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My child is a bully Dealing with disgraceful behaviour
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Step-parenting Create your own role within the family
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inside this issue
From the editor Contents I was staggered when I read the statistic that as many as one in four New Zealand families are blended families.
4 My child is a bully
T
hen my next thought was; why is there not more material available for stepparents, and a greater focus on the specific parenting challenges that come with being a step-parent? Parenting itself has challenges. But stepparenting comes with a whole other set of baggage, whether the situation comes about through separation of biological parents, or death of a spouse. Having not been a step-parent myself, I can’t write from personal experience. I have, however, been a stepchild of sorts, at least when visiting my father who remarried a lovely woman who already had children of her own. In some ways, there was not so much pressure on that situation because it was always a temporary visit and I liked my father’s wife, but there was still definitely that feeling of, “where do I fit in this family,” and “these kids are not entitled to my dad’s time.” Of course, kids’ brains are not fully developed at a young age and able to process the situation from a logical perspective. Therefore, their actions are often purely from a self-preservation perspective and steeped in emotions that they may not be able to fully label or express. As such, they don’t appreciate the immense challenges that the situation presents for the step-parent. But that’s the thing about being the adult – you get to take all the responsibility and in return may receive belligerence, the silent treatment, or the dreaded, “you’re not my
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Features
Practical tips on how to change your child’s bullying behaviour.
4 14 Bonding with your baby real mother,” (or father, as the case may be.) What I have learned through writing our main feature article about step-parenting this issue is that step-parenting is a very different experience for everyone. Some become step-parents when the child is quite young, and the adjustment isn’t as difficult. Some are lucky enough to be in a situation where the biological parents’ split was reasonably amicable, and there is not the same resentment from the biological mother toward the step-mother, or biological father toward the step-father. Stereotypes, of any sort, simply don’t cut it when it comes to step-parenting. For an insight into a step-parents’ world, and some great expert advice, check out our step-parenting article this issue. Plus keep turning those pages for more parenting, health and education articles, as well as lots of opportunities to win with our competitions and giveaways. Enjoy.
Parent-baby attachment isn’t always an automatic experience.
15 Reengaging kids in maths
6 Step-parenting
How to bring out the maths whiz in your child
Forge your own role as a step-parent.
Kids Corner
The Department of Conservation recommends stunning autumn vistas.
8 Kids’ corner
11 Autumn camping spots 12 Birthdays
The battle to keep up with the Jones.
Eva-Maria talks step-parenting tips to win preteens.
Competitions, games and reviews.
12 Preteen corner
Resource information
13 Quality time
10 Calendar of events 10 Entertainment
How to make family time in a busy world.
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When your child is the bully Few parents ever expect the call: your child’s school principal wants to talk to you about your child’s bullying behaviour.
F
or most parents, the reaction is one of disbelief, ranging from “It can’t be my child,” to “Maybe the situation has been manipulated by the other child,” to “There must have been extreme mitigating circumstances.” Horror and embarrassment is a normal reaction according The Parenting Place creative producer and presenter John Cowan. “But not always... some parents justify their child’s actions. Some see bullying as a normal and even useful part of human life and others see the persecution as being justified. By all means, emotionally support your child but that does not mean minimising the offensiveness of bullying.” No parent wants to learn the truth that their child is displaying behaviour that belittles, hurts, or abuses other children. The situation raises fear, anxiety, and defensiveness – after all, aren’t children a reflection of their parents? Cowan says not always. “All kids make mistakes. Bullying is a mistake: it is a kid trying on a dud strategy, coupled with some immature logic and immature impulse control. Therefore, any child could be a bully.”
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As kids begin school, parents are no longer the sole influence around their lives. Kids have unsupervised time with other kids, and parents are not around to witness - let alone monitor - their child’s behaviour. However, experts say that it is important not to justify your child’s behaviour because of your own fear or sense of shame or failure. There can be many reasons behind bullying behaviour that may not be self-evident from the surface. Author and educator Rosalind Wiseman, who wrote the book Queen Bees and Wannabees, which inspired the movie Mean Girls, urges parents to understand that: • Roles change. Today the bully. Tomorrow, hopefully an early stage. the bullied. Children are not fixed in their Cowan recommends the following course of roles. Depending on the situation, children action to take with your child: can just as easily be the bully as they can the target. 1 Address the issue while supporting the • They have a private life. Parents must child. Even as you are telling them off assume and accept that they won’t know (and you should!) let them know that your everything that goes on with their child. main disappointment is not that they are • Kids have two sides. Children will act “bad” but that you are upset because you differently at home than they will at school. know they are a good kid and capable of • You’re still a good parent. There are better behaviour. It may be appropriate many reasons why parents aren’t aware to set penalties and wind back trust of their child’s inappropriate behaviour, around technology that has been used for and it’s not always because the parent is bullying but let them know, even as you irresponsible. are removing the trust, that you looking So, if you’ve just received that call from the forward to trusting them again. school principal, the first thing to do is to take 2 If the child doesn’t know already, you a deep breath, take a moment to process should leave them in no doubt that what you’ve just heard, and be grateful that bullying is completely unacceptable. you have been alerted. That at least gives Express it in terms of rules (kids you a chance to address the issue at what is
understand rules): no hitting, no rude or threatening talk or texts, etc.
3 Displace the need for bullying by helping
your child build their self esteem in healthier ways – opportunities to play to their strength, feeding back to them about their good qualities, etc.
4 Engineer opportunities for them to mix
in more positive groups to form new friendships where bullying probably isn’t part of the group culture (e.g. sports, scouts, youth groups, hobby clubs etc).
5 Challenge the attitudes of intolerance
that made him think the victim deserved bullying. Instead, encourage a culture of “heroism;” intervening to defend and protect in a heroic way.
6 If appropriate, seek ways that amends could be made with the victim.
Support for separated parents Find out about the support services available to separated parents wanting to reach agreement over the care of their children.
Through Separation, which is run by non-profit organisations throughout the country. This programme has helped thousands of families and gives practical advice to help you deal with separation and the affect it has on your children. It will also help you plan how to care for your children after you’ve separated. To find your nearest programme click on the “who can help” s a separated parent, Mary wanted tab on the Family Justice website. to make changes to the child care This information and advice may be enough arrangements she and her ex-partner John to reach agreement with your ex-partner had in place for the last three years. Mary’s on the care arrangements for your children. son was about to start primary school and she was worried that John taking over care on However, if like Mary you feel it would be Monday mornings might not work because he helpful for a neutral professional to assist you both to reach agreement, then you may like lived some distance from the school. While to contact a Family Dispute Resolution (FDR) Mary and John were on speaking terms, she provider. The FDR provider’s role is to help did not feel confident raising these issues you both reach an agreement on how to best directly with him. care for your children. The FDR provider is Have you found yourself in this situation, or not there to take sides but is there to guide are you recently separated and unable to you to find solutions that work for you both reach agreement with your ex-partner over and work for your children. the care arrangements for your children? The FDR provider may also suggest you get While most parents are able to agree on how legal advice if you haven’t already. If you are to look after their children, some benefit from eligible, you may be able to get free advice support. A number of new services in the from a Family Legal Advice Service lawyer. community to assist people to resolve their care arrangements without the need to go to court were More than 80% of people who have gone through FDR have been able to reach agreement. introduced by the Government in March 2014. FDR places less strain on your children, as it helps As a first step you may find that developing you keep their interests at heart and resolve a parenting plan, in discussion with your exissues without the stress of going to court. partner, is a useful process for agreeing on Alternatively, there are other public services care arrangements. The parenting plan is a available that can help. You can find these on useful resource, which will help you think about all the things that may happen and help the Family Justice website or you can seek advice from your local Citizens Advice Bureau. you to reach agreement. The parenting plan The family justice website is www.justice.govt. and other useful guides are on the Family nz/family-justice. Justice website (see below). Separating parents are also able to attend Advertorial the free information programme Parenting
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feature story
Being a step-parent We all grow up with fairytales of handsome princes, blushing maidens and happily ever after. But what if you find yourself cast as the evil stepmother?
E
stimates suggest that up to a quarter of New Zealand families are remarriages or new partnerships with existing children. Research also suggests that many of those new relationships won’t stand the stress of the new family unit, and will dissolve within the first few years – especially if the new family unit is established without forethought and preplanning.
Evil step-parent? Whether you are a step-mother or stepfather, you will have stereotypes to deal with. A new step-parent often enters the new family unit with a mixture of fervour and trepidation, says Christchurch-based family psychologist Prue Fanselow-Brown. But, their determination and striving to avoid the pitfalls of the archetypical “evil” stereotype often ends in tears and failure: sometimes none of their own doing, and sometimes misguided notions of how the child or children will respond to them. Step-children have undergone the loss (either through death or separation) of a biological parent, and even if that parent is not what you might regard as a good parent – if they are a criminal, a drug-addict, or simply a dead-beat – the child will usually retain strong feelings
of loyalty to that parent. The result, says Fanselow-Brown, is that a sense of betrayal may accompany any positive feelings that the child has towards the step-parent. “I think step parents need to be quite patient and lower their expectations a bit in a new relationship. “Step parents coming into that sort of relationship need to be very aware of how that feels for the child, to see their parent overtly affectionate with somebody new. That sort of affection is best to be kept away from the children initially. Be a respectable friend who will respect their needs. If you’re aware and patient, it can go very well.” In extreme cases, the child may view the step-parent with suspicion, or as a threat to their ties with their biological parent. They may try to sabotage the relationship between their parent and step-parent, act-out with behaviour issues, or seek to re-establish the relationship between biological parents. All of this is within the realm of possibilities, and couples about to embark on a journey as a daughter for five years. She says that being new blended family need to be aware of it. a step-parent has been one of the hardest definitions that she has ever struggled with. The role of a step-parent “I think the most important thing going into it Rather than try to be a parent, step-parents was knowing that I wasn’t going into it to beneed to establish their own role according to come a mother - she has one of those already. Fanselow-Brown. Primarily, at least early on, I’m just me; she’s always called me by my the step-parent’s goal is to be a warm friend nickname “Gen” and continues to do so.” to the child, she says – keeping a distance so that the child has a space in which to observe the step-parent and approach when comfort allows. That’s a strategy that has worked for stepparent Geni McCallum. Geni has been a stepmother to her seven-and-a-half-year old step-
Discipline Discipline can be a dicey subject between two partners even in their first marriage, with their own biological children. A parent’s own upbringing, the influence of
grandparents and friends, and a parent’s own individual preferences can lead to conflict when it comes to how to discipline a child. Add a step-parent into the mix, and you’ve got a recipe for catastrophe, if it’s not talked about and decided on in advance. Fanselow-Brown recommends that parents in blended families decide on support, rules, consequences and household tasks in advance, and also how to encourage adherence. She says that the “hard stuff” happens when punishments or consequences are required for defiance or failure to comply. In this case, she says that the biological parent
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feature story
The four cornerstones of good step-parenting
You and your partner are a team space has been disrupted to make room for
must adopt the lead role of disciplinarian, with the step-parent in a supporting role. Initially at least, the step-parent can perhaps stand beside the biological parent, or behind them, and nod in agreement, wordlessly. Over time, the step-parent’s role in discipline may change as they build the child’s trust and as the child begins to feel secure in the longevity of the new relationship.
I didn’t ever let myself be treated badly or without respect though; it’s important to stand up for yourself whilst you’re building the relationships in your family. “Just like any parent, my role changes and our relationship is fluid - it took me a while to find my place but I love it now.”
Dealing with dislike
Author Flora McEvedy was 29 when her boyfriend introduced her to his two daughters, ages six and two. Although both parties tried, the relationship between her and the girls quickly disintegrated, as she described in an interview with The Telegraph while promoting her book, The Step Parents’ Parachute. “Most of the time, the girls ignored me with Geni says that has been her experience. studious concentration. But there were “I did wait for a while before I began enforcalso endless scenes - tantrums thrown left, ing rules at the beginning because it wasn’t my right and centre by both them and me. The place to come in and change her life around. girls would stand in my path whenever I
“Once I abandoned any attempt at friendship, it took root of its own accord. They thawed visibly, and started to tell me stuff.
It is natural to crave inclusion in the elite club of blood relatives, but remember you are not an outsider. You are already in a strong relationship, so don’t shut out the person who introduced you to stepparenthood. Talk to your partner about your anxieties, without criticising the child’s behaviour. Try not to compete with your step-child, and give your partner space to love you and the child separately.
someone who is usually seen as an intruder. In self-defence, step-children will try to hurt you because they identify you as the one who has ruined their happiness. Of course it’s difficult being treated like a criminal in your own home, but don’t take their rejection personally. They are probably feeling as paranoid and unsettled as you are.
Know your role
At the start, all you have in common with your step-child is your link with the natural parent. In time, you need to build a direct bond with the child, and, for this, you need to cultivate trust. Even when antagonism has frozen all goodwill, a compliment and a little praise go a long way. However gradually, dedicating yourself to being a positive presence in the life of the step-child will bring stability to your family. *Paraphrased from The Step-Parents’ Parachute: The Four Cornerstones of Good Step-Parenting by Flora McEvedy, available online with Amazon.
If step-children take an instant dislike to you, remember they are not biologically programmed to love you. You may bend over backwards to please them, with little or no thanks, but normal social rules do not apply. Even if the step-child seems to be punishing you for simply existing, try to understand that you may always come second to natural parents, but that second place is not so terrible.
Keep rejection at arm’s length
The arrival of a step-parent can turn a child’s world upside down. The family
approached their dad, and yelp at our friendly overtures. They’re just kids, I told myself, when they refused to eat the macaroni cheese I had cooked.” She says that she started to “burn with resentment,” because no matter how hard she tried, the situation just got worse and all her attempts to be liked were mercilessly scorned. The turning point for her began when she decided that rather than look to her step-daughters for approval, to turn to a different quarter for reward for the work she was putting in with them.
Your step-children need your love
“It dawned on me that I didn’t have to justify myself to my stepchildren, and that I hadn’t been asked to be a step-parent, but had simply become involved with someone who already had kids. So the obligation is to my partner, alone. I owe it to him to make the best relationship I can with his children. When I sweat and toil to look after a stepchild, what I am actually doing is looking after my relationship with my partner.” As McEvedy began to disengage from her need for acceptance, she found the situation began to turn itself around. Like us on Facebook to get started, visit facebook.com/BTCNZ
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KIDS TIM E
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ColorShop or selected New World Supermarkets. It’s as easy as that! Many thanks to Fastway Couriers, Resene ColorShops, New World Supermarkets and all New Zealanders for their on-going support.
DE S I G N nCOcom MPETITION Desig petition 116
116 vegetables. It Design a spring outfit made out of flowers and could be for ayou, your mum, yourEaster dad orEgg anyone else. Please Design fabulous, magical Hunt in preparation describe what it is made out April of. Send us your picture and be in to for the Easter Bunny’s adventures and describe what’s win an amazing in $50 prize pack from happening your design. SendCrayola! us your picture (either via post Three age groups: preschool 5-8, 9-12.prize pack for orentry email) and you will be in to(age win1-4), a wonderful creative kiwi kids from Crayola. Create your design on an A5 sheet or download the template and entryThere form from www.familytimes.co.nz. in to 1-4, PO Box 36 9-12. are three separate entry agePost groups: 5-8 and your design on an close A4 sheet paper and either post 004,Create Christchurch 8146. Entries on 11ofOctober 2014. it or scan and it to us. Don’t forget toour write/type Congratulations to email our competition winners from last issueyour Design your very own age, description andyou postal (so we can send youDVD prizes; Newname, Zealand superhero. Thank also address to kidsonscreen for the idea, prize if you win!). PO Box 004, Christchurch 8146. and your also to our judge: FelicityPost: Milburn of the36Christchurch Art Gallery Te Email: Puna Ojackie@ familytimes.co.nz Waiwhetu. They are: - Entries close 1 May 2015. huge congratulations LukeAHarrison, (1-4 years old)is in order to our winners of last issue’s design competition too: 1 to 4-year-olds Maia James Yang, (5-8 years old)Andrell “This is our tent, my family is inside it.” Wairaamia Taratoa-Bannister , (9-12 years old)
5 to 8-year-olds Juni Leung “Rainbow Treehouse: This is the treehouse I designed for my family.” 9 to 12-year-olds Sam Gormack
WIN WIN WIN
WIN WIN WIN
Visit www.familytimes.co.nz to view the winning entries.
win win win
®
WIN L E G O F RIEND S F IR S T A ID J UN G L E B IKE RR P $2 9.99 Speed to the rescue on the LEGO ® Friends First Aid Jungle Bike. There’s a monkey in distress trapped in a cave and it’s up to Emma to save him. Help Emma to shovel the fallen rocks and then check the monkey with Emma’s medic bag. Give the monkey a banana to eat and use the walkie-talkie to radio home. Set includes Emma mini-doll figure, monkey, First Aid Jungle Bike with detachable side-car and other accessories. Ages 6– 12. We have 20 x LEGO ® Friends First Aid Jungle Bike sets to give away.
5 B ar bie in Princess WIN 1Power 00 B E SDVDS! T N ATIVE PL ANT S FOR N E W Barbie™ as Kara, a modern-dayS ZEAstars L AND GARDEN
princess with an everyday life. One day, If you have ever wandered through the after being kissed by a magical butterfly, gorgeous grounds of Larnach Castle, you Kara™ soon discovers she has amazing probably won’t have realised that the super powers allowing her to transform care and maintenance of the garden at into Super Sparkle, her secret, crimeLarnach Castle has been Fiona Eadie’s fighting alter ego. Simply go to www. responsibility for the past 12 years. This familytimes.co.nz to enter to win one outstanding title has been highly regarded of five DVDs. Entries close 14 April since its first publication in 2001, and its 2015. revised edition and numerous reprints are a clear indication that it’s an indispensable gardeners’ companion.We have 10 books to give away.
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cool activities
Calendar of Events each month. More than 130 stalls of arts, neighbours, friends and family. There will be Wrap the family up nice and crafts, produce and information, live music, old-fashioned games, live entertainment and warm and head out to enjoy toys for the kids. Free, 2-4pm. coffee, and more. Titirangi War Memorial Hall, 500 South Titirangi Road, 10am-2pm, some gorgeous autumn days 1-7 April phone Tanya on 09-814-1177. at the following family-friendly Whittaker’s Big Egg Hunt. Scramble to the 2 & 9 May streets to hunt for the eggs and get in your events. For more event entry for a chance to win the grand prize. In MOTAT - The Wonderful World of and entertainment ideas, support of Starship Hospital. From 10amBubbles. This experience facilitates the 5pm, visit www.aucklandmuseum.com. exploration of materials in order to identify, visit www.familytimes.co.nz classify and investigate bubbles. See bubbles and enjoy our large, family3 - 5 April bigger than your head! At 11am, 1pm and friendly resource. 3pm. Normal admission applies. Visit www. Auckland LEGO® User Group Display. The whole family will be inspired by the Auckland LEGO® User Group’s model town XRACE Totara park. An adventure-style display featuring trains, classic spaceships, event for a parent/guardian and child complet- technic trucks and a great ball contraption. ing both physical and mental challenges. From From 10am-5pm at MOTAT, cost $40/family. 2-4pm, Totara Park, visit www.xrace.co.nz. Visit www.motat.org.nz.
28 March
28 March
4 April
Eye On Nature 2015. Free activities, games, cooking demonstrations, guided biodiversity trails in the Totara forest, plus loads of great entertainment. From 12-9pm, visit beautifulmanukau.org.nz.
La Rosa Community Orchard Open Day. If you’re into growing food locally, the La Rosa community orchard group would like to meet you! Bring your gardening gear. Morning tea provided. Kids’ activities provided. From 9am12pm.
28 March Car boot sale. Get in early to grab a bargain at the autumn Car Boot Sale. Stallholders wanted: $20 pre-booked and paid. Book your spot on 09-444-3105 or email PTA@windyridge.school.nz.
29 March Old-fashioned family picnic. Come along to Inwards Reserve and enjoy a picnic with
11 April Heart of Te Atatu South Festival. Community groups, stalls, food, performances, games, free rides and other entertainment. At Te Atatu South Community Centre, 247 Edmonton Road, Auckland, 10am-2pm.
26 April Titirangi Village Market. Last Sunday of
New Zealand An invitation to all girls aged 5 to 18... Come join the fun & friendship at any of our nationwide locations.
www.girlsbrigade.nz E-mail: info@girlsbrigade.org.nz
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motat.org.nz.
3 & 10 May MOTAT – Move it! During this interactive show, visitors will learn about Newton’s three laws of motion and then apply them to enable Space Chick Steve to fly across the room! At 11am, 1pm and 3pm. Normal admission applies. Visit www.motat.org.nz.
15-17 May
Waitakere Home & Garden Show. Gather inspiration and advice at a venue packed with the latest ideas, products and services for your home. The Trusts Arena, 65-67 Central Park Drive, Auckland, 10am-5pm, www. homeandgardenshow.co.nz.
17 May
Antique & Collector’s Fair. China, glass, silver, books, tools, jewellery, furniture, clothing, costume jewellery, dolls, stamps, and much more! Mt Albert War Memorial Hall, 773 New North Road, 10am-3pm, phone 021-609-399 or 09-443-1797.
30 May – 1 June EveryWoman Expo. More than 150 exhibitors featuring health, beauty, fashion, food, love, lifestyle, fitness, spiritual solutions and more. ASB Arena, 10am – 6pm. Visit www.everywomanexpo.co.nz.
Entertainment Need a fun activity to beat the autumn blues? The weather may be cooling down, but there’s still plenty of fun to be had at a plethora of events and entertainment destinations around the city. Here are a few ideas to get you started, and we’ve got heaps more at www. familytimes.co.nz. Northern Arena New Zealand’s swim school of the year, with swimming lessons for all ages designed to enhance enjoyment and confidence in the water whilst learning the skills to swim and survive.
Odyssey Sensory Maze
Sky Tower
Wanted: Scotty Sky Tower’s evil twin has escaped and we need your help! Reward: a bag of “gold.” From 10am-3pm, 3–19 April 2015. Details at skytower.co.nz. Sky Tower admission fees apply.
Holiday specials
Here are some great holiday ideas designed to keep you and your little ones entertained during the school break. Artz on Show
Artz on Show Ltd is a school holiday performing arts workshop, providing structured holiday classes and the opportunity to perform in an end-of-week show to students aged 5 – 15 years.
Odyssey is an a-maze-ing journey that will invigorate your senses as you experience illusions, sounds, scents, obstacles and strange sensations.
Inflatable World
Paint & Create
Rainbow’s End
The perfect place for some creative time out; painting ceramics that can be enjoyed forever. No skills necessary - we will show you how. It is great fun and great therapy.
Bring the whole family and bounce on into Inflatable World. Visit our website to find a location close to you: www.inflatableworld.co.nz. This Easter Rainbow’s End is holding the amazing Easter Extravaganza with loads of free entertainment. All rides as many times as you like all day for one price. Visit www. rainbowsend.co.nz.
Getting into the great outdoors this autumn Make the most of the settled weather, end-of-summer warmth and quieter holiday season by taking your family out into nature this autumn. Department of Conservation (DOC) ranger Yuin Khai Foong shares his top spots to visit for those wanting to get away for a week, a weekend or even just a day.
swimming and rock pools provide hours of entertainment. Make sure you bring masks and snorkels for underwater discovery. Tawharanui Regional Park is home to threatened native wildlife, including takahe, as well as farm animals. There is a nearby campsite run by Auckland City Council for
With six campsites and two huts to choose from there are plenty of options for those willing to make the trip to Great Barrier Island Aotea—you won’t regret it! Those wishing to freely explore this remarkable island can take their car (the car ferry departs from downtown Auckland). Embark on a journey of discovery, taking in rare native wildlife, thermal springs, swimming beaches and extensive walking tracks. Keep an eye out for the North Island kaka. These large, brown, noisy parrots are often seen flying high above the forest canopy and their raucous call is part of the island’s atmosphere. One spot popular with families is the hot springs off Whangaparapara Road. To get there, take the buggy-friendly, 45-minute Hot Springs Track through the Kaitoke wetlands and regenerating kanuka forest. Walkers are rewarded with a relaxing soak in the hot springs. Visit www.doc.govt.nz to find out more about these awesome places and to plan and prepare for your trips.
those unable to tear themselves away.
Weekend: Uretiti Beach campsite, Whangarei
Day: Tawharanui Marine Reserve Just over 75km north of Auckland, Tawharanui Marine Reserve has lots to offer families. The fantastic sandy beaches, good
Approximately one-and-a-half hours from Auckland, families love this relaxing campsite set amongst the dunes of picturesque Uretiti Beach. Surf, swim or get to know the local glow worms at nearby Waipu Caves. With beautiful views, Mangawhai Walkway (5km) is a well-formed coastal track for families wishing to stretch their legs.
Week: Great Barrier Island Aotea
09 294 8606
Autumn at the Auckland Botanic Gardens There’s loads to discover at the Gardens. Find your own fun or check out our top autumn tips for families: •
Count the frogs in the stinky bog
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Explore the tropical jungle or the mythical maze
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Grab an activity trail booklet for a fun-filled adventure through the Gardens
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Spoil our ducks with their favourite treat (20c for duck food at the visitor centre)
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Follow our Sustainable Water Trail or our Native Plant Identification Trail
•
Take a bush walk through our native forest
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Bring a picnic or grab a coffee and a snack at Café Miko
•
Enjoy free events and live music throughout summer – see our website for details.
FREE ADMISSION | OPEN DAILY 102 Hill Road, Manurewa, Auckland | Phone 09 267 1457 aucklandbotanicgardens.co.nz 11
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parties
Birthdays parties – keeping up with the Jones’ There always seems to be a bit of competition in parenting; from which afterschool activities your kids go to and where you buy their clothes from, to sporting prowess and academic achievement.
B
ut arguably the biggest competition of all is birthday parties. Once upon a time, birthdays were simpler. If you were lucky, you would get to invite a few friends around, maybe take off on your bikes down to the park to play, watch a movie later and enjoy a slice of mum’s homemade birthday cake. These days, there seems to be a lot more expectation surrounding birthday parties. From elaborate party bags to hosted venues and expensive activities, there is no end to how much you can spend on a child’s birthday, all to keep up with the Jones’. Of course, there is nothing wrong with those things – after all, a hosted venue cuts down on the clean-up work, and birthday party entertainment is a lot of fun and takes the pressure off you organising games – but it all comes down to the reasons that you do it.
If you find yourself stretching beyond your budget in order to throw a party as fancy as the one that your child’s school friend did last month, you may need to sit back and have a rethink. Will it be worth it when you get the credit card bill? Blogger April Masini says that parents have become so insecure about raising their children that they use their kids to compete with each other, especially when it comes to birthday parties. She says that kids need to learn to have realistic expectations though, and learn that life isn’t always fair, and that not everybody has the same disposable income. One parent who decided to buck the trends for her 2-year-old son’s birthday is Heather Morgan-Shot. Rather than go the catered direction, she and her husband Chris home-cooked birthday treats for the kids, and had a barbecue for the adults. “I had stressed endlessly about my simple approach,” said Heather. “At one point, in the beginning of our party planning efforts, Chris had to remind me that we didn’t need to go overboard for our 2-year-old’s birthday party, and I’m thankful he was able to keep me focused. I find it embarrassingly easy to get swept up in what other mums think and say and, I lose perspective on what works for us as a family. “In the end, Mason clearly had a blast–and I wouldn’t change a thing about the party we
had for him.” Here are some tips for deciding what kind of party, treats, food and entertainment you should have for your child’s party:
1 Set a budget. Be realistic about what
you have to spend, and plan the party accordingly. Maybe in order to book some entertainment, you can skip on catering and home-cook instead. Ask your child what is most important to them about the party.
2 Time. Lots of families have two parents
working, so establish how much time you can realistically put into the party. Maybe you don’t have time to home cook, or
Step-parents and preteens: What Modern Family’s Jay Pritchett taught me
I
’ve recently been re-watching one of my favourite shows, Modern Family. I think what draws me to it (apart from the entertainment factor) is that many of the problems the three families face are very real for families today. My absolute favourite character to watch is Jay: a middleaged man, married to an out-of-his-depth beautiful Columbian Gloria, with her son from her first marriage Manny. Whether you’ve seen the series, or are a step-parent yourself, take note of the top three things this family has taught me about stepparenting:
1. Ninety per-cent of being a good parent is just showing up.
into being. Be on the same team as your partner! If something irritates you, don’t say it – suggest an alternative parenting method. You are now a team so be on the same page.
3. “I killed the turtle.”
In one episode, after Jay accidentally drops a picture on Manny’s pet turtle and kills it, Jay develops a master plan to make Manny believe that a raccoon got into his bedroom window and killed his pet turtle. Not a good parenting choice overall, but when you are a step-parent, honesty is even dearer to preteens in the family. They almost want to feel that you can be more of a friend to them so they expect you to not tip-toe around them the way that their biological parent sometimes does. It’s so easy for you to become
the bad guy in a quick flash, so stick to the facts – be truthful. By Eva Maria Eva-Maria is a 23-year-old on a mission to help improve 10,000,000 adult-teenager relationships around the world. She is the author of the bestselling You Shut Up! and sequel Shush, You!. She travels throughout New Zealand, Australia and Russia coaching families, running workshops and speaking at conferences and events about the importance of intergenerational relationships and youth in the workforce, offering understanding from “the other side.” www.eva-maria.co.nz.
energy to clean up, and a catered party with entertainment is what best suits your needs.
3 Help. How much help is available to you
through family and friends? This may affect your decisions about how to run the party. Maybe your family can help cater, or friends can help supervise or entertain.
4 What your child wants. Your child may not actually want a big, fancy party, but prefer to have just a few friends over to play video games. Don’t be tempted to force a big party if it’s not what your child wants – you may be doing it for your own reasons.
Amazing Kids Parties At Amazing Kids Parties, we provide amazing entertainers to make every child’s party super special and super fun! We have party packs for all age groups and genders – check them out: www. amazingkidsparties.co.nz. Our party planning team is also super helpful – call them on 09-889-2243 for advice on throwing the perfect party for your child. So many choices… characters, disco pack, pamper pack, cooking pack, science pack, face painting, balloon twisting and more.
Jay struggles (to say the least) with Manny’s real father’s absolute disrespect to stick to basic time management. Random visits with expectations to sleep over, broken promises to Manny, bringing his new girlfriend unannounced – all these are realities families face today with a parent vaguely outside of the picture. It’s hard to live up to expectations of a parent figure who seems just so “cool,” but Jay puts aside his hate and isn’t there so much to pick up the pieces, but rather just to be there.
2. “While others are out there kicking the ball on the field, Manny’s looking at butterflies.” Trying to shape a child is hard work. Especially if you have a certain dislike of how they have turned out so far. Jay’s biggest goal in life seems to be to turn Manny into a man while Manny passionately tries to live up to the romantic his mother tries to parent him
Learning to swim isn’t an activity it is an essential life skill! Learn to swim at Northern Arena, Silverdale, Auckland we have lessons for 3 month old babies to adults.
call
09 421 9700
visit
www.northernarena.co.nz www.familytimes.co.nz
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Building quality time into your day As busy parents, sometimes it feels like you are living in Ground Hog Day. The endless cycle of school, work, appointments, activities, shopping, and housework is an unforgiving daily grind that leaves little time for the simple pleasures in life - like enjoying each other’s company.
S
o between all the commitments facing modern families, how is it possible to spend quality time with the kids? Parenting expert and author Karyn Riley says there are two main hurdles to achieving this. “One is a perceived lack of time with our busy, often over-scheduled lives; the other is the guilt and pressure that comes with beating ourselves up over not spending “enough” quality time with our children. We all have the same amount of time available - it’s how we prioritise and use that time that makes the difference.” Karyn says that spending 5 or 10 minutes of a hundred percent present, fully-focused quality time with our kids is more beneficial than a longer period of time in which parents are distracted. “One of my favourite sayings is, “We are human beings, not human doings.” We can all
benefit by taking time out to just “be” - with our kids, partners and ourselves.” Karyn advises one way to achieve quality time is to literally schedule it into your diary. “In my experience, if you don’t plan time for what’s important it will generally never happen. Have strong boundaries in place prioritise quality time and stick to it.” What constitutes as quality time will vary between families, Karyn says. Do what suits yours, and never compare yourself to others. “There is no one-size-fits-all - quality is better than quantity. When you do spend time with your family and children, focus on this alone - not what you “should” be doing instead. Be realistic and go easy on yourself remember, “super-mum” does not exist!” “Because of the huge age gaps (between the kids) we feel it’s important to spend time “What constitutes as together. We support one another in sport, quality time will vary so on a Saturday we generally spend all day between families. Do together. We go to concerts together. We what suits yours, and walk the Rapaki track, taking turns with the never compare yourself baby. Donnell is a big boy now so he can help to others.” with that!” It is a house rule that the family always eats dinner together, and sometimes they will turn Mum of three Camdon Dudley says family off the TV and just talk. time is key to how her family operates. Both “The kids think I’m a real nerd when I ask, she and husband Brandon work full-time; he “what was the highlight of your day,” or “did as a building services coordinator and she you meet someone new today?” But now I’ll as a preschool centre director. With sons find they will come to me and say “Mum, I did Donnell, 15; Troy, 9; and Eli, 20 months, the meet someone new today.” family do almost everything together including Camdon says being organised is integral. housework, weekend sport and daily walks “We’ve got good systems. The kids all know around the block. their responsibilities. If all our jobs are done
then we can get back to that quality time.” **Karyn Riley is a parent educator and life coach, and author of ‘How to Keep the YOU in Mum’. She was a finalist of the Westpac Women of Influence Award 2014 and winner of the Local Heroes Medal, New Zealander of the Year Awards 2012. She is mum to two daughters aged 11 and 14. Her website is www.rileylife.co.nz.
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baby & toddler
Bonding with your baby You’ve been waiting nine months for this little bundle of joy to come into your life, and finally, after the pain of labour, your precious little one looks up at you in wonder and expectation. What do you feel in that moment?
Many mothers describe the experience as “complete euphoria,” surpassing any other feeling of love or affection. It’s a special attachment, or bonding, that takes place between mother and child. But not all births – or all bonding experiences – happen that way.
What is bonding?
Bonding refers to the special attachment that forms between a mother and father and their new baby. That bond is what sends parents rushing into their newborn’s room in the middle of the night at the slightest whimper. It’s also what makes parents want to instinctively care for and nurture their child, and attend to the variety of cries that they exert to express their needs.
How is bonding formed?
The hormone oxytocin, which is released during pregnancy and in greater amounts during labour, helps to create a feeling of euphoria and love for your newborn. You may feel an overwhelming urge to protect your baby from the first moment you see her. And while you’re savouring the high, the feel-good hormone dopamine that’s coursing through your body is also helping your baby to attach emotionally to you.
When bonding isn’t formed immediately Not every mother feels an instinctive bond with her child at birth. In fact, studies have shown that about 20% of new mums (and dads) feel no such bond in the hours immediately following delivery. Sometimes it takes weeks, or even months, before that bond is secured. The reason could be a sick baby in intensive care that you are unable to hold, a multiple birth, an adoption, feeling overwhelmed at the arrival of your baby, sheer exhaustion after childbirth, a traumatic birth, or any number of factors. It’s quite normal, and experts say that it’s really important not to feel guilty over something that you have no control over. In fact, increased stress levels over the issue
Advanced Natural Medicine Breastfeeding support in many ways Meet breastfeeding mothers ContaCt a trained breastfeeding counsellor Read a book from our library BRowse our website Join and receive aroha magazine Buy books and leaflets donate to help La Leche League help more mums like you.
CONTACT US: (09) 846 0752 EMAIL: help@lalecheleague.org.nz facebook.com/LLLNZ lalecheleague.org.nz
Specialist in
children’s health issues Fleur Moore Naturopath & Iridologist
Advanced Hemaview Practitioner B.A., Dip.Nat.,Cert.Irid.,BHSc.(Comp.Med.)
87 Portage Road, New Lynn, Auckland 0600 Phone: 09-826 4482 Mobile: 027-439 3748 fleur@advancednaturalmedicine.co.nz
www.advancednaturalmedicine.co.nz
are counter-productive to relaxing into a relationship with your child.
How to create – or strengthen – that bond
Experts recommend skin-to-skin touch immediately after birth, for both mum and dad, to start the bonding process. But bonding happens in many ways over time. When you look at your newborn, touch her skin, feed her, and care for her, you’re bonding. Rocking your baby to sleep or stroking her back can establish your new relationship and make her feel more comfortable. When you gaze at your newborn, she will look back at you. In mothers who breastfeed, their baby’s cries will stimulate the let-down of milk. For many parents, bonding is a byproduct of everyday care giving. You may not even know it’s happening until you observe your baby’s first smile and suddenly realise that you’re filled with love and joy.
The importance of bonding The parent-child bond is a key factor in the way that your infant’s brain organises itself and influences their social, emotional, intellectual and physical development. A secure bond provides your baby with an optimal foundation for life: eagerness to learn, healthy selfawareness, trust, and consideration for others. An insecure attachment bond – one that fails to meet your infant’s need for safety and understanding – can lead to identity confusion, learning difficulties, and a struggle to relate to others in later life.
different timetable for dads and adoptive parents, partially because they don’t have the early contact of breastfeeding that many mothers have. There are many ways to start and strengthen that bond, and the earlier the better. Where
possible: • Participate in the labour and delivery of your child. • Feeding: where baby isn’t being breast- fed, bottle feeding (either formula or expressed breast milk) helps establish a bond. • Read or sing to baby. • Give baby a bath. • Mirror baby’s movements. • Mimic baby’s cooing and other vocalisations — the first efforts at communication. • Use a front-baby carrier during routine activities. • Let baby feel the different textures of your face.
NATIONAL PARENT HELPLINE
Parent Help
Dads and adoptive parents Bonding frequently occurs on a
AND CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION HELPLINE
for all parenting concerns
A listening ear Practical advice Immediate support Referral to other services
0800 568 856 PHONE 7 DAYS 9AM TO 11PM admin@parenthelp.org.nz www.parenthelp.org.nz
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Parent Help is a not-for-profit organisation that has been offering services to parents and families since 1989. • Parent Help line 0800-568-856 • Counselling and family therapy • Parent education courses • Information and resources We listen! Our helpline provides free, confidential and anonymous support assisting parents, caregivers, family and whanau with practical parenting advice. Phone 0800-568-856, 9am to 11pm, seven days a week. Visit www. parenthelp.org.nz or email admin@ parenthelp.org.nz.
Reengaging kids in maths Research over the past few decades shows that kids in the Western world are disengaging from mathematics by middle school (intermediate age) and not regaining that interest.
is important in the real world, and make themselves a positive role model for valuing math. In fact, parents’ own interest in math is another important component that Martin identified as important to a child’s interest in math. Did you, as a parent, hate math and pass on that attitude to your kids, for example?
“Did you, as a parent, hate math and pass on that attitude to your kids?”
The question is, why? University of Sydney researcher Andrew Martin set out to investigate why kids are switching off to maths in his 2012 report published in the Journal of Educational Psychology. And he believes that with some effort, both parents and teachers can turn the situation around. The results of his study, based on 1601 Australian middle school students from 200 classrooms in 33 schools, showed that the key factor turning kids off maths is self-efficacy: students’ sense that they are competent and able enough to solve mathematical problems. The second element critical to switching students onto maths is the value they attach to the subject, and the third element is students’ love (or lack of love) for the subject. Martin recommended that to foster and encourage kids in maths, that teachers and parents “restructure learning so as to maximise opportunities for success,” by building on skills that students have already mastered, and helping kids set challenging but realistic goals: a challenge that is wellmatched to a child’s skill level, with clear goals and unambiguous feedback. Also, parents can demonstrate that maths
Here are some tips to foster a love for maths in your child: • Buy your children lego
•
•
•
Building with Lego helps kids to conceptualise big, complex abstractions from small basic parts. Buy your children the card game Set Multiple mathematicians have cited the card game Set as particularly inspiring, according to Business Insider. The game provokes the ideas of permutations, combinations and probability. And there is a very good app for it. Origami Origami is not only a fun and colourful art project: it also conditions a love of geometry, which is especially great for tactile learners.
•
Use everyday situations
•
Ask your kids wide open questions that involve estimation and math, as opposed
YOUR CHILDREN ARE AMAZING ALREADY. WE JUST HELP THEM PROVE IT.
to the specific questions that they get at school. For example, “how long will it take to fill this pool?” This kind of open-ended puzzle is tantalising and incorporates a variety of math skills. Teach your child to play chess Chess has relatively straight-forward rules that remove chance and build analytical, problem-solving skills. Familiarise yourself with learning standards If you know what your child is learning, it
•
will be easier to complement those skills with home activities. Plus, you might even get to up-skill yourself. Be an example Many parents hated math at school – try not pass on that attitude to your child. Show that you are confident with routine mathematical tasks like balancing your bank statement. Point out the usefulness of math in everyday life, and the amazing careers that math can lead to – architecture, medicine, fashion design, computer programming, and more.
French classes for children, teens & adults Holiday programmes "Give your child a precious asset: the gift of another language." www.alliance-francaise.co.nz (09) 376 0009 9A Kirk Street, Grey Lynn
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ERO BOOKLETS FOR PARENTS The Education Review Office (ERO) has published a set of booklets for parents. The booklets cover a range of topics and give parents questions they can ask at school. Contact info@ero.govt.nz for copies or visit our website: www.ero.govt.nz
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