RANTS & RAVES

This time of year makes me crazy! All this reflection and goal setting and turning over of new leaves. The never-ending positive thinking is enough to send me over the edge. What’s wrong with doing the same thing over and over and continuing to be surprised that nothing changes? I’m not like other people. I don’t want to ponder the reasons that I don’t finish projects or learn to play tennis. I admit a little ninja warrior sorta thrill as I step over the same paint cans that have been in the garage doorway since last year.

My sister continually says, “I’m conflicted.” It doesn’t matter how successful she is at work, she’s always sure she isn’t doing enough. I sometimes mention to her a little thing called “work/life balance” which she’s particularly bad at. When she isn’t at the office, she’s working herself into a frenzy at home mowing, painting, gardening or baking until she’s so stiff she can hardly move. Our family calls it working herself into her SOC (State of Collapse). So, you can imagine that as the new year arrives, the race to finish everything she wanted to accomplish in the last 12 months becomes overwhelming. She’s a wreck and I just sit by and watch.

I don’t have her constant drive (which, as my older sister, she mentions frequently). For instance, I’ve spent the last 35-years telling my dentist I was gonna floss more. I never have, but I feel good knowing he might believe me for a little while. Then, my six-month visit comes up and the hygienist asks the dreaded question. It’s then I’m forced to announce that the water flosser I purchased from them three years ago is just now out of the box and on the bathroom counter. The water tank is empty and I still haven’t read the directions, but I feel I’m one step closer to an honest lifestyle.

Making changes just isn’t my ‘thing.’ I understand the importance of growth, but I don’t want to be pressured to engage in it. I want to enjoy complaining about it. Every time I read a self-help book that says you should “just change one little thing”, I think to myself, what moron doesn’t know that?! I know if it gets hot in the house, I’m gonna open a window! I don’t need to buy a self-help book to guide me. The fact that I’ve had the same resolution for the last 20-years about making my bed each morning proves the fact that I cannot be shamed, privately or publicly, into doing something I don’t care about. Going to bed in a matted nest of sheets every night doesn’t make me a bad person or a moron, does it?!

Who wants to start a whole new year thinking about all the things they’ve done wrong? If I went to a 12-step program for everything I needed help for, I wouldn’t have time to work for a living or have any pals. I’d just spend my days going from the COHA (Christmas Ornament Hoarders Anonymous) meetings to CBLP (Compulsive Bed Linen Purchasers) groups. Over lunch, I’d hit up the ATLDZSC (Addicted to Little Debbie Zebra Snack Cakes) get together and see what everyone thinks about the new seasonal-shaped waxy treats. And, don’t get me started about the YCNHEBS (You Can Never Have Enough Black Shoes) meetings held in the parking ramp by the Nordstrom shoe department.

I think I have some pretty good habits. Maybe I’ll just focus on those this year. I’m nice to old people, although my sister tells me to quit trying to befriend everyone. She says, ”Not everyone wants to be your pal.” I’m also a good driver, although you don’t wanna cross me if I let you merge and you don’t give me the thank you wave. I smile at small children, although I’m not a fan of how sticky they are. I say please & thank you to everyone in the service industry. I’m a friend to all animals, although I don’t like the gross ones like snakes and their associated nutty owners.

When I get together with cohorts who tell me of their upcoming self-improvement/weight loss programs/house remodeling projects/landscaping layouts, I simply smile and think to myself, “Thank God I’m not you!” Why all this change???

I’m comfortable letting the holidays sneak up on me and leave me unprepared each year. I look forward to wrapping my holiday gifts the night before and continuing my tradition of sending belated birthday cards to my family members. The potentially drastic effects of my routine procrastination are what get me motivated. I like guessing how many more miles I can drive before I run out of gas. I once hitchhiked outside a prison (completely surrounded by, “Do Not Pick Up Hitchhikers” road signs) due to my lack of planning. Who wants to ruin adventures like that?!

So, hold all the inspirational, improve yourself gewgaws and messages which will just annoy me anyway. And, a big NO to my dentist, Dr. Bob. No one wants to see your stupid poster of a kitty clinging to a tree branch saying, “Hang in There, Baby!” that you mounted on the ceiling.

I’m gonna enjoy 2022 just like I did last year and the year before and the year before that. 