Rants & RAVES

Shall we just name the elephant in the room, Christmas! People have so many expectations of what should happen and how everyone should feel. Bring on the stress, disappointment and over-spending. The holidays bring out the weird in families. It’s a magical time of year, but you better get that pallet of Xanax delivered early. And while you’re at it, meet the guy at the front door to sign for that crate of wine.

I adore the tradition of advent calendars.

When I was a kid, the idea of opening that tiny door each morning was enough to get me to jump out of bed. Sometimes it was candy or a treat; other times it was just a cute holiday picture. I still buy these as an adult, because I love the anticipation as well as the countdown to the big day.

My family always gets to open one gift on Christmas Eve. This can’t be a really nice gift. It’s a “starter gift,” kinda like a “starter husband.” It probably seems like a fun, quirky thing at the time, but turns out to be something you want to get rid of in a year or two.

You gotta keep your expectations low. In our household, it’s most likely a re-gift or something that my sister purchased at the gas station the day before. You’re either getting lottery tickets, a gas card or a cigarette lighter shaped like a guitar.

Then there was the year Mom got the free badminton sets at the bank. They came in long, plastic carrying cases that had a very distinct shape. She would wrap them up and put them under the tree year after year. It got to the point where we recognized the shape and quit unwrapping them if our name was on the gift tag. There was a reason the bank was giving them away. No one wanted those damn badminton sets.

When we were young, on the morning of the big event, you could roll out of bed and wear your pjs while digging through your stocking that had a toothbrush and dental floss inside. These days, we wait for everyone to arrive, but God help us all if there aren’t fresh cinnamon rolls made by my sister. Sticky buns are a non-negotiable part of the day. We take turns opening gifts that are distributed by the designated gift wrangler.

As added fun, no one seems to put name tags on their gifts so it’s always an adventure to remember who it goes to based on the shape or some intensive shaking.

My personal gift giving tradition requires no shaking. I like to bestow my family members with boxes of holiday-themed Kleenex. Decorative boxes with dorky holiday scenes are my favorite.

I come from a runny-nosed tribe, so Kleenex is necessary in every room of the house as well as every vehicle. This also means that I’m able to do all my shopping in one aisle for under $25. It’s a win-win.

Speaking of serious, non-negotiable parts of a Closner holiday, there must never be a change in the menu — and I mean ever.

We must have turkey with stuffing both in the bird and on the side. The mountain of potatoes that are peeled and destined to become mashed potatoes comes with your choice of a waterfall of gravy or some local, over-priced butter. I don’t think you wanna know what happens if there isn’t enough extra gravy to

is coming, Christmas oh my soak the leftovers the following day. And is it even a holiday if there isn’t a Jell-O salad? Closner types lean toward the strawberry gelatin with layers of fresh berries and sour cream. And no smooth cranberries here. We like ‘em lumpy. Then there’s the green beans. Oh, the green beans. My Grandma’s sour German green beans that can only be served on Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter. I’m talking canned green beans with bacon and apple cider vinegar. They’re a treasured holiday dish only spoken of in hushed tones during closed family meetings. No one actually knows what happens if you make them on a random Wednesday night?! We don’t dare try it. We can’t risk it ... Well, this year we thought we’d try something different. Christmas morning brunch instead of breakfast, no gifts and lasagna for dinner. We sent out a family email and the ensuing barrage of protests was immediate and loud. What did we think we were doing with these changes?! I guess it’s time to stock up on the green beans. 