Shirley Martin: Who Do You Think You Are?

Who Do You Think You Are?

Shirley Martin

The night before my first book launch, I tossed and turned, unable to sleep. My inner critic, in full-blown attack mode, taunted: Who do you think you are, writing a book?

Or buy your book? Who do you think you are!?!

Well, that first launch was a success. Around seventy people showed up and applauded my presentation, and sales were brisk. The launch a fait accompli—I worked to get the book out there. Bookstores and shops were happy to sell my books.

Except for one. One bookstore owner adamantly declined, adding that if he accepted my books, he would have to give them away. He didn’t actually voice the word “pathetic,” but the implication hovered in the air. That book has now sold several thousand copies, and received many positive reviews and comments. Why then does his implied label stay with me?

Writing is one thing. Putting it out into the world is another. The writing entails huge blocks of time, and (cliché alert) blood, sweat, and tears. The act of publishing is a sharing of oneself, an act of vulnerability. It is a leap of faith. Once the work is out there, there is no going back. Response then colours how we perceive our chosen path.

When I started marketing my first book, a big-box bookstore employee asked me for my website.

“Ummm…website?” I stammered. She explained that if I wanted to be taken seriously, if I wanted to sell books, I would need an author website. Well, of course I wanted to sell my books! Of course I wanted to be taken seriously!

Coached by a computer techy, I set up my website. The dilemma arose when I had to choose a domain name. “You’re an author,” said a friend. “Just call it shirleymartinauthor.” Am I, though? I thought. AM I an author?

It turned out that shirleymartinauthor belonged to a prolific romance author from south of the border. “So, call it shirleymartinwriter,” said my friend. My inner critic stoked the bonfire of self-doubt. Did I dare put it out there, present myself as a writer? The naysayer won. I settled on shirleymartinwrites, because, well, that’s what I do.

Now, four books later, I still struggle with the insecurity that goes hand-in-hand with my chosen passion. The books are selling. I get positive responses. Does this make me a bona fide writer?

Occasionally someone will ask how my “hobby” is going, “you know, the writing thing,” and my inner core bristles. My writing is more than a hobby, more than a pastime. It is…dare I say it…a vocation. And a challenging one, at that.

Thus far my books have all been self-published, a mode which once had a bad rap but is now more widely accepted. Still, I seek the validation that comes with being traditionally published. In that realm, I have published a handful of magazine and newspaper articles. The acceptance of those pieces was thrilling. I strive for more.

Pursuing publication has gifted me with a stack of rejection letters buried in my den. It’s time to shine light on them, to display those letters with pride… maybe I can acquire more, enough to wallpaper a small room.

Those letters do not say I failed; they say I tried. They urge me to try harder.

It takes courage to put ourselves out there, to open ourselves to criticism or to indifference. Why do we keep doing it?

I write because I have stories inside me. These stories want to be told. And there is nothing so gratifying as having your work read by someone who appreciates it, who gets it. To hear a child (or an adult) say, “I liked that story. I want to read the next one,” is all the motivation I need. I write, therefore I am…a writer.