Quench Issue 13 - 31 May 2004

Q u e n c h t a l k s t o 3 Degrees BMX Champion and ‘King of the Dir t’ Kye For te

OTP on the demise of Marmite

Executive editor Tristan Thomas Quench editor Alex Macpherson Arts Lizzie Brown,Debbie Green,Rachel Pegum Blind Date Kerry-Lynne Doyle,Lisa O’Brien Books Kerry-Lynne Doyle,Maria Thomas Columnists Riath Al-Samarrai,DCGates Debate Jess Webb Digital Gareth Lloyd, Simeon Rosser-Trokas Fashion Caroline Ellis,Perri Lewis Features Vicky Corbett,Rhys James,Emma Langley,Hannah Perry Film Mat Croft,Craig Driver,Alan Woolley Food Mari Ropstad Gay Ian Loynd Going Out Katy Davies,Jenny Duxbury,Lisa Walkley Interviews Will Dean,Louis Grover, Rob Plastow Music Sam Coare,Jon Davies,Anthony Lloyd One Trick Pony James Anthony Photography Gemma Griffiths,Anastasia Nylund Travel Tim Clark,Laura Tovey

Contributors Anita Bhagwandas,Sarah Cummins,Jason Draper,David Ford,Stephanie Fuller,Charlotte Howells,Holly Howitt-Dring,Kris Ilic,Kim Lyon,Andy Parsons,Laura Quinn,Natalie Slater,Nathalie Southall,Rob Telford,John Widdop

Assistant to the editor Elaine Morgan Cover design Mat Croft

Lex’s Law

Alex would like to thank...

irst,a huge thank-you to all of this year’s Quench section editors:your commitment,enthusiasm and talent have all been invaluable to making the magazine the resounding success it is. In particular: Caroline and Bex for getting Fashion Desk off to such a flying start. Anthony for reliability and dedication in difficult circumstances. Gemma and Ana for perseverance and talent. Rhys,for your passion and hard work. Gareth and Simeon,for impeccable standards. Maria - tea,biscuits,cake, wine,ice cold beer; you’re possibly the most perfect person to work with,ever. Mat,your creativity has been legendary. Tim,for unnatural cheeriness at 4amthanks! Perri,your enthusiasm astounds me; you’ll go far. Ian - damn, you’re taken. DC - the most intelligent man Iknow,for always making me think. Jim - have fun with Quench next year,Ihave every confidence in you. The Thursday night crew: Holly, John and Andy,you are three of the funniest, most talented people I know; Ilove what you do. Riath and the sports monkeys,for always re-enacting gay porn scenes. Anna,a beacon of sanity. Pete and John,the buffest news team ever. Gary,for being so easy to teach; good luck next year. Shout-outs to Amy and Steve,erstwhile TVcolleagues and legends. Gemma and Sarah,ghosts of GR past - thanks for the support. Noel,for all the help and advice along the way. Mike - delectable eye candy,the fittest man in the union. Rachel, Elise, Anwen and Sophie for putting up with prolonged absences and erratic washingup. John,for keeping me connected to my degree. Faye, Soph, Chris, Andrew, Jas, Stevie: your support,kind words and brutal honesty have truly kept me sane this year. Inspiration: Alastair Campbell, Courtney Love, Britney and Xtina; Stolichnaya and cheap red wine Last but not least: Tristan:what an awesome year. It’s been an honour to work with someone with your vision,and a pleasure to work with a friend. You need to eat more houmous though. Ria: words simply aren’t enough. Ilove you; let’s take the world. One love to all. Thank-you and goodnight. xxx

On your bike

Rob Plastow meets up with the 3 Degrees BMX Champion and ‘King of the Dirt’ Kye Forte...

When you were a kid your first taste of freedom was discarding the balanced shackles of stabilisers and riding your first bike in a straight line. Looking over your shoulder with delight for recognition you may have ended up in a heap of shiny metal with gravel in your palms and the inevitable dousing of orange spray that stings your fresh wounds. Of course you got back on and continue for days and weeks until you could skid or do a wheelie on your BMX before the mountain bike came to rule the roads.

But in truth they never really went

away. Some kids carried on,not content with the trivial uses of a bike. They made ramps instead,which over the years got bigger and bigger, new feats emerged as balance became spectacular and each rider copied and improved in an attempt to display mind-defying stunts perilously sat atop a tiny frame with a saddle just big enough to avoid insertion on landing. Thirty-two gentlemen, who didn’t leave their BMXs in sheds until their dads sold them or left them to rust,are descending on Cardiff to compete in the 3 Degrees tournament in June. Coming from all

“If you didn’t hurt yourself it wouldn’t be fun. The cool stuff, that’s what makes you want to keep doing it, the fear”

over the world,the riders will be competing for a cash prize and the opportunity to display new tricks that they have spent weeks in casualty for as a consequence of their innovation. With competitors from Canada, America,Australia,Spain and Germany,English hopes are riding on Kye Forte,who won the event last year. In order to repeat his victory Kye will have to show that all that extra Shredded Wheat each morning has gone to good use by pushing the boundaries even further. As the pressure mounts the stakes rise to pull off the impossible,and being that little bit more extreme than your fellow competitors.

Despite the conditions and expectations of the sport Forte could not appear any more laid-back. His attitude is that of a very modest talent who is completely at ease with himself as a performer. His concentration is undeniable though when riding. With such focus and practice it is understandable why he is so relaxed: it is still just his hobby. And that is how he approaches it,very aware that he is in a privileged position and loving every moment of it while remaining humbly grateful.

Kye with last year’s 3 Degrees trophy

With the competition just around the corner,Kye "The King of Dirt" shone some light on what the world of professional BMX riding is all about.

So you used to race and now you do freestyle,but what does that involve?

There’s dirt competitions - jumping man made dirt mounds doing tricks, and there’s Skate which is a jump layout of wood or concrete,which is what the 3 Degrees competition in Cardiff is going to be.

How can you describe what you do to newcomers of the sport?

severe. If it’s anything like that then it should be pretty amazing. I think it’s going to be better this time around as well.

You’ve won a lot of British competitions and many see you as the best in the country,so what do you think about being the champion?

There’s no such thing really,just separate events throughout the year and you just go to each one… just being able to ride and travel,representing good sponsors is an achievement. Winning events is not the best thing for me. Competitions are cool for just riding with friends and stuff. Just rid-

Interview 7

It’s just learning; if you didn’t hurt yourself it wouldn’t be fun. The cool stuff,that’s what makes you want to keep doing it,the fear.

You’ve been a professional for three years,getting paid to travel and ride. Sounds pretty cushy: what other benefits to you get other than the achievement of doing what you have always wanted to do?

You get given free stuff,

Graduation: From this to

From the age of fourteen upwards we are bombarded with career information; from what subjects we choose for GCSE with view to ‘A’ Levels,with view to career choice taking into consideration,what university to go to in order to obtain the best degree for our future vocation, that is if we have one in mind,and if not how to obtain the best degree full stop.

Once at university we spend at least three years being prompted to go to numerous career days,and the importance of work experience is continually thrust upon students. This is not an attack on any of the above things,but merely a question: what actually is the significance of being a graduate?

Better job prospects,more money, lots more money further down the line and better potential for career progression. But forget the jargon answers. What actually happens when graduation is over? Graduates don’t stop buying value orange juice and start buying finest range the minute they hang up their gowns. Being a graduate does not mean immediate or even eventual lifestyle changes.

Money has to be discussed at some point,even if only in indirect consequence to change in lifestyle. The old debate about the point of university and statistically graduates earning more money than non graduates is nothing new. ‘Prospects’,the UK’s official graduate website,charts last year’s Labour Survey to suggest that

this?

graduates earn on average 23% more than school leavers. Statistics,however,are of little use because no one in reality is Mr Average and graduate earnings are largely dependant on degree,region,sex,area of occupation and numerous other factors. Of course this doesn’t take into consideration potential individual student debt now needing to be paid. Increasingly far more students take out loans than don’t; how and when it’s paid off is also dependant on income and length of course.

Graduating is an expensive business,aside from student debt and tuition fees. Even if you start work in the summer of graduation,like with many jobs you may not be paid until at least the next month. In the mean time there is likely to be the expenses of house bonds,transport costs to and from work and new clothing,before you actually earn any decent money.

This doesn’t take into consideration other factors based on your type of degree and experience. If you have a vocational degree and still intend to enter into that vocation,then maybe the career path,at least with regards to what your next steps should be,are more sorted. It is anold cliché but a degree is not always a guarantee of a job earning x amount of money by the time you are thirty. Much of the information promulgated in university careers is on further training. But how, when and where to get the additional training is often subject to the same considerations finding a job.

Money is a factor in choosing where and when to find a job. Going home means cheaper rent and food. There are numerous indicators,including the survey done by NatWest last year that claim more people live with their parents immediately after graduating and for longer periods of time because they can’t afford to move out. Rather than being a liberating factor,having a degree can be a hindrance in contrast to people who have had at least three years footing in the employment market. Then there is always the travelling

option to put off finding a job or take time out to decide what you really want to do.

Many remain in Cardiff living with other students or seek employment on a casual basis rather than starting directly on the career path. Student to Graduate becomes more of a natural progression than distinct change within the space of a few months. After graduating people choose to maintain the ‘student lifestyle’,whatever that may be. Your university town has the attraction of friends and familiarities if you like the place in which you studied.

To move to another part of the country is in some ways more challenging than going to university. Whilst a completely new environment is an attraction to some,unlike when you’re at university,you are not automatically placed with people of a similar age group and you have to make even more of an effort to meet other people with similar interests. There are no three month holidays or even regular intervals at which you can escape home.

Despite the stereotypes,in terms of lifestyle at least there is no such thing as a typical student,and therefore no such thing as a typical graduate. The experiences of what university is,whether that be the type of course or whether you see it as a step towards a career or an interval, all account for deciding what happens after graduation.

Career cures

With Graduation looming, Kim Lyons investigates why making career preparations early is a good idea.

If your goal this year is to gain joint honors in plot analysis of Eastenders and Diagnosis Murder: good luck,the competition is fierce.

Perhaps you do want to be more proactive about your future career but are unsure as to how to go about it. The good news is,that opportunities and advice is abound,if you are willing to have a look

Firstly,and most obviously,visit the careers service. Careers consultant Joanne Gibson says: “While finalists make up the most of our visitors,students from any year are welcome.

“Students will get the most benefit from our services if they visit in their penultimate year.”

In the immediate context of a hangover and coursework due in tomorrow, it is easy to understand why a trip to the careers service to talk about your life remains merely a good intention. But,as Gibson urges: “Half an hour is all it takes. Whether to discuss acquiring work experience for a chosen profession,or making the fundamental choices about what that profession may be,talking it through with a careers officer can help.”

Going to the careers service early is crucial if you are thinking of doing post-grad studies abroad. Often with masters,PCGEs and other specialist training,your future may be in it but your heart isn’t. The careers service can help find scholarships as well as courses if finances are the clinching factor.

Students may be scared of going to the careers service or think it is pointless because you have absolutely no idea what you want to do.

Joanne recognizes this: “There are students other than the enviable types who seem to have been born ambitious and with a step-by-step life plan; there are those who need help in making a decision andthen there are the people we never see.

“By talking through general likes

and dislikes,the chances are that something will be identified which interests you professionally. This at least helps to reassure students,and is a positive start.”

Alternatively,the careers service run a series of talks,ranging from how to write a CV to more specifics,like getting into media workshops. Check out your departmental notice boards or the careers service website for details of times and rooms. All are free and can be booked online.

There are plenty of magazines aimed at helping students decide what to do with their lives,coupled with practical advice on how to reach those goals. Look out for Finalist, Real World and Target,in the union. For people who have no idea about life post uni, Doctor Job,packed full of useful tips and inspirational real life stories,is a particularly useful publication.

Better still,the careers service have recently teamed up with the makers of Doctor Job,formulating a magazine specifically aimed at students in Cardiff. All of these magazines are free to students,and available in the careers service. Many have websites, for example, www.doctorjob.com and www.prospects.ac.uk with the latest jobs onine.

Whatever your desired area of work, experience is crucial. For students interested in media,finance and law, Gibson recommends building up your experience from the first year. Of course it is wise to get experience in any fields of interest,asthis will help to build up contacts. More importantly, it helps students get a feel for working life,and decide whether a job is really suitable for them.

Consider a GO WALES Work Placements Graduate scheme. Open to both students and graduates,they offer opportunities to gain quality work experience and skills. Placements last ten weeks,paid at a minimum of 180 pounds per week. Better still,some

assistance with travelling expenses is available. All degree subjects and sectors of industry are catered for.

Luke Jones,a graduate in music from the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama,landed a placement with independent record label,FF Vinyl.

“My job as press agent means I’m responsible for promoting acts on the label via whatever means are appropriate,” he says.

“This meant I apply what I learnt in my dissertation on the pros and cons of major and independent record labels. It couldn’t be more appropriate.”

Students and graduates can register online at www.gowales.co.uk or ask for Jane Petty in the careers service. Clearly sparing the future some thought now gives more time to procure the job you want. If you are still unsure about what to do next,remember even the most seemingly confident people faced indecisions once,so you are not alone. Don’t be swept along in the apathetic drift because you think you’re not good enough: all the help you need is here,justdon’t be afraid to ask for it.

Fun in the sun

Cardiff has a lot to offer in the summer months,as Anita

Bhagwandas discovers

You know the drill. Even the slightest sliver of sun and everyone dons their glasses and shorts in the hope that the it will remain a permanent fixture for the next few weeks. But the arrival of summer,and plans of holidays to exotic locations aren’t everyone’s proverbial cup of tea. A small majority are clinically insane and the other fraction spend all their money getting wasted (you know who you are!). The point I’m trying to make,is that summer means fun,whether its abroad or here in sunny Cardiff. In the arts,things have seen an immense improvement in Wales,and it’s been duly reflected in the sheer amount of events on this summer in Cardiff and surrounding areas.

Wales’ art scene had always been seen as somewhat introspective and traditional in approach until late. The last few months there’s been a fantastic increase in the number of modern art and photography exhibitions taking place,such as Shizuka Yokomizo’s exhibition entitled Distance . Taking pride of place in Chapter Arts Centre in

Canton until the May 23rd,this contemporary photography display has been transported from London,and has received significant critical acclaim. It encompasses bleak and stark images of reflection and juxtaposes them with a vision of self. Sound like a load of pretentious twaddle? Seeing,as they say,is most definitely believing -- so head down there and make your own mind up.

Another exhibition at the mind-blowing Washington Gallery in Penarth,is by leading abstract expressionist Neale Howells. Howells shot to fame with his cover of the Manic’s album Know Your Enemy which,unlike the said album,was a tremendous piece of artwork. He will be displaying his newest creations from 28th May until the 15th of June -- and I literally mean ‘creations’. With somewhat of an unconventional approach to painting, he has been known to use bodily fluids of a ‘reproductory nature’ on his own canvases. Whether you think his methods are unsanitary,or you hail him as the saviour of modern art,he’s certainly the most iconic figure that Welsh

painting has had for decades.

On a very different note the Martin Tinney Gallery (best known as ‘the one you pass on the way to The Central Bar’) is host to pointillist William Wilkins. Displaying his second exhibition until the end of May,Wilkins’ style is ‘interesting’ -- for want of a better word. A style that was very popular on the east coast of America in the early seventies and late eighties,pontillism requires making a picture out of a series of very small dots. It’s doubtful that a few dots are going to change the world,but its probably worth a view at any rate if only to see how many millions of dots he actually created.

It’s no surprise that when people mention Wales and photography,David Hurn is the name that springs to mind. His current exhibition running until June 27th is a photographic history of Butetown,and how it’s changed over the years. Far from the bustling modern shopping vicinity that it currently is, this area of Cardiff once left much to be desired,and was the area that Shirley Bassey grew up. It was also the red light district (not that there’s any link there whatsoever).

Film buffs may be interested to know that The Capsule Gallery on Charles Street will be host to some Anime and Manga throughout May. It’s a very old and intricate art form,and this exhibition is all the way from the good old US of A.

It’s hard to mention Summer events without at least considering the festivals,even if they are further afield. Reading and Leeds are seeing headline acts from The Darkness,White Stripes and Green Day,but sod all that. The bands you really want to see are all Welsh and proud of it! Catch Goldie Lookin’ Chain for some Newport based comedy and chant along with the masses shouting ‘You knows it clart!‘. Then,there’s Ponty’s finest and um, only: The Lost Prophets,for some emotinged nu-metal and local heroes Funeral for a Friend for some,er… melodic hardcore,otherwise known as emo. Still,whatever floats your boat there’s enough to keep you more than entertained. Be sure to head to Donnington to see metal gods Metallica and punk legends Pennywise

at Download festival,as well as Electric 6 and The Stooges. There’s also Linkin Park if you’re that way inclined. By ‘that way’,I mean if you compare your listening pleasure to the sound of having your mate forcibly remove your sphincter, whilst maintaining a nose-grip.

If you managed to get Glastonbury tickets and weren’t pulled out of the race with finger cramp from hitting that redial button again and again,then you are in for a treat if the rumours are to be believed. PJ Harvey,Franz Ferdinand, Scissor Sisters,Outkast and Amy Winehouse to name but a few are rumoured to be making appearances this year. There’s also Sir Paul McCartney to look forward to.

But if you do anything this summer at all,I urge you to go to the tremendous weekend of top quality jazz led by an enthusiastic band of local festival supporters from August 13-15th. Brecon Jazz Festival,has my vote as Wales’ best yearly event and is confirmed to go ahead this summer. Past festivals have seen performances by Jamie Cullum, American soul diva Stacey Kent and Max Boyce (you know you love him really!) And no sign of Paul McCartney anywhere.

Unfortunately one place he may turn up is at Hay festival in Brecon on the 28th of May. For 10 days every year there is a festival of food,music,comedy,art and literature in this quaint little town,with feminist writers like Canadian author Margaret Atwood and renowned playwrights like Arthur Miller even gracing the stage. This year comedian Dylan Moran and feminist icon Germaine Greer will be making appearances.

For a more musical atmosphere look no further than The Big Weekend,sponsored by Red Dragon which should speak volumes really. Its commercial pop saw last years stage being graced by Pink,The Darkness and loads of other pop novelties. If you’d rather stick skewers up your nostrils and flail about like a drug addled penguin,then might I suggest something a little more…palatable?

Compass Point Festival may just help. Set in the luxuriously muddy Coopers Field over three days at the beginning of July,the festival has boasted some truly amazing bands. Welsh favourites Funeral for a Friend headlined with white noise punksters The Crimea last year and also featured performances from Midasuno,Johnny Mental and Jarcrew. There are also hip hop/workshop days which have included performances by the Headcase Ladz and Tim Westwood. Despite the latter,it is worth having a gander if you’re staying this side of the Severn bridge these summer months. There’s some great young talent waiting

for their 5 minutes of glory and you never know,the next Lost Prophets may be waiting in the wings.

If Cardiff isn’t far enough away for you, then perhaps a road trip to North Wales should be on the cards. Miri Madog festival is another legendary event set in Porthmadog and also features a number of welsh language bands. This year the

“...there has been an immense improvement in the Welsh capital and this is duly reflected in the sheer amount of events this summer.”

likes of Pep le Pew,Anweledig,Texas Radio Band,Kentucky AFC and Bechdan Jam will all be performing during the 13th and 14th of August. And if rock/indie isn’t your thing,there’s plenty to satisfy the most classical of ears at this years Welsh Proms. With 15 concerts over 10 days,appearances from Dame Kiri Te Kanawa and orchestras performing works by Handel,Vivaldi, Berlioz and Guastavino,this year looks set to be the best ever. The proms start on the 15th of July and carry on until the 24th. If you make any night of the event, be sure it’s the last night of the proms, which includes a fantastic fireworks dis-

Features 11

play that is truly awe-inspiring.

Another event happening in Cardiff in July is the Worldport Festival. If you’re into jazz they will showcase a plethora of acts,which includes Welsh songstress Amy Wadge,who won this years Welsh Music Award,yet again,with her stirring and flawless sonic caress. There’s also an appearance from the superb Mabon, a Celtic based band,encompassing a plethora of weird and wonderful instruments and the Huw Warren Quartet to mention but a few. The festival is at St David’s hall and is from the 1st to the 4th July.

Sponsored by Classic FM,the Welsh National Opera perform La Traviata, Katya Kabanova and Bizets classic Carmen at the New Theatre from the 15th May until the 5th June. If the idea of opera conjures up thoughts of aristocracy -- old men sat in wigs swigging champagne and smoking pipes,you’d be very far off the mark. But if a night of culture is in order,then perhaps you should look no further than Swan Lake. Performed in the New Theatre again, Swan Lake is a beautiful and classic ballet set to exquisite music and is generally a remarkable visual awakening.

Plenty to do this summer! Failing that, you could always erect a tent in your student squat and play the radio really loudly,use only a bucket for a toilet and drink warm,flat beer to recreate that classic festival atmosphere. Same thing,only a fraction of the price. Just an idea!

cardiff@victoriahall.com

Caretakers on site

24 hours a day

Door entry system and CCTV security

Television & Sky package included in each flat

Fully furnished & equipped self contained flats

On site management office

Direct dial telephone in each flat

All bedrooms have en-suite shower and toilet room

Location within 5 minutes walk of Universities Laundrette on site

Blackweir Terrace

Olympic diet Prepare for the Games in the traditional Greek way. Charlotte Howells shows you how

With the upcoming Olympics returning to their original Grecian home,there could be no better time to celebrate the lighting of the Olympic flame with some traditional Hellenic cuisine. It’s more likely, though,that you’ll want to try some simply to add a few new flavours to your student budget-deprived tastebuds.

Apparently Archestratos,a Greek, wrote the first ever cookbook. This is unsurprising as Grecian life revolves largely around the consumption of food and drink. Any typical Greek street is filled with numerous bakeries and tavernas from which they lengthily indulge in copious amounts of Mediterranean cuisine,while simultaneously conversing with their hyper-extended family very loudly.

Eating out is relatively cheap in Greece,and it is possible to have a delicious meal including drinks at a pretty taverna for roughly 10 euros. You can expect a long evening as the pace is slow and no one is in any hurry to serve you. Greek-style bread is served before you order; this is usually freshly baked and warm - useful for preventing starvation in the delay before your main meal arrives.

Popular Grecian meals include fresh seafood such as octopus,dolmades vine leaves stuffed with rice and,of course,moussaka. When attempting Greek food for the first time it’s best to take it slowly; maybe try a salad first rather than a full-on Greek plate,as my companion did on our first day in the

Cookery Corner

Greek salad (choriatiki salata)

By Charlotte Howells

Tomato,cut into wedges

Cucumber,sliced

Onion,in rings

Green pepper,in rings

Feta cheese,cubed

Olives

Olive oil

Oregano

Salt and pepper

country. Although he assured me it was very tasty,his insides disagreed,and the virtually non-existent plumbing in Greece (toilet paper goes in the bin) made this a particularly unpleasant experience.

Greek bakery shops are plentiful and filled with numerous cakes,biscuits and doughnuts. My personal favourites were the moreish round cookies filled with gooey hazelnut and chocolate filling. I could only find them in certain parts of Greece and,luckily for my waistline,have never come across them in this country.

Perhaps the most exciting cakes,if only for their bizarre name,are the extra large Greek doughnuts,strangely renamed as ‘sexy doughnuts’. They are sold on the beach on the Greek island of Corfu by the ‘sexy doughnut man’; an oiled up,dangerously tanned and not all sexy,ageing foreigner. I’m not sure exactly who would be tempted to pay for a dry,sun-baked doughnut in 30degree heat. However I have since glimpsed the now infamous sexy doughnut man on national television. Personally I preferred the more refreshing colourful and ripe fruit that was sold off a small boat that chugged along the shore.

Eating is such a large affair to the Greeks that after lunch they need a two-hour rest to sleep it all off (it could just be that it’s too hot,but after all those cakes I’m not so sure). The eating times of the Greeks start late, about nine,and stretch far into the

Prepare the tomato,cucumber,onion and green pepper and arrange in a salad bowl then top with chunky feta cubes and olives. Drizzle with generous amounts of olive oil; finish with oregano and a sprinkle of salt and pepper.

evening. As the night draws on there’s rather more consumption of ouzo than of stuffed leaves and bread,and the volume of conversation turns from shouting to frantic,extremely loud shouting.

The Greek national drink of ouzo is made from grapes and aniseed,and it smells and tastes like liquorice. This is not the nicest taste my palette has been subjected to. It is 40% proof so to prevent complete drunkenness it is supposed to be sipped at leisure while grazing on mezedes or appetisers. Alternatively,it can be mixed with water, which turns it from a clear spirit to a cloudy white drink.

Another popular drink is Amstel beer. Although it actually originated in Amsterdam it is the most popular and cheapest drink in Greece. Again this is probably an acquired taste; palatable in the foreign sunshine and completely undrinkable back home. Yammas!

Go east

If the Olympic preparations are getting on your nerves, LauraTovey has the perfect solution for you

Everyone loves Chinese food – chow mein,sweet and sour chicken,egg fried rice. But after the gloopy sauces and greasy food we get from takeaways,real Chinese food is a fantastic experience. China is enormous and has a diversity of cuisines to match. From the rich flavourings of Beijing dishes to hot and spicy Szechuan food,Chinese food has a lot to offer. The type most commonly found in takeaways,and that we are all most familiar with,is Cantonese food. Food is an integral part of Chinese culture,with big family meals to celebrate almost every occasion. Meals can also be a lot of fun –the custom of sharing dishes in the middle of the table seems so much friendlier than just having your own little plate,and it means you get to try some of everything. You may not always want to,as some ‘delicacies’ can be a bit overwhelming for western eaters. While staying with a Chinese family in Hong Kong I tried pigeon, ostrich (delicious), sharks’ fin soup anddefinitely not to be recommended - jellyfish.

Cookery Corner Stir-fry Chicken with Cashews

By Laura Tovey

Serves 4

A little vegetable oil

These were the dishes I was brave enough to try; I had to give swans’ feet and fish eyes a miss. But I also had some fantastic dinners that made meat and two veg look pretty dull.

One of the best bits about Chinese food is the names of the individual dishes. Some of these,such as Raindrop Soup and Jade Flower Chicken,are beautiful. Some are just plain weird – would you eat Dragon’s Whiskers or Ants Climbing Trees? (I have, and they are both delicious.)

Chinese food offers so many flavours and eating experiences. If you need any further excuse to try it,with its emphasis on fresh,lightly cooked food and high proportion of vegetables and tofu,it can also often be a lot healthier than a western diet.

4 skinned and boned chicken breasts cut into thin strips across the grain

1 bunch spring onions,thinly sliced

2 cloves garlic,crushed 125g (4 oz) cashews

Sauce:

2 teaspoons corn flour

6 tablespoons cold water

3 tablespoons soy sauce

2 tablespoons rice wine (available in Tesco)

2 teaspoons dark soft brown sugar

To prepare the sauce,mix the corn flour to a paste with a little of the cold water,then stir in the remaining water and all the other ingredients. Set aside. Heat the oil in a wok until hot. Add the chicken strips and stir-fry for 3-4 minutes or until lightly browned on all sides. Add the spring onions and garlic and stir-fry for another minute. Stir the sauce (the corn flour will have settled a bit),then pour into the wok. Bring to the boil,stirring constantly. Add the cashews and stir to combine them with the chicken. Serve with boiled or steamed rice.

The extreme, mean urban scene

As MTV embrace the mischeivous Dirty Sanchez boyos, Perri Lewis takes a look at how urban culture is influencing South Wales this season.

They come from the valleys and set their crazy shenanigans against a backdrop of South Wales streets,yet despite these setbacks,the kids from Dirty Sanchez still manage to give Johnny Knoxville and his pals a run for their money. They might not be completely gorgeous or have a huge budget to play around with,but this Welsh trailer trash is really superb.

The idea for Jackass began in 1996 and despite controversy about safety restrictions,the hugely popular program has spawned a whole host of similar shows which broadcast to a global audience. MTV’s decision to fund Dirty Sanchez demonstrates the rising popularity of careless attitudes that could be reminiscent of the grunge culture of the early nineties. With their crazy stunts,Pritchard,Dainton,Pancho and Joycey quite clearly embody the don’t-give-a-fuck approach to life.

Such relaxed attitudes have been prevelant in alternative subcultures for years,yet it’s only recently that mainstream tastes have been affected by them. In fact,the subversive world of the grunger has become favoured by so many that it is difficult to label it ‘alternative’ anymore.

Whether a laid back,couldn’t care less view of life can still be attributed to the minority or not,it cannot be denied that it has caused some significant changes to the lifestyle of the younger generation. Ideology has always influenced fashion; the strong economic force of the Thatcher years was reflected in the trends of the time. Shoulder pads and sharp suits quite clearly represented the values that Thatcher stood for. Now is no different. There has been a notable change in the clothing choices in recent seasons; loose-fit items are now favoured by many. Jeans are baggy and even highstreet stores have been promoting a look more typically associated with urban sports. Skatewear has become particulary popular and you are just as likely to see someone sporting a pair of Vans as you are Reebok Classics.

Sporting choices have also been affected by the rise of more careless attitudes. Extreme sports such as skating,skiing and surfing are becoming more widely participated in and given a considerably larger amount of coverage by the media. These activities tend to be characterised by their dangerous nature and those who choose to do them generally have a quite reckless attitude.

BMX Bandits

The battle of the summer is set.The fight commences in the amphitheatre of Cardiff’s Oval Basin,and Fashion Desk is here to show you how to stand out from the crowd

By Caroline Ellis,Fashion Editor

BMX is back,and it’s set to rock Cardiff’s Oval Basin on Sunday June 13 in the form of Red Bull’s 3 Degrees. The free event,will see the riders battle for first place and judged on technical ability,magnitude of tricks and overal use of the course. The competition will showcase 32 of the world’s best riders. Set on a gradient of three degrees,the riders will have just three minutes to impress the judges. Riders from Wales,UK,Australia,Canada,Germany,Spain and the USA will be taking part,and amongst the line up is the defending champion Kye Forte. Events like this are not only raising Cardiff’s profile as a city at the forefront of urban sports in the UK, but also shows the global BMX community that Wales is a force to be reckoned with. Among its urban skate scene, Dirty Sanchez continues to raise South Wales’ profile in extreme sports; the local hellraisers are renowned in the UK for their crazy antics. The event will be between 2-5pm and the Red Bull student marketeers will be on hand to energise all the athletes and keep those tired minds on point.

Key Urban Looks

If you are in a dilemma about what to wear when attending shindigs like Three Degrees,the Quench fashion desk is on hand as usual. To look the part when attending such urban sport events,the key item this summer is baggy shorts. These can be both worn by both skater boys and girls alike. The bottom of those jeans that have been ruined by the rain on your way to lectures shouldn’t just be chucked out -- cut them off just below the knee for the ultimate urban shorts chic and wear them low on the hips. Team this up with a Bench or Carhartt skate belt.

A must-have look for the girls this season is an overlapping vest top,and the best place to get your NUS student discount is the old faithful Topshop. Boys,the same principle applies: overlappling T’s always complete the urban look. Make sure to step out in style either with the classic flip-flops or team your shorts up with a pair of Vans trainers.

As a huge thank you to everyone who has read our pages this year, Fashion Desk has teamed up with the fantastic skatewear label Vans to give our readers some top quality urban wear.

To win some trainers email the answer to this simple question to grfashion@cf.ac.uk. Who is the reigning Three Degrees champion? (style pictured may differ from the actual prize)

If you can’t wait to get your hands on some top quality Vans stuff, why not check out the stockists of Vans in Cardiff,in Buzz and Co., Route One,City Surf and Schuh.

Who got hospitalised?

Everyone’s woken up and felt like shit some mornings - but some days though can be a lot worse than others. Tim Clark relives the highs and lows of a simple trip to get painkillers that went too far

Ever woken up and known that you’d have a bad day? Has this ever been the result of a night of serious pain that you have no idea about but makes you sleep about as well as an epileptic badger? Well,this was what I awoke to one sunny morning in Brisbane. Starting in the arm, spreading down the side and leaving a queasy sensation everywhere else,it was debilitating yet inexplicable. I scraped myself off the floor and tried to get sorted enough to get to workwhen you’re living on £15 a week you’d rather go down on Margaret Beckett than skip a meal,rent,or wages to pay for that all important scuba dive up the coast. Your will to work however doesn’t cut any ice with your boss,who believes that your state is the result of a large one the previous night. Three hours of fastfood,fat women and a greasy pan later,vital mental imagery has shut down and a spasticated monkey walk has developed as I get through the door and try and explain to my flatmates why I can’t move my head.

Mates,as always,will have no forgiveness and sit there with baited breath as I try and watch The Simpsons. Any whisper of a laugh and I sieze up,therefore nothing is wasted in trying to make you feel like the centre stage of a cheap circus. Homer and Bart are all but forgotten as a man is tormented to the most funny stories he has heard in years,all to encourage yet more laughing and intolerable pain on his part. Eventually they gave up and it was decided that alcoholic therapy would do me good and beer would provide the answers to my problems. We donned the best Hawaiian shirts and shorts to gain

entry for the valuable free drinks for the theme night in the Underground Bar and I gave it a good try. But it wasn’t to be; I went back home,left a note “going to hospital” and headed off to the nearest one.

Painkillers were what I needed. Yeah,painkillers,that sounds good. Australia charge for these,don’t they? OK right,what do I need to do to get this stuff for free? I know,exaggerate, yeah,so even though I was in enough pain as it is I thought,well, it does hurt here as well after all,and ooh what about that bad knee of mine. Gout! Been suffering for years,I think you get the picture. Pretty soon I was lying down and being seen to by a junior doctor.

Daniel was fresh faced and looked as if he hadn’t touched a pint in his life. He decided that I should take no chances and that a few x-rays were in order. They went fine and

within the hour I was presented with the results. The over-eager doc sat me down to explain that he thinks I’ve got a collapsed lung. Nice.

By now it was about 1am,and my brother had arrived to find me on a trolley dressed in a hospital gown accepting mints off a nurse. From their point of view it must have seemed kinda strange. Two blokes dressed in Hawaiian shorts and shirts,one pissed,the other finding out who he’d tried (and failed)to pull, both talking about what the other was wearing.

The nurse said I had to have a blood test,I was OK with that. It was when she said that she needed to inject my stomach that my psychotic subconscious decided to kick in. When the god of fuckwit has decided to play with your destiny you never expect it to involve good-looking

women with needles. After producing the smallest,most poncy needle in the world,I felt stupid but helpless. By now ideas of pulp fiction had penetrated right through me and there was no turning back once that kind of mental imagery gets into your head. I watched it go into my belly,managed to say “yep,Chris I’m gonna go”,and passed out there and then. After a great dream that I can’t remember,I woke to five or six people,pads all over me,drip in my arm,and heart shockers coming down on my face like a nightmare about a grandmother. My brother had been sent out of the room and phoned my parents, while they were heading down the motorway midway through moving house,to tell them that I’d gone into major surgery.

I had scared the shit out of themthe doctors,that is. They thought that I’d had a fatal allergic reaction to the injection and that the blue/purple expression was some sort of shock. I thought the whole thing was incredibly funny,but like fuck was I gonna make work in the morning. I had never been overnight in a hospital before and now fully understood the nurse thing,though for a simple trip for painkillers things were now getting out of hand. In the morning I was taken to a different floor,trolleyed into the nuclear section,and garbled at,as some guy who didn’t get out too much explained how he would like me to inhale a load of incredibly radioactive gas.

“Hi Mr Clark,I’m just going to get you to breathe in this stuff so that you’re gonna glow like a communist fridge. Is it safe,yeah of course,it penetrates your whole body and lasts 24 hours,isn’t that great? Any questions?” Are you kidding,self-discharge is at the forefront of my mind, you crazy arsed loon. Give me Valium, now you’re talking.

I went through with it,escaped the radioactive section and was back to floor two,enjoying round two of ‘pass the mints’ with the nurses and enjoyed the look on the senior doctors face as he recalled what his deputy had let me into. Finally,13 hours after I was first admitted,I was allowed to leave,given the painkillers I required,and met a mate who hadn’t seen me in this state to happily inform me about the Toblerone fight we’d had two days previously. Some sort of recognition came over me as I dared not guess how some chocolate fuelled duel may have been responsible for all this. But it wasn’t going to allow me to miss or feel guilty about relaying the story to those accusatory bosses who now believed that they had given me a heart attack,then to sit back and enjoy at least one sick day on the lawn with some milked up Swiss pleasure to keep me company.

Travel 17

And finally...

This year we have brought you everything from the dangers of travel,to some of the most bizarre and quirky stories to come out of the mouths of students this side of the Newport docks. Of course though we can never fit everything in,so here are some final destinations that you might want to take a look at should you ever be in the vicinity.

AUSTRALIA

The Barossa Valley Grab a bike and cycle your way around 50 different vineyards and sample some of the best Australian wines. Do this soon because the salt content of the valley is rising rapidly; within a few years, my friend,you’ll be drinking vinegar,not pissing it.

Byron Bay Always a great destination. Compare it to Surfer’s Paradise and you’ll know what I mean. simply in a class of its own.

SPAIN

Tarifa At the tip of Europe,this small town plays host to one of the most beautiful beaches I’ve ever seen. With Africa virtually within touching distance it is a welcome break from other destinations,especially the redman crab infested Costa del Sol.

ITALY

The Egadi Islands Right at the end of Sicily,the Egadi Islands are a real trek - you’ll be nearer to Algiers than Rome,and you’ll have to contest with repugnant conducters,Palermo,and the mafia to survive,but to get as far away from it all as possible they are simply stunning. Get there before Lonely Planet make it mainstream.

Milan This is an extremely strange city: either you will be infested with crazed,over-segregated Catholics in the hostels or get the opportunity to gaze at some stunning architecture. It has to be noted,though,that Italy and stunning architecture go together like peas and carrots,as a wise man once said.

MALAYSIA

Kota Baharu Well,not quite. The islands just off the coast though are another “wow how amazing” hotspot. Judged one of the top 10 beaches in the world,it’s got sand so fine you could make soup out of it.

AUSTRIA

Interlaken Much better than almost any other destination in the Alpine regions,or so it has been said. Go get some dodgy male urges,yodel, and wear crap clothes; come back and you’ll fit right into a union election.

UK

Avebury The overlooked larger cousin of Stonehenge,Avebury is a monument with a medieval village built inside,hence they cannot rope it off and charge you a fortune for your own heritage. Definitely worth a lazy afternoon and a pint.

The Gower Another cool set of beaches,and you wont need air miles to get there. Simply pop down the M4,take a day or more surfing or simply run around in the sand,and make sure you avoid participating in real life Twin Town on the way back.

Aargh,too many places. Go! Get lost!

grgay@cf.ac.uk

Be part of Quench magazine in 2004/5

Do you have views about Mardi Gras, clubbing, the LGB society, politics or life as a LGB Cardiff student? Send your articles or comments to grgay@cf.ac.uk or drop them into the gair rhydd office on the fourth floor of the students’ union. Articles should be between 300600 words. If you have any queries, contact the Section Editor.

Quench 01

Out and about

Coming out at university

Quench 02

Satan wears pink spandex

The Anglican church’s confusion over gay clergy and congregation

Quench 03

God save the queen?

The impact of camp men on the acceptance of homosexuals [Gay to Z begins]

Quench 04

Legacy of a princess Diana’s impact on the gay community

Quench 05

Ad fad

The negative protrayal of homosexuals in advertising

Quench 06

World Aids Day

Quench 07

Bog off

The shocking practices taking place in the union toilets

Quench 08

Rough science

The flaws in Darwin’s theories

Quench 09

[Gay to Z continues]

Quench 10

A likely Tory

The Tory u-turn on gay rights policy

Quench 11

Playing politics: Randerson, Goodway,Berman

Cardiff county councillors get a grilling

Quench 12 25 years on The evils of Thatcherism [Gay to Z ends] grgay@cf.ac.uk

Youthful healing

Sonic Nurse Geffen

How many bands can claim to have formed over twenty years ago,be releasing their nineteenth studio album,have influenced a legion of bands spanning three decades and still be relevant? Answer: One. Sonic Youth.

Known for their use of a plethora of guitars with bizarre tunings and utilising feedback to create a melodic, droning washing machine effect,the ‘Youth rose from the ashes the New York art-rock scene of the late 1970s. Over their three decade spanning career Sonic Youth have influenced countless bands across the world from Nirvana,to British Sea Power. By now it would be expected that they would be happy to live off the royalties of several hit albums and release the necessary Greatest Hits. Instead Sonic Youth continue to push themselves and take their experimental

sound one step further by releasing what is one of their best albums.

Sonic Nurse continues from where 2002’s Murray Street left off,with the ‘Youth adopting a softer,more harmonious sound. Gone are the decimating walls of feeback that often bordered on white noise,in thier place are waves of smooth chiming chords that shows that Sonic Youth are not just a bunch of arty noise-mongers. It’s apparent that Sonic Youth have tried to portray their status as the elder statesmen of modern rock music. They’ve realised that there is a new school of chaotic noise manipulators to carry the torch of art-grunge leaving Thurston,et al. to really experiment without having to maintain a ‘sound’.

In essence this is the Sonic Youth pop album. Their voices are far more prominant,actually being the main focus of the songs rather than interludes in six minute space jams.

Driping Dream borders on having a

vocal harmony - inconceivable a few years ago - and Kim Gordon has even toned down her deep throated growl to join the pop party.

With so many bands trying to look back and capture the retro sound,it’s refreshing to hear a band who can still find musical avenues to explore.

Sonic Nurse is no Radiohead style experimentation in beats and rhythms, the traditional Sonic Youth sound is still there,it’s just been refined and smoothed out- much liking ironing an a sheet that’s been in the washing machine too long.

Anthony Lloyd

SONIC YOUTH

Sonic Youth: Nurse! the screens!

THE BEES

Free The Bees

Virgin

If you’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting the Isle of Wight you’ll be well aware that the island seems resolutely stuck 30 years behind the mainland. No Sunday opening,antique buses and the absence of any decent nightlife mean that the hordes of grey haired pensioners who reside there can live happily in the land that time forgot. Thankfully The Bees take advantage of this phenomenon by condensing everything that was good about 60s and 70s pop music and creating a second album of blissfully great tunes. Coinciding almost spookily with the start of the summer Free The Bees mixes Merseybeat,reggae, psychedelia,surf pop,soul, funk and blues to produce a retro flavoured album which sounds bang up to date. Liberating. Andy Parsons

Trinity

Watt Recordings

Am I the only one fed up of all these bands who are ‘here to save rock n’ roll’? I feel sorry for David R Black. The fact that the press release firstly claimed the above and,even worse, claimed that Kerrang! said Trinity was good made me want to hate it before I even started listening. The sad fact,as underlined by opener Serenade or Lavidia,is that the Yanks just do rock so much better. Mundane,predictable and draining; this just makes the prospect of

three essays seem enjoyable. Sam Coare

Albums 21 CHIKINKI

Lick Your Ticket Island

The Bristol five-piece’s major label debut starts as it means to go on. Singer Rupert Browne wails "I’m gonna make my way to the wrong side of town" over dirty guitars that sound like they come from the wrong side of town,melding with the bands two-pronged synth attack. Synths and guitars compete as lead instruments but to lazily dub them electro would be erroneous. References to punk and dance are obvious,but there’s more to discover here than that. Former single Hate TV starts off with an effects loop that sounds distinctively Super Furries-like, while Like It Or Leave It and Scissors Paper Stone provide the anthemic ‘going out’ tracks the band claim to be aiming for with this LP . It takes a few listens but the album is an eclectic, consistent,yet fun set. Lick your ticket and take a ride indeed. Will Dean

The Underqualified Island

Two fellas,this,showcasing their love of 70s and 80s rock,and,in parts,Britpop (via a poor-man’s Supergrass approach). To begin with,it appears that there are enough catchy hooks to make this enjoyable but things begin to wear thin quickly. It does not take long to realise that there is little of substance here,though there are fun moments. Flying With Spaceships,however,is the worst song I’ve heard in a while. In all: rock’n’roll for children. Jason Draper

THE CHARLATANS

Up At The Lake

Universal

Recent single Up At The Lake opens the album and actually gives us a promising start. It shows Tim Burgess abandoning the falsetto style adopted on 2001’s Wonderland and quite rightly so. However don’t get too excited as the album slowly descends

The Heat

One Little Indian Malin’s 2002 debut The Fine Art Of Self

Destruction saw the Brooklynite’s page in the book of singer-songwriters trying to ape the legacy of Bruce Springsteen screaming the word "promising" on every line. Unfortunately, this overwhelmingly rushed follow up focuses extensively on the less promising moments of the debut (Malin’s nasal "cup of cwarfee" intonation, straying close to the Oasis flame), and while there are some excellent good-morningAmericana classics to be patiently unearthed, the testosterone bluster of The Heat ends up resembling

into mediocrity. Up At The Lake is by no means a bad album,but it is however a distinctively average one. At a time when British guitar music is finally escaping the shadow of Britpop is there really any room for The Charlatans? If there is they’re gonna have to try harder than this. Jon Davies

MULL HISTORICAL SOCIETY

This

is Hope B-Unique

Less of a society,just Colin MacIntyre on his own. Album three sees a change in style as he gets rid of the overblown pomp of yore. Throughout a lot of this he seems to be aiming at reinventing himself as a lone artist in his room with a 4-track. Songs like How ’Bout I Love You More border on pop-rock,taking in Beatles influence,and some Beach Boys-styled harmonies. Catchy enough in places,but nothing really overwhelming here.

Jason Draper

Bruce Willis more than it does The Boss. John Widdop

JESSE MALIN

KID SYMPHONY

DAVID R.BLACK

Albums 22

SUMMER ROUND

UP: “Here comes the summer,” The Undertones once claimed and being the nice people that we are here at Music Desk we’re going to give you a guide to all the great music that will help you get your late-teenage kicks over the coming months.

Finally arriving on June 28,after being pencilled in for last September,is the debut from Sunderland’s The Futureheads. Bringing back late 70s new wave, their eponymous debut is a lightening quick display of proper pop-punk perfection with a north-eastern accent.

Bringing yet more retro stylings is the second album from The Datsuns, Outta Sight/Outta Mind (June 7). Produced by John Paul Jones of Led Zep fame,this is the most interesting thing that can said about this new effort. Let’s face it,The Datsuns are shite - let them fade into an Antipodean sunset.

The most exciting prospect of the coming months is the arrival on June 14 of The Beastie Boys’ first album in seven years, To The 5 Boroughs. Quench is yet to hear the finished article,given the fear of it being released onto the net,but we’re sure it will be a masterpiece.

As they’re playing in the office at the moment,we may as well give a mention to Goldie Lookin’ Chain’s album,due in late June. Check them out at the Summer Ball for a taster.

Well,that’s it from the current incarnation of Music Desk (the best in Quench history) but in true Dr. Who stylee we’ll be back next year,albeit looking very different.

Anthony Lloyd,Outgoing Music Ed

AC NEWMAN

The Slow Wonder Matador

The Ordinary Boys: get rid of the one with long hair and they become The Jam

The solo debut from the leader of The New Pornographers,this could have been seriously terrible. Thankfully it's not. Pitched somewhere between Super Furry Animals and a furry skitz version of Rufus Wainwright,this is smarter than your average bear. Each track is tightly packed and brimming with indulgent summer joy. In a world of shadows,Toni & Guy haircuts,and irritating cheesy pop this is a breath of helium-filled fresh air. Craig Driver

This Is For Real Mute

If you cut off The Hives’ Swedish balls and lobotomised Electric Six then you would be standing in the presence of Pink Grease. Rory Lewarne sings like a hamster humping a diseased parrot. They should grease themselves up with something long,hard and pink. It’s the only pleasure I can imagine in any form,

whether it be dirty,decadent or not,related to this record. All surface and no feeling. Just shit. Craig Driver

ROYALCITY

Little Heart’s Ease Rough Trade

Ah Rough Trade,what a lovely label: whimsical, heartfelt,and organic. This latest release is a cotton bud of a farmer’s daffodil. The songs themselves are not actually bad. If you like Nick Cave or The Delgados on a bad day then this is a nice digestive biscuit of an album. If not,go and buy any QOTSA album and use your ears properly as nature intended. Craig Driver

Michigan Rough Trade

Michigan is the first installment of what promises to be the most interesting and challenging project any musician has done for a while. Beginning with his home state of Michigan, Stevens starts his mission to create an album that represents each state of America. Just think about that for a second; that’s 50 albums. Musically he’s a

league above any of the Buckley-esque singer-songwriters around at the moment and this album of glorious pop music is a testament to that. Let’s just hope he doesn’t go near any rivers at night. Jon Davies

THE ORDINARY BOYS

Over The Counter Culture

B-Unique

On their debut album The Ordinary Boys succeed in delivering 12 tracks which are all better that the Morrissey song from which they take their name. These barbed,heartbreaking tales of the escape from tedious nine-to-five employment make you want to jump into your car and drive to the seaside before you get stuck in the clutches of ‘the man’. Although the disturbing sub-Specials misogyny of Little Bitch somewhat mars the overall effect, Over The Counter Culture is a blistering album that reminds you of all the reasons that you loved British guitar music in the first place. Maria Thomas

SUFJANSTEVENS

Vegetarian Restaurant Rough Trade

Don't be put off by the odd title,this is a great,melodic ditty that will have you singing along in no time. Armed with such an original sound,this Scottish band named after a small unheard-of town should hit it BIG in the music world. Debbie Green

The Single City Slang

Conveniently titled for the amnesiacs among us,New York hip-hop collectives DFA-produced second is less convenient in the marketing department,because although bleepy,boisterous and funk-propelled,as is the rest of the NY rap troop’s material,this is just that bit too uninspiring when compared to the other block-party-rocking beats of their self-titled debut. Alas. John Widdop

Eve,The Apple Of My Eye

Universal Island Bell x1 come from the same mould as the band they are supporting on tour, Keane. Providing some harmless melancholy melodies to slow-dance to, they’ll whet a few people’s appetites. But take warning: look what happened to Haven. Nathalie Southall

Secondhand Glory Demo

Sometimes "up-and-coming" indie bands confound their "originality" with their song titles. So thank-you Delta Chi for Secondhand Glory! Apparently influenced by the Verve,Six By Seven and Doves,Delta Chi don’t sound even half as good as any of these. Rob Telford

What If BMG

Tucking themselves neatly in the bland draw between Nickelback and Matchbox 20,Hiding Place pull together a few rehashed riffs while someone mumbles ‘what if’ over and over and over and… Greg Cochrane

Stories/Sunshine Island

Ah emo: so many heartaches,so many songs. If you like your music delivered by rejected, bitter young American men with electric guitars then you'll love The Holiday Plan, if however that’s not your bag then there’s nothing here that’s gonna make you change your mind. Jon Davies

America Gooom

The critically acclaimed French duo release another four-track EP off the back of the rather good Dead Cities, Red Seas And Lost Ghosts

LP,editing the lead track into two-and-ahalf minutes of glorious techno feedback. Ambience is the order of the day with the three non-LP bonus tracks as the Múm-esque 19 minute drift of Dead Cities,Red Seas And Lost Ghosts gradually lulls you to a peaceful sleep.

Andy Parsons

Singles

Uptown Top Ranking

Too Pure

Althea & Donna's Uptown Top Ranking,surely one of Britain’s least expected chart-toppers,has retained enough longevity and variety for pop luminaries such as Luke Haines and Abs from 5ive to utilise its street ska tones. Scout Niblett’s so-lo-fi-it-hurts take,albeit at a pace of about two beats per minute,is a fantastic lesson in minimalism that wouldn't sound out of place on kindred spirit Cat Power's excellent covers album,which is no small compliment. John Widdop

THENEEDLES

1,2,3...5!

Dangerous Records

Snarling and spitting like a bubblegum Panda this is classy stuff. Belle And Sebastian with brass balls or Ben Folds with more indie bleatings: either way this is enjoyable,danceable,and more importantly colourful,fun,and jazzy.

Craig Driver

THENEXTNINE YEARS

You Live I Learn / This Is Your Last Song Probation Records

Sadly this double A-side fails to build on impressive support slots with Biffy Clyro,confirming worries that The Next Nine Years are in fact another Welsh emo band trying to suck the life out of FFAF’s freefalling popularity.

Sam Coare

SUPERGRASS

22-20s + CATHY DAVY

Great Hall,Cardiff

Sunday May 16

Termed ‘Supergrass do the Hits’ this was always going to be either fantastic or amazing. Thank the gods of affable rock-pop that Supergrass decide to be both. Local blonde vixen Cathy Davey set the evening off nicely. Sounding like Cerys Matthews at her croaky best and looking like a stunning mix of PJ Harvey,Nina Persson and early Debbie Harry,she sounds and looks stunning. Swiftly followed by White Stripes cover band 22-20s who disappointingly play their set full of leather and image but without any genuine verve.

Finally Supergrass arrive blistering the stage with power,emotion,and pure unadulterated fun pop-candy-goril-

la-rock. Gaz does his usual grinning indie-ape stint to perfection. Ever since they smacked the music industry in the balls with the two-ton lamb-popchop classic Alright they’ve been a cut above the rest. Tonight they continue in the grand tradition of musical excellence. Richard III kicks like an epilectic mule,proving that at full kilt Supergrass write straight-line rock like no other. Mary soon follows,evoking not just convulsive bouncing,but a thousand cider-drenched summers.

A third of the way in Gaz and friends decide to go all Turin Brakes on us, bringing out a leather couch and a couple of acoustic guitars. Again,they don’t disappoint. Strumming Caught By The Fuzz whilst sitting down shouldn’t work but it does. Trimmed down to the bone the song swaggers and struts as you realise just how good Gaz’s voice is. Pitched somewhere between Robert Plant,Paul McCartney,and Lou Reed,age seems to suit the hairy

and roll off hit after sumptuous hit: Grace, Pumpin’On Your Stereo, Alright (which remains superbly nonchalant), awesome new Superstition-esque single Kiss of Life

As the set finishes with Sun Hits The Sky and Man Size Rooster the end of uni for this third year feels that little bit sweeter and that little bit sadder. Supergrass could make a leper handjive. The best gig this side of my imagination. In the words of many a wise philosopher,mega-top-tastic. Craig Driver

KISS THIS TEN MEN WIDE STARSKI

Barfly,Cardiff

Monday May 17

Starski begin tonight’s Showcase displaying a diverse range of influences which take in Nickelback,The Offspring,the Chilis and (gulp) Bon Jovi. Whilst energetic and offensive in their stage presence,their straight forward rock is only truly lit up by the Chilis licks at their disposal.

Second band Ten Men Wide are a classic rock band,but not as clichéd as that might sound. Their lead-bassdrums combination provides a bit of welcome light relief but in these postDarkness times they don’t descend into parody of the genre at any stage, preferring clever solo parts and intricate guitar lines at which one can marvel. The bassist’s voice reaches over this backdrop,and there were even hints at a country sound breaking through in an enjoyable and surprisingly eclectic set.

Supergrass: Have played Alright so many times they can do it with thier eyes closed

Photos:Gemma Griffiths

Closing act Kiss This,on the other hand,are a parody unto themselves. Despite the preposterous name (I was disappointed they weren’t a Kiss tribute band),they proceed to say and

play every cliché in the metal book, denouncing "people who kill for their God" as being "a crock of shit" (well, duh…),while having no discernable melodies. The lacklustre response from the audience was entirely fitting.

Rob Telford

LESSTHANJAKE CAPDOWN THEAKAS

Great Hall,Cardiff

Sunday May 23

Sunday evening and the local crèche packs itself into the Union for what you’ve guessed is another ska night for the pre-pubescent. The Akas immediately fuck up by thinking they’re in England before trying to sound and act like The Hives. The night was luckily saved by Capdown, who produced a good set,followed by the fun packed Carol Smillie of the punk world,Less Than Jake,who run through their tracks with the kind of energy that shows they still tour the world for the right reasons. Their energy is conveyed to the crowd,who within 10 minutes are reduced to a raging swarm of sweat infested beasts. Well not quite,but near enough. To their credit LTJ produced a varied set and didn’t just stick to hits and old material,and though ska may have had its day,no one here tonight noticed.

Tim Clark

sions of songs but on Ain’t No Room and Get Free we get little more than an out of tune squawk disguised as the lead vocals. It’s Matthews who provides the bands spine with spot on backing vocals playing the Wise to Nicholls’ Morecambe. The band leave the stage after 40 minutes before returning with an encore that includes Sun Child and perennial set-closer Fuck The World. Highly Evolved was one of the best debuts of 2002. However The Vines, and their singer in particular,now seem to be going through the motions somewhat,especially in the half-hearted wrecking of his guitar. Someone get him a Big Mac. Will Dean

THEVINES

Colston Hall,Bristol

Saturday May 15

Craig Nicholls and co take to the stage at Bristol’s pristine Colston Hall to a rapturous reception before diving straight into a jumpy Outtathaway. The last time The Vines toured the UK they were one of the hottest bands on the planet,having just appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone,with Nicholls being touted as a fast-food Kurt Cobain. Unfortunately,a series of fights between Nicholls and bassist Patrick Matthews derailed the band whose live performances were even then,at best,edgy. Craig does seem to have found his voice a little. Maybe it’s the acoustics of the venue,but as Ride is played the best he manages is to theatrically head butt his amp and microphone.

The songs are short and loud but definitely not sweet. It’s all well and good deviating from the album ver-

DAVE,DAVE AND THESLAVE SNORKMAIDEN

Barfly,Cardiff

Monday May 24

Decked-out in face masks, Newport three-piece Snork Maiden begin very promisingly with a pleasing blend of electronica in the vein of the purely electronic moments of Manitoba. Unfortunately their set fails to progress anywhere, and it all starts sounding somewhat samey after the first two or three songs,drawing to a prolonged screechy conclusion which,I suspect, was supposed to sound apocalyptic, but which was merely tedious.

Probably the best description of Dave,Dave And The Slave's style is 'pub rock'. Whilst normally this may have you scurrying towards something a whole lot more exciting,DD&TS are actually a genuinely splendid band, sounding more like a Welsh Guided By Voices than some dodgy covers act. Tonight they treat the dozen-strong audience to a variety of catchy folkrock songs,none of which are outstanding,but all of which are extremely enjoyable. They came determined to entertain,and in a quiet kind of way they most certainly did. David Ford

Less Than Jake: perfecting the ‘we suck cock’ look

Photos: Gemma Griffiths

Dressed to impress

VIVIENNEWESTWOOD EXHIBITION

V&A Museum

April 1 to July 11

As one of the many admirers of Vivienne Westwood I was not alone in trying to hide my excitement as I walked through the grand entrance at the V&A. Having viewed a small collection of her work as a collaborative exhibition a few years ago I had great expectations for this exhibit which ranges from Westwood’s original focus in punk rock to her creations of the present day.

“Even the shoes make an unorthodox statement”

The first room you walk into shows off designs from the early years. Complemented by a written synopsis, the eras are exhibited chronologically in an attempt to lead you through the thinking behind all this. But of course, in looking at the clothes,it becomes obvious that these eclectic creations are absolutely unique and no one can even try to step into the mind of this creative genius.

All the garments are handmade, emphasising the talent in the tailoring as well as the originality in the thinking. This thinking is reflected still in the clothes fashionable today,an influence which is obvious,yet unrealised by most. A t-shirt with decorative zips, hand-drawn motifs and an unconventional cut is one which is mass-produced and sold in high street stores today.

Even 30 years on this realisation is quite disappointing when you bask in the antiestablishmentarianism of the exhibition. To appreciate this collection is to appreciate

the outrage that would have been provoked at the time they were created in the 1970s. That is not to say that any of the mass produced items even come close to the vitality that these clothes exert. Even the shoes make an unorthodox statement.

Westwood explores everything in this first era,from bondage clothing to tweed jackets. She produces normal clothes with a twist,transforming heritage clothing into something decadent. In looking at previously unseen collections today you see the subver-

sion of the expected as something that is expected. But even so,modern clothes are subdued versions of these creations.

The exhibition also includes video footage of the clothes shown on the catwalk. This brings a different dimension to the garments hung over the models,as if bringing them to life, dancing on the stage with expression; an obvious influence of Westwood’s eccentric personality.

The second section of the exhibition sees the creations of Westwood after her worldwide acclaim during the 1990s. With an obvious extraction

from the lifestyle she shared with husband Malcolm McLaren,these clothes are what she is most famous for. Taking her inspiration from costume, the diversity ranges from tailored suits to sumptuous ball gowns.

Praised for her cuts,Westwood’s tailoring glorifies the female form,hugging the curves and contrasting them with sharp exaggerated collars. She takes the British traditional fabrics and glamorises them. It’s haute couture for the lay person. Effort and talent are exuded from every stitch.

But it’s the gowns that grasp the attention,and it was these that had the room silent in awe. In her love for silk taffeta,Westwood manipulates the silhouette but still captures every curve and angle of the body. In indescribable masses of fabric,she takes dressing up to the limit but still produces elegance. My favourite anecdote here said: “You have a much better life if you wear impressive clothes.”

This exhibition includes even the most recent designs and the range is impossible to note. Creating something outrageous from a historical and cultural starting point is something only appreciated when viewed.

Taking the past as the future, Vivienne Westwood combines the subtle with the extreme and,as such,is an exhibition that should be seen by everybody. It is impossible not to be taken aback by this collection and although London may seem a long way it’s definitely worth the ride.

Flash photography is allowed,and be sure not to miss the interview with Westwood at the end. Natalie Slater

As the exams and essays draw to a close there’s time to explore Cardiff’s more cultural side,right on your doorstep. Rachel Pegum visits the National Museum and Gallery

Hidden treasure

BURIED TREASURE

NationalMuseum and Gallery

Until September 5

Whatis treasure? You might be imagining a pot of gold buried for hundreds of years. But is a skeleton dating from the building of Stonehenge just as valuable to history? Is treasure just something that glitters and sparkles or can it tell us something amazing about the past? Could they shape our view of history?

The current exhibition at the National Museum and Gallery asks these questions and demonstrates the important role that the general public have in our appreciation of history. It features chance historical discoveries from around the UK,recognising not only the value of these finds but also

The museum is running a series of lunchtime talks,looking at a variety of topics,including some of the exhibits in the show,as well as significant sites in Wales. They are on selected Wednesdays at 1.05pm and are as follows

The ‘Legendary’ Treasure of Tregwynt

June 2

Roman Jewellery and what it tells us

Coming up next

Raphael’s Madonna of the Pinks is on loan to the National Museum and Gallery from London this summer,as part of its UK-wide tour.

The painting shows the Virgin playing with her infant son,who is distracted by the flowers she holds - the pinks. It

those who discovered them.

The normally strained relationship between the metal detector and the archaeologist has become a working partnership,with the museum as a resource for the discoverer,being a place where their finds can be added to the fragments of historical knowledge already found. Those featured are some of the most significant finds in Wales,with exquisite pieces of gold and silverware placed alongside a wooden sword and domestic items. My personal favourites are a set of chess pieces,the Lewis Chessmen, made from walrus and whale teeth that were featured in the first Harry Potter film. It’s about questioning the way we look at the artefacts in museums and how much we,as the general public, influence what these artefacts are.

From August 3 to 8,the exhibition is joined by a more modern treasure.

about Roman people

June 9

How the leopard got its spots: investigating the Abergavenny Roman Cup

June 16

The Amesbury Archer: King of Stonehenge?

June 23

Flints from Forests: The significance of surface flint collections

dates from around 1506-7 and is strongly influenced by Leonardo da Vinci. It is being shown as part of a small exhibition with works of the same subject by two other artists, Titian and Domenico Ghirlandaio. The exhibition is on 3 July to 19 September and has free admission.

Fresh from its centre stage spot at the Millennium Stadium,the FA Cup will be on display. Adding to the eclectic feel of the treasure on show,the cup is well worth a look if you’re a football fan.

Jewellery in the Late Middle Ages

June 30

Treasure Ships from Sutton Hoo to Margam Beach

July 21

The Coins and Kings of Celtic Britain

July 28

Burying Bronzes: Recent Prehistoric hoards from Wales

August 11

Sherman Theatre

Bram Stoker’s blood-sucking novel, brought to life by the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama students,was a horrific experience. With flying hearts,streams of blood and

soul-curdling screams there was plenty of gore to go round. The acting was so impressive that sitting in front of madman Renfield became an almost traumatic experience. Despite this it was actually very enjoyable and gave Dracula the true credit that Hollywood could not offer. Dracula as a character defied the pasty,lipstick-wearing toff

stereotype and was kitted out in a fur skin number along with long dreaded hair. In some ways this made him scarier,especially with his freaky contact lenses. If blood and gore is your thing then this excellent performance would get you like a stake through the heart. Laura Quinn

DRACULA

This

week in

Books land Craig Driver marvels at

a harrowing true-to-life

story,while Jason Draper delves into the wonderful world of jazz...

A MILLION LITTLE PIECES

James Frey

John Murray Publishers

A Million Little Pieces begins with James Frey waking up on a plane with his four front teeth missing and a gaping hole in his cheek. This is as good as it gets for him. A searingly honest and brutal insight into Frey’s true-life battle with drugs,alcohol and selfabuse,this is as compulsive and visceral as literature gets. In his hypnotic and inspirational prose,Frey details his death-defying journey from the

very brink.

This is an uncommonly genuine account of a shattered life,as the title suggests. Frey possesses an extraordinary excellence of writing; it is hypnotic and attuned to the rhythms of conversation and speech, delivering what is a brutally unflinching and yet incessantly hopeful affirmation of humanity. Written with an insatiable fervour and kinetic energy this book deserves to be huge and read by all.

Although heartbreaking the prose style is reminiscent of Joyce at his most insane and Welsh at his most perverse. Not since Hunter S Thompson’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas has a book been so remarkably wayward and sublime. Incredibly harrowing and entirely devoid of static and cliché this is a book imbued with inspiration. Craig Driver

THE ROUGH GUIDE TO JAZZ

Ian Carr,Digby Fairweather and Brian Priestly (plus contributions from others)

Rough Guides

Jazz is such a complex genre that you will wonder how a ‘rough guide’ can do it any justice. Luckily,in over 900 pages – and true to the form of past books in the series – this contains all that you will need to know for getting started. With contributions from, among others,jazz know-alls Ian Carr and Chris Ingham,this rough guide is as authoritative,yet accessible as you would hope.

Wisely eschewing the linear narrative approach this presents itself as an encyclopaedia of short biographies All the big names are here: Armstrong,Coleman,Coltrane, Hancock,Gillespie,Monk,King Oliver, Parker,etc. Miles Davis has the largest entry,but then he did change the course of the music roughly six times,so what do you expect? Each entry is accompanied with a select discography,even directing you (where applicable) to important contributions each artist has made to others’ recordings. Strangely,though,the Mahavishnu Orchestra come under ‘John McLaughlin’,which seems slightly unfair.

To its credit,even Jamie Cullum is listed,presumably as a representation of the ‘nu-jazz’ upstarts. Perhaps this is a concession,however,as there is no Norah Jones or Katie Melua. There is even a glossary at the back to help you out with the sometimes-confusing jazz terminology. So,if you are confused over what a ‘multiphonic’ is,or what Japan has to do with what is largely seen as America’s only true art form,you will be set straight.

The only downside is that this retails at £19.99: the same price as Alyn Shipton’s A New History of Jazz, which is the best study of the genre on the market. If,however,you do not wish to know absolutely everything, but feel like you need a helping hand, then this is the book for you.

Jason Draper

DOWN AND OUT IN SHOREDITCH AND HOXTON

Stewart Home The Do-Not Press

From the blurb on the back, Down And Out... has received its fair share of plaudits,including a few from worthy sources such as lit reviews. The promises of ‘shocking’ and ‘downright’ filth up the anticipation factor.

And,yes,these promises were delivered within moments of delving into the text; reams of tedious,empty (and sub-Jilly Cooper) erotica and shockingly poor characterisation. The book reads like verbal masturbation (perhaps with a hint of diarrhoea thrown into the mix). Welcome to an oh-so-painfully-ironic world where educated streetwalkers pick up johns, and go humourlessly from giving head to engaging them in complex sociological diatribes (replete with references ’n all).

Are all current 'lit scene' books like this? Where every branded item (clothing and liquor particularly) simply must be namechecked (I assume Home wouldn't want any of his readers thinking he was familiar with an inferior variety of bourbon)? Where the word bourgeoisie can be haplessly thrown into every other sentence without a hint of irony?

Home has created an empty,soulless London filled with hateful,selfimportant characters. If this was his intention,then fair enough; but I’d rather eat my own face than read another page of his prose. Gareth Lloyd

Anthony Lloyd reads up on the mad world of comedic legend Spike Milligan

SPIKE MILLIGAN:THE BIOGRAPHY

Humphrey Carpenter Coronet

The term ‘unofficial biography’ is always a confusing one. Does it mean that the author has exposed shocking revelations that offended his subject in some way,or does it mean that someone closer to the person in question is writing their own ‘official’ biography? For this book,the latter is true. Carpenter

was neither able to gain interviews with Spike’s last wife nor with his children,but this does not affect his profile of the godfather of British comedy.

Humphrey Carpenter is a professional biographer and an enormous fan of the Goons and Spike Milligan, which makes his portrait of the man informative,as well as intensely loving. A biography of Spike Milligan is extremely challenging; the man himself wrote extensively on his own life (his war memoirs alone fill seven volumes) and Carpenter does well to deal with the problem by focusing on Spike’s life as a comedy writer and performer. He says,“Am I alone in finding the opening bits of biographies almost always very,very boring?”Almost certainly not - the first few chapters of biographies only

ever act as a delay in getting to ‘the good bits’. Spike’s early life as a child and his years in the army are dealt with quickly and effectively,giving the detail needed to understand Spike’s later problems in life.

Carpenter revels in the detailing of Spike’s early comedy career, charting the minute changes in style and content of the Goon Show over its 10 series. He carefully picks quotes to not only show how good the show could be (“It was a hot night in June. Unable to sleep,I took out a sleeping pill. I then woke it up, and swallowed it”) but also how it could be weak when Spike wasn’t in the frame of mind to write.

Aside from the comedy comedy, Milligan was a complex character who was well-known for suffering from depression,and as a major part of his psyche it would be wrong to ignore. Carpenter doesn’t,and shows how Spike was a sick man

Books 29

but also acknowledges that the way in which he chose to deal with it often ostracised his friends and family. Another one of Spike’s quirks was his regular racist remarks. Carpenter again shows neither sympathy nor condemnation,instead choosing to explain that Spike came from a different age in which his terms were more acceptable.

Spike Milligan is a fascinating character,his life being as full of woe as it was laughter. Carpenter has neither focused on one nor other of these aspects; instead,he paints a full and detailed picture of his life’s work and never overtly criticises or praises a man of true genius.

Greatest hits

Combatants: Conan Lee vs Gordon Liu

After his co-star Chow-Yun Fat has a messy bayonet showdown with a crime boss,the impossibly pumped Conan Lee takes on his henchman in a kung-fu chainsaw duel to the death. Demented,dangerous, and recently re-released on DVD.

Jet Li vs mother-in-law

Movie: Fong Sai Yuk

Combatants: Jet Li vs Chan ChungYung

A magnificent feat of choreography, physical prowess,comedy timing and sheer imagination as Fong Sai Yuk competes for the hand of the beautiful Ting Ting in a loser-hits-the-groundfirst kung-fu showdown against her mother! Starting on a massive wood-

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “what are the greatest fight scenes in cinema history?”These are,say Kris Ilic and Mat Croft

en scaffolding that stretches some 20 feet into the air,the fight continues on the heads of the massed crowd. This is a gravity-defying ballet brawl that pisses all over The Matrix and its new fangled “special effects”.

Rocky vs Communism

Movie: Rocky IV

Combatants: Sylvester “Sly” Stallone,Dolph “Generic EasternEuropean” Lundgren

Following corpsification of buddy/mentor Apollo Creed by Ivan Drago in a championship boxing match,Rocky is out for revenge,and he’s bringing overwrought nationalism with him. Hurrah! Travelling to Russia to compete in a stadium full of screaming pinkos the two meatheads pound each other for round after round until finally,in a show of American Might™, Rocky swings the fateful punch that brings Drago and the whole of Communist Russia to its knees in support of the US of A. The “we all can change” speech that follows is a doozy…

Uma vs everyone

Movie: Kill Bill Vol.1

Combatants: Uma Thurman vs the Crazy 88

What more needs to be said? Uma and her sword take out a ton of fellas in black suits and Kato masks led by Johnny Mo (Gordon Liu again) in a fight so bloody it had to be shown in black and white. Totally sweet.

Ivan Drago

Conan Lee

Two-headed director

Brothers Joel and Ethan Coen are two of the most talented filmmakers around today. They write,direct and produce their own films, which include the brutal and stylish debut Blood Simple and the academy award winning Fargo

Cast:Frances McDormand,M. Emmet Walsh

The brothers’ first mainstream film is a dark tale of jealousy,murder and double-crossing. A saloon owner in a small American town discovers his wife is having an affair and hires a private investigator to document it. He then pays the PI to kill the adulterous couple,but the PI has other ideas and it all goes horribly wrong. As the tagline says,nothing is simple when there is blood involved. An excellent tribute to film noir from the Coens, this cold,calculating thriller twists and turns with a great build up of suspense.

Cast:Frances McDormand, William H Macy,Steve Buscemi

This is the best known of the brothers’ films,having won two Academy Awards (Best Actress and Best Original Screenplay). William H Macy plays car salesman Jerry Lundegaard who is hopelessly in debt. He has a scheme to collect a large ransom from his wealthy father-in-law and hires two thugs to kidnap his wife. Frances McDormand plays the pregnant police chief Marge Gunderson in charge of the investigation and you

With the Ladykillers

fea-

turing at the Cannes film festival, Big AlWoolley takes a look at the Coen brothers’ best films

can’t miss Buscemi and Stormare as the bumbling kidnappers. A highly enjoyable film with a superb storyline,surely one of the Coen’s best.

THEBIGLEBOWSKI

Cast:Jeff Bridges,John Goodman,Steve Buscemi

In the brothers’ funniest film, The Big Lebowski follows the escapades of a laid-back,unemployed guy who goes by the name of The Dude and his bowling buddies Walter and Donny. When the The Dude gets mistaken for a millionaire,he is swept into a comedy-thriller of extortion,sex and dope. Strong performances from all the cast,especially John Goodman’s Vietnam vet Walter and John Turturro’s bowling fiend Jesus Quintana. Jeff Bridges is excellent as The Dude and the film just gets funnier every time you watch it. Comedy gold.

Cast:Billy Bob Thornton,James Gandolfini

The Man Who Wasn’t There follows the story of barber Ed Crane,who is dis-

satisfied with spending all day chopping hair in a small Californian town in the 1940s. When a small-time businessman comes to town with a proposal for Ed (Billy Bob Thornton) he decides to blackmail his wife’s boss (James Gandolfini) so he can invest the money. As with all things Coen,a series of conspiring events causes things to go wrong. Beautifully shot in black and white with the brothers’

The twoheaded director

32 Film

Dir:Wolfgang Petersen

Cast:Eric Bana,Brad Pitt,Orlando Bloom,Brian Cox,Diane Kruger

Now,Icould have this wrong,but I thought that Helen of Troy was supposed to be the most beautiful woman in the whole of literature. So any actor portraying her should be a world class beauty of the calibre of Bridgette Bardot or Jane Fonda. Diane Kruger,an average Hollywood hottie of negligable talent,doesn’t really cut it.

But this isn’t Troy’s only example of dodgy casting. Brad Pitt,who does great things with anti-heroes,looks uncomfortable as the straight-up hero Achilles. His attempts to imbue the character with troubled depths fail simply because they aren’t in the script. That said,a good portion of the audience will enjoy the performance by his shapely ass,which has more screen time (and presence) than Diane Kruger.

There are some great talents on display,though. Brian Cox and Peter O’Toole lend their thespy power,and Eric Bana is impressive as the heroic Hector. As he proved in Chopper and The Hulk,Bana is an actor with great range who’ll hopefully be a big star.

The recent glut of historical adventure movies raises one question: did all people in history speak with English accents? Wolfgang Petersen thinks so and it seems that rather than hire a dialogue coach he just rented a few Russell Crowe DVDs and got the cast to watch them.

So that’s the film: miscast and filled with characters who would have been troubled and interesting had the script not refused to get its hands

dirty. The one-on-one fight scenes, though,stand out. Hector’s brawl with Achilles may be the best non-kung-fu fight we’ll see all year,although it’s hard not to shout “Go for the heel!” all the way through. By contrast,the big CGI battles don’t mean much three years after The Two Towers set the standard for that sort of thing. In all, Troy is far from the cinematic event it would like to be.

Mat Croft

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

Dir:Roland Emmerich

Cast:Dennis Quaid,Jake Gyllenhaal

InIndependence Day,Roland Emmerich brought you the near destruction of the earth by aliens. Now,in The Day After Tomorrow the enemy is an even more devastating force: nature itself. Devastating tornados rip Los Angeles; hail the size of grapefruit batters Tokyo; and in New York City,the temperature swings from sweltering to freezing in one day. In this special effects-packed,highly anticipated event motion picture,an abrupt climate change has cataclysmic consequences for the entire planet.

A nagging,disappointing familiarity torments us throughout this apocalyptic disaster movie. The problem isn’t that this is a bad film,but that it reminds us of far better ones. This was done more profoundly in Deep Impact and with more wit in The Core, not to mention obvious references to Titanic and AI.

There’s enough outrageous end-ofthe-world stuff to keep us entertained, and the cast give it everything they’ve got. Sadly,they get no help from

Emmerich since the script abandons them when they need it most: the characters are paper thin,the plotting is lazy and the dialogue is painfully earnest. Emmerich’s world is one of caricatures and stereotypes and they’re all on show here,from the tealoving brits to the technologyobsessed Japanese. The only joy in this film is in the over-the-top disaster effects and witty sight gags. Otherwise,there are contrived romantic subplots,one too many sermons and way more digital sequences than necessary. Some of the catastrophes are impressive,but others are just pointless. The whole film feels stingy and vacuous. And it’s only barely trashy enough to be fun.

Craig Driver

BAD EDUCATION

Dir:Pedro Almodóvar

Cast:Fele Martínez,Gael García Bernal, Daniel Giménez Cacho

Almodovar’s latest offering is yet another heady whirlwind of spicy Spanish sex. Bad Education explores unusual relationships between unusual gay men. Be warned,the sound effects are not for the faint-hearted.

Featuring paedophilic priests,horny choir boys,literary transvestites and opportunist actors,Almodóvar portrays his characters realistically and without judgment. It is refreshing to see a film which deals with unconventional people in an objective and complex manner,rather than simply playing for the audience’s sympathy. Overall,an involving and rewarding film. In two words: postmodernism and bumming.

Stephanie Fuller

The Day After Tomorrow

The greatest show on earth (part II)

Remember our pre-E3 drool-fest? Well,the biggest show on the gaming calender has been and gone,so here’s our post E3 spunk-off. Gareth Lloyd gets giggly and excitable

Halo 2,baby! Destructible environments? New weapons? New moves? Teams of Elites against Humans in multiplayer? Over Xbox Live? Oh man. Oh... man.

Sony finally decided to show the Playstation Portable; while it was an undeniably sssshhexy looking bit of kit,we’ve got our reservations. First and foremost is the battery life: five hours for playing games, two-and-a-half for watching movies? This is all tobe-confirmed at the moment,though. The storage media in use isn’t under dispute, though,and that’s equally worrying; the prospect of buying all our favourite movies and albums again for this proprietory disc format worries our wallets.

including a little Pikachu that responded to prodding and poking! Not in a dirty way,you losers. More conventional (but equally exciting) were the four-player versions of Mario 64 and Metroid that were playable over wireless network. It’s going to be a fearsome battle between this and the PSP,I tell thee.

The Nintendo DS was also on show,and despite looking suspicously like a Fisher Price product,was displayed running some rather interesting games and demos. Many of these utilised the machine’s touchscreen -

Microsoft and Sega had very little on display in comparison to the former handheld excitingness. MS are doing some new stuff with Xbox Live. Sega might release a new console. One day. If hell freezes over,in our opinion. Briefly,some exciting looking titles on the horizon: Knights Of The Old Republic 2, Fable and BC on Xbox; Killzone and Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (BMXs,baby!) on PS2; and on Gamecube,a NEW and realistically styled Zelda title. Spunk! Spunk! Spunk!

It seemed just yesterday that Digital dreamed of the glorious year ahead, yet already it’s come to an abrupt end. About bloody time too! Yes we’re off for our four-month summer hibernation and nothing short of a shiny new copy of Half-Life 2 and a monster PC will bring us back kicking and screaming in September. Doubtless you think you won’t miss us; but I can assure you,you will. After all,who else will brings you everything from gaming to internet culture to totally inane nonsense (dress your gay dog anyone?.. no,thought not). All that remains to be said is a big thank you to our readers and all our contributors,but special thanks go out to Mr Craig Driver and Miss Perri Lewis who have put in far more than their fair share. Goodbye,see you next year! Goodbye!

Seventh heaven?

Not according to Andy Parsons,he thinks you should indulge in Ninja Gaiden as opposed to Seven Samurai 20XX on PS2

As legend has it,games that are film tie-ins are always rubbish, despite recent buckings of the trend such as the ubiquitous Goldeneye Seven Samurai 20XX is an adaptation of the Kurosawa masterpiece which transports the struggle of a village against bandits and the seven hired killers who help liberate them to the far future where hordes of mechanical "humanoids" are causing strife for the common man. The plot follows Natoe,a samurai by trade who decides to help band a team of mercenaries together and,via a bit of wandering around and hack and slash action,sorts everything out again.

After an excellent cinematic opening it’s your job as Natoe to move from area to area,meeting various nefarious characters and systematically hacking robots to bits with your two mystical swords. Cut scenes then

shift the plot along before various showdowns with typical boss characters move you onto the next level. Very quickly it becomes obvious that this is an incredibly linear game. Despite a number of "advanced" fighting techniques to perfect the game consists of rapidly bashing the attack button in the general direction of the robots and then wandering into some new area. Understandably by the fifth level it all gets a bit tiresome.

Reasonable graphics are marred by poor camera angles and clipping whilst the load times between screens and fights are totally unacceptable on a current-gen system. If Vice City can store half a city in huge detail without the need or loading screens every 30 seconds why should the bare basics on show here require it? The voice talent is grating throughout,as is the recurring musical theme

which is repeated on every level. Most annoying of all is the inability to play as any of the other samurai. Surely a game where there is the potential to play as seven radically different characters,each with their own style and set of moves would have injected some life and longevity into this project instead of having to listen to Natoe shout "awesome" for the 756th time.

Ultimately Seven Samurai 20XX is enjoyable hack and slash action for five minutes,after which it becomes a repetitive and derivative waste of time. Save your hard-earned bucks for Ninja Gaiden instead – it’s the perfect example of everything this game isn’t.

Respect in retrospect

Quench editor Alex Macpherson picks the final three cult classics of the year

Kaleidoscope (2000)

Virgin

Four years on from Kelis Rogers’ incendiary debut,its sonic template has become somewhat ubiquitous. All those sparse,staccato rhythms,body-rumbling bass and digital trickery are par for the course in pop music now - but in 2000, they sounded like nothing else which had gone before. The Neptunes,the producers of Kaleidoscope,have since gone on to huge success,but their first album to penetrate the public consciousness remains unbeatable.

Remarkably,the album sounds as fresh as it did on release:swirling Eastern melodies swirl around Mafia, cloaking the song in mystique,while Suspended is a space-age soul epic. It’s worth remembering,though,that the relationship between creator and muse is a two-way street: interpretation is as much an art as creation,and the singer is as important as the song.

Straight outta Harlem with rainbow hair and a personality to match,Kelis treated all pre-conceived notions of what a pop star should be with disdain. She announced herself with the bug-eyed, furious Caught Out There,screaming until her man’s balls shrivelled under her rage; soulful and intense,it remains one of the best singles of the past decade. Then,of course,she turned around and promised to “love you in one million ways” on the sinuous,sexy Good Stuff

Crucially,Kelis understood the power of both offhand detachment and all-consuming feeling,and used both to stunning effect:whether taking a trip on her own delirium on Mars or pleading in vain on the string-soaked Get Along With You, each vocal performance was a tour de force in soul.

At the time,this sounded like music from the future. Turns out that it was the future.

A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE

Dir:Elia Kazan (1951)

Cast:Vivien Leigh,Marlon Brando

It’s rare that a stage play is transferred successfully to the big screen; even less so that it retains the intensity and spontaneity of a live performance. Elia Kazan’s adaptation of Tennessee Williams’s AStreetcar Named Desire can,however,make a strong claim to being the play’s definitive performance.

A limited,stark backdrop preserves the sense of claustrophobia which underpins the plot: the incongruously delicate Blanche Dubois jars with the existing aesthetic from the moment she appears on screen,and the figurative inability of the Kowalski household to contain her attendant melodrama is reflected physically.

The film’s trump card,though,is its casting. Vivien Leigh and Marlon Brando could surely find no roles more suited to them than Blanche Dubois,the fading Southern belleturned delusional alcoholic,and Stanley Kowalski,her sister’s brutal,sexually charged husband. The intensity of the emotional charge which both bring to their characters is magnified by the parallels to their real personalities:Leigh’s exquisitely judged portrayal of a woman slipping into madness at speed was heavily informed by her own struggles with manic depression,while the sheer sexual energy which Brando brought to his role was indicative of a lifelong seducer. The tension in their chemistry,meanwhile,is palpable; as Leigh and Brando prowl around each other’s psyches and bodies,waiting to make their move,the more the final harrowing resolution - and its post-climactic comedown - becomes inevitable.

Taut and harrowing, Streetcar is one of the tragic masterpieces of the 20th century; this is its truest expression.

GLAMORAMA

Bret Easton Ellis (1998) Picador

Espionage thriller; moral satire; tonguein-chic exercise in namedropping; sexy, violent,and not entirely unflattering depiction of the lifestyles of the rich and famous. Bret Easton Ellis’s fifth novel is all of these things at once,shifting between form and structure even as its characters shift between states of mind.

It’s the first Ellis novel to contain a genuine plot,and he stretches his ambition to its limits in constructing an epic following the fortunes of beautiful, dumb,vain It boy Victor Ward through a whirl of fashionista parties,modelling shoots and international terrorism. Themes and characters from previous works are built upon and developed: again,Ellis finds himself simultaneously repulsed and compelled by easy amorality,but this time the focus is on 1990s celebrity worship rather than the rampant greed of the 1980s lampooned so viciously in American Psycho

This is an ambiguity which dominates the book,from the obsessive namedropping which celebrates glitz and glamour even as it tears into it to the hyper-realistic scenes of sex and violence designed as much to titillate as to revolt; indeed,the way in which Ellis revels in his scenes of death is such that Glamorama seems to foreshadow the films of Tarantino,with added existentialist dread.

Narrated by Victor in a tone of hysterical blankness which perfectly captures the mood of Ellis’s Generation X (where X stands for Xanax), Glamorama calmly dissects his veneer of detached irony, before mercilessly stripping it away,as methodically as a torturer,to revealwhat? Typically,it’s never made clear; instead,the concluding chapters disintegrate uncertainly into confusion and we leave Victor with little other than his beauty and a soundtrack to past lives.

Cannabliss?

Make your mind up,if you’ve still got one left - as Bob Marley said,it’s time to Lively UpYourself...

FOR AGAINST

Firstly,I’d like to remind you that you’re reading a student magazine! Apart from eating,sleeping and drinking,the only other talent that we all possess is the ability to puff da ‘erb constantly. Why deny it? What’s better than having a smoke and then pissing yourself laughing at the most random thing?

The entertainment value alone is enough to win the support of any non-believer. It’s harmless in sensible doses and is something that every uni student should do before entering the real world out there. It’s great! If you’re not a fan of smoking then just shove it in your cake and you’re sorted.

I’m not for a minute suggesting that you close the curtains and hide behind a festering cloud of smoke while you convince yourself that everyone hates you,and you slowly succumb to fits of paranoia (a minor downside to continuous dope-smoking). On the other hand,a spliff helps to calm you down after a night of heavy revision and panicking about how late you’ve left it all! Just kick back and chill out with a joint...

In all seriousness,we should follow the example set by the Netherlands and legalise cannabis. They’ve been at it over there since the 1970s with very few repercussions. The medical reason alone should be enough to support this opinion. Anyone affected by diseases such as multiple sclerosis or cancer will appreciate the positive effects of this drug. Why should we have access to prescription painkillers,sleeping pills and anti-depressants,yet remain unable to benefit from cannabis? People should be prescribed this drug if it helps to ease the genuine suffering and discomfort of the paitent.

Although it is still an addictive substance,the fact that it has been downgraded to Class C suggests that the danger involved in taking it is minimal. Dope is not in the same category as ecstasy,cocaine and speed (base). If used in moderation,there should be no problems at all. At the end of the day,if people are going to abuse any form of drug,prescription or illegal,then it’s going to be a health hazard. Just be sensible and smoke ‘em if you got ‘em

Why should anyone with the willpower to stay away from drugs listen to the pathetic ramblings of those that have nothing better to do than sit and talk shit, giggling to his/her fellow canehead? Normally,you’ll find that these people are riddled with paranoia,suffer with some form of depression and have bits of Golden Vee stuck in their teeth!

Why put up with such side-effects? It’s a fact that one in four cannabis users will suffer from depression as a direct result from previously or presently taking the drug. If that’s not worrying enough,the damage inflicted upon the short-term memory is unbeliveable! Just try asking a "hardcore" weed smoker what they had for breakfast amd you’ll get a blank expression. Funny for us,but somewhat scary for them! God help them when they get a bit older (hopefully they won’t be able to remember everyone laughing at them for being gullible enough to start smoking cannabis in the first place). Not only do they look goggle-eyed and dazed,but these people are continually inflicting long-term brain damage on themselves.

Just because we’re all students doesn’t mean we have to smoke dope to fit in with the student role. Although cannabis is only a Class C drug,the dangers shouldn’t be lightly brushed aside. This "safer" drug addiction can ofen mature into a need to experiment further and further. Don’t fall into the trap of getting hooked and wasting your money on more dangerous substances! Also,people tend to ignore the fact that smoking dope is no better than sparking up a fag. Sorry to have to break it to you,but the risks of lung,throat and oesophagus cancer are still lurking in the background. It doesn’t matter how many times you ignore the statistics,the truth of the matter is not just going to change!

The only acceptable reason for using cannabis should be for medical reasons. If it genuinely helps someone battling with a serious illness then by all means take the drug,but trying to convince yourself that you need to conquer stress by puffing away on a joint is no excuse. Carry on if you want to be fat (let’s not forget the "munchies" whereby you eat anything in sight regardless of shape,colour or origin). Can’t these people spend their time and money on better things? Get outside and get a life!

Laura Hillier

Victoria Clark

Blind date

Blind Date round up...

For our final issue of Quench we at Blind Date have rounded up the highs and lows of this year’s dates...

The best quotes:

What were your first impressions of Katy? She was really good looking,nice and talkative. We got on straight away.

Katy and Elgan,Quench 5

Describe the date in a few words. It was fantastic.

Natalie and Harrison,Quench 7

Do you think Madeline matches up to the high standards at Cardiff University?

Asolutely... imagining Mads in her doctor’s uniform... well all I can say is “down boy”. Madeline and Nick,merger special Blind Date in Quench 9

By Kerry-Lynne Doyle and Lisa O’Brien

The worst quotes:

Did you swap phone numbers?

Yes,but I deleted his when I got home. I didn’t really have space to store it on my phone.

Hilary and Ed,Quench 2

Did you go out afterwards? I did,but not with him!

Sophie and Harold,Quench 6

Did you swap phone numbers?

Yes,to get rid of him!

Syreeta and Sid,Quench 10

Blind Date update: Here’s an update on some ex-participants

Dawn Shewell,Quench 3

Are you still in touch?

No.

Any tips for people taking part in Blind Date next year?

Go in open-minded,it’s lots of fun and you meet nice people. He was nice. We just didn’t click.

A big thank you goes out to A Shot In The Dark for being our Blind Date venue this year. A licensed coffee bar open until 11pm seven days a week it has been the perfect venue for our dates. Next to Weatherspoons on City Road,you can get more info by calling 02920 472300.

Syreeta Agbo,Quench 10

Are you still in touch?

No.

Any tips for people taking part in Blind Date next year?

Be open-minded about what you’re getting.

Until next term...

Piyush Roy,Quench 12

Are you still in touch? No,not exactly.

Any tips for people taking part in Blind Date next year?

Be yourself. Don’t go there to impress. Go there to mentally connect.

Alas,it is here that we come to an end. Thanks to everyone who has taken part in Blind Date in the past year and if you fancy a free slap-up meal and date next term then please get in touch in September. In the meantime here are some stonking chat up lines to ensure maximum pulling potential this summer.

1. I may not be the best looking guy/girl here but I’m the only one talking to you.

2. If I could rewrite the alphabet,I would put U and I together.

3. Baby,you must be a broom ‘cause you just swept me off my feet.

4. Are you free tonight or is it going to cost me?

5. You might not be the best looking girl/guy here but beauty is only a light switch away.

6. You know,it’s not pre-marital sex unless you plan on getting married.

7. Hi,you’ll do.

8. Forget that. Playing doctor is for kids. Let’s play gynaecologist.

9. Well,here I am. What were your other two wishes?

10. Help the homeless. Take me home with you.

So there you have it; these lines cannot fail to get a laugh so get out there, start pulling and enjoy your summer! Meanwhile,just keep in mind the immortal words of Mrs Patrick Campbell - it doesn’t matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses.

Postcards from Sicily

By Sarah Cummins,Catania

Well,I'm coming to the end of my year abroad,and this is my last postcard. The last nine months have been fantastic. I've lived with eight Sicilians in an awful house where nothing ever works - we still have no hot running water in the kitchen (luckily it no longer runs down the walls!) and the toilet still does not flush - but I've also had the opportunity to experience real life here in Sicily.

It's been a hard year but a great one; I've learnt a lot about myself and the Sicilians,and visiting other towns and cities around the island and the mainland has opened my eyes to the differences between Italians and Sicilians. As I travel around after uni I will be determined to experience the real life of the places I visit,not their tourist industry.

I've seen parties on Etna and in the streets of Catania,funerals in the Aeolian Islands,numerous weddings in Taormina,the carnevale in Venice, rugby in Rome and loads of tourists in Tuscany. I’ve also learnt not to wear sandals unless I want

the attention of Sicilian men.

Sicily is an amazing part of the world with loads to see and friendly - sometimes overly solocals.

If the opportunity comes up to live in another country,whether it’s work,study or play,grab it with both hands. It's an invaluable experience,as well as being great to put down on the old CV! Ultimately,going abroad is not just about learning a new language it's about living a new way of life.

So,as most people will be using this last issue as an excuse to get their petty grievances off their chests,I figure that I might as well do the same. Hell,no-one actually reads this column anyway,so here goes… things that encourage my borderline psychosis,listed… or not. You see,making lists into legitimate pieces of writing is an untrustworthy practice at best,an excuse for laziness which may lead to the terrible fate of becoming Nick Hornby,and there’s already too much of him to go around. Listing things in a piece of writing has ‘filler’ written all over it; it’s a sure sign of desperation on the part of the writer. It’s almost as bad as slagging someone off when they’re down and don’t have an opportunity to reply,which no one in Quench would do,especially not its former editor. What’s more,it’s a habit that affects even the best of writers. Ulysses,one of the greatest books ever (no matter what some Harry Potter-reading cunt tells you otherwise) would have been a lot shorter had it not been for Joyce’s nerd-tastic attention to detail. What’s more,it would have been a worse book. So what makes Jimmy’s lists acceptable and Nick’s a fucking dis-

grace? Maybe it’s a matter of taste. Or maybe it’s because James Joyce was a fucking legend and Nick Hornby is a personification,a fucking avatar of mediocrity. Yes,that might have something to do with it.

Ooh,get me. I’d better get back into the drawer before I cut myself. As you can probably tell I have no idea what to write about,just in time for what will probably be my last ever piece for this noble institution.

Alf Garnett writes: “Really? I thought you did this every time.”

Henry Rollins interjects: “SILENCE, GARNETT! YOUR ASS IS MINE!”

Lucretia Borgia speaks : “Yeah, ’cause these ‘comical’ additions have nothing to do with using up space. They’re not even ripped off from other, more successful columns. Hell no.”

Charlie Jenkins: “Hey,this isn’t even a pseudonym.”

Well if all else fails,let’s get down to some Nazi-bashing. And while I’m at it, a crack at the Tories,New Labour and their apologists (hint,hint),and the Lib Dems. I find most people distasteful, myself included so maybe I’ll be gentle this time. Nevertheless,the BNP are fascist scum who lack even the decency to acknowledge their obvious

self-hatred and kill themselves. Remember this,kiddywinks: Hitler was elected by constitutional means. Did that make him a democrat? Fuck no. And neither will a vote for the BNP make them anything other than hatefuelled white supremacist bastards. So there. Anyone who actually votes for these cocksuckers will be getting the representation they deserve; incompetent twats with a shoe size greter than their IQ. If you fall into this category,please do us all a favour and take to sleeping on railway lines.

So,break out the trampagne and the pork pies,kids. Thankfully,you’ll never have to endure this stuff again, although short of blowing my brains out there’s very little that would stop me from articulating my opinions in some sort of print. That said,if I had access to firearms I’d be long dead by now. So perhaps that’s a reason for maintaining current weapon laws. Perhaps not. Whatever. Anyhoo,a few parting messages: Vote for Respect. The popular press are a bunch of venal self-serving liars. Heavy drinking/drug abuse is acceptable if you don’t fuck up other people’s lives with iit. Don’t be a cunt to people. Just think for a change.

Your Horoscopes with Madame Cynthia

Sagittarius

(Nov 23 - Dec 21) Yet again your life has turned into a crock of shite. That’s because even massive lumps of rock and gas, floating millions of miles away,hate your guts.

Capricorn

(Dec 22 - Jan 20) Boys, boys,boys are looking for a good time. Except,of course,in your case,where no one will touch you with a shitty stick.

Aquarius

(Jan 21 - Feb 18) Your career in the broad church that is competitive eating is scuppered when your mouth falls off. Bad luck, cheese.

Pisces

(Feb 19 - Mar 20) Fate plays the straight man yet again as Wednesday sees you become the personification of evil,whereupon you can do what the hell you like. Sweet!

Aries

(Mar 21 - Apr 20) Although you have never set much stock on the advice of others,you are forced to concede that the vicar was right. That wasn’t the last you saw of that plate of fig rolls,was it?

Taurus

(Apr 21 - May 21) You’ve got to accentuate the positive, elim-i-nate the negative,which is easy for Bing Crosby to say. He’s not the one bound and gagged in a car boot at the bottom of the canal. Still, try and make the best out of it.

Gemini

(May 22 - June 22) You will experience a warm feeling of delight upon starting a new job, but sadly it will be short-lived. That’s right - you’re removing lobsters from Jayne Mansfield’s arse.

Cancer

(June 22 - July 22) Look,I don’t mind taking it from behind, but could you at least put your book down whilst you’re at it?

Leo

(July 23 - Aug 23) Sadly,your cry of “yabba-dabba-doo” does not endear you to the survivors,the Vatican or the bus company.

Virgo

(Aug 24 - Sep 22) Them buggers at Monkey World should be shot for the way they treated your boy.

Libra

(Sep 23 - Oct 22) Think you’re special,don’t you? Well,let’s get this straight,pal: lots of people have stigmata round these parts. Cunt.

Scorpio

(Oct 23 - Nov 22) As your doctor will no doubt agree,I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly. That said,I don’t really,my body is too bootylicious for you,baby.

Madame Cynthia would like to say that writing these horoscopes has been a pleasure and that she appreciates the support of her readers.However,to say that would be untrue,as she can’t stand you bunch of mewling,puking, whining slobs.The quicker she can get back to Belgravia the better.And in no way is that a picture of Maria Callas. Honestly.