FEIST Magazine #2 by FEIST Magazine

â&#x20AC;&#x153;The connections between and among women are the most feared, the most problematic, and the most potentially transforming force on the planet.â&#x20AC;? - Adrienne Rich

09 20 31 Dette Armada Teresa Barrozo Mylene Hazel de Guzman Ann Sayson

INTERVIEWS

Why Pride - Fritzie Rodriguez Out and Proud - AC Martin Films and Reads - Eri Durr

FEATURES

Queer Query - Libay Linsangan Cantor Sison for FEIST - Shakira Sison Tips ni Tibs

IN EVERY ISSUE

FEIST MAGAZINE ISSUE NO. 2

The Wedding by AC Martin A Toast to Sour Mash Lips by ChaCherryRed Love You Loud by Jamie Delos Reyes Of Memories and Reasons by M. Wu Confession by Eby Kangleon Those Even Thoughts by ChaCherryRed

FICTION

100 LOVE LETTERS

PRESS:

Out by AC Martin Coming Out Story by Maie Lee Acceptance Is The First Step by Kelly Morrison Etched Until Tomorrow by Paris

COMING OUT STORIES

49 58 63

editor’s note What comes after the reveal? What’s there to do now that you’ve ripped yourself out in the open – breaking boxes and shattering stereotypes? June is International Pride Month, a time where members of the LGBTQ community go out into the streets and join annual marches that honor, support, and make a stand for the LGBTQ life. And as the month comes to an end, what’s next? Do we stop celebrating? Do we stop fighting? Do we shove all those hard-hitting articles and TV Pride specials back into the closet until the next Pride month comes along? Do we waver in our demand for acceptance – for the freedom to love? The second serving of FEIST aims to provide a rather haphazard glimpse into the feisty world of lesbian Pinays – dating, careers, falling in love, friendships, music, pride. We call on the wonderful and brave lezzie souls to continue the search for the possibilities, stories, moments, and everything else in between. Come explore with us. In and through, dear.

Love,

the feist team

THE FEIST TEAM

Loreen Ordo単o Editor-in-chief

Tintin Lontoc Creative Director

Eby Kangleon Managing Editor

AC Martin

Leiloa Lavea Erka Inciong

Content Editor

Layout Artists

M. Wu Kacy Samaniego

fritzie rodriguez A. Cari単o Ashley A. Eri D端rr Jonette Valenciano

Editorial Assistants

Shakira Sison Libay Linsangan Cantor Nariese Giangan Columnists

Staff Writers

Kat Sanchez Tin Reyes jamie kate adoc Photographers

cha roque jaime delos reyes jm hipolito contributors

in every issue

Sexuality exploration: Sapi ni Sappho or sapphic sawsaw ? Ever since we are small, we are all conditioned to just fit one norm or follow one convention. If you were born with female genitalia, then they will automatically assign you the gender identity of “girl” without batting an eyelash, as if that identity will be stapled to you until the day you die. For those of us who don’t have a problem following gendered conventions, this is fine. But for those of us who want to explore identities outside of those norms, then this might be a problem. Sawsaw suka mahuli taya! Often, those of us who started living life on the heterosexual side of the margins find it quite “confusing” when we discover that we want to defy the norms. When you are a girl, you are automatically assigned to have a crush and fall in love with a boy. Because that’s the rule of the world, they say. But what if your inner world resists that? Then you start questioning, you start exploring, until you find yourself crossing from one side of that line towards the other side – the happier side. Cole Porter made a song about this: Ex-per-i-ment! Indeed, most of us who try to explore what’s on the other side of the fence get all nervous, excited, giddy, and curious of what the other side could entail. So we seek out people like us, people who are probably like us, for sometimes it’s hard to just assume unless we ask. And when we finally find our tropa, we feel a huge sense of belonging, as we could now finally be who we really are, with like-minded company. But sometimes, questions still arise, as the outside world assesses whether we “became” one because of our environment or if we truly have that button inside which got activated. Nakikisali ka lang naman diyan. As if this was indeed a game we like to just play. Yes, seriously, some people say that. Sadly, some people actually do that.

Queer Query

by Libay Linsangan Cantor

And this is where the old and tired debate of nurture vs. nature comes in: people who don’t know better would automatically assume that just because you hang out with a lot of lesbians, you become one yourself. As if being a lesbian is a communicable disease you can catch when someone sneezes your way. Some would argue that it’s in their genes, that they were born this way or that way or whatever way, so there’s no changing things that run through their veins. Tomboy ka lang, di ka lesbiyana! Far too often, straight people will argue with you that you are not a real lesbian and you might only be tomboyish in looks/appearance or actions. That you don’t really fall for girls, but you just have small girl crushes. That you are perhaps bisexual because you’re too beautiful or too feminine to be a lesbian or a tomboy. That you’re just a bit boyish but really now, you still want to end up with boys, right? Wrong! Sometimes they’re wrong. More often, they’re wrong. But it’s only the feminine ones who get this third degree. The butchy-looking of our lot are spared this grilling, yet sometimes people avoid us because they have misconceptions of us. Di ba ang mga tomboy masyadong possessive? Nambubugbog ng girlfriend? Nang-aagaw ng asawa ng may asawa? As if those things are stapled to lesbian beings alone. What about misogynists and macho sexists? I wonder why they are spared of such accusations. Just because they were born with a dick doesn’t mean that they’ll use that as a stick shift to run the world. Maybe you don’t know it but we women have more powerful buttons to activate called the clit, but I digress. We’ll explore that some other time. I am what I am, you are who you are It is often the case with lesbians that we come to terms with who we really are, sometimes without the needed influence-slash-intervention of the outside world. Yes, there are those who feel that, since birth, they are women who love women. And then there are those who are not too conscious of that calling early on in life, but they embrace it fully when it calls them later in life. And both are totally fine. It’s the way you love yourself that’s the bottomline here. Nobody would really be right in saying that you “became a lesbian” because of this or that reason, or that you “turned lesbian” because of this or that influence. At the end of the day, what matters most is how you are comfortable with an identity that you like to wrap yourself with. In the end, no one can staple a label onto you without you trying to explore that label for yourself. Sure, you could see others like you out there, feign being influenced. But at the end of the day, choosing a label to define you is still a choice that you alone made, not because you merely felt it in your being or you were influenced by others. In the process of your self-exploration, that’s where you will discover who you truly are, and then the labeling will follow. It’s also totally fine if you don’t want to label yourself. What matters more is this: just go and explore whatever it is that makes you happy, free, and proud. And if being a lesbian brings you that, then good for you, teh! Welcome to the fold.

Happy Pride gals! // Libay Linsangan Cantor is a media literacy and gender rights advocate, an award-winning literary writer, and a card-carrying twoway genderqueer. Email her at leaflens@ gmail.com. Got a queer question? Post it at her Ask.fm/leaflens site to get replies. 11

Dating 101: sison for feist

Tips For Your First Lesbian Love

by shakira sison

Coming of age as a lesbian means crawling out of a pit of fears before even getting to the point other people take for granted. Before you even reveal to anyone your first girl crush, you must also deal with all the things that come with it. While any girl can have a crush on a boy like it’s the most normal, expected thing, being attracted to someone of the same gender comes with all sorts of questions. What does it mean? Am I a bad person? Am I going to hell? Will my family hate me? Will my friends desert me? Will my church shun me? Is the girl I like even gay or bi? Or will she be completely grossed out and laugh at me? Will she tell everyone that I’m a lesbian? Will my school kick me out? Will boys beat me up? Will I hate myself and want to die? I don’t know about you, but this seems like a hell of a load to carry for just an innocent crush! Unfortunately, all but a few of us have to go through this internal conflict at a very young age before even experiencing our first love. Can we be blamed then for putting so much weight on our love interests? Are we really so foolish to feel things a little more intensely or to believe that our whole lives are at stake when faced with a broken heart? When you meet that first person, they seem to make sense of all that you’ve carried with you as a lesbian. Even if nobody else knows about it, the world you’ve created together is the most palpable thing in your life. It rules your heart. You feel like you can face your parents or build a life together without that nagging fear that people around you can take it all away. But that’s exactly how one feels when that first love ends - like everything has been taken away, and all your fears come back, except that now you know that you can no longer turn your back and deny who and how you love. Unfortunately, there is no shortcut to that first heartbreak and recovery, except to ride it out. The bad part is that getting your heart broken once doesn’t make you immune to a second or a third time. The good part is that you’ll realize that your world of love and romance is real, no matter if you’re with someone or not.

Here are some tips from someone who has loved and lost (and maybe a little too much):

Never attack the third party. Confront the one who promised you their fidelity. That other person did not. The first one you love will most likely break your You’ll wish the third party honored your commitment, heart. She will do it so well that you don’t think you’ll but it was your partner who actually turned her back ever recover. It’s happened to all of us, and there is on it. more in store for you once you get past that.

2. Just because you are gay doesn’t mean you have to

9. Infidelity is not the cause of a relationship’s demise.

It’s a symptom of an underlying flaw in your relationovercompensate to make up for breaking convention, ship. Figure out what caused that relationship to fail, but it also doesn’t give you the license to be a bad part- even for the sake of your next ones. ner.

10. Some people have sex for the sake of sex. Stop re-

Even if your partner identifies as straight, they senting and demonizing people who can do it without chose to be in a same-sex relationship with you. Do not love if they’re clear about their motives. let them resent you for a decision they made on their own. Don’t let them blame you for the consequences of their actions. If someone tells you it’s just for fun and you fall in love, that’s your fault, not theirs.Don’t assume you’re loved just because you had sex, even if it was In the same respect, don’t be with someone to “con- mind-blowing, meaningful, or your first time. vert” them from straight to gay. You may open their eyes to same-sex relationships, but who they are and who they will be is something they need to discover on Be accountable to yourself and take responsibiltheir own. ity for your body. Don’t consent to sex and then claim something was taken from you or that you gave something up, and are therefore owed. You owe yourself Never be with someone who wants you to become your own respect. the gender you are not, and who points this out to you like it’s your shortcoming. That in itself is an irreconcilable conflict. Don’t be the wrong person before you Safe sex, always. If you’re not mature enough to even start. ask about previous sexual partners or take the necessary precautions, you’re not mature enough to have sex. Period. Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you will always be left or you’ll always be alone. There are many lasting and loving same-sex relationships and marriagLearn to move on. If a girl does not return your call, es. Look around. There will always be that next one you move on. If she doesn’t return your advances, move on. will love as long as you don’t give up. Stop hanging around for a change of heart. Look for that person who will also pounce on you at first sight. She is out there, but you won’t meet her if you’re too Being left for someone else hurts, but it’s also the busy running after lost causes. reality of life and growing up. One day you will have to leave someone and you’ll hope they’ll also understand. Love well and with all of your heart. At the end of it all (and there will be an end of some kind), be the one who will walk away certain that you gave it all you’ve got.

11.

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13.

14.

15.

Love onward, lesbians! All my love. 13

tips ni tibs Dear @tanginatibs gusto ko lang po malaman if you have any tips on like how to explore my sexuality more. Thank you!

Learn how to be true to yourself first. Then try exploring what really makes you happy.

Makipagkilala ka sa mga bagong tao at makipag-date ka. Kailangan mong mas lawakan pa ang ideas mo patungkol sa pakikipagrelasyon sa kapwa babae. When it comes to meeting new people, you can ask your friends to hook you up with someone or meet people online. But please be careful and always take things slow… or not!

Find a community. Join online and/or local groups, organizations, clans, etc. - Sa pamamagitan ng pagsali sa iba’t ibang grupo, mas lalawak ang mga koneksyon at “market” mo. Mas makakatulong din ito sa pagpili kung saang circle mo talagang gustong mapabilang. 14

Surround yourself with LGBT people.

Hang out or visit places that are considered safe spaces for the LGBT community.

Attend exclusive events for lesbians.

Read and watch helfpul lesbian-related materials.

Tama! Watch The L Word!

You can even try watching “lesbian” porn.

Do some research when it comes to sex. Explore your yourself and your partner. Be open to all possibilities and be safe! Always be safe!

Kung may katanungan kayo tungkol sa pagiging lesbyana, paglaladlad, sex, at kung anu pa, gora lang teh! Twitter: @TanginaTibs Ask.fm: @TanginaTibs

Here’s your second serving of #FEISTapes Compiled by Cha Roque

Do It With a Placebo Rockstar Pure Morning Amanda Palmer

Strangers On a Train

Sex (I’m A) Lovage

Lovage

Don’t Turn the Lights On Mayer HAwthorne

Nobody Does It Better Radiohead

The Fall Rhye

Fade Into You Mazzy Star

Serge Gainsbourg C. Will Melody

Feels Like We Only Go Backwards Tame IMpala

3 Days Rhye

“Pajamas” digital art Dyna Jimenez

Listen here

May 13, 2013 So… You’re the new girl, huh? I will start off by saying you’ve got big-ass shoes to fill, but then again I brought those with me when I left--that space is irreplaceable, so don’t worry, there’s none for you to fill. You get to start anew, so no pressure. I would tell you how she likes her eggs or what would she pick from a display rack inside a shoe store, but that would rob you of the experience of getting to know this wonderful person. Take the time to go through the nooks and crannies and in time you will get to know her like the back of your hand. Believe me, this girl is predictable, yet she could surprise you in many different ways. At this point, we’ve already set the distinction by removing the label “lovers” from our equation. Now we are working on the friendship that we built, and I hope you won’t shut me off from her life. What we had is untouchable, and it is indispensable to whatever you two will be sharing. Before she lets you in completely, you have to let yourself be pulled in - be her sister, be her friend. Win the hearts of her family and friends just by being you. They need to see how her eyes would light up whenever she talks about you, they need to know you’ll make her happy, they need to be assured that you’ll take care of her. She could be selfish at times but that’s only because she doesn’t want to share you with the world. If there are people around, she would find ways to let them know you’re hers. What matters most to her isn’t what people see, but how she sees you when no one else would matter. She will tell you that you are beautiful, and you will know she means it. It would be so easy to love her. What you’ll be having a hard time doing is containing yourself because you wouldn’t ever wanna stop doing so - love her the way you want to, but love her also the way she wants and needs to be loved. Let her grow, and you will see a beautiful woman unfold in front of you. And you will fall even more in love with her. She will have her own ways of telling you how she loves you, how she cares - it doesn’t mean any less because you’ll know it’s genuine, it’s for real. And you will never want to change a thing, you wouldn’t want her to stop. It would be one hell of a ride, so strap yourself in, throw your arms upward, laugh/cry/scream/whathaveyou… and you wouldn’t ever wish for it to end. P.S.: I promised her that after what happened, there are better things ahead that the best is yet to come. And now you’re here. Love her - that’s all I ask. AA

Love Letter Series

photo by Jamie Katie

“When you’re silent, it’s as good as lying.” Rosie O’Donell

In the Philippines, June marks the death of summer. Jeepney floors are slippery with mud and drippy umbrellas. Kids are also back at school, hence the crowded National Bookstores. June 12th is the day Aguinaldo declared our “independence” from Spain, only to be ruled yet again by the Americans, the Japanese, and later on, the Filipino elites – but let’s not go there, save this story for another day. Weddings are also popular this month because of Juno, the Roman goddess of marriage. What else happens in June? Ah, yes, rainbow flags are erected here and there.

A bit of history It was June 28, 1969. A rumble between the police and LGBTs broke out in Stonewall Inn, a secret gay bar in New York. A secret. Because the 1960s was a difficult time for LGBTs in the US and elsewhere. Suspected “homosexual spaces” were often raided. Back then, homosexuality was classified as a mental disorder under the American Psychiatric Association. It was only in 1973 when homosexuality was taken out of the list. And it was only in 1990 when the World Health Organization followed suit. Imagine that. New York prohibited the sale of alcohol to homosexuals in bars because they were deemed “disorderly.” Many gay bars, however, still operated without a liquor license. Police raids were common, but so were bribes. Over 200 people were present when the police – working undercover – announced the raid. They were shutting down Stonewall. Many were scared of being arrested or publicly humiliated – such were the conditions at that time. But the Stonewall patrons stood against the police. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Hate The Stonewall riots inspired LGBT movements across the world. The Philippines, however, took its time in translating this inspiration into action. Until today, I say it’s still a work in progress. To commemorate the 25th anniversary of the Stonewall riots, the Philippines organized its first ever Pride March in 1994 at the Quezon City Memorial Circle led by Pro-Gay (Progressive Organization of Gays in the Philippines). It was the first in Asia. In the same year, the Catholic Church stabbed a cross down the “sinful” hearts of Pinoy homosexuals. I was only two years old at that time, but now at 21, I feel the wound deep in my chest. The Philippines participated in the 1994 International Conference on Population Development (ICPD) held in Egypt, in which reproductive health and rights were discussed for the first time. The Philippines was to file the Reproductive Health Bill in 1999 and was to wait over 16 years before it became a law. The Catholic Church burnt files from the ICPD and called it “an agreement with the devil.” I wish I was making this up, unfortunately, this actually happened. 21

Then President Fidel Ramos supported family planning, but the Catholic Church is against the use of contraceptives. This created a rift between the state and the church. Cardinal Jaime Sin accused the Ramos government of promoting “abortion, homosexuality, lesbianism, sexual perversion, condoms and artificial contraception.” With this, “some” Catholic Church leaders and followers proved their twisted [mis]understanding and disrespect for gender rights. I say “some” because there are Catholics who take a different – more logical – stand on the issue. Filipinos recently won the long battle for the Reproductive Health Law. Pinoy LGBTs, however, are still fighting for the Anti-Discrimination Bill which has been pending in Congress for years. Both policies have been challenged on the grounds of “morality,” mostly stemming from religion-based arguments. Our Constitution clearly states the separation of state and church, but reality says otherwise In 1993, a homophobic ministry called “Bagong Pag-asa” (New Hope) was established. It helps people “step out of homosexuality” in the name of god. They try to convert homosexuals “back” to normal, which to them, is heterosexuality. The ministry says that gays are unhappy people in need of guidance. Unsurprisingly, the ministry is lauded by the Catholic Bishop’s Conference of the Philippines. Bagong Pag-asa is not alone in this pursuit of “defeating” and defining homosexuality; in fact there’s a whole global alliance doing that. On the other hand, the American Psychological Association condemns “conversion or reparative therapy” since such irrational and unscientific practices assume that there’s something wrong with homosexuals. The Psychological Association of the Philippines also stresses that homosexuality is normal, just like heterosexuality. Homophobia goes beyond the infamous conflict between science and religion. It’s really simple; it’s about human rights. Let’s not ask what the cure to homosexuality is, instead let’s work on the cure for homophobia – education and compassion.

WHY PRIDE? It has been said over and over, and I’ll say it again, there’s I’ve already lost respect for people who say that they nothing wrong with us just because we’re labelled “dif- support gender equality, and yet, they go on talking ferently” from heterosexuals. about how bad same-sex relationships are, how unnatural homosexuality is, how people’s taxes shouldn’t go to I know that some people will never understand the need laws supporting LGBTs. for gender equality – and when I say gender equality, it’s not just about females and males. As if we’re incapable or unworthy of love. As if we’re not humans. As if we’re not paying taxes. Misinformation breeds hate. Do you know why we need the Anti-Discrimination Law There are two biological sexes: female, male. But sexual in the first place? Because we don’t have the same rights orientation is different; this depends on whom you’re as everybody else. attracted to – some people are attracted to the opposite sex, some to the same sex, and some to both. We can’t have the legal benefits of marriage; we can’t jointly adopt children; we don’t have the same social This is not an abnormality. protection benefits (i.e., different PhilHealth and SSS arrangements); we are either taunted or made invisible Gender identity is, again, different from biological sex. by the media; some of us are discriminated at school as It’s how one identifies oneself. A transwoman is some- children, at work as adults, in society as a whole; some one born biologically male, but identifies as a woman; of us are bullied, raped, fired, and killed. while a transman is born biologically female, but identifies as a man. Don’t blame the gay kid who fell into depression and eventually committed suicide, blame the people who Whenever articles like this are published, hateful com- treated him with disrespect. ments always seem to follow. The whole point of the LGBT movement is acceptance, I feel sad whenever people say that LGBT advocates are not tolerance. forcing homosexuality down everybody’s throats. Given this flawed logic, I return the question to those who are It’s not a competition. It’s not homosexuality versus against homosexuals – aren’t you shoving heterosexual- heterosexuality. You don’t have to pick sides. Again, it’s about equal human rights. ity up everyone’s ass? I don’t usually write this way, pardon my language.

Sometimes I just feel too tired to even try to explain our advocacy; too powerless to reach out to more Filipinos. But it’s during these times that we should feel even more determined to win this battle against ignorance and discrimination. This is why we need to be proud of who we are because the rest of the country seems to be ashamed of us. There’s no Heterosexual Pride Month because the world already celebrates their heterosexuality in all aspects of life – in laws, in the media, in work, in schools. They are already embraced as the norm. Meanwhile, LGBTs are still frowned upon. It’s 2014, you’d think that things have already improved so much since the Stonewall riots, since the first Asian Pride March in the Philippines, since more LGBTs started coming out, since the academe started paying more attention. But the Philippines is still confused. It wants to change, but it’s stuck in the past – in its patriarchal, heteronormative, and pre-dominantly Catholic state of mind.

Don’t forget to be proud that you’re enlightened and empowered enough not to give up.

by AC Martin

Out and proud. These describe how the LGBT community wants to present themselves - as people who do not hide in the closet and are proud of who they are and who they love. A recent Twitter conversation about being in the #closetforlife, however, shows how this is not always as clear-cut as we hope it to be. For most lesbians and gays who participated in the conversation, being in the closet meant denying your true self, as well as denying your partner and your relationship.

In terms of being in a relationship where one or both parties are closeted,

On the other hand, staying in the closet is much more complex than what other “out” people think.

This meant calling your partner your “roommate” or “close friend” or creating an alternate account where one does not have to conceal his/her sexuality. Being closeted would also mean problems in the longrun;

@1giney tweeted that “if circumstances dictate for reasons of survival that she/they remain closeted then choose #closetforlife in the meantime.”

On June 26, 1994, the Filipino Metropolitan Community Church (MCC Manila) and Progressive Organization of Gays in the Philippines (Pro-Gay Philippines), led the first Pride March in the Philippines and in Southeast Asia. Around 60 people marched from Quezon Boulevard to Quezon Memorial Circle and, thanks to the media coverage at that time, the parade led to increased visibility about the LGBT community in the Philippines. A television show called Out! was released in 2004, and director Jose Javier Reyes said that “It was very groundbreaking. It was very eye-opening. I think it was ahead of its time... really, really way ahead of its time. Nakakagulat yung courage ng network na gumawa ng isang ganito.” (The courage of the network to create a show like Out! was really surprising.) Melo Esguerra, executive producer of Out!, said that it was the first show to focus solely on the LGBT community. The show wanted to break the stereotype of gays and lesbians at that time. Although it only aired for one season, it hit a chord on many LGBT youths who were still in the closet. GMA Network celebrated this year’s Pride Month with a segment called “Out and Proud” which aired on June 22, 2014. It featured mainstream shows and movies in the past decade that achieved considerable success despite their gay theme, such as My Husband’s Lover, Zombadings: Patayin sa Shokot si Remington, and Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros. It included interviews with popular out and proud celebrities such as Sebastian Castro, singer Aiza Seguerra, X Factor Israel winner Rose Fostanes, director Jun Lana (who was married to his long-time partner Perci Intalan in New York), transgender actress BB Gandanghari, transgender beauty queen Kevin Balot, and transgender model Geena Rocero. Events organized for and by gays and lesbians were also given sufficient air time, and one of them was Prom Night organized by Spectrum MNL. According to their website, Spectrum MNL is “a group of women that aims to provide a safe space where women who love women can come together, build a community, and have fun through organizing events for women.” Another event was by photographer Niccolo Cosme, who staged a photo exhibit at 71 Gramercy to celebrate the International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia (IDAHOT). So are more gays and lesbians out and proud? It seems that today’s environment is more tolerant of LGBTs which encourages them to be true to themselves and to be open about their sexuality. This means that more and more families acknowledge their son’s boyfriend or their daughter’s girlfriend as part of the family, and recognize the relationship between them. However, just because some gays and lesbians choose to stay in the closet does not mean they have not made peace with who they are. Although coming out is a personal decision, it may have profound impacts on the person’s family, friends, or co-workers, especially if the work environment is discriminatory against gays. If we discriminate against gays who remain in the #closetforlife, then how different are we from hetereosexual people who discriminate against us because of our sexuality? For those who are out and proud, a salute to your bravery! To those who are in the closet, may courage find you soon. But in the end it is all about respecting other people, period - closeted or not.

FILMS AND READS by Eri Durr

Reaching for the Moon

Alternative titles are: Flores Raras (in Protuguese) Film (118 minutes) directed by Bruno Barreto Languages: English, Portuguese Life is as fleeting as the clouds in the sky. Places, people, circumstances can’t stay the same forever. As cliché as it sounds, change is the only and even in love, it subsists. All we can do is just move on and continue living our lives trying to be brave. Just as how the women of Reaching for the Moon tried to be brave. Tried to live their lives, discovering themselves and those they love. The 2013 biographical film directed by Bruno Barreto is all about the tragic love affair between award-winning American poet Elizabeth Bishop (Miranda Otto) and Architect Lota de Macedo Soares (Glória Pires). The complex intimacy accompanied by beautiful cinematography and landscape can really leave a mark. Consisting of common relationship ingredients: mixed-feelings, complex-situations, misunderstandings, and perfectly blended imperfection, the intimate connection between the two highly influential women will really get you focused and fixed on your seats.

photo by Erka

Wandering Son

Alternative titles are: Hourou Musuko, (in Nihongo) Manga / Japanese Comic written and illustrated by Takako Shimura Languages: English, Nihongo As a 5th grader, Shu didn’t really know what concept of “gender identity” was. All he knew was he wanted to wear his sister’s dresses and feels good when he does. He felt pretty. What made the Wandering Son seem even more complicated was he developed feelings for a girl in his class that liked dressing as a boy. Eventually, he decided to take fate in his own hands by doing what he wants even if people see him as “weird” and call him “homo” to the point that he get’s called to the faculty office (when the girls that dressed as boys didn’t). Get your feelings ready for this manga that explores gender- identity, sense of self-worth, fluidity of sexual attraction, love, and true happiness from the perspective of Nitori Shuichi who, in the end, enters university to become a writer with the support of her longtime girlfriend. The pacing, sense of realism and simplicity in aesthetic makes it an easy-to-read story, both moving and influential. The anime adaptation is out but the manga is far better: http://mangafox.me/manga/hourou_musuko/v01/ c001/1.html

photo by Norah A.

INTERVIEWS

On a quiet December night, FEIST invited Dette Armada for an interview at Adarna Food and Culture Restaurant over at Kalayaan Ave., QC. The finance associate spoke in a decidedly semi-beki manner which was a pleasant surprise. The topics of the evening ranged from LGBT education to childhood toys to Detteâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s knowledge of Philippine Catholic masses (sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s memorized them since childhood!).

Interview by FEIST Team

Dette is one of the first members of UP Sappho, once the premiere UP Diliman organization exclusively for lesbians, along with (founder) Shakira Sison, Drei Tavanlar, and Cathy Perrin. Now an executive banker, she is the current co-chair of dbPride, the LGBT resource group for Deutsche Bank employees. Here’s how our chat with Dette went: Who is Dette Armada? I work with Deutsche Bank Group, what we do is profit and loss reporting. It’s an investment bank, so whatever the traders gained or lost for the day, we re-substantiate, we explain it, lalo na pag bumagsak. So you deal with foreign or local clients? I deal with foreign clients. I’ve been with the company for almost 5 years, and for the past 3 and a half years, I’ve worked with our London counterparts. But for the past year, I’ve been with Asia-Pacific, servicing Tokyo, Singapore, Hong Kong. Pero nakakasawa, so by end of the month, babalik ako ng London shift. Ano ang iyong coming out story? Actually, wala akong formal coming out. As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been this way ever since, maliit pa lang. Though pinalaki ako ng lola’t lolo ko, siyempre boyish-boyish, ganyan, pero my lolo would, y’know, dress me up. Yes, dresses! I had a lot of ribbons and headbands. Pero naalala ko, nung elementary ako, yung pinakamaikli kong buhok, siyete ba yung tawag dun? Yun. Tas ang ikli ng palda ko, parang butch na butch. As for coming out, sanay na sila [lola and lolo] eh. No change, no discussions. The first girlfriend I had was when I was in first year college. Nung bago pa lang ang UP Sappho, ininterview kami ng Pulp Magazine for their first issue. We had a topless photoshoot para dun, nakatalikod ako with the caption: Dette Armada, 2nd year, BS Economics student of UP Diliman. Yung sister ko nasa highschool pa lang nun, and yung mga friends niya yung nakakita sa magazine. Nagulat siya sa feature, though hindi namin napagusapan masyado. Pero napagusapan ata nila sa bahay, at naconfirm na tomboy pala talaga ako. No biggie though, sila nagsabi sa parents namin, and there was no confrontation.

So you were raised in a very conventional and Catholic way. Didn’t you feel like what you are is wrong (as per the preaching and various teachings of the religion)? No. Siguro it helped na never akong pinalo nila lola’t lolo. So hindi ko na-associate si God as a being who is there to punish you if you did something wrong. I was never punished heavily, yung pinaka-heavy na is palo sa kamay. Tumatak sa isip ko na if you claim that God is omniscient, all-powerful and most of all, infallible, that never Siyang nagkakamali, are you telling me that I’m a mistake? Kasi ako ganito, so that means I should be a straight girl. So where then is the omniscient, infallible, omnipresent God? Ang hirap naman nun, ang dami Niyang pagkakamali kung ganun, diba. Sabi rin nila, kaya ako ganito is because pinalaki ako ng lola’t lolo ko. They nurtured this side of me daw. Ang sabi ko naman, kung nasunod ang pagpapalaki ng lola ko, eh di dapat madre ako ngayon! My mother used to tell me, up until a year ago, na sana magkaanak man lang daw ako, kung talagang ayaw ko ng lalaki. But a few years before that, she would ask me if hindi ba talaga ako mag-aasawa ng lalaki. They couldn’t really challenge me though, hindi nila ako matarayan, unlike other moms, kasi takot sila sa lolo ko. Daddy has a very strong personality, and he told my parents, wag na wag nila akong sasaktan kasi love nila ako. Kahit sa relatives ko walang discrimination because I felt protected by Daddy. I never felt wrong with who I am. Do you have any significant discrimination stories/ struggles? The greatest and perhaps the most memorable was in 4th year high school: I ran and lost as the president of the student council. I was a transferee to a public school, and when I transferred there, ang haba ng hair ko, ang puti ko. Hindi ko alam na may starstuck factor pala, and uso pa nun ang Manila Girl by Put3ska. They were singing it; they were teasing me. Pag naiinis ako nun, nilulugay ko lang hair ko tas naglalakad ako ng usual lakad. I never pretended na I was girly. I had shoes na medyo pang-boy, yung pwedeng manipa. I also had younger friends na girls, tas sinasabi ng iba na nambibiktima daw ako ng girls. That’s the term they used. Chismis na layuan daw ako kasi nambibiktima daw ako ng babae. Schoolmates ko yung dalawa kong sisters, at sila pa yung nakikipag-away at nakikipagsabunutan for me. Naging corps commander ako ng 4th year. Feeling ng iba, ang daming guys na may crush sa akin at nanghihingi ng picture, na madaming lumalapit sa akin na anak mayaman. Yung mga nakabangga ko nun were yung mga Mean Girls nung time ko; sila yung nagt-chismis tungkol sa akin. I guess yung attention na ineenjoy nila nun wala pa ako, kanila lang, tapos nung may dumating na ibang babae, nadivert na, tapos it turns out hindi pala ako babae. Parang ganun yung point nila.

What are your thoughts about the Philippine LGBT Being a successful lesbian in such a male-dominated career/society, what can you tell young lesbians community now? as advice? Well sabi nila, the Philippines is among the top countries for women to work in. As for LGBT, I guess given Kanina I mentioned na one of my advocacies is educana we had the That’s My Tomboy show, I guess medyo tion, kasi personally mahilig akong mag-aral. Hindi mo maiiwasang may magddiscriminate sa atin anywhere, nag-oopen up na ang society for us. kahit sa sariling pamilya mo, sa ibang bansa, dito sa But part of my personal advocacy is I want people to Pilipinas. ‘Pag edukado ka, it’s one way na mapprotekbe educated. Kahit yung term lang, yung simpleng idea tahan mo yung sarili mo. To a certain extent, it’s one na ang lesbyana ay pwedeng ganitong itsura (butch), way to command a certain level of respect from anypero pwede ring ganyan (femme). Na hindi porke’t body. Iharap ka man kahit kanino, sa tatay o nanay ng ganyan ang itsura niya (butch), at makakita siya ng lal- girlfriend mo, keri lang. Kasi ang normal na stereotype aki, (ayaw) na, or makatikim siya ng (lalaki), magiging ng mga lesbyana is [walang mararating kasi] mal-edustraight na. So yun, nagbibigay tayo ng wrong educa- cated or even uneducated. So that’s one: you should be tion. Ayoko yung comment ng mga tao na, “lalaking-la- educated. ki siya kaya (okay sa kanila kahit tomboy)!” Another is: Don’t let other people bring you down. Each Feeling ko, medyo malayo pa tayo dun. Yung LGBT of us is unique in our own way. Sabi nga sa Economics, community naman, yung sa atin, malabo din. Siguro may comparative advantage. There are things na you medyo mas malinaw pa, at least yung definition ngay- can do and I can’t do, and there are things that I can do on ng mga tao sa gays, in the sense na nagkakaroon na hindi mo masyadong alam gawin. That way, we can sila ng bagong stereotype na kung sino yung mga lalak- live symbiotically kasi we complement each other. So ing-lalaki, mga gwapong-gwapo, sila pa yung bakla. It’s empower yourself, don’t compare yourself with othactually good kasi they know now na mayroong bakla ers. As long as you do good in what you do, then you na lalaking-lalaki, na mga macho, mga buff, na gusto are already successful. rin ay buff, at meron ding bakla na nagccross-dress, or Lastly, surround yourself with good people who empa-girl, mahinhin. Pero sa lesbyana, wala pa. power you. I mean, if you can’t be positive yourself, look for people who are positive. Wag yung nega!

Accomplished, admirably humble, and warmhearted; Teresa Barrozo really knows her stuff. With Brillante Mendozaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s internationally awarded Tirador (2007) as her first full-length film project, she just dived in despite her feelings of apprehension. Astoundingly, this self-taught/ self-made artiste is now known in binding sounds together. She has single handedly made a name for herself in the diversified industries of film (both independent and commercial), theatre and dance production. To name a few, she composed for the following films: Kinatay, Lola, Zombadings 1, Shake Rattle Roll 13, Juana C. The Movie, Instant Mommy, Captive, Titser (8 episodes, GMA News TV), 10,000 Hours, Diary ng Panget, and Ka Oryang wherein she won Best Musical Score in the 7th Cinema One Originals Film Festival 2011.

Interview by Eri Durr

She grew up in a time when parents would go on about medicine and law as “great” professions and being good in solving mathematical equations and analyzing science experiments were the only kinds of achievements that were significant. Nonetheless, regardless of her parent’s expectations, the passion for music was as urgent as an ember waiting to ignite. Despite her already taking pre-med, fate just reeled her back into music soon enough. What’s the most important insight you’ve learned so far? Bago ko maachieve ang isang bagay, kailangan ko muna magfail. She talks about the many times she has failed, disappointed others, and, above all, herself. Nevertheless, she values her failures as lessons that deepen life experiences. She values failures as essential. Who are your major influences both locally and internationally? In terms of principle, I admire Stravinsky. Fan ako ng works niya plus the fact that he collaborates a lot with theatre and dance. Of course he has his own compositions. Sa Philippines, Jose Maceda. Yung prinicples ng pagtanaw nila kung ano ang musika. John Cage [Jr]. mga principles niya on silence. Stockhausen. Pierre Boulez. Electro-acoustic music. Exploring “noise”… traditional music plus computer music manipulation. Can you tell me more about your collaborations with artists from different industries? And why you love doing so? I love collaborating. I never stop learning. Until now, gumigising ako at narerealize ko na ang dami ko pang di alam. When I collaborate with theatre and dance artists, I learn how to compose pa lalo. I work with them closely. I’m still exploring. Right now I’m in that point of my life wherein I’m focusing on having more personal works. Exploring music, yes, but more on sound as an art form. Very young pa rin mga pananaw ko sa ganito kaya nagaaral pa ko.

Your favorite collaborations? I love collaborating with this theatre group, Sipat Lawin Ensemble. Actually, I’m their resident sound designer. They produce edge work. We find new forms of expression through theatre, sound, and performance in general. I love working with them. They’re my friends. Love ko rin talaga makipag collaborate with dance people, choreographers. I’m a composer, they’re dance artists, but I consider them as co-composers too. Sila yung pinaka humihimay ng music ko. Alam nila kung ano yung pumapasok sa metro at pagnagbabago ako ng metro. Alam nila yung pakiramdam. Sila yung humihimay para malabas yung truth nung music para sa dance. Do you have a “creative process” in composing? I want to push the story. Yun yung bida for me. My music has to help the story. On discrimination, music schools tend to be male dominated and female composers “looked down” upon. She has also experienced the occasional jokes, wherein people associate lesbians in general with wanting to be “manly”.

How different is the LGBT scene now compared to when you were in college? The community now is more visible I guess. There are more gay personalities that are recognized now. Plus there’s more representation of the community in the media via TV shows, series, films, and etc. Is it important for the “closet lesbian” to go “out”? How so? Yes. But we should not pressure them to do so. They can stay in the closet as long as they want until the time they feel comfortable to come out. Our role is to provide a safe and loving place for them, a place where there is no judgment and less or no pressure. Any advice for the youth and aspiring sound professionals and composers? Regardless of your sexual preference, do what you love. Do it well. Do what your heart desires and never stop learning. Give back. Read more about her and listen to her works via: http://teresabarrozo.webs.com/ https://soundcloud.com/teresabarrozo

As a 30-year old geographer and teacher, Hazel lives up to her principles in taking the opportunity to teach her students not only about Geography, but about life as well. She has been teaching in UP Dilimanâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Department of Geography for five years now and specializes in geographies of gender, specifically, lesbian geographies. She is also currently engaged in research pertaining to lesbian discrimination in the workplace. On August 29, 2012, Hazel, together with Proud to be LGBT Campaign and the UP Department of Geography, organized a forum on Philippine Queer Geographies: Gender, Sexuality and Space. The forum fostered a rich discussion about gender issues and how they are represented in space and place. This is just one of her efforts in organizing and joining movements to promote gender equality in the country.

Interview by M. Wu

She recognizes that teaching in the university is an honor and a service, and she acknowledges the great responsibility that comes with it. Here, she tells us more about her coming out story, her passion in teaching and Geography, and her experience as a lesbian educator. How did you come out (to your parents, friends)? How old were you and what was their reaction? I realized that I was ‘different’ when I was about 8 years old but I did not do anything about it, because at the time, I did not know that it was possible to have a relationship with another girl. I had no exposure to same-sex relationships, and I had boyfriends, thinking that it’s the ‘normal’ thing to do. Coming out is a personal decision, and I came out to my mother not because I had to, but because I wanted my mom to recognize the relationship that I have, and I wanted her to treat my partner the way that she deserves to be treated and recognized - not as a “best friend”, but as my partner. I came out to my mother 4 years ago, and when I told her that I had a girlfriend, she told me “Di ako nagugulat, anak.” She was very supportive and up to now, she remains very close to me and to my partner as well. Do you feel it important for lesbian teachers to come out or is that going to hinder them from teaching? What about geographers? Again, coming out is a personal choice, and I have been very open about my sexuality with my students. It is also a way by which I can open up discussions with regards to SOGIE. It is very important for everyone to know that sexual orientation and gender identity and expression will NOT/NEVER hinder anyone from doing their jobs. Our efficiency and excellence in our jobs should not be based on one’s gender identity, but should be based on one’s capabilities and skills.

Has a student ever approached you regarding coming out? How did it go?

Is there a lot of growth being a geographer in the Philippines?

Usually, there are questions, especially after I discuss SOGIE, and I have had students come up to me and say that they are lesbian/gay/transgender, too. I enjoy those kinds of conversations, because I know that these students are very young, and at first, it is very hard to own up to their chosen gender identities, because of family pressure, peer pressure, social stigma, etc.

Yes, there is growth in the discipline here in the Philippines. The department of geography in UP Diliman is currently the only geography department in the country. I am hoping to see the day when another department opens in another university, or as a separate research entity. Right now geographers are usually seen as mappers, GIS analysts, etc., but there is a lot more to being a geographer than just being able to produce maps and models.

As a lesbian educator, did you experience any discrimination from your peers? I have had the privilege to work with people who are very accepting of who I am. I have never felt discriminated against in the department. I have experienced curiosity, like when I went to a forum in a Southeast Asian country (where there are very strict rules about homosexuality), one of the researchers from the host university said that she did not know that it was possible to have same-sex relationships. I consider the LGBTQI community here in the Philippines to be a bit luckier than those in other countries, but this is not to say that we do not have serious issues and problems with regards to acceptance, recognition, and discrimination. Have you always wanted to be a geographer? A teacher? What pushed you to pursue this career? I have always wanted to travel, and it is one of the main reasons why I chose Geography as my course when I was a student. I did not know anything about geography then, but I knew that I wanted to know more about the intricacies of places and spaces. I love to talk, and being a teacher gives me that opportunity to connect with people and to continuously learn.

What keeps you busy these days? Is there anything particularly related to the LGBT community? I am currently working on a research entitled “Locating the Filipina Lesbian: Navigating Spaces of Inclusion and Exclusion in Philippine Call Centers.” I do my best to attend fora, talks, and conferences organized by various LGBTQI organizations in the country, the most recent one I’ve attended, was #GenderProud by Geena Rocero, held at the UP Center for women’s studies.

Do you have any advice to young lesbians in the industry? Do you have any advice to lesbians, in general? Do not ever think that you are the only one going through this (especially for people who are having qualms about coming out). Internet technologies make it possible to connect with people who may have the same concerns, and do not be afraid to ask. Get in touch with the community, and this could be as simple as googling groups, or searching for hashtags. It is also very important for you to educate yourself, because you may be unique in this experience but you are not alone. I have always lived by the quote “Excellence is the best deterrent to sexism” (Anonymous), and I want to share this to everyone out there who might be having problems with regards to their gender identity.

“Do not ever think that you are the only one going through this.”

Interview by FEIST Team

Having two grandmothers, three aunts, and cousins as lesbians, Ann Sayson knew about the lesbian community early on. She was exposed to the lesbian life, so it wasn’t a huge deal when she realized that she, too, identifies as a true blue lesbian beauty. But of course the lesbian life is never without any form of struggle or discrimination. From family members to friends and co-workers, Ann worked hard to punch discrimination and bigotry in the face (figuratively and literally), proving to everyone how the old adage that goes “walang nagagawang matino ang mga lesbyana” is so unlawfully wrong – on so many levels.

After working for 8 years as a successful events manager and top hotel seller, Ann now works in a big-name marketing company as an Area Sales Manager. Here, she shares with us her experience as a self-made empowered professional: Is there a coming out story here, given your family’s openness to the LGBT (particularly the L) community? I grew up with my dad and my lola and lolo. High school alam ko na lesbyana ako, even nung bata pa ako, wala akong Barbie. Instead, meron akong koleksyon ng Tamiya, tapos mahilig akong mag-target shooting with toy guns. I’m also a surfer, I join competitions. Usually boyish yung mga laro ko. 50th birthday party ng dad ko nun, tapos nag-aayos kami ng monoblock chairs. Bestfriend ko kasi yung dad ko so tinanong lang niya ako: “Anak, ano ka ba, tomboy ka ba?” So nag-joke ko pa sa kanya nun, “Tao ako! De, boyish lang” So pinagbuhat niya sa kin yun! (laughs). No, seriously, eto na. I remember this conversation kasi nasa Pangasinan kami tapos inaya niya ako nun sa may dagat, nagdrive lang kami. Mahilig kasi akong magstargazing. Tinanong lang niya sakin, “Ano bang nasa puso mo?” Eh di inisip ko, hindi ako na-attract sa lalaki. So I told him, “You are the first and last man in my life.” Kasi kahit kuya ko hindi ko iniisip. Sabi ko, “Pa, I’m sorry kung sa tingin mo failure ako, na ganito ako, pero eto ako eh.” Tapos hinug lang niya at sinabi niya, “Kung saan ka masaya. Okay lang yan, basta wag mong hahayaang saktan ka ng iba. May pinag-aralan ka, hindi ka nila pwedeng (anuhin) kahit na minamata-mata ka pa.” Kaya ngayon, ako yung tipo ng tao na wala akong pakialam kung anong sinasabi ng ibang tao. Kung magulang ko nga tanggap ako, sino sila para ijudge ako?

You had a boyfriend before. What happened there? I had one for two months, pero hindi kami nagkikita kasi nasa Singapore siya. He was the one right before Dette. Sinagot ko siya kasi natakot ako na wala nang nagla-last, so sige, subukan ko na lang.This guy was actually courting me for the past 7 years: best friend siya ng kuya ko. Nagpunta na siya ng Singapore kasi dun na siya nagwowork, pero nakakachat ko pa din. Sinagot ko lang para itry talaga, nagbakasakali ako. Pero wala talaga. One month pa lang nun, binati pa ako ng “Happy Monthsary,” binati ko din siya, nag-“I love you” pa kami, tapos nakilala ko [si Dette]. Nung nakilala ko siya, hindi ko na kinakausap yung guy. So iniwan ko sa ere. Tapos hanggang sa eventually, tinawagan ko siya, sabi ko “sorry, hindi ko talaga kaya, pero sana mapatawad mo ako.” Alam naman niyang lesbyana ako. We never saw each other for those two months na ‘kami’. One month lang talaga kami, tapos umabot lang ng two months kasi iniwan ko talaga, hindi ko kinakausap. Nagpunta ako ng Baguio nun para mag-soul search. Kasi dumating nga ‘to (si Dette), ginulo ang buhay ko, eh sabi ko nga, ittry ko nang magpakastraight, kasi wala na sa isip kong pumasok sa isang relationship. Alam mo yung pag marami ka nang pinagdaanan, comfort zone mo na yung patulan y ung kung sino mang nakakakilala sayo. You don’t have to explain anything na lesbyana ako, ganito yung mga past ko. Since this was the best friend of my kuya who was eventually my best friend too, so alam niya lahat and I didn’t have to explain anything. But it ended up na nasira ko pa pati yung pagkakaibigan namin, kasi pinagluran ko lang siya. Experiment lang, kasi hindi ako naaattract sa lalaki, at never din akong naattract sa kanya. I even called him ‘kuya’ before, pero siya, matagal na niya akong gusto. Eto talaga ako eh, hindi ko na yun uulitin kasi hindi ko talaga kaya kasi alam kong kadiri.

What are your struggles as a lesbian in the Philippine society context? Sa trabaho, wala talaga akong problema, hindi ko naman tinatago na lesbyana ako. Kung makita nila na may partner ako, then so be it, pero I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t owe anyone an explanation kung ano ako. What about sa school, did you have any difficulties then? Nanununtok ako nung bata ako. May sinuntok akong lalaki dati, sinuntok ko sa gitna ng stadium. Kasi yung kuya ko, transferee lang nun, tas nagvarsity siya. Cheerleader ako nun. In the middle of the game, nagkasikuhan ata sila ng isang player. Inaamba-an niya ang kuya ko na susuntukin niya, eh siyempre nasa bleachers pa kami nun, tumakbo ako agad sa gitna ng court, inikot ko yung lalaki, saka ko pinagsusuntok sa mukha. This was in high school. Until college, ganun yung sinasabi ko sa kuya ko, pag kasama niya ako, walang mangyayari sa kanya (laughs). Do you have any advice for this generationâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s baby dykes? Dapat pumili sila ng taong sasamahan nila. Matutuong rumespeto sa kapwa at sa sarili. Wag nilang hayaang idown sila ng ibang tao, at yung respeto na yun kailangan manggaling na rin sa sarili mo.

COMING

OUT STORIES #OOTC

ETCHED UNTIL TOMORROW by Paris

It was one fine sweet Friday of October when I had this intense zeal of exchanging not only thoughts but hugs, kisses, and giggles with my most passionate best friend. While the natural breeze kept gusting on my reddish chubby cheeks, I did not waste a single second to make her feel how comforting it is to be with her on my 25th. I diligently kept on rubbing my arms to hers. That moment, I realized that it’s been five long years since I cuddled her like the innermost child in me. I then whispered, “How is it like?” “Like what?” she asked. “How is it like spending my day with the woman I dearly love?” “I was a bit hesitant to join you two but I got the courage when I saw how you smiled like a three-year old little girl asking for a kiss from Mama, like when you’re asking for console whenever your kuya would bully you when he was still with us,” she gushed. I was moved, moved to death that I thought of diving into that famous infinity pool of Marina Bay Sands while on a classic black dress and three-inch pumps. I wept, we did, while being held by each other’s chilling hands. At once I felt the warmth of my life’s superwoman, my coolest mom. “I love you, our one and only baby. Not a thing or two can make me love you less,” mom said.

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been planning to spend my silver year in Singapore with mom and partner. Following their initial visit in the Merlion-territory, I wanted to give them a treat on my special day because my mind, soul, and heart speak of them as the two greatest women in my life. Having expressed their desire to return to Singapura with me, perhaps, getting that dip in the elusive infinity pool is a wonderful silver year indulgence.

Sounds beautiful and engaging? Indeed, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m caught in an amazing trance.

OUT by AC Martin

(the irony of using a pseudonym!)

So this is my coming out story... to myself. I’ve always been a masculine-of-center lesbian, save for a couple of years when I grew my hair and wore more feminine clothing. The swagger in my walk was undeniable, and I doubt I fooled people into thinking I was straight; I sure didn’t fool myself. Almost all of my friends are straight and I’ve always been the token lesbian in the group, but the lack of lesbian friends never was a problem for me. My straight friends knew my ex-girlfriends and were completely cool with me being a lesbian. They didn’t ask me to dress differently or convince me that the dick is so much better. They just let me be me.

My sexuality has just been a given for me. When I was a kid, my mother bought me this Disney Princesses cassette, and I remember singing along only to the guys’ parts, even imitating their voices. My first crush was on a Fil-Am girl from our neighborhood; I still remember how she looks until now. In high school I had short hair and wore boys’ clothing. In college I ditched boy clothes but I didn’t wear girly tees or tops, either. In law school, when my girlfriend left me, I grew my hair and tried to act with less swagger, but I ditched that as well when I left law school to work at an NGO. In the end I became a shirt, jeans and sneakers kind of lesbian, a butch if you will. But I never watched lesbian shows or movies or read lesbian literature. I didn’t feel the need to immerse myself in the lesbian community because I felt that living the experience was enough. And then my girlfriend of ten years broke up with me last year to be with a man, and now she calls herself straight. That was a big blow for me, because how can a girl who’s been with women exclusively for all her life, who said she didn’t want children, who said she was disgusted with dicks, suddenly identify as straight? What the fuck just happened?

experiences makes me feel that I’m not just the token lesbian in the group anymore. I’m glad that I finally have people whom I can talk to who I know will understand me perfectly. This exposure to the lesbian community also led me to become more comfortable in how I express my gender. I cut my hair and have kept it short since. I do feel better about myself when I have short hair; it feels more me. I also don’t make an effort to be more feminine when around other people anymore. It’s like I’ve finally grown into this tall, lean, masculine frame that I have, and it feels awesome. This is a coming out story to myself because coming out to my parents is not an option. I am sure my masculine appearance betrays my sexuality, but my parents would rather overlook this than confront me. That’s not their style, so we don’t talk about my sexuality. My mother has asked me three times in the past whether I am a tomboy-once in high school and twice in college--but I denied it every time. I know they would never understand. For them, being gay is a sin that guarantees you a one-way express ticket to hell. I know they would rather disown me than accept my sexuality. Coming out means I would break my mother’s heart, and I love her too much to let that happen. I won’t come out not because I am not proud of who I am, but because my mother’s happiness comes before my own. I love her more than I crave my own freedom.

All the questions in my head led me to explore my own sexuality. I began to read lesbian blogs, participate in online lesbian conversations, follow notable lesbians on Twitter, go to exclusive parties, etc. I wrote about what it’s like to be gay in the Philippines and contributed articles to an online network of LGBT writers. I joined week- Does this count as a coming out story? Definitely. Because ly convos moderated by Palanca Award-winning essayist sometimes, the hardest person to come out to is yourself. and Rappler columnist Shakira Sison that discussed different LGBT issues. It was through these convos that my lesbian network expanded, and I got to meet intelligent, feisty members of the LGBT community who eventually became my friends. Right now we are working on creating an online magazine for lesbians, and our shared

“I won’t come out not because I am not proud of who I am, but because my mother’s happiness comes before my own.” 53

COMING OUT STORY by Maie Lee

Trust the heart that mends over time. Trust that it will be okay. But any happy ending had to start with a twist somewhere, so here’s mine: I had a group of friends who were worried about me, worried of who I was becoming as opposed to who they wanted me to be. Like any good set of friends, they told my parents what it was about. It was my fault, I guess, when I sometimes used our friendship to cover up the moments I had with my then girlfriend. But I felt betrayed nonetheless. I lost them. See, I was the lesbian, as how I identified then, who was born into a seemingly-tolerant family. I say seemingly because they had the vibe that they were accepting but turns out, they weren’t. They were conservatives who seemed to prioritize what “the others may feel or say” when they find out - it wasn’t supposed to matter. Truth is, I never out-ed myself, and at that time I didn’t want to. I was too scared, too dependent, too ashamed - to be whatever this is. I had relationships crumble beneath my feet because “I wasn’t normal”. I lost friends that turned their backs at me because I was too clingy or that I cried too much (I wasn’t allowed to cry at home because “this was my fault”). I had a house-school policy to

“It’s a cheesy statement but as soon as I realized it, my life had more silver linings than I wished for: I want to be the girl who loves.”

follow, and I was constantly reminded that “I was lucky I’m not on the streets”. I quickly became paranoid, developed separation anxiety, and fell into a hole that extracted me of my self-worth. And then, I had a Tumblr account (which is a blogging website - that I’m really not supposed to talk about, haha! And at first, it was an act of desperation, an act motivated by the want to have anyone to talk to and see me as I am. And many of those users, may they still be my friends now or not, filled my life with different people and ideas and wonder and love and acceptance. It took a while before I was able to tell my story to anyone, it took a while before I can even think about it without crying. But I can now - a moment that started when I realized who I wanted to be and what I wanted to leave in this world. It’s a cheesy statement but as soon as I realized it, my life had more silver linings than I wished for: I want to be the girl who loves. It doesn’t matter who goes (even when it’s still painful now); but people leave for reasons - even when I don’t understand it. I became more open to how I was and how I felt that I was slowly loving myself. It’s refreshing to look back and see where I was 4 years ago. It doesn’t matter who does or doesn’t love you as long as you love yourself. So wherever you, or anyone is now, if it’s a bad place, it doesn’t end there. It gets better. And I can personally vouch for that. Trust the heart that mends over time. Trust that it will be okay.

ACCEPTANCE IS THE FIRST STEP

by Kelly Morrison of @PinayLezMums

In a world full of prejudice and judgments, being a lesbian mom has been a constant struggle. There will always be social stigma, whether recognized or not. Getting used to the odd stares, the second look, the puzzled faces and the raised eyebrows took time – . I “came out” around 2 years ago and friends – most especially LUGs (Lesbians Until Graduation)- seemed to not understand who I am right now. They’d think that this is merely a phase like what had happened to them in the past. It is simply an illusion, they emphasize. There were some hopes that I’d get back to my “heterosexual self” and live a so-called “normal” life. Some even believed that my faith was not strong enough that I gave in to what God has “not” planned for me. I know for a fact that I am a well-rounded person and I have not lost faith on my Creator.

Sadly, I did that most of my life. Was hiding in a closet – confused and had no one to talk to about how it is being gay. It seemed like I was in a box of restrictions, trying not to even entertain “gay thoughts”. I have had major crushes on women (Angelina Jolie tops my list *wide grin*) but it stops there. I thought that lesbianism is merely a state of mind that can easily be changed and liking women is not more than admiration. I even have had 2 lady “suitors” back in college but did not entertain them because of fear. I had to, simply because I want to be accepted, to be loved.

Now that I am already grown with a lovely partner and 2 beautiful children, I suppose my Mom accepted me. Not entirely, but the support is there. I think what really helped is my self-acceptance. I owe it to God and my partner. He gave me her and she helped me go through this journey of acceptance and self-love. She taught me lessons about what reality offers us. It is indeed a matter of choice. That choice of accepting who you are over what society expect you to be.

Now, I want to impart this to our children and our family. Acceptance has played a major role in our lives. The fact that Don’t get me wrong. My Mom loves me so much and so my eldest son accepted me of who I am is one of the most did my Dad (God bless his soul). But being gay is utterly amazing things that had happened in my life. I am praying different. that I could do the same for him and for our daughter too. There is a certain level of tolerance a parent has to meet Having a great support system is a big plus. They boost you in accepting a gay child of who he or she is. up simply because they believe in you. And I am just so Why do I know this? Because I am a parent myself. I have grateful I have that. learned throughout this maternal journey that major adjustments are needed to accept who your child really is. Acceptance is not merely approval. It entails consent, In my opinion, it will be a lie if parents do not have expec- agreement, admission. With acceptance, faith follows. A tations of their children. Acceptance of meeting that ex- strong belief that one can make things happen. No matter pectation and having a different outcome is a challenge who you are. in itself. What more when having a gay child? And honestly, if I haven’t accepted myself, I should’ve merely existed in a lie.

I know for a fact that I am a well-rounded person and I have not lost faith on my Creator.

P RESS : 100 LOVE L ETTERS

[photo credit: Photo by Tian Yake, Creative Commons License. http://bit.ly/1tCFD7S]

Love Letters typically need lots of patience, love, and time. But some Love Letters arise out of impulsive certainty and sudden cravings. Some Love Letters are too tempting to resist. Crafting the perfect Love Letter requires the perfect heat. Then, Love Letters can be rolled or folded. The disastrously failed ones, the broken and torn pieces, can be devoured fast. Love Letters are packed in tins that hold 100 folded pieces—no more and no less. PRESS: 100 LOVE LETTERS is a book inspired by the kuih kapit. We’re collecting 100 Love Letters in all their forms: postcards, tiny essays, poetry, letters, flash fictions, or drawings from women to women across the Asia-Pacific region. The collection will celebrate our presence, connect to each other as gossamer threads, recognize the familiar across the seas of our regions. We envision this book to be a love letter about who why are, why we matter, how and what and why we’re flavored the way we are. Whether you’re a woman who loves another woman, a woman with a trans lover, or someone who has loved in a manner to delicious for any language’s pronouns. Hopefully, readers might give our letters to lovers of their own. PRESS: 100 LOVE LETTERS will be published on rice paper, inspired by the kuih kupit mould and pressed coconut rice wrappers. The book will have handcrafted lettering to reflect the texture and balance of tastes embodied in the collection. It will be edited by writers Francesca Rendle-Short and Laurel Fantauzzo, and released by KALA Publishing house in Kuala Lumpur under the direction of translator and poet Eddin Khoo. With PRESS: 100 Love Letters, we want readers to feel the delicacy, temptation, and richness of our love in all its range. PRESS: 100 LOVE LETTERS will be a feast, a celebration.

wanted

100 Love Letters from women to women. We’re looking for postcards, tiny essays, poetry, letters, flash fictions, drawings, or more, for publication in an anthology by KALA Publishing House.

about

The Chinese Love Letter, or kuih kapit, is a delicious coconut wafer biscuit eaten traditionally during Chinese New Year. It’s a way of celebrating beginnings, the giving and generating of love—kuih, in Malay, meaning bite‐ sized sweet, and kapit, meaning to compress.

Who can submit

This is a book for women who love, or have ever loved, women, who live, or have lived, in the Asia-Pacific region. Anyone who identifies as a woman, at any stage of her writing life, is welcome to submit.

What to submit

We will emphasize new, original, unpublished, short creative works, but if you have a suggestion of a reprint, please do get in touch. Submit short essays, poetry, flash fiction, letters, notes, drawings, or doodlesâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;maximum 500 words in text per submission. We will favor even shorter submissions.

How to submit

Send your love letter, contact details, and a short 50-word biography to pressloveletters@gmail. com.

deadlines

Deadlines for contributions November 30, 2014, to be published August 2015 for distribution at the Melbourne Writers Festival. The editors will be making their selections toward the end of 2014.

compensation

Each contributor will receive a complimentary copy of the book.

About the editors Laurel Fantauzzo won a 2013 Don Carlos Palanca Memorial Award for Literature and is at work on her first book. She is an instructor in English and Creative Writing at Ateneo de Manila University. She also founded the year-long audio show Love Letter Radio at KRUI in Iowa City, which invited authors to read personal letters accompanied by songs she selected.http://laurelfantauzzo. com/ Francesca Rendle-Short is a novelist, memoirist, essayist and editor. Her second book is the critically acclaimed memoir-cum-novel BITE YOUR TONGUE (Spinifex Press), shortlisted for the 2012 Colin Roderick Literary Award. Her short fictions, photo-essays, exhibition works, reviews and poetry for the page and wall, have been published in literary journals and magazines, online and in exhibitions, including Killing the Buddha, The Best Australian Science Writing 2013, Rabbit, TEXT Journal, Axon, Overland, Bumf, among other places. In 2013 she was the recipient of the International Writers Fellowship to the University of Iowa Nonfiction Writing Program. Francesca is co-director of the nonfictionLab in the School of Media and Communication at RMIT University where she is associate professor. Her website is francescarendleshort.com.

FICTION 63

r u o y n i g n i th y r e v e e v a le to u o y g n i c n i v n o c f She has this way o n o o s s a , g n i n r o m t a th d n A . e s r u o c f o , r e h t life. Everything bu . k c a p to d te r ta s d n i m y m , n w to n i k c a b s a w as I heard that she

Stealing Cars by JM Hipolito #microfiction

I told them all I was waiting Waiting for the right time, waiting for the one Waiting for my knight in his cool shirt and ragged hair And his gifts of Valentine flowers and cards and brown bears Waiting for the warm boy with the cold heart Always trying to push my legs apart. I was waiting for the right one in the wrong bodies And I kissed them left and right while my mind Kept asking, “Are you here?” But baby, no, their kisses were not what my lips were looking for. That night your mouth whispered quiet songs into mine I knew I had found what I’ve been searching for all along. You are flood and my heart is a dam and it is breaking In kaleidoscope pieces only you can see Darling, you have always seen me. I am fist fighting with my heart Because in my chest lives a bully. It keeps calling me names: Sinner, abomination, a mutation In the tradition of opposite attractions. My heart is a bully and a coward But I am fighting it for you. I am fighting for you, love, Because you were never meant to Be loved behind closed doors. You make me loud, love I am a bomb detonated by your name So loud, love Your body is made of perfect syllables And my fingers are more fluent than I am. Stay for a while longer, love I am starting to see the light beyond these walls I am still scared But wait for me, love Promise me you will hold my hand Until I’m finally brave enough To love you out loud.

Love You Loud by Jamie Delos Reyes

The mere act of confessing shouldn’t be very difficult, but it is. These are the facts: she’s there, you’re sure, you’ve taken a deep breath, and… nothing. You can’t speak, you can’t do it, and you don’t know why. A few weeks ago a friend and I were out shopping when we stopped to check out bracelets at a store. I do not wear a lot of accessories but I was intrigued by the bracelets because they looked so nice; so intrigued, in fact, that I made a lame joke about bracelets and wrists and garter (I’m not going to repeat it here, it’s that lame). Suddenly I hear chuckling behind me. I knew it wasn’t my friend because she was giving me the “you’re lucky you’re my friend” look. Welp, I thought, weirdo at 6 o’clock. I turned around, and... Make that cute weirdo. I’ve got to talk to her. Suffice it to say I got her number when I left that shop. Five coffee dates later, I’m starting to think that I like her. She has curly black hair that bounces when she laughs, and bright brown eyes that shine whenever I tell yet another lame joke. She’s a middle child in a family that doesn’t know she likes girls. She takes her coffee with minimal creamer, being somewhat of a purist. Her board exams are coming up so she deactivated her Twitter and Facebook accounts. She dreams of practicing her profession in the Philippines, but on the countryside.

Confession by Eby Kangleon

We don’t talk often because she’s busy and I don’t want to distract her, but whenever we do, I try my best to cheer her up. She makes me smile with stories about her review classmates. I tell her I would bake her a cake when she passes the board exam. We play 20 questions but we’re way past the 20th at this point. She makes me happy, and I’d like to think that I make her happy too. Comfortable. I guess that word best describes us. In the short period that we’ve known each other, we’ve managed to share bits and pieces of our lives, something I’ve done only with a handful of my other pseudo-relationships. She makes my heart skip whenever she touches my arm, but I’ve yet to hold her hand. The closest I got was holding her wrist when we were crossing the street. Good god, I like this woman. I guess we’re at that cusp now. I like her. And yet I know we’re never going to be great together. Our last coffee date made me conclude that we lack chemistry, or more accurately, we don’t have enough of it. We are comfortable, and although my heart skips a beat when she touches my arm, I don’t find myself reaching for her fingers. I don’t find myself wanting to rub my thumbs over her knuckles in a comforting manner. When I wake up, it’s not her I want to talk to first. She never remembers how I like my coffee, and sometimes she’s so focused on her future that I don’t know whether it has room for me in it. We’re not dating exclusively so I really shouldn’t expect anything more from her, and yet I do. I haven’t told her that I’m seeing other people but I’m pretty sure she is too. My hunch is she’s seeing a review classmate - I can’t possibly be the only girl she “studies” with, and the way she talks makes me think that someone else keeps her company during her self-imposed “social study time.” I don’t understand how that makes me feel, her seeing other people. Although we’ve only known each other for weeks and she has probably known this other person longer, I can’t help but feel threatened, which is neither rational nor logical. I can’t even define the nature of our friendship, much less theirs, and yet the green-eyed monster keeps rearing its head whenever I feel her drifting away. I shouldn’t even be feeling this way. Tonight as I sip on my green tea frappuccino with a shot of hazelnut, I stare at her and wonder how to tell her. I’ve said it a thousand times inside my head, and I have the key points locked up. I should do this. I should tell her that while I think I could like her more in the future, I do not feel sufficient chemistry between us. I should muster enough courage to confess, to finally tell her this: “I don’t see us going anywhere. We should stop seeing each other.”

She stood there, one hand on her hip, the other nursing a headache slowly evolving into a migraine. She stood there, tired and stressed and feeling all too worn out while looking at the figure in front of her, looking all too small and pitiful. She sat there motionless, except for her lips constantly moving, mumbling words almost unintelligible – probably the effect of too much alcohol and weed. Said she needed them to keep her sane from everything that has happened, from all the good and the bad and the what-ifs that will remain as such. Pity, her companion doesn’t see her as sane at the moment. And then she stood up. She stood face to face with the slightly-irritated girl with the now-migraine and then hugged her. She tried to wrap her with the tightest of hugs she can muster given the limp limbs she has at the moment. Then she bawled like a child who just realized his favorite remote-controlled toy given by his favorite person got soaked in mud and is now useless, dysfunctional. She tried to hug her back. She tried to replay all the good memories she had with this mess of a person right now and thought of all the reasons why she should stay with her, at least for the night; until she gets back her sanity. Hesitantly at first, she enveloped her with the warmest of hugs she could give. She smelled the tequila and weed on her shirt, mixed with cigarette and sweat and other hints of impurity. But mostly, she smelled her despair and her longing and regrets. As she was imagining the compendium of good memories with this girl and remembering all the good reasons to forgive her and keep her company for the last time, probably not last even, the girl let go. She stared at her with her almond eyes and flushed face and then walked away. She stopped at the door and then said, “Sorry.” Her mouth which kept on mumbling incomprehensibly a few moments earlier became a thin line. Leaving only that one word as a good bye, she left and didn’t even bother to close the door. She just walked way past it, head hung low and shoulders sagged – cowardice personified.

Of Memories and Reasons by M. Wu

Suddenly it was Sunday morning and she wakes up with the smell of garlic fried rice and a special kind of omelette, a self-made recipe she only dedicated for her. Her cheeks flushed upon realizing she was naked and the blanket was only covering half of her torso. Quickly, she rose to her feet and put on her clothes then followed the aroma of breakfast awaiting her empty stomach despite the sumptuous dinner they had the night before. It was then a stressful day at work when suddenly, as she was exiting the building and heading to the curb on the road where she usually hails a cab home, she’s there. Standing with her honest-to-goodness sexy stance while leaning on her car, she waited for her. All the stress at work all went down the drain by the curb on the road when she flashed that sorry-i-just-wanted-to-surprise-you smile at her. And then she hears a pop of a bottle of champagne. Her whole family was there for a celebration; and she was invited. She felt part of her love’s family. She finally felt completely part of her life. Her heart kept on beating fast the whole night, but it was a good heart-pounding – excitement and nervousness and fulfilment combined. She could still hear the loud pounding in her chest up to this moment. But this time, the pounding in her chest didn’t sound like a good heart-pounding. It was like a smack to the face which you know would bruise for days. It sounded like a plethora of drumbeats hammering through her skull. It was like a continuous loud honk of a large truck almost about to hit a drunk-driven car in an intersection. And then she pictured more pleasant memories, memories which have now become reasons to forget. This time though, the compendium of memories was extended with an image of a drunk girl driving in an intersection, with a truck honking at the other side, only getting nearer and nearer to the relatively tiny car as the honking gets louder.

Those Even Thoughts by ChaCherryRed we rise and fall and stand up to take more risks we watch and learn and crave for more educating miseducations we try it once and twice and keep coming back for more even though we know we used to brave storms for this even though we know this could mean the end we go back for bottomless yearnings and disdain on the rocks we try to frequent hell while dreaming of heaven in between long puffs and deep breaths caged in bars of unfulfilled desires and broken promises we laugh while crying inside and even though weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re happy we know we are all broken the power of words diminishes when you stop realizing their weight happy is just a word they say so we give limitless meanings to justify our neverending wants when you can never have enough those even thoughs are just words you sew together to try to snap you back

mellowed for smoothness drop by drop through sugar maple charcoal matured for character in our own handcrafted barrels tasted for flavor by masters until deemed ready awarded for quality and distinction “every day we make it, we’ll make it the best we can” best enjoyed responsibly the constant cravings and anticipation the never-ending hangovers and chase i wish to always be in between just be at the exact place and time when things are actually happening bottoms up!

A Toast to Sour Mash Lips by ChaCherryRed

An Ode To A Great Love by AC Martin **This article was originally published on Bakliterati.net

You were my first love. My first kiss. My first heartbreak. My first everything. I loved you at an age when I didn’t even know what love was. You were my classmate in our exclusive, all-girls Catholic school, and I never thought in the moment I first saw you just how big a part you would play in my life. All I knew was I couldn’t help buying you chocolates every time I passed by the sweets shop, or burn sappy love songs in a CD and leave it in front of your assigned computer before our computer class, or show up at your dance practice with flowers in hand. With you I first felt the anxiety of leaning over for a kiss, thinking if I should tilt my head the way they do on television. Where should I put my hands? Is my mouth too open? I didn’t even know about common interests or shared hobbies or similar tastes in music. I just knew I loved you, and was confident about it the way fourteen-year-olds usually are. I used to think you were my One Great Love, as well. Forgive me for being naive, but I honestly thought that the person I grew up with was the same person I would grow old with. I’ve loved you since I was fourteen, and we watched each other’s back through high school, college, postgraduate, and until we made our career choices. It was too easy to imagine and build a future around someone who you thought was going to be there—dare I say it?—forever. Because you were my forever. Even if, during gaps in our relationships, we each found and loved other people, we still came home to each other. You were forever. You were home. You were my first love, and nothing and no one can change that. But at this point, you’re not my one great love anymore. One day, after ten years, Fate decided that our role in each other’s lives was over. You gave your heart to someone so quickly I didn’t even realize I’d lost it. It was an end of an era for me; an end of a familiar life. I felt so lost, so hopelessly, desperately, mind-numbingly LOST, that I took my time in wallowing in the hole that your absence left, hoping you’d change your mind. Of all

the things that had come and gone in my life, you were my constant. Despite all the changes that happened, I knew I had something solid and stable with you. So when I lost you, I lost so much of myself that for a moment I didn’t know how to define myself, because who I was depended so much—too much—on you. Without a container to hold me, I felt like a pool of blood and tears and despair, filling nooks and cracks in the pavement as it rolled freely in every direction, thinning away as it went, marking the ground where a part of me died. And yet, cliche as this sounds, life did eventually go on. My heart continued beating, I continued living. Once I stopped idealizing our long relationship, I realized that yes, you were a great love, but you’re not my One Great Love. I know I will have subsequent relationships, and these may prove to be greater than what we had, and I don’t want to miss out on those just because I had given you the label of being my One Great Love, made you the standard by which these subsequent loves will be held against. Because One Great Loves shouldn’t give the person who love them with so much passion and intensity the worst kind of pain. One Great Loves value honesty, trust, and commitment. One Great Loves appreciate the love they have and know how lucky they are to be loved by someone so intensely. One Great Loves don’t treat the person who loved them the most as just one of their ordinary loves. So thank you for allowing yourself to be part of my love story. Unfortunately, I was not your One Great Love, and I know I deserve to be that for someone. Thanks for making me feel that I was not that person for you, because it gave me a chance to find someone who could possibly be the last person I’ll ever love. And I’m pretty sure it’ll be a Great one.

“When I lost you, you and I lost: I, because you were what I loved the most, and you, because I was the one who loved you the most. But of the two of us, you lose more: because perhaps I’ll love others the way I loved you, but nobody will love you the way I did.” -- Ernesto Cardenal

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