12/21/16 DRINK 2016: Trail of Excess

2 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 21-27, 2016

DECEMBER 21-27, 2016 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 3

THIS WEEK //12.21-12.27.16// VOL. 29 ISSUE 38 COVER STORY

DRINK 2016 [12] Get to know the friendly neighborhood WATERING HOLES throughout Northeast Florida and Southeast Georgia

THE TRAIL OF EXCESS

[14]

Debaucheries abound on a trip down THE A1A COCKTAIL TRAIL

STORY BY SIR RYAN “THE BESOTTED”

ALCOHOLICS UNANIMOUS [17]

Folio Weekly celebrates 20th-century writers who made LITERARY HISTORY through booze-soaked destiny — or vice versa

STORY BY DANIEL A. BROWN

FEATURED F EATURED ARTICLES

COMMON COREY

[9]

BY A.G. GANCARSKI INSIDER POLITICS thwart the will of the voters again

FULL-TILT DOWN MEMORY LANE

[10]

BY MARY MAGUIRE PINBALL MUSEUM opens in Fernandina Beach

THE CROSS OF OBAMA [39]

BY ERIC M. MONGAR SR. “Obama was also crucified by the media throughout the entirety of his tenure in the White House, although his was probably slightly less painful than that of Jesus.”

COLUMNS + CALENDARS FROM THE EDITOR 5 OUR PICKS 6 MAIL 8 FIGHTIN’ WORDS/JAG CITY 9 NEWS 10 MUSIC 19

FILM ARTS LIVE MUSIC CALENDAR DINING DIRECTORY CHEFFED-UP PINT-SIZED

22 23 27 30 31 32

BITE-SIZED PETS CROSSWORD/ASTRO WEIRD/I SAW U CLASSIFIEDS BACKPAGE

DISTRIBUTION

Bobby Pendexter / cosmicdistributions@gmail.com PUBLISHER • Sam Taylor sam@folioweekly.com / 904.860.2465

EDITORIAL EDITOR • Claire Goforth claire@folioweekly.com / ext. 115 SENIOR EDITOR • Marlene Dryden mdryden@folioweekly.com / ext. 131 A&E EDITOR • Daniel A. Brown dbrown@folioweekly.com / ext. 128 CARTOONIST • Tom Tomorrow CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Rob Brezsny, John E. Citrone, Josue Cruz, Julie Delegal, Susan Cooper Eastman, Marvin Edwards, A.G. Gancarski, Dan Hudak, Shelton Hull, MaryAnn Johanson, Mary Maguire, Keith Marks, Pat McLeod, Nick McGregor, Greg Parlier, Kara Pound, Dale Ratermann, Nikki Sanders, Matthew B. Shaw, Chuck Shepherd, Brentley Stead, Chef Bill Thompson, Marc Wisdom VIDEOGRAPHERS • Doug Lewis, Ron Perry, Carl Rosen

DESIGN ART DIRECTOR • Chaz Bäck cback@folioweekly.com / ext. 116 GRAPHIC DESIGNER • Madison Gross madisong@folioweekly.com GRAPHIC DESIGNER • Ellyn McDonald ellynm@folioweekly.com

BUSINESS & ADMINISTRATION BUSINESS MANAGER • Nancy Zarling fpiadmin@folioweekly.com / ext. 119

4 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 21-27, 2016

33 34 36 37 38 39

GET SOCIAL visit us online at

FOLIOWEEKLY.COM

ADVERTISING PUBLISHER Sam Taylor staylor@folioweekly.com / (904) 860-2465 SENIOR ACCOUNT MANAGER Kathrin Lancelle klancelle@folioweekly.com / ext 124 MULTIMEDIA ACCOUNT MANAGERS CJ Allen callen@folioweekly.com / ext 140 Lauren McPherson laurenm@folioweekly.com / ext 130 John Seifert john@folioweekly.com / ext 125 Teresa Spencer teresa@folioweekly.com / ext 151 Kristen Holcolmb kristen@folioweekly.com / ext 155 Mariah Bäck mariah@folioweekly.com / ext 147 FOLIO WEEKLY MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED EVERY WEDNESDAY THROUGHOUT NORTHEAST FLORIDA. It contains opinions of contributing writers that are not necessarily the opinion of this publication.

Folio Weekly Magazine welcomes editorial and photographic contributions. Calendar information must be received two weeks in advance of event date.

Copyright © Folio Publishing, Inc. 2016. All rights reserved. Advertising rates and information are available on request. An advertiser purchases right of publication only. One free issue copy per person.

Additional copies and back issues are $1 each at the office or $4 by U.S. mail, based on availability.

First Class mail subscriptions are $48 for 13 weeks, $96 for 26 weeks and $189 for 52 weeks. Please recycle Folio Weekly.

Folio Weekly Magazine is printed on 100% recycled paper using soy-based inks.

thefolioweekly

@folioweekly

@folioweekly

Mobile App

For the best in Live Music, Arts, Sports, Food and Nightlife, download our DOJAX Mobile App by texting “Folio” to 77948

45 West Bay Street, Suite 103 Jacksonville, Florida 32202 PHONE 904.260.9770 FAX 904.260.9773

FROM THE EDITOR MOST CREATURES GOVERNED BY REASON agree that the Earth is getting hot, hot, hot and, unless we find The Cure, beachfront property in Arizona isn’t going to just be the lyrics of a classic country song. Yet inexplicably, the debate about global warming or, if you prefer the term coined to placate peeps freezing their asses off in Michigan, climate change continues. Northeast Floridian disbelievers better hope that future generations can evolve like Kevin Costner’s character in Waterworld, ’cause unless you’ve got fins, much of the region is going to be inhabitable. So long, St. Augustine, it’s been real.

Some call it a hoax, others says it’s a naturally occurring warming trend, still others believe that humans will be able to reverse or manage it with another of our marvelous feats of engineering. (We may first want to tackle that continent of plastic in the Pacific but, hey, our species is gold-star good at multitasking, so keep on trucking on that climate change conundrum, engineers and scientists.)

But for argument’s sake, let’s pretend that climate change is neither a) manmade nor b) real.

(For the record, it is manmade and real, really, really real, the real-est.)

If climate change ain’t no big thang, the argument goes, then there is no reason to curb our consumption of fossil fuels, right? Well, yes and no. While new technology has enabled us to tap into oil reserves that were previously believed inaccessible, extending the available supply for decades, perhaps longer, fossil fuels are a nonrenewable resource, which means no matter how much we have, it’ll never be enough.

Eventually we will run out.

With demand growing as people continue breeding their brains out and developing nations become increasingly hooked on fossil fuels, we are accelerating toward a time when those fuels will become scarce. When this happens, many believe civil society will descend into anarchy and global war will erupt over the remaining supply. So, unless living in a post-apocalyptic dystopian society is your idea of a honking good time, perhaps we should look into alternative sources of energy and try to minimize our reliance on fossil fuels now, while there’s still time.

Then there are the pesky matters of the risks that come along with finding and extracting these fuels, i.e., drilling, fracking, mountaintop removal mining, seismic airgun blasting, etc. Have you ever seen an abandoned oil field or a mountain after its top has been stripped bare and sliced off to get to the coal inside? Hello, wasteland. It’s like a Gunslinger novel or, if you prefer the shittiest remake of all time, Mad Max: Fury Road.

As to fracking, the cutesy nickname for hydraulic fracturing, the process wherein chemical-mixed-water is injected into the earth at extremely high pressure, there’s a reason why towns, states and even entire countries have banned it. Seems folks don’t like being able to light their tap water on fire. Contamination from fracking has made its way into drinking water, hence dishwater flambé.

Though fracking is not directly causing dramatic increases in seismic activity (earthquakes, yo), oil and gas extraction, including fracking, is. See, extracting oil and gas produces billions of gallons of wastewater, which is then injected deep into the earth.

According to the U.S. Geological Survey, this causes earthquakes, lots and lots of earthquakes. From 1973-’08, the central and eastern U.S. averaged 21 magnitude three or larger/stronger earthquakes annually; from ’09-’12, the region averaged 99 annually and, in 2014 alone, there were 659.

Ooh, and remember the 2010 BP oil spill in the Gulf? More than three million barrels of crude spewed into the water in what is (so far) the worst oil spill in history. It’s estimated that hundreds of thousands of seabirds perished, the shrimping industry went from vibrant to a complete standstill, and indigenous aquatic and coastal wildlife was and still is being immeasurably impacted, possibly for years to come.

For those of you who care naught for species other than ours, not only did the fishing industry evaporate overnight, the tourism industry did, too, which was murder on economies along the thousand miles of coastline where oil washed up from the spill.

To put the size of the spill into context: If as many miles of the Atlantic coastline were affected, half of the United States’ Eastern Seaboard would be coated in crude. How long would it take you to eat Mayport shrimp after that? How many months would pass before you could go surfing? Or fishing? Or take a walk on the beach? Lest you forget, oil wouldn’t just coat our beaches; it would travel up rivers like the St. Johns along with the tide, killing wildlife, becoming an eyesore and significantly impacting our ability to enjoy the river.

On a related note, seismic airgun blasting, which some want to do in the Atlantic to look for oil and gas, can make whales deaf (Oceana writes “a deaf whale is a dead whale”) and harm and displace all sorts of sea life, including sea turtles, dolphins and fish stocks that provide sustenance for many in coastal communities.

Now, let’s think about the air. Today, nearly two dozen cities in China may as well be the City of Angels aka Los Smogeles circa 1992, because they’re covered in such thick blankets of smog that on some days planes can’t land, which is great if surgical facemasks are your thing, not so great for the rest of us.

Air pollution, largely caused by burning fossil fuels, may contribute to up to 4,400 deaths every single day in China, a 2015 study by Berkeley Earth found.

So, if climate change isn’t real (but it is), we still have plenty of reasons to curb our reliance on fossil fuels: namely the earth, water, air, wildlife, human life, the economy, oh, and avoiding that post-apocalyptic dystopian society for as long as possible.

Claire Goforth claire@folioweekly.com

THE GREATEST

HOAX OF ALL

What if climate change ISN’T REAL?

DECEMBER 21-27, 2016 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 5

FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS CHABAD CHANUKAH

TUE

27

Rabbi Nochum Kurinsky of Chabad at the Beaches is known for offering programming that is holy, hip and always inclusive, including Torah classes, kids’ fun activities, and even guest speakers explaining the Jewish mystical system of the Kabbalah.

Come join the hundreds of others who traditionally celebrate the annual community Chanukah tradition, featuring live music, a craft and fun fair, giant menorah lighting, traditional foods, and oodles of entertaining stuff for the kids. 5-7:30 p.m. Tuesday, Dec. 27, Ponte Vedra Cultural Center, chanukahwonderland.com.

OUR PICKS SEASONAL STAGE A STARRY NIGHT AT THE RITZ

Jacksonville Centre of the Arts and host Kamari Saxon present this night of Christmas music along with guest performers including Clifton Oliver (Kinky Boots, Motown The Musical), Damien Lamar (inset, The Groove Coalition) and singer/songwriter and psalmist, JuQuan Vickers (inset). 7 p.m.

Thursday, Dec. 22, The Ritz Theatre & Museum, Downtown, $27 reserved seating; $17 general admission, jacksonvillecentreofthearts.org.

THU

22

REASONS TO LEAVE THE HOUSE THIS WEEK

OH, THE HOLIDAY DRAMA! IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE: A LIVE RADIO PLAY Apex Theatre Studio and director Ian Mairs present a “live” radio broadcast of the 1946 holiday classic, about idealistic George Bailey and what transpires the night he contemplates suicide. The cast features alumni from Apex Theatre Studio’s Summer Musical Theater program who are currently enrolled in some of the most prestigious theater programs in the nation, including Florida State University, University of Florida and New York University. 8 p.m.

Thursday, Dec. 22, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall, $25, pvconcerthall.com.

THU

22

HOLY MOLY! COTTON PATCH GOSPEL

SAT

24

The 1981 faith-based musical, Cotton Patch Gospel, was a collaboration between playwrights Tom Key and Russell Treyz, with original lyrics and music penned by Harry Chapin right before Chapin’s tragic death at age 38. Set squarely in the heart of modern-day, rural Georgia, the musical interprets the teachings of the Gospel of Matthew and converts them into a winning, musical odyssey.

7:30 p.m. Thursday, Dec. 22 and Friday, Dec. 23, Limelight Theatre, St. Augustine, $15; through Dec. 31, limelight-theatre.org.

PIGSKIN PROMENADE

THU

22 6 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 21-27, 2016

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS VS TENNESSEE TITANS While denial gets a bad rap as the cunning refutation of subjective

reality, i.e., addiction, a cheating partner, Trump not winning the presidency, thinking you should wear hot-pink yoga pants to church, etc., it can also help us believe that the Jacksonville Jaguars are a stellar football team before which the pigskin nation genuflects. However, there’s always hope; as well as slapping on more greasy, clotty slabs of denial! While the cats, at press time, are at 2-11, maybe they’ll trounce the Titans (7-6). Did we mention you can swim in a pool and watch a big Jumbotron TV? How ’bout them Jags? 1 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 24, EverBank Field, Downtown, $40-$332, ticketmaster.com.

DECEMBER 21-27, 2016 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 7

THE MAIL MAN V. VOTING MACHINE

SCREW THE LITTLE GUY

RE.: “Amazon’s Satanic Warehouse,” by David Jaffee, Nov. 30 JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I ENJOYED the article on the Amazon warehouse. Great to see a growing job market, but sad to see how employers treat the lil guy. It’s not just the warehouse biz that treats employees like trash.

Look at the various companies where there are phone banks. Get off the script and, BAM, fired. Or, matter of fact, any other job. I’ve been employed where you get a few that love to stab their fellow coworkers in the back just to make themselves look good and keep their jobs. Fear in the eyes of management all the way down to the worker ants. Last but not least, as one friend says, you go work your butt off, get a good education and still end up in a dead-end job. Job growth?

Yep, same old, same old. You don’t like it, quit, as there is someone that’ll take your place. Those waiting in line have been fired or quit another one of those jobs.

Al Ogrizovich via email

CONDOMS AS SEATBELTS

RE.: “Too Much Is Never Enough,” by Claire Goforth, Dec. 7 SORRY, BUT I AM NOT IMPOSING MY MORALITY on anyone else. My view of HIV and AIDS is just like my view on not wearing a seatbelt while driving a car! The difference, however, is that when I don’t wear a seatbelt, I am only affecting myself.

Peter Kenny via email

FOR THOSE OF US THAT WERE AGHAST AT the Trump victory, we need to consider election fraud. I realize mentioning fraud seems to most like sour grapes or the winner/whiner schoolyard continuum, but hear me out. The voting machine contract went to Diebold, the maker of most ATM machines and a reliably Republican-leaning corporation. Those machines have a proprietary operating system effectively shielding them from oversight. We as Americans expect fairness and voting integrity and we should, but is that what we’ve been getting? Consider the voter suppression act of North Carolina just overruled in August that targeted minority voters with “surgical precision.” The 35 years the Republican Party was monitored for documented voter intimidation.

Consider Florida’s voter suppression that unfairly put 92,000 black voters on the felon list under Jeb Bush’s governorship by searching for felons countrywide with similar names. On and on.

Consider solutions chasing a voting problem that doesn’t exist. Why? The answer is simple: a party’s money and power.

Trump’s presidency and the Republican move to deregulate America is an industry windfall allowing for profitability without accountability.

Climate change regulations are not in dispute, they are costly, either environmentally or financially. American business lives from quarter to quarter, not with long-term global livability.

Regulations are there to protect Americans from adverse effects, not to bankrupt business interests. The Trump presidency would throw open the doors to the 21st-century Robber Barons, special interests like the energy sector, agribusiness, insurance, pharmacy, Wall Street.

We must remember lobbyists are not there for fairness, but for favor.

While it is good advertising worldwide to market the “peaceful transition of power,” we need to keep our eyes open. “Trust but verify” are President Reagan’s words. I find that instructive, and that goes for elections as well.

Gilbert Mayers via email

LEND YOUR VOICE If you’d like to respond to something you read in the pages of Folio Weekly Magazine, please send an email (with your name, address, and phone number for verification purposes only) to mail@folioweekly.com, visit us at folioweekly.com, or follow us on Twitter or Facebook (@folioweekly) and join the conversation.

BRICKBATS + BOUQUETS BOUQUETS TO HOOSHANG ORIENTAL RUG GALLERY For more than three decades, this iconic Avondale spot has spread joy and cheer with its front window display of nutcrackers during the holidays. In 2012, the owner, Hooshang Harvesf, lovingly known by some as the Mayor of Avondale, told the T-U that he bought his first two nutcrackers in 1978; since then he’s acquired several hundred – too many to showcase at one time. Today the display is the site of an annual pilgrimage for many who share Harvesf’s fondness for the iron-jawed icons.

BOUQUETS TO THE LAW OFFICE OF JOHN M. PHILLIPS On Dec. 16, the law firm hosted its fifth Toys for Tots benefit at its Ortega office. Revelers at the event, billed as “the most inclusive party in town,” enjoyed snow, sledding, singing and dancing, as well as visits by Jaxson de Ville, Santa, an elf on stilts, and scads of local notables. The firm reports on Facebook that about 300 to 400 people were there, collecting a few vanloads of toys together worth more than $10,000, making this – yet again – one of the largest Toys for Tots benefits in the region.

BOUQUETS TO ST. JOHNS TECHNICAL HIGH SCHOOL Students from the school’s Academies of Coastal & Water Resources and Culinary Arts recently collected more than 50 gallons of used oil at their inaugural Used Cooking Oil Collection Day. Though the oils can be used to create biodiesel or in compost, much of it ends up in the water system or landfill, costing taxpayers millions and polluting our environment. But they’re not done yet: The students will participate in another drive on Jan. 4, 7:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m. at Francis Field in St. Augustine and St. Johns County Utilities Wastewater Treatment Plant on Anastasia Island.

DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO DESERVES A BOUQUET? HOW ABOUT A BRICKBAT? Send submissions to mail@folioweekly.com; 50 word maximum, concerning a person, place, or topic of local interest.

8 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 21-27, 2016

FOLIO VOICES : FIGHTIN’ WORDS

COMMON COREY

Insider politics THWART THE WILL of the voters again

LAST WEEK, IN A COVER STORY THAT ALMOST certainly will be a collector’s item, I discussed the stories you’ll be looking out for in 2017. The pension reform debate, the shakiness of our legislative delegations and the HRO process were the three that word count allowed.

However, even as the ink dried on that print run, another story popped off last week that is worth mentioning.

Angela Corey is still on the public payroll.

People in the Fourth Judicial Circuit — specifically, the kinds of people who vote in August GOP primaries — thought they were getting rid of Corey just because she got thrashed by Melissa Nelson.

Wrong! You can’t simply get rid of Corey with a vote.

Corey will move from the state attorney’s office to the Clay County Sheriff ’s Office, pausing to open Christmas presents and light New Year’s Eve fireworks along the way. She’s going to serve the new Clay sheriff, Darryl Daniels, as legal advisor.

This move was discussed by the insiders for weeks; Daniels never saw fit to confirm it when I called the Clay Sheriff ’s Office, though, preferring instead to send out a press release that was so amateurishly written, I had to read it twice to make sure it wasn’t magnetic poetry.

Our editor, Claire Goforth, excerpted the best quotations from the press release sent out last week by Team Daniels.

“Corey will train the staff on a variety of issues such as constitutional law as well as proper execution of legal search warrants, arrest warrants and probable cause,” asserted the release, which offered a Daniels quote, which has one relevant section I have boldfaced for emphasis.

“Ms. Corey is the subject matter expert when it comes to the application of the law and conveying that to law enforcement. I do not want innocent people treated like criminals and have their freedoms removed by someone misapplying the law. I have hired the most tenured person with the expertise to provide knowledge and training to the Clay County Sheriff ’s Office.”

What does it mean to have “innocent people treated like criminals,” for one thing?

An argument can be made that daily life in 21st-century America evolves with each passing technological advance toward presumption of guilt. There are no meaningful checks on surveillance, electronically or otherwise.

And freedoms? I’m old enough to remember when people weren’t felt up as a precondition to getting on a plane.

Freedoms are arbitrary. And getting more arbitrary all the time.

And Corey’s rep was never for “protecting freedom.” It was always about boosting conviction and clearance statistics.

Those with inside knowledge note, with a sense of irony, that Folio Weekly had its role in getting Corey a few more months on the public payroll.

A cover story we ran in 2016, “Strip Search,” covering a Clay sheriff candidate who may have gone to a strip club, could have helped get Daniels elected … thus securing Corey’s position (and ability to get a few more months for DROP purposes, perhaps).

Whether that cover story sto was a factor or not no is a question to be left for the pollsters.

However, Corey’s tenure — even if it ends ten in April — in Green Cove Co Springs raises an interesting question. in How will the Clay sheriff work with new sh State Sta Attorney Melissa Nelson?

What happens if Ne there th is, say, an excessive force for claim, or if an officer kills a suspect during a stop gone bad? du We know how those situations went with sit Corey Co in office.

Will there be pressure, whether in pr the th press or in a sub rosa ro way, on Nelson to be similarly uncritical of LEOs? Corey’s hire in Clay County is a provocative move.

It speaks to the m institutional power she has amassed over the years, one shown by the endorsements from every establishment Republican in Northeast Florida during her failed reelection campaign.

Were those endorsements full-throated?

Some more than others.

Jacksonville Sheriff Mike Williams invested political capital by appearing in a Corey ad.

Rep. John Rutherford pissed off a potential big donor, Peter Rummell, by extolling Corey at a fundraising event at Rummell’s manse.

The result: Rummell, a Nelson backer who hosted that fundraiser in the summer, didn’t give Rutherford money until October.

Mayor Lenny Curry also endorsed Corey, but didn’t exactly put his thumb on the scale.

The mayor was busy selling the pension reform referendum.

And his political team was cutting Corey off at the knees, driving the narrative in the state attorney’s race, aided and abetted by a media exhausted and outraged by the way Corey treated the press throughout her time in office.

Voting Corey out was a ritual purging for many, including people who became Republicans solely to vote her out.

The bright side of all this: at least she’s not Duval’s or Nassau’s problem now.

In the immortal words of Meatloaf, two out of three ain’t bad.

A.G. Gancarski mail@folioweekly.com Twitter/AGGancarski

JAG J AG CITY Bradley fired after the Jags do their USUAL THING … lose

THE GUS BUS HAS

CRASHED

ONCE D ONCE ON DECEMBER ECEM EC EMBE EM BER BE R RO ROLL ROLLS LLS LL S AR AROU AROUND, OUND OU ND,, EV ND EVER EVERY ERY ER Y Jaguars fan should be used to disappointment.

Even with a two-score lead on Sunday, between beers the whispers were, “We’re going to lose.”

And lose they did. In a game where the defense played as well as we expected all season and a kickoff was returned for a touchdown for the first time since 2007, the offense looked like a junior varsity squad trying to make the big boy team.

But, disappointed and slightly buzzed fans did walk away with one victory Sunday … Head Coach Gus Bradley was fired after the game.

Bradley has one of the worst records in NFL history, a pathetic 14-48. New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick, to put in perspective, has had 48 losses since 2003. In fact, Belichick would have to lose every game for the next 41 seasons to match Bradley’s win percentage.

No doubt Bradley is a nice guy and his players speak highly of him. I’ve conversed with him multiple times and he’s always been a wonderful person, but at day’s end, he couldn’t help the team win and that’s what cost him his job.

Owner Shahid Khan’s statement on Bradley’s release signals general manager Dave Caldwell might have at least one more year with the organization. Khan said Caldwell will be tasked with hiring a new coach.

For now, assistant coach Doug Marrone has been named interim head coach.

Will Bradley’s release be the “cure-all” for a struggling team? Likely not. Much in the same way a change in offensive coordinators was made earlier this season, it’s just one of many steps on the road to recovery.

Caldwell himself is on the hot seat, but next on most fans’ hit list is quarterback Blake Bortles.

Once again, during the loss to the Texans, Bortles failed to move the ball effectively and helped blow a 12-point lead.

Some seem to think Bortles will magically become a more mechanically sound passer under a new coach. Let’s be realistic: A new head coach isn’t going to fix him.

He’ll likely remain the starter this year and probably have a shot at the job next year under a new coach, but how can he possibly be the team’s franchise quarterback?

The few times I’ve seen Bortles throw a spiral are when he’s rifling it so hard his guys can’t make a play on it. His footwork is a mess, his arm motion has regressed, he can’t read coverages (hence the interceptions) and he throws a tantrum each time something bad happens.

No coach can correct those problems and no coach at NFL level should have to.

Beyond Bortles, many have pointed a blaming finger at Caldwell. Despite a few solid draft picks (looking at you, Ramsey), he’s also had a series of duds – including Bortles and Bradley.

So what’s next?

Well, prepare to celebrate the holidays with a pair of divisional losses on Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day. Then, the rebuild continues.

While it looks like this won’t be a complete rebuild, as Caldwell may still be employed, it’s certainly not where anyone expected to be going into this season.

As Jaguars fans, we’ll have to fall back on the old motto: “There’s always next year.”

Mark Judson mail@folioweekly.com @MarkfromJax DECEMBER 21-27, 2016 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 9

FOLIO COMMUNITY : NEWS

photo by Mary Maguire

Tim Trickett

FULLT ILT DOWN MEMORY LANE

PINBALL MUSEUM opens in Fernandina Beach THE PINBALL GAME RESCUE 911 THUMPS with heart-racing music and large-scale emergencies: wildfires, flashfloods, robberies and hostage situations. On a recent Friday night at the new Fernandina Beach Pinball Museum, the game, which is based on a popular TV show whose heyday was more than 25 years ago, throws a monumental situation at a boy about 12 years old, who is controlling the flippers: a wife in labor.

“Are you OK?” asks ‘dispatch’ through the sub-woofer, while sirens scream and flashing lights animate the playfield, industry parlance for the game board under the glass-topped cabinet. The boy and his friend laugh.

Pinball is an unpredictable game in which steel balls hit bump(er)s in the road, and it’s likely the young players did not anticipate such a scenario when they arrived at the arcade for a night of retro recreation.

And yet, as comical as the game has become, it is important for them to maintain focus. In pinball, the goal is to rack up points by keeping the ball in play.

The pinball arcade officially opened Nov. 17 and the boys working their way around the game room less than 24 hours later have the place to themselves, though word is spreading; by December, players will often be shoulder-to-shoulder as the room pulses with bells, whistles, music and excitement.

The machines are lined up against opposing walls; if the boys stick to the floor plan, they’ll next play a deceptively simplelooking baseball game designed in the 1950s that moves players around the field when the ball drops into a hole marking a hit or home run. A top-mounted lever controls the flipper, which serves as the bat, and because the timing is slower than the side-buttons found on contemporary machines, the balls quickly drain.

Though it’s not a loud or sophisticated machine (the baseball players are simple cut-out figures, paper doll-like, and the field 10 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 21-27, 2016

is not a diamond but a circle), the game is engrossing and surprisingly competitive.

Still, when the opposing player is up by more than 10 runs, moving on to another pinball machine seems like a good idea. The Simpsons pinball machine with Homer, Bart and many more of the TV cartoon’s colorful characters, awaits.

Most of the arcade’s 18 pinball machines, which date from 1952 to 2015, are based on popular TV shows or blockbuster movies.

Twilight Zone, Maverick and The Addams Family, a 1991 release that’s the industry’s best-selling game of all time, are part of the lineup. Yes, Wizard! is here. The game, inspired by the 1975 movie Tommy, a musical fantasy based on The Who’s rock opera album about a young pinball wizard, sits between Al’s Garage Band Goes on a World Tour and Black Rose, where the goal is to sink pirate ships.

Signs placed at each machine announce the year of release, manufacturer and designer.

According to the sign over Wizard!, the machine was first sold in 1974.

Arcade owner Tim Trickett says pinball machines were often made as promotional items to boost box office ticket sales for new movies. “You’ve seen how McDonald’s does movie tie-ins, right?” he said. “Pinball is part of that. A big movie gets a big game because it gets people excited.”

Trickett, 68, who operates the arcade at Sadler Square shopping center with his son Jeremy, 36, capitalizes on pinball’s connection to the cinema in the arcade’s lobby, where movie posters announce games as “Now Playing” and those on the way as “Coming Soon.” According to signs, Pirates of the Caribbean is the next acquisition.

“If you’ve noticed, we’re playing off a pirate theme,” he said.

The company logo is a pirate, à la Captain Jack Sparrow, surfing a curled blue wave atop a pinball machine. “Come ride the pinball WAVE,” is the company’s working tagline. It

is an appropriate niche for an arcade in a city where pirates historically pulled into port and contemporary clubs of swashbucklers and wenches promote good cheer at community events and fundraisers.

Trickett bought his first pinball machine about two-and-a-half years ago at a local secondhand shop and then went on a buying spree, searching the Internet for used games.

He doesn’t want to say how much he has spent on machines, but The Addams Family pinball game sells for more than $6,000 on some websites. After filling his house and garage with pinball machines, Trickett decided to put the machines to work, citing practical reasons.

“The games need to be played to operate efficiently,” said Trickett, a retired mechanical engineer who knows his way around the inner workings of each machine and easily removes a backbox to display the mechanics and explain repairs. “They can’t sit idle, so why not let other people enjoy them?” he asked.

Trickett often enlists his wife Jessie to help staff the arcade and he’s hung a couple of Jeremy’s paintings in the bathroom. Before moving to Fernandina Beach, Jeremy worked as an artist in Chicago, covering canvases in an abstract style, using intense red and blue paint. Admittedly, the game room could use some color. The arcade occupies space previously used by an insurance company and the décor remains office-beige.

Players don’t seem to mind the bland surroundings, however. Once the plunger is pulled, the pinball machine claims full attention. Randy Linville, who splits his time between Fernandina Beach and Atlanta and is at the arcade with his wife Laurie and teenage daughter Jennie, says the games are fast and exciting. “I have no idea what I’m doing but I’m having fun,” he said.

As closing time nears, there are about a dozen players lingering at machines and everyone looks sorry to go. Jennie, 15, says she isn’t a pinball player or video gamer, but would like to come back and bring a couple of friends.

Don’t bring quarters. They’re not accepted for play at the pinball museum, which may

be a bummer for players seeking the full-tilt experience of their youth in the 1980s and 1990s when the machines, at their peak of popularity, required coins to release the silver balls and pull the plunger.

Still, the coinless approach is convenient.

The arcade offers one-price unlimited play, based on age and number of users. It’s advantageous not to worry about making change when your concentration is needed at the Addams Family mansion where the secret bookcase holds hidden treasure: a multi-ball bonus point playing frenzy and opportunity to make the envious threeinitial screen announcement that you have mastered the game.

Trickett calls pinball a “beloved” American pastime. On the arcade website (fbpinball. com) he says: “Many of us baby boomers recall happy times playing these machines for a quarter back in the 1950s and ’60s. We spent hours trying to hone our skills and get those high scores … . Today you can relive some of that past.”

Julie Connor, 53, remembers. “When I was young, we had a game room that my friends and I used to go to all the time in Jacksonville,” she said with a wistful look around the room. “My favorite was Galactic.”

“Galaxy,” Jeremy interjected, temporarily distracted from playing Space Jam, his favorite game.

“That’s right, Galaxy,” said Connor, who wasn’t playing because she had takeout waiting at the Luck Wok restaurant next door.

“I didn’t know this was here. Wow.” Trickett says the arcade is available for party rentals and even hosted a bachelor party immediately following the grand opening. “It was older guys who remembered playing these games when they were growing up,” he said.

While pinball was popular decades ago, the game traces its history back to 1700s France, when Louis XIV and crowds of aristocrats played a table game with balls and pins, known as bagatelle. Trickett says pinball has always had a loyal following and he is eager to share the game’s history, including pinball’s ban from the 1940s through the 1970s in major U.S. cities such as New York, Los Angeles and Chicago. “They thought it was gambling,” said Trickett, who admits that sometimes money was exchanged. (On the website, he calls it “cash prizes.”) When the ban was overturned in court, pinball became known as a game for young rebels, he says.

Today, just one company still manufactures pinball games. That’s Stern Pinball in the Chicago suburbs, where factory workers assemble several thousand parts, largely by hand. The International Flipper Pinball Association promotes the game, primarily through tournament play.

The Fernandina Beach Pinball Museum is planning to participate in tournaments where official scores can be registered for state, national and even international recognition.

But competitive points aren’t the reason people should play pinball, says Trickett, adding that he got hooked for a simple reason: “Pinball is fun.”

Mary Maguire mail@folioweekly.com _____________________________________ Fernandina Beach Pinball Museum, 2106 Sadler Rd., 435-8424, fbpinball.com

DECEMBER 21-27, 2016 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 11

Join us for DRINK 2016 and get to know the friendly neighborhood WATERING HOLES throughout Northeast Florida and Southeast Georgia ALSO IN THIS ISSUE: THE TRAIL OF EXCESS • PG. 14 Debaucheries abound on a trip down THE A1A COCKTAIL TRAIL

STORY BY SIR RYAN “THE BESOTTED”

ALCOHOLICS UNANIMOUS • PG. 17

Folio Weekly celebrates 20th-century writers who made LITERARY HISTORY through booze-soaked destiny — or vice versa

STORY BY DANIEL A. BROWN

AMELIA ISLAND, FERNANDINA BEACH & YULEE CIAO ITALIAN BISTRO 302 Centre St., 206-4311, ciaobistro-luca.com Fine Italian bistro fare. Beer, wine. Specialty drink: Prosecco Natale — Prosecco, elderflower essence, a dash of pear juice, splash of citrus, sprinkle of basil.

THE CRAB TRAP 31 N. Second St., 261-4749, ameliacrabtrap.com Fresh local seafood, steaks. Specialty drink: Signature cocktails.

KARIBREW BREW PUB & GRUB 27 Third St. N., 277-5269, cafekaribo.com Beers, spirits, pub food. Specialty drink: Black & Stormy — black rum, ginger beer, a bit of lemon and sage.

THE SALTY PELICAN BAR & GRILL 12 N. Front St., 277-3811, thesaltypelicanamelia.com Local seafood, Mayport shrimp. Specialty drink: Pete’s Cable Car — sweet-and-sour iteration of the Sidecar, spiked with rum and Grand Marnier and a sugar rim.

THE SURF RESTAURANT & BAR 3199 S. Fletcher Ave., 261-5711, thesurfonline.com Seafood, steaks, nightly specials. Specialty drink: Beers on tap.

AVONDALE & ORTEGA HARPOON LOUIE’S 4070 Herschel St., Ste. 8, 389-5631,

12 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 21-27, 2016

harpoonlouies.net Locally-owned-and-operated American pub; burgers, fish sandwiches. Specialty drink: Anything Cold.

SOUTH KITCHEN & SPIRITS 3638 Park St., 475-2362 12 taps, 20 cans, domestic, local, imports. Specialty drink: Ice Pick — Hanger 1 Buddha’s Hand vodka, double-strength tea, lemonade.

BEACHES AL’S PIZZA 303 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 249-0002, alspizza.com New York-style and gourmet pizzas. Full bar, beers on tap.

AZURÉA 1 Ocean Blvd., AB, 249-7402, oneoceanresort.com Oceanfront dining. Extensive wine list. Specialty drink: Smoke On The Rye — Redemption rye whiskey, cardamom bitters and a bourbon-apple reduction topped with toasted lemon twist.

BO’S CORAL REEF 201 Fifth Ave. N., Jax Beach, 246-9874, bosclub.com Specialty drink: The Hot Jorge — in-house creation combines muddled jalapeno and mint with watermelon vodka and a sugar rim.

ENGINE 15 BREWING CO. 1500 Beach Blvd., Ste. 217, JB, 249-2337, engine15.com Gastropub fare. Craft beers. Specialty drink: Any Brew Flight.

FLASK & CANNON 528 First Ave. N., JB, flaskandcannon.com Specialty drink: What The Dickens? — cognac, pineapple-infused rum, Velvet Falernum, bitters and fresh passionfruit syrup. Victorian decorum in a glass.

FLYING IGUANA TAQUERIA & TEQUILA BAR 207 Atlantic Blvd., NB, 853-5680, flyingiguana.com Latin American, Southwestern-influenced fare.

Specialty drink: House Above the Clouds — Ron Zacapa 23 rum, housemade ancho chili syrup, Fee Brothers orange bitters.

GINGER’S PLACE 304 Third St. S., JB, 249-8711 Specialty drink: The Rocket Bomb — Smirnoff Ice with a shot glass of Blue Curaçao and raspberry vodka dropped inside, topped with a touch of grenadine.

GREEN ROOM BREWING 228 Third St. N., JB, 201-9283, greenroombrewing.com Specialty drink: Quetzalcoatl — imperial red with notes of cassava root, chocolate, poblano and serrano peppers.

HARMONIOUS MONKS 320 First St. N., JB, 372-0815, harmoniousmonks.net American-style steakhouse. Specialty drink: Naked Pear — melon liqueur, pear vodka, sweet-and-sour mix, Sprite, and a splash of pineapple.

HOPTINGER BIER GARDEN & SAUSAGE HOUSE 333 First St. N., JB, 222-0796, hoptinger.com

Modern “Baverican” bier garden. 62 craft beer taps.

Specialty drink: Hopslinger — St. Augustine Gin, citrus, maple, cherry bitters, Grand Marnier, and a splash of soda.

MEZZA RESTAURANT & BAR 110 First St., NB, 249-5573, mezzarestaurantandbar.com Near-the-ocean eatery; casual bistro fare. Specialty drink: Basil Grapefruit Martini — fresh basil, simple syrup, Square basil vodka and grapefruit juice.

OCEAN 60 RESTAURANT, WINE BAR & MARTINI ROOM 60 Ocean Blvd., AB, 247-0060, ocean60.com Continental cuisine, fresh seafood. Specialty drink: The Butterfinger Martini — vanilla vodka, white Godiva chocolate, Frangelico, Half & Half and crushed Butterfinger.

PETE’S BAR 117 First St., NB, 249-9158 Beaches institution. Specialty drink: Inexpensive cold beers, full bar.

POE’S TAVERN 363 Atlantic Blvd., AB, 241-7637, poestavern.com American gastropub. 50-plus beers, hamburgers, fish tacosl. Specialty drink: Moscow Mule — Reyka vodka, fresh limes and Gosling’s Ginger Beer, stirred in copper.

RAGTIME TAVERN & SEAFOOD GRILL 207 Atlantic Blvd., AB, 241-7877, ragtimetavern.com Seafood; blackened snapper, Ragtime shrimp.

Specialty drink: Atlantic Beach Lemonade — freshsqueezed lemonade and vodka, along with a few extra ingredients.

THE SHIM SHAM ROOM 333 First St. N., Ste. 150, JB, 372-0781, shimshamroom.com Seasonal bar bites. Specialty drink: The Pisco Sour — Pisco Porton, lemon juice for sour, a little syrup for sweet, and velvety egg whites to coat the palate.

SLIDERS SEAFOOD GRILLE & OYSTER BAR 218 First St., NB, 246-0881, slidersseafoodgrille.com Seafood; fish tacos, gumbo, Key lime pie. Specialty drink: The Beach Cruiser — rum, pineapple, orange juice, grenadine and ginger ale.

THE WINE BAR 320 N. First St., JB, 372-0211, thewinebar.us Wine, beer, appetizers, cigars. Specialty drink: Pincho — Argentina’s best-selling white wines, with just enough soda water to make it fizzly-licious.

ZETA BREWING COMPANY 131 First Ave. N., JB, 372-0727, zetabrewing.com Tapas, flats, burgers. Specialty drink: Zangria — banana liqueur, peach schnapps, agave nectar, a splash of Sprite, and Pinot Noir.

DOWNTOWN, SPRINGFIELD & NORTHSIDE 1904 MUSIC HALL 19 N. Ocean St., 1904musichall.com Extensive beer and wine selections.

BAY STREET BAR & GRILL 119 E. Bay St., 419-3550, baystreetbarandgrill.com Specialty drink: Tully on the Rocks (Tullamore Dew over ice).

THE CANDY APPLE CAFÉ & COCKTAILS 400 N. Hogan St., 353-9717, thecandyapplecafe.com Specialty drink: Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookie — creamy concoction from Sweet Pete’s confectioners, Don Q rum, peanut butter almond milk, housemade sea-salt caramel, Godiva chocolate liqueur and a tasty chocolate coin.

DOS GATOS COCKTAILS & MARTINI LOUNGE 123 E. Forsyth St., 354-0666, dosgatosjax.com

Kitchen on San Marco’s casual atmosphere is the perfect match for powerhouse food and drink menus focused on all things fresh, local and out-of-this-world delicious.

Specialty drink: The Edinburgh — muddled lemon, lime, orange and basil, Glenlivet 12 and elderflower liqueur.

ELEMENT BISTRO & CRAFT BAR / MYTH NIGHTCLUB 333 E. Bay St., 438-5173, elementjax.com Local crafts on tap. Specialty drink: Bay Street Julep — Old Forester Classic 86, fresh-squeezed lemon juice, house-made simple syrup, and fresh mint; garnished.

HOURGLASS PUB 345 E. Bay St., hourglasspub.com Specialty drink: Black Widow — MacKenzie’s black cherry hard cider mixed with Green Room Brewing’s Count Shak-u-la Stout.

INDOCHINE 21 E. Adams St., Ste. 200, 598-5303 1974 San Marco Blvd., 503-7013, indochinejax.com Thai, Southeast Asian cuisine. Specialty drink: Dark ’N’ Stormy — bottom layer of ginger beer with lime, combined with Kraken Black Spiced Rum in a tall glass.

INTUITION ALE WORKS TAPROOM 929 E. Bay St., 683-7720, intuitionaleworks.com Specialty drink: Easy on the Eyes IPA — crisp, lowABV session IPA with a hoppy, floral flavor.

MARK’S DOWNTOWN NIGHTCLUB 315 E. Bay St., 355-5099, marksjax.com Specialty drink: Sidecar Named Desire — freshly squeezed lemon, Courvoisier, Tuaca (honey vanilla citrus liqueur), shaken with ice, in a martini glass, with half-sugar rim and a lemon twist.

MAVERICKS LIVE 2 Independent Dr., Jax Landing, 356-1110, mavericksatthelanding.com Specialty drink: AUCDD (All You Can Drink Drafts).

THE VOLSTEAD 115 W. Adams St., 414-3171, thevolsteadjax.com Specialty drink: Baked Apple Sazerac — combination of apple, absinth and cinnamon.

ZODIAC BAR & GRILL 120 W. Adams St., 354-8283, thezodiacbarandgrill.com Mediterranean/American fare. Specialty drink: Zodiac Punch — four fruity flavors of Cîroc Vodka – peach, pineapple, coconut and berry – with orange, pineapple and cranberry juice in a tall glass.

MANDARIN & JULINGTON CHEERS SPORTS BAR & GRILL 11475 San Jose Blvd., 262-4337 Specialty drink: Johnny Vegas Bomb — Patron Silver, watermelon Schnapps and Red Bull concoction.

DON JUAN’S MEXICAN RESTAURANT 12373 San Jose Blvd., 268-8722, donjuansjax.com Specialty drink: Agave Nectar Margarita — organic agave nectar and fresh lime juice splashed on the rocks with Partida Blanco.

ENZA’S ITALIAN RESTAURANT 10601 San Jose Blvd., Ste. 109, 268-4458, enzas.net Italian cuisine, veal, seafood. Specialty drink: Tolloy Pinot Grigio, white wine.

HURRICANE GRILL & WINGS 3055 C.R. 210, Ste. 101, 230-6445 12795 San Jose Blvd., 260-8338 Specialty drink: The Hurricane Category 5 — two shots of rum, orange and pineapple juice, grenadine and a 151-proof floater.

PICASSO’S PIZZERIA 10503 San Jose Blvd., 880-0811, jaxpicassos.com Gourmet pizza, calzones. Specialty drink: Wildewood Pinot Noir.

UPTOWN KITCHEN & BAR 1303 Main St. N., 355-0734, uptownmarketjax.com Farm-to-table, daily specials. Specialty drink: Houseinfused Spicy Margarita — tequila, datil peppers and Carolina Reaper, rum-soaked strawberries.

ORANGE PARK & FLEMING ISLAND CHEERS BAR & GRILL 1580 Wells Rd., 269-4855 Specialty drink: Vegas Bomb — Patron Silver and watermelon schnapps, energy liquid.

THE HILLTOP 2030 Wells Rd., 272-5959, hilltop-club.com Fine Southern-inflected dining. Specialty drink: Bourbon on the Rocks.

THE ROADHOUSE 231 Blanding Blvd., 264-0611, roadhouseonline.net Wings, burgers, 75-plus imported beers. Live music.

Specialty drink: Tooty Fruity Cindy Shooty — grape vodka and fruit juice.

WHITEY’S FISH CAMP 2032 C.R. 220, 269-4198, whiteysfishcamp.com Gator tail, freshwater catfish. Specialty drink: The Blue Gator — fruity mix of vodka, Blue Curaçao, pineapple, orange slice garnish.

RIVERSIDE, FIVE POINTS & MURRAY HILL ALEWIFE CRAFT BEER BOTTLESHOP & TASTING ROOM 1035 Park St., 575-4951, alewifebottleshop.com Specialty drink: Beer Flights — Smoked Peach Short Weisse, Lagunitas Born Yesterday, Avery’s Old Jubilation and Founders Breakfast Stout.

BIRDIES FIVE POINTS 1044 Park St., 356-4444, birdiesfivepoints.com Specialty drink: A Golden Girl (Rose, Blanche, Sophia, Dorothy) — base is Stiegl’s Grapefruit Radler, paired with a liqueur with a splash of soda water.

BLACK SHEEP RESTAURANT 1534 Oak St., 380-3091, blacksheep5points.com New American fare. Specialty drink: The Dusty Boot — Buffalo Trace bourbon, Jerry Thomas bitters and the juices of lemon and lime, rim of smoked sea salt and cracked black pepper.

BOLD CITY BREWERY’S TAPROOM 2670 Rosselle St., 379-6551, boldcitybrewery.com Specialty drink: Barrel-aged Roxy — Imperial Cream Ale, poured from the nitro tap in the brewery’s taproom.

BREW FIVE POINTS 1024 Park St., 374-5789, brewfivepoints.com [ CONTINUED ON PG. 15 ] DECEMBER 21-27, 2016 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 13

Odd Birds on Charlotte Street in St. Augustine may be a newer kid on the block, but it’s fast becoming a local fave for its cozy, speakeasy vibe and a unique, inventive drink menu.

THE TRAIL OF

EXCESS

Debaucheries abound on a trip down the A1A COCKTAIL TRAIL

I

14 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 21-27, 2016

tb began ega gan n wi with th a beer beer. It en ende ended d d with my associate standing drunken and bareassed in the damp salty night, swaying and howling on the edge of the ocean, babbling meaningless abuses at some unseen presence across the water.

I was in the backseat of the car, trying to convince our driver that a police presence would only further aggravate the screaming lab-ape now wading through the water, that our best option was to wait — wait for the drink or the drugs or divine intervention to safely subdue the raving brute just long enough for some leg-irons, zip-ties and a ball gag to be safely administered.

For Boris, the booze and hallucinogens were like jet fuel on a structure fire. His mind had melted and, thus, proper precautions had to be observed.

The course of events leading to this fateful night started more than two months prior, with the discovery of a press release for something called the A1A Cocktail Trail.

A smart, co-promotional marketing ploy drummed up by The Florida Department of Citrus, St. Augustine Distillery and the Visitors & Convention Bureau for St. Augustine, Ponte Vedra & The Beaches.

Described as a trail of bars and restaurants serving original cocktails featuring farm-fresh Florida citrus and spirits from the St. Augustine Distillery, it was a monument to free enterprise and

grassroots grassroo ots entrepreneurship. ent n repreneu urs rship Naturally, Natur ural allly I was drawn to its more nefarious undertones of excess and debauchery.

After all, it’s essentially 30 miles — from St. Augustine to Neptune Beach — of bars and booze and oh-so-many startlements.

According to the press release, the trail consists of eight bars total, all of which offer a passport booklet and a stamp for each successful order and consumption of any cocktail consisting of fresh Florida juice and St. Augustine liquor. At the end, you can take your stamped passport to the distillery for a free T-shirt and a branded wooden coaster set.

Of course, along with the press release came a wave of critics and puritanical outrage, some denouncing the trail as an irresponsible marketing campaign promoting drunk driving and imminent death at the hands of some degenerate hood, fresh off a 10-hour liquor jag.

Kara Pound, director of communications for St. Augustine Distillery and co-developer of the trail, denied any notion that the distillery is promoting over-consumption and other morally reprehensible acts.

According to Pound, “We absolutely promote drinking responsibly … We do not suggest that people attempt to do the entire trail in one day, and that they take their time with it.”

Immediately I called up Boris, a young Russian expat and my close associate,

eventually convincing him to head down to Jacksonville with the promise of hard liquor and lust-mad American women. Of course, the second part was pure invention, but I needed a loyal co-conspirator for the trip.

As you can guess, we didn’t take Pound’s advice. After all, this was to be a veritable grand tour of the local drinking culture, an epic experiment in medically inadvisable quantities of booze and vice.

Boris arrived at my place Saturday morning. Something of an intellectual vagrant, he’s highly educated but a pauper by choice. Built like a stevedore, he’s rotund, rough and resembles an unshaved sack of flour with his shirt off.

Around noon, we took our first Uber to St. Augustine. It’s advisable that one refrain, as much as possible, from driving in the historic district. After all, it’s hard enough negotiating the streets and crosswalks sober. Doing so with booze on the brain is just asking for police and problems, like closed-casket funerals.

We reached A1A Ale Works by early afternoon. Located at 1 King Street in a stucco Colonial-era market building, it’s a multilevel restaurant and pub with an exceptional view of Matanzas Bay. We started with beer — many beers. Too many to count. The Porpoise Point IPA was an easy drinker, and the 6 percent ABV helped.

My thirst for the hops is a formidable one.

Next, we ordered a few Moscow mules made with the fabled St. Augustine vodka, the way God intended.

Given Boris’ ethnicity, he’s surprisingly not much of a vodka drinker, preferring American whiskey.

From there, we waddled a few blocks down to The Floridian, a popular haunt for locals and tourists alike. Again, the same ritual. One beer. Then another. Then another.

Then an upgrade to the $10 cocktails. A brief retreat to the latrine and then back to the bar for a couple more; we operated with a cool, regimented efficiency.

By the time we stumbled out, we were proper pissed, by civilized standards.

Our last stop, before a hasty retreat to the north, was a little gastropub called Odd

CONTINUED NEXT PAGE >>>

Atlantic Beach’s Ragtime Tavern is a Northeast Florida classic featuring delectable hometown eats and house brews like First Coast IPA and Winters Nip Bock.

Specialty drink: Hipster Speedball — four ounces of cold brew made from PT’s coffee (Topeka, Kansas), 12 ounces of Intuition’s King Street Stout in a pint glass.

HOBNOB FOOD & SOCIAL EXCHANGE 220 Riverside Ave., Ste. 110, 513-4272, hobnobwithus.com New Unity Plaza spot; four cocktails on draft.

Specialty drink: Unitiki Plaza — Light rum, dark rum, spiced rum, amaretto, cognac, allspice dram, lime juice, pineapple juice, orange bitters.

IL DESCO • 2665 Park St., 290-6711, ildescojax.com Specialty drink: The Daiquiri – made with Zaya Gran Reserva 12-year-old rum, fresh-squeezed lime juice and housemade pineapple syrup (sweetened with Sugar in the Raw).

RAIN DOGS. 1045 Park St., Riverside, 379-4969 Specialty drink: A revolving selection of $2 cans – Old Milwaukee, Miller High Life, Genesee Cream Ale. RESTAURANT ORSAY 3630 Park St., 381-0909, restaurantorsay.com French/Southern American bistro. Specialty drink: Crucial Taunt — Flor de cana rum, housemade Thai chili-infused Aperol, pineapple-ginger shrub (a drinking vinegar), lime juice, lime wedge, Thai-chili pepper.

ST. AUGUSTINE ANCIENT CITY BREWING 3420 Agricultural Center Dr., Ste. 8, 429-9654, ancientcitybrewing.com Specialty drink: Beer Tasting Flights.

BARLEY REPUBLIC IRISH PUBLIC HOUSE & RESTAURANT 48 Spanish St., 547-2023, barleyrepublicph.com Burgers, Irish faves. Specialty drink: Naughty Aussie — Kookaburra coffee, Irish crème and Cruzan vanilla rum over ice.

GYPSY CAB COMPANY 828 Anastasia Blvd., 824-8244, gypsycab.com Urban cuisine. Specialty drink: $3 Margarita.

MARDI GRAS SPORTS BAR 123 San Marco Ave., 347-3288, mardibar.com Sports bar fare. Specialty drink: Florida Afternoon Storm — The Kracken black spiced rum, Barritt’s ginger beer, lime juice, lime wedge.

ODD BIRDS • 33 Charlotte St., 679-4933 Specialty drink: The Canario – Old Forrester bourbon, Falernum (a syrupy almond liqueur), housemade ginger-turmeric syrup and Angostura bitters, served shaken with crushed ice and a lemon peel clothespinned to the rim of the glass.

RENDEZVOUS RESTAURANT 106 St. George St., 824-1090 200 beers from around the world, rotating drafts.

Specialty drink: Kasteel Rouge — 8-percent, sweet blend of sophisticated quadruple Kasteel Donker and black cherry liqueur.

SANGRIAS WINE & PIANO BAR 35 Hypolita St., 827-1947 Specialty drink: The Matanzas — a mix of two

other house sangrias, garnished with a mix of blackberries, raspberries, blueberries and strawberries, cinnamon apples.

SAN MARCO, ST. NICHOLAS & SOUTHBANK BISTRO AIX 1440 San Marco Blvd., 398-1949, bistrox.com Wood-fired oven-baked/grilled pizza, steaks, seafood. Specialty drink: Double Secret Probation Cocktail — Bourbon, Branca Menta, in-house clove syrup, freshly muddled rosemary and lime, ginger beer, and black walnut bitters.

HAMBURGER MARY’S BAR & GRILLE 3333 Beach Blvd., Ste. 1, 551-2048, hamburgermarys.com Wings, entrées, gourmet burgers. Specialty drink: 44-Ounce Martini.

KITCHEN ON SAN MARCO 1402 San Marco Blvd., 396-2344, kitchenonsanmarco.com Gastropub. Local and national craft beers, specialty cocktails. Specialty drink: Dirty South — Carve vodka, bleu cheese olive, pickled okra.

SIDECAR 1406 Hendricks Ave., 527-8990, drinksidecar.com Specialty drink: A $6 Classic — Vesper, Manhattan, Negroni, Old-Fashioned, etc.

SOUTHSIDE & BAYMEADOWS BELLA VITA 3825 Baymeadows Rd., 646-1370, bellavitajax.com Specialty drink: Tiramisu Martini – Absolut vanilla vodka, Kahlua and crème de cocoa.

MOXIE KITCHEN + COCKTAILS 4972 Big Island Dr., 998-9744, moxiefl.com Contemporary American cuisine. Specialty drink: The Rhumbie — Añejo rum, Drambuie, Turbinado sugar, aromatic bitters and fresh pineapple/lime juice.

TAVERNA YAMAS 9753 Deer Lake Ct., 854-0426, tavernayamas.com Greek fare. Specialty drink: Iced Tea — Crown Royal, Captain Morgan, Coca-Cola and apples.

TIME OUT SPORTS GRILL 13799 Beach Blvd., Ste. 5, 223-6999, timeoutsportsgrill.com Pizzas, wings, wraps. Specialty drink: Garden Mule — muddled cucumber, citrus vodka, ginger beer, and a lime garnish.

VETERANS UNITED CRAFT BREWERY 8999 Western Way, Ste. 104, 253-3326, vubrew.com Specialty drink: Scout Dog 44 Amber Ale – caramel malt with a perfect pinch of noble hot bitterness.

WICKED BARLEY BREWING COMPANY 4100 Baymeadows Rd., 379-7077, wickedbarley.com Brewing to fill 20 taps. 100 yearly test batches.

Specialty drink: Drink Me CPA — Copper pale ale, 4.9 percent ABV, dry hopped with more than three pounds of hops per barrel.

DECEMBER 21-27, 2016 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 15

THE TRAIL OF

EXCESS

<<< FROM PREVIOUS

Birds at 33 Charlotte Street. It was late afternoon and the happy hour crowd was in fevered ebullition.

As we sloshed our way over, I saw Boris lean over and pull something out of his side pocket. It was a pill bottle. The label had been torn off and it contained a chemical potpourri of little wonders.

“What’s the meaning of that?” I asked, pointing to the bottle.

“Oh, just some hardcore drugs,” Boris slurred. “Mostly LSD with some ketamine, MDMA and maybe some Seconal capsules sprinkled here and there. I can’t really remember which is which, though. Want one?”

“Sweet Jesus!” I hissed. “The last thing I need right now is to drop some high-test acid and spend the next 12 hours shrieking and weeping under the gaze of some sadistic god.

“Perhaps next time. Besides, isn’t Seconal used for euthanasia?”

“Probably,” said my associate. “But I’m not too worried. I got these from a chemist. He really knows his shit.”

Quickly, he fished out four acid tabs, unfolded them, and placed them on his tongue with ludicrous circumspection.

Kick back at the bright and lively A1A Ale Works across from the Bridge of Lions in St. Augustine and enjoy Caribbean, Cuban and Florida influence and a happy hour that locals and visitors rave about.

16 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 21-27, 2016

“You never know when those scumsucking narcs may be watching. Vultures! The whole lot of ’em,” Boris snarled.

He had maybe an hour before the initial effects kicked in, and another two before all rhyme and reason deserted him. We had to get moving, and fast, if we were going to pass as simple drunkards and nothing more.

We arrived at Odd Birds around 5 p.m. It’s a small, cozy place, a hipster stronghold by any account and a righteous den of sedition. It fills up quickly with the thirsty and sinful, so get there early if you value a seat. Behind the bar, mustachioed mixologists conjured magic. We drank heartily and with greed.

There but 30 minutes, I noticed Boris glaring balefully at a woman down the counter. There was nothing particularly interesting about her. Long chestnut-brown hair, dark eyes and a fine little shape.

“You OK?” I asked.

His eyes were swollen and red, his face a contorted mess.

“Melissa!” he bellowed.

Melissa was his ex. A good-looking girl, but a manipulative and jealous wench; she was a practicing sociopath.

“Jesus Christ,” I said. “Pull it together, man. You’re a borderline depressive with a headful of acid right now. If you don’t channel some positivity, you’re gonna have a nightmare on your hands.”

CONTINUED NEXT PAGE >>>

ALCOHOLICS

UNANIMOUS

Folio Weekly celebrates 20th-century writers who made LITERARY HISTORY through booze-soaked destiny — or vice versa

A

B

C

D

E

F

G

H

L

et’s face it: Anyone who willingly sits staring at a blank page for hours at a time might need to get country-drunk now and again. Whether it’s a cliché, cautionary tale or clearly laid course, the story of the alcoholic writer is as old as the hangover itself.

Many a booze-sotted biography offers anecdotes of now-mythical writers forever searching for their literary muse while rifling through their kitchen cabinets, toilet tanks and footwear for an elusive snort of whiskey, in a wet-brained psychosis, confusing their hat racks for notable religious figures.

Stories of authors falling drunkenly out of bed, pie-eyed-wasted and bleeding all over the place after cracking their temple on the corner of the nightstand, or vomiting blood every morning after yet another deranged night of consuming vast amounts of beer, whiskey and hydrocodone, are as common as a case of molar-rattling DTs in the parking lot of a closed liquor store — right? (Asking for a friend).

The Falstaffian thirsts of scribes like James Joyce, Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, Tennessee Williams and “Dear Dottie” are well-documented. Yet the continual, veritable legion of tosspot writers, both known and unknown, leads one to wonder why most Writers Workshops don’t offer panel discussions on Mixology tips.

In celebration of 20th-century alkie authors who were more apt to chug 12 packs than work the 12 steps, Folio Weekly has decided to hail some of these greatest imbibers who ever used a pencil as a swizzle stick.

G

RICHARD BRAUTIGAN (1935-1984) Lost between the Beat and Hippie generations, permanent sad-sack Brautigan helped open the doors of the contemporary novel with his 1967 book, Trout Fishing in America. Brautigan then proceeded to open every liquor cabinet within staggering reach the world over, his once-playful antics degrading into hijinks, like pulling a loaded shotgun on filmmaker Wim Wenders.

Check, please! Near the end of his life, Brautigan was considered more of a cantankerous asshole than literary bon vivant, his ego finally quelled when he knocked back a shot of a .44 caliber Smith & Wesson.

CHARLES BUKOWSKI (1920-1994) If there is one single 20th-century shit-drunk writer who inspired a staggering legion of drunk, shit writers, it’s Bukowski. While “Buk” wrote a few notable works (surely his memoir, Ham on Rye), his rummy ruminations on booze, broads, betting at the track and carefree hygiene were preserved in several volumes of brooding poetry and almost-gleefully misogynistic fiction, which put him in the hall of fame where a propensity for booze far exceeds an inclination toward consistent writing.

A

F

RAYMOND CARVER (1938-1988) The acknowledged master of the 20th-century short story, Carver was adept at combining groundbreaking minimalist writing with liver-breaking maximalist boozing.

No small feat, considering most of his peers in the 1970s were pretty much ambling and slamming into each other

like vodka-fueled bumper cars. While Carver ultimately died “sober,” he opted for the classic substitution of “marijuana maintenance,” a lifestyle change that can turn a formerly moody drunk writer into a coy pothead who makes kites and wind chimes. Give us the booze.

E

MARGUERITE DURAS (1914-1996) La Grande Dame de Michelob, Duras was a novelist, playwright, filmmaker and screenwriter, and penned 1959’s masterful Hiroshima mon amour, which actually originally started as a drinking game, wherein a soused Duras threw ice at her terrified parakeet, “Pernod.” Over the course of her colorful career, Duras penned dozens of works and made 19 films. Today she is buried in the Cimetière du Montparnasse — ironically, a mere stone’s throw away from 15 different Alcooliques Anonymes meetings.

FREDERICK EXLEY (1929–1992) Though Exley penned only one great book (and a great one it is), A Fan’s Notes, his most notable milestone was a lifetime of alcoholic athletics that led him right to an early winner’s circle in the boneyard. If you do a quick Google search of Exley’s life, your next search will surely be “alcohol detox treatment help recovery.”

D

JACK KEROUAC (1922-1969) A true literary trailblazer, Kerouac inspired generations to drop out, hit the road and immediately be pulled over and arrested for DUI. Best known for On the Road, Kerouac was an incredibly prolific author, including his still-unpublished Why Do I Always Wake Up in This Dark Barn? Favoring rotgut like Tokay wine and cheap swill over uppity libations, Kerouac died of what can only be the noblest of Romantic deaths: choking to death on his own blood (and some canned tuna!

Yummers!) at the age of 47 while watching television.

H

C

EDNA ST. VINCENT MILLAY (1892-1950) “The ‘St.’ stands for ‘St. Ides’,” reads the gravestone of this dipsomaniac diva. Millay is perhaps best known as a Pulitzer Prize-winning poet, yet she was also a playwright and, legend has it, could mix up a mean boilermaker that would “make one run home to mama.” Millay used the pseudonym “Nancy Boyd” for her prose work and the name “Chainsaw Mulligan” when she joined in on the weekly bar brawl in the alley behind the Stop-N-Go Liquors on Route 18 past Shankersville.

DOROTHY PARKER (1893-1967) Queen of the Algonquin Round Table of the 1920s, when writer and pundit Parker wasn’t being witty, she was getting shitty — drunk, that is. Parker helped define The New Yorker as a high-level lit mag, and even had success in the then-nascent Hollywood film scene, being nominated twice for an Academy Award. Poet, journalist, essayist, bon mot badass — Parker wore many crowns, yet her greatest was wearing a purple Crown Royal bag on her head and having machete fights with Norman Mailer in moonlit junkyards.

Daniel A. Brown dbrown@folioweekly.com

B

DECEMBER 21-27, 2016 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 17

THE TRAIL OF

EXCESS

<<< FROM PREVIOUS

His outburst augured trouble for the night.

We each ordered two more bourbons before pushing off.

By the time we reached The Reef, the day had long since been murdered and a soft, opalescent twilight drenched the landscape.

We stood in the parking lot, staring east at the watery expanse of the ocean. In the offing, the sea and sky welded together in the encroaching gloom.

I don’t rightly recall much of anything that happened for the next couple hours. Any binge drinker knows this stage well. It’s an inescapable eventuality of heavy drinking that has come to be called “blacking out.”

A common occurrence for both college students and village drunkards alike, it’s a state somewhere between blotto and death, during which the mind, completely disgusted with itself, ceases all conscious thought.

Exorbitant drink receipts and a torn napkin with the words “SUCK” and “GOURDS” scrawled across it were the sole mementos I had of The Reef and Caps on the Water. It was utter nonsense. The next flash of coherent memory up in Jax Beach comes from the bottom of a toilet bowl. I was in the Hoptingers’ bathroom stall, retching into the can with a “bier” painting hanging overhead.

Stumbling out of the restroom, I saw Boris slouched at a hightop non compos mentis and drooling on himself. He was cut off, and for good reason. Feeling better myself, I ordered another beer — the double overhead IPA — with an order of das pretzel sticks to sop up what was left in my gut.

I have to say, munching on those beautiful, greasy, salt-studded pretzel sticks with the DayGlo orange cheese sauce was pure bliss.

But it was short-lived. My accomplice was active again. His brain, likely operating on primitive drives and an incalculable acid high, was assessing its environment.

He’d been calm and relatively docile for most of the night, but now the acid was switching gears on him and the night’s rhythms were beginning to shift. Drug reactions were getting mixed up and there was no telling what would happen next.

We left Hoptingers late. With only two stops left, and with Boris in an active stage of his trip, we decided to take a brief stroll west toward the housing blocks. It was nearing the holidays and, naturally, some of the residents had their Christmas lawn ornaments on display.

One in particular had festooned the yard with a small, light-up Santa and some reindeer pulling a sleigh through lush grass. It bugged Boris, and after a few ponderous moments looking at it, he entered the property and got to work.

A few moments later, one of the inhabitants came out.

“Excuse me! What do you think you’re doing?” she said.

Looking up from his work, Boris responded to the best of his ability.

“Jus’ try’n ta teach these mothafuckas some lessons in love,” said Boris. “You got a problem wit dat?”

He had rearranged the display so that Santa was slumped, ass-out, over his sleigh, with Dasher in the mounted-and-ready position. The other reindeer were also in various erotic positions. It was a gruesome 18 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 21-27, 2016

scene depicting sexual acts that are illegal in just about every sovereign state.

“Well, just so you know, I’m calling the police. You are trespassing and destroying private property,” said the woman.

“Yeah, Mother?” said Boris.

“That’s right,” said the woman.

“What? You prejudice or sumthin? This is art! This is high fuckin’ art! Banksy ain’t got shit on this,” replied Boris.

The woman pulled out her phone and started dialing.

Seeing this, Boris bolted back through the yard, down the street, rounding the corner and back across Third Street to the solicited side of town, with me in tow. We walked the side streets north for a while before ordering another Uber to take us the rest of the way.

By the time we got to North Beach Fish Camp, the doors were locked and those inside could be seen cleaning up. It was after 10 p.m.

We lamented the unfortunate circumstances and absconded to our final stop, Ragtime Tavern.

We found ourselves a nice, dark booth in the recessed portion of the tavern.

On my right was a wall-length fish tank, which fascinated my associate. We ordered a couple old-fashioneds with Booker’s bourbon and luxuriated in the afterglow of the night’s conquest.

Leaving, we decided a brief walk on the beach would settle the nerves and temper our thoughts. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find an Uber close to us, so I ended up calling for a cab.

I remember lying in the sand; it was cold but the air was heavy and warm. The ocean pounded the beach behind me. A thousand stars glittered the sky and I could almost see myself lying there all night and all day.

Never again moving. Just lying stone-like as the ages wasted away, forgotten by everyone and everything.

I looked at my phone, and saw the driver was calling to let us know he was waiting.

As I started for the car, I yelled to Boris — who had been pacing about the whole time babbling to himself. As I reached the rear door, an explosion of screams and terrified gibberish issued forth and out of the waters behind me. It was Boris.

Of course, you already know this part.

The crazy bastard had stripped naked and was plunging into the dark water as if he were wrestling a rabid porpoise and was hurling a torrent of obscenities and lurid remarks so vile and deplorable, even I was a bit disgusted.

The driver, reasonably worried for his wellbeing, wanted to call for help.

“Nah,” I said. “He’ll be fine, we just need to give him a few minutes. It’s been a long night for both of us.”

“Yeah. But he could be hurt,” said the driver. “There could be a shark or something attacking him.”

“Trust me,” I said. “He’s fine. Just give it time. He’ll eventually remember himself and waddle back to beach.”

Sure enough, after about 20 minutes of unconscionable ranting and a $50 tip to keep the driver quiet, the madness ceased. Out of the gloom, a naked aboriginal sauntered forth, his clothes slung over his neck like so much fresh kill after a successful hunt.

Lazily, he stumbled into his clothes and we started west down Atlantic Boulevard — back into the old lonely continent.

Sir Ryan “The Besotted” mail@folioweekly.com _____________________________________ Folio Weekly does not condone excessive drinking or drug use.

FOLIO A + E

O

ver the last 10 years, Miami has become an epicenter for swampy, surf-inspired garage rock. SunGhosts may not be the first band birthed from that scene, and they certainly won’t be the last, but right now they’re the cat’s meow: This four-piece claimed Best Band in Miami New-Times’ Best of 2015 Reader’s Choice Poll.

But what truly sets Nik Olas, Jared Steingold, Arminio “Crocodile Deathspin” Rivero and Luis “Louie” Estopiñan apart is their collective rejection of garage rock’s current tilt toward lethargic give-zero-fucks-ness.

In a joint interview with all four band members conducted over their car radio while driving to Nashville, they bled optimism and energy. When asked about the extent of their touring over the last few years, Olas, Steingold, Rivero and Estopiñan rattled off each city and venue on several 20- and 30-day jaunts up the East Coast and all over the Midwest. “We haven’t been able to raise enough to go to the West Coast just yet,” says Rivero. “But we’re working on it!”

And instead of shrugging off an embrace of their Miami roots, SunGhosts exude pride for their hometown scene.

“It’s cool for a band to be from Nashville, LA, or New York,” Estopiñan says. “But in my mind it’s even better to be from somewhere that is not known about.

Maybe that can make someone sit up and pay attention — say ‘Wow, there’s not really a lot coming from there. But this

FILM Holidays of Horror ARTS B|G’s 100 Plates MUSIC moyamoya LIVE + LOCAL MUSIC CALENDAR

HERE COMES THE

SUNGHOSTS Miami four-piece flips the LAID-BACK GARAGE ROCK script with a passionate, energetic approach

is rad!’ That brings more attention to us and to Miami as a whole. It gives a lot of meaning to the band and to the city itself — we’re not just doing our own thing.”

“Rock ’n’ roll has always been a music of rebellion and love,” says Olas.

“Sometimes it might cross the line to be more about money, but for us rock ’n’ roll in Miami really shakes things up. This is is a consumerist city — people listen to whatever happy-go-lucky stuff is on the radio. That’s fine, but we really like to make people think about realistic or even negative issues” — think sea-level rise on “’Til the City Goes Under” or death on “Meet Me at the Rainbow Bridge.”

Olas emphasizes the fact that this is what

grounds SunGhosts in their hometown scene: “There are so many other talented young bands in Miami that don’t have the right avenues to be heard.”

Unlike so many rock bands whose members pay the bills slinging coffee, food and drink, these four men have all figured out how to make a living from music. Several work at the local School of Rock academy, instilling a love of music in kids, while Rivero started his own No Wavve booking agency to give the band more control over their own destiny. “He [Rivero] might as well make money with something on the side that contributes to SunGhosts’ development,” Olas says matter-of-factly.

Other topics on which SunGhosts speak at passionate length? The improvisatory nature of live shows, and how that flows out their recording sessions and into concepting for music videos. Their admiration of hometown heroes Jacuzzi Boys, which Steingold cites as the first

PG. 22 PG. 24 PG. 26 PG. 27

surf-inspired garage rock band to really make it out of Miami. Their love of everything from black metal to hip-hop to funk. The critical need for any Florida music fan to see a live show at Churchill’s, which Estopiñan says is the epicenter of Miami garage rock: “It’ll be wall-to-wall, side-to-side, front-to-back with people, for a band you’ve probably never heard of!” he raves. “And if you came to Miami, you probably wouldn’t hear much about them. That’s how strong and special our underground scene is.”

SunGhosts released its self-titled debut album, recorded with Grammywinning producer Joel Someillán, on Orchard House Music in August 2016.

It’s full of deep grooves, psychedelic riffs and enough sun-splashed soul to stretch from Miami to Seattle, and Olas says each song represents a snapshot of where the band was over two years of spread-out brainstorming and writing. “After that process, we finally found the conductive electrical current of four musicians coming together. We had fun discovering different styles, sounds and tastes, and now we’re writing a lot of new stuff that’s very developed and very far from the selftitled album.”

And though the band doesn’t have a timeframe in mind for recording and releasing new material, Olas says fans can expect to hear some of it on Dec. 21 during Jack Rabbits’ Fourth Day of Xmas.

“We’re excited to get back to Jacksonville for our third show ever and second show at Jack Rabbits to share that with people.”

Nick McGregor mail@folioweekly.com

Jack Rabbits Fourth Day of Xmas: SUNGHOSTS with FUTURE THIEVES

7 p.m. Dec. 21, Jack Rabbits, San Marco, $8, jaxlive.com

DECEMBER 21-27, 2016 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 19

20 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 21-27, 2016

DECEMBER 21-27, 2016 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 21

FOLIO A+E : MAGIC LANTERNS “Yule” scream BLOODY MURDER with this diabolical duo of potent seasonal chillers

HO-HO

HORROR H

orror movies with a Christmas theme don’t usually do well at the box-office during the holiday season. Perhaps the most successful such film, Joe Dante’s Gremlins, was actually released in June 1984.

Black Christmas (the original 1974 Bob Clark version, kind of a classic now) opened in October in its native Canada, and had a modest success in the U.S. later in December.

(Yes, that’s the same Bob Clark who directed Porky’s and A Christmas Story, a man for all seasons and genres.)

By contrast, the utterly stupid 2006 “re-imagination” of Black Christmas, which actually opened on Dec. 25, has earned the dubious distinction of being the leastsuccessful remake of recent slasher films.

Last year, though, a new Christmas horror film (Krampus), originally scheduled for early November, was moved to early December, surprising nearly everyone with its opening weekend box-office by finishing ahead of Disney/Pixar’s The Good Dinosaur and just behind The Hunger Games: Mockingjay—Part 2.

While it’s not going to outdo A Christmas Story for family yuletide viewing, Krampus makes for a good supplemental stockingstuffer. More than anything, it resembles a mixture of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation with the creepy fun of Dante.

Preparing for the holidays, Mom and Dad (Toni Colette, Adam Scott) brace their younger son Max (Emjay Anthony) and teen daughter Beth (Stefania LaVie Owen) for the imminent, dreaded arrival of their boorish aunt and uncle (Allison Tolman, David Koechner) and the truly hideous cousins. The unpleasantness is compounded when GreatAunt Dorothy (Conchata Ferrell) arrives, too.

Poor Max who, with the encouragement of Grandma Omi, still believes in Santa and the spirit of Christmas, is finally driven over the edge, renouncing his earlier dreams and unwittingly summoning the curse of Krampus, a sort of anti-Santa Claus, that engulfs the home and surrounding community in an isolated snowy wasteland.

Soon, family members are forced to pull together and put aside individual pettiness if they’re to survive the night before Christmas.

There’s a lot of humor, PG-13 crude and otherwise, as well as an equal dose of gore and horror. The most surprising thing about the film is how it manages to avoid most of the usual tropes of the genre. And then there’s the ending, one of the more unusual of its kind, giving fans of Citizen Kane and St. Elsewhere the opportunity to nod knowingly to themselves.

Writer/director Michael Dougherty brings to Krampus the same vitality and originality that made his debut film, Trick ’r Treat (2007), a neat twist on the otherwise familiar Halloween horror flick. Dougherty’s writing credentials (X-Men 2, X-Men: Apocalypse, Superman Returns) are more extensive than his directorial outings so far, but he’s slated

22 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 21-27, 2016

to both write and direct Godzilla 2. We’ll see what holiday release he envisions for that one.

Another Christmas-themed monster flick was released last year which, unlike Krampus, was relegated to a limited theatrical bow in October before jumping to home video. While not up to the standards of Dougherty’s chilland-chuckle fest, A Christmas Horror Story is better, at least at first, than one might expect.

Rather than one story, as the title suggests, the yuletide thriller is an anthology of four separate tales, loosely linked together by the ageless William Shatner as Dangerous Dan, a booze-swilling disc jockey spinning tunes for the hapless citizens of Bailey Downs, for whom Christmas Eve turns out not to be a wonderful night.

The first tale involves a trio of horny teens sneaking into their school, the scene of a gruesome murder the year before, to do a video shoot of the crime. Naturally, they get a lot more than footage for their efforts.

The second outing is about a family of three tromping through forbidden woods looking for the perfect Christmas tree. What they get instead is a changeling with an attitude.

The third unholy homily concerns a family of four on a holiday visit to a detested elderly aunt where they are introduced to the legend and reality of Krampus. He’s there to give the naughty souls their comeuppance, and he takes his job seriously.

The last tale, which actually opens and closes the movie, involves Santa himself dealing with an infestation of flesh-eating elves before squaring off against anti-Santa or (you guessed it!) Krampus.

More clever than not, A Christmas Horror Story still falls flat in its separate endings for each individual segment, a common fault of the horror genre. Krampus, on the other hand, is the exception.

Pat McLeod mail@folioweekly.com

NOWSHOWING SUN-RAY CINEMA Manchester by the Sea and Rogue One: A Star Wars Story are currently screening, 1028 Park St., 359-0049, sunraycinema.com.

CORAZON CINEMA & CAFÉ Anthropoid is running. It’s a Wonderful Life runs 2 p.m. Dec. 21 and 2 and 6:45 p.m. Dec. 22. TBT shows A Merry Friggin XMas, noon Dec. 22. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians runs 8 p.m. Dec. 22 for Cult Thursday. White XMas Dec. 23 and 25. Cafe Society screens 3 and 7:15 p.m. Dec. 23, 7:15 p.m.

Dec. 25. 36 Granada St., St. Augustine, 679-5736, corazoncinemaandcafe.com.

IMAX THEATER Rogue One: A Star Wars Story IMAX 3D and The Polar Express, America Wild: National Parks Adventure, A Beautiful Planet, Extreme Weather and Secret Ocean run at World Golf Village IMAX Theater, St. Augustine, 940-4133, worldgolfimax.com.

ARTS + EVENTS PERFORMANCE

MOSCOW BALLET: GREAT RUSSIAN NUTCRACKER The acclaimed Moscow Ballet is joined by local dancers for a production of the little-staged holiday classic, 7 p.m. Dec. 28 at The Florida Theatre, 128 E. Forsyth St., Downtown, 355-2787, $31.50-$178.50, floridatheatre.com.

IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE: A LIFE RADIO PLAY Apex Theatre Studio and director Ian Mairs present a “live” 1940s’ radio broadcast of the 1946 holiday classic, about idealistic George Bailey and what transpires that night he contemplates suicide, 8 p.m. Dec. 22 at Ponte Vedra Concert Hall, 1050 A1A N., 209-0399, $25, pvconcerthall.com.

A CHRISTMAS STORY Alhambra Theatre & Dining presents a wacky tale of Ralphie and a genuine Red Ryder BB gun, through Dec. 24. Dinner 6 p.m.; brunch at noon, featuring a themed menu by Executive Chef DeJuan Roy; at 12000 Beach Blvd., Southside, $49.95-$62 plus tax, 641-1212, alhambrajax.com.

COTTON PATCH GOSPEL This religious-based musical, with music by Harry Chapin that places the Gospel of Matthew square in the heart of modern-day, rural Georgia, is staged at 7:30 p.m.

Dec. 22 and 23 at Limelight Theatre, 11 Old Mission Ave., St. Augustine, 825-1164, $15; through Dec. 31, limelight-theatre.org.

CLASSICAL & JAZZ

A STARRY NIGHT AT THE RITZ Jacksonville Centre of the Arts and host Kamari Saxon are joined by Clifton Oliver (Kinky Boots, Motown The Musical), Damien Lamar (The Groove Coalition) and singer/songwriter and psalmist, JuQuan Vickers, for holiday music, 7 p.m. Dec. 22 at The Ritz Theatre & Museum, 829 N. Davis St., Downtown, 807-2010, $27 reserved seating; $17 general admission, jacksonvillecentreofthearts.org.

construction that combines steel and printed imagery, is on display through Feb. 26. Leaves: Recent Prints & Sculpture by Donald Martin is on display through Jan. 22. Retro-Spective: Analog Photography in a Digital World, featuring contemporary photographers exploring 19th-century photographic processes, displays through Jan. 8.

WORLD GOLF HALL OF FAME & MUSEUM 1 World Golf Pl., St. Augustine, 940-4133, worldgolfhalloffame.org. Grace & Grit – Women Champions Through the Years is on display.

GALLERIES

THE ART CENTER GALLERY Jacksonville Landing, Ste. 139, 233-9252, tacjacksonville.org. Figure drawing classes are held 7 p.m. every Tue. Christmas-themed works are on display through December.

BOLD BEAN COFFEE 1903 Hendricks Ave., San Marco, boldbeancoffee.com. Recent works by Shaun Thurston are currently on display.

BREW FIVE POINTS 1024 Park St., Riverside, 374-5789, brewfivepoints.com. The exhibit Signs of Life, featuring new works by Chip Southworth, is on display.

BUTTERFIELD GARAGE ART GALLERY 137 King St., St. Augustine, 825-4577, butterfieldgarage.com. The festive group show White Christmas is on display through Dec. 27.

THE CULTURAL CENTER AT PONTE VEDRA BEACH 50 Executive Way, 280-0614, ccpvb.org. The exhibit Visions: Ancient & Modern, featuring works by Mary Lou Gibson and Worley Faver, displays through Jan. 5.

DOUGLAS ANDERSON SCHOOL OF THE ARTS’ CAMPUS GALLERY 2445 San Diego Rd., San Marco, 346-5620, duvalschools.org. Works by DASOTA students are featured.

COMEDY

MIKE ARMSTRONG Funnyman Armstrong, a former cop who went from busting crooks to “busting guts” (Ha ha!) is on at 7:30 p.m. Dec. 21 and 22 and 8:30 p.m. Dec. 23 at The Comedy Zone, 3130 Hartley Rd., Mandarin, 292-4242, $12$15, comedyzone.com.

HURRICANE ANDREW Comedian Andrew, who’s appeared BET and Comic View, is on at 8:30 p.m. Dec. 22 at The Comedy Club of Jacksonville, 11000 Beach Blvd., Southside, 646-4277, $10-$20, jacksonvillecomedy.com.

HOLIDAY SHOWCASE More than 16 regional comedians flex their funny bones at 8 p.m. Dec. 23, The Comedy Club of Jacksonville, $10-$15, jacksonvillecomedy.com.

FRED’S ALL-STAR COMEDIANS Local comedians Kelly Heatwole, Spike, and others are on at 7:30 p.m. Dec. 27, The Comedy Zone, $10, comedyzone.com.

MARK KLEIN Funnyman Klein is on at 7:30 p.m. Dec. 28, 29 and 30 at The Comedy Zone, $12-$15, comedyzone.com.

CALLS & WORKSHOPS

JACKSONVILLE CHILDREN’S CHORUS Auditions for the spring semester are held by appointment only at 4:30 p.m.

Jan. 5, 5 p.m. Jan. 9 and 4 p.m. Jan. 10 at 225 E. Duval St., Downtown, 353-1636 ext. 1; jaxchildrenschrous.org/audition.

NEW TOWN URBAN FARM Urban Geoponics and New Town are developing a large community garden at Pearce and West Third streets, in the New Town/Edward Waters area, Northside. It will provide fresh produce and a hands-on, open-air center of learning for the community and area students. Urban Farm meets 10 a.m.1 p.m. every Sun. Details, call Diallo-Sekou at 706-284-9808.

ART WALKS & MARKETS

WHITE HARVEST FARMS & FARMER’S MARKET Local organic, fresh produce is offered 10 a.m.-5 p.m. every Sat. at 5348 Moncrief Rd., Northside, 354-4162; proceeds benefit Clara White Mission, clarawhitemission.org.

WINTER RAM Some of Riverside Arts Market’s artists, food artists and local, seasonal produce are featured, 10 a.m.-1 p.m. every Sat. under the Fuller Warren Bridge, 715 Riverside Ave., free admission, 389-2449, riversideartsmarket.com.

MUSEUMS

AMELIA ISLAND MUSEUM OF HISTORY 233 S. Third St., Fernandina, 261-7378, ameliamuseum.org. It Came from the Attic: The Lesesne House is on display.

CUMMER MUSEUM OF ART & GARDENS 29 Riverside Ave., 356-6857, cummermuseum.org. David Ponsler: Chasing Shadows, is on display through Oct. 4. Folk Couture: Fashion & Folk Art, works by 13 artists inspired by Folk Art Museum, displays through Jan. 1. Lift: Contemporary Expressions of the African American Experience, works of local artists Thony Aiuppy, Glendia Cooper, Ingrid Damiani, Overstreet Ducasse, Dustin Harewood, Marsha Hatcher, Hiromi Moneyhun, Princess Rashid, Chip Southworth, Roosevelt Watson III, displays through Feb. 12.

KARPELES MANUSCRIPT LIBRARY MUSEUM 101 W. First St., Springfield, 356-2992, rain.org/~karpeles/jax.html. An exhibit of photographic works by Will Dickey, staff photographer for The Florida Times-Union, is on display through Dec. 30.

MUSEUM OF CONTEMPORARY ART JACKSONVILLE 333 N. Laura St., 366-6911, mocajacksonville.unf.edu. The MOCA Student Residency Exhibition, featuring works by MOCA’s inaugural student-in-residence Mary Ratcliff, is on display through April 2. The Project Atrium: Nicola Lopez installation, A Gentle Defiance of Gravity & Form, a skyscraper-like

HOLIDAY DISPLAY

All kinds of VINTAGE NUTCRACKERS are on display for holiday viewing in the windows of Hooshang Oriental Rugs, 3571 St. Johns Ave., Avondale.

FIRST STREET GALLERY 216-B First St., Neptune Beach, 241-6928, firststreetgalleryart.com. The 17th Annual Christmas Ornament Show is on display through Dec. 24.

Watercolorist Sandra Baker Hinton’s Coastal Colors exhibit displays through Jan. 4.

FLORIDA MINING GALLERY 5300 Shad Rd., Southside, 535-7252, floridamininggallery.com. Identity and Abstraction, works by Michael Hunter, Christina West and Alex Jackson, is on display.

GALLERY 1037 Reddi-Arts, 1037 Hendricks Ave., Southbank, 398-3161, jacksonvilleartistsguild.org. The Jacksonville Artists Guild presents Les Quatre Amis, works by Princess Simpson Rashid, Annelies Dykgraaf, Cookie Davis and Marsha Hatcher, through December.

HUBLEY GALLERY 804 Anastasia Blvd., St. Augustine, 429-9769.

Mary Hubley’s Toescape is on display.

MONROE GALLERIES 40 W. Monroe St., Downtown, 881-0209, monroegalleries.com. Works by Jami Childers, Barbie Workman, Amber Angeloni, Zara Harriz, Amber Bailey and First Coast Plein Air Painters are displayed.

NASSAU COUNTY LIBRARY 25 N. Fourth St., Fernandina Beach, 277-7365, nassaureads.com. The Art of the Japanese Print, from the Christine and Paul Meehan Collection, runs through Dec. 30.

PLUM GALLERY 10 Aviles St., St. Augustine, 825-0069, plumartgallery.com. New works by painter Sara Pedigo and assemblage artist Barbara J. Cornett are on display through February.

DECEMBER 21-27, 2016 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 23

FOLIO A+E

ARTS

A FULL PLATE

U

Local ad agency lends its CREATIVE MIGHT to a worthy cause

photo courtesy Brunet-García

24 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 21-27, 2016

nlike homelessness or abject poverty, food insecurity is not often explicitly apparent.

And it’s not an issue that gets much lip service, especially in the most wealthy, prosperous country on the planet. Nationally, however, it’s estimated that 20 percent of America’s children are food insecure — that is to say, without reliable access to a sufficient quantity of affordable, nutritious food. Locally, it’s estimated that more than 117,000 people experience food insecurity, among the highest rates in all of Florida.

Local advertising agency Brunet-García is known regionally and nationally for its creative campaigns in support of public organizations and nonprofit companies like Mental Health America of Northeast Florida (MHA), the USDA, the Bureau of Immunization and FEMA. Each year, the company uses its formidable creative might to raise awareness for a worthy local cause. This year, in collaboration with the Castaño Group, creatives from Brunet-García developed an immersive installation to tell the story of Jimmy, a child whose family struggles with hunger and food insecurity.

The finished product — called 100 Plates — is currently on display on the first floor of the Jessie Ball duPont Center in Downtown Jacksonville. The installation is anchored by a large wooden rectangular box, which hosts an engaging display of pen-and-ink characters, kitschy, mid-century lettering and interactive buttons, each playing a role in weaving together a story with an educational impetus. The beautifully designed installation is only enhanced by the digital, interactive experience, which also allows viewers to make an immediate, impactful donation, by way of a touch-screen and credit-card reader. Tying it all together in a way that’s both literal and eyecatching, 100 actual plates hang in a floor-toceiling window looking out onto Adams Street.

A donation of just $10, according to research done by the project’s creators in collaboration with local nonprofit Feeding Northeast Florida, can provide up to 100 meals for a family in need.

“In our community, families often must choose between buying food or paying their bills,” said Diane Brunet-García, agency owner and vice president. “Feeding America estimates that providing 100 meals a month would help a food-insecure family make ends meet. It takes only $10 for Feeding America to bridge this gap through its network of regional food banks.”

Utilizing that network of food pantries and distribution centers, Feeding Northeast Florida provides food assistance to 281,040 people across Duval and surrounding counties.

“Although there is plenty of food, access is the central challenge,” says Brunet-García’s Denise Reagan (onetime Folio Weekly editor and former MOCAJax director of communications), who is handling public relations for the 100 Plates project. “The reason we did 100 meals is that, when you’re dealing with food insecurity, the research shows that 100 meals — which is basically a month of meals — makes the difference for a family,” says Reagan. “It bridges the gap. That’s big.”

“And a $10 donation, especially if you’re able to do it, digitally, or immediately, that

feels really attainable for people,” Reagan continues. “And if a person can afford $20, they can do twice that much. That feels pretty good.”

The 100 Plates installation provides, in illustrative detail, outlines of the depth of the issue of food insecurity in Northeast Florida. When activated by a corresponding button, a map of Jacksonville, front and center on the project’s main façade, lights up portions the areas of the city deemed “food deserts” and areas known to be “at risk” (or nearly food deserts).

“Even when there’s enough money, there are few healthy options where Jimmy’s family lives,” according to the graphic titled “The Food Desert Ripple Effect.” “[Jimmy’s family] must purchase cheaper, less-nutritious food.”

“One of the facts that really shocked me was that it’s easier to get a beer in many of these areas than a banana,” says BrunetGarcía’s Katy Garrison who spearheaded the illustrations on the 100 Plates project. “Most of the time, people living in these areas are having to walk to get food. Transportation is an issue. A lot of the time, there’ll be convenience stores or fast-food chains in closer proximity, so that’s what is consumed.”

Agency work is nearly always collaborative. And in animating the plight of the food insecure in Jacksonville, aside from working with fellow Brunet-García illustrators Cassie Deogracia and Bianca Borghi, Garrison had research and writing

help from local writer Jack Twachtman.

Kedgar Volta of the Castaño Group developed the video animations.

“Jack had a lot of knowledge about [the issue of food insecurity],” Garrison says.

“Jorge [Brunet-Garcia] was really passionate about it. I think their excitement kind drove us to dive into the subject matter. Combined with Kedgar’s enthusiasm to do something interactive and my passion for illustration, I think those four things gave us a template.”

“It was way too much to tackle in the short time we had,” Garrison laughs. “But because everybody was so hyped about it, we didn’t mind working nights and weekends on it.”

The 100 Plates initiative came together in just three weeks, from inception to completion. The project, unveiled during Art Walk, was well-received. The installation has collected more than $2,500 already and, according to Reagan, will have a life after the holidays.

“As we were getting this ready for Art Walk, we realized this installation has legs,” she says. “Just because the holidays are over doesn’t mean this has to end. We’ve had interest for several locations and it’ll definitely have a second, if not a third generation in the near future.”

Matthew B. Shaw mail@folioweekly.com _____________________________________ For more information on the 100 Plates project, visit feedingnefl.org/100plates.

ARTS + EVENTS ROTUNDA GALLERY St. Johns County Admin. Bldg., 500 San Sebastian View, St. Augustine, 471-9980. The Betty Griffin Center: A Day Without Violence exhibit runs through Jan. 26.

SUBLIME ORIGINAL GALLERY The DeLO, 420 Broad St., Downtown, 901-5515, sublimeoriginal.com. Life is Beautiful: An Exhibition of Works by Linda Broadfoot, Jim Draper, Thomas Hager, Chris Leidy and Steven Lyon, displays through Jan. 9.

SOUTHLIGHT GALLERY Bank of America Tower, 50 N. Laura St., Ste. 150, 438-4358, southlightgallery.com. Tom Schifanella’s Primal Light: Landscape Photography of Iceland exhibit and Peace On Earth, with the works of 18 collaborative members, display in December.

ST. AUGUSTINE ART ASSOCIATION 22 Marine St., 824-2310, staaa.org. Florida Forever! is on display through December.

EVENTS

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS VS TENNESSEE TITANS The Jaguars take on the Titans at 1 p.m. Dec. 24 at EverBank Field, Downtown, 633-6110, $40-$332, ticketmaster.com.

FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS CHABAD CHANUKAH Chabad at the Beaches holds its 14th annual community Chanukah celebration, featuring live music, a craft and fun fair, giant menorah lighting, traditional foods, and oodles of entertaining stuff for the kids, 5-7:30 p.m. Dec. 27, Ponte Vedra Cultural Center, 50 Executive Way, chanukahwonderland.com.

FAIRY CHRISTMAS

The acclaimed MOSCOW BALLET stages the GREAT RUSSIAN NUTCRACKER Dec. 28 at The Florida Theatre, Downtown.

HOLIDAY NUTCRACKER DISPLAY All kinds of Nutcrackers – like from the much-loved ballet – are on display for holiday viewing, in the windows of Hooshang Oriental Rugs, 3571 St. Johns Ave., Avondale, 384-7111, hooshang-rugs.com.

ST. AUGUSTINE ECO TOURS One-hour excursions in six or 12-passenger vessels daily, 6-7 p.m. and 7:30-8:30 p.m., along Matanzas River, leaving from Municipal Marina, 111 Avenida Menendez, St. Augustine, $35; call for details 377-7245, staugustineecotours.com.

JAX BEACH DECK THE CHAIRS A multimedia-holiday show with more than 40 lifeguard chairs decorated and an enhanced 30-foot-tall Christmas tree, programmed music, dancing lights and light projections, is held at 6, 7, 8 and 9 p.m. every Fri., Sat. and Sun. in December (except Christmas); deckthechairs.org.

ENCHANTED CHRISTMAS VILLAGE The family-friendly compound includes Santa’s workshop, letter-writing station, haymaze, hayrides, carousel rides, craft barn marketplace, food trucks, performances, and one-millionplus lights, 5-10 p.m. Tue.-Fri.; 10 a.m.-10 p.m. Sat. and Sun., through December at 17255 Normandy Blvd., Northside, $22; $12 ages 3-13, kids 3 and younger free, jacksonvillechristmas.com.

JAX ILLUMINATIONS HOLIDAY LIGHT SHOW The fourth annual drive-thru show is a mile-long drive through a millionplus lights, 6-9:30 p.m. nightly through Jan. 1, Morocco Shrine Center, 3800 St. Johns Bluff Rd. S., Southside, $20; 7-passenger max, $2.50 each additional, jaxilluminations.com. ____________________________________________ To list an event, send time, date, location (street address, city), admission price, contact number to print to Daniel A. Brown – email dbrown@ folioweekly.com or mail, 45 W. Bay St., Ste. 103, Jacksonville FL 32202.

Items run as space is available. Deadline noon Wed. for next Wed. printing.

DECEMBER 21-27, 2016 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 25

FOLIO A+E : MUSIC The first album was pretty much a live album; recorded straight with few second takes and mixed down. Now we take a lot more time, which ultimately makes for a better experience for the listener.

photo by Alex Baker/Ratio Image

Let’s talk influences. Who do you guys cite?

Similar instrumental bands like Mogwai, Battles, Don Cab and Tortoise. But we also pull from other musical interests: a hip-hopesque break beat, a soul-inspired bass riff or a shimmery guitar tone that feels like shoegaze.

If it sounds good to us, we go with it.

A NOISE ROCK ROSE BY

ANY OTHER NAME

Call them what you will — LOCAL TRIO moyamoya bring complex, textural, ambient, sludgy noise

N

oise rock. Math rock. Instrumental ambience. Textural sludge. You can dream up a hundred different and accurate ways to describe local trio moyamoya’s sonic mélange.

Instead of focusing on what they sound like, however, let’s focus on what Richard Dudley, Scott Madgett and Brennan Hamill have achieved. They bring a collective five decades of experience playing in bands on every point of the genre spectrum to the table — but they threw that experience out the window upon forming moyamoya in 2009 by switching all of their instruments (Dudley went from bass to guitar, Madgett from guitar to drums, and Hamill from guitar to keys and bass).

They took five years to polish six songs for their debut self-titled 12-inch, released in 2014 on Fort Lowell Records. When they perform around town at regular venues like 1904 Music Hall and Rain Dogs, they’re just as likely to play with fellow indie rockers like Twelve Hour Turn as they are to lay down break beats for MCs like Willie Evans Jr. and Paten Locke. When moyamoya aren’t playing club shows, they’re headlining benefits for organizations like the Jacksonville Coalition for Equality. They even opted from the very start to follow a fully instrumental path, eschewing vocals in service of sublimating their riffs to the highest possible pedestal.

“Instrumental music depends heavily on what the listener brings to it,” the band said in an email interview with Folio Weekly. “The context in which it’s heard can influence that experience. This interests us.”

Folio Weekly: We tried at the beginning of this story, but we’ll throw this one your way: How would you describe moyamoya’s sound? moyamoya: Since words aren’t our thing, we’d 26 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 21-27, 2016

like to quote a write-up from Hans Werkman with Here Comes The Flood: “Exquisite noise from Florida.”

How has that noise shifted since the three of you started collaborating in 2009?

When we started, we didn’t really know what our sound was. The first couple years were mostly experimenting. Some of the parts we wrote made the cut and are still played today, but most did not. We learned our strengths and weaknesses — and we’re still learning.

Whether it’s composition, performance or recording, we like to think it’s the best we have to offer at that moment. Hopefully we’ll have better things to offer in the future.

Your self-titled 12-inch came out in 2014. Do you have more releases planned for the future?

Yep! We’ve written most of it and have already started demoing. A couple of songs are currently in our live set: “Don’t Blow Out My Fun Candle” and “Enter: Pallbearer.” But the album will be a few months out, so in the interim, we have two more singles scheduled for release that are similar to the “Dedmel25” digital 45 we put out with Fort Lowell Records earlier this year, featuring a remix

by Navigateur, an awesome musician and rad dude, Carlos Andujar. The first new single will be “Baracus,” featuring a remix by Keith William of WakeATL, followed by “I Heart Jet Noise” after that.

What’s different about the new material?

The self-titled was the final product of many years of writing, discarding and revising as we found our process. This round, we know what our process is, so it makes writing much easier. We’ve also improved as musicians: The writing on the first album was done while we were getting comfortable after switching instruments. Knowing how to actually play makes the process much easier and more productive. But I think the major distinction between the first album and the singles or the next full length is our recording process.

One review compared you to Polvo, a criminally underrated indie rock band. And you guys recently shared the stage with reunited Jacksonville legends Twelve Hour Turn.

We are fans — and we agree, [Polvo is] very underrated. Quiet/hard, angular changes and drone are prominent in both Polvo’s and our style. They’re definitely part of our indie music vernacular. We love Twelve Hour Turn, and true love lasts forever. They were a huge influence on the local music scene back in their day, and it was a blast sharing the stage with them.

How big of a deal is it for moyamoya to represent that Duval/Jacksonville indie rock history?

We’re all Jax natives and we’ve all been musicians here for years, so we feel very rooted in the local music scene. This city has put out great artists for generations and we’ve had the pleasure of playing with many of our favorites. There’s also context and how that can shape the musical experience.

For the audience at a hip-hop show, a break beat might stick out, whereas for the punk or indie audience, a sludgy guitar riff might be more memorable.

MOYAMOYA with BAND & THE BEAT, GOODFIRES, MEADOWS 8 p.m. Dec. 23, 1904 Music Hall, Downtown, $7 advance; $9 day of; all ages, 1904musichall.com

How much touring has the band done in the past, and how much do you plan on doing in the future?

We did two Southeast tours in 2016, and two shows in particular were memorable for us.

We played Slim’s in Raleigh, North Carolina, with our friends and label mates, Band & The Beat. A rad hip-hop artist, FKB$, was on the bill, too. The other show we all loved was at Grantski Records in Augusta, Georgia. It was a last-minute addition to the tour, but the owner was so great about getting us in and getting people out. He even ordered pizza! There were only 20 people there, but in the tiny shop, it felt like 100. And everyone was into the music.

Tons of praise and we sold a record to everyone there. It was one of those shows where you leave floating. The plan right now is to tour a couple of times in 2017, ideally once we release the three digital 45s we want to put out as a cassette in spring and again in the fall, after we get the album finished.

Final question: What local artists would you recommend?

Our local hip-hop scene is worth paying attention to: Willie Evans Jr., Dillon, Paten Locke’s new Stono Echo project. Then FULL PLATE!, Seacycles, Birthday Pony, Wise River and Fjord Explorer. I’m sure we’re leaving someone out. There really are so many great bands here.

Nick McGregor mail@folioweekly.com

Toronto aggro-poppers ROSEDALE perform Dec. 28 at Planet Sarbez, St. Augustine.

LIVE + LOCAL MUSIC CONCERTS THIS WEEK

SPADE McQUADE 6 p.m. Dec. 21, Fionn MacCool’s Irish Pub, Jacksonville Landing, Ste. 176, 374-1247.

SUNGHOSTS, FUTURE THIEVES 7 p.m. Dec. 21, Jack Rabbits, 1528 Hendricks Ave., San Marco, 398-7496, $8.

JACKIE EVANCHO 7:30 p.m. Dec. 21, The Florida Theatre, 128 E. Forsyth St., Downtown, 355-2787, $35-$65.

MIKE BERNOS, MADI CARR 7:30 p.m. Dec. 22, Mudville Music Room, 3104 Atlantic Blvd., St. Nicholas, 352-7008, $10.

UPCHURCH the REDNECK, JOHN LEGIT 8 p.m. Dec. 22, Jack Rabbits, $15.

3 the BAND 9 p.m. Dec. 22, Flying Iguana, 207 Atlantic Blvd., Neptune Beach, 853-5680.

MOYAMOYA, BAND & the BEAT, GOODFIRES, MEADOWS 8 p.m. Dec. 23, 1904 Music Hall, 19 Ocean St., Downtown, $7 advance; $9 day of.

INSPECTION 12 8 p.m. Dec. 23, Jack Rabbits, $12.

TIM DUGGER, JAIME DAVIS, BILLY GLISSON 8 p.m. Dec. 23, Mavericks Live, 2 Independent Dr., Downtown, 356-1110; free show, bring a toy for Toys for Tots.

LUNAR COAST 10 p.m. Dec. 23, Flying Iguana.

CARDINAL SLINKY, MR. NEVER & the SCARS, BEBE DELUXE 10 p.m. Dec. 23, The Hourglass Pub, 345 E. Bay St., Downtown, 469-1719, $5.

PRONOUNCED 10 p.m. Dec. 23, The Roadhouse, 231 Blanding Blvd., Orange Park, 264-0611, $2.

TOMBOI 8 p.m. Dec. 25, Jack Rabbits, $10.

RICKOLUS, COMPLICATED ANIMALS, JACKIE STRANGER 8 p.m. Dec. 27, Jack Rabbits, $5.

BACKUP PLANET, JOHNNY GREENLIGHT, GONE TO PLAID 8 p.m. Dec. 28, 1904 Music Hall, $8 advance; $10 day of.

MEDAL MILITIA (Metallica Tribute), AUTOMATIK FIT 8 p.m.

Dec. 28, Jack Rabbits, $10.

ROSEDALE 8 p.m. Dec. 28, Planet Sarbez, 115 Anastasia Blvd., St. Augustine, 342-0632.

UPCOMING CONCERTS RICKOLUS, COMPLICATED ANIMALS Dec. 29, Jack Rabbits DONNA the BUFFALO, BUTCH TRUCKS & the FREIGHT TRAIN BAND Dec. 29, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall The NTH POWER Dec. 30, Ritz Theatre SHEN YUN 2017 Jan. 3 & 4, Times-Union Center for the Performing Arts The MOTHER GOOSES Jan. 6, Jack Rabbits MICHAEL BOLTON Jan. 11, The Florida Theatre STEVE DAMIEN ESCOBAR Jan. 12, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall WIMPY RUTHERFORD & the CRYPTICS Jan. 13, Nobby’s Winter Jam: CROWDER, BRITT NICOLE, TENTH AVENUE NORTH, ANDY MINEO, COLTON DIXON, THOUSAND FOOT KRUTCH, NEWSONG, OBB, SARAH REEVES, STEVEN MALCOLM Jan. 13, Veterans Memorial Arena LEWIS BLACK Jan. 13, The Florida Theatre DWEEZIL ZAPPA Jan. 13, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall

HENRY ROLLINS Jan. 14, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall LOS LOBOS Jan. 15, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall BOYTOY Jan. 15, Rain Dogs PINK MARTINI Jan. 17, The Florida Theatre DOYLE BRAMHALL II Jan. 17, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall MIKE DOUGHTY, WHEATUS Jan. 18, Jack Rabbits DR. JOHN & the NITE TRIPPERS Jan. 18, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall UPRIGHT CITIZENS BRIGADE Jan. 20, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall ORDINARY BOYS: A tribute to the music of The Smiths & Morrisey Jan. 21, 1904 Music Hall PETER BRADLEY ADAMS Jan. 22, Café Eleven BILLY CRYSTAL Jan. 25, Times-Union Center for the Performing Arts’ Moran Theater JEANNE ROBERTSON Jan. 21, The Florida Theatre ELVIS LIVES Jan. 24, Times-Union Center for the Performing Arts GLADYS KNIGHT Jan. 25, The Florida Theatre LEE BRICE, JUSTIN MOORE, WILLIAM MICHAEL MORGAN Jan. 26, Veterans Memorial Arena KATHLEEN MADIGAN Jan. 27, The Florida Theatre J BOOG, JEMERE MORGAN Jan. 27, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall KENNY ROGERS, LINDA DAVIS Jan. 28, Thrasher-Horne Center for the Arts The BEACH BOYS Jan. 28, The Florida Theatre HEATHER MALONEY Jan. 29, Café Eleven KURT VILE & the VIOLATORS, LUKE ROBERTS Jan. 30, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall VOCALOSITY Feb. 1, The Florida Theatre CHRISTIE DASHIELL Feb. 2, Ritz Theatre ARLO GUTHRIE Feb. 2, The Florida Theatre TOM RUSH Feb. 3, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall PAT METHENY, ANTONIO SANCHEZ, LINDA OH, GWILYM SIMCOCK Feb. 3, The Florida Theatre SARA WATKINS Feb. 4, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall BOSTON POPS ESPLANDE ORCHESTRA Feb. 4, TimesUnion Center for the Performing Arts GAELIC STORM Feb. 8, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall G. LOVE & SPECIAL SAUCE Feb. 9, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall HISS GOLDEN MESSENGER Feb. 9, Jack Rabbits The BABES Feb. 11, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall ANDERS OSBORNE, The GHOST of PAUL REVERE Feb. 11, Mavericks Live Lincolnville Porch Fest: CHELSEA SADDLER, TELEPATHIC LINES, RIVERNECKS, The WOBBLY TOMS, GHOST TROPIC, AMY HENDRICKSON, SAND FLEAS, ROBBIE DAMMIT & the BROKEN STRINGS, NESTA, RAMONA QUIMBY, KYLE WAGONER, EARLY DISCLAIMERS, LONESOME BERT & the SKINNY LIZARDS, KENSLEY STEWART, The WILLOWWACKS, ASLYN & the NAYSAYERS Feb. 12, St. Augustine UNDER the STREETLAMP Feb. 12, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall AL DI MEOLA Feb. 14, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall YES Feb. 15, The Florida Theatre

ANDY McKEE Feb. 15, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall MATT PRYOR, DAN ADRIANO Feb. 16, 1904 Music Hall THREE DOG NIGHT, AMERICA Feb. 16, The Florida Theatre RICHARD THOMPSON Feb. 16, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall The PAUL THORN BAND Feb. 17, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall The PIANO GUYS Feb. 17, The Florida Theatre TOBYMAC, MATT MAHER, MANDISA, MAC POWELL, CAPITAL KINGS, RYAN STEVENSON, HOLLYN Feb. 17, Veterans Memorial Arena TRAE CROWDER, COREY RYAN FORESTER, DREW MORGAN Feb. 18, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall BEAUSOLEIL avec MICHAEL DOUCET Feb. 19, Café Eleven SOUTHSIDE JOHNNY & the ASBURY JUKES Feb. 19, The Florida Theatre COLIN HAY Feb. 22, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall JOE BONAMASSA Feb. 22, The Florida Theatre TONY BENNETT Feb. 22, Times-Union Center for the Performing Arts PENNY & SPARROW Feb. 22, Café Eleven MINDI ABAIR Feb. 23, Ritz Theatre MANHATTAN TRANSFER, TAKE 6 Feb. 23, The Florida Theatre FOREIGNER, KANSAS Feb. 24, St. Augustine Amphitheatre ELIZABETH COOK, DALE WATSON Feb. 24, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall LUKE BRYAN, BRETT ELDREDGE Feb. 25, Veterans Memorial Arena OLD 97’s, BOTTLE ROCKETS Feb. 25, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall PEPPER, LESS THAN JAKE, The ATTACK, The BUNNY GANG Feb. 25, St. Augustine Amphitheatre DENNIS DeYOUNG, JACKSONVILLE ROCK SYMPHONY Feb. 26, The Florida Theatre AGENT ORANGE, GUTTERMOUTH, The QUEERS, The ATOM AGE Feb. 26, St. Augustine Amphitheatre Backyard Party JUSTIN HAYWARD, MIKE DAWES Feb. 27, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall TAJ EXPRESS Feb. 28, Thrasher-Horne Center for the Arts AMOS LEE Feb. 28, The Florida Theatre MARC COHN March 1, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall PIERCE PETTIS March 2, Café Eleven RICK SPRINGFIELD March 2, The Florida Theatre The WEIGHT, members of THE BAND March 3, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall LUCINDA WILLIAMS March 4, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall The GROWLERS March 4, St. Augustine Amphitheatre Backyard Party SPYRO GYRA March 5, The Florida Theatre KT TUNSTALL March 5, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall WILLIE NELSON & FAMILY, DWIGHT YOAKAM March 7, St. Augustine Amphitheatre EARTH, WIND & FIRE March 9, St. Augustine Amphitheatre TAJ MAHAL March 10, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall KODO March 11, The Florida Theatre CLINT BLACK March 12, The Florida Theatre NEWSBOYS March 12, Thrasher-Horne Center for the Arts

DECEMBER 21-27, 2016 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 27

LIVE + LOCAL MUSIC

Self-professed local “punch rock” trio CARDINAL SLINKY (pictured) performs with MR. NEVER & THE SCARS and BEBE DELUXE Dec. 23 at The Hourglass Pub, Downtown.

AUDRA McDONALD, JACKSONVILLE CHILDREN’S CHORUS March 12, Times-Union Center for the Performing Arts’ Jacoby Symphony Hall The CHARLIE DANIELS BAND March 16, The Florida Theatre IGOR & the RED ELVISES March 16, Café Eleven Anastasia Music Festival: The DEL McCOURY BAND, DAVE GRISMAN’S BLUEGRASS EXPERIENCE, SAM BUSH, ELEPHANT REVIVAL, FRUITION, CABINET, JEFF AUSTIN BAND, The TRAVELIN’ McCOURYS, MANDOLIN ORANGE, JOE PUG, SIERRA HULL, The BROOMESTIX, DUSTBOWL REVIVAL, JON STICKLEY TRIO, GRITS & SOUL, NIKKI TALLEY, TAYLOR MARTIN, STEVE PRUETT March 16-18, St. Augustine Amphitheatre GET THE LED OUT March 17, The Florida Theatre ADAM SAVAGE, PILOBOLUS SHADOWLAND March 21, The Florida Theatre

The HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS March 21, Veterans Memorial Arena 24 Karat Gold Show: STEVIE NICKS, PRETENDERS March 23, Veterans Memorial Arena I Love The ’90s Tour: VANILLA ICE, NAUGHTY by NATURE, SUGAR RAY’S MARK McGRATH, BIZ MARKIE, ALL-4-ONE, YOUNG MC March 24, St. Augustine Amphitheatre CHEYENNE JACKSON March 24, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall 1964: The TRIBUTE March 25, St. Augustine Amphitheatre AIR SUPPLY March 26, The Florida Theatre RICKY SKAGGS & KENTUCKY THUNDER March 26, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall NITTY GRITTY DIRT BAND March 30, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall DINOSAUR JR. March 31, Mavericks Live JIM BRICKMAN March 31, The Florida Theatre RICK THOMAS April 1, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall

XIU XIU April 1, The Sleeping Giant Film Festival STEVE MILLER BAND, LOS LONELY BOYS April 2, St. Augustine Amphitheatre ANA POPOVIC April 5, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall LEO KOTTKE, KELLER WILLIAMS April 6, The Florida Theatre LITTLE RIVER BAND, JACKSONVILLE ROCK SYMPHONY April 7, The Florida Theatre ALAN JACKSON, LEE ANN WOMACK April 8, St. Augustine Amphitheatre Legends of Southern Hip Hop: SCARFACE, MYSTIKAL, 8 BALL & MJG, TRICK DADDY, BUN B, JUVENILE, PASTOR TROY, ANDRAE MURCHINSON April 8, Ritz Theatre SHOVELS & ROPE, MATTHEW LOGAN VASQUEZ April 8, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall NuSoul Revival Tour: MUSIQ SOUsLCHILD, LYFE JENNINGS, AVERY SUNSHINE, KINDRED the FAMILY SOUL April 8, Times-Union Center for the Performing Arts BUDDY GUY, The RIDES (Stephen Stills, Kenny Wayne Shepherd, Barry Goldberg) April 9, St. Augustine Amphitheatre CHRIS BOTTI April 18, The Florida Theatre Wanee Music Festival: BOB WEIRD & the CAMPFIRE BAND, TREY ANASTASIO BAND, WIDESPREAD PANIC, GOV’T MULE, DARK STAR ORCHESTRA, DR. JOHN & the NITE TRIPPERS, JJ GREY & MOFRO, LES BRERS (BUTCH TRUCKS, JAIMOE, OTEIL BURBRIDGE, MARC QUINONES, JACK PEARSON, PATE BERGERON, BRUCE KATZ, LAMAR WILLIAMS JR.), JAIMOE’S JASSSZ BAND, BLACKBERRY SMOKE, LEFTOVER SALMON (MUSIC OF NEIL YOUNG), MATISYAHU, The GREYBOY ALLSTARS, KELLER WILLIAMS’ GRATEFUL GRASS, PAPADOSIO, TURKUAZ, PINK TALKING FU (MUSIC OF DAVID BOWIE & PRINCE), PINK TALKING FISH, KUNG FU, DJ LOGIC, BOBBY LEE ROGERS TRIO, DEVON ALLMAN BAND, The MARCUS KING BAND, YETI TRIO, BROTHERS & SISTERS, BUTCH TRUCKS & the FREIGHT TRAIN BAND April 20, 21 & 22, Suwannee Music Park MJ LIVE! April 20-23, Thrasher-Horne Center for the Arts TOWER of POWER April 22, The Florida Theatre RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS April 23, Veterans Memorial Arena NATHANIEL RATELIFF & the NIGHT SWEATS April 26, St. Augustine Amphitheatre Welcome to Rockville: SOUNDGARDEN, DEF LEPPARD, A PERFECT CIRCLE, The OFFSPRING, MASTODON, CHEVELLE, SEETHER, PAPA ROACH, THREE DAYS GRACE, PIERCE the VEIL, COHEED & CAMBRIA, ALTER BRIDGE, The PRETTY RECKLESS, AMON AMARTH, EAGLES of DEATH METAL, HIGHLY SUSPECT, DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN, IN FLAMES, GOJIRA, IN THIS MOMENT, MOTIONLESS in WHITE, ALL THAT REMAINS, NOTHING MORE, RIVAL SONS, BEARTOOTH, EVERY TIME I DIE, ATTILA, STARSET, DINOSAUR PILE-UP, I PREVAIL, KYNG, CROBOT, VOLUMES, SYLAR, FIRE FROM the GODS, AS LIONS, BADFLOWER, GOODBYE JUNE, FRANK CARTER & the RATTLESNAKES, COVER YOUR TRACKS, The CHARM The FURY April 29 & 30, Metropolitan Park STEVE WINWOOD May 5, St. Augustine Amphitheatre ERIC CHURCH May 5, Veterans Memorial Arena BASTILLE May 7, St. Augustine Amphitheatre CIRQUE DU SOLEIL’S OVO Aug. 2-6, Veterans Memorial Arena TIM McGRAW & FAITH HILL Sept. 16, Veterans Memorial Arena DELFEAYO MARSALIS Sept. 29, Riverside Fine Arts Series

LIVE MUSIC CLUBS

AMELIA ISLAND + FERNANDINA ALLEY CAT Beer House, 316 Centre St., 491-1001 Dan Voll every Wed. John Springer every Thur. Brian Ernst Fri. LA MANCHA, 2709 Sadler Rd., 261-4646 Miguel Paley 5:30-9 p.m. every Fri.-Sun. Javier Parez every Sun. SLIDERS Seaside Grill, 1998 S. Fletcher Ave., 277-6652 King Eddie & Pili Pili 6 p.m. Dec. 21. Tad Jennings Dec. 22.

Arvid Smith Dec. 23. Tad Jennings, Davis Turner Dec. 24.

Savannah Leigh Bassett Dec. 26. Mark O’Quinn Dec. 27 SURF Restaurant, 3199 S. Fletcher Ave., 261-5711 Katfish Lee 3 p.m. Dec. 22. Bush Doctors 4 p.m. Dec. 27

AVONDALE + ORTEGA

CASBAH Café, 3628 St. Johns Ave., 981-9966 Goliath Flores every Wed. Live jazz Sun. Live music 9 p.m. Mon. ECLIPSE, 4219 St. Johns Ave. KJ Free 9 p.m. every Tue. & Thur. Indie dance 9 p.m. every Wed. ’80s & ’90s dance Fri. MELLOW MUSHROOM PIZZA BAKERS, 3611 St. Johns Ave., 388-0200 Live music every Thur.-Sat.

THE BEACHES (All venues are in Jax Beach unless otherwise noted)

BLUE TYPHOON, 2309 Beach Blvd., 379-3789 Billy Bowers 5:30 p.m. Dec. 28. Live music most weekends BLUE WATER Island Grill, 205 First St. N., 249-0083 Live music every weekend BRASS ANCHOR Pub, 2292 Mayport Rd., Atlantic Beach, 249-0301 Joe Oliff 8 p.m. Dec. 21. Live music on weekends CASA MARINA HOTEL, 691 First St. N., 270-0025 The Chris Thomas Band Dec. 21 THE COURTYARD, 200 First St., Neptune Beach, 241-1026 Live music 7 p.m. Dec. 21 & 16 CULHANE’S IRISH PUB, 967 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 249-9595 DJ Hal every Sat. FLYING IGUANA TAQUERIA & TEQUILA BAR, 207 Atlantic Blvd., Neptune Beach, 853-5680 3 the Band 9 p.m. Dec. 22.

Lunar Coast 10 p.m. Dec. 23. Darren Corlew 8:30 p.m. Dec. 26

28 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 21-27, 2016

LIVE + LOCAL MUSIC Alabama country dude TIM DUGGER (pictured) performs with JAIME DAVIS and BILLY GLISSON Dec. 23 at Mavericks Live, Downtown. It’s a free show, but please bring a toy for Toys for Tots if you can.

GUSTO, 1266 Beach Blvd., 372-9925 Groov 7:30 p.m. every Wed. Murray Goff Fri. Under the Bus every Sat. Gene Nordan 6 p.m. every Sun. HARBOR TAVERN, 160 Mayport Rd., Atlantic Beach, 246-2555 Live music weekends HARMONIOUS MONKS, 320 First St. N., 372-0815 Live music most weekends LYNCH’S Irish Pub, 514 First St. N., 249-5181 John Earle 10 p.m. Dec. 23. Danka 10 p.m. Dec. 24. Dirty Pete 10 p.m. every Wed. Split Tone every Thur. Chillula every Sun. Be Easy every Mon. Krakajax every Tue. MELLOW MUSHROOM, 1018 Third St. N., 241-5600 Bonnie Blue 9 p.m. Dec. 22 MEZZA Restaurant & Bar, 110 First St., Neptune Beach, 249-5573 Gypsies Ginger every Wed. Mike Shackelford, Steve Shanholtzer every Thur. Mezza Shuffle every Mon. Trevor Tanner Tue. RAGTIME Tavern, 207 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 241-7877 Billy Bowers 7 p.m. Dec. 21.

Live music every Wed.-Sun. SEACHASERS, 831 First St. N., 372-0444 Cowboy Rolex 8 p.m. every Thur.

SOUTHERN GROUNDS & CO., 200 First St., Neptune Beach, 249-2922 Jazz Corner 6 p.m. every Tue. WHISKEY JAX, 950 Marsh Landing Pkwy., 853-5973 Murray Goff 6 p.m. every Wed. ZETA BREWING, 131 First Ave. N., 372-0727 Live music every Thur.-Sat.

CAMDEN COUNTY, GA.

CAPTAIN STAN’S SMOKEHOUSE, 700 Bedell Dr., Woodbine, 912-729-9552 Acoustic music 6:30 p.m. every Sat.

DOWNTOWN

1904 MUSIC Hall, 19 Ocean St. N. Moyamoya, Band & The Beat, Goodfires, Meadows 8 p.m.

Dec. 23. Backup Planet, Johnny Greenlight, Gone To Plaid 8 p.m. Dec. 28 DE REAL TING, 128 W. Adams St., 633-9738 De Lions of Jah 7 p.m. Dec. 23. Live music most weekends DOS GATOS, 123 E. Forsyth St., 354-0666 DJ Brandon every Thur. DJ NickFresh every Sat. DJ Randall every Mon. DJ Hollywood every Tue. FIONN MacCOOL’S, Jacksonville Landing, 374-1247 Spade McQuade 6 p.m. Dec. 21 & 23. Live music every Fri. & Sat. THE HOURGLASS PUB, 345 E. Bay St., 469-1719 Cardinal Slinky, Mr. Never & The Scars, Bebe Deluxe 10 p.m. Dec. 23 JACKSONVILLE LANDING, 2 Independent Dr., 353-1188 Ashton Taylor, Stephen Quinn, Kai McKenzie Francis, Grayce Halter, Amy Marie Corob, Jaelyn Belle, Rachael Blount, Jessica Stewart, Lauren Woodall Dec. 23. Yossi Berktin Dec. 25 MARK’S Downtown, 315 E. Bay St., 355-5099 DJ Shotgun 10 p.m. every Sat. MAVERICKS LIVE, Jax Landing, 356-1110 Tim Dugger, Jaime Davis, Billy Glisson 8 p.m. Dec. 23. Joe Buck, DJ Justin every Thur.-Sat. MYTH Nightclub, 333 E. Bay St., 707-0474 DJs Lady Miaou, Booty Boo, Cry Havoc, Some Dude 9 p.m. Glitz Wed. Q45, live music Wed. EDM every Thur. Eric Rush every Fri. DJ IBay Sat. Bangarang & Crunchay Sun. THE VOLSTEAD, 115 W. Adams St., 414-3171 Go Get Gone 9 p.m. Dec. 23. Swing Dance Sundays 7 p.m.

FLEMING ISLAND

MELLOW MUSHROOM PIZZA BAKERS, 1800 Town Ctr. Blvd., 541-1999 Scott Elley 9 p.m. Dec. 22. Kurt Lanham 9 p.m. Dec. 23. Live music most weekends WHITEY’S Fish Camp, 2032 C.R. 220, 269-4198 Spanky 9 p.m. Dec. 23. Live music every Thur.-Sun.

INTRACOASTAL

CLIFF’S Bar & Grill, 3033 Monument Rd., Ste. 2, 645-5162 Atwell Brothers 8 p.m. Dec. 21. Black Creek Ri’zin Dec. 23. No Saints Dec. 24. The Remedy Dec. 28.

Open mic every Tue. Live music every weekend JERRY’S SPORTS BAR & GRILLE, 13170 Atlantic Blvd., 220-6766 Mr. Natural 7:30 p.m. Dec. 23

MANDARIN

ENZA’S Italian Restaurant, 10601 San Jose Blvd., Ste. 109, 268-4458 Brian Iannucci Dec. 21 & 28 IGGY’S SEAFOOD SHACK, 104 Bartram Oaks Walk, Ste. 101, 209-5209 Live music every Fri. & Sat. DJ Greg every Wed. TAPS BAR & GRILL, 2220 C.R. 210, St. Johns, 819-1554 Chuck Nash 8 p.m. Dec. 28

ORANGE PARK + MIDDLEBURG DEE’S Music Bar, 2141 Loch Rane Blvd., Ste. 140, 375-2240 Love Monkey 9:30 p.m. Dec. 23. Lee Blake Dec. 30. DJ Daddy-O every Tue. The HILLTOP, 2030 Wells Rd., 272-5959 John Michael on the piano every Tue.-Sat.

The ROADHOUSE, 231 Blanding Blvd., 264-0611 DJ Big Mike Dec. 22. Pronounced 10 p.m. Dec. 23. Bandontherun Dec. 28. Live music every weekend SHARK Club, 714 Park Ave., 215-1557 Digital Skyline 9 p.m. Dec. 21. Live music most weekends

PONTE VEDRA

PUSSER’S GRILLE, 816 A1A, 280-7766 Billy Buchanan 7 p.m. Dec. 23. Live music every Fri. & Sat. TABLE 1, 330 A1A, 280-5515 Gary Starling Jazz Band 7:30 p.m. Dec. 22

RIVERSIDE + WESTSIDE

ACROSS THE STREET, 948 Edgewood Ave. S., 683-4182 Live music weekends BRIXX, 220 Riverside Ave., 300-3928 Live music every Thur. & Fri. HOBNOB, 220 Riverside Ave., Ste. 10, 513-4272 The Crazy Daysies 7 p.m. Dec. 23. Live music every Fri. NIGHTHAWKS, 2952 Roosevelt Blvd. Skyview 7 p.m. Dec. 22. Live music most weekends RAIN DOGS, 1045 Park St., 379-4969 Live music every weekend UNITY PLAZA, 220 Riverside Ave. Live music every weekend

ST. AUGUSTINE

CELLAR UPSTAIRS, 157 King St., 826-1594 TJ Brown 2 p.m. Dec. 27. Evan D Dec. 28 DOS COFFEE & WINE, 300 San Marco Ave., 342-2421 Live music every weekend MARDI GRAS, 123 San Marco Ave., 823-8806 Salty Dawg 9 p.m. Dec. 23. Fre Gordon, acoustic open mic 7 p.m. every Sun. Justin Gurnsey, Musicians Exchange 8 p.m. Mon. PLANET SARBEZ, 115 Anastasia Blvd., 342-0632 Rosedale 8 p.m. Dec. 28 SHANGHAI NOBBY’S, 10 Anastasia Blvd., 547-2188 Live music most weekends TEMPO, 16 Cathedral Pl., 342-0286 Douglas Arrington 8 p.m. Dec. 22. Ricardo Perez, Jax English Salsa Band 6 p.m.

Dec. 23. Jazzy Blue, Bluez Dudez Dec. 24. Open mic 7:30 p.m. every Wed. TRADEWINDS LOUNGE, 124 Charlotte St., 829-9336 Cottonmouth 9 p.m. Dec. 23 & 24. Carrick, Wilson Hunter

Band every Wed. JP Driver every Thur. Elizabeth Roth every Sat. Keith Godwin & the Rio Grande Band every Sun. Mark Hart, DVB every Mon. Mark Hart, Those Guys every Tue. Live music every night

SAN MARCO

JACK RABBITS, 1528 Hendricks Ave., 398-7496 Sunghosts, Future Thieves 7 p.m. Dec. 21. Upchurch The Redneck, John Legit 8 p.m. Dec. 22. Inspection 12 8 p.m.

Dec. 23. Tomboi 8 p.m. Dec. 25. Rickolus, Complicated Animals, Jackie Stranger 8 p.m. Dec. 27. Medal Militia (Metallica Tribute), Automatik Fit 8 p.m. Dec. 28 MUDVILLE Music Room, 3104 Atlantic Blvd., 352-7008 Mike Bernos, Madi Carr 7:30 p.m. Dec. 22

SOUTHSIDE + BAYMEADOWS

CORNER BISTRO & WINE BAR, 9823 Tapestry Park Circle, 619-1931 Matthew Hall 8 p.m. every Thur.-Sat. GREEK STREET CAFÉ, 3546 St. Johns Bluff Rd. S., 503-0620 Tavernalive 6 p.m. every Mon. MELLOW MUSHROOM PIZZA BAKERS, 9734 Deer Lake Ct., 997-1955 Ryan Crary Dec. 23. Charlie Walker Dec. 29.

Live music every Thur.-Sun. WHISKEY JAX, 10915 Baymeadows Rd., 634-7208 Melissa Smith open mic every Thur. Blues jam every Sun. Murray Goff, Country Jam every Wed.

SPRINGFIELD + NORTHSIDE

BOSTON’S, 13070 City Station Dr., 751-7499 Shayne Rammler 9 p.m. Dec. 22 MELLOW MUSHROOM Pizza Bakers, 15170 Max Leggett Pkwy., 757-8843 Live music most every weekend SANDOLLAR, 9716 Heckscher Dr., 251-2449 Live music every Fri.-Sun. SHANTYTOWN PUB, 22 W. Sixth St., 798-8222 Live music every weekend

_________________________________________ To list your band’s gig, please send time, date, location (street address, city), admission price, and a contact number to print to Daniel A. Brown, email dbrown@folioweekly.com or by the U.S. Postal Service, 45 W. Bay St., Ste. 103, Jacksonville FL 32202. Events run on a space-available basis. Deadline is at noon every Wednesday for the next Wednesday’s publication.

DECEMBER 21-27, 2016 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 29

FOLIO DINING In addition to exotic fare like charbroiled kabobs and other ethnic favorites, Southside’s Taverna Yamas offers a deep Greek wine selection and live belly dancing. photo by Dennis Ho

AMELIA ISLAND + FERNANDINA BEACH

29 SOUTH EATS, 29 S. Third St., 277-7919, 29southrestaurant.com. Historic downtown bistro’s Chef Scotty Schwartz serves traditional regional cuisine with a modern twist. $$ L Tu-Sa; D M.-Sa; R Sa THE AMELIA TAVERN, 318 Centre St., 310-6088, theameliatavern.com. Contemporary hand-crafted, locally sourced comfort fare: local shrimp, small/big plates, organic greens, sandwiches. $$ FB TO D M; L & D Tu-Sa; Brunch Su. BEACH DINER, 2006 S. Eighth St., 310-3750, beachdiner. com. Innovative breakfast: Eggs on the Bayou, fish-n-grits; French toast, riders, omelets. Lunch fare: salads, burgers, sandwiches, shrimp & crabmeat salad. $ K TO B R L Daily BRETT’S WATERWAY CAFÉ, 1 S. Front St., 261-2660. F On the water at Centre Street’s end, it’s Southern hospitality in an upscale atmosphere; daily specials, fresh local seafood, aged beef. $$$ FB L D Daily CAFÉ KARIBO, 27 N. Third St., 277-5269, cafekaribo.com.

F In historic building, family-owned café has worldly fare, made-from-scratch dressings, sauces, desserts, sourcing fresh greens, veggies, seafood. Dine in or al fresco under oak-shaded patio. Microbrew Karibrew Pub has beer brewed onsite, imports. $$ FB K TO R, Su; L Daily, D Tu-Su in season CHEZ LEZAN BAKERY CO., 1014 Atlantic Ave., 491-4663, chezlezanbakery.com. Fresh European-style breads, pastries: croissants, muffins, cakes, pies. $ TO B R L Daily THE CRAB TRAP, 31 N. Second St., 261-4749, ameliacrab trap.com. F Nearly 40 years, family-owned-and-operated.

Fresh local seafood, steaks, specials. HH. $$ FB L D Daily DAVID’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE, 802 Ash St., 310-6049, ameliaislanddavids.com. Steaks, fresh seafood, rack of lamb

DINING DIRECTORY KEY AVERAGE ENTRÉE COST $ $$

$

< $10

$$$

10- 20

$$$$

$

$

20-$35 > $35

ABBREVIATIONS & SPECIAL NOTES BW = Beer/Wine

L = Lunch

FB = Full Bar

D = Dinner Bite Club = Hosted Free Folio Weekly Bite Club Event F = Folio Weekly Distribution Spot

K = Kids’ Menu TO = Take Out B = Breakfast R = Brunch

To list your restaurant, call your account manager or call or text SAM TAYLOR, GO Folio Weekly publisher, at 904-860-2465 (email: staylor@folioweekly.com).

30 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 21-27, 2016

and ribeye, Chilean sea bass, in an upscale atmosphere. Chef Wesley Cox has a new lounge menu. $$$$ FB D Nightly DICK’S WINGS & GRILL, 474313 E. S.R. 200, 310-6945. 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE ORANGE PARK. GREEN TURTLE TAVERN, 14 S. Third St., 321-2324, greenturtletavern.com. Legendary hangout in a historic shotgun shack; Chicago-style Vienna beef hot dogs, pub fare, cold beer, bourbon selection, chill vibe. $ FB L D Daily JACK & DIANE’S, 708 Centre St., 321-1444, jackanddianescafe.com. F Renovated 1887 shotgun house.

Faves: jambalaya, French toast, pancakes, mac & cheese, crêpes. Vegan items. Inside or porch overlooking historic area. $$ BW K TO B L D Daily LA MANCHA, 2709 Sadler Rd., 261-4646. Spanish, Portuguese fare, Brazilian flair. Tapas, seafood, steaks, sangria. Drink specials. AYCE paella Sun. $$$ FB K TO D Nightly LARRY’S SUBS, 474272 S.R. 200, 844-2225. F SEE ORANGE PARK. LECHONERA EL COQUÍ, 232 N. Second St., 432-7545. New Puerto Rican place. Chulleta kan kan (pork chops), Tripletta churosco sandwich, more. $ FB TO L D Tu-Su MOON RIVER PIZZA, 925 S. 14th St., 321-3400, moonriverpizza.net. F 2016 Best of Jax Winner. Authentic Northern-style pizzas, 20+ toppings, pie/slice. Calzones, salads. $ BW TO L D M-Sa THE MUSTARD SEED CAFÉ, 833 Courson Rd., 277-3141, nassaushealthfoods.net. Casual organic eatery, juice bar, in Nassau Health Foods. All-natural organic items, smoothies, juices, herbal teas, coffees, daily specials. $$ K TO B L M-Sa NANA TERESA’S BAKE SHOP, 31 S. Fifth St., 277-7977, nanateresa.com. Everything’s made with organic ingredients when possible. Cupcakes, cakes, pies, cheesecakes, cookies, pastries, specialties. $ TO Tu-Su PABLO’S MEXICAN CUISINE, 12 N. Second St., 261-0049, pablosmg1.com. In historic district; authentic Mexican fare: chimichangas, fajitas, burritos, tacos, daily specials, vegetarian. $$ FB K TO D M-Thu; L & D F-Sa THE PATIO PLACE, 416 Ash St., 410-3717, patioplacebistro. com. Bistro/wine bar/crêperie’s menu of global fare uses crêpes: starters, entrées, shareables, desserts. $$ BW TO B L D Tu-Su POINTE RESTAURANT, 98 S. Fletcher Ave., 277-4851, elizabethpointelodge.com. 2016 Best of Jax Winner. In award-winning inn Elizabeth Pointe Lodge. Seaside dining, open to public. Dine in or out. Hot buffet breakfast daily, full lunch menu. Homestyle soups, specialty sandwiches, salads, desserts. $$$ BW K B L D Daily THE SALTY PELICAN BAR & GRILL, 12 N. Front St., 2773811, thesaltypelicanamelia.com. F ’16 Boj Winner.

2nd-story outdoor bar. Owners T.J. & Al offer local seafood, fish tacos, Mayport shrimp, po’boys, cheese oysters. $$ FB K L D Daily SLIDERS SEASIDE GRILL, 1998 S. Fletcher Ave., 277-6652, slidersseaside.com. F 2016 BOJ Winner. Oceanfront.

Award-winning handmade crabcakes, fried pickles, fresh seafood. Open-air 2nd floor balcony, playground. $$ FB K L D Daily TASTY’S BURGERS & FRIES, 710 Centre St., 321-0409, tastysamelia.com. In historic district, fresh fast-food alternative. Fresh meats, handcut fries, homemade sauces/ soups, handspun shakes. $ BW K L D Daily T-RAY’S BURGER STATION, 202 S. Eighth St., 261-6310. F Family-owned-and-operated 18+ years. Blue plate specials, burgers, biscuits & gravy, shrimp. $ BW TO B L M-Sa TROPICAL SMOOTHIE CAFÉ, 463909 S.R. 200, Ste. 6, Yulee, 468-7099, tropicalsmoothie.com. Flatbreads, sandwiches, wraps. Smoothies: classic, superfoods, supercharged, indulgent. $ TO B L D Daily

DINING DIRECTORY ARLINGTON + REGENCY

DICK’S WINGS, 9119 Merrill Rd., Ste. 19, 745-9300. 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE ORANGE PARK. LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 1301 Monument Rd., Ste. 5, 724-5802. F SEE ORANGE PARK. SID & LINDA’S SEAFOOD MARKET & RESTAURANT, 12220 Atlantic Blvd., Ste. 109, 503-8276. Pick a whole fresh fish, have it cleaned, filleted, cooked to order. Dine in, take out.

Housemade sauces. $$ K TO L D Daily

AVONDALE + ORTEGA

CHOMP CHOMP, 4162 Herschel St., 329-1679. Relocated.

Chef-inspired: The Philadelphia Experiment (sweet pork over arugula), panko-crusted chicken, burgers, Waldorf salad, bahn mi, Southern fried chicken, The Come Up (portabella mushroom, green tomato salsa, almonds). Curry Chomp chips, pasta salad.

HH. $ BW L D Mon.-Sat. THE FOX RESTAURANT, 3580 St. Johns Ave., 387-2669.

Owners Ian and Mary Chase offer fresh fare, homemade desserts. Breakfast all day; signature items: burgers, meatloaf, fried green tomatoes. $$ BW K L D Daily HARPOON LOUIE’S, 4070 Herschel St., Ste. 8, 389-5631, harpoonlouies.net. F Locally owned & operated 20+ years.

American pub. 1/2-lb. burgers, fish sandwiches, pasta. Local beers, HH. $$ FB K TO L D Daily MELLOW MUSHROOM, 3611 St. Johns Ave., 388-0200. F Bite Club. 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE BEACHES. PINEGROVE MARKET & DELI, 1511 PineGrove Ave., 389-8655, pinegrovemarket.com. F 2016 Best of Jax Winner. 40+ years. Burgers, Cubans, subs, wraps. Onsite butcher, USDA choice prime aged beef. Craft beers. Fri. & Sat. fish fry. $ BW TO B L D M-Sa RESTAURANT ORSAY, 3630 Park St., 381-0909, restaurant orsay.com. 2016 Best of Jax Winner. French/Southern bistro; local organic ingredients. Steak frites, mussels, pork chops. $$$ FB R, Su; D Nightly SIMPLY SARA’S, 2902 Corinthian Ave., 387-1000, simplysaras.net. F Down-home fare from scratch: eggplant fries, pimento cheese, baked chicken, fruit cobblers, chicken & dumplings, desserts. BYOB. $$ K TO L D Tu-Sa, B Sa

BAYMEADOWS

AL’S PIZZA, 8060 Philips Hwy., Ste. 105, 731-4300. F 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE BEACHES. INDIA’S, 9802 Baymeadows Rd., Ste. 8, 620-0777, indiajax. com. F 2016 Best of Jax Winner. Authentic cuisine, lunch buffet. Curries, vegetables, lamb, chicken, shrimp, fish tandoori. $$ BW L M-Sa; D Nightly LARRY’S SUBS, 8616 Baymeadows Rd., 739-2498. F SEE ORANGE PARK.

GRILL ME!

EUROPEAN STREET CAFÉ, 992 Beach Blvd., 249-3001, europeanstreet.com. F SEE RIVERSIDE. FAMOUS TOASTERY, 311 N. Third St., 372-0712, famous toastery.com. Corned beef hash, gluten-free pancakes, bacon, omelets, eggs, toast. Wraps, Bloody Marys, mimosas, peach Bellini. $$ FB K TO B L Daily THE FISH COMPANY RESTAURANT, 725 Atlantic Blvd., Ste. 12, AB, 246-0123, thefishcojax.com. Bite Club.

Oyster raw bar, fresh local seafood, Mayport shrimp, crab, lobster. Homestyle desserts. Patio; all-day HH Sun. $$ FB K TO L D Daily FLAMING SEAFOOD & SHAO KAO BBQ, 1289 Penman Rd., 853-6398. New place (is it Chinese? Barbecue? Seafood?) serves meats and vegetables, spiced, skewered on bamboo sticks – like Chinese street food. $ BW TO L D Daily FLYING IGUANA Taqueria & Tequila Bar, 207 Atlantic Blvd., NB, 853-5680, flyingiguana.com. F Latin American: tacos, seafood, carnitas, Cubana fare. 100+ tequilas. $ FB TO L D Daily GUSTO, 1266 Beach Blvd., 372-9925, gustojax.com. Classic Old World Roman cuisine, large Italian menu: homestyle pasta, beef, chicken, fish delicacies; open pizza-tossing kitchen.

Reservations encouraged. $$ FB TO L R D Tu-Su The HASH HOUSE, 610 Third St. S., 422-0644, thelovingcuphashhouse.com. Locally sourced, locally roasted coffees, gluten-free, vegan, vegetarian; no GMOs/ hormones. $ K TO B R L Daily LARRY’S Subs, 657 Third St. N., 247-9620. F SEE O. PARK. MELLOW MUSHROOM PIZZA BAKERS, 1018 Third St. N., Ste. 2, 241-5600, mellowmushroom.com. F Bite Club. 2016 Best of Jax Winner. Hoagies, gourmet pizzas: Mighty Meaty, vegetarian, Kosmic Karma. 35 tap beers. Nonstop HH. $ FB K TO L D Daily METRO Diner, 1534 3rd St. N., 853-6817. F ’16 BOJ. SEE SAN MARCO. M SHACK, 299 Atlantic Blvd., AB, 241-2599, shackburgers.com.

Burgers, hot dogs, fries, shakes. Dine in/out. $$ BW L D Daily NATIVE SUN NATURAL FOODS MARKET & DELI, 1585 Third St. N., 458-1390. 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE MANDARIN. PARSONS SEAFOOD RESTAURANT, 1451 Atlantic Blvd., NB, 595-5789, parsonsseafoodrestaurant.com. The landmark place moved; still serving local seafood dishes, sides, specialty fare. $$ FB K TO L D Tu-Su POE’S TAVERN, 363 Atlantic Blvd., AB, 241-7637, poestavern.com. Gastropub, 50+ beers, burgers, fish tacos, Edgar’s Drunken Chili, daily fish sandwich special. $$ FB K L D Daily RAGTIME TAVERN SEAFOOD & GRILL, 207 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 241-7877, ragtimetavern.com. F 30+ years, iconic seafood place. Blackened snapper, sesame tuna, Ragtime shrimp. Daily HH, brunch Sun. $$ FB L D Daily

JEFFREY FORREST

Five Points Tavern 1521 Margaret St., Riverside

Born in: Jacksonville, Florida Years in the Biz: 35 Fave Restaurant: Gunter Seeger, NYC Fave Cuisine Style: Simple Fave Ingredients: Butter, salt, fresh herbs and spices Ideal Meal: Anything someone else cooks for me!

Will Not Cross My Lips: Overcooked steak Insider's Secret: Duck fat Taste Treat: Fresh local seafood and Alsatian Riesling METRO DINER, 9802 Baymeadows Rd., 425-9142. F 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE SAN MARCO. NATIVE SUN Natural Foods Market & Deli, 11030 Baymeadows Rd., 260-2791. 2016 Best of Jax Winner.

SEE MANDARIN. THE WELL WATERING HOLE, 3928 Baymeadows Rd., Ste. 9, 737-7740, thewellwateringhole.com. Local craft beers, glass/ bottle wines. Meatloaf sandwich, pulled Peruvian chicken, vegan black bean burgers. $$ BW K TO L M-F; D Tu-Sa TEQUILAS, 10915 Baymeadows Rd., Ste. 101, 363-1365, tequilasjacksonville.com. New Mexican place has casa-style dishes made with fresh, spicy hot ingredients. Vegetarian option. Top-shelf tequilas, drink specials. $$ FB K TO L D Daily WHISKEY JAX, 10915 Baymeadows Rd., Ste. 135, 634-7208, whiskeyjax.com. Gastropub. Craft beers, gourmet burgers, handhelds, street fare tacos, signature plates, whiskey. HH. $$ FB L D F-Su; D Nightly

BEACHES

(Venues are in Jax Beach unless otherwise noted.)

AL’S PIZZA, 303 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 249-0002, alspizza.com. F 2016 Best of Jax Winner. NY-style gourmet pizzas, baked dishes. 28+ years. All day HH M-Thu. $ FB K TO L D Daily ANGIE’S SUBS, 1436 Beach Blvd., 246-2519. ANGIE’S Grom Subs, 204 Third Ave. S., 241-3663. Fresh ingredients, 25+ years. Huge salads, blue-ribbon iced tea. Grom has Sun. brunch, no alcohol. $ K BW TO L D Daily BEACH DINER, 501 Atlantic Blvd., AB, 249-6500. SEE AMELIA. BEACH HUT CAFÉ, 1281 Third St. S., 249-3516. 28+ years.

Full breakfast menu all day (darn good grits); hot plate specials Mon.-Fri. $ K TO B R L Daily CRUISERS GRILL, 319 23rd Ave. S., 270-0356, cruisersgrill. com. 2016 Best of Jax Winner. Locally owned & operated 20+ years. Half-pound burgers, fish sandwiches, big salads, award-winning cheddar fries, sangria. $ BW K TO L D Daily

SALT LIFE FOOD SHACK, 1018 Third St. N., 372-4456, saltlifefoodshack.com. Specialty items, tuna poke bowl, fresh sushi, Ensenada tacos, local fried shrimp. $$ FB K TO L D Daily SEACHASERS, 831 First St. N., 372-0444, seachasers.com.

Four areas: First Street Bar, Music Room, Beach Bar, Dining Room. Daily HH. In or on patio. $$ FB L D Daily SLIDERS SEAFOOD GRILLE & OYSTER BAR, 218 First St., NB, 246-0881, slidersseafoodgrille.com. Beach-casual spot. Faves: Fresh fish tacos, gumbo. Key lime pie, ice cream sandwiches. Brunch Sun. $$ FB K L Sa/Su; D Nightly SURFWICHES Sandwich Shop, 1537 Penman Rd., 241-6996, surfwiches.com. Craft sandwich shop. Yankee-style steak sandwiches, hoagies, all made to order. $ BW TO K L D Daily THIS CHICK’S KITCHEN, 353 Sixth Ave. S., 778-5404, thischickskitchen.com. Farm-to-table restaurant serving healthful, locally sourced clean meals. Gluten-free, vegan, vegetarian options. $$ TO L D W-Sa V PIZZA, 528 First St. N., 853-6633, vpizza.com. Traditional Neapolitana artisan pizza from Naples – Italy, not Florida, made with fresh ingredients. $$ FB TO L D Daily

CAMDEN COUNTY, GEORGIA

CAPTAIN STAN’S SMOKEHOUSE, 700 Bedell Dr., Woodbine, 912-729-9552 All kinds of barbecue, sides, hot dogs, burgers, desserts. Dine in or out on picnic tables. $$ FB K TO L & D Tu-Sa MALSONS BBQ, 1330 Boone Ave., Kingsland, 912-882-4355.

This is real barbecue – smokers onsite. Burgers, wings, plates, ribs, sausages, beans. Dine in or out. $ K TO L & D Daily SALT.PEPPER.THYME, 105 N. Lee St., Kingsland, 912-5100444, saltpepperthyme.net. Varied American Southern fare.

Dine in or out. $$ BW K TO L W; L & D Th-S STEFFENS RESTAURANT, 550 S. Lee St., Kingsland, 912-729-5355, steffensrestaurant.com. Southern scratchmade menu. $-$$ K TO B, L & D M-Sa; B & L Su

CHEFFED-UP

SEASONS

EATINGS Celebrate the holidays with your BEST TASTE buds

THE HO HOLI HOLIDAYS LID DAYS ARE IN FULL SWING SWING. FOR MANY in the food service industry, it’s the time of year to make hay. Yes, like the retail industry, a large portion of our yearly income is made between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day. For a solid decade, my standard response when anyone asked about my Christmas was: “It was great. I was at this beautiful hotel with amazing food and my friends.” Of course, I was at work! No regrets, I yam what I yam.

Memories are always the most lasting of all holiday gifts, and mine seem to always be about food. My wife likes to make fun of me because I remember all big events in my life by what we ate.

Yeah, maybe. But what’s so bad about that, I ask?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! For two years in a row when I was a kid, we had TV dinners on Christmas Eve. Spaghetti and meatballs. I can still taste it, and, boy, was it good.

Thinking of it still makes me smile. When I was first married, my wife’s aunt brought lasagna for Christmas. How’s that for traditional? It was great.

For the last few years, I’ve had holidays off.

While most of y’all are stressed about what gifts to buy, I’m thinking about what I should make and eat. Believe it or not, I really enjoy this because, unlike the dreaded Thanksgiving, there are no rules. The only tradition is to respect deliciousness.

On Christmas Eve this year, it’s gonna be a classic Ragout Bolognese. No, shoemakers, not the grey, ground beef version in tomato sauce that you foolishly cherish. This will be the heavenly country-style version, which requires freshly ground beef shank, pork shoulder, pancetta and prosciutto (and maybe chicken livers).

The secret is … technique! Big surprise, eh?

For success, you must brown the meats in batches at medium-high heat to completely caramelize the sugars. Next, the reduction of the wine and beef broth and finally, what truly makes it a classic Bolognese style ragout – the gentle simmering of the meats in milk for hours upon hours.

Handmade egg tagliatelle is the natural partner for this incredible work of art, along with plenty of Parmigiano Reggiano grated on top.

Try this egg pasta dough and maybe the duck ragout recipe I gave you in the Columbus Day article.

CHEFFED-UP

CHEF BILL’S EGG PASTA DOUGH

Ingredients: •• 2-3/4 cups all-purpose flour •• 1/4 cup semolina flour •• 6 eggs, lightly beaten •• 1/2 tsp. extra virgin olive oil •• A pinch of fine sea salt Directions: • 1. Reserve 1/2 cup of flour.

• 2. Make a mound of the flour and make a well • in the center.

• 3. Mix the olive oil with the eggs.

• 4. Put the eggs and olive oil mixture in the well, • using a fork begin to mix the flour into the eggs.

• 5. Continue until all the flour is incorporated.

• Adjust the consistency with additional flour • as needed.

• 6. Let rest at room temperature for 30 minutes.

• 7. Roll out as needed.

Until we cook again, Chef Bill Thompson cheffedup@folioweekly.com ______________________________________ Contact Chef Bill Thompson, owner of Amelia Island Culinary Academy in Fernandina Beach, at cheffedup@folioweekly.com with your recipes or questions, to find inspiration and get you Cheffed Up! DECEMBER 21-27, 2016 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 31

DINING DIRECTORY PINT-SIZED Before he was the JOLLY OL’ ELF, St. Nick had brewers’ backs

SANTA CLAUS:

THE PATRON SAINT OF BEER?

OVER THE PAST TWO MILLENNIA, SANTA CLAUS has evolved to become the symbol of Christmas the world over. But, before he became the Jolly Ol’ Elf, he was a real man known for protecting children and, in at least one occurrence, saving them from a life of prostitution. Yes, Kris Kringle dealt with some heavy issues when he was called Nicholas of Myra, a small town on the southern shores of Greece. Later, after his death, he became known as St. Nicholas, the patron saint of many, including children and brewers.

Eventually, St. Nicholas became revered as a bringer of gifts to deserving children and the harbinger of punishment to wicked ones. Hence, the legend of Santa Claus took shape. There were notable asides, like when St. Nick fell out of favor during the Protestant Reformation in the 16th century, when the baby Jesus took over the job of gift-giver; the enforcer job went to much scarier sidekicks, like Krampus and Pelznickel.

In the early 19th century, the pendulum swung back in favor of a more jolly holiday entity, due to poems like “A Visit from St. Nicholas” – now known as “’Twas the Night Before Christmas.”

This Santa Claus – a name derived from The Netherlands’ Sinterklaas – was not yet the red-suit-sporting, kindly resident of the North Pole we all know and love, but he was getting closer.

And, as popularity grew, advertisers took notice and the red-suited version became the hawker of everything from cigarettes to soda to beer.

Here things ran afoul of the delicate sensibilities of temperance types. Santa, teetotalers said, was too wholesome an image to be associated with beer, which was, in their opinion, inherently evil. Unfortunately, these abolitionists made an impression on lawmakers. Until recently, it was difficult to get a beer with even a passing reference to Santa Claus in its name or on its label.

That meant that beers like the whimsically dubbed Santa’s Butt Winter Porter, Bad Elf India Pale Ale, Very Bad Elf Special Reserve Ale and several other brews from Ridgeway Brewery in Oxfordshire, England were not available to beer-lovers in nearly 30 American states. Oddly, it was possible to obtain the strong lager Samichlaus, which translates to “Santa Claus,” from Germany’s Schloss Eggenberg.

To right this egregious wrong, Shelton Brothers, a Massachusetts-based beer importer, filed suit in 2006. The suit alleged First Amendment rights violations by states censoring the labels. Thereafter, states slowly relaxed their bans.

Today, if you are very, very good, you may even find one of these Santa-themed beers under your tree.

PINT-SIZED

ROGUE ALES SANTA’S PRIVATE RESERVE ALE A three-time Gold Medal winner at World Beer Championships, this double-hopped red ale is sure to bring out the jolly in any ol’ elf.

RIDGEWAY BREWING CRIMINALLY BAD ELF ALE At 10.5 percent ABV, this English Barleywine packs a sleighful of holiday cheer. Just be sure to park the reindeer in a safe place.

BROUWERIJ HUYGHE DELIRIUM NOËL All right, so it doesn’t have Santa on its label, but it does have a pink elephant in a Santa hat and I say that’s good enough. As a holiday treat, this Belgian Strong Ale is hard to beat. At 10 percent ABV, though, don’t over-imbibe or you’ll be seeing pink elephants everywhere.

Marc Wisdom marc@folioweekly.com 32 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 21-27, 2016

DOWNTOWN

AKEL’S DELICATESSEN, 21 W. Church St., 665-7324. 50 N. Laura St., Ste. 125, 446-3119, akelsdeli.com. F NYC-style deli. Fresh subs, sandwiches, burgers, gyros, wraps, vegetarian, breakfast, signature dressings. $ K TO B L M-F THE BANK BAR B Q & BAKERY, 331 W. Forsyth St., 388-1600, thebankbbq.com. 28 years’ experience means barbecue done right. Onsite bakery has specialty cakes. $ TO L & D M-F CANDY APPLE CAFÉ & COCKTAILS, 400 N. Hogan, 353-9717, thecandyapplecafeandcocktails.com. Chef-driven Southern/ French cuisine, sandwiches, entrées. $$ FB K L Daily; D Tu-Sa CASA DORA, 108 E. Forsyth St., 356-8282, casadoraitalian. com. F Chef Sam Hamidi serves Italian fare, 40+ years: veal, seafood, pizza. Homemade salad dressing. $ BW K L M-F; D M-Sa FIONN MACCOOL’S IRISH PUB & RESTAURANT, Jax Landing, Ste. 176, 374-1547, fionnmacs.com. Casual dining, uptown Irish atmosphere; fish & chips, Guinness lamb stew, black-andtan brownies. $$ FB K L D Daily INDOCHINE, 21 E. Adams St., Ste. 200, 598-5303, indochine jax.com. 2016 Best of Jax Winner. Thai, Southeast Asian cuisine. Signature dishes: chicken Satay, soft shell crab; mango, sticky rice dessert. $$ FB TO L D M-F; D Tu-Sa LANNA THAI SUSHI, Jax Landing, Ste. 222, 425-2702, lannathaijax.com. Fresh herbs, spices, sushi, shrimp, specials.

HH. $$ FB K TO L M-F; D Nightly OLIO MARKET, 301 E. Bay St., 356-7100, oliomarket.com.

F Scratch soups, sandwiches. Duck grilled cheese, seen on Best Sandwich in America. $$ BW TO B R L M-F; D F & Sa URBAN GRIND COFFEE COMPANY, 45 W. Bay, Ste. 102, 866-395-3954, 516-7799, urbangrind.coffee. Locally roasted whole bean brewed coffees, espressos, pastries, smoothies, bagels. Chicken/tuna salad, sandwiches. WiFi. $ B L M-F. URBAN GRIND EXPRESS, 50 W. Laura, 516-7799. SEE ABOVE. ZODIAC BAR & GRILL, 120 W. Adams St., 354-8283, thezodiacbarandgrill.com. 16+ years. Mediterranean cuisine, American fare, paninis, vegetarian dishes. Daily lunch buffet.

Espressos, hookahs. HH M-F $ FB L M-F; D W-Sa

FLEMING ISLAND

DICK’S WINGS, 1803 East-West Parkway, 375-2559. 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE ORANGE PARK. GRASSROOTS NATURAL MARKET, 1915 East-West Parkway, 541-0009. F SEE RIVERSIDE. MELLOW MUSHROOM, 1800 Town Ctr. Blvd., 541-1999. F Bite Club. 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE BEACHES. TAPS Bar & Grill, 1605 C.R. 220, Ste. 145, 278-9421, taps publichouse.com. 2016 BOJ Winner. 50+ premium domestic, import tap beer. Burgers, sandwiches, entrées. $$ FB K L D Daily WHITEY’S FISH CAMP, 2032 C.R. 220, 269-4198, whiteys fishcamp.com. F Real fish camp. Gator tail, freshwater catfish, daily specials, on Swimming Pen Creek. Tiki bar. Come by boat, bike or car. $ FB K TO L Tu-Su; D Nightly

INTRACOASTAL WEST

AL’S PIZZA, 14286 Beach Blvd., Ste. 31, 223-0991. F 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE BEACHES. DICK’S WINGS, 14286 Beach Blvd., Ste. 32, 223-0115. 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE ORANGE PARK. GERMAN SCHNITZEL HAUS, 13475 Atlantic Blvd., Ste. 40, 221-9700, germanjax.com. Authentic German/fusion fare: schnitzels, plus bratwurst, stroganoff, käsesspätzle. 13 German beers in bottles, on tap. Bar bites, cocktails. Outdoor BierGarten.

HH Tu-Thur. $$ FB L & D Tu-Su LARRY’S, 10750 Atlantic Blvd., Ste. 14, 642-6980. F SEE ORANGE PARK SURFWICHES SANDWICH SHOP, 14286 Beach Blvd., Ste. 29, 559-5301. SEE BEACHES.

MANDARIN + NW ST. JOHNS

AKEL’S DELI, 12926 Granbay Pkwy. W., 880-2008. F SEE DOWNTOWN. AL’S PIZZA, 11190 San Jose Blvd., 260-4115. F 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE BEACHES. BARKING SPIDER PUB, 10092 San Jose Blvd., 260-3102.

Casual laid-back hang. Bar fare: hot dogs, chicken fingers, Philly cheesesteaks, burgers, cheese sticks. HH. $ FB D Nightly BEACH DINER, 11362 San Jose Blvd., 683-0079. SEE AMELIA. CRUISERS, 5613 San Jose Blvd., 737-2874. 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE BEACHES. DICK’S WINGS, 100 Marketside Ave., 829-8134. 965 S.R. 16, 825-4540. 1610 University Blvd. W., 448-2110. 10391 Old St. Augustine, 880-7087. 2016 Best of Jax Winner.

SEE ORANGE PARK. ENZA’S ITALIAN RESTAURANT, 10601 San Jose Blvd., Ste. 109, 268-4458, enzas.net. Family-owned; Italian cuisine, veal, seafood, specials. $$$ FB K TO D Tu-Su FIRST COAST Deli & Grill, 6082 St. Augustine Rd., 733-7477.

Pancakes, bacon, sandwiches, burgers, wings. $ K TO B L Daily JAX DINER, 5065 St. Augustine Rd.,739-7070. New spot serves local produce, meats, breads, seafood. $ TO B L Daily METRO DINER, 12807 San Jose Blvd., 638-6185. F 2016 Best of Jax Winner. Dinner nightly. SEE SAN MARCO. NATIVE SUN NATURAL FOODS MARKET & DELI, 10000 San Jose Blvd., 260-6950, nativesunjax.com. F 2016 BOJ Winner. Organic soups, baked items, sandwiches, prepared foods. Juice, smoothie, coffee bar. All-natural beer/wine. $ BW TO K B L D Daily TAPS BAR & GRILL, 2220 C.R. 210 W., Ste. 314, 819-1554.

2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE FLEMING ISLAND. V PIZZA, 12601 San Jose Blvd., 647-9424. SEE SAN MARCO. WHOLE FOODS MARKET, 10601 San Jose, Ste. 22, 288-1100, wholefoodsmarket.com. Prepared-food dept. 80+ items, full & self-service bars: hot, salad, soup, dessert. Pizza, sushi, sandwich stations. Grapes, Hops & Grinds bar. $$ BW K TO B L D Daily

ORANGE PARK

DICK’S WINGS & GRILL, 6055 Youngerman Cir., 778-1101, dickswingsandgrill.com. 2016 Best of Jax Winner.

NASCAR-themed restaurant serves 365 varieties of wings, plus half-pound burgers, ribs, salads. $ FB K TO L D Daily

THE HILLTOP, 2030 Wells Rd., 272-5959, hilltop-club.com.

Southern fine dining. New Orleans shrimp, certified Black Angus prime rib, she-crab soup, desserts. Extensive bourbon selection. $$$ FB D Tu-Sa LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 1330 Blanding Blvd., Ste. 165, 276-7370. 1545 C.R. 220, 278-2827. 700 Blanding Blvd., Ste. 15, 272-3553. 5733 Roosevelt, 446-9500. 1401 S. Orange Ave., Green Cove, 284-7789, larryssubs.com. F Larry’s piles ’em high, serves ’em fast; 36+ years. Hot & cold subs, soups. Some Larry’s serve breakfast. $ K TO B L D Daily METRO DINER, 2034 Kingsley Ave., 375-8548. F 2016 Best of Jax Winner. Dinner nightly. SEE SAN MARCO. THE ROADHOUSE, 231 Blanding Blvd., 264-0611, road houseonline.net. Sandwiches, wings, burgers, quesadillas for 35+ years. 75+ imported beers. $ FB L D Daily THE URBAN BEAN COFFEEHOUSE CAFÉ, 2023 Park Ave., 541-4938, theurbanbeancoffeehouse.com. Locally-owned&-operated. Coffee, espresso, smoothies, teas. Omelets, bagels, paninis, flatbread, hummus, desserts. $$ K TO B L D Daily

PONTE VEDRA BEACH

AL’S PIZZA, 635 A1A, 543-1494. F 2016 BOJ Winner.

SEE BEACHES. BEACH DINER, 880 A1A N., Ste. 2, 273-6545. SEE AMELIA. LARRY’S SUBS, 830 A1A N., Ste. 6, 273-3993. F SEE ORANGE PARK. METRO DINER, 340 Front St., Ste. 700, 513-8422. F 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE SAN MARCO. TRASCA & CO. EATERY, 155 Tourside Dr., Ste. 1500, 395-3989, trascaandco.com. Handcrafted Italian-inspired sandwiches, craft beers (many locals), craft coffees. $$ BW TO L R D Daily

RIVERSIDE, 5 PTS + WESTSIDE

13 GYPSIES, 887 Stockton St., 389-0330, 13gypsies.com.

2016 Best of Jax Winner. Authentic Mediterranean cuisine: chorizo, tapas, blackened cod, pork skewers, coconut mango curry chicken. Breads from scratch. $$ BW L D Tu-Sa, R Sa AL’S PIZZA, 1620 Margaret St., Ste. 201, 388-8384. F 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE BEACHES. BLACK SHEEP, 1534 Oak St., 355-3793, blacksheep5points.com.

2016 BOJ. New American, Southern; local source ingredients.

Specials, rooftop bar. HH. $$$ FB R Sa & Su; L M-F; D Nightly BREW FIVE POINTS, 1024 Park St., 714-3402, brewfive points.com. F Local craft beers, espresso, coffees, wine.

Rotating drafts, 75+ can craft beers, tea. Waffles, toasts, desserts, coffees. $$ BW K B L Daily; late nite Tu-Sa BRIXX WOOD FIRED PIZZA, 220 Riverside Ave., 300-3928, brixxpizza.com. Pizzas, pastas, soups. Gluten-free options.

Daily specials, buy-one-get-one pizzas 10 p.m.-close. $$ FB K TO L D Daily CORNER TACO, 818 Post St., 240-0412, cornertaco.com.

Made-from-scratch “Mexclectic street food,” tacos, nachos, gluten-free, vegetarian options. $ BW L D Tu-Su CUMMER CAFÉ, Cummer Museum of Art & Gardens, 829 Riverside Ave., 356-6857, cummer.org. 2016 BOJ Winner.

Light lunch, quick bites, locally roasted coffee, espresso-based beverages, homemade soups, sandwiches, gourmet desserts, daily specials. Dine in or in gardens. $ BW K L D Tu; L W-Su DERBY ON PARK, 1068 Park St., 379-3343, derbyonpark. net. New American cuisine, upscale retro, historic building.

Oak Street Toast, shrimp & grits, lobster bites, 10-oz. gourmet burger. Dine inside or out. $$ FB TO Brunch Sa/Su; B, L D Tu-Su EUROPEAN STREET CAFÉ, 2753 Park St., 384-9999. 130+ import beers, 20 on tap. Sandwiches. Outside dining at some EStreets. $ BW K L D Daily FIVE POINTS TAVERN, 1521 Margaret St., 549-5063, fivepointstavern.com. New American cosmopolitan place serves chef-curated dishes in a relaxed environment. $$ FB TO L & D Tu-Su GRASSROOTS NATURAL MARKET, 2007 Park St., 384-4474, thegrassrootsmarket.com. F Juice bar uses certified organic fruits, veggies. Artisanal cheeses, 300 craft, import beers, 50 organic wines, produce, meats, vitamins, herbs, wraps, sides, sandwiches. $ BW TO B L D Daily HAWKERS ASIAN Street Fare, 1001 Park St., 508-0342, hawkerstreetfare.com. 2016 BOJ Winner. Authentic dishes from mobile stalls: BBQ pork char sui, beef haw fun, Hawkers baos, chow faan, grilled Hawker skewers. $ BW TO L D Daily HOBNOB, 220 Riverside Ave., Ste. 110, 513-4272, hobnob withus.com. Unity Plaza. Global inspiration, local intention – ahi poke tuna, jumbo lump crab tacos. $$ FB TO R L D Daily IL DESCO, 2665 Park St., 290-6711, ildescojax.com.

Authentic Italian cuisine; wood-fired pizzas, pasta, baked Italian dishes, raw bar, spaghetti tacos. Daily HH. $$-$$$ FB K TO L D Daily JOHNNY’S Deli & Grille, 474 Riverside Ave., 356-8055. F Casual; made-to-order sandwiches, wraps, breakfast. $ TO B L M-Sa KNEAD BAKESHOP, 1173 Edgewood Ave. S., 634-7617. Locally owned, family-run. Made-from-scratch creations: pastries, artisan breads, savory pies, specialty sandwiches, soups. $ TO B L Tu-Su LARRY’S SUBS, 1509 Margaret, 674-2794. 7895 Normandy, 781-7600. 8102 Blanding, 779-1933. F SEE ORANGE PARK. LITTLE JOE’S Café, 245 Riverside Ave., Ste. 195, 791-3336.

Riverview café. Soups, signature salad dressings. $ TO B L M-F METRO DINER, 4495 Roosevelt Blvd., 999-4600. F 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE SAN MARCO. MOON RIVER PIZZA, 1176 Edgewood Ave. S., 389-4442. F 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE AMELIA ISLAND. M SHACK, 1012 Margaret St., 423-1283. SEE BEACHES. RAIN DOGS, 1045 Park St., 379-4969. 2016 Best of Jax Winner. Local-centric bar food: boiled peanuts, hummus, chili, cheese plate, pork sliders, nachos, herbivore items. $ D Nightly SOUTHERN ROOTS Filling Station, 1275 King St., 513-4726, southernrootsjax.com. 2016 BOJ Winner. Fresh vegan fare; local, organic ingredients. Specials, on bread, local greens/rice, change daily. Sandwiches, coffees, teas. $ Tu-Su SUSHI CAFÉ, 2025 Riverside Ave., Ste. 204, 384-2888, sushicafejax.com. F 2016 BOJ. Monster, Rock-n-Roll, Dynamite Roll. Hibachi, tempura, katsu, teriyaki. Inside/patio. $$ BW L D Daily

TAMARIND THAI, 1661 Riverside Ave., Ste. 123, 329-3180.

SEE DOWNTOWN.

ST. AUGUSTINE

AL’S PIZZA, 1 St. George St., 824-4383. F 2016 BOJ. SEE BEACHES. CRUISERS GRILL, 3 St. George St., 824-6993. 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE BEACHES. DICK’S WINGS, 4010 U.S. 1 S., 547-2669. 2016 BOJ. SEE ORANGE PARK. THE FLORIDIAN, 72 Spanish St., 829-0655, thefloridian staug.com. 2016 Best of Jax Winner. Updated Southern fare; fresh, local ingredients from area farms. Vegetarian, gluten-free option. Signature fried green tomato bruschetta, blackened fish cornbread stack; grits w/shrimp/fish/tofu. $$$ BW K TO L D W-M GAS FULL SERVICE Restaurant, 9 Anastasia, Ste. C, 217-0326. Changing menu; fresh, local, homemade. Meatloaf, veggie/traditional burgers, seafood, steaks; seasonal, daily specials, made-from-scratch desserts. $$ BW K TO L D Tu-Sa GYPSY CAB COMPANY, 828 Anastasia Blvd., 824-8244, gypsycab.com. F 33+ years. Varied urban cuisine menu changes twice daily. Signature: Gypsy chicken. Seafood, tofu, duck, veal. $$ FB R Su; L D Daily MARDI GRAS SPORTS BAR, 123 San Marco Ave., 347-3288, mardibar.com. Wings, nachos, shrimp, chicken, Phillys, sliders, soft pretzels. $$ FB TO L D Daily MBQUE, 604 Anastasia Blvd., 484-7472. Southern-style.

Milkshakes, kale salad. Housemade rubs, sauces. Platters, ribs, brisket, pork, chicken, sausage. $$ BW K TO L D Daily MELLOW MUSHROOM, 410 Anastasia Blvd., 826-4040. F Bite Club. 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE BEACHES. O’LOUGHLIN PUB, 6975 A1A S., 429-9715. Family-owned-andoperated. Authentic fish & chips, shepherd’s pie, corned beef & cabbage, bangers & mash, duck wings. $$ FB K TO L D Daily SALT LIFE Food Shack, 321 A1A Beach, 217-3256. SEE BEACHES. METRO DINER, 1000 S. Ponce de Leon Blvd., 758-3323. F 2016 Best of Jax Winner. Serving dinner nightly. SEE SAN MARCO. SHANGHAI NOBBY’S, 10 Anastasia Blvd., 547-2188. Cubanstyle, Philly cheesesteak sandwiches. $$ FB

SAN MARCO + SOUTHBANK

BEACH DINER, 1965 San Marco Blvd., 399-1306. SEE AMELIA. THE BEARDED PIG SOUTHERN BBQ & BEER GARDEN, 1224 Kings Ave., 619-2247, thebeardedpigbbq.com. 2016 BOJ. Barbecue joint Southern style: brisket, pork, chicken, sausage, beef; veggie platters. $$ BW K TO Daily BISTRO AIX, 1440 San Marco Blvd., 398-1949, bistrox.com.

F Mediterranean/French inspired menu changes seasonally.

250+ wines. Wood-fired oven baked, grilled specialties: pizza, pasta, risotto, steaks, seafood. Hand-crafted cocktails, specialty drinks. Dine outside. HH M-F. $$$ FB L D Daily EUROPEAN STREET CAFÉ, 1704 San Marco Blvd., 398-9500.

SEE RIVERSIDE. FUSION SUSHI, 1550 University Blvd. W., 636-8688, fusionsushijax.com. F Upscale; fresh sushi, sashimi, hibachi, teriyaki, kiatsu, seafood. $$ K L D Daily INDOCHINE, 1974 San Marco Blvd., 503-7013. 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE DOWNTOWN. KITCHEN ON SAN MARCO, 1402 San Marco Blvd., 396-2344, kitchenonsanmarco.com. Gastropub serves local, national craft beers, specialty cocktails. Seasonal menu, with fresh, locally sourced ingredients. $$ FB R Su; L D Daily METRO DINER, 3302 Hendricks Ave., 398-3701, metrodiner. com. F 2016 Best of Jax Winner. Original upscale diner in a historic 1930s-era building. Meatloaf, chicken pot pie, soups.

This one serves dinner nightly. $$ B R L D Daily PIZZA PALACE Restaurant & Pizzeria, 1959 San Marco Blvd., 399-8815, pizzapalacejax.com. F Family-owned-&-operated; spinach pizza, chicken spinach calzones, ravioli, lasagna, parmigiana. Dine outside. HH. $$ BW K TO L D Daily TAVERNA, 1986 San Marco Blvd., 398-3005, tavernasan marco.com. Chef Sam Efron’s authentic Italian; tapas, woodfired pizza. Seasonal local produce, meats. Craft beer (some local), cocktails, award-winning wine. $$$ FB K TO R L D Daily V PIZZA, 1406 Hendricks Ave., 527-1511, vpizza.com. True artisan Neapolitana pizzas, fresh ingredients. $$ FB to L D Daily

SOUTHSIDE + TINSELTOWN

ALHAMBRA Theatre & Dining, 12000 Beach Blvd., 641-1212, alhambrajax.com. Open 50 years. Executive Chef DeJuan Roy’s themed menus. Reservations. $$ FB D Tu-Su The CHATTY CRAB, 9041 Southside Blvd., Ste. 138C, 888-0639, chattycrab.com. Chef Dana Pollard’s raw oysters, Nawlins low country boil, po’ boys, 50¢ wing specials. $$ FB K TO L D Daily DICK’S Wings, 10750 Atlantic Blvd., 619-0954. 2016 BOJ. SEE ORANGE PARK EUROPEAN Street Café, 5500 Beach, 398-1717. SEE RIVERSIDE. GREEK STREET CAFÉ, 3546 St. Johns Bluff Rd. S., Ste. 106, 503-0620, greekstreetcafe.com. Fresh, authentic, modern; Greek owners. Gyros, spanakopita, dolmades, falafel, nachos.

Award-winning wines. $$ BW K TO L D M-Sa LARRY’S Subs, 3611 St. Johns Bluff Rd. S., 641-6499. 4479 Deerwood Lake Pkwy., 425-4060. F SEE ORANGE PARK. MARIANAS GRINDS, 11380 Beach Blvd., Ste. 10, 206-612-6596. Pacific Islander fare, chamorro culture. Soups, stews, fitada, beef oxtail, katden pika; empanadas, lumpia, chicken relaguen, BBQ-style ribs, chicken. $$ TO B L D Tu-Su MELLOW MUSHROOM, 9734 Deer Lake Ct., 997-1955. F Bite Club. 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE BEACHES. M SHACK, 10281 Midtown Pkwy., 642-5000. SEE BEACHES. OVINTE, 10208 Buckhead Branch Dr., 900-7730, ovinte.com.

Italy, Spain, Mediterranean. Small plates, tapas, charcuterie: ceviche fresco, pappardelle bolognese, lobster ravioli.

240-bottle/wines, 75/glass; craft spirits. $$ FB R, Su; D Nightly TAVERNA YAMAS, 9753 Deer Lake Ct., 854-0426, tavernayamas.com. F Bite Club. Charbroiled kabobs, seafood, desserts. Greek wines, daily HH. Bellydancing. $$ FB K TO L D Daily TOSSGREEN, 4375 Southside, Ste. 12, 619-4356. 4668 Town Crossing Dr., Ste. 105, 686-0234. Salads, burritos, bowls; fruit, veggies, chicken, sirloin, shrimp, tofu. $$ K TO L D Daily

DINING DIRECTORY SPRINGFIELD + NORTHSIDE

ANDY’S GRILL, 1810 W. Beaver St., 354-2821, jaxfarmers market.com. Jax Farmers Market. Local, regional, international produce. Breakfast, sandwiches, snacks, drinks. $ B L D Mon.-Sat. BARZ LIQUORS & FISH CAMP, 9560 Heckscher Dr., 251-3330. Authentic fish camp, biker-friendly, American-owned.

Package store. $ FB L D Daily DICK’S WINGS & GRILL, 12400 Yellow Bluff Rd., 619-9828.

450077 S.R. 200, 879-0993. 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE ORANGE PARK. HOLA MEXICAN RESTAURANT, 1001 N. Main St., 356-3100, holamexicanrestaurant.com. F Authentic fajitas, burritos, specials, enchiladas, more. HH; sangria. BW K TO L D M-Sa LARRY’S GIANT SUBS, 12001 Lem Turner Rd., 764-9999. SEE ORANGE PARK. MELLOW MUSHROOM PIZZA BAKERS, 15170 Max Leggett Pkwy., 757-8843. F 2016 Best of Jax Winner. SEE BEACHES.

BITE-SIZED

photo by Brentley Stead

FAN

“TOP CHEF” loss is Northeast Florida’s win

FAVORITE is as tender as it gets, with a gamey flavor that GILBERT’S SOCIAL GREETS THE DINER with pairs well with spices. Sigh. Everything works fragrant plumes drifting from a large black so well, you’ll crave it until you come back smoker in the parking lot. This is chef and and enjoy it again. owner Kenny Gilbert’s second restaurant Chef Kenny grew up in Ohio, but during in Northeast Florida; his first spot, Gilbert’s the holidays his mother, who hails from St. Underground in Fernandina Beach, is Augustine, whipped up recipes she grew known for delicious barbecue and gator. up on. Perlot, a low country rice dish, is However, at Gilbert’s Social on the Southside, a signature meal from his childhood, and you won’t get a repeat of the same menu. his version is about to become a signature “We want you to eat,” says Chef Kenny, dish of my 20s. The Shrimp & Blue Crab and it’s clear by the portions that he means Perlot ($25) is served in a bowl so large you it. Most entrées are shareable, so expect to might feel like you want to share. Quell that take home some excellent leftovers. It’s like instinct. Each spoonful has chunks of crab eating at Grandma’s house — except you and large shrimp (perfectly cooked, I might skip the uncomfortable discussion about the add) in a decadent tomato base. The sunrecent election. dried tomatoes create such a rich taste, your Sporting a “Food Over Fame” T-shirt tongue will tingle happily. that showcases how down-to-earth he is, Everything we tried had so many layers especially for a celebrity chef, Chef Kenny is of its own distinct spice. Don’t mistake me involved in every facet of the restaurant. Find — nothing was too spicy, it just had flavor. him in the open concept kitchen, chatting If you’re looking for Tabasco-esque blanket with customers (while keeping an eye on the heat, it’s not here. One of my favorites was flame through the window) or serving his the Datil pepper hot sauce, favorite dishes. His care made in-house. Hot damn, and attention to detail is GILBERT’S SOCIAL it was delicious on the fried evident in the quality of 4021 Southside Blvd., Ste. 200, catfish. I can’t decide if Datil the food.

Jacksonville, 647-7936, peppers and fried food go I recommend starting gilbertssocial.co together, or if it’s just the way off with something light, Gilbert’s does it. like the Baby Kale salad The Fried Fish & Shrimp entrée ($23) ($5/$9), because you’re gonna eat. You get was an incredibly hefty portion with the sense that whoever assembled it went Jalapeno Cheddar Hushpuppies. You can through their own garden, pulling fresh also get it FB (Fernandina Beach) Hot. baby greens; think mustard, kale and more.

And don’t neglect the little cup of sauce The thin slices of tart green apple, slightly on the side — it’s NOT tartar sauce. It’s a creamy dressing and bite of red onion create Datil Pepper Rémoulade made with excess a salad you actually want to eat. mash from the hot sauce. Nothing gets Two specific dishes are perfect for the wasted at Gilbert’s. cooler months: Goat Curry Soup, and the For dessert, the Kentucky Derby pie Shrimp & Crab Perlot. Both fall into the ($8) caught my eye, because A) it’s pie and category of things you don’t want to (or B) it’s pie. At Gilbert’s Social, you don’t get can’t) stop eating. just a slice. No. You get a whole freakin’ pie.

The Goat Curry Soup ($5/$10) is the A mini-pie, but a pie nonetheless. Said pie most unassuming bowl of soup I’ve ever been has a perfect flaky crust, with chocolate and served. It’s a more traditional Indian curry pecan filling. It also has an intense flavor of with a Moroccan spice kick. The textures are incredible — the variety of peas and blackstrap molasses. It was a little too much beans so creamy, they complement the soft for this gal, but if you dig the taste of quality molasses, get yourself to Gilbert’s. crunch — the nutty taste of crushed cashews As you walk (waddle) out the door after sprinkled on top — the dollop of yogurt your meal, a final whiff of that smoke follows. swirled into the base, cooling it down as You may just find that you’re hungry again. the curry spices things up — the exploding Brentley Stead sweetness of plump juicy raisins — the spicy bitesized@folioweekly.com finish of broth — the bone-in, fatty goat that

BITE-SIZED

DECEMBER 21-27, 2016 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 33

PETS LOOKIN’ FOR LOVE FOLIO

W E E K LY

FOLIO LIVING

PET

LOVERS’

DEAR D EAR D DAVI AVI

DON’T DRINK THE WATER

The Festival of Lights falls on Christmas Eve this year, so I pawed together a little ditty to mark the occasion:

DAVI’S HOLIDAY TAIL

(parody of “’Twas the Night Before Christmas”) On the night before Christmas, what’s a Jewish dog to do?

Light my menorah of silver and blue.

I’ll fetch my dreidel from under the chair, And leave latkes for Santa and his eight reindeer.

Then curl up in my stocking lying next to the tree, And dream of doing mitzvah for a local charity.

From glittery decorations to gift wrap, homes are packed with holiday hazards. For pets — like me — who are celebrating the Hanukkah-Christmas mashup, these tips for staying safe this holiday season will help: SKIP THE BOUGHS OF HOLLY Mistletoe and holly might spruce up a home, but they’re highly poisonous — even deadly. Poinsettias are relatively harmless, but can lead to vomiting and drooling, if eaten, especially for cats. Opt for just-asjolly silk plants instead — it’s a safer choice.

LET THERE BE LIGHT SAFELY Curious canines and cats can knock over a lit candle in a split second and start a fire or burn a paw. Switch to flameless candles.

They provide the same flickering light as real candles without the risks. If using real candles for Hanukkah, place the menorah up high and out of reach.

PET-PROOF THE TREE For pets, a Christmas tree can look like a giant toy rack. Securely anchor the tree to keep pets from knocking it over.

Glass ornaments should be kept high.

One tail wag can wipe out an entire limb of delicate decorations, leaving shards of glass that can cut a paw. This goes

Holiday safety tips by FW’s FOUR-LEGGED columnist

for edible ornaments, too, which can cause choking and leave a tree suddenly bare. Sweep frequently to avoid pine needles from being ingested and causing potential problems. Cover the tree-stand dish to stop pets from drinking harmful water. Last, do not hang lights on lower branches. Not only can pets get tangled up in the cords, they may be shocked by biting through the wires.

TIDINGS ON TINSEL Pets love this sparkly strip of foil. It shines, dangles and comes alive with the slightest breeze. But tinsel is possibly the most dangerous holiday decoration for pets. If ingested, even a few strands, it can become twisted in the intestines and cause serious problems. It’s best to use it sparingly — or not at all.

HOLIDAY SWEETS ARE NOT DOG TREATS It’s tempting to include pets in the holiday feast, but remember that human food can be deadly, especially rich, fatty foods.

Don’t even give a dog a bone! Real bones can splinter easily, causing damage to the throat and intestine. Other dangerous foods are alcoholic beverages, chocolate, coffee, grapes, raisins, nuts, onions and salt. To be safe, don’t give your animal friends any human food!

WIRED UP Pets often want to chew on electrical cords and lights, which can cause a serious, even fatal electric shock. Keep cords and wires covered and out of paws’ — and mouths’ — reach.

Happy Holidays!

Davi mail@folioweekly.com ____________________________________ Davi the dachshund has been so good all year, he’s a paw-in for presents all eight nights of Hanukkah.

PET TIP: HEALTHY PETTING ADOPT A PET, IT’S CHEAPER THAN A HEART ATTACK! It’s no

big secret that dog and cat owners are happier, more well-adjusted and better-looking than most – where do you think FW gets its sexy typeface? Walter Barkite, that’s where. But you may not know that pet ownership is scientifically proven to lower blood pressure in the hypertensive, keep heart attack patients alive longer and (in men) lead to lower triglyceride and cholesterol levels, key indicators of heart disease. (Source: WebMD) So give in to the furry faces here – your heart won’t just grow three sizes, it’ll be healthier, too.

34 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 21-27, 2016

GUIDE

DECEMBER 21-27, 2016 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 35

FREEWILL ASTROLOGY

DALE RATERMANN’s Crossword presented by

PABLO PICASSO, WILLIAM McKINLEY, BALD EAGLES & EDGAR ALLAN POE

Serving Excellence Since 1928 Member American Gem Society

San Marco

Ponte Vedra

The Shoppes of Ponte Vedra

Avondale

2044 San Marco Blvd.

398-9741

330 A1A North

3617 St. Johns Ave.

280-1202

388-5406

FOLIO WEEKLY CROSSWORD

Dale celebrates the holidays!

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

14

15

16

17

18

19

20 23

24

27

28

21

22

25

26 30

29

32

33

35

39

40

41

42

43

44

47

48

49

51

52

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Humans have drunk hot tea for more than two millennia.

Chinese emperors were sipping it as long ago as second century B.C. Yet it wasn’t until the 20th century that anyone thought of enclosing tea leaves in convenient one-serving bags to be efficiently brewed. I foresee you either generating or stumbling upon comparable breakthroughs in 2017.

Long-running traditions or customs undergo simple but dramatic transformations to streamline life.

36

37

38

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): “What you do is what counts and not what you had the intention of doing,” said Pablo Picasso. If I had to choose a single piece of advice to serve as your steady flame in 2017, it may be that. If you agree, try this experiment: On the first day of each month, take a piece of paper and write three key promises you’re making to yourself. Add a brief analysis of how well you’ve lived up to those promises in the last four weeks. Then describe in strong language how you may better fulfill them in the next four weeks.

56

53

54

55

59

60

61

64

65

66

67

68

69

1 Liver, but not onions 6 Chowderheads 10 Fairy-tale bear 14 Jax Symphony string 15 Co-fighter 16 “Did you ?”

17 Better, in a way 18 Phaser setting 19 Oz visitor 20 Annual Jax Beach lifeguard perch exhibit 23 Poetic piece 25 Personal ad abbr.

26 WSOS tune 27 “No kidding!”

30 Make the cut 32 Omniscient 33 Underwood’s stone 35 Church area 39 Annual parade of St. Augustine decorated boats 42 Harp’s pints 43 So-o-o SoHo 44 Ventures 45 Photo 46 Milano’s land 47 Tuck’s title 51 Bilingual subj.

13

46

50

ACROSS

12

31

34

45

11

53 Vague amount 54 Annual Arthritis Foundation race 59 Kennel Club track 60 Au naturel 61 Navy command 64 City on I-80 65 Orsay cheese 66 Military attack 67 Ended even 68 Proof word 69 Atlantic catch

DOWN 1 Fertility lab eggs 2 What Adam sacrificed for Eve 3 Notable era of excellence 4 Downwind 5 Crack investigator 6 Brewery fixtures 7 Even if, in brief 8 Santa’s passage 9 Dubber’s concern 10 Kuhn Flowers bit 11 Steer clear 12 Type of dish 13 Part of a line by 37-Down 21 DIY buy 22 “ so?”

23 Butler’s love

36 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 21-27, 2016

57

58 62

24 Round peg in a round hole 28 Stats for the Jumbo Shrimp 29 Two of a kind 30 Sharknado channel 31 ’80s bandmate of Izzy, Duff & Slash 33 Dinghy gear 34 Ready alternative 35 Indian city 36 Fool around 37 Writer Gertrude 38 FSCJ paper 40 Salty Pelican dispenser 41 The Addams Family cousin

63

45 Fla. airport code 46 Kind of will 47 Coastal inlet 48 St. Johns, for one 49 Pointless 50 Warmly lit 51 Like Old City Cemetery at night 52 Rare Richard Nunn forecast 55 Seaside retreats 56 Homer’s boy 57

Dress for Less

58 An acid 62 I trouble 63 UGA color

Solution to 12.14.16 Puzzle A L A S

F A Q S

E S C S

M P A A

A N O L D

M O P E R

T S E N R K U A M A A M E O M E E R A L A R S E R P P H I A M S O C O M E S S U A L V N A S I P

G E R A L D

A G I L E

D S E V N E N T A B A M E G Y P T R E O D I W A R M N I P N D E R E R S O E E T V

E R U P T

B I B L E

B A Y E D

Y O L A Y A M O L Y A P W O O A L K E

S W A N

T E N D

E D G E

A S A P

I F I T

W A R P A T H

ARIES (March 21-April 19): NPR’s Scott Simon interviewed jazz pianist and songwriter Robert Glasper, who’s created nine albums, won a Grammy, and collaborated with a range of great musicians. Simon asked him if he had any frustrations – “grand ambitions” others discouraged him from pursuing. Glasper said yes.

He’d really like to compose and sing hip-hop rhymes.

But his bandmates won’t go along with him when he tries that. I hope Glasper, an Aries, will read this and take heart from what I predict: In 2017, you may finally get a “Yes!” from those who’ve said “No!” to your grand ambitions.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): During the 1896 presidential campaign, Democratic candidate William Jennings Bryan traveled 18,000 miles as he made speeches all over the country. The Republican candidate, William McKinley, never left his hometown of Canton, Ohio. He urged folks to visit him if they wanted to hear what he had to say.

The strategy worked. The speeches he delivered from the front porch of his house drew 750,000 attendees and played an important role in his election. Try a comparable approach in the coming months. Invoke all your attractive power as you invite interested parties to see you and deal with you on your home turf.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “Poetry is a way of knowledge, but most poetry tells us what we already know,” writes poet Charles Simic. I’d say the same thing about a lot of art, theater, film, music and fiction: Too often it presents well-crafted repetitions of ideas we’ve heard. In my astrological opinion, in 2017 you’ll need to rebel against that limitation. You thrive by searching for sources to provide novel information and unique understandings. Simic says: “The poem I want to write is impossible: a stone that floats.” I say: Be on the lookout for stones that float.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The Economist magazine reports that if someone wanted to transport $10 million in bills, he or she would use eight briefcases. Sadly, after evaluating your astrological omens for 2017, you won’t ever have a need for that many. If you’re in a situation where you must carry bundles of money, one suitcase will be enough. Note: A sizable stash of cash can fit into a single suitcase. Such a scenario could transpire in the next few months. I foresee a better chance for you to get richer quicker than I’ve seen in years.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): For a bald eagle in flight, feathers are crucial to maintain balance. If it inadvertently loses a feather on one wing, it will purposely shed a comparable feather

on the other. According to my astrological omenanalysis, this strategy has metaphorical meaning for you in 2017. Do you want to soar with maximum grace and power? Want to ascend and dive, explore and scout, with ease and exuberance? Learn from the eagle’s instinctual wisdom.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In August 2012, some tourists visited the Eldgja volcanic region in Iceland. After a while, they noticed a fellow traveler was missing. Guides organized a search party, which worked well into the night trying to track the lost woman. At 3 a.m., one of the searchers suddenly realized she was the missing person everyone sought. The misunderstanding had occurred many hours earlier because she’d slipped away to change her clothes, and no one recognized her in her new garb. This is a good teaching story to meditate on in 2017. Change so much that you’re almost unrecognizable. And help people go searching for the new you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In 2017, you will be at the peak of your ability to forge new alliances and deepen existing alliances. You’ll have a sixth sense for cultivating professional connections to serve your noble ambitions for years. Be alert for new possibilities that might be useful for your career and invigorating for social life. The words “work” and “fun” belong together! To achieve the best results, formulate a clear vision of the community and support system you want.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Capricorn writer Edgar Allan Poe has been an important cultural influence. His work appears on many “must-read” lists of 19th-century American literature. When he was alive, his bestselling book was not his famous poem “The Raven,” nor his short story “The Gold-Bug,” nor his novel The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket. It was The Conchologist’s First Book, a textbook about mollusk shells, which he didn’t actually write, but translated and edited. If I’m reading the astrological omens right, 2017 will bring events to help ensure your fate is different from Poe’s. The coming months are a time when your best talents will be seen and appreciated.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “My goal is to create a life that I don’t need a vacation from,” says motivational author Rob Hill Sr. That’s an implausible dream for most folks. But in 2017, it’ll be less implausible than it’s ever been for Aquarians. No guarantees it’ll happen, but there’s a decent chance you’ll build a robust foundation for it, and give yourself a head start to help you accomplish it by 2019. A tip on how to arouse and cultivate motivation: Set an intention to drum up and seek out benevolent “shocks” to expand your concepts of who you are and what your life’s about.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): The birds known as winter wrens live in Washington’s Puget Sound area. They weigh barely half an ounce, and their plain brown coloring makes their appearance unremarkable.

Yet they’re the avian equivalents of the opera star Pavarotti. If they weighed as much as roosters, their call would be 10 times as strong as a cock-adoodle-doo. Their melodies are rich and complex; one song may have more than 300 notes. When in peak form, the birds can unleash cascades at the rate of 36 notes per second. Make the winter wren your spirit animal in 2017. To a casual observer, you may not look like you can generate so much virtuosity and lyrical power; according to my analysis, you can.

Rob Brezsny freewillastrology@freewillastrology.com

NEWS OF THE WEIRD HIDE IN PLAIN SIGHT

Apparently the plan by a 33-year-old unlicensed, un-car-registered driver in Perth, Australia, in November to keep from being stopped by police was to print “POLICE” in large, “official”-looking letters on the sides of her white Hyundai, using a blue dry-erase board marker. She was, of course, quickly stopped by police.

ALMOST NAZI

A woman in a quiet north Minneapolis neighborhood told reporters she became fearful after seeing a large swastika spraypainted on a garage door down a nearby alley (just after election day!). (Problem: The base “X” of the correct design has “hooks” that should always extend to the right, clockwise; three of the Minneapolis “artist’s” awkwardly hook left.)

WHERE DA HOOCH?

In November, a court in Christchurch, New Zealand, ordered the local police to “undo” the 493 bottles’ worth of liquor they recently poured down the city’s drain after raiding an unlicensed bar. The court said the police must pay a pumping company to recall the hooch because of environmental regulations.

WIPE THIS

In November, the Littleton, Colorado, city government, faced with the need to “blot” sticky tar on 120 streets whose potholes it was filling, bypassed expensive “detackifiers” in favor of stuffing toilet paper over the tar, causing the streets to have a trick-or-treat look.

WHISTLEBLOWER GETS JAIL; EXECS MAKE BUX

Long-time Mississippi environmental activist Tennie White is 27 months into a 40-month sentence (for “falsifying” three $150 tests in her laboratory), but high-ranking executives at Kerr-McGee chemical conglomerate made millions on the case White helped expose: leakage of cancer-causing creosote into communities, including White’s Columbus, Mississippi, neighborhood. A detailed investigation by TheIntercept.com in November noted the executives’ response to the 25,000 creosote lawsuits nationwide: Put all the liability into one outlying company

(eventually going bankrupt) but selling off, highly profitably, the rest of the firm.

Folio Weekly Magazine can help you connect with that surfer hunk you almost talked to at the Young Vegan Professionals meet-up, or that gum-crackin’ goddess at Target who “accidentally” dropped a jasmine-scented kazoo in your cart. Just go to folioweekly.com/i-saw-u.html, fill out the FREE form correctly (40 words or fewer, dammit) by 5 p.m. Friday (for the next Wednesday’s FWM) – next stop: Bliss!

NICE TO KNOW YOU CARE, SIR

Texas is among the most enthusiastic states for jailing low-income arrestees who cannot pay a money bail, especially during devastating family hardships, and the four Houston bail magistrates are particularly harsh, according to a recent report of the Texas Organizing Project. After hearing one financially overwhelmed woman beg sarcastically that $1,000 bail is “nothing” next to her other bills, unsympathetic magistrate Joe Licata shrugged, “It’s nothing to me, either. It’s job security.”

NUMBERS GAMES

Price tag for one round of a 155mm projectile shot from the Navy’s USS Zumwalt: $800,000.

Trees killed in California by the now-5-yearlong drought: 102,000,000. Recent finding of “water” farthest from the Earth’s surface: 621 miles down (one-third of the way to the Earth’s “core”). Odds that Statistics Lecturer Nicholas Kapoor (Fairfield University, Fairfield, Connecticut) said he played against in buying a $15 Powerball ticket: 1 in 913,129 (but he won $100,000!). Speed police calculated Hector Faire, 19, reaching in an Oklahoma police chase: 208 mph; they got him anyway.

Different languages spoken by children in Buffalo, New York, public classrooms: 85.

NO BREATHALYZER NEEDED

Michelle Keys, 35, among those joyously caught up in Iowa’s upset win over highly ranked Michigan in football in November and celebrating that night in Iowa City, was slurring and incoherent and told police she was certain she was standing in Ames, Iowa (120 miles away), and had just watched the “Iowa State vs Arizona” game (a matchup not played since 1968). She registered .225. A 38-year-old woman was arrested in Springwood, Australia, in November when police stopped her car at 3 a.m. at an intersection — with a kids’ swing set wedged onto the roof of her SUV. Earlier, she’d mistakenly driven through someone’s back yard and through the swing set. She registered .188.

Chuck Shepherd weirdnews@earthlink.net

No left or right swipe here – you can actually use REAL WORDS to find REAL LOVE!

One: Write a ive-word headline so they’ll recognize you, or them, or the place.

Two: Describe the person, like, “You: Blonde, hot, skanky, tall.”

Three: Describe yourself, like, “Me: Redhead, boring, clean, virgin.”

Four: Describe the encounter, like, “ISU with your posse at Dos Gatos.”

Five: Hook up, fall in love, reserve a church*. No names, emails, websites, etc. And fer chrissake, it’s forty (40) words or fewer.

Holidays are here … lingering under mistletoe again, all on your lonesome?

Pathetic. Reach out through the seasonal magic of Folio Weekly ISUs! ENGLISH MUFFIN HELLO, COOL MOOSE U: Carmine’s shirt, prettiest art admirer ever. Me: Tattooed brow, food maker. Made your hello with a smiley-face flag. Art is an experience we can enjoy together. When: Dec. 7. Where: Cool Moose Café Riverside. #1636-1214 DAYCARE DAD ISU when I drop off my daughter. You drop off your little one. Coffee? You: Tallish, tattoos, work boots you take off before entering baby room, absolutely adorable; single? Me: Red hair, always hoping I see you. When: Almost every day. Where: Kids World Academy. #1635-1214 CROSSWORD QT You had orange socks and an orange Element.

You got a cappuccino (or two) and started with a crossword. Your laptop had an Equality sticker on it … either you really like math, or we should meet. Maybe both. When: Nov. 29. Where: Bold Bean, Riverside. #1634-1207 CARMELO’S SILVER FOX You: Tall, handsome, older gentleman with an exceptional British accent! Me: Tall brunette who visits frequently. You’re flirty, but let’s make it official! Tea time? When: Nov. 11. Where: Carmelo’s Pizzeria, St. Augustine. #1633-1207 MY HOT, SEXY NEIGHBOR You: Tall, white sports jersey (No. 12, I think), flag tattoo. Me: Brunette, sunglasses, busty. While checking mail ISU on balcony playing darts, smoking cigar. Welcome to the neighborhood.

Throw your dart at me anytime. When: Oct. 25.

Where: Coquina Bay Apartments. #1632-1026 A YEAR AGO, OCEANWAY PUBLIX Wednesday afternoon before Thanksgiving. Talked in checkout line. Me: Kinda muscular, blue Never Quit shirt. Please forgive my walking away. You: So smokin’ hot I couldn’t believe it; black vehicle.

Let me be your somebody! When: Nov. 25, ’15.

Where: Oceanway Publix. #1631-1026

MY BUD LIGHT/MARLBORO MAN You: Handsome man working the grill, drinking Bud Light and cooking some good-looking meat on Saturday. Me: Drinking Captain and Coke and fighting the desire to take advantage of you.

Hoping you “grill” again soon! When: Aug. 27.

Where: Downtown. #1627-0928 NEED HELP MOVING? First time ISU, you were moving from your apartment; we caught eyes. Met again, exchanged names. Wanted your number but it’s been so long since someone made me speechless. Come by sometime? You: Pretty. Me: Intrigued. When: Sept.

14. Where: Off JTB. #1626-0921 FIRST WATCH EARTHQUAKE You: Stunningly beautiful lady, long brown hair, shorts, athletic top, waiting for second party Sunday morning. Me: Tall, dark, handsome guy, kinda cop-looking. Tried to buy your breakfast; you hadn’t ordered. Really wanted to say hello.

When: Aug. 28. Where: First Watch Beach Boulevard. #1625-0907 TRADE PORSCHE FOR BEACH CRUISER? Drawn to your physique, adored biceps as you chilled with friend! You complimented my Porsche. Offered trade for your cruiser. Didn’t ask for number. WOD together on next bring-a-friend day?! When: 4 p.m. June 5. Where: Zeta Brewing bicycle stand. #1616-0622 DANCING TO THE BONES You are L. from Ponte Vedra. I’m R, leading band at Conch House on Friday, Aug. 12. We said quick hello as you left. Really want to connect with you. Hopefully cosmos will agree. When: Aug. 12.

Where: Conch House, St. Augustine. #1624-0817 FLOWERS IN MY HAND Very surprised to see you. Positive memories flooded back, so let’s have lunch and catch up. S. When: July 6. Where: Publix Pharmacy. #1623-0810

CUTE BARTRAM PARK RUNNER We’ve seen each other. You: Dark hair, blueeyed hottie, running. Me: Dark blonde, ponytail, walking. Today you said, “Sorry about that.” I smiled, not sure of meaning – sorry about crude car guys. Points – you’re a gentleman. Single?

When: Oct. 17. Where: Bartram Park. #1630-1026

DO YOU SEEK UNIQUE? You: Beautiful brunette, Walmart sugar aisle, beautiful arm ink work; said you got it in Riverside. Me: Dark chocolate gentleman, captivated by smile, breathless looking into beautiful eyes. Too shy to get number. Meet for lunch? When: July 16. Where: Walmart Avenues. #1622-0720

SALMON POLO, RIVERSIDE PUBLIX Going to check-out – bam! ISU. Handsome man. Facial hair. Fit. Smiled, made eye contact.

Thought, “I’ll never see him again.” I pull from lot; you walk in front; noticed your right arm tattoo.

No bags? When: Oct. 3. Where: Riverside Publix. #1629-1012

HANDSOME, KIND GENTLEMAN ISU Saturday 1 a.m. You: Extremely handsome, cool hat, T-shirt, jeans; forgot wallet; complimented my white dress. Me: Long blond hair, green eyes, too shy to ask name or if unattached. Love to meet formally! When: July 17.

Where: Walmart San Jose. #1621-0720

BRUNETTE BEAUTY WALKING TO BEACH Tall brunette walking her most white with mixed colored medium-sized dog. Snake-design comfortable pants, gorgeous body. Me: Waking up, starting day. You were first thing I saw from inside my house. Let’s walk together! When: Sept. 30.

Where: Davis St., Neptune Beach. #1628-1005

WE ARE READY FOR U You: Handsome man following, watching me, saying hi, calling, hanging up before u speak.

Me: Want to hear your heart. My dog and condo await. Don’t be afraid. Everything will be OK. We love you. When: 2012. Where: Neighborhood. #1620-0720

*or any other appropriate site at which folks can engage in a civil union or marriage or whatever …

DECEMBER 21-27, 2016 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 37

CLASSIFIEDS ADOPTION

PREGNANT? CONSIDERING ADOPTION? Call us first. Living expenses, housing, medical, and continued support afterwards. Choose adoptive family of your choice. Call 24/7. 877-362-2401 (AAN CAN)(12/28/16)

DATING

LOCAL DRIVERS WANTED! Be your own boss.

Flexible hours. Unlimited earning potential.

Must be 21 with valid U.S. driver’s license, insurance & reliable vehicle. 866-329-2672 (AAN CAN)(1/11/17) LIVELINKS - Chat Lines. Flirt, chat and date!

Talk to sexy real singles in your area. Call now!

(877) 609-2935 (AAN CAN)(12/28/16)

ROOMMATE SERVICES

ALL AREAS – ROOMMATES.COM. Lonely?

Bored? Broke? Find the perfect roommate to complement your personality and lifestyle at Roommates.com! (AAN CAN)(2/8/17)

AUTOS WANTED

CASH FOR CARS: Any Car/Truck 2000-2015, Running or Not! Top Dollar For Used/Damaged.

Free Nationwide Towing! Call Now: 888-420-3808.

(AAN CAN)(1/11/17)

HEALTH

MAKE THE CALL TO START GETTING CLEAN TODAY. Free 24/7 Helpline for alcohol & drug addiction treatment. Get help! It is time to take your life back!

Call Now: 855-732-4139 (AAN CAN) (12/28/16)

YOUR PORTAL TO REACHING 95,000+ READERS WEEKLY

HELP WANTED

PAID IN ADVANCE! Make $1000 A Week Mailing Brochures From Home! No Experience Required. Helping home workers since 2001!

Genuine Opportunity. Start Immediately! www.

IncomeStation.net (AAN CAN)(1/11/17) JADE SOFTWARE CORPORATION USA is seeking a Terminal Operations Manager in Jacksonville, Florida to Manage imports/exports transportation and logistics systems. Requires 20 years of experience within the Terminal / Port industry as a Business Operations Analyst, Logistics Consultant, Import Operations Specialist, Vessel Operations and Ship Planning using Terminal Operations Software, Customs clearance software, and termianl reports and training teams of operators and terminal operations.

Please submit resume to hr@jadeworld.com FOLIO MEDIA HOUSE WANTS YOU! Immediate Opening! Folio Media House, established in 1987, is expanding our reach in Northeast Florida with comprehensive media products.

We are seeking an experienced salesperson to add to our current team. Significant commission potential and mentorship with an industry leader. Main Job Tasks and Responsibilities: make sales calls to new and existing clients, generate and qualify leads, prepare sales action plans and strategies.

Experience: experience in sales required, proven ability to achieve sales targets, knowledge of Salesforce software a plus. Key Competencies: money driven, persuasive, planning and strategizing. If you have a track record of success in sales, send your cover letter and resume for consideration to staylor@ folioweekly.com or call Sam at 904-860-2465.

38 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 21-27, 2016

FOLIO VOICES : BACKPAGE EDITORIAL

THE CROSS OF

OBAMA

CONSIDERING RECENT DEVELOPMENTS, IT looks like the Jews were correct in their objection to the notion that Jesus of Nazareth was the real messiah, which is Greek for “chosen.” It was prophesied in the Old Testament that the Christ would heal the sick, feed the hungry, champion the downtrodden, rain down hell on the evil and deliver the world from destruction. Sounds to me more like a description of Barack Obama than Jesus of Nazareth; there are some comparisons to be made of the two.

Like Jesus, Obama turned over the table on the money-changers with legislation restricting Wall Street to ethical activities.

Obama was also betrayed. In his case, by his own party, who abandoned him in the run up to the 2014 midterms. In fact, the public refusal of Alison Lundergan Grimes to admit that she voted for him at least three times is poignantly reminiscent of the New Testament story of Peter’s denial that he knew Jesus. Obama was also crucified by the media throughout the entirety of his tenure in the White House, although his was probably slightly less painful than that of Jesus. We have absolutely no evidence that Jesus of Nazareth did much else beyond that; however, Obama’s résumé is undeniably obvious.

Obama may have done more than any other human being to promote action to curb climate change, which, unless you’re one of remaining deniers — in other words, if you voted for Trump — is an existential threat, not only to human beings but all god’s creatures.

Obama’s actions also led directly to the fact that 30 million-plus more Americans now have access to health care. He beat swords into plowshares, ended a meaningless war in Iraq, and promoted the idea that the use of violence should be reserved specifically for our enemies, discarding the outmoded and immoral idea that the citizens of an entire nation should be punished for the acts of a few. He also protected the social safety net from the ghouls who prefer that the elderly and needy should be turned over to the tender mercies of the private sector.

Additionally, he returned America to its place as “the” economic superpower.

Unemployment is down from 11 percent to 4.7. The deficit, which was 1.3 trillion annually in 2008, is now less than a third of that, and he managed to do it during a recovery, which has never been done before in our history, which kind of makes it, well, a miracle.

When one reads the Old and New Testaments, it sounds like what those authors were advocating for was a federal government like ours, with a pious, even-tempered, philosopher king at its head. For all the bloviating about Jesus of Nazareth this time of year, keep in mind that upon his coming and going, nothing really changed. The same cannot be said for Barack Hussein Obama II. Happy holidays.

Eric M. Mongar Sr. mail@folioweekly.com _____________________________________

“Obama was also crucified by the media throughout the entirety of his tenure in the White House, although his was PROBABLY SLIGHTLY less painful than that of Jesus.”

Mongar is a perpetual FSCJ student with an incurable bad attitude.

DEC

22

DEC

22

DEC

23

DEC

24

DEC

24

DEC

25

HOLIDAY COCKTAIL HOUR Lightner Museum

UGLY CHRISTMAS SWEATER PARTY Wicked Barley Brewing Company

WINTERFEST & FOOD TRUCKS Adventure Landing

BILLY BEGLEY’S CHRISTMAS CAROL-OKE Green Room Brewing

ALL YOU CAN RACE Autobahn Indoor Speedway

25 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS RAFFLE Light Up Amelia

DECEMBER 21-27, 2016 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 39