On October 22, the EastSide Food Festival returns to Mack Sennett Studios in Los Feliz, bringing with it several dozen of the most enticing food and beverage vendors in Los Angeles. We’re going to be there (and probably never leave), but we thought the world could use a primer on the talented minds that will be dishing and pouring throughout the fest. In these pages, you’ll find hand-picked food and drink recipes from a variety of vendors set to appear, from Chef Dave & Alexis Woodall’s Breakfast Caesar Salad to Nguyen Tran’s late-night Make-Out Noodles.
BREAKFAST CAESAR SALAD BY CHEF DAVE & ALEXIS WOODALL, RED HERRING “Red Herring fun fact: we make our own bacon (and almost everything else) in-house. So the bacon on this salad is extra special.” Wheat berries Romaine (one head) Raw kale Cherry tomatoes Bacon One egg Red Herring Caesar Dressing (recipe/ingredients included below) Curry powder (We use Vadouvan from Le Sanctuaire) Canola or grapeseed oil Salt
Boil the wheat berries (we recommend spelt) until fully tender in salted water (two teaspoons per quart), then drain, and then dehydrate them in a very low oven overnight (lowest setting possible). When fully dried, heat ½” canola or grapeseed oil in a heavy bottomed pan, to 375 degrees. Add the dried wheat berries to the oil and cover until the popping has stopped (so you don’t get splashed with hot oil). This should take about thirty seconds or so. Drain the wheat berries on paper towels and toss them with salt and curry powder. Toss about two tablespoons per serving into the salad. Next, split and grill small head of romaine (until it chars—thirty seconds to a minute). Chop the romaine and mix with chopped raw kale. Mix the wheat berries in with the romaine and kale, add a handful of sliced cherry tomatoes, and toss in as much Caesar dressing as you’d like. Grill some bacon, poach an egg, et voilà!
CAESAR DRESSING 2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
2 egg yolks
2 egg yolks
1 oz. parmesan
1 oz. whole garlic
1½ teaspoons salt
1½ oz. drained capers
Pinch of cayenne
1½ oz. anchovy fillets
½ cup boiling water
2 oz. parmesan cheese
5½ cups grapeseed oil
¼ cup red wine vinegar
Black pepper to taste
¾ cup Worcestershire sauce 1½ tablespoons hot sauce
In the blender, combine the first group of ingredients and puree until smooth. Transfer the base to the food processor and add the parmesan, salt, cayenne, and egg. Blend to incorporate and then pour in the water, with the machine running, in a steady stream. With the machine still running slowly pour in the grapeseed oil until fully emulsified. Add fresh cracked black pepper to taste and transfer to quart deli cups. Can be kept in the fridge for up to five days.
HUSH PUPPIES WITH CHIPOTLE HONEY BY EXECUTIVE SOUS CHEF PETER MACIAS, SAWYER 1. Combine cornmeal, flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt, onion powder, and garlic powder in mixing bowl.
1 cup cornmeal
1 large egg
1¼ cups AP flour
1 cup buttermilk
¼ teaspoon baking soda
1 bunch scallions, sliced thin
1 tablespoon baking powder
2 garlic cloves, microplaned
2. In a separate bowl, whisk eggs with buttermilk until combined.
1¼ tablespoons kosher salt
½ cup parsley, chopped
3. Add scallions, garlic, parsley, and corn to egg mixture.
½ tablespoon onion powder
1 quart white corn, cleaned
4. Fold wet ingredients into dry ingredients until combined.
½ tablespoon garlic powder
off the cob
5. Using one ounce scoop drop into 375 degree fryer until golden brown.
CHIPOTLE HONEY
TO PREPARE DISH
2 cups honey
Serve hush puppies with chipotle honey and whipped butter.
¼ cup chipotle puree
Mix all ingredients in a bowl until combined. Store in airtight container.
BI-COLOR CANNAWATERMELON GAZPACHO BY JEFFTHE420CHEF 1 small red seedless watermelon, cubed 1 red bell pepper, seeded and deveined 1 small yellow seedless watermelon 1 small yellow bell pepper 2 medium cucumbers, seeded and cubed 12 medium cannabis leaves, chiffonade (sliced into thin ribbons) 10 leaves Thai basil, chopped 2 tablespoons red wine vinegar 2 tablespoons light tasting canna-oil 1 teaspoon Celtic sea salt Garnish with 12 medium cannabis leaves
1. Divide the general ingredients into two equal parts. (You will be making two batches of gazpacho—one red and one yellow.) 2. Place the red watermelon, red pepper, and HALF of the general ingredients into a food processor and pulse until desired consistency. Repeat with the yellow watermelon, yellow pepper, and the remaining general ingredients. 3. To achieve the half and half two-color plating, place a dough scraper or a very wide spatula in the center of the bowl and simultaneously pour the red and yellow gazpacho on either side of the separator. It’s good to have a friend help with this. 4. Garnish with a raw cannabis leaf.
SPICY CABBAGE BY TREVOR ROCCO, THE BLACK CAT 1 head of green cabbage (roughly 2 pounds)—reserve two or three large leaves and wash in cold water
1. 2.
1 tablespoon salt
3.
1 clove of garlic, minced 1 white onion, thinly sliced 1 carrot, grated
4.
2 oz. Marash chili flake 1 glass or ceramic jar (not plastic), washed and sanitized (glass is more fun because you can watch the fermentation process)
5.
1 mixing bowl
6.
1 quart-size Ziploc sandwich bag, filled with water and sealed tight 1 coffee filter large enough to wrap over the opening of your jar 1 rubber band big enough to hold the coffee filter over the top of the jar
7. 8. 9.
Combine all ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Hand-mix for five minutes, gently massaging the cabbage, then let stand for five minutes. Repeat this process three times for a total of thirty minutes. With each mixing, the salt will disperse in the liquid and the cabbage will start to release liquid. After thirty minutes there will be enough liquid released to transfer the mixture and liquid to your jar. Add all ingredients to a glass or ceramic jar, working in batches layer by layer, alternating mixture then pouring over liquid from the bowl. Once all the cabbage mixture and the liquid is transferred to the jar, layer the washed cabbage leaves on top of the mixture and press down until the liquid rises above the leaves. Place the water-filled Ziploc bag on top of the cabbage to weigh it down under the liquid. Cover the jar with a coffee filter and rubber band to allow the gas to escape. If you have a glass lid you’ll need to open it up a couple times a day to burp it! Let sit for five to eight days at room temperature out of direct sunlight. After fermentation is complete, store in refrigerator. You will know that fermentation has begun when you start to see gas bubbles rising up through the cabbage mixture. If allowed to ferment at room temperature, the fermentation process will be complete around eight days, after which time you can store the spicy cabbage in the refrigerator. If fermented in the refrigerator it will take much longer (three to four weeks) to complete the process. Once the bubbles stop and no more liquid is released, then fermentation is complete.
FRITO PIE IN A BAG BY BRIANA VALDEZ, HOMESTATE 3 oz. bag of Fritos 3 oz. brisket chili or vegetarian black beans 1 oz. cheddar cheese
1. Hold bag of Fritos (3 oz.) on its side and cut horizontally to create a bowl. 2. Top the Fritos with brisket chili OR vegetarian black beans.
1 oz. sour cream
3. Layer cheddar cheese overtop chili or beans.
1 oz. pickled red onions
4. Squeeze desired amount of sour cream on mixture.
Pickled jalapeños—as many as desired 1 oz. chopped iceberg lettuce 1 tablespoon diced tomatoes
5. Layer with pickled red onions and jalapeños. 6. Finish with chopped iceberg lettuce and diced tomatoes. 7. Mix it all together and enjoy!
COLD SICHUAN NOODLES BY IVY WEI, FAT DRAGON PHOTO BY JAKOB LAYMAN
“This Chinese dish is comprised of chilled noodles in a spicy, garlicky, and aromatic sauce, with cucumber or blanched bean sprouts added to provide a crunchy texture and a refreshing taste. Also known as Sichuan Liang Mian, they’re known as one of the most famous Szechuan street snacks.”
8 oz. thin round egg noodles 1 Persian cucumber, shredded (or bean sprouts) 2 teaspoons sesame oil or olive oil 1 teaspoon Chinese black vinegar ½ tablespoon sesame paste A small pinch of salt 1 tablespoon light soy sauce 1 tablespoon Szechuan style chili oil ½ tablespoon Szechuan peppercorn oil 3 garlic cloves, smashed 1 tablespoon sugar
Cook the egg noodles in boiling water until soft. Remove the noodles and put into iced water until they’re cold. Drain water and combine the noodles with sesame oil or olive oil. Combine all of the seasoning, stir well, and pour on top of noodles. Mix in cucumber and/or bean sprouts. Mix and enjoy!
SOCAL SIDEWINDER BY PAUL WILCOX, BAR ANGELES “This citrus-forward riff on a classic cocktail features local craft spirits and will be poured exclusively at the 2017 EastSide Food Fest.”
1 oz. Ventura Spirits Strawberry Brandy ¾ oz. Amaro Angeleno bitter liqueur ¾ oz. orange liqueur ½ oz. lemon juice Orange twist
GHOST POOP BY KRISTINE DE LA CRUZ, FRANKIELUCY BAKESHOP (CRÈME CARAMEL LA)
1.
Preheat oven to 250 degrees.
2.
Using the wire whisk on your mixer, whip egg whites and cream of tartar until medium peak, then gradually add sugar while continuously whipping eggs.
Pinch of cream of tartar
3.
Black royal icing (royal icing mixes available at most cake supply shops)
Continue whipping eggs after all sugar is added. Meringue should have a glossy sheen and is ready when mixture has a stiff peak.
4. 5.
Fill pastry bag with meringue mixture and secure open end. Cut pastry bag tip 1” from the end. Pipe 2” diameter Ghost Poops onto pan with parchment paper with at least ¼” spacing between each GP.
Countertop mixer
6.
Place in oven and reduce temperature to 200 degrees. Bake for two hours.
Spatula
7.
Take out of oven and cool.
8.
Make black royal icing according to the package directions. Pipe eyes and mouth.
9.
Stored in an airtight container in a dry area, Ghost Poops are good for two weeks.
4 oz. egg whites 1 cup of confectioner’s sugar
Pastry bag with ¼” plain pastry tip Sheet pan with parchment paper
TIPS: Egg whites should be completely yolk-free. -
Dip back of spoon and lightly touch surface of the meringue to test peak done-ness and check mixture on back of spoon. Medium peak, the meringue mixture will curl back on itself. Stiff peak, the meringue will stand up and not curl.
-
More time in the oven, crispier meringue; less time, chewier.
VEGAN 33% WHOLE WHEAT MUFFIN BATTER BY JOHNNY MURPHY, MIXED COMPANY 200 grams all purpose flour (organic if you can) 100 grams whole grain flour * 170 grams organic granulated sugar ** 290 grams organic brown sugar 240 grams almond milk 150 grams coconut oil 5 grams sea salt *** 310 grams baking soda 10 grams baking powder 20 grams apple cider vinegar 25 grams vanilla paste or flavored extract
1. In a bowl, whisk together all purpose flour, whole grain flour, baking soda, and baking powder, and then set aside. 2. Put coconut oil, sugars, vanilla paste, and salt in the bowl of a stand mixer and beat together on medium speed with paddle for three-to-five minutes. 3. Add ½ of the dry ingredients and mix together on low speed until incorporated. Repeat two more times. On the third and last incorporation, add the apple cider vinegar. Mix until all dry ingredients are incorporated fully. Try your best not to overmix the batter. Some small lumps are actually preferred. 4. Here is the fun part! Now you can make this into whatever muffin you want. Toast or candy some nuts and mix them in. Mix in some small pieces of fruit to make a buckle. Layer with a vegan streusel for a coffee cake. Do not be afraid to try adding whatever you feel like! 5. Experiment and keep notes so you can turn this recipe into your own special version. 6. Bake at 325 degrees for twenty-to-twenty-five minutes or until when you stick a toothpick/ skewer/cake tester/pointy thing in the muffin it comes out clean, not wet. * Fresh-milled whole grain flour provides the best flavor. We use a soft white wheat like Sonora or an ancient grain like spelt. The King’s Roost in Silver Lake is a great place to find whole grain flour. They will mill it on the spot for you! ** Wholesome is a good source for vegan sugars. *** Fine sea salt is what you want for this recipe. If you have coarse sea salt, you can blend to a fine consistency. You can also replace with kosher salt but add two grams to the recipe.
OUR/LOS ANGELES FIG BEES KNEES BY OUR/LOS ANGELES VODKA
Fig honey syrup 1 cup honey 1 cup water 4 figs, chopped
In a pot, add honey and water, and then bring to a boil. Turn heat on low and add figs and cinnamon stick. Let simmer for twenty minutes. Strain and pour syrup into a bottle. Cool to room temperature then refrigerate remaining syrup for up to one week.
1 cinnamon stick
2 oz. Our Los Angeles Vodka ž oz. fig honey syrup ž oz. lemon juice
Add all ingredients to a mixing shaker. Add ice and shake. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass and add a dash of ground cinnamon. Garnish with a fig slice.
HERB ROASTED CHICKEN WITH AVOCADO, SORREL, FETA, AND CANNABIS LEMON VINAIGRETTE
BY LUKE REYES, LA HOJA HERB ROASTED CHICKEN WITH AVOCADO, SORREL, FETA, AND CANNABIS LEMON VINAIGRETTE 1 whole chicken 2 cups THC-infused olive oil 2 whole lemons, zested 3 whole avocados
CANNABIS-INFUSED OLIVE OIL 3½ cups virgin olive oil 1 oz. marijuana, finely ground
Use a coffee grinder to get the best powdery marijuana. Usually you can fit about seven grams in these little grinders at a time and they do a very good job of giving you a fine powder.
4 whole shallots, peeled and julienned 1 quart sorrel, rough chopped 1 cup extra virgin olive oil 1 cup feta cheese, crumbled 1 small bag mixed lettuces
Start by putting the oil in a saucepan and turn up to medium. Do not let the oil reach the boiling point. Once it has heated up, you can add in the marijuana powder.
1 bunch thyme
Let the oil simmer, never letting it boil, and stir constantly. If you see bubbles begin to form in the oil, turn down the heat and remove the mixture from the burner until it cools off a bit. By boiling the mixture, too much THC would be released and you wouldn’t get the desired effect from your oil.
Kosher salt
Continue this for about an hour, possibly two if you have the time. Strain your oil through cheesecloth into a container that you can cap. Be careful to let the oil cool off a bit, as it’ll be extremely hot right off the stove. Also make sure to squeeze the cheesecloth to make sure that you get all of the oil out of it. You now have your marijuana-infused cannabis oil!
1 bunch rosemary Black pepper Dried chili flakes
1. Using pastry brush, spread infused olive oil onto the entire chicken, then rub or pat kosher salt and black pepper onto breast, legs, and thighs of chicken. Place chicken in a large resealable plastic bag. Set open bag in a large bowl, keeping chicken breast side up. Chill for at least eight hours and up to two days. 2. Arrange a rack in upper third of oven; preheat to 500 degrees. Set a wire rack in a large heavy roasting pan. Remove chicken from bag. Pat dry with paper towels (do not rinse). Place chicken, breast side up, on prepared rack. Loosely tie legs together with kitchen twine and tuck wing tips under. Brush chicken all over with some of the olive oil. 3. Roast chicken, brushing again with infused olive oil after fifteen minutes, until skin is light golden brown and taut, about thirty minutes. Reduce oven temperature to 350 degrees. Remove chicken from oven and brush with more oil. Let rest for fifteen-to-twenty minutes. 4. While chicken is resting, pour 1½ cups of infused olive oil into a chilled bowl with lemon juice, and zest along with julienned shallots, whisking in two tablespoons of chili flakes, one cup extra virgin olive oil, and kosher salt to taste. 5. Cut avocados in half, discarding pit, and scoop the flesh out. Cut avocados into ½-inch sized cubes and place in bowl with lemon dressing. Add the sorrel and lettuces and lightly mix. 6. Return chicken to oven; roast, until skin is golden brown and a thermometer inserted into the thickest part of the thigh registers 165 degrees after forty-to-forty-five minutes. Let rest for twenty minutes then carve. 7. Place dressed avocado and greens onto a plate and put carved chicken on top. Sprinkle the feta onto chicken and salad, and lightly spoon any leftover dressing onto chicken.
ZUCCHINI NOODLES
BY PETER MACIAS, KETTLE BLACK
BASIL PESTO 8 cups basil ¼ cup parmesan ½ cup pine nut
1. Place all ingredients in VitaPrep and blend until smooth. 2. Store in airtight container.
4 cloves garlic 3½ cups olive oil 1 tablespoon salt
VEGETABLE BRINE 1 quart filtered water ½ cup sugar ¼ cup salt
Small pinch of citric acid
1. Combine all ingredients in sauce pot and bring to a boil. Once sugar and salt are dissolved, turn off. 2. Pour into container and cool down.
GARLIC BREADCRUMBS 1 cup panko breadcrumbs ¼ cup olive oil ½ tablespoon garlic,
BRINED ZUCCHINI 1½ cups vegetable brine 6 tablespoons lemon juice 1 tablespoon olive oil 1 garlic clove, microplaned 1½ cups zucchini noodles
microplaned
1. Heat olive oil in saute pan, add breadcrumbs and garlic. Cook until golden brown. 2. Add salt and pour into strainer over a bowl. Allow oil to drain and breadcrumbs to cool.
1 teaspoon salt
1. Combine all ingredients in ziplock bag and place in fridge. Allow to marinate twenty-four hours. 2. Drain, and store in airtight container until ready to use. Can be stored in fridge for three days.
TO PREPARE DISH 1. Mix brined zucchini noodles with two tablespoons of pesto. 2. Place dressed noodles in bowl and garnish with garlic bread crumbs, parmesan cheese, and basil.
MAMA PHAN’S EGG ROLLS “This recipe for Vietnamese-style egg rolls comes from Snacky Tunes producer Khuong Phan. Mama Phan became a bit of a legend for this dish, as all of Khuong’s friends growing up would go crazy whenever she made them. He makes them for special occasions, and hopes to make it for his own kids one day.”
BY KHUONG PHAN, SNACKY TUNES [Recipe yields 50 eggrolls] 8 slices of day-old bread 2 cups cooked chicken (diced in small cubes) ½ cup white onions (chopped) ½ cup celery (chopped) ½ cup green peppers (chopped) ½ cup mayonnaise 1 tablespoon kosher salt and dash of pepper 2 eggs (slightly beaten) 1½ cups milk 1 can of cream of mushroom soup ½ can shredded cheddar cheese
1. Cut six of the eight slices of day-old bread into one-inch cubes and set aside. Place ½ of cubes in bottom of 8x8x2 buttered baking dish. 2. Combine chopped chicken, vegetables, mayonnaise, and seasonings, then spoon over cubes. 3. Sprinkle remaining cubes over chicken mixture. Combine eggs and milk and pour over all. 4. Cover and chill for one hour or overnight. 5. Spoon cream of mushroom soup over the top of entire baking dish. Butter the remaining two slices of bread and cut into ½-inch cubes, and then sprinkle on top of the baking dish. 6. Bake in oven at 325 degrees for fifty minutes or until set. 7. Sprinkle cheese over top in the last few minutes and bake until melted. Allow to cool before serving.
THE MASSIMILIANO CROCI PET NAT BY DANIEL FLORES, TABULA RASA BAR “One of our favorite recipes here at the bar is for a wine based cocktail we call the ‘pamplemousse spritz.’ This bubbly concoction is made using a wine-based grapefruit liqueur which we make in house. This recipe will work with most any citrusy wine-based aperitif.”
1½ oz. pamplemousse poured over ice 3 dashes salt tincture
Stir, then top with dry sparkling rosé or any good dry bubbles you have on hand, and garnish with grapefruit twist. The recipe works great with all sorts of combinations of liqueurs, bubbles, and garnishes. Play around and, most importantly, have fun!
MELODY’S MALAKOFFS BY CHEF HUNTER PRITCHETT, MELODY “Think of a Malakoff as a mini, open-faced, fondue sandwich. These little golden brown treasures hail from Switzerland but are as, if not more, delicious enjoyed on a breezy patio in Virgil Village over a few glasses of wine.”
Day-old baguette, sliced into ¼" rounds 1 pound good quality gruyere cheese, grated ¼ cup dry white wine 2 tablespoons all purpose flour 2 garlic cloves 2 eggs Neutral vegetable oil for frying Grater Measuring tools Mixing bowl Spatula Skillet or shallow pot for frying Kitchen thermometer Slotted spoon
For best results, toast baguette slices until slightly crunchy and set aside. Add grated gruyere and all purpose flour to a mixing bowl, then carefully grate the two cloves of garlic over the mixtures and mix gently with clean hands. In a separate bowl, beat eggs and white wine together and add to cheese mixture. Mix the two together until a sticky paste forms and let rest for thirty minutes. Take each slice of baguette and cover the top with the cheese mixture, roughly ½” thick. Press down gently to set it, and then continue for the remaining slices. Add oil to your fryer and heat to 350 degrees. Drop in Malakoffs upsidedown and fry for two minutes on each side. Remove from oil and drain well, allow to cool slightly before eating. Enjoy with tart pickles and spicy mustard.
CAFÉ BIRDIE SEMOLINA MASCARPONE PANCAKES BY RENATA ROKICKI, CAFÉ BIRDIE 1¼ cups semolina flour 1¼ cups all purpose flour 2 teaspoons baking soda 1 teaspoon baking powder ¼ teaspoon sea salt ½ cup brown sugar 3 large eggs 3 cups whole milk ½ cup mascarpone cheese 1 teaspoon vanilla extract Zest of 1 lemon 6 tablespoons butter, melted and cooled Butter for cooking
Combine semolina, all purpose flour, sea salt, and brown sugar in a large bowl. Mix well. In a separate bowl, vigorously whisk eggs, milk, mascarpone cheese, vanilla, lemon zest, and melted butter together. Fold wet ingredients into dry ingredients until batter comes together. It will appear watery but will thicken up overnight. Let batter rest in the refrigerator overnight. Then, to cook: Heat a pat of butter in a cast iron or stainless steel skillet. Pour ¼ cup of batter in the pan. Cook approximately three-to-four minutes until the first side is crispy, then flip and continue to cook for another one-to-two minutes.
AT LAST EDWIN CRUZ, WINSOME
PHOTO BY SKANDIA SHAFER
2 oz. pisco
1. In a shaker, combine pisco, lemon, Matcha, and egg white.
1 oz. fresh-squeezed lemon juice
2. Shake well without ice to homogenize for about fifteen-to-twenty seconds.
1 oz. Matcha Syrup
3. Open shaker, add ice, and shake well for about fifteen-to-twenty seconds.
½ egg white (ž oz. egg whites)
4. Strain into a stemmed glass and allow to settle for ten seconds and place a few drops of angostura bitters over the foam.
MATCHA SYRUP 1. In a small pot, bring one quart of water and the peel of one lemon to a soft boil. 2. Add one quart white sugar. 3. Stir until completely dissolved. 4. Allow to cool for about fifteen minutes. 5. Carefully whisk or immersion blend 3 oz. of high quality Matcha until fully incorporated. 6. Allow to cool fully.
GARLIC NOODLES
(A.K.A. MAKE-OUT NOODLES)
BY NGUYEN TRAN, STARRY KITCHEN / BUTTON MASH “Since our apartment days, we’ve evolved this ‘garlicky’ recipe many times over. Today, we marry it with schmaltz (Yiddish for chicken fat— ya didn’t think I knew that, did ya!), brown butter, and a whole lot more garlicky making-out amazingness.”
11 oz. any kind of dry noodles (spaghetti, linguini, mediumwidth Quon Yick brand noodles—whatever floats your boat. Our latest version uses fresh ramen noodles, which are not easy for most people to find. If you do happen to find fresh ramen noodles or make your own, this recipe works for eight ounces uncooked fresh ramen noodles.) ½ tablespoon brown butter, clarified butter, or regular butter ½ tablespoon chicken fat (schmaltz) (If you can’t find and/ or are too lazy to make schmaltz, double up on the brown butter—it’ll almost be as good.) 1 tablespoon medium-minced garlic
1 teaspoon chicken bouillon 1 teaspoon oyster sauce 1 teaspoon fish sauce 1 teaspoon sugar 2 tablespoons chopped scallions 2 tablespoons fried shallots Black pepper, coarse ground Parmesan cheese, grated, to taste
...CONT
GARLIC NOODLES (A.K.A. MAKE-OUT NOODLES) BALLS-OUT 13¾ pounds any kind of dry noodles 10 tablespoons brown butter 10 tablespoons chicken fat (schmaltz) 1¼ cups medium-minced garlic 6⅔ tablespoons chicken bouillon 6⅔ tablespoons oyster sauce 6⅔ tablespoons fish sauce 6⅔ tablespoons sugar 2½ cups chopped scallions 2½ cups fried shallots
Since we’ve given a very broad choice of noodles above, let’s make this clear: We prefer “al dente” noodles. I don’t know what it is about people who have become so accustomed to overcooked Olive Garden–esque brainwashing about noodles and why people expect al dente at Italian places and not so much at Asian places. Tsk tsk! Get some chew. Get some bite. Chinese people invented noodles before Marco Polo brought ’em back, and it’s now time to reclaim what was originally ours (or “theirs,” since I’m Vietnamese) and not let Italians take all the glory for being OCD about noodles. Bring a pot of water to boil over high heat. Add a pinch of salt. Once the water reaches a rolling boil, throw in noodles. Start a timer to keep track of optimal noodle cooking time. While the noodles cook, prepare an ice-water bath in a large bowl for shocking. (If you’re cooking a small batch of noodles, rinsing them in a colander with cold water is fine, too. Just make sure to run the noodles under water until they cool completely and you can’t feel any warmth in them.)
Stir the cooking noodles often. Get all that starch off of them. If they’re thinner noodles, I would say check around the five-minute mark and every subsequent minute after until you get a good bite on the noodles. Be warned, al dente doneness with many dry noodles leaves the middle looking raw. But who cares what your eyes tell you? What do your mouth and tongue tell you? (Does it taste sexy good? Does it need to cook a little longer? Trust yourself. “Use the force, Luke!”) Once the noodles are cooked to your liking, immediately shock them in the ice water bath for one-to-two minutes. Remove, then transfer to a colander. Quickly rinse off any remaining starch. Add butter and chicken schmaltz to a pan over medium-low heat (don’t burn the butter!). Brown the garlic. Then add bouillon, oyster sauce, fish sauce, and sugar. Mix until the sauce turns a uniform color.
Now increase to medium-high heat and add the noodles, quickly mixing, tossing, flipping your pan a bit (if you’re comfortable with and good at it) to coat noodles using the heat to quickly cook that flavor in so that the color of the sauce permeates every noodle as if the Dark Side of the Force has taken over and no previous Rebel Force colors remain (because the Dark Side in this case is FLAVOR!). Remove from heat and transfer to a plate. Then do that twisty motion with your hands or tongs to make the noodles look like a chef-y, pretty plate o’ noodles. Garnish with chopped scallions, fried shallots, black pepper, and freshly grated parmesan cheese.