Live @ the lounge

from The Fringe, August 2020

Sustainable solutions: Little actions can have a big impact

Yeah gidday. Lizard here.

I hope you’re all keeping well. My life is much of a muchness. Shaz, Mopey Jesus and me are still squatting in ‘The Warehouse on Rosebank’ but I am really beginning to miss the cut and thrust of the ignoble cul-de-sacs of the Waitākeres.

Sure, there is still ‘Whiskey Wednesdays’ at Wendys in Waima. Granted, we still rock up for a roll up in Ronnys Rambler but it’s not the same. I miss that pressure cooker feeling of panic when it gets towards 3pm and the primary schools create untraversable road blocks. I would have just calmed down from this when it’s was time to present myself for the 5pm footpath gin gins with real-estate Ronda and her perfectly preened playmates. I never knew if my beard was the right shape. Plus, I was always long on chat but short on cash. On this particular Tuesday evening, I rocked back home to a curve ball. I parked Whitevan behind the container and made a beeline for the internal undercover sleeping caravan. As I passed the kitchenette I overheard Gay Gary say to Shaz that he was just going to ask Lizard.

“Ask Lizard what?” I asked.

He said “As you know, I’m getting married to Māori Phil and ‘The Warehouse on Rosebank’ would make a fabulous wedding venue.”

“Nice to be asked,” I said. “Oh, that’s not the question.” said Gay Gary. “No, I was wondering would you be an absolute darling and give me away on the big day?”

I’d hung out with Gay Gary, he was just Gary back then, since Green Bay Primary School. Our first actual conversation was by the tennis courts. I’d nicked Sally Henderson’s racket and was hitting stones across Godley Road with it. Gary was just standing and staring at Mr Owens, the tennis coach. “Isn’t he dreamy?” said Gary. It was from then on he became known as Gay Gary.

“It would be an absolute honour mate. When’s the big day?” I asked.

Just then, Māori Phil strolled in. “Aye, Kia ora Lizard. That’s awesome bro. Traditionally Māori weddings are when Kōpū or Venus is closest to earth so there’s more chance of conception. Obviously that’s not a priority when it comes to a couple of old blokes.” He continued “Also a tradition is pau te marena. This is when the tribe, mainly the elders, would gather around to witness the first consummation of the couple.” When he explained ‘consummation’, I said “No bloody way.”

Māori Phil said that I should relax. “I’m 78 years old, bro. We’re more likely to spend the evening lying in bed watching The Graham Norton Show with a cup of hot cocoa and a couple of homemade shortbread biscuits.”

STIHL SH 56 C-E PETROL VACUUM BLOWER $545 93 WEST COAST ROAD GLEN EDEN Proud to be a Westie T-shirts Now available from 426 Great North Rd, Henderson Ph 838 4455

“True that,” said Gay Gary. “The shortbread will definitely be the only thing getting dunked.” We all had a giggle and then Mopey Jesus said the he preferred a chocolate finger.

“Don’t we all,” said Gay Gary. “Don’t we all.” Well, things quickly began to take shape. Māori Phil’s brother, Hemi and me started preparations for the hāngī. Hemi said,”it’s actually an Umu Kotore not a hāngī for the marriage feast. It’s a special ceremonial wedding oven to solemnise and signify the touching of thighs.” “Oh man. Once again, too much information.” Shaz and Māori Phil’s aunties were making amazing progress with the giant rainbow coloured tāniko weaving. Gay Gary got a tear in his eye when Māori Phil’s tamariki presented the wedding couple with two stunning korowai. The cloaks were actually dyed duck feathers and no birds actually died. Well, maybe a few ducks and a couple of chooks but they would add to the feast. Lizard Junior had cruised by to lend a hand. When he was chatting to Eru, Māori Phil’s 60-year old son, he asked, “Was Māori Phil always a homosexual?” “No way man. There was no such thing as a homo back in the fifties. In fact, there has still never been a gay All Black.” “Well,” began Hemi. “Before I finally hung up my footy boots, me and Phil were playing for Ponsonby and the All Blacks were about to go on tour. Now I got this directly from the horse’s mouth so it’s the honest truth”…. Just then the microwave pinged and Gay Gary yelled that the quiche was ready and to dig in while it was hot. That night, as we all sat around the brazier, Mopey Jesus must have noticed Hemi was unusually quiet.

“You alright bro?” he asked Hemi. “Yeah sweet, thanks. I was just thinking how brave my big brother was back then. It took real guts being the only takataapui in the whānau. Especially with heaps of kids. His ex was actually quite sweet about it. He is still awesome with their mokopuna and Gay Gary will be a really hard case brother-in-law.”

Mopey Jesus patted Hemi on the back and said “everyone deserves love and when you think about it, everyone is love.” Bloody oath, I thought. It was then I quietly got up and went over to the stereo. I gently lifted the needle off the Abba record and threw it as far as I could up the creek.

“There’s such a thing as too gay,”I said.

“True,” said Eru. “True dat, bro.”