New Year, New Oopses Local storyteller laughs off past mistakes

By Nathan Diebenow

Riney Jordan is a man of many wigs, and he will be the first to tell you that with his self-deprecating wit and folksy wisdom.

He acquired his first hair piece the old-fashioned way –through charm, grace, and good humor after arm-twisting by a strong-willed public school librarian who happened to be a well-off widow. However, Riney doesn’t have to start with that story when he performs at public speaking events. He could just as easily begin with any experience from his life –serving as a small-town disc jockey, a grade-school teacher, or a public relations specialist.

Folks take to his stories like children grab candy during a Christmas parade. He’s achieved high honor and praise for his communication skills. The Texas School Board Association and the Texas School administrators honored him as the “2000 Texas Key Communicator of the Year.” The Texas Legislature even recognized him as an exemplary Texan in a resolution.

As master storytellers go, Riney is also never camera shy. Any opportunity to strut in his hair piece is welcome.

“I’m so happy with a microphone. Well, thank you guys for coming, and it’s great to have – wait, just a minute. He’s taking a picture. We’ll try our best shot there,” he said, mugging for the camera as I snapped a pic of him during the Clifton Civic Improvement Society’s last meeting of 2022.

That chilly December day, Riney lit up the Clifton Civic Center with his stories of wholesome wonder and woe. The Clifton Elementary School’s honors choir had to reschedule their Christmas-themed performance due to a time conflict, and Riney filled in last minute for the ladies club’s afternoon program.

“I know you’re disappointed that the choir isn’t here. I was going to sing for you, but I opted not to, so you should be grateful for that,” he said, tongue planted firmly in cheek as he sat in a chair in front of the festive group.

What commenced was 45 minutes of almost non-stop narration that seemed almost stream of consciousness from one era of his life to the next. The theme that tied his stories together —at least for me— was the importance of accepting gratitude in hindsight.

“I want to make you laugh a little. I want to give you something to think about. But one of the things I want us to remember is to learn to laugh at your mistakes. Ok?” he said, before launching into his first personal anecdote –a tale that would make the fictious film anchorman Ron Burgundy both howl and nod with understanding. The story unfolded with Riney still in high school in the 1960s. His friend landed him a job as a radio announcer –a position Jordan seemed not to have necessarily wanted or expected to fill since he never applied for it. Yet the teenage Jordan accepted the 7 p.m. – 10 p.m. time slot doing a request-and-dedication show. He ended up manning that program for seven years from 1960-67.

“I just loved it,” he said. “But here I just started at 17 years old. At 17, you think you know a lot. You know what I’m saying? You’re just as dumb as an ox. What can I say?”

Jordan recounted how at small radio stations in those days, it was customary for people working behind the microphone to announce many different events over the airwaves.

“You announce everything. You announce funerals, lost dogs, and if somebody’s got a cow loose on the highway,” he said.

But then one day, a secretary gave him a short message to say in between songs. “On the air I said, ‘May I have your attention please? A lady on 5th Street has lost a little brown chi-hooah-hooah. If you know where the chi-hooah-hooah is, would you please call this number.”

When he got off the air, the secretary came in the studio and said, “Riney, what did you just say?” He said, “I announced that someone had lost a little brown chi-hooah-hooah.” She said, “Riney, that is not chi-hooah-hooah. That is chi-wah-wah.” He replied, “Well, now, I don’t want to be a smart-aleck, but if you’re going to bring me notes, you’re going to have to spell them correctly.”

It wasn’t the last time Riney needed help pronouncing a word on air but didn’t quite get the assistance he sought. On another occasion, he announced on air that some unlucky fellow lost a “U.” But what he read were the letters ewe. So he said, “We have a rancher out on the highway, and he lost an e-wee. If you see the e-wee….”

Jordan told more anecdotes about mishearing words and misunderstanding terms both by him and other folks in his travels. He recalled a recent faux paus between him and his wife.

“I was in the bathroom getting ready a few mornings ago, and Karen, my wife of 57-plus years, comes storming through the bathroom into her closet, and all I hear is, ‘Half the house has no power.’ Half the house has no power. That’s what I heard,” he said.

His wife left the room, so he could finish getting ready, still pondering the electricity problem. When he met her again, he asked, “Honey, was it a breaker? Did you get the power to come on the other half of the house.” She replied, “Honey, what are you talking about?” I said, “You said, ‘Half the house has no power.’” She said, “Riney, what I said was, ‘My half-and-half has soured.” To the ladies in the civic improvement society Riney said, “You just have to learn to live with it, you know?”

At the end of his program, Riney left the group with a parting thought, which he also leaves in his brand new podcast show “Oh, The Stories I’ll Tell.”

“I want you to try to remember this. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present. Ain’t that beautiful? I wish I could say I thought of that, but I didn’t,” he said. To listen to Riney Jordan’s family-friendly podcasts, visit rineyjordan. podbean.com or look wherever you get your podcasts.