HAPPY hooligans

HAPPY hooligans

STEVE MACK TALKS ABOUT THE CHALLENGE OF PARENTING BOYS, BOTH ON A PRACTICAL AND EMOTIONAL LEVEL.

Boys and girls are the same in many ways, however, boys are generally busier, more robust and physical. There is a spectrum of boy types, as there is a spectrum of girl types. Boys are more practical and logical, but usually a few years behind girls in their emotional development – and we need to help them with that and teach them along the way.

I think if one had to set a goal in life for a child, it’s simple: happiness. There are of course times when they aren’t going to be happy, when they learn through adversity or difficulty, but let’s work at happiness as a goal.

Most parents of boys would agree that boys can certainly behave like hooligans. There are three words that I use when I’m working with children, especially boys. They are commitment, communication and collaboration.

In order to bring up a happy hooligan, you need to show him that you are committed to him at all times. We talk about unconditional love – is it a misnomer? Absolutely not. We have unconditional love for our children which we need to express to them on a regular, ongoing basis. Boys need to know that they are loved, always and at all times. Commitment is: “I love you always, no matter what you do or who you are”. Importantly, this doesn’t mean that discipline falls away and your son can get away with anything without consequences.

Out of commitment comes communication. Boys are not always the best communicators. I remember picking up my son from school and asking: “How was your day?” All I’d get was a grunt. You need to work harder at communicating, so think about your son’s day when you’re going to fetch him. Did he have a sports practice or a drama rehearsal, or maybe his best friend has been sick? Use this to improve your conversations. Boys don’t mind questions as long as you aren’t asking the same one over and over again, expecting a different response.

Once you are committed and communicating, that’s when collaboration comes in.

Remember that collaboration isn’t control. Many of us think that kids should just listen to what we say because we’re older and wiser and because we are their parents. Children like to argue, especially boys. However arguing isn’t always disrespectful, it’s also about seeing how their brains were trying to prove themselves right or wrong. Disrespect is not allowed but questions should be, and that’s where collaboration comes in. When you’re collaborating with your son, you’re giving him the chance to share his opinion and to say what he thinks and show who he is.

In today’s world, it’s tough being a boy. Everyone is in power and everyone has equal rights, yet the world still says boys have to be masculine, in charge and in control. Feelings of inadequacy are something to look out for, as boys often don’t feel good enough. We have it in our power to make our sons feel better about themselves by encouraging them to be involved and have fun. Happiness is having fun! It is through commitment, communication and collaboration that we can raise happy hooligans who grow into balanced young men.

Steve Mack, EDUCATIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST

Steve is an ex-high school teacher who taught at boys schools and then shifted his career to psychology.

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