20 minute read
What are ways that parents can help their children develop motor skills in sustainable
1.2. Give your children roots and wings
In this article2 , it is written that the primary purpose of parenting is to “raise fully functional adults who can take care of themselves and make a positive contribution to society. ” On page 128 of the book “Kinderjahre” , Remo Largo shares the following quote by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe:
Advertisement
Children should get two things from their parents: Roots and wings.
2 https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2016/08/the-primary-purpose-of-parenting
Source: https://pixabay.com/photos/name-butterfly-name-tag-children-372190/
1.3. Believe and pass on to children that the world is a good, safe and beautiful place
During a CreativeMornings event in March 2022 Ukrainian violinist Natalia Rezinkova played a Ukrainian lullaby song. She explained that she plays the song for her two small children aged 3 and 5 every night before they go to sleep. As the village in Ukraine, in which Natalia, her husband and their two children lived, was bombed, Natalia fled with her two children to Switzerland. Her husband stayed in Ukraine and joined the military to defend the country.
3
During a Café Scientifique event in May 2022 about the human brain, Nora Maria Raschle responded to a question about how we go about with the emotion fear. She expressed that it is important for children to feel secure and safe. Nora elaborated on this by saying that in her role as mother of teenage children, she experiences it as important for children's growth that they feel safe. I understood that feeling secure and safe helps a child to learn better.
Adam Grant explained that people, who believe the world is generally good and safe, have better mental health and more success. 4 And on page 145 of the book “Kinderjahre” , Remo Largo wrote that feeling safe and accepted is a basic need of every child.
3 https://www.instagram.com/p/CbhvWpIsgh0/ 4 https://www.instagram.com/p/CbaRbZwOjga/
1.4. Help your children to live as if they already have the job they search for
During an event5 via zoom featuring the authors Susannah Harmon Furr and Nathan Furr I asked this question, “I heard you say that you have 4 children. Can you give concrete examples of what you do to help your children learn what you learned while writing the book? More concretely, what do you do to help your children feel psychologically safe to express uncertainty?”
From the response by Susannah Harmond Furr I understood this: Following his college education in New York, the son of Nathan and Susannah found it difficult to get a job. And, as I understood, their son felt sad about the situation. Using a method from their book, Susannah and Nathan helped their son to live as if he already has the job he searches for. They encouraged their son to continuously ask himself this question,
What can I do right now?
5 https://reinforceua.com/en/lectures/19
2. What makes you more certain that you want to be a parent or not be a parent?
2.1. Ask your heart if having a child is the right thing to do
During a conversation in August 2022 via Google Meet, Sophie Rudolph mentioned that for her it was an emotional decision to have children. It was not a rational decision she took. In her heart and mind she gave room to have children.
2.2. Consider whether you can afford to have a child or not
During a conversation in August 2022 via Google Meet, Sophie Rudolph explained that a stable working situation and a stable income played an important role for her decision to have a child.
2.3. Think about how you want to live
In a posting6 and in a conversation7 with Sharleen Joynt, Keltie Maguire expressed questions about certainty / uncertainty of having children. For example, Keltie explained at minute 8 of the conversation that she is 99% certain that she does not want to have children. And at minute 54, she mentioned that the thought of becoming pregnant terrifies her even more now, when she is 40 years old and in a long term relationship, than when she was 20 years old and single.
From minute 8 of the conversation8 Keltie Maguire explained that instead of asking herself how certain she is that she wants to have children or not have children, it works better for her to ask herself how she wants to live. She explained that the question about what she wants in her life helped her feel more free. She felt that the weight of the choice to be a parent or not had been taken off her shoulders. Keltie described that ultimately, she wants to feel joyful and fulfilled about her life - including feeling good about her work and connections she has with other people.
6
https://www.linkedin.com/posts/keltiemaguire _ childfree-parenthood-clarity-activity-6963019560199335936-7NPB?utm _ source=linkedin _ share&utm _ medium=
member _ desktop_
web 7 https://youtu.be/N0ihsvRSDjU 8 https://youtu.be/N0ihsvRSDjU
From minute 45 Keltie Maguire expressed that having unconditional love cannot only be acquired through children. She built on this by saying that great relationships with other people can help strengthen love and help people to not feel lonely.
3. What are examples of ways of working that help strengthen sustainable parenting?
3.1. Work with people who value you
Dominique, who preferred to use a different name than her real name, explained during a walk and talk in a park that some months before she gave birth to her first child, she was let go from a job in the financial industry in Switzerland. She explained that being laid off from a job relatively close to giving birth to her first child was a crisis moment in her life. I heard Dominique use the word shock, as she described the difficult and problematic experience.
From what Dominique explained I understood that key reasons for her manager’s decision to first pass on tasks, for which Dominique had responsibility, to someone else, and later lay off Dominique from her job, were that the manager had a desire to 1) maintain high performance and 2) save money.
3.2. Work with people who believe in flexibility
In a conversation with Katja Rieger, Siriana Käser mentioned the importance of flexibility, for example in being able to work at different times and in a variety of spaces. 9 Also, in an Eco Talk moderated by Reto Lipp, the importance of flexible ways of working, for example regarding time and place, was highlighted by Yvonne Bettkober, Amazon Web Services.
10
Source: https://pixabay.com/illustrations/smartphone-hand-web-woman-network-5207836/
9 https://www.linkedin.com/video/event/urn:li:ugcPost:6923246593286533120/ 10 https://www.srf.ch/play/tv/eco-talk/video/koennen-die-frauen-den-fachkraeftemangel-beheben?urn=urn:srf:video:e8b0e645-e63e-4681-80e5-e00a2e934175
3.3. Invest time in learning
During a conversation in August 2022 via Google Meet, Sophie Rudolf explained that she invested time in reading books about parenting. For example, she mentioned that she read books by the Danish author Jesper Juul.
During a freethinkers event via zoom on September 16th 2022 Remo Rusca explained that he meets up with a group of men once or twice a month to reflect on their roles in life - including being a father. Remo mentioned that conversations in this group help him to learn about patterns and belief systems that hold him back or help him grow in consciousness.
4. What are ways to parent in environmentally sustainable ways?
4.1. Cook at home
Sharon Bättig-Diaz, who is a mother as well as a grandmother, mentioned that when she grew up in Sri Lanka, nourishing, healthy, home cooked meals were prepared for breakfast, lunch as well as for dinner. Home cooked meals were widespread amongst Sharon’s family. It was very rare that the family consumed a meal from outside, she explained. Sharon believes, she added, that home cooked meals were common among other families in Sri Lanka as well.
Following a swim-and-chat in May 2022 Kurt Bättig explained that he is developing an increasing interest in healthy living. He had just come back from a 1-week yoga retreat in the Southern part of Turkey and explained that much of the food, which he tried during the time he spent in Turkey, was vegetarian and vegan food. He explained that in his view, parents have a responsibility to help their children eat healthy food.
4.2. Use natural materials when you prepare dinner
Sharon Bättig-Diaz, who is a mother as well as a grandmother, explained that when she grew up in Sri Lanka, food like fish and meat were wrapped in plantain leaves or wild milk potato leaves ��. heal Sharon mentioned thy. Such initiatives that can using mat also help eri to als from nature reduce packagi a n n g d . also cooking at home is not only
4.3. Use compost bins to turn kitchen waste into compost
Sharon Bättig-Diaz, who is a mother as well as a grandmother and grew up in Sri Lanka, explained that her family had a garden in Sri Lanka with pits that they threw stuff into. When the pits were full, they were closed and new ones dug out. The pits decomposed and developed into manure, which they used. This was widespread, Sharon explained.
Heinz, who grew up on a small farm in Thurgau, has been married to his wife for 48 years and has three sons, explained that he helps people build gardens. When I met him on a street in Zürich, he was on his way to a garden to help people build a compost bin, using which they can create their own compost. He explained that a compost bin is a great tool to turn kitchen waste into compost.
He emphasized that it is important that the compost bin is covered to avoid that too much water gets into the compost bin.
4.4. Reuse things
Sharon Bättig-Diaz, who is a mother as well as a grandmother, mentioned over WhatsApp that some things can be used more times. She gave a couple of examples: ● Clothes of children can be reused. For example, when clothes used by a child become too small because the child has grown, these clothes can be passed on to younger children. In this regard, Sharon mentioned that she has 5 siblings. When she grew in Sri Lanka, clothes were often passed on to younger children. ● Books can be borrowed at libraries and thereby used more times.
During a walk and talk in August 2022 Daniela and Jochen Sorg explained that their three children used second hand clothes when they were small.
4.5. Ask children how we should treat the environment
Sharon Bättig-Diaz, who is a mother of 3 children as well as a grandmother of 2 children, mentioned that being in contact with her own children she realized how eco-friendly they live.
Via e-mail Whitney Johnson explained what she learned about sustainability from her daughter:
“What I know from my daughter, who is 21 years old, is that she is a vegetarian for reasons of sustainability. She reminds me to use plates instead of paper towels, to try and use shopping bags instead of plastic bags when we go shopping and to be better at recycling. What I appreciate is that she is patient with me when my neural pathways keep doing what I have always done.
4.6. Learn to say no
In an exchange over Twitter11 , Andrea Kuhla asked other parents how they make it through the “pre-holiday appointment madness” . MirJam answered:
“That is a good question. Basically, it's probably our attitude that it is perfectly okay not to always have to be present everywhere.
11 https://twitter.com/fraeuleinMoehri/status/1541753700670111745
4.7. Use electric vehicles
Dominique, who preferred to use a different name than her real name, explained during a walk and talk in a park that she, her husband and her 3 children have been waiting eight months to receive an electric vehicle they ordered. Currently, she uses a car with a diesel engine.
5. What are ways to parent in emotionally sustainable ways?
5.1. Admit mistakes you make
On page 52 of the book “Raising competent children” , Jesper Juul suggested that instead of blaming children, adults need to accept responsibility for mistakes they themselves make.
12
5.2. Admit when you don’t know something
Sharon Bättig-Diaz, who is a mother as well as a grandmother, mentioned via WhatsApp that she is unsure how to act in order to help solve problems related to global warming. She also mentioned that she tries her best and expressed doubt whether she is doing enough.
12 https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3745257239
About 39 minutes into a fireside chat13 hosted by Rita McGrath, Whitney Johnson explained this:
13 https://youtu.be/bato5m6uvZU
On page 33 of the book “Lasst die Kinder los: Warum entspannte Erziehung lebenstüchtig macht”14 , Margrit Stamm writes:
“The high and increasing number of experts in education mean that many parents hardly manage to feel competent enough. They get scared that they are not doing well enough and they feel so under pressure.
5.3. Develop courage to communicate when you need help
Simon Sinek explains that when you are a parent there are no on-off hours. You are a parent all the time. You are not sure when something is going to happen. It takes courage to say “I am struggling. I need help.
”15
14 https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/2512751574 15 https://www.linkedin.com/feed/update/urn:li:activity:6927383936578801664/
5.4. Express interest in developing yourself
Dominique, who preferred to use a different name than her real name, mentioned during a walk and talk in a park that according to her experiences, parenting is underrated. She experienced with her 3 children that parenting challenges are many and that parenting challenges change continuously.
On page 203 of the book “Raising competent children”16 , Jesper Juul mentioned this:
“The more determined parents are to develop aspects of their own personalities, the less self destructive their children will become.
16 https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3745257239
5.5. Share your experiences of shame
To the questions “What is your current understanding where your perfectionism comes from? What is the real source of your perfectionism?” Sanela responded: “Behind perfectionism is shame and not good enoughness. Like most of us, it is born early and developed over time.
”17
Manfred F. R. Kets de Vries explained that when children cannot live up to their parent’s expectations, they experience shame. When children are continually criticized, they get the message that they are inadequate, inferior, or unworthy. These shameful experiences damage the roots from which self-esteem grows.
18
At location 2450 of the book “Rising strong” , Brené Brown explained that shame thrives on secrecy, silence, perfectionism, and judgment. If you share your experience of shame with someone, who responds with empathy, shame will die.
19
17 https://www.instagram.com/p/CbqNLNZosXX/ 18 hps://hbr.org/2017/06/dont-let-shame-become-a-self-destrucve-spiral
19 https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/1879833009
5.6. Ask your child what emotions he or she feels
During a conversation over zoom in July 2022, Sophie Rudolph told a story about a dialogue she had with a teacher of her 8 year old son. The teacher had said to Sophie: “Your son disturbs in class. His behavior is nonconforming. ” When Sophie talked with her son about this critical remark of her son’s teacher, she asked her son how he feels when he hears this? This question led, as I understood it, to a conversation between mother and son about not only emotions he feels but also about learning to a) develop knowledge about and express own needs, and b) learning to feel self compassion.
At one time during the conversation I had with Sophie Rudolph, Sophie came up with this idea: What about having a learning initiative in primary school that helps children to understand emotions they feel in certain situations? She came up with a concrete suggestion: In a situation when 2 children have a big discussion or fight, what about having a coach 1) talk to each of the children about emotions they feel and 2) talk to both of the children about how they communicate with and solve problems with each other?
Source: https://feelingswheel.com/
5.7. Do what you love
At the funeral of their 9 year-old daughter it was obvious and, of course, understandable that Doris and Reto Weisshaupt could not - like everyone else - hold back the tears. During a walk and talk Reto explained that he cried a lot after his 9 year-old daughter died because of a brain tumor. Later, Reto also explained that crying does not really help. What helps, I understood from what Reto explained, is, for example, to work on tasks you love to do.
5.8. Play music
During a walk and talk in September 2022 Esther Lopata explained that she sometimes put music on when working with a child. When drawing, for example, she would play pieces of Beethoven, Bach or Chopin. That helped children feel calm, Esther explained.
6. What are ways that parents can communicate sustainably?
6.1. Give full attention to children
Eckart Tolle explained that when he grew up, all parents were unconscious parents - totally dominated by ego. To become a conscious parent, Mr. Tolle suggested acknowledging the presence of your child, so the child feels seen by you. When relating to your child, try to be fully yourself. To give your child full attention, Eckart Tolle suggested looking at your child, listening to what she / he has to say and / or asking questions to your child.
20
During a walk and talk in September 2022 Esther Lopata explained that as she worked with small children, she greeted every child at the start of a caring process by looking the child into her or his eyes and saying. for example, “good morning” . Also, at the end of a caring process, she said goodbye to each child while looking the child in her or his eyes. She explained that this strong presence had a positive impact on the relationship between her and children she worked with.
20 https://youtu.be/ntgh _yg4 _ VE
https://pixabay.com/photos/woman-mother-daughter-child-5380641/
6.2. Ask questions to your children
During a chat and walk in May 2022 at Richterswil just outside Zürich in Switzerland, Katja Rieger explained that she wants to move from telling her son things to being curious about what he thinks and feels.
At location 3150 of the book “Emotional Agility” , Susan David explained that if a child has difficulty making friends, you can ask, "Where are good places to start connecting with people?"21
6.3. Listen to your children
On page 213 of the book “Raising competent children” Jesper Juul explained that to be as valuable to children as parents want to be, parents need to listen to their children, recognize them as competent and learn from them.
22
21 https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/1918959132 22 https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3745257239
6.4. Communicate calmly with your children
On page 193 of the book “Kindern mehr zutrauen” , Michaeleen Doucleff writes that it is unproductive to be angry with your children. Instead, parents need to react with friendliness and calmness towards their child / children.
Why is it really important that parents control their anger and speak calmly when they communicate with their child / children? There are more reasons. Some examples: 1. If a child is often yelled at by his or her parents, the child will - sooner or later - stop listening. 2. Every time a child is yelled at, he or she learns that shouting and anger are helpful tools to solve problems. As a consequence, the child will practice being angry and shouting. 3. When parents react with calmness and friendliness towards their upset child, they give their child the possibility to find this possible reaction in himself or herself. In other words, they give the child the possibility to practice calming down.
6.5. Avoid judging your children
In a conversation during a walk and over a cup of tea in May 2022 Esther Lopata explained that both of her parents were very religious. Each night before Esther and her siblings went to sleep, their mother or her father came by to say good night to the five children. During this before sleep conversation, each of the children was asked by their parents to pray to God. Esther explained that she and her siblings would, for example, express thankfulness as well as communicate wishes they had. The children were told by their parents that if they did not pray to God or believe in God, they would end up in hell.
Asking Esther how she felt about his message from both her mother and her father, she said that she developed much fear and suffered a lot from it - as a child and as an adult. Asking Esther in a follow-up question what she did to manage her fear and relieve her suffering, she explained that having conversations with good friends and her mother’s father as well as reading books helped her to feel more safe and free.
Talking about what helped her in conversations with her grandfather, Esther explained that her grandfather, who worked as president of the municipality, where he lived, accepted Esther as the human being she way. Following up on this, Esther mentioned that her grandfather was, like Ester’s parents, quite religious. However, he did not in any way try to persuade her to pray to God or believe in God.
During the conversation Esther also explained that it is of strong importance that parents do not expect their children to do certain things for their parents, when parents get old. Elaborating on this, Esther explained that she hopes that her children will think positively about their childhood and upbringing. However, she doesn't want her children to think that they must give back something to her and her husband.
At location 3000 of the book Emotional Agility, a book written by Susan David, I read that when parents let their children know that they do not judge them, they signal that they accept their emotions. Thereby, parents also help children to calm down and feel neither fear, shame or guilt. Instead of trying to fix things quickly, parents are better off simply pausing and listening. When a child feels fully seen and acknowledged by those around him, he / she will feel loved and secure. When a child feels loved and secure - and not rejected, punished or shamed for feeling what he / she feels - he / she will feel free to live with any emotions. For example, when a child feels shame, he / she will feel free to live with that emotion, understand where it comes from and why it is there.
23
23 https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/1918959132
In a conversation during a walk and over a cup of tea in May 2022 Esther Lopata explained that communicating with children via digital technology can have a positive impact. We talked, for example, about the use of WhatsApp and Skype. In this regard, we discussed the positive effects it can have when there is a screen between two persons - including the effect that emotion can have less influence on conversations over Skype compared with a face-to-face conversation when people are in the same physical room.
6.7. Use music to communicate with your children
On pages 259-260 of the book “Kinderjahre” , Remo Largo explains that children love music. By the age of 2 months, the infant can recognize the way the mother sings by the pitch, volume and melody. Once children can stand and walk, they dance when they hear music. They rock their bodies back and forth and do simple sequences of steps. They show a fine sense of rhythm and an often amazing ability to express themselves.
https://pixabay.com/illustrations/to-dance-children-s-drawings-ballet-83478/
