CRACK UP’S

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."

Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average."

Policeman: "About a gallon."

After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo. When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What was that all about?”

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One day Max went to see Carl. Carl had a big swollen nose.

“Whoa, what happened, Carl?”, Max asked. “I sniffed a brose,” Carl replied.

“What?”, Max said. “There’s no ‘b’ in rose!”

Carl replied, “There was in this one!”

A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him. He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying, "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!"

The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says, "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive..."

Patient: "Doc, my bum hurts..."

Doctor: "Where specifically does it hurt?"

Patient: "Right around the entrance."

Doctor: "Yeah well that's the exit. As long as you think it's an entrance, it'll continue to hurt."