February2013
National Canned Food Month?
Even your cat can’t believe it
Come Celebrate Our 8th Year of Bringing You the Freshest Food Possible
Open 7 Days a Week! 7AM-3PM
Serving Breakfast & Lunch All Day
delmontecafeseaside.com
1642 Del Monte Blvd. Seaside, CA 93955
831.394.7851
February 2013
What the (BLEEP) is Foolish Times?
Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pets, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the socalled “writers” and “artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Submissions: We’re eager to read your stuff (see the Web site for back issues to get an idea of what we like). Just submit online to editor@foolishtimes.net. However, submissions must be received by the 15th of each month to be considered for the next publication. We offer no payment to contributors at this time (we’re saving to buy stamps).
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No time, no time, I got got got got got no time. It’s one of those days. Songs from the old days keep playing over like a 45 rpm Victrola on repeat. Time, time, time is on my side, yes it is. What time is it? Does anybody really care? Oh well, I can’t turn it off. So you’re on your own to check out the new stuff in this month’s issue. Maybe Susie Q will have better luck telling you. I seem to have short circuited. Timmin, atic atic atic atic a timmin. I’m gonna enjoy the show!!
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Head Fool .................................................Mike M. Editorial Fool ...........................................Susie Q. Layout Fool .........................................Allison W.
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I’m not sure what our Head Fool is talking about. A Victrola … isn’t that the thing that Nipper the dog was listening too? What a memory for minutia! So, we had love on our mind this issue, but no one else did; so don’t look for silly love poems or odes to romance or flowery writing. We’re foolish, not sappy. But we love our writers, so please read what nonsense they’re writing about this month. Check out the Foolish Funnies; we have a couple of new cartoonists who have a very intriguing view of the world … somewhat other worldly. If you’re bored in the days ahead, there’s a crossword, a suduko and a word search … that should keep you busy at least until the next issue. Read everything. You never know where we might find a clue! And finally, as our cover states, it’s National Canned Food Month … not sure how to celebrate that, but a nicely wrapped can of peas or sliced peaches or even chunky tomatoes might just be the most unique gift you could give your sweetie pie! That’s got to score some points. Remember, be careful, be safe, but always be funny!
One year, $49.00. (That’s a mere $49.00 over the newsstand price. The extra charge is to bribe someone to trek to the post office and lick all those stamps, and get a beer or three along the way.) Send check or money Check out ourTimes website Foolish Times Facebook Foolish Websitewith your Foolish Times Twitter order made out to Foolish Times, P.O. Box QR enabled smart phone. You will Like usFacebook on us Foolish Times FoolishFollow Times Website Foolish Times Twitter Foolish Times Facebook Foolish Times Website Foolish Times Twitter 4046, Monterey, CA 93942. Allow 4-6 find jokes, articles and savings. Facebook on Tweeter weeks for first delivery. No kidding. Snails Sarah e-mail: sarahsdesign@gmail.com Sarah e-mail: sarahsdesign@gmail.com are slow, man. Website: www.foolishtimes. Sarah e-mail: sarahsdesign@gmail.com net. For best results, use a computer. Sarah Cell: (831) 262-5326 Sarah Cell: (831) 262-5326 Sarah Cell: (831) 262-5326
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February 2013
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February 2013
CAFÉ DEL MONTE CAFÉ
Great Breakfast and Lunch; Burgers made to order, Homemade omelets, benedicts with the best hollandaise sauce around! Daily Specials. Open Daily 7am-3pm
1642 Del Monte, Seaside
831.394.7851
CHINESE JIM'S RESTAURANT
"LOTS OF FOOD FOR SO LITTLE MONEY" Dine in and take out. Voted one of the 100 Best Chinese Restaurants in America. Over 160 items under $10.00. Hours: Mon-Sat 11-9, Sun 12-9.
1584 Del Monte, Seaside
831.394.5117
CREPES MONTEREY CREPE CO.
Sweet & Savory Artisan Crepes, European street food at its best, two locations.
601 Wave St., Monterey 321 Alvarado St., Monterey
831.373.4646
montereycrepecompany.com
DONUTS RED'S DONUTS
Monday & Tuesday, A dozen Donuts $5.00, Open 7 days
433 Alvarado, Open at 6:30am 1646 Fremont, Seaside, Open at 4am
831.394.3444
ITALIAN RESTAURANTS LA DOLCE VITA
EARLY BIRD SPECIALS $15 per person includes salad, main course and dessert. On San Carlos between 7th & 8th, Carmel-By-The-Sea
831.624.3667
MEDITERRANEAN KOKO'S CAFE
Downtown Monterey. Delicious selection of rich, homemade gelatos, Greek gyros, fresh baklava. www.kokosmonterey.com FREE APPETIZER WITH ANY PLATTER
419 Alvarado St., Monterey
831.375.3777
MIDDLE EASTERN MAHA’S CUISINE
Authentic Lebanese Food, Falafel, Shawerma, Kebobs, Vegetarian & Vegan dishes, Belly Dancing Friday & Saturday,
470 Alvarado St., Monterey
831.372.8999
SANDWICH SHOP MUNDOS CAFE
Open Mon. - Sat. 6:30am – 3pm, Serving Breakfast & Lunch. Great Sandwiches, Quesadillas, Lattes, Cappuccinos. Drive Thru available. Call ahead and use our Drive-thru window.
233 N. Fremont, Monterey
831.656.9244
PUBS DUFFY’S TAVERN
" Best Caesar Salad," "Best Bloody Mary," and "Best Burger" on the peninsula. "Happy Hour Specials Every Day” Mondays All-you-can-eat spaghetti.
282 High Street, Monterey
831.372.2565
www.themenupage.com/duffys.html
CROWN AND ANCHOR
Relax and enjoy one of our 20 international beers on tap. Order a cocktail, try a glass of our excellent California wines or select a classic single malt scotch. We are open from 11 A.M to 2 A.M. seven days a week. Lunch and dinner served all day. British Owned and Operated.
150 W. Franklin St. (across from Marriott)
831.649.6496
www.crownandanchor.net
WITH A VIEW TRAILSIDE CAFÉ & COFFEE HOUSE
Enjoy, Beignets, Benedicts, Salads, Fish Tacos, Beer, Wine and Full Coffee Bar. Panoramic view of Monterey Bay, Heated Patio.
550 Wave St. (lower level), Monterey
831-649-8600
www.trailsidecafe.com
MEXICAN FOOD MANDO'S
Casual Mexican and American Cuisine Flamenco dancers starting Feb. 17th and every third Sunday thereafter $12.00 includes all you can eat buffet and soft drinks.
162 Fountain Ave. Pacific Grove, CA 93950
831-656-9235
Duffy's Tavern To advertise your restaurant, Happy Hour Specials Everyday
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282 High Street, Monterey
call 648-1038
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February 2013
QUOTE OF THE
MONTH
The Big Date
BY TOM BURNS I had been walking on air since Kashmere had agreed to go on a date with me. She was beautiful. She was stunning. She was what every man wants. I wanted to impress her on our first date. She agreed to come to my house for dinner. And cocktails. The idea was to get her loosened up a bit and then mesmerize her with my Five Cheese Macaroni, setting the stage for a wild evening. “Rex. Company coming. Big date. I don’t want you to mess this one up for me, okay?” Rex looked agreeable. “Her name is Kashmere. She’s a hottie. A real stunner. And, get a load of this: she drives a pickup truck and likes to camp and fish. What more could a guy want?” Rex appeared to be wrestling with the question. I think I lost his attention when he bent down and started to lick his private parts. God, I wish I could do that. “So. No jumping up on her lap. No begging to be petted. No sticking your paw down her blouse
like you did to Kimmie the CPA. Oh, and ixnay the falling over and playing dead doggie. Got it?” He appeared to have gotten it. “She’ll be here at six. It’s noon now, so I’ve got time to give you a bath so you don’t smell like the Hernandez cat turds. Heck, I haven’t had a bath this week, so I’ll take one myself. Maybe I should run the vacuum, too. It’s been missing for three months; do you know where it is?” He appeared not to know where the vacuum was.
"Heck, I haven’t had a bath this week, so I’ll take one myself."
“And to save money, rather than take her to a movie, I thought I’d show her a DVD. Should I show her the one where all the climbers on Everest die, or the DVD of the Dryer Lint Convention in Indianapolis?” Rex shifted his eyes back and forth, weighing the choices. Later that day . . . “Okay. Getting close to six. Glad you let me give you a bath in my bath. Now we both smell like Irish Spring. I better start to boil the water for the macaroni. I’ve got the five cheeses, if you can count Cheese Whiz and Velveeta as cheese.” Rex smelled his coat, admiring the Irish Spring shampoo fragrance. “Oh, better transfer the rest
The importance of being foolish is to be well furnished, because Life is a stage; and part of the set a love seat.
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February 2013
BLONDE COOKBOOK! Monday: The recipe for today is angel food cake. You have to beat 12 eggs separately, so I'm lucky the neighbors had some extra bowls to let me borrow. Tuesday: Fruit salad supper, serve without dressing. I didn't get dressed at all, as per recipe, and what a surprise when my boyfriend brought his friends home for supper. Wednesday: Rice pilaf, wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. I took a good bath and washed very thoroughly, even between my toes. The taste of the rice was same as last time for some reason, so washing doesn't seem to help. Thursday: New salad recipe for a change. Prepare ingredients by laying a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. I was rolling around in the garden
laying on the lettuce heads for one hour and then I got sunburned. Friday: Being Friday, it's great to try some treats, so today it's time to make cookies. The recipe calls for placing the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. I beat it to the grocery store to pick up some more milk, came back, but nothing happened to the ingredients I placed in the bowl. I ended up throwing the whole thing out, what a waste. Saturday: My boyfriend's parents came to our house and stayed for dinner. I wanted to serve roast but we only had hamburgers in the freezer. I put the hamburgers in the oven, and set the dial to roast. Unfortunately, the taste was still almost exactly like hamburger, just a bit roasted. This has been a great time cooking and I'm having a lot of fun. I can't wait
until we buy a new and much bigger oven, because I want to surprise my boyfriend with chocolate mousse. FLIGHT SCHOOL A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that
she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME Four old men and a woman are having coffee in St. Peter’s Square. All are very devout Catholics. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest; when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him Your Grace." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him Your Holiness."
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Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, “I have a daughter. She is slim, tall and very beautiful. When she walks into a room, people all say, Oh MY God!"
7
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See our schedule at www.montereyairbus.com
8
February 2013 There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 exactly once.
FOILED PLAN There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for halfan-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." THE OLD MAN AND THE SEA A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school
of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off ". "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked. "Well ..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook." SNAIL TIME This snail crawls up to this bar as it was closing. The snail pounds and pounds on the door until the bartender finally opens the door. The bartender looks around and sees nothing until the snail demands a beer. The bartender looks down and sees him, but replies, "Hey, we're closed now and besides we don't serve snails!" and proceeds to slam the door. The snail again pounds on the door. The bartender becomes so frustrated that he opens the door again and kicks the snail away. A year later as the bartender was about to close again, he hears a pounding on the door again. He opens the door and looks down to see the same snail again. The snail looked up and replies, "What'd you do that for?"
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Answers on Page 20
A virtual smorgasbord of jokes and otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times.
February 2013
Voted Monterey Peninsula Travel Planner Best Value The Lone Oak Lodge in Monterey
Internet Specials at www.LoneOakLodge.com
A shrimp's heart is in its head. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
2221 N. Fremont St., Monterey, CA
800.283.5663
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. Twenty-three percent of all photocopier faults world-wide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Wood burns faster when
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
you have to cut
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
and chop it yourself.
If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. More than 50 percent of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call. Horses can't vomit. Butterflies taste with their feet. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. On average people fear spiders more than they do death. Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
GIFTS that last longer than flowers…or him LELO WE-VIBE JOPEN
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2116 N Fremont St. Monterey 831.372.9410 Open Daily 8am-4am
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Your Bachelorette & Bridal Party Headquarters
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10
February 2013
Salty Senior Silliness SCHOOL DAZE An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had returned to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved I love you, Sally. On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday? Sally said, “No.” Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.” The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning. Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday....” The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “Were outta here!” WHAT A WIFE Earl and Bubba were quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco
and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She ain't spoke to me in over two months." Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over ...women like that are hard to find."
Fo o l i sh C r o ssw ord Clues: Don't Forget the Advertisers! For those of you who don’t know what the boxes below signify go on to the next page. The rest of you send us the correct answers and you could be a winner. The 9th correct answer will win a $25.00 dollar gift certificate to the Crown & Anchor. All the answers can be found in this month's issue.
OLD DUFFER "How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered. "But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot." WAKE UP! An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" "No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
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February 2013
11
831. 624.3667
Ristorante
Reserve Your Table Early for AT&T and Valentines Day! 12” Pizza with 3 toppings of your choice plus dessert Only $12 (To-Go Only) 5th Ave. between San Carlos & Dolores, across from the Post Office, Carmel-By-The-Sea
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Facilitated by Leah Hopkins, MS, RD, CDE, and Deborah Kelly, MA, MFT, CYT
Incorporating the eastern wisdom of mindfulness and yoga with western research on nutrition and the food-brain-body connection, you will awaken the wisdom of the body and restore joy and health to your relationship with food, eating and yourself.
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For Information Visit Our Website at:
www.MindBodyBalanced.com or contact Leah Hopkins at (831) 626-8694 or bodyinbalance@sbcglobal.net
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We’re Green!
Downtown Old Monterey Farmers Market Every Tuesday Rain or Shine Winter Hours 4-7pm See ya there!
Delicious Selection of rich, homemade gelatos, Greek gyros, fresh backlava and more! *Free Appetizer with any Platter*
would still be alive today
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and all the
If life were fair, Elvis
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Large Selection of Estate Jewelry and Watches 18k Gold Rolex
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February 2013
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February 2013
From pre-approval to closing, we will guide you through the homebuying process. Citibank offers you: Free pre-approval with SureStart® 1 $1,500 on-time closing guarantee 2 Citi® Homebuyer’s Advantage 3 Jumbo Product Offerings: 15 and 30 year fixed 5/1 and 10/1 ARM Loans over $3 million may be available on exception basis to well-qualified buyers To learn more about working with Citibank, please contact: Domingo Alvarez Home Lending Consultant 831.238.4247 domingo.t.alvarez@citi.com NMLS#670166
Terms, conditions and fees of accounts, programs, products and services are subject to change. This is not a commitment to lend. All loans are subject to credit and property approval. Certain restrictions may apply on all programs. Offer cannot be combined with any other mortgage offer. 1 SureStart is a registered service mark of Citigroup Inc. Final commitment is subject to verification of information, receipt of a satisfactory sales contract on the home you wish to purchase, appraisal and title report, and meeting our customary closing conditions. This offer is not a commitment to lend and is subject to change without notice. There is no charge for the SureStart pre-approval, but standard application and commitment fees apply. 2 If you are purchasing a home, we guarantee to close by the date specified in the purchase contract, unless prohibited by federal law*, and further provided that the date is at least 30 days after the application date and the date of the purchase contract. If the loan fails to close on time due to a delay by Citibank, you will receive a credit towards closing costs of $1,500. Offer not available for refinance loans, co-ops, unapproved condos, residences under construction, community lending loans, and government loans. In Texas, the credit may not result in your client receiving cash back. (*Federal law requires certain disclosures be delivered to the borrower at least 3 business days before consummation. The guarantee to close does not apply if such disclosures are required and the closing is delayed due to the 3 business day waiting period.) 3 Eligible buyers receive .50% of the loan amount as a credit, which can be used to lower the interest rate by paying points or for other closing costs. For example, on a loan amount of $400,000 the credit is $2,000. The offer cannot be used to obtain cash from the transaction. Offer available on purchase transactions only, not refinance. This is a limited time offer. Citibank reserves the right to suspend, change and terminate the offer and promotion. Customer must apply and lock in rate by the offer end date to qualify. © 2012 Citibank, N. A. equal housing lender, member FDIC. Citi, Citibank, Arc Design and Citi with Arc Design are registered service marks of Citigroup Inc.
Expires February February28, 29,2013 2012
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February 2013
Getting in the Mood
By Bini Aries - March 21 - April 19: The Ram Love me; love me Knot ~ smelling all the flowers gives you joie de vivre. Your bravado is enhanced and your status of Don Juan/Don Juanita rises in popularity, probably as popular as cholera. Not to mention your significant other’s temper heating up, especially if he/she is a Scorpio. You may try to recycle your lovers. Bring them some Guarana (Gua´ra`na) and let them win at this sports match for once. Taurus - April 20 - May 20: The Bull You are a Da Vinci in the art of seduction. Romantically serene and unaffected, La dee da, dee da. Enthralled you are by the arduous climb up love’s tower of endless stories, and your hide is tough! Be careful scraping any vital organs on the way up because I know you won’t want to skimp on making it a “really good show.”
Answers on Page 20
Gemini - May 21 - June 20: The Twins
VALENTINE LOVE CHOCOLATE KISS CUPID CARD FLOWERS
CANDLE PERFUME LINGERIE MUSIC ARROW POEM HEART
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KNOT BOYFRIEND GIRLFRIEND RED PINK ROSES
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The world’s best date is you. Depending on who shows up-but even so, your smoldering dual nature on one hand sends out smoke signals of lusty love, while the other resembles a fortifiable electric wake that zaps the weak and dull. Fun! Fun! Fun! You are the perfect scitzo for a relentless stage of infatuation. Cancer - June 21 - July 22: The Crab A perfect day for L’amour, L’amour, your cheeks, rosy and gay. Good! You’re gonna need it! You can’t side Tango your way out of this one. Create a whole new romantic scenario out of raw material and rekindle what was lost, get some new suede shoes. Teach a pagan Terpsichore. Ooze it on thick ‘cause the last mood was a Dezilu. Then pray. You are an opportunist so eat what you find. Leo - July 23 - August 22: The Lion Number one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever know ... Did the curtain fall? You find yourself alone. There, there pussycat ... Bestow your true royal gifts and you can lift the sunken wreck of a romance out of the depths and back into ship shape of a wild sun, illuminating every dark corner of your heart. They’re only corners ya know so down to the sweet shop and eat a valentine or a slab. Easy on the red meat. Virgo - August 23 - September 22: The Virgin You conservative Sex God/Goddess! Judicially you will abide through all the stages of love on schedule while meticulously picking the lint off love’s coat of arms, which will in turn keep your marvelous repertoire of neurosis up to snuff. Try a new way, skip over the stage of doubt in love and jump into the sexual exploration stage, and finally let go ... or at least get a lint brush. Libra - Sept. 23 - Oct. 22: The Scales Your first love ...You were really bent on it and then it went limp. Remember you are the Child of Venus, the actor of love, you can ask for another take. 1st performance; a succession of images; click—click—click, outstanding! 2nd per-
formance ... flowery? Yes a bit too many jonquils, even for Aphrodite. The stage of disturbances in love is disturbing; you are disturbed, no doubt. So move on and know perfection lies only within the illusion. Cut! It’s a wrap! Le fin. Scorpio - Oct. 23 - Nov. 21: The Scorpion Desire to escape? Sit down!! Preferably on your stinger! This way you can experience thy own self. You are a fussy sensitive fool. If you wish to experience complete trust you must reveal yourself in love’s real court, so no more espionage on your part. Love’s understanding stage will present to you a new via to the road of enlightenment instead of entitlement. Think of your heart strings as home-made linguini: a little over cooked but ready to serve as a hot nurturing meal. Sagittarius - Nov. 22 - Dec. 21: The Archer Fffzzzzzing! You are a brilliant hunter on the Primrose Path to pluck another f#*k. Robin Hood called this the "split finger" style and is currently the most popular position for any adventurous romance. That’s all very gallant but you left your last arrow head in your last fool’s achy breaky heart and now they are really ticked off! Next ambush, don’t litter! Capricorn - Dec. 22 - Jan. 19: The Goat Jack and Jill went up the hill and demanded way too much water! Especially after a drought there were gallons of doubt - and they did not share, not even a pout. Their head to head contest was like wearing down a glacier shout after shout! Still no melt and no feelings deeply felt. Jack looking for love in all the wrong places clicked his way into porn oblivion and couldn’t get enough thrills, lost his crown and drowned. Jill went up the hill with a frown and a heart so big and empty still, happy now with a pill. I am yours forever and you are mine, love potion number 9. Aquarius - Jan. 23 - Feb.18: The Water-Carrier It’s your party and you can cry if you want to, cry if you want to! You are distant glamour. You stir up star dust wherever you lust. The innovative creative boudoir behavior stage is calling you now. Afterwards, fast for three days and you won’t feel love as a plague. Your mercurial savvy will urge you to give freely your opinions to your lover on their bedroom ethics. Remember some opinions are like ass-donuts. It’s never too late to shut up. Happy Birthday Luminous One! Pisces - Feb. 19 - March 20: The Fishes Tuna of a thousand faces! Oh Romeo, where for art thou Guinevere, Isolde, Odysseus, Francesca, and Elizabeth Taylor. First love, grand romance, unrequited love, lost love, passionate love, and deep love ~ You plumb the depths of them all you eternal romantic you. Go where your unworldly fantasies, earthly passions, and enticing allure will radiate! I know a place where you can go... downtown to the Lupercalia festival On the Via Flaminia north of Rome. Create an Epic there. You may need to carpool though. Oooooohhh Barracuda!
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February 2013
Q:
At a glance, these two photos look BY MIKE T. alike. However, the one on the bottom has been subtly altered using sophisticated, high-tech computer software. Can you spot the differences? Answers on page 33!
Photo 1
JUST TRY AND GIVE ME A BATH! THANKS TO BRUCE KOSMALA FOR THIS PICTURE OF FAT LOUIE.
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that
Photo 2 www.foolishtimes.net
professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked. www.foolishtimes.net
February 2013
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A Good Chewing Out Q: What looks like half a cat? A: The other half!
BY ROSIE SORENSON As I see it, the problem with bok choy is this: you can chew and chew and chew it until the cows come home (or until the cud comes home) but it never stays chewed. Like right now. I’m eating some leftover Chinese food and one of the dishes contained bok choy. So, fine. I’ve been chewing it for nigh on twenty minutes, and there are still fibers circulating in my mouth, remnants too big to swallow. Frankly, they irritate me. I’d spit them out, but I hate to waste food. And, it looks tacky. I know, it’s not very enlightened to be mad at a vegetable, but would it hurt bok choy just this once if it stayed chewed so I could swallow it sometime in this lifetime? Like, oh say, before all the polar bears drown from melting Artic ice? I concede that my issue with bok choy is emblematic of a much larger problem, namely the fact that routine, mundane things FROM PAGE 10
Fo o l i sh C r ossword Answers www.foolishtimes.net
in the physical world justwon’t stay done. Like the dishes – my dish washer is this very minute humming away, and no doubt will hum again tomorrow after I load it. I would like to live in a world where you only had do dishes once a year – that I could handle. Same with dentistry. I would love to have the kind of teeth that needed brushing and flossing only once a year. Even once a month I could manage, but every day? Two to three times? I know that the only thing to bring me relief from flossing will be death. Being dead I won’t mind (not that I’m going to commit suicide to avoid flossing – that would be crazy!) My tombstone will read: Here lies Rosie. Floss-free at last, free at last! Thank God Almighty, she’s free at last! Same for dusting, cleaning, filling the car with gas. I would love to be one of those celebrities who can outsource such tasks to minions. Oh, say, Freddie, would you mind awfully gassing up the Bentley? There’s a good chap.
I would love to have the kind of teeth that needed brushing and flossing only once a year. Same with emptying cat litter. The first person to develop a new feline breed, “ The Amazing Poopless Cat,” will become a gazillionare – with an income somewhere north of Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Larry Ellison combined. In fact, I think I’ll hop right on it. As soon as I finish chewing my bok choy. Rosie Sorenson is a recovering psychotherapist and an award-wining writer whose work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and other publications. They Had Me at Meow is a collection of stories and color photos of Rosie’s fifteen-year relationship with a colony of homeless cats who have helped her recover from a long bout with chronic fatigue. Meow won the 2009 Muse Medallion Award from the Cat Writers Association and the 2010 Best Pets Book award from BAIPA. For more information and to order her book, please visit her website: www.TheyHadMeAtMeow.com.
Q: What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool? A: She had mittens! Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A: A carrot! Q: What is a French cat's favorite pudding? A: Chocolate mousse! Q: What do cat actors say on stage? A: Tabby or not tabby! Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money? A: I'm paw!
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February 2013
Yesterday's Machine BY TED GARGIULO Another installment in the incredible saga of Dr. Garjekyll and Teddy Hyde
I bought my Vaio® desktop in 2002. While that may sound like only yesterday to you, in computer years, that bad boy is older than I am. This warhorse has served me well these last 10 years, recent bouts of goofiness notwithstanding. I’d keep it around another 10 if I could ... although I doubt it’ll last that long. Computers aren’t supposed to last. Nor do "smart" machines grow smarter with age, however brilliantly they performed in their heyday. From Bill Gates to pearly gates: their destiny was decided before they left the factory. I remember when my desktop was the new wunderkind on the block. There was hardly an operation this multitasker couldn’t perform. Knew every trick. Sprinted like a champ. Never broke
a sweat. Nowadays, it shuffles lethargically, half-heartedly, like some old geezer, huffing and muttering under its breath when I issue a command. It piddles about with trivial background chores that steal its energy and focus from the job at hand. It’s moody, erratic, forgetful. It trips over itself, misplaces things, takes forever to go to "sleep" at night, and wastes even more time "waking" back up again. Sometimes, I don’t know what the blame system is up to. Reminds me of myself. When it comes to word processing and photo editing, the rascal still delivers. Same for email and audio playback. Forget about surfing the Internet, though. I’ve stood in checkout lines that moved faster than this tired bucket of circuits. Time was when it zipped along that "Super Highway" like a drag racer. Of course, that was before websites began inundating users with multimedia ads, tracking cookies, pop-ups, add-
ons, upgrades and other assorted junk designed (supposedly) to improve their "experience." That was before the Internet became an informational sinkhole. Trying to navigate today’s Web with yesterday’s machine is like pushing a piano uphill. Eventually, even the most undemanding consumers are forced to buy speedier, more powerful PC’s to handle the load. Last year, I broke down and bought a great new laptop. Now I feel like a traitor!
Trying to navigate today’s Web with yesterday’s machine is like pushing a piano uphill. I know it’s just a matter of time before my beloved Vaio® suffers a massive stroke and vaporizes all my data. I’m continually backing it up, doing preventive maintenance, forestalling the inevitable. Three
times, I contracted a virus. (I didn’t; my machine did). Each crisis prompted a call to the Systems Administrator (that’s me), who spent days nursing that brat back to health. Believe me, I get no kick out of troubleshooting every tic and bug this neurotic piece of technology comes down with— I’m a lover, not a geek. Yet if I don’t preserve it, who will? A less tolerant person would have tossed the bum out by now. I cannot. For more than 10 years I poured my creative self into that machine. It contains a vital a part of who I am, what I’ve accomplished, what I’ve created. Maybe it’s because I, too, am old and flawed that I feel an attachment to it. Maybe I refuse to let today’s techmarket persuade me that what I own is no longer useful. So what if my laptop out-performs it? As long that "bum" in my office has life in it, it has purpose. And whatever has purpose, has life.
Add Fuzz to Your VD BY MARY TOMPSET T
Fuzzy navels are big news lately. No, I don’t mean the mixed drink with the funny name. I’m talking about real human belly buttons stuffed with mysterious filling, not unlike the concoction that made Twinkies famous. (Gimme a hanky, I’m still in mourning over Hostess’s death.) Seriously though, everyone knows belly button filling is nothing like the goop in Twinkies. It has more fiber and decomposes faster.
For a long time, belly button news typically concerned U.S. armed forces and defense issues, such as scandals at our navel academies or commerce at navel shipyards. I can understand the calling to serve one’s country by studying navels at a fancy school, but what’s with the shipyards?
Anway, fuzzy belly buttons are making headlines because scientists discovered really strange and unknown bacteria living in them…
Why the hell would we ship navels anywhere? Unless they’re banned where you live, most people already own or lease one. Anyway, fuzzy belly buttons are making headlines because scientists discovered really strange and unknown bacteria living in them, thus making each person’s BB lint as unique as fingerprints. Airports are already installing lint-scanning machines. So, for Valentine’s Day, show your love for that special someone by giving something novel for the navel. A few suggestions:
GLAMOUR SHOT. That standard electron microscope photo of your sweetie’s beady bacterial segments that you carry in your wallet? Take it to Kinko’s and get a colored, airbrushed, and PhotoShopped image that anyone would be proud to post on Facebook. Dowdy microbes + makeover = divas! VACUUM AT TACHMENT. In addition to sucking out lint, a BB crevice attachment will also reduce dust-borne allergies; continued on page 22
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February 2013
Quirky Quotations THE QUOTATION QUIZ OF QUESTIONABLE QUALITY BY QUARLEN QUROSSMAN
Can you guess who said the following? 1. "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.” A. Marco Polo B. Woody Allen 2. “Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.” A. Martin Mull B. Martin Luther 3. “It's hard to argue against cynics - they always sound smarter than optimists because they have so much evidence on their side” A. Molly Ivins B. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart 4. “Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.” A. Justin Bieber B. Ogden Nash 5. “My doctor gave me six months to live but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more.” A. Walter Matthau B. Abraham Lincoln 6. "We are not retreating — we are advancing in another direction." A. Douglas MacArthur B. Genghis Khan 7. “I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” A. Rita Rudner B. William Shakespeare 8. “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” A. Karl Marx B. Groucho Marx Answers (all true): 1-B, 2-A, 3-A, 4-B, 5-A, 6-A, 7-A, 8-B Scoring: (number correct) 7-8: Comatose, 5-6: Rotarian, 3-4: Wimpy, 1-2: Smelly, 0: Altruistic Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey County Herald and at quotationquotient.com.
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From the Sandlot BY HUNTER KOSMAL A I heard the jingling as I cracked my eyes open. That common jingle that I’ve heard every other morning as a wake up call. “Bruce!” I yelled to the living room. “ What’s up man?” I said as I waited for a response somehow. The scratch at the door was all I needed, “Alright, alright. I’m comin’ bud.” As I stumbled out of bed, frustrated, looking for clothes, Bruce scratched again, “Alright dude chill out.” I slung on a jacket and popped into some sweat pants. I swung open the door to the sweetest face ever, Bruce. Bruce is a pound dog that Kyle, my roommate, got when he moved into the Sandlot. He is a mix of a dog, a hybrid between what looks like a wolf and a black lab; the kicker though, is that he is built like a greyhound and has the speed to match it. All in all, Bruce is one of the guys; he likes to hang out with us and go on walks and play fetch and be social. When we’re thinking about food, Bruce’s opinion is always considered as we make the decision. He usually enjoys whatever the majority is enjoying. I was greeted by a quick scuffle to the door so I could let him out from being in for the night. “Okay Bruce, I’ll be out there in a minute,” I said with no intention of going out there. I turned around and headed back to my room, but just as I closed it I heard the scrape of the paw on the door, “Bruce, Really? Gimme five minutes.” He scratched again, “Fine Bruce.” I slipped on
my flip flops and opened up the door to go outside. As soon as I opened the door Bruce reared back on his hind legs and jolted toward me pushing me off the steps and onto my rear end. “I was coming right back Bruce! No need to get violent,” I yelled as I stood back up. He scampered off to go and retrieve one of his thousands of sticks in the back yard. As I walked out to the backyard from the garage Bruce was running toward me with a stick that was easily more classified as a branch. I grabbed the branch out of his mouth with ease and clenched it with two hands, “Alright Bruce, payback sucks.”
All in all, Bruce is one of the guys; he likes to hang out with us and go on walks… I wound up my body and made it seem like I threw the branch with all my strength, but little did Bruce know, I hadn’t let go of the branch. At the moment that the branch would have left my hand Bruce was already spun completely around and in a full sprint. I rested the branch on the ground as Bruce was running to the other end to catch the stick I was supposed to throw. When he got to the other end he sniffed around and then looked straight back at me with a look asking the question, “ Where’d it go?” I yelled to the other end as I raised my arms in confusion, “I don’t know what happened to it bud.”
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February 2013
continued from page 6 - Rex of that cheap Jim Beam into the Gentleman Jack Daniels bottle. Maybe I should get out that funnel, too. Remember I used the whiskey funnel on Kimmie the CPA once? She was drunk in four minutes. Couldn’t believe a small girl like that could throw up so much for so long. Ixnay the funnel. We’ll use the Big Gulp cups instead.” I had started humming I’m in the Mood for Love, and dabbed on some of my favorite cologne, Homme de Costco Pizza. It was five to six. It was six-fifteen. It was six thirty. I turned the fire under the boiling water down to a simmer. I had a pre-date shot of whisky. Rex had a squirt of Cheese Whiz down his pie hole.
ACCOUNTANT
The doorbell rang. I ran to it. “Hi, I’m Darla, Kashmere’s roommate. She forgot she had a date with some guy she met with a Ferrari and a ski cabin in Boulder. He’s taking her to San Francisco for dinner in his private plane. It’s only a Cessna, but she went anyway. She asked me to take her place on her date with you. Is that okay?” I looked at Rex; he looked at me. I blinked. He blinked. “Why sure, Darla. What a fun evening I have planned for you. I hope you ate before you came. Rex has a thousand tricks he’s like to show you . . .” Rex and Tom, or Tom and Rex can be reached at burns100@earthlink.net
from page 15
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Foolish Mascot Contest
Once upon a foolish time, we here at FoolishTimes had a mascot…then he died. Well, to put it more accurately he sorta just went unnoticed like “tears in rain”. We dunno, perhaps he ran away because of neglect and we simply didn’t realize it until about 5 years later one chilly afternoon while walking to the Crown and Anchor Pub at about 12:37 pm on Monday December 3, 2012. However, now we lamentably realize the error of our ways. We have taken several positive steps to prove our worthiness. We have been to “Parent’s Autonomous”, taken the “Parenting IQ Test” on the interwebs and filled out all the required forms at the SPCA and can confidently state that we now know how to properly take care of those under our charge (except our editor, but that’s a whole other twisted tale). Now all we need is a little guy or gal to fill this large, gaping hole in our quivering, mushy lump of biomass we call a heart. But enough about our private, inward parts, this is all about you and the great opportunity that lies before you. Introducing The Great: “Our Mascot Is Dead or Missing Can You Please Replace Him Foolish Mascot Contest” What We Want: A mascot worthy of placement within our paper, on our website, mugs, t-shirts, as a tattoo on our editors butt or whatever the hell we want to place it on. What You Get If You Win:
Presents
Our eternal gratitude along with your own inner sense of inner well-being that comes with being somewhat acknowledged as a philanthropic, altruistic, creative person… Ok, Fine! We’ll give you a few gift certificates to some local Monterey restaurants. Happy now? What you need to do in hopes of winning: Use your massive, creative prowess and either draw, sketch, paint (or whatever the hell you creative types do), and make us a mascot. Then fill in the form on this page and upload your mascot ladened file through the special interweby, uploader button thingamagiger below. Then cross your fingers and have a few shots of Jägermeister. (unless of course you are under 21 or an alcoholic then just have a glass milk or something else less fun).
But Here’s the Catch: You have to enter the contest via our website!
www.foolishtimes.net/foolish-mascot-contest
Ready, Set , Get Fooilsh! C ontest ends Feb . 28
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Monday, April 1, 2013 6:30pm-Done
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February 2013
BY ROBYN JUSTO
ROSES & REUNIONS He was my first boyfriend at a legal age, not counting my kindergarten romances. When I was sixteen, he almost killed me. The handsome boy with the green eyes who had dropped a Porsche engine into a Volkswagen, unwittingly dropped me out of a flying bug. Tom liked fast cars and he liked me too. I trusted him. He was an experienced racer and I thought that I was in good hands, but Tom wasn’t Allstate. He nobly agreed not to deflower me, but he couldn’t keep his hands of that wheel. The last thing I remember him saying was, “I know this road like the back of my hand.” Then we hit the side of a mountain head on. He went right when he should have gone left and I went airborne. (I had always wanted to fly.) I woke up outside of the car, tasting dirt, with gravel embedded in my shoulder and a raspberry bush tangled up in my hair. I was afraid to say anything, contemplating the fact that I could be dead (or he could), but then I heard him call my name. He dragged me up and yanked the continued from page 18 - Fuzz make you look thinner (“I’m not fat, it’s the lint!”); and harvest all that navel stuffing for use in creative weaving and macramé projects. Sorry, spinning wheel sold separately. BODY CONTOURING. Transform that boring “innie” or “outie” into a fabulous “gone-zie”! Yes, the ultimate navel gift is to remove it entirely. Buttonplasty is a new procedure to remove fat from the buttocksical region and spread it over the navel. Nothing
relationships for me, totaling about 25 years. We crossed paths at our high school reunion and even had a nostalgic photo taken together, but he was married and I was interested in someone else at the time. And five years after that, just before our thirtieth high school reunion, I received a dozen yellow long stemmed roses in my office from an anonymous admirer. Being the super-sleuth journalist that I am, I convinced the florist to disclose the mystery and found out that it was Tom who had sent them,
now divorced and free to roam the mountain roads again. So why wait until the reunion, he thought, and we met up for a ride to San Francisco (can’t believe I actually got in the car with him again.) He told me that I was still easy on the eyes and he still had his dreamy green ones, but I was just getting over a relationship and while he was putting on a full court press, I was doing my famous moonwalk backwards. Exit stage left. So fast forward 10 more years and I happened to be taking a peek at Match. com and there was Tom. He still had all of his hair, his beautiful green eyes, and a nice smile. And I had just moved to a town a few miles away from where he was living, and oddly enough we were both about an equal distance away from that near fatal crash site 40 years earlier. So we were brave (again) and met for dinner. What if, after 40 years, we could pull this off? What a cool story to tell my grandkids. Oh wait. I don’t have any kids to make grandkids. We followed dinner with a movie, Knowing with Nicolas Cage, an endof-days flick filled with solar flares and tall blonde aliens. Afterwards, when we were out in the parking lot discussing the movie and the end of the Mayan calendar and possibly the world, Tom looked over at me and yelled out loud at the top of his lungs, “I GOTTA FIND MY SOUL MATE!!!”
says I Love You like reshaping your partner’s tummy with an all-natural landfill. (Spatula not included.) For more information, contact your local plastic surgeon or cake decorator. I may not have a sweetheart but (heh heh) I’m always up for VD. No, not that VD! Sheesh, we’re still talking about Valentine’s Day, remember?!? Anyway, at this very moment I’m sipping a goblet of Ensure while lounging by my fake fireplace. My VD treat
is to bask in the yellow flickering “firelight” created by an internal spindle with metal projections that noisily revolves in front of a lightbulb. Sit down, I’m not finished yet. Adorning the mantel in matching silver frames are two candid portraits of the real “me,” a Mary unseen by the world—until I upload them on my website. One is a subtly textured oil painting of my navel bacteria in a flattering 800X
bush out of my hair. Blood was dripping from a gash in his head, all down the front of his white tee shirt. Tom’s mom forbade us to see each other again, assuming that it was me who had seduced him up into the mountains that night. But it was the road, I tell you. Two years later, we ran into one another again. And this time, the little sucker couldn’t keep his hands off ME, but there was no race car in sight at the time. It was a very brief and deflowering encounter. Now fast forward through a few marriages for Tom and multiple
He went right when he should have gone left and I went airborne.
I guess he was hoping that we could have a chance at a new beginning, especially if we were running out of time, and maybe even have a different ending. When life is unsettled, settle down, I guess. That must be the new rule and although Tom wasn’t racing cars anymore, I got the feeling that he was racing against some invisible finish line, and he didn’t want to be alone when he crossed it. My feeling was that if time was indeed running out or folding in on itself, I might end up being 16 again anyway and my moonwalk might come in handy if planet Earth exploded, so being alone wasn’t so bad. Exit (again) stage left. Most recently, after four more years, I ran into Tom again. He smiled and told me that I looked great and then said, “I got married.” “GREAT!!!” I replied, and I sincerely meant it. Neither time nor the world ended in 2012. Tom is happy and somehow I think we might end up running into each other forever…the eternally reoccurring reunion. But I suppose running into each other is a lot better than running into the side of a mountain and luckily that didn’t end time for the both of us 43 years ago. Robyn Justo is a freelance writer who shares the frustrations, triumphs and general hysteria of living life in the gray (or the new silver) area, the lighter side of later. She keeps a foot in both the visible and the invisible worlds, which prevents her from tipping over.
magnification. The other is a holographic glamour shot of the vibrant, glistening colors in my large intestine, taken during a colonoscopy. Life is good. Have the best VD ever! © 2012 by Mary Tompsett Mary Tompsett is a humorist who tries to avoid living in a “gated community” because institutional straitjackets are notoriously unflattering. Her novel, Whinny From the Heart, is available through www.booklocker.com
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February 2013
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February 2013
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