Feature

Suck It and See

© LUCIA FOSTER-FOUND 2021 WWW.LUCIAFOSTERFOUND.COM

Their joint expressions of horror gave them away. “What? What?” Their son-in-law frowned from his zoom window. “Bobbing for apples not your thing?” Bless him for his good intentions; busily arranging a surprise party for his wife’s birthday. “Um, perhaps not, you know, COVID and everything…?” Himself, far more tactful than she, got in first. Son-in-law’s face was a picture. Literally, a picture, what with being framed on the screen and all. But figuratively too, as it dawned on him that a group of largely un-vaccinated under-forty -year-olds potentially sharing saliva might be…“Ohhh. Yes! I mean no! A bit dodge. Hadn’t thought that one through, clearly” son-in-law conceded. “Ditto blowing out the candles on the birthday cake, I suppose” he added.

Crikey! Even her super-cautious mummy-gene hadn’t flagged that up. Viewed through pandemic-tinted spectacles, the familiar ritual now appeared slightly stomach-turning. Spittle spattered sponge anyone? She wrinkled her nose. Mmnn, might be giving that a miss for evermore.

There was, upon discussion however, lots of fun to be had without close contact. The garden party theme could still embrace skittles, a coconut shy and pin the tail on the golden retriever. A COVID-safe bash was a go and excitement all round to be getting together again for an actual, real, face-to-face party! With drink. Lots and LOTS of drink. The three co-conspirators signed off their covert mission meeting with instructions to ‘stay safe’. Himself later observed “Relieved that, in the name of social distancing, ‘pass the orange’ has been voted off this event. Plays havoc with my cervical spondylosis.” She agreed “And ‘Twister’ too. My rheumatoid arthritis wouldn’t have thanked me.” They nodded in unison and remarked “Silver linings.” The cake scenario had made her think, though. “I know we’re on the road to normal-ish, but I wonder what we’ll lose forever. Will we go back to greeting people with a kiss on the cheek? Funny - Mum wouldn’t be sorry about that. Said it was ‘continental’” she reminisced. “It is quite European” he agreed. She raised her eyebrows “Yeah, but she said ‘continental’ in a way you might say ‘nauseating’.” “I remember how your mum would shrink away from my peck on the cheek.. Haha. I once thought it was because she wasn’t keen on me…!” Himself laughed loudly at this absurd notion. After the tiniest hesitation, she laughed as well. Unlike her mother, though, she liked the kissing. And she liked the hugging too. The little moment of close contact released oxytocin; it was bonding, therapeutic. In fact, she’d missed it all terribly. “But seriously, will we shake hands again, rather than that excruciating elbow bump thing. Even hard bitten politicians look embarrassed doing that. And if we do go back to the hand shake, will we immediately reach in our pockets for the hand sanitiser? But might that be considered a bit rude?” She foresaw navigating an evolving post-pandemic landscape littered with faux pas. Himself agreed. “Did you know..” hello, here we go “that shaking hands originated from showing the other person that you weren’t holding a weapon and therefore ‘safe’. So might a more logical greeting now be to flash a phone app to show that you’re COVID-free?” “More logical, but a lot less like a greeting” she murmured quietly, as Himself warmed to his subject. “And the ‘cheers’ thing,” uh oh – there’s more “that’s a throwback to pouring a little of one’s drink into the other’s horn, goblet – whatever - and vice versa. Just to show that the drink wasn’t poisoned. Will we still touch our glasses together – but then surreptitiously avoid any contact with the bit that connected? Awkward.” “That’s a thought” and yet another one she hadn’t had already. “Actually, on that subject, I’ll think twice before sharing a hip flask again. Now seems rather intimate slash infectious.” “Eugh... Yuk. Well, I’m predicting some initial confusion over what to do with your hands – like when you pose for a photo. Coupled with a bit of air-kissing. But gradually we’ll grope our way towards a brave new normal, darling.” Seemingly unaware of the irony, they concurred. “Suppose we’ll just have to suck it and see..?”