Quench Issue 37 - 27 March 2006

Cosmeticsurgery - the iconic craft of our age? The tonnes of vacuous glossy ‘mags’ devoted to making ordinary people feel ugly and celebrities feel insecure definitely suggest so.

Although almost every industry that is based on looks (think most of Hollywood and the WHOLEfashion industry) is usually fairly redundant in any meaning beyond making people think they have more/less chance of having sex.

But,that my friends,is aside the point.

Presentation is important,especially in the press. Like people,if something is ugly we probably won’t look at it.

Most English papers are let down by shoddy presentation. The new Sunday Telegraph (or the Suegraph, as clever media-commentators should call it) just about saves space for stories amongst its cluttered ads. The Indy looks good but only because it fills its front pages with infographics about the percentage of pigeons in Peru with piles (17.87 per cent if you wondered). Most work on the basis that because they’ve been doing it for years,it must work. Pick up a paper on the continent and look at the difference.

We’re hardly Cheekbone magazine (you know the one from TheMighty Boosh - so hip it’s delivered by ninja every three hours) but I’d like to think we’re a little easier on the eye than some of the other stuff we get sent.

But there’s been something bugging me since my peers decided that it might be not un-wise to trust me with this dear organ.

So we did our own bit of cosmetic surgery.

Editor Will Dean Executive editor Tom Wellingham

Assistant to the Editors Elaine Morgan

Sub-editors Sam Coare,Catherine Gee,Chris White,Graeme Porteous Arts Kim O’Connor,Rebecca Child Blind Date Sarah Ahmad Books James Skinner Columnists John Widdop,TV Willy Cult Classics Matt Turtle Debate Helen Rathbone Digital Sam Curtis Fashion Charlotte Howells,Clare Hooker Features Kerry Lynne-Doyle, Hannah Perry,Tom Howard,Helen Thompson Film Catherine Gee,Ryan Owen Food Sian Hughes Gay Fenar Muhammed-Ali Going Out Lisa O’Brien Interviews Xandria Horton Mr Chuffy Andy Johnson Music Sam Coare,Harold Shiel,Greg Cochrane Photography Luke Pavey,Adam Gasson,James Perou Travel Bec Storey,Amy Harrison Contributors Ben Bryant,Will Hitchins,Finn Scott-Delaney,Sofie Jenkinson,Jen Long, Huw Davies,Maura Bricknell,Matthew Nicholson,Ellie Bilton,Suze Attaway,Paul Tolley, Stuart Jewell,Napoleon Solo,Perri Lewis,Liz Stephens,Jenna Harris,James Merdith, Lucy Higgins,John Lott,Luke Pavey,Dave Smith,Sarah Day,James Luethcford,Laura Horton,Will Bebb,Kate Montague,Jeremy Parkinson,EJ Price Proof Readers Jess Anderson,Mike Richards,William Hitchins,Elise Kirke Cover design Will Dean Thought of the week: Elections... farce mate

The black bars that used to hulk over Quench’s pages like the spaceships in Independence Day are now gone,replaced by svelte page numbers that are much easier on the eye and much more like A Real Magazine. I’m sleeping a lot better.

There’s a lot more room on our pages now for shiny pictures and more space for our writers to fill.

Before any Quench traditionalists jam my email account with complaints about how the wonky bars which took up a SIXTH of the page and usually had the wrong date were a fundamental part of Quench,I say to you this... sod off.

However,it may have been wiser to do this more than four issues before the end of my tenure.

We never thought ‘Oh my god,it's the funniest thing I've seen,’ and ‘Crufts’ (the dog festival held last week in Brum) would be uttered in the same breath. But,after having a dog-and-owner Chicago-esque routine described to me by a friend,I was convinced enough to track down www.dogdance.net.

Although not featuring that Crufts star,we were tickled silly when I watched a routine entitled Gladiator on the site… and you thought Russell Crowe was hot. Its one of three video clips where you can watch a grown man called 'Attila' dance with his border collie named 'fly'. Genius.

www.dogdance.net

DOGDANCE.NET: It’s a dogs’ life

BY HEATHER CASEY

webwatchatquenchdotcom

Snap of the week

I.Q.

Despite us sticking a ‘not for resale’ disclaimer after last month’s eBay shenanigans,some cheeky scamps had to take the biscuit by decorating someone’s in beautiful gair rhydd wrapping paper. What a waste. Still, pretty funny though.

INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT

what we know and what we’re not quite so sure about

PEER

!" ROWAN WILLIAMS - Proof that head of religious denominations don’t actually have to be nutjobs

!" BABY PANDAS - That slide down slides and wrestle each other, as reported by Reuters

!" SLANKETS - Blankets but with arms for ultimate warmth. So simple, yet so clever.

!" ELECTIONS OVER - Now the candidates can get some sleep

!" R ATEMYGASMASK.COMYou rate people’s gasmasks. Go look if you don’t believe

!" THE COLD- It’s nearly April for God’s sake

!" ISAAC HAYES - After South Parkoffend just about every religion ever invented he quits when his belief, Scientology, is targeted. Grow up.

!" HOMOPHOBIA - We counted about five references to ‘the gays’ in a copy of The Sunlast week. Its editor must be angry about something...

!" THE FA CUP - A complete tease to mediocre teams who never win anything.

POOR

SHAVING:

Are we right boys and girls? Wouldn’t life be approximately (Mach) three times easier if we didn’t have to scrape our redundant body hair off every morning? Or,in the case of most of the gair rhydd staff,every few weeks. The campaign for furry chins and thighs starts here guys. As does our first EVER beard championshipsee right.

SANDWICHES:

As one of our fashion editors kindly pointed out: “You can put anything in two slices of bread.” Quite. Anyway,sandwiches get the nod in a completely tenuous manner becasue A) they’re slightly healthier than anything anyone on this magazine has eaten for three months and B) because we found our old gair rhydd sandwich boards last week. Look out for up-to-date-ish headlines and what-not.

THEMAGICNUMBER

0, 19, 56, 48, 3, 13, 45, 69, 600, 75, 3873, 350, 412, 7, 2, 35, 26, 475, 9, 3, 567, 3783, 34623, 3, 7, 585, 60, 38, 16, 4638, 97, 11, 373, 789, 12, 59, 34

GREG COCHRANE

BEARD. Here ye,here ye.

TLIKES ANIMALS

wo alligators sexing,elephants paddling in lakes, and goats grappling on the edge of jagged perspicuous, sweet holy mackerel the BBC’s Planet Earth series is amazing.

BEARD OF THE YEAR 2006

This week’s Quench sees the launch of our first annual Cardiff Beard Contest. Here are four for starters. Get your entries in to quench@gairrhydd.com. Best beard wins a photo session with a renowned beard photographer

KEV

97% - Chance of victory in student elections if you ‘LOVE MACHINE 7’ written on the back of your football shirt. Sigh. quench.gairrhydd.comall

If it’s not a hyena jumping off a mountain onto a gazelle,it’s a hippopotamus yawning,a sloth conducting a tactical hunt,fish talking or a golden eagle fighting a giant squid. Well,maybe not that last one.

Then we get an inside peek on the little man who spent three years in a camouflage wig-wam jabbering to his cup of cocoa whilst waiting for a 10 second snippet of a white snow leopard in the,er,the snow (repect due, this coming from the boy whose boredom threshold is stretched by the adverts in Emmerdale).

And then there’s the magnetic hushed tones of David Attenborough (the Barry White of the nature world),the man who can make a giraffe taking a dump sound like an a scientific breakthrough whilst recoiling astounding facts. “A camel – when at full running speed - can actually permanently become air-bornsome have been seen floating over Scandanavia - and its nostrils may be closed against flying dust,” etc.

In other news,clashing Sunday night fodder 24 is - in comparision - absolute tosh. Apparently though,in an unforeseen move, next season Jack Bauer pulls a sly sickie early in the day,has a lie in,then proceeds to sit in his pants all day watching golf (or snooker) and then goes back to bed.

Now,Bravo’s Booze Britain, that’s ground breaking TV. A real life bloto-mentary where groups of hooligans get given a budget to go out get smashed,predictably get naked and then destroy an already degradated provincial town. An-ee-mols. Next time: James Skinner

CWARNING

Looking at children a bit funny? Concerned you may be a kiddy fiddler? Call the confidential paedo-line now and find out, on 0895 B-A-D-U-N-C-L-E (calls cost £3.00 perminute, ask the bill payer’s permission. Fortraining purposes, calls may be monitored by vigilante nonce-bashers)

Mr Chuffy Investigates... That rather unsavory war crime thing

rimewatch recently featured footage of the Crimean War joyriding in a stolen Fiat Punto. Last week,the Gillingham Gynaecological led with claims of the 30 Years War breaching a Kentwide hosepipe ban,and,as you read this,the Napoleonic War is drunkenly defecating upon a sleeping tramp. Tautological War Crime is widespread,but the government is impotent to prevent it with our prisons full of the likes of the Spanish Civil War and the Boer War. And,only last month, Flanders Field escaped from Pentonville Prison when a young harlot,sent to appease the volatile conflicts,left the backdoor open. So, what is being done to prevent these delinquent wars mugging grandma?

Supporters of War Crimes were saddened last week following the death of former Serbian leader Slobodan Miloseviç who died tragically in a medical trial gone wrong. Miloseviç,who was supposed to be attending his own trial,is believed to have joined the medical trial after accidentally following a swan. The trial,a revolutionary new hammer-based treatment for vaginal thrush,had been successfully tested on hundreds of nails. However,Miloseviç’s groin was splattered stupid,like a penguin under a giant’s foot.

Prior to death Miloseviç was nearing the culmination of his trial for unpaid parking fines and other stuff within the International Criminal Tribunal for the Former Yugoslavia in Hague. The former follically-challenged leader of the Conservative Party suffered increasingly crippling gastroenteritis with over 100 of Europe’s judiciary elite debating Miloseviç’s culpability within his alimentary canal. The case had to be adjourned for several weeks when William Hague suffered an acute bout of I.D.S. The Irritated DuncanSmith entered the Hague and refused to leave until the British electorate ceased underestimating the determi-

nation of the quiet man. The squatter’s determination finally faltered when a pack of rabid dingoes were inserted up Hague’s rectum to force out the MP for Chingford and Woodford Green.

The extradition of Miloseviç followed the sickening discovery of mass graves throughout the Former Yugoslavia. The baldy Serb was renowned for his violent intolerance of kilograms and is believed to have ordered the culling of all mass which was then dumped in a big grave. Miloseviç,an enthusiastic collector of envelopes,had planned for an object’s quantity of matter to be measured through the new metric of ‘Slobos’. However,tests on Kosovons revealed that ‘Slobos’ did not interact well with

the gravitational field,resulting in much of the Balkans becoming floaty and refusing to come down for a war.

The internet,like the bound au pair in the shed,harbours all manner of filth,with the latest disgustingly deviant online dalliance being War Crime Porn. Sicko websites guarantee to hit that ‘Genocide G-spot’ and chat rooms are hot with latest images of the Cornish man in a tractor dressed as Auschwitz.

One community in Northern Internet even volunteered to be ethnically cleansed because it made them feel all sexy. An unnamed victim, who survived the cleansing due to a rare type of eczema,replied to the online advertisement to meet new people and have a bit of a laugh. “He was really nice about it when I didn’t die,” commented the survivor on his War Crime Dominatrix. “Right good sense of humour.” Nasal Roast,perpetrator of the online-genocide-sex-pact, is currently on the run from the rozzers in Rhyl.

Incredulously,some international war criminals are now milking their psychotic past. Hip-hop artist G-Side,real name Paul Kagame and former leader of the Rwandese Patriotic Front,was complicit in the murder of thousands of Tutsis and Hutus during the mid 1990s. Kagame,now a multi-million selling rapper,counters the criticism by emphasising that these atrocities were in his past and he is only trying to represent/keep it real by rapping about what is happening on the streets. Kagame plans to bring out his own brand of G-Side clothing in the autumn.

A parental action group has been formed to campaign against G-Side’s forthcoming tour in East Anglia. Opposition to Life DesecrationMothers’ Infantry Neutralising Genocide Entertainment (O.L.D.M.I.N.G.E.) propose to write angry (yet polite) letters and bake fairy cakes as part of their protest.

MILOSEVIÇ: Dead,but cured of yeast infections

FIFA v Pro Evo

Lets see those thumbs - Quench pits the two

console football topdogs against each other,it’s FIFA football v Pro Evolution Soccer

I’ve been playing FIFA since its brilliant first incarnation way back in my wee years. Each new version provides a nostalgia that Pro Evo simply cannot due to its young years. FIFA has an amazing heritage,with each game improving on the last (what’s the difference between Pro Evo 6 and Pro Evo 5 - apart from £20 of course?).

FIFA takes me back to waking up on Christmas day as a little nipper,knowing full well that I’d spend it promising myself one more match before re-joining the family (because that’s what Christmas is about,right?) On second thoughts they can come and join me because anyone can pick up and play FIFA,it’s all about fun,not simulation,in contrast with Pro Evo where I’m constantly pulling teeth to get Gerrard to pass to Crouch’s feet. It is a severely frustrating game.

Surely everyone wants a pick-up-and-play football game,that’s what computer games are designed for. Why do Pro Evo players insist on accurately placing every player in a required position and then giving each one a defensive and attacking focus and lots of further nonsense that I’m sure makes little difference. If you want the exact football experience lets grab a ball and trot off to Bute Park!

FIFA provides fantastic game modes which make playing it a fresh and exciting experience every time. The lounge mode allows you to set up a mini-league of mates and use fun handicaps against each other. The manager and challenge modes finally make one player mode tolerable in a football game. And the scenario mode gives you the freedom to set up any challenge you wish to face or force upon your smug mate who just won five games in a row (3-0 down to AC Milan at half time anyone? No-one can come back from that).

I decided to play one match on each to freshen up my opinions on both games. I ended up playing a full world cup on FIFA. I’m now eight minutes into a game of Pro Evo and bored; it’s slow,lacks any excitement and the commentary is boring me to tears. Give me Clive Tyldsley for that Champions’ League feel and Andy Gray criticising every shot I take any day. Computer games are about fun,something Pro Evo and its players have forgotten.

This debate will rage on for years I have no doubt,but I’d like to extend an olive branch to Pro Evo players,one I’m sure we can all agree on. No game will ever be as good as Sensible Soccer Paul Tolley

Pro Evo or Fifa: The debate which has resulted in many a fight between good friends or even strangers in the pub looking for a friendly chat.

It can be argued this is the biggest contest in football games,however,in my opinion it’s a one horse race.

The main reason that this argument still remains is that die-hard fifa fans are unwilling to see Pro Evo’s game play is light years ahead. The game play on Pro Evo is consistently superior and it has been regularly documented that the new FIFA is reminiscent of Pro Evo 3,albeit with better graphics. Just because FIFA has the real names and a few ‘popular’ songs on the soundtrack,people remain blind to its inferiority… Alright, Pro Evo may not have all the correct names,but who doesn’t know who Von Mistelroum is,mind you Kluivert being renamed Froibaad is pushing it a bit.

Pro Evo also pips FIFA to the winner’s line with its multiplayer. Pro Evo tournaments matter so much between mates that people end up throwing consoles around,can get extremely depressed and,in the worst cases,form a tendency to try and play NFL games. My friend was so ridiculed he departed to Singapore to avoid the ribbings.

The main reason for this is that goals scored on Pro Evo feel satisfying.

Another thing lacking with FIFA is its commentary. Although Pro Evo cannot claim to stimulate like a Charles Dickens novel or shock like Ron Atkinson,the phrases lost in translation from Japan turning almost crude (eg: “He spreads it round looking for an opening”) are easier on the ear than Clive and Andy randomly naming a few players here and there or McCoist’s trying to compare a Merseyside derby to when he was on A Question of Sport.

One thing that amazes me is how many sales FIFA can rack up for the same game. As well as FIFA2006, the same match engine has been repackaged as the ‘official’ Champions’ League and FIFAWorld Cup 2006 game,modes all available on the original 2006 title. Mind you,if fuckwits keep shelling out their cash for it then why bother working to improve it?

Overall,what Pro Evo lacks in official endorsement and graphics,it makes up for in playability and realism. You know you have got a good game when the things players do in real life start to remind you of things PE5 players do. Stuart Jewell

FIFA: Load of balls?

PROEVO: Bit of a faff?

SARAHINTHE CITY

Catherine Gee discusses relationships,family and future plans while on her London lunch date with Sarah Jessica

Despite her face being synonymous around the world with the name Carrie Bradshaw,Sarah Jessica Parker has been making films for 23 years. She started her first role in a major film in Footloose back in 1984 and has since been loved in Flight of the Navigator, Hocus Pocus, Ed Wood and Mars Attacks! Yet,all this was nothing compared to what would happen when she took on the role of New York columnist Carrie Bradshaw in the woman-led tour de force that was Sex and the City.

Now that the programme has finished its six season run,Ms Parker has been left to pick up her film career and carry on without the comfort of a regular job. “It’s been really scary leaving the show,” she says with surety. “This endless gypsy-like life where I am like the new kid at school all the time, which for some people is really easy, but for me it’s not. I don’t really like change and I like everything to be the same constantly,except I love being terrified.”

Despite finding the whole experience daunting she doesn’t feel it gets in the way of her choosing what roles to play. “I aim to do something new that seems challenging to me. I consider what story I haven’t told,what person I haven’t played. I like the idea very much of just trying to play characters I haven’t played before in unfamiliar environments alongside new people.”

In choosing the films to make,it would be easy to imagine that she has become typecast as her Sex and the City character,but Parker disagrees. “It’s up to me to make smart choices. I have plenty of opportunities and I have had plenty of chances to play a mediocre version of the story that we told for so long but I don’t really have an interest in that. I don’t think my character in Family Stone was anything like Carrie Bradshaw,I don’t think Paula [in Failure to Launch] is anything like Carrie Bradshaw and I don’t think the part I played in Spinning Butter is anything like Carrie Bradshaw. I feel very lucky at the moment.”

In Failure to Launch she stars alongside Matthew McConaughey as a woman hired by McConaughey’s par-

Parker

ents to make their 35-year-old son finally move out of their house. “I was actually quite concerned about the title,” Parker smiles.

It’s a common theme in romcoms that women enter into relationships with the belief that they can change the behaviour of the man they are seeing. “I would say that anyone who thinks they can really change another person,let alone a man,is slightly misguided. I have so many single women friends who date men who have big warning signs all over them and they really feel they are uniquely skilled in some way that they will be the person who finally fixes all these flaws. I personally find men far more complicated and interesting than that,” she adds with a flirty grin.

Aside from the film raising the ‘issue’ of Peter Pan syndrome,she still wants to offer her son the same kind of home comforts. “He already knows that when he’s married he’s supposed to come home every Friday no matter what his wife says and have dinner with me. We’ve already decided his wife’s name will be Mary.”

Should she find herself in the same situation,however,she will always have the DVD of this film to show him, though she feels that’s a little brash. “At the age of three it’s really hard for me to imagine letting him leave the house let alone forcing him out the door with a DVD of mine. It’s going to be a pretty tough pill to go out to the world and live in a studio apartment but that’s one of the beautiful challenges of being an adult and being independent. I can see why it’s very appealing to live at home but I would also say to somebody it’s equally thrilling to stand on your own and grapple with life’s complex and difficult situations.”

Such grown up situations meet us all in life and we always end up having to do something we don’t especially wish to do. In Parker’s career that situation is paintballing. “I’m boring,I guess. Matthew is very athletic. He’s really skilled,He’s a real outdoors person,I’m a real city person. But,you know,I got to do the paintballing and now I never have to do it again.”

BOOSH-WHACKED

Come with us now as Will Dean takes you on a journey through time and space with Noel Fielding,co-creator of The Mighty Boosh

Remember being a kid,when all you needed was your imagination and your Nan’s pots and pans to have a good time. Well that’s not a million miles away from the minds of Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding,co-creators of the absurdly brilliant stage,radio and TV Show, The Mighty Boosh.

Without a huge budget,or the promotion given to many other comedy shows,Barratt and Fielding have created an alternate world (a Zooniverse if you will) that takes you with it,be you young,youngish or very young.

“We have kids,aged like seven and eight who come to our show and absolutely love it,their parents come up to us and say ‘it’s their favourite thing in the world’. I remember when I was a kid I really liked freaky shows like Monkey Magic,” says Fielding,AKA Camden fashion pirate Vince Noir.

After performing,one way or another,for over a decade and two cult series on BBCs Two and Three,the Boosh are finally making the giant leap up to arena shows. Does this mean Fielding and Barratt (who you may remember as Dan Ashcroft in Nathan Barley) are as famous as their characters wish they were in the show? “Yeah,we had paparazzi outside our bus today. I didn’t even know

they reached Bournemouth. I looked like I’d just climbed out of a grave.”

Before the Boosh embarked on a huge tour,Fielding moonlighted in Graham Lineham’s The IT Crowd as a depressive goth. “It was quite different to what I usually do. I’ve got a definite goth streak – I’m not embarrassed to say. I’m bringing the goth back in a cool way. I enjoyed the goth in The IT Crowd because he was a bit more Marilyn Manson and a bit more freaky,he was horrible,” he giggles.

Most of his IT Crowd screen-time was spent with one of Fielding’s old pals - one Chris Morris. In it he presented Morris’s widowed screen mother a Cradle of Filth CD as a funeral gift. “Me and Chris were pissing ourselves. That old lady was great. I think if he (Lineham) does any more he’s going to get the character in a bit more.”

Back in the madcap world of the Boosh,Fielding,more often than not, looks like he is on the brink of a laughing fit. Does he struggle holding his chuckles back on stage? “I find the whole thing quite ridiculous. I find acting quite ridiculous. I get the giggles a lot so I’m often trying not to laugh – that’s my style now.”

So,Vince is a fairly bubbly and placid chap. Is there anything that

makes his also seemingly-calm alterego mad with rage? Fielding thinks for a few seconds before bursting out with something he’s obviously ranted about before. “Bands that are rubbish. Keane make me angry. Coldplay make me angry. I don’t like watery stuff. I’m quite extreme as a person, so I don’t like the mediocre. I like stuff with a bit of fire.”

You might be able to tell that from his shows. The Mighty Boosh features Noel dressing as a mad Brazillian drummer with eight willies called Spider (“My favourite character – he’s based on my uncle”),Howard (Barratt’s character) getting mistakenly sent to monkey hell instead of Vince’s gorilla pal Bollo,and more madness than Suggs in a loony bin.

Do they ever dismiss things for being a bit too silly? “We don’t really censor ourselves in that way.

“But a lot of people go (he puts on a silly voice): “‘It’s craaazy! You must be on drugs!’ And you just think,‘Is it that bland,the world,that our show is drug inducing?’”

Maybe it is,but at least the incomparable Boosh are there to save us from blandness.

The Mighty Boosh play the CIA on April 14 (029 2022 4488).Series two is now available on DVD.www.themightyboosh.com

Catherine Gee talks rap artists,actors and future plans with famed director

Spike Lee

AT h e i n s i d e m a n

s far as film directors go Spike Lee is something of a legend. He may be small in stature but his presence is by no means diminutive. When this man talks,people cling to his every word. His films have won accolades around the world and his seminal work Do The Right Thing,back in 1990,had a brief affair with an Oscar nomination. His latest release is The Inside Man,his first real foray into the action genre and is set during a bank holdup. Once again Lee teams up with Denzel Washington,their fourth time together,and casts Clive Owen as the bad guy. “With a star like Denzel you don’t dictate what role he plays,so I said ‘look there’s two roles in it,the bank robber and the good guy.’ So he said,‘Spike I want to be the cop because in the other role the guy’s face is covered up.’ Then it turned out when I gave it to Clive that was first thing he said ‘Spike I wanna do it but my face is going to be covered the whole movie.’” Fortunately Clive agreed to do the part anyway. He’d impressed Spike in a previous role he had played. “When I saw his role in Closer,that’s what cemented it. We needed a man that could stand up to the sort of man that Denzel was.”

Back in his youth,Lee’s films were

based around life in ‘the ‘hood’ and the ongoing tension that bubbles within it. He wrote about what he knew and the place he grew up. There’s a scene in The Inside Man where a young black kid is playing an extremely violent,gangster-based PSP game and Clive Owen’s character comments on its brutal nature. “I saw the ability for some social commentary in this film,” he says in his familiar,measured tone. “In reading the script I was looking for ways where I could slip stuff in. There is this boy and it would make sense for this young kid to have a PSP . So I found this young animation company and gave them this scenario of a game as ‘the most violent game ever’. They came up with the one you see in the movie. I love that line that Clive Owen says,‘I’m going to have to talk to your father about this game’.”

Indeed,though his films have always been accomplished works regardless of their subject matter,Lee seems to have grown up since his days of She’s Gotta Have It,multiple Nike endorsements and rubbing ice cubes over Rosie Perez’s naked breasts. He’s not impressed with the violent nature of much of today’s media. “In San Andreas [the Grand Theft Auto game] you get points for shooting prostitutes and cops,it’s

crazy. I think the film is being critical of things like that.”

His view also remains the same when it comes to music. “If my kids must listen to a gangster rap album they listen to a clean version. I don’t think any musician should be talking to them like that. The subject matter never changes; they’re just talking about being on MTV and being from the streets. Ten years ago you were talking about the same stuff so where is your growth as an artist? Before you were wearing gold,now you’re wearing platinum; before you were driving a Benz,now it’s a Bentley. It’s the same thing. That’s why I’m such a big Kanye West fan,there’s some content. I’m not saying he’s perfect,he loves the clothes and the cars and stuff but you can tell he spent some time on his music. How much time does it take to say ‘bitch ho,bitch’?

So,if 50 Cent isn’t his thing,what sort of music does Spike listen to? He’s quick to answer,“I got lots of stuff on my iPod. John Coltrane, Springsteen,Sinatra,Bob Marley, Stevie Wonder,the Spinners,Tribe Called Quest,Public Enemy.”

Yes,Spike Lee certainly is more grown up than he used to be. But fans needn’t fear,he still knows how to get that adrenaline racing.

WATCHTHISFACE

Hugh Dancy is currently being promoted as the next ‘one to watch’ hoping to follow in the footsteps of fellow Brits Clive Owen and Hugh Grant to a career that could rival any aspiring actor who was lucky enough to be born in LA.

For someone few people have heard of,Dancy’s working career has included films with Helen Mirren,Clive Owen, Keira Knightley,Jessica Alba,Brenda Blethyn and Bob Hoskins amongst others. But,considering his latest film is a starring role alongside John Hurt in the powerful Shooting Dogs,the 30-year-old actor from Stoke is rather laid back about it all. “I thought I would be star struck by John but he turned out to be distinctly unfrightening. I remember doing one tricky shot which was a continuous take that involved lots of extras running around and was all quite hard to choreograph so we did it about 15 times.

“But you know when you get it right you really feel a sense of satisfaction and I remember him singing Elvis songs and thinking that’s great that someone loves their job as much as that after a fairly substantial time of

doing it.”

The film itself is set in Rwanda during the genocide of the Tutsis. Dancy stars as a young teacher in a school which soon becomes both a military base and a refugee camp. “I wouldn’t say it was harrowing to film. Of course there were days that were more difficult and there were moments which, just because they were in Rwanda by definition you would hear some terrible stories. Day-to-day it’s a matter of working so you’re just concentrating on finishing the day’s shooting,it was only when I came back that I felt more like I had an emotional hangover. You finally have a chance to sit down and absorb what you’ve seen.”

Any film which deals with such powerful subject matter is automatically under great pressure to tackle it responsibly without undermining the struggle of those involved or falling into overdramatisation. “It’s a tricky subject to approach in any way but I think it’s really well balanced. You don’t see too much that you become desensitised to it even though it’s very clear what’s going to happen. I think also what I’m pleased with is it’s not trying to ram

home any political points. It’s just entertainment even if it is entertainment of a more thought provoking type.”

After finishing the shoot in Rwanda, Dancy then appeared briefly in his second Michael Caton-Jones film which,as something of a change,is Basic Instinct 2. “It was a contrast,though I was only there for three days. It was the same bunch of people from Rwanda,so one minute I was in the sub-Saharan desert and the next in the east end of London in a load of fetish gear.”

The idea of Dancy in fetish gear is surely something that will appeal to his legions of teenage fans who have sprung up on the internet,to which he admits he is “flattered”. He has a particularly kind demeanour which will win him many more as his fame grows, though he hasn’t had to deal with much of it directly yet. “I did get stopped the other day by a girl. She asked who I was and then she immediately ran out of things to say so she just said ‘Um… keep things up for British acting!’ It was very funny but actually really sweet.”

WORLD FOOD... A ROUGH GUIDE

USA Mexico

A SLOPPY JOE

BASICALLY BOLOGNAISE SAUCE IN BUN – GENIUS

(In cup measurements – convert as you so wish)

Eddie’s Diner in Mermaids Quay does an awesome cookie milkshake. Check out www.geocities.com/food- edge for handy hints – do not under any circumstances go into McDonald’s at any point in your life.

1 cup chopped onions

1 large green pepper

1 crushed clove garlic

2 tbsp oil

1lb minced beef

2 cups tomato sauce

1 tbsp chilli powder

1 tbsp soy sauce

1 tbsp sugar

4 burger buns

Salsa

Brown the beef. In a separate pan,sauté the onion,pepper and garlic. Add beef and rest of ingredients. Simmer for 20 minutes.

Spain

Tapas

Q: Er,what does Tapas mean?

A: Tapa means to cover or a lid. It originally referred to complimentary plate of appetis- ers that were put on top a glass of wine acting as lid. No longer complimentary these 'snackettes' have taken the nation by storm.

Here are some handy phrases to learn when ordering: Boquerones - small white fish fillets in oil

Albondigas - Meatballs in tomato sauce

Mexican cuisine is one of The richest and most varied in the world. Mexican food wouldn’t be Mexican food without the fire and spice of chillies.

4 large tomatoes, skinned and finely chopped

4 spring onions, finely chopped

1/2 tsp Chillies Crushed

1 clove of Garlic Crushed

2 tsp Coriander dried

1/4 tsp salt

2 tbs lime juice or lemon juice

Put it all the ingredients together and what have you got…..Salsa!

For some Mexican goodness, no Cardiff student can miss out on a Daiquiri’s dinner.

Ensalada de boca - Crabstick Salad

Callos - tripe with chickpeas (hmmm sounds delectable)

Gamba pil pil - prawns in a hot garlic oil

La Tasca in the Brewery Quarter does good tapas

Maura Brickell looks at some of the best food across the five continents - and where to get the next best thing in Cardiff

It’s not all raw fish and wasabi…

An Idiots’ Guide to Ordering Japanese

Gyoza - meat or vegetable dumplings

Korokhe - croquettes

Yakitori - grilled chicken

Tempura - deep fried seafood or vegetables

Udon - thick noodles

Soba - thin noodles

Okonomiyaki - pancake, pizza like thing

Nikujaga - meat and potatoes

Ramen - noodle soup

India

Japan

Check out forwww.bento.com/tf-recp.html more information and recipes. Or if you’re lazy… go eat at Zushi,140 Queen Street or Tenkaichi,236 City Road (proper awesome)

Cinnamon Rice

India has a has a vast range of spices that add completely unique flavours to dishes. Rice goes with any- thing,so try spicing things up with this

1lb Basmati Rice

4tsp veg oil

2 Cinnamon sticks

4 tbsp brown sugar

1/4 tsp ground cumin

Pinch of turmeric

1.. Heat oil in pan

2. Add cumin & cinnamon

3. Add turmeric, washed rice & stir for 2-3 minutes

4. Add boiling water.

5. Cook until water is evaporated. Add sugar and mix. Take off heat.

6. Cover rice for five minutes and serve.

Before you go getting all authen- tic,maybe visit The Spice Merchant Indian Restaurant. For Take Away try Spice Box. For more handy hints try: www.gadnet.com/recipes.htm

Indonesia

Combines the best bits of Thai,Indian and Chinese...

Cheat’s Peanut Sauce

1 small Onion

3 tbsp peanut butter

30g Dark Brown Sugar

1 tsp coriander

Half tsp cumin

1 stalk crushed lemon grass

1 tbsp lemon juice

1 tbsp groundnut oil

Coconut milk

Dice the onion,add to hot pan with oil. Cook until soft. Add all ingredients except coconut milk. Heat slowly. Add liquid as required to make it smooth.

www.indochef.com will help you out if you reckon you are cool enough to try cook- ing Indonesian yourself.

This week Travel takes you on a whistlestop tour around...

...South

Buenos Aires America

Rio de Janeiro

Brazil is famous for rainforests and beaches,sun and sex,but also for Rio De Janeiro.

Colonial boulevards run parallel to blackened back-streets,favelas crawl up the sides of hills,far from the beaches that have been immortalised in song. Hot evenings turn boarded-up houses into packed salsa clubs,full of exhilarating drumbeats and breathless dancing.

All of this is watched over in solemnity by Christ,standing on his sheer-faced podium,high above the city,his arms outstretched as if about to lift his soapstone body into soaring flight.

Rio is Brazil's crown,promising endless excitement,and endless danger. Looking down from Sugarloaf Mountain,the city seems to be interrupted by the humps of an enormous serpent's back,writhing and curving as it hits the land,pushing tall, smooth hills abruptly up from the surrounding earth.

The buildings struggle to climb the sides of these,and huddle,defeated,in the flat stretches between them. The city is trapped between mountains and sea in an aspect of slight surprise,while the serpent's tail disappears into the green ocean in a string of islands.

Definitive beach bodies fill Ipanema and Copacabana tanned and buff,the Brazilians play volleyball on these beaches that are famous more for the atmosphere

created by so much physical perfection than for their own aesthetics.

The beaches are unremarkable strips of sand,backed by hotels and clubs with neon-lights,but are pleasant to stroll along,stopping to drink coconut milk fresh from the fruit,or eat the sweet,buttered corn-on-thecob that is sold freshly steamed on all of Rio's streets.

The crime rate in Rio is one of the world's highest. Whilst wandering through the busy central streets,trying iced Acai,peering into the windows of elegant coffee houses and shopping in air conditioned malls,it is possible to forget this for a while, but a wrong turning can quickly lead you on to unfamiliar,deserted streets. Although only a few paces from the main roads,these can be frightening,especially in the dark.

During the day you can escape the city into the company of the 100-foot tall Jesus on top of Corcovado mountain,watching birds of prey circle above Rio's majestic setting.

Then at night you can become entangled in the dance lessons and nightclubs of the city's ferocious nightlife,and for a while you find yourself intoxicated by Rio.

Helen Thompson

The Belgian diplomat in San Pedro de Atacama had told me not to go to Buenos Aires. “It’s too European,” he said,“You might as well go to London or Paris.”

I didn’t listen to him and enjoyed nearly a week in the city. There is plenty to do in the city with the Eva Peron Museum,and the Cementario de Recolleta,an urban cemetery of Argentine elite and playground for the city’s huge cat population.

Whilst there we visited La Boca; economically poor but culturally rich with street art,public tangoing and, of course,the football team,Boce Juniors. It is a vibrant bohemian hub,its most distinct feature being the multicoloured buildings. Football is a way of life here and we thought it only right to witness Boca take a 10 win against Argentinos.

Whether tango would really play such a pivotal role in the city’s image were it not for tourist interest is debatable. Still,we felt compelled to visit the world famous La Academia Nacional Del Tango, where I picked up a full 27 steps and danced for hours with those who’d practiced for a lifetime,all for a staggering five pesos.

We ended our stay partying the night away with Argentine aristocracy in a dockside club to a strange mix of cheesy Latino pop and Bon Jovi. This club was so posh it cost a full 30 pesos to get in.

Buenos Aires stood out against other South American destinations as very European-feeling,from the cobbled streets and chess-playing OAPs of San Telmo to the bustling shopping metropolis of the Boardwalk of Levane.

I can safely say if you ever meet any Belgian diplomats you can ignore any travel advice they offer.

Matthew Nicholson

LA BOCA: City with a view

RIO: Jesus watches over the city

COPACABANA BEACH: Plenty of Brazilians

Chile

CHILE IS Akaleidoscopic landscape of mountains,desert,lakes,forests, vineyards,ice and,of course,beaches on the Pacific coast.

Santiago,the most temperate and tourist-friendly place in Chile,is located at the foot of the Andes mountains which act as a stunning backdrop to the Plaza Del Armas,the heart of the street life.

Public transport is frequent and direct,making Santiago’s various delights easily accessible. Not only is Santiago the cultural and economic centre,its central geographical placement ensures it is within close proximity to Chile’s best vineyards,ski resorts and beaches.

For the best snow in South America head for El Colorado or La

Bolivia

THE POORESTnation in South America stumbles from the highest points of the Andes with Chile,down to the Brazilian rainforests in the east.

It has most types of physical environment that exist,from salt plains to lakes. And if you think this doesn’t matter,then try not to voice your opinion too loudly near our tour guide in La Paz. “We used to have coast as well,” he said disappointedly,“until Chile took it away from us.”

When first entering La Paz,the view of buildings between the high peaks is remarkable. At night,all you can see are the lights of houses clinging to the near-vertical peaks.

Everything in Bolivia happens on the street. La Paz is packed with market stalls and hawkers,with aisles of women in their blankets selling just one or two foodstuffs each,amidst all this you will find cooks making chicken and potatoes for the local workers.

As the oxygen depletion will quickly make you realise,La Paz is the highest capital in the world,however it is nothing compared with many other Bolivian towns. Potosi is over 4,000 metres up,but with its silver mine is one of the country’s most significant settlements.

Tours of the mine are available for just a few pounds,but it’s a trip that has the weight of history weighing heavily on it - over eight million have died in the mines in the past 300 years.

Parva,where ‘champagne-snow’ falls between June and September. If the surf is more your thing,good but cold waves are found along the majority of Chile’s coast all year round. The best beach breaks are found near Pichilemu,which hosts the annual National Surfing Championships.

Traditional food varies across the country but sweet corn and potatoes are staple ingredients. Seafood and fish are also popular. As for drink, Pisco sour is the nation’s favouritea 35% alcohol potent drink made from tangy brandy,soured grapes, lemon juice and sugar.

Due to its hot climate and Spanish influence,nights out in Chile kick off well after midnight. Girls also dress fairly modestly on nights out and

The day before I visited fifteen miners had died. It’s certainly something that any visitor should do,as you are providing them with money. But the feeling of guilt is still hard to shift.

The guilt only really sets in after you’ve left the mines. Whilst there, you’re more likely to be fearing for your continued existence. Some dark, deep crevices that were only navigable by planks brought out my best Indiana Jones moments. The 30 metre drops could only be taken by hand-operated winches,and are well designed for the tiny Quechan miners but not for six foot four visitors.

In the depths of the mine a dark, cramped chamber was adorned with streamers and balloons everywhere, with the focus on two terrifying stone statues. It was a devil-worshipping ceremony intended to keep the miners safe (although there are eight

compensate for a lack of alcohol with Latino style dancing. In the holidays, many clubs on the coast remain open till 6am and empty themselves onto the beaches where people await the sunrise and sleep till lunchtime.

Ellie Bilton

million people who might like to contest its effectiveness),complete with coca-smoking and dynamite explosions. The guide assured us that it was taken very seriously by the miners. The looks on the miners’ faces, enjoying free coca,said otherwise.

Still,it certainly isn’t the only place to end up in unexpected situations in Bolivia. The journey into Uyuni saw stunning canyons,mountain passes and abandoned towns and the largest salt plains in the world. The perfect white plains stretch out over land the size of England,but are so flat that you can see the mountains that mark out the edge of all the sides. The day-long Landie tours across the plains were driven by kamikaze locals who know the plains like the back of their hands. Our driver merrily stopped in the middle of the plains,to get out and hack up perfectly cubic salt crystals from the lake under the salt,a moment later they’d be driving around on the salt without a risk of falling in.

In the middle of this barren environment,is an island of giant cacti. The sight of perfectly laid out picnic tables,complete with gingham table cloths,in the middle of a cacti island is one that won’t leave me in a hurry. Bolivia is deeply different from the Westernised states around it. There’s something of a doomed inevitability of the country falling prey to market forces. But for now,its native spirit makes it an adorable place to visit. Andrew Mickel

CHILLY: The Chile surf

SPIKY: Cacti on the salt plain

Machu Picchu The Amazon

Getting stuck in a small blockade,on a long and bumpy road to the Ecuadorian jungle wasn’t a good start to our Amazon experience – things could only get better.

When we finally arrived at our jungle destination we travelled by a narrow,motorised canoe to reach our lodge and en-route passed Amazonians,carrying mahogany planks on their heads with the aid of moonshine (an extremely potent form of alcohol).

Our accommodation consisted of wooden cabins,camping areas and a main cabin where meals were eaten. All the buildings were beautifully constructed and there was even a viewing tower for gazing across the tree-tops.

The highlights of our stay included a midnight hike for which we were supplied with wellies to protect us against weird and wonderful creatures. We walked across uneven terrain and through vines and undergrowth until our attention was drawn to a freshwater stream containing shrimp. Not quite the wildlife we expected to encounter in the Amazon rainforest.

The next night we were introduced to a midwife who told us about about the medicinal properties of Amazonian plants. She demonstrated what plants,herbs and liquids would be used during childbirth in the Amazon.

We were then offered the chance to have our auras read and cleansed,though sceptical,I thought,why not? However my scepticism failed to lessen when my face was sprayed with alcohol from her mouth and smoke was wafted round my body to cleanse my aura. Hmm...

My main memory of our stay in the Amazon is being isolated in an idyllic part of the world surrounded by foliage,tropical flowers and the cries of jungle animals.

Suze

Attaway

Machu Picchu is the most alluring archaeological site in the Americas. The Inca trail tours begin from Cusco,and since the government imposed an entry limit of 200 tourists per day, tours need to be booked well in advance.

At Dead-Woman's Pass,the highest point of the trek,you can bury coca leaves beneath a pyramid of stones as an offering to the earthgod,then look back at the path you have just climbed,surrounded by snow-topped peaks that rise in a jagged patchwork as far as you can see.

Hundreds of stone steps wind up and down the mountains,towards the Sun Gate,and the entrance to Machu Picchu. The tour reaches Machu Picchu at sunrise on the fourth day,and gives one of the most photographed views in the world.

Densely vegetated slopes descend on either side of the ruins to the fast-flowing Urubamba river that whips round the bottom of the peak in a hairpin bend.

Here dwelt high priests and the virgins of the sun,in a city that was mainly dedicated to sun-worship and astronomical observation.

As Machu Picchu was a sacred city,only priests and royalty made the pilgrimage,keeping the city largely a secret even before colonial times. The Spanish never discovered

MACHU PICCHU: 39 Steps?

the site,and it was not until 1911 that American Hiram Bingham stumbled on the overgrown ruins with the help of a local farmer.

The incredible imagination and architectural skill of the Incas is abundantly clear when walking through the lofty ruins.

Many of the structures are aligned with the sun during the solstices, and the entire city employs the finest Inca masonry; the walls are cut and fitted together without mortar,and flights of steps are carved out of single enormous blocks of granite. How the Incas moved these stones here remains a mystery,as do many other details of this remarkable site. It is fascinating to stand amongst the tangible relics of a history that left no written records,and that will forever remain opaque.

Helen Thompson

By Andrew Mickel Travel Correspondent

SB A C K P A C K E R

SOUTH AMERICA

Welcome to Backpacker. Each fortnight we provide an insight into top backpacking destinations. Every issue we will let you know which location will be featured in the next edition of Quench. Travel needs you to text/email any tips you have for the next destination. It could be anything from the best campsite,the best place to visit,or which bus takes you to the most beautiful beach.

outh America,if you hadn’t noticed,is rather large. This week’s Backpacker takes in just a thin strip of this diverse continent,from Southern Brazil,to Argentina and to Chile.

Rio de Janeiro is a great place to start exploring South America. Be sure to take in all of Brazil’s stereotypes,including the beautiful people down on Ipanema and Copacobana beaches,to walking tours of the favelas. If you want to see the city in full carnival spirit in February,book hostels in advance; although the north is where the real carnival action happens,in Salvador.

But even if you only have a few hours in Rio you can still take in the best views of the city from Sugar Loaf Mountain and Christ the Redeemer. Get around both by haggling for a taxi tour at either site,as it’s much cheaper than trying to do your own thing.

Further inland,the Pantanal wetlands proudly boast a higher diversity of flora and fauna than the Amazon. From the anteaters to the toucans and from the millions of caiman (think miniature alligators) to the howler monkeys,the place literally crawls with nature. Take the chance to go horse riding,canoeing,piranha fishing

IS:

as well as swimming with our fleshhungry friends,before getting the best night’s sleep you will probably ever experience in the hammocks they provide. As it’s in the middle of nowhere,you are best off Googling the Pantanal to find the most suitable plan for you; but at about £70 for several days,it is completely unmissable.

Iguazu Falls marks the border between Brazil,Argentina and Paraguay. Take a trip to Paraguay from Brazilian Foz de Iguazu to top up the passport and get cheap electronics, and get up close with the friendly toucans and hummingbirds at the local bird park.

With virtually no trains in South America the coaches are reliable, regular, and better than most of our airlines. You can head out of Salta and into Chile at a rate of about £1 an hour - compare local bus offices to get a good deal.

The real star attractions are the waterfalls. There are 275 in all,and anyone who has been to both Foz and Niagara Falls attests to the fact they leave their northern neighbours in the shade. The Brazilian side is great for the long-distance views,and if you can afford to splash out then take a helicopter ride over them (£40). But the best way to see them is to cross the border into Argentina and get up close and wet in the Devil’s Mouth (£20 for a zodiac boat tour).

Whilst in Argentina,head to either Buenos Aires or Salta. Forget Brazil; the real beautiful people of the continent are here,and they know how to party. Bars and clubs don’t open til late,but go on all night. By day, Salta is a great base to head off white water rafting,and a fantastic site to go paragliding from.

Be sure to use the Backpackers Hostel (£4 a night),a great place to meet others at their barbeques,

before heading to local legendary bar Barneys. With the fantastic local wine less than 70p a litre,don’t expect to escape Argentina sobre.

The central town of San Pedro de Atacama is geared towards the tourist trade so you can pick a tour into the desert that suits you. If you have plenty of money left then head up to the geysers and hot springs.

Any visit,though,has to take in Death Valley and the Valley of the Moon,with jagged rocks and deathly drops spectacular enough to live up to their names.

One place that isn’t mentioned in the guidebooks but was shared by a local in exchange for some voice recordings - after heading north of the town to take in the old Inca fortresses,head behind the mountain to find figures and arches carved out of the mountainside,guarding some sort of cave systems. Be sure to leave plenty of time to head down to Santiago as Chile is deceptively long (about a 36 hour bus ride). As a very Western city, it’s pricey but a good way to start easing your way back into home life. Book in at Hostal Forestal which is both cheap and nicer than most hotels I’ve ever stayed in, before taking in the continent’s best shopping.

Don’t miss

Try river snorkelling in Bonito to see local marine life up close (check into the town’s YHA and get a bus out for a £15 day trip).

WET: Iguazu Falls

HERNAME

Rio de Janeiro

Cardiff’s music mafia

Napoleon Solo puts his life on the line for you to get all the info on two of Cardiff’s underground gig promoters...

To all intents and purposes music is an art form,and as with film,literature,photography and the like,a fair amount of personal exploration is required in order for it to provide you,the supposed art lover,with the most enriching experience.

Music is also big business and it would seem that in this day and age, art of a genuinely high quality created to challenge our idle little brains and

big business do not mix well.

There is a temptation,that is not altogether unreasonable,for creators of music to satisfy demand,sell some records,make some cash and be happy as Larry (whoever he is).

It’s not all like this though. There are enough interesting people in the world who produce a wealth of weird, wonderful,untapped music,and plenty of people fighting against the odds to get it heard alongside the corpo-

My Kung Fu is a small record label created by ex-Cardiff University students John Rostron and Carl Morris (both pictured) after meeting in the Cathays based ‘Twat Bar’,now the Italian Restaurant Amalfi,and chewing the cud about damn good records. Two years on (almost exactly,keep your eyes peeled for a birthday bash) and it boasts a homely office in the Coal Exchange and a gig promoting arm: Forecast.

Created,nurtured and tenderly loved by the third member (also called Carl) in the MKF mixer,Forecast was born from the aforementioned lifegiver’s annoyance at the crap music that was ‘more about being hip than taking risks,’ bandying about in Cardiff.

A year on and they can boast Devendra Banhart,the Go! Team and the upcoming Mogwai gig at the Coal Exchange as their own,but more than these relatively big shows,Forecast offer an opportunity,as John says,

rate juggernaut that is the music industry.

In our very own Cardiff there are people who dedicate a portion of their lives to this cause and a small, growing community is developing in the Cardiff ‘underground’ who are doing their best to get new and interesting music from all over the world played whenever possible.

Good people,doing a good thing, for a good cause. Good.

“Not go to the Union… get to know your town,go to somewhere you’ve never fucking been,go and see a band you’ve never fucking seen.” Live a little,as they say.

Their shows are not your average shows either,whether it be a buffet at Canton Labour Club to accompany Euros Childs,or the Hawk And A Hacksaw’s leader playing an accor-

“Go somewhere you’ve never fucking been,go see a band that you’ve never fucking seen

dion,a gong,two cymbals and a bass drum by himself as well as singing and wearing a hat with bells on. Keeping people interested and not letting it go stale are on the agenda. Do something a little bit different to stand out from the beige. Fuck the beige,no-one likes beige.

They can’t do all this on their own mind and a co-operative venue or

loads can create a ‘you scratch my back…’ styley community,and everyone’s a winner. The Buffalo Bar for example (“The best thing to happen to Cardiff in ages”),Clwb Ifor Bach, The Point and The Coal Exchange - all good people,offering a helping hand and trying as best they can to keep prices down. Not the Barfly though,oh no,but more about that later.

People like this are what we need, it’s what I need,they make everything better. They make having a bad day okay because at least I’m going to see a weird band that no-one has ever heard of,and unless they’re really, really shit I’ll enjoy it. One is adding to a repertoire,challenging one’s self, relishing in the personal exploration; shows like these cannot fail to create a conversation starter,none of this ‘they played everything I expected,’ or ‘they did that at their last show’.

Think about it,music is their lives, in these people you can trust. Even if you hated it,at least you know. Hate is an underrated emotion anyway.

L-R: Carl Morris,John Rostron,Adam Workman and Noel Gardner

The screaming counterpoint to Forecast’s dulcet tones, Lesson No. 1 have been tearing Cardiff apart from the inside for nigh on two years now. Noel,Adam and Louis have brought destructive noise raining down on Cardiff’s seedy underbelly and it would appear that some of it has stuck, gestated and grown into a bubbling subculture of Cardiff’s coolest. This is Lesson No. 1,and a fucking good lesson it is too.

L#1 began under the banner of Plan B magazine (Everett True’s excellent vessel arisen from the embers of Careless Talk Costs Lives) putting on ‘different’ gigs across Cardiff’s many and varied venues. They even found venues where the less adventurous amongst you may have thought there were none (Newport’s Le Pub and upstairs at Dempsey’s for a start).

It was only natural that they become their own entity,with no more specific an aim than to carry on doing the stuff they’d been doing, with more good bands giving more people a chance to see more music they would never normally get a

chance to see,and to discover this bizarre subculture they might never have thought existed. It would seem that people like it too: “I'm pressed to remember too many flop shows we've had, and the fact we keep seeing the same faces coming back reflects that,” said Louis,one third of this illustrious team.

LIGHTNING BOLT

Inspired by Rhode Island label Load Records and its dedication to all things visceral,cheap and exciting,they have brought us some of the world’s weirdest and most wonderful acts. From Italian-freejazz-spazcore three piece Zu to Brighton-based happyhardcore nutcase DJ Shitmat,via many different stops along the way. These three gents have been busy building brilliant bills and creating a community Cardiff can be proud of.

The hub of Lesson No. 1 these days is their blog,where you can find details of all upcoming shows along with information about most of the bands and an archive of all past events. It is obsessively maintained with links to bandsites,messageboards,labels and more,and states

What’s in Lesson Number One’s ears?

N OEL G ARDNER

1.Pearls & Brass - The Indian Tower

2.Todd - Todd Comes To Your House

3.Zanderhoof - Demo

4.Cerberus Shoal - The Land We All Believe In

5.Ebola - Reflective Shots

AD AM W ORKMAN

1.Some Girls - Heaven’s Pregnant Teens

2.The Mae Shi - Do Not Ignore The Potential

3.Roots Manuva - Alternately Deep

4.Racebannon - Satan’s Kickin’Yr Dick In

5.Mogwai - Mr. Beast

APRIL 15: Some Girls/ Andtheywillriot! Clwb

APRIL 21: Ramesses/Sourvein Clwb

MAY 21: Lightning Bolt/ Volcano! The Point

Websites

you need...

! lessonnumberone.blogspot.com ! weareforecast.com ! myspace.com/mykungfurecordings ! cardiffunderground.com ! southwalesmassive.com ! epic.com ! clique2.7.forumer.com ! chokecentral.co.uk

APRIL 2: Mogwai Coal Exchange

APRIL 4: Little Wings/Viking

Moses Buffalo Bar

APRIL 18: Akron : Family/Baby

Dee Buffalo Bar

MAY 19: Tunng/Soft Hearted Scientists Clwb

JUNE 6: Ariel Pink/Belong Buffalo Bar

beneath the title that they have been ‘proudly functioning without a fucking Myspace account since 2004.’ How devilishly counter-culture and punkrock.

Fuck the Barfly,they don’t even know; they think they know,but they don’t EVEN know. This is about Dempsey’s,Le Pub,Clwb,The Point, The Toucan (RIP),Buffalo Bar,the Coal Exchange… and so on. This is about learning,not money; about passion,not commerce. This is about you. This is about thrusting magnificent music your way and not even charging you for the pleasure (well,not a lot,anyway).

What’s in Forecast’s ears?

JOHN R OSTR ON

1.Zail - Demo

2.FTSE100 - Demo

3.Serena Maneesh - s/t

4.Televise - songs to sing in A and E

5.The 1990s - tba

CARL MORRIS

1.Scientist - Meets The Space Invaders

2.We Are Trees - See You Later

3.Camera - Ashes And Dim Light

4.Bo Hansson - Music Inspired by LOTR

5.Cursor Minor - Hair Of The Dog

CarlRylatt

John Rostron

Carl Morris

LouisPattison

Noel Gardner Adam Workman

Tired of feeling awkward on the dance

floor? HelenThompson

goes on a mission to unearth

Cardiff’s dance culture. P u t o n y o u r d a n c i n g s h o e s

Dancing is man’s most enduring form of expression and entertainment. Primitive dances concerned the changes that people experience in life - changes in seasons,age and through tribal conflict. These evolved into distinct forms,for celebration of special events and for magical or religious purposes.

The first choreographers were the medicine men who used dance to invoke the powers of God to end famine or cure the sick. All was coupled with a rhythmic beat provided by the dancers themselves or by primitive instruments.

This beat has reverberated through the ages,and the dances that complement it have modulated and adapted,from ritual tribal dances to European court dances and modern fashions like rock 'n' roll and street jazz. Go into a club now,though,and there are none of the intricate steps and routines that crazes like jive and swing made so popular.

Getting sick of the uneasiness that the combination of soberness and a dance floor inevitably created for me,I decided to rediscover the art of dancing. Non-dancers would be surprised at the proliferation of classes on offer in Cardiff; every day of the week you could be learning a different kind of dance,from Breakdance to ballroom.

The DanceSport club is a good way

Salsa O’Neill’s

SALSA EMERGEDfrom a blend of Mediterranean style with African drumbeats in a South American setting,making it a relaxed but exciting dance that looks fast and sexy. It’s a sociable dance,and the man is expected to learn to lead well enough to be able to link together intricate steps on the spot to create a routine that his partner can follow.

Salsa is one of the city’s latest crazes - there's a class somewhere in Cardiff every night,and everyone seems to be doing it. Unfortunately this includes overweight old men attempting to recapture their youth, which is fair enough until the teacher makes you switch partners. There's something slightly disturbing about

of getting into dance,not least because you're guaranteed not to have to dance with anyone who's having a mid-life crisis. Ballroom is often stigmatised as archaic and irrelevant; while it's true that you won't really be able to show off your slow foxtrot next time you're out in town,it’s still enjoyable to learn.

Anyone who saw Strictly Come

wiggling your hips in their presence, but some of them surprise you by being the best dancers in the room, and therefore the most fun to dance with.

Salsa's a good dance to start with because the basics are easy,and you can learn something that looks impressive relatively quickly. It's also practical,as plenty of places play salsa music,so you can go to a club and have fun showing off your new skill.

Dancing will know that ballroom is elegant and graceful when it's done right,which takes considerable skill because it's such a strict discipline. Believe it or not,waltz was once considered risque,and was banned by the German church in 1760,because it was considered that the couples danced indecently close together.

Just a little Salsa

TCapoeira Talybont

hese classes start off with the basics in waltz and quickstep, which can be perplexing to begin with,but if you persevere it doesn't take long to learn an entire routine. Latin involves mainly cha and jive,with jive being everyone's favourite because you feel like you're in Dirty Dancing.

It's fast and exciting,and is always danced last at competitions because it exhausts the competitors. After a while,you can progress to learning other dances including paso doble, rumba and tango. The best thing to do in the meantime is watch the experienced dancers,whether it is the University’s best couples or the professionals on TV,this gives you something to practise and aim for.

Capoeira is possibly stretching the definition of dance,as it's officially a martial art complete with belts and white suits,but it's non-combative and gave rise to breakdance. It originated amongst African slaves in Brazil,and involves a battle between dancers who cartwheel and kick at each other,avoiding each other's limbs to produce a beautiful symbolic dance.

Similarly to breakdance,it does require a lot of strength and stamina; I managed to pull at least four muscles,so remember to warm up well. Starting off is slow,as you have to remember to kick,avoid your part-

Break The Gate

DON'T PLANanything that involves movement the day after your first Breakdance class. It's not so much a dance as a full body workout that makes you ache for days. Also, don't mention it to your friends until you're pretty good,because they will undoubtedly insist that you spin on your head every time you show your face in a club.

After a quick warm up you begin learning the basic floor work. Sixsteps are easy enough,but after a while I was struggling,because this requires a great deal of balance and upper body strength. Freezes general-

ner's kicks and try to look graceful at the same time. Any other martial art experience is quite helpful,but you spend a lot more time upside down in capoeira than you do in most martial arts.

Don't be put off by the show at the end of the lesson,where everyone sits in a circle and watches people ‘play’ against one another. You don't have to participate in your first lesson,and it's fun to watch the others

ly entail supporting your entire weight on one hand and locking your elbow or shoulder in place to stop yourself collapsing. It takes a lot of practise, but it's momentous when you finally hold a freeze for five seconds before collapsing to the floor, with your fellow beginners applauding all around you. I got to do headstands too,something I haven't done since I was about nine,and which I took a lot of childish pleasure in. What baffles me,though,is how you link it all together and keep in time with the music. I think you need to be pretty cocky to make this look cool. Also, take a shiny jacket,you'll need it to get your back-spins going.

battling to the accompaniment of singing and traditional instruments such as the berimbau,a single string bow with a gourd at the bottom, drums,tambourines and bells,which all combine to create a ritualistic atmosphere. Everyone tells you it's good for you to start early,as this is what capoeira is all about.

There are plenty of other dance classes to be found in Cardiff,including hip-hop at Park Place and Argentine tango in Morganstown. It's worth looking out for adverts for courses that come and go as well. Dancing has got to be one of the most enjoyable forms of exercise,as it's sociable,graceful and diverse,attracting all types of people. Whatever dance you're interested in, there will be a teacher not far away to instruct you,and before long you’ll be a natural on the dance floor.

CAPOEIRA: But what’s the girl on the right looking at?

LoveVogue Why I

In Vogue we trust.Perri Lewis on why she loves the original fashion bible

“That’ll be £3.40 please.” So I give over a handful of change.

In the luxurious world of fashion, £3.40 is pennies. But that £3.40 can get you something priceless in a British newsagents.

Vogue was,is and forever will be the world’s leading fashion magazine. In its many localised publications, Vogue has graced the shelves in over 40 countries for over 50 years. It dictates what is in fashion and who is in fashion; it has the power to change the fortunes of any rising star or established fashionista. It is for this,along with many other reasons,that I will never stop buying Vogue.

Flick through the pages of any one of 14 international editions and you will see the future of fashion staring right back at you. From the mini sections at the front showcasing next season’s must-have bags,coats,jewels and shoes,past the sneaky glimpses of what’s been tried and tested by the fashion elite,to the always-decadent,never-plain 12-page shoots detailing every cut and finish

of the latest looks, Vogue consistently predicts,and helps to create the looks we all want to have.

Despite spawning a plethora of similar fashion magazines like Cosmopolitan and Elle,no other publication has ever done this so well, nor been so close to the frontline of fashion: the vision of Vogue’s stylists,editors and writers never ceases to amaze me. On first look I often reel back in horror at the styles they champion,questioning whether such peculiar or extreme designs will ever catch on. But they almost always do and six months,or even a year later, you will always,always see Topshopstyled teens and Chloe-inspired twentysomethings parading down high streets all over the world imitating the outfits you saw on Vogue’s pages so long ago.

But the wonder of Vogue isn’t just that it offers such a confident and definitive insight into the next fashion era,it is that it does so in such an exciting way. The magazine, with its hundreds of glossy pages,is always bursting with rich,luxurious

colour and texture. Every page is exquisitely designed and most of the photography would not look out of place in a modern art gallery. This forces you to look at clothes in a different light; it forces you to see the clothes they showcase as the pieces of art that they are.

Broadsheet fashion critics may be able to craft wonderful articles that describe the latest cuts,designs and colour,but even when they do add the odd photo to their story,they will never be able to fully recreate the world of fashion. The thin news paper that their pieces are printed on can never fully capture the lavishness of that world like Vogue’s glossy pages can.

This is why Vogue became an institution within the fashion world. Its success,although partially dependant on the team of talented stylists, editors and journalists,has come from the fact that buying Vogue is not like buying any other fashion magazine or reading any fashion section in a newspaper.

You don’t buy Vogue because it gives you realistic fashion advice or because it has any real practical use to your life. You buy it because it captures the lavishness of the fashion industry and lets you into a world that you will never know but will always aspire to. For less than four pounds you can travel to a place where everyone is beautiful,their skin never ages and their stomach-hugging underwear never shows.

The fact that most of the magazine is filled with advertisements adds to this experience. Although Vogue is often criticised for the large amount of space it dedicates to advertising,I do not believe that this is a bad thing for the reader. Beautifully-designed adverts for brands like Louis Vuitton,Cartier and Marc Jacobs blend in seamlessly with the rest of the magazine and offer just as much of an insight into the latest looks as the editorial pages do.

You buy it because it captures the lavishness of the fashion industry and lets you into a world that you will never know but will always aspire to...

“

Unfortunately,despite my rave review,I cannot describe Vogue as the perfect fashion magazine: its stance on the use of fur in fashion is appalling. American Vogue editor Anna Wintour firmly supports its use,and, like many other Vogue editors around the world,has been known to fill fashion shoots with garments made of all types of fur. Vogue’s world-wide backing of the barbaric trade prevents the industry from dying away and paves the way for more designers to use fur and more of the fashion elite to wear it.

However,despite the fact that my vegetarian conscience niggles at me whenever I pick up a copy,I will never stop buying the magazine. It is a truly great fashion magazine. It captures the spirit of the fashion industry,predicts its future and,when I flick through my old copies in many years time,it will document its history. All for a mere £3.40 a month.

by Clare Hooker

Illustration

INREVIEWSTHISWEEK

!"Edward Scissorhands - the ballet in Arts !"A tour extravaganza with the Go! Team,the Automatic and Morning Runner ! Digital go to the Movies ! Snakes. On. Planes - YES. !"Tony Soprano goes tenor in John Turturro’s Romance & Cigarettes ! There’s a love story about,you guessed it,rape in Books ! Film go Shooting Dogs ! And in Backchat... Hendrix versus Page

OINSIDE MAN

Dir: Spike Lee

Starring: Denzel

Washington,Clive Owen,Jodie Foster

Out 24/03,123 mins

from each other whilst high ranking policemen try to stop them. There are no underdog heroes in the film but, aside from the opening music,there would be no cause to expect it.

Review Of The Week

a role.

ne suspects this is going to be one of those films that causes division amongst critics,and possibly audiences too. If you're a Spike Lee fan or feel that the highs sufficiently outweigh the flaws then you're onto a winner. But,like it or not,this film is flawed.

Spike Lee it may be but a Spike Lee Joint,as a definition of a subgenre,it is not. Gone are the poor neighbourhoods and the pizza parlours. Gone are the biopics of high achieving African-Americans. Spike Lee has made an action film complete with twists and fast-talking cops.

The film opens with a drive-through of New York streets set to Indian hiphop with beats heavy enough to get the pulses racing. This may excite the audience and is a very effective piece of music to use but as the film continues we realise that it doesn't quite match the tone of the film. It invokes ideas of racial disputes or explosive street scenes but none of these happen because Inside Man is about middle class people trying to steal money

Denzel Washington returns to work with Lee for the fourth time as the slightly-corrupt-yet-good-guy cop put in charge of bringing down a Wall Street bank heist. He gives a typically steady performance with his trademark of 'saying powerful things at a high volume' in full use and working order.

As another British actor currently rampaging his way through the American film industry,Clive Owen gives a scene-stealing performance as the eerily calm head bank robber. It seems the old tradition of British actors playing the bad guys will never die as,quite plainly,they're just better at it.

Of course,this is no simple bank robbery,as the plot soon unfolds. The exquisitely-rich bank owner,played by veteran Christopher Plummer,is panicked by the presence of some damning materials about him which have been lying in a safety deposit box for 60 years. Not wishing to see his good name sullied he calls upon tough 'fix it' girl Madeline White to rectify the problem. Being a 'Spike Lee Joint', any actor who is called upon to do their duty responds without question and the natural choice for this role is, of course,Jodie Foster who happily seizes the opportunity to glam up for

All parts of New York society get a mention and the cast come in the form of just about every colour and creed available. Although this feels at times contrived,it is refreshing to see a Sikh get a role in a film after the Muslims seem to have been hogging the limelight for so long. These wide representations are kept wisely light and Lee narrowly avoids the easy option of coming across preachy.

Similarly,Lee knows what to avoid when making films and his mantra of 'avoid formula at all costs' is mostly present here. This aversion of cliché makes Inside Man all the easier to watch and plays its part in smoothing out the flaws.

The main fault with this film is certain,rather large plot holes which rear their heads. Why precisely the bank owner would choose to keep such damning material in his bank rather than giving it a good solid destroying many years ago is never answered along with a proper explanation of how on earth the robber pulled off the heist in the first place.

Essentially, Inside Man is a good film. Its plot reveals slowly without the tempo unravelling and the characters are all three dimensional and well written. A lack of real action may turn away certain hardcore genre fans but if you can ignore certain niggling parts of the plot then there's plenty to like.

Catherine Gee

Hiss-tory in the making

JohnWiddop gives us a preview to the most hotly anticipated bad film in years, Snakes on a Plane

With the exception of seeing just how miscast Philip Seymour Hoffman is in Mission Impossible: 3,none of this year’s mega-buck summer blockbusters,which also includes yawnfest sequels Superman Returns and X-Men 3 are raising more than even a dot of interest anywhere other than deep inside the murky depths of Hollywood studio execs’ wallets.

It seems,in a year dominated by spectacularly unnecessary sequels (Single White Female 2,anyone?) pointless remakes (The Poseidon Adventure. With Kurt Russell!) and unfunny TV adaptations (Mmm,doesn’t that Dallas adaptation with John Travolta and Lindsey Lohan sound good?) that the big-wigs literally don’t have a clue what anybody wants to watch anymore,least of all themselves.

There is,however,a solution to all our problems. Snakes on a Plane Currently riding on the biggest internet buzz since The Blair Witch Project. Snakes on a Plane,in a bizarre, almost peverse,kind of way,has created itself the unlikely niche market of being a cult hit almost six months before its release. So what is it?

The idea was conceived in late 2004. The ridiculous premise,made beautifully obvious from the title,is that a large box of snakes is opened whilst an aircraft is in flight and lots of people get terrorised. There is a

suspiciously implausible back story to this,but does anyone care? There are snakes. On a plane. And the film is called Snakes on a Plane. The second stroke of genius is the casting of Samuel L Jackson as Nelville Flynn, an FBI agent on the reptile-addled flight. Without Jackson,the TV bit-part B-movie cast would pretty much cement Snakes on a Plane into a Boogeyman-esque naff horror grave, but,as the story goes,the Pulp Fiction Oscar winner only agreed to be in the film because it was called Snakes on a Plane,and was about snakes being on a plane. Genius. At one point,the suits at head office

“ A film having to market itself on the basis that it’s crap is the making of cultdom

tried to change the name to the more sensible and grown-up Pacific Flight 121. Jackson himself led the uproar, and said in an interview with collider.com: “We’re totally changing that back. That’s the only reason I took the job - I read the title.” As scurrilous rumour would have it,some key cast members threatened a walk out, and so a big re-think went ahead.

In the mean-time,all the cheeseburger gobbling bloggers and netnerds caught wind of this frankly fantastic story; a multi-million dollar hor-

ror film being written,filmed,edited and produced,and now finding itself having to market itself on the premise that its crap,is the making of a cultdom.

Literally hundreds of blogs, myspace pages and mini-sites have been feverishly analysing every last detail slowly drip-fed from the studio. The revelation that Final Destination 2 (the stupidest entry in possibly the stupidest film franchise in history) director David R Ellis was at the helm was just the tip of the iceberg. Across the globe,songs are being written about Snakes on a Plane,you can already buy an entire wardrobe of Snakes on a Plane fashion,the film’s title has already sneaked into the English language as a replacement for ‘C’est La Vie’. The cross-cultural marketing these sites are creating for the film is immeasurable. The official site only opened two weeks ago; this,in the 21st Century,is now deemed to be an unveiling of the marketing ploy for a new movie. Not one person saw anything they hadn’t already seen Photoshop-ped,copied,put on a Tshirt and sold on eBay. In short, Snakes on a Plane has tapped into something inside a hell of a lot of people,and if this momentum continues,we could be looking at an artefact of cinema history,rather than just people being chased by snakes. Snakes on a Plane is due to open in August. Expect the sequel in 2008.

FILM NEWS

Spacey

HARNETT IS A CHAMP,AS IS JACKSON

Josh Hartnett and Samuel L. Jackson will star in Resurrecting the Champ, the Rod Lurie-directed drama where Hartnett will play a young reporter who finds a homeless man who he thinks is a famous former boxer. But the fighter,with whom he has developed a close relationship,proves not to be the former champ.

HOWARD GOES TO WAR

Ron Howard has just been announced to direct Last Man Home. The script is set just before Dubya started Gulf War two and follows a covert US military unit that is searching for an AWOL soldier in Iraq. This soldier is in turn looking for his brother,who went missing during Bush Sr's original war.

BEHIND THE SCENES WITH HOT FUZZ & SIMON PEGG

A surfing of the web has led us to find a behind the scenes look at Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg's new film Hot Fuzz. Funny walking.

BRUCE CAMPBELL RE: THE EVIL DEAD REMAKE!

BC has been heard to say Sam Raimi is too busy to think about a sequel. Instead the remake will be a reinvention sans Ash but with the Evil Book and modern day FX with an aim to make a flat out,scary-ass,un-rated horror film. Groovy.

STAR WARS AND INDY IV

George Lucas has approved an Indiana Jones IV script and the Star Wars TV show has been given the go ahead. Red Tails, Indiana Jones IV and a Star Wars TV all coming soon.

Campbell

The good kind,obviously. But Confetti most certainly looks an exciting prospect. See the Coming Soon box to see what we’re on about

Directors of horror films ignore that a film needs to have an engaging script... even any script would be good...

Poor horror

Out on DVD this for tnight: Guy X ! Saw 2 ! Flightplan ! Transporter 2 ! Everything is Illuminated ! Doom

Out at cinemas this for tnight: Inside Man ! Failure To Launch ! Romance and Cigarettes ! Hostel ! The Ringer

By Ryan Owen Film Editor

After watching PTA’s Magnolia for the first time in quite a while,I was awestruck at how amazing this film is. Not only is it intimidating for a wannabe filmmaker to watch how striking the aesthetic is and scene stealing these actors are but synonymously how irrevocably inspirational it is.

What follows is fact. As the frogs decidedly dropped in silhouette from the heavens in Magnolia,my cat Julius started to make a noise. I realised it wasn’t a response to the dying frogs but the noise of his contorting face as he embarked on a vomiting spree all over the floor. The goose-bumps had set in (from Magnolia) and I had to ignore the Weetabix-like smell taking over my living room. Ididn’t want him to spoil the moment. If that wasn’t enough my second cat Caesar was having his pleas to open the door largely ignored. This petulant refusal resulted in him peeing all over the door. Yes,I was literally sitting in piss and vomit but I was having the time of my life watching Magnolia

Starting to clean up I was under the impression that the cold gooey substance Ihad just stepped into was something I did not want it to be. However,I can safely say on this occasion I was relieved to find my foot,dripping solely in gravy.

I then decided to write a speech. “Some people say to me... Get out of my garden.” I said that.

Designed to get you sweating at the mere thought of their arrival:

Confetti (26/05/06)

Featuring just about every British sitcom star around at the moment this mockumentary is about a competition to find the country’s weirdest wedding,

The Devil and Daniel Johnston (05/05/06)

Music doc about a manic-depressive genius singer/songwriterartist. It’s good.

AND CIGARETTES: Worth about a tenor

DROMANCE & CIGARETTES

Dir: John Turturro

Starring: Kate Winslet

James Gandolfini, Susan Sarandon

Out 24/03,105 mins

reams,desire and self-delusion: these are all key elements in John Turturro’s third foray into directing,an ambitious musical-cumblack comedy set in Queens,NY. By turns touching,vulgar and funny, Romance and Cigarettes is frequently surprising,original and full of great ideas. But it’s the same old story,as a film possessing so much stylistic potential is let down by a lack of cohesion.

Nick Murder (James Gandolfini) is experiencing something of a mid-life crisis. He’s having an affair with a young Yorkshire redhead who sells ‘fuck bloomers’ from Agent Provocateur. Worse,his wife has found out and she’s not happy. A relationship characterised by self delusion,their marriage has hit rock bottom (think George and Martha in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?) and Nick feels sidelined and emasculated by his family. His neurotic spouse wants him out,and his three rebellious daughters have taken her side. Turning to the grotesquely sexual Tula (Kate Winslet),the film follows Nick’s subsequent journey to (yawn) discover his true feelings for his wife. So,what does he do? He bursts into song,of

course.

It’s hard to prepare yourself for the moment when Sopranos star,James Gandolfini,first loosens his vocal cords in a spectacularly camp bin-man dance some fifteen minutes into the film. This is black comedy with a difference,as the characters’ repressed emotions are released through music. Eddie Izzard jumps on the organ for Janis Joplin’s Little Piece Of My Heart, there’s a fireman singalong and,yes, Christopher Walken does get up and have a little dance (complete with umbrellas).

If you think that this sounds a little tacky,then you’re right. It’s kitsch,it’s camp and sometimes Romance and Cigarettes pulls it off. In the scenes where we witness a hiatus of emotion,it’s brilliantly melodramatic.

Gandolfini manages to portray the likeable adulterer with panache,and Steve Buscemi lives up to his legendary status by stealing pretty much every scene he’s in.

It’s a pity,then,that such attention to detail couldn’t have been applied to the whole film. Romance and Cigarettes thrives on its original exploration of a seemingly impenetrable gender divide,so it’s disappointing that the conclusion is so weak and predictable. It’s supposed to be tender and moving,but frankly,devoid of songs and any funny moments,the last half hour just drags. It’s almost like Turturro ran out of ideas and went for the safe option – a great pity, because this is an otherwise audacious film.

Ben Bryant

ITHE RINGER

Dir: Barry W. Blaustein

Starring: Johnny Knoxville

Out 24/03,94 mins

t always pains me to describe a film as average. It is such a grey, dismal,nothing word,it smoothes over both the good and bad in one convenient term. But, The Ringer unfortunately falls well and truly into that category.

A vaguely likeable Johnny Knoxville plays Steve,your classic spinelessbut-nice thirty-something man,working in a lifeless office job. Through a series of unfortunate events (not the movie… ho ho) he becomes heavily in debt,and cons his way into the Special Olympics to try and solve his financial worries. The plot unfolds with absolutely no originality,ticking the obvious boxes along the way (falls in love with girl,but he’s a fraud,girl finds out etc) but this was not its failing. Some of the ‘jokes’ in the movie were so poor I actually did laugh out loud. This wasn’t your purposeful ‘I know it’s bad and that’s why it’s good’ comedy,however,it was just unfunny material. On the other hand it really wasn’t all dismal. A large amount of the fellow special Olympians were played by actors with genuine mental diseases who really carried the film along with likeable,sympathetic performances. Will Hitchins

ROMANCE

THOSTEL

Dir: Eli Roth

Starring: Jay Hernandez,Derek Richardson,Takashi

Miike

Out 31/03,95 mins

hree backpackers in Amsterdam are told of a hostel in Eastern Europe where the women are all incredibly hot and have a taste for American men. When they get there, everything is too good to be true, the hostel is to die for.

“Hey Quentin,it’s me your best friend Eli Roth.”

“Hey Eli Roth,I was just thinking of how great Cabin Fever is.”

“Yes it is Quentin. Look I’ve been thinking,with all the recent hype around that rather grotesque film Saw II and the visceral Hills Have Eyes remake and of course my great film Cabin Fever behind me,maybe I should cash in on the trend and make another horror?”

“That’s such a good idea,you should make it really extreme,sexually transgressive and downright offensive… and put my name on the poster too,we can keep repeating it like the cockshots in Fight Club,then people will think it’s my film.”

“You would do that for me Quentin? You’re a legend… Well my idea is… you remember our trip to Holland together?”

“Amsterdam,how could I forget?”

“Well,remember the pimp-daddy we met that looked like a female Tom Cruise?”

“How can I forget,we spent the whole night…”

“Anyway Quentin,you remember when he said we could pay to do anything… What if we could pay to maim, torture and mutilate a human being?”

“That is cool Eli,über-cool.” Ryan Owen

RTHE THREE BURIALS OF MELQUIADES ESTRADA

Dir: Tommy Lee Jones

Starring: Tommy Lee

Jones,Barry Pepper

Out 31/03,121 mins

isking all to cross the mountainous Texas-Mexico border, immigrants search for a better life under the watchful eye and heavy hand of the US border patrol.

We are in modern cowboy country where for the most part life is windy, slow and uneventful,but where tensions are constantly bubbling under the surface. Tommy Lee Jones directs this compelling debut,and stars as the grizzled but good-natured cowhand Pete. When his young Mexican protégé Estrada is shot-dead,he suspects a cover-up,setting in motion a journey of reprisal,with an unbreakable determination to fulfill a fateful promise.

Like Guillermo Arriaga’s earlier screenplays for Amores Perros and 21 Grams, The Three Burials has a non-linear narrative that jumps back and forth with flashbacks,and with high tragedy value and gruesome images aplenty this can be pretty heavy.

The male protagonists – utterly opposed but both deeply flawed –struggle for the high-ground: a relief in a climate that prefers straight goodies and baddies.

This is a melancholic portrait of life and death on the edge of two vastly different cultures,but also a personal search for justice and redemption. Another transnational success for Arriaga et al,and a personal triumph for Jones with a convincing performance and well-handled subject material.

Finn Scott-Delany

TDir: Tom Dey Starring: Sarah Jessica Parker, Matthew McConaughey

Out 31/03,97 mins

ripp (McConaughey) is 35 and still lives with his parents,who mean well but are still the kind of people who would call their son Tripp. Desperate to get him out of the house,they hire ‘attractive’,‘talented’ Paula (Parker) to do just that.

So already we have a weak,untenable plot. It’s not helped by a series of desperate attempts at cheap laughs,including animals biting Tripp, plus the obligatory naked old man. Most damningly for a romantic comedy,you can’t root for the characters: he’s a lazy womaniser with an irritatingly easy life and she’s basically an upper-class whore.

Some hope is offered by the supporting cast,who upstage the leads (not hard). Kathy Bates is convincing, but wasted,as Tripp’s doting mother, and the largely unknown Justin Bartha and Bradley Cooper deserve to go onto bigger things. Most promising is Zooey ‘Trillian’ Deschanel as Paula’s vague,alcoholic flatmate (even if the 16-year age gap makes their friendship somewhat implausible). But they are let down by a woeful script that draws on every rom-com cliché and fails to flow from start to finish.

This film is a vehicle for SJP to announce herself on the big screen. This in mind, Failure To Launch may prove to be an apt title.

Huw Davies

WSHOOTING DOGS

Dir: Michael CatonJones

Starring: John Hurt, Hugh Dancy

Out 31/03,97 mins

hen it comes to films like Shooting Dogs it’s desperately difficult to decide how to go about applying any subjective opinion to them. Although films are fundamentally entertainment,some also seek to achieve much more by educating and maintaining public memory. You can’t criticise films such as this in the normal way. Character development,the need for a love story and the absence of normal Hollywood formula become secondary to the re-telling of real-life events and doing so in an authentic, restrained manner.

Coming not long after the moremainstream Hotel Rwanda, Shooting

PRINCESS MONONOKE: SPECIAL EDITION Out Now

The recent release of Hayao Miyazaki's latest film Howl's Moving Castle has seen a flurry of 'special edition' sets of his earlier work hit the shelves,and this is perhaps his very best. Gods,spirits and humans wage war as technology becomes the new world order in a mythical medieval Japan. The themes he tackles here (such as industrialisation, feminism and the nature of love and loss) are broad and exquisitely handled,and the film is capably voiceacted by a cast including Billy Bob Thornton and Gillian Anderson. Wonderful.

James Skinner

The Don Says: “When I was younger I used to shoot rabbits with a catapult. I once held one dying in my arms,and felt its last breath escape its broken,lifeless body. But I didn't

Dogs is another film set during the genocide of the Tutsis. Real locations and real people are used at a Rwandan secondary school which soon becomes a military base/refugee camp when the Hutu tribe set about wiping the Tutsis from existence,believing them to be plotting to usurp power following the suspicious death of the Hutu president.

Director,Michael Caton-Jones,tackles the subject with a very matter-offact approach. Avoiding getting too swept up in the overly-emotional aspect,though still effectively tackling the beliefs of a priest without seeming either preachy or cynical. John Hurt gives a commendable performance and newcomer Hugh Dancy,as a young,initially optimistic teacher, manages to hold his own. We are made to watch their ideals fall down as they watch friends hacked to pieces by machete.

Films depicting such tragic events will always fall under some form of criticism as they fail to satisfy the

cry. I fucking hate rabbits.”

THE LION THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE Out April 3

Curiously enough,hiring Andrew Adamson of Shrek fame as director did little to update or put a fresh spin on this yarn,which,for all its virtues, is perhaps slightly too earnest to really appeal to anyone raised on a diet of Lord of the Rings. Solid,but a little po-faced. In all honesty,I can remember enjoying the old BBC adaptation that was on every Christmas just as much as I did this. That was, however,when I was a wide-eyed innocent. James Skinner

The Don Says: “When shooting rabbits was no longer enough to satisfy my bloodthirsty needs,I set my sights on Bingo,our next-door neighbours beloved pet hound. However, he just got mad and attacked me, biting my hand and thus avenging all the rabbits in Baker's Field who had felt the wrath of my home-made catapult. And I couldn't even use it anymore.”

SAW

2 Out Now

The surprise success of the no-budget original meant that it was inevitable we would get another round of brutal murder engineered by that architect of death known as Jigsaw. As much as it would like to be,it ain't a patch on Seven,and the sur-

expectations of everyone who sees them. But Shooting Dogs still achieves its goal without struggle.

Catherine Gee

SHOOTING DOGS

prise shock of the original is absent here as the killings become even more shockingly depraved. Not as clever as it thinks it is.

James Skinner

The Don Says: “My days of shooting defenceless animals are long behind me,once my hand was sufficiently healed I instead embarked upon a career of shooting tin cans off the fence in my backyard. Gradually the rabbits returned and came to accept me and my non-aggressive,pacifist means of living,and in the following years we co-existed in blissful,utopian happiness.”

THE CANNELONI SPECIAL FLIGHTPLAN Out Now

Apaint-by-numbers thriller in which Jodie Foster gets on a plane and promptly loses her daughter.

Then she’s told her daughter doesn’t exist. Then Cillian Murphy, who seemed a pleasant chap before,goes all evil and mean. It’s not all that bad really.

Catherine Gee

The Don Says: “I can no longer fly planes since that time I planted a bomb on one of my own and sent the residents of my cul-de-sac into the sea. Now I have panic attacks every time I see a fat man.”

W-W-W-WORD:

This issue finds our wee section slightly lacking in size - this is largely due to the sheer number of fantastic interviews literally tumbling out of Quench this week. Do not fear though, Books retains its immeasurably high standard,as we delve into the depraved world of DBC Pierre and his new novel Ludmila’s Broken English. Is it as good as his rockin’ debut Vernon God Little? Read and discover! Any book from this man is bound to ruffle a few feathers,which is commendable in itself. Elsewhere,it’s all a bit dominated by the fairer sex,as we review Hot Water Man, Upstate, Borrowed Light,and the hotly-tipped, charmingly titled Rape - A Love Story,by Joyce Carol Oates. Next issue we look at Stephen King’s apocalyptic latest Cell,and maybe a few more novels written by men,for equality’s sake y’all. Enjoy.

LUDMILA’S BROKENENGLISH

DBC Pierre Faber

DBC Pierre returns with second novel: Conjoined twins, vodka,globalisation...

‘DIRTYBUTCLEAN’ Pierre exploded onto the literary scene three years ago,when his debut novel Vernon God Little confounded much of the literary elite (or: the pretentious) by amassing a collection of major awards,including the prestigious MAN Booker Prize. Not bad going for a drifter and former conman who didn’t write his first book until his latethirties.

Happily,however,its success was more than justified. Pierre’s novel was a sharp,cutting indictment of contemporary America,equal parts lewd and intelligent,made all the more remarkable by its utterly believable and heart-breakingly put-upon narrator,15year-old Vernon himself. It was,all in all,pretty fantastic. Sadly,his new book doesn’t quite match it.

Ludmila’s Broken English tells two stories,and lets us know from the offset that they will very much intertwine. It’s also characteristically ambitious,the prologue promising us a ‘maelstrom of spirits on parallel journeys,’ which is,essentially,what we get – it’s just that by about halfway through,it’s hard to care that much.

The first of these stories (which claim a chapter each until the two threads meet) concerns the plight of conjoined twins ‘Blair’ and ‘Gordon’ Heath,whose home until the age of 33 is the ‘Albion’ Care Institute. Pierre is clearly indicating something here with his choice of names – heck, I feel a little dumb bothering to point it out,such is his lack of subtlety – as he is with the fact that the pair are forever squabbling. The advent of privatisation results in them finally being freed from each other and released to the world at large. More or less left to their own devices in terror-struck London,they struggle to make sense

ARMENIA:Looks cold (INSET) DBC PIERRE: Looks smug

of the world raging around them.

The second story is where Ludmila Derev (of broken English) fits in,and is set in the frosty,war-torn district of Ublilsk (based on the troubled nation of Armenia). Her story opens as she stands on the hill above her village, contemplating her imminent escape from the country with her soldier lover, Misha. Events,however,soon conspire to make this little more than a daydream. Namely,the attempted sodomising she suffers at the hands of her grandfather that results in his death.

“ In comparison to the rambunctious energy of Vernon,this seems positively stilted

Ludmila’s Broken English is by no means a bad novel,it’s just that in comparison to the rambunctious energy of Vernon,it seems positively stilted. His affection for dialect is,again, brought to the fore – Ludmila’s chapters are brimming with exchanges often hilarious in style (“Shut up” = “Cut your hatch!” or “Smack your cuckoo!”),but however impressive, negotiating the myriad of arguments and motives he thrusts upon us can occasionally feel laborious. He’s clearly had a ball writing it,but unfortu-

nately sometimes at the reader’s expense.

It’s also not particularly clear what he is ultimately trying to say this time round. He’s outraged,sure – England is as figuratively “broken” as Ludmila’s use of the language,check, and the global inaction surrounding worsening humane catastrophes in nations such as Armenia is appalling, understood. But the twins don’t meet Ludmila until the final third of the novel (through noticing her on a seedy website),and although globalisation is discussed by a fleeting group of peripheral characters and the essential stimulus for this actually happening,whether he is wholly condemning this ‘new world-order’ or merely making use of it as a plot device is hard to discern.

Having said all this,there is plenty here to recommend – Ludmila herself (effectively the Vernon of this novel) is a plucky,feisty young heroine,and the appreciation of culture present (that leads to one of the most satisfying descriptions of a fry-up you could ever hope for) is admirable,as is the language itself,for all its self-indulgence.

It is,then,Pierre’s ‘difficult second album’ – you may not enjoy it as much as the first,but hey,if you liked that,you could do far worse than persevere with this. James Skinner

RAPE: A LOVE STORY

Joyce Carol Oates Atlantic Books

Not for the fainthearted,this one. Commendable stuff

RAPE:ALOVESTORY examines the effect a gang rape has on a 12-yearold girl and her widowed mother. The title creates an expectation of a shocking and graphic read. This is true of the actual rape scene,but Oates cleverly focuses on exploring the daughter Bethel’s love and affection towards the policeman that discovers her mother.

She controversially examines the issues of justice and vigilantism through the character of Dromoor,the policeman. The trial and particularly the defence’s case (which relies upon the victim’s sexual reputation and drunkenness) have a contemporary relevance and so the novel provides a

Kalisha Buckhanon

John Murray

UPSTATE Rape,exploitation, globalisation,and now race! This week = “issue mania”

ANTONIO LAWRENCE refers to upstate New York as being a place that people visit only to go to prison. For him it is also true; as an underprivileged,sensitive Harlem teenager with violent tendencies,he is imprisoned for killing his abusive father whilst protecting his family.

There is,however,a startling twisthis intense relationship with Natasha, whose ambition for a better life for herself sees them slowly separated by life yet still inexplicably connected,is chronicled over a ten-year correspondence.

“ At times frustrating... yet always powerful and often sad

Upstate is at times frustrating to read yet always powerful and often sad. The emotional and physical journeys that the couple take as they mature into adults seem real,in a way not expected with a format consisting

OATES:Gaunt

fresh insight into the issue of rape and the difficulties of achieving a conviction.

The chapters are short and often address the reader directly. This is initially effective but feels a little forced in places,becoming overly

of just letters.

Buckhanon manages to interweave themes of male pride,poverty,repression and discrimination of the black community with that of love. She allows Antonio to be slowly revealed as a character with great pathos, drawing parallels with another fictional NYCyouth,Holden Caulfield from The Catcher in the Rye. His love for Natasha is often fiercely possessive, often wholly inappropriate,but always showing that he had the potential to be more than his background let him be,despite the restrictions that prison places on him both presently and for his future.

stylised and verging on pretentious. As a result,Oates fails to create enough empathy towards Bethel and Dromoor,which would have enhanced what is potentially a highly interesting and unusual plot line. The book is only 154 pages long,and while this allows a quick and concise read, extending its length would certainly have allowed a fuller exploration of their relationship.

“ Just falls short of achieving its full potential

Overall,this is an interesting book (especially given its contemporary relevance) and is very cleverly written in places,but the more significant parts of the text could definitely have been examined more fully. Worth reading but prepare to feel frustrated as it just falls short of achieving its full potential. Liz Stephens

The excessive use of black youth dialect near the beginning initially seemed clichéd,yet it was quickly made clear that they spoke in that way because of their poor background,the slang fading as they become more intellectually and emotionally educated. Natasha,who earns a college scholarship,says that there are twice as many black men in prison as at university,a sad fact that exists in real life America.

Upstate is well-written,but occasionally slips into hyperbole. It is emotionally heavy but strangely positive as the couple try to shape their separate lives. Jenna Harris

IT’S

JUST LIKE BEING IN A PLANE: How exciting!

HOTWATER

MAN

Deborah Moggach Vintage Books

East and west differences explored in rather spanking latest from Moggach.

SETINKARACHI,Pakistan in 1975

this book by Moggach (who also recently wrote the screenplay for the adaptation of Pride and Prejudice) is a thought-provoking read.

Given the particularly recent and growing fragility between east and west relations it is especially intriguing to read a book that principally looks at the cultural differences between Islam and the west,with a medley of characters representing each respectively.

Moggach gives the reader a slightly comic insight into Western eccentricities and their contrast with eastern rituals. Donald Manley is full of British military pride and is so preoccupied with attempts to sell birth control procedures to a niche in the eastern market that he fails to detect his wife Christine’s growing frustration at being in a big house in a foreign country.

Joolz Denby Serpent’s Tail BORROWED LIGHT

Cornish-set thriller from Denby.Oo-arr, pasties,cider,bodyboards etc.etc.

DENBY’S PRIZE-NOMINEE reputation precedes her,bestowing initial confidence upon the reader,in this turbulent story of twisted relationships set in the Cornish village of Polwenna.

She yearns for a job of her own and independence. This desire results in a fascinating chapter,where Christine walks into a café wearing a dress pro-

“ Cultural differences between east and west are highlighted with exquisite subtlety

voking numerous glances from many local men who are used to seeing Pakistani women covered up; feeling somewhat inhibited she is forced to purchase a scarf and cover up. The cultural differences between east and west are highlighted here with exqui-

site subtlety.

Shamime,a young local Pakistani woman perhaps most vividly sums up Western assumptions as she points out that the American view of Eastern cities as ‘crowded and full of traffic’ is inaccurate: “Take Karachi. It looks so modern. But just look closer.”

Characters are forced to reconsider their preconceptions,and “taking home their snapshots and whiffs of oriental mysticism” without “looking closer”. Constant references to the heat and climate in Karachi become somewhat draining and monotonous to say the least,but try ignoring these and putting aside some time to read a very good book. James Meredith

It is told from the perspective of long-suffering Astra,afflicted with caring for her incapacitated mother,and working overtime at the local café. Her character is far from martyrdom however,as Denby writes refreshingly with candour and frankness,allowing a real deference to be felt towards Astra.

Her style is let down,however,by overusing twee Cornish clichés throughout,from the local shop that sells only clotted cream and pasties, to ‘Polwenna time’ - a casual timeframe allowing the villagers to start work whenever they feel like it.

It is easy to forget that this book is supposedly centred around the ethereal ‘Angel’,sister of Astra’s best friend. However,Denby mistakenly gives her an unimportant role in Astra’s life,resulting in the reader’s affections centring more around Astra’s family,boyfriend,secret love and friends. Angel is,at best,an irritating minor character,despite the significance that she is meant to represent.

Although it is a gripping plot,the pace moves so fast that events,ordinarily sufficient as to provide the centre of a story,slide by almost unnoticed. It deals not only with obligatory love stories,but is also confused with accusations of paedophilia,terminal diseases,relationship breakdowns, stalking,disownment,unplanned pregnancies,and near-death experiences, culminating in a messy,and pointless, explosion of them all.

Denby intends to write a radical and revolutionary book,but instead succeeds at producing only a mediocre novel that includes too many superfluous storylines,and ends in an unlikely mix of sentimentality and uncontrolled brutality.

Lucy Higgins

PLANE MADNESS #2! THIS TIME: Karachi,Pakistan

GIRLS IN OUTRAGEOUS BIKINIS: Possibly from Cornwall

MORRISSEY Ringleader of the Tormentors Sanctuary

Moz-father head over heels

SO,MORRISSEY.Pop's most famous celibate star has fallen in love,and, shock horror,has apparently gone sex mad! Who's the lucky guy (or gal)? I hear you ask. Well we may never know,but what’s clear is that the Moz is intent on divulging as much sordid detail about his newly found rampant sex life as is possible on this,his eighth solo offering. The tone is set on Dear God Please Help Me, for example. With sample lyrics like,"There are explosive kegs between my legs," and "Now I’m

A SOUTHERN DRAWLand an unhealthy obsession with all things porcine are not generally traits associated with hip-hop superstardom.

However,the self-proclaimed king of 'hick-hop,' Bubba Sparxxx,is certainly doing his utmost to change this. Bubba has left Timbaland's Beat Club Records and joined Purple Ribbon,the new label run by Outkast's Big Boi on which he has released The Charm The album is a combination of rap, country,and Southern rock.

Despite initial reservations the album sounds better after a few listens and second track in Ms.New Booty will clearly become a new fixture in the pop culture lexicon before too long.

Skipping stinkers such as Run Away, The Otherside has a good beat overlaid by Busta Rhymes style rapping and proves to be one of the standout tracks of the album. Overall The Charm doesn’t break any new boundaries and with novelty lyrics“booty booty booty booty rocking everywhere” - he may not charm everyone.

5/10 Laura Horton

spreading your legs,with mine in between," he clearly isn't in the mood to beat around the bush. And it's certainly more refreshing to hear than the usual pop fodder about 'pushing each other's buttons.' Occasionally,the

Album of the week

songs here crack under their own weighty ambitions,but the deliberate production of legend Tony Visconti should generally be applauded. A minor triumph. 7/10

EJ Price

HOPE OF THE STATES Blood Meridian EP Columbia

What a State

THEIR DEBUT WASan enthralling, introspective polemic which,despite unclear politics (Marxist perhaps… keep that quiet),faced up to the bad times and was ready for the future.

Sam Herlihy was a hero and although his crumbling vocals gave the impression of a passionate amateur,you believed in him and the record was monumentally hopeful. This EP is heavily produced again and contains genuinely beautiful string sections,but their massive orchestration has disappeared and their power is lost.

More importantly though,their relevance has gone. Political bands have to stay on the ball and everything Herlihy was battling against,whatever it was,has changed; “Emergency, emergency,someone acted honestly, someone meant everything they said,” he chants on Blood Meridian, nobody’s perfect Sam.

A Horse with sharp,stabbing guitar bursts and a climatic meltdown is the highlight but their old lyric “I used to think I had something to say,but my dumb ideologies gave me away” is too damn poignant.

6/10 Tom Howard

THIS IS THEBlack Heart Procession’s fifth album proper and their first for nigh on four years and so there are many mouths,the world over,slathering with anticipation.

Having heard the album I can now satisfactorily wipe my mouth clean, take off my bib and clean my trousers,as this is quite magnificent. I am spellbound… no,they have me under their spell… no,I am dizzy with the power of their spell.

Hmmmm,yep this album,that happens to be called The Spell and is the sort of music that inspires magic of the best possible kind. I’m not talking about drowning cats and rubbing your nose while chanting ‘ai ai ai,eyo eyo eyo’ in order to achieve invisibility or bathing in pig’s vomit while clutching your dead mother’s severed wrist to get new trainers.

I’m talking REAL magic. The sort of magic that consumes your emotions and devours your troubles. Not Just Words bounds along,hardly evoking happiness but shot through with yearning while the title track: The Spell itself simmers covenly… when shall we three meet again… etc.

8/10 Harold Shiel

MOZ: The Italian Job

NIGHTMARES ON WAX In A Space Outta Sound Warp

Brazilian Wax

A MARKEDimprovement on 2002's overly repetitive Mind Elevation,this new album from George Evelyn's oneman trip-hop outfit is a chilled,down tempo affair,fused with reggae-riffs, funk loops,and soulful vocals.

The majority of songs are built on a single sample around which the simmering basslines and jazzy drum loops flit in and out. Inevitable are comparisons to Air,with the record's relaxed,coffee shop-friendly vibe,but the album is based far more in slow repetitive mood pieces,refusing to head down the chorus-based chartfriendly route; perhaps a record more suited to the coffee shops of Amsterdam.

The soulful seven-minute epic Damn with its muted funk riffs and shimmering vocals is an album highlight as is You Wish a shorter,more accessible version of his classic Les Nuit. The only overt slip is the irritatingly quirky Pudpots with its screeching horn sample. Nothing groundbreaking,but a solid record deserving to be a select chillout soundtrack of many hazy student accommodations. 7/10 Jeremy Parkinson

THE ORGAN Grab That Gun

FEMALE ALTERNATIVEbands always seem to have an air of intrigue around them and these girls are no exception. There is a certain purity within Grab That Gun,which could easily be mistaken for a lack of originality.

Yes,they might sound exactly like the Smiths (and the other usual 80s suspects) but in truth this is the genre that they clearly love and merely want to express themselves in this way. Katie's lazy,old-school vocal style compliments her introspective and at times slightly morbid lyrics, which in turn creates an interesting

contrast with the more upbeat measure of the instrumental.

It's a shame that while the excellent eclectic lead work dominates their arrangements they are let down by the somewhat unimaginative rythmn section and so regrettably,the album stagnates towards its latter stages.

There's little drive from its core, which prevents Grab That Gun developing into what it has the potential to be. Given time,these girls could get real good. 6/10 Will Bebb

Musique Vol. 1 19932005 Virgin

French collection

FOR THOSE who’ve overlooked the talents of the Parisian dance duo known as Daft Punk,two men claiming to have been reincarnated as robots - as you do, Musique Vol.1 gives you the perfect opportunity to get yourself caught up.

DAFT PUNK: Space invadors

Taking a walk,with an optional bodypop,down DP’s memory lane we’re treated to a chronological tour of their best creations. The raw energy of seminal album Homework starts proceedings with highlights Around The World and the legendary Da Funk - a track so seminal and good its just painful.

One More Time introduces the digipop era of second album Discovery while Robot Rock drags us up to date with snazzy sounding guitars over a gut punching beat. The only disappointment is the inclusion of some less than inspiring remixes rather than the slices of pure pop goodness that are Digital Love and Aerodynamic Still,go buy (But no robot dancing, leave that to professionals). 7/10

Katie Montague

idol band-ter

1) If you could be anyone in the world for 24 hours,who would you be and why?

“Probably my boyfriend.You never know what they mumble to themselves when they're alone.Does he get checked out as often as I think he does but just doesn't notice it? I was a man for a day once actually.I woke up,looked in the mirror and there I was,a man.It wasn't until I was in class that I woke up from my very real dream!”

2) If you could have a signature piece of equipment,what would it look like?

“What i've always wanted is the ability to sample,play back and manipulate my vocals on the move.So I dream of these buttons that are on my person somewhere.”

3) What’s your favourite album of the last 12 months?

“Milosh's You Make Me Feel.”

4) When and where was your happiest moment?

“Probably going to my first proper rave.It was Elevation at Crystal Palace,I was 16,we were all the best of friends.It was just amazing! We'd just walked in when our favourite ‘choon’came on and we sneaked onto the stage and danced like there was no tomorrow on top of the world!”

5) If you had a TV channel,what would be on it?

“Short concise fact packed History programs.I saw a documentary on coffee the other day and it was fascinating! Apparently goats were the first to come across the coffee plant 1,000 years ago when they ran off from their goat herder.”

DAFT PUNK

THE GO! TEAM BONANZAWITH... BACKSTAGE

THE GO! TEAM Coal Exchange Tuesday March 7

James Skinner spends the day throwing wild shapes at the hottest party tour on the planet. Photography:James Perou

It’s a grey,drizzly afternoon in the bay as I enter the Coal Exchange to interview Ian and Ninja from the Go! Team,and,in all honesty,things aren’t looking too great. The last few nights of their biggest UK tour to date have seen front-woman Ninja battle with throat problems,and shortly after my arrival she is ushered onto the tour bus to conserve her voice for the gig. The atmosphere,however,is far from subdued.

exemplified by the impossibly young, scarily talented girls known as Smoosh,(Chloe is only 12) who dash around the hall as the other bands soundcheck,occasionally breakdancing and adding some of their own vocals to the mix. You have to smile really.

Escaping the noise we find a quiet spot,and any disappointment over the lack of Ninja for the interview is shortlived as it becomes apparent that, startlingly,for someone at the end of a massive UK tour, ‘Team mastermind Ian Parton is both disarmingly genuine and happy to indulge any question I level at him.

The Go! Team posse

Instead,an early decision to make tonight (instead of tomorrow) the last show of the tour,coupled with the fact that today is Alana from support band the Grates’ birthday,results in a sense of excitement perhaps best

First of all though,I’m curious as to how he sees the band’s success. Debut album Thunder,Lightning, Strike was essentially put together through the cut and pasting of a myriad of samples in Ian’s room,and emerged at the tail-end of 2004 sounding like nothing else in the British music scene. Since then the band have been Mercury-nominated,appeared in countless end-of-year polls,and garnered an incendiary live reputation,leading one broadsheet to gush that “The Go! Team should be available on the NHS”. What was he aiming for with the ‘Team,and did he see it coming?

“Not really… not at all. I was always frustrated with what I felt other bands should be doing. There was always too much of a clear line between indie and the rest of it –

dance,hip hop whatever – it was almost like these three things never met – and if they did it was Linkin Park or some toss like that. So that’s what I was aiming to do – stuff that I hoped somebody else would,to try and get there first and try out things that people hadn’t done before.”

Further questioning about the album reveals that it was in part “a reaction against the whole slick production that’s around at the moment –I wanted to sit white noise next to old school rap,every song different to the last,but still sound like a coherent idea,still sound like the Go! Team.”

Astonishing,also,is how Ian still views the ‘Team as ‘a cult little band’ – despite the success of the album, being handpicked by the Flaming Lips to open their forthcoming UK tour,and a prospective support slot with Sonic Youth (“They’ve been my favourite band since I was a kid,” he smiles).

Asya (14!) - Smoosh:

“Well,it’s

kinda hard… we have to bring our homework with us and it’s pretty easy to get distracted. Our teachers really don’t like it.”

In terms of where he sees the ‘Team in relation to other bands,he ‘can’t really see’ the parallels drawn with the Avalanches,as,aside from the cut-and-paste aspect of some of their songs,bringing them to life as a full band is of utmost importance.

Asking him about his contemporaries brings forth talk of Arcade Fire and Broken Social Scene,and this is really only due to their penchant for instrument-swapping and collective approach. “But apart from that,in terms of the detail,the technique, and our influences,I can’t really think of anyone.”

By the time Smoosh hit the stage later in the evening the Coal Exchange is filling rapidly, and the sight of two blond moppets from the States using a keyboard and drum-kit to bash out pop songs on the stage turns many heads. The clincher here though,is that their songs are bold and fully formed,particularly the closing La Pump,and when she tells the audience “Wales is pretty cool,” she is met with applause refreshingly free of any ‘aren’t they good for their age?’ mentality. The mind boggles thinking what they’ll be capable of a few years down the road.

The Grates follow with a brief,tight set. Singer Patience dominating proceedings like a younger,feistier Karen O. They may not quite have the tunes just yet,but on the evidence of closer Inside/Outside,they’re damn close.

But,for all the quality of the support,it’s the Go! Team people are here to see,and as the visuals announce their imminent claiming of the stage the crowd literally whoop with excitement. Ninja is the last to appear,resplendent in a blue top,yellow cheerleading skirt and sports socks,the only sense of any ill health her slight croakiness as she hollers at the crowd.

Launching into Panther Dash from the album,the following hour and a half sees them play much of Thunder, Lightning,Strike as well as three new songs,including the ambient soundscape that is The Ice Storm,where Ninja disappears into the background. The ‘Team rush around the stage in between each song,maximising the numerous instruments (and two drum-kits) they have with them,Ninja confidently addressing the audience (“If you say ‘Go!’ and I say ‘Team!’”),undeniably the focus of the group.

A highlight comes early with a joyful rendition of We Just Won’t Be Beaten, but,to be honest,calling any one moment from the set ‘joyful’ is a little unnecessary; The Go! Team are the ultimate party band – they,and the sweaty,appreciative crowd,know it.

Patience (22) -

The Grates

“It’s been the best tour ever. The Go! Team are just awesome,and Smoosh are my new best friends!”

For the final encore of the UK tour, we are granted the closest thing the ‘Team have to a signature tune,the buoyant Ladyflash. Before long the girls from Smoosh and the Grates are pogo-ing away on stage,balloons, smiles and absurd levels of happiness reverberating throughout the Coal Exchange. As the show breathlessly concludes (Ninja showing off her “dance moves from around the world”),Ian and Jamie dive from the stage,resulting in the bloody nose of an audience member. You get the impression he won’t mind. Heck,he’s just seen the Go! Team,and boy,did they rule Cardiff tonight.

MORNING RUNNER

Barfly

Tuesday March 7

SHENANIGANS SUPERSTAR

WITH... MORNING RUNNER

Sofie Jenkinson gets chummy with Chris Martin’s favourite band and this year’s indie starlets Photography:Tom Walsh

Morning Runner have got something about them. Armed with more passion than the fruit and a massive glint in their eye, they’re just hoping the world is ready. Their recent debut album, Wilderness Is Paradise Now,is the result of a very lengthy journey, which includes a change of labels.

“We can be honest now because the album’s out,” exclaims Matt Greener (vox/guitar) through his cheeky grin.

“Initially we were slightly naive and jumped in to signing with Faith & Hope,who are just one of those labels that have ideas above their station,a small indie label with a majorlabel mentality. Whereas,Parlophone have this amazing philosophy around letting a band grow,which is what they’ve let us do and still are. Imagine if it was your one chance and you got rushed,fucked it up and then got dropped.”

The band worked with John Cornfield (Supergrass,Muse) on the album,and found him taking a very organic approach to the process,fathering the band through their first studio experiences and using wild techniques such as recording the sound delay of a snare drum across a creek.

“There’s a certain amount of freedom in creativity; in fact,a hell of a lot,” remarks Fields (keyboards).

Greener’s lyrics are prolific and a very important part of what Morning Runner are about,which is reflected through their song titles,as Matt explains describing their last single Burning Benches.

“It’s more about obsession than it is love,you fall for something or someone so much that when you can’t have them it’s like someone takes your breath from you and life

doesn’t seem worth carrying on; that’s a negative thing but I think love’s a positive thing. You’ve got memorial benches,and ‘Donna loves Jack’ type graffiti,often benches have got a lot of memories for people and the whole thing of burning them just worked quite nicely.”

The band’s very special dynamic allows them the freedom to spark off each other creatively as well as personally. Greener’s haphazard guitar composition complementing the beautiful melodies that Field’s classically trained fingers provide and sets them apart from so many others. Although they seem fed up of people mentioning the ‘P’ word and the echoes of Keane comparisons,for them that’s just what he does. “I think Fields should play Glockenspiel on the next album,” chuckles Matt.

Sold out,tonight Barfly is full of people brimming with excitement; can this band take their breath away like the records promise that they will? They don’t disappoint,a marriage of heartbreakingly beautiful songs and foot-tapping in-your-face anthems. The lyrics seem philosophical,which forces you to make your own conclusions and so touches everyone in different ways.

As the penultimate date of a band’s six-week tour,the very mention of home causes nervous faces around the room,the idea of fitting back into normal life and relationships left behind is a scary one but it’s clear that these guys have to live this way because they couldn’t and shouldn’t be doing anything else.

THE HHEROES:OMECOMINGAND... AUTOMATIC

It’s 11am when the tour bus door flies open and out stumbles a disorientated Iwan,the Automatic’s drummer who bears an uncanny resemblance to Bloc Party’s Matt Tong. “I’m going to Cranes,” he mumbles,staggering off. As we begin to unload,James,their sound technician explains: “At the start of the tour they were like ‘Oh,it’s too weird having people carry our stuff.’ Now where are they? In bed!”

Next out is bass-playing singer Rob Hawkins,hangover in tow. “We played the Camden Barfly last night,” he croaks. “It was going really well until five songs in when Penni’s keyboard broke. We had to think quick and change the set to play without him, but the crowd still seemed to love it.”

Today is a homecoming for the Automatic. After several months of continuous touring,a performance in Italy for TOTP and an Astoria gig supporting the Cribs,this is the last date on their first ever headline tour. They’re playing two shows; an acoustic set for Xpress Radio and tonight’s sold-out show at Clwb Ifor Bach.

An hour later the Taf is packed and Iwan has arrived back. “I had to buy some sticks for this acoustic thing. The Kooks’ drummer nicked mine.” All four boys take to the stage,Pennie having fixed his keyboard an hour before. They kick off with first single Recover,fumbling and laughing their way into new single Raoul. However, it’s smiles all round as B-side Jack Daniels goes down as well as a double with Coke. The set finishes with crowd favourite Monsters as Penni unplugs and takes a seat and swig of beer. “Rubbish!” he yells,although his sentiments are hardly echoed.

I meet up with Rob later in The Gatekeeper,his favourite Cardiff hangout. “The NME tried to make it sound like we don’t like Wetherspoons,but I love them,” he complains. Talk turns to other acts coming out of Cardiff. “The Boyfriends are touring with Morrissey. The thing with Morrissey is, he just sings about what he sees,” explains Rob. Before bursting into song with full Irish accent: “And there was a table,and a lamp,on the table!”

Walking onto the top floor of Clwb there’s an air of anticipation as parents line the walls and school friends the front. The Cowbridge lads take to stage and from the opening power chord to the final crash cymbal they never let up as Penni throws himself about with all the vigour of a squirrel having its testicles clamped. Forget Valley Emo kids - this lot are like the Cooper Temple Clause on E-numbers.

Each song catches in its own way from the soaring chorus of Rats to

Tuesday

the pounding bass drum of Raoul,but it’s not all about aesthetics. Lyrically, the songs go deeper exposing the misery of unemployment on Recover to the pains of touring in On The Campaign Trail. Unsurprisingly,they close with Monsters to an overtly receptive crowd. “Give me an M” shouts Rob,“O… S… oh,whoops”. What’s that coming over the hill? It’s the Automatic.

Photography: Sarah Day

FALL OF TROY

Barfly Wednesday March 8

INDIE PEOPLE,hard-rock wannabes, and mascara-toting scenesters,lend me your ears. It’s finally time to put aside petty musical differences and strange haircuts to unite under one common musical goal. The Fall of Troy is a tidal wave of genre-smashing music with the power to unite members of all musical camps under its wings.

Melodic vocals and harmonies alongside tortured assaulting

YOUNG AT HEART

THE YOUNG KNIVES Barfly

Monday March 13

SHORT ANDsharp indie punk has long been a staple of British pop culture,but rarely has it been personified so literally in a frontman as Henry Dartnall of the Young Knives.

Short in height,sharp in both dress and tongue,Dartnall struts the stage thrashing his blood-red guitar like a man possessed,and it makes for quite a sight.

Flanked by the larger,but similarly sharp,bassist dubbed The House of Lords,the two combine to carve through song after song of punchy, angular rock,shot through with British eccentricity and wit. Former single The Decision in particular demonstrates the band’s thrilling ability to fill a traditional indie number with twists and turns,sudden fills and changes of pace.

Covering issues of love,loss and everyday tedium can see lesser bands get ‘heavy’,but it’s to the Young Knives’ credit that they keep their tongue firmly in their cheek.

Joe Starkey LEAPING WITHa star jump out of

screams. Mathematically precise rhythms and complex fretwork,giving way to jam-inspired divergences. An unusual blend of hardcore,heavy metal,rock,punk and pop,skittering off defiantly in one direction after another and refusing to stick to any one established road.

It was truly humbling to hear all three members wield their instruments with the speed and precision of Navy SEAL snipers. The crowd lapped up every second of their performance,although the change from frantic and sporadic harmonies to hectic beats and time signatures the band loved to flaunt,made for an interesting mix of self-conscious movement,‘dancing’ and head banging in the audience. Laura Horton

YOUNGBLOOD BRASS BAND

Clwb Ifor Bach

Thursday March 16

Ska: The Comic Strip come Bristol vagabonds Babyhead,blasting out like a gaggle of wild shirted,trillbee-sporting Ace Venturas that transport the grooving crowd to a state of dazed,muddy,Glastonbury ecstasy.

Comparatively,YoungBlood Brass Band are a much more raw machine, with nine eager,thunderous components. Self-professed Wisconsin ‘marching band punk’,they’re organised by a nimble MC/drummer (yes, he does both) melting into a bobble hat,who’s rooted next to a suspended kick drum,an afroed tuba player and a swaying brass section. Sonic and rasping: DIY samba,hip-hop, rock,ragaee and ska all get checked,mashed and splattered into an explosive rainbow of sound,like Joe Strummer popping a can of compressed New Orleans joy that’s been dug up after eighty years.

Simply the finest in experimental music. That. Is. It.

Greg Cochrane

WILL HAVEN/ CROWBAR

TJs Newport

Thursday March 16

WITH WILL’S GIRLFRIENDtaken ill in France we are blessed with a sequence of guest vocalists for Will Haven’s set. We had representatives of local legends Skindred and the Seventh Cross as well as a special appearance from Kirk of tonight’s headliners Crowbar.

Will Haven unleash the first of hell’s hordes on this vicious sausagefest of a pit. Waves of metal juddering the sweaty mass into action. It takes Crowbar to really get the crowd to let go though. Within half a song someone has been cast from atop the crowd into Kirk’s face whereupon he throws down his guitar and storms from the stage. He returns,fury filling his eyes and bellows his rules: “If any other fucker hits me I’ll fuckin’ stab ya,” and by crikey I wouldn’t put it past him.

They grind through their brutal doom-laden numbers one after another while the crowd seems to fight itself as a whole. One party animal slumps to the floor in front of me only to be dragged to his feet by a friend, a massive smile across his face. This is metal at its finest. Now or never. Harold Shiel

COMPE-FUCKING-TITION

Any of you God damn mutha-fuckas wanna win some shitting Secret Machines tees (girls’ and boys’ sizes) then you can answer this question,you think you know,but you don’t... you don’t even know.

ANSWER THIS IN NO MORE THAN TEN WORDS: “I want to stop everyone in Belgium from...” Answers to: music@gairrhydd.com

Good luck and God Bless Q Music Team xxx

Also...find this week’s singles and selected beginners’ guides at our spanking new website: quench.gairrhydd.com

PHOTO:James Perou

Cruel and unusual

Digital presents a selection of the most recent unconventional games

CMOVIES

alling all Spielbergs - this is the game for you. Lionhead Studios’ The Movies joins an impressive list of titles including Black and White and Fable. This game aims for a similar form of immersion that its predecessors wielded over gamers. Much like Black and White, The Movies places you as an omnipotent being - except instead of playing a god,you are a movie studio owner. This slightly less mystical theme draws on Lionhead’s historical links to Bullfrog Productions,which you may remember created classics such as Theme Park and Theme Hospital

The Movies is the closest some may get to making films and it does this extremely well. In sandbox mode you are given a huge amount of freedom,you can place yourself in whichever time period you choose and give yourself as much moolah as you desire. Once that is done you can go about making your way in the business they call show.

In the 80s there was horror

As the studio owner you can,and have,to do everything from hire handymen,actors,writers and direc-

tors,to building admin buildings and sets to developing new technology. As time marches on you pass through the different decades and the game changes accordingly. Fashions change,technology advances and stars grow older. The realism in the game doesn’t stop there,as well as ageing,your employees can become unhappy,alcoholic and develop eating disorders. All of which can be solved through rehab, outfitters and plastic surgery.

In story mode things are not quite so simple,you have to work with the money you earn and do not have quite

such an all powerful control over what unfolds. The game quickly becomes addictive as you work to build your studio in to a success,and make those blockbuster movies.

The basic game controls are simple and it doesn’t take long to get your studio up and running,then it’s just a matter of keeping it all in order. Making the movies is a little more complicated. If you decided to take the director’s chair then it takes a while to get used to the creating,filming and editing of your films. This is a very good game and will certainly appeal to any budding filmmakers out there who share an interest in the type of strategy game Lionhead,and previously Bullfrog,are famous for.

Luke Pavey

Your Digital Section needs YOU...

If you are interested in editing the digital section next year send an email to the address at the bottom of the page.

Lights Camera etc.

John Moo?

After playing Amped 3 over the past week I’m tempted to review it using the pseudosnowboarder slang that I’ve become used to. It’s hard to resist,the game is so entertaining and eventually instinctive that the player absorbs its pervasive lingo and (humiliatingly) starts incorporating it into everyday speech.

For those who haven’t taken to the piste with the Amped series before, it’s a snowboarding game not unlike Tony Hawk’s. The aim is to snowboard your way to the top over a selection of different courses and mountains taking on challenges and story missions in your rise to success.

The game can be split into two distinct objectives. Story missions,in which your performance is irrelevant and completion only unlocks more storyline,and challenges. Challenges are all about respect,the bigger the jump,the more intricate the trick and

THE FIRST THINGthat hits you when you start playing Kameo is just how good it looks. The character detail is rich and lifelike and the game bombards you with swarms of hundreds

KAMEO: The Horde

the speedier the course time the more respect (and courses) may be unlocked.

The tried to balance realistic challenges with arcade brilliance. In this latest installment however, realism has been entirely abandoned in favour of entertainment. Anyone who has played or the previous games will have no problems here as Amped 3 tially easier and considerably less finicky than these other genre successes. This makes the game instantly accessible and absorbing because it is so easy to pick up and play.

As well as being hugely addictive,every aspect of Amped 3 is brilliantly designed. The menus and cut scenes are ambitious and occasionally hilarious,featuring a mishmash of Adam and Joe style tomfoolery and surreal cut-out animation. The courses themselves are well designed and challenging,spectacularly rendered by the Xbox 360. The snow glistens,the view distance is extraordinary and the ‘boarders move with the

stylised arcade charm that permeates is a masterpiece,instantly accessible,massively addictive and brilliantly designed. Amidst a throng of disappointing launch games it stands out as one of the best releases for the

AMPED 3: Awesomeness

of flying dragons or battling trolls providing a spectacle never before seen in a game. Kameo has taken the graphics potential of the 360 further than any other game I have seen.

The second most noticeable thing about Kameo is just how fun it is to play. You move through various dreamlike landscapes,morphing into a gradually expanding set of fantastical characters in a quest to free your family and rid the fairy world of trolls or something (I never pay attention to

the plot). As you complete tasks and find hidden power-ups you unlock an array of bizarre and hilarious abilities for your characters that makes slaying those pesky trolls all the more entertaining.

Kameo is enthralling (if admittedly childlike in places); I wish there had been more of it. It fea-

Bodacious.

Sam Curtis

A Festen of dance

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS WALES MILLENNIUM CENTRE MARCH 14 - 18

Scissor mania

Edward Scissorhands is a theatrical masterpiece. Critically acclaimed director Matthew Bourne brings a spectacular dance interpretation of the Tim Burton film to the stage with unique elegance.

Scissorhands tells the story of a young boy who,due to the death of his inventor,is left with scissors for hands. He enters into a society of perfect civilization but soon realises he can never be truly accepted. This poignant story of unrequited love and rejection is powerfully portrayed through the art of ballet.

The show was sensational and featured some of the most talented young dancers around. Sam Archer gave an exceptional performance as Edward,portraying his unique personality through dance and expression alone. Kerry Biggins was also outstanding as Kim Boggs.

Supported by a full live orchestra, an intricate set design and with a collaboration of breathtaking ballet, Edward Scissorhands undoubtedly had its audience infatuated. It is a deliciously entertaining show full of spirit and definitely worth watching. Rebecca Child

TRANSITIONS THE GATE

MARCH 8

Gateway to success

Afresh and vibrant contemporary dance troop performed their maiden dance extravaganza at The Gate. This multifaceted venue played host to a performance of ballet with innovative and eyebrow raising choreography.

The aptly named Transitions Dance Company 2006 Tour,showed how an exclusive art form,like ballet,can be brought to and enjoyed by the most ignorant of us all.

The group of nine students and five internationally recognised choreographers twisted,distorted and even turned on its head the view that ballet is an archaic and stuffy hobby of the chattering classes. Through the guidance of their mentors and their own individuality these performers brought ballet from the so-called right of the arts and positioned it squarely at the centre.

Transitions Dance Company is touring 16 venues with some as far a field as Hong Kong and Taiwan. No doubt their performances will be greatly anticipated as it was at The Gate.

Dave Smith

TFESTEN NEW THEATRE MARCH 13 - 18

Family portrait

he eerie sound of a child’s laughter is the first thing to greet Festen’s audience. What unravels on the stage in the next hour and a half is a tragic tale of family secrets,death and guilt.

It is Helge’s sixtieth birthday and his family have gathered to celebrate. Amongst them is Helge’s son, Christian,whose twin-sister committed suicide not so long ago. Christian’s unsettlingly still presence creates an uneasy tension on stage and it soon becomes clear that all is not as jovial as it seems.

The birthday party is obviously a family tradition and,as expected, Christian stands to make a speech. Instead of the usual toast to his father,he tells the guests and the audience the story of Helge’s sexual abuse of his children. More shocking than the revelation is the response it receives. After an initial silence,the celebrations soon carry on as before. The veneer of contentment has,however,been cracked and the night becomes one long tangle of home truths,disbelief and anger.

Festen started out life as a Thomas Vinterberg film and was one of the first experiments in the Dogme movement. The film’s stripped-back production values translate brilliantly onto the stage in David Eldridge’s adaptation. With minimal props and set changes,the audience’s attention is focussed solely on the building tensions between the characters.

Despite its hard-hitting subject matter, Festen thankfully manages to avoid falling into the trap of being shocking for shocking’s sake.

Somewhat surprisingly,it also works as a pitch black comedy,as laughter seems to be the only way to respond to Festen’s spiralling chaos. The humour is dark but inescapable. Tense,chilling and affecting: Festen is a deservedly acclaimed new play. Don’t miss your chance to see it.

Kim O’Connor

OVER G39 GALLERY

Lack of communication

Over, featured a quartet of artists all creating art,based around the theme of communication. The exhibiton was inspired by the work of Marconi,who pioneered wireless transmission near Cardiff.

Focussing on some of the different modes of modern communication, paint,photography,sculpture and installations were nowhere to be seen. The artists instead used audio recordings and requested that the gallery viewers write letters.

As a concept,it was slight - as an exhibition it was positively skeletal. Although visual communication is still important today,there was literally nothing to look at other than Paul Cabuts’ video feeds of different pylons in Wales,which did only as it described,changing images every so often.

Outside the gallery, Stefhan Caddick had erected a large LCD screen,meant to explore the nature of sending texts,but few people had sent messages to it, making it almost redundant.

GROWING UP BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES SHERMAN THEATRE MARCH 14

A poet’s life

Brian Patten is a well accomplished poet with numerous books to his name,spanning playful children’s poetry to profound adult verse. His new show includes selected poems from all his work starting in childhood,through adolescence into middle age and beyond, all read out by Brian himself.

OVER: Rover

I was expecting the artists to interpret the theme in some way in order to present new ideas,but instead it was poor,deploying little creativity and making no effort to go beyond merely showing. If that was indeed the point of the exhibition then I do wonder why it was held in an art gallery.

Jenna Harris

TTHE LOVE OF THE NIGHTINGALE

CRWYS THEATRE 22 - 25 FEB

Bird-watching

he Love of the Nightingale is a contemporary reworking of a Greek myth and explores the dynamics of relationships.

The opening poems,about growing up in Liverpool,featured many fun moments,most involving audience participation,with up beat and humorous rhymes. However many poems on his childhood passed me by,through nostalgic notions of a traditional 1950s era. As we reached the teenage years the language got more detailed and meaningful with poems of first love and his disabled grandmother. The poems got more intense as we reached the adult stages of his life,mainly due to the death of his mother. The language was very emotive and Patten used many powerful metaphors,highlighted is his famous poem How Long Does A Man Live. In an audience of either children or 40-somethings plus,I couldn’t help feeling a generational gap. The show provided a valuable window into Brian’s experiences,but in many instances the 12-year-old girl sitting next to me wasn’t the only one asking ‘Why is that funny?’

Sarah Day

This play tells the tale of two sisters who are abused by their male patriarchs. Philomele is violently raped by her brother-in-law and when she speaks out against this treatment Tereous,the King of Thrace,cuts out her tongue. Many years later she and her sister take revenge by brutally murdering Tereous’s son. Through the silencing of both of these women,the play explores the inequality that women have faced throughout the

OOUT OF SIGHT... OUT OF MURDER

YMCA THEATRE MARCH 7 - 11

The butler did it

ut of Sight…Out of Murder tells the tale of murder mystery writer Peter Knight,who becomes trapped in his own story. When his characters materialise, complications arise,fatality occurs, and the hunt for the murderer is soon on. One by one the characters are killed and Peter is suddenly left wondering who will be the next victim.

Using a diverse range of 1920s stock characters,the play used comic satire to mock the classic ‘whodunnit’ mysteries. It was highly entertaining and the whole cast were outstanding. An exceptional performance came from Phil Leonard who continually had the audience in hysterics as the rigid Cogburn. Christina Lane was also fantastic as the extravagant Lydia.

The play was satiated with humour and staged skilfully by the Cardiff University students. It was a witty,satisfying and refreshing piece; a postmodern play that had its audience absorbed from beginning to end.

Rebecca Child

OUTOFSIGHT: Not out of mind,mind

ages,which makes the story timeless.

The story was told in an interesting way as narrators explained the themes of the play,before the scenes were shown to the audience. Kevin McCurdy,combat fight specialist,was enlisted to choreograph the violent scenes,which were brilliant. This was a thoroughly enjoyable and well-acted play. A classic and timeless tale James Luetchford

It’s Jimi vs Jimmy - let the games begin

Silence descends.

Jimmy Page produces a bow like Paul Daniels and begins to saw at his guitar.

“Eh?”Grunts John Bonham,his apelike tendencies getting the better of him.

“Bang,bang,bang,bang,bang.” Bonham ‘plays’the drums in confusion to blot out the noise.

Robert Plant starts crooning in excitement thrusting his cod piece vigorously.

“Ahh,ahh,ahh,aw,ahh,ahh.”

John-Paul Jones surveys the scene with understandable confusion,plucking the D-string of his bass occasionally to earn his keep...A whole lotta Led.

Page played the guitar,Page threw riffs at faces,melted them and ate their essence. Page was about runes and spirituality man,he had his own sign (‘Zoso’) Page loved Aleister Crowley,Page loved fusion,Page fathered heavymetal as well as many illegitimate bastards all over the world,Page chose Janis Joplin’s male equivilent to be his front man,Page was a dick...

I remember once upon a time strumming a twelve-string acoustic guitar in a music shop. Spotting a sale,the store’s proprietor sauntered over and told me how he loved to play a bit of twelve-string while the bath was running. He’d get naked,strum some Zepplin and hop in for his evening soak... Thanks Page,because of you I had to listen that.

Yes,he was famous within his own time,and hippies loved it through their drug-fueled prism but the fall out from that was the over-abundance of spandex,cringe-worthy tunes and pretentious forty-five minute solos that Page left us with,cheers for that. Matthew Turtle

POWER PAGE

Led for UK

JIMI GIANT

Hendrix represeting theUSA

THE VERDICT: NON EVENT

With riffs that could carve mountains in two and hooks that make the ears bleed,trouble is the name of this game. Leaving ravaged groupies in their wake and pumping sludge from oversized amps,to let this battle of the classics go ahead would destroy the world.

“Hey,check this out.”

Jimi,naturally,plays a grossly over the top guitar solo,“Wait,wait,this bit’s the best,check it out.”

Finger tapping,yee fucking ha. “Brilliant Jimi,I’ve never seen anything like it,I don’t suppose you’ve got any actual songs though eh?”

He fiddles with his headband, adjusts his tie dyed curtain/drape/ shirt thing and looks confused.

“Songs,”he mutters,“Yeah yeah,I got one,I got one,it’s about my friend Joe,we hooked up the other day,did shitloads of acid and had cast moulds made of our cocks,yeah,that was some fucked up shit man… anyway,it goes like this… “…Heeeeeeeey Joe…”

Jimi Hendrix eh? What a prick. Okay,okay,he’s a legend,fine. But wait. It’s not that I dislike the man,and one must be careful not to speak ill of the dead,but he must surely be the most over-rated, self-obsessed,guitar-wanking,tie dye and headband wearing,best song was written by Bob Dylan, hippy entertaining eejit of all time.

Dylan may have refused to play All Along The Watchtower since Jimi’s supposed bettering of it,but Dylan declared Bono the greatest spiritual poet of our generation,so he’s clearly mental. There’s only so much of a grasp one can have on reality when a whole generation of Americans are on acid.

The very same acid that probably explains Hendrix’s inability to write anything like a good tune and for pumping cosmic guitar diarrhoea out at his live shows until the hippies were bored,panicking,and concluding “sod it,I’ll burn my bloody guitar, we’re all friends here anyway.”

Do not play with fire Jimi. Fire kills,Jimi. What a prick.

Tom Howard

PAGE: Zepplin’s Zoso

HENDRIX: Cosmic calamity

By TV Willy Buried in the tundra

ST T unnel unnel V V ision ision “

BENROGERS: He’s all crazee now Mama

Stars in their Eyes Kids

tars In their Eyes has been going on so long now that it still feels like a pleasant change from the rest of the reality dross that fills Saturday nights in the same way.

Around the time of the Matthew Kelly ‘incident’, Stars… starting doing an edition wherein liddle kiddies performed their own,particularly awful, versions of The Hits. Somehow,this televisual masterstroke passed me by,but a few drab Saturday nights, with only Tess Daly and Vernon Kay to keep me company,have meant that I’m now quite hooked.

A few weeks ago,young Kelly Griggs from Somerset put aside all teenage inhibitions to frump up as Welsh power balladeer (Powerdeer? Power Ranger?) Bonnie Tyler and convinced an audience of relatives and seniles to vote her through to the final. She did pull it off though. Which is more than can be said for some.

Enter wee Slim Shady,a thirteenyea-old Eminem impersonator. Of course I say impersonator,but that’s impersonator solely in the sense that when someone takes a photograph of me I’m a Kate Moss impersonator.

‘Slim’ didn’t let not being able to rap stop him from murdering (by drive-by?)

Marshall Mathers’ Without Me Inability aside,the best bit was when we saw the behind the scenes look. The make-up crew gave the quasiauthentic Slim Shady the full works: shaved head,blonde hair dye and… a bandana to cover it all up! Hooray! How utterly pointless.

Poor little sod,he’ll probably get suspended from his prestigious boarding school for that.

Talent-wise,this series of SITEK has no equal to Ben Rogers. Ben,a nine-year-old and two-foot high (includ-

ing 10-inch glam boots) Noddy Holder. Complete with Wolverhampton accent and sideburns fluffier than Cat Deely’s presenting,Rogers growls out Come On Feel The Noize with the gusto of a forty-year old Black Country rugby player – complete with the 40-a-day habit. He hasn’t half got a croak for a prepu-

Planet

So then, Planet Earth. Wow. Normally when the Beeb throw a budget worth ten Graham Nortons at something it’s not usually too shoddy. It’s when they spend a reasonable sum they’re rubbish (recent examples: Just The Two Of Us and the monstrously bad Mayo; which,incidentally,I originally thought was a chat show hosted by the former Radio 1 DJ).

Anyway, Planet Earth features three things which guarantee its going to be the best thing to happen to Sunday nights since 98% of Last of the Summer Wine’s cast went to the great wheelbarrow race in the sky.

Firstly,it has big cuddly bears and wee cubs. That’s always nice.

Incidentally,I was struck by how much pandas look like they’re wearing costumes. Perhaps they all look like Chihuahuas and they know a really good fancy dress shop. Bet they were furious when they realised that the mouthpiece was only big enough for bamboo though.

PANDA:Or is it a man?

Rogers storms out Come On Feel The Noize with the gusto of a forty-year old Black Country rugby player – complete with the 40a-day habit. He hasn’t half got a croak for a prepubescent

bescent.

In short (which he is) wee Noddy is better than anything that’s been on Saturday night gutter TV since Gladiators in its pomp.

Who needs warbling Alison Moyet look-alikes when we have this?

Sorry,I digress. Planet Earth is also super because it features a big cuddly bear David Attenborough. He loves it. Despite the fact that he’s probably sat on a comfy settee narrating between swilling Chilean wine and cutting his toenails,Dave sounds like he’s actually in the helicopter providing live commentary on Snow Leopard versus Mountain Goat. I think it’s probably better for us to imagine he is. Better him than JONATHAN PEARCE anyway.

Finally, Planet Earth has a little DVD extra bit on the end. This shows you that rather than jet into rural Afghanistan on an Auntie-sponsored chopper,our fearless cameramen hike thorough war-zones and sit in an underground bunker for 16 years with only a termite and Osama Bin Laden for company just so they can get a shot of a rare cat. Fair enough boys,I admire your determinism,but is anyone that arsed if they’ve not seen wild wolves hunt impala in the middle of icy tundra? I’ve got better things to do, Mayo’s on in a minute. television.wordpress.com

Is anyone that

arsed if they’ve not seen wild wolves hunt impala in the middle of icy tundra? I’ve got better things to do, Mayo’s on in a minute.

“

Captain

Bastian Springs

Gives what he gets

Vinyl Resting Place

with Bastian Springs

Anyonewho was alive and knew how to tune in a radio between the years of 1999 and 2001 will no doubt remember the following US imports: One Week by Barenaked Ladies, Steal My Sunshine by LEN, You Get What You Give by the New Radicals, Drinking In LA by Bran van 3000 and Semisonic’s ode to their girlfriends’ mould-encrust- ed vaginas, Secret Smile. What these case studies of tran-American one hit wonder Virgin Radio bile all have in common (except proving that Americans don’t just produce

Anyonewho can tell me

just how Black Eyed Peas can successfully formulate a patter for having successive singles that each go one notch higher on the crap-o-meter than their predecessors without anyone noticing can have a prize.

Actually,you can’t. Because,looking at the evidence,it’s pretty fucking obvious. Black Eyed Peas then: four tack-faced,gobstraddling,talentless clowns. The sort of Costcutters’ fancy-dress rap troupe that rich parents would hire for their kids’ birthday parties. The new Fugees if you will.

Theflabby and chuff-brained rock music) is that they all sound- tracked a moment in time - albeit one that the 99.99999 per cent of us who aren’t Pete ‘n’ Geoff would rather forget.

So then,while our British guitar heroes are aspiring to recreate the sound of four Thatcherite wankers in a lock- up on Miserable Mardy Arse Street,Hebden Bridge; our US cousins are falling over them- selves to recreate the bumhole,one-off,sub-Eaglesbeachbilges of the mother-fuckers.aforementioned

Maroon 5 bucked the origi-

Except comprised of three indistinguishable Pras Michaels and a white-trash, soulless Lauren Hill with a mechanic’s overhanging arse. Fergie is a veritable pin-up for chavs in a vegetative state. She puts the preop into hip-hop and is often seen as the key ingredient in BEPs’ success. Which is a bit like saying that being a mass-murdering,megalomaniac fucker was a key ingredient in Hitler not winning Most Popular German at the 1943 Smash Hits Poll Winners’ Party.

It is true though,each ditty the foursome have

hardest part of doing this column,apart from spending half my life drowning in a pit of my own self-pity,is finding new and exciting euphemisms for the word ‘crap’ every fortnight.

Lucky old me then that I’ve got a ready-made band whose name sounds like a swear word and,conveniently,are a big load of Orson as well.

nal trend last year (not by being good – don’t be daft!) by having more than one of these Yank chug- gers in the charts. Now a whole new wave of surly young Sixpence None The Richer- savvy bastards are clogging up the airwaves again like Scott Weiland’s veins on a Sunday morning.

Black Eyed Peas are the new LEN,Orson the new New Radicals and if anyone knows of any nouveau Barenaked Ladies acts on the horizon let me know,IMMEDIATELY.

huffed out into the Top 40 since 2003’s Where Is The Love? has been time times more shit than the one before.

So when the preceding single was My Humps,you know you’re dealing with something very nasty indeed. Will I Am (AKA ‘Will This Do?’) and the ubiquitous Fergie puff and wheeze primary school skipping rhymes over Dick Dale’s immense Miserlou riff from Pulp Fiction - it’s unmitigated wank. Where do they go from here exactly?

Record No.31 Orson – NoTomorrow Crime – No fucking clue,more like

they were ever compounded.

Orson make pop music so yawnful and pig shit-flavoured that your body literally exhudes IQ points from every pore each time you hear it.

FERGIE: Wet with anticipation WELLES:Shit

Tipped by,er,nobody as a hybrid of Maroon 5 funk and the New Radicals’ MOR feelgood pop. Two factors which,if they were elements,would cause the universe to implode on itself if

Imagine five Jay Kays mixed with the personality of a bucket of octopus urine, throwing Status Quo shapes to what,in their heads,is a rockin’ and reelin’ top-time of sun-kissed LA grooves. Or,to everyone else except US high-schoolers,a quintet of po-faced jizzmongers looking at themselves and saying: “We’re too good for America, let’s inflict our asses on the UK charts instead.” Thanks

guys! Please excuse me while I cut off my head with a Phantom Planet-shaped axe.

I’ll finish proceedings with a quote from a members of the official Orson website forum: “Jason is MINE!!!!!!! omg Jason is fit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DANNY MCFLY IS MY SEX GOD LOL XXXXXXXXX random madness is the best prescription xxxx.”

This ignorant prepubescent bint has thus far made no less than 881 posts of consistent drivel in the three minutes that the band has existed. I rest my case.

Record No.30 Black Eyed Peas – Pump It Crime – Another brick in the wall of the shithouse