FUNNIES EXTRA! MAT-SU #19 - JAN 2013 by Zack Lanphier

FREE!

MAT-SU VALLEY

****

VOLUME 2 , NO. 19

LOOSE PARTS

by DAVE BLAZEK

HAVE A LAUGH ON US! OFF THE MARK

by MARK PARISI

JANUARY 2013 SPECTICKLES

by BILL ABBOTT

Mention this ad at our shop & receive a FREE 2 oz. Pot Pack of Coffee Co

****

4576 South Glenn Hwy, Palmer

Mat-Su Valley’s Monthly Humor Paper! Your Local Source for Comics, Word Games, Puzzles, Humor Columns and More! To Advertise, email: funnies.matsu@gmail.com

CHUCKLE BROS by BRIAN & RON BOYCHUK

by BRAD DILLER © Copyright B&L Capital / Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

FUNDAYMORNING.com

CAPTION CONTEST

Send your best caption to: submissions@funnies-extra.com and type “Caption Contest” in the subject line. The winning caption will be published with the winner’s name, age, city and state two editions later, with permission.

“hear that...? Me neither. that’s our money talking.”

(Void where prohibited.) DON’T FORGET TO INCLUDE YOUR NAME, INFO & EDITION #!

2 ǁ FUNNIES EXTRA! MAT-SU VALLEY EDITION

www.funnies-extra.com

VOL 2, NO. 19 - JANUARY, 2013

Your One-Stop Flag and Veteran Shop

WIZARD OF ID

by PARKER, MASTROIANNI AND HART

490 E. Railroad Ave, Wasilla

907-355-8817

CREEK by BRIAN MARTIN

Largest in-stock inventory in Alaska! Pins • Patches Hats • Decals Magnetic Ribbons Flags • T-Shirts Military Surplus Like us on:

New Hours: Tue-Sat 11-6pm www.burkesmilitaryandflags.net

*Long ago, if people wanted to get rid of members of their Clan without killing them, they used to burn their houses down -- hence the expression “to get fired.” *The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland’s daughter, Ruth.

EEK!

by SCOTT NICKEL

Zack Lanphier - Publisher funnies.matsu@gmail.com

(Message Only) 907-775-9160 ~ (Office) 760-917-2417 12901 W. Arctic Avenue, Palmer, AK 99645 Office Hours: 9-5 Mon-Thu, 9-2 Fri Ad Deadlines: Friday Noon - 3 weeks prior to Distribution Date If proof is required - Thursday Noon

EDITION #17 CAPTION CONTEST WINNER! THIS KINDA BRINGS NEW MEANING TO “DEADLIEST CATCH!”

Sean Neikamp, Age 20, Palmer, AK

dist. by InkBottleSyndicate.com

HOOSIERVILLE

by MARK BRAYER

Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

VOL 2, NO. 19 - JANUARY, 2013 ǁ www.funnies-extra.com ǁ FUNNIES EXTRA! MAT-SU VALLEY EDITION ǁ 3

4 ǁ FUNNIES EXTRA! MAT-SU VALLEY EDITION ǁ

by BRIAN MARTIN

ANSWERS AT: www.funnies-extra.com/puzzles

WORD GAMES P U Z Z L E S IMAGINE THAT STRANGER THINGS by TIM THOMSON

Answer To Last Month’s Sudoku

www.funnies-extra.com ǁ VOL 2, NO. 19 - JANUARY, 2013

HARA KIWI

by LECTRR

THE DOOZIES

by TOM GAMMILL

FRANK AND STEINWAY

Distributed by nkBottleSyndicate, LLC

*The Liberace Museum has a mirrorplated Rolls Royce; jewel-encrusted capes, and the largest rhinestone in the world, weighing 59 pounds and is almost a foot in diameter.

FUNNY PAPER

by DANIEL COLLINS

Your Local Full Facility Fitness Center Located at the corner of Palmer/Wasilla & Hemmer Rd.

746-3305 n

AGAINST THE GRAIN

o Fitness ! e the Hous

Have a week free on us OR join now and receive your

FIRST MONTH FREE! Offer good for the month of January! For a complete list of amenities go to:

www.peakfitnessonline.net

VOL 2, NO. 19 - JANUARY, 2013 ǁ www.funnies-extra.com ǁ FUNNIES EXTRA! MAT-SU VALLEY EDITION ǁ 5

WORD FIND BY MIA VONNE

Get a better Job faster!

Kristin, medical assistant charter college graduate

Kristin became a medical assistant in 11 months.

PIZZA TOPPINGS

medical assistant classes start soon

You can too. demand for medical assistants in alaska is expected to grow by over 31% through 2020, with median salaries of $38,500.* A medical assistant certificate from charter college could prepare you for this growing and rewarding career.

call now! 800.778.7930 chartercollege.edu

choose from accelerated certificate, associate, and bachelor deGree proGrams in: Charter College Wasilla 721 W. Parks Highway

Business Health Care Legal/Criminal Justice see website for complete program list and locations.

* Alaska Department of Labor & Workforce Development. October 31, 2012. http://live.laborstats.alaska.gov/occfcst/index.cfm For more information about our graduation rates, the median debt of students who completed the program, and other important information, please visit our website at: CharterCollege.edu

WA 1746 - Mat Su Funnies Ad 12.1 - Kristin | 3.75 x 5.25

by CRYSTAL JONES

Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

CRANKY GIRL

by BRIDGETT SPICER

Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

SQUID ROW

6 ǁ FUNNIES EXTRA! MAT-SU VALLEY EDITION

www.funnies-extra.com ǁ

VOL 2, NO. 19 - JANUARY, 2013

DINGERS

by JIM & PAT McGREAL

Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

FUTURE SHOCK

Join Funnies Extra! on FaceBook and Twitter!

FACEBOOK: /FunniesExtra ~ TWITTER: /funniesextra

by MICHAEL KANDALAFT

Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

THAT MONKEY TUNE

THERE WAS AN OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A JIMMY CHOO.

Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

GRUMAN CIR.

HERE WE BE With This Ad: Buy Any Small Pizza at Regular Price and Get a Free Soda or Water (pick up only)

BOGARD RD BOGARG RD

SELDON

CROSSROADS CENTER

TESORO COUNTRY STORE

376-9883 376-9884

Mon-Sat: 11am-9pm, Sun: Closed

Mile 4 Bogard Road • Wasilla Next to Little Millers Delivery & Pick-Up Only!

VOL 2, NO. 19 - JANUARY, 2013 ǁ www.funnies-extra.com ǁ FUNNIES EXTRA! MAT-SU VALLEY EDITION ǁ 7

DOGS OF C-KENNEL

by MICK & MASON MASTROIANNI

by RICK HOTTON dist. by InkBottleSyndicate.com

HOLY MOLÉ

KARMA CAFÉ KARMA SEE...

by RICHARD CROSS & BILL ABBOTT

HALF BAKED

8 ǁ FUNNIES EXTRA! MAT-SU VALLEY EDITION

www.funnies-extra.com ǁ

cheesecakes, over 70 varieties, as well as wonderfully decadent treats! All made with the ﬁnest and freshest ingredients available!

Come Celebrate 20 Years!

HEY, YOU! THIS IS YOUR MESS. YOU CLEAN IT UP!

info@karma-cafe.net

Mon-Sat 12-7pm Sun 1-5pm

www.facebook.com/AlaskaCheesecakeCompanySuiteF

KARMA DO.

HEY, YOU! THIS IS YOUR MESS. YOU CLEAN IT UP!

617 Knik_ Goose Bay Rd Wasilla Premium 907-373-3392 handmade

by RICK ELLIS

VOL 2, NO. 19 - JANUARY, 2013

THE OTHER COAST

by ADRIAN RAESIDE

Abby’s Home Cooking Breakfast • Lunch • Dinner

Daily Dinner Specials, and Desserts Private Parties

FRESH Homemade Breads Handmade Soups Pies from Scratch

RALF THE DESTROYER

by SCOTT LINCOLN

Don’t See it on the Menu? JUST ASK! Dine In or Carry Out Tue-Sat 9am-8pm Sun 11am-5pm

Corner of Church Rd. and Seldon Rd. Wasilla AK 376-1655

dist. by InkBottleSyndicate.com

SUNSHINE STATE

“The Pizza Lover’s Pizza!”

Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

**Free 2-liter Soda with purchase of Extra Large Pizza**

by GRAHAM NOLAN

PICKLES

by BRIAN CRANE

Delivery & Pickup Only! Mon-Sat: 11:00 am - 9:00 pm Sun: Closed $2.00 Delivery fee within 5 miles VOL 2, NO. 19 - JANUARY, 2013 ǁ www.funnies-extra.com ǁ FUNNIES EXTRA! MAT-SU VALLEY EDITION ǁ 9

OPEN MOUTH...INSERT FOOT

Brought to you by:

Jim Lein writes about adventure, life, music, and parenthood and has learned that most good stories don’t begin with, “and then I decided to keep my mouth shut.” His home in the Colorado Rockies serves both as an office and as a base camp for a variety of outdoor and musical activities. He has been published in numerous trade journals, business publications, and lifestyle magazines and is now a weekly contributor to Funnies Extra!. ©2012 Jim Lein / Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

Random Acts Of Plowing By Jim “Snow” Lein

or many years, I relied on the sun for snow removal. But a shaded, icy bend in my driveway can challenge even the most surefooted vehicle. Pre-snowplow, each time a storm rolled through I’d peer out the window, steaming cup of cocoa in hand, and frown with concern as I watched my wife scrape and shovel the curve down to the pavement. Then a friend offered me a sweet deal on his red Honda ATV with a shiny, yellow plow. I hesitated until my wife bopped me on the head with a battle-scarred shovel. I awoke one December Saturday to a foot of powder blanketing the driveway. The garage door rattled open. The Honda growled to life and dropped its blade. I had no training—not even Snow Plowing for Dummies. And plowing dry practice runs in the fall might have made my neighbors wonder if I had finally lost it. So I just mimicked the county plow drivers. I have a master’s degree. How hard could it be? On that first pass, bone-dry snow blew past my goggles like face shots on a Vail powder day. The hungry Honda made short work

of the driveway and I surveyed the landscape for bigger challenges. Since plowing was so fun why not randomly knock off a few more driveways? Store up some goodwill for the next time I tick somebody off by leaving my garbage cans out three days after pickup. My neighbor, Paul, was chugging along with his temperamental snow blower. I’d snitched firewood from his stack once—maybe twice. I swerved around him, pirouetting in front of the garage, and cleared his driveway in a dozen passes. Thanks for the firewood. I made short work of the long and rutted lane of Rolf and Sondra, elderly neighbors. No one was home to witness my labor. My reward will be in heaven. Next, I cleared the short, flat driveway of John, an overseas airline pilot. He emerged from the house brandishing a bottle of wine like a waiter at a fine restaurant. “This is my favorite Israeli vintage,” he said. I accepted the gift to make John feel good. Yet another selfless act. And so on, and so on. That evening, I lounged before a crackling stack of Paul’s pine, sipping a fine Israeli wine—the model man of the house and beloved neighborhood Good Samaritan. I toasted myself, flames shimmering through burgundy-tinted liquid. The phone rang. “Jeem!” Rolf cried in heavily accented English. “Sondra and I are so grateful. She is terrified of being

10 ǁ FUNNIES EXTRA! MAT-SU VALLEY EDITION

www.funnies-extra.com ǁ

snowed in because she has a condition, you know.” No problem. The next weekend a ferocious storm dropped four feet of heavy snow. Whistling merrily, I mounted the ATV—unaware that some hard lessons in plowing lurked outside the door. Lesson One: ATVs cannot push four feet of snow uphill. Six feet from the garage the wheels churned desperately. Paul and his finicky snow blower crept toward my garage, clearing an escape route for my Honda. Coincidentally, the route led right up to his garage, so of course I cleared his driveway first. My cell phone rang. “Jeem!” Rolf exclaimed. “What is your plan? Sondra has a condition, you know!” I did not have a plan or a clue. Lesson Two: Always push the snow as far off the driveway as possible. Rolf ’s driveway was like an icy Winter Olympics luge course. My plow blade bucked off the walls of snow hardened like concrete since my plowing debut. I had to push each load hundreds of feet down Rolf ’s driveway and dump it on the main road. Lesson Three: Keep your jacket hood down to avoid becoming the hood ornament of a passing county plow as you plunge blindly onto the road. Lesson Four: Memorize in the off-season any decorative landscaping near driveways you intend to randomly plow. Sorry about the lawn gnome, John.

VOL 2, NO. 19 - JANUARY, 2013

Doin’ It Alaska Style ALASKA-MADE CERAMICS

907-232-2896 home.gci.net/~jbrown

It snowed hard as darkness fell. I stuffed iPod earbuds under my fauxrabbit-fur flaps to temper the mindnumbing tedium and laced my cocoa with just a nip of schnapps. I didn’t want to get busted for PWI—Plowing While Intoxicated. Carpal-tunnel-like spasms twisted my hand, worn out from hours of shifting between forward and reverse. Falling snow melted on my gaudy hat and trickled down the back of my spine as a precursor to hypothermia. Hours after dark, I limped on fumes down that first solitary path Paul had cut through my own snow-clogged driveway. Mother Nature delivered four consecutive weekend storms that December. By New Year’s, my driveway was a miniature relief of the Grand Canyon, towering ramparts of granite-like snow. Unsuspecting visitors plugged their vehicles between the canyon walls as they attempted a turnaround. Legend has it that Eskimos have as many as four hundred words for “snow.” I’ve added a few more colorful adjectives to the vocabulary. My strategy now is “Considerate” Acts of Plowing. But I always get to Rolf ’s driveway, eventually. Sondra has a condition, you know.

BIZ

by DAVE BLAZEK

Distributed by ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

by DANIEL BORIS

Distributed by ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

HOXWINDER HALL

*The earliest recorded case of a man giving up smoking was on April 5, 1679, when Johan Katsu, Sheriff of Turku, Finland, wrote in his diary, “I quit smoking tobacco.” He died one month later. *The average person spends about 2 years on the phone in a lifetime. *The first product to have a bar code was a pack of Wrigley’s gum.

WOODY NEVER REALIZED THE ERROR HE HAD MADE.

by ROBERT DUCKETT IDEA SUBMITTED BY: DAVID BURKE, POPLAR BLUFF, MO SUBMIT IDEAS TO WWW.15MINUTES.COM

15 MINUTES

VOL 2, NO. 19 - JANUARY, 2013 ǁ www.funnies-extra.com ǁ FUNNIES EXTRA! MAT-SU VALLEY EDITION ǁ 11

CRIME-QUIZ

by WERNER WEJP-OLSEN

THIN LINES

by Randy Glasbergen

Using the method of elimination, suspect #2 has to be the killer. Suspect #1 is out due to her gender, and suspect #3 is telling the truth. Had he in fact been eating the chicken from the scene of the crime, chicken bones would have been lined up on his plate.

FUNNIES EXTRA, LLC CORPORATE OFFICE: 6822 22nd Avenue North, #134, St. Petersburg, FL 33710 (office) 727-343-1243 (fax) 727-343-4477 www.funnies-extra.com ~ info@funnies-extra.com

12 ǁ FUNNIES EXTRA! MAT-SU VALLEY EDITION

Kim Kellogg - Editor ~ editor@funnies-extra.com Bill Kellogg - VP Sales & Marketing sales@funnies-extra.com ~ 907-441-6882 Richard Cross - Executive Publisher publisher@funnies-extra.com ~ Tel. 727-343-1243

www.funnies-extra.com ǁ

VOL 2, NO. 19 - JANUARY, 2013

Mention this Ad for 50% off your total purchase! (up to $20 value) Hours:

M-W 10:30 AM - 6:30 PM --- F & S 10:30 AM - 6:30 PM

dist. by InkBottleSyndicate.com

AMAZING MAZES

by Sheila Anderson

www.faceb k.com/tasteslikechickencomic

Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

Tastes LikeBYChicken JOSH ALVES

PUZZLE ANSWERS AT: www.funnies-extra.com/puzzles

VOL 2, NO. 19 - JANUARY, 2013 ǁ www.funnies-extra.com ǁ FUNNIES EXTRA! MAT-SU VALLEY EDITION ǁ 13

Cartoonist Sp tlight

Each quarter, Funnies Extra! will shine the Spotlight on new or little-known aspiring cartoonists and pay them for their ‘toons, too! Comic strips and panels will be published from cartoonists of any age along with a pic and short bio. Send each strip as a PDF file, 300 dpi, CMYK, along with your name, age, address and phone number. Send 5 to 10 color submissions to: submissions@funnies-extra.com and type “Spotlight” in the subject line. Good luck! For submission guidelines and information, go to: www.funnies-extra.com/submissions. (Participation void where prohibited.)

by MARK SIMON

dist. by InkBottleSyndicate.com

HOLLYWEIRD

MARK SIMON - Producer/Director/Cartoonist Mark Simon is a 25-year film & TV veteran amassing over 3,000 production credits including animation producer on Larry the Cable Guy’s latest movie, Tooth Fairy 2. His storyboard and animation companies can be found online at www.Storyboards-East.com and include clients such as: Disney, Universal, Viacom, Sony, HBO, Nickelodeon, FOX, Steven Spielberg, USA Networks, ABC Television and many others. Mark’s experience selling original TV series led to his founding www.SellYourTvConceptNow.com to mentor other creators. He is also the author of 10 popular industry texts, and lectures around the world at major conferences, entertainment trade schools and universities.

Distributed by www.InkBottleSyndicate,.com

POCKET LINT

by CHUCK DOWNS

CHUCK DOWNS - Cartoonist Haikus amuse me But sometimes can confuse me Refrigerator I always find random things in my pockets at the end of the day: paper clips, gum wrappers, dry cleaning receipts and the everpresent lint. These drawings are what’s left in my head when the day is done: the random “pocket lint” of my brain. Chuck Downs is a carbon-based form of cartoonist who lives in Florida with his wife and two children. By day, he is vice president of marketing for a company that clearly does not conduct very thorough background checks. By night, he fights crime. Now that he is older, his experience only walks the gamut for fear of pulling a hamstring. He often “misuses” quotation marks, and likes to frequently split his infinitives.

14 ǁ FUNNIES EXTRA! MAT-SU VALLEY EDITION

www.funnies-extra.com ǁ

VOL 2, NO. 19 - JANUARY, 2013

R E A L E S TAT E For a knowledgeable valley Realtor call Marty or Jay today! More than 20 years in Palmer and Wasilla helping people with real estate.

Marty Van Diest/ Broker 907.232.7900 marty@valleymarket.com

Jay Van Diest/ Sales Associate 907.232.4852 jay@valleymarket.com

www.valleymarket.com SPEED BUMP

by DAVE COVERLY

THE DEEP END

by TYSON COLE

dist. by InkBottleSyndicate.com

Answers To Last Month’s Crossword

VOL 2, NO. 19 - JANUARY, 2013 ǁ www.funnies-extra.com ǁ FUNNIES EXTRA! MAT-SU VALLEY EDITION ǁ 15

R E A L E S TAT E

by MASTROIANNI AND HART

R E P P O H A

E M O H Y P P A IS A H E M HO

FREE WHOLE-HOME HD DVR WITH QUALIFYING PACKAGES Monthly DVR fees and receiver fees apply.

THE MOST TECHNICALLY ADVANCED WHOLE-HOME HD DVR SYSTEM. s Watch 4 HD programs on different TVs s PrimeTime Anytime lets you record every primetime show in HD on the four major networks* s AutoHop lets you skip commercials automatically when you play back recorded primetime shows* TM

* Feature must be enabled by customer.

fit K in here

fit K

CALL MICROCOM TODAY!

k As TV t ou our b A r Y s! Fo ines s Bu

Wasilla 376-0444

www.microcom.tv

Palmer 746-3488

AutoHop feature is only available with playback of select HD primetime shows on ABC, CBS, FOX and NBC as part of PrimeTime Anytime feature. Both features must be enabled by customer and are subject to availability. Digital Home Advantage plan requires 24-month agreement and credit qualification. Cancellation fee of $17.50/month remaining applies if service is terminated before end of agreement. With qualifying packages, Online Bonus credit requires AutoPay with Paperless Billing, email opt-in for DISH E-Newsletter, and online redemption at www.mydish.com/getonlinebonus no later than 45 days from service activation. After applicable promotional period, then-current price will apply. Upfront fee, monthly fees, and limits on number and type of receivers will apply. PrimeTime Anytime feature not available in all markets. All prices, packages, programming, features, functionality and offers subject to change without notice. Additional restrictions may apply. Offer available for new and qualified former customers and ends 1/31/13.

fit K in here

FAMILY FUNNIES FORMULATED FROM FAN FAVORITES!

fit K