1 minute read
Sharon's shenanigans
The benefits of barking
COMMENTARY BY SHARON FLOREZ, OPINION EDITOR
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Do you suffer from social anxiety? Do you feel an overwhelming amount of pressure from societal expectations? Luckily for you, barking is the ultimate solution to your deep-rooted fears of inadequacy.
For the record, barking is not for everyone. The edgier kids prefer to roar like beasts and act deranged in the late hours of the night — for safety reasons, of course. However, those who do choose to partake in this experimental idea will soon realize that barking is a great form of communication because it sends a clear message. Everyone around you will know that you are a force to be reckoned with.
Let’s say you are walking down a dark alley and a strange man cat-calls you — you are only three barks away from scaring him off. Without a doubt, he will be caught off-guard and think twice about messing with you. If you are in class and feeling inferior, a few barks will instantly declare you as the alpha, a superior being worthy of the utmost respect. By the end of the day, everyone will know you for the immense power you carry.
Additionally, barking offers phenomenal spiritual and mental health benefits. Guaranteed, barking releases you from all societal expectations, deepcleanses your chakras and opens your third eye. Forget meditation. Legend says that in some cases, people report experiencing major glitches in the matrix, astral projection and quantum jumping. Social anxiety? Gone. Stress? Non-existent. Panic attacks? Missing in action. How, you ask? The answer is simple: social dominance — all for only a few barks a day.
Once you declare to others that you will not partake in their fragile perception of reality, you free yourself from set expectations. The world is all yours to take. The system no longer compels you and you are instantly granted complete freedom and control over your life. You become the main character.
So whenever you are feeling uncomfortable or awkward, bark like a dog. If someone is being racist or acting like a Karen, growl and snarl for extra points. Only bite if threatened. It is your world and everyone else is just living in it.
