Mollywood BLVD

CANDY EDITION

The ‘S’ ranking tier is typically regarded as standing for “superb” and is the highest-ranking tier. S-rank originated from academic grading in Japan where the word “sugoi” is the top of the list meaning “extraordinary,” a level even higher than an ‘A.’ YouTube users have jumped on the trend of ranking things through the S tier system. You can do so yourself by going to tiermaker.com and selecting a category to rank.

Naturally, being the pop culture maven I am, this Halloween Spooktacular will focus on creating an S tier of Halloween candy.

S:As a kid, you learn the neighborhoods where doctors and lawyers live and you hit them up. Rich neighborhoods tend to be a mecca for the most coveted of Halloween candies, falling under the S tier: Full sized candy bars of any variety. A full sleeve of Starburst or a full bag of Skittles, M & M or Reese’s, full sized Snickers, Twix. Even better, KING SIZED candy. Also included in the S-Tier: Cash. This tier is rare, but as a trick-or treater, when you get it, it feels like you struck gold. If you are an adult providing anything in this tier, you are known as “The Legend.”

A: “The Trusty Provider” A tier would be the best, only if those rich hoitytoits on the hill didn’t blow it out of the water with their full-sized candies. You can often buy an assorted bag with these popular brands in them, only containing one dud in my opinion, which is the regular Hershey’s mini bars. But the rest are solid: Snickers, Twix, Kit-Kat, Butterfinger, Reese’s Cups (or even better, Reese’s Pumpkins). Haribo Gummy Bears prove to be an unexpected treat. Rice Krispy bars are also in the A tier but only if they are packaged. Homemade goods of any kind unfortunately rank towards the bottom of the tier. Sour Patch kids and Mini Skittles pouches are A tier, but if it is the tropical Skittles, they move into B or C tier. Literally tastes like perfume. Flavors matter.

B:B tier is solid. It’s clearly not the best, but it is more than acceptable candy that any kid should be satisfied with. This tier includes runners-up to the A tier: Fun size Three Musketeers, Milky Way, Laffy Taffy, Whoppers, fun size M&M’s, Twizzlers, Reese’s Pieces. The two-pack Starburst fall under B tier as well. Sure, they come in clutch, but they lose stock, only because of the off chance you could get two yellow. It’s a total crapshoot. Malted Milk Balls and Milk Duds if you’re into them are definitely B tier as well. Even if they are your No. 1, they aren’t universally popular, like Twix and Snickers seem to be, but they look good with the top tier stash. Swedish Fish falls into this tier as well. Not everyone’s favorite, but a pleasant change of pace and usually a decent sized pouch. Crabby Patties are an absolute treat and a Halloween rarity. They are markedly not good- but they definitely have the capacity to utterly delight any child who gets one, so I give them a solid B.

C:Milk Duds. My kids would argue this. It’s personal preference, for sure. Chocolate coins are novelty, and as a kid you get pretty excited to add a little sparkle to your loot, but they are just basic milk chocolate; They only get the C tier ranking for the pirate’s booty factor. Nerds are C-Tier. In fact, a lot of the non-chocolate, pure sugar and Red #5 candies fall under this category: Dots, Pixie Sticks, Spree, Runts, Smartees, Sweet Tarts, Air Heads. It is pure sugar that only kids could truly enjoy. Blow Pops and Tootsie Pops also fall under C. Not bad, not the best, just somewhere in the middle. It is worth noting that the C tier provides a little bright color to your assortment so while they may not be the most desirable candies, they sure are pretty. Mike & Ike and all the Mike & Ike spinoffs fall under C tier: Jolly Joes, Hot Tamales, etc. (I do recommend the Mike & Ike mega mix!) Red Vines and Gobstoppers round out the C list.

D:Hundred Grand, Baby Ruth, Pay Day, Hershey’s Assorted mini chocolate bars (Mr. Goodbar, Krackle, Dark Chocolate etc) Double Bubble gum. I know it is well meaning, but Fruit snacks (just seems lazy, like you forgot, or like you’re trying to make my kid eat healthier; knock it off) Lemonheads, Sixlets, Tootie Fruities… These are ok, but once you have sifted through the good stuff, a lot of times this is all that’s left and there is a good chance it stays in the cupboard until next year and gets cycled back into your candy bowl to give out to kids the next year. If you leave a bowl on the steps with only these choices while you are out trick-or-treating with your kids there is a good chance it will be untouched when you return.

E:Chips Ahoy cookies, Granola Bars, Hershey’s Kisses, Almond Joy, Mounds, Werther’s Originals, Heath Bars (look you may like some of this as an adult but as kids, forget it!) This is the class of candy you give your mom because she probably likes it- no chance a kid wants anything to do with it. Maybe the Hershey’s kisses, but I’ just saying, if this is what you are distributing you are asking to get your house egged.

F:This is the worst, bottom of the barrel selection. If this is you, just leave your porch light off because Halloween is clearly canceled. This tier includes (I am guilty of this) leftover piñata and parade candy, an apple, Circus Peanuts, black licorice, even worse, black licorice or popcorn flavored jellybeans and candy corn. Candy corn in a little pouch is well-meaning, but just spare the poor kids. Also, please don’t give out little raisin boxes or dental floss. No one wants that. Homemade treats

like popcorn balls and caramel apples are a nice thought, but I am convinced there is cat hair on them, the kids’ moms certainly think there is a razor blade hidden inside. It is going straight to the trash so just save yourself the hassle. We had a guy on our block last year who handed out coupons. F for Fail.

Unicorn Award: Full cans of soda, mini cans of Pringles, wax lips, plastic vampire teeth, glow sticks, mini Halloween stamps, spider rings, temporary tats and rubber balls. Y’all are kind of weird, bit I will allow it. 