Zebulon Huset

I never claimed my sister was smart but she has a huge heart beneath that careless, fungi-appearance.

She just doesn’t know any better— when that big bully Koopa coos to her, plays the bad boy with the heart of gold,

and maybe he is that sometimes— but then Mario comes in like a jerk and drags my hapless sister away, smitten again.

I know, I know, don’t criticize the Golden boys, but she never asked for a flaming rescue from a vigilante plumber.

He storms the estate then cusses her out— she’s told me what he really says— for not being Peach. Always only after Peach.

So of course he leaves her on any corner in Mushroom City as a rebounding Koopa speeds by laughing with that skank

dangling her tiara in the wake of their balloon exhaust. Both of them laughing hysterically. She’s not so pretty.

You should have seen her before her pixel reduction surgery. Plus she’s as vain and mean as Red—Princess indeed.