The Fall Guys

BY PATRICK HIGGINS

We’re right smack in the middle of it now: the annual tradition of the NFL coaching carousel. It’s a time-honored custom observed by, let’s face it, losers — the rite that takes place at the close of each season, marked by a barrage of firings and hirings of coordinators and coaches, football fans and ownership groups either lusting for blood from failure or looking for hope and relief from the same, desperate for recompense and a reason for optimism, eager to see exactly which mostly white men will now be in charge of their team’s mostly Black players. The one who might lead these same men next year to the victory they fell short of in this one. The savior who will surely correct the mistakes made by the previous administration. The proverbial Bill Belichick to replace their feckless Jeff Saturdays.

Every year, unsuccessful organizations part ways with the disappointing and poach rising stars from the staffs of the winners in a blitzkrieg of coaching musical chairs. Coordinators are elevated to replace head coaches who’ve fallen back into coordinator roles in a seemingly knee-jerk merry-go-round process. It can often appear as much the performative theater of progress as it does legitimate organizational improvement. You can’t just do nothing, right?

Take the Cowboys’ own coaching moves over the last several days for example. Much to the chagrin of many of the Dallas faithful, there will be no Sean Payton on the sidelines in JerryWorld next year as Head Coach Mike McCarthy has been spared the headsman’s axe. They’ve also somehow managed to retain coveted Defensive Coordinator Dan Quinn, who has passed on potential HC jobs in Denver and Arizona likely due to a handshakeand-a-wink promise from Jerry that he will be the head coach here in 2024 if the Cowboys are again locked out of the NFC championship game.

On the other hand, the ’Boys have also completely cleaned house on the offensive side of the ball, deciding not to renew the contracts of several offensive assistants and even giving the boot to once-vaulted wunderkind playcaller Kellen Moore. The bewildering Ze- ke-at-center travesty to end the game against San Fran will be the last play Moore calls for the silver and blue for eternity. McCarthy is set to call the offense himself in the fall. On the surface, those decisions might make a little sense. The Cowboys’ failure to advance to the conference championship for the 27th straight year was mainly due to trotting out total offensive impotence during a commendable defensive performance against a veritable stump-grinding Niner offense in the divisional round. The Cowboys’ meager 12-point production highlighted many of Moore’s frustrating tendencies, such as his failure to disguise his intentions with creative formations — as he calls the same four pass plays out of the same four sets — and a bewildering dedication to running the ball on first and second downs despite consistent one- and two-yard gains. It’s the sort of Jason Garrett-like predictability that — tell me if this sounds familiar — can leave a quarterback feeling like he has to play heroball from behind the chains, increasing the chances of risky throws that might wind up in the hands of opposing defensive backs. The same of Dak Prescott could be said of his predecessor Tony Romo.

Yet despite the predictability, the Cowboys ranked in the Top 5 in the league in of- fensive production every year of Moore’s OC tenure. It could even be argued that Moore was unfairly removed. The L.A. Chargers certainly seemed to think so as they snagged him to run their offense within minutes of his departure from Big D. With the weapons the Bolts have, it’ll be interesting to see what Moore can do with them. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not necessarily sad to see him go, but I can’t really say he was the problem either.

In my mind, the goodbye to O-line coach Joe Philbin is similarly questionable. By pasting over several major multi-week injuries to the usual starters along the line with an unproven rookie, a 41-year-old who can barely walk, and a guard who couldn’t beat Connor Williams for a starting role a year ago, Philbin deserves a ton of credit. The line played pretty great this year. At least in pass pro. I can’t imagine anyone coming in here and doing any better.

However, due to the front office’s shameful money management, you can’t cut the mostly washed $16M running back or the $40M (that, one should remember, should have been $25M three years ago) quarterback, so somebody has to wear the noose.

The departure of Philbin and Assistant Head Coach Rob Davis, both essentially career-long “McCarthy guys,” the latter being referred to by the Cowboys HC as his “best friend,” don’t seem to point to those decisions being made by McCarthy himself. Which means, as one might expect, that Jerruh is making the moves without McCarthy’s approval, much like he did by naming Kellen Moore OC before even hiring Big Mike three years ago.

It’s a reminder that ultimately it doesn’t matter who’s hired to run drills during practice or call plays from the sideline, because there’s one position that other teams often choose to shake up that will never change here, that of the general manager. The man who has been in charge for the last three decades will — likely by some Satanic, virgin blood-fueled, life-extending soul-exchanging contract — still be in charge for the next three decades. So Moore, McCarthy, Sean Payton, whatever. It’s never gonna change. l

1.) Hosting your own event for a big date or the big game? Fort Worth caterer Queso + Carne (@QuesoCarneBoxDelivery, 903326-3229) can help you get ready for Valentine’s Day and the Super Bowl with a variety of charcuterie options. Regular offerings at QuesoCarneBoxDelivery.com include the Pequino Box for $25 on up to the popular El Magnús platter for $220. For updates on heart- or football-shaped options and more, follow Facebook.com/QuesoCarneBoxDelivery.

2.) From 5pm to 10pm on Fri-Sat, Feb 10-11, and Tue, Feb 14, head to Ventana Grille on the grounds of Tierra Verde Golf Club (7005 Golf Club Dr, Arlington, 817-548-5047) for Valentine’s Date Nights. Adorably named “First Date,” “Second Date,” and the “Long Kiss Goodnight,” the three courses include crab cake, baked oyster Atchafalaya or baby spinach salad to start; filet medallions, Chilean sea bass, or chicken with herb jus for your entree; and then chocolate mousse cake or mini French pastries for dessert. Dinner is $65 per person and includes live music 6pm-8pm. Call for reservations.

3.) Inspired by an episode of Parks & Rec, The Bearded Lady (300 S Main St, 817-3499832) is hosting its second annual Galentine’s Day Brunch 11am Sun, Feb 12. What is Galentine’s Day? Leslie Knope says, “It’s only the best day of the year. My lady friends and I leave our husbands and boyfriends at home and kick it breakfast-style, ladies celebrating ladies. It’s like Lilith Fair, minus the angst. Plus, frittatas.” A special cocktail and food menu are planned — including some surprise items for the guys — and Wandering Roots Markets (@WanderingRootsMarkets) will host a themed pop-up shop.

4.) Arts and crafts meet eats and drinks at the Couples Cookies & Crafts three-hour workshop at Board & Brush Fort Worth (4620 Bryant Irvin Rd, Ste 524, 817-9530933) at 2pm Sun, Feb 12. At this collabora- tive event, The Sweet Spot Fort Worth (8321 Indian Bluff Trl, 817-372-1581) is bringing sugar cookies for you and your sweetheart to decorate, plus Board & Brush will help you craft a one-of-a-kind painting to take home. Tickets are $100 at BoardandBrush.com/ FortWorth. continued on page 15

5.) If cocktails are more your speed than cookies and you’re at least 21, head to Whiskey Ranch (4250 Mitchell Blvd, 817-8409140) at 2:30pm Sat, Feb 11, for TX Whiskey Cocktail Class: Valentine Edition. Led by mixologist Jason Shelly, you will learn to make three handcrafted drinks that you’ll be able to enjoy. Tickets are $49.99 per person at FRDistilling.com and include admission to TX Sippin’ Saturdays. Doors open at noon.

6.) Every Saturday at noon, Patrick Mikyles presents Drag-with-Me Brunch, featuring a full bar, food menu, and an award-winning drag show at Red Goose Saloon (306 Houston St, 817-332-4343). On Feb 11, the event will be a special Valentine’s brunch. Tickets are $30 at PatrickMikylesPresents.com.

ATE DAY8 a Week

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7.) On Sat, Feb 11, there will be two seatings

— 6pm and 8pm — at Rancho Loma Vineyards (411 S Main St, Ste 104, 817-349-9030) for their Valentine’s dinner: a four-course meal by Chef Ryan Fussel, each paired with an RLV wine, for $90 per person. Dinner begins with a ricotta and yolk gnudi followed by smoky gnocchi and Brussels sprouts, then lamb belly ravioli with a radicchio and pea puree. For dessert, enjoy an espresso and pistachio panna cotta. For tickets, visit RLV. wine/events.

8.) For Valentine’s evening, Clay Pigeon Food & Drink (2731 White Settlement Rd, 817-882-8065) hosts its Valentine’s Day prix-fixe event at 5pm Tue, Feb 14. At $100 per person, this four-course meal includes a Sparkling Hour wine offer of 50% off before 6pm. First course options include prime beef tartare, Osetra caviar, or salmon crudo. Enjoy a Caesar salad or parmesan and roasted garlic soup for the second course. Entree choices include white Bolognese pasta, panseared salmon, beef tenderloin, or grilled duck breast. Then for dessert, you choose a chocolate coffee pot de crème or pavlova and strawberries. For details and reservations, visit RESY.com.

By Jennifer Bovee