RANTS & RAVES

Merry COVID Christmas! HERE’S TO EVERYTHING I HAVEN’T GOTTEN DONE.

Christmas 2021 will be a holiday season unlike any other! Most of us weren’t even sure we’d survive the rst six months of the pandemic, let alone make it this far. We’ve grown snippy, impatient and generally disagreeable during all this time alone. Worse yet, for some of us, we spent an extraordinary amount of time with our family members in a con ned space. All of this spells disaster for what is normally a stress- lled time of year to begin with.

I had super ambitious plans at the start of the lockdown. As the months came and went, and isolation continued, I made lists. I promised my doctor some healthy exercise results, and I bragged about all my soon-to-be accomplishments to anyone who would listen. I thoroughly enjoyed my visions of working on my book, learning to cook exotic new recipes, becoming uent in a language or two, and making lots of fabulous art.

Instead, I let my hair grow out to its natural color for the rst time in forever only to discover startlingly grey sideburns reminiscent of Grizzly Adams.

I remember the days where I spent my time traveling, volunteering, communicating with friends and generally enriching my life. And then, the rst month of COVID hit. Some of us tried to combat our frustration with things like liquor and drugs. And some of us just spent our time on Amazon shopping for things we never had any need for … until now. I found myself hunting for things I didn’t even know existed (I’m talkin’ to you Potato-of-the-Month-Club), but now desperately need shipped via overnight express!

I was even ordering things for the pet I don’t have — did you realize you can get a custom wig made for your cat? I mean I wasn’t even sure how many pairs of shoes you could order online before the security department from your credit card company would call (it’s 24). I even ended up ordering a four-slice toaster because two slices just seemed so limiting for my future brunch extravaganzas. As a single person, I don’t normally eat four pieces at one time, but I always like knowing I have the option.

Then, I decided I had so much time on my hands, I’d make all my Christmas gifts. Special, handmade, old-school, keepsake, Martha Stewart, why-buy-it-when-you-can-spend-triple-the-costmaking-it sorta treasures. Which seemed like a stellar idea until I went down the rabbit hole.

I realized I was pretty committed to following an orphaned rescue squirrel online (littlethumbelinagirl.com). She had to have a hysterectomy and gained so much weight, she wasn’t able to t into the crocheted lobster costume one of her fans made for her. I found myself checking on her recovery on a rather regular basis.

After that, I was laser focused on my dreams of going to the Sloth Sanctuary of Costa Rica. You get to bathe baby sloths with a special mix of leaves to get the mold off of them because they move so slowly. Is that a fantabulous job or what?!

I used to enjoy holiday shopping as well as all the traditional preparations that come with the season. Now all I can think of is how recently my favorite big box store has cleaned their cart handles. You know they hadn’t given a thought to cleaning those wonky-wheeled things since the day that store opened.

Then the pandemic hit and everyone cleaned everything … for about three weeks. Well, last time I was in a big discount store, they had a room lled with soaking wet carts. They had sprayed them down with some chemical that smelled like the unfortunate seats in the back of the airplane right next to the bathroom. I went home and wiped down my handbag and burned all my clothing as I couldn’t get that abhorrent disinfectant smell off me. Nothing says festive holiday gift hunting like that?!

I always loved getting a fancy, over-priced coffee drink while I wandered the streets in search of the perfect gift. Now all I can do is notice how many times my barista touches her hair and face before she puts her nger directly over the drink hole of my latte lid. I wasn’t a germaphobe before, but now every time they ask me to sign a credit card screen with an attached pen, I recoil. I fear all those germs may kill my holiday spirit and doom my friends to a year of terrible gifts. FYI to my family, it’s gonna be the SEASON OF REGIFTING.

So, I had all this time and I didn’t accomplish anything and I didn’t get anything made. Come to think of it, I didn’t really learn much either. I was gonna address Christmas cards in July, but I got caught up not showering and making banana bread every other day. The big trick will be turning all this wasted time into last-minute gifts for my loved ones. Finding all the books I haven’t read that I can rewrap for my siblings. And, I’ve only used the toaster a couple times. I can clean that out and wrap it up pretty easily. Anything to avoid having to go out and mix with the great unwashed.

I mean, I like people, and even I’ve enjoyed ignoring everyone for the last year. I wonder if I still have time to get those potato subscriptions ordered. 

LITTLE THUMBELINA GIRL™ is a website that follows the life of an Eastern Grey Squirrel born in a big city.