FREX FEELS a collection of feels put into words.
STEFANIE HODNETT
TABLE OF CONTENTS 03
05
07
My Hamster Is From Africa
Human vs Hamster
Feels Of A Binge Binger
09
11
13
02.28.18Present Day
GREEN
RED
17
19
15 GRAY
Cliche
21
21
She's Got High Hopes
She's Got High Hopes
Miss Universe
23 Outro
“ M Y
H A M S T E R
I S
F R O M
A F R I C A ”
M Y
H A M S T E R I S F R O M A F R I C A
My mind is ON OVERLOAD mode. The wheels on the short bus
keep going around and around. My Hamster must have been a
former Nigerian runner in the
Olympics. Hey...I’m black, I can
say whatever I want in reference to Africa, right?
Ok, so that was a prime example of how one's hamster will fatigue and mess up their entire ambiance
and writing chi. When Benny, my Hamster, starts out at a moderate pace, I tend to finish projects.
SLEEF XERF
However, when he takes off at a dead sprint, nothing ever gets done.
Too many steps being taken at one
time. It leaves me no room to regulate, delegate, to formulate a finishing product. I do admire all of
Benny’s efforts, but dude you need to take a water break.
Where is Bobby Booshay when you need him?
03
03
"
H u m a n v s
H a m s t e r
"
H u m a n
v s
H a m s t e r
SLEEF XERF
Waking up to the same white walls and the sound of screaming silence every day is starting to have its effect on my mental. Living the American Idiot lyrics to “Wake Me Up When September Ends”, had us thinking on prior events on which the screaming foundation grew. Before the bareness of residential occupancy and shattered mirrors of love lost; the walls were beautifully decorated with “loving” memories. Only after partially analyzing traumatic chain of events that led up to a ruthless abandonment, did I come to the realization that I am never supposed to be kept. Precedent findings nudged us to act accordingly, so I accepted my damnation on a silver platter with absent feeling of remorse.
05
05
"
F e e l s o f a
B i n g e B i n g e r
"
F e e l s B i n g e
SLEEF XERF
07
O f
A
B i n g e r
Deep down, I feel the voice of my spirit refusing not to be suppressed. Inevitably, I fall underneath shadows, hard as I try not to. Feeling myself slip into another form of being, I, the host of my fears, long to be induced into a trance of silence. These redundant out of character behaviors are starting to take a toll on me and everyone around me. Confusion, stemming from fear of the unknown, accelerates these redundant behaviors. Unsure of certain measures, in regards to my mental health, have me climbing up a wall. Daily asked questions that go unanswered are starting to drive my manic confusion into unparalleled paranoia. Do I hate being alone physically? Or, do I hate the fear of being alone in the silence? When will the silence stop screaming? In the morning, when there is no reason for my body to rise with the sun, something else still rises. It is accompanied by glass, fire, and ice. Its name is Binger. It caresses glass and craves fire to the ice. It worships the solitary silence and the fear it brings to me. Its sole purpose is to submerge my spirit into dark matter, and I grant permission 100% of the time. I don’t fight it. Quite frankly, that’s the number one reason why I live in paranoid fear. I will let this happen time and time again. Never putting up a fight, I allow Binger to waste me from the inside out. I came to the conclusion long ago that I don’t hate being alone or the screams of silence. I hate myself, yet love when Binger comes to visit me. Only then, I know true happiness. I suppress the fighting spirit because numbing the pain excites Binger. I surrendered to fear. This action required constant numbing, in order for me to feel again. Suppression of myself is the price I pay, and I can live with that.
07
"
0 2 . 2 8 . 1 8 - P r e s e n t D a y
"
0 2 / 2 8 / 1 8 P r e s e n t
SLEEF XERF
09
D a y
I’ve been binging for the past three months straight. This is the worst I’ve ever been. I keep telling myself I need help, but never follow through. I’m ashamed of my addiction. I’m even more ashamed at the fact that I love how I feel and who I am under the influence. I think better, my mind is more productive, and I have more drive and motivation. The bad side to it all is I always wind up destroying every relationship I work so hard to build. Even though I like to get high, I know it’s killing me. Is that the reason I adore it do much? Is that the reason I’d do anything to obtain it? Is that the reason I chose substance over my seed? Over my fiancée? Over my friends? Family? Work? Money? Food? Clothes? Water? Responsibilities? Yes, that’s exactly why. The only reason I still walk the Earth and not lay in a grave of eternal damnation is primarily due to the ignorance and fear of the unknown. On the contrary however, I do in fact know. I know that I am unclean within my soul and spirit. My holy ghost fled this tainted temple long ago. I’m consciously aware of my eternal damnation. I made this choice long ago vi confess that during one of my darkest times in my life, I cursed the Creator and rebelled with the destroyer. This is my damning punishment. To live a life of sorrow, pain, and never ending loss. Conflict after conflict. I cursed myself the day I invited Satan inside. Voluntarily with open arms I embraced evil entities. Somehow, it felt somewhat natural, but also it felt terrifying. Ever since that day, there hasn’t been a day that goes by without contact from my demons. Daily I suffer and cower from my mistakes and decisions. I live in damnation because I want to die. My will is only to administer and deploy damnation and cynical plots. I cannot be rewarded with self imposed death.
09
"
G R E E N
"
G R E E N
11
SLEEF XERF
I’ve learned a lot during my short stay in crazy land. You can conform to crazy faster than you realize that there’s crack in McDonald’s French Fries, sausage biscuits, and hash browns. I frequented crazy quite often. It was s matter if time before the crazy started to soak into my skin and totally infect every cell of my being. It’s the marking if Aten year anniversary of CRAZY. July 2018.smmfh! If only I had seen, did, or done better, everything would be just fine. I don’t know why things happened the way they did. They just .. happened. I’m tired if feeling this way Al the time. I’m tired of being broken. I’m tired if seeing everyone and everything around me broken…because I know I had something to do with it Like that shit is hard to live with day in and day out. The guilt alone tears me up, over and over again. I wish I knew how to get rid of these feelings, but I don’t. Every day Isa stepping block. Stepping towards the right path over time.
-Green
11
"
R E D
"
R E D
SLEEF XERF
Staring. Staring. Staring. @ My life all the damn time. People tell you what to do every second of life. I’m my own person. I’m my own being. I can make my own decisions, right? Right. I’m coming to a vast decision that this is quite impossible. Never has there been a time that I have gotten to make my own decision without a rebuttal. Like GD! What does a sista have to do to get some recognition around here? Some kind of ,”I see you girl” or “good job, keep up the good work”…something. Anything would be great actually. I’m being taken as a joke and I don’t like it one bit. TBH I hate the shit. It’s so hard to fathom the fuckery actually. Basic courtesy actually. I give you all the recognition you want, and get no type of credit back…even if it was my idea I the first place. I hate to be down played, and quite frankly, I’m over the entire situation. I’VE BEEN over this entire situation. I guess I’m just ranting to yet again nobody. All by myself with thoughts. Back to crazy land I good…whoa.
-Red 13
13
"
G R A Y
"
G R A Y
SLEEF XERF
I never thought I’d be in this space again. It’s too crowded for me. I’m starting to feel claustrophobic. I can’t breathe. This was the scariest feeling I’ve ever had in my life. Today I had an emotional breakdown. I know I have already self identified trigger types that am consciously aware of. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to go through continuous attacks on my mind. I fear that one day I will give up and stop analyzing what this 'condition' is. How can I produce and wield solution to suppress these attacks to a lesser type of reaction. I need to let go of it. You know what you need to do. Hey, it’s ok to let go, ok? I need to let go of it You know what you need to do. Hey, it’s ok to let go, ok? I need to let go of it. Hey, it’s ok to let go, ok? I need you to know what you need to do. What have you done? Why did you stay!? What have you done? Why did you stay? Do you hate yourself? Do you want to?
-Grey
15
15
C l i c h e
C l i c h e
SLEEF XERF
17
I woke up thinking about you, wishing you were still here. I'm wanting something I can't have, and being undeserving is a major factor as well. Even so, the fire is still kept and burning hotter than ever. I can never forget the first time we met. That was the moment my life changed forever. Thursday May 23rd, 2013. The first day I looked into your eyes, I was hypnotized forever. I was 23 years old and feeling myself a little too much might I add. My friend and I wanted to get out for the night, and what better place to go have drinks on a Thursday night than Partners? I hadn't been out in a while because I was freshly out of a long term relationship. Sad to say, but I was on total creep mode. I was exiting the bathroom, after a successful DIY selfie photoshoot, when our eyes locked. I had never seen or felt such beauty and lust at the same time. I felt as if your eyes were a mystery, and they gave me an engaging invitation. I'm going to be very cliché and say it was love at first sight. I've never wanted someone so badly in my life. I don't just mean sexually, but emotionally. I felt like I needed a Xanax. Anxious doesn't even begin to describe how I was feeling. From the corner of my eye, I saw you get up and head to the ladies room. This was my chance. After a minute or two passed, I was enroot to the ladies room. I finally mustard up the courage to introduce myself. I walked in, and there you stood. Remember, this night I was feeling myself, so I did something I've never done before. I walked right up to you not knowing what was going to happen next. The only thing I could think to say was what I felt to be true. "You are absolutely gorgeous." Shortly after I noticed you weren't totally turned off by getting hit on in a bathroom, I went in for the kill. We exchanged brief conversation that made me want you more. The most important exchange was the phone number. Ever since that night, I have been in love with you. I can honestly say, I fell in love with you at first sight, and I fall deeper every time I look into your eyes. My love for you at first sight might be a tad cliché, but our love has and never will be predictable. Normalized. Cliché. <3
17
M i s s U n i v e r s e
M i s s U n i v e r s e
SLEEF XERF
19
Hello Miss, You are the most beautiful being that I've witnessed. Fortunately, the universe has shed light of favor upon me. Why you ask? Well, the answer is quite simple. You chose me over all else, signifying that I am special to you. These radical emotions that erupt from deep within cannot be contained. They cannot be overthrown. They remain indestructible. I volunteer my efforts to retain those radical emotions in hopes to infinitely woo your spirit into mine. These are the days we will be tested. We will fail each test given, by continuing to judge one another. Our ultimate goal is to find peace within ourselves, furthermore finding peace within each other. Imagine life consumed with love at its purest form. Now, imagine life consumed with flawless hostility. I incept these two differ in meaning but are quite parallel in proportion. No one identity placeholder is greater than the other. They both could distinguish someone's true identity. The placeholder, in which you store your identity, captivated me with intensity. So intense, I fearfully doubted the sincerity of your love. Making that mistake was gravely detrimental to us both. Causing our fresh healed wounds to be pierced and reopened by the blade of tongues. Leaving us nothing but deeper scars of regret. Even though my cowardly conscience was the probable cause of these wounds, I still refer to our parallel as one identity, called 'us'. Meaning, my fear and doubt brought from prior atmospheres corrupted both you and I during this time of self-inflicted confusion. In laymen's terms, I thought you, my universe, were too good to be true. You had to be. Trying to analyze what a human being could never understand, many questions circled in my head like a sea of ruthless piranha. Why did she choose me? How could she feel the way she does towards me? Is she really going to ruin her life like this? Does she not know what I am? Will she ever know where and how I draw my spiritual power? Why is she choosing me instead of life? Why did you allow her to find me? Then again the stars do align in the universe.
19
" G o t
S h e
'
s
H i g h
H o p e s
"
S h e ' s H i g h
SLEEF XERF
21
G o t
H o p e s
“She's Got High Hopes” I’ve been feeling really shitty lately. I’m so over feeling like this btw. Nothing ever seems to add up. I’m constantly second guessing everything. The shit is getting more than old. I just want to crawl up and explode. All of my hard work is for fucking nothing! Nothing but more and more bashing! More and more disrespect. More and more disloyalty. More and more dry spells. A bitch like me is doing her very best to make things work, but I’m so over it. I love you but I don’t want this anymore. You are my karma for everything unimaginable I’ve done in the past towards the people who loved me. You are karma. You are my karma. You are my karma that was perfectly designed to capture my entire mind, body, heart, and spirit. Whenever you touch me, unexplainable feels rush throughout my entire anatomy. Thes e feels gave me such an indescribable sense of euphoria, addiction soon followed. I sold my soul in hopes of becoming your one true love. Yep, you read correctly. I sold out for hopes. Well…how ironic. High Hopes.
21
FREX FEELS Giving special thanks to those who inspired all of these fuckery type feels.
This project has been in the works since 2016. So glad these feels are out of my system. Discovering how FREX really feels and publishing it, is therapeutic. Thanks for reading. -FREX
