Now that you're back by Kitty Fung

now that you are back A journey through depression

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O E L P M

Richard Beeston

Thank you ... To our families – for your constant support throughout our journey, for never giving up on us, and for taking us out for coffee. To our friends – for sticking by us, and for sending us cards and food just when we needed it! To Dr Ross Fulton – for always going beyond the call of duty. To Dave, Gav and Dorny from All Mankind – for giving me an outlet for my songs and emotions, and for letting Ali come on tour. To Ants – for working tirelessly on the book design and cover, and helping us look good. To Rhonda, Sue, Julie and the team at Blue Bottle Books who saw the need for this book, and made it all happen.

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PO Box A287, Sydney South, Australia 1235

Ph: 02 8268 3333 • Fax: 02 8268 3357 Email: sales@youthworks.net • Web: www.bluebottlebooks.net Published August 2008

Copyright Blue Bottle Books 2008 © Richard Beeston Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of private study, research, criticism or review as permitted under the Copyright Act, no part of this book may be reproduced by any process without the written permission of the publisher. Scripture taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. ‘NIV’ and ‘New International Version’ are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark office by International Bible Society. National Library of Australia ISBN 978-1-921460-09-8 Cover design by Andrew Beeston Typesetting and internal design by Andrew Hope

Contents Why I wrote this book

Anxious beginnings The Alison I first knew Panic attacks begin Research: What are panic attacks? Hoping it all goes away

The â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;black dogâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; attacks The elderly woman Research: What is post-traumatic stress disorder? The knife and the diagnosis Research: What is clinical depression? Why does God allow suffering?

Goodbye life Goodbye house Goodbye money Goodbye wife Goodbye band, goodbye dreams

Surprise reactions Responses from our friends and family Closet depressives begin to appear Research: The extent of depression in society How can Christians help the depressed?

Is depression spiritual, mental or physical? Is depression a spiritual problem? Research: Psychiatry and the medical basis of depression Research: Psychology and Cognitive behaviour therapy A balanced view of suffering, depression and healing

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Now that you are back (the recovery) The weekend that turned it all around Prayer, provision and Christian love Looking to the future

Thank God for depression Alison steps out Richard’s music and ministry Sick or healthy, rich or poor – God loves you

Alison reflects Alison adds her thoughts Alison’s favourite Bible passages

Appendix Endnotes Some useful websites Some useful books Richard’s music

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Why I wrote this book When performing my music, I often take the opportunity to talk about my wife’s experiences with depression, and share what we learned about God and ourselves during that period in our life. It amazes me how many people speak to either Alison or me after the show and confide in us their own struggles with this illness. For whatever personal reasons, they are generally reluctant to talk to anyone else, and we are sometimes the first people they ever open up to. To me, this indicates a couple of problems. Firstly, if people are only telling us about their depression, then there must be many more who aren’t telling anyone! Secondly, the reluctance to open up on this issue appears to be based on a fear of how other people will respond.

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It seems to me, there is a large group of people with depression who are not getting appropriate help, care and support because no one is aware they need it. There is also a large percentage of the general population who aren’t well informed about depression, and have difficulty knowing how to help and care for someone when they actually do tell them they need it.

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For Christians in particular, there are also many questions that depression raises. For example, why does God allow people to suffer this illness? Why doesn’t he immediately restore people to full health? Is depression just a ‘spiritual’ problem? Is it a sign of sin in a person’s life? Should a depressed person take medication? Can psychiatric and psychological treatment help? I am not an expert on mental illnesses or depression, but I am sure what I discovered on our journey could be of some help to others who are on theirs. I knew nothing about depression before this all began, but I have since gained an insight into what depression actually is, what it is like to be depressed, and some good ways to fight back and begin the recovery process. I also discovered something of the joy of suffering, the great hope of heaven, and the way God can use terrible experiences to help us trust him even more.

Why I wrote this book

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Now that you are back

Y L Anxious N O beginnings E

Anxious begiMnniPnLgs SA

‘Tell me can you hear the crack from a hard life breaking?’ Can you hear me? from Puzzles by All Mankind

The Alison I first knew There were two main things that initially attracted me to Alison. Firstly, she was funny. I think it takes a lot to make me laugh, really laugh, but she had the ability, and I admit I was surprised. In fact I was fully prepared to employ my fake laugh to win her over, but once she put on her mischievous smile, opened her eyes wide and delivered the punch line, I never needed to. One of the first jokes she told me was this:

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‘Ask me if I’m a tea towel.’ ‘OK, are you a tea towel?’ I asked. ‘No.’

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It’s all in the delivery. Trust me.

The second thing that won me over was Alison’s integrity. By that, I mean she was strong and passionate about her beliefs, and almost annoyingly consistent in living up to them, even when her standards appeared to me somewhat unsustainable. From early on she challenged me, disagreed with me, poked holes in my arguments and made me feel inadequate – I loved it! From the moment she asked me (accused me), ‘Why do you cross against the traffic lights?’ I was hooked. I remember thinking, ‘What? You’re crazy! Everyone crosses against the traffic lights. It’s impractical and impossible not to! What if you’re in a hurry? What if you know it’s completely safe? Well, yes, I guess we’re meant to obey the law. Yes, I suppose I should have more patience, but …’. I was studying media at university, and was used to people challenging me to think.

Now that you are back

However, these weren’t just challenges to my intellect, they were challenges to my whole life! – my actions, my opinions, my prejudices, my core beliefs. One after one, she shot all my arguments down, until my former thoughts and ideas about what life was all about lay lifeless on the floor. Here was someone I could love with my whole heart, soul and mind. It took me about three hours to know I wanted to marry her. But long before marriage was even discussed, our troubles began. During our early dating years, we spent a lot of late nights talking, and this time we must have been discussing something significant, because Alison was crying.

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This was not particularly unusual. She is what I would call an ‘overidentifier’. She identifies with other people’s emotions so strongly, that she often ends up in worse shape than the person she is consoling. If you cry, she’ll cry more. If a character in a movie gets sad, she’ll get sadder.

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In fact, I recently found out she was banned from watching Sesame Street when she was young, as she often burst into tears over minor problems in the lives of Big Bird, Grover, Oscar and friends.

This night however was different. Something was really wrong. The crying wouldn’t stop, and it started to get out of control. The tears turned to sobs, the sobs to groans, and the groans to hysterics. The volume increased and she curled up into a ball, holding on to her legs for dear life. She rocked back and forth like a small boat in a huge ocean, and I found myself at a loss to know what to do. The regular pat on the back, ‘it’s going to be all right’ routine wasn’t going to work this time. I tried ‘Alison, talk to me – what’s wrong?’ Nothing. I raised my voice, trying to break through. Hopeless. I prayed, ‘God, whatever this is, fix it now!’ No reply. Whatever this was, it had taken control of her body, and as she writhed and convulsed, tears welled in my eyes and I looked on helplessly.

Anxious beginnings

Panic attacks begin I found out the next day that what I had witnessed was called a panic attack. Apparently fairly common according to the doctor, but this one was more severe than normal. At the time, Alison was studying social work at university, and was in the middle of an emotionally demanding practical component of the course. She was tired from juggling the demands of her degree, her work commitments, and the serious progression of our relationship. Personally, I thought a panic attack was a somewhat reasonable response to the situation. I imagined it as her mind crying out for a break, using her body as a megaphone. I assumed a bit of rest, a bit less of me, and a few changes here and there would fix it up, and we could move on. Turns out I didn’t know a lot about panic attacks, or the brain, or the nature of people, or much at all really.

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Research: What are panic attacks?

So, I started to investigate. I began reading various books, and it turned out that what is normally called a ‘panic attack’ could be more accurately described as an ‘anxiety overload’. Many sufferers experience a sudden onset of intense anxiety. The attacks can cause shaking, shortness of breath, faintness, dizziness, rapid heartbeat and many more symptoms. The episodes are normally short (between two and 30 minutes), but leave the person feeling depressed, exhausted, confused and sometimes embarrassed by what has just happened1.

For some people, panic attacks can be mild, and will only occur once or twice. However, if the panic attacks are recurrent, a person may be diagnosed with ‘panic disorder’. For such people, attacks can begin to happen unexpectedly, and be completely unrelated to the situation they are in2. I also discovered later that panic attacks can be associated with, or can become precursors to depression. Of course, the problem is that once you have had your first attack, you start to get anxious that it might happen again! Not helpful. In an effort to work out how to control the anxiety, Alison started seeing her doctor and counselor. In the meantime, we continued to

Now that you are back

enjoy our flourishing relationship. There didn’t seem to be enough hours in the day to spend time together! We talked incessantly about getting married. We wanted desperately to see each other all day, every day. We began going on shopping trips, noting the prices of everything from toothbrushes to dining tables, pricing how much it would cost to set up a new home together. We researched the rental market, created budgets, tried to convince our parents we were old enough, and began dreaming about where we would live and how perfect life would be once we got married. All the while, the panic attacks increased and started to become a regular feature of our daily lives. They happened at her house, at my house, at coffee shops, at parties, and during church. They happened wherever and whenever, mostly without any warning.

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One happened after a happy night of planning our future lives together. It was very aggressive, and Alison’s body and mind both became completely hysterical. She began pleading with me, ‘You have to break up with me!’ I knew she didn’t really want me to, but she insisted, ‘This is never going to go away – you don’t want to marry someone like this!’ She had so many tears in her voice, I could barely understand what she was saying.

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I tried my best to keep her calm, ‘It will be OK’, I insisted, ‘besides, I don’t care if it doesn’t go away, I want to be with you no matter what happens!’ I tried to argue with her rationally, but it didn’t work. She wasn’t thinking or acting rationally, and my arguments had no hope of getting through. After this and every subsequent attack, I made sure I took the time to remind Alison of my love for her. I used the recovery time to assure her that I would stay by her side regardless, and I would care for her even if the attacks didn’t go away. Yet underneath all this was a firm but misguided belief in my own mind – yes, I would stand by Alison as she struggled with this condition, but surely once we got married, the panic attacks would simply stop.

Anxious beginnings

Hoping it all goes away One of my worst habits is a constant need to come up with escape plans. I have spent many a night wondering how I would escape if a thief or murderer came into my room, or what my exit plan would be if I decided to hold up a bank (which I don’t think I’ll ever get round to doing). Yet, no matter what I’m trying to escape from, my thinking always comes back to one simple phrase, ‘run away’. Inevitably, I started thinking this was the solution for our current problem – get married and run away. I was sure it would fix everything. Leave all our problems behind, and head for the hills. I hadn’t studied psychology or psychiatry, but I still thought this was a good theory. I sincerely believed that the overflowing euphoria of marital bliss would fill our lives, and as we moved out of home, and changed suburbs and careers, we would leave all signs of the panic attacks far behind. I held on to the unhelpful idea (which I think must have come from watching too many movies) that life is perfect in the world of marriage.

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I imagined our future like one of those scenes that is filmed in black and white, and then all of a sudden fills with colour. The sad eyes and dour frowns of the black and white existence turn into joyful smiles and exuberant dancing, as the world is transformed in a wash of bright yellows, soft pinks and bold blues.

After we eventually did get married, my theory about ‘marriage world’ was quickly debunked. Yes, marriage was amazing and so much more than I expected, but it wasn’t perfect. The panic attacks continued, and so we carried on looking for help. We eventually found a psychologist who gave Alison some great help in getting the attacks under control. From these sessions came a number of useful skills to assist with managing the symptoms. Recognising when an attack was coming, challenging negative thoughts, and deep breathing were all encouraged as useful methods to help calm her body and control her emotions.

Now that you are back

Gradually as Alison implemented these techniques, things began to improve. Eventually we could go a whole week without seeing any sign of the panic attacks. Life was getting back on track. We were now married, were renting a small apartment, and were both in full-time work. The future once again, seemed full of promise. What we didn’t realise was the panic attacks were just the beginning of our troubles. The physical symptoms might have been brought under control, but what lay behind the symptoms was far more menacing. The ‘black dog’, as Winston Churchill famously labelled depression, had already begun exposing his fangs, sharpening his claws and preparing for his next strike. The panic attacks had hurt, but we had got back on our feet. However, this next assault was to be a long, drawn-out vicious depression. It would eventually leave us emotionally mutilated, mentally broken and spiritually bleeding. We would be brought to our knees, desperately begging God to have mercy.

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Anxious beginnings