Good-Daughter Good-Daughter Syndrome Syndrome

by Laurie Renfro

Syndrome

[sin-drohm, -druhm] noun a set of concurrent things (such as emotions or actions) that characterize a particular identifiable pattern, abnormality or condition

It’s every little girl’s dream to win her mother’s favor Without a doubt, that hope was in me when I first met my mother I remember it like a picture pulled from a camera roll Her face in soft-lens and lips a Fashion Fair pink, my mother bent toward me in the Children’s Home Society receiving room. Somewhere between her smile and her outstretched hands, I grasped the truth of my fortune The exquisite creature before me would be my mother I was nearly four years old and it was love at first sight. But the honeymoon would not last.

My mother was not a bad person She took care of me and she was kind between bouts of aggression. She gave herself to our community. She was the favorite kindergarten teacher to legions of kids; the long-time children’s choir director and special days committee chair at our church; and an avid fundraiser for the NAACP as well as for the service-oriented sorority we now share

But away from the public eye, my mother was critical, disagreeable, controlling and, often, just plain mean And of all the things she found objectionable, I think I topped the list Only those in our inner circle knew this side of my mother, leaving her public image, which she so valued, unscathed.

I spent decades trying to win my mother’s favor Actually her unconditional love Despite and because of my mother’s resistance, I was driven to prove that I was a good daughter and worthy of her choosing Repeatedly, however, our interactions left me feeling harried, hurt and humiliated But I couldn’t stop trying Over the years a pathology developed. A syndrome Well into my forties, I continued to over-perform for my mother and jump to her ever-escalating requests right up to the moment I learned that I had been disinherited. I recognized myself in the tellall book, Mommie Dearest, where author Christina Crawford says:

Legendary actress Joan Crawford, Christina’s adoptive mother, was not as manic as portrayed in the film version but, like my mom, she was grossly unfair, often irrational, sometimes brutal and unpredictably punishing

Good-Daughter Syndrome is an equalopportunity disorder affecting women raised by biological and adoptive mothers alike Written in short-story-like vignettes, Amy Tan’s The Joy Luck Club reveals the hidden pasts of four older Chinese immigrant women and their American biological daughters, and how each of their lives was shaped by their respective mother’s experiences Although the book’s primary theme is the clash of Chinese and American cultures, the quest for maternal favor also surfaces as a theme common to the eight characters telling their stories

In one of the more startling vignettes, AnMei Hsu, one of the founding members of the Joy Luck Club, describes what she witnessed when her estranged mother returned home to honor her own dying mother, despite having been falsely accused, publicly shamed, torn from her children and exiled: “and then I saw her pull up her sleeve and pull out a sharp knife She put this knife on the softest part of her arm I tried to close my eyes but could not. And then my mother cut a piece of meat from her arm my mother took her flesh and put it in the soup She cooked magic in the ancient tradition to try to cure her mother this one last time.”

I’m certain that many with Good-Daughter Syndrome feel that they have given their own “pound of flesh” The abuse and entitlement exercised on a daughter who only seeks her mother’s favor wields power well beyond the moment The effects leave daughters feeling unworthy and deny them what Amy Tan calls life’s “best quality,” as revered by the Joy Luck Club members and most of our mothers >

Havingseenitinmyself,Iusuallycan recognizewomensufferingfromGoodDaughterSyndromewithinthefirstfew conversations.Mostoften,theyaresmart, drivenandaccomplished Theyarealso kind,compassionateandgenerous But thesewonderfulqualitiesareoffsetbya practiceddenialofselfinfavorofunworthy others andbyblindersthatkeepthem fromrecognizingthosewhoonly consume Good-DaughterSyndrome depriveswomenbeyondtheconfinesof themother-daughterrelationshipasa deep-seatedfeelingofunworthiness lingers despitebravado,accomplishment orprovensuccess andinformspresentdaychoicesandbehavior AndI’mwilling tobetthere’samaleversionofthe syndromethatdoesthesame

Womenaroundmyagehaveentered somethingofanewera.Ourmothersare dyingandwearefindingthefreedomto talkaboutthewaystheirlivesimprinted uponourown “Allyoucanbeisyour mother”isthetossed-aroundretortaswe recallthingsfunnyorquirkyorlovelythat weinheritedfromthem Wearealso unearthingsomeofthemoredifficultand tragicexperiencesthatwoundedour mothersandtheirabilitytomotherus.We aredrawingconnectionsbetweenwhat weknowoftheirpaststothewaythey raisedus and,wheneverpossible,giving themthecompassiontheysorelyneeded, butdidn’treceive,waybackwhen.

ThereisnoonewaytocureGood-Daughter Syndromeand,maybe,likeantibodiesthat remainafteraninfection,someremnantsof theafflictionmightneverbecleared But awakeningtotheindicativepatternsishow healingcanbegin.Andfromthere,patterns canbeinterruptedor,asIliketosay,the routinecanbeinterrupted Butbelieveme, it’snoteasy Facingthefactthatyouhave beenabusedbyanyoneistough.But lookingsquarelyatabusebyyourown mother thepersonwhoshouldcherish youthemost canfeellikeafrighteningly impossibletask

WhenIwasachildunknowinglysuffering fromGood-DaughterSyndrome,several specialwomeninmycommunitysawme Withoutalarmingmymother,theyfound waystodemonstratetheirloveformeand toshowtheirconfidenceinme Iam eternallygratefulfortheirencouragement andsupport EachyearwhenMother'sDay comesaround,it'smywishthatevery strugglinggooddaughterwillbetrulyseen bystand-inslikemine Theyaremothers too,whetherornottheyhavechildren,and theyarevitaltosurvivingandovercoming Good-DaughterSyndrome. <