HOROSCOPES FOR MAY

Aries

Hey Aries, Happy May! You guys are flaming hot… usually. This month is going to be very cold for you, which is fitting, considering we’re heading towards winter! You’ll need to make a big trip to Kathmandu this month (the shop, not the place). You might find people being frigid, too. You’ll feel as if your heart is on fire while everyone else’s is frosty. Chin up, though — this is why you’re the life of the party! You’re meant to thaw those losers out of their icebergs!

Taurus Gemini

What’s up, Taurus? The sky! Oh come on, laugh a little. Here’s a reason to lift your spirits — partying! For some of you, it’s your birthday, which means you can get away with a lot of things (*evil laugh). But only for 24 hours. Once the clock strikes 12, the spell will break, and you’ll realise just how hard you partied. And for those Taurians who don’t have their birthday in May…hope you’re invited to the party, I guess?

It’s the Twins! Howdy, Geminis. Now, some of you may also be having your birthday this month. But, you guys will be feeling old. Your body will ache in the weirdest of places, you’ll start having an obsession with taxes, you’ll realise you’re dressing eerily similar to your parents/guardians. You may even have multiple Sims moments in which you’ll walk into a room and forget just why you’re there! Not to worry, though — the stars say this will only last a month. Unless you’re above 35…can’t help you old-timers, I’m afraid. Can I offer some Nurofen?

Cancer Leo Virgo

What did I say about not crying, Cancers?! Gosh, you guys annoy me. Probably because I’m an Aries, but I digress. The jig is up this month — you’ve got to come clean. Tell that person how you feel. My third-eye detects a Cancerian wanting to tell someone else that they’re stinky. Maybe don’t tell someone that unless you know them (they can take it). Oh, and yeah, confess your crushes and all that.

Hey, it’s the Zodiac’s honorary divas - Leos! Doesn’t it get annoying, being so goodlooking? Well, it will this month. You’ll be getting attention left and right, up and down, in the middle…you’ll practically beg for a moment alone! Tip: scowling only makes it worse — it gives you a je ne sais quoi quality that attracts people like moths to a bonfire. Maybe you should barricade your doors and windows for a month? That might keep the moths out.

Hey Virgos. Look, I don’t want to be blunt, but have you tried having fun recently? Stop working slavishly on that project of yours. Whether it’s your magnum opus or not, it’s not going to get done in a day. I feel like the flamboyant best friend in a rom-com telling the goal-oriented protagonist to ‘just live a little’! Organise a catch-up with your mates, go to the Tav for a pint, drive up to the Hills and be a hippie in nature (bring a psychedelic jacket, though — it’s frosty). Peace and love.