October 2013
Being Larry Wilde AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH A COMEDY GREAT PG. 18
October 2013
What the (BLEEP) is Foolish Times?
Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pets, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the socalled “writers” and “artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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Chucklehead .........................................Stevie P. Editorial Fool ...........................................Susie Q. Art Fool..................................................Allison W. Sales Fool ........................................Elizabeth S.
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Bini, Ted Gargiulo, Rex Keyes, Quarlen Qurossman, Rosie Sorenson, Mary Tompsett, Monthy Truitt, Derrick Wood, Larry Wilde
The Chucklehead Speaks: This past month has been fun meeting new people and listening to them recite jokes from the paper. It seems that there are more funny people here than I thought. A UPS driver showed up last week with a big box of crap I didn’t remember buying and told me a joke he read in Foolish Times four years ago. Four years ago! I don’t remember what I did four days ago! Thank you all for reading and remembering. A special shout out to my Mom who is celebrating her 29th (plus 50) birthday on October 2. Love you and miss you.
STEVIE P.
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Editor's Note: We’ve got a great new feature this month from someone who knows a thing or two about humor … Larry Wilde. He’s a gold-mine of one-liners, funny stories and silly jokes. You’ll get to know him in the months ahead as we highlight excerpts from his 53 books. Not all at once, of course! Lots of fall festivities this month – costume events, hay rides, corn mazes, Halloween activities – be sure to check out what the advertisers have happening. Last month, we kicked-off our Foolin’ Around Town feature, spotlighting local events throughout the area. Looking for something to do; we’ve got it on page 22. Have a great month! Don’t be afraid to scare the pants of someone (easy way to add to your wardrobe)! SUSIE Q., Editorial Fool editor@foolishtimes.net
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October 2013
Quirky Quotations THE QUOTATION QUIZ OF QUESTIONABLE QUALITY BY QUARLEN QUROSSMAN
Can you guess who said the following? 1. "The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity." A. Queen Elizabeth II B. Dorothy Parker 2. “Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.” A. Henry Kissinger B. Confucius 3. "Politics is show business for ugly people." A. Paul Begala B. John Quincy Adams 4. "It is slander to say my troubles come from chasing women. They begin when I catch them." A. Pope Francis B. John Barrymore 5. "Exercise is bunk. If you are healthy, you don't need it: if you are sick you should not take it." A. Henry Ford B. Leon Panetta 6. "A girl's legs are her best friends... but even the best of friends must part." A. Leon Trotsky B. Redd Foxx 7. “People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it.” A. Alexander the Great B. Noel Coward 8. "The only time people dislike gossip in when you gossip about them." A. Will Rogers B. Yoda Answers (all true): 1-B, 2-A, 3-A, 4-B, 5-A, 6-B, 7-B, 8-A Scoring: (number correct ) 7-8: Goth, 5-6: Ethical, 3-4: Cheap, 1-2: Crackpot, 0: Mellow Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey County Herald and at quotationquotient.com.
Option to Buy a Car…With Options BY REX KEYES
It is absolutely amazing what people order for options on their car. When we first moved down to the Monterey area from Anchorage, AK we could not believe how many people had four-wheel drive vehicles. I said, “Boy, they must have snow or road ice here in central California.” Even in Anchorage people got along without four-wheel drive. They threw a couple of bags of sand in the back of a two-wheel drive pickup or sedan or used studded tires. Why dish out more than $2,000 dollars for a fourwheel drive if you are not going to use it. One can even get a few more miles per gallon with twowheel drive since it weighs less and doesn’t have all those extra gears. The only four wheeling we saw here were teenagers on Friday and Saturday nights going up and down the Salinas River partying.
“Why dish out more than $2,000 dollars for a four-wheel drive if you are not going to use it. ” I really found out about people ordering options one day standing in the a hallway of a dealership. I overheard coming from a room, “Sir, we have a special UV coating to protect that beautiful paint job from the harsh rays of the sun. It will only add $15 to your monthly payment.” The buyer, I couldn’t believe, actually fell for this, hook, line and sinker. But now as I think back, maybe the buyer was thinking way ahead and preparing to protect his car from global warming. Yea, when we lose the ozone layer and everybody else’s paint is peeling his paint job will still be pristine.
After the UV coating sale, I heard, “You are still under your monthly payment allowance and the upgraded car stereo system will only add another $14. It is the best sound system money can buy.” Again the buyer agreed for another option, a $1,100 stereo system. With 350 watts of power, there is nothing like cruising down the street with the stereo turned way up so people can hear it blocks away. The police will love it too, as they are known to turn their flashing red and blue lights on behind you as a sign of appreciation. Maybe the purchaser was a longhair (not hippie, but a concert enthusiast) and with that new stereo system he would be able to discern C minor, A flat and all those beautiful musical notes, as if he were at an opera. And with the main speakers just above the floor and the high frequencies of the upgraded stereo he could just turn the volume up and get a good foot massage, sort of like high frequency ultrasound therapy. The driver, to my surprise, stood his ground on one option, “No, absolutely no cruise control! People with cruise control do not have to pay attention to their speed, get lazy, fall asleep at the wheel and run off the road and crash. It’s like having autopilot.” He had a point. There was an instance where two airline pilots on autopilot, fell asleep, over flew their destination by several hundred miles until they woke up and flew back. All I have to say about options is to each his own. Let me see, foot massage on a new car, not a bad idea. Of course, I may fall asleep. Oh wait, I hear they now have an option of an espresso machine than can be installed right between the front seats. That will keep me awake. That’s it, sign me up.
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October 2013
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BEER
DONUTS
ITALIAN
PUBS
Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take out, both draft & bottles 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
La Dolce Vita “The Sweet Life” Charming date night or family gathering place Great wine list indoor & patio seating 5th Ave between San Carlos & Dolores Carmel 831.624.3667 www.ladolcevitacarmel.com
Crown & Anchor Home of Basal! A classic British owned & operated pub. Late night menu 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
CAFÉ
CHINESE
Del Monte Café Great breakfast & lunch Fresh handmade burgers to order 1642 Del Monte Ave, Seaside 831.394.7851 www.delmontecafeseaside.com
Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117
KoKo’s Café Greek gyros, freshly made baklava Homemade gelatos, coffee bar 419 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.375.3777 www.kokosmonterey.com
Full Moon A local favorite, lunch specials Warm hospitality and perfect portions Mandarin cuisine at its best 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288
Mando’s Casual family dining Flamenco dancers every third Friday 162 Fountain St, PG 831.656.9235
Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St & 601 Wave St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com
Noodle Bar Vietnamese meets Chinese! Inexpensive, not cheap! Boba drinks 1944 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 215 Reservation Rd, Marina 831.392.2010 831.384.6225 www.noodlebarfood.com
Lopez Cantina Award winning family recipes Authentic, fresh and delicious Can you say tequila! 635 Cass St, Monterey 831.324.4260 www.lopezrestaurantmonterey.com
Trailside Café A local favorite. Fish tacos, salads, benedicts Beer, local wine list, full coffee bar Ocean view, heated patio 550 Wave St, Monterey 831-649.8600 www.trailsidecafe.com
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WINE Monterey Country is home to award winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers
Duffy’s Tavern The friendliest military watering hole in town Best burgers and coldest beer around All you can eat Spaghetti every Monday 282 High St, Monterey 831.644.9811
THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Local’s rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd. Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com D’Anna Thai Kitchen Say “hi” to Chef D’Anna as you walk by the open kitchen Cute converted cottage. Formerly My Thai 210 Reindollar Ave Marina 831.883.9399 www.dannathaikitchen.com Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes - Not your father’s traditional Thai food although worth the trip to Oldtown 328 Main St Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
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October 2013
Salty Senior Silliness ENTERTAINMENT AT THE SENIOR CENTER It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Crap!", said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the senior center. WHAT DID SHE SAY? Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street. They can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They load her into the police
cruiser and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drive through the streets they keep asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officer’s arm is "You’re Passionate." They drove awhile longer and asked again, and again the same response as she stroked his arm "You’re Passionate." The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, “Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live.” She replied I keep trying to tell you: "You’re Passin’ It!" SAY AGAIN! A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4,000, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." WHAT THE HECK! Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
SUNDAE SILLY A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "arthritis. WHAT REALLY MATTERS A retiree said to his 80 year old friend, “It it true you’re getting married?” “Sure is.” “Have I met her?”
“I don't think so.” “Is she attractive?” “Won't win any beauty contests.” “Can she cook?” “Can't even boil an egg.” “Is she rich?” “Rich? Heck, she's so poor she can't even pay attention.” “She must be great in the sack then?” “I haven't actually found out.” “My God, man, why are you marrying her?” “She can still drive.”
A guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, "What’s the first thing you notice about me?" The guy responds, "Why, you don't have any ears." Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy." The second guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, "What’s the first thing you notice about me?" The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears." Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy." The guy on the way out says to the third guy "Whatever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears he'll kick you right out." Third guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, "What’s the first thing you notice about me?" The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you." The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?" Third guy "Because you don't have any darn ears to hang glasses on."
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October 2013
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October 2013
A virtual smorgasbord of jokes and otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times @ editor@foolishtimes.net Thanks to Joaquin Clausett for these funnies. An old farmer turned 80, and decided to retire. Although he’d never been more than 100 miles from the farm, he’d had a lifelong dream of visiting Britain, so he went to his bank to arrange the financial details. As he sat with the bank manager, the old farmer mentioned that he was looking forward to driving around England, just taking his time, stopping whenever he wanted and seeing all the sights. The bank manager became concerned, and suggested that he should take bus tours or something other than driving, because “over there, they drive on the other side of the road”. The banker tried everything he could think of to change the old man’s mind, but the farmer was adamant; this was something he’d dreamed of all his life and nothing was going to change it. The very next day, the old farmer was back in the bank, where he told the manager that he was, after all, going to heed his advice and take bus tours and trains instead of driving. The manager asked what it was that had changed his mind. The old farmer replied that “It was that thing you said about them driving on the other side of the road: I tried it on the way home yesterday, and it’s really, really dangerous!” A guy was driving past a mental hospital in the countryside when one of the wheels came off his car. Luckily, he was able to stop safely and retrieve the wheel, but he couldn't find the lug-nuts to re-attach it. While he was searching for them, he became increasingly uncomfortable about being watched by someone who was
silently following his every move from just inside the hospital wall. He eventually decided that he had no option but to walk to the next town to get new lug-nuts, so he told the man behind the wall what he was going to do, and asked him how far it was to the next town. The man behind the wall was silent for a moment, then said "It's about two miles, but ... if you take one lug-nut off each of the other wheels and use them to secure the loose wheel, then drive very carefully to the next town, you wouldn't have to leave the car here and you'd save yourself a lot of time and effort." The car owner was amazed. "If you can think of things like that, how come you're in here?" "I'm here because I'm mentally ill, not stupid." was the response. A guy was driving out in the country, when his car started to shudder and soon came to a complete halt. The guy, who knew almost nothing about cars, got out, lifted the hood, and stared hopelessly at the car’s innards. After a few seconds, a booming voice said “Check the carburetor!” The startled driver looked all around, but all he could see was two horses in a field – one next to the road and another at the opposite end of the field. However, he checked the carburetor and saw that one of the leads had become loose, so he reattached it and drove, carefully, to an auto-repair shop in the next town. He told the mechanic what had happened, and about the horses, but he was somewhat apologetic – not wanting the mechanic to think he was crazy. “Was it a white horse next to the road?” asked the mechanic. “Yes, it was!” replied the man. “You’re lucky”
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said the mechanic. “The brown one doesn’t know a darned thing about engines!” Submitted by Rex Keyes Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low-grade motel.
The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations." St. Peter replied, "We have more than 100 Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."
October 2013
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BY BINI Sudden storms, droughts, floods, earthquakes...Email me: foolsholiday@live.com
Aries: March 21 - April 19 Boo! Corn Yellow Gold, growing tired and growing mold. A significant oversight on your watch Ramsie, you cannot text your way out of this crop flop. Drop the Ram with the Golden Fleece bit before famine sweeps you clean and you are left with just the creeps. Boo! Taurus: April 20 - May 20 Captivating Bull will not rid you of your demons. Carve a silver crescent moon into your third eye to dress-up your romantic streak. Make a dent in that bullhead of yours! And yes, you could still end up a sheik freak. The great popularity of “Bull” is no easy task not even with a mask!
Hercules. No need to be miffed let it drift. Already no stone, no iron, nor bronze can penetrate your ravishing pelt! Deal with the hand you are dealt. So what if it’s eerie the black pussycat may be your mother-inlaw. Virgo: August 23 - September 22 Put the Sheath down you Harvest Mogul and unveil your vulnerabilities. You feel isolated because you are controlling all the playing fields. Here is a treat; look in the glass and your future lover’s face will pass... You missed it?! Did you glimpse the ass? Don’t get all Virgin on me now. Libra: September 23 - October 22
Bewitching-Inseparable-Twins~Side by side, through out the ages you twinkled atop ships’ masts, and guided fools out of the storm. Be it the horse tamer or the goblin, superb boxer or spook, your three faces of EVE, do indeed deceive, even kicked ass on Captain Kook.
The incantation goes: Pour joyeux anniversaire, Pour joyeux anniversaire! You Master of Balance, harmonize with the harvest, weigh fairly the endosperm, howl at the headstones, all while blindfolded, isn’t denial divine. Spoon of toad...wiggle your nose, you are the fool that knows, and you are one year older – Boohaha, Boo-Mhaa!
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
Scorpio: October 23 - Nov. 21
(Spoken in Hillbillian) That there unique oblique movement of yours is a lesson in mesmerism!
Blissful bash of the dead indeed! Your guests are all petrified wood. Is this your idea of a swinging stinger punch? Or is it the hair-raising Hashish? Gesundheit! If you desire an outcome, try apple bobbing while adorned with a Tiara. This is real strenuous fun. Pretend!
Gemini: May 21 - June 20
Just like cuttin’ up the rug in a slow motion Opery. I know you ain’t orchestrating no Hocus Pocus Crabby...‘cause you're a natural. At times, you may lose your way in a Zombie run, but you can always ask a relative turtle for directions. Leo: July 23 - August 22 An afterlife apparition...Alarming. Yes, but note that not every challenge is like the twelve labors of
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forget the parachute because this fantasy featurette has no 007 in it, more like a blood Red Balloon. You are mortal after all. Capricorn - Dec. 22 - January 19 Your love of nature is beguiling! Taking advantage of every foothold on the woodlands and fields is your business. Bold tales told, short sales sold and resold. A troll on a stroll you are not...But are you the BANK of WOLF? Eating Grandma doesn’t sound right. Aquarius: Jan 23 - February 18 Alluring are the waters of HAP! You the Egyptian water bearer are happening Hap! A full cauldron of honey
Sagittarius: Nov. 22 - December 21
& wine awaits your spell to spill and fill the ways into a great flood that shall wash us unharmed. Un-hammered would be wise ~ because there is a ghastly crypt in this scripture. Relax; it’s not the Grim Reaper! Pisces: February 19 - March 20 Throw the lantern! Burn fast out of this foggy midnight. A ghoulish masquerade has been played upon you...the bogeyman is really the bogeyman, shocking isn’t it. Let your natural glamour, mystery, artistic imagination, dreams, and visions, cloak you in a blue-emerald gown. ZAP that f$%Ker with your wizardry! YOU are the real thing.
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October 2013
FUNNY BONES
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 exactly once.
JOKES SUBMITTED BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
“Look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. How come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running.” Submitted by Colleen London, Sanofi Pasteur
Answers on Page 20
A motorcycle mechanic spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
Spirituality of (Massive) Imperfection BY MARY TOMPSETT
Yesterday I was in meditation so deep I needed waterwings, and I heard a voice unlike the usual ones in my head. I’m not sure it was God, but it did sound a lot like Charlton Heston. Anyway, the voice revealed my new spiritual path, saying I should skip “going to my happy place,” the one in which I imagine being locked in a bakery. Also, no more kneeling in the sunbeams streaming through the plastic “stained glass” wreath suction-cupped to the window since Christmas 2010 to pray that the specks in my rye bread are indeed caraway seeds, not bugs. Instead, Charlton rebuked my disdain for those “Walmartian” photos we’ve all seen via email, and he reminded me that 3,800-plus WalMart stores, clubs and markets in the U.S. may have shabby labor policies,
but they teem with spiritually enlightened customers. Lo! I bring examples that thou mayest see the light. Sure, we wince at the photo of the geezer in camo pushing a toddler in a shopping cart filled with booze. But what awesome self-acceptance, as evidenced in his choice of t-shirt. We too can achieve this equanimity without therapy, self-help books, or religious refrigerator magnets simply by wearing a ratty, puke-orange t-shirt that proclaims, “Proud to be a Dickhead!!” It’s true, all the good ones are taken. Speaking of shopping carts and being still, the shot of a 400 lb. woman wedged impossibly backwards into a cart speaks to her faith in miracles. And, I guess, to the wisdom of not eating leaded paint. And there was the Rapunzel woman (or maybe not) in gleaming hair cascading down to his/her sequined platform shoes. A closer look revealed the tresses to be a
lumpy parade of mismatched wigs attached end to end. Such creative self-expression makes me weep with envy. Do you yearn to release your playful inner child? Do what one customer (gender unknown) did, and draw new eyebrows across your forehead in jumbo black marker.
"Sure, we wince at the photo of the geezer in camo pushing a toddler in a shopping cart …" “Measure twice, cut once”comes to mind as I scroll past umpteen photos of obese adults whose fat folds billow up and out of their toddler-size shorts like monstrous scoops of melting ice cream (yes, with butt crack) perched atop a wedge of spandex cone. Oh, what freedom to roam untethered to reality and so impervious to mockery! And these enlightened souls need no workshops to learn to stay “in the
now.” No, when seized by a Big Mac coma, they simply winch themselves down onto a fragile cot or patio bench and sleep, mouth agape. Getting up is tricky, of course… “Cleanup in Aisle Five!” Obesity is a sad epidemic, but obese public nudity is an inspiration! When we observe the rear view of a hippo-sized woman (wearing nothing except a t-shirt covering, um, some of her ass), it’s a reminder to: 1. Turn the other cheek, or multiples thereof. 2. Be grateful our vision isn’t as good as it used to be. 3. Count our blessings, she ain’t wedged in a cart and blocking the checkout. © 2013 by Mary Tompsett Mary Tompsett is a humorist who tries to avoid living in a “gated community” because institutional straitjackets are notoriously unflattering. Her novel, Whinny From the Heart, is available through www. booklocker.com
October 2013
Exotic Neurotic
Halloween Bash Hosted by
Fremont Adult Book Store
Feathers Fun Fantasy Thursday October 31 8pm-midnight Advanced Tickets $10 Day of Party $15
Ristorante
Celebrate October
Special Prix Fixe Menu
3 Course Meal (includes a drink) Appetizer, Entree, Dessert… $19.99 3 topping 12” Pizza $10.00 (to go only)
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• Beer and Wine Tasting • • D.J. •
THE ONE AND ONLY Adult Community and LGBT Friendly Halloween Party in Monterey County Follow us on Facebook for updated party info Tickets available at
Fremont Adult Book Store 2116 N Fremont St, Monterey or call: 831.372.9410 www.fremontadultstore.com A women owned and operated business
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831-373-1534 Open Monday - Friday 7:30am - 5:30pm 234 Ramona Ave. Monterey • www.roberts-autorepair.com
Downtown Monterey
The pen is mightier than the sword – if the sword is very small and the pen is real sharp.
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We’re Green!
Downtown Old Monterey Farmers Market Every Tuesday Rain or Shine Fall Hours 4-8pm See ya there!
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VOTED MONTEREY’S MOST AUTHENTIC BRITISH PUB The Crown and Anchor is a must for tourists and locals alike when visiting Historic Old Monterey. Pop in and soak in the ambiance of a true British Pub and Restaurant. Lunch & Dinner Served All Day • Full Menu Served Until Midnight Children’s Menu • Heated Full-Service Patio • Full Bar Including Single-Malt Scotches & Classic Irish Whiskeys Happy Hour 4-6pm Monday-Friday • British Owned and Operated
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October 2013
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October 2013
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Answers on Page 20
This October We Celebrate...
TEACHERS PHYSICIANS SMILES NURSES MOLD ANGEL FOOD TEDDY
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Open 7 Days-A-Week Serving Lunch & Dinner 11:00am - 9:00pm
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October 2013
Music Zone
Yank My Train BY TED GARGIULO
Most young fellas in my day envisioned themselves playing major league sports, fighting crime, fighting fires, saving lives, excelling at things I wasn’t any good at. Me, I fantasized about subway trains. Had an infatuation with them bordering on obsession. Rode them in my mind for whole afternoons sometimes. Normal kids all wanted to be engineers. Not me. I was perfectly content to look out the passenger window and watch the world go by. It’s what I did when I rode the subway in real time; it’s what I daydreamed about when I was alone. Made no difference where I was headed, as long as I was in motion. Riding the subway was such an integral part of my daily meditation, I arranged a special time and place for it. The hall bathroom served as the BMT express. I’d close the door, then stand behind it peering out the "window." Not that there was much to see inside the tunnel, mind you, other than the blur of lights and tracks and subway walls streaking by. Yet, the experience was curiously mesmerizing, and I enjoyed recreating it inside my head. Occasionally, I’d have my train come out into the open, just like the real BMT. However, I preferred the underground, probably because tunnels were dark and private (like me) and required less imagination. Moreover, I’d become so accustomed to gazing out the left side of a forward moving train, I could only picture the world from right to left. Talk about a one-track mind! Navigating the real-deal rails usually involved changing trains at Pacific Street, a major transfer point in Brooklyn. At home, that meant exiting the bathroom and catching the BMT local (my grandmother’s
room) across the hall. It wasn’t as much fun as the express; locals rarely were. They moved too slowly and made too many stops...like my grandmother. My train of choice was still the bathroom. I figure, I spent more time playing in there than my mom spent riding the real express to work every day. What a bummer, having to stop my train whenever someone needed to use the toilet. (Sorta like a "BMT" without the "T," if you get my drift.)
" I could only picture the world from right to left. Talk about a one-track mind!" Clearly, this wasn’t an activity I could share with my friends, least of all another screwy kid like myself. First thing he’d want to do is alter the train’s route, or disembark while it was still moving. I couldn’t allow that! If anything spoiled the fun of riding the subway, it was having to actually TAKE it someplace I didn’t want to be. Once I was old enough to ride those filthy, overcrowded cattle cars to school every day (and later to work), my virtual transit system faded out of service. Ironically, my sprawling model train layout years later reflected the same bleak panorama I had traversed in my mind: all tracks, no scenery, no destination; mindless machines running in circles, blowing smoke and making noise. Said a lot about me. One day, I did something no quasi-sane model railroader would have thought to do: I called a strike. That’s right! I parked the trains on their designated sidings, cut the power and unplugged my transformer. And every day for the next week, I stood and watched those trains do NOTHING!
Q: How do Eskimos make their beds? A: With sheets of ice and blankets of snow. Q: Why don’t mountains get cold in the winter? A: They wear snowcaps. Q: What did the snowman say to the customer? A: Have an ice day! Q: What do you call a slow skier? A: A slopepoke! Q: Where does a polarbear keep its money? A: In a snow bank! Q: What do you call a snowman in the desert? A: A puddle! Q: How does an eskimo stick his house together? A: With igloo! Q: What is a snowman’s favorite breakfast? A: Frosted Flakes!
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October 2013
Dear Mr. NSA BY ROSIE SORENSON Dear Mr. NSA, I want to thank you for eavesdropping on me. No, really. I’ve long said that what we all need is a “Good Listening To!” And, there you are! Hour after tedious hour tuning into my conversations. For just a few billion dollars, I now know that someone cares enough to listen, really listen to me. And, I can assure you, that is not an easy commodity to come by, especially from men. But, then, you already know that, don’t you, Mr. Big-Ears, from hearing all those endless chats with my girlfriends. Ooh--I felt a frisson of love ripple through me just then. Or maybe it was something I ate . . . Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. In gratitude for all your attention and effort, I’d like to “give something back,” as we Americans are so fond of saying. I want to save you time and aggravation by explaining a few things to you. First, when you overhear me saying to a friend, “I’ve got to take my cat to the vet,” I mean just that: “I have got to take my cat to the vet.” This is not some code phrase for “Please send another suitcase for dirty bomb. Samsonite unacceptable.” Cat. Vet. Got it? And, if I should ever happen to utter late at night a disparaging comment such as “Death to Corporatists,” well, that’s just a figure of speech and not an expression of intent. Why, I don’t even know how to load my second-amendmentprotected handgun. I do know how important it is to conserve the energies of the Secret Service, so please--it’s not necessary to send them to my home. The paperwork
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alone would distract them for weeks. And, another thing--if you should happen to hear my pal, Dr. Bobby and me talk about whips and chains, please take a moment, breathe deeply. You’ll soon discover that what we’re talking about is The Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco (known for its Anything-Goes Celebration of Sexuality), notGuantanamo. Last, but not least, if you ever overhear me teasing my friend, Carolyn, about her pot farm, what I really mean to say is . . .well, OK, I really do mean her pot farm, but since when has a terrorist ever succeeded while under the influence, eh?
“Ooh – I felt a frisson of love ripple through me just then.” By now, My Dear NSA Friend, you must know that listening is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Let me repeat that--slowly and with feeling this time: “Listening is the ultimate aphrodisiac.” If I may be so bold as to suggest that if you’re ever in my neighborhood (and you DO know where I live, don’t you, Big Fella), please give me a holler, OK? I might even get Carolyn to bake you some brownies. Yours in gratitude, Rosie Sorenson is a recovering psychotherapist and an award-wining writer whose work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and other publications. They Had Me at Meow is a collection of stories and color photos of Rosie’s f ifteen-year relationship with a colony of homeless cats who have helped her recover from a long bout with chronic fatigue. Meow won the 2009 Muse Medallion Award from the Cat Writers Association and the 2010 Best Pets Book award from BAIPA. For more information and to order her book, please visit her website: www.TheyHadMeAtMeow.com.
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October 2013
Taming Larry Wilde BY SUSAN HART
Larry Wilde is funny. The kind of funny that starts in your belly and comes out as a guffaw; the kind of funny that makes you slap your forehead, shake your head and mumble at a punchline that comes barreling at you like a speeding train that you’re powerless to get out of the way of.
An exclusive interview with a comedy great
Two of his books, Great Comedians Talk About Comedy and How the Great Comedy Writers Create Laughter, provide a conversational glimpse into some of the best comic geniuses of the 20th century - Milton Berle, Woody Allen, Jack Benny, George Burns, Johnny Carson, Jimmy Durante, Bob Hope, Jerry Lewis, Jerry Seinfeld, Danny Thomas, Neil Simon, Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks -- are just a sampling. From stand-up comic to television personality to motivational speaker, Wilde’s brand of humor is imbued with the collective talent from the pantheon of modern comedians. He’s joined the Foolish Times family as a contributor to our own brand of humor. We sat down with him at his Carmel home -- with a sign on his door that said the House that Jokes Built -- for a laugh.
FT: Larry, who is your favorite comedian?
It’s clear that after more than 40 years of living and breathing comedy, he knows a thing or two about how to tickle someone’s funny bone. He’s written 53 books, poking fun at sports maniacs, cat and dog lovers, dumb parents and smart kids, doctors and lawyers and a barrel-full of monkeys more. Those who love to laugh love his books; he’s sold more than 12 million copies and was dubbed America’s Best-Selling Humorist by the New York Times. The Larry Wilde joke books are recognized as the largest selling humor series in the history of publishing.
LW: Jack Benny. He wasn’t arrogant or pompous. Comedy came out of his character. There was nothing mean-spirited about his humor. It was very self-effacing. He was the butt of the joke, not you. While Jack was appearing at the
Desert Inn in Las Vegas, I went backstage after a performance and Jack said, “Larry, I wish you had been here last night. The first show audience didn’t laugh for 10 minutes.
asked Wynn the definition of comedian and he said, “A comedian is not a man who opens a funny door. He opens a door funny.” FT: Let’s talk about public speaking. For many years now, you’ve been doing just that. LW: I’ve been a member of the National Speakers Association for more than 20 years. And one of the things I learned is that the number one fear for most people is public speaking.
What did you do? Jack replied in his typical dry fashion, “I stopped talking and just stood looking at the audience for five minutes and they finally laughed!”
As a coach speaker I try thing Milton When you’re
and motivational and impart someBerle taught me. introduced, by the
I got the interview with Jack for the book thanks to George Jessel. When I called Jack to set it up, he said, “How’s next Tuesday?” I was living in New York at the time and had to borrow the money from mom to get to Los Angels, but it was well worth it and one of the best interviews I did. FT: Did Jack have a favorite comedian? LW: Ed Wynn was Jack’s idol. My interview with Ed was at the Plaza Hotel in New York. Wynn said, Larry, “Come for breakfast.” So I lugged my 300 pound reel-to-reel tape recorder to the interview. In my book, Great Comedians, I
time you get to center stage the audience has already formed its opinion of you. So come out smiling, engage the audience and make them laugh. www.foolishtimes.net
October 2013 Use humor to help make your point. Play off the audience, be enthusiastic, appreciate the fact that they’re there. Times may change, but people don’t. Laughter still helps alleviate stress. FT: Ha! You even helped establish a month to make people aware of this.
LW: Yes, April is National Humor Month which I founded more than 35 years ago to highlight and celebrate the importance of humor in our lives. It’s now celebrated in all English speaking countries around the world.
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FT: And here in our community there’s ... LW: Yes, I’m the Executive Director of the Carmel Institute of Humor. Another way to get people thinking about laughter in their lives! FT: As an expert on funny, what words of wisdom would you give up-and-coming comedians? LW: You know, comedians in my era started because they were either poor, members of a minority group or didn’t get enough love as a child. Their humor came out of those experiences. Most of them didn’t necessarily have a good sense of humor, but they wanted to make people laugh! And many of the jokes they told are still making people laugh today. I would say to them, write and tell funny things that make people laugh for a lifetime.
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The following is an excerpt from Larry’s book, When You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Alligators, a primer to help us understand the impact a healthy sense of humor can have on our lives. Here’s the first installment, meant to nurture our sense of fun, restore our spirits and offer tools to live a life filled with joy and laughter, from our resident humorist. Humor is a Passport That Will Take You Anywhere You Want to Go White House insiders acknowledge that while Lyndon Johnson was president he had a slogan in the oval office that read: When you’re up to your ass in alligators it’s difficult to remind yourself that your initial objective was to drain the swamp. Times have changed. The swamp is much deeper now. Most of us are up to our eyeballs. So before we get in over our heads we need to stop, take a breather and put it all in perspective. How do we do that? People who are most successful at this exhilarating game we call life have discovered an invaluable secret: They take their work seriously but not themselves. In doing so, part of their success lies in their ability to achieve balance. They seem to have incorporated in their makeup an ingredient that has a positive effect on the people around them: an infectious sense of humor. When one develops a joyful attitude, a way of looking at life light-heartedly, anything is possible. Alligators offers an absolutely, positively painless prescription for dealing with everyday difficulties. Between these covers you’ll see how some of the most preeminent people in history have added pleasure, productivity, even years to life just by developing an appreciation for one of our greatest natural resources – the gift of laughter. Is it possible that laughing out loud could be more benefical to our overall health than anyone ever imagined? Why is it essential for humans to nurture a sense of fun and play all through their lives? Is there a demonstrable connection between humor and well-being? These are questions I began considering more than 30 years ago. Thanks to scientific research, proven theories and anecdotal evidence the answers have become more clear. With my five steps for nurturing our natural gift of good humor you are about to discover, as I have, the magical, mysterious, energizing, startling, incredibly awesome secrets about humor. - How humor can improve physical and mental health, increase longevity, and put more meaning into life. - Why humor is vital to achieve balance and perspective. - Why “lightening up” is essential to survive and thrive in difficult and changing times. - Why humor is an important strategy for stimulating a creative, exuberant work environment. And then, for a bonus amusing addition, to especially enhance and increase your humor understanding and appreciation: - How various forms of humor are used to evoke laughter, and how they are easily incorporated into their lives.
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October 2013
foolish sudoku's answers
from page 10
ACCOUNTANT
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foolish search's answers
from page 15
Guide to Local Businesses & Services Guide to Local Businesses & Services
CAMERA REPAIR
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PSYCHIC READING
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B.B.Q.
FOOLISH FUNNIES
HIDIN’ OUT A blonde and two brunettes escaped from prison. To get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three empty burlap sacks laying around, and they decided that's where they'd hide. When the cops came to the farm house, they searched high and low until there was nothing left but the burlap sacks. The officers thought the bags looked pretty lumpy, so they decided to kick them to make sure the girls weren't hiding there. The first officer goes and kicks the one with the brunette in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer
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said, "Oh, it’s just a stupid cat in there." The second officer kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" The third officer kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATO!", then the officer notes, "Oh, it's just a stupid blonde... Wait a minute!" SALT IN THE WOUND As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says
"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the
October 2013
21
truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter, and I'm driving the damn SALT TRUCK!"
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October 2013
FOOLIN' AROUND TOWN
Every Friday & Saturday in October
Planet Gemini
Monterey’s #1 comedy and Dance nightspot. The Lane brothers feature local & nationally known headlining comedians. www.planetgemini.com
October 25-27
October 4-31
Rocky Horror Show
at Paper Wing Lj Brewer couldn’t go more than a two year absence of not dressing up as Dr. Frank-N Furter complete with fishnet stockings! Audience participation is wanted and appreciated. www.paperwingtheaterco.com
Official Halloween party scene weekend
A fun time to celebrate and dress up as your alter ego Whatever you do and where ever you go, go safely for yourself and others. October 19
Salinas Valley Food & Wine October 4-20 A Midsummer Night's Dream at Pac Rep’s Outdoor Forest Theater Shakespeare's magical romantic comedy about confused lovers, warring fairies, and terrible actors... Weaving three stories of love, magic and perception in a moonlit forest on a midsummer night. Sounds like a normal evening in Monterey County! www.pacrep.org October 5-6
The 29th Rota Crystal and Psychic Fair
Fairgrounds - Monterey Room If you didn’t already know about the event, there is a good chance you’re not psychic. Lots of educational sessions and $20 reading. Please don’t ask for winning lottery numbers! www.rotapsychicfair.com
A celebration of world class wine, food, artists and entertainment in beautiful Oldtown Salinas www.salinasvalleyfood andwine.com
October 26
Zombie Bash at Cocoanut Grove - Santa Cruz
Break out your creepiest zombie gear and join the invasion for a night of undead rocking out Santa Cruz style! www.beachboardwalk.com
October 11-13
7th Annual Fort Mervine’s Civil War Encampment Presidio Museum Grounds Civil and war in the same sentence? Family friendly event with cannons that go boom! Living history displays and artifact exhibits www.acwa.org
October 31
October 26
Tom Rigney & Flambeau
Performing Arts Center-P.G. High energy violinist joins forces with San Francisco roots music musicians in a unique daytime show. www.performingarts centerpg.org
Exotic Neurotic Halloween Bash
Monterey finally has an adult Halloween party worth talking about… or secretly attending. www.fremontadultbooks.com
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October 2013
Remodels pairs) Decks (New & Re Fence Installation Exterior Paint Interior & Retaining Walls new project 10% off on any
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