Gender in the New Generation

Modern teens thrive in a place of understanding self-acceptance

By Lorelai Finoch Central Focus Editor-in-Cheif

Senior Max Heckencamp is no stranger to the demanding pull between finding a sense of belonging and being yourself. Even from middle school, the now out and proud nonbinary student had always found themself incapable of finding the balance between who they are and who others want them to be. With the constant game of tug of war a teen plays with their parents and peers, trying desperately to determine their identity, the best people they can turn to are their friends, a support system Heckencamp has relied heavily on since they can remember.

“I’ve always kind of gravitated toward people who are accepting,” Heckencamp said. “[My friends] were very, very accepting, even from the second I started questioning everything. They were so determined to stick with [all these changes].”

While questioning your gender identity can be an incredibly confusing time, having a strong support system of friends and family is incredibly important. Unfortunately, however, even those with supportive friends might still be a ways off from gaining the approval of their family. While Heckencamp’s immediate family has grown to support them, their mom was the most notable adversary.

“I want to preface this by saying my mom is the most understanding, beautiful, amazing person now, but it took her a second to get there,” Heckencamp said. “There was one day that we were in the car and we were just going to go get lunch together. And we don’t know how it started. We got into this fight about [my gender] because I was telling her that sometimes she doesn’t… use the correct name for me or the correct pronouns. I told her that. I need to correct her sometimes. And [she] did not like me using the word ‘correct’. She was like: ‘I am your mother. You do not correct me…where’s your license? Where’s your permit? …look at it. It says that you are a female and it says your name is this and you cannot change that.’”

Heckencamp isn’t the only teen struggling with disapproving parents. Junior Oliver

Seibert has faced the scrutiny of his parent’s since coming out as transgender.

“My coming out journey started by… coming out as bi[sexual]. And she was just kind of like, ‘Oh, okay,’ and that’s not the reaction I really expected…But when I finally told her, ‘Hey, I’m trans,’ she and my dad were not happy, at all. And my dad told me straight to my face: ‘I don’t believe in that and I will not support you,’” Seibert said.

Thankfully, Seibert has also been able to find comfort in the acceptance of his close friends, who all showed immense understanding when he was trying to figure out his pronouns and find a new name, an aspect of questioning your gender identity that varies from person to person.

“I changed my name three times, I think, and it was definitely a process of going through gender identity as well…first, I just changed my name to just plain and simple: Sookie. I was still going by she/her, but then I didn’t feel comfortable with that. So I started going by Ash. And then I flipped to [Oliver],” Seibert said.

For those who question their gender or who don’t identify with their assigned sex and gender, finding a new name is almost always a process, and people may choose to change their name for any variety of reasons, as illustrated by the sophomore Toby Kelly

“My deadname is a combination of my parents’ names,” Kelly said. “And I wanted…to have my own name, and the name I had before, it was very much a girls name. So I was just like, ‘I need something different.’ And it helps me express myself.”

Many use excersize as a form of stress relief, and those who live outside of the gender binary or don’t identify with their assigned gender may employ physical excersize as a way to affirm themselves in their gender. Photo by Aniya Sparrow

From exploring the world of pronouns, finding the name that fits just right, and tackling the disconnects with family, the way you identify is yours to decide, to explore. It’s an aspect of self-discovery that, like the many other ways people explore themselves, cannot and should not be determined by others.

“[Coming to terms with my gender identity] was very, very gradual it took…a very, very long time. But it was kind of just… One day I woke up and I was just like: ‘Why do I care so much about how other people think about me?’” Heckencamp said. “I’m going to go away to college. I’m never going to see them again. And even if I were to see them, why do I care so much what they think about me? It’s not good for me. And I want people to like me for who I really am.”