Foolish Times March 2013 by Foolishtimes

March 2013

Presents

Monday, April 1, 2013 6:30pm-Done @ The Trailside Cafe 550 Wave Street in Monterey

MC’d by Local Fav orite Dr. Scott Smit h

Featuring Great C omedians:

Red Scott

Kellen Erskine

Growing up in San Jose, CA, Red Scott never saw things the same way as other kids; he thought he was cool. Born in the early 80s, he established himself as a trend-setter — fat, asthmatic, and socially inept years before Asperger’s was a syndrome or obesity an epidemic. On his way to finding the stage, Red had several diversions, ranging from working as a Software Developer to delivering for Pizza Hut in South Central Los Angeles. Red combines obscure and outdated references with the crazed insistence of a mental patient. His act encompasses everything from politics to absurdism to wordplay, all combined with deft crowd work. Kellen Erskine has been featured on NBC’s popular show America’s Got Talent. He is a past finalist of the San Francisco International Comedy Competition. He performs at comedy clubs, country clubs and colleges around the country. He recently returned from the Great American Comedy Festival held in Johnny Carson’s hometown of Norfolk, Nebraska. Reader’s Digest featured Kellen in their September 2010 Issue, in an article titled, “Comics You Haven’t Heard of…Yet.”

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March 2013

What the (BLEEP) is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pets, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the socalled “writers” and “artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Submissions: We’re eager to read your stuff (see the Web site for back issues to get an idea of what we like). Just submit online to editor@foolishtimes.net. However, submissions must be received by the 15th of each month to be considered for the next publication. We offer no payment to contributors at this time (we’re saving to buy stamps).

Advertisers:

For rate information, email ads@foolishtimes.net or call 831-648-1038

For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools:

Head Fool .................................................Mike M. Editorial Fool ...........................................Susie Q. Layout Fool .........................................Allison W.

Contributors:

The Head Fool Speaks: 30 minutes to upload and I’m still procrastinating getting

March madness – when did the madness appear in

this done. OH Well. If the whole world knows we’re getting larger how come

basketball? Or maybe March is like the perfect storm; a

toilet tissue is getting smaller? Maybe no one at Charmin and

convergence of so many different events and activities that

Scott watch the news or read the paper. Last time I counted

it causes an out-of-control swirl of craziness! At least that’s

a 1000 sheet Scott roll there were only 982 sheets. Speaking

what our cover artist felt like this month.

of counting what’s with Bounty’s 6=8 deal or 8=14. It makes

There’s craziness inside the paper too. Check out the

my head hurt when I try to figure out the best value. The TP

Foolish Funnies page – our cartoonists have their own take

and paper towel section used to be the fastest part of my

on life, for sure. Mary Tompsett’s talking baloney and Ted

shopping trip that now takes me nine minutes. I’ve used Dial

Gargiulo is pining away for a dog he never had and Rosie’s

soap all my life. It used to be the best seller now they have

got a goose in her sights. Of course, you couldn’t plot your

seven bars on the bottom shelf for us old folks still hanging

course without a look at Bini’s astrological forecast; talk about

around. Send in your pet peeves and if we print it you’ll get

crazy!

Subscriptions:

One year, $49.00. (That’s a mere $49.00 over the newsstand price. The extra charge is to bribe someone to trek to the post office and lick all those stamps, and get a beer or three along the way.) Send check or money order made out to Foolish Times, P.O. Box 4046, Monterey, CA 93942. Allow 4-6 weeks for first delivery. No kidding. Snails are slow, man. Website: www.foolishtimes. net. For best results, use a computer. Foolish Times Facebook

Our advertisers are up to their own brand of crazy – lots

a byline and a free tee shirt if we ever get around to printing

of special deals and offers and if you like crossword puzzles,

them.

Bini, Tom Burns, Ted Gagiulo, Quarlen Qurossman, Robyn Justo, Mike T, Rosie Sorenson, Mary Tomsett, Monty Truitt, Jordan Hall, A. White

Editor's Note:

DON’T FORGET THE ADVERTISERS!

then be sure to check out the ads. You might get lucky!

Savings Galore

Celebrate your own madness this month.

MIKE The Head Fool Savings Galore

Remember, be careful, be safe, but always be funny!

Like Us and More: Savings Galore

SUSIE Q., Editorial Fool editor@foolishtimes.net

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Have Your Own Territory and Your Own Business! Find out how, call the Head Fool: Mike 831-648-1038 mike@foolishtimes.net

March 2013

Salty Senior Silliness SENIOR DRESS CODE Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and bald spots 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirts and support hose 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads 6. Speedo's and cellulite 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Mini skirts and varicose veins

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THE IMPORTANCE OF WALKING Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing. AGING WITH A SMILE Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first. My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it. I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty." Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches. Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up. Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing. NEW WINE FOR SENIORS California vinters in the Napa Valley area which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Griglo wines have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an antidiuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as Pino More COLD WATER John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather

prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!" Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

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March 2013

CAFÉ DEL MONTE CAFÉ

Great Breakfast and Lunch; Burgers made to order, Homemade omelets, benedicts with the best hollandaise sauce around! Daily Specials. Open Daily 7am-3pm

1642 Del Monte, Seaside

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CHINESE JIM'S RESTAURANT

"LOTS OF FOOD FOR SO LITTLE MONEY" Dine in and take out. Voted one of the 100 Best Chinese Restaurants in America. Over 160 items under $10.00. Hours: Mon-Sat 11-9, Sun 12-9.

1584 Del Monte, Seaside

831.394.5117

CREPES MONTEREY CREPE CO.

Sweet & Savory Artisan Crepes, European street food at its best, two locations.

601 Wave St., Monterey 321 Alvarado St., Monterey

831.373.4646

montereycrepecompany.com

DONUTS RED'S DONUTS

Monday & Tuesday, A dozen Donuts $5.00, Open 7 days

433 Alvarado, Open at 6:30am 1646 Fremont, Seaside, Open at 4am

831.394.3444

ITALIAN RESTAURANTS LA DOLCE VITA

MARCH SPECIAL Salad, main course, Desert glass of wine $18.00

5th Ave. between San Carlos & Dolores,

Carmel-By-The-Sea

831.624.3667

MEDITERRANEAN KOKO'S CAFE

Downtown Monterey. Delicious selection of rich, homemade gelatos, Greek gyros, fresh baklava. www.kokosmonterey.com FREE APPETIZER WITH ANY PLATTER

419 Alvarado St., Monterey

831.375.3777

MIDDLE EASTERN MAHA’S CUISINE

Authentic Lebanese Food, Falafel, Shawerma, Kebobs, Vegetarian & Vegan dishes, Belly Dancing Friday & Saturday,

470 Alvarado St., Monterey

831.372.8999

SANDWICH SHOP MUNDOS CAFE

Open Mon. - Sat. 6:30am – 3pm, Serving Breakfast & Lunch. Great Sandwiches, Quesadillas, Lattes, Cappuccinos. Drive Thru available. Call ahead and use our Drive-thru window.

233 N. Fremont, Monterey

831.656.9244

PUBS DUFFY’S TAVERN

" Best Caesar Salad," "Best Bloody Mary," and "Best Burger" on the peninsula. "Happy Hour Specials Every Day” Mondays All-you-can-eat spaghetti.

282 High Street, Monterey

831.372.2565

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CROWN AND ANCHOR

Relax and enjoy one of our 20 international beers on tap. Order a cocktail, try a glass of our excellent California wines or select a classic single malt scotch. We are open from 11 A.M to 2 A.M. seven days a week. Lunch and dinner served all day. British Owned and Operated.

150 W. Franklin St. (across from Marriott)

831.649.6496

www.crownandanchor.net

WITH A VIEW TRAILSIDE CAFÉ & COFFEE HOUSE

Enjoy, Beignets, Benedicts, Salads, Fish Tacos, Beer, Wine and Full Coffee Bar. Panoramic view of Monterey Bay, Heated Patio.

550 Wave St. (lower level), Monterey

831-649-8600

www.trailsidecafe.com

MEXICAN FOOD MANDO'S

Casual Mexican and American Cuisine Flamenco dancers starting Feb. 17th and every third Sunday thereafter $12.00 includes all you can eat buffet and soft drinks.

162 Fountain Ave. Pacific Grove, CA 93950

831-656-9235

Duffy's Tavern To advertise your restaurant, Happy Hour Specials Everyday

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282 High Street, Monterey

call 648-1038

March 2013

QUOTE OF THE

Small Black and a Scone

BY TOM BURNS I planned to break the law. Well, the County law. The, ah, County Health Code. I covered Rex under my parka and made a beeline to the front door of my daily watering hole, East Village Coffee Lounge. I go there every morning with a loud group of friends. We take delight in breaking the peace and quiet that other coffee shops offer to their customers. In the years gone by, many dog owners brought their dogs in, but someone ratted East Village out, and dogs are no longer permitted inside. Just doesn’t seem fair to me. Or Rex. “Now you keep your mouth shut and I’ll give you part of my scone.” I could feel a small black Dachshund tail wagging under my coat. I decided to move into the redwalled back part, what we call the Lizard Lounge for reasons so obscure I don’t want to even go into that right now. He’d have less chance of being discovered by Bryan the manager or Dean the owner. My friends joined me in the Lizard Lounge, and the rambunctious Tom foolery continued unabated. I put Rex down on the floor

to masticate his piece of scone. Jim was telling a story about the time he almost went aground in his sailboat in Mexico. We had heard it before but it is always fun to hear it again. “Oh, my God!” screamed someone from the front room. I looked down. Just a pile of soggy, worked over scone crumbs. “Rex,” I said to the group, and dashed out to the front room looking for you-know-who. He was sitting in the fireplace. Not near the fireplace, but in the fireplace. Rex evidently had become chilled

"I put Rex down on the ﬂoor to masticate his piece of scone."

and sat inside the fireplace, next to the remnants of some glowing embers. I yelled a stifled threat to him and yanked him out. A few folks giggled. Ciro, the wonderful barista, looked the other way, as if he were Shultz on the old TV series Hogan’s Heros, whispering I know noth-ing! I slunk back to the table and stuck him under my parka again. Soon he wanted back down on the floor to Hoover up the last of his crumbs. I warned him. Now Richard had a pile of ski pictures from the REI catalog on the table. He sorted through them, explaining the virtues and drawbacks of each pair of skis. Steve munched on his banana, and Amber appeared

MONTH BY BINI

In the wonderland of corruption, the importance of being foolish is to be as mad as the March Hare.

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March 2013

TRUE OR FALSE The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "true/false" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - false for Heads and true for Tails. Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."

INTERVIEW A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh ..22!" The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our

records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!". The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' " TEST TICKLES Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she

wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her. After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arrived there, the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo. The manager said, "I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!"

P UNS I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection urine trouble. Broken pencils are pointless. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

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All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Velcro - what a rip off!

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March 2013 There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 exactly once.

BASE HIT A Boston fan, a Yankees’ fan and Pamela Anderson are sitting together in a train. The train enters a tunnel and the car goes completely dark. There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, Pamela Anderson and the Yankee’s fan are sitting as if nothing happened, and the Boston fan is holding his slapped face. The Boston fan is thinking, "That Yankees’ fan must have kissed Pamela and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead." Pamela is thinking, "That Boston fan must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Yankees’ fan, and got slapped for it." And the Yankees’ fan is thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Boston fan again". TOUGH DAY ON THE GOLF COURSE Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked: "What's wrong?" Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "I’m sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?" Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole." "Oh my God", the other golfers said. "That must have been horrible!" "Horrible?! You think it`s horrible?" Bob continued still very distressed. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..." 8 IRON One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

www.foolishtimes.net

Answers on Page 20

A virtual smorgasbord of jokes and otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times.

March 2013

By Bini Sudden storms, droughts, floods, earthquakes...Email me: foolsholiday@live.com Aries - March 21 - April 19 the Ram You are a Hard on Collision plunging in! Your largesse covers for your lack of finesse-find courage to regress! You need domestication. Plant your hooves into wet sea-ment, if that doesn’t tame you, try quicksand. You may feel trapped....and this may put you at risk with enemies such as: Rambona, Hoof-illatio, or Testafull. You are a survivor! Now a perfect opportunity to knit some Merino Wool mittens, or jockstrap....oops, that could be itchy. Taurus - April 20 - May 20 the Bull Stop sniveling and wipe that snout. You’re not an endangered species. BULL will always be around. Your motto is: “If everything is working fine, why try something new!” Like say...Gun Control? Look up from all that quiet grazing. Wage a war of necessity! You are an irresistible force; don’t waste it on bloating, doubting, pouting about that past, its so passé. Gemini - May 21 - June 20 the Twins You mental magpie! With your powers of the mind....get off the damn phone! FOCUS on that one unfinished task to save the world. After, you can always text until your toots fall off, toss emails out, unscrew the crossword puzzle of your own existence. You are in your war of choices! Your head resembles a question mark; Think light bulb. Remember you can sell ice in the arctic! Go to it! Cancer - June 21 - July 22 the Crab Your egg basket is leaking! Scuttling back to sea will not provide shelter from the Tsunami of your mind. Start at home where the heart is. Stop nosing over your morning paper to spy on loved ones. They are not im-

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posters! It’s an inner tribal war not a cosmetic fix! For instance last week’s strange seaweed necklace practically strangled you. Face up! This is not as scary as chauvinism, bigotry, or high fructose corn syrup. Read the personals. Leo - July 23 - August 22 the Lion O’pompous-doo, O’pompousdei.............. (Part of an ancient spell performed on nappy headed lions).

loved; Such as, using a solar panel instead of a picket sign that will light you up like a human marquee, or holding a torch for a humanitarian cause as the Statue of Liberty. Even in stone there is mutability. Take your stand as a true Libra-rian and scream “I won’t take it any more!” Then pray that a friend will hop on you and clog your fuse hole. You know how you hate to be alone. Scorpio - Oct. 23 - Nov. 21 the Scorpion

You can’t help taking over. Your indolent response at the very war you created is sublime. “Carry on” you say with a paw and a sway that leaves your mignons bleeding. “Oh great sun please don’t be the terror we must protest against!” Even when the empire is bitching at you because all you do is get laid, you gallantly suggest if they can’t cut the mustard with Mr. or Mrs. Custard you’ll send the dougies shopping at WallCart to shovel in some more fools. Whatever the wind and weather, we’ll always be together!

Ancient God/Goddess of the Nether World! You have lashed, thrashed, bashed, even flashed the enemy of possessiveness! Bravo! Take extra vitamins pronto. Your regenerative genius has won you the battle and you have risen from the ashes like a Phoenix! Or a bat, whatever you prefer. (I hear that Guano makes a terrific window cleaner). I know you won’t be greedy like today’s handful of corporate cockroaches. You will share the wealth of your new found freedom flight with lesser courageous souls.

Virgo - August 23 - Sept. 22 the Virgin

Sagittarius - Nov. 22 - Dec. 21 the Archer

At the end of the street a wall, Wall Street. It just wasn’t right, so you waged a war on the whole project and wiped it all out! You can be barbarous! Not all facts add up to truth. Attack the battle from all sides and cobble your order out of chaos. Watch those molecules make like nails to a magnet, like flesh to maggots, like a shell to an egg, like a fool to a maze. You cannot improve what is already perfect, where the wall and the street meet...can you darling.

Run for cover! That small tarp won’t do. The war of confinement is upon you! How will you lick this one?! This ain’t no Gelato. Raging across the globe with your bow and arrow will muscle up some opposition for you which you will consider adventurous until the friction causes an explosion. You can run, but you cannot hide. Replenish your imagination and cut down on crap TV and reading cereal boxes for bits of wisdom. You create feelings of displacement because wherever you go, you’re just leaving.

Libra - Sept. 23 - October 22 the Scales Go on strike! Unfortunately no one will notice. Even quiet cannons like you have cried wolf one too many times. You go to great lengths to feel

Capricorn - Dec. 22 - Jan. 19 the Goat “I wanna be a contender!” I know you do Goaty; you’re just not the

duking kind. You are a skilled fighter and protector, but from what!? You practically live in Palm Beach. Your challenge is the war of resistance! You are the loner of the zodiac and so let ye be engaged with these so called invaders. Your hard to reach posture is not only daunting but it’s starting to resemble an Alaskan ice sculptor carved into a Grizzly Bear left behind by Sarah Palin. (Don’t tell her it’s melted into a donkey). Aquarius - Jan 23 - Feb. 18 the Water-carrier Peter Pan! Land! So we can reminisce about the classless societies that existed way before history began. Where everyone wins, everyone is free overflowing with glee and genetically duty-free. You are a personal expert in the war of independence and your overview universal. You are a system of paradoxes-it happens when you mix electric energy and the “Water Bearer” with air. Before you disappear dispense some wisdom into society and blow some stardust up our noses or wherever you see fit. Pisces - Feb. 19 - March 20 the Fishes HAPPY BIRTHDAY master of illusion! March on by piercing the hymen of the two worlds! You need no bait. Recall how you took on Typhon the Dragon! You even swam the Tigris and the Euphrates River just to save Venus before you even had fins! Mars whose orbit falls outside of the earth will assist you with its fiery red ochre hues mixed with your sea foam blues-don’t mistake this for an acid trip, Shazam! Don’t be a Gomer! The ART World needs this salmon to reach fresh water. It’s all about HUMAN NEEDS verses Profit! You’ll be hooked in no time.

March 2013

Fo o l i sh C r o ssw ord

P UNS

Clues: Don't Forget the Advertisers!

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. Haunted French pancakes give me the crĂŞpes. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

We're so clever. We made this puzzle so easy for you ... all you have to do is read the paper, the whole paper, to find the clues. We know you're going to do that anyway! When you've filled in all the boxes send us the completed puzzle. Be the 7th player and win a $25 gift certificate to the Crown and Anchor. We'll announce the winner and publish the answers in next month's issue.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. When chemists die, they barium. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. PMS jokes aren't funny; period. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. www.foolishtimes.net

ACROSS: 2. well-qualified buyers 5. rich homemade gelatos 6. quinceaneras 7. marilynmanson 8. internet specials 10. time is precious 11. single malt scotch 12. historical train station

DOWN: 1. transforming in balanced eating 3. burlwood statues 4. home grown goods 9. short waiting period

March 2013

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For Information Visit Our Website at:

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Downtown Monterey We’re Green!

Downtown Old Monterey Farmers Market Every Tuesday Rain or Shine Winter Hours 4-7pm See ya there!

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March 2013

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From pre-approval to closing, we will guide you through the homebuying process. Citibank offers you: Free pre-approval with SureStart® 1 $1,500 on-time closing guarantee 2 Citi® Homebuyer’s Advantage 3 Jumbo Product Offerings: 15 and 30 year fixed 5/1 and 10/1 ARM Loans over $3 million may be available on exception basis to well-qualified buyers To learn more about working with Citibank, please contact: Domingo Alvarez Home Lending Consultant 831.238.4247 domingo.t.alvarez@citi.com NMLS#670166

Terms, conditions and fees of accounts, programs, products and services are subject to change. This is not a commitment to lend. All loans are subject to credit and property approval. Certain restrictions may apply on all programs. Offer cannot be combined with any other mortgage offer. 1 SureStart is a registered service mark of Citigroup Inc. Final commitment is subject to verification of information, receipt of a satisfactory sales contract on the home you wish to purchase, appraisal and title report, and meeting our customary closing conditions. This offer is not a commitment to lend and is subject to change without notice. There is no charge for the SureStart pre-approval, but standard application and commitment fees apply. 2 If you are purchasing a home, we guarantee to close by the date specified in the purchase contract, unless prohibited by federal law*, and further provided that the date is at least 30 days after the application date and the date of the purchase contract. If the loan fails to close on time due to a delay by Citibank, you will receive a credit towards closing costs of $1,500. Offer not available for refinance loans, co-ops, unapproved condos, residences under construction, community lending loans, and government loans. In Texas, the credit may not result in your client receiving cash back. (*Federal law requires certain disclosures be delivered to the borrower at least 3 business days before consummation. The guarantee to close does not apply if such disclosures are required and the closing is delayed due to the 3 business day waiting period.) 3 Eligible buyers receive .50% of the loan amount as a credit, which can be used to lower the interest rate by paying points or for other closing costs. For example, on a loan amount of $400,000 the credit is $2,000. The offer cannot be used to obtain cash from the transaction. Offer available on purchase transactions only, not refinance. This is a limited time offer. Citibank reserves the right to suspend, change and terminate the offer and promotion. Customer must apply and lock in rate by the offer end date to qualify. © 2012 Citibank, N. A. equal housing lender, member FDIC. Citi, Citibank, Arc Design and Citi with Arc Design are registered service marks of Citigroup Inc.

Expires 2012 ExpiresFebruary March 31,29, 2013

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March 2013

March is Full of Madness Knock Knock! Who's there? Myth. Myth who? Myth you, too!

Answers on Page 20

Knock Knock! Who's there? Dewey. Dewey who? Dewey have to go to school today?

IRISH BASKETBALL PASSOVER EASTER IDES PATRICK GREEN

DRIBBLE COLLEGE LEPRECHAUN POTATO EGG CHOCOLATE BUNNY

Check out Foolish Times online ... www.FoolishTimes.net Find us on: Facebook & Twitter www.foolishtimes.net

CAESAR BEER SLAM DUNK CHEER RAINBOW

Knock Knock! Who's there? Ken. Ken who? Ken you open the door, please? Knock Knock! Who's there? Alison. Alison who? Alison to my radio in the morning! Knock Knock! Who’s there? Kent. Kent who? Kent you tell? Knock Knock! Who's there? Egbert. Egbert who? Egbert no bacon please! Knock Knock! Who's there? Sabina. Sabina who? Sabina long time since I’ve seen you!

If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?

March 2013

We scour the internet to bring you the most hilarious police blotter reports from across the country. At a glance, these two photos look BY MIKE T. alike. However, the one on the bottom has been subtly altered using sophisticated, high-tech computer software. Can you spot the diďŹ&#x20AC;erences? Answers on page 33!

Troopers assisted a mother who was having trouble helping her daughter with a science question. She didn't know the answer so she contacted the state police. A store employee removed a roof cover in the hopes that wet weather would cause an electrical problem and everyone would get the day off. A suspicious occupied vehicle was reported in the lot at the local big box store. It ended up being a customer waiting for the store to open to buy Furbies. At least three golf hats were stolen from a parked car. Someone left a note on a resident's computer. The caller thought his home had been broken into. It turned out to be a joke. Upon returning from work, a resident discovered that her residence had been burglarized. A video cassette recorder and two watches were taken. Also missing were two16-ounce bottles of soft drink. A package of bacon, half empty, was also discovered at the scene.

Photo 1

A resident reported a case of harassment. A pile of animal manure was left on the back porch with a note stuck in the pile. There are no suspects at this time. A retailer apprehended a suspected shoplifter who attempted to leave the store without paying for a smoked ham, beef tenderloin and six lobster tails. The total value of the items was $121. A retailer apprehended a shoplifter with $7.96worth of air fresheners. A retailer apprehended a shoplifter with$29 worth of items including bottles of ginsana, olive oil and a mango. Also, a resident reported finding a white plastic Virgin Mary lawn ornament on her front lawn. A resident reported a vehicle break in. A large bar of Irish Spring soap, valued at $1, was taken. A candy machine was stolen from a local business. The machine is valued at $295. Also missing are the candy inside valued at $65 and $55 in quarters.

Photo 2 www.foolishtimes.net

A Jolly Green Giant lawn ornament was stolen from the front yard of a residence. A resident called police after noticing "some type of spotting'' on the side of the house. Troopers determined the spots were bird droppings.

www.foolishtimes.net

March 2013

Who Loves Ya, Baby? BY ROSIE SORENSON I did not fall in love with Stubby the first time I brought a sack of bread crumbs for him and his seven goose buddies at their lakeside home. As soon as he saw me, he ran pell-mell in my direction, and smacked me full force below the knee with his rock-hard bill. “No!” I screamed, and did a jabstep, windmilling my arm and hitting him on his head with the cellophane bag. It exploded and the bread crumbs took flight. The Crazy Lady in me cried, “Screw you, Stubby, Screw you!” as I released the bag to the wind and ran away. And I didn’t fall in love with the big white goose when on another day he charged down the blacktop path encircling the lake, hellbent on hoovering up more than his share of the dry cat food my sweetheart Steve and I set down for the kitties. I’d been taking care of the resident colony of homeless cats for seventeen years, and I’d managed to avoid Stubby and his thieving gang for most of that time. Other people delighted in feeding the geese, but not me, no way. The afternoon was full of drizzle. Steve and I hurried to complete our feeding before Mother Nature let ‘er rip. As we approached Rollerball’s dining spot near the thicket of blackberries, we heard behind us one loud squawk, followed by another, then another. We whipped around in time to see Stubby half-flying down the path toward us, his partially-amputated namesake wing on full display. “Oh, no, no” I shouted to Steve. “Hurry up, Stubby’s coming!” Honk, honk, honk, honk. Stubby

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breezed right past us and headed toward the pile of food we had set down for Rollerball. “No, dammit,” I said to Stubby. “Get out of here – that’s not your food.” Rollerball quickly escaped into the bushes. Stubby, followed by his armada of Klingon ducks, sucked up the kibble faster than a gaggle of frat boys could devour a dozen pies in a gorging contest.Crap. “That’s rude, Stubby,” I screamed. “Just plain rude!” Steve and I scurried away to locate Rollerball so she could have her dinner before the winged hordes attacked again. No, I did not fall in love with Stubby then. But I did make a commitment to teach him some manners! Yes, Rosie, why not repeat your old pattern of finding an almost-right man, and then working like hell to fix him? I thought I had given that up when I met Steve, who was as perfect for me as a man could be. Not too much of a fixer-upper. Just enough to keep me interested. But old habits don’t die, they just get transferred onto nonhuman critters. I felt sorry for Stubby. He’d been a member of a group of eight geese when I first met him. One by one the others had disappeared, most probably from old age, but I didn’t know that for sure. When Punkin’, his last buddy, a girl I think, disappeared, I worried about him. I watched him paddle around the lake, dignified, majestic, alone. Was he sad? Was he heart-broken? He did have a retinue of ducks around, but was that as satisfying as communing with a fellow goose? Poor Stubby. In the end, it was also a practical matter. I didn’t want to cower in

fear of a goddamned goose. How big a chicken was I, anyway? So. The only thing left for this former psychotherapist was to apply my considerable skills in behavior modification to this gander of the Anatidae family, or as I preferred to call him, “Goose-us Americanus, Foul-Mouthed-us.” The following day on my rounds at the lake I started calling, “Here Stubby, here Stubby.” I could see him on the far side of the water so I hurried around the path in the vicinity of the stone benches where he often hung out.

“Honk, honk, honk,” he roared, his big blue eye drilling me as he craned his neck toward the ﬁstful of food. “Stubby, oh Stubby!” I cried. He sauntered, or rather waddled up the grassy bank from his hiding place in the shrubs near the water. He stopped when he saw me, cocked his head one way, then another. Who is this crazy lady and what does she want with me? I held out a handful of cat food and said, “Here, Stubby, here’s some food!” Honk, squawk, flap, honk. He rushed forward. “OK, now, Stubby, say ‘Please.’” I moved a few steps back, just in case. “You have to say ‘Please,’ Stubby.” Honk honk, honk. Get out of my way, woman. Don’t make me smack you again, he seemed to cry. I stepped further back and repeated. “Say ‘please,’ Stubby.” “Honk, honk, honk,” he roared,

his big blue eye drilling me as he craned his neck toward the fistful of food. Mindful that these were early days in his etiquette training, I decided to take that as a win. “Good boy, Stubby,” I said and dropped the food onto the ground. “Good boy,” I repeated as he inhaled the dry kitty kibble. Ha! This was going to be fun. Could I actually get him to say ‘please,’ or at least what might reasonably pass for a ‘please’ in goose-speak? I don’t blame anyone for thinking, this girl has way too much time on her hands. I’ve entertained similar thoughts but, you know, each time I call for him and watch him as he honks himself across the lake, I laugh out loud at the sheer ridiculousness of life. A woman and a goose, a goose and a woman – what kind of mad entanglement of heart is this? And, yet . . . He now comes when he’s called, he lets me pet him on his feathered head, he gurgles as he eats. “You’re welcome, Stubby,” I say, standing guard while he vacuums up the food so the ducks and seagulls can’t swoop in and steal it from him. There’s nothing more to say, is there? I’ve fallen in love with Stubby. Rosie Sorenson is a recovering psychotherapist and an award-wining writer whose work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Pittsburgh TribuneReview, and other publications. They Had Me at Meow is a collection of stories and color photos of Rosie’s f ifteen-year relationship with a colony of homeless cats who have helped her recover from a long bout with chronic fatigue. Meow won the 2009 Muse Medallion Award from the Cat Writers Association and the 2010 Best Pets Book award from BAIPA. For more information and to order her book, please visit her website: www. TheyHadMeAtMeow.com.

March 2013

Other People’s Pets BY TED GARGIULO Another installment in the incredible saga of Dr. Garjekyll and Teddy Hyde

As a kid, I never cared for moist, slimy creatures. I wanted a dog. I LOVED dogs, and I so wished my folks had let me have one. Instead, I got goldfish. Whatever possessed my mom to buy goldfish??? The woman didn’t know the first thing about them. She fed them three times a day, maybe four, same as she fed me. Naturally, the silly fish didn’t know any better. Like me, they devoured everything she gave them. Only difference was, they blew up and died; I didn’t. Every morning, we’d discover another victim floating belly-up in the tank. My mom would scoop it out with a small strainer...the one she used to remove pulp and seeds from the orange juice. Voilá, empty tank! Next surprise: my dad brought

home four little turtles. Not because he liked turtles. Some obscure cousin had bequeathed them to us. He, in turn, entrusted them to me. What an honor! They came with their own terrarium, fed on scraps of lettuce or any vegetation I scrounged up. Once a week, I’d remove the turtles from the terrarium (being careful not to drop them behind the bathroom sink, where they’d probably get eaten by water bugs). I’d pour out the stinky residue, rinse the terrarium, add fresh water, then put the turtles back. The critters didn’t do much, other than the dull, pointless stuff turtles normally do. They crawled, stared into space, hid inside their shells and ate whenever the spirit moved them...which was about all I did in those days. However, nursing them for those 8½ minutes each week taught me responsibility, helped mold me into the laidback, overfed retiree I am today. If you’re wondering, NO, I DIDN’T

NAME THEM! What the hell would I name a turtle anyway? Luigi? Sir William? One day, only three turtles were moving. Soon, only two were alive...then one. Eventually, they’d all joined their friends, the goldfish, in Stupid Pet Heaven. Voilá, empty terrarium!

Like me, they devoured everything she gave them. Only diﬀerence was, they blew up and died; I didn’t. Other families had dogs. Why couldn’t we? My mom loved dogs, almost as much as she loved me. Problem was, they required too much attention, like me. Sure, a dog was loveable. So was I. But SOMEONE had to walk it every morning and every evening. SOMEONE had to feed and clean up after it. And guess who’d get

stuck with the dirty work when I defaulted in my duties? SHE would. Why did she assume I’d fail her? Hadn’t I proven myself with the turtles? Maybe she thought I’d murder the animal, like she murdered the goldfish. I know my dad would have shown more faith in me. But he wasn’t around anymore. Shall I tell you the real reason my mom wouldn’t own a dog? She admitted, when we were older, that she couldn’t bear the thought of it dying—of becoming hopelessly attached to a companion that would make her happy for a season, only to break her heart later. (Which is how she must have felt when my dad left her.) Little wonder, she limited her affections to less adorable objects, like goldfish, dolls, toy trains. And to other people’s pets, and other people’s infants, whom she could appreciate from a distance... without the poop and betrayal that come with caring.

Blogging Baloney BY MARY TOMPSET T

The life of a freelance writer is filled with freedom! Freedom from cubicle envy. Freedom from boring staff meetings and stolen lunches. Freedom from punching time clocks—or coworkers. And best of all, some writers even break free of the persistent delusion that writing will rake in the big bucks! For humor writers in particular, slinging bullsh*t isn’t just a job, it’s a divine calling. But if you’re looking for work,

blogging jobs are everywhere. They pay crap, but oatmeal will keep you alive until you can move in with your parents. I spotted these real-life beauties:

The life of a freelance writer is ﬁlled with freedom! Freedom from cubicle envy. Freedom from boring staﬀ meetings and stolen lunches. Cigar lifestyle blogger. OMG, cigars are part of a lifestyle?!? Bummer. I planned to take just

one disgusting puff and scribble a quick blog post before I threw up. Perhaps, “lifestyle” might mean passive-aggressively lighting up in a crowd and— Hold the phone! One of my gay friends just informed me that cigars are often part of the scene. Hi, my name is Mary. I am a clueless straight woman. Blogger on dating advice for men. This job entailed writing a “short report of 20-30 pages” of advice. Let me repeat: Not 30 pages of sports scores or porn, but dating tips. For men who would take directions. From a

stranger. That’s right, 30 pages. Lo, I say unto thee, cast all doubt into the demon’s man cave! For truly our eyes shall behold a miracle!! Car transmission blogger, to produce “insightful commentary on the ins and outs of transmissions.” Hey, I could handle that. A transmission is where the oil lives, right? And there are other funny smelling liquids in there, I’m sure. Put oil in the hole labeled OIL. Try hard continued on page 22

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March 2013

Quirky Quotations THE QUOTATION QUIZ OF QUESTIONABLE QUALITY BY QUARLEN QUROSSMAN

Can you guess who said the following? 1. "When an opera star sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance." A. Saddam Hussein B. Victor Borge 2. "Women should be obscene and not heard." A. Groucho Marx B. Jimmy Carter 3. "A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished." A. Zsa Zsa Gabor B. Thomas Paine 4. "The trouble with a kitten is that when it grows up, it's always a cat." A. Goofy B. Ogden Nash 5. "It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose your own." A. Harry Truman B. William Shakespeare 6. “A 'Bay Area Bisexual' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.” A. Mamie Eisenhower B. Woody Allen 7. “After a year of therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, "Maybe life isn't for everyone.” A. Cleopatra B. Coach Larry Brown 8. "The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." A. Calvin Trillin B. Charles Dickens Answers (all true): 1-B 2-A 3-A 4-B 5- A 6-B 7-B 8-A Scoring: (number correct ) 7-8: Confused, 5-6: Nauseous, 3-4: Astute, 1-2: Engineer, 0: Survivalist Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey County Herald and at quotationquotient.com.

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It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?” “It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?” “Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it's going to be a very cold winter.” The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?” “Absolutely,” the man replied. “It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.” “How can you be so sure?” the chief asked. The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood!”

March 2013

continued from page 6 - Rex very busy checking her phone texts. Things seemed peaceful until we heard a woman scream at the top of her lungs. No need to look down for Rex, I leaped up and ran to the front room. The bathroom door was open. Shocked woman noised tumbled out of the bathroom. From time to time, there had been unresolved issues concerning the inability to lock the bathroom door. Ninja Rex had simply walked in on a rather large woman perched on the toilet. She did not expect to see a small black Dachshund sitting at her feet. Who would? God I hope he didn’t beg. I made apologies and scooped up the perv and marched back to the table.

ACCOUNTANT

Jim was now on his story about hiking up to the plane crash on Toro Peak. Vito had wandered in and wanted to know who would be going to Sly McFly’s to hear the Money Band. Bill had started playing tic-tac-toe by himself. By the way, he is the most sane of the entire group. My stomach churned as we heard a siren. “Oh, God, the cops are coming to arrest Rex and me!” I yelled. I grabbed the little pest and dove out the door and ran to my truck. I slouched down, with Rex in my parka, until the fire truck and ambulance roared by. Rex and Tom, or Tom and Rex can be reached at burns100@earthlink.net

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FOOLISH FUNNIES

March 2013

B.B.Q. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Each week, we provide the caption. You simply provide the cartoon!

Book sales of “1001 Blonde Jokes” are showing lackluster results in Scandinavia. www.foolishtimes.net

March 2013

BY ROBYN JUSTO

OBSESSION IS NINETENTHS OF THE LAW During one of my short-lived bouts of insanity and Internet dating, I encountered a handsome gentleman. After speaking to him on the phone, I felt like I needed to stop talking and keep on walking. Something just didn’t feel right. Most of the time, I have learned to trust that wise little voice in my head no matter how attracted my body might be. I had seen him at church before but he had been with a woman. He informed me that he was now flying solo and asked if he could join me for brunch. I told my little voice to be quiet and I said yes. (Body one, intuition zero). We had a lovely window seat at a cozy restaurant and were chatting animatedly when I noticed someone walking along the sidewalk outside. This was about the time that my lunch date turned a paler shade of gray and alerted me that this was his ex-girlfriend (whom he now had a restraining order against because she had been stalking and harassing him.) “Does she have a gun?” I asked, half joking, half serious. “We have been assigned alternate Sundays for church,” he explained, offering up various frightening vignettes of her former activities as I watched her continued from page 18 - Fuzz not to spill it into the radiator. When we’re not looking, oil will exit the transmission (and also the radiator) in many fun ways! To monitor leakage, watch for tell-tale spots on the pavement. I recommend laying a sheet on the garage floor. Egyptian cotton, 600 thread count. Preferably flat, not fitted, and plain white. At the sight of dozens of black spots, I freaked out and gave my

I was confused. This wasn’t HER Sunday. He ran after her to calm her down (right) and returned telling me that all was well. But at the end of the service during the coffee and social hour, she descended upon us once again. At this point, I ran for my life. I drove to a nearby coffee shop, ordering a cup of tea to calm myself down. And there she was again, two inches from my face, accusing, insulting, and scaring the hell out of me. So I mustered my best game face, told her to step off, and threatened to call the police, being fully aware that she already had a restraining order out on her. That seemed to work and she disappeared.

All of this makes me wonder…why is letting go so difficult for some people? Why do we sometimes want someone who no longer wants us or perhaps never did? Where does this sense of entitlement and ownership of another human being come from? A friend of mine admitted that she once climbed up a hill in the dark, braving the elements and mountain lions, to take a look at what the man she was dating might be doing (and who he was doing it with) since he was not answering her calls, just to prove her suspicions right. She was obsessed with him and still is. Years after, she still talks about him, reliving each painful moment. Then there was Mr. Washingtondoesn’t-let-the-body-get-cold, the same Match.comic who offered free phone sex if I couldn’t sleep. He moved back to California within an hour of me. He wrote, he called, I didn’t respond. He tried calling from a number I didn’t recognize to try to trick me into picking up the phone. I wrote and told him that I still wasn’t the woman for him and wished him the best of luck. He wrote back and told me that I was wrong and that what I really needed was a friend (him) and suggested that we shop together and look at our reflections in the store windows because we made a nice looking couple? (Windows scare me now.) Reflect on this: We have never met and I am so NOT the girl for you. No means no, not just no until you move back (and then maybe yes), until you give me great phone, or offer to shop with me. Remind me never to move into

car away. Big mistake. But hey, not my fault! It was my stupid 101 Dalmations sheet. My favorite ad? Advanced cake decorating blogger. I’m highly skilled in keeping all the decorating colors from smudging each other. Damn! I just broke my new year’s resolution to stop lying! Anyway, I can truthfully say the resulting gray mush makes an excellent

wall spackling compound. I’d blog on how to safely eat fistfuls of powdered sugar straight from a 25 lb. bag without choking. As a plus, I’d explain how to shore up the mess after frosting a warm cake—using only duct tape and a staple gun. No wedding cake is complete without divorce lawyer ads on the side. Finally, if there’s still room after applying all the duct tape and staples,

cross the street and glare at us from the other side. “Great,”I said, pasting a phony smile on my face as I flagged down the waitress, chastising myself mercilessly for not paying attention to my “DANGER-WILL ROBINSON” internal alarms as my little voice chanted “Told ya.” “Check please????” I pleaded. One day (on one of HIS Sundays) this man sat down next to me at church (uninvited). Within minutes, the ex bolted up to us and with that look of real possession in her eyes shrieked “You said you wouldn’t do this!”

All of this makes me wonder…why is letting go so diﬃcult for some people?

your neighborhood, Mr. Washington. You scare me too. Since then, I have been harassed by a woman in another state who thought I had taken her ex (who was also in another and different state.) I had actually turned down an affair with him, unbeknownst to her. I did the right thing, but she insisted that I was the reason for their demise, even telling me that she found my bra. Honey, if had the power to bi-locate, it wouldn’t be to your area and all of my bras are accounted for. And I was recently chased to my cottage by an insanely insecure and bipolar girlfriend of the owner who was angry because I tried to talk to HER man. Guilty as charged, but I was simply trying to arrange giving him his rent money which he insisted be paid in cash. Two days later, I packed up and moved in less than 2.5 hours, never looking back. Some people need a reason when their relationships aren’t working. And some simply need a target for their aggression and obsession. In the past, I have wasted a lot of my own precious time being suspicious too, but in the end I always look back and remind myself…if I had only listened to my little voice. “Told ya.” (Update: Believe it or not, last I heard, Church-Man and his ex were engaged to be married…on one of their Sundays.). Robyn Justo is a freelance writer who shares the frustrations, triumphs and general hysteria of living life in the gray (or the new silver) area, the lighter side of later. She keeps a foot in both the visible and the invisible worlds, which prevents her from tipping over.

I would write the following in bright red: The endearing quirks you bring to this union will one day drive you both ape-sh*t. So hang in there. © 2013 by Mary Tompsett Mary Tompsett is a humorist who tries to avoid living in a “gated community” because institutional straitjackets are notoriously unflattering. Her novel, Whinny From the Heart, is available through www.booklocker.com

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March 2013

Foolish Mascot Contest

Once upon a foolish time, we here at FoolishTimes had a mascot…then he died. Well, to put it more accurately he sorta just went unnoticed like “tears in rain”. We dunno, perhaps he ran away because of neglect and we simply didn’t realize it until about 5 years later one chilly afternoon while walking to the Crown and Anchor Pub at about 12:37 pm on Monday December 3, 2012. However, now we lamentably realize the error of our ways. We have taken several positive steps to prove our worthiness. We have been to “Parent’s Autonomous”, taken the “Parenting IQ Test” on the interwebs and filled out all the required forms at the SPCA and can confidently state that we now know how to properly take care of those under our charge (except our editor, but that’s a whole other twisted tale). Now all we need is a little guy or gal to fill this large, gaping hole in our quivering, mushy lump of biomass we call a heart. But enough about our private, inward parts, this is all about you and the great opportunity that lies before you.

We Design We know it’s not going to rain money. Why doesn’t your web designer?

Affordable Websites that you can manage. take control of your content Call 831.998.4912

Introducing The Great: “Our Mascot Is Dead or Missing Can You Please Replace Him Foolish Mascot Contest” What We Want: A mascot worthy of placement within our paper, on our website, mugs, t-shirts, as a tattoo on our editors butt or whatever the hell we want to place it on.

Think you can’t afford a new website?

What You Get If You Win: Our eternal gratitude along with your own inner sense of inner well-being that comes with being somewhat acknowledged as a philanthropic, altruistic, creative person… Ok, Fine! We’ll give you a few gift certificates to some local Monterey restaurants. Happy now? What you need to do in hopes of winning: Use your massive, creative prowess and either draw, sketch, paint (or whatever the hell you creative types do), and make us a mascot. Then fill in the form on this page and upload your mascot ladened file through the special interweby, uploader button thingamagiger below. Then cross your fingers and have a few shots of Jägermeister. (unless of course you are under 21 or an alcoholic then just have a glass milk or something else less fun).

But Here’s the Catch: You have to enter the contest via our website!

www.foolishtimes.net/foolish-mascot-contest

Ready, Set , Get Fooilsh! C ontest ends Mar . 31

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March 2013

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