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“But wait. Sign up today and be one of the first two thousand readers to get in touch, and you’ll receive a second funeral. Free.”

Good day and thank you for taking this time out of your precious day to contemplate the inevitable.

Lizard, that fine scallywag we all so adore, has graced me with this space to discuss funeral expenses. My name is Benedict Trustworthy. I represent Dependable Adult Demise Services or D.A.D.S.

If we have a whoopsie, or at 67 we decide it’s a great idea to get a young family member to tattoo our arm, or accidentally put salt instead of sugar in a sponge cake, or foolishly try a new experimental hairdresser, or, at 73, take up skateboarding while at a wall climbing facility whilst pregnant with little jelly bean on our wedding day and risking getting flack from our mates, that’s all OK but we must discuss finally kicking the bucket.

When the last butterfly flutters by; when the heavenly trumpets herald us off our perch; when we pop our clogs; when the fatty cholesterol molecules accumulated in the small arteries supplying vital oxygen to the brain explode, sending us into six years of mouth-dribbling coma ... there ... that wasn’t so hard was it?

We won’t have to pick up the tab when the final whistle blows. If you’re over 50, we don’t even mind if you’re crook, we guarantee to take your donations for bereavement reassurance for eternity, or which ever comes first.

There are no medicals. And almost immediately, once dead, of course, you will receive all your money back or $30,000, which ever is greater.

We take nothing but the satisfaction of ensuring a stress-free burial for your loved ones.

If, say, 30 friends attend your funeral, that amount allows for a grand a head. More than enough to cater hundreds of asparagus rolls, sausage rolls and dozens more conveniently proportioned finger foods.

You could pre-arrange to have 20 white doves released or a Roy Orbison impersonator to sing Crying. Or be wheeled behind a horse-drawn carriage with the PA thumping out Elton John’s, Funeral for a Friend.

How fitting an end to a largely disappointing life that’s first glimpse of potential so quickly spiralled downward, eventually collapsing in the back room of an

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electrical goods repair shop in a fading western suburb, married to the half-witted pregnant best friend of the schoolmate you were too shy to talk to.

You knew the earth wire was green?

Your grandson and his Japanese fiancé (what’s her name?) won’t have to reluctantly scrape together the airfare to fly across from Australia, tagging on an extra two days to visit Rotorua to see the hot pools.

We pay out within 48 hours of the final breath, confirmed by a doctor or someone similarly qualified.

We can recommend very reliable graphic editors who can put together wonderful projector effects so the thoughts of you that will already be fading will not be consigned to some seldom-visited storeroom of memory, to sit alongside your collected regrets and misgivings.

But wait. Sign up today and be one of the first two thousand readers to get in touch, and you’ll receive a second funeral. Free. That’s right, get buried today, then re-live another burial later on. That’s why people always say, ‘we only meet at funerals.’ Brilliant.

Each weekly payment will be a fitting and constant reminder that we are all going to die. If you misplace this Fringe magazine (copies available at the library) don’t worry, we have placed five advertisements on the television every hour as a gentle prompt to think about dying.

So dear friends, it’s high time to get on with living. For your funeral investment you can be completely confident that your on-going commitment is securely underwritten by Quiet Springs Retirement Golf Aquatic Theme Reverse Mortgage Assurance Life Style Digital Villages Insurances and Sons Ltd.

We look forward to hearing from you,

Benedict Trustworthy, 10899E Konguk Avenue, Kijong-dong, North Korea.

Leave a gift to nature.

Bequests can be made to “Royal Forest and Bird Protection Society of New Zealand Inc”. For more information on how to make a bequest contact: Fundraising Manager, Forest & Bird PO Box 631, Wellington Freephone: 0800 200 064

Watkins Plumbing Services Ltd

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