May 2013
A MAGAZINE
SEE PAGE 7 FOR MORE...
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May 2013
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May 2013
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Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pets, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the socalled “writers” and “artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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We're celebrating May this month because it's my birthday! So, I give everyone permission to eat chocolate cake while you're reading Foolish Times! Our Name-the-Foolish Mascot contest overwhelmed us with a plethora of entries; so many that we just can't decide on the perfect name. So, we're taking a little editorial license and giving ourselves another month. There's still time to throw your name into the hat and confuse us even more. We promise ... wink, wink ... the mascot will get a moniker. We have a newbie this month ... check out Rex Keyes' commentary. All of our regulars are, well, regular. Some funny stuff about cats and balls and dogs and funerals and hatchets. You'll laugh, you'll chuckle and chortle. Can't end without saying thanks to our friends at Trailside Cafe for a great Comedy Night and to all of you loyal readers who attended! Remember, be careful, be safe, but always be funny! SUSIE Q., Editorial Fool editor@foolishtimes.net
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May 2013
Salty Senior Silliness TOO MUCH BRAN This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
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and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up.�
HORSE OR CHICKEN? A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I am." said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?" The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." "No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said. "Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
HARD WORK A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel." "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents." "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37." "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
BATHROOM TROUBLES Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty
HIGH SCHOOL CLASSMATE? While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school some 45 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grayhaired man with the deeply lined
face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked He answered, "In 1957." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?" SUPER BOWL MADNESS A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. "No," the man replied, "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?" The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
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May 2013
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CHINESE JIM'S RESTAURANT
"LOTS OF FOOD FOR SO LITTLE MONEY" Dine in and take out. Voted one of the 100 Best Chinese Restaurants in America. Over 160 items under $10.00. Hours: Mon-Sat 11-9, Sun 12-9.
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CREPES MONTEREY CREPE CO.
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ITALIAN RESTAURANTS LA DOLCE VITA
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Downtown Monterey. Delicious selection of rich, homemade gelatos, Greek gyros, fresh baklava. www.kokosmonterey.com FREE APPETIZER WITH ANY PLATTER
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MIDDLE EASTERN MAHA’S CUISINE
Authentic Lebanese Food, Falafel, Shawerma, Kebobs, Vegetarian & Vegan dishes, Belly Dancing Friday & Saturday,
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SANDWICH SHOP MUNDOS CAFE
Open Mon. - Fri. 10:00am – 5:30pm, Sat. & Sun. 10:00am - 4:00pm. Great Sandwiches, Quesadillas, Lattes, Cappuccinos. Drive Thru available. Call ahead and use our Drive-thru window.
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PUBS DUFFY’S TAVERN
" Best Caesar Salad," "Best Bloody Mary," and "Best Burger" on the peninsula. "Happy Hour Specials Every Day” Mondays All-you-can-eat spaghetti.
282 High Street, Monterey
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CROWN AND ANCHOR
Relax and enjoy one of our 20 international beers on tap. Order a cocktail, try a glass of our excellent California wines or select a classic single malt scotch. We are open from 11 A.M to 2 A.M. seven days a week. Lunch and dinner served all day. British Owned and Operated.
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WITH A VIEW TRAILSIDE CAFÉ & COFFEE HOUSE
Enjoy, Beignets, Benedicts, Salads, Fish Tacos, Beer, Wine and Full Coffee Bar. Panoramic view of Monterey Bay, Heated Patio.
550 Wave St. (lower level), Monterey
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Casual Mexican and American Cuisine Flamenco dancers starting Feb. 17th and every third Sunday thereafter $12.00 includes all you can eat buffet and soft drinks.
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May 2013
QUOTE OF THE
The Lawn Flamingo War
BY TOM BURNS Rex was fast asleep on the back porch hammock. It was eleven in the morning. It was his second nap of the day. “Rex, get up you lazy bum. I’ve just added a little something to set our house apart from any other in the neighborhood.” I hoisted him up in my arms and carried him around to the front yard. He could have walked all the way around to the front yard, but would probably have required another nap to recoup the expended energy. I sat on the front porch with him in my lap. Suddenly he saw it. Them. The life-like panorama of a flock of lawn flamingoes. Along the edge of the front walkway up to the porch. I had never seen a dog do a doubletake until that moment. A soft but definitive growl emanated from his thorax. It was not a fear growl. Nor a warning growl. It sounded more like an artistic commentary on my choice in setting apart our house from any other in the neighborhood. Rex was not liking the front yard spruce-up incorporating 27 lawn flamingoes. “Rex! No one has lawn flamingoes! Not one in the hood! Not even the Feldenschnarls, the white trash who moved the single-wide onto to lot around the corner, have lawn flamingoes. Yet. And they’ve even taken the wheels off, so you know they’re stayin’.” Like a shot, Rex tore out of my lap, fangs bared, and launched himself into the first squadron of flamingoes, the ones near the faded, peeling gnome. The sound of small black
dachshund teeth scissoring their way through wire flamingo legs was electrifying. No, shocking. He’d need braces for years if he
“Rex tore out of my lap, fangs bared, and launched himself into the first squadron of flamingoes.” kept up this unflagging assault of the defenseless pink centurions guarding the sidewalk from the last of the Fuller Brush Salesmen and people handing out religious tracts. “Rex! For crying out loud. Give it
a break!” He stopped momentarily, exhaled a loud, theatrical breath as if to dismiss me, inhaled, and tore into the metal flamingo legs again, like a gas hedge trimmer on steroids. I had never seen my goodnatured, faithful companion behave like this before. “Rex. Were you attacked in the pound by a flock of flamingoes before I adopted you?” Another flamingo folded at the knees and bent in half, head crashing down next to the plaster of Paris bunny rabbits. “How about the time we watched Hitchcock’s The Birds and you fell asleep and had nightmares. Is that what’s bothering you?” He broadsided another pink bird, knocking
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REVENGE “Cash, check, or charge?” the cashier asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase and putting them in a bag. As the customer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. “So, do you always carry your TV remote?” the cashier asked. “No,” the woman replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
May 2013
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE … Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice? Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up? Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient? Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates? Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls? Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker? Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
WATER PLAY During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried. After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem. Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
DON'T LIE TO MIRRORS There once was a magic mirror which would kill you if you lied to it. One day a brunette was doing her makeup and said to herself, "I think I'm the smartest woman ever!" She immediately dropped dead. The next day a redhead was doing her hair and said to herself, "I think I'm the prettiest woman alive!" She immediately dropped dead. Finally, the following day, a blond was flossing her teeth. She stopped and said to herself, "I think," and dropped dead. OUT OF SIGHT An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds. The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was
pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
DONNA R. MENDENHALL, CPA ANNOUNCEMENT Dear Friends and Clients, I merged my practice with Ward Accountancy, Inc. on Jan. 1, 2013. I am confident that I and my clients will continue to benefit from the extra help and talent available here at Ward Accountancy, Inc. We have closed the Carmel Valley Village office while we prepare to open a new Ward Accountancy, Inc. office in the Mid Valley Center in May. In the meantime, I and the entire Ward Accountancy team are here to assist you as always with your accounting and tax needs at our main office located at: 10 Bonifacio Plaza, Monterey, CA 93940. My new contact information is as follows: Phone: 831.373.1211 FAX at 831.373.2456 Email: donna@wardaccountancy.com If I’m not immediately available please allow one of the other very capable CPA’s or staff members at Ward Accountancy, Inc. to assist you.
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May 2013
A virtual smorgasbord of jokes and otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times. From our readers: Thanks for balancing your blonde’s joke column with three about dim men (blonds). Call me a blond but I don't get the Time Will Tell joke: "A blonde asked someone what time it was, and THEY told her it was 4:45." Does THEY refer to all the people she asked previously? Geometry is a retelling of a hoary Yogi Berry story. No one ever accused him of being a blond! William Scott Hommon Corral de Tierra THE FASTEST CAR A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The dude replies, "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It cost $500,000." "That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The old man asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!" Just then the light changes, so the
guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast! The guy wonders, "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKaBbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the sideview mirror on your car!" AGE RELATED A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
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"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide. Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure. "Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago." TICKET TALK A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!" GOOD ALASKAN FISHING The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "what's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow." WANDERING DOG An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
May 2013
BY BINI Sudden storms, droughts, floods, earthquakes...Email me: foolsholiday@live.com
Aries: Mar. 21 - Apr. 19 The Ram In the garden of Aries, there are no shrinking violets, just soggy daisies due to the constant territorial obsession. Your truest friends are the Aries fairies that carry the harried Aries to the spa in the merry month of May. Repeat three times speedily! Taurus: Apr. 20 - May 20 The Bull Florence Nightingale was a Taurus, a social reformer and a statistician. At least try a different approach and walk backwards on your tippy toes! This creates unease and anxiety in you because of your resistance to change! Admit it! Tweak tenacity into veracity in the jolly month of May. Happy Birthday~
its course is the magician’s best trick. Release the armor claw that bonds you to a reef of grief. Leo: July 23 - Aug. 22 The Lion As the Mayfly lives briefly, we learn to content in the moment. Nevertheless, when crap is crap, you want your money back! Now... serenity is circumambient. Virgo: Aug. 23 - Sept. 22 The Virgin This day lie under the Dogwood tree of May. I understand you have hay,-fever. You were allergic to the Maypole too. Virgo is the sign of the harvest, hence, holding the sheaf of wheat! How the hell did you manage that? Mother Teresa was a Virgo, did she consider her wimple a nuisance.
Gemini: May 21 - June 20 The Twins
Libra: Sept. 23 - Oct. 22 The Scales
May Day! May Day! Will the real Twin please stand up! Are you a Hedgehog or a Hedge Fund? Are you rolling out the barrels or rolling into a ball? At worst your scruples quixotic. With your buoyancy, you can get a bail out because you can talk to anyone, anywhere! How about Bermuda? Others will open up to you like flowers in a flower-filled paradise knee-deep in May.
Hey, by the way, in the month of May, you can sit by that gorgeous Monterey Bay! Watch, be silent, turn into clay, and be the jewel for the day. The seals will grant you great admiration for your stoic play.
Cancer: June 21 - July 22 The Crab You cosmic collector! An aura of nostalgia dwells about you. Even Maia the Roman Goddess of Fertility had to accept Suzanne Somers as the forever sexy or Kelly Clarkson as a hot wife of present day. Knowing when to let change take
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Scorpio: Oct. 23 - Nov. 21 The Scorpion The number of deaths a Shaman lives determines his/her depth of wisdom. Diet tip: chill the fu*k out! Those seething emotions underneath are melting the wax off the Dixie Cups! Channel that energy into useful activities; spread a little Cinco De May-on-naise. Sagittarius: Nov. 22 - Dec. 21 The Archer
You Unpredictable Spirit! You are rushing out into the garden to wash your face with the May morning dew! How about pungent greed runs rampant as weeds of plush carpet and frog hearts race to the poolside! How do you like it? Capricorn: Dec. 22 - Jan. 19 The Goat Always anxiously asking yourself, “am I achieving as much as I should?” Do not buy a broom in May, yet do wear Egyptian cotton underwear. The only discipline and order you need is to avoid a wedgie. How gay is the merrily month of May! Aquarius: Jan 23 - Feb. 18 The Water-carrier Find your Faithful Scout! You have a sh*t load of work to do on the plains of time, changing all the whites into yolks! You like being different and so you will rise above ordinary human frailty. This way you can spawn that golden rule of what is best for the greatest number. Pisces: Feb. 19 - Mar. 20 The Fishes May-ily, May-ily, May-ily life is but a dream... No one can hear you scream ... underwater, nevertheless, you sea fairly. With the May growth of seaweed rope at your fin tips, you can pole dance down to the Earth’s surface and plug the boring show with the truth. You got front row seats.
9
Dead End Jobs
BY MIKE LARSEN
I moved to the Santa Cruz Mountains about sixteen years ago from San Francisco. While living there I wore a business suit and tie to work because of the professionalism my job required from me. When I moved here and began looking for work, I soon realized I would not need to wear a suit to interviews because. Yes indeed, this is Santa Cruz County and I looked silly being over dressed for the office type jobs that were available here. About six years ago, I needed to attend a funeral and thought it best to buy a new dark navy pin stripe suit to wear to these types of events. Plus someday, I thought, I’ll need to be buried in one, too. Well, since that funeral I have not worn this suit. About three months ago someone gave me a brand new pair of expensive burgundy leather patent shoes that his grandfather had bought but never worn because he passed away. The shoes fit perfectly so I took them thinking, “I will never wear these but boy would they look good in the coffin.” Last week I got called from my temp agency to interview at a local mortuary chapel to do administrative work as well as answer the phone and talk to loved ones. I was asked to wear a suit and tie. What irony. I would get to wear my future burial clothes along with the shoes of a dead man.
“I would get to wear my future burial clothes along with the shoes of a dead man. “ As a wannabe future or current comedy writer, I started to think how my sense of humor would fit in working at a Mortuary. The few people I have told this story to have already heard that my career was dead … but now it could be really dead. I’m always up beat and funny in interviews so I’ll have to be careful not to crack too many dead jokes. I will get back to you on the outcome.
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May 2013
Fo o l i sh C r o ssw ord
We're so foolishly devious. We've made this puzzle so easy ... all you have to do is read the paper, the whole paper and nothing but the paper. The clues are right there. When you think you've got it, send it in. The 11th player will win a $25 gift certificate to the Crown and Anchor and get recognized in next month's issue. 1) See through a lens clearly 2) Get some protection 3) Tweety Bird says I thought I saw a putty tat 4) One to nine, all in a row 5) Out of the mouths of someone 6) Sweetie Pie is not a dessert 7) If it's vegan it must be ... 8) The best locally grown food 9) Kanga and Roo together
10) Shave and a haircut, 2 bits 11) Fish don't just live in an aquarium 12) Fun in the summer at school 13) Don't be bullish 14) If it's pink and on the lawn 15) It's a couch, it's a chair, no it's a bed 16) Who's writing about college antics? 17) It's a rainbow of color and sidewalk art 18) Tickling the ivory
Check out last month's Foolish Crossword answers on Page 22
Hatchets With a Heart BY MARY TOMPSETT
JC Penney announced in March that it cut 1,500 jobs, but few people know that the company also received the coveted Mother Teresa Award for compassionate termination. On the day they were axed, employees reportedly broke down in tears. But they didn’t weep because anonymous hatchet men had beheaded their careers and dreams. No, the workers cried in gratitude for the sensitive, indeed saintly, manner in which the company announced the news—in other words, the old “It’s not what you say but how you say it” routine. Details? Read on. Workers usually face termination in humiliated isolation after a silent mugging by a pink slip. This time, however, top execs paraded into the office, singing a classic rock song by Kansas. After the final refrain
of “All we are is dust in the wind,” everyone dug into a large sheet cake decorated with the company logo, a miniature guillotine, and the inscription, “Let them eat cake!” This reflected a portion of the corporate mission statement which holds that giving food is always better than a hug because it doesn’t involve touching anyone. Furthermore, bakery expenses can be written off. As a gesture of good will, corporate bigwigs then gave each fired worker the popular cookbook, Canned Peas, the Jewel in Every Meal, but did not comment on the irony of the title’s first word. The company also waived its policy that workers must clean up the lunch room before picking up their severance checks. This avoided the inevitable and embarrassing emotional meltdowns while pawing through gunky salad dressing bottles and green baloney sandwiches left in the refrigerator. To assist workers in removing their personal desk items, the
company provided cardboard boxes specially created by the marketing department— prior to their own termination. Because job loss often precedes homelessness, the boxes were cleverly designed so they could later be reassembled to make a small studio apartment, complete with sleeping loft and side patio.
“This reflected a portion of the corporate mission statement which holds that giving food is always better than a hug.” To minimize last-minute revenge theft, the company set up an amnesty booth at which the exiting workers could surrender any stolen files, office supplies or toilet paper without fear of disciplinary action. In exchange, they received a free box of Ramen noodles. The termination of hardworking employees is always a traumatic
experience, particularly for the CEOs worried about profitable restructuring schematics. Fortunately, they and the Board of Directors will gather soon in Paris for their annual retreat. In an unprecedented move, they invited all fired workers to enter their pink slips into a drawing for a free dinner and cocktails at the opening night. Of course, the lucky winner will be responsible for air fare, hotel and meal expenses. But there is a rumor afloat that several cardboard studio apartments are at this moment being waterproofed and reconfigured into a sea-worthy raft stocked with noodles. © 2013 by Mary Tompsett Mary Tompsett is a humorist who tries to avoid living in a “gated community” because institutional straitjackets are notoriously unflattering. Her novel, Whinny From the Heart, is available through www. booklocker.com
May 2013
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Be Careful What You Wish For Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be." "Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!" "No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy. "I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply. "Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone. After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"
Photo 1 At a glance, these two
Photo 2
BY MIKE T.
photos look alike. However, the one on the bottom has been subtly altered using sophisticated, high-tech computer software. Can you spot the dierences? Answers on page 33!
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May 2013
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Sound Track of Love BY ROSIE SORENSON There’s a new soundtrack to our lives. Sometimes we hear a B-flat, sometimes an A, sometimes a trill. With each note we’re reminded that every cat snores to her own drummer. You heard right – Sweetie Pie snores. Who knew? Prior to bringing her into our home, Sweetie Pie lived for15 years in Buster Hollow with the colony of homeless kitties I’ve Mom-catted for 17 years. She was and still is the funniest cat around. Sweetie Pie is small. Even now she looks to be the size of a ninemonth-old kitten. She had a litter of two before I could catch and fix her. One of her kittens was disabled, impossible to catch, and disappeared within two weeks of the first sighting. The other gray striped baby, Sonny Gray, was her doppelganger, only larger in size with eyes a little less amber. She rebuffed his overtures of friendship time and again, issuing her allpurpose hiss whenever he drew near. She either did not recognize her own flesh and blood, or was put out that she’d been forced against her will into early motherhood. Why wasn’t I consulted? No one stepped up to claim paternity. It took me two years to develop a relationship with her. After that, she was my darlin’, rushing out to greet me every day when I came to feed. Thirteen years ago, she developed a mad crush on my sweetheart Steve when he began to accompany me on my rounds. I wouldn’t exactly say my feelings were hurt, but, geez, I’d been out there every day, rain or shine, courting her, loving her, petting her, feeding her, and now? Steve was her savior? Puh-leeze! Fickle felines!
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You’d have to see it to believe it, but whenever Steve came with me to feed the kitties, Sweetie Pie would rush down the path toward us, crying, “Eeee, Eeee,” and upon getting closer, would collapse into the brown paper bag of food sitting near Steve’s feet. “Omigod, Omigod, Omigod,” she seemed to cry. “My man’s here, my man’s here!” She didn’t know whether to eat, get more pets, or hiss in a neighboring cat’s butt, such was her excitement. She danced on her tippy-toes, rubbed against his legs, flopped her head into his hands, all
“It’s a good set of cat-loving friends who will foster a cat such as Sweetie Pie.” the while smiling. (www.youtube. com/theyhadmeatmeow.) This went on for 13 years, until July. Prior to July, there was the occasional injury in the colony – a
limping cat here, an abscessed cat there, a runny eye requiring the attention of a vet. But, nothing prepared me for July. One cat after another turned up injured – six in all, the wounds appearing on the left side of their bodies. As injuries go they were rather minor, a superficial scrape or two along the left side inflicted by some unknown critter. Was the perp another cat? A skunk? A raccoon? We had no idea. The only clue we had was that one day Steve saw the long-haired black cat Barry attack Sweetie Pie as she emerged from her home in the blackberry bushes near the path. She was heading down to visit Steve on a day when I couldn’t come. The following afternoon, I noticed a new scrape on her side. I blamed Barry. Barry had joined the colony eight months ago, origin unknown. The other cats gave him a wide berth. He never came close enough for me to socialize him, let alone confirm his sex, but I was pretty sure he was a male. After her injury, we trapped Sweetie Pie and took her to the vet who was puzzled by the nature of the wound. The vet couldn’t figure out how it had been inflicted. If it were a raccoon, or even a skunk, the cat would have been eviscerated. Same for a dog. Another cat? Possible, but how? To find out the fate of Sweetie Pie, go to www.foolishtimes.net! Rosie Sorenson is a recovering psychotherapist and an award-wining writer whose work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and other publications. They Had Me at Meow is a collection of stories and color photos of Rosie’s fifteen-year relationship with a colony of homeless cats who have helped her recover from a long bout with chronic fatigue. Meow won the 2009 Muse Medallion Award from the Cat Writers Association and the 2010 Best Pets Book award from BAIPA. For more information and to order her book, please visit her website: www.TheyHadMeAtMeow.com.
Q: What do you get if you all sit under a cow? A: A pat on the head! Q: What's the best way to make a bull sweat? A: Put him in a tight jumper! Q: What do you call a pig that took a plane? A: Swine flu! Q: What kind of doctor treats ducks? A: A quack! Q: What did the well mannered sheep say to his friend at the field gate? A: After ewe! Q: Why did the ram fall over the cliff? A: He didn't see the ewe turn! Q: What do cows like to dance to? A: Any kind of moosic you like!
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BIG DAY FOR THE LITTLE DUDE
May 2013
BY TED GARGIULO Another installment in the incredible saga of Dr. Garjekyll and Teddy Hyde
Tales of my wild romantic exploits have been grossly exaggerated. My first official date wasn’t until I was 16—a late start, even by yesterday’s standards. Verily, the flesh was more than willing. But my private school wasn’t exactly teaming with tantalizing coeds, plus not having a car made navigation a hassle and kept me out of circulation. Besides, the females I fancied were usually 10-25 years older than me, and most of them were on television or in movies and extremely unavailable. Little wonder, the only wild oats I sowed back then were Cheerios. Nevertheless, I did hit it off with a girl from my HS drama group. Ms. S was sweet, personable, unpretentious, just this side of cute. Okay, she was only 15, but she enjoyed being around me. After growing up around a pack of farty old women babbling to each other in Italian, I felt flattered by the attention. I
asked her out, not because she turned me on (I’d have preferred Natalie Wood), but because I knew she’d say yes. Guess where I took her? On a cruise! No, not to the Bahamas. There was a famous three-hour boat ride called the Circle Line that sailed around Manhattan Island. I’d ridden it twice before, once with my aunt and again with my sophomore class. It gave me the advantage of being more experienced than my date. (Don’t laugh. Every badboy has to start somewhere!) Sorry there aren’t any steamy details to report. S loved the cruise and thought me terribly clever for suggesting it. Thankfully, I didn’t need to do anything special once we were onboard: just sit, enjoy the ride and let the scenery do the talking. Easiest ego points I ever earned! Getting kissed didn’t even concern me, not this time. I was actually more afraid of being mugged on the subway. What could be more humiliating than having my throat cut in the presence of a girl I was trying to impress? Would have scarred me for life! We trekked back to her place without
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incident: no slobber, no bloodshed, no hurt feelings. S thanked me for a good time, a bit ceremoniously, then gave me a peck on the lips, like I was her grandfather. I could live with that. We parted friends, and I returned home that evening with my reputation intact. (What reputation???) Perhaps you’d rather hear about my experience with Ms. K the following year. In a word, she was everything Ms. S was not. My first thoughts when I met
“What could be more humiliating than having my throat cut in the presence of a girl I was trying to impress?" her...well, they weren’t about cruising the Hudson. Clearly, this girl had been around, and I don’t mean around Manhattan Island. She looked good, she smelled great, she liked me, and there’s no point pretending that anything else mattered. So I’ll skip the formalities (like K did) and cut to the chase.
Ever hear the expression, "A kiss is as a thousand years?" Of course not; I just made it up. It’s how that first mystical plunge felt. Like diving into a chasm from which I thought I’d never emerge... falling, falling, through some bottomless rabbit hole. By the time I reached bottom, my face was inside out, and I had aged a thousand years. Dang! Was this what I’d been missing? I had a similar reaction the first time I awoke from surgery. When I was young, life seemed like a hormonal joyride without an itinerary; a series of false starts, rude awakenings and half-hearted simulations of experiences I only dimly understood. Neither of the infantile pseudoromances I described here—nor the several dozen R-rated spinoffs that followed—could have prepared me for the extraordinary lady I was destined to marry. Or for that transcendent moment when I knew I loved her and wanted her forever. Indeed, the day I finally beheld perfection face to face, was the day the little dude put away childish things and became a man.
P UNS
Puns about monorails always make for decent one-liners. Have you heard about that online origami store? It folded. There was a fight in the candy store. Two suckers got licked. I used to do rock climbing as a youth, but I was much boulder back then. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. With the apocalypse approaching, armageddon out of here! I finished my trigonometry exam without a secant to lose. I hate the price of candy at the movie theater. They're always raisinette. I tried wrapping Christmas presents, but I didn't have the gift. Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'. He avoided funerals because he was not a mourning person. My grade in Marine Biology is below sea-level. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. Every calendar's days are numbered. If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence. A bacteria walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'We don't serve bacteria in this place.' The bacteria said, 'But I work here, I'm staph.'
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May 2013
Quirky Quotations THE QUOTATION QUIZ OF QUESTIONABLE QUALITY BY QUARLEN QUROSSMAN
Can you guess who said the following? 1. "I like children. If they're properly cooked." A. George Washington B. W.C. Fields 2. That's the trouble with politicians. They think the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth are three different things." A. Plato B. Jay Leno 3. "For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal." A. Wolfgang Mozart B. Woody Allen 4. "The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin." A. Mark Twain B. Mao Tse-Tung 5. "Health decisions (are) made by insurance companies...which are a lot like hospital gowns. Chances are your ass isn't covered." A. Bill Maher B. Benjamin Franklin 6. "If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters." A. Demetri Martin B. Woodrow Wilson 7. "Too bad that all the people who really know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair." A. Cleopatra B. George Burns 8. "If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all." A. Rodney Dangerfield B. Mamie Eisenhower Answers (all true): 1-B, 2-B, 3-B, 4-A, 5-A, 6-A, 7-B, 8-A Scoring: (number correct ): 7-8: Perplexed, 5-6: Itchy, 3-4-: Perfectionist, 1-2: Tyrant, 0: Sociable Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey County Herald and at quotationquotient.com.
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From the Sandlot BY HUNTER KOSMALA FIRM BALLS, PLEASE Beep. Beep. “Have a good day,” said Amanda as she checked the guests ID cards as they entered the fitness center. “Have a good workout,” her bubbly voice pushed them down to the locker room. A man walked in with a purple bag, TCU Frogs pasted all over it. He wore a gray shirt that had the TCU logo on it and “Go Frogs” in big letters on the back. He had on purple shorts and guess what, there was a Horned Frog on them. I guess you could say this guy really enjoyed his alma mater. It was a pretty busy day with events going on in both basketball gyms, fitness classes, actual school classes and the everyday users of the fitness center. There were probably close to 400 people in the building. I walked into the gym and was watching some basketball when I heard my name over the radio. “Hunter, can you please come to the front desk.” “On my way,” I responded, not knowing what I was getting myself into. The man, we will call him the TCU man, was standing at the desk waiting for me. In fact, he started walking toward me before I even got near the desk. “Are you in charge here?” he asked rather sternly. “Uh. Yes. I am for right now because it is the weekend and professional staff is not here today. How can I help you?” I said being as patient as I could. “Your racquetballs are not firm enough,” he said keeping a straight face.
It took everything I had to not laugh directly in this man’s face, so holding back my laughter I said, “Well sir, let me go and see if I can fix that.” He blurted, “Do you have any new balls?” “Like I said sir, I am going to go see if I can fix your firmness issue.” Without realizing what I said I turned around and saw both of my front desk operators nearly rolling on the floor with laughter. “Oh, and what is so funny to you two?” I asked sarcastically. Elijah belted through heaving breaths of laughter, “You just told that guy you can help him with
“ Your raquetballs are not firm enough!” his firmness issue.” I looked at him with a slight misunderstanding. Then it clicked. I thought to myself, “Ooops, that probably wasn’t the best thing to say. Oh well.” I went to the back and searched for more racquetballs, couldn’t find any. I called Elijah on the walkie-talkie and told him to bring me a couple racquetballs from the front desk; the ones that the TCU man already said were not firm enough. Elijah brought me the balls and I told him to go to the desk and watch what happens. “Well sir, this is the best I can do,” holding out the two racquetballs Elijah brought me about ten seconds earlier. He dropped and squeezed each one multiple times and said, “Ah, much better. Thank you very much. Can I take both?” “Sure,” I said, nodding with a small smirk of deception.
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May 2013
continued from page 6 - Rex it over against the plywood cutouts of the Lennon Sisters from the Lawrence Welk Show. Next, he hurled himself up into the air and grabbed one by the neck and shook it mercilessly, flinging it against the broken, fallen over birdbath. This dog was on a rampage. Rex kicked a flamingo with his back legs, sending it sailing into my hand painted plywood rendition of Mother Theresa and Willie Nelson skinny-dipping in the Carmel River. I have no idea what was setting Rex off. I thought it wise to stand up and get in front of the miniature wagon train I had made with popsicle sticks
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and empty beer cans. Lord knows, he would have done something mean-spirited with a flamingo to that precious work of art. “Land sakes, Rex! What is bothering you so much? Huh? Jeese!” I think I heard a dog tooth break as he decimated a pair of flamingoes next to the year-round Nativity scene over by the year-round scene of the paper mache Ronald Regan and Tip O’Neill playing leap frog. Yes siree, Bob. Something for sure was bothering Rex. I have no idea. Rex and Tom, or Tom and Rex can be reached at burns100@earthlink.net
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May 2013
Cat Owners, Revolt! BY REX KEYES
I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read the headlines in a local newspaper, “Cats credited with big kills.” I thought the article was about the cats of the Serengeti Plains of Africa bringing down water buffalo, elephants and gazelles. But oh no, it was a two pronged attack on domestic cats by two government agencies, the Smithsonian Conservation Biology Institute and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. Peter Marra, a research scientist at the Institute, put together a paper from 90 different studies to come to the conclusion that “feral and owned cats pose a far greater threat than previously thought” and that “outdoor cats account for the leading cause of death among both birds and mammals in the United States.” So these government employees have nothing better to do than sit behind their mahogany desks in Washington D.C. and do research on cats and cat owners in the U.S.? What is surprising is that there were 90 other government studies on cats from them to draw on. And what mammals could your “Felix” be killing? Could it be deer, wolves, the pronghorn antelope, skunks, and raccoons? I don’t think so. Those mammals are mainly vermin, mice and rats that occupy and infest every corner of Washington D.C. (I am not talking about politicians). And
what about the birds they are killing? Could it be the Red Tailed Hawk, the Peregrine Falcon, the Humming bird or the Egret? I don’t think so. Those birds are mostly the billions of invasive species like the English sparrow, Common Grackle and Starlings that multiply like rats, leave droppings everywhere you go, and displace domestic species. Beware all you cat owners! They have banned the “Big Gulp.” Your cat could be next! Protest to the Smithsonian Biology Institute and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service this one-sided study before it is too late! Still not convinced about an attack on cat ownership? George Fenwick, president of the American Bird Conservancy in the same article stated, “the findings should serve as a wake-up call for cat owners and communities to get serious about this problem before even more ecological damage occurs,” in other words more government regulations possibly banning cat ownership. What cat owners can do is to ask their political representative to apply those 85 billion dollars in sequestration to those two agencies wasting tax dollars, and before you vote for your next congressman or senator, make sure he or she is cat friendly or owns a cat. Only by confronting these catatonic bureaucrats can a catastrophe be avoided in order to bring a true catharsis to cat owners.
Fo o l i sh C r o ssw ord ANSWERS We have a winner! S. Horcajo sent the answers at just the right time to be the 7th entrant and wins the gift certificate. We thought about publishing the answers, but that seems foolish! -the editor
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May 2013
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