CW: alcohol, sexual language, sexual harrassment, swearing
SATIRE
SATIRE-IN-BRIEF Written by the Satire Team ScoMo wants to lower drinking age to twelve, following proposal for child forklift operators
Social anxieties on campus increase as students report underwritten dress code creates peer pressure.
“It’s only fair they get treated the same as any other hard-working Australian, which includes the right to Friday knock-offs,” Morrison said. When asked whether asylum seekers and refugees should also have an unrestricted right to work, Morrison claimed his wife Jenny usually deals with that kind of stuff. — MB
Breaking News from Provost: The University of Melbourne to install $60 Kmart air fryers in all student community hubs
“Student 1, Arts, third year: I was wearing an Ariana Grande “Sweetener” concert tee, and people literally stared at me like I was naked. I mean I could be better off walking around naked.” — DZ
A helpful guide to giving off good vibes in your first politics tutorial:
Following results of the wildly anticipated university student experience survey, the University reckons this nouveau bachelor approach will combat students’ lapse in academic motivation amidst trialling times. The University continually strives to cater to its vastly Millennial and increasingly Gen-Z student cohort and strongly holds the belief that this unique move will surely offset students’ cries and pleas for financial and academic compensation. — AM
Come prepared with questions that have no relevance to the lecture but make reference to an obscure political theorist. Mention your 95.4 ATAR and then say “but like ATARs don’t ever matter anymore man”. Use as many French words as possible, especially if you don’t know what they mean! Think “laizzez -faire”, “coup d’etat”, “omelette du fromage”. — GB
“Broke” residential college student heads out for third karaoke sesh this week Apparently, having your rent paid for by your folks is not a foolproof way to avoid destitution. This was discovered by an anonymous residential college student who has just, for the third time this week, paid an obscene amount to sit in front of a janky TV with a four-pixel resolution and sing. He confesses to Farrago that vicariously belting the hit song “I Just Had Sex” with his mates was probably the highlight of the night, given that the karaoke bar does not have seem to have any songs earlier than 2011. Pondering his bank balance of $36.40, he realises that he cannot possibly thrive in these conditions and vaguely wonders if NFTs would curb this reckless spending. — GY
British citizens shocked by Boris Johnson’s lockdown parties. Not shocked that he had them, but shocked that anyone actually showed up. “I’m just amazed that the man has enough friends for a party,” said British citizen Hetty Crumpet. “You’d think one of them would have been kind enough to tell him to find a new hairdresser.” “The man couldn’t even organise Brexit, I can’t imagine how he’d go putting together a menu for everyone’s dietary requirements,” another surprised citizen added. — AS
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Illustrated by Edith Spiers
