November 2013
Travel by Air for the Holidays PG. 15
Foolin' Around Town PG. 22
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November 2013 The primary mission of the Big Sur Food & Wine Festival is to donate a large portion of event proceeds to support local nonprofits that benefit health, safety, education and the arts.
November 7-10
We’re Ready to Take your Order Proudly Offering Always Fresh, Taste the difference No Preservatives Vegetarian Diet No Antibiotics Gluten Free
To Order:
Phone 831.375.9581 Fax 831.375.1431 Or stop by and see Charlie! www.grovemarketpg.com
OR We will prepare your dinner for you! Already Hot or Heat and Serve
Turkey • Baked Ham • Stuffed Cornish Hens Mashed Potatoes • Gravy • Yams • Cranberry Sauce Green Bean Casserole • Cream Corn Casserole Save room for Gizdich Pie! 242 Forest Ave, Pacific Grove Open Monday- Saturday 8-7pm Sunday 9-6pm Family owned operated since 1969
Expires November 30, 2013
From our family to yours, “Thank You” - Charlie and the Grove Market Staff
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November 2013
What the (BLEEP) is Foolish Times?
Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pets, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the socalled “writers” and “artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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Bini, Ted Gargiulo, Rex Keyes, Quarlen Qurossman, Rosie Sorenson, Mary Tompsett, Monty Truitt, Derrick Wood, Larry Wilde, Chuck Scardina
The Chucklehead Speaks: A few weeks ago, I attended a women’s expo where Joan Rivers was a guest speaker. It was an interesting environment with 3000 women and 10 guys. Joan reminded us that we are the only species on earth with a sense of humor and we need to use it more in our everyday lives. She also chimed in with her usual profanity to make the crowd laugh. I wonder if she would be funny without talking like a sailor. Another great comedian who is near and dear to us at FT, Larry Wilde who never cursed in his stage act told me that what I think is funny, someone else may not. That is why there is an Ice-cream store that offers 32 flavors; something for everyone. I like ice cream. Most people do. I like to laugh. Most people do. I am grateful for all the readers and advertisers that support our special brand of funny. There are few publications in the country like FT and we are lucky to have each other.
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Editor's Note: Every month I get emails from readers with jokes they want to share ... they all make me laugh, some more than others. We try to use all of the funny stories, jokes and one-liners we get. There is so much funny stuff out in the world, we want to give our readers a little taste of everything. If yours doesn't show up, keep trying. We'll eventually get to it. This
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contributors, advertisers, distributors and, you, our readers. It makes us giggle to make you giggle! Safe travels this month if you're visiting family and friends for the holiday. Take along a Foolish Times ... it'll help you, and fellow travelers, keep a sense of humor! Happy Thanksgiving! SUSIE Q., Editorial Fool editor@foolishtimes.net
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November 2013
Salty Senior Silliness WORKIN’ IT I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. SENIOR TRUTHS The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs. Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it? I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty." Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches. Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.! THE BELLS WERE RINGING Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that tow people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
THE CATCH Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says, "Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely." Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison." "You're kidding! What for?" "For killing my third wife. I strangled her." "What happened to your second wife?" "I shot her." "And, if I may ask, your first wife?" "We had a fight and she fell off a building." "Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."
TIGHT SKIRT A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up. So she reached behind her, lowered her zip and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight. So again she reacher behind her, lowered her zip a little more and tried to negotiate the step. But still the skirt was too tight. Determined to catch this bus, she once more reached behind her, lowered the zip a little and attempted to climb aboard. Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt, helping her on to the bus. She turned around angrily and told the man behind her: "Sir, I don't know you' well enough for you to behave in such a manner." The man replied: "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"
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November 2013
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DONUTS
ITALIAN
PUBS
Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take out, both draft & bottles 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
La Dolce Vita “The Sweet Life” Charming date night or family gathering place Great wine list indoor & patio seating 5th Ave between San Carlos & Dolores Carmel 831.624.3667 www.ladolcevitacarmel.com
Crown & Anchor Home of Basal! A classic British owned & operated pub. Late night menu 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
CAFÉ
CHINESE
Del Monte Café Great breakfast & lunch Fresh handmade burgers to order 1642 Del Monte Ave, Seaside 831.394.7851 www.delmontecafeseaside.com
Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117
KoKo’s Café Greek gyros, freshly made baklava Homemade gelatos, coffee bar 419 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.375.3777 www.kokosmonterey.com
Full Moon A local favorite, lunch specials Warm hospitality and perfect portions Mandarin cuisine at its best 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288
Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St & 601 Wave St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com
Noodle Bar Inexpensive, not cheap! New Vietnamese Boba drinks 1944 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.392.0210 215 Reservation Rd, Marina 831.384.6225 www.noodlebarfood.com
Trailside Café A local favorite. Fish tacos, salads, benedicts Beer, local wine list, full coffee bar Ocean view, heated patio 550 Wave St, Monterey 831-649.8600 www.trailsidecafe.com
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ADVERTISE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.233.3122
Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
MEXICAN Mando’s Casual family dining Flamenco dancers every third Friday 162 Fountain St, PG 831.656.9235 Lopez Cantina Award winning family recipes Authentic, fresh and delicious Can you say tequila! 635 Cass St, Monterey 831.324.4260 www.lopezrestaurantmonterey.com
WINE Monterey Country is home to award winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers
Duffy’s Tavern The friendliest military watering hole in town Best burgers and coldest beer around All you can eat Spaghetti every Monday 282 High St, Monterey 831.644.9811
THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Local’s rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd. Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com D’Anna Thai Kitchen Say “hi” to Chef D’Anna as you walk by the open kitchen Cute converted cottage. Formerly My Thai 210 Reindollar Ave Marina 831.883.9399 www.dannathaikitchen.com Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes - Not your father’s traditional Thai food although worth the trip to Oldtown 328 Main St Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
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November 2013
Taming Larry Wilde FU NNY S TOR IE S ARE E V E RY WHE R E I t ’s a lot of fun eavesdropping on men and women, telling humorous tales. I t might be an amusing incident that happened during the day, a mir thful anecdote or maybe the latest joke. It doesn’t make any difference. The major objective is to keep a sharp ear out for the humor around us. Always on the aler t for a good yarn, I overheard this gem while waiting for a plane connection in the Atlanta Airpor t United Red Carpet Lounge. Tow computer software salesmen were also whiling away the time, and one of them gleefully told this stor y : Dolan decides to take up sky diving. On his first attempt, he jumps out of the plane, drops 3,000 feet, pulls the ripcord, and the chute doesn’t open. He falls another 3,000 feet, yanks on the ripcord, and the chute still doesn' t ’ open. The poor guy is plummeting to the ground, faster and faster. He looks down, and there’s a black dot coming up towards him. I t turns out to be another guy. And as he goes by, Dolan grabs him and yells, “Hey! Do you k now anything about parachutes?” The guy says, “No! do you k now anything about butane stoves?” P EO PL E A R E F U NNY Listen to others and notice their behavior. Obser ving and tuning in to fellow humans is a simple way to sharpen our wits.
Eavesdropping in public places is a source of endless enter tainment. Human beings often spill their souls in the most public places without realizing that their words and actions may be detected. Wherever we travel, my wife and I enjoy being the proverbial flies on the wall. I t ’s fascinating what one can learn. We are privy to intimate secrets the perpetrators will never k now we k now. We’ve noticed the most amusing, amazing sights in hotel lobbies around the world and overheard enough scintillating conversation to keep us in comic fodder for 10 lifetimes. As writers and inveterate students of human behavior, people -watching is our favorite pastime and an infinite source of material. While heading to a gate at John F. Kennedy Airpor t, a couple loaded down with luggage were scurr ying alongside me. This is what I overheard: “I’m so excited,” puffed the woman, “ We’re finally going to Florida on vacation.” “ Yeah,” said the man. “I just wish the piano was here.” “ Why do you want the piano?” “ That ’s where I left the plane tickets.” People are funny. The provide unlimited enter tainment for the tuned-in obser ver. Provided by our resident humorist, from his book, “ When You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Alligators”
A customer threw a box of chicken wings at the clerk at a store and then left. A female reported a suspicious man, who parked next to her at the Mall, called her a pig. A subject whose vehicle struck a tree was charged with DWI after he fled the scene and was found hiding in an outside crawl space at the rear of his residence. A victim of vandalism address said her vehicle was spray painted blue during the night. A resident, who was vacuuming a vehicle in his garage, became agitated when a police officer arrived to investigate a noise complaint. The individual demanded to know which neighbor made the complaint and said, "I'll show them noise." He also told the officer to get out of his garage. The man was then handcuffed and placed in the rear of the patrol car. He was issued an appearance ticket for violating the town noise ordinance. A resident reported someone kept pounding on the door; it was only a neighbor trying to get keys. A caller reported a neighbor may be smoking something illegal because it was a different smell than cigarettes and was giving her a headache. It was burnt food. A suspicious white female was lying in a snow bank. A woman was arrested for DWI. The suspect was found to be intoxicated after patrol responded to her vehicle being disabled in a snow bank. Police arrested a man for aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle after pulling him over for driving with a broken windshield. A 12-year-old girl's tongue was frozen to a pole.
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November 2013
Quirky Quotations THE QUOTATION QUIZ OF QUESTIONABLE QUALITY BY QUARLEN QUROSSMAN
Can you guess who said the following? 1. "I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia." A. William Shakespeare B. Woody Allen 2. "Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake." A. W. C. Fields B. Jimmy Carter 3. "The most useful of all social graces is the ability to yawn with your mouth closed." A. Louis Pasteur B. Laurence J. Peter 4. "A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." A. Plato B. Bob Hope 5. "A civil servant is sometimes like a broken cannon - it won't work and you can't fire it." A. George S. Patton B. Don Quixote 6. "If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?" A. Leonardo da Vinci B. Scott Adams 7. "I have a very strict gun control policy: if there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it." A. Clint Eastwood B. Abraham Lincoln 8. "Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence." A. Aristotle B. Erma Bombeck Answers (all true): 1:B, 2:A, 3:B, 4:B, 5:A, 6:B, 7:A, 8:B Scoring: (number correct) 7-8: Corrupt, 5-6: Itchy, 3-4: Mensa Member, 1-2: Obese, 0: Beatnik Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey County Herald and at quotationquotient.com.
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November 2013
A virtual smorgasbord of jokes and otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times @ editor@foolishtimes.net SWEEPING AROUND Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride-broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom-broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom- broom, “I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!” “Impossible!” said the groom broom. We haven’t even swept together.” Thank you Lisa Chadwick DON’T BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR A woman found a bottle on a beach. When she opened the stopper, out flew a genie. “I am the Genie of Lawyers,” he said. “I will grant you three wishes, but know that lawyers everywhere will have your wish, only doubled.” “Okay, for my first wish, I want $10 million,” she said. “Done, and every lawyer just got 20,” said the genie. “And I’ve always wanted a home in the south of France,” she said. “You have one, and they all have two,” said the genie. “And finally, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant.” Thanks Rex Keyes
TRAIN WRECK A case was brought to court by a bus driver who declared his vehicle was struck late at night by a train that failed to give proper warning. The engineer protested that he was waving his lantern at the bus miles before the impact, and the railroad was exonerated. The lawyer for the engineer congratulated him on his convincing testimony. “Thanks, but I sure was worried there for a while,” said the engineer. “I was positive someone was going to ask me if the lantern was lit.” Thanks Rex Keyes THE PRICE OF GAS VERSUS PRINTER INK Think a gallon of gas is expensive? This puts things in perspective. Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 $10.32 per gallon Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 - $9.52 per gallon Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 - $10.17 per gallon Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 $10.00 per gallon Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 $33.60 per gallon Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 - $178.13 per gallon Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 - $123.20 per gallon Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 - $25.42 per gallon Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 - $84.48 per gallon And this is the REAL KICKER... Evian water 9 oz $1.49..$21.19 per gallon! (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.) Ever wonder why printers are so cheap? So they have you hooked for the ink.
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Someone calculated the cost of the ink at (you won't believe it, but it is true - $5,200 a gal. So, the next time you're at the pump,be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or heaven forbid, printer ink! Many thanks George Thorpe NEED FOR SPEED A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain" "Just be quiet," snapped the
officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say" "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief 's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
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November 2013
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BY BINI Sudden storms, droughts, floods, earthquakes...Comments Welcome: foolsholiday@live.com
Aries: March 21 - April 19 A bindle stiff with the Blues can make for a long and poignant hour at the pew; remember your accomplishments reside within you. You want more than a bowl of Campbell’s and a half-eaten turkey leg. What does your gut tell you? There is room to take one more step...and a view. Taurus: April 20 - May 20 You wrathful rascal! Your core temperature is rising and putting a damper on things. You may end up in a hamper and no one will find you for days. Schedule a turkey rub so you can try to channel “Sitting Bull.” Ask if he will be your tour guide along on your pampering travels. Throw yourself a mineral salt lick, you may find that nurturing starts with how not to be a dick. Gemini: May 21 - June 20 It is a Turkey shoot for you and yet you dread the Monotony. You would rather hang from a thread while baking pumpkin bread! Your head now is like “Chief Touch the Clouds.” Float back down and center yourself! Or you may end up being the stuffing and not the main course. Cancer: June 21 - July 22 “Pass the Lemon Meringue pie...or why...bother living!” You are an ardent consumer of enticing goods. You attract wealth as easily as licking your lips. As Chief Cornplanter once said: “To know your Internal Kernel, is the biggest hurdle, to adopting a roomy girdle.” Leo: July 23 - August 22 Everything on Earth is the manifestation of the sun. Your sunny disposition is hard to resist, hard to as-
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sist, and can’t be missed! Especially when you can triple the drippings in one foul swoop. The proof is indeed in the pudding! Virgo: August 23 - September 22 “Thanks, Thanks, Thanks all for coming to my Hypochondriac party!” Do you hear yourself? Is this something to celebrate? Did you burn your humble pie? Insist on popping that cyst with a musket so you can see the gist of this gobbling display of neediness. Your guests are genuinely concerned and now they all look like a misty watered colored memory. Libra: September 23 - October 22 While autumn leaves twirl down into filigree and the Scarecrow jerks his knee, you are artist, fancy-free, and yet your quintessence remains dilettante-ee. You enjoy the reward but avoid the effort needed to attain it. Initiate but don’t forget to brine, baste (not boast) and then bake!
Capricorn: Dec. 22 - January 19 It is a cornucopia of interior walls for you: a brick wall, a redwood wall, a fierce wall, a wall-pie-wall, a wayward wall, drywall, all together still WALLS of RESERVE! What could vilify such structures... the will of Chief Pontiac? Seek and you shall find the marrow in your narrow ways. Aquarius: Jan. 23 - February 18 Best Kept Secret is how shy and insecure you are! This sums up why your aloofness acts as a shield for preserving your space bubble as wide as the great divide. Nevertheless, you are the gravy of the Navy. You are a
trooper who wants ALL the beauty that life has to offer! Pass the yams you clam and we can discuss all the muss. Pisces: February 19 - March 20 “Fishhook” the star of the universal subconscious, you are... charged with the celestial essence that surrounds you and are much tougher and keener than any amateur would know. Do not allow debris to creep into your mind. Begin this new riskyventure by whaling Geronimo! You are everyone’s wishbone and already split in two.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21 You autumn do the dance! Reluctant to trust your heart to anyone? Oh please! What a shame to blame it on the leftovers. The past can be a draft and interrupt the aft on a new ship to worship! Shut the icebox behind you because the meat of the story is you, now, eat! Sagittarius: November 22 - Dec. 21 Whoa Horsey! You promise the moon and don’t deliver. Thank yourself for being consistent. Consistency a is rare disease these days. Feast upon your blessing of possessing an insouciant elegance. Eat and be merry on the go-round of life...such decadence.
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November 2013
FUNNY BONES
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 exactly once.
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said. Submitted by a Medical Assistant She wishes to remain anonymous because she doesn’t want her doctors to know she’s funnier than they are.
Answers on Page 20
JOKES SUBMITTED BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
Sunsets, Puppies, and a Good Beheading BY MARY TOMPSETT
Inspiration for this article came from one of my library books— entitled Chicken Soup for the Executioner’s Soul. Something like that. Anyway, it was a history of life as a city-employed executioner in 16th century Europe. Yep, another feel-good read, a bit of “chic lit” fluff but without tedious descriptions of oiled pecs and mammary balloon animals. So here’s my take on snagging the job of your dreams back when wearing black leather really meant something. WANTED: City of Bamburg, Germany seeks Executioner with a “can do” attitude. Must be skilled in all standard methods of interrogation and torture. This is a “hands on” position for a go-getter who thrives on multi-dimensional challenges, such as hanging,
drowning, beheading, and death by the wheel. (Note: If you have to ask about the wheel, don’t bother to apply.) The successful candidate will: • Elicit confessions through “enhanced interrogation” while displaying pious concern for the soul of the “poor sinner.” • Treat lacerations, burns, and other wounds from interrogation to ensure healing before the execution date. Odd, but that’s our policy. • Cheerfully perform a gruesome public death for the entertainment of unruly and drunken crowds, while careful to avoid stoning if the execution goes badly. Desirable qualities are a low BEP (botched execution percentage) and decent sneakers to outrun an angry mob. • Emotionally shake off the stigma, general loathing, and exclusion from the holiday gift exchange. Barring injury or death by stoning, this is a lifetime position offering an excellent wage and free housing.
The selected candidate may choose to live next to the slaughterhouse, pig market, or prison. RESPONSES: Competition is stiff among the herd of psychopaths and a few recent graduates of Helmut’s Culinary and Death Institute. But two applicants are worth noting.
"If I don’t 'make the cut' for the executioner position, I hope you’ll consider me for work as a prison guard." Fritz C. writes: Guten tag! My personal mission statement is: “Axe and you shall receive!” I know the judicial system because for two years I’ve been the prison hair stylist. I’ve implemented fabulous lastminute makeovers, including the popular “Meet Your Maker” haircut and eyebrow shaping. I love helping people look great, and my skill set would add a little pizzazz to the
executioner’s glum, heartless image. Hans K. says: I was a lifeguard at the village pool until it closed during the last plague. I so love the water, ya ya, and I now work for a temp agency doing executions by drowning. I wear my old swim trunks with GUARD stitched on the side, so people relax and think they’re safe. I tell them it’s just a joke, but they don’t laugh. Such rudeness! This hurts my feelings so I think of sunsets and puppies. Hoisting an executioner’s heavy sword will be difficult because I only have one arm. Actually, this also made lifeguarding a bit tricky. If I don’t “make the cut” for the executioner position, I hope you’ll consider me for work as a prison guard. As mentioned above, I already have trunks. © 2013 by Mary Tompsett Mary Tompsett is a humorist who tries to avoid living in a “gated community” because institutional straitjackets are notoriously unflattering. Her novel, Whinny From the Heart, is available through www. booklocker.com
November 2013
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Call or Click: www.anthonypietragallo.com 831.402.0910 • Full Service Repairs • • Brake Specialists • • Minor Part Fabrication •
Call Today 43 831-373-62ai d ) (m
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2221 N. Fremont St., Monterey, CA
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No appointment necessary State of the art diagnostics
1648 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside
831.899.2606
Downtown Monterey
Q: Why does a room full of married people look so empty?
A: There's not a single person in it!
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We’re Green!
Downtown Old Monterey Farmers Market Every Tuesday Rain or Shine Winter Hours 4-7pm See ya there!
We Pay Top Dollar for Gold & Diamonds Large Selection of Estate Jewelry & Watches Jewelry & Watch Repair 18k Gold Rolex
831-372-5186 *Regularly $7.00 Doz. / Offer expires 11.30.13
188 Webster St. Monterey Mon-Fri: 10-5 Saturday: 10-4
Emerald & Diamond Ring
November 2013
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We Bring Mediterranean to Monterey Cuisine from and for the heart
LUNCH & DINNER Open Daily 11am - late Family Friendly Kids Menu Serving our complete menu Thanksgiving Day along with traditional Thanksgiving Buffet Catering for your special occasion
470 Alvarado Street, Monterey
Ham • Turkey • Roast Beef Veggies • Salads • Desserts Unlimited Soft Drinks Adults $19.95 Children (under 12) $9.95
THE
Your Premiere Jeweler on The Monterey Peninsula
447 Alvarado St. Monterey
831.375.5332
www.gaspersjewelers.com
CROWN AND ANCHOR
Christmas
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Adobes
BRITISH PUB AND RESTAURANT
VOTED MONTEREY’S MOST AUTHENTIC BRITISH PUB The Crown and Anchor is a must for tourists and locals alike when visiting Historic Old Monterey. Pop in and soak in the ambiance of a true British Pub and Restaurant. Lunch & Dinner Served All Day • Full Menu Served Until Midnight Children’s Menu • Heated Full-Service Patio • Full Bar Including Single-Malt Scotches & Classic Irish Whiskeys Happy Hour 4-6pm Monday-Friday • British Owned and Operated
in the 2013
Refreshments Entertainment & Decorations in Historic Adobes! Buy Tickets at Cooper Museum Store 525 Polk St. at Munras & Alvarado Show military I.D. at store for $5 off Adult single-night ticket Adult $25 or 2-night pass $40 Youth (6-17) $2 Child 5 & under free Buy Tickets Online
MontereyStateHistoricParkAssociation.org
150 W. Franklin Street • Monterey • (Opposite The Marriott Hotel) 831-649-6496 • www.CrownandAnchor.net • Open 11am-2am Every Day www.foolishtimes .net
December 6th & 7th 5-9pm 831.649.7120
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November 2013
Community Flea & Certified Farmers Market EVERY MONDAY FREE ADMissiON • Fresh Produce • • Food Booths • • New & Used Merchandise • AttENtiON VENDORs:
Free booth space for Local Certified Farmers
$10 per vendor. No reservations required. Buy booth same day!
At the Monterey Fairgrounds Open 9-6pm •Gate 8 Rain or Shine
MISCOMMUNICATION When my back problem acted up, I called my doctor's office, explaining that I was a minister and was in too much pain to deliver my sermon on Sunday. The receptionist on the phone announced loudly, "I have a minister on the phone who can't stand to preach."
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November 2013
Have a Nice Flight
Ode to Aviation A Month of Celebration BY REX KEYES
The busiest times of the year for the airlines are the Thanksgiving to the New Year holidays when the airpor ts are packed with travelers. I t is pure pandemonium. If you have prescription valium, this is where it may come in handy.
Answers on Page 20
“Flight attendants should be stationed down the aisles with electric cattle prods...”
KITES GLIDERS SUPERSONIC SPACE FLIGHT CHINESE BALLOON
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AERODYNAMIC COCKPIT PILOT PLANE ENGINE PROPELLER JET
RUNWAY SPEED DAVINCI NEWTON EARHART TOWER
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If you are traveling by air during these times, tr y to get your tickets with confirmed seats prior to arriving at the airpor t. If you have to go to the airline ticket counter for any reason, make sure you are in line at least one -and-ahalf hours before depar ture. Remember you’re only going to be visiting a few days, so tr y to confine your luggage to only one carr y- on bag and no checked bags. Carr y-on bags are right there in the cabin with you and there is no chance of them being accidentally sent to Tahiti or Bora Bora. If your bag has a zipper for an expansion chamber do not use it, because it probably will be too big to fit under the seat. Then, if you open it to remove some of the contents so it does fit, ever yone will get to see your packed under wear and whatever other personal items you carr y. What passengers dislike most during boarding is that one individual in the airplane
aisle tr ying to get his or her bag in the overhead compar tment and holding up ever yone else. Flight attendants should be stationed down the aisles with electric cattle prods to “encourage” anyone who takes over 15 seconds to put their bag away. But ... I think that might be illegal. Usually the only reason people bring checked bags this time of year is that they have too many presents that won’t fit in their carr y- on bag. There is such a thing as gift cards available from just about ever y store on the planet. But oh no, grandma has to bring a present that little Eddie will smile when he opens it and says, “ Thanks grandma” and as soon as she leaves, he’ll ask mom if he could return it to the nearest store and get what he really wants. So if you ignored my warning and checked a bag anyway, and by some miracle your bag did make it to your destination on time and it will be on the carousel in baggage claim. Your bag is now mixed in with hundreds of others, all black, all look ing the same. I t might take quite a while to find it unless you used something to make it stand out like a band of red duct tape around it. Also, always use tie wraps to attach two identifying tags to the handle. Why tie wraps and two ID tags you ask? All I can say is remember those Samsonite ads with the gorillas handling baggage? I t ’s true! ‘ Til next time, have a nice flight.
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November 2013
Dead Composers Society BY TED GARGIULO
Ever since the vault containing his lost manuscripts was unearthed in Dunkirk, New York back in 1966, the name of Hugo von Zitti has been slowly worming its way back into the public consciousness. Precious little is known of the man, whom critics have hailed as the greatest musical motivator since morphine. His confused parentage and national origin(s) have been the topic of fierce debates among scholars. Only last month, a von Zitti symposium in Cincinnati erupted into a brawl, leaving one musicologist dead and three others homeless. The composer emigrated to the US (probably illegally) around 1900. He dabbled in a variety of vocations: janitor, mail clerk, pan handler and gigolo, before settling in Hollywood, where he played the piano in bars and sleazy strip joints. Exactly where von Zitti received his musical training, or whether he received any at all, is unclear. Staunch champions of the composer insist he was selftaught; detractors claim he bribed, slept and plagiarized his way to the top of his profession. Thus far, both theories have proven valid. Shunned by the mainstream composers of his day, Zitti carved his own enigmatic tattoo on the butt of music culture. His breakout composition, the infamous "Schizoid in F Minus," electrified and baffled audiences, as did the fiendishly complex "Collusion for Two Pianos" which followed. The Town Hall premiere of his "Tedium for Piccolo and Drum" incited a riot, catapulting him to notoriety as one of the most radical musical neurotics of his generation. Happily, the fallout from that debacle captured the attention of eccentric ex-diva and millionairess, Giuseppina Tatá, who provided Zitti with a generous allowance, along with a sound-proof rubber room
overlooking the ocean, where he could compose undisturbed. Here, the master, newly inspired, penned the celebrated "Hokey Pokey Variations, Op. 9," that won the hearts of simple, undiscriminating listeners everywhere. In 1930, Zitti founded the Nouveau Eclectique and the Let's Write an Opera Society, where he enjoyed the fellowship and stimulation of other untalented wannabes like himself. It was during this feverishly fertile period that his "St. Vito's Lethargy" and "Missa Buffa" were hatched. These first major works of Zitti's maturity revealed an intensely religious sentiment, deriving as much in style and substance from Tolé’s "Moratorium," as from the sacred robe dramas of Giacco Gnocchi. In 1940, the composer scored his first critical success with the production of his Italo- Chinese opera, "Hoo-Chee from Gucci." Trust me, it didn’t last.
Change of Season… We Can Help You Be Safe on the Road
QUOTE
" Precious little is known of the man, whom critics have hailed as the greatest musical motivator since morphine!"
OF THE MONTH
Zitti was on the verge of discovering his true voice (whatever that was), when his life was cut tragically short. On November 2, 1945, five days before the world premiere of his demented masterspiel, "Don Schifoso," he was run over by a sanitation truck on Wiltshire Boulevard. He died in the ICU a week later, in a horizontal position. The opera was immediately pulled from the repertory, and didn’t surface until last season, when renowned music director, Uno Bé, rescued the justly neglected score from oblivion and staged a revival. Bad idea!
BY BINI "Bag O’ Wind blow by blow you sustain this Shutdown tow? Nah, because the importance of being foolish is far too valuable for such superfluousness." www.foolishtimes.net
November 2013
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Is That a Zucchini in Your Pocket or Are You Just Glad to See Me? BY ROSIE SORENSON It’s not that I carry a grudge against vegetables, it’s just that the few times I tried veganism (more to save a pig or cow than anything else), I felt hungry all the time. Maybe I didn’t do it right. Here’s the thing: I’m not a “foodie.” I don’t live to eat, I eat to live. I’m not highly motivated in the kitchen. But if I had someone like Mollie Katzen, author of the 1975 best-selling Moosewood Cookbook, to cater my meals, I’d tackle them with the all the gusto of a grizzly bear. Better yet, if scientists developed a once-a-day pill you could eat instead of food, I’d be all over that like white on rice. Beige on butter beans. Green on tea. This morning, I listened to a radio interview with Mollie about her latest cookbook: The Heart of the Plate: Vegetarian Recipes for a New Generation. Hearing her speak about vegetarianism transported me back to December, 1978, when I moved from Toledo, Ohio to Big Sur, California for Esalen Institute’s Work Study program. My Work Scholar assignment during the first month was Lodgekeeper, which included the preparation each evening of a salad for the staff, the Work Scholars, and the “seminarians,” those seekers who came for the seminars, the hot baths and (in their dreams), lots of sex! Since the Head Honcho of the kitchen believed that using a Cuisinart would be spiritually cruel to the vegetables, and since Esalen had no difficulty attracting willing hands to do its sacred manual labor, I got to chop, dice, slice and shred for 150 people every night. I paid Esalen $325.00 per month for the privilege of standing on my feet for thirty-two hours per week in the
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hot crowded kitchen where I washed and prepared mounds of organic veggies picked that day from Esalen’s fruitful garden. At lunch and dinner, I took my position behind the serving line, offering up to the hungry seekers a choice of entrees, either a vegetarian delight or a controversial somethingwith-a-face. “Lasagna or pork chop?” I asked Jackie, a long-term member of Esalen’s famed massage crew, who had the scrawny look of a committed vegetarian. “Lasagna,” she said, narrowing her eyes in contempt as if I had personally gone out and killed the pig.
“'Pleases' and 'thankyous' all around for chipped beef in a glue-like white sauce served over toast.” “Okay, fine,” I said and scooped up what I thought was a rather generous portion, slapped it onto a plate and handed it over to her, expecting a polite “thank-you.” I heard a snort as she skirted away. This was the first time I became aware that food, other than by its absence, could be a problem, an “issue.” Midwestern cuisine was, well, not really cuisine but hearty, heavy sometimes- gummy fare which we were damn glad to have. “Pleases” and “thank-yous” all around for chipped beef in a glue-like white sauce served over toast (which I later found out the Army dubbed “sh-t-on-a-shingle”), limp, pale iceberg lettuce and my mom’s twenty-four-hour salad of fruit cocktail and cottage cheese mixed up with Kraft’s Salad Dressing and a dollop of Hellman’s Mayonnaise, but just a little because it was expensive. Refrigerate that mess for twenty-four hours, and you were on your way to Lutheran Heaven.
And, we mustn’t forget “Lutefisk,” a Swedish Lutheran Christmas delicacy of codfish soaked in lye and served in an oozy white cream sauce. Made gefilte fish seem like a gourmet treat. In spite of an atmosphere of personal freedom and an abundance of tasty comestibles, however, what seemed to rule the day at Esalen was Food Fascism. The vegetarians looked at us carnivores in disgust. They, in turn, were divided into not-quite armed camps: The Dairy and the NonDairy, each regarding the other as poor relations in need of salvation. Pale and scrappy though they were, however, the vegetarians were always first across the finish line for seconds at the dessert table. You did not want to get in the way of their sharp pointy elbows. My year-long stay only hardened my commitment to Food Agnosticism. I now walk a fine line, eating turkey when it suits me, vegetables when I can summon up the courage to prepare them, fruit for dessert. I do believe that veganism could cure many ills of our planet, but Molly hasn’t yet answered my pleas to come and cook for me. Until she does, I’m afraid thousands of vegetables will lie fallow and forlorn in the fields -- little lepers begging to be my friends. So many vegetables, so little time. Rosie Sorenson’s new book, Humor Me! Short Amusing Takes on George Clooney, Fruit Fly Sex, the NSA, Halle Berry, Compassionate Rats, and Other Wacky Topics, is now available as an e- book on Amazon.com. Rosie is an award-winning writer whose work has been published in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, the PittsburghTribune Review and other publications. In 2007, Rosie won Honorable Mention in the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition. She is a frequent contributor to the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop website.
Q: Why did pilgrims' pants always fall down? A: Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat! Q: How did they send the turkey through the mail? A: Bird class! Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight? A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him! Q: Who isn't hungry on Thanksgiving? A: The turkey, because he's already stuffed! Q: Who was the drummer in the Thanksgiving band? A: The turkey, because he had the drumsticks! Q: What type of key is not good for opening doors? A: A Tur-key! Q: What kind of car did the Pilgrim drive? A: A Plymouth Q: Why should you never set the turkey next to the desert? A: Because he will gobble, gobble it up! Q: Why do students always do so poorly after Thanksgiving? A: Because everything gets marked down after the holidays!
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November 2013
The Bakersfield Clothes Dryer Lint Convention BY TOM BURNS “Rex. Wake up, Rex.” There is usually something comfor ting in hearing a dog snoring, but Rex was his third nap of the morning, and wasn’t moving. I think he faked this nap. “Rex, I k now you’re fak ing it. I k now you’re not asleep. I k now you’re listening to ever y word I’m saying. You just don’t want to get up and go with me to the Clothes Dr yer Lint Convention in Bakersfield.” A slight wag of his tail erupted. I had been right. He was fak ing it. Perhaps he had good reason to avoid going to the Clothes Dr yer Lint Convention: he remembered the last one we went to. We had been in a drive -through car wash in Bakersfield and the chain broke and we had to hike out in the
soapy, soapy downpour. The soap burned his eyes, he was misted with carnauba car wax, and he got caught between the white -wall cleaning brushes and rubbed most of his fur off. “ We won’t go to the car wash, Rex.” No response. “I’ll buy a big bag of those peanut butter-filled stubby pretzels . . .” A miniscule wag at the tip of his tail.
“The Dryer Lint Convention being cancelled is a big, big letdown.” “ You can lay up on the dash and nap and sun yourself all the way there . . .” An eye cracked open. I sensed a lowering of his resistance. I picked him and carried him to the pickup and lay him on the dash. He gave
me a quizzical, questioning look. “I’ll stop by Trader Joe’s and get you the pretzels.” A full wag reflected his concurrence. The ride to Bakersfield had been uneventful. Rex laid on the dash the whole way, other than pee breaks. He got his belly full of his cherished peanut butter pretzels. We pulled into the convention center and I read the dismaying sign: ‘Clothes Dr yer Lint Convention cancelled.’ Rex took the news well. “Hey, since we’re here, let ’s go to that Taxidermy Trophy Fish Museum. I hear there’s a thir ty pound perch there. Wall-mounted.” Rex masked his enthusiasm. “Or we could go to the . . . to the . . . or we could ah, ah . . . oh, heck , maybe we’ll just go back home. The Dr yer Lint Convention being cancelled is a big, big letdown. You still have half a bag of peanut
butter pretzels, so you should be happy.” The air in the truck cab roiled from the fierce wagging of his tail. The trip back home was uneventful. Rex decided napping on the dash had run its course, and lay curled up in the passenger seat. He had a whole bag of peanut butter pretzels in his gut. We pulled in the driveway, into the garage, and I gently woke him up. He yawned, stretched and gave his body a good shake. I picked him up and carried him back to his hammock on the back porch. Within thir ty seconds, a soft snore emanated from a small black dachshund. As I walked inside, I fleetingly contemplated buying stock in a peanut butter-filled pretzel company. Rex (and Tom) can be reached at burns100@earthlink.net
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November 2013
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. There are more chickens than people in the world. On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” are stuck on 4:20. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple. Dreamt is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt.” Almonds are a member of the peach family. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. A dragonfly has a life span of 1 to 6 months. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn’t wear pants. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. A snail can sleep for three years. No president of the United States was an only child. The average chocolate bar has eight insects’ legs in it. www.foolishtimes.net
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November 2013
foolish sudoku's answers
from page 10
ACCOUNTANT
AUTOMOTIVE SERVICES
foolish search's answers
from page 15
Guide to Local Businesses & Services Guide to Local Businesses & Services
CAMERA REPAIR
GOLD-SILVER BUYER
LAUNDRY SERVICE
PSYCHIC READING
Green’s Camera Camera repair, video transfer, duplication, media recovery, photo restoration media to DVD 831-655-1234 • Monterey 831-424-5247 • Salinas
Monterey Gold Buyer TOP CASH For Gold (Jewelry & Scrap). All Stering Silver (tableware & items). Cash on the Spot • WE PAY MORE! • Any Condition • Same Day Service 831-521-3897
Monte Vista Laundry Fluff & Fold, Free Pick-up & Delivery, Free Coffee & WiFi. 393-4349 • mvlaundry.com 23 Soledad Drive, Monterey
Sophia Spiritual Voice Psychic and Healer CALL NOW, DON’T WAIT! Tarot, psychic, palm, chakra, & energy balancing, specialzing in love, finance & health. BUY ONE READING, GET 2ND FREE! REVERSE MORTGAGE 831-372-2620 www.sophiaspiritualvoice.com
CARPET CARE CARPET CARE
Alternator & Starter Exchange
JEWELRY JEWELRY REPAIR Gasper’s The BenchJewelers Jeweler Jewelry repair, watch Jewelry and watch repair.batteries, We buy gold and design diamonds over 1 The ct! custom pieces. 831-372-5186 Monterey Peninsula’s Premire 188 Webster St., Monterey Jeweler Since 1989. 831-375-5332 447 Alvarado St., Monterey
Alternators, Starters, Generators, Auto, Truck, Farrm,SERVICES Marine, ForAUTOMOTIVE eign & Domestic Alternator & Starter Exchange 831-899-7689 Alternators, Starters, Genera352-B Orange Ave., Sand City tors, Auto, Truck, Farrm, Marine, Foreign & Domestic 831-899-7689 REPAIR 352-BCAMERA Orange Ave., Sand City
MUSIC INSURANCE SERVICES The Music Zone
Green’s Camera AUTO UPHOLSTERY
Camera repair, video transfer, Andy & Me Auto Upholstery duplication, media recovery, FURNITURE RESTORATION RESTORATION FURNITURE Tops,restoration Seat Covers andtoBoats photo media DVD Retrospect Serving the Bay Area since Retrospect 831-655-1234 • Monterey Furniture, custom refinFurniture,restoration, restoration, custom 1962. Convertible 831-424-5247 • Salinas top specialishing. QUALITY SERVICESERVICE refinishing. QUALITY ists. All work guaranteed. Free 40 years in experience. 40 years in experience. estimates. “Besides doing great 831-277-3453 831-277-3453 work...we’re nice people.” T831-899-3311 O ADVERTISE ON THE TOP NOTCH: JEWELRY REPAIR 475 Olympia Ave., Sand City
Email sales@foolishtimes.net Gasper’s Jewelers Jewelry repair, watch batteries, or call 831.233.3122 custom design pieces. The Monterey Peninsula’s Premire Jeweler Since 1989.
831-375-5332 447 Alvarado St., Monterey
New & Used CDs, DVDs, Records & More
831-883-8000 Health, life, travel, long-term care, disability, fixed annuiites (forScoop groups and individuals). Coyote
PETS
Pet waste removal service. MARK ANICETTI 831-521-1637 • SeScoop. habla”espanol “Pets Poop. We Lic 0C81295 We also work with dog issues 831-393-0362
PIANO SERVICE Ralph PIANO Terrana SERVICE Piano tuning at its best. Ralph Terrana 831-647-1243
Piano tuning at its best.
831-647-1243 PRE-PAID LEGAL SERVICES
LEGAL SHIELD
Serving North America’s Families Since 1972
Pre-Paid ServiceS, inc. and SubSidiarieS
Renee & Joseph Takayama Independent Associates - Managers
Identity Theft Shield &
Prepaid Legal Life Events Legal Plans Renee & Joseph Takayama Independent Associates - Managers
831-402-2829 831-915-6401 Identity Theft•Shield & www.prepaidlegal.com/go/rtravistakayama Prepaid Legal Life Events Legal Plans Email: rtravistakayama@prepaidlegal.com
831-402-2829 • 831-915-6401
Pacific Home Lending
Reverse Mortgage. Get experience REVERSE MORTGAGE
with Doug. Call today! Pacific Home Lending 831-648-8080x18 Reverse Mortgage. Get experi536 Pearl St.,Doug. Monterey ence with Call today! 831-648-8080x18 536 WANTED: Pearl St., Monterey VEHICLES
Private Individual STYLIST Wants to Buy: Hair by Cynthia
-Cars,SERVICE: Trucks, Vans, FULL FullRVs, Color, Motorcycles Highlights, Perms & Straighten, Cuts &call Up-do’s Please cell: 415-517-5977 831-245-5692 ASK FOR GRANT 1157 Forest Ave.,Area Ste to E, See PG Will Drive to Your Vehicles!
TO ADVERTISE YOUR SERVICES HERE WOOD FOR SALE CALL 831-648-1038 Pine: $185/cord Eucalyptus: $295/cord Oak: $395/cord Call: 831 869 8470
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FOOLISH FUNNIES
November 2013
B.B.Q.
RIDE ‘EM COWGIRL A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail
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grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when the store manager runs out to shut the horse off. A’PEELING Two blondes are passing by a fruit shop when the grocer calls to them, "Bananas! 50 cents each or three for a dollar!"
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The girls stop and look at each other. "Well I suppose we could always eat the third one!" WHAT A PRIZE A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!" The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stereo system!" The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"
By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes." Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
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November 2013
FOOLIN' AROUND TOWN
Every Friday & Saturday in November
Planet Gemini
Monterey’s #1 comedy and Dance nightspot. The Lane brothers feature local & nationally known headlining comedians. www.planetgemini.com
November 8-17
Tall Ship Lady Washington Moss Landing
This is the ship from Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. She was also featured in a hip-hopartist’s video. Why are ships referred to as women? www.historicalseaport.org
November 2
November 21
The Kingston Trio Performing Arts Center-P.G.
Emerging from S.F.’s North Beach club scene in the 60’s to achieve worldwide fame and influence the musical taste of a generation. www.performingartscenter.org
December 1
Holiday Parade of Lights Oldtown Salinas
(We broke our rule by adding a next month event) A very cool family event Come out for an evening of fun www.salinasparade.com
November 28
Run for the Fallen
Community Thanksgiving Dinner Monterey Fairgrounds
A 10k run to honor the sacrifice of sons of Monterey County who gave their last full measure of devotion in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan www.runfortord.com
Volunteer the day before to prep or the day of to help serve or show up for a great community dinner 11-3pm. A free community event
November 7-10
Big Sur Food & Wine
80 wineries, 40 chefs & 20 events in 4 days. Sounds like a party to me! Proceeds support health, safety,education and the arts in Big Sur. www.bigsurfoodandwine.org
November 14-16
Big Sur Half Marathon
For the folks who didn’t drink wine the week before in Big Sur. bigsurhalfmarathon.org November 30
November 17
E-Book Workshop Monterey Public Library
Do you have a Kindle? Learn how to borrow free eBooks from the Library's web site. www.monterey.org/library
Shop Local Day
We Wish You All A Happy and Safe Thanksgiving From the Chucklehead and his Fools
Once upon a time there was a land where retail merchants and restaurants lined downtown streets because malls and online shopping didn’t exist. In real life, you don’t have to look far for a local merchant. Support the local businesses today and every day! www.foolishtimes.net
November 2013
To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038
Remodels pairs) Decks (New & Re Fence Installation Exterior Paint Interior & Retaining Walls new project 10% off on any
Cypress Studio Luxury Japanese L
Massage
831-333-9617
580 Casanove Ave. Monterey
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New Hours! Sun-Thur: 10am-Midnight Friday-Sat: 10am-1am
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Any Product or Service During the Month of