December 2013
12 Christmas Chuckles THROUGH THE EYES OF CARTOONIST DERRICK WOOD
December 2013
What the (BLEEP) is Foolish Times?
Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pets, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the socalled “writers” and “artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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Chucklehead .........................................Stevie P. Editorial Fool ...........................................Susie Q. Admin Fool...................................................Lisa C. Art Fool..................................................Allison W. Art Intern Fool.................................Morgan M. Resident Humorist......................Larry Wilde Cover art by Chuck Scardina Illustrated by Morgan Mecham
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Editor's Note:
On a trip back East a few years ago to visit family, I had the privilege of showing my son how to hit a moving car with a snowball. It was a proud moment and one I’ll always cherish. I have since taught him to hot wire a car, dine and dash, not to wear your nice shoes when panhandling and other assorted skills needed to get through life. As parents, we need to continue to refine our teaching methods to our children and help them the best we can. We shouldn’t enable them by giving them things, they should earn it by taking advantage of others. If you’re good looking, can play three cords on a guitar and mastered singing one song, then you created a job for yourself. Skilled labor is in demand! This is the time of year to be with family. I’m not sure why my family changed their address and moved without telling me. Maybe they forgot. Anyway, have a nice Holiday Season and we’ll do this again in 2014!
STEVIE P.
December. Whew. It’s so cliché to say where did the year go, but, what the heck, where did 2013 go?! Let’s take stock … the 12 issues represent 72 columns, 45 cartoons, 267 jokes, 488 advertisers, 133 quirky quotations, billions and billions of astrological insights and 1 Head Fool swan song. Okay, these numbers might be a bit of an exaggeration, except for the swan song; we for sure only had one of those! Bottom line, it’s been a foolish year and we appreciate all who have been foolish along with us. More of the same in this issue. Cartoonist Derrick Wood makes a silly carol, sillier; we’ve got Black Friday shopping advice; a challenging holiday quiz and a stocking-ful of things to do this season on our Foolin’ Around Town page. Enjoy this holiday season, however you celebrate! SUSIE Q., Editorial Fool editor@foolishtimes.net
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December 2013
Salty Senior Silliness FROM THE UNDERTAKER Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked. "He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than I am." "Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?" PARTIAL DOSAGE An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes." POOF! Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself and have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof!...the light goes
on and I go to the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!" "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, 'That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?" Thelma replied, "Oh Goodness! He's peeing in the fridge again!" AFTERLIFE BLISS This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years of their lives mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw
the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" ask ed the old man. "Don' t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. " Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man ask ed timidly. Peter lec tured, " That's the best par t...you can eat as much as you lik e of whatever you lik e and you never get fat and you never get sick . This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on
it, and shriek ing wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, ask ing him what was wrong. The old man look ed at his wife and said, " This is all your fault. I f it weren' t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!" INVICTUS When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, "the piano player". The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."
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December 2013
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BEER
DONUTS
ITALIAN
PUBS
Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take out, both draft & bottles 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
La Dolce Vita “The Sweet Life” Charming date night or family gathering place Great wine list, indoor & patio seating 5th Ave between San Carlos & Dolores Carmel 831.624.3667 www.ladolcevitacarmel.com
Crown & Anchor Home of Basal! A classic British owned & operated pub. Late night menu 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
CAFÉ
CHINESE
Del Monte Café Great breakfast & lunch Fresh handmade burgers to order 1642 Del Monte Ave, Seaside 831.394.7851 www.delmontecafeseaside.com
Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117
KoKo’s Café Greek gyros, freshly made baklava Homemade gelatos, coffee bar 419 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.375.3777 www.kokosmonterey.com
Full Moon A local favorite, lunch specials Warm hospitality and perfect portions Mandarin cuisine at its best 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288
Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St & 601 Wave St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com
Noodle Bar Inexpensive, not cheap! New Vietnamese Boba drinks 1944 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.392.0210 215 Reservation Rd, Marina 831.384.6225 www.noodlebarfood.com
Trailside Café A local favorite. Fish tacos, salads, benedicts Beer, local wine list, full coffee bar Ocean view, heated patio 550 Wave St, Monterey 831-649.8600 www.trailsidecafe.com
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ADVERTISE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.233.3122
Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 Lopez Cantina Award-winning family recipes Authentic, fresh and delicious Can you say tequila! 635 Cass St, Monterey 831.324.4260 www.lopezrestaurantmonterey.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers
Duffy’s Tavern The friendliest military watering hole in town Best burgers and coldest beer around All you can eat Spaghetti every Monday 282 High St, Monterey 831.644.9811
THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Locals rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd. Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com D’Anna Thai Kitchen Say “hi” to Chef D’Anna as you walk by the open kitchen Cute converted cottage. Formerly My Thai 210 Reindollar Ave Marina 831.883.9399 www.dannathaikitchen.com Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes - Not your father’s traditional Thai food although worth the trip to Oldtown 328 Main St Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
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December 2013
Taming Larry Wilde M O N E Y MIR TH There are lots of things more impor tant than money, but you need money to buy them. Mead was being inter viewed for employment. “ What about your last job?” asked the personnel director. “I cleaned out the bank,” replied the young man. “Janitor or president?” The Savings and loan scandals affected all Americans but the thrift industr y in California was par ticularly rife with rotten apples. In Sacramento, a flamboyant bank mogul was tried for fraud and embezzlement. “ This man was caught red handed,” the prosecutor charged. “ We have a video tape of him leaving the bank with a suitcase full of cash!” “I’m not a thief,” argued the banker. “I was tak ing that money home to show my family what k ind of work I do.” After just a few weeks, a small restaurant went bank rupt. The owner placed this sign in the window : Returned to Lender - Opened by Mistake. The only trouble with money is that you can’t use it more than once. Elmer Wink le died. At his funeral, his old friend George was surprised to see six bankers acting as pallbearers. After the ser vice, George approached the funeral director. “I don’t understand,” he said. “Elmer hated bankers. Why were they his pall bearers?” “Mr. Wink le put it in his will,” replied the mor tician. “He said
they carried him so long while he was alive, they might as well finish the job.” The bank teller had just been robbed for the third time by the same man. The detective asked, “Did you notice anything specific about the criminal?” “Actually, yes,” said the teller, “he seems to dress better each time.” An express train sped along the edge of one of the biggest cattle ranches in Texas. Wallach gazed intently at the huge herds grazing on the thick grass. When the boundar y line of the ranch was finally reached, he turned to the person occurpying the seat with him and said, “Quite a herd of cattle on that ranch. I counted 12,476 head.” “ That ’s incredible,” the man said. “I happen to be the owner of that ranch and I k now that I own exactly 12,476 head of cattle. How on ear th did you manage to count them from a train that was going 60 miles an hour.” “Oh, it ’s easy if you k now the system,” said the accountant. “I just count the legs and divide by four.” The anxious realtor was showing a house to a newly married couple. “ This is the hobby room,” the agent explained “Do you folks have a hobby?” “Oh, yes,” said the young husband. “And what is it?” “Look ing at new model homes.” Provided by our resident humorist, from his book, “ Treasur y of Laughter.”
A woman walking her dog claimed she heard pounding coming from the basement of one of the homes. Police found that it was the homeowner’s pet monkey hitting the basement window. A complainant reported that a resident was verbally harassing her because she put up a fence. A resident told police a man and a woman were acting suspiciously. The man told police he and his girlfriend were playing hide and seek. A passerby told police that a man was riding a motorized shopping cart down the street. The man was advised and returned the cart to a nearby grocery store. A caller said another man had walked into his yard and attempted to take his lawnmower. The man said he wanted the lawnmower for scrap metal. A resident claimed that a neighbor was shooting arrows in his backyard. The man told police he was showing his fiancée how to shoot arrows and promised to stop. A resident reported a suspicious-looking man walking around the yard of a neighboring home. When police questioned the man, he told them he was looking for his date, who had not shown up. An employee of a store said a female ran inside wearing only her undergarments. She was advised to put some clothes on. An employee said a customer became irritated when he was asked for his date of birth. The clerk claimed that the customer proceeded to lift up his shirt to reveal a gun on his hip. A man returned home from working out of town to find a man lying on his couch. Troopers investigated a report of a man asleep at the wheel in a drive through lane. Troopers were able to arouse the man, who showed signs of intoxication and failed roadside sobriety tests. A man was reportedly lying on the front lawn of a hotel. The man told police he was tired from working all day and wanted to take a nap. www.foolishtimes.net
December 2013
Quirky Quotations THE QUOTATION QUIZ OF QUESTIONABLE QUALITY BY QUARLEN QUROSSMAN
Can you guess who said the following? 1. "I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers." A. Woody Allen B. Rudyard Kipling 2. "Be true to your teeth and they won't be false to you." A. Soupy Sales B. George Washington 3. "Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease." A. Hippocrates B. Bill Maher 4. "Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."
Holiday Grocery List • Grass Fed Prime Rib • Spiral Cut Honey Baked Ham • Organic Vegetables • Wine • Gizdich Pie
Open Christmas Day!
Monte Vista Market 15 Soledad Drive Monterey Mon-Sat 8-8pm Sun 9-7pm Family Owned and Operated
Call 831.373.3737
A. Lewis & Clark B. Calvin & Hobbes 5. “Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him, 'Will we ever make love again?' He said, 'Yes.... but not with each other.'” A. Rita Rudner B. Queen Elizabeth II 6. "Nothing so needs reforming as other people's bad habits." A. Louis XIV B. Mark Twain 7. "I don't suffer from insanity but enjoy every minute of it." A. Jimmy Carter B. Edgar Allan Poe 8. "Last, but not least, avoid cliches like the plague." A. Christopher Columbus B. William Safire Answers (all true): 1-A, 2-A, 3-B, 4-B, 5-A, 6-B, 7-B, 8-B Scoring: (number correct ) 7-8: Suspicious, 5-6: Narcoleptic, 3-4: Flutist, 1-2: Sentimental, 0: Weepy Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey County Herald and at quotationquotient.com.
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On the first day of Christmas...
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December 2013
A virtual smorgasbord of jokes and otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times at editor@foolishtimes.net A lawyer and a priest were traveling together. The priest by way of conversation asked, “Do you make mistakes in court?” “Rarely,” came the haughty reply. “If they are large, I correct them. If small, I let them go. Do you make mistakes in the pulpit?” “Sometimes,” was the reply. “And I handle them the way you do. Last Sunday I meant to tell the congregation that the Devil was the Father of Lies, but it came out Father of Lawyers. But it was small, so I let it go.” From the always funny, Rex Keyes A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: Please note that this bank is installing new drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, "male and female" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.' Male procedure: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window.
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3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. Female procedure: 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call her back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward two feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Re-dial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for two to three miles. 27. Release parking brake. Thanks to George Thorpe
O C
C K
Open 7 Days-A-Week Serving Lunch & Dinner 11:00am - 9:00pm
December 2013
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BY BINI Sudden storms, droughts, floods, earthquakes...
Comments Welcome: foolsholiday@live.com Aries: March 21 - April 19 What truth abounds. In other words Crabby start now by disrobing and dishelming ...Or find the proper tool like a can-opener, it can be an eye opener. Taurus: April 20 - May 20 *Bull Artist! Your gift to gab is fulgent, a blurting bulge of information. An angel gives you good warning that your chops need reforming. Take heed and you won’t need to recant, let alone recall what you have declared. At least you have one angle here you can change ... It’s your Long Johns. *Boil them up! Gemini: May 21 - June 20
baubles. Even with a Pinecone stuck in your paw, your sparkling virtuosity will prevail! Virgo: August 23 - September 22 A *Beefer in Hobo Terminology is a whiner named after the Squealing Pig Diner. Do you see where this is going? Trying to perfect all that surrounds you is against nature’s way. Be phosphorescent, a firefly in winter or lie dormant in a patch of snow and let the deep freeze cool thy knocking noggin. Christmas morning you will feel refreshed and in spring the sun will have melted all your woes away or toes frayed! Libra: September 23 - Oct. 22
Donde Esta La *Boomer? Looking for Santa with an itch to travel, to hitch a ride before you unravel! You may feel crazy blind about which direction to go because your mirror-like disposition makes it so. Asking questions of your other-half is as productive as selling sleigh insurance to SANTA. Feliz Navidad to the both of you’s!
Your most efficient movement between two points is often a thought. Yet today your bum ought to get off this lot, a final caveat to move your *bottle wagon off 42nd Street! Your blazing charm and poinsettias are apparently competing with Broadway. You fought so hard for this corner; look closely at this bouquet, a Pyrrhic victory is in this day!
Cancer: June 21 - July 22
Scorpio: October 23 - Nov. 21
That tinsel is sinful when it glistens so upon your brow! Be it bangs, or be it a crown, those forces underneath are making you drown! Soften your hard surface to release what truth abounds. In other words Crabby start now by disrobing and dishelming ...Or find the proper tool like a can-opener, it can be an eye opener.
You are scintillating when you gaze upon the innocence of stupid. You wish to sting and stomp and yet your stocking is full.Gratefulness or Greatfulness? You mustn’t *chuck a dummy, ordinary people count like the rest. Save the Turtle Dove’s nest from this winds chill. Yes, this is a test of the emergency broadcast ego-system.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
Sagittarius: Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Cheery Cherry-Red and Coruscating are thee! Who you want to BE, is Mr. or Ms. SANTA C. Auntie Shame; alias Plastic-Elastic Queen is baaaack ... and will be riding your ass this holiday. Cover all furniture with her Xmas plastic sofa covers or you will be tempted to mule-tide kick her and pop all her
Happy Honking Herpetic Birthday! Frank Sinatra was SAG. He aimed his restless spirit into song, look how long that dong went ding. You can train to do the Can-can on top of the Polar Express.You choose the venture but leave the dentures. Go Get Blitzen!
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Capricorn: Dec. 22 - January 19 A mansion for a mailbox! To no surprise, a large unit with gables would entice your enormous practical side. I get it, no space to go to waste. The postal worker hurled a package along with your mail and heard a thump and then a scream. He is concerned that you may be injured and or may have paper cuts. In addition, this space is used by Santa’s secret Elves. It’s a hub! But they see you as a squatter. Practicality is useful; but it is time to Giddy-yap, Giddy-yap, and move back in the main house. Aquarius: Jan 23 - February 18 A rare luminescence sweeps Christmas twilight and simultaneously your unconventional good tidings are heralding a tune. Bear with though, in the
distance, Suzy Snowflake is singing, “Come out ev’ryone and play, the ride’s on me.” Then she stumbles down onto someone’s frosty nose and cries. You thought YOU were an odd ball! You simply march to a different drummer. Pisces: February 19 - March 20 SKYFISH! You are no longer swimming in the fog! An auroral search light shines deep in your psyche and lights a way through a new portal. A temporary indecisiveness may riddle you when you have to choose door#1, door#2, or door#3. So Let’s Make a Deal- Push through every one of them, push! And you will win an invitation to the Ocean’s Eleven cast party and so much more, you’ll see. It’s a wonderful life! *Hobo Terminology ~ Look it up.
On the second day of Christmas...
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December 2013
FUNNY BONES
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 exactly once.
A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse were taking a lunch break. In walks a well-dressed lady proclaiming, “I am Gina the Great. I’m so pleased with the way you’ve taken care of my aunt that I will now grant you each one wish.” The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. “I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.” With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone. The floor nurse went next. “I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts.” With a puff of smoke, she too was gone. “Now, what is the last wish?” asked the lady. The charge nurse said, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break!” Submitted by: Vanessa and Teresa Madrid of JT Healthcare Uniforms in Salinas. Both Mom and daughter are funny and can prove it!
Answers on Page 24
JOKES SUBMITTED BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
Posing as Normal BY MARY TOMPSETT
Holiday Quiz for Y'all It’s time for our December math test, boys and girls, so put on your holiday thinking caps! #1 - Al's father is 45. He is 15 years older than twice Al's age. Dave is four inches shorter than Lori but wears six-inch heels. Three years from now, they’ll all move to Cleveland. Who will get a tattoo of John Boehner? #2 - A reindeer must travel 1000 miles across a desert to Cleveland. She has 3000 bananas but can only carry 1000 at a time. For every mile she walks, she needs to eat a banana. If she throws up, she must go back and start over. Will she remember her colonoscopy or not? #3 – A family has two children
and one child is a girl. Calculate the probability that the other child is a wolf-boy who will grow up to kill Dave (see #1) for those sexy shoes. #4 - A boa constrictor named Muffin is attached by a rope to a point on the perimeter of a circular field. How long should the rope be in terms of the radius of the field so that Muffin can eat her fill of cocker spaniels without clogging the blades on the neighbor’s riding mower? #5 - Train A, traveling 70 mph, leaves Westford heading toward Eastford, 260 miles away. At the same time Train B, traveling 60 mph, leaves Eastford heading toward Westford. What is the exact time they will hit a constipated reindeer crossing the tracks? How many people will it take to clean up the banana peels? #6 - Two trains 100 miles apart travel toward each other on the same track, one (named Betsy) at 60 mph, and the other (named Ralph)
at 90 mph. A fly—call her Judy but it’s not her real name—buzzes back and forth between the two trains until they collide. If Judy’s speed is 120 mph, calculate the probability that stupid train questions have caused railroad travel to decline.
"A boa constrictor named Muffin is attached by a rope to a point on the perimeter of a circular field."
#7 - In his wallet, Josh has five more nickels than dimes, and twice as many quarters as condoms. If he does not want to break a hundred dollar bill, how much can he pay a hooker for sex and still have at least $1.35 left for the collection plate at church? #8 – Which one of Santa’s reindeer is transgendered? Does Santa know?
#9 – One of the Kardashian sisters is searching for her lost cocker spaniel and she comes to a fork in the road that is guarded by two members of different tribes. One tribe always tells the truth, and the other always lies. If the K-babe is allowed to ask only one question, which of the following questions should she ask? (a) During 2014, will anyone care how much weight I repeatedly gain and lose? (b) Nice snakeskin boots. Anyone seen my dog? (c) Hey there, big boy. Was anything left for the collection plate? © 2013 by Mary Tompsett Mary Tompsett is a humorist who tries to avoid living in a “gated community” because institutional straitjackets are notoriously unflattering. Her novel, Whinny From the Heart, is available through www.booklocker.com
December 2013
The Year Ends in Holidays! BY REX KEYES
Between Halloween and New Year’s Day there are a lot of shopping festivities. This year Kmart has jumped in and will be open 40 straight hours starting Thanksgiving morning at 6 am. Some people don’t like this. But, Kmart shoppers have a right just as everyone else to camp out and shop early for those Christmas bargains. There are no complaints about shopping early on the internet, so why a brick and mortar store like Kmart? Attacking Kmart is like attacking mom, apple pie and the Easter Bunny. If you’re going out, there are four basic guidelines to shopping at stores early: 1.Scope out the aisles the day before the sales so that when the store opens, you can run straight to that department to load up on that 50 inch LED flat screen T V. If I were a manager at Kmart, I would have the 8-foot high blue lights rotating at each sales spot to guide my customers to their destination. 2. Remember it is wintertime so dress warmly. 3. Arrive an hour or more before the store opens; less than an hour the lines get very long. 4. Don’t drink coffee or eat before you go wait in line, unless someone is with you to hold your place because Mother Nature will surely call. At the end of the year, each holiday or event is loved by corporate America. Halloween is loved by the candy industry. Thanksgiving and Christmas is loved by the food industry. Credit card companies are in heaven during this period; charge, charge, charge, interest, interest, interest. The toy, clothing and small appliance
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On the third day of Christmas...
companies rake in the big bucks and they will hit you with everything they've got during this “season.” And as the Borg say in Star Trek, “Resistance is futile.” By the way, avoid all grocery stores after 1 pm a few days prior to the holidays. The length of the checkout lines inspired the name of the movie “From Here to Eternity.”
“And as the Borg say in Star Trek, “Resistance is futile.” Let’s not forget the alcoholic beverage industry. They reign supreme throughout the season. You have heard of jolly ole Saint Nick? Well, he is jolly for a specific reason. Those red cheeks are not red because of the cold. Discount sales of alcohol, beer, wine and liquor, start just before Halloween and continue through New Year’s Eve. Let’s see, there are the Halloween parties, the Christmas office parties and the New Year’s Eve parties. Wine is usually consumed at Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. Beer is the beverage of choice for everyone watching the football games. Oh yes, and don’t forget that you are visiting your relatives and in-laws, and worldwide, whether you live in Africa, Asia, the North Pole or Mars, beer, wine or liquor will make your visit much more enjoyable. I have been to a couple of these places and there are no differences when it comes to visiting relatives. Well, all I can say is have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
“Mama, there’s a man at the door,” said little Johnny. “He says he’s collecting for senior citizens. Do you think we should hide Grandpa?”
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December 2013
Superstore! BY TED GARGIULO
The Shop-a-Lot, for the sake of those living outside the Tri-County area, is “THE ultimate, one-stop solution for everything practical for your home or garden.” From Maalox to mothballs. From mascara to mulch. This retail behemoth dwarfs every other landmark in the vicinity and is highly visible from the freeway. If a one-stop Shop-a-Lot hasn’t invaded your corner of the world, give it time. You may already know it by a different name. When Norm Bassin first began working for the establishment, there were only two of these eyesores in existence. Since then, four more superstores have shot up inside the Culver, just in the last 10 years. I doubt there’s a family within a 40 mile radius that doesn’t frequent one of them. Of course, no standalone enterprise ever stands alone. “Onestop solutions” invariably morph into one-stop plazas, business centers, industrial parks and strip malls: cradles of commerce that have redefined and reshaped the region. Over time, whole communities have grown up around them, branching out into the unpeopled wilderness developers abhor, filling it with new jobs, new roads, new housing projects, legions of new families living closer to where they work. City planners and marketing visionaries predict that the present phenomenon will spawn at least 10 more Shop-a-Lots over the next 20 years, reaching well beyond the Culver. Why? “Because we can!” to quote the company motto. Translate that to mean: more soot, more concrete, more congestion, an ever sprawling tapestry of communities caught up in the business of doing business. From superstore to super highway: the tradition continues. It was here, at Shop-a-Lot’s main distribution center, that our knight
in blue jeans launched his first major crusade into the Land of Plenty: Five years with the same company. Five in the morning till five in the evening, five days a week, plus five hours on Saturday. Five bucks an hour to start, and five annual increases of five times five cents an hour.
" From superstore to super highway: the tradition continues."
Change of Season… We Can Help You Be Safe on the Road
Happy Holidays from Tony and his staff
Working for the ubiquitous superstore must have given Norm his first personal connection with his new found community, despite the isolation of his warehouse assignment. Made him feel like a part of something huge and important. I wonder if the man ever considered all the secret ways he invested a part of himself in the lives of people he’d never met, simply by handling the products they used every day. If you ate it, smoked it, chugged it, planted it, flossed with it, plunged with it, cooked with it, cleaned with it, mowed with it, lounged in it, frolicked in it, danced to it, talked on it, played on it, poured it in your engine, applied it to your face, fed it to your fish, or used it to wipe your butt, chances are that it had passed through Norm’s hands long before it reached you. That certainly is powerful, when you think about it. I doubt most people do, least of all those whose lives (and butts) have been touched by devoted, hard working men like Norm. Excerpted from “On the Culver,” one of 11 stories in Ted’s new story collection entitled, The Man Who Invented New Jersey, available from Amazon in hardcover at https:// www.createspace.com/4442846 … or in a downloadable Kindle edition at http://www.amazon.com/dp/ B00GBIZZIM#_
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December 2013
On the fourth day of Christmas...
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Christmas in the
Adobes 2013
Refreshments Entertainment & Decorations in Historic Adobes! Buy Tickets at Cooper Museum Store 525 Polk St. at Munras & Alvarado Show military I.D. at store for $5 off Adult single-night ticket Adult $25 or 2-night pass $40 Youth (6-17) $2 Child 5 & under free Buy Tickets Online
MontereyStateHistoricParkAssociation.org
December 6th & 7th 5-9pm 831.649.7120 Porcelain Figurines by Lladró 2013 Christmas Collection
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December 2013
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Come in and Experience
Your Local Connection to Home-Grown Goods Best Selection of local wine • Gizdich Pies Daily delivery from local bakeries: Bagel Bakery, Gayle’s & Kelly’s Local organic produce • Grass fed beef Catering from our hot deli and sandwich counter
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From our family to yours, “Happy Holidays” - Charlie and the Grove Market Staff
Expires December 31, 2013
242 Forest Ave, Pacific Grove Open Monday- Saturday 8-7pm Sunday 9-6pm Family owned operated since 1969 Closed Christmas Day
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To Place Your Special Order From Our Meat Dept:
Phone 831.375.9581 Fax 831.375.1431 Or stop by and see Charlie! www.grovemarketpg.com
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December 2013
CHA MPIONS of th e
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December 2013
On the seventh day of Christmas...
Answers on Page 24
What a Year!
COMMON
POPE
SCIENTIFIC
HOSTAGE
FRANCIS
LANDSLIDES
NUCLEAR
CYPRUS
CROATIA
SANCTIONS
SNOWDEN
DELEGATES
METEOR
WITHDRAW
BAILOUT
ASTEROID
TREATY
DISASTER
COLLAGEN
COLLAPSE
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On the eighth day of Christmas...
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December 2013
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On the ninth day of Christmas...
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December 2013
PUNS
QUOTE
FOR
EDUCATED MINDS 1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of maths disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 13. I wondered why the cricket ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 17. A backward poet writes inverse. 18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine. 21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.” 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says , 'Dam!' 23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I've lost my electron.”' The other says , “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I'm positive.” 25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 26. There was the person who sent 10 puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. Thanks to Miles Burke of Cincinnati for tweeking our funny bone.
Q: Why did the cowboy die with his boots on? A: Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket! Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe! Q: Where do hampsters come from? A: Hampsterdam!
OF THE MONTH BY BINI "The importance of being foolish is activated by a strewed blinding light, it’s the after-image that shows how to peace it all together."
Q: Why is the time in the USA behind that of England? A: Because England was discovered before the USA! Q: What is the most slippery country in the world? A: Greece! Q: What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas? A: A ladder in her stocking! Q: Who was the best actor in the bible? A: Samson, he brought the house down! Q: Why doesn't the sea spill over the earth? A: Because it's tied!
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December 2013
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SA Reject BY ROSIE SORENSON You know you’re over the hill when you can’t even get a pat down from the TSA. Last weekend, Steve and I stood in the security line at the Oakland airport on our way to Los Angeles to visit his son. I hadn’t been there in over a year and I now noticed that they had installed one of those dreaded X-ray machines. I carefully read all the signs informing passengers that they could choose either: a) to be radiated by a machine that emits “back scatter,” or b) to submit to a pat down. I had heard awful stories about people getting patted down, but I figured it would involve only a few minutes of humiliation and might even be fun if I got the cute screener guy. Radiation, however, is forever. “I think I’ll take the pat down,” I said to Steve in a faux perky tone, a smile on my face. Whenever I’m faced with two equally bad options I like to act as if I am in charge, as though I am the one making the decision, not a bunch of thoughtless legislators three thousand miles away. “Now you’re scaring me,” he said. “Well, are you going to let them radiate you?” “Haven’t decided yet.” We inched closer and closer to the officer checking our boarding passes and photo ID’s. After he handed back my documents, I quickly scooted over toward the conveyor belt where the cute guy was sitting and squinting at X-ray pictures of the items cruising through before him. I grabbed a plastic bin for my shoes, one for my fanny pack and another for my baggie full of makeup,
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toothpaste and hand sanitizer. I adopted my most harmless smile and waited for The Handsome Man in Uniform to wave me on. When he did, I marched up to the woman standing on the other side of the arch and said, “I’d like the pat down, please.” She stared, silent. Maybe she didn’t understand. “You know, instead of the X-ray machine?” “You don’t have to do that,” she said, finally. “See that machine over there?” I glanced to my right. “That’s where you’d have been sent if they had wanted to look at you further.”
“'In real time this interchange lasted only a few seconds, but in my mind my cheeks had been burning for hours.” Here’s where all of my perky bravado evaporated, replaced by a helpless confusion which she must have noticed because she turned to another uniformed TSA guard and hollered, “Hey, Cindy, this here woman says she wants a pat down.” Big Cindy laughed. In real time this interchange lasted only a few seconds, but in my mind my cheeks had been burning for hours. Suspended in that awful state of “I-know-I’ms c re w i n g - u p - b u t - d o n’ t - k n o w how-to-get-out-of-this-alive,” I just smiled. Well of course, Ma’am, that was just a little joke. Please don’t shoot me. As I walked through the archway, I couldn’t help but feel as if I’d been transported back to high school when I was as uncool as they come, desperately wanting Eugene Stropes, a Senior to my Sophomore, to like me. He sat in front of me in Latin class and whenever he would turn around to get an answer from me, my
pathetic little heart flipped. One day, just before class, he whispered to me, “Did you hear the one about the newlyweds who didn’t know the difference between Vaseline and putty?” “N-no,” I stammered. “All their windows fell out,” he said, his black eyes on fire. Silence. “Their windows fell out,” he repeated. “Get it?” “Oh, now, I… sure,” I lied and nodded. “Funny.” I think I was 21 before that made any sense. I met up with Steve on the other side of the arch. “Did you get the X-ray?” I said as I fetched my belongings from the conveyor belt. “No,” he said. “You?” “They never patted me down,” I whispered behind my hand.
“You sound disappointed.” “Well, geez, what does a girl have to do to get felt up by a stranger these days? I mean, if the TSA won’t even pat me down, well…” I sighed, and threw up my hands. Time to fatten up my cosmetic surgery fund. So many vegetables, so little time. Rosie Sorenson’s new book, Humor Me! Short Amusing Takes on George Clooney, Fruit Fly Sex, the NSA, Halle Berry, Compassionate Rats, and Other Wacky Topics, is now available as an e- book on Amazon.com. Rosie is an award-winning writer whose work has been published in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, the PittsburghTribune Review and other publications. In 2007, Rosie won Honorable Mention in the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition. She is a frequent contributor to the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop website.
On the tenth day of Christmas...
22
December 2013
BY TO M BU R N S “Del and Estelle invited us for Christmas dinner at their place. Thank we should go?” Rex ’s limited vocabular y obscured most of my sentence I’m sure, but his ears did pick up at the word “dinner.” H is tail wagged. However, if I had said, “I’m putting the left- over tarantulas and gym socks in the dinner, he still would have wagged his tail upon hearing “dinner.” Las year we had Christmas dinner with Del and Estell, Del’s mother brought her teacup poodle, Snow Flak e, and we caught Rex and Snow Flak e humping during dinner, under the Christmas tree and behind the nativit y scene. Del’s mom shriek ed at the implied heretical behavior, and went on and on about how I need to train my dog better, and that he not be tempted to rape her little Snow Flak e behind the most sacred of symbols of the
epitome of all Christianit y. I had fueled the fire by reminding her that I had been taught that one of Jesus’ tenets was non-judgment, and that she obviously felt it her right to choose off the menu of Jesus’ principles, discarding the ones that weren’t co -tangent with her world view. She grabbed Snow Flak e and took off in a huff, but not before she shook her finger at me, calling me “looser,” “heretic,” anti- Christ.” I think I caught “point y-tailed white trashSatan” as well as she stormed out the front door. “Maybe I should call Del and Estelle to see if Snow Flak e has been invited to the Christmas dinner, Rex.” Rex had focused his attention on a fly doing pushups on the ceiling and didn’t hear a word I said. Perhaps he was using the fly as a ruse and had been just ignoring me. “ Year, say Del. About the Christmas dinner. Is, ah, Snow Flak e coming with the evangelical H itler ” Er, I mean, Estell’s dear mother?” “Estell said her mother was
so upset last year at the sexual shenanigans of what she calls that “little black phallic symbol,’ Rex of course, she isn’t coming this year. And to tell you the truth Tom, I owe you one, big time. God, that old coot bugs the bejesus out of me. But Rex, the little torpedo of love, is always welcome. Why I may even set a place at the table for him as a matter of fac t! See ya’.”
“Sometimes I wonder if there is TMI for dogs.” “Rex. We’re going. Sorr y to say little Snow Flak e won’t be there. And remember : no humping of people’s shins. You think that is so much fun I’m sure, but it mak es people uncomfor table. Especially women. I tried it once on a woman in a bar in Bak ersfield once. She didn’t touch me, but her husband k nock ed me out cold.” Rex paid no attention to my inner purging. The fly had left, but Rex k ept staring at the ceiling anyway. I wonder what Freud would say.
“Rexie, I shouldn’t tell you this yet, but Del said he’s going to set a place at the table for you! Your own plate! You can stand on the chair, or I can put some phone books on it so you can reach better, but you’ll be eating WITH us.” Rex seemed to have a few human speech brain neurons firing at the moment, and pick ed up on his sitting at the dinner table with us. I t took that much to get him away from staring at the ceiling. “So remember your manners. Don’t wolf your food down so fast that you throw up. NO inching your way over to eat off someone else’s plate. No peeing on the table leg. We’ve both done things lik e that before, but don’t do it at other people’s houses. Ok ay? Capisce?” I lost him at capisce, I think . Sometimes I wonder if there is TMI for dogs. He look ed lik e there is. Rex (and Tom) can be reached at burns100@ear thlink.net
Note to Self: Get house ready for holidays What can you put in your right hand but not your left? Your left elbow.
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December 2013
23
The ship sent to Boston harbor in 1768 to enforce British taxes on the American colonies was the HMS Romney. It takes 4 seconds for a silence to become awkward. A drib is smaller than a drab. A jiffy is 10 milliseconds. Thither is farther from hither than yon. Spiders snuggle. A group of weasels is a boogle. A group of flamingos is a flamboyance. A group of pugs is a grumble. Turtles can breathe through their butt. One out of every three Americans knows someone who has been shot. The largest dinosaur poo ever excavated measured more than 25 inches in length. Thor's hammer was named Mjoelnir. On Mercury, a day is longer than a year. The hole in your shirt that you put your arm through is called an “armsaye.� We have left 188 tons of equipment on the moon. Each day you inhale about 700,000 flakes of your own skin. Reno is further west than Los Angeles. The United States is 7/10ths of an inch farther from Europe than it was a year ago. The Liberty Bell weighs the equivalent of 11,093 tacos. The two-toed sloth has three toes. The world record for longest leg hair is 4.88 inches. The average sleepwalking episode lasts six minutes. The Milky Way will collide with the Andromeda galaxy in 2 billion years. www.foolishtimes.net
On the eleventh day of Christmas...
24
December 2013
Grandma and her little
foolish sudoku's answers
from page 10
grandson were in the park
foolish search's answers
from page 17
picking up ripe walnuts on a beautiful fall day. “These are the kind of nuts your Daddy loves best,” she said.The little boy replied, “Maybe he likes these things best but the nuts I like are doughnuts!”
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CAMERA
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MOVING
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Auto Tech Mobile Mechanic
If you’re sitting on the side of the road reading this call Brian 831.899.3695
To Advertise on Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.233.3122
Repairs, video transfer, media recovery, photo restoration Three locations
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greenscameraworld.com
JEWELRY Bench Jeweler
No job too big or small General Contractor Licensed, insured, bonded 831.869.0493
allinoneconstructionca.com
We take the guess work out of moving Complimentary estimates Bonded, insured 831.373.6683
Uchida Construction
FENCES/DECKS
We Buy Gold! Experts in repair and estate jewelry appraisal 831.372.5186
Framing, carpentry. New construction & remodeling Licensed, bonded, insured General Contractor 831.595.7773
Gasper’s Jewelers
PETS
Monterey’s premier jeweler Custom design, repair and quality jewelry, watches and collectibles 831.375.5332 gaspersjewelers.com
Coyote Scoop
“Pets Poop, We Scoop” We also assist with “pet issues” 831.393.0362
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December 2013
B.B.Q.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: On the back she saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche. Q: What does Star Trek's Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: Space. The final frontier.......... Q: What did the blonde do when she missed the 66 Bus? A: She took the 33 bus twice instead. Q: Why do ya reckon blondes don't have elevator jobs? A: Cuz they've no idea of the route. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle? A: You shine a torchlight in her ear.
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On the twelfth day of Christmas...
Q: Did you hear about the blonde Bear? A: Got stuck in a hunter's trap, chewed off its two paws and one leg, and was still stuck. Q: How do you measure their intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in their ear. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? A: There have been sightings of UFOs. Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A: Frosted Flakes. Q: What do you call a blonde holding a brief case, up a tree? A: The Branch Manager.
Q: Why do blondes love lightning? A: They reckon somebody is taking their photo. Q: Why couldn't the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes? A: She couldn't find the recipe. SHORT TAKES Two blondes walk into a building ‌ You would have thought one of them would see it. What do you call 2 blondes in a pool? Air bubbles. What do you call 3 blondes standing in a row? A wind tunnel.
A blonde and a brunette were walking along a path in the woods. The brunette said, "Oh look, a dead bird.� The blond looked up in the sky and said, "Where, where?" Why did the blond right tgif on her shoes? To remind her toes go in first.
26
December 2013
FOOLIN' AROUND TOWN
Every Friday & Saturday in November
Planet Gemini
Monterey’s #1 comedy and Dance nightspot. The Lane brothers feature local & nationally known headlining comedians. www.planetgemini.com
December 5-7
December 13-15
Christmas in the Adobes
Cowboy Poetry & Music Festival
Experience 20 of Monterey’s beautiful historic buildings illuminated by candlelight during this annual event. Costumed volunteers provide entertainment and refreshments www.montereystatehistoricparkassociation.org
15th annual event celebrates Monterey's contribution to our western heritage with cowboy poetry, music and marketplace. Monterey Conference Center www.montereycowboy.org December 16
Through January 5
Ice Skating by the Bay
Custom House Plaza is the host to a seasonal ice rink. Great for family bonding because you can fall and pick each other up. www.iceskatingbythebay.com
Monterey Documentary
Explore Monterey through the Eyes of John Steinbeck. Museum of Monterey museumofmonterey.org December 8
Sheila Raye Charles Christmas on Main Street
Through December 22
Spamalot
Back by popular demand A musical comedy "lovingly ripped off from" the 1975 film Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Recommended for immature audiences Golden Bough Theatre www.pacrep.org
Beethoven’s Birthday
December 7
As an entertaining and engaging vocalist and daughter of Ray Charles, Sheila is able to inspire her audiences with stories of her life challenges, of her spiritual journey and personal growth while at the same time delivering life giving music. First Presbyterian Church, www.fcpsalinas.org
December 8
Native American Christmas Market 10th annual event featuring unique Native American gifts. Enjoy a “Rez Dog” and fried bread while browsing. Spreckels Veterans Memorial Building
If he is listening to the music of today, he would be rolling over and telling Tchaikovsky the news! Happy Birthday Ludwig!
December 25
Merry Christmas December 31
First Night Monterey
December 9 Weary Willy Day Professional clown Emmett Kelly created “Weary Willy”; one of the more memorable clown characters of the 20th century: He made the “tramp” look popular among Depression-era derelicts. One of his signature routines involved attempting to sweep up after circus acts, and failing in spite of himself.
NYE community celebration of the arts. Family friendly with interactive art, games and music Alvarado Street, Monterey www.firstnightmonterey.org
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December 2013
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