Rants & RAVES

(Kevin Ku/Unsplash)

Where did the time go?

We can dictate messages and have Siri send them out for us. We have the ability to buy everything any anything online in the blink of an eye. There are apps that will remind you about special dates and even send hand-written cards for you. Stores are filled with pre-made meals, bagged salads and even frozen, pre-cooked toast. People will deliver pretty much anything to our homes for a price. We can drive thru for liquor, drugs, weddings and funerals. There are vending machines that dispense homemade cupcakes, for God’s sake.

I often find myself buying pack after pack of new underwear and socks during a timecrunched holiday season. I mean how much time would an actual load of laundry take? It’s not like I’m going down by the river pounding my clothes on a rock. I don’t even have to pour the detergent into the machine anymore since I switched to those pre-measured “pods.”

What are we doing with all the extra time we don’t spend writing checks, licking stamps and using those time-consuming toasters?! Where is all my extra time?

I decided to do a little research. Apparently the majority of my time each day is spent: • Checking to see if my nose or ears have gotten any bigger. • Looking up old boyfriends online to make sure their wives aren’t better looking or more interesting than me. • Reviewing my bank account to see if I’m overdrawn. • Practicing the speech I’ll give on my book tour when my first best seller comes out or gets written. • Calling my cell phone so I can figure out where I left it. • Holding my eyebrows up to see how I would look after a brow lift. • Pondering what I will do when the TV show “Hoarders” calls me. • Watching the Home Shopping Network and practicing what a great host I would make because of my vast knowledge of adjectives. • Thinking about how behind I already am for Christmas. • Checking for whiskers and other scary hormone-related scourges. • Asking Siri how tall my favorite celebrities are. • Writing down what my first step should be when I win the lottery. Do I call the attorney or just go straight to the car dealership and buy in bulk? • Trying to listen to my voice mail and accidentally calling everyone. • Hunting in my fridge to see if someone went grocery shopping for me. • Watching the Food Network and writing down detailed gourmet recipes I will never make. • Blowing my nose. • Viewing videos of people cleaning their houses so I will supposedly become inspired to clean my own. • Using the online Urban Dictionary to get current on my street slang in case I join a gang. • Coming home from Target and trying to figure out how I spent $175. • Calling my sisters to ask if I really look 58. • Searching for one of 8 pairs of cheaters scattered around the house and in my car. • Looking up where the countries are that the kids who work at my coffee shop have been to & I’ve only heard of during the Olympics. • Attempting to find jeans that are long enough. • Adjusting the thermostat to accommodate my hot flashes. • Talking baby talk to my sister’s dog. • Looking to see if it’s legal to have a wombat as a pet in Minnesota. • Checking my fingers to see how many cold weather-related skin splits (aka

“Clown Thumb”) have kicked in overnight. • Reading how to re-set the clock on my oven and microwave. • Fuming about how much I hate my $39.99/month cable package that costs me $229 a month. • Watching the movie “Piranha” via the afore-mentioned cable package that apparently only has this one free movie available. • Trying to decide whether my Super Power should be Invisibility, Flying or

Mind-Reading? • Looking up horrific medical conditions I might have. • Wondering where I’ve left my car keys. • Researching Scrabble words that use a “Q.” • Penning a list of things my best friend should remove from my house if I die suddenly.

I really need to get a life…