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Expert etiquette advice from John Bridges

SPLIT TONGUES

A couple of months back, over co ee, a friend told me that she and her husband were getting a divorce. She really didn’t seem particularly troubled when she told me about the split-up — no tears or anything. She and I aren’t all that close as friends, so I shared her news with other friends. Now, it seems that the divorce isn’t going to happen, and she’s sent me an email railing at me for gossiping, but it didn’t seem precisely like gossip to me. She said that I’ve done “irreparable damage” to their marriage. But she didn’t say she was sharing a secret when we talked. How was I to know? I need to know if I did the wrong thing, or didn’t. — Anonymous, Brentwood

Your less-than-precise definition of “gossip” needs a little honing. Perhaps the woman on the verge of a divorce should have kept her secret to herself, even if it wasn’t a secret. But why did she unburden herself to you, especially if you’re not “close friends”? Maybe you were the listening ear of the moment, or maybe she was just thinking aloud. Who knows? She probably chose the wrong shoulder to cry on, even without the tears. That was her mistake. Yours was spreading the story among your friends, who very likely don’t know her any better than you do. (Nobody needs to know anything they don’t need to know, you know.) The marriage seems to be in good repair, but the secret is broken, as is your semifriendship. Trust me, she won’t be making that same mistake again.

THE CORK CHARGE

A friend of mine made a dinner reservation for four of us. We got together for a drink at her place before we headed out to the restaurant. When we got to the table, everybody (except for the one of us who doesn’t drink liquor) ordered a glass of wine. But we all had to wait while she had six sips of wine before she made her choice. en, she proceeded to have two more glasses. When the bill came, she suggested that we split it four ways. Of course, we could have said no, but we all pitched in as directed, even the nondrinker. I think, even after the fact, I need to say something. Tell me what to say, please. — Anonymous, Sylvan Park

Sometimes, decisions are hard to make, especially after sipping and sipping again and again in search of that perfect Chardonnay, especially when we’re already a bit pre-oiled. Yes, the lady with the refined oenophile taste pulled the table together, but the evening fell apart when the check showed up. There’s no reason any of you shouldn’t have spoken up in defense of yourselves or at least on behalf of the meek one who stuck with water or iced tea or whatever the whole night long. Meek though she may have been, she was the right one to hold her own. Restaurants have computers now, you know; separate checks don’t require a return trip to the cash register anymore. Go ahead and call the disorganized organizer of the evening. These days, phone calls like those are sometimes called “interventions.”

BY JOHN BRIDGES John is the author of How To Be a Gentleman and the co-author, with Bryan Curtis, of other books in the GentlemannersTM series. Send your Best Behavior questions to jbridges@nfocusmagazine.com, and check out his up-to-theminute advice on life’s puzzling problems every Friday at nfocusmagazine.com.