Blood From a Turnip?

You Can’t Get Blood out of a Turnip, but…

A vampire (aka sucker) is born every minute

By Ralph Finch

Do you need an antique bottle of holy water? You could almost get me to drink — I mean sink my teeth into — something that unusual. Even more unusual than all the other odd items that fill the Finch Funhouse.

First, an explanation. Years ago I admitted to having a love affair with Sarah Michelle Gellar, who starred as “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (1997-2003). Thanks to co-workers at the newspaper, I had photos and TV show ephemera all over my desk. (In fact, thanks to Netflix, we were able to rewatch the entire series.)

I have long had an interest in vampire movies and stories, and have a modest library of vampire books. Would you believe, one is a collection of erotic vampire stories? In those stories, you get more than a hickey. If you have a hunger for sex, try 1983’s “The Hunger,” where a love triangle develops between a beautiful-yet-dangerous vampire, played by Catherine Deneuve, and David Bowie and Susan Sarandon.

Now, back to the beginning of this year, when I had a serious — call it grave — interest in Lot 708, described as: “Professor Blomberg, 20th century. Vampire Killing Kit including four stout oak stakes, mallet, ivory cross, a bottle labeled *holy water blessed at St. Ann’s, bottle labeled powdered flowers of garlic, bottle labeled brimstone (sulfur), a large-caliber pistol (Frontier Army .44, made in Belgium), five molded bullets, bullet mold, Common Book of Prayer dated 1772, and a vial labeled new and improved serum. All contained in a 19th-century brass mounted walnut burl box with green baize lined fitted interior.” (*Janet suggests that I could use a drop, or a gallon, of holy water.)

The seller, Ahlers & Ogletree of Atlanta, Ga., described that this lot’s box lid doesn’t close. Estimated at $2,000$4,000, it required an opening bid of $1,000. (Imagine a squeaking noise as the bid opens.)

There is one small problem with this, and similar creations of imaginative craftsmen who create various kits. Some are very elaborate, priced from $150 to $4,500 on eBay and at some auction houses, depending on how fancy (and how elaborate) the sales pitch. Most of them date back to the 1970s! One seller also offers “vampire fang necklace charm,” “werewolf claws,” or a piece of “big-foot hair.”

Some of these kits end up fetching big prices at auction. A few even end up in museums. These kits are often presented as if they were made in the early 19th century, but turn out to be modern creations. A kit may contain one or two genuine artifacts, but as a general rule these “genuine vampire-hunting kits” … well, they bite the big one. On the internet I found several references to “authentic vampire-killing kits,” one attributed to “master craftsman **Prof. Ernst Blomberg of Germany” and said to have sold for $12,000 at Sotheby’s. (**A coincidence? A man named Ernst Blomberg became one of Hitler’s most devoted followers.)

The Royal Armories Museum in Leeds, England, had a vampire kit on display that contained a few older items, such as a pistol from the 1850s, but the kit was a “novelty item” assembled around the 1970s.

So, if you ever buy one of these and think they are real antiques, only one word comes to mind. Sucker! Or, as the Brits might accurately say, You bloody fool!

PHOTOS (clockwise, from top left):

Lot 708, described as “Professor Blomberg, 20th century Vampire Killing Kit. Death to pain? Yep, death is a guarantee to end pain, or your money back. The Royal Armories Museum in Leeds, England, has a not-so-genuine vampire-killing kit. A trade card for Brown’s Iron Bitters ... but why does she have her foot on a bat?