SATIRE
SATIRE-IN-BRIEF Written by The Satire Team
Wayne Carey still not fired Latest reports reveal that, against all odds, Wayne Carey will still get his creepy mug aired on Channel 7. Refusing to follow in the footsteps of 3AW and the Nine Network, Channel 7 has decided to turn a blind eye this Women’s History Month, urging viewers to keep calm and Carey on!
Local woman makes brave decision to switch from almond to oat milk Despite clearly being the best tasting alternative milk, almond milk has recently come under fire for its wildly water-intensive farming process. As oat milk continually increases in popularity, scientists are left pondering what is left on Earth to be milked.
—Laura Bishop
University assignment is super clear and instructions totally make sense University subject coordinator Dr Claire Consignes made the radical decision last week to create an assignment task that avoided deliberately vague and contradictory language in the task instructions. However, Consignes added that she was only experimenting with different approaches to assignment instructions and would likely revert to her old ways.
—Raina Shauki
Teen reeling from The Wiggles’ “Like A Version” insists the only way to reach equilibrium is Tame Impala covering “Fruit Salad” “It was transcendent,” said Marvin of Fitzroy. “But it leaves this huge gap in the whole yin-yang of everything… the balance is like, way off.” Tune in to triple j next week for Play School’s cover of Ariana Grande’s ‘positions’. —Laura Bishop
—James Gordon
Public outcry as Federal Government announces return of the “lost” hour
Morrison punishes Ministers by giving them easier jobs
“An hour doesn’t just disappear. Where does it go? What does the government do with it before we get it back? Why is QLD allowed to keep their hour?” asked concerned citizen Roger Biscuit, who called in to 3AW’s breakfast talkback radio show this past Tuesday.
Morrison was also questioned over the suitability of new Attorney-General Michaelia Cash. The PM said that Cash’s previous failure to supply the AFP with a witness statement demonstrated the in-depth legal knowledge required to be a Liberal Attorney-General.
—Raina Shauki
—Josh Abbey
Victorian Liberal Party invites Giuliani to become leader in bid to restore party’s credibility In a surprise move, the Mafia has rescinded its longstanding contract against Giuliani on compassionate grounds. A spokesman for the Mafia said that “Giuliani is clearly doing more damage to himself than we could ever manage”.
Local woman infuriates Tinder match by saying her favourite Bon Iver song is “Exile” “Of course it’s my favourite song—Taylor Swift is in it,” she said to the yellow-beanie-wearing man. “But then he went on a ten-minute hate rant about Taylor and the gentrification of indie music...” The pair are set to have their first date at a bar next week… but you probably haven’t heard of it.
—Josh Abbey
USA charged USD$35 Million for Dance Pole to Hell
—Ella McCartney
Satire coordinators give satire team more than three days to write headlines
Lil Nas X has billed the US Government for the pole he used to spiral down to Hell in his video for ‘MONTERO (Call Me By Your Name)’.
In a remarkable feat of organisational skills and communication, the satire coordinators at Farrago have given their team more than two weeks’ notice to churn out comedy material. The Guinness World Records committee has been in touch.
“I’m charging the government only for the part of the pole that goes into the Earth—just the last 4000 miles,” Lil Nas X said. “The government should consider this a steal.”
*Satire Coordinators’ Note* Okay bucko, listen here. We had a record number of submissions from the satire team this edition. Proof is in the pudding—diamonds (and lots of ‘em) are forged under pressure.
—Rowan Burridge
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Illustrated by Annanya Musale
—James Gordon