THE LAST WORD WITH BRIAN MCCUNE

NO THANKS

I’ve had enough sanitiser for one day, says Brian McCune.

BRIAN MCCUNE

Yes, I know it’s supposed to be for my own good but there are two things that have really pissed me off about this pandemic, and that’s sanitisers and sourdough. Thankfully there seems to be a decline in interest in sourdough recipes and social media videos, possibly in direct relation to the easing of lockdown regulations – although personally, I reckon it probably has more to do with the poor management of sourdough mothers and real mothers getting irritated with foaming jars in their kitchens and endless bloody inedible bricks on their tables. Surely, people, now is the time to acknowledge that sourdough is best utilised in low-cost housing.

Sanitisers on the other hand (well, actually on both hands) are everywhere. On a simple shopping trip to the mall, after having washed your hands before leaving home, you are accosted by insane sanitary security toting spray bottles in each hand like a spaghetti western gunslinger shooting in the rough direction of your outstretched palms whilst engaging in agitated conversation with someone waiting to hijack the trolleys of exiting shoppers. Then depending on the size of the store you approach, there is either another sanitary sentry or perhaps a foot-operated bottle on a pole. Usually these suspended sanitisers are either malfunctioning or empty, forcing you to either rub your hands in pretence or take the walk of shame into the store glancing over your shoulder apologetically at quizzical shoppers behind you, a bit like when you are forced to exit a toilet cubicle where the flush doesn’t work.

Five stores in, and you’re on your sixth rub, and popping into the coffee shop for something to distract you from your dry, sticky, smelly mitts only attracts the attention of the sanitiser sommelier and another spray. Now here’s the problem with these sanitisers that have invaded your life: your hands have a cocktail of alcohol-based substances on them, none of which you can possibly identify since they were all dispensed out of unmarked containers. You trust that they include a minimum of 60% alcohol as per health regulations but there’s no branding, no ingredients and the only thing you can be certain of is that they were all sourced from the cheapest possible suppliers – after all, they’re giving it away free! Now you better have an extra cup of strong coffee because your hands are drunk and if the proposed 0% alcohol tolerance legislation for drivers has been promulgated and you come across a road block on the way home then you better not grab hold of the breathalyser unit.

I reckon there’s a missed marketing opportunity here. Never mind the fancy designer waters, let’s have designer sanitisers in different flavours so that we can get our hand cocktails properly blended. Instead of those opaque plastic bottles, let’s have clear ones with tasting notes printed on the back like fine wines. What a perfect Xmas gift would be a flight of designer sanitisers, multi coloured and for different occasions. Full disclosure here, I have already developed my own personal sanitiser with a hint of Tabasco and educational qualities, it not only kills germs but it teaches you not to touch your face and eyes.

ABOUT BRIAN MCCUNE Brian owns the Food Biz, a Cape Town based food consultancy, and instead of working spends his time telling other people how to work. Contact him at www.thefood.biz, foodwizard@iafrica.com, 0824929239