When it’s time for the driving talk

BY GARY BENNETT SPECIAL TO THE NEWS-POST

My father-in-law thought he was a pretty good driver. After all, he’d been on the road for over 60 years. Well into his 80s, Pop chugged off from Cumberland every Monday morning to volunteer at a Baptist church camp on South Mountain in Frederick County. Sure, there were some minor fender benders along the way and few other close calls but nothing serious.

Then one day he had a very serious accident near Boonsboro that injured him and totaled two cars. Thankfully the other driver was not badly hurt. No one was found at fault because witnesses provided differing accounts. After a lengthy hospital stay and some rehab, we came to learn that Pop was having difficulty turning his head to check blind spots. His slowing reflexes also made it difficult to react to changing traffic conditions and to move his foot from accelerator to brake quickly. Even after all this, he was determined to return to the road, and he did, for a time. Much to our surprise, no authorities like the police, MVA or insurance company came for his keys. His daughters tried to talk him into giving up driving voluntarily, but he would not hear of it. Pop lived in a rural area with family far away and little to no public transportation options. Fiercely independent, he couldn’t imagine life without a car or asking neighbors for help. Increasingly worried for his and others’ safety and unable to sway him, the daughters did what loving children do all over the country every day: They simply took away his keys.

In retrospect, this was not the thing to do. He was mad as a hornet, uncharacteristically so, and surprisingly resourceful. Pop simply got a ride to the dealership with title in hand and got another set of keys made. He continued driving but now with a mistrust of family that I’m not sure ever completely healed.

Our story is not unique. This scenario plays out across the country every day. For families everywhere, when to prevent an aging loved one from driving and possibly injuring themselves or others is a vexing issue.

For older adults, giving up the car keys means giving up independence and freedom of movement. They can no longer run to the hardware store on a whim or to that favorite restaurant for a quick bite. In their minds, they become beholden to others. They might become socially isolated. No one wants that for a loved one.

For my father-in-law, the answer came in the form of a hired companion and helper who was willing to take him where he wanted to go, when he wanted to go there. It helped that he liked this person and she was doing her job, not doling out charity. It also helped that this gentle, giving man came to see that he could now donate his car to a someone more in need of it than him.

Of course, not every far-away family has the resources to hire a companion for their elderly loved one. That is why it is imperative to look for driving danger signs, research the alternative resources available and plan to have “the talk” long before it is needed.

Older driver danger signs

First, ask neighbors if they have witnessed any issues with your loved one’s driving. Many scrapes and bumps can come from parking in one’s own driveway or garage.

Next, check for any driving citations or insurance notices that may have come in the mail.

Also be sure to check the car over every time you visit for new bumps, dents and scratches.

Above all, if possible, take a ride with your loved one to see for yourself how they drive.

• Do they seem tentative or anxious, especially at night or in the rain?

• Are they able to go the speed limit and not too fast or slow?

• Do they make sudden turns or lane shifts?

• Are they seeing and following road signs?

• Do they forget where they are going or take a long and circuitous route getting there?

• Do they have trouble turning their head or lifting their feet?

• Can they stay in their lane?

• Are they leaving ample space between themselves and other cars?

• Do they have trouble with straight-in parking?

If you witness some of these actions on the same trip or one or two over many trips, it may be time for that talk.

Planning for the talk

Even if your loved one is driving well right now, it doesn’t hurt to do your research and make plans for when they aren’t. If you’re one of the lucky ones, your loved one may give up driving on their own, especially after an accident or near miss. But, if you’re like most of us, you’ll have to make a strong but compassionate case for them to give up driving. It also doesn’t hurt to present some attractive options to take its place.

• Introduce the driving conversation gradually over time so your loved one knows it is a concern.

• Avoid confrontation and be positive and supportive. Try to find a solution together.

• Gently remind them other drivers’ well-being and safety is at stake, not just your loved one’s.

• Learn about your loved one’s overall transportation needs. You may be surprised to find that their use of the car is minor and manageable.

• Remind your loved one how expensive it is to keep a car, and without it, how all that saved money can be used for other transportation options.

• Understand the available community resources. Even if public transportation is scarce, there could be non-profits and religious or community organizations that will transport your loved one free of charge or for a nominal cost you could pay ahead of time.