Quench Issue 20 - 7 Feb 2005

Interviews ask the Stereophonics to retire

Features: Celebs and AI - same thing?

Fashion: Things. With... clothes.

Travel: Rock on, panda-chops

Gay: Keeping to the straight and narrow

Music: Tsunami gig coverage

Film

Food Interview that chef geezer Sport: Dirty videos?!

Executive editor Gary Andrews

Quench editor James Anthony

Arts Debbie Green,Laura Quinn,Natalie Slater Blind Date Lisa O’Brien Books KerryLynne Doyle Columnists John Stanton,Bastion Springs Cult Classics Catherine Gee Debate Jessica Webb Digital Simeon Rosser-Trokas Fashion Perri Lewis Features Emma Langley,Hannah Perry Film Craig Driver,Alan Woolley Food Mari Ropstad Gay Ian Loynd Going Out Dave Adams Interviews Will Dean,Xandria Horton Mr Chuffy Himself Music Sam Coare,Jon Davies One Trick Pony Geordie Chris,Matt Hill,Mr Chuffy Photography Luke Pavey,Adam Gasson Travel Sarah Cummins,Laura Tovey Contributors Jacqueline Jardine,Megan Conner,Jules Thorpe-Smith,Andrew Mickel,Henry Farrell,George Wilkinson, Robert Sharples,Jardine Wringe,Katie Brunt,Greg Cochrane,Tom Scott,James Woodroof,John Williams,Natalia Kekic,Will Schmit,Reshma Patel,Sarah Dobbs,Colm Loughlin,Mark kelly,Samuel Strang,Ellen Waddell,Nick Thakkar,Tanya Partridge,Samara Casewell,Celeb Woodridge,Shell Plant,AJ Silvers,Bren Coopey,Lizzie Ingham, Chris White,Andy Johnson,Iain Hutchins,Craig Nunes,Adam Lawrence,John Stanton,Nathalie Southall,Elgan Iowerth Photographers and illustrators James Perou Proof readers Hannah Perry,Katherine Mallam,Alys Southwood,Jasmine Cooper,Carly Sharples Ailsa Chalk Cover design Will Dean Thought of the week: The best thing that Einstein contributed to the world of science is the eccentric hairstyle

D i r t y M a c

EVER THE razzle-dazzle,giltedged operation that Quench is,we have three stereos up here,none of which work. It looks like Steptoe’s Radio Shack.

Being the spoiled little middleclass student brats that we are, there’s a glut of mp3 players,all with bloated hard drives that can hold more music than we’d ever need.

This leads to much complaining that “every second song is the same” since no-one’s got a bloody clue what’s in the massive memory, or how they managed to get 19 Oasis bootlegs,two identical Nancy Sinatra albums and Supercalafragilisticexpealidocious from The Mary Poppins Soundtrack on there.

The other effect of having twelvety mp3 players in the office is the postmodern angst of “hard drive envy”. This occurs when someone else shames your paltry disk-space with their swarthy 40 Gig monster. Bad enough if you’ve got 30Gb,let alone 512Mb. (Gasp!)

Anyone with less than this is destined to walk in fear and insecurity for evermore,quaking in the knowledge that their jukebox will never hold 10,000 songs and the new Killers album. And this lead an impotent and unsatisfying existence, obviously.

It’s sad to think that each technological advancement has the potential to bring people more worries. It makes it easier for advertising executives to prey on people like horrid marketing Vampires. They’ve done it to girls for years: now none of you are thin or pretty enough and you constantly smell wrong.

Boys secretly believe that everything they own is linked to the size of their dick,which is why we like gadgets. Always have to be playing with something,and it has to be bigger/better/faster/stronger/longer than the next man’s.

Enough of this post-millenial prick waving. Will has unplugged my Zen and is sliding his iPod violently into my Mac’s socket without my permission. I must exact my revenge...

( O v e r r a t e d )

( Dehumidifiers )

There is no better liar than the dehumidifier. Noisily,it presents itself as a formidable threat to the rising damp gobbling your walls. Noisily,it convinces you that it is indeed launching covert and deadly strikes on all that mould,capturing it and storing it in a tray. But,well,no. The noise is simply that: noise. Not a feat of modern technology,not even a feat of post-modern design. It is a merely a deceitful electrical box that looks just like a large electrical box with buttons and a tray and a power requirement that comprehensively rapes your electricity supply. For what? A tray of water. A machine that SOUNDS like it is solving world debt,poverty and global terrorism,but in fact is putting some water in a tray. A result attainable by using a tap and a Tupperware container.

( Vast Expanses Of Moorland )

Hill walking,getting fit,having a picnic with jam and peanut butter sandwiches,remote sexual adventures,clear skies,starry evenings,beautiful scenery, stunning views,away from all that urban dehumanisation,away from your abusive modem connection,more trees,a bit of moss,hiking,mountain climbing, rolling in the grass/snow/stinging nettles,bizarre rock formations,rare birds, rabbits frolicking gaily,the odd hedgehog,farmland,sheep,wooden stiles,a bit more moss,small streams,paragliding,illegal paintballing. A vast expanse of moorland: wonderful. Until you get twatted by a bit fat stick of lightning.

( U n d e r r a t e d )

( Clouds )

( Beards )

Beards are great because you can hide things in them. Too often the beard is associated with communism,murderous doctors,buggerers of wildlife,rednecks,Zangief from Street Fighter II,Jesus,the Giant from Jack and the Beanstalk and people like that. Thing is,I can’t grow one yet,because I haven’t quite finished puberty. So perhaps that is why beards seem so delightful. With or without the requisite child hiding in them,or even enough sustenance to hide in a desert for WEEKS on end,drinking and eating from the furry animal dangling beneath the chin. Beards: I want one.

Hey,did you know clouds held WATER? I didn’t,until one fell on my house. Thing about clouds is,you can make shapes out of them. Willies,cats,giraffes,turtles and sharks. Do this on the train and the hours fly like some other things that...fly.

( Oven Gloves )

Stop using tea towels. Oven Gloves stop your hands getting burnt,but they also double up to make fantastic hand puppets to EAT YOUR HOUSEMATES.

( L e g e n d )

Now normally I would be one of the last people supporting the Beeb (they make Songs of Praise for heaven’s sake,a programme that offends me on every conceivable level). Merrily will I use my TV licence for swatting Jehovah’s Witnesses,yet the decision to show ‘Jerry Springer: the Opera’ was the kind of daring decision one would expect from an independent and non-commercial Broadcasting Corporation.

The show featured Christ in a nappy,line dancing Ku Klux Klan members,transexuals and according to the Daily Mail - 8000 expletives (which would translate to more than one swear word per second!). The award winning stage-show satirises

the absurdity of the Springer cult,taking confrontational television to its natural and ultimate conclusion. The show concludes with Springer becoming God,a fitting reflection of modern day deities.

Complainants (of which the BBC received 45,000) argued that "The Opera sews evil into people and scandalises Christianity". However, the National Secular Society supported the decision,urging the BBC not to relent to "religious bullies".

The ITC received a similar volume of complaints about the Brass Eye Paedophile Special; any programme that is mentioned in the same breath as satirical comedy genius Chris Morris must be worth a viewing.

The BBC

( T o s s e r )

Not since Ronald Reagan has the United States seen a smoother transition from Big Screen actor to Big Time politician. However,on the 19th of January,not content with the widespread misery caused through films such as Jingle All the Way and Kindergarten Cop, Arnold Schwarzenegger,Governor of California,allowed the first Californian death penalty to be served in three years.

Despite clear evidence of repentance,bearded Donald Beardslee was executed by lethal injection for an impulsive double murder committed some 14 years previously,which his defence claim was performed while suffering from a brain disorder. Despite the disorder,Arnie argued in arbitrary good old fashioned good ver-

sus evil movie stylee,that the felon knew right from wrong. The Terminator rejected a plea of mercy for the 61-year-old,serving up some old school Hollywood gun-ishment.

In his homeland,politician Peter Pilz has called for the revocation of Schwarzenegger’s Austrian citizenship claiming that "capital punishment is unacceptable in Austria and in Europe,and no Austrian citizen may take part in it or arrange it". The execution comes while his adopted second nationality continues to maintain an invasion justified through human rights violations. The absurdity of this inherent contradiction would be more befitting in Hollywood, True Lies perhaps?!

Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Gay marriage should be between a man and a woman" –Arnold Swarzenegger on same sex marriages.

final thoughts (...)

One Trick Pony

Informing,educating and making citrus fruit juice.

Arnie.Enough said.

"As an opera,it’s perfect" – Jerry Springer on the show satirising his programme.

“To me,to you” - Does anyone ever get bored of Chuckle Brother Hijinx?

This week OTP is brought to you in Geordie’s absence by Sir. Chuffy (this page) and Dr. Matthew (the one that isn’t this page but the other).

FOR AGAINST W i t h B o y s Living...

Jacqueline Jardine Megan Conner

As a girl who lives with not one,but five guys,I can actually say it’s great to live with the male species. I reckon one of the biggest advantages is that there’s always an opportunity to ask for advice on other blokes. When asking your girlfriends anything about a man,you usually hear what you want - ‘No,he’s a complete bastard and it’s all his fault!’ (Not necessarily the truth) However,when you ask your male housemates,you’ll actually get some honest,unbiased advice. There’s definitely no beating around the bush,and it’ll give you some insight as to how your man might actually feel about the situation.

Not only are male housemates good for bloke advice, their honesty also makes them useful for fashion tips. They’ll tell you if you look sexy in a top or when a pair of trousers actually makes your arse look like the back of a bus. This also makes you aware that you’re living with the opposite sex and that you really should take more care of your appearance: you find that you do get round to putting a brush through your hair,that you shave your legs a bit more and make a conscious effort to eat healthily and exercise. (Well,try to make some kind of effort)

As a girl who likes football and rugby and the odd Kronenbourg,it’s nice to occasionally get away from my hair straightening. By accompanying my boys to the pub to watch the footie,I’m open to two major advantages. The first is that you’re included in the rounds,but always manage to get out of buying one. The second is that your social circle expands and you end up meeting their male friends,who include the really fit guy off their course that you’ve always fancied.

Not forgetting the really obvious advantages: male housemates can change light bulbs,they only take five minutes in the shower and can pretend to be your boyfriend when a drunken sleaze won’t leave you alone. Don’t get me wrong,the girls I live with are obviously cool, but I think I got extremely luckywith the boys,because as far as my experience goes,it’s really quite nice living with the little hairy monsters.

Ialways thought I’d prefer to live with Chandler and Joey than Monica and Rachel simply because they’re funnier,more laidback and have a great TV chair. When I moved into a new house with five blokes this year,I was quite glad there’d be no more bitching and conversations about washing-up,and was even more chuffed when I found out we had a Friends-style chair. However,whilst watching Friends one day on this chair in our living room,my positive outlook soon changed. I came to notice (along with the clutter under my feet) something I never had before. Chandler and Joey’s flat was clean! In horror,I realised Friends wasn’t real,and at the same time,that I was living with five male students in a house that resembled something a rat might like to inhabit. I decided to do some cleaning.

Six weeks on,I’ve realised what it is to feel like my Mum,and refuse to care as much as Monica. No matter how much you clean the bathroom or get the kitchen straight,you’re going to get dried wee on the toilet seat and fortnight old remnants of economy burgers,kievs and chips all over the breakfast bar. They aren’t going to clean it,and even if you do,they won’t keep it tidy.

Control of the remote is also not a two-way thing. What is two-way is the flicking of the switch on the central heating. They may think they’re being sensible and saving money every time they turn it off immediately after you’ve left the room,but what they don’t seem to understand is that leaving the lights on twenty-four hours a day costs just as much,and frankly doesn’t keep us warm. I guess that’s boys for you – they always do have trouble finding the right switch!

To put it simply,male housemates have the same annoying factor as your boyfriend and all the same bad bits too,just in a more unattractive body. No hygiene standards,selective hearing and the urge to bug you with weird questions about threesomes and porn. Even though I hate to admit it,they do have their good points. It might have something to do with the fact that they’re generally funnier and more laidback than a bunch of girls,and chose us a house with a Friends-style TV chair...

Chuffy Investigates...

The turgid army of dangerous,rabid asylum seekers and the dangers they pose to Blighty

rom high above the white cliffs of Dover,in a makeshift castle built upon solid prejudice,in the distance, I can just about make out the HMS Immigrant. Its hull rammed full of dole cheats,coloured folk and bum rapists. I quake within the fortification fully expectant that these animals will steal my job,only to subsequently quit and claim extensive benefits paid for by my hard-earned taxes. Like a man waiting in a hole, I will fight them on the beaches armed with nothing more than a Mail on Sunday colour supplement. Alternately,they could just be ordinary people escaping persecution. It’s an incongruous seal whichever way you club it.

Alphabetically,asylum seekers are high on everyone’s agenda surpassed only by Andre (Peter) and Abi (Titmuss – demonstrating one of the many ways to obtain a Blue Peter badge). However,much misinformation and superstition surrounds their existence. Early January saw large-scale demonstrations at Folkestone by Gender Purists protesting against the arrival of transexuals from Eastern Europe. The farcical scenes turned from Crying Game to lying shame when on arrival it transpired the individuals were irrefutably male: simply Checks with Dicks.

In a recent MORI poll commissioned by the Conservative Party, 72% of people questioned believed asylum seekers were descendent of weasels,whereas a staggering 37% recalled reading the fictitious sixth JK Rowling novel Harry Potter and the Asylum Seeker of Doom. Is it any wonder the British public are running scared like Jacko from a jury (that’s a simile folks,with heavy emphasis on an implicit ‘allegedly’).

Daily Mail myths are rife making asylum the lukewarm spud of this election year. Fortunately,some of the political parties are proposing pro-active asylum legislative options for the May electorate. The pro-asylum Liberal Democrats are currently

putting the finishing touches to lawtype-stuff advocating the abolition of reflective materials. A Lib Dem spokesperson told Quench "Yes,currently the UK does feel crowded but with no mirrors confusing individuals, they’ll soon realise there’s actually not that many people". Some argue that supporting asylum seekers is a drain on taxes. A recent government White Paper aims to counter this problem through the introduction of a tax on drains rather similar to the window tax from back in them days. Asylum is certainly not a modern

phenomenon,as evidenced by the recent discovery of Shakespeare’s lost 19th play,entitled,‘Two Gentlemen of the Former Yugoslavian Republic of Macedonia’. In this latest theatrical beef injection,the Bard, through subtle use of homo-erotic imagery and iambic pentameter, tells a dark comedy of unrequited love set within an articulated lorry. Traditionally,persecuted individuals are better at finding stuff. Johan,who entered the UK last year disguised as a giant colon,was the 1999 Estonian Hide and Seek champion. "I did the finding" Johan proudly informed Quench when we met him doing something rather different with cockles in London’s Soho. This scarcely known ability explains the

reason why people like Johan are so desperately needed in the UK. A recent Government statistic estimated that 12 psychiatric hospitals vanish every month and the figure is rising.

Some are illegally sold to infertile couples,whilst others are relocated and used for make-shift raves enabling the party-goers to quite literally go mental. Old psychiatric hospitals are often seen discarded along the roadside by disgruntled dyslexic scrap merchants,angered by the discovery of a distinct lack of metal.

Psychiatric hospitals,especially those constructed for use in combat by the Ministry of Defence are adept at disguise. After being released,often by some crazed juvenile who thinks mental illness is ‘a bit of a laugh’,the hospital will scarper and is incredibly difficult to track down.

One cunning asylum infiltrated a South Wales community for two years,holding down a low-level job in the school catering industry. Asylum seekers,as their name suggests,are phenomenally skilled in finding these delinquent mental institutions. They are trained expertly in looking for clues and stuff.

Unbeknown to many of the British public,Broadmoor has been on the run for the past three weeks. The institution was last sighted in a Cornish fishing village being rude to pensioners.

When informed about Broadmoor, Penny Clutterbucket,representative of the British public,was shocked by the news. "I’m shocked",said Penny,visibly shocked. A charity single raising funds to find Broadmoor has already been penned by the Bedingfield siblings and is planned for release in early March.

However,it could be too late for altruistic acts of celebrity generosity. Political parties need to halt this petty propaganda and acknowledge that the nation immediately needs Asylum Seekers. If Broadmoor is not found soon and falls into the hands of terrorists,it could be another 9/11.

Keeping Up With The Joneses

Most people I know would probably agree I’m not the best person to define ‘normal’. With secret gigs,a new line-up, a new album and a European tour,I doubt the Stereophonics can help you either. Sitting across from them on the balcony of The Point,however, was surreal and yet completely casual.

I felt like one of the enemy: with the well-documented departure of drummer Stuart Cable and a huge press backlash,the boys must have mixed feelings towards the press. So, are they eagerly anticipating the reception to the new album,or do they not give a stuff anymore? "I gave up in 1999" Kelly deadpans. "Everybody’s been really positive, which has shocked us in a way because the last two albums we’ve defended ourselves against whatever we’d done"adds Richard.

So far it doesn’t look like they’ll have to. "Glasgow was amazing" grins Kelly. "We did Dakota (the new single) and it was as well received as Local Boy,everyone knew all the words". Does Jones’ new album, Language, Sex,Violence,Other? lend itself to a rock’n’roll set? "We didn’t want a record with acoustic guitars on - we

wanted a rock record. And (they wanted) to start the band back in small places and build it up,play album tracks as well as singles. You can quite easily end up doing greatest-hits when you play arenas all the time. It’s just nice to have a balance,and that’s what we want to do this year". So,mixing arena gigs with smaller

"I never tried [having sex to the album].I don’t think I could handle hearing my voice for all that time."

-Kelly Jones

venues,how did Kelly find the Tsunami gig? He laughs. "Goldie Lookin’ Chain saved my life. I was having a heart attack on the side of the stage,so I watched them and they cracked me up. Until then I’d nearly got back in the car and gone." would Jones rather have a group of mates doing the shouting for him? “Well,we do really,they just don’t come on the stage” chuckles Kelly referring to their loyal gang of roadies.

Despite the fact that The Point will see only the third live gig of the new line up,the band look completely comfortable. Javier sits thoughtfully, contributing now and again: although he’s the ‘new boy’,there is definite potential in the chemistry. Kelly goes some way to explaining the synchronicity "We’ve known each other for about four years. Javier played percussion on the last record; we did a week’s rehearsal before Christmas and a week’s rehearsal last week, plus all the time that we did the album together,so he kinda just learnt the back catalogue in-between".

You can always rely on a bit of sex, drugs and rock’n’roll. When pressed about a quote on Radio 1,Kelly admits: "[I said] it was a record that was good to drive to,good to shag to, dance to. I haven’t tried shaggin’ to it no",he laughs. After a pause,"I’m not really that good a driver. I’m not very good at dancing either." We’ll just have to speculate about the latter.

Language,Sex,Violence,Other? is out March 28

Above: Kelly in action. Right: Richard and Kelly; turning it up to at least 8

Lost Souls

...

“Sex,drugs,and rock and roll are part of this band." Jon Davies meets Kasabian

KASABIAN: What led them to make claims of greatness? “Alcohol”.

Preparation is the key to a great interview,you've always gotta know about who you’re interviewing and it always helps if you've got a few questions lined up. This is why I fear my interview with Serge Pizzorno,guitarist and chief songwriter in Kasabian,is about to descend into a farce.

My preparation,so far,has been to get ever-so-slightly intoxicated thanks to the influence of my friends. As the interview draws closer I have that feeling you get when you're about to do an exam and you know you haven't done enough revision... Fuck it,I bet Lester Bangs never prepared for interviews.

2004 has been a bit of a mad year for Kasabian,not only have they progressed from playing the club-circuit to selling out big venues,but they've also released one of the most successful albums of the year. For someone who is now living the life of a fully fledged rock star I asked Serge how the year has gone,

"The back end of it has been insane, to say the least. The last three months I don't know where I am anymore it’s been mad".

Mad is probably a bit of an understatement,especially if you’ve declared youself "Best new band in Britain" to NME. Understandably,this probably puts a bit of pressure on. So what's it like seeing yourself on the front of magazines? "It’s weird ‘cause you see them all over the place it’s like you can’t get away from it almost." Referring to that particular interview,I wanted to find out whether Kasabian were a bunch of cocky pricks who think they are the best thing ever,or a normal bunch of lads who thought it would be funny to take the piss out of an NME hack.

Turns out it was closer to the latter. So why would you claim such a thing? "Alcohol." Fair enough.

Surely though,claiming greatness can only put you under pressure as a band,so why do it? "It was a funny thing to say I suppose,people take it

far too seriously though. It’s one of those things that when anyone ever says it,it’s usually tongue in cheek. I wouldn't take it too seriously." So there you have it: a bit of modesty from Britain's cockiest band.

I have to admit I was a little disappointed at this point,it would have made a great interview if he claimed a God-like status over the general public and unveiled his plan to start a new religion. Ah well. So what about the rock and roll lifestyle; is that all just a myth as well? "It’s weird,people always talk about this lifestyle and say how it’s all over but it’s definitely not. Sex,drugs,and rock and roll are part of this band." Are you not scared though you'll take it too far and up 'doing a Bez'? "It'll probably last for another year or so, but then I don't think you can do it anymore,you'll just grow into a cabbage.” Quite.

t te l l Sam C Coare

We’re all familiar with the romanticised photos of the likes of Led Zeppelin relaxing in the comfort of their Madison Square Garden dressing room, reporters and photographers eagerly awaiting a brief quote or photo that within a week would be paraded on the cover of the Rolling Stone. The glamour of the music industry,after all,is heralded around the mythological ‘backstage’ party. As I race through the rain down Queen Street, the harsh reality of the music industry dawns. "We’ll take this in the dressing room," I’m told as I arrive, greeted by guitarist Larry Hibbit and bassist Andy Gilmour.

One thing is for sure: Cardiff Barfly certainly isn’t Madison Square Garden. The ‘dressing room’ in which we speak is a mere cupboard with some unpadded benches,endless discarded boxes and a small radiator. As I unravel what remains of my rainsoaked notes,one topic stands out: that of Sony Records.

"That was about them not being into us anymore" explains Larry. "Noone was interested. They weren’t doing anything for us,just simply not working with us anymore. They stopped promoting it [Shatterproof Is Not A Challenge,the band’s second album]. We couldn’t get tour support,

release singles or make videos."

"Friends of the band,some of our good friends,didn’t even know we had a second album," adds Andy. 2004,by any band’s standards, was disastrous for Hundred Reasons. Following a two-year-long stint of touring,writing and recording,that ‘difficult’ second album was released in March to a largely acclaimed response. Then the trouble started. Following personnel changes at Sony, the label that eagerly snapped up the Surrey-based band and helped them develop the award-winning Ideas Above Our Station,the band found themselves virtually outcast.

"I dunno if we’d be in a different place right now had things worked out differently," muses Hibbit. "We’d certainly have been taking in America. We were offered two of the biggest support slots of the year,on the Incubus and New Found Glory US tours,but Sony turned them down on our behalf." How ironic it now seems that one port of call for the band,had they been allowed to travel with Incubus,would have been Madison Square Garden.

Instead,the band found themselves playing small venues "We knew we could fill." I try to avoid the fact that one such venue,the Cardiff Coal Exchange,was due to be the original

stage for tonight,only for poor ticket sales to warrant a move to the smaller Barfly. As if the point hadn’t been driven home enough,a flu-filled Colin Doran (the band’s vocalist) enters to dry his shirt and trousers on the tiny radiator. No frills here.

Talk drifts to 2005. "We’ve written about 15 songs," I’m informed. "It’s a lot less commercial. Why do bands still feel the need to fill an album full of singles? It’s more direct,more in your face." "Deep pop," jokes Gilmour,"Meaningful pop. Disco metal . . . disco core.”

As our talk comes to an end,plans for US domination can’t help but draw comparison to one Welsh act (who shall go unnamed),whose commercial-laden second album has won (and lost) many admirers. "They’ve done things a lot differently,in a way we would never want to. But it goes to show that if you keep doing stuff that everyone hates,eventually they’ll start to like it." If anything can be taken from 2004,it’s the message to not give up on what they believe in.

"We’re not gonna hurry this new record," stresses Hibbit. "We can afford,and certainly deserve,some time off."

Hundred Reasons: Guitarist Larry Hibbit (left),singer,Colin Doran

Superchargers Interview 11

Lock up your daughters (and everyone else), JulesThorpe-Smith talks to

Machine Head

Robb Flynn is not a happy man. Earlier today as Machine Head were sound checking in the Great Hall,he had his luggage stolen. What makes it worse are the items he’s had stolen. "They got my Fuct shirt man. They could have taken anything but that."

He then relates to me his struggle to find replacement luggage,and how he’d been mislead into thinking that everyone in Cardiff are as helpful as the shop assistants in the Capital arcade. "This guy was running around being really helpful,and then right at the end,he was like ‘You’re Robb Flynn aren’t you?’ I was a little disappointed."

Backstage,Machine Head are chilling out. They’ve just played a blinding gig and should be knackered,and probably pretty uncommunicative,but I find one member of the ‘Head’ family more than ready to talk.

Dave McClain is a genial and amiable man. Rock drummer Dave plays to type and challenges me to a drinking competition (which I duly lost). We talk about the band’s unlucky run

with their line up. Logan Mader’s departure seems to have been to do with drugs more than musical differences.” says band leader Robb Flynn. "He got really badly into pills,and he started to believe that he was ‘Machine Head’ by himself. We couldn’t have that,so we asked him to go."

How about Ahrue Luster,your most recently departed guitarist? "Towards the end of the Supercharger tour,it was pretty apparent that he didn’t really want to play heavy,heavy stuff. We’d go into songs like Davidian,and his heart wasn’t in it anymore. We were getting ready to start writing, and he wanted to go do a side project. To us,you’re either in the band or you’re not,and there’s nothing on the side. You do a side project and you’re going to be putting good material towards that. It’s not like you’re going to take all your shitty riffs and use them for your side project. We were basically funding his side project,so we told him he had to go."

After a few more beers (Christ,he can put them away. At the last count, he is seven for my four,and things

are getting a little slurred). I ask what everyone wants to know: What’s the new album going to sound like?

"It’ll still be,music wise,Me,Robb and Phil pretty much writing it. Adam and Robb,they write lyrics. It’ll probably be a little bit heavier. We’re not trying to write songs for the radio or anything. We can do whatever we want. We don’t have to worry about any of that stuff,having to fit to a four minute formula."

So your record company’s not pressuring you into doing anything? "They want us to record right now." But you’re not ready to do that yet?

"We’re still touring. We’ll probably start writing in the summer,that’s when we’re done touring."

Machine Head have no hint of ego about them. This felt more like hanging out with friends than an interview. Bassist Adam Duce shakes my hand and thanks me for supporting Machine Head,a personal touch which makes my smile. What other band would do that these days?

Machine Head (above): Heavy metal band? You wouldn’t know. Right: Lead singer Robb Flynn in Cardiff,“Call that a raspberry?”

New year = New you

For the past few years I have not made New Year’s resolutions.

Because they don’t work. A leopard is a leopard,no matter what his spots are like.

This year,I thought that I would make one. So my New Year’s resolution is to start making New Year’s resolutions (and start sticking to them,but that goes without saying really).

Now,having done that,I could have sat back until next year and made good use of my laurels. But that would be cheating. In for a penny,in for a pound; I decided to start straight away.

So here goes,my first serious,wellintentioned New year’s resolution is, wait for it,to Like People More. Ta-da! I feel it is best to do this scientifically. And for me that means lists. So,the people I don’t like are:

1. The man in the supermarket who sneers at me for being single when I buy a small tin of spaghetti hoops.

2. People who overtake me when I am running in the park.

3. Monosyllabic taxi drivers.

4. The girl on my course who keeps asking me how much of my essays I have done.

5. Russel Grant.

In order to Like Them More,I should find reasons to like them. Or at least find reasons not to dislike them:

1. The man in the supermarket may have an unfortunate facial disfigurement which makes his attempts at smiling appear as sneers. If so,he deserves my sympathy rather than my censure. Also,my dislike may stem from my spaghetti-hoop related insecurities.

2. I should think of people who overtake me as inspiration to better myself,physically.

3. I am a poor student. Therefore,I don’t tip taxi drivers. Therefore,I have no right to expect happy vibes from them.

4. I should think of the girl on my course as inspiration to better myself,mentally.

Since the beginning of the year I have been to the supermarket many times. If I am in a bad mood I just go in a different queue.

This is not really sticking to my resolution in the strictest sense,just a logical avoidance technique.

When I go running,I now try to keep up with other,faster runners. I am not sure if this development of my competitive instincts is entirely healthy.

A desire to win equals a desire for the other person to lose. This is not the same as Liking Them More.

Yesterday,I was pleasantly surprised when a taxi driver took the quickest route from the train station

5. No comment.Even though I am aware that it goes against all of my new good intentions,I am unable to reconcile myself with liking Russel Grant.

I do not admire the way he has taken the ancient and intricate study of inter-planetary relations and turned it into a meaningless column in a tabloid.

I know that The Grant is not the only culprit. But is it not healthier to pick the one that I find the most unpleasant and pin all my frustration on him,rather than harbour bad feelings for all “celebrity” astrologers?

to my house,avoiding all busy roads and traffic lights.

This made the journey £1.60 cheaper so I gave him a tip. I am hoping that this has earned me some good karma.

I have not had any lectures since the start of January and so I have not seen the girl on my course. I am trying not to hope that we are not taking the same modules next semester.

It seems I have not so much succeeded in keeping my resolution as avoided breaking it. I resolve to do better next year.

Be my friend

Are

celebrities really

Features 13

a better species?

Andrew Mickel tries to

his social life.

get an upgrade on

Itis a scientific fact that celebrities are better that you and me. Look around at your friends: bleurgh.

Reading Star Magazine,watching GMTV,eating cheap German food. Cat Deeley would consider such behaviour insane.

They sicken me,and I don’t even know them,thank God. No,New Year was clearly high time that a celebrity became My Friend.

My journey - or for evident punning needs,‘Star Trek’ - started in a pub called The Enterprise in Camden.

I have been a long-time listener of XFM and watcher of MTV,and anyone with eyes or ears,or both,knows the sheer comic genius of Alex Zane (yes, I’m aware this is pushing the definition of celebrity a bit,but you take what you can get).

The evening goes beautifully - five comedians and only about 30 people to share between them. Alex is,of course,hilarious. Westlife claimed that afternoon that he was a girl! He called Westlife cunts!

Then half way through his routine Al starts talking to me. He calls me nicelooking! He claims he isn’t hitting on me! God,it’s like all my dreams come true.

Anyway,come the interval all the other comedians have swarms of people all around them. Poor Alex is looking lonely. Actually,to be more precise, Alex IS LOOKING AT US.

It’s kind of weird; he has got no one else to talk to and keeps glancing over at our table. He clearly has a thoroughly incorrect appreciation of how to be a celebrity. To be honest,it’s kind of creepy.

Westlife: There were five in a bed, and the little one said...

Deeley: Hermaphrodite (allegedly)

So we go and talk to him to make him feel wanted. We have a chat,we have a laugh,I mock his inability to write and smoke at the same time, but more importantly,we swap e-mail addresses.

Wow-ee! I can’t help but feel that a new life beckons where I feature in Heat and fool around with two members of Girls Aloud. And probably David Walliams.

Well,no,of course,it doesn’t. I spend the next two weeks sitting in front of my computer,waiting.

Does Alex e-mail me back? Does he heck. In fact,I think it’s quite fair to say Alex is a bad person. Bad Alex.

Even more bafflingly,my friends are not forging ties with celebrities; they are BLANKING them.

One of my housemates is ignoring e-mails from an actor from Cabin Fever; my friend in Oxford isn’t returning Sean Astin’s phone calls; you don’t even want to know what Catherine Zeta-Jones has been up to.

Suddenly,celebrities aren’t better than us. They're really all a little bit dull. Pretty,but dull.

For now,I think I’ll just slum it with my friends. Sure,they’re uglier, less funny,haven’t ever done anything interesting; but they’re my friends,and in the end,doesn’t that mean something?

Well,obviously not. But it’s all I get for now. Bah.

Tinpot army Features

Could computers really rule the world? Henry Farrell and George Wilkinson investigate artificial intelligence

Once upon a time,billions of years ago,plants ruled the world. They did a good job. There was no war,no famine, no fundamentalist terrorism.

But,after a while,Mother Nature became understandably bored with plants and so began the reign of the dinosaurs. They had a good innings, but still Mother Nature was looking for something else,something special. So after a conveniently timed meteorite triggered the demise of the dinosaurs,a couple of shit eating monkeys stopped eating their own shit,picked up some sticks and started senselessly bludgeoning each other to death,signifying the human race’s turn to fight over,pollute and over populate the earth.

We have come a long way since then,but we always stuck to our principles. However,news like the hole in the ozone layer,fossil fuel supplies running out by 2030,religious extremists picking fights with everyone,and a new batch of incurable super-viruses available at your local hospital, casts a shadow over the future of our species. Which brings us to the questions - how long do we have left and whose turn is it next?

Astrophysicists believe the Sun could become a Red Giant in the next few million years,engulfing the earth, which pretty much means game over for the human race. But are we already signing our own death warrants as you read this article? Huge developments in technology are being made almost on a daily basis. Computers powerful enough to make

billions of calculations a second already exist; in fact,there is probably one sitting in your bedroom right now. One of the fastest growing industries on the planet is Artificial Intelligence. For those not familiar with the term, Artificial Intelligence is the science and engineering used to make intelligent machines or computer programs: programs that make decisions based on predetermined conditions. Far from being confined to simulating human responses,AI programs are used throughout society to make your everyday life quicker and easier.

Astrophysicists believe the Sun could become a Red Giant in the next few million years, engulfing the earth, which pretty much means game over for the human race.

AI computer programs are used to design planes,guide missiles,evaluate the safety of your car,or to analyse traffic flow data so AI can tell satellite-navigation which roads to avoid. Internet Search engines like Google and AltaVista are prime examples. From celebrity gossip to animal porn,search engines are used by millions of people everyday to find everything you could possibly imagine. Google has a back catalogue of four and a quarter billion web pages,but your bet your search results probably

come up instantly. Google can do this because,not only is it very powerful, but it has lots of intelligent minion programs called ‘bots’ which it sends out into the vast depths of the internet to explore and expand Google’s knowledge of the web.

So Google itself is a form of Artificial Intelligence that is always learning. But is it necessarily becoming more intelligent? Google is still only operating within the boundaries of its programming.

In the case of Artificial Intelligence, intelligence is the computational part of the ability to achieve a goal,but excludes the ability to think up its own goals. But could a powerful enough computer be programmed to create its own goals and alter its own programming? Could we ever create a computer that could be considered a threat? The computer would need to be able to understand and observe the world in huge detail. But even if the computer could observe and understand the world,would it require the awareness that humans arguably have; awareness of what we are doing,our own existence and the consequences of our actions?

The conventional argument against the feasibility of human type entities with the capacity of thought,is that humans think and feel. On the contrary,machines do not. Although highly advanced examples of AI could simulate,or even seem to exceed human intelligence,simulating and seeming are the most they could do.

Deep Blue,a chess playing computer,grappled convincingly with former world champion Gary Kasparov. But it could be argued that there was a gulf in thinking between the two players. Kasparov was mentally engaged in the game,aware of his aims and his desired outcome,and had a will to achieve it. Deep Blue,conversely,was merely running an extremely complex program. Kasparov’s performance could potentially be affected by an infinite number of factors but Deep Blue would perform the same moves in every situation in which the game was played. It seems that only humans (and maybe animals but that’s another debate),can possess ‘intelligence’.Artificial Intelligence can only be an illusion of the real thing.

But this logic raises the problem of what exactly constitutes intelligence, and where intelligence comes from. It can be defined as an awareness and free will. We have a hard to define consciousness that gives our thought processes an added dimension. Neuroscience shows that our thought processes are the result of electrochemical actions in the brain. Mental processes are electrical processes. Therefore,how can these processes be viewed as having ‘meaning’? What distinguishes them from the electrical process of a computer?

Traditionally,what distinguished humans from mechanics,was explained as the immortal God-given soul. We had the ability to ‘think’ as a result of divine attributes bestowed on

us by a benevolent deity. However,we are now living in an increasingly atheistic society. If religious explanations are written off,it seems impossible to explain the source of human intelligence without resorting to supernatural explanations. If we are to believe that there are no distinguishing factors between the human mind and a machine,the former must merely be an extremely complex manifestation of the same procedures found in a PC.

This theory radically alters the play-

I,Robot: Hear that? It’s the sound of Will Smith laughing all the way to the bank.

ing field

for AI prospects. Computers are now thinking beings of the same calibre and character as human beings. The binary distinction between ‘intelligence and ‘artificial intelligence’ is now removed. Instead,‘intelligence’ and ‘artificial intelligence’ are not opposed to each other; they are different points on a sliding scale.

Fictional depictions of AI in modern genres find the concept of robots indistinguishable from humans rather problematic. There is assumed conflict between AI and human beings as a

result of inherent and fundamental ‘moral’ and ‘social’ distinctions between the two. Authors such as Philip K Dick (Do androids dream of electric sheep,aka Blade Runner) and Isaac Asimov (I,Robot, now made into the film of the same title) have explored the moral implications (and ‘moral’ suggests the implications to humans) of A.I. in society. The idea that computers could be a huge threat is immediately present and has been documented in films such as Ghost in the shell, The Matrix,and the Terminator series. The crux of the issue in all of these films is what life could be like if an advanced form of Artificial Intelligence ever did turn against its creators. We are desperate to assure ourselves that,as humans, we are still the most socialised species to inhabit earth.

The foreseen conflict between AI and human society is most pertinent, the idea of the Doomsday Device, described in many cold war books as a computer designed to launch all its nuclear missiles at its targets without any human instruction,if a certain chain of events ever occurred. Although the chain of events may be unlikely,the technology is possible in reality. However,because of the very real possibility of computer error,computers are not trusted with the launch of nuclear weapons. As a safety precaution,two high-ranking officials have to turn keys simultaneously to allow the launch of nuclear warheads. Whether the high-ranking officials,as human beings,are infallible is another matter. Would you rather two trigger happy meatheads hand picked by Dubya have control of the bomb,or Windows 98?

Man Vs Machine: The historic moment when Gary Kasparov was beaten by Deep Blue

Fashion 17

Quench fashion

By Perri Lewis Fashion Editor

It’s easy to find an outfit on the highstreet. High-fashion,ready-made ensembles can be bought in an instant from the rails of Topshop. Unfortunately,however alluring their price tag may be,they will never look quite as good as mixing your favourite Primark bargain with a couple of quality,more expensive garments. With the help of our stunning models Danielle and Tim and our fantastic photographer Nick Parnell,Fashion Desk looks at the clothes Cardiff’s finest independent shops have to offer.

Above: shirt by Sirio Forni Ventura,from The Warbrobe; jeans by Diesel, from Chessmen; trainers,model’s own. from Chessmen; jeans,from Road; brown top,models own; skirt by Bowho. Below : black men’s slip-ons by Azor,from Buzz & Co. ; black satin diamonte mules by Anne Michelle,from Buzz & Co.

Pandas,monks and very spicy hot-pot: LauraTovey finds the city

to offer Eats, shoots and leaves

of

Chengdu has

a lot

Powerful paws tore at leafy bamboo that bent like paper under the grip,folding and diminishing as the panda’s jaws rhythmically closed around it. With practised boredom,MeiMei ripped the leaves from the stem,breakfasting not four metres away from where I stood looking down.

The best time to see the Giant Pandas is the early morning,when they are active – insofar as pandas are ever active. Accordingly,I stumbled from the hostel shortly after seven and arrived at the Chengdu Panda Research Base before 8am. Visitors are free to wander from one enclosure to the next through paths surrounded and overhung with stiff bamboo. The peace of the early morning gives an illusion of isolation as you enter the green tunnel to emerge blinking by the side of a lowwalled enclosure where the pandas nonchalantly continue their breakfast.

The sanctuary gave a different experience of pandas from any previous encounter in a zoo. They were so close,so numerous,and so natural,going about their routines in their outdoor enclosures with no concern for the gawking humans. They were smaller than anticipated,and their ‘white’ fur was creamy,fading to brown. In their leisurely movements there was something feline about the pandas – the Chinese name da xiongmao - ‘great bear-cat’ - now made sense.

In one enclosure,three young pandas were fed fruit by their keeper –two were active balls of fluff that scrambled and played,but one obviously considered itself above such childish antics,and slept,aloof,on a precariously thin pole. The full spectrum of panda life is contained in the reserve,from the eagerly awaited and scientifically assisted births to the desperately staved-off deaths. The visitor has a chance to see sedate adults and playful cubs,as well as small,rather dank cells where

potentially breeding females are kept.

On these females,hope for the pandas’ future is pinned: aside as giving sleepy tourists an intimate glimpse of these shy animals,the key role of the Chengdu Panda Research Base is to try and halt the decline of the species. With only around 1000 left in the wild – 80% of them in Sichuan province – Giant Pandas are one of the most endangered species in the world. One main reason for their dwindling numbers is the particularity of their diet,almost exclusively bamboo,which they consume in vast amounts to meet their nutritional needs. This choosy approach to food

does not combine well with human self-interest which has seen massive destruction of the pandas’ natural habitat,the bamboo forests of Sichuan and Shaanxi provinces in southwest China. As capital of Sichuan and one of China’s major cities,Chengdu is home to one of the largest and most famous of the region’s many nature reserves set up

“Tibetan tea,made with salt and yak butter,was like drinking warm sea water”

to protect the panda population. Despite these efforts and the attempts to curb illegal logging and poaching,the pandas’ future is uncertain. The Research Base aims to both inform the public and do all modern science can to save the species. Artificial insemination is routinely used and some scientists are investigating the possibility of cloning pandas but results are still in a future that the pandas may not have. The chance to see them in the close range offered by a visit to the base is not one to be postponed.

The early-morning encounter with the monochrome animals is not the only attraction Chengdu offers. It is a large and modern city with a much more relaxed feeling than the frenetic metropolis of Shanghai or the tourist-flooded Beijing. The spacious pedestrianised central area has its share of KFCs and Pizza Huts but there are many excellent restaurants serving the regional cuisine. Sichuan is famous for its fiery,spicy flavours that will bring a tear to the eye and sweat to the brow but fireworks to the tastebuds – no visit is complete without scorching your mouth on the fragrant yuanyang huoguo,the double flavoured hotpot

MeiMei was a massive Wyld Stallyns fan...

It’s not only delicious,but also the perfect opportunity to realise your ambition to become an entertaining dining companion and practise your dancing as you try to overcome the language barrier and convey your need for water without breathing smoke over the rest of the restaurant.

With excellent rail and flight links to the rest of China,Chengdu makes the perfect base to explore the beautiful and temperate southwest. It is easy to travel to the stunning lake at Jiuzhaigou,the world’s largest Buddha at Leshan or the verdant province of Yunnan. Lying on the border with Tibet,there are regular flights from Chengdu to Lhasa for those who like their altitudes high. In turn,Buddhist culture infiltrates the city,along with the ethnic customs of the minority groups that live in the province.

Staying through serendipity in a hostel in the heart of the city’s Tibetan quarter certainly added to the experience of the city. Wandering the streets of small shops selling

To find out more about the Chengdu Panda Research Base,check out: http://www1.china.org. cn:80/english/features/panda/37640.htm

Flights from Heathrow to Chengdu cost from around £450

butter,aptly described as ‘like drinking warm seawater’. Neither of us had much grasp of the other’s language but through signs,smiles,phrasebooks and half-correct phrases Kevin and I had an animated conversation, reaffirming the experience that communication is possible over all language barriers with enough perseverance. Like so many people in China he was endlessly welcoming and most

Travel 21

keenly impressed on us his desire to help all he could with anything we might need,diligently providing his mobile phone and email details.

Chengdu is flavoursome in so many ways: the food,the people and the beauty of the city will all set your trav-

Laura stayed at Chengdu Dreams International Hostel where dormitory beds cost from 25RMB (£1.60).Staff here can organise trips to the Panda Research Base,visas and flights toTibet and many other wwwtrips.See: .dreamstravel.com/youthhostel

Fresher than KFC

More tea,Kevin?

Young pandas: hope of the future

Asian Aftermath

Sarah Cummins investigates alternatives to donations such as sustainable tourism and volunteering

The devastating effects of the Asian Tsunami this Christmas have been a focus of the news for the last month. The extent of the British public’s response has been amazing,shadowed only by articles claiming our generosity is due in part to the fact that this disaster has affected the Western World in a way the issue of the poverty in Africa does not. Aside from donating money what can be done in the following years to support and help redevelop the devastated people and land? The answer lies in volunteering and sustainable tourism.

Just two weeks after the news of the Tsunami hit out television screens volunteer organisations were setting up special ‘relief holidays’ for those wanting to contribute something other than money in the aid efforts.

According to a spokesperson at volunteer travel specialist i-to-i the number of calls rose from 75 a day to 3000 following the disaster. As a result i-to-i introduced a community disaster relief project in the Moratuwa region of Sri Lanka. Volunteers pay £595 for two-week placements and

can get involved in building work,putting up tents and hygiene and healthcare. i-to-i also has placements in orphanages.

Other volunteer organisations offering programmes are Teaching & Projects Abroad,where a three-month placement as part of a building scheme in the Colochal area of India costs £1200,and Project Trusts is offering ‘gappers’ the chance to work at orphanages in Sri Lanka.

It is vital to remember that for many of the people and their land affected, tourism is and will be there only lifeline. As reported in the Guardian Thailand’s projected total loss of revenue in a year has been put at £546 million. In order to help rebuild the area we need to carry on visiting it.

In Thailand,the coral slowed the wave down and therefore protected the islands to a certain extent. However,it was severely damaged by the backwash after the wave had hit, bringing debris from the shore and destroying the corals. In time and with restoration projects the reefs will be back to their former glory and tourists will be allowed to enjoy the diving an

scenic beauty made famous by films like The Beach and Bridget Jones’s Diary

While insurance will pay out for damage caused for the overseas investors,local tourism enterprises will strugge to re-establish themselves.

Asian authorities are recognising the importance of sustainable tourism and the Tourism Authority of Thailand (TAT) has said that Phuket will be rebuilt with sustainable development in mind. Patong,Phuket’s best known beach,will be the first and will act as a model for future development in the Thai coastal tourism industry.

So,if you were thinking of visiting the affected areas this summer don’t dismiss the idea. Through organising our holidays independently,using local services and buying local produce we can ensure our money goes to those who really need it.

What the authorities are saying

Thailand

20km strip of beach along Khoa Lak,Patong and Kamala beach on Phuket and Phi Phi Island were hardest hit. The TAT stresses the situation is normal elsewhere.

Maldives

The Maldives High Commission say that only 19 of the 87 resorts are currently closed.

Aftermath of the Tsunami,Punaluu house

BLOC PARTY

Silent Alarm

Wichita

The music press have been salivating like fevered chimps over Bloc Party’s new wave credentials. On the basis of this,comestheir debut album; it won’t be long before we are all wiping the froth from our quivering lips.

Kele and the boys make music that slaps your ears,pummels your cranium,and still finds time to massage the tender heart. In a shockwave of proto-punk,mixing elements of Gang of Four at their most spiky,Bloc Party have taken the fragile but brilliant framework of Transmission-era Joy Division and infused it with a kaleidoscopic pop insurgence.

On Like Eating Glass, bass lines are doubled with synths,bleeps,and bongos in a heady mix that lurches and twitches before exploding in a fevered bubblegum haze. Tracks such as Positive Tension and This Modern Love harness Kele’s feverishly catchy vocals helping to elevate Bloc Party beyond the fashionista fraternisation of the current junkie brigade.

When Kele laments "I figured it out" on So Here We Are it conjures trickles of Jeff Buckley enchantment washing gently over traces of Led Zeppelin. This is the crystalline point in which the beauty of Bloc Party

resides. They are at once urgent and restrained,immediate and controlled. Listening to them is akin to playing hopscotch with all the best music that’s been bubbling under the surface for the last twenty years. It almost feels like this is the sound everything has been building towards ever since the dispiriting fall out from punk in the late 70’s.

“Here,at last,is the real thing.

Come the Spring watch them dance and soar”

Throughout,caustic intelligence is matched by vitriolic intensity. This is pop of the purest formation with a steely revolutionary edge. On Silent Alarm, Bloc Party have managed to retain everything that was joyfully addictive about them in the first place with a production that is all icy suburban sheen and radio-friendly layering.

The frantic pop freak out of Helicopter and the acidic lollipop pandemonium of Banquet signal why Bloc Party are the most audacious and exciting band since Franz Ferdinand spliced Television guitar crunches with

Roxy Music chic. Melody,harmony, and blitzkrieg urgency,turn and twist in and over each other,until bass lines are pulsing and guitar licks crunching.

This is an album of exceptional confidence. Think early Sex Pistols punk,cropped and renovated through a state sponsored pop-rock Daft Punk filter. Stacked with meaty wedges of unadulterated Blade Runner bombast and soft-tempered glacial beauty this is an album that creeps in under the radar before spreading its wings and gliding off on its own sublime electronic grooves.

While the slower paced Plan and Compliments do show an ambition not always matched by ability, Silent Alarm still resounds with a raucous quasiecclesiastical intensity. Following in the euphoric footsteps of The Killers, Bloc Party are destined to share more than just a NME awards slot with the Las Vegas pop preachers.

When Kele sings "Something glorious is about to happen" on Like Eating Glass you can’t help thinking he’s prophesising Bloc Party’s imminent rise. Here,at last,is the real thing. Come the spring,watch them dance and soar. 9/10

Craig Driver

T H E T I M E H A S C O M E . . .

THE CHEMICAL BROTHERS Push The Button Virgin

In their review of Push the Button, the NME pompously declared that dance music was dead,and with both Fatboy Slim and Prodigy’s latest albums receiving tepid reviews,the demise of dance innovators Orbital and disappearance of Underworld, the claim seems apt. The fifth offering from the Chemical’s contains none of the floor-shaking classics that define the dance duo,but we’re no longer in the twentieth century. Do we really want re-hashes of Hey Boy, Hey Girl? The Chemical Brothers have moved on,the previously loud,brassy club anthems are gone and replaced with an entirely more melodic feel. The single Galvanize,with its woozy Moroccan strings and hip-hop vocals from Q-Tip is one of the album’s high-

…AND YOU WILL KNOW US BY THE TRAIL OF DEAD

Worlds Apart

Polydor

The three year hiatus since Source Tags and Codes sees the Trail Of Dead return with their finest work to date. The anthemic title-track slanderously outs "MTV Cunts" while Caterwaul and The Best deliver instantaneously catchy riffs with the subtle tones of Classic Art Showcase and And the rest will follow exposing the superb musicianship and songwriting that underpins Trail of Dead’s very existence. An instant classic. 9/10

Sam Coare

LEMON JELLY ‘64 – ‘95

XL Recordings / Impotent Fury

Each tune is fleshed out from just one sample,given a date from whence it came,and listed in chronological order. 1964 – 1995,geddit?

Trainspotters may catch a sample from 1993’s fluffy house number Waterfall,Masters of Reality are there somewhere,as is R&B muppet Monica. It’s a diverse,joyous alchemical treat,and while you’re not always sure where it’s going,it’s a fun ride. The luscious packaging is their best yet,and there’s a DVD version available. Still not convinced? They also sample some guy called William Shatner. 8/10

James Anthony

lights. Hold Tight London is magnificent,starting with a house beat,then building in complexity with eerie electronic whirs and seductive female vocals. Bloc Party’s Kele Okereke provides the vocals for the punky Believe and The Boxer features Tim Burgess chanting over a contagious breakbeat and phsychadelic keyboard hook. Left Right features few Chemical Brothers sounds,with Anwar Superstar rapping with supposed conviction about war and “innocent blood streams”. Push the Button feels more like a collection of individual tracks,instead of hour-long monumental floor fillers that exemplified previous albums. The old formula was great but now it’s weary and the Chemical Brothers have picked up on change,and adapted. Dance music isn’t dead,it has simply evolved; and thank God for that. 6/10 Katie Brunt

GRUFF RHYS

Yr Atal Genhedlaeth

Placid Casual

Gruff Rhys takes a break from the day job,fronting the best band ever,to give us eleven songs of lo-fi loveliness. Delivered entirely in Welsh, Yr Atal’s lyrical content may be lost on the masses,however the shiny pop of songs such as Epynt is something that can’t fail to be appreciated by all. Even if you don’t know your ‘bore da’ from your ‘prynhawn da’ the fragility and beauty of these songs won’t be lost on you. 8/10

Jon Davies

FEEDER Pushing The Senses

Echo

When Feeder burst onto the scene in 1997,the question on everyone's lips was: 'Just how big can this band get?' Early albums provided hook-laden pop anthems like High and Insomnia. Soon,however,it seemed that Grant Nicholas and co. were becoming increasingly intent on watering down their goods to make a sale. Pushing The Senses might just top the charts, but songs like the sickly Tender and the mind-numbing dirge of Tumble and Fall make you wonder if a band can get too big,and leave you with only one question: 'How did Feeder become Mum's favourite band?'

3/10

Jadine Wringe

FEEDER:Pushing the Senses? More Like scraping the barrel

THE OTHERS

The Others

Infected

Having guerrilla gigged in a tree,on the Tube and in the reception at Radio 1,the spontaneity of The Others appears endless. I know,what about in a teapot,a chest of drawers or a meat shredder? Wouldn't it be a natural progression to do one in a wheely bin so someone could subsequently shoved it down a steep hill? Oh,but it’s no laughing matter,unlike their debut album,which is a barrel of gags. Bar, Lackey and Stan Bowles, laughably,it’s complete guff. 3/10 Greg Cochrane

MERCURY REV

The Secret Migration

V2

Mercury Rev have always had one foot in the coffin and the other in the heavens. With the release of The Secret Migration, Dave Fridman and his sparkly posse of ghouls and goblins have made an album that soars far into the morning sun. Rich in ornate detail and infused with a new found optimism standout tracks such as Vermillion and To the Climbing Rose remember with an earnest expression that love is the only true lasting happiness that really matters. Don’t confuse the beautiful psychedelic infatuation of love and its many complexities with the slushy sentimentality of many of their peers. This is the album Pink Floyd would have made if they weren't so inclined to apocalyptic melancholy and wistful stargazing. 8/10

Craig Driver

MIX MASTER MIKE

Bangzilla

Scratch Recordings/ Immortal Records

Famous for his work as the Beastie Boys’ in-house DJ,Mix Master Mike fails to establish himself as a solo act with Bangzilla. The sound is not as catchy and accessible and does not have the appeal to reach beyond the turntablist fan base. Many fans will appreciate the technical proficiency,but this is not an album with lasting appeal. Turntablism is a highly technical aspect of hip-hop and benefits from a great deal of variety. There are only so many sci-fi movie samples that can be used before overkill sets in. Mix Master Mike isn’t the sort of DJ that you would dance to if he was performing live and this isn’t the sort of CD that you’ll still be listening to in 6 month’s time. 6/10

Tom Scott

RILO KILEY

More Adventurous Brute/Beaute/Warner

It's always hardest to write about an album you love. Too much praise and it sounds hyperbolic,too little and your enthusiasm is dimmed. Let's just say that the normally conservative voices at Word magazine deemed Rilo Kiley,the best new band in the world.

More Adventurous is the Saddle Creek graduate's third offering,and while Jenny Lewis now dominates vocal proceedings,the songs are no worse for it. Lewis and guitarist Blake Sennett place brilliant pop music under narratives of cheating men and accidental deaths to produce an album that is as moving as it can be fun. 9/10

Will Dean

ATHLETE Tourist

Parlophone

This album could have gone either way for the mockney funksters following the rapturous success of Vehicles and Animals. Tourist is an accomplished offering,revealing a maturity and depth that was lacking on their debut,with more dark and intriguing guitar effects and thankfully less irritating electronica which plagued Vehicle and Animals Wires is simply masterful,blending a haunting orchestral melody with nonchalant yet overwhelmingly beautiful vocals,and the affection-fuelled tracks of Half Light and title track Tourist are irresistible. 8/10

James Woodroof

29 Albums

FABRIC LIVE 20

Joe Ransom Fabric

Dizzee Rascal,Dynamite,Rodney P and Zinc stand out as the best tracks on this 20th Fabric Live compilation. Joe Ransom was brought up in Somerset,and moved to London to study,where he got involved in the Break scene,playing at Fabric Live and supporting dance luminaries such as Basement Jaxx and Plump DJ's. This compilation showcases a good mix of new Hip-hop,Breaks,Dancehall Pop and Asian Underground. The mixing's a bit non-descript,but relatively seamless. 7/10

John Williams

ROOTS MANUVA Awfully Deep

Big Dada

Hip-hop artists with something to say often find their message diminished by an underperforming aspect of their sound. In Roots Manuva’s case,his tight production has often been let down by his stilted flow and a tendency to drone on at times. With Awfully Deep,he has cleared up this problem with a renewed sense of power within his verses. Manuva sounds like a man who has had a moment of clarity and now has a lot of issues to resolve. The result is an album that is both impassioned and tender. This album may not hit you the first time, but it is a definite grower. 8/10

Tom Scott

THE OTHERS: Spot the Cure fan

ROOTS MANUVA: Rodney,you plonker

Albums 30

THE KILLS

No Wow

Domino

The Kills’ girl/boy mix of New Order electronica with PJ Harvey rock ethos worked wonders on their debut LP Keep On Your Mean Side. This frothy follow up is more spiky and gloriously thunderous. The vocals are still woefully short of consequence but the wall of blitzkrieg thunder generated by the duo still kicks and shudders. Tracks such as No Wow and Murdermile mix gutter soaked guitar licks with feminine shrapnel sass to devastating effect. Think PJ Harvey without the grace but more back alley degradation. 7/10

Craig Driver

CHINGY

Powerballin'

Capitol records

The work of up and coming hip-hop star Chingy can be described in one word: 'blinging'. Hot ladies and spending money are the top priorities of this wannabe gangster. Smooth slow songs mixed with fun upbeat tunes create the perfect party album. Make That Ass Talk and Balla Baby are catchy and great to dance to. Chingy's energetic second album features fab collaborations with the likes of Janet Jackson and R Kelly. Listen to whilst cruising in your pimpmobile! 7/10

Natalia Kekic

JOHN FRUSCIANTE

Curtains

Record Collection

Curtains is the fragile final instalment of Chilli's minstrel John Frusciante's forridge into the solo wilderness,and ironically his best. Dylanesque chimes and childlike rhymes smother Frusciante's trademark strumming. Rivalling

LCD SOUNDSYSTEM

LCD

Soundsystem

DFA

Since the release of 2003‘s Losing My Edge,a tale of an aging hipster

THE GA GA'S

Tonight the Midway Shines

Sanctuary

Not meaning to be disrespectable to the Ga Ga's but this record has elements of early Nickleback material about it (yuk). This album is explosive, riff-adulterated rock,made to fill and dominate stadiums all over the world. It's got the emotion,it's got the crunching guitars and with tracks such as opener 'Sex' and then 'Replica' you wouldn't be criticised if you just felt like growing your hair, working up a sweat,picking up a guitar and joining in. 7/10

Will Schmit

LOW

The Great Destroyer

Rough Trade

On this their eighth album Low have finally begun to assimilate a commercial viability to their inherent icy glow. Thanks to the mesmeric work of Flaming Lips producer Dave Fridman Low seem to at last been given the freedom to channel their understated aggression and low-fi kudos into a formula that sprinkles fairy dust over the trickling melancholy. Gentle vocals slip in and outof aching strings and dirge like piano solos sweetly swarm amongst the folk ridden harmonies. The lingering sense that this all ultimately means nothing still remains but at least this time they seem to be popping skittles rather than prozac. 7/10

clinging on too his last ounce of cool, James Murphy has had everyone from dance fans to tweed jacket wearing scenesters salivating in prospect of this album. The über-funk of Daft Punk Is Playing At My House opens the album,a song so damn catchy it’ll make your grandma wanna body pop. Whilst this is the best song here,Murphy manages to avoid the trap so many bands fall into by producing an album of inferior sounda-likes. The influences are obvious; you can here The Beatles at their dreamiest on Never As Tired As When I’m Waking Up and Murphy’s drawl echoes Mark. E. Smith on every song. However,like all great bands it’s delivered in a way that’s as fresh as a daisy. For once style does equal substance. 8/10

Jon Davies

JIMMY CHAMBERLAIN COMPLEX

Life Begins Again Sanctuary

Like ex-Pumpkins Corgan and Auf Der maur,Chamberlain has got by with a little help from his friends. Calling upon Pumpkin and Zwan contributors, the Complex is a largely instrumental journey through one mans musical influence. Corgan features fleetingly on guitar and vocals,dropping his crap poetry long enough to round a delicate album off sublimely. 8/10

Sam Coare

THE RESIDENTS

The Commercial Album Mute Records

This album contains everything that is commercial and mainstream about popular music,well in the eyes of the Residents anyway. These are the Residents' 'more commercial' songs, all crammed into forty,one minute bursts. Listen to it as a concept and you can't help but admire the Residents attempt to stick two fingers up at commercial music. 6/10

Will Schmit

CraigDriver

FABRIC20

John Digweed Fabric

Being the anorak-wearing indie kid that I am,I normally have to be pilled up to my eyeballs in order to enjoy to music like this. Sadly,I wasn't,so it sounded like electro twaddle to me. Perhaps I'm not sufficiently qualifiedso I asked a dance enthusiast friend to review this for me. He said 'Yeahbanging!'. Which I'm assuming is a good thing. 7/10

Reshma Patel

JOHN FRUSCIANTE: Make yourself comfy mate.

IDLEWILD

Love Steals Us From Loneliness

Parlophone

Considering Idlewild have had a dramatic change in line-up recently,it’s good to hear they’re still on top form. This,the first single from their upcoming new fifth album,is Idlewild at their most introspective and beautiful. It may take a few listens before you’re hooked,but Roddy’s voice,simultaneously plaintive and uplifting,is as addictive as ever. 8/10

Sarah Dobbs

THE FUTUREHEADS

Hounds of Love

679 Recordings

Ok,so this may be a cover. Then again it's the Futureheads. It's not their best song,but it really is impossible not to become addicted to their jerky,head twitching sound and distinct,echoing vocals. 8/10

Will Schmit

RUFUS WAINWRIGHT

The One You Love Dreamworks

Sinister pop this. Eerie vocals (including a lady wailing),swampy keys and chug-twang guitars are all offset by a rather beautiful chorus. Can't make out a word Rufus is saying,mind. 8/10 Colm Loughlin

MARTINI HENRY RIFLES (CULPRIT ONE REMIXES)

Slash the Seats

My Kung Fu

What happens when Cardiff’s electro wonder-kid gets his hands on the, already grimy,sonic assault of the

Martini’s Slash the Seats? This joyful racket brings punk attitude to the dance floor in a way that the Prodigy can only dream of these days.8/10

Jon Davies

HANSON

Penny and Me

3CG Records

Brace yourselves - Hanson are back! They've had haircuts and everything! I’m not going to comment on the grammatical crimes commited in the title of this song. Nor am I going to be all kitsch and ironic in actually liking it. Stay well away. 3/10

Reshma Patel

THE THRILLS

The Irish Keep Gate-crashing

Virgin

This single brings us another catchy tune with endlessly repetitive,extended chorus-like lyrics repeated with mindblowing inevitability. Seriously, you can sing along with this song the first time you hear it. The single comes with an instrumental versionwhich,after several listens proves more enjoyable,showing just how much the lyrics add to the song. 4/10 Mark Kelly

CHARLOTTE HATHERLY Bastardo Double Dragon

You have to envy Edgar Wright. Director of the all conquering Shawn of the Dead and the brilliant Spaced, he also gets to wake up every morning next to the über-talented Charlotte 'Jon Davies has my number' Hatherly. She sounds like Debbie Harry too. Super. 8/10

31 Singles

KAISER CHIEFS Oh My God Infected

Now the Christmas turkey's been binned,the kiddies have realised Santa's just another bearded alcoholic and everyone's finally got the Franz album (late comers) it’s the turn of Leeds gang Kaiser Chiefs to become the this years most important thing in your life. Shove over and make room. 8/10 Greg Cochrane

TOWERS OF LONDON On A Noose 1234 Records

More blind-sighted punk for you. Just as Westlife were condemned for relying on Rat-Pack material,pronounced safe for the general public by church fetes many a moon ago, Towers of London,stumbling around like Iggy and 'challenging the establishment' fail to recognise that the punk that they are trying to emulate deteriorated three decades ago. 4/10

Samuel Strang

HATHERLY: Hail Queen Charlotte

THE USED Take It Away Reprise Records

Another emotion- and anger-fuelled, fist-pumping anthem from the band. Listening to this and not finding it catchy will be like going out on freshers’ week and not catching a cold: unlikely. Put this on when you're pissed off. 8/10

Will Schmit

o n i c

l i e f

TSUNAMIRELIEF

Millenium Stadium

Saturday 22nd January

As the 60,000 strong crowd filtered from the Millenium Stadium into the Cardiff snow,event organiser Paul Sergeant informed gathering journalists that despite the rushed organisation,limited sleep and continuing fears over the events bill,Tsunami Relief was "worth every second".

Following the tragic events on Boxing Day,Sergeant immediately set about "mulling over the logistics of an event parallel to the achievements of Live Aid. Strenuous discussions ensued,hampered by the complete shutdown of the industry over the Festive period. With 11th hour confirmations received,the event sold out within three days of its announcement.

Welsh act Camera opened proceedings,with Katherine Jenkins continuing the local trend ,excelling on the poignant rendition of You’ll Never Walk Alone. Camera and Jenkins were joined on the day by fellow Welsh acts

Charlotte Church,Aled Jones and Kelly Jones (minus whoever he hasn’t fired from the ‘Phonics).

Fresh from their appearance in Solus, Keane took to the stage as the first notable charting act of the day,receiving rapturous applause for crowd favourites Everybody’s Changing and Somewhere

Only We Know. MOBO winner Raghav diversified a largely radio-rock lineup, although Lemar would have been better leaving his cover of I Believe In A Thing Called Love to the privacy of his dress-

ing room,a place Craig David should have stayed in,full stop. By contrast,Snow Patrol were gods among men. Their universally appreciated mix of upbeat sentimentality provided many of the days highlights; recent singles Run and Chocolate had the crowd united in voice. Lightbody’s look of amazement and appreciation summed up how far the band had come,whilst sending out a reminder of the day’s effort.

The GLC restored a level of optimism following the heavy emotional bashing we took during the afternoon,but as evident in their short set,the novelty is fading. Fast. The sombre mood returned in the shape of the depressing,yet musically sublime Badly Drawn Boy,with Embrace proving early retirement should have been the best option. Brian

McFadden was so unmemorable his set went without attention,while Feeder exhibited disappointing new material from Pushing the Senses. Lulu’s shout, meanwhile,confirmed its timeless existence,proving one of the few moments the mixed audience jointly appreciated. For many,the day had been about two acts. The ‘homecoming’ of the Manic Street Preachers,returning to the stadium for the first time since their Millenium-eve bash had loomed over the days proceedings,and whilst a number of acts were still to follow,you couldn’t help but feel their set was taking the shape of a headline act. Predictably,renditions of Motorcycle Emptiness, A Design For Life and If You Tolerate This were immaculate,the only surprise of the set being that of Nicky Wire’s near silence. Maybe actions do speak louder

than words.

The evenings actual headliners,a duet from two of the most talented men in music,did not dissapoint. Jools

Holland took to the stage with his Rythm and Blues Orchestra,providing a tantalising warmup to one of,if not the finest,guitarist of his generation. Frankly,Clapton embarrased todays mediocre standard of guitar playing,and many that flood the stage for the clsoing fianle of Shake Rattle And Roll could do worse than take some notes. The disappointing omissions of Layla and,more suprinsgly, Tears In Heaven (soon to be rerecorded by an all-star lineup in benefit of the disaster) were lost under a colossal movin’ and a shakin’ blues jive. The evening ended as we had started; a

jubilant message from Sergeant,informing the crowd that the days target,which had been in doubt throughout the day,had been smashed; the event alone generating in excess of £1.25 million.

Dwarfed by comparison to Live Aid, it’s easy to forge the speed at which such an event was constructed. A sometimes light-weight lineup prevailed,but afterall,weren’t we all here for a reason?

Sam Coare

Photos: James Perou

VELVET REVOLVER/THE DATSUNS

Cardiff International Arena

Wednesday 19th January

What a difference a decent support makes. The rapturous applause The Datsuns demanded rivaled that of any top headliner,and on any other night, their simple yet effective dirty rock n’ roll may well have upstaged any band. But not tonight. With the cracks in the Contraband wall covered over by a sheer ability to entertain,this was close to complete perfection.

Weiland’s Johhny Rotten-esque strut and snarl riled the audience,backed by a band who’s respective names make up large parts of the ‘who’s who’ of modern rock. Throw in the token nods to their pasts exploits (an odd move for a band claiming to be desperate to shake off the tag of GnR2) and the explosive results should propel the band to be the most dangerous in the world. Sam Coare

BLINK 182/SUGARCULT

Cardiff International Arena

Tuesday 7th December

Blown up condoms floated around the packed arena (ironic considering this audience are too young to have need of them) as support band Sugarcult subjected us to some of their arrogant pop punk,charismatic as they may be telling your audience to "fuck off" just doesn't earn you points. Then it was the main act Blink 182 who presented the audience with an uneven performance,opening with songs which vaguely sounded like theirs but were

played so fast and muffled it was hard to tell, Feeling It became indistinguishable as did most of Enema Of The State which they performed in montage for some reason.

They seemed to be bored with many old favourites zooming through them like they were half awake,but liked to relish in others,and when they did with Stay Together For The Kids and newer songs such as Violence they sounded tight and like a real band rather then two comedians and a musician. Travis is clearly the strongest element,and when he rose out of a platform in the middle of the arena to do a drum solo you realise how much he holds blink together,although he was a bit of fast blur. They alternated between charming,catchy and bored,overall giving me a headache which may also have been due to the epileptic inducing lighting. Ellen Waddell

THE USED/ YOURCODENAMEIS: MILO

The Great Hall

Sunday 22nd January

Following the snow-age of the previous evening,Sunday was frickin' freezing, but it could totally not hide my excitement about finally seeing The Used. Considering Head Automatica pulled out as support for the tour,the crowd seemed rather content to have YCNI:M take their place,I have no idea why. Milo were okay,a bit samey,not particularly distinctive from much of the other stuff out there. The lead singer had presence,not really due to his voice or charisma,but due more to

the fact that he was jumping up and down like a hamster being prodded with a taser-blaster. The Used eventually opened with Take It Away and Listening which was an excellent start to rock the joint. Most of the songs from the gig hailed from their second album In Love and Death which I considered a bit over-produced,but maybe that is because I can't stand skits and irritating verbal intros to songs. Which were all included in the performance no doubt. Grr. Notoriously obnoxious lead singer,Bert McCracken,had an odd sense of humour,his claim to fame at the gig being 489 orgasms in one day. I so want to know if that is true. Spending too much time in the Osbourne family home perhaps?

The band finished with two of my favourites from their self titled debut, Bulimic and Maybe Memories which were an awesome way to end their last UK gig. Lets hope they come back. McCracken's excessive excessiveness and a tough 12 months behind him will inevitably lead to more writing material. Nick Thakkar

Kasabian

Great Hall

Look up date

The way I see it there are currently two schools of thought on Kasabian. The first see them as simply some RosesPrimal Scream-Baggy retro copycats who aren’t even from Manchester even though they think they are and who have merely lucked out due to the fact there’s a distinct lack of any ‘proper fookin bands ya know,for the lads’. And then second group who think their the greatest thing to happen to British music since Oasis.

Being the open-minded music fan that I am,I see myself in between the two. Whilst Kasabian’s influences are obviously evident in their music,the prominent bass lines of the Stone Roses pop up frequently; the standard of tunes they have released so far in their career is pretty high. Ok so some of the lyrics leave a lot to be desired,I can’t help but cringe at the “John was a scientist he was hooked on L.S.D…” line in Club Foot.

f Kasabian are one trick ponies then they will be rightly exposed soon enough,but don’t be too quick to dismiss them after all have you ever heard Primal Screams first album?

Photos: James Woodroof

KEANE Solus

Thursday 20th January

Keane playing at lunchtime in Solus is a bit odd. Their universally appealing piano ballads have won over Glastonbury and more recently,the Millennium Stadium,yet these songs about love,loss and insecurity seem more appropriate in an intimate venue like this.Tom Chaplin genuinely pours his heart into every softly sung word making heartstrings break left,right and centre. Bedshaped marks the end of this cosy set,before Keane embark upon their jaunt to break America,which will surely make performances like this a thing of the past.

James Woodroof.

MANIC STREET PREACHERS/ THE DEPARTURE

Cardiff International Arena

Tuesday 11th January

Postponed since December due to the Bradfield flu,to some this gig means everything. Bickering begins as Razorlight can’t reschedule their support. Queues are forming to leave before the Manics have even begun. The Departure are rushed in to heal the wounds that Razorlight’s absence has created. Their performance immediately get heads bouncing and groupies begging,and despite their name,no one was leaving. The Manics are 35 and beginning to seem sophisticated,the white equipment matching their black attire: Wire is the

only reflection of their unforgettable past in leopardprint coat and full eye makeup. They grace the stage with a stunning rendition of If You Tolerate This followed by an explosion of sonic growling in the shape of masterpiece Faster. Their release separated by 5 years,only in a live environment can the Manics carry it off. Motown Junk, saved only for Cardiff on this tour, brings Nick centre stage screeching the final chorus into the mic with ultimate pride while Lifeblood tracks Empty Souls and Cardiff Afterlife are a poignant show of affection for their past and for Richey. There is a buzz at the front tonight,the beglittered front rows are knocked sideways by the note perfect playback of a fistful of Holy Bible songs; Die in the Summertime, This is Yesterday and Yes, which create enough fire to blow up the NME building. The Manics don’t do their greatest hits live,they just do their best of. Nathalie Southall

HUNDRED REASONS

Cardiff Barfly

Thursday 25th November

All the ingredients were here for one hell of a show. A hot,sweaty and (reportedly) oversold Barfly waited with baited breath. Tonight went a long way to proving that whilst a record company can fuck you over,there’s no keeping a good man (or band) down. Renditions of Find You tested the vocal chords of the audience,often carrying a flu-filled Doran’s vocals through sticky patches. Given a new record label, this band will return to the top of British music,and rightfully so. A proverbial kick in the balls for the idiots at Sony.

MACHINE HEAD

The Great Hall

Saturday 4th December

Having returned to their old school roots on Ashes of Empires Head come to Cardiff to what can only be described as a heroes welcome. The Great Hall is packed to the rafters to see a live act with a reputation that could best be described as breathless.

‘Head fans have to wait for God

Forbid

to finish first,and you could do worse with an opening act like them. They display ferocity and power akin to Chimaira,but after three songs begin to sound a little samey,with no vocal or musical variation that really stands out. Unlike Chimaira,they aren’t as good. Still,it has whetted the Great Hall’s appetite for something heavy, and Machine Head do not disappoint. In total darkness,the muted strains of Imperium filter through to the crowd,and even in the darkness we can see the various members of the head family setting up. Robb Flynn’s chest bursting scream of "HEAR ME NOW!!" sends the great hall insane. Machine Head proceed to play just over an hours set of incredible music spanning a five album career,and manage to make songs from Supercharger sound vital and aggressive despite the albums general weakness. They come back for an encore, playing a succession of covers including Metallica’s Seek and Destroy and Pantera’s Cowboys from Hell. And as L i v e 35

Photo: Adam Gasson

KEANE:Known for their crazy gigs

HIDING WITH GIRLS / HONDO MACLEAN

Barfly

Tuesday 11 January

Ignoring the fact that emo is for middle-class children who are pissed off because they have nothing to be pissed off about,Hiding With Girls probably sound great on their album. They have widdly pedals to make their guitars sound ‘grindy’ and the frontman can sing and scream,gripping the microphone like a true emoboy.

Couldn’t hear a word he was screaming,but I’m sure it was along the lines of "Goddamn it my life’s just so comfortable / But I pissed off my dad with my on-the-side lip ring." Favourite part of the night was when he asked,"Who’s got the album then?" to dead silence.

Hondo’s set is fluent,energetic,and they’re clearly enjoying themselves. They have been compared to Slayer, but this is unfair (to Slayer) since Hondo sound nothing like them. At times the set seems to lose its sense of urgency; from a band that has just come off tour with the ‘Prophets,this is inexcusable.The set was bounding along with gusto when something spoiled it. The singer spat on the audience. This is utterly disrespectful to people who have paid to come and see you,it is potentially dangerous and was probably cool for about five minutes before people realised you can catch hepatitis. This was a 14+ gig,and if he wants to spit on irritating emo-children in T-shirts with scarfs and floppy hair, he should bloody well pay for the privilege like everyone else.

James Anthony

STEREOPHONICS

The Point

Thursday 27th January

Just about 300 competition winners are packed into the Point desperate to catch a showcase of the Phonics next 'new' sound from their fifth album, Language, Sex,Violence, Other?. It's also the first chance most fans have got to hear Argentinean drummer Javier Weyler, and the signs are great for

fans that had not enjoyed some of their newer material. Tonight the Stereophonics are back as a threepiece again for the first time in a while,leaving no room on stage for a keyboard or an acoustic guitar. Tonight the‘Phonics are back and they are going to rock harder than a boat in a storm.

They are pretty much flawless,with their set being composed mainly of songs from their early albums and their new one,giving those fans going there expecting a showcase of their new album a pleasant surprise. Old favourites such as Local Boy in the Photograph and Bartender and the Thief go down a treat and new single Dakota was reacted to like a classic anthem of old.

New songs Devil, Superman and Doorman sound like they could,finally, make a new Stereophonics album that's worth it's hype!

Will Schmit

IDLEWILD

St Georges,Bristol

Tuesday 18th January

Having been absent from the music scene since 2002’s The Remote Part, Idlewild have chosen to make their comeback with a handful of low key acoustic gigs. The venue,usually reserved for classical concerts,provides an intimate setting for the event. However it does feel especially strange watching a band such as Idlewild, whose gigs are usually awash with drunk crowd surfing students,in an all seating,candle lit concert hall. At first it’s hard to imagine how many of their songs would translate acoustically,a feeling which is soon removed as soon as set opener "When I argue I see shapes" begins. The set not only gave the audience a chance to hear low key versions of older tracks but we were also treated with songs from forthcoming album Warnings/Promises.

This was also the first opportunity to see the new line up of the band,follow-

STEREOPHONICS: In possible good album shocker

erstwhile bassist Bob Fairfoull.

It may have been the calming influence of the surroundings but frontman Roddy Woomble seemed a shadow of his usual introverted self seeming relaxed and chatty.

An enchanting evening which proved that although they might be getting slightly calmer with age,Idlewild are still as special as ever.

Jon Davies

THE DARKNESS,ASH CIA

Monday 6th December

The Darkness once again in this gig proved that they truly are totally over the top. In a show which had more pyrotechnics than all the fireworks let off in Cardiff around November the fifth. Anyone within 10 meters of the front was in serious danger of loosing their eyebrows from the 10ft flame throwers on the front of the stage. Justin Hawkins again entertained the crowd with his comedic ways,displaying his newly acquired piano skills and ending the night riding a white tiger over the crowd. Playing a mixture of the old favorites and a selection of their new material,which all appeared to be of a power ballad nature,the Darkness had the CIA bouncing with an ecstatic mixed crowd of all ages.

Ash provided a great set with a mixture of tracks off all their albums. I dare say that many who were there that night will forever have the image of Charlotte Hatherly in knee high leather boots. Ash set the high standard for the Darkness to follow.

Elgan Iowerth

IDLEWILD: Now is not the time to catch up on your reading Roddy

5 DONNIE DARKO (2001)

Dir. Richard Kelly

Film 39

Claustrophobic and darkly comic this tale of a disillusioned prophetic youngster and his imaginary rabbit is always abstract but never less than brilliant. One of the most surreal and beautiful films of the last decade.

IF YOU LIKE THIS SEE....Heathers (1989),Y tu Mamá También (2001)

DID YOU KNOW: Jake Gyllenhal was only given the part of Donnie after Jason Schwartzman of Rushmore fame dropped out.

4 ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND (2004)

Dir: Michael Gondry

From the frazzled pen of Charlie Kauffman comes a gloriously aimless romantic comedy. Joel has his memeory wiped clean after finding that his ex-girlfriend has had the same procedure done. A beautiful and intoxicating meditation on the trouble with love and its many twists and turns.

IF YOU LIKE THIS SEE...Being John Malkovich (1999),In The Mood for Love (2000)

DID YOU KNOW: The title is quoted from the poem Eloisa to Abelard by Alexander Pope (1688-1744). This poem was used in Charlie Kaufman's earlier project Being John Malkovich (1999).

3 LABYRINTH (1986)

Dir: Jim Henson

George Lucs and Jim Henson come together in this puppet fantasy. While a bit of an obvious student “ooh aren’t I so retro” choice the undeniable attraction of David Bowie as the Goblin King wins through in the end. The visuals are stunning throughout. A timeless classic. Just beware of the neverending maze.

IF YOU LIKE THIS SEE...The Dark Crystal (1982),The NeverEnding Story (1984)

DID YOU KNOW: Monty Python member Terry Jones wrote one early version of the script. Little of his material was retained beyond the point where Sarah eats the poisoned peach.

2 LOST IN TRANSLATION (2003)

Dir: Sofia Coppola

Sofia Coppola’s melodic comedy is a svelte and sumptuous meander through loneliness,friendship,love,and identity. Scarlett Johansson is unlikely to better her perfromance as Charlotte. All pout and restraint she’s the sexiest starlett this decade. While Bill Murray gives his best performance sine Groundhog Day. Breathtakingly heartfelt and utterly stunning. IF YOU LIKE THIS SEE...Chungking Express (1994),The Virgin Suicides (1999)

DID YOU KNOW: The inspiration for having Bob do a Suntory whiskey commercial was partially inspired by the fact that Sofia Coppola's father,Francis Ford Coppola,made a real Suntory commercial with Akira Kurosawa in the 1970s.

1 THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION (1994)

Dir: Frank Darabont

Criminally ignored on its release this adaptation of a Stephen King short story has since gone onto worldwide acclaim. The story of Andy Dufresne,wrongly imprisoned,and his fight for his freedom is not only touching but also brutal and sincere. It is your number one film of all time. IF YOU LIKE THIS SEE...The Green Mile (1999),Million Dollar Baby (2005)

DID YOU KNOW: The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals monitored the filming of scenes involving Brooks' crow. During the scene where he fed it a maggot,the ASPCA objected on the grounds that it was cruel to the maggot,and required that they use a maggot that had died from natural causes. One was found,and the scene was filmed.

MEET THE FOCKERS

Dir: Jay Roach

Cast: Robert De Niro,Dustin Hoffman,Ben Stiller,Barbara Streisand

De Niro? Hoffman? Time was when this would’ve been a good film. Not anymore. De Niro is a gurning shadow of his former self. The once seething fury as art has been diluted into the grumpy, repressed old man.

He plays Jack Byrnes,a paranoid ex CIA man who doesn’t like his daughter’s fiancé - Gaylord Focker (sounds like fucker,geddit?). Jack and his wife Dina,in preparation for the wedding,have to meet the Fockers clan.

The Fockers are liberated,randy free-spirits (the Hollywood idea that not being uptight means being an awful hippy is just silly). Hoffman plays Bernie. It’s sad to see him aimlessly amble through,stuttering unfunny lines,looking old and really short.

The comedy centres on the Focker/Byrnes lifestyle clash and the inevitable embarrassment this causes Gaylord and his wife to be. In the fine tradition of frothy moronic comedy anything as boring as ‘opinion’ is swept under the carpet in favour of tedious,endless oh so hilarious misunderstandings.

The best thing about the film remains Ben Stiller. Fumbling around for elaborate excuses he seems perfectly suited to getting things wrong. There’s an amusing sequence where, through Stiller’s incompetence,a baby ends up glued to a big bottle of Rum watching Scarface. Ultimately though it’s not enough; the film mis-fires far too many times,all too often relying on left-over gags from the first instalment.

The film’s perfectly easy to watch. It’s short and there’s a happy ending where everybody ends up a better per-

son. It’s just depressing that for De Niro and Hoffman,both once that little bit dangerous,it’s come to this.

Colm

Loughlin

A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT

Dir: Jean-Pierre Jeunet Cast: Audrey Tatou,Gaspard Ulliel

The director and star of Amélie, Jean-Pierre Jeunet and the beautiful Audrey Tautou,are reunited in this First World War Romance.

The film tells the story of Mathilde’s (Tautou) enduring quest to find her childhood sweetheart,who has been lost,presumed dead,in the trenches of the First World War. Peppered with the same introverted, frank and simplistic essence-of-life observations that made Amelie so popular,Jeunet again presents his unique and enchanting French Romanticism.

This time,however,it is weaved through a darker depiction of humanity.Superb cinematography sees the trench scenes rival Saving Private Ryan for harrowing realism. The plot is typical of Jeunet,well-paced picking up characters and events that by chance fit together in the end in a fairytale sort of way. Each sub-plot is constructed through stylish cinematography and an air of 1920’s

sophistication,and one of them involves a vengeful prostitute killer played by Marion Cotillard.

Not as great a film as Amélie, A Very Long Engagement contains all the best elements of a good war film combined with life-affirming nonclichéd romance.

John Williams

RAY

Dir: Taylor Hackford

Cast: Jamie Foxx,Kerry Washington Clifton Powell

With the recent death of Ray Charles this bio-pic acts as a fitting if at times introspective cinematic eulogy of the great man.

Focusing primarily on Charles’ formative years as a youngster and eventual soul sensation Hackford’s direction is both harrowing and inspirational. Charles’ heroin addiction and continual infidelity is placed centre stage and used to deftly highlight the inspiration behind the music.

It is Jamie Foxx though in the lead who lifts the film from TV stylised mediocrity to probable Oscar contender. So reserved in Collateral Foxx here is assured and dangerously close to perfection. From the physical mannerisms to the musical dynamism,Foxx inhabits the inner turmoil and genius of Charles to eery effect.

While the film does fail to take into account the political and racial upheaval of the times this still remains a detailed and fitting tribute to a true musical whirlwind.

Craig Driver

Streisand punishes De Niro for another crappy career decision

Audrey Tatou + Jeunet = extended Stella Artois advert

THE GOOD READING GUIDE THE NIGHT COUNTRY

Stewart O’Nan Bloomsbury

At first glance,you could be forgiven for the assumption that this is just another teenage horror story.

Set on Halloween,the anniversary of a car crash which killed three highschool students,the basis for the novel is certainly nothing original. It soon becomes clear,however,that there is more to The Night Country than tired clichés.

Told from the point of view of the three dead crash victims,the novel focuses on those left behind. Tim,a survivor,and Brooks,the first police officer at the scene,find their lives destroyed by their memories of the night. Kyle,the other survivor,is left scarred and brain-damaged,and those around him struggle to deal with the fact that he will never be the same person he once was.

The devastating effects of loss and bereavement have been explored by countlesswriters,but O’Nan adds his own twist. While those affected by the tragedy are unable to escape their memories,in turn the spirits of the dead are also trapped,tied to the town and its people. Neither the living nor the dead can be free until the events of that night are put to rest.

The Night Country is undoubtedly an absorbing read. While some of the teen-style dialogue does at first seem a bit contrived,this novel develops into a very strange and moving story. If you’re bored with plastic fangs and the Scream trilogy, and are looking for something with a bit more depth,this is definitely worth a look.

Tanya Partridge

LONE WOLF

Lone Wolf is Felix Dennis’ second book of poetry. A self proclaimed ‘minor media mogul’, he claims he came to poetry late, but has definitely made up for any perceived lost time.

If your perception of poetry is that it consists of impenetrable lines of convoluted words,then this book will change your mind. Dennis’ poems are easy to read but by no means simple.

This book is an excellent read, and not just for literature students. It’s accessible to those who have little knowledge of poets and form,by its sheer energy,humour and insights into humanity and modern life. If you enjoy demonstrating your literary knowledge,there are enough allusions to poets and literature to gratify you.

Dennis seems to delight in poetic forms as well as the natural rhythms of words and language. He appears to write to express not impress,yet does not appear overly sentimental or dry. His insights are always lively and witty.

It’s easy reading; the poems manage to be comprehensible and engaging,yet not simplistic or condescending. His language,likewise, is plain but erudite.

Lone Wolf is a very enjoyable read; it also comes with a free CD of Dennis reading his poetry,as well as a DVD of his tour Did I mention the free wine? with the Royal Shakespeare Company.

Samara Casewell

Edited by Nick Rennison Bloomsbury

The Good Reading Guide claims that it ‘seeks to answer two main questions: ‘Which book should I read?’ and ‘Which book should I read next?’

As far as I can tell it doesn’t actually provide any concrete answers,but it does give a general overview of contemporary fiction.

It works like an encyclopedia; authors,genres and general themes are listed alphabetically with brief explanations. Each entry suggests a few relevant books to help you explore the topic further. As well as this,there are nine ‘pathways’. These are lists of books that relate to certain themes of nine classics. For example,if you read and liked Ulysses,you may be interested in books relating to cities,Ireland, self-discovery or ones written in a Joycean style.

Though it is a bit basic,and very general,this book could play the part of ‘clever friend’ for a reader wanting a bit of advice. If you are totally clueless about books,or want to diversify your tastes and experiment with reading matter,it could be really helpful. However,if you are already an enthusiastic reader then you will probably find it unrewarding.

This guide will only appeal to a certain group of readers,who will find it very useful. Everyone else might think it’s a bit rubbish.

Hannah Perry

Felix Dennis Hutchinson

NIGHT COUNTRY: Not teen trash

JOYCE: For a spot of light reading

DENNIS: The poetic media mogul

Best Book

Caleb Woodbridge on needing Narnia and Artemis... Foul ?

The Chronicles of Narnia

C S Lewis

Ihave to admit that as a child I checked the back of my wardrobe in the hope that I would be able to get through into the magical land of Narnia.

Unfortunately,Aslan,the Great Lion, did not oblige,so I have had to make do with experiencing Narnia through the seven exciting and beautiful adventures by C S Lewis.

Philip Pullman,author of His Dark Materials,has taken to bashing the Narnia books. Ironically,he objects to C S Lewis’s pushing of Christianity when he himself is far more vocal in his atheistic views in his own books. Don’t be put off by him - Lewis

doesn’t jump out and try to convert you,but simply taps in to the themes and ideas of Christianity to powerful effect,also drawing on Greek and Roman mythology to produce a rich and imaginative fantasy sequence.

Lewis visibly becomes more accomplished as the series progresses,so don’t be fooled by the initially,slightly cutesy style. Even in the first book, The Lion,the Witch and the Wardrobe, one of the children betrays his family for the promises of power and wealth from the evil White Witch. Can you imagine Ron or Hermione betraying Harry Potter to Voldemort? Dark stuff indeed.

The climax to the series in The Last Battle is also incredibly powerful,disturbing and moving in equal measure. I won’t give anything away here,but these are gripping,magical books that have shaped my imagination both as a child and as an adult.

FOWL’S FAIRIES: Too cool to be interesting

Worst Book

Artemis Fowl

Eoin Colfer

The premise of the book is a promising one: Artemis Fowl, evil criminal mastermind,has discovered that fairies do actually exist and seeks to exploit this for his own ends.

Unfortunately,in the author’s efforts to make fairies tough and cool,he loads them up with a basketful of clichés,drowning them in a barrage of attempts to give"scientific" versions of fairy wings and so on.

A good book will help you see the world in a different way. A good fantasy book should help you see the fantastic in the world. After Narnia,no wardrobe will ever be the same again. One of the reasons I really hate Artemis Fowl, is that instead of making the everyday seem fantastic,it makes the fantastic seem everyday. The fantastic is being brought down

to the dull,everyday level of Monday morning in the office. With so many people in dull paperpushing jobs,living out insignificant McLives,we’re being encouraged to think of this as normal and good.

Rather than seeking to do anything more meaningful,we’re made to think there’s nothing more to life than this. Our dreams of the fantastic are invaded to make them,and to make us, conform to the corporate ideal.

The book itself? I don’t have any more to say on it,since the annoying "jokes" (LEPrecon - yeuch),poor writing style and basic Harry-Potter-cashin rubbishness made me throw it down in disgust before I was halfway through.You have been warned.

ICE QUEEN: Jane played it cool a bit too seriously

The Write Way Books

Shell Plant gets tips from Catrin Collier

Despite being told that Catrin Collier will remind me of my Gran,the comparison doesn’t hold water. My Gran never sweeps into places looking chic and glamorous clad head to toe in black.

One of Wales’ finest,Catrin has written for magazines such as Woman, Woman’s Own and Jackie, alongside having 25 books published since 1993. I caught up with her during her book tour,when she gave me writing tips and talked about her Welsh heritage.

Catrin is very busy right now,which pleases her,as she warns of the lack of job security in her profession.

"We are all terrified of losing our contracts if we don’t keep selling."

Any budding authors out there who think you can write an amazing novel and expect the whole world to come to your door can think again.

Catrin advises getting out there and selling your wares,otherwise nobody will be interested.

She also emphasises the importance of self-belief,but says when it

comes to writing technique she doesn’t like to follow too many rules,as it kills creativity.

"It either works or it doesn’t. After a month sitting in the drawer you will soon see if it works or not."

Frankfurt International Book Fair

The 56th Frankfurt International Book Fair took place over five rather damp days last November.

The weather,however,did not put off the bookworms. 54,000 visitors turned up to browse the shelves at Frankfurt every day

But it’s not just librarians that make the yearly pilgrimage to Germany. This year the comic hall devoted most of its shelf space to all things Manga. The big draw for cartoon fans and publishers alike was the impressive Korean exhibition,set to be the new trend in comic shops round the globe.

Delegates,dignitaries and authors representing 19 countries of the Arab World were this year’s Guests of Honour. Flanked by armed guards they gave readings,chaired discussions and attempted to dispel a few myths about literary and ideological oppression.

Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin also made a rare public appearance. Launching the Google

Print project,which makes the full texts of books accessible via the world's largest search engine. The Print project went down badly with many fearing that the initiative will affect book sales and authors’ royalty based income.

The uber-geeks from Silicon Valley were not the only ones grabbing headlines,as publishers spent millions securing new talent or poaching existing high profile authors. The biggest deal was from Penguin,which lured thriller writer Jonathan Kellerman with a £2m four book deal.

Meanwhile Stuart Hill,a former car upholsterer,is tipped to be the next big thing in children's fiction. of the Icemark novel,was bought by Barry Cunningham, the man responsible for publishing the first Harry Potter book. Hill was

Catrin keeps an ideas file with between 300 and 400 ideas that she is in the process of researching.

As she wisely notes,there are as many different ways of writing as there are writers,so don’t stick to one certain framework because you think it is the right way to write. Go with what feels natural to you.

Catrin describes a friend who can write four different novels at once, whereas she prefers to write a book, finish it,and then move onto the next.

When our conversation moves to her birthplace,Pontypridd,she laughs "I love Wales,I love the Welsh people but I’m not blind to its faults."

Catrin believes part of the reason her fans love her books is because they are based in areas such as Pontypridd,which still carry a sense of community and family.

Her impressive resumé also includes four different pseudonyms, writing everything from romance to gory thriller and non-fiction.

She has also worked in America, and eastern Europe,(Can I have this woman’s career please?) yet she still seems so down to earth.

at the centre of a bidding frenzy when 20 European publishing houses fought for his novel. It has already been bought by Scholastic,which publishes J K Rowling's work in the US, and a deal for the rights of a film,is in discussion with New Line Cinema. By any means The Cry of the Icemark, part one of a trilogy,looks set to become this year’s hottest seller after hitting the shelves last month.

AJ Silvers

GOOGLE: Instilled fear into the hearts of book lovers

COLLIER: Proud of her heritage

Comedy Corner

Once again,our Christmas crackers failed to make us laugh,so Quench went looking for comedy elsewhere

Roy ‘Chubby’Brown @ St David’s Hall, 10 - 11 January 05

Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown is probably the most offensive man in Britain (with the possible exception of Robert Kilroy Silk).

Wearing what looked like a contraceptive cap as headwear,he treated his audience to an auditory feast garnished with 291 ‘fucks’ and 22 ‘cunts’ in a 90-minute set. ‘Chubby’ offensively gesticulates in the face of taboo. He provides anecdotes concerning the paedophile-reducing potential of tsunamis and Ken Bigley’s new hat,all without earning the king of outrage title Billy Connolly recently experienced.

Aided by his Northern impishness and comedy,Biggles-esque attire, ‘Chubby’ successfully extracts laughter where few other comedians would dare to tread. Even his most vehe-

Shakespeare’s Richard III @ Sherman Theatre, 15 - 19 February

Mark Thomas @ The Sherman Theatre, 29 - 30 November 05

He starts as he means to go on.

“We are all fucked,there was a gunfight at Yasser Arafat’s wake! I suppose it’s what he would’ve wanted.”

Mark Thomas is brilliant. To start, he launches into some topical standup,(“Come on,hands up,who had David Blunkett down as a lurverman?”) before regaling the crowd with tales of how he got arrested for locking himself to the axle of a truck enroute to an arms fair.

The core of the show is the second half. Here Thomas takes us through the murky history of Coca-Cola and their activities in modern Columbia. As he continues,the show becomes more serious,but by no means less enjoyable.

Mark Thomas cares. In a world where authority and power are almost universally abused,we need men like Mark to abuse those with power and

Tickets are usually 12 quid,but if you quote ‘Cardiff University offer’ when you buy the tickets,the kind people at the box office will do you a ticket half-price. Hooray for scabby studenthood!

Orchestra Tsumani Appeal @ St David’s Hall,11 February

Its not just the musicians of popular culture that are willing to put out for a good cause. Cardiff Philharmonic Orchestra are performing A Night at the Movies and donating proceedings to the appeal. This is your chance to have a classy night out and feel good about yourself at the same time.

The Witches @ New Theatre,8 - 12 February

Come on,admit it, The Witches was pretty scary when you were little. Although the ladies with blue spit are unlikely to scare you now,this stage adaptation of Roald Dahl’s classic is bound to be thrilling!

A Life in the Theatre @ Apollo Theatre, Shaftesbury Avenue, London

Okay,this production may not be on your doorstep,but it is definitely worth the trip. Starring Patrick Stewart (Star Trek) and Joshua Jackson (Dawson’s Creek),this comedy looks set to make you giggle. By the way guys - take your girlf to see Mr. Jackson and she’ll love you forever!

Mary

Lloyd

Jones’ New Paintings @ Martin Tinney Gallery,ends 18 February

WTF is a Chuckle-o-meter?

For those of you who don’t own a chuckle-o-meter,it operates on a simple scale of 0 - 5. For example, tales of your Grandpa’s bowel movements would fetch 0,while . . . You get the picture!

A vibrant exhibition of expressionist paintings inspired by the Welsh landscape.

Chuckle-o-meter:

Chuckle-o-meter:

Chubby yowled in pain as his foot got stuck up Mark Thomas’s arse

OLDE MENS PUBS, PARTE THE FIRSTE

Is

anyone else tired of student-only bars,dance music and trendy poseurs strawpedo-ing bottles of Reef? Drop that Yellow Card,don your flat cap, and come with Dave Adams to see

what drink- ing’s like in proper pubs...

CRWYS

Crwys Rd

It always annoys me when some pubs seem to forget to put the ‘The’ on their signs. This is one such place. It doesn’t matter; I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Anyway,the main bar of The Crwys is the nursery slope of ‘proper’ pubs in Roath and Cathays. It has the décor and the prices of one,but look around and you’ll see that half the clientele are second and third year students who live round about. It’s got two big screens,making it excellent footy-watching territory,karaoke and quiz nights,and some bloke in a suit who you’ll invariably find sitting in the corner talking to himself and shaking his head.

A bit of a hidden gem,however,if you want some good old-mannish action,is the lesser-known back room – pool and darts,no carpet,dogs run ning round off their leads,and smoking apparently compulsory.

The Crwys Old Man Rating: 4 rogue dog turds/5

THERUMMERTAVERN

Castle St

I was once told this was a gay pub, but having seen no evidence of this whatsoever I can only assume that the idea sprung up because of what the name rhymes with.

It’s got some stock old pub qualities – flagstone floor,oak beams, slightly rickety furniture and an oftimpenetrable dimness.

I was told this was a gay pub,I can only assume because of what the name rhymes with

But,on the other hand,there’s good value food deals to pull the young-uns in from shopping on Queen St,and they’ve recently introduced a sofa area in the back.

Makes for a decent mix of students and (admittedly more) ‘proper’ if not necessarily old,patrons. Just watch out for gays.

Rummer Old Man Rating: 3 backs to the wall/5

St Mary St

Usually incongruously quiet,considering its central location,with a good old men quotient and a unique décor; focusing,unsurprisingly,on goats through the ages.

Carpet’s always important in pubs, and I like it here. It’s got that worn-out oldness,with shiny patches where people have stood too much,and an overall sense that it might have been pissed on at some point in its long life.

In fact,it probably has. Named after the mascot of the band of the Welsh Guards,a pint of Brains in a bowl is laid on for said animal after every appearance it makes at home rugby internationals in the stadium. I may not be Rolf Harris,but I’d guess that if a pint of bitter makes a man need to go,a goat’ll be no different. Veterinary fact for you there.

Goat Old Man Rating: 2 pissed goats/5

The

The

You want the

Come on,just a little further... Stretch... No,you can’t have it! You want it? Ha-ha! Not for Popes!

Visiting dignitaries indulge in the tradition of “Pope Teasing”

Gwennyth St (off Crwys Rd)

This is a source of much untapped potential. As it is it’s bigger than it needs to be,with a big screen,beer garden,and snooker and pool rooms on the side. Even with these considerable assets,however,don’t come here if you’re looking for excitement. Last time I was in,however,things were livened-up by a bloke I’ll refer to only as ‘Day-release Bernard,’ who sat singing along to his walkman.

But this is why I like it. People might come here and find it dull. But if you do,you’re just not the sort of person who’ll ever get this sort of place and there’s no point me trying to explain.

And don’t worry about it being a very local sort of pub; they aren’t all sitting on hay bales,chewing baccy. As long as you don’t act like a gobshite you’ll be alright anywhere,including here.

THEALBANY

Donald St (off Albany Rd)

Bit out of the way this one,but it’s got the lot. For a start it looks great; real late-Victorian/turn of the century décor with high ceilings,wall lamps,stained glass etc. And a skittle alley,a rare bonus. But the best thing for me is the legendary, decrepit,old regular Mr Jack Phillips Esq.

WANTED: THE20p KID

He has his own table,known as ‘Jack’s Corner,’ with his own plaque on the wall,and mocked-up Wanted posters dubbing him ‘The 20p Kid.’ You and me can only aspire to that degree of reverence.

If you’re in here and you see him asleep in front of his pint of SA,give him a nudge and shake his hand. Old men’s pubs need old men of his calibre; he’s an example to us all.

Going Out 53

DEMPSEY’S

Castle St

Don’t even think about coming here if you’ve got anything against Celtic Football Club,or if you’re in the habit of wearing a lot of blue (or orange). If it weren’t so patently genuine,this shrine to the Hoops would scream ‘theme pub,’ laden as it is with Celtic memorabilia.

The prices aren’t exactly studentloan friendly,but if there’s a match on you’ll want to stay and just get drunk on the atmosphere. But watch out for wiry Scotsmen trying to make you buy twenty quid’s worth of raffle tickets, where the first prize is a bottle of Hennessey Cognac,refilled with something transparent.

And beware of getting carried away and being exposed as a total charlatan who doesn’t know any of the actual words to any of the chants,and has just been mouthing along trying to fit in. That is not a confession.

C o o k

ing with a

d a s h of posh

Shell Plant talks to award-winning chef John Burton Race about his new TV show and gets some tips on how to go posh on a student budget. Photographs by Adam Lawrence

Twice over he has been awarded two stars in the Michelin guide for his cooking,but John Burton Race gave up on the fast life and moved to Aude in France to start again and rediscover the basics of cooking with good ingredients.

This became the subject of his TV programme on C4 and his bestselling book French Leave . I caught up with him to talk about his new culinary adventures and to ask how he could advise poor students to eat a little better.

How is the book tour and everything going?

It’s going really,really well. I’m just coming to the end of filming the new C4 series, Return of the Chef ,and I opened a resturant called the ‘New Angel’ in Devon so it has been a very hectic time for me lately. Luckily the restuarant is doing brilliantly well -everything is just getting bigger and bigger. French Leave for example has been sold to eleven different countries. It’s really done well. Having lived in France and written a book about French cooking it must

be hard to come back to fish n’ chips. Do the French have the best food in the world?

I think the style of French food is definitely the best in the world,but that doesn’t mean that they have the best ingredients. We do very well over here,especially in Wales. I was at the Abergavenny food festival about four weeks ago and was totally impressed. I met some of the local producers there and the produce was equally as good as anything I have seen in France. What is your favourite dish of all time?

That’s very difficult to say - you’ve really put me on the spot there. I love fish though,particularly sea bass and turbot. I’m also a bit of a chocoholic so I guess it would be fish a main course followed by a big plate of chocolate for dessert. You travelled to France to get back to basics,back to the ingredients. Do you think Britain has become obsessed with imported ingredients and ready meals?

Yes,I absolutely. You can go round the supermarkets and think you are

buying something British,but you are actually probably not buying anything that is produced locally. When you see the union flag on two sirloins it’s not British beef at all. As long as the meat is packed or handled in this country they are allowed to call it British meat.

Then there is the big scam surrounding organic and free range. The British public should be more suspicious about those labals. It’s also worth noting that 70% of everything called organic isn’t produced in this country. It’s all imported.

I believe the quality of the ingredients counts for at least 50% of the meal. It doesn’t matter how fancy the dish is - if the basics aren’t right nothing else will be quite right either.

When you do have good quality ingredients it’s often better to do something simple with them. That way you can show the ingredient off for what it’s worth.

John in front of his resturant with his beloved fish

What tips would you give to a student who has been stuck on a diet of chips,pizza and baked beans for the last year and wants to broaden their horizons to try something healthier and more interesting?

The thing with being a student is that it’s all about money,and to some extent time. So what you need really is someone to write a cookbook that appreciates that you have only got a couple of quid.

Having said that there are dishes you can make which are immensely healthy that aren’t terribly time-consuming.

I would suggest starting with the basics,for example,fish dishes. Simple cheap fish is always a good start and very good for you. Simple egg dishes are a good start as well.

Seafood

600g sea bass,filleted but with the skin left on 12 oysters

Salt and pepper

Poaching liquor and sauce

1 garlic clove

1 sprig fresh tarragon

240ml fish stock

60g unsalted butter

120ml dry Champagne

Garnishes

1 garlic clove

30g fresh chervil

2 large ripe tomatoes

60g butter

60ml double cream

1. Cut the sea bass unto four equal pieces and season with salt and pepper.

2. Wash and open the oysters. Pour them into a bowl,being very careful not to break off any shell into their juices.

3. Wash and trim the leeks and dice them into 1 cm pieces. Remove the inner silver leaves as they are tough

You would all be better off if chefs like me would steer away from the prime cuts which nobody can afford,and show students how do the simple fish and egg dishes instead.

and taste unpleasant. Blanch the leek pieces in salted boiling water, then strain and refresh in cold water. When cold,strain again and leave to one side.

4. Peel and halve the garlic. Wash, dry and pick the chervil leaves from their stalks and chop them.

5. Skin,seed and dice the tomatoes. Place the diced tomatoes in a small pan with a little of the oyster juices, a little of the butter,and some salt and pepper.

You said earlier you have recently finished filming your new TV series. What is that about? Return of the Chef is set around the ‘New Angel’ restaurant,the farmers in Devon and the produce from Devon. It’s a showcase for my restaurant I suppose,but it’s also based around my discoveries in France. I’m bringing back to this country what I learnt over there and there will be a book to accompany the TV series as well.

6. Preheat the oven to 180 degrees (gas 4).

7. Peel and halve the garlic,Blanch the tarragon.

8. Pour all but a small ladleful of the fish stock into a shallow overproof pan. Add the halved garlic clove,and the blanched tarragon. Bring to the boil. Place the sea bass into the pan, flesh-side down,cover with butter paper and a lid. Cook for about five minutes in the preheated oven.

9. Remove the sea bass from the oven and,using a fish slice,place a piece of fish,skin-side up,in the centre of each serving plate. Carefully peel off the skin from each piece of fish. Keep warm.

10. Pour the remaining ladleful of fish stock into another shallow pan. Add the halved garlic and the remaining butter.

11. Throw in the diced leeks and, stirring with a spoon,mix thoroughly. Add the chervil leaves and cream. When the leeks have taken up all the liquid they are ready.

12. Warm the diced tomatoes through in the small pan with the oyster juices and butter.

13. Return the fish cooking juices to the stove and boil to reduce by half.

14. Remove the oysters from the bowl,quickly chop them to a paste and add them and any remaining juice to the reduced fish stock. Whisk thoroughly.

15. To thicken the suace,dice the butter and,piece by piece,whisk it in until it has completely dissolved. Strain into another pan and keep warm. Discard the oyster paste.

16. Top the bass on each plate with a heaped spoon of the hot leeks and chervil. Decorate the plates with the warm tomato juice.

17. Finally,pour the Champagne into the sauce. While it is still foaming, quickly and carefully spoon the sauce on to the plates. Serve immediately.

John outside a cafe during his time in France

Video Nasty

The recent cacophony of calls for the use of technology in football has reached a crescendo so deafening that it seems the voice of the majority will no longer be ignored.

Commentators,pundits and fans alike have spent many hours bemoaning the shortcomings of referees and their assistants. With the bandwagon now piled high and at bursting point, Football Association officials are sure to pander to the latest whim and kneejerk reactions of the media.

Amidst vigorous cries of foul play, inconsistency and incompetence,the principles upon which sport is based seem sure to be forgotten. Fair play and honesty,cornerstones of sporting tradition,will be replaced by clinical procedures,flawless in their judgements and scientifically approved by laboratory boffins. Sport is not clinical,nor should it be. It is unpredictable. It is frustrating. Wrong decisions are agonising and galling,yet that is what sets it apart from so many mundane aspects of daily life.

The use of video technology in rugby and cricket has proved a positive development in these particular sports. Change and advancement should be welcomed and promoted in areas where it can be reasonably assumed that its benefits will outweigh its drawbacks. If technology is to be used in football,that is the governing body’s prerogative. It should not,however,be introduced as a piece of retrospective legislation,the result of media outcry at isolated incidents of perceived injustice.

While technology’s incorporation into other sports has been universally acclaimed,the nature of these sports, particularly rugby and cricket,differ greatly from football. They have natural breaks in play when a try is scored or a delivery bowled. Yet the appeal and unique quality of British football is its pace and constant stream of action. Interrupt this for video replays and that unique quality will disappear.

The beauty of our national game is its wide appeal. Through sporting

debate many friendships are formed. In football punditry,there is generally no right or wrong opinion. Was a tackle fair? Was the striker really offside? The current debate centres on goalline technology but is it really possible to draw the line there? If the FA want to root out injustice,and that is the rationale put forward by those involved in the debate,thensurely every contentious decision must be referred to a video official?

Football,as with most sports,is contentious by nature. The day the emotion of sport is sanitised by clinical accuracy will be the day sport ceases to possess its unique appeal. The subjectivity which underpins every aspect of football is its lifeblood.

Perhaps football should seek to emulate cricket in its treatment of onfield officials. In that sport,umpires make subjective decisions in highly pressurised situations. They are not part of an exact science. Yet the decisions reached are rarely questioned publicly and the umpires are largely respected. Player petulance and indiscipline is simply not tolerated.

During England’s Test series in South Africa,Michael Vaughan broke the mould and criticised the match officials after play was abandoned early due to bad light. His subsequent empty pockets - Vaughan was fined his entire match fee - although perhaps a little unfair - at least ensured that the authority of the umpires remained intact.

Football is the game of the people and its governing body should remember that. Rather than hound and castigate referees for innocent mistakes, perhaps the authorities should root out those who knowingly try to flout the rules for personal gain.

The Final Page? It Must Be The...

Vinyl Resting Place

with Bastian Springs

Greetings and salutations and yes,DC Gates has gone,so forward all your “How dare you replace his genius with this filth” letters to er,the same address you didn’t send his fanmail,guys. This is the new world order and the general is dictating we need a column where someone writes under a hilarious pseudonym about awful records. Think of this as the antidote to cult classics - you know,the bit where Barry Bendawful (Third year engineering) garbles on about how great Led Zepellin III is and you flick back to read Food. This is a celebration of all that is awful,distasteful,stinking and putrid in the airwaves that penetrate our stirrups and bangs our drums. This week,no theme,just a tone-setter and,conveniently in the run up,two songs the Brit Awards judges took a whiff of and said “Yes!”

Record #1 - Maroon 5 - This Love Crime:Music For PeopleWho Don’t Like Music

And what a place to start. Without a doubt THEworst song,no not even song,the worst goddamn CONCEPTfor a way to spend three minutes. Deconstructing the components of the song,we have what’s essentially a Hyperultramega-u-save brand Irn Bru to the Red Hot Chilli Peppers’ real deal (the irony of course,is that Irn Bru tastes like pigswill anyway) coupled with a literally inane melody,which comes tacked

on with some boring-singerschtick (“my baby boy nephew came up with it on a xylophone / it came to me in a dream”) which only the strict demograpic of fatheads that like Maroon 5 would ever dig. Nice. You forgot to remove the fact the melody of the chorus sounds like a chubby fingered degenerate trying to write a ringtone on their Nokia before production though. Whoops.

Welsh TV funk-hunk Steve Jones (of T4 fame) recently declared Maroon 5 his least

Getting personal here, but I think the first time Jo “painfully down with the listeners” Whiley said “get on the texts and tell me what you think” and THIS started my life took a dramatic swing for the worse.

I got ill,my hair started being torn out,and I had irreponsible urges to hurt,maim, and destroy every toad,newt and gecko that even slightly resembled Joss Stone. I suffered uncontrollable retching, spasms and one time,upon reading the trustworthy souls at Mojo magazine mentioned her in the same sentence as Andre 3000,I sliced my own

favourite band of all time. Good on you sunshine. You’ve managed to offend every bungleminded 13-30 female who keeps a photo of you because they thought you were the sixth member of the M5 in their wallet and pretend they know you in one fell swoop. We need people like you. Any doubters still mumbling their disapproval at this point may also like to take into account the issue that This Love was also the theme tune to Wimbledon.

throat. But I’m OK now. The main,severe,problem with Fell in Love With a Boy is not that it’s a shoddy cover of a good song. It’s a completely awful version of a dangerously average song whom people consider untouchable (despite,er,the fact The White Stripes never considered that about any of the filthy penniless Delta beggars they stole their riffs from). Nobody comes out alive from his one. I remember somebody once told me that her subtle changing of the lyrics was “clever”. Fuck me,my music teacher,who used to change the words of Ob-La-Di

Ob-La-Da to say “Desmond sits at home and does his pretty face” must be a freaking genius,then.

Joss Stone is essentially, one of those girls who were in your science class who wrote “Down with technology - flowers are sacred” on their rulers,embiggoned by some fruity gay yes-men in suits who erroniously think they know what constitutes being cool. Dropping bleach-dribbled novelty cover smashes (over an entire album no doubtthis is what fuckmuffins like Erasure do after 19 consecutive flop comeback albums) in the year 2005,is not.

Record #2 - Joss Stone - Fell in LoveWith a Boy Crime:Desecration of Significantly MoreTalented Singers by JoWhiley’s Idea of a Good Listen.

Woss and Toss

By Bastian Springs

At Large

Maroon 5: Arse