The Free Space Interview Project: Issue 1

THE FREE SPACE INTERVIEW PROJECT Volume I a zine by FOOT-TO-FACE

©Julianne Ess 2017

The Free Space Interview Project is an ongoing project of mine that first began in 2012, when I made my first ever zine called CRAM and dedicated three very tiny pages to an “interview section,� consisting of 6 questions and about 3-8 responses each, before it became one of the main focuses of my artistic practice.

In the FSIP, I ask people a series of open-ended questions and allow them to answer as personally or impersonally, as concisely or tangentially as they like. Each interviewee understands that their responses will be shared anonymously, as I transcribe the recorded conversation and make edits for readability while still maintaining the integrity of the responses the person has given.

My main rules for myself are to be an attentive listener, to not interject, and to only move on to the next question when the interviewee has given a clear indication, verbal or gestural, that their answer is complete.

Interviews included in this first issue of the Free Space Interview Project were conducted between 2012 and 2013.

I hope you find some answers you’ve been looking for.

Many many thanks to all Free Space Interview Project participants.

1. Finish this sentence: People are…

Different. Amazing. Surprising.

Generally good. Interesting.

Inconsiderate and selfish, especially in large numbers.

Weird. Weird. Weird! Especially boys.

They think I’m weird, but I think they are the ones who are weirder.

Very complex. And not able to be coalesced in another human’s mind on first meeting. Can my answer be long?

[Yeah, go for it.] And I really don’t know what it means to be a human being.

When I was younger I used to think that it meant one had the ability to be

rational. I don’t think that anymore.

Sometimes I decided I would accept the working thesis that a human has the form of a human, but beyond that, I’m not sure what it means to be human.

But I do believe that there is something more than having the form of a human, I just don’t know what it is.

People are not so bad when you get into a positive state of being or positive space in your life and you start attracting people into your life who have energy that matches the positivity that you are putting out into the world, and putting out into the space around you.

People are crazy! Yeah. Do I have to elaborate? I don’t know how I feel about

people. How’s that?

Diverse. Because…one thing I noticed about people in general, that it’s whatever you say about somebody, the opposite is also true. It’s hard to figure out…sometimes you think you know, but then you’re proven wrong. I’ve been trying to wrap my head around-because I’m not a very social person-been trying to get my head around this concept of communicating and interacting with others by simplifying it to a degree that I can understand better. But it hasn’t been working so far because people are diverse. (laughs) I hate answering things like that. Errgh. People are never just people? I’m done with that question.

Profoundly infinite.

Indispensible.

People are quite predictable. I get really disappointed very easily with people.

Yeah. People compromise. I don’t know, I’ve got a big problem with people not doing what they want to do and being cool with it , accepting it. All following the same path that way. I hate it. You know when you’re a kid, people that you think are really special, and you think they will do something really special when they grow up, but then they end up doing what everyone else does, kinda. Disappointing. People are less than they could be, I suppose. That’s a rubbish answer. (laughs) Sometimes

I feel like asking people, “Why are you doing this? If you’re not happy about it, why do you do it?”

People are selfish, ignorant, but occasionally nice.

Stupid. People are sheep! People are morons! People are…are way worse than individual persons. People as a group are just, like, kind of reprehensible. Yeah, individuals are great, but people are reprehensible.

I feel like that’s kind of finished already.

People are. They are. I don’t know.

Alive, people are alive? That’s not even true though cause some of them are dead. (laughs) That’s my answer I guess. I don’t like to judge! I don’t like to judge.

People are a strange bunch.

People are gaspingly beautiful creatures, each of whom will humble deeply if there...is...space...to listen.

(laughs) Mind. Because… because you can think with it. Because you can imagine with it. Because there is infinite variety there. And because if things are bad you can pretend in your mind that they’re not. (laughs) On myself? It doesn’t matter? Aesthetically, asses are my favourite. But poetically, I really like hands. I really like looking at people’s hands, especially the hands which are more, like, the kind where you have lots of veins popping out over here. I really like it. And hands which are a bit bigger and rougher. It’s just nice.

I have two. Arms and eyes. Arms first though, just because …it feels so strange to be articulating this. ‘No, it’s profound, I swear!’ (laughs) No, in terms of practical and metaphorical, I guess, arms sort of indicate upper body strength for me so, having upper body strength is good for practical reasons cause it’s sort of a sign of a very specific type, albeit, of self-sufficiency. Like, for example, when you’re being chased by a scary animal, it’s good to have strength to lift you over a fence or climb up a tree. But also, in terms of physicality, I guess you can equate it with a very specific type of power and it speaks volumes about a person who possesses a great deal of

power in any capacity, and to whom it wouldn’t occur to abuse that power or--it might occur, but they would choose not to. If that makes sense. Oh yeah, second body part: eyes. For the obvious reason, they are the windows to the soul, quote unquote. But eyes, in terms of them being the windows to the soul they are sort of the catalyst to being able to form a connection with another human being. They are, generally speaking, the first thing and last thing that you see of another person that you’re interacting with. When you enter into that interaction and when you leave that interaction and the image of the person’s eyes always stays with you when you’re recalling that person.

Ears, because without them you cannot hear music…Honorable mention to bums though.

Oh jeez, on me or other people?...I like hands.

I once dated a guy with really beautiful hands.

And a really unimpressive penis. Why do I love hands? I don’t know. You do stuff with them.

Feel things.

Jeez. Hm. I guess the hands because there’s simply so much you can do with them.

Probably my hands. My favourite part is the

hands and forearms, and I think that’s because in grade 11, or apropos of nothing, I think in German class my friend Anna was sitting in front of me and she turned around and she like grabbed my hands and was just like, “I really like your forearms! I really like your hands!” And I’d never thought about them before and after that sometimes I look at them, and other people will say things about my hands and forearms that are really nice, and then I look at other people’s hands and forearms and think “Oh maybe this is just, like, a really nice proportion.”

But as soon as it gets to right here (points to elbow) then I like it less.

Wrists. Just because I think they’re really elegant and I like looking at them and I think people don’t usually notice them.

On myself or on others? Generally? (laughs) I think legs. Cause they’re really sturdy and they hold you up and they’re powerful and they get you places and you have this strength from your legs. That’s what I think.

The hips. Because they tell a lot about how a person holds themselves in their body and how they choose to move. So, the hip area on anyone is something that I am always drawn to intuitively to read their body. Because watching someone move can tell you everything about their personality. Especially if you get to see them dance. That’s even better. Because then it’s just like--I’ve seen people who, you know, for all intents and purposes are, like, gorgeous beautiful people and then you watch them dance and they’re, like, awkward. And it’s just like, “Oh this is interesting. You’re not connected to your body at all. But you’re presenting this, but you’re really this.” Right? So, the hips, I mean--and I guess this is also, you know, part of my training in the Chinese martial arts, the hip area or the root of the body is where you determine where a person’s strengths are. So, part of that has definitely influenced, you know, apart from the fact that on women I find hips just incredibly sexy.

Oh that’s a hard one. I really like elbows.

They’re awesome. Yeah. Just think about it.

Do you mean my specific body, or? Okay, aesthetically, I like a good back. Because I work with dancers a lot and they often have very defined back muscles. I’ve learned to appreciate a good back. Not a sexual thing or anything, just aesthetic.

I’ve always had a thing for hands. I think they’re really fascinating, and for me they’re also very useful, obviously. Um, yeah, I really like how structurally different they are and the story they tell about what people have been doing in their lives. Bodies in general are interesting in that how different all of them are. And hands are just an exponent of that. I used to like trying to identifying people by what they’re hands looked like.

My organs remind me of who I am and I am grateful!

Hm. My personal favourite body part that I have is probably my mouth because I like to eat things and taste them.

Like on me or on other people? I don’t think I can say that I have a favourite body part.

They’re all good for something. I don’t know, I don’t think I have a favourite. I mean they all kind of serve a purpose, don’t they? Yeah, I have no favourite. Sorry! I can’t be like “this is the best body part!” You know, it seems like it would be really easy to say “clit” or “penis” or--you know what I mean? Or “the G-spot.”

You know, something like that, it would be really easy to say something, but--or like “the eyes because I can see the world!” Note the hint of sarcasm. Or like, “My ears so I can hear beautiful music!” But really they all function together. Without my brain I wouldn’t be able to speak, without my eyes my brain wouldn’t be able to receive the picture, so it all works together, so… I can’t say that there’s a favourite. My least favourite is my sinuses right now.

I collect bottles, cans, and other beerdrinking paraphernalia from Winnipeg brewing institutions. Up there you see all the bottles? Those are all my bottles and cans…I guess I’m supposed to be working on my presentation right now but oh well.

Sometimes you gotta answer questions.

Musical instruments Tools and materials for making things.

I love really cheesy pick-up lines. I really collect them. I even have one about Pokemon. “Baby, are you a Pokemon?

Because I choose you.” It’s really bad, I know. But yep, I collect pick-up lines.

I’ve been collecting guitar picks from stages all around Belgium. In total, I think I have like 300 of about 100 different bands.

I don’t collect anything, I don’t think. Not

consciously.

Would it be weird to be like, I collect people? I just meet so many people and I like pretty much all of them. I just always feel like I’m meeting more and more people and can always have more and I like being in touch with them.

I like stones. Here’s some fluorite. More fluorite. I got my quartz cluster right here.

I love labradorite. I’ve got three or four stones next to my pillow, that I’ll like, you know, curl up with. Yeah, my body just relaxes like ‘that’ now with labradorite. But yeah, I generally collect stones. And good people. Those are my two favourite things to collect.

T-shirts and badges and souvenir condoms. And tiny animals and quotes that inspire me. But not like inspirational quotes. Like Steven King quotes and cool

stuff. And musical instruments.

Problems. Emails. I collect single malt whiskeys. I have collected ex-tenants. I’ve got quite a few of them from my old house.

Friends. That’s about it.

Hm. I don’t think I really collect anything, like in terms of a collection. I used to buy a lot of books, but then I had a lot of books that I bought that I didn’t read. So I kind of stopped buying books until I finished the ones I had, which hasn’t happened yet. I have a lot of art supplies. But I wouldn’t say that I collect them. Like, I buy them so that I can use them. When I think about collecting things I think about being like “I need to acquire this just so I can have it.” And I don’t really do that, like, I don’t have a lot of the things that I have just to say I have more things like the things that I already have.

Well I don’t really collect anything at all. I mean, I do buy or get my hands on books.

Many things. In terms of material life, I collect shoes. I do not generally take pictures when I travel. I buy shoes as my sort of souvenirs or travel memories. I think I have a pair of shoes from--maybe not every city that I’ve been to, but definitely every country that I’ve been to. And I actually can remember exactly what was happening around me, the circumstances, what happened during that day. I can recall all of that by looking at that pair of shoes or putting on that pair of shoes.

Scarves, I have a fondness of scarves.

Not for any particular profound reason.

Mostly aesthetic. So okay, scarves… glasses, spectacles. I treat my spectacles as a fashion statement. Because they are framing the first thing that people see

when they enter an interaction with you.

And so immediately with my choice of glasses I’m able to communicate something about who I am and about my personality to that individual who is entering into that interaction with me. Um…and the last thing would be experiences, which is the reason, as previously mentioned, that I do not take pictures when I travel because I feel like the camera ends up getting in the way of actually being able to experience the place that you’re in.

Yarn. Essential oils. Bath products. Beads.

Things I hate about myself. Things I hate about other people. My best friend’s photographs. DVDs. Crystals/stones.

Jewelry. Cardigans. Tights. Obsolete electronic equipment. Old essays and school assignments.

I used to collect redheads. I used to have a lot of redheaded people in my life. Now I collect….Onions. Old lady stuff. My house is full of old lady things. Like doilies. And crocheted armrest thingies, you know?

Stuff. But really it’s old lady stuff.

Rubbish, mostly. Stories, probably, truthfully. Because I think that stories are important and because Iike them. But, lots of things. Waifs and strays, you know?

Ideas, you know? Clutter. (laughs)

I felt unsafe when I was standing on the edge of a subway platform and a train went past and I remembered that 150 people commit suicide on the subway each year and I was a little unnerved. That was yesterday?

When I was walking in Molenbeek. (laughs) Because, I don’t know, it’s just scary and I heard there are people who got car-jacked in daylight. And around that neighbourhood, like from Molenbeek to where I was going to, it’s supposedly quite well-to-do because they have all the boutiques and stuff like that. So yeah, it’s just all around that area. Ok, I guess Brussels just makes me feel unsafe. There was even an interview once about this woman--she was just walking around Brussels and she did a recording-- you know about that right? All the catcalls she got—yeah, it makes me feel unsafe.

Last week driving on the icy streets of Winnipeg.

Ugh. Um, this morning, walking to work. I was really hung over. So I felt vulnerable out on Portage Avenue.

Well, I could say anytime I get in the car with my brother, but that’s not really fair. I think the last time I felt deeply unsafe was the first time I travelled by myself, and I was standing waiting for people in Barcelona. And it’s one of those cities where people are really keen on telling you how dangerous it is, or dangerous in the sense that you’ll get robbed. Like, it seemed like a really chaotic, weird place, so I was standing up against the wall of a train station, just really on edge. Part of it being by myself in that environment for the first time was a little unnerving, and, yeah, this was in May of 2010.

Five minutes ago when you asked me what body part I love! (laughs) [I’m sorry!] No, no, that’s fine. Um…I equate unsafe and vulnerability at the present moment,

which I know is, like, a fallacy. I know vulnerability-- I could feel really safe with it. But I don’t feel safe with it.

So, like the last time I felt unsafe was one second ago.

Like, it’s perpetual. I have a constant feeling of feeling really vulnerable. So, yeah, I guess one second ago…one second ago…one second ago…one second ago…one second ago…one second ago…right now…one second ago and right now!

That’s a really difficult question for me. I don’t know, I guess I would say, mm, no I don’t think so. Cause I’m thinking of the different ways you can feel unsafe. You can feel unsafe physically, you can feel unsafe emotionally, you can feel unsafe a bunch of different ways. And the answer can just be “when”, I don’t have to elaborate? [It’s totally up to you.] I wanna say, like, two months ago.

Umm… Just Winnipeg in general I think. It hadn’t occurred to me that I felt perpetually unsafe where I was until I left and resettled in a place where I actually found that feeling where a lack of safety was alleviated and I actually did feel safe. And to have that experience, it helps you to--there was a marked difference I guess in the way that I felt and it was that noticeable in that it actually sort of gave me pause and could help me to reflect on that subject. Because it’s kind of amazing how used to unacceptable circumstances we can become when we are forced to contend with them in perpetuity. You sort of become reconditioned to functioning within an inadequate environment, functioning within an environment that is inadequate to meeting your individual needs as a human being. And so, yeah, the last time I felt unsafe was in Winnipeg and I guess right before I stepped onto the plane to leave. Six months? Five or six months? …God, when was the last time I didn’t feel safe? Well physically, I can’t remember the last time. Even the

couple times I’ve actually gotten into fights and had to defend myself, I entered sort of that whole twilight zone and everything was, you know, cooled and kinesthetic.

And there wasn’t any fear there at all. I mean, for me, the feeling of not being safe generally has more to do with financial safety than anything else. And that has a lot to do with being able to provide for myself, which is, like, a stupidly huge thing. And being able to do the things that I like as a result of that safety and for me being able to provide for myself means that I can do what I want. So that’s probably the biggest thing that’s been a general sense of unease for the last twelve years, so I’ve kinda gotten used to it. And, I mean, there are also different aspects to that because that’s sort of more of a fear-versus-strength dichotomy, where you have the insecurity of not -- for me it would be, like, not being able to provide for myself, but also the dichotomy of being able to observe that fear and look at it and go, “Oh, it’s more of this,” right? And in some ways the actual active choice to look at that insecurity feels even more unsafe than that actual insecurity. Right? So anytime I actually look inside, my limited brain freaks out and goes, “Oh my god! We’re not safe! Don’t look there!” So. Yeah.

I don’t actually know if this was the last time, but it’s the first one that comes to mind. It would’ve been maybe 2 years ago? Maybe 3 years ago, I got beat up coming home from work once and then for a while after that I just got nervous walking around sometimes, whether it was the night- or daytime. And I remember walking west down Westminster, close to where the Food Fare is on the other side of Westminster Church on Maryland, crossing that intersection--on the north side of the intersection going west. And there was a guy somewhere close behind me. I think I was with one or two other people and I just remember thinking, “Oh. I feel nervous.” So I think I got beat up about three years ago, or four years ago, and for about a year or two after that. So it was probably about two years ago, maybe three that I last felt threatened, unsafe.

Unsafe… I mean, everybody feels unsafe on a daily basis, but I’ve been in close contact with deadly situations a number of times at work so I guess it puts it into perspective. I think the last time I really was afraid for my life was when I was working and I had a tooth infection and I had to take antibiotics that made me dizzy and half-asleep. And there was this stage that we had to take down and there was an air bridge that we had to climb over and start breaking it down from the middle to the ends, which meant that at one point, this thing was moving and floating, and I didn’t trust myself to make the right decision because I wasn’t really awake. So I was really expecting to fall to my death, like, at any second.

Like, really afraid. To answer your question, that was last summer. [I’m glad you survived.] Thank you. So am I. I’ve been feeling safe pretty often lately actually. Actually I

have to think about that cause it’s been a while since I’ve felt, like, truly unsafe. I’m gonna go with the plane ride that I took for Christmas, I was on a very small plane and I don’t really like flying. But that was the ride there. The ride back I kind of knew more of what to expect so even though I was scared on the way home, I felt safe, like I kind of knew I was safe, but I didn’t know what to expect on the way there so it’s just like, “Ah why are all these sounds happening? Why are we moving so much? Oh my god! Intertwining between mountains--no wait, we’re flying into the valley! Aaah!” There was a row of one seat on one side of the plane, and then two seats on the other side of the plane, and then there was a propeller on the front. Yeah it just made me nervous. I liked it better on the way back.

Cycling down a hill at 48 and a half miles an hour on my bike just outside Hawes. I decided to let rip on the bike because I don’t often get a chance. And I saw the speedo hit 40 and I thought, right this doesn’t feel--I’ve got no control now. If a sheep run out in front of the road, quite possible—and the speedo kept going up, kept going up.

I couldn’t look at the speedo in the end cause I just had to hold down rigid--hold the bike. And hope for the best.

And afterwards it said 48 and a half miles an hour, top speed. That was about 18 months ago. Apart from having dreams where there’s--occasionally I have a dream that there’s an intruder in the house. And that puts the fear of God into me. I’ve always been shit-scared of waking up with a burglar in the house.

I slept outside for the first time in my life probably when I moved to Manchester. No money, nothing. I had to go to the job office and because I didn’t have a job or a place or almost no money, really ‘homeless’ was the option. I was ,like, well, technically I’m staying with a friend. But it was a shock. I dunno.

The last time, um…I don’t know that, well--I haven’t recently felt unsafe. I have occasionally--I think there are different kinds of unsafe, okay? There’s kind of physically unsafe. I think occasionally I’ve found myself in bits of cities or whatever, when it’s, you know, kinda dark and I don’t know where I am and, you know, kind of felt a bit threatening. Usually they’re not as threatening as you think they are, but you know, it’s the strangeness. Unsafe in other ways is usually, I suppose, when you’re not sure what is going to happen next and you feel out of control of it. And I think that occasionally happens to people, like in their work or their life that. For me, when it’s happened, I usually then try and find some way of taking back control.

So I suppose, if I feel that things are completely beyond my control, then I feel unsafe. Also, like, I go walking in the mountains and I have no head for heights so sometimes I can find myself doing something that feels very unsafe, and I don’t literally close my eyes but I kind of, like, zone out of everything around me and put one foot in front of another until I come out the other side of it.

So I don’t know…what is unsafe?

Awh that’s so hard! Awwgh… You know it’s not technically my favourite anymore probably but I was brought up with this thing called Cindy’s Macaroni. And it’s, like, pasta with a can of condensed Campbell’s tomato soup and a bunch of cheese, just all mixed in together and it’s really delicious, cause I grew up on it. One of my brother’s friends’ moms made it when we lived in Vernon. And my mom got the recipe from her and it was always a kind of staple in the house.

And so it’s not really my favourite anymore, but it’s, like, a comforting food. Reminds me of family.

I’ve shared it with pretty much everyone that I feel close enough with that they wouldn’t judge me for eating that.

to me like, “You haven’t had this in so long.”

Pizza because it’s just good and because it’s easy to come by.

I really like sushi because-- I used to not appreciate it actually, but…I don’t know when I started liking it but maybe because there’s a point when you try to show your friends that you can appreciate sushi also and you start eating it and you don’t know why but you start liking it.

I don’t know--right now I want to say alcohol!

[Why?] Cause it’s a lot of fun, I guess. And I feel more able to let myself go, especially when I’m working at a job or for school I won’t be as relaxed, it won’t feel as creative to me. When I’m doing creative work, I feel way better about it, cause it flows a lot more, life flows better. So the more work that I’m doing, the more I feel like I want something to flow, such as the sweet sweet nectar out of the keg as the tap is tapped!

Food-wise…I don’t’ know, fruit? Cause it’s refreshing and sweet, and I don’t feel gross after eating a lot of fruit. It’s fairly healthy unless you have really bad diabetes. I don’t know if that’s true, but maybe it just kinda feels like it right now. I used to say it was nuts and fruit and chocolate. And now I’m leaning more towards fruit. Celery is also high up on the list. Oh and whatever food I order at falafel house, Falafel Palace on Corydon.

Boy oh boy. Um…Wienerschnitzel is my favourite food. No joke. And there’s other things I like just as much, but just the scarcity of Austria-style Wienerschnitzel just suddenly came rushing back

I have to pick one?! (laughs) Hmm… Anything that tastes good. I mean personally, that’s’ sort of part of my Taurus personality but I’m a bit of a hedonist that way…Actually, you know what:

Pizza because it contains all the food groups!

Mennonite plumamousse. If there’s one thing that even just thinking about it evokes such incredible tastebud ghost-orgasms it would be plumamousse, my grandmother’s wild plum cold soup. Awgh.

The contrast of the bitterness--cause you know, you basically boil the plums in the water and you add the sugar and the milk and the flour and what happens is the flour coagulates in the rolling boiling water--and it turns into these little dough dumplings.

Awgh. And it’s just like…Awgh--and it’s so--My grandma would make this and she would make a whole batch separate for me aside from everything else she was gonna serve the family. I love Asian cuisine. Italian cuisine. Other edible things nonsustenance-wise would include the female body but that’s a whole different conversation.

I suppose I like food that you enjoy but also makes you feel good afterward. Seafood maybe.

Smoothies. Because they’re both extremely healthy and extremely tasty. And most foods seem to be only one or the other.

I have said in the past that if heaven existed, it would take the form of--for me--a hot shower and I’d be in the hot shower permanently and someone would pass me a bowl of strawberries and then maybe a bowl of fried mushrooms, like at half-intervals or something like that. [And why?]

Dunno. There’s a big joke amongst my friends, cause if I cook a mushroom omelette I have to cook the mushrooms in milk first. And nobody I know does that. And I suppose my mum always used to do it, and I absolutely loved that. I can gorge on strawberries. That’s why there are local strawberry plants in the garden.

Ice cream. I just like everything about it, there’s not really anything that I don’t like about ice cream.

Do you remember that blue licorice ice cream they used to have? I haven’t seen it in years and I used to love it. I wish I could still find it and I forgot it existed until just now. I loved that it was blue.

Tomatoes, plucked from the vine with a little salt.

Well, I like vegemite but I’m genetically programmed to like vegemite so that doesn’t really count. Pineapple’s good because it’s so refreshing but it’s acidic at the same time, so when you’re eating it, you’re like, ‘uh this so slowly destroying

me!” And that’s cool.

Scouse. (laughs) Just because it means something to me. It’s part of my childhood. It’s something I can make. It’s something I can share. It was originally for sharing and it feels, you know, there’s associations of community and history with it.

Sugar. I love that shit. It’s good shit. But I don’t know, food is difficult for me because of the gluten...

My grandmother used to make these little cookies and she would put these really deep thumbprints into them and fill them with raspberry jam and bake them. She shared my sweet tooth. She used to press very deep all the way down to the bottom of the cookie and then fill it with probably, like, a tablespoon of homemade raspberry jam. And you would bite into it and you would just see where the end of her thumbprint was --it was just a tiny little crust! I miss that. Every Christmas I miss that. And she hasn’t made them because I can’t eat them anymore. But she used to make them because she knew how much I liked them. So if there’s something that I really miss, it’s not just the food, but it’s the ritual of the food. The little--I don’t even know what they are! (laughs) They’re just really good! On the topic of raspberry jam, a close second comes disgusting white bread, with Kraft Smooth Peanut Butter on one side and Kraft Raspberry Jam on the other side and you put those sides together and you cut the crusts off and you have yourself a good time is what you have yourself! And I ate that everyday for lunch from kindergarten all the way, probably to like grade eight. I wouldn’t eat anything else for lunch.

Errgh! (laughs) I don’t know that I have a specific favourite food. I love food that’s not bland, but aside from that, food that is meant for sharing. Because, yeah, eating is--I say this coming from a sort of privileged lens, you know, as someone who can do so, eating is very much a social activity as opposed to doing so for sustenance. Things like tapas or piattini. Or Ethiopian platters, injera. Because it sort of sets the tone for your environment when you get together with good company and food that is both well made and satisfying and comforting all at once.

It creates a really safe environment to be able to enjoy your company.

(laughs) Probably a cat, I think. Not a dog because dogs are too dependent. Because generally, you know, cats manage to find a good life somewhere and retain their independence. (dog barks) (laughs) Just cause I said cat! (lets the dog out) (laughs) Um… I feel like I would be a large cat of some kind. Yeah, I guess. Something that has physical prowess and agility and fast instincts and fast reactionary…what’s it called. But yeah, fast reaction time. [Reflexes?] Reflexes, thank you. I’m tired. Um… Yeah, something that was a formidable hunter. Such as, I don’t know, like a jaguar or a panther or a leopard.

A duck. Because they look awesome, first of all. And also because the can swim in the water, fly in the air, and walk on land.

It’s a common question but I still don’t know. It’s hard to pick one. I guess, I’m gonna be cliché and say I’d like to be a bird so I can fly. Cause it really does seem like a great thing to get a higher perspective. [Is there a specific kind of bird you would be?] The one that lives the longest. A vulture, I guess.

When I was younger I would have been a bird or a wolfdog of some kind. And if it was a bird, probably would have been a parrot. And a wolf-dog would have been kind of like White Fang, if you ever read…? [nodding] Yeah, okay. And now, uh, a bird, I still like that idea, especially I love the idea of flying, soaring over vistas and looking down. My favourite dreams have always been flying dreams and I haven’t had a lot of them since

I was a kid. Maybe a year or two ago I had two or three flying dreams and they were awesome.

I would be a sloth. I think sloths are neat. They, like, I don’t know, kinda hang out. I’m also really fond of elephants. [Would you want to be an elephant?] The gestational period for an elephant is like 2 years. So if I were a lady elephant I would be pregnant, you know, for a while! And I think that would be awful. So maybe no.

I would be a wolf because they’re my favourite animal ever. They run in packs but there’s always the lone wolf and I just think they look beautiful and they’re so powerful, and, like, there’s this aesthetic to them that I really like. I grew up with a Husky too, so that probably influenced my perception of wolves. But I always thought they were beautiful, kind of misunderstood creatures.

Any animal? Mythological or real? Um, if I could be a mythological animal, I’d be Tianlong, the Dragon of the Heavens, from China. Cause then you’d be in commando of, you know, the Universe. You know, just a little bit of clout! And I’ve always been partial to wolves.

Wolves, bears, and eagles. Then there’s horses. Horses are so beautiful, oh my god. The ability to run like horses do is such a majestic thing, I’ve only met horses a few times and each time, it was both one of the most exhilarating and terrifying things I’ve ever experienced!

Being on a horse at full gallop—I had a natural high for like two weeks as a kid after that. Bears. I don’t know, they’re big, lumbering, sort of happy creatures unless you piss them off. Which is sort of me in a nutshell, from one angle. And wolves, it’s sort of one of those sort of family things, where, you know—that sense of

community of how protective wolves are about their family sort of strikes a real chord in me. Bears, for the same reason, you know, they’re very territorial and they’re very protective of their cubs. But, yeah, I like the whole social dynamic of a wolf pack and but also just, you know, even though there’s all these hierarchies, you’ve still got this profound sense of loyalty to the family, to the whole pack. Even if you have a wolf that goes out and does the lone wolf thing, they’re still part of that family, no matter how long they’ve gone! But yeah, or maybe a griffin. I mean, especially with all the real animals of the natural grace and the beauty of them being at one with nature is something that I find fascinating about animals in general. And Tianlong the Dragon is basically of the elements himself. So he has the entire Heavens at his command, but he’s very neutral in terms of just being the balancing pivot point of the swing of the pendulum of the cycles, of reality or however you want to put it. The flow of the Dao. Which is kind of cool.

A unicorn. Cause it’s like having a sword on your head!

Oh my god. And plus you can do magic.

A bird, cause you can fly...and if you’re creepy peep in windows.

Cat. Because they have a really good life. People love them so much and all they do is eat and sleep and get cuddled and get petted everyday. And you can be really mean also, but people will be like, “oh that’s the attitude of the cat.”

It probably has to be a reasonably top predator cause I couldn’t cope with the fear of being eaten by something else. So with that argument, maybe a shark. But then I read a report on the news yesterday saying that they reckon 100 million sharks are being killed a year for shark fin soup. Many of whom are caught, have their fins chopped off and then thrown back into the sea.

So maybe a shark wouldn’t be that good. But maybe something like an eagle because I’ve got shit eyesight, and it’d be quite nice to be eagle-eyed for a while. And us humans, it’s very hard for us to put ourselves into the brain of an animal that doesn’t speak and doesn’t have language and also has completely different sensory awareness of the world. So being able to spot a mouse from 500 metres away or whatever eagles can, it’s something we can’t get our heads around. You can say that for any insect or mammal or anything. But it’d have to be a top predator. Cause otherwise, the risk of being all ripped apart by something bigger…

Let’s see. I would probably be a…I wish I just knew more about animals. I feel like I know too much about raccoons, but I don’t really want to be a raccoon. I think I’d be perfectly happy being a Sheppard dog. And this

counts for quite a few animals, but I really like the sense of community you get from those animals. I was thinking of answering ‘wolf’ first for the same reason. It’s just interesting to kind of observe the social hierarchy that goes on there. It all feels really structured, almost like a safe harbor type environment. It seems like one of those lives that is kind of based on communal trust in a way, or communal trust and respect in a certain system. So I think that’s always interesting to see. And I guess in a way that’s kind of what I miss in my own life. So I feel like if I could transform into an animal that’s what I would go for.

I like being human quite a bit. I like having electricity and the internet and, you know, good grooming that doesn’t involve licking each other. If I have to pick something other than a human, I think I’d like to be a platypus. They have venom in their feet. It’s weird. I dunno, they’re just such an odd animal, I don’t really know much about their lives though to be honest with you. I know a little bit about their physiology cause it’s odd, but I don’t know what they do in the day-to-day. Monkeys also seem like they have it pretty good, depending on the type of monkey. Did I tell you my cat killed a bird yesterday?

[No.] He just left its corpse just right outside, in front of his cathouse. In any case, truly awful. My cat’s a murderer. Or as I’ve been calling him lately: “a birderer.”

Anyway, cats also seem to have a pretty sweet life so I’d like to also be a cat.

Real or fictional? Extinct or not?…They have these bacteria at the bottom of the ocean that, like, feed on sulphur. And they’re always near these crevasses where lava comes up and the magma is right underneath you, kind of bubbling. And so they have to be able to feed off these gases in order to survive. And I’d want to be this bacteria because I think it’s the only thing that--like, it’s so deep in the ocean that man can’t really fuck around with it too much, you know? And it’s in these deep deep places where nobody ever goes and it really gets to be left alone and has a lot of autonomy because nothing else can really survive. If they can’t think of any use for this bacteria, they can’t harvest the bacteria--you know what I mean? There’s not a lot they can do to it and it’ll kind of persist. So I think I’d like to be that bacteria. I think that’d be great. Because you get to be closer to something like lava and magma--which, I mean, could kill you any second, but any animal could go at any time. But you get to be really close to an experience that most other creatures can’t handle, you can endure what other creatures can’t. And you’re really unique in what you feed off of and what is natural to you, and because you have the autonomy that you have in your own little world, you know? I’d want to be one of these bacteria. I don’t know what they’re called! But I want to be one of them! And plus cause it’s underwater so it’s like being in a bath your whole life! And I enjoy my baths, so...

At present in my work situation I frequently feel blocked. But I think that’s a condition of the organisation. Like a lot of the organisations, it has become risk-averse and kind of, you know, non-creative. And so, creative solutions get blocked.

I suppose, it depends on the definition of “blocked.” There’s a kind of physical block in the sense of things that you want to do that are then blocked. I have felt creative blocks at different times, like if things don’t seem to work or, you know, you can’t find ideas or whatever, but usually they’re temporary and drink helps!

Last time I tried to write a song. Got over it though.

I feel blocked quite often. It’s not like really blocked, but-you choose to be blocked, I suppose. When I’m affected emotionally though, I find it quite difficult to move on. Like, when I split from my last long relationship, last year, I find--I mean, like, I’m constantly in a state that I’m not comfortable.

I think--when things don’t go how I’m expecting them to, I never blame anyone else. Whatever it is, I always always blame myself. I’m always very analytic in that I can always tell exactly what went wrong and why and it’s always something I could have done better. I have a really good memory as well.

When I was writing my thesis! I hated that shit! I just couldn’t get any words down. Deadlines and, like, the will to finish and get the fuck out of Victoria empowered me to keep going and eventually defeat the block.

I get blocked creatively on a regular basis. Sometimes it’s self-doubt where I prevent myself from going on. Sometimes deliberately because I know that I’ll write crap if I force myself to continue. And also inadvertently because you sort of seize at the prospect of more empty pages when you are contending with self-doubt. I also get blocked creatively when I am trying to force a project. So when that happens then I sort of have to check in with myself and figure out which form of creative blockage I am contending with. And oftentimes it’s me trying to force the work in a direction that

it should not be going in, so I sort of have to backtrack and then I can continue. Self-doubt is a much more difficult thing to rectify within oneself…I think the last time I felt emotionally blocked or spiritually blocked would be when I was in Winnipeg. Not just the city itself but it’s the fact that I surrounded myself with people who were not conducive to emotional and spiritual growth. And so that growth stagnates, and so you feel blocked when you’re in the trenches trying to figure out why the hell your life isn’t moving forward when you would like it to. I probably felt blocked over the course of maybe three and a half years before I finally figured out what the hell my problem was.

And yeah, it’s kind of an interesting thing to realise, that you’re in an environment that is inadequate to your needs but also that you yourself are responsible for being there.

It’s one of those face-palm moments but it’s also a relief because you realise that there is something you can do about it, so you do.

Every day that I go into the office I feel blocked because I have to close off sides of myself, the parts of myself that are an enlightened and intelligent human being. Otherwise I’ll hear all day “Well you’re really smart, so you probably won’t care about this” and people have these assumptions about me based on their own insecurities. I was giving a workshop yesterday and I said, “This really forces me to examine my own privilege” and I don’t think that anybody understood what I was saying. And I think they were like, “Wow that girl thinks she comes from a privileged background.” But you could tell, the room was kind of silent like they didn’t understand what I was saying and so I feel-in communication--misunderstood a lot of the time because if I speak the way I’d like to speak or the way I’m capable of speaking, people find it very confusing or very intimidating.

So sometimes I feel personally blocked by that like I have to pretend to be less smart or I have to use language that I wouldn’t use otherwise. I know the word, there’s a sevenletter-word I could use but I have to use a sentence instead, because that one seven-letter-word is gonna shut the other person down. So I feel blocked on a daily basis. Like, I can’t

really express myself, I can’t really say what I want to say.

Quite recently actually because I was struggling with my master’s project. It was this comic I was working on but after I while I realised that I just didn’t feel for the story anymore and I just couldn’t. I think it just lost its relevance to me, or something. I was trying to figure out what do with it, and “okay, I’ll work on it later”--and so that’s when I felt really really stuck. I just want to do something that-- I feel that if there’s something that means a lot to me then it would be more powerful and it would affect someone else. So when I say it ‘lost its relevance for me’ I felt like I couldn’t do anything which would feel moving or powerful for others also. So yeah, I was really really stuck. And then I decided to work on my new project! So that’s when I got out of that pit-hole.

I’m working on Disney on Ice right now, and I’m working backstage. And, so there’s about 30 skaters working there.

All the girls are very good looking, of course. When they come on the ice, they always do a few practice rounds backstage, dead in front of us. And I have a few colleagues who are openly staring, which I find personally very rude.

So I’m trying hard not to stare, but there’s this one point where all the characters show up back stage, doing stunts and just having fun. And it’s really hard not to look, or to find a place to look at that doesn’t involve half-naked chicks. So I’m trying not to be rude and not to be awkward, and usually I end up being both.

Well, I’d say it was a minor moment of blockage but about a week ago I was deciding for this presentation, whether it was gonna be comparing the opening of these different museums to now, how they view their interaction with the public. And originally I was gonna look at six different institutions and then I paired that down to one. And while I was pairing it down I felt like, “Ugh! How am I gonna choose one of these!?” And the way that I chose it was, I was searching for books at the library for the Louvre and I looked at the library hours and I was like, “Oh, it closes in half an hour! I don’t have time to look for the other books.” Are you familiar with theories of the sublime at all? I’m doing a class right now on the sublime, so…We’re learning different theorists’ ideas of the sublime, so we’re reading Edmund Burk’s theory, or Emmanuel Kant’s theory, or Colridge’s theory, blablabla. And for--I’m supposed to remember this, but I don’t. But for some theorists there’s a moment of blockage, which is supposed to be an important part of the sublime. There was nothing really sublime about me figuring out that I was gonna do my presentation on the Louvre. But if you have any questions about the sublime, let me know, cause I’m reading about it intensely.

I feel kind of blocked up right now. I ate a lot of macaroni salad in Hawaii.

I’ve been feeling that a little bit these past few weeks actually, just that slightly debilitating feeling of doing something very selfish like travelling for three months but having to deal with issues and having to constantly be at

people’s throats almost. It’s something I do not like, is to be confrontational with people. Because I oftentimes do not really understand why we have gotten to the point where we don’t talk to each other anymore, we just put everything in contract and then we use that as a framework to be like, ‘well, clearly not my problem!’ And now I’m kind of dealing with stuff that I really would rather not deal with. I’m not the most active person out there but it cuts into my willingness to do things outside of my immediate concerns and I’d say it’s made these few weeks and the upcoming few weeks a little harrowing for me.

In my marriage. End of story. There wasn’t any room for anything creative or writing or even space to think because I was constantly in crisis management. Definitely. Definitely.

Fuck. It was--you’ve never read the Dune series, eh?

God Emperor of Dune epitomises my experience and my learning process as a result of my marriage. Hands fucking down, pardon my language. The concepts, the way Frank Herbert uses concepts, social, psychological, the expansion of awareness on such a large scale as a cultural event and the exploration of the messianic concepts in human realm of reality is really really profound and you know politics, religion, sex, physical training, it’s just like…man, I need to read those books again. Yeah short answer: my marriage.

I would say I’ve always quite regularly felt blocked because I’m probably quite an anxious person so--I suppose you would mean, like, freeze when things don’t go as I expected or that don’t go the way I want them to go. And I suppose that causes a bit of a mental block, mainly due to a mental overload or some kind of dissonance or stress or something. That’s possibly not the right use of the word ‘blocked’ but part of your doing this is to see what people associate with the word ‘block.’ Some people might say that they’re constipated. I didn’t see it like that. But then I’m not, you know, anally retentive or constipated.

On the subway again because it was so--gah, I hate it so much and everyone’s just stupid and has B.O. and stands in my way.

As an actor when I was told to stand in a certain spot.

I always feel blocked. Right now.

I’ve been trying to focus on my creative endeavors and I’ve been feeling really like I’m not getting where I want to be as fast as I would like. I just kind of wish I didn’t have to spend my time working at a job where I feel like I don’t really get anything out of it. Well, obviously I get something out of it, like I can pay my rent. Like it means I can support myself, but that’s about it. And a lot of things I want to do and I don’t have the time to spend on everything I want to do, so I just have to pick and choose. And there’s other things that I’ll focus on later I guess. Blocked.

Places with trees and water together. Sometimes I take my children to walk by the river just so I can stand under trees. You know, cause I need to. So, yeah, that’s my favourite place to be. Under trees.

I like serene landscapes a lot, where there’s not really any people around. It would be okay if there’s, like, one other person. But yeah…ah, I’ve never said this to anybody before: on the west side of the city, close to Headingly-do you know where Nick’s Inn is? [No.] I don’t actually remember: were you born in Winnipeg? [Nope. I moved there when I was five.] Okay. So on the west side of the city is a little restaurant called Nick’s Inn. You drive ten minutes west of Winnipeg on the Number One Highway, and then if you turn south at Nick’s Inn, you’ll eventually cut into Roblin. Close to Roblin there’s this river, I guess it’s the Assiniboine. It goes alongside Roblin, there’s train tracks across there. So on, like, a really nice summer day in the evening around like 7 o’clock, if it’s blue sky, green grass, 25 degrees outside--that is one of my favourite spots. I also really like hot, dry, dusty country. No one around. I like the desert. In terms of a soundscape--I worked in Banff for a very short time. And then, as the train would go through the valley in the morning and it would--”twooot woooot!”--echo off of all the mountains and it would just keep going and going and wash over the valley. And I also really like big cities. So, the opposite of the open countryside. I really like being in New York. I didn’t go to any of the, like, important things. I just walked around, rode the subway, and ate food and talked to people. I just liked the city, I liked how big it was. Oh, there is one other place. And this is also something I’ve never told anyone, as far as I can remember. When I used to live with my mom and dad, they live on the west side of the city. Along Sturgeon Creek is where I would walk the family dog. And because I went alone, it became like a special place because I was only ever there by myself.

But, uh, if—yeah, I would never go there with a girl unless I was pretty sure I was gonna marry her. And so that’s, like, a very special place. [Do you still go there by yourself sometimes?] Almost never. Only if I’m walking my

brother’s dog when he’s not able to.

In my garden, in Australia, and there’s an oak tree and it llike really ancient and giant. And my favourite place is in that oak tree.

My basement. That’s where I keep the things I collect Geographically I guess Amsterdam. But I think it’s a lot to do with the people I met there. I feel like my favourite place could be anywhere as long as it’s with the right people and the right kind of situation where, like, a few close friends, like, having a meal together and just talking and relaxing and there’s some music--yeah, that’s my favourite place of all! Some wine, people are getting tipsy and, yeah, I really like that. So more like a situation, I guess, than a geographical location.

Whenever I’m with someone that makes me feel complete. That’s my favourite place. It’s a place in terms of--where you have someone next to you.

Up top. Ever since I started working. I used to be afraid of heights, but I’m not anymore. I learned to look at scaffolding a different way. It feels much more comfortable climbing scaffolding so I grew into this hobby of climbing scaffolding all around the city. And it really is a very cool place to be. Sometimes you can really look down on the city, on the rooftops and really feel privileged. Cause you see the whole city, the hustle of everybody rushing to work or doing whatever. And you’re just sitting there regarding it, as if you were elevated, figuratively as well as literally. I really feel privileged at that time, so to me that’s the best place you could be.

My favourite place probably in the world is in my hometown on Cartwright Mountain and it’s this little path that you go around in order to get to this little nole area and you just walk up that and it’s all grassy and you can see the whole town below you and the lake and everything. But my favourite part is this little wooded--it

reminds me of this little fairyland--I always thought fairies lived there when I was growing up. There’s this little stream that runs through it, all that kinda stuff. It’s just really cute. Just this little sweet, natural area.

In the train. I love travelling, going somewhere new. So I guess my favourite place is on the way to somewhere else. Otherwise, my favourite place to visit is Slovenia, so then perhaps the best place would be in the train on the way to Slovenia.

I got a couple answers to that. One would be my parents’ place out in the country, where I grew up. The second one would have to be the Winnipeg Folk Festival. Um…third would be the place I go to when I go inside myself, when I sit with myself. And then there’s sort of another place that’s being able to be in a space where I can cuddle with someone. They’re sort of all tied for first place really.

I think--well that’s difficult because there are different places for different things, and I think…well in terms of places to live, then if I could, like, ideally I would probably split my time between several places, and they probably would include Edinburgh, Liverpool, and Seville. For different reasons. Also, the house, here, you know?

Because it’s a good place. And sometimes it’s just nice to retreat into your shell! So I guess that might be called a favourite place sometimes. But I think I’ve been too much of a traveller, or lived in different places, now it becomes difficult to, like, find just one place. Also I think to some extent it’s the wrong question because it’s--like, people are more important than places so quite often it’s “where are the people?” rather than “what is the place?”

I would always say, well, you can’t have a favourite song, or you can’t have a favourite place. You have numerous places that you love, and numerous songs that you love.

But, you asked the question so. Favourite place. Possibly sat at the piano. Sat on the seat of my bike in the middle of the country, miles from anywhere. In a boat in the middle of a really remote lake in Scotland, fishing. That’s quite nice. Which is strange cause all of those things that I’ve said are very solitary things and I am not a loner in any way. I need people. I could equally say, you know, hiring a house as I’ve done a couple of times and having all my favourite friends there, you know--who wouldn’t? I suppose that’s my favourite place. That’s obvious. Or you know, having a meal with family, you know, the standard thing. I suppose equally there are other things that aren’t connected with people that I would like to do. Granted I would probably like to be in the middle of nowhere with all my favourite friends, but they don’t like cycling or fishing.

So I have to go and do it on my own usually. So that’s more the reason. The solitude can be nice sometimes, but it’s not the sole reason I’ve picked those. And there’s only so many people you can sit at a piano anyway. Without it sounding rubbish.

My favourite place right now would have to be…as in places that I do go to on a regular basis would have to be the Citadel Park right here by my house in summer or spring. Favourite place I’ve been to at least once… uh…maybe Washington Square Park in New York City.

It was just a very nice environment full of people playing music and…. In a city that’s just overflowing with stress and people that are constantly on the go and maddening traffic and noise. There’s quite a few little oases of calm and/or general unwinding in New York City and I think Washington Square Park really combines that in a nice way. It’s got, like, a fountain in the middle, which, when I was there, was empty and they put a piano in the middle.

And there’s just a guy playing the piano in a fountain.

My bed or my couch.

Rrrgh! There’s a lot of places that I like… Lately I like being at home quite a bit. I really like a lot of the time that I’ve spent travelling. But I guess, I like the beach quite a bit. And I like hiking in the woods quite a bit. Yeah, I’d have to say my favourite place is at home lately. I’m comfortable, I like being here. (sighs) (laughs) Um…It would be Pétrusse Valley that cuts through Luxembourg city because Luxembourg city is this strange paradox. It’s kind of a government-ised sort of town because it’s sort of where the European parliament is and all that good stuff. And also, it’s a sort of bustling capital city, it’s got a great art scene, all that stuff. But yeah, it’s kind of paradoxical because, especially during the work-week, it can feel like this fantastic sort of bustling European metropolis and it’s not, it’s tiny. But it’s a very fast-paced city. Um, but through it cuts the Pétrusse Valley, which is this serene sort of bit of countryside that just cuts straight through the middle of the city and there are stone steps that you can go down every few hundred metres or so, when you are walking through the city centre and you can get away from all of the activity and get away from all the flashing lights and the hoopla, all of that. Um…And so I love the city itself as a whole because of how incredibly well-balanced it is as a result of that kind of geographical situation. It’s this weird sort of urban getaway where you’re able to get away from the hustle of the city within a matter of seconds just by going down these steps and just sort of screw your head back on.

Um…And regain that sense of balance for yourself. From what I have experienced of it anyways …Luxembourg in general, yeah. It’s a great conductor for mental health. As a result of it being so conducive to finding balance as a human being. Which is why I am so deeply in love with the place. That’s my answer.

(laughs) Oh. Well, on one level, lots of things but not to the extent of letting affect me. Really afraid, I think probably becoming a vegetable, or Alzheimer’s, you know? Or something that, you know--not necessarily afraid of losing physical functions but of no longer being me.

probably the thing that scares me the most.

I’m afraid of somebody taking my children away from me.

Ghosts. European citizens don’t know the dangers! Just last night I was Skyping my friend at night, we were on video chat so she could see what’s going on behind me.

And suddenly she said, “Who is that behind you?” And I was alone in the room and I swear I freaked out like crazy But why am I so scared about it? I guess being from a country where it’s very superstitious in some sense. Like, there are a lot of rituals, a lot of different religions and they practice it very openly. It just feels very real to me, like the idea of a spirit and evil spirits and things like that. I feel like it can really affect your mood or possess you or something.

That’s why I’m really scared because it’s basically a power you can’t even control. It’s not something you can solve, it’s just something irrational.

Not a lot. I think my greatest fear is that people will hear my internal monologue which is, um, far less assertive and far more self-doubting and self-deprecating than I appear outwardly, I guess. Which is just ironic because I often blurt out my internal monologue because I know that it’s the only way that people will have any sense of who I am really, because I am so stoic and because I am someone who does not generally display a great deal of emotion. And that’s not something that I do calculatedly, to not display a great deal of emotion, I just don’t, that’s my demeanor, to appear very centered. And so I do find myself often speaking my internal monologue or blurting it out for everyone to hear and as a result of that--it’s sort of a weird defense mechanism that I have. But still I’m deathly afraid that people will actually listen to it I think because there is some sense of when I do blurt things out, people who are actually listening, they sort of hear it but they don’t actually believe me. And so there’s some safety in that because I can shout it from the rooftops but I still walk away unscathed because nobody’s paying attention to--to my truth. I guess that, yeah, I’m afraid that people will pay attention to my truth. And so I continue to blurt out my internal monologue because I feel as though if I stop then people will start to pay attention. Then people will start to take it seriously.

I guess I’m afraid of wasting time. There’s probably something more that that, hold on… No, yeah, I’m afraid of wasting my time.

Myself. My illusions and my delusions and my conditioned perception of reality and not being able to agress it is

Routine. I see and hear about people getting stuck in their lives and they’re helpless to do anything to change it. And I’m afraid of this happening to me.

If there’s one thing I am truly afraid of, it’s dying. There was this moment, when I was in the army for two years and we were doing target practice. And after you’re done you have to go to the targets and cover your bullet holes and then go back. And it’s a 250-metre distance. And we came from the bunker on the way back and the next team is already in place with their rifles aimed at us. And the bullets were next to the gun so there’s no chance they could ever shoot us. Just looking into the barrel, I experienced this kind of fear I’ve never felt before or since. It was paralysing.

I couldn’t move or I couldn’t even just walk. It took a few moments to gather myself and just start putting one foot in front of the other, that’s how afraid I was. Even if there was no real danger, you know? But ever since, I know that I am terrified of dying. And all the rest is just a result of it, I suppose.

I’m afraid mostly of people calling me a fraud and it being

true. (laughs) Like, you know, like “oh you act so whatever, but really you’re not at all.” But I feel like I live genuinely enough that if somebody called me a fraud they’d be totally in the wrong. So that keeps me on track, that fear. (laughs) Bear attacks. Shark attacks. Big snake attacks. Spider attacks. (laughs) Big cats. Being burgled while I’m in the house. Standard death. The usual. I’m quite scared of failure, but I’m also quite rational so I can rationalise failure.

I can’t rationalise a bear putting its incredibly powerful jaws around my skull. But apart from that…only the usual things like bear attacks and death in general. But I wouldn’t say I’d have any fears that are unique to me. I’m quite boring on that front.

Oh, like, everything. (laughs) Yeah I’m afraid of so many things. I don’t really know how to elaborate on that to be honest with you. I mean there’s not really anything I’m afraid of on a daily basis. There’s certain things that come up sometimes, like flying for instance. Which of course, I’ve thought about it and I know it’s safer than other things, it’s just that feeling like you can’t do anything. If something were to happen, if there’s a malfunction, like, nothing that happens is in your control--that I find terrifying. Like at least if you’re in a car and it crashes, you have that illusion of control, like ‘Oh I could easily, like, jump out the window, crawl out of the wreckage’ or whatever. Like, there’s the illusion that you could do something. But if you’re, like, flying in a plane and something happens you just have to sit there and let it happen. That’s terrifying.

I am afraid of losing my hearing. That is a serious scare for me. Remember when that whole DJing thing happened in December? And when I woke up the next morn--afternoon, I had really…As I discovered rather late in the whole proceedings, I really misunderstood what all the switches did on the mixing desk. And yeah, I woke up and I was deaf in one ear, and … I remained calm. But I will read sometimes about people going to concerts, say they’re going to the sludge metal show and they’ll write these things like, “Ohmahgerd, it was so good! And for, like, 12 hours afterward it sounded like I was submerged in a swimming pool!” That sounds horrible! Why would you brag about that? I would never want that to happen to me. Despite all the shows I go to and all the loud music I attend or hear, it is one of the things that I’m kind of scared of. Because obviously hearing is very important to me. Hm, and other than that a lot of the stuff that you could say I’m scared about is just stuff I would not do anyway. So I remember when I was a kid, because I could never see what they were like or what exactly happened, I was always none too excited to go on any type of rollercoaster. So it’s gotten to a point where I’m not even scared now, but I have no interest in going on them. And there’s a few things like that, that kind of child frights that have kind of influenced what I know and what I will do now, without the feeling which is throatclenching scared. Also dying. No, not really.

I’m doing a lot of fear-based operating right now. Um. The things I’m really afraid of are: missing out on opportunities.

That I’ll never come out of this depression. And there’s definitely some things that I’m afraid of that I just have to accept, that will never go away, that I’ll always be dealing with this stuff. I’m afraid of getting hit by a car and having either of my parents be responsible for my well-being in any way, shape, or form. Are we doing a laundry list or do you want the top thing I’m afraid of? Alright, well, get yourself comfy! [I’m very comfy.] I’m afraid that I’m too old to be going into the industry that I’m going into. I’m afraid that I’ll never write a good story. I’m afraid that everyone, like, hates me, that everyone just tolerates me. I’m afraid of the first birthday that I have after my grandmother dies because she and I share a birthday and I don’t know how I’m going to handle that without her. I’m afraid that I won’t find love. I’m afraid that I will find love. I’m afraid that I’ll fall in love with a douchebag and be okay with it. I’m afraid that--and it’s interesting because--I’ve been told this twice in my life by just, like, out-of-the-blue random people who just said, “fear is only the absence of love.” And it’s very interesting that some of my fears are based on love, and it gives you an idea of the way that, like, the notion of love has been really perverted in my childhood and in my teen years. I’m afraid that my sister is going to cut me off and I’m never gonna get to know my nephew. I’m afraid that the people I love are going to go away. I’m afraid that my own capacity for selfdestruction is much sharper and more insidious than I give it credit for. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to reanimate Stanley Kubrick! I really wanna reanimate Stanley Kubrick just to give him a hug and say thanks. I’m afraid of possession, like of being possessed by another being, and then they, like, come through me and they enter my body. But I’m also afraid of somebody else possessing me in an ownership kind of way. Cause I think I’ve been there, especially in my childhood and I never want that to happen again. I’m afraid that I’m gonna get fatter. I’m afraid that what I want for myself is in direct opposition to what I need. I really want to go out there and tell stories and make art and movies and be super creative but I’m also afraid that what I really need is to just, like, go on retreats and not speak for 50 days and cry in the arms of a stranger. I’m afraid that I’m not going to figure stuff out. I’m afraid that my sister will die any day because she had heart surgery when she was a kid and she doesn’t look after herself. I think those are the big ones.

Those are the ones that I think about on a daily basis. Yeah, and I’m afraid that, like, that you could talk to me twenty years from now and I’ll be retiring from the federal public service. Like, that’s a deep fear of mine. That I’ll spend the next twenty years--which sounds like a long time but really isn’t a long time--that I’ll spend the next twenty years sitting in a chair data-processing behind a computer, wishing things had been different, wishing I’d tried something. And I’m deeply concerned that I don’t know what the first step to life being different is, that I’m not gonna recognise it, like this is a step in that direction and I’m not gonna take that step.

I beat my own drum and I follow the beat of that drum. I don’t think there’s any need for me to expound on that.

I follow my insticts, I try.

I follow the path of a Jedi Warrior.

Way too many people on twitter I guess I stalk people online too much. (laughs) Blogs, especially fashion blogs and people I don’t really like but they are my Facebook friends, I follow their lives. Cause they say to keep your enemies closer, you know? Yeah, a lot of art, culture, lifestyle blogs--I surf the

internet so much and just look at all these things, like tumblr and stuff like that. Sounds so superficial…But at least it’s not something cheesy, like “I follow my heart” or something like that. I think, most of the time I do though! That’s why I end up in disastrous situations!

I follow instructions poorly. And erratically.

What I think is right. I mean, I accept that there’s rules. And I accept that if I break those rules I get punished, or if I get caught breaking those rules I get punished.

But sometimes I like to decide for myself what I think is right, and, like,

fuck it.

It depends. Sometimes I follow my heart, sometimes my head, sometimes it’s a struggle between the two. Since I broke up with my ex, sometimes I feel this struggle still. In my heart, I still miss her a lot sometimes, but in my head I know that it wasn’t good.

Um…I don’t know. I don’t really follow anything in the news, I don’t follow the lives of celebrities, there’s no particular institution whose rules I follow unconditionally. The first thing I think if is a U2 song, “I will follow!” But there’s an extra verb in there. Um, there’s not tv show that I follow. I don’t know. Yeah, so I don’t know if I have anything that I follow, I might not follow anything. Or at least I don’t follow anything strictly or religiously.

I follow my heart. That’s too easy… uh… I follow the current of the world, I guess. I do what feels right.

My self, my heart. Doesn’t matter if I say if I’m Daoist or Buddhist or whatever, cause that’s actually pretty irrelevant anyhow, cause those are just mental constructs to define some specific experience that we’re trying to explain with

words so that our minds can understand.

I follow my instincts, but overriding that, I follow rationale as a governing factor. But my instincts tend to be quite rational so they tend to be one and the same on the whole. I follow trout to their death. (laughs) Given the opportunity and the remote Scottish loch.

I follow so many things that I could follow, I follow. I follow way too many sports for my own good. I follow the beat of several people’s drummers. Yeah, I think those are the most important things I follow.

As little as possible.

I follow most rules. (laughs) I follow football sometimes.

I follow people I trust to an extent.

I’m probably quite a good follower, a critical follower, but if I respect somebody then I will follow them to the extent that I respect or trust them. But I’m quite a bad follower in other ways because I don’t follow blindly. If I think I can do a better job, then I’d rather lead!

Probably a combination of environment and genetics.

What else is there?

Because I feel like it has some sort of meaning for me, like travelling and drawing and making art and meeting people and talking to people and having people tell me that they relate to something I do, like art or otherwise. I really like this human interaction and how you making something creative can impact someone else’s life or something. It gives some sort of purpose in my life.

My job? Why do I do what I do? I do what I do… this is a good question! I do what I do because, uh…Gosh I don’t even know. Um, hm. This is like therapy. Like, what motivates me? Or, just... [Whatever you would like.] I do what I do because, um, it feels right at the time. Or, um, I…I don’t know.

It’s always been the path of least resistance.

And obviously music is something that’s very easy to get enjoyment out of. On a Monday

morning I do what I do to pay the bills.

Occasionally I do what I do for enjoyment. But that’s like any job. But the short answer is cause I can do it and I’ve drifted into it without any really big effort. It was easier than astrophysics.

Which is quite hard. (laughs) Where music, it’s not that hard. It’s a language and not a particularly difficult one if you’ve got the aptitude. So yeah, drifted into it but obviously, like everyone else, I like music. It’s nice to have it at your fingertips, if you want. It’s nice to be able to control it and understand it.

Because I enjoy what I do. Don’t really know if I have anything more to say. (laughs) It’s who I am, and it comes naturally.

Cause I love doing it. It’s actually a pet peeve of mine, is people doing stuff they don’t actually want to do. Cause if you do what you love doing you’ll end up being good at it and it won’t be so difficult to find a way to get by just doing that.

Why do I do what I do? Which thing? (laughs) (sighs) Because I have to. Because it’s all

about learning about myself. And if I’m not learning about myself I do not feel satisfied. If I’m not learning, I’m not growing. I do what I do because I’m driven by an innate drive and so much so that I could not even classify it as a simple need. But just having to explore, learn, and refine my understanding of myself is why I do what I do. I think I’m really at a point in my life where there’s no ifs, ands, or buts.

Absolutely everything that I do is a conscious deliberate action to be able to reflect on the emotive qualities that lead me to a deeper ability to feel my truer self.

I dunno. (laughs) That’s the answer. Um. It’s what I feel like doing, I dunno. I don’t know but at the same time, I don’t believe in destiny, so…

Because I’m really hard-headed. You know, I’m just a very difficult person a lot of the time.

I cannot be persuaded to do that which is the right thing so…in other ways, I’ve just really gotten used to a certain routine. It kind of depends on what you mean by what it is I do.

There’s multiple facets to that. It’s just that, in a way, I am extremely self-centered and I want to do things my way--or so my mother says. Other times I’m just very reluctant to leave a certain way of living because it’s what I know and it’s what I have…you know, it kind of depends on the personal quirk we’re talking about.

What do I do? Well, whatever I do I do because I’m not aware of something different, I’m not prepared to do something different, or I’m not willing to do something different. Did I say unaware?

On a selfish level I do what I do because I must, because that is what drives me. Because that is how I get satisfaction out of my life, that’s how I get my pay-off--by doing what I love and being able to revel in the joy that it brings me and being able to revel in the joy that I get from the experiences that I come by as a result of doing what I do. And also I do what I do because nobody else is going to. The other reason, without sounding too dramatic, I

firmly believe that I’ve been dealt a unique set of life-circumstances and a mix of qualitative experiences and a unique set of talents and skills, all of which contribute to a single unique lens through which I see the world and only I can see the world. And as a story-teller, if no one has the perspective that I have, I feel like that sort of brings a responsibility with it to share that perspective because regardless of the fact that it is different than everybody else’s individual perspectives, I think that highlights the common ground that we all share. That’s part of what I do as a storyteller, is to draw out those common threads between experiences and between everyone’s different lenses.

In order to highlight our interconnectedness as people, really. And I feel a sense of responsibility to that, because I feel like if I don’t assume my share of the responsibility in drawing those connections as a storyteller then that is a series of connections that will not be made as a result. Because, again my lens is unique, and your lens is unique, and his lens is unique, and her lens is unique. And that creates a really varied set of connections, and so if you’re missing one then you lose a connection to that lens.

Why do I do what I do? Partly I do what makes me feel fulfilled or happy. I feel that human beings have a responsibility to others and to somehow leave the world a better place than they found it. I was brought up to take responsibility, to do something--you know, if something was wrong, change it. I believe very strongly in--well the things that I care about, I guess, is that the world generally should be more equal, more people should be able to have happy lives and proper lives and we should, as a species, fulfill our potential better.

But in particular I dislike the abuse of power and that might be around children, it might be around other things. But what I tried to teach to my son, ultimately, and what I suppose I try to live by--it sounds stupid, but it is a version of the Knight’s Code. “Defend the right. Protect the weak. Live with honor.”

Frightful, but the fire is so delightful... because we don’t really know where we’ll be in 10 years or 20 years or (laughs) Is going to be different in 30 years. But also it’s exciting to see five minutes! people coming together and rallying together to do something about it Um…The weather outside is…it’s and see the community of people manic and it’s terrifying because taking a stand for what they believe it’s kind of indicative of how quickly in. That is encouraging and that is climate change is upon us. And it exciting to see. And the uncertainty sort of, like, has become its own of that is kind of a positive character in the narrative in our uncertainty. Because there’s so generation, really, because it is so much potential to do so much good rapidly changing and it’s such a within climate change movements, contentious topic of conversation social justice movements and all this and such a front-page contentious sort of related interconnectedness of conversation all the time. And that are related to climate change. so I do feel like it’s become its own character in the narrative of our Affecting my mood more than I lives. Which is, again, frightening would like it to.

It’s cold and makes me feel lazy.

It’s actually quite nice right now. It’s warmer than usual!

Cold I guess. ‘Bout time it’s getting summer.

The weather outside is what it is.

The weather outside is the weather.

Somewhere it’s sunny. Somewhere it’s cloudy. Somewhere it’s hailing.

Somewhere it’s not. Somewhere it’s snowing. It’s an interesting reflection on the cycles of the elemental realms and the effect that the separation from defying that which you know is the grand illusion of mankind that we’re stuck in right now, and how that effects the weather and how we constantly need to be reminded of the eternal cycle from an external point of view. But the weather is following its natural cycle according to the parameters of this illusion. So the weather is just the weather.

Now most people would say ‘frightful’, but I pride myself on not going for the obvious most of the time. I can’t see the weather outside at the moment so it is unknown. It is many different states at once. But I’m not a quantum physicist or an astrophysicist so I can’t make a good

comparison. So, I would imagine that currently, being a rational person, it’s February and we’re in Manchester, the weather is—[It’s March.] Oh it’s March, sorry. (laughs) What year is it? It’s March, it’s Manchester, so it’s not freezing. It’s not tropical. It’s normally grey.

Frightful and the fire is so delightful and as long as you love me so let it snow let it snow let it snow.

Not really relevant to this. (laughs) Cloudy. And pretty mild for this time of year. For most places, not for here though.

What sort of question is that? (laughs) I dunno. The weather outside is irrelevant.

Frightful, but the fiiire is soo delightful. (dances) (laughs) Slow clap and sad trombone! It’s actually really blue sky, the sun’s setting but it’s blue sky right now. It was a good day. Especially for winter.

Oh, I’d say it’s bordering on jacket weather, you know? No jumpers required, no sweaters required, but you might wanna have your sturdy upper layer.

Sing. Enjoy it, you know? I think that mostly most situations you can choose whether you’re going to be positive about them or negative about them and in most situations there’s something you can enjoy or be happy about. And generally speaking, even if you’re not and the situation is really bad and, you know, people are being awful to you and stuff like that--being miserable just makes it worse. So, do more of it, I guess, is the answer to that.

Not even documenting being happy.

But my best ideas tend to--even the depressing ideas that I’ve had--but creatively, my best ideas have come to me in moments of sheer happiness.

Um, so I write. Whatever idea sort of comes to me in that moment, if I’m happy and I know it I sit down with a pen and I take out a book and I jot ideas down.

I’ll often listen to music at a really high level, almost like to feel even more euphoric!

Clap your hands, of course… Then I believe stomp your feet comes next.

[Really though? Do you really clap your hands when you’re happy?] No, no I don’t. Ok new answer. I’m gonna say: tell people why...

Smile really hard, grin really hard.

Not smile. Like, grin. And write also.

I actually do clap my hands! I clap my hands and dance around the room.

This is what I do when I’m really happy, like when I receive really good news, then I will start doing that. It’s so animalistic, right? (laughs) Not do the obvious. Do it again.

Is this a trick question? [No.] No comment. Actually, do I have to answer this? [No.] Then I choose not to answer it!

I show it, I suppose. Yeah, I share it. I think it’s really one of the most valuable things to share, happiness, or being in a good mood. I do believe in energy in that you can definitely make all people feel better, as long as they don’t suck your energy, you can share it and then it kind of comes back.

That’s, like, pretty much the same question like why do you do what you do--because I enjoy doing it. It’s hard for people to realise what makes them happy. And it’s hard for people to tell when they are happy. And happiness is not a state that you’re in, it’s a collection of moments in which you’re happy and by the end of the day you can decide if it was a happy day or not. If I realise that I’m happy, I just sit back and try to enjoy it. This can be when I’m working, or while I’m with somebody or just generally doing nothing. When I realise that I’m happy I just try to enjoy it to the fullest at any

given moment.

Clap your hands? Oh you mean, like, legitimately? If I’m happy and I know it, I, like, live in it. I tend to notice a lot more detail. Like, I’ll see photographs everywhere of everything that would make a good photo and I always notice that stuff when I’m in a good mood.

If I’m happy and I know it I usually just smile and savour the feeling. Treasure it. Tuck the memory away. And just keep savoring it.

When I’m happy and I know it... that’s a tough one. I’m not prone to exuberance, I think. I am generally happy, or rather, I don’t ever get too high or too low. The few times when I’ve been really elated, I just feel a rush, adrenaline-like, that feels incredibly liberating. Anything could happen. No-holds-barred dancing, endless jabbering, rare displays of affection. That sort of thing. It doesn’t happen very often, though I hasten to add once more that I’m also rarely seriously down on life.

Enjoy. And then question it deeply!

And pick it apart!

I’m not really much of a clapper. Kind of weirds me out. I sing to myself though.

All I need is warmth and a book. That’s it.

I’m done.

Looove? Um, yeah, I don’t know. That’s how I choose to answer.

Twofold. A) Your self. and B) your unconditional love of that self. Um…Because I feel like unconditional love of self is what elevates you to a higher plane of being a positive beneficial member of this planet.

Those are the people who inspire change in other people and those are the people who cultivate positivity and cultivate fertile ground for the building of healthy relationships and healthy communities, healthy societies. And that’s all very macro. But micro, it starts at self-love.

Um… At this moment, I have to say that I’m not gonna answer the question as “All I need is”. What I need right now is to learn how to use all this anger that I have in me, to really own it. I guess you can add that to the things

that I’m really afraid of what that anger will do. And I’m also a little curious of what that anger could produce because I think that anger is what propelled me through four years of university and basically it was almost like Kamikaze, it was almost like suicidal, what I did and how hard I pushed myself. And that same anger pushed me through so many things, and don’t want to do things out of anger anymore. And so, “All you need is…” to be able to be really really really angry. And I think if I could just be really really really angry and not be afraid of it and really go there with it, that I wouldn’t be as fearful. If you can deal with the kind of anger that’s inside of me and not hurt anyone else and not hurt yourself, then everything else seems much more manageable.

Freedom. (laughs) Lots of money! [That’s all!] (laughs) I’m not going to say, “All you need is love.”

Whilst there is a certain truth in it…I don’t know…All you need is life, really.

All you need is love. All you want is sex. All you have is porn.

I think compassion gets you pretty far in the world to be honest. And it’s really easy to be judgemental of people, especially on the internet and things when you don’t know the whole story. I think it’s important to try to give people the benefit of the doubt until you have enough facts or whatever you need to make your decision or however you feel about whatever’s going on.

It’s funny because ‘love’ really is a good way to finish that sentence. The veracity of the truth of this one sentence is quite often misunderstood, or twisted to suit a specific perceptual paradigm. But, yeah, if everyone on this planet could actually experience sincere connection with love, not love coddled by illusion or the delusion of a specific paradigm of reality that defines in a nice little box what love actually means.

Love is probably one of the most profound spaces, one of the most profound vibratory experiences that anyone will ever have. The ability to be in a space with profound peace is very very very uncommon these days.

And it’s a very personal thing because what is in one’s own heart is not the same thing as what’s in another person’s heart. You can be loving and able to share that energy, that space, that feeling. You can cohabitate in the same space because you’re on the same page and have the mutual ability to support one another in self-love. It’s very very different from the classical delusion of “Oh, I’m in love with you because blah blah blah white picket fence and kids” and this is what society defines love as. And in a society that is defined by rigid mores and perceptions of limitation--versus acceptance

and allowance--love becomes something very different when you allow it to be open, especially when you learn how to truly love oneself. Because when you have the capacity to truly love yourself and support yourself in self-love, then the ability to share your self in that space with someone else, as far as I’m concerned, is a much more proper definition of being in love with someone else because you are in love, you are sharing that joy and that happiness that you have for yourself with someone else, and therefore able to support that other person in loving themselves.

Um, like the song, “All You Need Is Love”, that’s really the most important thing. If you have that you can achieve anything. Even “All you need is money”, if you have lots of money, you can do whatever you wanna do.

That’s my problem at the moment. But yeah.

Love. And cheesecake. …I’m trying to weigh my priorities now…It doesn’t matter what sort of people or what sort of relationship, as long as you have some sort of love or a kind act or something from someone. It can just be a random person you meet once and never again. I don’t know, I think it keeps you going. Or someone smiling to you and saying good morning, that you don’t even know. I think it makes people happier and less angry. And that’s all you need.

All you need is people. People and music.

And strawberries. And mushrooms. And a hot shower. And that will be heaven.

All you need is air, food, and water.

Happiness, I guess. Cause that’s the bottom line isn’t it? I mean, you can live or you can live happily. That’s it

I would like people to know that it is fine for them to have opinions but they should make them informed ones. And if they are not sure if they’re opinion is an informed one then they should get informed before informing other people that that is their opinion.

That I’m going to be famous.

I want people to know that life is just like this kind of, like, broken thing, and that it’s not really important but there’s, like, stuff out there which is important like butterflies and rainbows and, like, moments of true connection and thunderbolts and sandcastles and, like, zombies. Are we done? [Yes. Thank you.] You’re welcome.

How difficult my life is. No that’s facetious. I’ll try to give you a serious response for once…

I’d like people to know--not so much know, but understand the fact that we’re messing our world up fairly quickly. And given that even most of my friends--intelligent ones-make no decisions in their lives based on

that, because they do know if I asked them.

I would like them to, probably, know guilt at what their doing to the planet. Cause, I would say I know guilt on what we’re doing to the planet, or what I’m doing to the planet, I wouldn’t say I’m perfect. But I don’t see that in any of my friends--intelligent ones. And if I don’t see it in them, I certainly don’t see it in the rest of society. It’s a bit like a ‘save the world’ answer. But it’s something that bothers me a lot.

I am currently lying on a bed. To my left, there is a substance on the mattress which I’m having a hard time identifying. It came out of this house’s cat; I heard it emerge. As I see it, it could be vomit or diarrhea. The cat hissed at me when I wanted to go in for an initial inspection. Now it just feels like dried-up, clingy chocolate sprinkles.

Themselves. I don’t know. But, um, life is really a game. We worry about things that will never happen. We worry about things that don’t really matter. For myself, it’s so easy to

fall into that trap. Life is just a game and it’s all about moments and nothing really matters.

It’s a big game. Got a few really bad answers in there. (sighs) What I would love people to be able to know is how to develop self-awareness and as a result the ability to love themselves.

Because with knowing how to develop self-awareness you cannot avoid wanting to learn how to love yourself. The only thing that people need in society at large, in the world at large--it’s not just a concept of “oh love people and have compassion!” No, it’s not just about other people. Because if you are not practicing self-awareness you cannot truly understand how to love other people, because you have no skills for self-awareness and self-love. And so compassion ends up being completely empty if people are not practicing self-awareness and self-love. Back when I was in university, watching everyone do their psychology degrees so they can “become therapists and help people” and--complete utter lack of self-awareness that everyone had! The discipline of self-awareness can give anyone the internal fortitude and internal skills to be able to deal with any of the self-doubts or darkness or hidden places you don’t want to look inside yourself. If our limited mind is in control and we haven’t regained control of our awareness and discipline then those dark places will always stay dark. But it’s the dark places that will teach us the most. It’s about going inside and finding those feelings that tell you, it’s about learning that language of self- awareness that gives you the tools to understand what the motivation really is. You can’t just say, “oh, I read a book and now I’m more aware of myself.” Alright, how about we give that ten years?

Ho…What do I want people to know? As much as they can! About everything. And I suppose, if I don’t know something, I want

other people to at least know it so I can find out from them, you know? … I wish that more people understood…

Okay, here. I wish that people really understood how limitless the world is and how limitless their lives within the world are.

Cause people have a tendency to be--I think people know that in theory but they don’t understand that in practicality because we’re bogged down by fear and we’re bogged down by misunderstanding one another as individuals and we’re bogged down by our neuroses. We allow ourselves to believe people who tell us we can’t have something or that we cannot do something, even though we know that that’s not the truth. And so I guess I wish that people in general had more of a willingness to allow themselves to explore what will fulfill them in a way that is sustainable. So I guess that’s not what I wish people knew…I wish people knew that that was okay and that they didn’t have to apologise for that. That’s all.

I want people to know how to love themselves and be open with themselves and everyone else. Love meaning, how to embody self-respect and mutual appreciation of all living things and an ability to communicate lovingly with an open confident heart without fear or judgement in a way that will support everyone around them to do the same.

That I am interested in hearing their story. I wish that people talked to each other more.

Julianne Ess/Foot-to-Face is a multimedia artist currently working with collage, stop-motion animation, and zines to tell a cyclical apocalyptic story. She approaches her art practice as a way of documenting processes of transformation and is interested in its power to expose and heal our fears around change, the unknown, and our capacity for intimacy. Ess is self-taught and roots her work in a holistic, anti-oppressive ideology. She is currently based in Toronto, and has previously lived and created work in Winnipeg (where she grew up), Freiburg, Brussels, Ghent, and Edinburgh.

Website: cargocollective.com/julianneess Support: www.patreon.com/julianneess Shop: foottofaceshop.bigcartel.com Instagram: @foottoface Vimeo: www.vimeo.com/foottoface foottofacebyjulianneess@gmail.com

1.

Finish this sentence: People are...

2.

What is your favourite body part and why?

3.

What do you collect?

4.

When was the last time you felt unsafe?

5.

What is your favourite food and why?

6.

If you could be any animal, what would you be and why?

7.

When was a time when you felt blocked?

8.

What is your favourite place?

9.

What are you afraid of?

10.

Finish this sentence: I follow...

11.

Why do you do what you do?

12.

Finish this sentence: The weather outside is...

13.

If you’re happy and you know it, what do you do?

14.

All you need is...

15.

What do you want people to know?