Editorial
ys! Greetings, intrepid Jaff
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Ailish Hallinan Allie Akerley Ashlea Banon Bayley Horne Breana Galea Britney Bichh Claire Hoang
Cont ributors Evan Goulios Janvi Sikand Joel Duggan Jordan Di Natale Ivan Jeldres Lochlainn Heley Madison Barr
Manyu Wang Pat rick Mercer Rohith Prabhu Sophie Reid Vanessa Chan Yicheng Xu Weiting Chen
Cover Art by Rohith Prabhu
The University of Melbourne, her Lore, and her Legends Written by Allie Akerley
With over 150 years of history, the University of Melbourne has a plethora of crazy and kooky stories. In case you ever feel like conducting your own midnight ghost hunt or Baillieu Library-based seance, or just need some new ideas for O-Week shenanigans, here are some University of Melbourne myths and legends that every student should know. Underground tunnels Legend has it that deep below campus, and along Royal Park, there is a series of tunnels linking the University to the Royal Melbourne Hospital. Most likely built during the height of the Cold War in the 1950s, the story goes that these tunnels were used to sneak dead bodies into the University for medical tutorials, without the students noticing. Normal stuff like that. Although this rumour has never been confirmed, Union House and the medical building do contain a few mysterious doorways that have long been boarded up. Who knows where these may lead to. The Ghost of Dame Nellie Melba Melba Hall, located on Royal Parade, is said to house the ghost of Australia’s most beloved soprano Dame Nellie Melba, who died in 1931. Witnesses claim to have heard mysterious whistling and eerie singing in the concert hall late at night, and seen her lurking backstage in the darkness. The venue’s famous namesake is also known to be a harsh critic: the ghost is said to complain about bad performers. Eels on campus? Very spooky. A little-known fact is that the University is located on the site of Townend Creek, whose waters were redirected underground when the University was being built. Connected to the Yarra, this creek was home to a myriad of underwater creatures. They still live there today and are known to become a little bit lost after swimming up pipes. More gross than creepy, there have been numerous instances of sea creatures, such as eels, being found in the concrete ponds of Redmond Barry, popping out of the water, and startling students in the process. UniMelb on screen. Not spooky, just kinda cool. Strolling along Professors’ Walk, you will pass the University’s underground carpark. Located directly under South Lawn, it is flanked by two grand statues of the Ancient Greek Titan Atlas. The car park’s heritage-listed Gothic facade has been featured in a huge number of movies and TV shows, most notably George Miller’s 1979 classic Mad Max. This isn’t the first time that the University has been featured on screen. The college Medley Hall played a part in the very iconic and influential Nick Cage film Knowing (2009), and the entire campus is the setting of the hilarious ABC series, Ronny Chieng: International Student, which aired in 2017.
Illustated by Ashlea Banon
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Your Guide to Loving UniMelb: UniMelb Love Letters Written by Jordan Di Natale
UniMelb Love Letters, aka UMLL, originated in 2016 as a small Facebook page that posted anonymous submissions from a small circle of students. Now, after many years, it has grown exponentially into a community of over 60,000! Known to the cultured student as your one-stop place for memes, romance, drama and much needed advice, UMLL is the hallmark destination for embracing the coveted UniMelb experience and forming precious university friendships. For all the ‘Jaffys’ and even current students unaware of this Facebook page and community, do not fret! We’re about to condense the intricacies of the page into a smooth highlights reel that will ensure you are no longer a UMLL newbie. And yes, all posts are anonymous! Auctions! (And no, we are not talking about houses…). Example Posts: #37852, #37778, #37374, #37176, #26383 If you are ever looking for a romantic blind date or auctioning off your best friend (or yourself ;)) then UMLL has you covered. How many people actually find friends and partners from these posts? Shockingly, more than you’d think. REQUESTING ADVICE (about anything and everything). Examples Are Far and Many: #7425, #9343 Uni is tough and love is so much tougher! Whatever guidance and support you need, UMLL has your back! Just be warned, when ranting about your BF, 80% of the comments will say to dump him. RANTS and VENTS. Few Examples: #7841, 7437 If you ever have something on your mind and you cannot scream: write about it instead! UMLL is rant and vent central! Tell the world what is annoying you the most and you can rest assured knowing that you have it off your chest! Call Out Passers-by or Cuties Around UniMelb. Examples: #5086, #10680, #21338 If there is a cutie in your tutorial class/Zoom, or you see some angel walking along Professors’ Walk, why not write them a love letter. You never know, maybe that love letter may lead to something much more ;)
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UMLL’s legacy is indisputable, as is the cultural mark left by some of its most memorable sagas. Recently, RYAN AND ANNA?? Whose Side Are You On? #36947, #37008, #37034, #37115 and more!! A chronicle that has split that UMLL community in two–one side being publicly shameful and the other side extensively overstepping their boundaries. Who is more in the wrong?? Are they both wrong?? Take a look at the onslaught of letters and comments and decide for yourself! And from 2019, the story still whispered about throughout our campus halls, FLYER BOY SAGA (article numbers #6605, #6792, #7059, just to name a few) and Christian BDSM. (#13672, #7213, #7141) Yes, you are reading this correctly. A very interesting saga spanning over three thesis-length letters, outlining a very interesting dilemma. In short, a girl writes about a boyfriend who she is not happy with. She meets an attractive flyer boy handing out ‘flyers’, which leads to her joining a Christian BDSM group, getting pregnant, and somehow much more. An intriguing story to say the least. Still don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself. THE ITALIAN STALLION OF UNIMELB LOVE LETTERS. (#12575, #16010, #10684, #27341, #12848, #11727, #13458 (my favourite)) All admins and creators have a signature name they are known by! Infamous for his exemplary wisdom in the comments section as well as for his elegance and charisma, the Italian Stallion is an icon to many UMLL followers! If you are ever at Union House, you will hear him and if you are scrolling through UMLL, you will definitely see his signature catchphrase–“this has been the Italian Stallion, signing off, once again”! Once you start indulging in the letters, you won’t want to stop! Nay, you won’t be able to stop. So what are you waiting for? Send in your UniMelb Love Letter now! This has been the Italian Stallion, signing off, once again!
Illustration by Claire Hoang
Welcome to the College Crescent Written by Lochlainn Heley
Out of all the communities that call Parkville home, the strangest and loudest groups would be the residential colleges. They are the hobbits of Parkville, with their main priorities being yummy foodstuffs, close proximity to watering holes, and the smoking of bad memes. So, if you’re a new daytime student or an on-res student wanting to make friends (& enemies) with the colleges then keep reading and I’ll give you a quick introduction! St Mary’s The labradors of the Crescent. Ask them what games they won in the past week and their answer will be, “Friendship is the real winner… but we also won footy ;)”. Their mascot is the majestic moose, and their musicals are works of artistic genius (an unbiased opinion). They enter as Hufflepuffs and leave as Gryffindors. They are best acquired as quest companions to venture around the city. Newman The “workplace mockumentary sitcom” of the Crescent. A sister college to St Mary’s, and much like The Office (the UK one–don’t @ me!), they have a generally subdued temperament with moments of humour that catch you off guard in the best way. Their mascot is the mighty Nun, and their power is airbending. Strike a chill convo after a battle with those pesky Monday morning lectures–it will do you good. Queen’s The Canadians of the Crescent. An intriguing lot, used to surviving the harsh winters of deceptively small rooms. The result is a hardy yet genuinely friendly folk that would totally headbutt you given the chance; after all, their mascot is the goat. Proceed with protective head gear and offerings of delicious warm soup. St Hilda’s The jack-in-the-box of the crescent. Chill until... BOOM! Be wary of Hilda’s students in groups. One Hildarian will be an awesome addition to your university quests. Two Hildarians and you will be immersed in a bouquet of highly specific jokes. But three or more, and you’ll find yourself at the closest tavern in the middle of a yelling match that started out innocently with Aussie Big Brother theories and will end with Babadook memes. Whitley Now better known as Sir “Not Appearing in this Film Anymore”.
Ormond The “Euphoria High had a baby with Hogwarts” of the Crescent. Akin to their bee mascot, they’re a hive of smarticle-particles to the core. Expect an enormous crowd of students dressed to the nines in the latest Melbourne haute couture. They also likely spent their orientation week studying the Iliad. Janet Clarke Hall The House of Anubis of the Crescent (if anyone doesn’t understand that reference then I am sorry for you). A tightknit community that enjoys friends & fun stories by a fire. Like their fabled wolf mascot, they’re often found exploring the little nooks and crannies of the campus where they can study or pretend to study while scrolling through socials. Offer one of your own humbling character stories and you will be companions in no time! Trinity The Einherjar of the crescent. Drawing power from their monk mascot, they have gained the ability of Mind over Matter. The result is a collective of battleready students that can push their minds, bodies, and livers to the limit. If you want to catch up with them in one of their moments of zen meditation, then go for a morning/arvo coffee in a nice garden area. International House The Navarro Cheer of the Crescent. First Years are holding out for the big rooms, and any Second Years are absolutely lording it over them. Their mascot is the lovable panda, but do not be fooled! They’re always ready to smite you down in battle: music, dance, Yu-Gi-Oh!, you name it! Be sure to hold their friendships close in the event you need to redirect their wrath at your enemies. Medley Hall The “I blitz COVID with arts & craft” of the Crescent. Their mascot is the. . . (Elf? Candy cane? Hot-dog?). . . I am not sure what it is but that is what makes them so elusive. With their cosy home just off campus, they have gained the hard-earned knowledge of hyperspeed shortcuts to Parkville & the CBD. They are a mysterious lot. You will not find a Medley student. A Medley student will find YOU! University College The ‘check out my new reno’ of the Crescent. Like their boar mascot you can find them sizing up their neighbour across the road. Need a pal that can break down any roadblock in a rush of momentum? Then you need a UC student. Their dining room has a lot of weird poles... don’t know what that’s about.
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Content Warning: Swearing; spice
News in Brief Written by Joanna Guelas
US Secretary of State Antony Blinken Visits Campus The headline says it all, kids. Secretary Blinken visited campus amidst his tour of the Asia-Pacific to talk to graduate students in the Old Quad. Never mind the Russo-Ukrainian conflict, the most important thing for Secretary Blinken on a Thursday morning was to participate in UniMelb PR. Big shout out to the UniMelb Newsroom Team for not answering Farrago’s questions about the visit—a very nuanced ‘Go Fuck Yourself’! Duncan Maskell Spotted on Campus not Once, but Twice! Not clickbait! Farrago spotted Vice-Chancellor Duncan Maskell outside his $7.1 mansion and on campus (near but unfortunately not amongst students) twice in February. Dunc was recently on leave; however, Farrago can confirm he is still looking as dishevelled and overwhelmed as ever. It really is brutal out here. New Year, New StuPol Facebook Meme Page Rest in peace Sluntz Admiring Memes for Ballot Counting Teens. There’s a new meme page in town and it’s called Gav Ryan Memes for Ballot Counting Teens. Gav has already made an enemy out of Farrago, having accused Farrago of being a new Red Flag (the SAlt publication) and openingly referring to Farrago’s Honi Soit inferiority complex. We know Honi Soit is better than us, you don’t have to say it. You try to run a magazine with only four editors. I’m at the Pronto Pizza. I’m at the Plush Fish. I’m at the combination Pronto Pizza and Plush Fish. There is a literal combination Pronto Pizza and Plush Fish. With Union House preparing for a move to the New Student Precinct (NSP), lease is up for the iconic UH food options. The entire inside cafeteria will be closed with only Ho Ho’s and combination Pronto Pizza / Plush Fish operating. You can now enjoy the Aioli Chicken Pizza with sushi. The future of food options on campus? Food trucks. You can anticipate food trucks on campus until Easter. And some extra good news: Zambrero, though closed for now, will be moving to the NSP soon. Farrago Edition 1 Launch Hear ye, hear ye, Farrago is launching the very first edition of the year, Week 1, Semester 1. It’s happening Friday 4 March, 5pm at The Ida Bar, Union House. Keep an eye on our socials for the FREE ticket registration link (very important! you can’t come if you don’t get a ticket!) and get ready to flick through a very new Farrago.
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Illustrated by Jasmine Pierce
What does your degree say about you? Written by Bayley Horne Politics and International Studies You’re only here to network, girlboss, and solve the Israel-Palestine conflict in 1,500 words or less. Everyone thinks you are insufferable as you go on about how “we solve actual issues” like you aren’t an Arts major. It’ll take about four weeks before you realise that the Monday 8am tutorial was a mistake. Medicine Do you hate yourself? Because I can’t see why you’d do it for any other reason. You can often find med students by the cold, sad looks they permanently have. Seeing one outside the library is like finding Bigfoot; take a photo before they disappear. The six-figure salary is never worth the seven years of torture. Commerce Margot Robbie’s “performance” in The Wolf of Wall Street really changed your life. Armed with nothing but your crypto wallet and a pair of RM’s, you feel ready to make some serious stonks. You’re the type to go to a bar and ask to connect on Linkedin, just don’t mention you went to Skevs. Computer Science You don’t actually make friends in compsci, you just join a support group for crippling Python addicts. Despite the fact you have seven tests this week, you still find time to go Diamond in LOL.The jeans, hoodie and sneaker combo is a great look. Never change. Anything at VCA Welcome to the riskiest decision of your life. Five per cent of you will have decent careers in your chosen field, free to express yourself in the ways only a human can, and create art all the world can engage with. The other 95 per cent better get used to waiting tables. I admire your courage though. Engineering You have the same lack of social skills and hygiene as the Computer Science majors, but you have one thing they don’t have: alcoholism. You’ll probably need it, as your entire career will be yelling at architects for designing a building that defies the laws of physics because “it looks pretty”.
Illustated by Jasmine Pierce
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Your playbook to avoid being outed as a JAFFY Written by Jordan Di Natale
The term “jaffy” coined by many knowledgeable and experienced university students as “Just Another Firetrucking* First Year” has been revolutionised as a title befitting those First Years who stick out like a sore thumb. HOWEVER, for those eager to avoid the potential bombardment of stares and judgement, here is your stepby-step playbook to avoid being outed as a JAFFY and to make the most out of your first year. DON’T GET LOST ON CAMPUS: UniMelb is infinitely larger than any high school! Be prepared to have a map handy or travel to your classes beforehand so that you are familiar with the building and where to go. You can also download the Lost On Campus app. YOUR ATAR IS ANCIENT HISTORY: Your ATAR only means something for 2 weeks. Once uni starts, no one cares about your ATAR and no one will ever ask you about your ATAR! If you mention your ATAR, you are going down a path we cannot follow! If someone asks about your ATAR, that is an immediate red flag—do not engage. PLAN FOR DUE DATES: Yes, this sounds cliché but do not leave your assignments to the last minute. Get into a good habit early. Uni assignments are a whole ‘nother ball game! With everything happening at uni, it is relatively easy to forget this important point. JOIN A CLUB: Joining a club is the best and easiest way to make friends, snag some free food, and enjoy your time at uni! You will meet a whole variety of new people that will certainly make your uni life a much better experience. And trust, there is a club for everyone, over 200+ and you check them out on UMSU’s website. BBB (BANDS, BEVS & BBQs): If you are a lover of free BBQs and drinks, then keep your Tuesday and Thursday lunches free for the illustrious BBB located at North Court outside Union House. Also, did I mention that there are incredible bands on display too? Including The Jungle Giants to BABBA, just to name a few! UNIMELB LOVE LETTERS: If you are a UniMelb student and do not know what UniMelb Love Letters is, then what are you doing?! Hilarious memes and stories are posted here! It is also a great opportunity to anonymously ask for uni-related or even romance advice! If you do, maybe the famous Italian Stallion of UniMelb Love Letters will bestow upon you some much needed wisdom! UMSU ELECTIONS: I am just going to leave this here, you will understand it when that time eagerly arrives. BEWARE OF THE TROTS AND THEIR PETITIONS: If you are walking down Professor’s Walk and you see a table with flyers, most likely they want you to sign a petition. Once you get caught in their web, you won’t be able to leave. Whatever your first year brings, make sure you enjoy yourself and have fun. Do not worry about making a mistake–we have all been in that position. Make the most of every opportunity you have and utilise this playbook to ensure that you survive your year as a JAFFY. Keep Being Superstars. *JAFFY actually means Just Another Fucking First-year.
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Illustration by Manyu Wang
The Dodgy Guide to Surviving Melbourne as an International Student Written by Janvi Sikand So, it’s finally happened. You’ve hopped off the plane at LAX, with a dream and your cardigan–wait, wrong country. More likely, you’ve trudged out the gate at MEL, with a letter of enrolment and as much luggage as the airline would allow. So how do we turn this into a party in the A.U.S.?! Excellent question, and you’ve come to just the right girl for an answer. Two years ago, I was an incredibly sheltered, freshly eighteen-year-old overseas student who arrived in Melbourne with my entire closet (and hopes and dreams) in tow, unaware that a quirky little global pandemic would flip my entire university experience on its silly little head. There’s so much that I wish I could go back and tell the old me, but alas, time travel hasn’t been invented yet; here, instead, is my hottest advice for new arrivals to the city: Wear all black. Yeah, that wardrobe I hauled across the world when I came to start my new life? Useless. Within weeks of landing here, I began to notice the popularity of the monochrome black outfit with young people in the city. Whether just a single black dress or an ensemble of black jeans, turtleneck, jacket, and boots, an allblack look screams “I’m cool, and I know it. I’ve never even heard of the words ‘chevron’ or ‘paisley’, and I’ll never have to because I’m already the epitome of inner city fashion.” Other uni survival guides may tell you that now’s the time to go crazy with your clothing choices, but let me save you some effort: just start dressing like Neo and Trinity from The Matrix right away, and you’ll never look back. Start using Facebook Marketplace. I downloaded Facebook the day before my first year started, thinking I’d never use it except for club events and class group chats on Messenger. Then one day, I accidentally clicked the little house icon on the bottom bar, and I was hooked. Facebook Marketplace shows you listings for every variety of secondhand item you can think of, from clothes to tools, and lets you sell your own items to make some cash. I’ve become a certified Marketplace Menace, a Facebook Fiend, and you can always find me bragging about my most recent steal–can you believe I just sourced an entire room of furniture for $250?! Run, don’t walk (well, scroll) to Facebook Marketplace.
Develop an opinion on every suburb. If you’re anything like me, you had no idea Melbourne is MASSIVE, let alone that there are heaps of suburbs and turf loyalties that you’re expected to have a passable knowledge of. Obviously, you’ll get to know more as you explore the city, but here’s a quick rundown for now: the northern suburbs are nearer the Parkville campus. They have a rich history of immigration, and are also where many students move into shabby-chic artsy sharehouses. Next, ensure you have a slightly esoteric comment prepared for any region that may come up in conversation. For example, if someone mentions Footscray, say, “Oh yeah, food in Footscray is super underrated! So authentic,” or perhaps nod sagely and go, “I love walking along the river, it’s so scenic.” Coming up with vague, innocuous remarks that no one can call you out on is an easy way to seem welltravelled around Victoria and hide the fact that you’ve barely left downtown in all the time you’ve lived here. But if you do like to travel… Definitely don’t learn how to fare evade on trams. Did you know that Melbourne’s public transport system is private? Like, for profit. And a single fullfare tram ride is $4.60! The fact that it’s so costly, and that they’ve created a whole wannabe-police system to enforce it, irks me to no end. First, if you haven’t already, sign up for a student Myki to get a uni concession fare, but remember to carry the little laminate card they give you with it, because officers take great pleasure in catching people on a technicality. There’s a Facebook group called “myki inspector alert space” dedicated to updating where they’re posted so you can keep an eye out! But be careful, and err on the side of caution especially if you’re new–officers are known to target international students near universities. This concludes my top fake-it-’til-you-make-it tips for brand new internatty students. Slightly unethical? Sure. Wildly successful? Of course! So worry not, besties, if I could tough it out on my own in the big city, so can you. Good luck, go get ‘em!
Illustration by Yicheng Xu
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? WTF is the ?
An Unofficial Guide Written by Madison Barr CW: misogyny, smoking/drugs The year is 2022. You’ve just arrived in Melbourne from somewhere far better and warmer. You are sitting in Seat 16, Row F, Section 33 at the Melbourne Cricket Ground (MCG) and there are men. There are men everywhere, in your section, on the grass, on the big screen. “BALL!” cries the man behind you. They’re all screaming and swearing now. You don’t know why.* Welcome to the Australian Football League (AFL), the premier league of Aussie rules football. What is Aussie rules football, you may ask? Well firstly, never call it Aussie rules unless you’re a clueless dad who was roped into helping out at Auskick. Secondly, “footy” is a contact sport, so expect to see a lot of sweaty men pushing, shoving, and wrestling each other onto the ground. A goal (six points) is scored when the ball is kicked through the middle poles, while a behind (one point) is granted to the plebs who just missed the middle. No matter how many points your team loses by, it is always the umpire’s fault. A mark is when the ball is caught from a kick greater than 15 metres, while a “speccy” is a spectacular mark that involves a player literally jumping onto their opposition’s back. Now for appropriate supporter attire: if you find yourself at a live match, never be seen without a Four’N Twenty pie and overpriced mid-strength beer. There are also two major dress codes that signify your social status and overall likeability: the larrikin will typically don some form of obnoxious headwear along with poorly applied face paint; alternatively, a black trench coat paired with a low-key themed scarf are worn by semiwealthy douches who swear their AFL career would have taken off if they didn’t pull their hamstring in under15s. If neither aesthetic takes your fancy, a timeless Kathmandu puffer will do just fine. AFL, however, would quite honestly suck without the joy of judging someone entirely based on the team they support. Your team will be treated like your astrology sign: you’ll be perceived as reckless and high-tempered if you support Richmond, or an unfortunate dreamer if North Melbourne has your heart. The same goes for favourite players—that middle aged mum who smokes menthols definitely has the hots for Dustin Martin. For some super hilarious banter, go tell your Collingwood mate to get his teeth fixed. Finally, if you want to be a true AFL fan, remember to ignore the AFLW. Females can’t kick the pigskin more than 10 metres, and they don’t have enough testosterone to fully understand the complexities of this great game anyway. Now stop reading and get back to watching the game! You just missed Toby Greene punch the umpire!
*If a player gets tackled and doesn’t get rid of the ball, the other team gets a free kick. This is always a bit difficult to decide, so just scream “BALL!” when everyone else does.
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Least to Most Problematic Unimelb Alumni Written by Joel Duggan
5. Ronny Chieng
Ronny graduated from Melbourne in 2009—his sole crime being graduating as a commerce student. He has since gone on to feature the University heavily in his series Ronny Chieng: International Student, perhaps the only thing to be filmed on campus that people cared about since Mad Max. Ronny remains an unproblematic king to this day.
4. Angela White
For unknowable reasons, the University did not opt to include Angela in their own list of notable alumni, despite her graduating in 2010 with a H1 in Gender Studies. Yet, a H1 barely scratches the surface of Angela’s long list of honours she has received for her career in the adult film industry. Truly, a woman of many talents.
3. Harold Holt
Not much to be said about Harold—he was taken by a communist submarine before he could do anything too problematic.
2. Peter Singer
The patron saint for all obnoxious philosophy students and annoying vegans, Peter is one of the foundational thinkers of the contemporary animal liberation movement and the effective altruist movement. He earned his Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees at Melbourne in 1967 and 1969 respectively and has since gone on to become one of the world’s most famous philosophers, which for some strange reason involves offering a moral defence of bestiality on Australian national television.
1. Germaine Greer
Germaine could have rested on her laurels after a long career of writing on important topics such as the abject horror of wearing knickers and the fascism of Celebrity Big Brother. Instead, she was inexplicably compelled to out herself as a TERF and to repeatedly double down on it—guess it’s to be expected from someone who pissed off to England after graduating.
HONOURABLE MENTION: Julian Assange
Julian did not actually get around to finishing his degree at Melbourne, ending it early in 2006, so perhaps his status as a proper alumnus is up for debate. Regardless of this, he serves as a shining example for all Melbourne students who want to become enemies of the United States government.
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George Paton Gallery: a revolution was born Written by Vanessa Chan
Artwork. Feminism. Creativity. Opportunities. These four features meet at the George Paton Gallery (formerly known as the Ewing and George Paton Gallery) on Level 2 of Union House. Named after former University of Melbourne Vice-Chancellor Sir George Whitecross Paton, the Gallery has attracted thousands of artists who have exhibited their work in various forms, including but not limited to paintings, sculptures, videos, films, photographs, music, performance, installations, and mixed media since opening in 1975. The first director Kiffy Rubbo turned the Gallery into a home of first-time exhibitors and women artists, brought their creations under the spotlight, and increased the proportion of exclusive women artist exhibitions. The word pioneer is inseparable from Rubbo, who later established the Women’s Art Register with Meredith Rogers and artists Lesley Dumbrell and Erica McGilchrist. The historic living archive located at the Richmond Library has recorded over 5,000 artworks, and biographic information of women artists. However, due to reduced funding, the Gallery was under threat of closure in the early 1980s. Fortunately, funds from the Australia Council and the Victorian Ministry for the Arts saved the Gallery. Meanwhile, postmodernist artwork also challenged the Gallery’s role as a space of experimental art. Although the Gallery resisted embracing the change like mainstream galleries, it still witnessed the return of conventional forms of art such as painting in its programs.
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The Gallery refocused into a student-oriented art space in 1994. Nearly 50 years have passed since its opening, and the Gallery has never forgotten about its responsibilities in art education. For the Gallery, art appreciation and creation should belong to everyone regardless of age, status, race and gender. Every year the Gallery holds lectures, seminars, and creative workshops to connect student artists and curators sharing similar interests. COVID-19 has forced all components to run online, but the virtual Gallery continues to welcome students to visit anytime and anywhere, letting art become more accessible than before. For SummerFest, the Gallery will coordinate with local artist Minna Gilligan to introduce abstract drawing techniques on 23 February on Zoom. The event is free to all UniMelb students. The Gallery will also reopen on 23 February for its first exhibition in 2022–Documenting Space. In late February, the Mentorship program, from which students can gain ideas about a project, practise art skills and receive professional feedback, will open for expressions of interest. For more information about workshops and programs, follow George Paton Gallery on Facebook or @georgepatongallery on Instagram.
Death to Union House Written by Joanna Guelas
You either die a hero or you live to see yourself become the villain.
the Ida Bar is and how it deserves a place at the New Student Precinct.
Basement. Just toilets now, and a food court that no longer operates. Rumour has it that ghosts live there. Can’t tell you anything else other than I hate using the elevators down there. Just doesn’t sit right with me, it’s almost like the start of a horror movie.
Level 2. Here you’ll find the George Paton Gallery, which will be only for one (1) Semester only until she gets moved to the New Student Precinct; UMSU International and the International Students’ Longue; the Joe Napolitano and Mary Cooke Rooms (I don’t know who these people are); and Union Hall via the mezzanine. If you’re lucky enough to go through Union Hall and the older parts of Union House, look for a little message under a table that I wrote.
Ground. The Ground Floor is a shell of what it used to be. There’s no more microwaves and no more Subway. You won’t be buying food from her anymore, but word is that we’ll still be able to use the former cafeteria for sitting and even… eating. Just not from any of the shops there.
Rest in Peace the original Rowden White Library; she’s gone and moved to the NSP already.
You’ll also find the Union Theatre, just across from the Operations Office. Be warned: should you enter a conversation with Alex from Operations, you will find that it will last an hour as he goes on about soccer (“the world’s greatest religion”) and the motherland (“Serbia”).
Level 3. You’ll find the coolest bitches in the building on Level 3: Isaac* and Xain from AVMelbourne. Should you need production or streaming help and equipment, they’re your boys to go to. You might spot them at The Clyde too.
If you’re lost, Info Desk, manned by resident girlboss Carolyn, is also your best friend. The Clubs & Societies Office is also on this floor, along with the V-Hive (for Volunteering).
There are Islamic Prayer Spaces on Level 3, along with the Disabilities Space and the Training Rooms. Human Resources also lives on this floor, next to the Arts Lab and Arts & Cultural Divisional Office. Should you need a good background for a photo, the Arts Lab has your back.
Level 1. All things UMSU Student Reps related. Most of the Student Reps’ offices are located on this floor, so take from that what you will. You’ll have to walk down the corridor from the main offices, however, to find the offices for Environment and Creative Arts. You can also find the Union House Theatre (UHT) department here, and the Guild Theatre, a black box theatre belonging to UHT. The best thing about Level 1? The Ida Bar. Great prices, great jaffles, and great people. Have you really spent a day on campus if you’re not daydrinking* at the Ida? Should you walk past any Chancellery staff, make sure to mention how great
Level 4. Mayhaps the best floor in Union House. You’ll find: - The Media Office: Farrago and Radio Fodder (nthe best office in UMSU) - Legal & Advocacy Department (comes with absolute boss Phoebe Churches) - Communications, Marketing & Events (love you Dee) *Drink safe kids. **Isaac’s personal office is actually in the basement. Two work spaces? In this economy?
Photography by Ailish Hallinan
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Farrago’s Definitive Guide to Campus Cafés Written by Nishtha Banavalikar
There are few things that unite students across campuses and faculties better than caffeine. Be prepared to be scrutinised for your order: it’s simply a Melbourne rite of passage, with the city’s identity so deeply entrenched in coffee culture. Australia and coffee have become somewhat synonymous worldwide, with “Australian” coffee chains (think ‘Di Bella’ from India, or ‘Fineprint’ from Hong Kong) popping up all over the world, even forcing Starbucks to adopt the flat white in recent years. Naturally, as a student of UniMelb, you are inheriting this caffeinedrenched legacy, and what better place to start than right here on our campus. Our campus has a surplus of cafés, throughout its buildings and hidden in little pockets. The status of many of these has changed since 2019, with notable favourites the Brew Sisters (a moment of silence for my triple shot flat white for $3.50 </3) and Animal Orchestra leaving. Consequently, I had to embark on a little research to find which cafés remained open and which newcomers had joined the scene. To get an idea of what the wider student community thought, we shared a preliminary poll across our socials to our contributors. The results were… varied (I’m looking at you voter who gave 7/11 a 10/10), but as students, we are nothing if not inconsistent. We polled 18 cafés, averaged out the votes, and visited the top five. Firstly, the eliminated.
Axil Coffee Roasters Located in the corner of the western Biosciences building on the Tin Alley pathway, Axil is a name you’ll see quite frequently around Melbourne. Their coffee is great, although somewhat inconsistent across locations and baristas. Our community shared similar beliefs, with votes at extremes of 4/10 and 10/10, resulting in a solid 7.2/10. Baretto Espresso Bar You can find Baretto on the ground floor of the Alan Gilbert Building. There’s a lovely assortment of pastries and some large tables that make it great for stress, inducing group project discussion. In terms of coffee, however, it averages at 4.8/10, with one voter adding, “Baretto is so bad I want to score it in the negatives, it’s off the scale terrible.” Oh my! Books n Bites It’s a quaint, easy-to-miss little café located near the Haymarket entrance to The Spot on Pelham Street. It’s been around for years as a consistent source for quick bites and a cosy interior to study in. 5.2/10. Café Commercio You’ll become intimately familiar with this one if you’re a BCom student. Located on the ground floor of The Spot, Café Commercio covers a wide range of café food and drinks. If you only have five minutes between tutes, they’re your guy for a quick caffeine boost. If you have longer, then make good choices and walk a little further. Our community has rated this a 4.5/10. Carte Crêpes Perfect for a light coffee drink and a variety of sweet crêpes. In previous years, they’ve offered free crêpes to students who’ve completed exams (it truly does make the pain of barely passing go away, if just for a blissful moment). Located just to the left of our campus’ main “Welcome” entrance, Carte Crêpes is known for its beautiful outdoor seating, with many of our voters calling it their “comfort place”. 7/10. Commuter Coffee A newcomer on the block, Commuter Coffee is located just opposite the Earth Sciences, Geology and Meteorology wings on campus. Our voters have given it a 6.7/10, but wider reviews on the café’s socials are incredibly positive. Definitely one to keep your eye on.
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Dr Dax Kitchen
Large restaurant café located in The Dax Centre and overlooking Royal Parade. It has a large variety of food options alongside your standard café beverages. The feeling is a little corporate if you ask me, but it’s a good one to bring your family to during O-Week. 6.3/10. Haymarket Place Café Literally impossible to find unless you’ve been here before. It’s… somewhere off of Haymarket Walk. At the time of writing, none of the editors have ever visited this elusive café, but voters have given it a 5.9/10. Ho Ho’s Canteen Located on the G/F of Union House, Ho Ho’s has the benefit of location and… that’s primarily it. There’s charming outdoor seating which is near unusable during lunch hours (and stupol season) but overall, it’s charming, somewhat cosy and the staff are friendly. Coffee is decent as reviewers agree, rating it a 5.9/10. Scholar & Co Another newcomer to the scene, this café is located at Stop 1 on Grattan Street. At the moment, reviews for this are varied and few, ranging from 3/10 to 10/10, but they are likely to step up with the New Student Precinct (NSP) opening. There’s no doubt that Scholar & Co have had the biggest shoes to fill (another moment to mourn the loss of Brew Sisters), but we’ll be keeping an eye out to see how they do. 5.3/10. Professors’ Walk Found at the G/F entrance to the Baillieu Library, this café has the benefit of prime real estate. Walk too close to the windows and you will see drearyeyed students collapsed over their laptops, a single croissant hanging from their lips. At Farrago, we think it’s fairly run-of-the-mill, but the community rates it a 5.5/10 with one commenter going as far as to say, “It’ll make you wish you never began drinking coffee.” Yikes. The Potter Espresso Bar To anyone unfamiliar with the Material Sciences side of campus, this café is near impossible to find. Just off of the alley by the Physics South Building and a little bit beyond Castro’s Kiosk lies The Potter, a small, easyto-miss shop front with a charming outdoor setting built just under a grassy ledge. It’s quiet and secluded, but it can be impossible to get a seat at peak times. 6.1/10. 7/11 It’s a dollar. 4.7/10.
To investigate further, we visited the five top-rated cafés personally. At each location, I ordered a flat white, full milk, regular size, and no sugar. Now, these ratings are personal—they solely reflect the views of one grumpy coffee addict.
5. home.two
home.two is an NFP working towards eliminating youth homelessness. A beautiful café with a heartwarming ethos, home.two has been a part of our campus for a couple years now, moving to their new location on Tin Alley, right next to the Swimming Club. They’ve been known for their jaffles and assortment of teas; however, for the time being, they are only serving drinks. In my opinion, the coffee was a little weak in flavour. 7.5/10.
4. House of Cards
The community adores HOC, having been graced by its presence on our paved avenues for the past 7 or 8 years. This is for good reason, too: House of Cards has a lovely variety of pastries and a great location. Order from their extremely friendly staff to receive a playing card which you drop into a box labelled with the charity of your choice. HOC frequently comes into a final showdown scenario with Castro’s, having just been beaten out by its rival in the last coffee showdown by UMLL in 2019. 7.8/10.
3. Castro’s Kiosk
This is definitely a controversial placement. Castro’s has been a long-time favourite of Farrago writers (you can see it mentioned in articles from as far back as 2007!) and the wider student body, having won UMLL’s 2019 poll. You’ll often find groups of student politicians loitering around the outdoor tables, but do not fear: we are all equals at the kiosk. Castro’s is also known to make a mean cup of hot chocolate. 8/10.
2. Standing Room
Previously both at Union House and MSD (now only located at MSD), Standing Room makes one of the best cups of coffee on campus, hands down. They’re consistent across all of their locations around Melbourne, and in such a great location with a lovely shop front aesthetic. The staff are really friendly and they’re planning on bringing food back to their menus as campus activity resumes. 8.5/10.
1. Seven Seeds
By far, consistently the best coffee in terms of flavour. It’s further out from the main part of campus (not too far from the NSP though), but very conveniently located near the Commerce buildings. Trust me BCom jaffys—you’ll need a solid caffeine source by midsem season. Every other Seven-Seeds-associated shop in Melbourne also never misses. Their menu features your basic Melb brunch staples for… prices… that are less basic, but the coffee pricing is fairly standard and they have a wide array of blends and varieties if you’re feeling adventurous. 9/10.
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Campus Toilets Guide Written by Britney Bichh
Love them or hate them, you have to agree that toilets are the most important aspect of our university experience. As a self-proclaimed toilet queen myself, I believe that I am the toilet expert and will review the best and the worst of UniMelb, so you don’t have to. Borrowing from an extensive toilet video-review that I did back in 2019, there are three holy criteria these toilets must meet. The first is “aesthetic”, the second is “cleanliness” and the last one is “smell”.
Arts West
Aesthetic: 9/10. Featuring clean, white tiled walls straight out of Pinterest, huge mirrors and amazing lighting, the toilet is perfect for selfies. “Kmart Kardashian Vibes” Cleanliness: 3/10. Because of its well-known aesthetic, a lot of people come here to do serious business. People don’t flush the toilet and there is a lot of toilet paper lying around. Smell: 4/10. There is no kind way to phrase it: the toilet is dirty and it shows… or, smells?
Union House Ground Floor
Aesthetic: 3/10. I love pink but something is wrong with this shade of pink. It is just tacky. The lighting down there is horrible, you (horrifyingly) can’t even see what you’re doing. Cleanliness: 3/10. Being in Union House, it is super popular, making it difficult to keep it clean. Some people actually don’t know how to flush the toilet. Seriously, if you are smart enough to get into university and are paying 10k per year, you should know common toilet etiquette. Smell: 0/10. It smells disgusting down here; it doesn’t smell like a normal toilet. Bonus Point: Worth a trip if you like cockroaches and mice.
Upstairs Baillieu Library
Aesthetic: 3/10. It reminds me of an old house’s healthcode-violating kitchen and that’s not a good vibe. Cleanliness: 7/10. Not that many people know about this toilet so it’s usually pretty clean. Academic nerds seem to actually know how to flush the toilet. Smell: 5/10. Smells like a normal clean toilet. Could use some air freshener to cancel out that lingering scent of depression. Bonus Point: if you actually want to read about Marxism, check out the spicy contents written on the wall. 10 out of 10
MSD Lower Ground
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Aesthetic: 4/10. Basic. Nothing special about it. Minus 2 points because the toilet water here is discoloured. (I have no idea how recycling works)
Cleanliness: 5/10. Everything about this toilet is basic. Smell: 4/10. Let’s just agree that all the toilets at the University smell bad. Bonus Point: If you feel adventurous and have good working knees, there is a squat toilet available for your desire. Apparently, it is better for your bowels.
The Spot
Disclaimer: Despite my amazing personality, I am a commerce student and a slave to capitalism. Aesthetic: 1/10. It’s as dark as a nightclub (yet the toilets at Lucky Coq are nicer, that’s how bad this is). There are always lots of posters about participating in live surveys, and an equal number of posters threatening to fine people for putting up posters. Cleanliness: 4/10. There are always lots of toilet paper scraps lying around though. Smell: 2/10. It smells awful; it is deathly here. Bonus Point: Usually dark and quiet if you’re looking for a space to cry after failing your Derivatives or QM1 exam.
Level 10 Redmond Barry
Aesthetic: 1/10. It is big and spacious but the floor and wall are not cutting it. How to describe the aesthetics of this toilet? OLD, PLAIN AND BORING. Cleanliness: 7/10. Not that many people know about this toilet so it’s always clean and has a good breeze flowing in through the windows. Smell: 6/10. Can use air freshener but the fresh air really helps with the smell. Bonus Point: It’s a perfect spot for watching attractive people running around at the University Oval.
Old Arts Toilet
Aesthetic: 3/10. Unless you’re really into plain and white. It has lots of cubicles but also a weird, confusing layout... Cleanliness: 4/10. Recurring toilet paper scraps. Smell: 5/10. The University seriously needs to invest money in air fresheners. Bonus Point: Return of Marxism. There are posters everywhere.
Peter Hall
Aesthetic: 4/10. I do appreciate well-lit toilets. The aesthetic, on the other hand, is as fun as your average maths student. Cleanliness: 8/10. The toilet queen is impressed. It’s always clean here. Perhaps there is a correlation between good toilet etiquette and one’s maths skills. Smell: 5/10. Smells like maths nerds.
UniMelb Libraries Guide
Written by Breana Galea Our libraries are a crucial part of the UniMelb campuses actually studying to guilt-trip you into studying yourself. (second only to wherever the caffeine is) and they Brownless also has a basement which is practically dead deserve their own spotlight! During the too-short silent-a great place to be alone with your thoughts or amount of time I’ve had on-campus (started 2020, it’s your hours of piled up pre-recorded lectures. a hard life), I’ve spent a great deal of it at our libraries. As a student and a library assistant, I’m hoping this little guide can help give newcomers and oldcomers a taste of ABP Library (Architecture, Building campus life in our bookworm oases. As a side note, given and Planning) the ever-changing situation of our current times, not all Otherwise known as “that one nice library in the MSD libraries (or all their services) may be open at certain (Melbourne School of Design)”, the ABP is a little more times. Please take this into consideration when planning modern aesthetics-wise. There are two levels, with a your ultimate study/procrastination spot for the day! hidden room on the first floor for UniMelb students to hide behind a glass door away from everyone. I really like atmosphere here, the top level especially just seems Baillieu Library (aka Ballalu, Baillu or the really light and inviting. It also has a LOT of power points any variation thereof) (an essential student commodity), but you have to sit in The mispronunciation of the Baillieu’s name is a bit of a just the right spot for your cord to reach them without running joke among students, but it’s the most popular having to bend behind or across someone else. library on campus. It has several levels, all connected by a spiral staircase (or elevators). The general rule is the ground level is the ‘noisiest’–for group project discussion Law Library (a dream to some, a and such–and the noise lessens the further up you go. nightmare to others) Student IT is also very good at teaching you how libraries Despite never having been here (or at least not (i.e. borrowing textbooks last-minute) work. They have knowingly), I’ve generally heard good things about the a lot of experience. The library also provides an After Law Library. Since it’s more separated from the rest of Hours Study Zone so all you night owls can finally get the campus, it tends to be a bit quieter. From hearsay, some work done! Just know most of the library’s services, some spots are also a bit darker than in other libraries, including borrowing books, close after hours. which may be helpful for those who prefer low-light
ERC (Eastern Resource Centre, but everyone forgets what the acronym stands for)
Recently reopened, the ERC has been totally revamped into a study/chill paradise for students. The spaces are genuinely beautiful (gotta love those 80’s-vibe carpet patterns) with plenty of natural light and, the views are amazing. Since it is meant to be part of the New Student Precinct, you can expect to see new food or coffee (or tea/hot chocs/beverage) spots open up nearby. It has bookable project rooms, like many of the on-campus libraries, and one soundproof room for recording (equipment is BYO though). There are all-gender and accessible toilets throughout the building and the uni has also brought in what are called “chill-out pods”. They’re pretty much empty, with low lighting and little to no sound. Overall, I feel like this library has come a long way from where it was–I’m looking forward to coming more often.
Brownless Biomedical Library (sounds fancy, but is actually really cosy)
One of my favourites, Brownless, is actually located pretty close to the Baillieu Library. Tucked into a corner of green, it’s smaller than the Baillieu, but this ups its cosiness factor! It has the standard bookable project rooms and the High Use book area (aka the science textbooks. Take note BSc undergrads). At the top of the spiral staircase you can also find the Medical History Museum with a lot of cool, though somewhat ominous models of medical instruments. The med students seem to flock here, probably because all their textbooks are nearby, so you may be surrounded by enough people
settings. I only say it could be a nightmare because I can only imagine the palpable stress of poor law students near exam time.
Everywhere Else (there’s more to explore!)
Although the libraries are prime spaces for attempting to study (you feel productive just being surrounded by people who look like they’re studying but are actually watching K-dramas), there are tons of nooks and crannies around campus. Sometimes there are open tutoring or lecture rooms which–if they’re not locked or clearly booked–are often open for students to study in. You can also chill outside on the South Lawn, Systems Garden or just about anywhere the wi-fi reaches. I must admit, I’ve sometimes been jealous of classmates sitting outside on-campus on a sunny day during a Zoom tute. This list has been made based on my own experiences and those I’ve heard of from other students. There are still UniMelb libraries left for me to explore and so I’ve listed as many others as I could think of here (which I also googled). I consider visiting and possibly studying/ procrastinating at every library at least once a personal challenge–join me! Don’t throw away your shot! - Giblin Eunson Library (FBE building-full of study spots and a graduate space that get real full real fast) - Southbank Library - Burnley Library - Cresswick Library - Dookie Library - J. A. Gilruth Library (Werribee)
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The Clyde and Other Haunts: The Editors’ (Very Subjective) Guide to Uni Bars Written by Joanna Guelas and Charlotte Waters
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Illustration by Evan Goulios
We editors spend a lot of time on campus. And some of us are old enough to have enjoyed a couple years of full-time on-campus study, way back in the day. So, it goes without saying that we’ve done our fair share of pub crawls, uni parties, spontaneous Thursday night bar-hopping, and cheeky day drinking breaks between classes. The Clyde Hotel My love affair with The Clyde Hotel begins on a Friday afternoon in the first week of March after a Farrago launch. I’d heard of her in whispers and seen her in photos but no one had invited me for a drink at The Clyde until then. What happened when I walked from the front sports bar to the back and eventually to the beer garden? The same thing that happens to every student: I fell in love. The Clyde Hotel is a staple in life at UniMelb. A quick read of its walls will tell you this. There’s this line that Harry Styles of One Direction fame sings in ‘Story of My Life’: “Written in these walls are the stories that I can’t explain”. And if pubs could identify with 1D lines, then The Clyde would be just that. The front sports bar is covered in photos of the University Blacks. In the back bar, you’ll see records for the UniMelb Baseball Team. Beyond the University, The Clyde Hotel is an iconic pub for sports in general. Back when football was just a sport people played out in a field, Carlton held meetings there, along with the Carlton Cricket Club and other clubs. I don’t know what it is about her: the weird wall decor; the tall sunflower vase on top of the piano that I want to steal; the parmas; the good prices; the old people in the front and the students at the back; the fact that they pay their staff right; or the fact that I’ve never munted at The Clyde. There’s a long history of people and clubs falling in love with The Clyde. I can’t describe why or how, but when you walk in there on the old carpet and order your first pint, you’ll know. I like to think she’s special like that. You won’t find her anywhere else. There’s also a resident pub cat at The Clyde, but you can find out about her yourself. You can find The Clyde Hotel on the corner of Elgin Street and Cardigan Street, next to the McCoy Building. If you’re coming from campus, you can go through David Caro over the bridge to get to her. Hot tip for ordering food at The Clyde: while parmas are great value, it costs $1.50 if you want to order extra sauce. Not very hot girl of The Clyde, but I’ll let it pass. Prince Alfred Rooftop & Bar If you’re keen to party a little harder, or meet with friends in a chilled-out rooftop setting, check out the Prince Alfred Hotel—or, as it’s affectionately known to Melbourne Uni students, PA’s. Nestled on the corner of Grattan and Bouverie streets, it’s fit
for all purposes—watch it transform, chameleonlike, from a corner café, to a convenient spot for laid-back afternoon drinks with your work or tute mates, to a rowdy party house for ~college kids~. That’s right—if student politicians are magnetically attracted to the Clyde, then PA’s hosts the college crowd. But if you go hunting for them on a Friday or Saturday night, don’t be alarmed if everything is eerily quiet. Wednesday is PA’s’ Uni Night, when the drinks are cheaper and the energy is higher. Top tip, though: get in early, as the line snakes a little too far down Bouverie Street for when you’ve pre’d too hard and really need to, uh, break the seal. PA’s’ location is *chef’s kiss*. Not because it’s a couple minutes from the Swanston St tram stop and Stop 1, and lurking right outside the main campus entrance, but because it’s only a few shops away from the famed KFC on the corner of Grattan and Swanston Streets. If you find the line’s a little too long, you can literally just grab some popcorn chicken to munch on while you wait. And, when you’re stumbling out at 2am and would kill for literally anything greasy, it feels like a mirage on the horizon. Downstairs, PA’s feels like a spacious pub, but wander upstairs to find a beautifully furnished rooftop bar, which transforms seamlessly into a dancefloor after the sun goes down. If you’re here for ~white people music~ and classic bangers, you’ll feel right at home! Speaking of a good time–PA’s is hosting their annual O-Week party on 23 Feb. Disclaimer: this was a go-to haunt of the author in pre-COVID times, but she regrets to inform you that it has Been a Hot Minute since she’s been here on the regular. Some of this information may be outdated. Ida Bar The Ida’s a little different from the other two, in that it’s actually located on campus, and run by the University of Melbourne Student Union (UMSU). Taking up much of Level 1, Union House, it’s suuuuper spacious, with a big balcony overlooking North Court (which may or may not currently be a COVID testing site, but we don’t speak about that). It’s great for functions–we Editors traditionally hold all our Farrago launch parties here! Had back-to-back classes all morning, or been cooped up studying in the Baillieu for too many hours? It’s totally socially acceptable to rock up to the Ida for a lunchtime drink and/or jaffle. The Ida is famous for its jaffles and cheap drinks. While the other two bars may have largely been taken over by students, the Ida is designed for students. It’s safe and accessible, and has good vibes, and, most importantly, a pool table. The guy who manages it may be called Kyle, but don’t be fooled– Jo has described him as “mysterious”. He does a wonderful job, and is great to chat to.
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UMSU and the Media Office are located in the city of Melbourne, on the land of the Wurundjeri people of the Kulin Nation. We pay our respects to their elders—past, present and emerging—and acknowledge that the land we are on was stolen and sovereignty was never ceded.