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Step-parenting Create your own role within the family
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My child is a bully Dealing with disgraceful behaviour
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WELLINGTON / ISSUE 61 / Autumn 2015
Managing your child’s mood We all are partial to different moods, and kids are no different. But depending on temperament, moods can change with gentle ebb and flow - or a giant swing.
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ids’ moods can change in a flash – one minute they are happy, then bored; cranky, then sweet. With babies and toddlers, those mood swings are usually related to need: the need for food, a nappy change, comfort or sleep. But as kids begin to grow, they start to experience emotion and moods. It’s what they do with those emotions and moods that can set them up for a life of emotional stability or vulnerability. Helping your child to learn about their moods in a healthy way will enable them to make healthy choices, according to Carl Pickhardt, author of Surviving Your Child’s Adolescence. “No matter what your child is feeling, you first job as a parent is to empathise,” said Pickhardt. “Let your child know that you care what they are feeling and you have a sense of what they are feeling.” Also, helping them identify exactly what it is that they are feeling- or figuring out why they are in a bad mood – will teach them to look for the source of the problem and to resolve it. It’s about helping your child learn a key skill: How to bring herself back up when she’s feeling down, said Pickhardt, and teaching her how to do that it in healthy ways; i.e. not eating junk food or binge watching television to numb the feeling. After all, everybody gets
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sad, mad, or upset sometimes; the key is knowing that you don’t have to stay that way, and how to find happiness again. Teaching those skills from a young age ensures that your child has an open line of communication with you, and feels free to discuss their feelings or mood with you as they embark on preteen years, and even teen years. Here are a few basic emotions to help your child identify from a young age:
“Teaching those skills from a young age ensures that your child has an open line of communication with you.”” 1
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Sadness. Sadness is a normal emotion that human beings feel, for a variety of reasons. Try to talk with your child to identify the source of their sadness. Start the conversation by trying to label the emotion: “I notice that Tommy didn’t play with you today. Is that making you feel sad?” Sadness may not be resolved in a moment, but talking – or even going out for a walk - certainly takes the sting out of it. Anger. Some kids have a more explosive temper than others, but even those who are quietly angry experience the stress of this emotion. Find out why your child is angry, and ask him what would make him feel better. For example, if another child snatched his toy, it’s not okay to snatch it back, but perhaps ask for it to be returned. Don’t tell him that he shouldn’t
be angry – suppressing anger can be dangerous, but learning to manage it and to let go is healthy.
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Disappointment. Things don’t always go the way that we want. Maybe your child doesn’t get that part in the school play or a position on the soccer team. It’s important to acknowledge those feelings, and the fact that we don’t always get what we want. Allow the disappointment and the hurt, and teach them not to pretend that they don’t care, but how to focus on another goal or desire and to keep trying.
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inside this issue
From the editor Contents I was staggered when I read the statistic that as many as one in four New Zealand families are blended families.
Features
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hen my next thought was; why is there not more material available for stepparents, and a greater focus on the specific parenting challenges that come with being a step-parent? Parenting itself has challenges. But stepparenting comes with a whole other set of baggage, whether the situation comes about through separation of biological parents, or death of a spouse. Having not been a step-parent myself, I can’t write from personal experience. I have, however, been a stepchild of sorts, at least when visiting my father who remarried a lovely woman who already had children of her own. In some ways, there was not so much pressure on that situation because it was always a temporary visit and I liked my father’s wife, but there was still definitely that feeling of, “where do I fit in this family,” and “these kids are not entitled to my dad’s time.” Of course, kids’ brains are not fully developed at a young age and able to process the situation from a logical perspective. Therefore, their actions are often purely from a self-preservation perspective and steeped in emotions that they may not be able to fully label or express. As such, they don’t appreciate the immense challenges that the situation presents for the step-parent. But that’s the thing about being the adult – you get to take all the responsibility and in return may receive belligerence, the silent treatment, or the dreaded, “you’re not my
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2 Your child’s bad mood
Help your child learn to deal with emotions.
4 Step-parenting
Forge your own role as a step-parent.
4 real mother,” (or father, as the case may be.) What I have learned through writing our main feature article about step-parenting this issue is that step-parenting is a very different experience for everyone. Some become step-parents when the child is quite young, and the adjustment isn’t as difficult. Some are lucky enough to be in a situation where the biological parents’ split was reasonably amicable, and there is not the same resentment from the biological mother toward the step-mother, or biological father toward the step-father. Stereotypes, of any sort, simply don’t cut it when it comes to step-parenting. For an insight into a step-parents’ world, and some great expert advice, check out our step-parenting article this issue. Plus keep turning those pages for more parenting, health and education articles, as well as lots of opportunities to win with our competitions and giveaways. Enjoy.
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Parent-baby attachment isn’t always an automatic experience.
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How to make family time in a busy world.
Eva-Maria talks step-parenting tips to win preteens.
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7 My child is a bully
Practical tips on how to change your child’s bullying behaviour.
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feature story
Being a step-parent We all grow up with fairytales of handsome princes, blushing maidens and happily ever after. But what if you find yourself cast as the evil stepmother?
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stimates suggest that up to a quarter of New Zealand families are remarriages or new partnerships with existing children. Research also suggests that many of those new relationships won’t stand the stress of the new family unit, and will dissolve within the first few years – especially if the new family unit is established without forethought and preplanning.
Evil step-parent? Whether you are a step-mother or stepfather, you will have stereotypes to deal with. A new step-parent often enters the new family unit with a mixture of fervour and trepidation, says Christchurch-based family psychologist Prue Fanselow-Brown. But, their determination and striving to avoid the pitfalls of the archetypical “evil” stereotype often ends in tears and failure: sometimes none of their own doing, and sometimes misguided notions of how the child or children will respond to them. Step-children have undergone the loss (either through death or separation) of a biological parent, and even if that parent is not what you might regard as a good parent – if they are a criminal, a drug-addict, or simply a dead-beat – the child will usually retain strong feelings
of loyalty to that parent. The result, says Fanselow-Brown, is that a sense of betrayal may accompany any positive feelings that the child has towards the step-parent. “I think step parents need to be quite patient and lower their expectations a bit in a new relationship. “Step parents coming into that sort of relationship need to be very aware of how that feels for the child, to see their parent overtly affectionate with somebody new. That sort of affection is best to be kept away from the children initially. Be a respectable friend who will respect their needs. If you’re aware and patient, it can go very well.” In extreme cases, the child may view the step-parent with suspicion, or as a threat to their ties with their biological parent. They may try to sabotage the relationship between their parent and step-parent, act-out with behaviour issues, or seek to re-establish the relationship between biological parents. All of this is within the realm of possibilities, and couples about to embark on a journey as a daughter for five years. She says that being new blended family need to be aware of it. a step-parent has been one of the hardest definitions that she has ever struggled with. The role of a step-parent “I think the most important thing going into it Rather than try to be a parent, step-parents was knowing that I wasn’t going into it to beneed to establish their own role according to come a mother - she has one of those already. Fanselow-Brown. Primarily, at least early on, I’m just me; she’s always called me by my the step-parent’s goal is to be a warm friend nickname “Gen” and continues to do so.” to the child, she says – keeping a distance so that the child has a space in which to observe the step-parent and approach when comfort allows. That’s a strategy that has worked for stepparent Geni McCallum. Geni has been a stepmother to her seven-and-a-half-year old step-
Discipline Discipline can be a dicey subject between two partners even in their first marriage, with their own biological children. A parent’s own upbringing, the influence of
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grandparents and friends, and a parent’s own individual preferences can lead to conflict when it comes to how to discipline a child. Add a step-parent into the mix, and you’ve got a recipe for catastrophe, if it’s not talked about and decided on in advance. Fanselow-Brown recommends that parents in blended families decide on support, rules, consequences and household tasks in advance, and also how to encourage adherence. She says that the “hard stuff” happens when punishments or consequences are required for defiance or failure to comply. In this case, she says that the biological parent
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feature story
The four cornerstones of good step-parenting
You and your partner are a team space has been disrupted to make room for
must adopt the lead role of disciplinarian, with the step-parent in a supporting role. Initially at least, the step-parent can perhaps stand beside the biological parent, or behind them, and nod in agreement, wordlessly. Over time, the step-parent’s role in discipline may change as they build the child’s trust and as the child begins to feel secure in the longevity of the new relationship.
I didn’t ever let myself be treated badly or without respect though; it’s important to stand up for yourself whilst you’re building the relationships in your family. “Just like any parent, my role changes and our relationship is fluid - it took me a while to find my place but I love it now.”
Dealing with dislike
Author Flora McEvedy was 29 when her boyfriend introduced her to his two daughters, ages six and two. Although both parties tried, the relationship between her and the girls quickly disintegrated, as she described in an interview with The Telegraph while promoting her book, The Step Parents’ Parachute. “Most of the time, the girls ignored me with Geni says that has been her experience. studious concentration. But there were “I did wait for a while before I began enforcalso endless scenes - tantrums thrown left, ing rules at the beginning because it wasn’t my right and centre by both them and me. The place to come in and change her life around. girls would stand in my path whenever I
“Once I abandoned any attempt at friendship, it took root of its own accord. They thawed visibly, and started to tell me stuff.
It is natural to crave inclusion in the elite club of blood relatives, but remember you are not an outsider. You are already in a strong relationship, so don’t shut out the person who introduced you to stepparenthood. Talk to your partner about your anxieties, without criticising the child’s behaviour. Try not to compete with your step-child, and give your partner space to love you and the child separately.
someone who is usually seen as an intruder. In self-defence, step-children will try to hurt you because they identify you as the one who has ruined their happiness. Of course it’s difficult being treated like a criminal in your own home, but don’t take their rejection personally. They are probably feeling as paranoid and unsettled as you are.
Know your role
At the start, all you have in common with your step-child is your link with the natural parent. In time, you need to build a direct bond with the child, and, for this, you need to cultivate trust. Even when antagonism has frozen all goodwill, a compliment and a little praise go a long way. However gradually, dedicating yourself to being a positive presence in the life of the step-child will bring stability to your family. *Paraphrased from The Step-Parents’ Parachute: The Four Cornerstones of Good Step-Parenting by Flora McEvedy, available online with Amazon.
If step-children take an instant dislike to you, remember they are not biologically programmed to love you. You may bend over backwards to please them, with little or no thanks, but normal social rules do not apply. Even if the step-child seems to be punishing you for simply existing, try to understand that you may always come second to natural parents, but that second place is not so terrible.
Keep rejection at arm’s length
The arrival of a step-parent can turn a child’s world upside down. The family
approached their dad, and yelp at our friendly overtures. They’re just kids, I told myself, when they refused to eat the macaroni cheese I had cooked.” She says that she started to “burn with resentment,” because no matter how hard she tried, the situation just got worse and all her attempts to be liked were mercilessly scorned. The turning point for her began when she decided that rather than look to her step-daughters for approval, to turn to a different quarter for reward for the work she was putting in with them.
Your step-children need your love
“It dawned on me that I didn’t have to justify myself to my stepchildren, and that I hadn’t been asked to be a step-parent, but had simply become involved with someone who already had kids. So the obligation is to my partner, alone. I owe it to him to make the best relationship I can with his children. When I sweat and toil to look after a stepchild, what I am actually doing is looking after my relationship with my partner.” As McEvedy began to disengage from her need for acceptance, she found the situation began to turn itself around.
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baby & toddler
Bonding with your baby
let-down of milk. hormone dopamine that’s coursing through You’ve been waiting nine For many parents, bonding is a byproduct of your body is also helping your baby to attach months for this little bundle emotionally to you. everyday care giving. You may not even know happening until you observe your baby’s of joy to come into your When bonding isn’t formed it’s first smile and suddenly realise that you’re DS life, SHOES: BUSINESS CARD SIZE and finally, after the pain immediately filled with love and joy. Not every mother feels an instinctive bond with of labour, your precious The importance of bonding her child at birth. In fact, studies have shown little one looks up at you in that about 20% of new mums (and dads) feel no The parent-child bond is a key factor in the way that your infant’s brain organises itself and such bond in the hours immediately following wonder and expectation. influences their social, emotional, intellectual delivery. Sometimes it takes weeks, or even before that bond is secured. The ment inWhat the next issuefeel of Tots to Teens months, magazine – please respond to itandbyphysical development. A secure bond do you in that provides your baby with an optimal foundation reason could be a sick baby in intensive care moment? ER your advertisement is approved for print OR advising of any changes. for life: eagerness to learn, healthy self-
OND TO THIS PROOF BY EMAIL Many mothers describe the experience as “complete euphoria,” surpassing any other feeling of love or affection. It’s a special attachment, or bonding, that takes place between mother and child. But not all births – or all bonding experiences – happen that way.
that you are unable to hold, a multiple birth, an adoption, feeling overwhelmed at the arrival of your baby, sheer exhaustion after childbirth, a traumatic birth, or any number of factors. It’s quite normal, and experts say that it’s really important not to feel guilty over something that you have no control over. In fact, increased stress levels over the issue are counter-productive to relaxing into a relationship with your child.
mail: lesley@totstoteens.co.nz
awareness, trust, and consideration for others. An insecure attachment bond – one that fails to meet your infant’s need for safety and understanding – can lead to identity confusion, learning difficulties, and a struggle to relate to others in later life.
for approval is Friday 6 September 2013. What isbe bonding? Dads and adoptive parents es may made after this date. Bonding refers to the special attachment that Bonding frequently occurs on a
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different timetable for dads and adoptive parents, partially because they don’t have the early contact of breastfeeding that many or mothers have. There are many ways to start and strengthen that bond, and the earlier the better. Where possible: • Participate in the labour and delivery of your child. • Feeding: where baby isn’t being breast- fed, bottle feeding (either formula or expressed breast milk) helps establish a bond. • Read or sing to baby. • Give baby a bath. • Mirror baby’s movements.
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Pregnant? Have you thought of sharing this special time with a student midwife? The focus for our first year Wellington-based midwifery students is to ‘follow through’ pregnancy, birth and the early weeks at home, with women and their families – the role being that of a companion/support person. Our students enjoy these experiences which provide their best learning opportunities. If your baby is due before early November and you think you might enjoy sharing your childbirth experience with one of our students, please contact:
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forms between a mother and father and their new those baby. Thatshown bond is what sends ry from for allparents adsrushprinted onto newsprint. How create – or ing into their newborn’s room in the middle of f you the have any queries please phone your Tots to–Teens consultant strengthen that bond night at the slightest whimper. It’s also what Experts recommend skin-to-skin touch makes parents want to instinctively care for and our Auckland office on 09 412 5123. immediately after birth, for both mum and nurture their child, and attend to the variety of dad, to start the bonding process. But bonding cries that they exert to express their needs. happens in many ways over time. When you How is bonding formed? look at your newborn, touch her skin, feed her, The hormone oxytocin, which is released and care for her, you’re bonding. Rocking your during pregnancy and in greater amounts baby to sleep or stroking her back can establish during labour, helps to create a feeling of your new relationship and make her feel more euphoria and love for your newborn. You may comfortable. When you gaze at your newborn, feel an overwhelming urge to protect your she will look back at you. In mothers who baby from the first moment you see her. And breastfeed, their baby’s cries will stimulate the while you’re savouring the high, the feel-good
When your child is the bully Few parents ever expect the call: your child’s school principal wants to talk to you about your child’s bullying behaviour.
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or most parents, the reaction is one of disbelief, ranging from “It can’t be my child,” to “Maybe the situation has been manipulated by the other child,” to “There must have been extreme mitigating circumstances.” Horror and embarrassment is a normal reaction according The Parenting Place creative producer and presenter John Cowan. “But not always... some parents justify their child’s actions. Some see bullying as a normal and even useful part of human life and others see the persecution as being justified. By all means, emotionally support your child but that does not mean minimising the offensiveness of bullying.” No parent wants to learn the truth that their child is displaying behaviour that belittles, hurts, or abuses other children. The situation raises fear, anxiety, and defensiveness – after all, aren’t children a reflection of their parents? Cowan says not always. “All kids make mistakes. Bullying is a mistake: it is a kid trying on a dud strategy, coupled with some immature logic and immature impulse control. Therefore, any child could be a bully.”
As kids begin school, parents are no longer the sole influence around their lives. Kids have unsupervised time with other kids, and parents are not around to witness - let alone monitor - their child’s behaviour. However, experts say that it is important not to justify your child’s behaviour because of your own fear or sense of shame or failure. There can be many reasons behind bullying behaviour that may not be self-evident from the surface. Author and educator Rosalind Wiseman, who wrote the book Queen Bees and Wannabees, which inspired the movie Mean Girls, urges parents to understand that: • Roles change. Today the bully. Tomorrow, hopefully an early stage. the bullied. Children are not fixed in their Cowan recommends the following course of roles. Depending on the situation, children action to take with your child: can just as easily be the bully as they can the target. 1 Address the issue while supporting the • They have a private life. Parents must child. Even as you are telling them off assume and accept that they won’t know (and you should!) let them know that your everything that goes on with their child. main disappointment is not that they are • Kids have two sides. Children will act “bad” but that you are upset because you differently at home than they will at school. know they are a good kid and capable of • You’re still a good parent. There are better behaviour. It may be appropriate many reasons why parents aren’t aware to set penalties and wind back trust of their child’s inappropriate behaviour, around technology that has been used for and it’s not always because the parent is bullying but let them know, even as you irresponsible. are removing the trust, that you looking So, if you’ve just received that call from the forward to trusting them again. school principal, the first thing to do is to take 2 If the child doesn’t know already, you a deep breath, take a moment to process should leave them in no doubt that what you’ve just heard, and be grateful that bullying is completely unacceptable. you have been alerted. That at least gives Express it in terms of rules (kids you a chance to address the issue at what is
understand rules): no hitting, no rude or threatening talk or texts, etc.
3 Displace the need for bullying by helping
your child build their self esteem in healthier ways – opportunities to play to their strength, feeding back to them about their good qualities, etc.
4 Engineer opportunities for them to mix
in more positive groups to form new friendships where bullying probably isn’t part of the group culture (e.g. sports, scouts, youth groups, hobby clubs etc).
5 Challenge the attitudes of intolerance
that made him think the victim deserved bullying. Instead, encourage a culture of “heroism;” intervening to defend and protect in a heroic way.
6 If appropriate, seek ways that amends could be made with the victim.
win win win Win a BoxTrolls DVD/Bluray! The BoxTrolls are a community of lovable oddballs who are raising an abandoned human boy named Eggs as one of their own. To celebrate the DVD/ Bluray release of this charming film that is bound to have you and your family chuckling away, we have 5 copies of the film for you to win! Simply go to www.familytimes.co.nz to enter. Competition ends 14 April 2015.
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Letters to the Editor We welcome letters to the editor. If you would like to comment on something you have read in Family Times, email editor@familytimes. co.nz. Letters may be edited for space restraints or legal reasons.
Dear editor,
I agree with Dr Annick Masselot’s call for New Zealand to have “a conversation about reproduction and how best to support families.” However, I was concerned by some of the assumptions that underlay other comments in the article. She asserts that the reason for maternity leave is to “recover from giving birth.” That was certainly not my primary purpose in taking it - rather it was to care of my baby! To love and nurture it, and to rest myself when I could. At the conclusion of the article we read that “the main thing is that there should be choices for people.” Perhaps this is the “main thing,” but I would like to see some research to support this statement. Perhaps choices are what best leads to the wellbeing of families, but I suspect not. It seems likely to me that there are other more important factors - allowing that the well-being of families is the key issue we are discussing - such as secure loving bonds between infant and the primary caregiver (usually the mother), and warm support for
parents struggling to deal with the needs of a newborn, which is so very difficult at times. Furthermore, I consider myself a feminist and hope my daughters - and son - will grow up to call themselves feminists too. But I do think that parenting is still, and will ever be, a gendered concept. I am my children’s mother, and I delight in that role. The way I love and nurture my children, and family as a whole, is different from the way their father loves and develops them and I think that is wonderful. Eliza Bartlett Aro Valley Wellington
KIDS TIM E Welcome to Kids’ Time at Family Times. Enjoy the fun activities and competitions. For competitions, enter online by visiting www.familytimes.co.nz and click on the competitions link. Looking for some rainy day activities for your children? Click on the For Kids section on our website for answers and for further activities your children can print out and complete.
Search - a- word 17. Sleep in a tent 19. The sixth month of the year 20. French way to say goodbye 21. Sharp spike on a rose bush 22. Spotted pattern, ... dots DOWN
Dear editor,
I just wanted to say thank you for so eloquently putting across your belief in the “real” meaning of Christmas in your editor’s letter in Issue 60. I love that you have expressed your love for all parts of Christmas; the fun, lights, joy of it all, but also to pause and remember the real reason for the season. I love it all too and make my own advent calendar each year so there are days when we share our favourite carol with each other and sing and dance to them, and others days where we read the “Christmas Story” and put up our nativity scene on a window (which I printed and coloured myself due to lack of such resources). Great to have a balance of everything. Thanks heaps, Rochelle
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Edible Blooms New Zealand offers a unique twist on flowers and gift hampers. Their range of chocolate flower bouquets, fresh fruit bouquets, cake pop blooms and gourmet gift baskets can be ordered easily online and delivered New Zealand wide. Created with top quality ingredients and packing a real “wow” factor, they make perfect gifts. www.edibleblooms. co.nz is giving you the opportunity to win one of four of their gorgeous Happy Blooms valued at $79. Visit www.familytimes.co.nz to enter the draw. Competition entries close 14 April 2015.
win win win Spongebob Squarepants prize pack To celebrate the launch of Spongebob Squarepants: Sponge out of Water, we have four of these fantastic prize packs from Paramount pictures to give away: Each prize pack contains: 1 x Spongebob in-season double pass (two seats each) 1 x Spongebob bath plug 1 x Spongebob ice lolly moulds 1 x Spongebob waterproof speaker 1 x Spongebob ball game Competition closes 14 April 2015 – visit www.familytimes.co.nz to enter.
Game on Our kids activities are proudly sponsored by Homestyle yummy Ouryoghurt. kids activities are proudly sponsored Homestyle yummy yoghurt. For more printable activitiesbygo to www.yummyyoghurt. Forco.nz/kids/ more printable activities go to www.yummyyoghurt.co.nz/kids/ Homestyle yummy yoghurt base and culture has no added sugar Homestyle yummy andhealthy culture choice has no added a and a mild tasteyoghurt so it’s abase perfect for kidssugar and and grownmild taste it’s to a perfect healthy choice for kids and and is grown-ups. It’s easy ups. It’sso easy make in any yoghurt maker a great source of to calcium make in any and yoghurt protein.maker and is a great source of calcium and protein. Available in selected supermarkets and online www.yummyyoghurt.co.nz Available in selected supermarkets and online www.yummyyoghurt.co.nz
MAZE Find your way through the maze
Tim Driver from Comics Compulsion tips off Family Times on the latest and greatest kids’ board games.
Maze S POT T HE DIFFERENCE Can you spot differences
all of whom are happily whacking each other in order to become the one and only King of Tokyo. Play a GigaMonster on a rampage and destroying everything in his way! Roll the dice to get the best combinations to heal yourself, to attack, to buy special cards or to gain victory points. It’s up to you to choose the best tactic to become King of Tokyo. The first to gain 20 victory points - or the last monster standing - wins the game. King of Tokyo is a fast playing and quick to set up game. This makes it a perfect game for parents to join in with their kids. I would happily play this with ages eight-plus. RRP $65.
Castle Panic
Fay Fay and and Jane Jane Birkinshaw Birkinshaw
by by Rita Rita Angus Angus
Rita Angus Angus painted painted this this picture picture of of sisters sisters Fay Fay and and Jane Jane with with their their toys. toys. Rita The girls look very similar, but in what ways are they different? List List four four things things that that are are different. different. 1. 1. 2.
2.
Desig n com petition 3.
3. 4.
4.
DE S I G N CO MPETITION
Design a fabulous, magical Easter Egg Hunt in preparation for the Easter Bunny’s April adventures and describe what’s happening in your design. Send us your picture (either via post 116 vegetables. Design a spring outfit out of flowers and or email) and youmade will be in to win a wonderful prize Itpack for creative kiwiyour kidsmum, from your Crayola. could be for you, dad or anyone else. Please describe what is made out of. entry Send us your picture and be in to9-12. There are itthree separate age groups: 1-4, 5-8 and your$50 design an A4 sheet of paper and either post it win Create an amazing prizeon pack from Crayola! orentry scan age and groups: email itpreschool to us. Don’t to write/type your name, Three (ageforget 1-4), 5-8, 9-12. age, description postal (so wethe cantemplate send you your prize if you win!). Post: Create your design onand an A5 sheetaddress or download and PO Box 36 004, Christchurch 8146. Email: jackie@familytimes.co.nz - Entries close 1 entry form from www.familytimes.co.nz. Post in to PO Box 36 2015. 004,May Christchurch 8146. Entries close on 11 October 2014. A huge congratulations is in order to our winners of issue last issue’s competition too: Congratulations to our competition winners from our last Designdesign your very own to 4-year-olds Maia Andrell New1Zealand superhero. Thank you also to kidsonscreen for the idea, DVD prizes; ourjudge: tent, Felicity my family is inside it.”Christchurch Art Gallery Te Puna O and “This also toisour Milburn of the Waiwhetu. They are: 5 to 8-year-olds Juni Leung Luke“Rainbow Harrison, Treehouse: This (1-4 years old) is the treehouse I designed for my family.” James Yang, (5-8 years old) 9 to 12-year-olds Sam Gormack Wairaamia Taratoa-Bannister , (9-12 years old) Visit www.familytimes.co.nz to view the winning entries. 116
Gooie Backpack lunchbox combo By Kidscapes
Kidscapes is your one-stop shop for kids’ decor products gorgeous wall murals, WIN L E G O ® with F RIEND S F IR S T stickers, rugs, lighting, soft furnishings, A ID J UN G L E B IKE RRjust P to school bags, lunch boxes and gifts, name a few things. $2 9.99 ® makes Withtofree nationwide, Speed thedelivery rescue on the LEGO it Friends perfect sense to shop online at Kidscapes. First Aid Jungle Bike. There’s a monkey www.kidscapes.co.nz is giving you in distress trapped in a cave and it’s upthe to chance to win of four gorgeous Gooie Emma to save him.one Help Emma to shovel the Backpack lunchbox combos at with $79.95 fallen rocks and then check thevalued monkey each medic and available in four Emma’s bag. Give the beautiful monkey adesigns. banana Competition ends 14 April – visit to eat and use the walkie-talkie 2015 to radio www.familytimes.co.nz to enter! figure, home. Set includes Emma mini-doll monkey, First Aid Jungle Bike with detachable side-car and other accessories. Ages 6– 12. We have 20 x LEGO ® Friends First Aid Jungle Bike sets to give away.
King of Tokyo King of Tokyo is a Richard Garfield game for two to six players, in which you play mutant monsters, gigantic robots and other aliens,
Star Wars X Wing In X-Wing Miniatures Game, you take the role of squad leader and command a group of merciless Imperial or daring Rebel pilots in furious ship-to-ship space combat. Intuitive rules have you fighting in minutes. X-Wing includes everything you need to begin your battles, such as thirteen ship cards (featuring nine Imperial and four Rebel pilots), five upgrade cards, and three fully assembled and painted ships. With the quick-start rules, you can simply select one of the exciting missions, position your ships on the playing space as instructed, and choose your opening move. X-Wing can be played in a variety of ways. Select one of the thrilling missions in the rulebook for a narrative game, or dogfight with your opponent until only one ship remains. Only the most clever pilots employing a range of tactics will emerge victorious. What’s more, no mission will ever play the same way twice, thanks to a range of customisation options, varied manoeuvres, and possible combat outcomes. Upgrades available. RRP $65, ages 10-plus.
win WIN win WIN win WIN Win a PTH105 Label Maker from Brother
Karori Pool
WIN 1 00 B E S T N ATIVE PL ANT S FOR N E W ZEA L AND GARDEN S Versatile, practical and really easy to use; label maker isthrough everything Ifthe youPT-H105 have ever wandered theyou could want in a hand-held printer. Whether gorgeous grounds of Larnach Castle, you it’s for labelling baby realised food or lunch boxes, probably won’t have that the this and product is going toofnothe doubt come care maintenance garden at in handy for busyhas parents the go. Larnach Castle beenon Fiona Eadie’s We have six for to give away our This lucky responsibility the past 12to years. Family Times outstanding titlereaders! has been highly regarded This its competition endsin 222001, March since first publication and2015. its Visit www.familytimes.co.nz enter. are revised edition and numeroustoreprints a clear indication that it’s an indispensable gardeners’ companion.We have 10 books to give away.
• Hydroslide
• 25 metre pool
• Aqua fitness classes • Toddler pool • Birthday parties
CSWCC99045
win WIN win WIN win WIN
The forest is filled with all sorts of monsters. They watched and waited as you built your castle and trained your soldiers, but now they’ve gathered their army and are marching out of the woods. Can you work with your friends to defend your castle against the horde, or will the monsters tear down your walls and destroy the precious castle towers? Castle Panic is a cooperative, light strategy game for one to six players ages 10 and up. Players must trade cards, hit and slay monsters, and plan strategies together to keep their castle towers intact. The players either win or lose together in a great game for families, but in the end only one player will be declared the master slayer! Even the youngest member can play as it’s a cooperative and mum and dad can help out without changing the game. A typical game runs 30-40 minutes, RRP $65.
• Spa
22 Donald street, Karori Phone 476 8090, Wellington.govt.nz
www.familytimes.co.nz
9
cool activities
Calendar of Events Wrap the family up nice and is staying at Kilbirnie Park for the 2015 event. The swim is located in the 50m heated indoor warm and head out to enjoy pool in the Wellington Regional Aquatic Centre. Visit try.weetbix.co.nz. some gorgeous autumn days at the following family- 3-6 April Heritage Arts & Crafts Easter Show. friendly events. For more Some 30 guest artists will exhibit their work event and entertainment in the beautiful heritage garden setting and in ideas, visit www.familytimes. the character barn. Trinity Farm, 202 Waitohu Valley Rd, Otaki, 10am-4pm. Door sales only. co.nz and enjoy our large, Visit www.trinityfarm.co.nz. family-friendly resource. 10-12 April 28 March Wellington Better Home & Living Show. Northland Community Autumn Fair. Food, clothing, crafts, used toy and book stalls. Eureka clothing pop-up store. Free entertainment for the kids. From 10am-2pm, Northland Memorial Community Centre. Visit www.northlandcommunitycentre.org.nz.
Featuring the latest eco-trends and innovations for indoors and out, massive show-only specials, free daily seminars, expert advice and prizes. Westpac Stadium, adults $8, kids free. From 10m-5pm, visit www.homeandgardenshow.co.nz.
28 March
10-28 April
Battle Hill Past, Present and Future. Find out how Battle Hill got its name. Join the Ranger and Ngati Toa Rangatira for this guided walk. Battle Hill Farm Forest Park, 608 Paekakariki Hill Road, Porirua – Mana, from 9am-12pm. Visit www.gwrc.govt.nz.
28-29 March
Fields of Remembrance. Sited on Salamanca Lawn, the Fields of Remembrance will feature replica Flanders field poppies and 866 white crosses to commemorate the Wellingtonians who lost their lives during the First World War. Botanic Gardens, Glenmore Street.
CubaDupa. Cuba Street comes alive with a myriad of dance, music, theatre, live street art, carnival, circus and street food. Featuring a mass street orchestra, interactive masquerade costume event, giant puppets and more. Visit www.cubadupa.co.nz .
12 April
29 March
18 - 19 April
Sanitarium Weet-Bix Kids TRYathlon. The Weet-Bix Kids TRYathlon in Wellington
The Porirua Grand Traverse. Tackle the full 54k multisport event or have a crack at the mountain bike ride, trail run, the 7.5k community fun run and walk or the kids’ challenge. Visit www.poriruagrandtraverse.co.nz. St Vincent de Paul bi-annual book fair. Thousands of books for sale, all for $2 or less.
18-25 April
Wellington ANZAC week commemorations. Various events to remember the ANZACS, 100 years on. At Pukeahu National War Memorial Park, 41 Buckle Street, Mt Cook, Wellington. Visit www.mch.govt.nz.
Rumpelstiltskin by Kapitall Kids Theatre A tale of trickery, greediness, magic and love. Kapitall Kids Theatre presents a new and modern take on this classic story these school holidays. However, this time a familiar hardworking farm-girl named little Bo Peep has something to say about it. As the classic characters spin themselves into a tricky situation, it takes some quick thinking and a bit of comedy gold to set the story straight. On 7-17 April at Gryphon Theatre, Wellington.
3 May
Hutt City Crazy Man. The Crazyman is one of New Zealand’s longest running multisport events - a community event embracing all ages, abilities and backgrounds. Visit www. crazyman.co.nz.
21 May
Jetts Secondary School Tough Guy and Gal Challenge. See students from around the country take on this challenging course to win the Toughest School Trophy. Battle Hill Farm Forest Park, Paekakariki , Porirua – Mana. Tickets 07-348-3301.
22 - 24 May
The Baby Show. The Baby Show has just about everything parents need to navigate the journey from pregnancy to pre-school. TSB Arena, 10am-5pm, adults $15, under 12s free. Tickets 09-376-4603.
2 June
FIFA U-20 World Cup New Zealand 2015matches 15 and 16. Join the biggest celebration of global football New Zealand has ever seen! At Wellington Regional Stadium. Tickets 0800-842-538.
Get on board with the Capital E National Arts Festival
What’s on
March 2015 sees the seventh Capital E National Arts Festival, the biggest in New Zealand for children. Art is for everyone, and it is especially powerful for young people. That’s why, at Capital E, we are working hard to raise $5000 to ensure the festival is accessible to all, by providing free transport to selected Wellington schools. To help us reach this target, we are using the fundraising site Boosted, and you can help us spread the word by sharing our campaign with your networks, friends and family. Together we can reach our final milestone for children who do not otherwise get to these events.
APRIL SCHOOL HOLIDAYS
CAPITAL E NATIONAL THEATRE FOR CHILDREN PRESENTS
WIN A CHANCE TO SEE THE REAL WHITE KIWI AT PUKAHA MOUNT BRUCE
Cubadupa is coming to Wellington this autumn! St Anne’s Halle, 22 Emmet Street, Wellington.
Did you know...? - Approximately 15,000 children will get to the festival on a bus. - More than 450 bus rides will be taken by children over the festival period. - More than 100 schools and early childhood centres will use buses to get to the festival. Every $5 donated puts a child on a bus and ensures they are met by a host to guide them through their festival experience. Visit Boosted to get on board www.boosted.org.nz/projects/capital-enational-arts-festival-for-childrenand help us get children to the festival..
sat 4 - 18 april, at the hannah playhouse Proudly supported by
New Zealand
RUMPELSTILTSKIN A fantasy tale of trickery, greediness, magic and love.
drop-in mon - sat 9.30am - 3.30pm BOOK NOW 04 913 3740
capitale.org.nz 10
www.familytimes.co.nz
Gryphon Theatre Wellington
7 - 18 April 2015
Principal funder
CAPITAL E IS A WELLINGTON MUSEUMS TRUST FACILITY
11am & 1pm Weekdays / 11am Saturdays
Bookings: (04) 934 4068
Tickets $10 : Groups 10+ $9 www.kapitallkidstheatre.co.nz
An invitation to all girls aged 5 to 18... Come join the fun & friendship at any of our nationwide locations.
www.girlsbrigade.nz E-mail: info@girlsbrigade.org.nz
cool activities
Entertainment Need a fun activity to beat the with wildlife in a natural environment. Open daily, visit www.staglands.co.nz. autumn blues? The weather The Cross may be cooling down, but The Cross is your family friendly local, with there’s still plenty of fun to be free fortnightly puppet shows and workshops, kids’ activities, face painting and had at a plethora of events and weekend crafts, toys and kids’ menus always available entertainment destinations for the little ones. around the city. Here are a few Laserforce Laserforce Generation 6 Supernova is a ideas to get you started, and state-of-the-art, high-impact game we’ve got heaps more at www. thrilling, that brings out the competitive streak in familytimes.co.nz. everyone, as well as laughs and smiles – it’s Wellington Zoo
just good fun!
Spend a year at Wellington Zoo with a Zoo Crew membership—starting from just $39 for kids! You’ll also get special discounts too. Find out more at Wellingtonzoo.com/ zoocrew.
Holiday specials
Capital E
Sweet treats at Strawberry Fare. Here are some great holiday Visit www.staglands.co.nz. your own trip with up to 16 return harbour ideas designed to keep you daily. Visit www.eastbywest.co.nz. Strawberry Fare and your little ones entertained Bring the family to Wellington’s only dessert crossings Kapitall Kids Theatre presents Rumpelstiltskin: during the school break. specialist restaurant, with more than 20
Rebuild: drop in, free entry. You find an old ruin filled with furniture, decorations and the debris of everyday life. Play, create and discover in this interactive installation Staglands from Imaginarium. On 7 April – 2 May. Get off the beaten track at Staglands these school holidays with free off-road tractorStaglands trailer rides! Run daily 3 – 19 April from Staglands Wildlife Reserve offers visitors the 11.30am to 3.30pm (weather permitting.) unique opportunity to feed and freely interact
desserts to choose from. We also have meals and breakfast and brunch on the weekends. Open all Easter for a school holiday treat.
Round Harbour Explorer
See Wellington on board a Round Harbour Explorer tour these holidays, or make up
Will Rumpelstiltskin be caught out by quick thinking and comedy gold? A tale of trickery, greediness, magic, love, and show-stopping musical numbers! From l 7-17 April, Gryphon Theatre Wellington.
Science at home: outdoors autumn fun! and paste onto paper. Leaf art – arrange the coloured leaves on some card, glue them in place and frame. • Leaf rubbings – cover the leaf with paper and rub lightly with crayon – these can make great cards or pictures for gifts. This makes autumn the perfect time to • Acorns/nuts – with glue and imagination, these observe with your children how nature adapts can be transformed into an acorn family. to the cooler temperatures. Don’t forget, there is fun to be had below the Take a family walk in the park, or around ground too. Why not use one of the simplest your neighbourhood, and you can all point science resources out in your back garden......dirt! out the trees and plants with leaves that are Grab a trowel or small spade and dig a little changing colour. Bring a plastic bag with you trench in your garden with your child. Take on your walks to collect the leaves and acorns time to look closely at the soil. that have fallen to the ground. When you get Take out a little soil and place it on some white home, lay your new nature collection out on card. Use a magnifying glass to take a closer look. some newspaper. What does it look like? There are lots of activities you can do with How does it feel? your nature collection. What will happen if you drip water onto your • Create a nature study – become nature sample? detectives and find out what trees the Is the soil deeper down in your trench the same? leaves came from. Can you find any living creatures? • Acorns are a great example to show the Study some worms. life cycle of a tree. Draw pictures, or print
•
Activity: You will need: • • • • •
1 litre clear plastic bottle or clear glass jar. Sharp tool to make some holes in the top of the bottle. Trowel or small spade to collect dirt. A small funnel that will fit into the top of the bottle. A worm.
What to do: • •
Place some gravel at the bottom of the bottle/jar. Put layers of soil, sand and leaves and grass into the bottle/jar
• • • •
(use the funnel if using plastic bottle) Add a little water to make the soil moist. Place grass cuttings or leaves on top. Now find a worm and carefully put it in the bottle. • Watch how the worm makes tracks in the layers of leaves and soil. Make sure you return your worm to the garden after a day or two. Watch our Science Alive video to learn more about soil: http://youtu.be/p3sv8bSxPcU Science Alive are exclusively providing at-home science experiments to Family Times. Family Times would love to see some pictures of your autumn science experiment. Email to us as admin@familytimes.co.nz.
Danceworks
Jazz ~ Ballet ~ Tap
Karori Recreation Centre
An Island Bay-based dance school We have classes available in Tap, Jazz and Ballet. Classes include preschool ballet for 3 year-olds, adult tap and everything in between. Taking new enrolments NOW! Contact Chloe Spedding Phone: 027-305 1075
E-mail: moveitdanceworks@gmail.com
• Preschool programmes
• Adult classes
• School-age programmes
• Facility hire
• Holiday care programmes • Sports league
CSWCC99045
As autumn settles in, the weather begins to cool down, but children still love to be outside.
251 Karori Road, Karori, Phone 476 8090, Wellington.govt.nz
www.familytimes.co.nz
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parties
Birthdays parties – keeping up with the Jones’ There always seems to be a bit of competition in parenting; from which afterschool activities your kids go to and where you buy their clothes from, to sporting prowess and academic achievement.
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ut arguably the biggest competition of all is birthday parties. Once upon a time, birthdays were simpler. If you were lucky, you would get to invite a few friends around, maybe take off on your bikes down to the park to play, watch a movie later and enjoy a slice of mum’s homemade birthday cake. These days, there seems to be a lot more expectation surrounding birthday parties. From elaborate party bags to hosted venues and expensive activities, there is no end to how much you can spend on a child’s birthday, all to keep up with the Jones’. Of course, there is nothing wrong with those things – after all, a hosted venue cuts down on the clean-up work, and birthday party entertainment is a lot of fun and takes the pressure off you organising games – but it all
Laserforce Gear up with your state-of-the-art Generation 6 Laserforce Battlesuit vest and grip your phaser tight – it’s time for action! The pumping music sets the tone as you stalk your enemies shrouded in a swirling haze. Your Laserforce Battlesuit communicates with you throughout, letting you become fully immersed in your mission as you zap your way through a challenging labyrinth. Pull the trigger on targets and phase opponents to rack up as many points as you can. Just make sure they don’t get you first! Why Laserforce Wellington? • Cutting-Edge Laser Tag Laserforce Generation 6 Supernova is the latest system, making us Wellington’s most immersive and exciting laser tag venue. • Better birthday parties Laserforce Wellington is a family-owned business so we’re more dedicated to going the extra to make sure your birthday party is the best. • A huge arcade More than 50 fun games and prize machines.
comes down to the reasons that you do it. If you find yourself stretching beyond your budget in order to throw a party as fancy as the one that your child’s school friend did last month, you may need to sit back and have a rethink. Will it be worth it when you get the credit card bill? Blogger April Masini says that parents have become so insecure about raising their children that they use their kids to compete with each other, especially when it comes to birthday parties. She says that kids need to learn to have realistic expectations though, and learn that life isn’t always fair, and that not everybody has the same disposable income. One parent who decided to buck the trends for her 2-year-old son’s birthday is Heather Morgan-Shot. Rather than go the catered direction, she and her husband Chris home-cooked birthday treats for the kids, and had a barbecue for the adults. “I had stressed endlessly about my simple approach,” said Heather. “At one point, in the beginning of our party planning efforts, Chris had to remind me that we didn’t need to go overboard for our 2-year-old’s birthday party, and I’m thankful he was able to keep me focused. I find it embarrassingly easy to get swept up in what other mums think and say and, I lose perspective on what works for us as a family.
“In the end, Mason clearly had a blast–and I wouldn’t change a thing about the party we had for him.” Here are some tips for deciding what kind of party, treats, food and entertainment you should have for your child’s party:
1 Set a budget. Be realistic about what
you have to spend, and plan the party accordingly. Maybe in order to book some entertainment, you can skip on catering and home-cook instead. Ask your child what is most important to them about the party.
2 Time. Lots of families have two parents
working, so establish how much time you can realistically put into the party. Maybe
you don’t have time to home cook, or energy to clean up, and a catered party with entertainment is what best suits your needs.
3 Help. How much help is available to you
through family and friends? This may affect your decisions about how to run the party. Maybe your family can help cater, or friends can help supervise or entertain.
4 What your child wants. Your child may not actually want a big, fancy party, but prefer to have just a few friends over to play video games. Don’t be tempted to force a big party if it’s not what your child wants – you may be doing it for your own reasons.
Growing pains If achy legs are keeping your child awake at night, chances are they are experiencing growing pains.
bedtime. The leg pains may hurt so much that they may wake your child from sleep. If your child seems perfectly fine the next day, don’t be quick to think he or she was faking – it is normal for growing pains to disappear in the morning. They usually do not interfere with the child’s ability to play sports or be active. etween 25-40 per cent of children Although they are called “growing pains,” experience growing pains, which most commonly strike during two particular stages there’s no evidence that growth actually hurts. The cause of the pain is unknown. Growing of childhood: in 3 to 5-year-olds and again in pains don’t usually happen where growth is 8 to 12-year-olds. The intensity of the pain occurring or during times of rapid growth. varies from child to child. It’s been suggested that growing pains may Growing pains usually cause an aching or be linked to restless legs syndrome. But throbbing feeling in the legs. This pain often occurs in the front of the thighs, the calves or muscle pain at night from overuse during the day is thought to be the most likely cause. behind the knees. Usually both legs hurt. Some children may also experience abdominal Overuse from activities such as running, climbing and jumping can be hard on a child’s pain or headache during episodes of growing musculoskeletal system. pains. The pain doesn’t occur every day. It comes and goes, and may be experienced for A doctor can usually diagnose growing pains by examining your child and asking months or even years. questions about his or her medical history Most children feel pain in the late afternoon and symptoms. It is important to rule out and evening, right before dinner time, and at
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any other possible causes of the pain before making the diagnosis of growing pains. It is particularly important to see your doctor if the pain is persistent, is following an injury, or is associated with a fever, rash, limping or any other unusual or seemingly unrelated symptoms. Your doctor might order x-rays or blood tests if it is suspected something more serious is going on. There is no specific treatment for growing pains. During the day, doing stretches before and after physical activity could help as a preventative measure to ease soreness from overused muscles. To relieve symptoms, try massaging the area, apply a heating pad or warm cloth, or jumping in the bath or shower. If pain persists, consult your doctor about using pain relief such as paracetamol or ibuprofen. Even a visit to the chiropractor could be beneficial. The good news is that growing pains don’t last forever – most children grow out of them in a few years.
LINGTON L E W G A T R LASE TE A M I T L U E H T IS ARTY BIRTHDAY P
VENUE!
Kids get all the excitement of challenging their friends at laser tag using the latest Laserforce battle suits as well as a choice of over 50 games in the Laserforce Wellington arcade.
THE SEXIEST DESSERTS IN TOWN
? Individual meal options ? No mess to clean up! ? Parents can join in too ? Service second-to-none
For all this lots more at fantastic prices, visit www.laser-force.co.nz or call us now on 04-384 4622 12
www.familytimes.co.nz
Open 7 Days Brunch, lunch, dinner and desert 25 Kent Terrace, Wellington (04) 385 2551
Getting into the great outdoors this autumn Make the most of the settled weather, end-of-summer warmth and quieter holiday season by taking your family out into nature this autumn. Department of Conservation (DOC) ranger Dan Palmer shares his top spots to visit for those wanting to get away for a Weekend: Rimutaka Forest week, a weekend or even just a Park This is a great place to get away to and book day.
out your own hut for the family. With good tracks, bush and the river to swim in, the tracks and huts in the Catchpool valley cater for everyone—you can even push your offroad buggy as far as Turere Lodge. Closer huts are easy to get to if you have slower members, but I like Papatahi hut. It is the furthest up the valley, still only three-and-ahalf hours, but leaves the crowds far behind.
Week: Tararuas/Holdsworth campsite
You could spend ages in the Tararuas. There is nothing better than tramping along the tussock tops of the range or taking a dip (not for the faint-hearted) in an alpine tarn, a lake Day: Kapiti Island or pond up high in the mountains. On a nice This is a great one-day adventure and an allday, you can see the Wairarapa, Kapiti, and round experience of New Zealand’s wildlife. Wellington in the distance. Those with young From the exciting boat ride over through the families can enjoy the flat river valleys, which marine reserve, to the open grasslands with are also beautiful places to hang out. The takahe walking around, Kapiti Island has some Waiohine or Tauherenikau rivers, especially, of the most amazing bush in the region. The are great for swimming and fishing. A fantastic island’s thriving nature is thanks to the fact base for the week would be Holdsworth that Kapiti has been free of pests for decades. campsite with buggy-friendly walks, fishing Cool walks through awesome forests include and swimming nearby, and plenty of space to a lookout from the summit to the Kapiti coast, kick a ball or throw a frisbee. across to the South Island and, on a really Visit www.doc.govt.nz to find out more about these clear day, views of Mt Taranaki/Egmont. awesome places and to plan and prepare for your trips.
42k
Set yourselves a family fitness goal Looking for a family fitness goal this winter? Then get running or walking and join more than 5000 others for the 30th anniversary of Wellington’s premier marathon event. Established in 1986, the Armstrong Motor Group Wellington Marathon has been Wellington’s major mid-winter event for almost three decades. In recent years it has become New Zealand’s fastest growing marathon event, with more than 5000 runners and walkers from 12 countries taking up the challenge. Race director Sally Anderson says the success behind the annual event is simple. “Along with the scenic and achievable course, we cater for people of all ages and abilities.” As well as the marathon (42.2k), there is also a half marathon (21.1km), a 10km and the kids’ magic mile. In 2015 the
21k
30th anniversary celebrations include the introduction of a new 5km event. “It’s a chance for families to set fitness goals together,” said Anderson. “They just pick a goal that suits their age, motivation or fitness.” Participants can also dedicate their run to raise funds for the New Zealand Heart Foundation, which is the event’s official charity partner. Scheduled this year for Sunday 5 July, every finisher will receive a 30th anniversary finisher medal and every entrant goes into a prize draw for a trip to the 2016 Paris Marathon. Entry forms can be found at Shoe Clinic stores and Lifestyle Gyms. Or for full information, including online entry and free training schedules, visit www. wellingtonmarathon.co.nz.
10k
NEW EVENT
30th Anniversary
5k
Kids’ Magic Mile
5th July 2015 www.familytimes.co.nz
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Building quality time into your day As busy parents, sometimes it feels like you are living in Ground Hog Day. The endless cycle of school, work, appointments, activities, shopping, and housework is an unforgiving daily grind that leaves little time for the simple pleasures in life - like enjoying each other’s company.
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o between all the commitments facing modern families, how is it possible to spend quality time with the kids? Parenting expert and author Karyn Riley says there are two main hurdles to achieving this. “One is a perceived lack of time with our busy, often over-scheduled lives; the other is the guilt and pressure that comes with beating ourselves up over not spending “enough” quality time with our children. We all have the same amount of time available - it’s how we prioritise and use that time that makes the difference.” Karyn says that spending 5 or 10 minutes of a hundred percent present, fully-focused quality time with our kids is more beneficial than a longer period of time in which parents are distracted. “One of my favourite sayings is, “We are human beings, not human doings.” We can all
benefit by taking time out to just “be” - with our kids, partners and ourselves.” Karyn advises one way to achieve quality time is to literally schedule it into your diary. “In my experience, if you don’t plan time for what’s important it will generally never happen. Have strong boundaries in place prioritise quality time and stick to it.” What constitutes as quality time will vary between families, Karyn says. Do what suits yours, and never compare yourself to others. “There is no one-size-fits-all - quality is better than quantity. When you do spend time with your family and children, focus on this alone - not what you “should” be doing instead. Be realistic and go easy on yourself remember, “super-mum” does not exist!” kids) we feel it’s important to spend time together. We support one another in sport, so on a Saturday we generally spend all day together. We go to concerts together. We walk the Rapaki track, taking turns with the baby. Donnell is a big boy now so he can help with that!” It is a house rule that the family always eats dinner together, and sometimes they will turn off the TV and just talk. Mum of three Camdon Dudley says family “The kids think I’m a real nerd when I ask, time is key to how her family operates. Both “what was the highlight of your day,” or “did she and husband Brandon work full-time; he you meet someone new today?” But now I’ll as a building services coordinator and she find they will come to me and say “Mum, I did as a preschool centre director. With sons meet someone new today.” Donnell, 15; Troy, 9; and Eli, 20 months, the Camdon says being organised is integral. family do almost everything together including “We’ve got good systems. The kids all know housework, weekend sport and daily walks their responsibilities. If all our jobs are done around the block. then we can get back to that quality time.” “Because of the huge age gaps (between the
“What constitutes as quality time will vary between families. Do what suits yours, and never compare yourself to others.”
**Karyn Riley is a parent educator and life coach, and author of ‘How to Keep the YOU in Mum’. She was a finalist of the Westpac Women of Influence Award 2014 and winner of the Local Heroes Medal, New Zealander of the Year Awards 2012. She is mum to two daughters aged 11 and 14. Her website is www.rileylife.co.nz.
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Step-parents and preteens: What Modern Family’s Jay Pritchett taught me I ’ve recently been re-watching one of my favourite shows, Modern Family. I think what draws me to it (apart from the entertainment factor) is that many of the problems the three families face are very real for families today. My absolute favourite character to watch is Jay: a middle-aged man, married to an out-of-his-depth beautiful Columbian Gloria, with her son from her first marriage Manny. Whether you’ve seen the series, or are a step-parent yourself, take note of the top three things this family has taught me about step-parenting:
1. Ninety per-cent of being a good parent is just showing up. Jay struggles (to say the least) with Manny’s real father’s absolute disrespect to stick to basic time management. Random visits with expectations to sleep over, broken promises to Manny, bringing his new girlfriend unannounced – all these are realities families face today with a parent vaguely outside of the picture. It’s hard to live up to expectations of a parent figure who seems just so “cool,” but Jay puts aside his hate and isn’t there so much to pick up the pieces, but rather just to be there.
2. “While others are out there kicking the ball on the field, Manny’s looking at butterflies.” Trying to shape a child is hard work. Especially if you have a certain dislike of how they have turned out so far. Jay’s biggest goal in life seems to be to turn Manny into a man 14
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while Manny passionately tries to live up to the romantic his mother tries to parent him into being. Be on the same team as your partner! If something irritates you, don’t say it – suggest an alternative parenting method. You are now a team so be on the same page.
3. “I killed the turtle.”
In one episode, after Jay accidentally drops a picture on Manny’s pet turtle and kills it, Jay develops a master plan to make Manny believe that a raccoon got into his bedroom window and killed his pet turtle. Not a good parenting choice overall, but when you are a
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step-parent, honesty is even dearer to preteens in the family. They almost want to feel that you can be more of a friend to them so they expect you to not tip-toe around them the way that their biological parent sometimes does. It’s so easy for you to become the bad guy in a quick flash, so stick to the facts – be truthful. By Eva Maria Eva-Maria is a 23-year-old on a mission to help improve 10,000,000 adult-teenager relationships around the world. She is the author of the bestselling You Shut Up! and sequel Shush, You!. She travels throughout New Zealand, Australia and Russia coaching families, running workshops and speaking at
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Find out about the support services available to separated parents wanting to reach agreement over the care of their children.
Through Separation, which is run by nonprofit organisations throughout the country. This programme has helped thousands of families and gives practical advice to help you deal with separation and the affect it has on your children. It will also help you plan how to care for your children after you’ve separated. To find your nearest programme s a separated parent, Mary wanted click on the “who can help” tab on the Family to make changes to the child care Justice website. arrangements she and her ex-partner John This information and advice may be enough had in place for the last three years. Mary’s to reach agreement with your ex-partner son was about to start primary school and on the care arrangements for your children. she was worried that John taking over care on However, if like Mary you feel it would be Monday mornings might not work because he helpful for a neutral professional to assist you lived some distance from the school. While both to reach agreement, then you may like Mary and John were on speaking terms, she to contact a Family Dispute Resolution (FDR) did not feel confident raising these issues provider. The FDR provider’s role is to help directly with him. you both reach an agreement on how to best Have you found yourself in this situation, or care for your children. The FDR provider is are you recently separated and unable to not there to take sides but is there to guide reach agreement with your ex-partner over you to find solutions that work for you both the care arrangements for your children? and work for your children. While most parents are able to agree on how The FDR provider may also suggest you get to look after their children, some benefit from legal advice if you haven’t already. If you are support. A number of new services in the eligible, you may be able to get free advice community to assist people to resolve their from a Family Legal Advice Service lawyer. care arrangements without the need to go to More than 80% of people who have gone court were introduced by the Government in through FDR have been able to reach March 2014. agreement. FDR places less strain on your As a first step you may find that developing children, as it helps you keep their interests at a parenting plan, in discussion with your exheart and resolve issues without the stress of partner, is a useful process for agreeing on going to court. care arrangements. The parenting plan is a Alternatively, there are other public services useful resource, which will help you think available that can help. You can find these on about all the things that may happen and help the Family Justice website or you can seek you to reach agreement. The parenting plan advice from your local Citizens Advice Bureau. and other useful guides are on the Family The family justice website is www.justice.govt. Justice website (see below). nz/family-justice. Separating parents are also able to attend Advertorial the free information programme Parenting
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