Money Wars

How to Ruin a Fine Romance

By lyNNE ShERMaN, Ma MFT

the number one fight theme in Santa Barbara relationships is money. It tops sex, kids, work and in-laws. But we are not alone. Several studies, including a 2010 study by The National Endowment for Financial Education found that, in the USA, couples fought more over finances than any other issue. Perhaps due to the current fiscal crisis the issue is even hotter than in previous years.

A 2011 American Express survey of 2,020 consumers found that 61% of couples reported their discussions about money turned to arguments, a 16% jump since the 2010 survey. Money is a loaded issue. It is not just cash. It is part of your power, or lack of it, in your relationship. It can be difficult to have a calm conversation about money.

BFF doesn’t only mean “best friends forever”. BFF may mean bad financial fidelity in your relationship. Financial infidelity ranges from mild, such as hiding small purchases from your partner, to severe, secret bank accounts and credit cards with hefty balances.

When romance first blooms couples tend to focus on their compatible tastes, values and interests. Each one is eager to build consensus and strengthen the bond of the new relationship. In the early weeks of a relationship we tend to project the picture we want to see onto the blank canvas of our new love. We discount negative information, minimize differences, assume and ignore red flags. It may be nature’s way of assuring people actually do get together. After we are in love, we can begin to recognize the conflicts and hopefully reach some agreement.

Santa Barbara has some special conditions that trigger financial conflicts.

A mediator commented that these days divorcing couples fight over custody of houses the way they used to fight over custody of the kids. On the way to that demise they may have fought about squandering the equity loan on big screen TVs, over spending on the remodel, or buying too much house.

In Santa Barbara, marriages end over wives financially supporting husbands who are still searching for the perfect career until the wife tires of supporting both of them.

There are good ways to handle money wars. Try to have regular meetings with your partner to discuss money specifics. Brainstorm better ways to manage and control your income and expenses. Keep the conversation volume to a whisper. Stick to facts. Take turns having your say. Talk about your financial needs and concerns in a specific way. Come up with dollar amounts when setting goals. Get some outside help if you need it. A financial planner or a marriage counselor can help keep the discussion in control and help you “reality check” your thinking.

Talking about money can help you both get clear on many other areas of concern in your relationship. It’s worth the effort.

Lynne Sherman is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Santa Barbara. Read about her at www.LynneSherman.com. Contact her at 967-5266 or LynneSherman@gmail.com