THE ART OF TAKING YOUR OWN ADVICE

THE ART OF TAKING YOUR OWN ADVICE

Words by Mallory Pace

Your friend Lisa has been complaining about her partner Sam more often than usual, and the complaints are starting to sound more and more toxic than the average annoying boyfriend. You decide to tell Lisa that you think she should break up with Sam because you genuinely want what’s best for her and she’s not getting that from Sam. As expected, it’s not taken too well, but at least you’ve finally said it. Then you go home and spam-text the boy you’ve been in a “situationship” for the last several months who only gives you the time of day at his convenience. It’s totally different from Lisa’s situation, you tell yourself, but is it?

It’s one of the oldest sayings in the book, yet one that is seemingly the hardest to master: practicing what you preach. When we’re presented with a situation outside of ourselves, we’re quick to pass off our judgment as advice in hopes it’s well-received and acted upon, but when a similar situation appears in our own lives, we can’t seem to apply the same logic. Why is it so hard to internalize the advice we project? After all, we know ourselves the best, shouldn’t we be able to see the irony in what we’re doing?

We have trouble internalizing the guidance we offer to others because it’s easier to rationalize with our inner turmoil alone. In our heads, we tend to justify our or someone else’s actions toward us rather than surrender to the waving red flags because they don’t always appear red to us, only to everyone else. It’s as if our brains become color-blind to seeing situations for what they are when we don’t want to accept the truth. If we had a bird’s eye view into our own lives, I’m sure most of us would make the hard decisions much earlier. But we can’t always see what’s incredibly obvious to everyone else — which is exactly what makes practicing what you preach a complicated lesson to learn.

We experience a sense of cognitive dissonance when faced with a discrepancy between our beliefs and actions. Deep down, we may know one thing, but our actions portray the opposite. And in trying to rectify this inconsistency, we either change our actions to match our beliefs, or we choose to rationalize our thoughts until they match our behavior.

There’s a tricky path to navigate when it comes to giving advice. If you’re not careful, it can come across as condescending and egotistical, the exact opposite of what you’re aiming for. A rule of thumb I try to practice when someone comes to me with a situation is ask whether they’re looking for comfort or a solution. If they’re not actively seeking advice, don’t offer it — there’s nothing worse than being told how to fix something if that’s not necessarily what you’re looking to get out of a conversation. Sometimes we just want to rant and ramble about a situation without feeling the pressure to rectify it immediately. If you’re constantly pushing solutions every time someone comes to you to simply let off steam, they’ll eventually stop coming to you, and that defeats the purpose of being a friend.

Now if your friend is looking for a solution, choose your words wisely. Give them advice in the way you would want it to be given to you. Does that mean they’re going to follow it? Not necessarily, but advice isn’t always about what one needs or should be done; it’s about considering alternative perspectives until you’re able to come up with a solution on your own.

Advice, no matter your underlying intentions, is not always well-received.

We’ve all been on both sides of the conversation, but what we may be failing to recognize is that while giving advice gets easier, receiving it almost never does. But why is that?

We may push against accepting advice out of stubbornness or reluctance to accept the reality of a situation. Sometimes our egos take over and decide that we know what’s best and the other person has no clue what they’re talking about. And as we know, egos are stubborn. It can be hard to admit that someone else knows what’s best for you because that might mean you don’t, and that’s unsettling. We all want to feel in control of ourselves and the situations we come across, but we become more blinded to the truth when no one’s around to point it out. Hearing what we’re trying to avoid makes it real.

Advice is like supporting evidence: you try to collect as much as you can from different sources containing diverse, contradicting opinions and ways of thinking. Some are reliable and some aren’t, but you use it all to come to a conclusion on what to do next based on what you’ve gathered. No one individual’s piece of advice should determine your end-all-be-all, but rather as a collective means for denying or confirming what you thought to be true all along. Perhaps by changing our perspective on the purpose of advice, it might become less intimidating to accept a harsh reality.

Sometimes practicing what you preach can be as simple as telling someone they should drink more water as you’re downing your third coffee. Other times it’s more complex, like someone telling you to be more grateful after listening to them complain all day. You don’t have to give yourself a reality check every time you’re asked for advice, but before you make any judgments or assert any directives onto someone else, make sure to note whether you’re guilty of the same crime. But just because you’re in need of advice in your own life, doesn’t mean you don’t have something to offer.

We seek opinions and suggestions when faced with a crossroad, but hearing something that contradicts your own beliefs and feelings can elicit our fight or flight mode, leaving a choice of reacting either defensively or avoidantly.

Some people find that emphasizing the idea of practicing what you preach might not be all that profound as it potentially gives way to hypocrisy and self-disappointment. In a way, this holds some truth. But hypocrisy more closely aligns with another common phrase that I never quite understood: “Do as I say, not as I do.” That’s just about the most sanctimonious thing I’ve ever heard;

Why would I listen to what you have to say when you’re telling me you do the opposite? That’s blatant hypocrisy, and I try not to subscribe to that philosophy of thinking.

There’s also an argument that the saying should be reversed: only preach what you practice. This of course makes complete sense — to avoid hypocrisy, you should refrain from spewing advice that you also could benefit from. But to practice what you preach holds a deeper perspective in bettering yourself as a person, partner and friend. When it becomes a conscious thought in your day-to-day life, you learn self-awareness and metacognition, which allows you to analyze and understand your own ways of thinking.

By learning how to take your own advice, you learn to trust yourself. The guidance you offer to others shouldn’t end at your lips but, instead, be taken a step further and turned inward. As you learn to internalize the message and intention you’re aiming to give someone else, you can begin to build a strong foundation of identity and morality. When you give someone advice, it’s because you want what’s best for them. So if you apply the same logic to your own life and way of thinking, the perspective shifts.

[Allow me to preach a piece of advice that I’ve never practiced (but hopefully will now), the next time you’re faced with a problem. Try shifting the perspective as if it were your best friend going through it. Take everything you think and feel about the situation, including the behaviors shown, and try writing a letter or an email expressing your concern. Write it out in the way that you would if it was actually going to them with the goal that they will listen, understand and hopefully take your advice in the end. It doesn’t mean you may come to a conclusion with your own problem, but shifting the perspective on it allows you to see some things more clearly.]

Practicing what you preach is less about hypocrisy and more about trusting yourself to make the right decisions. It’s certainly easier said than done, but it’s about growing as a person. There’s a world of self-awareness to be discovered, which can be uncomfortable at times, but it’s something you must practice and consciously choose to act on. It’s a skill to be mastered, an ideal to be fostered and an art to be crafted.