Quench Issue 57 - 15 Oct 2007

BVoyeur

ittersweet greetings this issue, as Quench has a competitor lurking between the swaddling folds of our prestigious dust jacket gair rhydd: the candidates’ manifestos.

Student elections are back for the second time this year, which is good for me because it gives me something to write about, but bad for a lot of people who don’t like having their personal space invaded.

From the candidates themselves, expect a minimum of turgid soapbox posturing and, in its place, a heavy dose of sugar-coated freebies and carefully practiced smiles. Student democracy is a strangely deformed creature, uncomfortably moulded to the whims of an impossibly diverse student population.

Which, of course, only encourages us to love and hate student elections in equal measure - and that includes the campaigners. Getting up at 5am just so you can obtain prime position for your banner over the Union steps is no fun. Shamelessly flaunting yourself in a desperate bid for acceptance is pretty sad, and besides, it makes you feel a bit... well... dirty.

But, you know, I actually loved it. I thought I’d hate it and I didn’t, partly because it’s grassroots enough to stay connected to students, and partly because it clearly walks a fine line between ‘serious’ student politics and being a complete joke.

And wonderfully, occasionally, it becomes plain farcical. One enthusiastic pre-English lecture shout saw a student stand up while a giant ketchup bottle was in full flow to shout the immortal words, “We want to learn!”. We’re plumbing new depths of desperation when a student screams those words, people.

Hooray for the gay bomb! A US researched weapon that could provoke ‘homosexual dalliances’ amongst enemy troops - or any large gathering, presumably - this is easily the pinnacle of US military achievement so far. Poppers? Nah, I’m definitely taking a gay bomb to the next party.

e-shopper

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The last interview:

Ben Griff ith

Singer/songwriter, Brighton

Last song you wrote?

A song called Solitaire. I can’t stop singing it, which is a good sign, and it puts me in a great mood....even though it’s about unrequited love.

Last thing you ate?

Kasugai Peas & You - like marrow fat peas but dried and covered in wasabi! Hot hot hot, but very addictive;)

Last thing you stole?

A pen from Barclays bank. It doesn’t work anymore...Karma methinks.

Last time you checked your social networking website? Last night. I tend to check myspace and facebook about seven o’clock every night if I can.

Last thing you bought?

A record player so I can play my EP on vinyl....it’s a dream come true actually making a real record!

Last thing you killed?

My tomato plants. I really really tried....but they died > Last thing you do before you go to bed?

Brush my teeth and turn off all my gadgets. I’ve been trying to reduce my carbon footprint recently, especially as we do so much travelling with the band around the country for gigs. Makes me sleep better I think.

Atom bomb

Gay bomb!

STYLE

ith Am r Duval - dis nser

“Hello girls, boys and in-betweeners! Amber Duval here. Goodness, after last week’s ghastly display of fashion apathy, I can see we’re going to have to strip you right down to the ground, you disgusting little plebs! This week, I’d like to focus my attention on gentlemanly style. Of course, there is no finer protector of one’s thrupney bits than the timeless elegance of the codpiecebut I understand that not everyone can afford a custom-made suit of armour like my dear departed husband Ernest, god bless his millions. Still, I’m sure you can do better than this week’s gourmet assortment of apathetic tea-baggers. Toodle-oo!

This issue: Am r visits the Students’ Union

“When my uncle isn’t wearing dresses, he occasionally slips on a pair of corduroys. They do look rather dapper! Still, this unfortunate chap’s pulling a face like he’s just gobbled a bowl of cockporridge! Filthy!

“Now that Ernie’s dead, I keep him in a little pot over the mantlepiece, next to the faberge eggs. Occasionally I give him a little stir. This morning I rubbed his ashes all over my body! Awful slaggery.”

“Do you suppose that this gentleman has ever even heard of Harpers Bazaar? His cocksure stance rather reminds me of my dishy gardener and his deft handling of my shrubbery, even if he does look like a bit of a simpleton!”

IS THIS YOU?

This week is a rollover, so if this is you, you’ve won a Proclaimers album & magazine AND Tell No-One on DVD. Actually quite good! Send an email to Voyeur!

PHOTO: Ed Salter

PHOTO: Amy Harrison

PHOTO: Els Assinder

PHOTO: Els Assinder

PHOTO: Els Assinder

Should we break away from our daytime-tvwatching stereotype, and start behaving like hard-working students? Or maybe make room for both? Debate seeks opinions...

The average student spends over £400 on TV licenses whilst studying an undergraduate degree. Countless meals must have been skipped, innumerable pints of lager left unpurchased, and as many as seven “competitively priced” books will have sat dusty on their shelves to make provision for this most basic of human needs. Yet, between lectures, seminars and countless fire-drills there is seldom time for one to capitalize on this investment. Lecturers must swallow their pride and accept the occasional small audience.

Laziness does not enter the equation: for the msn/myspace/facebook generation T.V. is about stability. What has remained the same for us all in these uncertain times are the trusty TV and bedcover.

I've yet to meet a lecturer who can cure a hangover, homesickness and keep me distracted from the sleeping stranger in the next seat. However, I have spent many hours with Phil, Fearne and a certain Mr Kyle and I've yet to use an Alkaseltzer.

So, homesick fresher or thirdyear under pressure, give yourself something you can rely on. Be it analogue or digital, thermal quilt or a trusty Tesco value 4.5 tog - a morning with the T.V. will make all your worries slide away. Steven Kenward

Learning might actually prove to be fairly useful at some point. Like when those exams come around, I’m going to have notes, and the (possibly extremely ignorant) satisfaction that I’m going to be revising, as opposed to learning the whole year in a few nights of panic.

Let us not forget though the smug power you hold over others when they discover you went to all your lectures, no matter how big the night was. To be honest, focusing your mind on something other than how diluted your blood seems to be ithe best way to avoid a

Lizz Rice

hangover anyway, and a lecture has the possibility of granting you a better topic of conversation than who added you on Facebook.

So, to be missing £100 lectures for the sake of television, a box of stories that have absolutely nothing to do with your own lives, seems like a bit of a waste of time to me. We should remember that getting here in the first place means we hopefully have some kind of brain, and we should use it while our bodies are young enough and naive enough to cope with burning the candle at both ends.

We must choose to either be punctual and committed to our lectures and seminars, or survive via late night blackboard 'catch-up' sessions. The advantage of actually going to lectures on time (and hopefully in the right order) is that it is far easier to stay on top of the work load when the person giving the lecture consistently refers to readings that you had no idea you should have read, or heard of for that matter, as opposed to discover-

ing this during a crucial end of term exam. However, the obvious downside to this is that learning is taking up too much valuable sleep time and you have to walk more than should be legal to and from these lectures. It isn’t possible to finish a course without occasionally attending. Of course I plan to sleep through many myself. I believe you should attend the majority so that way you can work hard, play hard, and always have time for sleep.

Dan Kiss

Sofie Jenkinson

Oh! We do like to be beside the seaside...

What is it about the foreign sun that turns the majority of British citizens into a slathering pack of loudmouth busybodies and overbearing culture whores?

Skin blisteringly hot coach journeys, holiday reps like the ‘popular’ girls from school and suspicious glances from fellow Britain’s are just some of the things you seemingly have to put up with to embark on your average package holiday. The reward: a reasonably priced paradise where you can still watch British sport and alcohol is served in metric units which make your cup a whole lot bigger.

day pace the main players started to emerge. Nightmare couple, Birmingham supporter’s family and man-thatlooks-like-hippo to name but a few. And that’s when it happened, that’s when lying by the pool became a macabre holiday version of actually being in Eastenders.

You’ve never been judged until it’s been from across a pool by a whole family of beady eyes from Dudley. You have my word. There is just something so dissatisfying about spending your time in reasonablypriced-paradise with a bunch of

Speaking of the Daily Mail, they seemed to have saved the Tory party’s ass of late, by getting on side. Interesting.

They are obviously not a paper made up of aesthetically driven people given that the majority of the Tory party look like skinned worms with the occasional deformed toe thrown in here and there.

You’ve never been judged until you’ve been

judged

by a whole family of beady eyes from Dudley

Recently I found myself in such a paradise, where beer came in the kind of tankards that make pint glasses quiver in their sleep. It was glorious, it was fabulous and it was brilliant. That was, until, on the second day two things occurred. Firstly I ‘had’ to attend a welcome meeting taken by the aforementioned rep from hell. During these 30 minutes of my life (which I will never get back) I was poked and prodded in different directions by various leaflets and car hire brochures in an attempt to convince us to purchase some kind of added holiday extra. 36 euros to go and roast myself on the hull of a boat alongside a village sausage sizzling on the ‘complementary’ barbeque with a bunch of people that I am more than likely to push overboard at some point during this ‘luxury mini-cruise’. I’m alright thanks.

Secondly I went for a morning by the pool. As pools go it was pretty spectacular, surrounded by rolling mountains and beautiful blue skies. As time ticked on at a glorious holi-

Birmingham supporters; there’s no challenge, there’s little enjoyment and you can (usually) understand their customs and phrases. No fun.

As well as never providing challenging or enjoyable company British holiday goers partake in an ever increasing list of crimes against humanity including: being unable to discipline their children, often leading to them being ignored and therefore becoming increasingly louder and performing “the bomb” in the pool too early in the day and drenching every single person there, eating English breakfast when there are piles of perfectly amazing fruit, constantly judging you with their small eyes and weighing up the likelihood of your top being from Topshop, being louder and having worse accents than anyone in the world and last, but by no means least complaining about everything within earshot of everyone. This includes things that cannot be solved such as wasps, flies and the direction of the sun. Oh yeah, and every single British person on holiday seems to read the Daily Mail - yes, that is ironic and as usual, highly idiotic.

Not that looks are what politics is about or that Gordon Brown is the political equivalent of George Clooney, but it does seem to have a moderate amount of influence. And this is where I come to George Osborne - the most subtle worm of the lot, whose cunning sidestep on inheritance tax seems to have saved the right-wing day. But all that remains to be reflected on here is that however wormy and slimy Cameron, Osborne and Lord Ashcroft (below) seem, it almost certainly will not compare to the amount of slime we all find ourselves slipping around if they manage to slide their way into the populations affections. And it will be those trying to cover their slimey exterior in Saville Row suits, a la Osborne that will be at their most dangerous.

THE TEAM

Ican’t make it funny for you to put into print man! But Jamie ( bass guitar) he has the KILLA moves man. This one time he was like down to his knees until he was on the floor. And I was just laughing so much, and then when we came off stage I was like ‘what the hell were you doing?’ He was like, ‘I dropped my plectrum man, so i was rocking down to the floor to pick it up.’ He looked like he was getting well into it; like spinal tap. (Ninja, vocals) We thrash in our own way, like. Ninja needs some space to strut her stuff onstage. We should get one of those martial arts dummies to beat when we’re performing.It’s all about having enough space. (Ian, songwriter) When you work so hard, its important to unleash. Recording is about being meticulous, and live performance for us it’s almost about letting go. What’s good about us in particular is the live thing. Everyone kind of brings their own style to the performance, and even the way we all move is different. (Ian) Glastonbury, it’s both amazing and hideous at the same time. The show this year was pretty kick ass, but I guess we just didn’t really wana be there for 3 days. The mud was a nightmare! The first time we played Glastonbury, it was a disaster like. We headlined the John Peel stage and the mixing decks blew up a couple of songs in. We were totally oblivious though, and people were shouting, ‘we can’t hear anything!’ I had to stay on stage and entertain this crowd. So i just started dancing. The whole time i was thinking, ‘what’s going on?’ I felt like I was up there on my own for hours man. (Ninja)

There’s been a tiny hint of like Beatle mania or something, at some of our bigger shows. We’ve been lucky enough to have quite a few really stupidly big gigs, you know like Benicassim and the Electric Picnic in Scotland, that was immense for us. (Ian)

I was well disappointed when I had to speak in English at Bennicassim. I learnt Spanish and everything. Whenever I said something the crowd always were like silent. So then I realised! It’s mainly British kids isn’t it? (Ninja) I went to uni for a bit but I didn’t get into student life.I wasn’t a proper student. I went to fresher’s week and went to some of the nights once, but never went back. After lectures people would be like ‘ahh you coming down to the pub have a pint have a drink, and I was like NARRRR! I’m going home. (Ninja)

When we first started we just made up loads of stories about how we met. The truth is, it wasn’t a uni thing and it wasn’t a Brighton thing. Us girls are from London. The lads are from Brighton. Each has a special place, except London is better of course! (Ninja!)I don’t think that being from Brighton has really affected me, my writing or our music. It’s not really about anyone’s life. Its not like oh I’m going to sing about my life, this is my world, this is my scene. Instead it’s about getting random stuff and putting it all together. Like, i’m just the gatherer of collective second hand memories. ( Ian)

It’s kinda like a puzzle, where you put all the pieces together, is songwriting. So far I’m the one who has written the songs, but there’s probably about five ideas going into one song and they can all come from really random places you know. Like something I’ve said into my phone, or something off a documentary. Sometimes everything just fits together, and sometimes you have to work at it. ( Ian)

It’s easy to juggle your influences when you know how. But If you’ve got drums, guitar and vocals or whatever, and try the whole rocky thing you’ll just die man. We are all into different stuff though, we just play what we like. ( Ninja) I’m bored of the stuff in the charts. I don’t have an ipod and I refuse to buy one. So I’m mainly listening to world music at the moment cos, as i said, I’m bored. It’s mainly Brazilian and African stuff. You’d be amazed how similar the two styles are. I would say yeah, i’m massively influenced by that kinda stuff. (Ninja) We’ve got this glowing Frisbee which is perfect for night Frisbee. Frisbee entertains us on tour. Car parks, corridors, you name it we’ve frisbeed there. Maybe we’ll have a go on your S.U balcony. ( Ian) The bands on the NME tour with us, they’re great! Especially Operator Please they’re wicked, give them a listen. Although, they’re all so young. They make us feel old like, it’s terrible. ( Ninja) We’d rather be in Japan. I guess everyone says that, but it’s true, it’s amazing. It has to be by far the best place to tour. We’re alright like too. Cos two of us can speak Japanese. (Ninja) Vote tory? We’d rather top ourselves! (Ian)

Interview Lucinda Day and Mike Bateson-Hill Photos Ed Salter

The Go! Team are currently headlining the UK NME tour. The second album, Proof of Youth, is out now.

Interviews give Stereophonics a grilling on their upcoming tour and album

‘It’s like all the best stuff we’ve ever done, condensed into one ultimate record,’ exclaims an excited Javier Weyler of the Stereophonics, with regards to the new and highly anticipated album ‘Pull the Pin.’ Indeed, there is certainly a hefty enough back catalogue of best bits for them to gain inspiration from. This will tally as their sixth studio album since they were fresh faced, and fresh meat, for V2 records, and signed way back in (what now seems like a lifetime ago) 1996. So what to expect from their (in Javier’s words) ‘best’ record yet?

‘Big melodies, big guitars and big anthems shall dominate. It’s most definitely what we would call a rock album,’ he insists. This is, of course, what we would typically expect from the Stereophonics, but Javier is quick to point out that they are not to be written off as boring and past it just yet, ‘we have most definitely progressed,’ he states defiantly. This, apparently, has something to do with their ‘finding themselves in a place now, where (they) can actually enjoy what (they) do, without pressure.’

Indeed, Stereophonics seem to somewhat refreshingly prove that sheer staying power, for all its negative connotations, can after all be embraced as a virtue, especially within the seemingly fickle climate of the music industry. ‘We can feel relaxed now and just have a good crack at what we do. Chilling out with mates, having a laugh, playing some music. That’s what we are all about now.’

This, according to the band, will not only translate into their latest record, but more importantly, their live performances, ‘we’re all feeling pretty confident with our upcoming tour, we’re comfortable with ourselves, and playing with

each other you know? And we’re performing together so, so well now; we’ve just done some amazing warm up shows in Eastern Europe.’

Their somewhat mammoth Uk tour commences this November, and will see the ‘phonics rock out at pretty much every city (and in some places twice!) across the country. Cardiff is no exception to this trend, and will, in fact, see the band perform three consecutive nights in a row, to keep their faithful welsh fans happy: ‘ it’s always so special for the guys (Kelly and Richard Jones) to go back home and play, because that’s where it all started out of course. We were initially only playing two nights in Cardiff, but it went down so well we changed it to three.’

Yet, surely this army of die –hard fans, and the bands’ long term popularity must remove an element of excitement from live performance? And do the band miss playing the dingy venues, and winning an ignorant audience around? ‘Well, actually, we are all so excited about the tour precisely because we will be playing the big arena,’ states Javier. ‘In larger venues, such as the ones we are playing, we will have great sound, great lighting, and generally a great production as a whole. Similarly, the fans love that we can play them a huge back catalogue of anthems, as well as our new stuff, it contributes to a wonderful atmosphere.’

Of course, Javier himself had to learn an entire archive of Stereophonics anthems after replacing former drummer Stuart Cable, following his somewhat public sacking, back in 2004. ‘It was kind of difficult I suppose,’ muses Javier, ‘I had to learn to play all the songs. But it was also very natural for me to join the band. I’d known the guys for

a long time, we jammed together and it worked.’ It has, in some circles, actually been suggested that it was Javier’s joining of the band that injected the refreshed energy that led to the success of the 2005 album Language. Violence. Sex. Other. While this is, of course, debateable he is certainly bubbling with enthusiasm when he talks to me, so much so that you can’t help but want to believe that Stereophonics will, indeed, be back with that ‘magical energy’ he gushes about.

Perhaps Javier’s fresh approach has something to do with his interest in contemporary music, ‘my musical tastes are all over the place really. I mean I listen to a lot of old stuff like Led Zep and that. Having said that, I love keeping in touch with what’s going on now. It’s really inspiring to watch young bands. That’s one of the reasons we’ve got The Enemy supporting us. In my opinion they are one of the best bands in the UK right now.’

So what advice would the wise (and rapidly ageing) give to young aspiring rock stars? ‘Keep on trying and be truthful to your being. Nobody knows better than you about what you want to do, or what music you want to write. So just stick to your guns, keep your head down. Everyone deserves a chance, but ultimately it really does depend how hungry you are for it.’ And with that somewhat eloquent speech, Javier just about convinces me that there might be life in Stereophonics yet.

Interview: Lucinda Day

The new Stereophonics album, Pull The Pin, is out on October 15th. The UK tour commences in November.

matt ers of life and Dev

As Ex- Test Icicle scenester re-invents the wheel, and himself with a collection of new songs; Interviews probe young Dev Hynes about what makes him tick.

“Ikinda play stuff and have loads of styles that I do. I just rolled with it.” Murmurs ex- Test Icicle Dev Hynes playing with a sparkly D-12 medallion hung round his neck. Tonight sees the ex proto punk ditch the synths and drum machines in favour of a wooden guitar and violin with a new set of songs to match, recorded with none other than Bright Eyes mastermind Mike Mogis. “Mike really liked it so we kept talking on the phone and I went over and we just kind of fleshed it all out.”

Looking at the musicians involved in the recording of the album clearly having Mogis on board hasn’t done any harm at all. “You know with the drum thing I considered doing it myself” Dev explains, “it wasn’t even meant to be the guy from The Faint it was meant to be Janet Rice from Sleater -Kinney but she couldn’t do it. The rest of it was just people hanging out; like The Good life were recording at the same time so Tim Kasher sings on the next single.” Cue indie super group anyone! So evidently Dev is in capable hands.

Whilst some may think this change of style is merely an attempt to distance himself from the often-ridiculed Test Icicles, or to jump onto any old acoustic bandwagon, it appears Hynes is just playing for the hell of it and just doing whatever “comes out.” Yet for someone that has been so prolific on the Internet it’s ironic that he has yet to release his album. Asking why he has left the album to ferment after it has been finished for so long Dev replies “ I didn’t. Domino did. I’ve got the next album ready.”

Yet rather than resting on his laurels it seems that Dev is making an active decision to move away from the standard music industry pattern of single-album-single, taking action into his own hands and putting music out at liberty. “The thing is I’m really into hip hop. I’m kind of from a hip-hop background and that’s just how it is, you know, if they’ve got new material they just put it out you know. They don’t even consider waiting till an album comes out. Say tomorrow, I wrote an amazing song, it could happen” Dev jokes, “and say I recorded it and it sounded good I’d

just put it online”. Asking about any future e-projects Dev discusses his own recording of Green Day’s ‘Nimrod’ with female songstres Florence, of Florence and The Machine fame. “Nimrod was Florence’s idea. She just came round to my house saying look what I just brought and I said oh that’s such a good album. Lets record it now! Although I am more of a Warning fan.” Green Day fans decide amongst yourselves. Probing his other influences Dev cites “gods” Weezer as his idols. Asking whether a Weezer covers album can be expected any time soon Dev shouts “No! My album sounds like a Weezer covers album anyway. I like them too much. I just couldn’t do that”. Dev also names Chicago’s second best export Cas Macomb’s as his biggest influence; second only to Fall Out Boy who, in the words of young Devonte Hynes “will always be at the top”.

Interview Michael Bateson - Hill

Lightspeed Champion are on tour now.The new single, Midnight Surprise, is out on the 15th of October.

tales of the

From cat-fighting prostitutes to Bollywood movie cameos, the intrepid traveller never really knows what’s round that next corner. Here are some of our favourite tales of when it didn’t quite go as planned…

The Railway Children

Every gap year is sure to throw horrifying and outrageous situations into the path of the naïve eighteen year old, and I’m convinced there are no exceptions.

Having successfully avoided Delhi-belly for an impressive two days, I smugly boarded the train to Darjeeling, all limbs intact despite the concerted efforts of tooting rickshaw wallahs to mow down the unsuspecting tourist.

passports, two bemused youngsters sweating profusely and gazing with horror at the departing platform.

Standing in the middle of a car-

of my petrified partner. In desperation, we dropped our rucksacks and perched on their edges, still harbouring a respect for our belongings carefully packed inside.

The conductor demanded to know why we were sitting in the middle of his food cupboard

Cheerfully, after clambouring up the steps, I turned round to grin excitedly at my fellow gappers at the prospect of experiencing Indian rail travel for the first time. Except there were no fellow gappers, just two rucksacks big enough to carry several small children, two mouldy

riage swarming with irritable Indian families and howling children, I looked into the eyes of my horrorstricken partner and knew that we were doomed, for the next eighteen hours at least. We stomped through the train with little regard for small babies lying lethargically on the floor, frantically searching for a glimpse of a blue eye, a flash of blonde hair, a familiar rucksack, or a stray Lonely Planet. Panic set in as I reached the front of the train, saw the puzzled eyes of the driver followed by those

Within minutes, an appalled Indian ticket conductor demanded to know why we were sitting in the middle of his food cupboard, red-faced and ticketless. After hasty explanations we shared a surprisingly happy and contented twelve hours with cucumbers, buginfested rice, Mr Roy of the Rajdhani Express and his team of fellow chefs. Just two days, nine hours and approximately thirty-three minutes after gingerly stepping onto Indian soil, we were ostracised from the rest of the group and thoroughly enjoying it.

Rachel McWhinney

Beer and loathing in Bangkok

Touch down in Bangkok: five 18 year old lads stumble off an 11 hour flight bleary eyed, bed haired and dribbling nonsensical sentences about check in or check out, something to do with our bags, who knows.

Anyway, to cut a long story short we had too much stuff, no idea where we were going, who we were going with and, more importantly, how to survive parentless, penniless and pissed for the next five months of our lives.

lers hang out. However, the first girl I spoke to told me the heart-warming story of how her best friend got his head cut off whilst repairing a lift! Apparently that wasn’t a joke…woops, shouldn’t have laughed.

Countless litres of beer drank through funnels and other random kitchenalia later, my mate decides I need dreadlocks. I wasn’t capable of deciding which foot goes in front of the other so I mumbled something like, “wgef9£%”$)Q!£(DFSDF” and we set off to the all night hairdressers

Countless litres of beer later, my mate decides I need dreadlocks

“Let’s get drunk” Matt proclaims: and drunk we got…oh, how drunk we got.

We ended up in a sports bar where loads of “cool and interesting” travel-

just down the road.

As the third dread was “rubbed” - who knows the process - I was violently sick on the floor and escaped without any shoes as my friend

started to clean up. Once free, still shoeless with 3 dreads, I started my epic escape, which involved passing out on the pavement 50 yards from the hairdressers. Not bad for our second night. Will Hall

Affects decision-making apparently

Terrorist on the Nile

For the past five weeks, I had lived and worked on a rustically paradise-esque Kenyan island. No running water or electricity, and yet continually soaked, whether from dizzy happiness, primate piss or the insanity of the humidity. Richard Branson and his budding tycoons may not have appreciated it, but I certainly did.

From the wonderful feeling of integration within a culture that wasn’t, but I often wished was, my own, I suddenly found myself alone in Kenya with one month to spare before another project began in South Africa.

Deciding that I fancied a peek at the mighty Victoria Falls, I did what any budding intrepid explorer would do; I text my mum to see if she could get me a cheapo deal on flights to Zambia. When the extortionate cost was revealed, ‘flights’ turned into 15 hour bus journeys and motorbike or ‘boda-boda’ taxi-rides at horrendously high speeds. The majestic waterfall of Zambia/Zimbabwe had also turned into the swirling Nile River rapids of Uganda.

A day of the most prolonged fear I have ever experienced, catapulted into grade 5 rapids, ranging in name from the unfortunately factual ‘Dead Dutchman’ to the more subjective ‘G-spot’, was also accompanied by a

truly surreal encounter.

Now, generally, I believe use of the word ‘terrorist’ has become far too widespread. But there are exceptions. Condemned to several life sentences for mass murder and as the first person to have ever been charged with ‘directing terrorism’, the world infamous Irish loyalist, whose raft we collided with that day is, however, someone who I feel qualifies for this socially-hindering label. It struck me as, at most, ironic, and, at least, quite amusing, that whilst I was an occupant of the designated ‘crazy raft’, Johnny ‘Mad Dog’ Adaire had opted for the security of the ‘safety raft’.

Furthermore, a few days previously I had adopted two travelling companions from Northern Ireland, who now sat with me in the raft, one of whom held the Catholic name ‘Mánus’ which, Adaire claimed, with some repugnance, caused him to feel ‘physically sick’. Fortunately, however, the waters of the Nile and old Johnny’s seeming fear of them ensured no bloodbath arose, and, on the plus, free from embarrassing pranks, this was certainly one entertaining April Fool’s Day which I’ll never forget!

Rachel Sackin

Bollywood star

On my year out I spent two months in India which offered so many incredible and unexpected escapades that I’d never imagine I’d do. Possibly my favourite, however, was acting in a Bollywood movie.

You can’t help but get sucked into the spirit of Bollywood when in Mumbai, so imagine my surprise when a nice man approached my friend and I with the opportunity of a lifetime.

‘Hi boys, you like to be in Bollywood Movie?’ he asked. We figured that if he turned out to be genuine we’d kick ourselves at passing up the chance. Genuine he was, as the next morning we boarded a bus to the alarmingly plush YRK Studios.

Stripped down to our smalls in a marquee, various stressed Indians threw different costumes at us. Originally I was ‘Party Guest’ but my rags turned to riches as I was bumped up to ‘Waiter’. This. Was. Rad.

The stage where the actor sung had two tiers and stairs running down either side; a rotating dance floor was the room’s centrepiece; a grand piano sat beneath a chandelier behind me and gold leaf everywhere. I couldn’t help but smile to myself as I thought that, at this moment all my friends back home were probably having lunch, watching Neighbours, or stuck hung over and depressed in a lecture and I was here!

What followed in the next 2 hours

basically consisted of me holding possibly the heaviest tray in the world as we waited for Bollywood’s answer to Brad Pitt to turn up to shoot his scene.

At this moment, all my friends

He was a bit of a wanker; as he took off his leather jacket, two of his minions hurled themselves at him to help take it off. He just cracked a smile.

I spent the rest of the day walking up and down the set ‘offering’ drinks to people and mourning the loss of my arm muscles. The actor sung, the dancers danced and all was pretty and sparkly, but by the end of the day I was so knackered that I almost forgot to pick up my 500 rupees (about 6 quid). I didn’t appreciate the extent of my celebrity status until I arrived here at our lovely University. We’d been told the film was called Kabir Alvida Naa Kehna (Never Say Goodbye) so imagine my surprise when I see a poster for the film pinned up at the Indian Society’s stall at the Society Fair. ‘Hey guys,’ I said approaching the people surrounding the stall and pointing at the poster, ‘I’m in that film.’

‘WHAT?’ was the reaction I got. Before I knew it I was surrounded by a myriad of hyper Bollywood enthusiasts asking me questions.

Despite the pressure, I’m trying not to let my newfound fame go to my head and I’m keeping my feet firmly on the ground.

Andrew Tweddle

First impressions of earth

Last year I naively set off to travel the world with a school friend. After what seemed like years of anticipation we finally found ourselves at Heathrow Airport laden with plenty of advice (important), condoms (more important) and salad cream (vital).

Our arrival in Bangkok was the most amazing and bewildering culture shock, and after walking miles to our hostel in the Patpong area we set out for our first taste of Thailand.

Many say the first thing to hit you in Bangkok is the

heat and humidity, and that was apparent. The first thing to literally hit me, however, was a handbag - in the face. More confused than angry, we tried to work out what had happened. To our amazement we had stumbled into a catfight between two local prostitutes! Alarmed, but, dare I say it, excited, we moved on up the street. After walking past numerous gogo bars and being offered the infamous ping-pong shows we found a

SC: survival food

would be back home watching neighbours

quiet little jazz bar.

It soon became obvious that, in Patpong at least, nothing is as it seems and after being manhandled by ‘ladyboys’ and offered endless taboos and sexual ‘fantasies’, we headed back to our hostel.

After Bangkok we travelled throughout Thailand and if I can give one piece of advice it is to see Bangkok briefly then venture south to the jungle and islands as you will get a better taste of this friendly, hospitable and intriguing culture.

Sam Hubble

Ahh alcohol... my dear friend. Or is it?

Gillian Couch explores the good, the bad and the somewhat ugly world of ʻbingeʼ drinking.

‘binger?’

So, Freshers has finished, you’ve probably got some form of flu or have run out of money thus preventing you from getting off your face again… for a few days at least. It would therefore, seem an appropriate time to delve into the world of alcohol; only, in the literal sense this time.

A key concern of recent times is that of ‘binge drinking’. I don’t know about you, but I seem to find myself getting increasingly annoyed with the willy-nilly use of the phrase. This is for several reasons:

No.1: There is no actual definition; instead there are loads of contradictory definitions, depending on where you look. I’ve heard binge drinking defined as: 5, 8 or 11 drinks on one occasion, drinking half a bottle of spirits or 2 bottles of wine, and I was recently instructed by a Cardiff University coaster that for a girl, 4 units meant a binge. Ludicrous I tell you! The guideline amounts suggest 2-3 units per day for a lady and 4-5 units per day for a gentleman, also reminding us that it’s not ok to save up all your units for a boozeup at the end of the week. Oh, and you should have a couple of days off. Quite some conflicting advice.

No. 2: The press coverage of binge drinkers generally portrays sloshed folk who’ve forgotten their names, where they live and are generally causing some sort of havoc. These are obviously extreme examples and if some of the aforementioned binge definitions are anything to go by, a person polishing off their first cocktail could be deemed a binge drinker. Once again demonstrating how unclear this label is.

No. 3: A person going out at the weekend, say a Saturday night,

which probably means their work / job will not risk being affected by the inevitable Sunday-morning, Hollyoaks-watching hangover, is a binge drinker if they’ve had more than one large glass of wine. In my opinion, this does not equal a binge drinker.

No. 4: The definitions don’t only vary in the UK, they are different internationally; in the UK binge drinking is defined as consuming more than 11 drinks on one occasion. However, in Sweden it is defined by having half a bottle of any spirit or two bottles of wine, and in Italy, drinking 8 drinks on one occasion is considered normal.

It is obvious that the term ‘binge drinker’ is far too loosely used to retain much significant meaning and has such a degree of stereotyping attached to it, that it seems unfair to use it without considerable justification.

I was recently instructed by a Cardiff University coaster that for a girl, 4 units meant a binge

Alcohol dependence is yet another problem. By searching Google I was able to find a number of quizzes, which boast to be able to assess your dependence upon alcohol.

I attempted a few of these. On www.about.com I answered ‘yes’ to 6 out of 20 questions and received this advice: ‘You are drinking too much and need to change your habits… You may well be addicted to alcohol, or about to be. You need to cut down your drinking – now!’ Not quite the reassuring result I was hoping for. And then there’s the CAGE questionnaire on www. netdoctor.com, which is compiled of 4 questions. If 2 are answered positively, you are likely to have some level of alcohol dependence. Four of my friends and I all answered ‘yes’ to questions 1 and 3. Again, not reassuring, but have a go yourself! Although these tests are obviously just guidelines, and very basic, there seems to be a very thin line, perhaps a dotted one, between enjoying a drink (or 2, or 10, socially) and having some form of alcohol problem.

The student and university lifestyle, in my experience, go hand in hand with alcohol. Just think of freshers, students’ unions, initiations, societies, student nights etc… There’s a whole lot of alcohol activity amidst the studying, which proposes the thought: should students be given some sort of grace in the binger-label/dependence status?

It’s the one time of your life when you’re old enough to drink and socialise in such a way without having the many responsibilities

that post-grad life threatens. I’m sure many students would agree that therefore the most should be made of this opportunity with the knowledge that graduation year and the wider world is likely to bring Mr. Sobriety and Ms. Responsibility with it.

I am, of course, not instructing every student to go out, get drunk and do nothing else. This would be irresponsible and I have learnt the error of such ways in light of recent events… On coming home last Tuesday morning, post birthday celebrations, I tested which of our hob rings had been inadvertently been left on, with my hand. Needless to say a lot of screaming and crying ensued as I went off to A&E with a severely burnt hand, had it wrapped up and sent back home again, feeling silly and sorry for myself. Although my injury was only partly to do with being drunk and mostly due to having a very old and rubbish electric oven, which has no indication of being on, it is very easy to see how drunkenness accounts for 150,000 hospital admissions each year. This is clearly a hazard of alcohol and one that is acknowledged, but shouldn’t be forgotten.

I guess what I’m trying to say is have fun, but be safe and have at least one day a week off!

CAGE questionnaire: Have you ever… Cut down on your drinking?

Annoyed by others criticising your drinking?

Guilty about your drinking?

in the morning to steady your nerves or get rid of a hangover? (Eye opener.)

to have some level of If 2 are answered positively, alcohol dependence

Myth: drinking beer causes a ‘beer belly’.

Fact: eating too much causes a ‘beer belly’, however this is often increased by alcohol, which works as an appetiser.

Myth: People who abstain from alcohol are ‘alcohol-free’.

Fact: Every person produces alcohol normally in his or her body 24 hours each and every day from birth until death. Therefore, we always have alcohol in our bodies.

www.postdam.edu

Fact: the level of blood alcohol content (BAC) is what determines sobriety or intoxication. Remember that a standard drink of beer, wine, or spirits contain equivalent amounts of alcohol. you are likely

Myth: switching between beer, wine and spirits will lead to intoxication more quickly than sticking to one type of alcohol beverage.

Things worth knowing...

The Department of Health gives the following guidelines on alcohol units: (In cut-out form to stick on your fridge... or somewhere equally important.)

A pint of ordinary strength lager - 2 units

A pint of strong lager - 3 units

A pint of ordinary bitter - 2 units

A pint of best bitter - 3 units

A pint of ordinary strength cider - 2 units

A pint of strong cider - 3 units

A 175ml glass of red or white wine - around 2 units

A pub measure of spirits - 1 unit

An alcopop - around 1.5 units a year. year. hospital each year.

STATS FROM THE BEEB

Question of the week

Who would win in a straight fist fight between David Cameron and Gordon

What did you say?

“ “

*50 people in the Taf on the night of Carnage

Your Say

My housemate and I have been debating for weeks - does the Pandabird really exist? I say no, it is a lie that you have created because your section is shit. My housemate says yes, and that the reason no one can find any more photos or information on the web is because the Chinese Government has banned the spreading of information about this so called “endangered species” as it is a bad omen in China. Stop messing us around, are you lying?

No. We arenʼt. And to be honest, weʼre a little insulted that you think we would. And to prove it, we have further evidence of the Pandabirdʼs existence. This artistʼs impression was smuggled out of China in the late 80s, and cost all of those involved their lives. So maybe, show a little respect next time you send in a whingy letter...

“ “ “ “ Ouch -Prince Harry as he snorts vodka in Namibia

But now he’s out and happy

-Pete Doherty’s minder, Johnny “Headlock” Jeannevol

Ouch

-John Terry, after breaking his face

The Breakfast Club

Going Out presents your guide on where to eat... the morning after the canteen

CF10// Students’ Union

Cheap and cheerful fry-ups with a reasonable veggie choice. The cafeteria feel may not be your thing, but it’s ideally situated for pre-lecture breakfast and coffee catch-ups later on.

the average alternative

Cafe 37// 37 Salisbury Road

Best to opt for the bigger brekky here if you’re on a quest for value. For £4.90 you are given a far more wholesome offering over the £3.50 little brother version. The vegetarian friend we dragged along to sample the veggie variant complained that it was only available in one size but was won over by the originality of the sausages.

the classic greasy spoon Ramon’s// Salisbury Road

We’ve got to be honest and say that we were a bit too intimidated by the large crowds of big blokes in Ramon’s to actually sample its delights for ourselves. But we’ve been told countless times that whatever it looks like, they serve a mean breakfast in there and you can get copious quantities of all the grease you can handle, all for a couple of quid. And being right in the middle of Cathays means it isn’t far to stumble if you’re a second or third year. Don’t expect fine dining but if it’s a hardcore hangover cure you need, Ramon’s is probably the place for you.

the classier option isit?// 12 Wharton Street

If it wasn’t too much of a heavy night, think about wandering in here from St Mary’s Street and even do some shopping afterwards. It’s a nicer place than your average morning after hangout, but you can still get an impressive breakfast for under a fiver. Order a tea or coffee with your breakfast before 2pm and get free refills, or continue last night’s efforts and order up some champagne from the drinks menu.

the one for brunch

Cafe Calcio// 145 Crwys Road

Although coming in at a middle of the road price, Calcio aims to please both on the pocket and quality front. With breakfasts ranging from £4.50-£6.50 there is a size to suit all. The specialist ‘Fat B******’ literally lives up to this! What made this particular cafe stand out for us was the availability of brunch dishes such as smoked salmon and eggs, all for decent prices. As well as the impressive menu, the interior and layout of the place conjures up an appealing atmosphere. Considering this, it isn’t surprising that it recently catered for twenty-three members of the Welsh rugby team. Interestingly, other big names seen gracing the cafe include the Super Furry Animals and James Dean Bradfield.

oh, and by the way...

Our personal favourite from this Going Out experience was Cafe Calcio. But don’t just take our word for itgo and see for yourselves! If you’ve got any ideas about other places we can try out, however weird and wonderful, please let us know at the email address below. Cheers!

meeting mr ‘wright

Awaiting his gig at the CIA this month, Quench charts the rise

and balls of Rufus Wainwright

Since unabashedly bursting onto the music scene in 1998, Rufus Wainwright has recorded five albums, each one rife with hints of his influences, extending and revolutionising his ecclectic love of the oldies, opera and baroque styles of music.

Never one to shy away, he began playing the piano aged six and came out while still a teenager. His dad apparently clocked young Rufus pretty early on when he caught him mouthing the words to Heart of Glass in the car. Subtle this kid was not.

When he was 14, Wainwright was sexually assaulted in Hyde Park. After suggesting a romantic walk in the park with a male companion, he was strangled, robbed and raped, surviving only by pretending to be an epileptic and faking a seizure. He remained celibate for five years after the incident.

So Rufus had a pretty crazy childhood, yeah? Deciding to use music as a theraputic vent, he found himself concerned by such themes as sexuality, relationships, love, religion and everything else that is good and bad about life.

Wainwright’s first two albums received critical acclaim; Rolling Stone magazine recognized his self-titled debut as one of the best albums of the year and named him 1998’s “Best New Artist”. Things were looking good for our hero.

But what goes up must, inevitably, come down and Rufus was about to come down bigtime. Wainwright became addicted to crystal meth in the early 2000s. Things reached a scary low when he temporarily lost his vision due to overuse. Initially, instead of checking into rehab, he went to visit his father. “I knew I needed an asshole to yell at me, and I felt he fitted the bill”.

Wainwright and his father have had a pretty tempestuous relationship, echoes of which he translates

in his music. The singer touches upon his relationships with many members of his family in his music, perhaps most notably in Dinner at Eight where we get a little insight into his daddy issues. Inspired by a barney the pair had over a Vanity Fair cover, the song includes such cutting lines as “I’m gonna break you down and see what you’re worth.” Cripes. Don’t worry, they’re cool now.

His work is often accompanied by rock instrumentation or a symphony orchestra or with a hint of operatic drama or none of these, or all of them. He plays guitar and piano and switches between the two when performing live. He is inspired by a myriad of artists and uses little bits of all of them in creating a whole new sound. He performed a Judy Garland number at Glastonbury in drag. You’ve got to admit, the guy’s got class. If anything, Rufus is completely unpredictable; such is his undeniable charm.

Rufus is never afraid to say what’s on his mind, particularly concerning the land of the free. As well as a tipple in transvesticism, his Glasto performace also saw him donned in a star spangled suit to “symbolise the good and bad sides of America.”

Ever the enigma, he still refuses to confirm whether or not he’s totally sober, but after his fifth studio album Release the Stars was released early this year, who the hell cares? Audiences raped him (in a good way this time) and it reached number 2 in the UK. Recovering after his blast of deadly kryptonite, SuperRufus is most definately back.

A performer definitely worth his salt, Rufus is a gentleman and a shocker. So what could he possibly do to shock us now? Following his 2007-2008 tour, Wainwright plans to write his first opera, Prima Donna. Ah Rufus, we love you!

Wainwright @ CIA - 22/10/07

Self-confessed superfan Tom Dewhurst gives us his Rufus reccomendations

Poses from Poses

Not outrageous, but undeniably a gay anthem (see Gay Messiah below for an outrageous one!) With great imagery based on his idiosyncratic cerebro-classical themes, Rufus explores the shallow poses his world adopts, and thanks a friend for looking out for him: “Baby you said watch your head about it”. Rufus had been through a lot, and this is definitely from the bottom of his heart.

Gay Messiah from Want Two

The Gay Messiah’s coming (all puns intended), and “Rufus the Baptist” is sparing the holy fluids to confirm him. No holes barred here – this is naughty Rufus prophesizing a very gay future “reborn from 1970’s porn”. And what with civil partnership legislations since Want Two, it seems like it’s already being fulfilled. Always an awkward one in family car journeys: “Hey mum, put this on you’ll love it! Oh, wait, skip this track…’’

Tulsa from Release The Stars

An ambitious ode to the cocky Killer Brandon Flowers, inspired by a chance meeting in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Rufus loves glittering old Hollywood, and he’s trying to bring it back by canonizing Brandon here. He playfully croons, jokily nudging at the arrogant indie-glammer’s pride, hurled along by an incredible string arrangement.

Tired of meaningless sexual encounters? Bored of searching for a soulmate in the snakebite doused, labyrinthine recesses of the Students’ Union? Then perhaps we can help you to find...

MR RIGHT OR MS PERFECT

MEAL

Email our eager hostess now at blinddate@gairrhydd.com to arrange a blind date. You provide the conversation and we’ll keep the the wine flowing. Our dedicated, sultry love goddess Hazel P. Lush is an expert at enticing Cupid’s arrow to the table and guarantees that your blind date will be the single most satisfying evening of your life, ever.

Student Style

Sex and the City - After all the speculation and hype, filming for SATC, the movie is underway. Already, pictures show that stylist Patricia Field has been busy making Carrie and co. look as glamorous as ever.

‘Sister Act’ – Sienna and Savannah Miller have launched a new label Twenty8Twelve (Sienna’s birthday, naturally). It’s a little pricey but you can check it out at ASOS.com. In another sibling collaboration, Penelope and Monica Cruz’s range for Mango is now available. Their tartan mini-dresses are perfect for taking your summer wardrobe into Autumn.

Miss Moss - Kate’s been busy, her new perfume ‘Kate’ (original) is out, as is her second clothing range at Topshop (‘Kate Moss, Topshop.)’

Fashion on Show - If you’re heading up to London, check out the Matthew Williamson retrospective at London’s Design Museum, opens 17th October. Also, at the V&A, The Golden Age of Couture has stunning pieces from the ten years of post-war opulence, 1947 – 1957. Until January. 5

Star Buy NEWS

WIN a £50 Topshop voucher!

To win, tell us in 50 words why Topshop is so good for students. Email your answers to fashion@gairrhydd.com

We followed the scent to find our favourite mens’ fragrances and sniff out some killer tag-lines.

Armani, Code

“A sexy fragrance blend for the contemporary man in the know”. So..Sir Trevor Macdonald?

Calvin Klein, Truth

“A sexy and classic fragrance”. Would they lie to you?

Hugo Boss, Boss

“Clean and fresh for the 21st Century man.” The new Old Spice?

Ralph Lauren Polo, Blue “The definition of casual elegance”. Wear with Chinos and docksiders.

Issey Miyake, L’Eau D’Issey “A very sexy scent, almost tangy.” Hmmmmm.

Celebrity Fashion investigate the link betweem fashion

and celebrities

LEGGINGS: once the uniform of ‘90s kids, expectant mothers and the Pilates Posse. But no longer are they the stuff of LEGends. Join the crowd at the Union on any given night and you’ll see more leggings than in a Jane Fonda work out video. Who is responsible for this Lycra revolution? Is it the catwalk shows of international labels or would you agree that this trend sprung from A-Listers such as Mischa, Lindsay and Nicole?

The high-flying lifestyle of the celebrity is one which we aspire to, we want their money, houses, VIP passes and of course their clothes. Celebrities, not catwalks, have become our fashion icons, introducing us to the latest “big thing” and acting as our “dressing-up” guides or perhaps even gurus. With the huge rise of cheap gossip magazines, we can see what our celebrity style icons are wearing everyday of the week. We know what Mischa wore when lunching with Nicole, what Kate was snapped in as she dodged the Paparazzi and what outfit Victoria was sporting when she watched David play ‘soccer’. When we go shopping or get ready for a night out, most of us aim to “do a Mischa” not to do a “Gucci Autumn/Winter 2007”. Does this mean that celebrities are replacing the catwalks? Will there soon be a day when designers no longer have fashion shows but exhibit their new collections purely through celebrity exposure? This may not be too far from the truth now that celebs dominate the world of endorsements, think of Keira Knightley for Chanel, Si-

enna for Pepe Jeans and Kate Moss for nearly everyone else.

Kate Moss is no longer simply a ‘supermodel’ but also fits the label of ‘superstar’. Whilst still making her money as a model she has, by virtue of her professional success (and

social excesses) become a worldwide celebrity. This blurring of the boundaries between catwalk model and cover-star only serves to support the idea that instead of models and fashion shows we look to celebrities and glossy mags for the clothes to wear. Paris Hilton has made the move in reverse, finding herself on the catwalk at London Fashion Week last year. The likes of Penelope Cruz and Gwen Stefani have also crossed the divide, using their celebrity to launch labels of their own.

It may be over dramatic to suggest that the days of the catwalk are num-

bered. Traditions like these die hard. But as the John Galliano’s of this world unveil more and more ostentatious and elaborate costumes, so our need increases for celebrities to bridge the widening gap between high fashion and the high street.

Lohan and Co. have lead us down the road to skinny jeans and leggings which are now the staples of the high-street and hence our studentbudget wardrobes. The Catwalk made the move a few seasons ago to highwaisted wide-legged trousers (!), but it was only recently that they got the go ahead from Kate. A few solitary pairs are now appearing in the shops, is it only a matter of time now before they topple the Topshop leggings and the Union will be full of people who

Special

Emma Drake: Victoria Beckham

“You can’t go wrong with Victoria Beckham’s classic jeans and t-shirt style. Teaming it with a pair of pointy heels can instantly turn the outfit from casual to smart and her massive sun glasses are my must have for the walk to a nine o clock lecture. I love Victoria as no matter where she is or what she’s doing she looks immaculate from head to toe.”

Will Butterworth: Arctic Monkeys

“Whatever anybody says about the musical talent possessed by The Arctic Monkeys it is difficult to argue that their local lad image has not been a big part of their massive appeal. Parkers, jeans and retro sportswear suit their down to earth, anti-celeb attitude and is suitable for most social situations. Notably Matt (drummer) designed his own range for Supremebeing in 2007.”

Charlotte Harvey: Mischa Barton

“Quirky, funky but also natural, this is the appeal of Mischa. From the band groupie look to red carpet glamour, she always pulls anything off with effortless chic. She’s got the advantage of being tall and skinny, but she’s reinvented the girl next door look of jeans, a t-shirt and Vans. The real appeal of Barton is that she looks like she’s thrown the look together herself, adding personal touches.”

Hywel Pegler: George Clooney

“Being a bit of a silver fox myself, George Clooney is the natural choice as my style icon. Like a fine wine, Clooney has matured with age into A timeless sex symbol with universal appeal. His simplistic and sharp attire emanates effortless cool. Relaxed tailoring and subtle tones are key features of this look. I’m off to Vegas at Christmas….Oceans 14?”

There is genuinely no possible excuse for giving DJs microphones. Honestly, I have never met a DJ who actually has anything to say.

I’ll be honest, this is a feeling I’ve harboured for a while, however, it wasn’t until a night out in Solus last friday that I really felt a need to express it.

It was probably some time after 1am that night, which I must say for the sake of those I was out with (my lovely girlfriend and her friends etc.) was generally a lovely evening, that the verbally

offensive and downright dreadful DJs began to really get on my proverbial tits.

Seriously, when the highlight of the music being played unto the drunken dance-floor includes such non-classics as OPM’s Heaven is a Halfpipe and Stacey’s Mum by Fountains of Wayne you’ve got genuine issues already. If, as you would expect when you’re playing this kind of crap, those on the dancefloor don’t respond with full enthusiasm then the answer definitely doesn’t lie in picking up a micro-

phone and shout as loud as you can “Is everybody having a good time out there?”

If I’m going to have a good time then it’s not going to be because some twat with a microphone tells me to. I’m fairly sure bands don’t put instrumental sections in songs for you to shout over them and I am not, ever, going to sing the lyrics to Don’t Look Back In Anger back at you just because you tell me to. Seriously, shut the fuck up and play some Justin Timberlake. ST

Just before ‘emo’ had become the frustratingly bastardised term that it is today there existed Cap’n Jazz, an unfortunately short-lived explosion of beautifully piercing melody tucked underneath heavy blocks of loud brash guitars and strained vocals.

Their break-up In 1995 should have been a Tragedy for fans of the band, however instead it paved the way for American Football and their perfectly crafted

Kyle Ellison declares his undying love for: American Football LOVELETTERS

self-titled album.

Merging the melodically driven sentiments of the Midwest emo scene with peculiar rhythms and almost math rock styled technicalities, American Football produce a record that will make you feel. As a critic ‘emotional’ is a word that is almost impossible to use without sounding like a complete moron, yet there is a deep-rooted authenticity to Kinsella’s lyrics and their delivery that create an indisputable sense

of, err…emotion.

It’s an album that can only really be appreciated through good headphones, in complete concentration, preferably on a beach or a mountain. If relaxation had a soundtrack it would be this, and for me American Football is not only one of the albums of the 90’s but also the very reason why modern perceptions of emo music are so utterly infuriating.

Radio 1 DJ, champion of Welsh music and all-round sonic connoisseur, Huw Stephens talks to us about being the man behind south Wales’s most exciting new event.

Between the 9th and the 11th of November this year our fair town of Cardiff will come to it’s knees as some of the best new bands, hottest DJs and most exciting live acts around lay siege to the city.

The event we’re talking about is Swn festival, the newest addition to Cardiff’s musical calander and the man behind it is one Huw Stephens. As a DJ on Radio 1, initially in Wales as part of the duo Bethan and Huw and more recently as a replacement to John Peel on Huw Stephens Presents, as well as the various other pies he has his Welsh fingers in (DJ at Reading and Latitude for example) Huw has made quite a reputation for himself as a man who knows his stuff about music.

It makes logical sense then that if there is anyone who should be curating a major new celebration of all things music here in south Wales it should be Mr Stephens.

The idea behind Swn (prenounced sooon, kinda) is that the many bands

on the ever expanding bill will play across numerous venues around Cardiff over the weekend of the event, with larger events being held on more established in The Point and Clwb Ifor Bach, while many smaller shows take place in various bars across the city, including a Quench hosted night here in CF10.

We hope Swn will be a weekend to sample a lot of ace leftfield music and a generally good atmosphere.

“ ”

We recently caught up with Huw to find out a little more about the festival and what plans he has for it in the future.

“If all goes well with the first one

this year we definitely hope it’ll be a yearly event.” Explains Huw. “We haven’t done anything like this before, but we’re hoping it’ll be a roaring success of course. Scotland has Triptych which sees bands moving between three cities to play. In the long long term it would be great to see that happen to Swn, but for now making it the best possible in Cardiff is the plan.”

The events of Swn are not limited at the array of bands playing however, there is a large number cinematic and artistic events planned for the weekend too.

“There will be art in Chapter Arts Centre in Canton, upstairs at Jacobs Market by the train station, and G39 on Mill Lane. There’ll be films in Chapter too, and literary events and talks. We hope Swn will be a weekend to sample a lot of ace leftfield music, art and film, Cardiff as a city and a generally good atmosphere.”

As for picking bands to play the festival Huw seems

genuinely excited about a lot of the bands on the bill, however, when asked he’s ready to admit that there are a few absent names he would have liked to have been playing.

“Los Campesinos! are away playing a festival during Swn, but it would have been nice to have them play. Maybe next year! Same for Euros Childs. Meatloaf is playing in the CIA on the Sunday of Swn. I’d like to point out this has nothing to do with Swn, although it would be cool if it was.”

The full confirmed line-up for the festival, along with various other info, is currently available online at www.swnfest.com, although Huw assures us that the myriad of names already up there is not all.

“There’s more to come! Always! A new name crops up every day, so as soon as we confirm them we put them up online. All the names will be in the programme, being put together by Kruger as we speak.”

As for how to purchase tickets, all the information will be available on the aforementioned website. For those too lazy to get on the web though, Mr Stephens gave us a run down on how things are going to work.

“Tickets for The Cribs and the Annie Mac presents... gigs are separate, but you can buy a wristband for all the other gigs that will get you through the door, as long as there’s no queue.”

Here at Quench music we’re rather

excited about the events of the weekend (in case you hadn’t guessed) and think you all should be too.

Particular highlights are likely to include Beirut, who will bring their wonderful mixture of Balkan influence and American indie to the Point’s stage, and believe us, they’re very good live.

Two Gallants make a great racket for just two men with guitars and drums, and they’ve been known to get drunk and fight on stage at times. Similarly The Cribs never fail to be anything but outspoken, slagging off the NME between poppy-punk ditties, which is never a bad thing.

Most of all though Swn will be a great opportunity to check out many of the excellent local bands who wander the streets of Cardiff every day. If you’ve never experienced Gindrinker before then their Buffalo show is the perfect time to check them out. Similarly other local highlights, such as the blissful folk-pop of The Gentle Good or the intense mathematical rock of Truckers of Husk will also be strutting their stuff.

For those of you who don’t make it down over the weekend, Quench will be bringing you all the coverage we can from the festival (we’ve got lots of reviews and interviews in the pipeline) but that’s no excuse for not picking up a ticket as soon as you can. Rumour has it they include free bus travel.

Swn Festival runs from the 9th11th November. www.swnfest.com

Swn festival highlights...

Huw’s choices...

Our favourites...

“I love The Cribs and am very excited they’re coming to Cardiff. Threatmantics are always brilliant. Gindrinker will be good with DJ Scotch Egg. Beirut of course. I really like everyone on the bill so I think they’ll all be highlights. Diplomatic but true.”

“Youthmovies make posthardcore music with trumpets, which is fucking cool. Also the new Black Lips album is particularly awesome. Two Gallants are another great band to check out.”

AJENS LEKMAN

Night Falls Over Kortela

Secretly Canadian

t last, Jens Lekman has released a proper cohesive album. ‘Who’s Jens Lekman?’ I hear the uninitiated amongst you cry. Why he’s only a Swedish Baroque Pop sampling extraordinaire! Sounds exciting yeah? Well it should.

A timpani roll and you’re into

IBLACK LIPS

Good Bad Not Evil Vice

the opening lovelorn melodrama that is And I Remember Every Kiss

While palatial string samples swoon in the backgroundoyous brass builds and bursts, Lekman’s fragile baritone soaring over all.

His skill as an arranger is matched by his fantastically earnest literal lyrics, whether he’s crooning about an ex-lovers asthma inhaler, or telling you about a trip to drive-in Bingo, you can’t help but treat his lyrics with the utmost sincerity.

A Postcard to Nina steals the

t seems one of the plagues of modern music is an obsession with perfection. From squeaky clean pop acts who only manage to sound artificial, to so-called sketchy indie-rock bands whose rough edges are so carefully manufactured it becomes perfection in itself; everything we hear seems to be completely removed from reality.

Enter the Black Lips whose most recent and polished album to date Good Bad Not Evil might well have been recorded in a garage near you. Their tribute to hurricane Katrina is as basic as their DIY production and almost laughable for it, straightforwardly titled Katrina the band scream and shouts their way around a hook as brilliantly simple as “Oh Katrina, why you gotta be so mean?”.

Lead single Cold Hands rattles away brilliantly into the distance, crammed full of so many terrific riffs and vocals but like the rest of the album fails to even break the three minute mark. Unlike previous efforts it’s not all raucous guitars and yelled vocals, the band also produces a classic country feel on tracks like Veni Vidi Vici, but all in all it’s another dose of filthy, concentrated Garage Rock courtesy of the Black Lips. 8/10 Kyle Ellison

“Good Bad Not Evil might well have been recorded in a garage near you”

Pick Of The Week

STEPHEN FRETWELL

Man On The Roof

Witicha

Putting this CD in, I braced myself for a Jack Johnsonesque experience. Don’t get me wrong, J.J. is great and all, but I’m ever so slightly tired of every bloke with an acoustic guitar being labelled the next ‘version’ of.

Rant aside, this album, while undoubtedly mellow, is interesting and as original as you can get with yet another acoustic guitar. The Man-

show. The song recounts an apparently true occasion where Jens pretended to be his lesbian friend’s boyfriend to please her parents, Mr Lekman narrates the whole awkward tale in minute detail, and there’s a great chorus; “Oh! God! What have I done? I came to Berlin to have some fun!”

Jens Lekman is a genius.

9/10 Guy Ferneyhough

chester based-singer/songwriter has a fresh style, wonderful lyrics and is not nearly so calming (read, dull) as I assumed.

Though never an album to inspire head-banging, certainly one for sipping chilled wine to before a night out. Makes me seriously ponder researching upcoming gigs he might be playing in Cardiff.

Certainly a change to the dreaded J.J. making me pine for warm and sunny Australia while I live in notso-sunny Wales. Damn you, Jack. I would definitely recommend finding this album. Tracks like Coney and Sleep demand it.

8/10 Clare Hartnett

EVARIOUS ARTISTS

Radio 1: Established 1967 Sony

verybody loves a bit of self-referential backslappery, and Radio 1’s anniversary double CD package has this in spades. Charting 40 years of existence, Radio 1 have drafted in indie mediocrity to cover a select list of songs from each year. The result is almost universally awful. If you genuinely want to hear

popular songs butchered by tone deaf morons, then not only are you a fuckwit, but could emulate this album by simply dragging yourself to a karaoke night at one of Cardiff’s many nightspots.

That said, not every one of these songs is completely terrible. The Kaiser Chiefs’ surprisingly listenable cover of The Move’s Flowers In The Rain is an unlikely stand out track, as is Amy Winehouse’s boozy version of Johnny Nash’s Cupid However, you can quite easily download the individual tracks from iTunes without having to endure Robbie Williams’ mauling of Lola. Truly atrocious.

Ben Marshall 3/10

His Band Are Fit

That’s Racist

Robson + Jerome

Bad radio, bad album

AMY WINEHOUSE: BOOZY

Cocaine Reference?

The fist thing you’ll notice about P.J Harvey’s new album is the lack of her trademark dirgy guitar. Instead, she has learnt to play the piano (in the last three years) and what’s more, she’s learnt to play it in an extremely harrowing manner.

Her piano is accompanied by an eclectic assortment of instruments; including the zither, harmonica, harp and fiddle, but to name just a few. Her vocals have changed too; the passionate rock ‘n’ roll screams on previous albums have been replaced with something far more ghostly and melancholy.

So, how does this all sound? Well, it’s often uncomfortable, strange and, well terrifying. This, of course, is why White Chalk is so good. The album climaxes with the song ‘the piano’, which encapsulates perfectly, the vexing and sombre direction P.J Harvey has taken us, and reminds us what an innovate an important musician she has become over the years.

8/10 Chris Rogers

Two Gallants is truly a gentleman’s record. A gentleman who has passed out drunk on his piano from whisky which gives a strangely beautiful image.

The opening track The deader is very much in the fashion of bright eyes bitter sweetness then as quickly as the gentleman takes the last dregs of his bottle the next track Miss Men changes to a slow southern country blues tale.

Each song pours poetic lullabies of genuine emotion that paint picturesque moments. These are framed so well by the minimalist tools of drums and guitar that put you in the boots of a man seeking peace in himself and the world around him.

This album needs to be in your record players from dusk till dawn as this folk band are a touch of genius.

9/10 James Rendell

Beirut’s first album was a glorious affair, a wonderfully eastern record filled with trumpets and violins and Balkan accordions; never however touching on the fake of gimmicky.

It somehow navigated between the alternative indie of its US homeland and the absinthe fuelled passion of gypsy music which it was so influenced by. It was however by no means perfect, and the same can be said for The Flying Club Cup

It has some truly uplifting, and sadly melancholy moments however

Gravenhurst’s latest release, The Western Lands sees the Bristol band find a sound that lies somewhere between the glourious soundscapes of Godspeed You! Black Emperor and the psychadelic pop of Caribou.

Unfortunately, this is a middle ground that just seems to lack something. While Gravenhurst occasionally hit upon the sound of post-rock greats Mogwai, a good post-rock song needs at least eight minutes to truly develop and this just doesn’t happen when confined into Gravenhurst’s four minute songs.

Similarly, while the songs are never epic, they’re never really pop songs either and never fully expand on the hints of joyous psychadelic that occasional moment promise. In all The Western Lands is an album that shows promise it never really lives up to.

5/10 Si Truss

these are ultimately few and far between and the album is ultimately more of the same. Flying Cup Club , for better or worse, does everything the Gulag Orkestra had already done and it is difficult to tell whether it is the lack of originality or the lack of quality songs that lets the records down; either way it’s just a little too dull.

It is not however, as they say, all bad. The rousing moments that Zack Condon does so well are there on Guyamas Sonora, with a raring brass section and hearty chanting lifting me out of my bowl of cereal.

This record is by no means a total disappointment but bearing in mind what I feel Beirut are capable of, it’s broken my heart slightly.

6/10 Will Hitchins

BEIRUT

The Mile High Club

LIVE LIVE LIVE LIVE LIVE LIVE

The Fall Of Troy TJʼs, Newport

The Fall of Troy’s singer/guitarist Thomas Erak has an awfully clever party trick; he can play his instrument at somewhere very close to the speed of light. It’s clearly not something he’s ashamed of as he arrives on stage with blurs where his hands should be, shredding up and down the neck with a childlike fascination and arrogance.

Arrogance perhaps, but it’s enough to draw the previously timid crowd around the stage like a gang of teenage boys rushing to see a fight take place. But the band don’t stop there, they frequently leap into the crowd, roll around on the floor and generally act like hairy men who have watched a few too many classic rock videos; except that Fall of Troy actually play good music.

Admittedly the bands latest effort Manipulator was a huge disappointment, but in a live setting those songs are carried by the energy of the performance and old favourites F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X and I Just Got This Symphony Going are post-hardcore perfection.

As they weave small snippets from Nirvana, Deftones and Slayer songs into their own work there seems to be nothing the band won’t do for a cheer, but after it’s all over and done with it’s the frenzied yet beautifully intricate sounds of Doppelganger which I still have ringing in my ears.

Kyle Ellison

Unfortunately, it’s one of those irritating twists in musical tales when bands cancel their tours, leaving many a fan heartbroken and eagerly awaiting the rescheduled dates. Which basically means I’ve been waiting for this gig for fucking forever.

30/09/07

The Enemy The Great Hall

Fuck you NME. The triple threat of Lethal Bizzle, The Wombats and The Enemy could have been the indie grime knockabout that most of the crowd had paid good money to see, but through mismanagement and general titting about, you’ve managed to leave Cardiff with the weakest of all these bands as being the sole entertainment of the evening.

Traffic and strained voices aside, The NM pissing E should carry enough indie cred to rope in some half decent support acts to replace Bizzle and The Wombats, but instead decided that what fans of The Enemy really needed was two hours of getting increasingly pissed and pissed

off to froth them up into the bundle of pent up aggression the night really needed.

So as soon as The Lidl Jam tribute act that is the Enemy finally came on stage and opened with their best number, the crowd had fuck all else to look forward to. It is no surprise, then, that the shaved apes in expensive trainers that made up the audience decided that the best way to show their appreciation was to start rucking.

Therefore the faux mod midget (or modget) that leads this ‘band’ put on his best Jerry Dammers impression to try and assuage the dervish of testosterone, but only managed to reaffirm in the eyes of any true music fan that all The Enemy are is a two-bit rip off of their musical peers.

Ben Marshall

True to form, and despite the wave of criticism weaving its way towards the band since A Crow Left of the Murder, they are hugely impressive. Every aspect of their live show is amplified, heightened and increasingly amazing.

The use of sampling and decks long forgotten on record is brought back with a startling vengeance during their performance. It almost comes as a surprise that Incubus can burst into unforgiving instrumen-

tals, fuelled with the passion and lust of their older material.

The show prompts an interesting light display from Boyd, yet not enough from their massive back catalogue, relying heavily on the recent material to see them through. Perhaps an unwise decision, but Incubus – with every live show under their belt – prove their critics wrong. They still have it, and still do it fucking well.

Francesca Jarvis

LIVE LIVE LIVE LIVE LIVE LIVE

The Cure - Just a band. The Smiths - Just a band. Nirvana - Just a band. The Pixies - Just a band. Oasis - Just a band. Radiohead - just a band. Bloc Party - Just a band. The Arctic Monkeys - Just a band. Dan Les Sac Vs Scroobious Pip - Just a hip-hop DJ with a performance poet, complete with massive beard, rapping witty lyricisms over the top.

To see a man stand on stage in Clwb Ifor Bach and rap for three minutes or so about Tommy Cooper is rather odd, yet when it’s the joyous Scroobius Pip it seems to kind of

work. As it transpires, Pip’s talk of the fez headed comedian is in fact an attempt to explain why Cooper’s death live on stage to rapturous applause is a perfect example of beauty. Which is pretty cool.

Although DLS’s electro beats are at times pretty damn funky, it’s when Scroobius Pip is left to perform a spoken word piece on his own that the set gets really interesting.

As the duo point out themselves, they are as yet unsigned. The result of which is that nobody in the audience is familiar with much of the material, which is a shame as a lot of the tracks performed tonight could be more enjoyable to watch live given a few listens on CD before hand. Si Truss

After a short break came the oddness that is Iceland’s latest musical export, Jakobinarina. With their odd dress sense, eighties-electro-meets-sixities-mods blonde hairstyles and an average age of about twelve they looked deliciously different.

The music was certainly a blast of freshness and sunshine, packed with fast drumbeats, impeccably played guitar licks and lush, bright synthesizer parts. What their denim-clad singer

may have lacked in actual vocal skill he made up for with sheer energy, at one point coming down into the ‘crowd’ for a dance around, accompanied by the frantically headbanging keyboard player.

Highlights of the set included the opening song ‘This Is An Advertisement’, which boded well for the rest of their set; fantastically titled new single ‘His Lyrics are Disastrous’; and ‘Nice Guys Don’t Play Good Music’ – which after meeting the band afterwards I can confirm to be false. It was all over too quickly, their performance lasting only ten songs – which though mostly short were all

05/10/07

EDITORS

The Newport Centre is the most surreal music venue in the Uk... its a lesiure centre. With a swimming pool on my left, roadies selling t-shirts on my right (Editors t-shirts this year boasting Godzilla rampaging through Birminghamgenius), we are led through dark corridors, stamped with UV paint, onto a basketball court. Tonight, this is where Editors will blow away a sold out crowd.

They come on stage to the beating drums of new album title track ‘An End Has A Start’, and Tom Smith hits every note spot on. The sound is incredible as they play tracks off both albums, including 2 new songs which were lapped up by the egarly awaiting fans. The Newport crowd are insane, at one point breaking all the rules and crowd surfing AWAY from the stage. Weird. Set favourites are ‘Munich’, ‘Racing rats,’ ‘All sparks’ and ‘Hospital doors,’ and Toms fullon energy keeps the crowd jumping for the whole set. Fan-bloody-tastic. Thomas Galloway

well rounded and complete pieces of punky-rocky-shouting fun.

The biggest disappointment had to be the sparseness of the crowd, consisting of barely thirty people, but this didn’t stop them putting on an excellent show and evidently enjoying every minute of it (except possibly the miserable looking guitarist, and who knows what the miniature bassplayer was thinking in his wobbly trance). It’s great to see unheard of bands at a moment’s notice, and Jakobinarina were certainly no exception.

Osian Haines

LISTINGS

MONDAY 15th OCTOBER

Devildriver @ The Point

Maps @ Bristol Thekla

The Mooney Suzuki @ Barfly

WEDNESDAY 17th OCTOBER

Shy Child @ Barfly Adele @ Buffalo Bar

THURSDAY 18th OCTOBER

Spencer McGarry @ Clwb

Ed Harcourt @ The Point

Kevin Drew @ Bristol Thekla Kid Carpet @ Buffalo Bar

FRIDAY 19th OCTOBER

Attack + Defend @ Clwb

MONDAY 22nd OCTOBER

The Blow @ Bristol Louisiana

TUESDAY 23rd OCTOBER

Youthmovies @ Bristol Louisiana

FRIDAY 26th OCTOBER

Forward Russia @ Barfly Kid Harpoon @ Clwb

SATURDAY 27th OCTOBER

Kids In Glass Houses @ TJ’s

The Young Knives @ Barfly Capdown @ Clwb

SUNDAY 28th OCTOBER

The Twang @ Cardiff Union Tournaments @ Swansea Uni Vincent Vincent and The Villains @ Clwb

LOS CAMPESINOS!

International Tweexcore Underground Wichita

Gig Of The Fortnight

YOUTHMOVIES

Bristol Louisiana

Oxford based Quintet Youthmovies are perhaps a band you’re not familliar with yet, and this in itself is a terrible, terrible thing.

For fans of Foals, Battles and Hot Club De Paris Youthmovies play terrificly elaborate post rock...with a trumpet.

Had I been in Los Campesinos! I wouldn’t have given lazy journalists like myself even the smallest chance to use the word ‘twee’ in descriptions of the band. Then again, I’m not in Los Campesinos! and to be fair they seem to know what they’re doing. However, we fucking love this song, just like everything they’ve ever done. Although I’m angry that Gareth dismisses Ian Mackaye so quickly, I Love Fugazi. 9/10 ST/KE

SOFT HEARTED SCIENTISTS Eyes My Kung Fu

Local folk outfit Soft Hearted Scientists’ latest single Eyes is the latest reminder of the quality of Cardiff’s impeccable music scene. With quirky lyrics, jaunty guitar lines and an upbeat chorus, the song falls into all the major trappings of it’s genre. What it lacks in originality, though, it makes up for in execution - the band producing a nice enough song which I can’t imagine anyone taking any major offence to. 7/10 KE

THE YOUNG KNIVES

Terra Firma Transgressive

A furious blend of urgent, stabbing guitar licks and yelping vocals, mixed with the most brilliantly absurd chorus you’ll hear all year. Oh yes, the Young Knives are back. Despite still looking like a geography teacher’s conference, the Knives still have an ear for a cracking tune or two. 8/10 BM

SOHO DOLLS Right and Right Again A&G Records

At first this boppy tune appeared to lack something fundamental – a climax to its electro beats and sleazy lyrics. Yet it definitely grows on you, and could have the potential to become a top hit. Undeniably its well mixed and produced – although its seedy qualities almost made me surprised it didn’t arrive pre-packed with a pair of fluffy handcuffs. 6/10 RS

LETHAL BIZZLE Police On My Back V2

Everyone’s favourite gurning Grime Minister returns with the strongest song off his best album to date. Expertly produced by Akira the Don, Bizzle retells his life as a car thief without ever sounding trite. Choppy guitar licks and perfectly constructed chorus make the track Dizzee would blow a goat for. 9/10 BM

Film

TAL E S FROM THE B ACK R OW

THE BUZZ...

The latest news, rumours and conjecture

ANDERSON RELEASES PREQUEL TO ARJEELING LIMITED.

What if, for one film, we weren’t co workers, but co-people?

AHOW WAS IT FOR WILL?

You know that nervous feeling you get just before you know you’re going to make a move on someone? This is how I felt as I sat next to Sim, my fellow film editor at the 10 AM screening of Black Sheep. Even though officially we’re going for the magazine, I think we’ve both read the signs. The coy looks across the GR office, the ‘unconscious’ brushing of hands against the apple keyboards, the flirtatious emails. Tonight (this morning) would be my night. Having suggested we sit in the back row I wait for the perfect moment, which arrives just as a genetically modified sheep is savaging a hippie’s ear. The old techniques are the best. Yawn. You know the rest. I think that this is forward enough for the first date; I mean a boy has to maintain some dignity.

HOW WAS IT FOR SIM?

You know that nervous feeling you get when you feel like you’re being watched? For some reason, Will is more on edge than usual this morning. He also keeps on staring at me. I assume it’s because we’re going to see a zombie sheep film and that he either has a phobia of sheep or zombies, but he’s been acting rather strange of late He’s ‘accidentally’ touched me so many times it’s getting to be god-damn ridiculous, and, during a brutal sheep homicide, he tried the old ‘yawn’ technique. I’m sure it was an ironic gesture. Wasn’t it?

s if we were not all already excited enough about the upcoming Wes Anderson film The Darjeeling Limited, it has recently come to my attention that it will be furnished by a 13 minute prequel, named Hotel Chevalier

Starring Jason Schwartzman and the unfeasibly beautiful Natalie Portman, the film centres around Schwartzman’s character some time before he meets his brothers in India and begins the escapades recounted in the Darjeeling Limited. There is one more bit of information that makes the film even more attractive; Natalie Portman gets her kit off…all of it. Unfortunately, unlike in the US where it may be downloaded for free, it is currently not available to download on UK iTunes; however search around on the Internet enough and I’m sure you can find it.

HASSELHOFF TO STAR IN ANACONDA THREE: THE OFFSPRING

Just when you thought it was safe to venture into the heart of the Amazon rainforest, word has reached us that the Anaconda series, which we all assumed had been swallowed into the mouth of Jennifer Lopez, has got the go ahead for a third and fourth film. But wait, this is nothing until you learn that none other than David Hasselhoff of “Jump in my car” fame

has signed up to star in both movies. Now this is exciting. Whether he will be trapping the serpents in red speedos is as yet unknown.

WHAT A CRANKER

I literally screamed when I heard this news. Against all the odds, against popular wisdom, against conventional logic, Chev Chelios will return for Crank 2. Now if you remember correctly (which I’m sure we all do), the final sequence of the last film saw Jason Statham falling to his death with just enough time to call his girlfriend on the phone. Or was he? Apparently the new film is not a prequel, dream, or another annoying artistic device to bring back our hero. He just survives the fall. It’s set to be adrenaline fuelled. Well…obviously.

“Quote of the week It’s like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black (Nigel Tufnel)

This week film delves into the back catalogue of Christopher Guest

STATHAM: Phwoaaar

Latest Releases

MICHAEL CLAYTON

Dir: Tony Gilroy

Cast: George Clooney, Tom Wilkinson, Sydney Pollack

Out now, 119 mins

Synopsis: Working for New York law firm, Kenner, Bach & Ledeen, it is Michael Clayton’s job to clean up any political mess that his employers leave behind. Unsatisfied with his highly questionable duties, and trying to hold together a rapidly deteriorating personal life, Clayton finds himself thrown into the centre of a multi-billion dollar lawsuit, finding that it may no longer be possible to silence his conscience.

Having cut his teeth in the action-packed Bourne movies

Tony Gilroy’s first outing in the director’s chair is a subtle and compelling political thriller, set in his home town of New York. Michael Clayton (Clooney) is a talented criminal prosecutor, but is here required to discreetly patch over the cracks of various corrupt dealings.

This secretive work leaves Clayton feeling ostracised, but through old colleague Arthur Edens (Wilkinson), he gains the strength to face up to what he has become, and finally start to make some changes.

No doubt aided by Clooney’s production work, Gilroy’s film captures

the same persistent fear of speaking out that Good Night and Good Luck wielded so masterfully. Most obviously, this is shown in up-and-coming litigator Karen Crowder (Tilda Swinton), whose reluctance to rock the boat, coupled with her own selfish ambition, leads to some devastating choices.

As the disillusioned and unhinged Edens, Tom Wilkinson gives what I feel to be the finest ever performance of this British icon. Humorous, desperate and terrifying at the same time, he assumes this complicated role with ease, and with his rambling answer phone messages and “I am Shiva the God of Death” proclamation, he delivers the most memorable lines in a film that boasts excellent dialogue.

One area where the film does fall short, however, is its occasionally complicated plot. Trying to make sense of the relevance of a children’s book to a law suit that does not skimp on the legal jargon, may prove taxing to the most concentrated of viewers.

But looking past this, we are left with a brilliantly intimate journey of self-discovery, capped off with a fine performance from Clooney. Sitting in a cab after a dramatic climax to events, the closing credits roll with an expressionless Clayton still in shot, perfectly epitomising the depth and ambiguity of a fascinating piece of cinema.

TOM WOODS

AND WHEN DID YOU LAST SEE YOUR FATHER?

Dir: Anad Tucker

Cast: Jim Broadbent, Colin Firth Out Now, 92 mis

Synopsis: Adapted from the biographical book of the same title, And When Did You Last See Your Father? chronicles the last days of a dying man’s (Broadbent) life, seen through the eyes and memories of his estranged son (Firth).

On the surface, Father… is easily compared to Big Fish, and although the two films deal with similar issues (memories of the past, death in the present and reconciliation in the future), the characters and mood of the films could not be further apart.

Broadbent’s character, Arthur Morrison, is an instantly charismatic, if not instantly likeable portrayal of a man with many strengths and more weaknesses. Presented through his son Blake (Firth) in two timeframes, the teenage years of Blake and the present of 1989, the film beautifully bridges the juxtaposition of a man in his prime, and a proud man at the end of his life. Ladies, watch out for Colin whacking off in the bath.

JIM WHITELEY

BLACK SHEEP

Dir: Jonathon King

Cast: Nathan Meister, Danielle Mason, Peter Feeney

Out now, 119 mins

Synopsis: After environmentalists break into a farmyard genetic engineering lab, a new hybrid of killer sheep emerges to reap havoc. Will anyone survive?

For some bizarre, indescribable reason it was strangely inevitable that one day someone would make a film about zombie sheep, and I’m not sure why. I think it’s the blank, black-eyed stare that

DEATH PROOF

Dir:Quentin Tarantino

Cast: Kurt Russell, Rosario Dawson, Vanessa Ferlito

Out now, 114 mins

Synopsis: Stuntman Mike has a death proof car and he’s not afraid to use it to kill beautiful, unsuspecting women. He gets more than he bargained for however, when attacking his latest targets.

Even by Tarantino’s standards, the hype surrounding this, his 5th film has verged on ridiculous. After the failure at the U.S box office of Grind House, much has been said and written about the merits of releasing Death Proof as a stand alone feature. Could Death Proof work on its own? And would a European audience have been more receptive to the film in its original conception? The answers to both it seems, is yes.

ladies and very cool cars, and several jaw-droppingly cool stunts, there can be no doubt that Death Proof is a visual feast of fun.

There are some good performances too. Kurt Russell has a manic charm as the not so cool killer Stuntman Mike, and most of the foxy heroines have sass and chemistry in abundance (with a few notable exceptions). However, and it is a BIG however, the snappy dialogue that is so associated with Tarantino films is shockingly absent.

Make no mistake, there is a LOT of dialogue. There are endless scenes of meaningless chit chat just as there are in the rest of the Tarantino back catalogue, but, and you may need to sit down for this… it isn’t witty, sharp or funny. It’s just boring. There are no instantly quotable lines or phrases, no iconic monologues. The dialogue in this film is, for want of a better word, shit.

“

Unsurprisingly, the film opens with typical Tarantino swagger, expertly paying homage to 70’s exploitation films and setting the tone for the first half of the film which looks and feels like a proper B-movie. Scratched film, skipping reels, dodgy sound and colour all lend the first half of the film a delightfully dirty aesthetic and, coupled with the shameless use of lots of film on incredibly good looking

these normal woolen farm animals posses that lends them to stomach churning comic horror; it’s another example of the horror genre creating fear in the everyday and mundane.

Early on in the film, we see our (occasionally annoyingly) jittery hero stuck in a taxi in the middle of the spectacular New Zealand scenery surrounded by a huge herd of sheep. He sweats, he shakes, he tries to ring his psychiatrist; our boy Henry has a phobia of sheep.

And there in lies the answer to our earlier questions. I think it’s safe to say that Death Proof does work as a stand alone film. It’s not his best, but it’s as good a piece of eye candy cinema as you are likely to see, and that, as Mr Tarantino would no doubt tell you, is entirely the point. However, had the film been shown in its original, massively cut down form as part of the Grind House double bill the dialogue issues might have been eradicated and Death Proof would have been the short, grimy B-movie it so wanted to be. Instead, the film has become a frustrating indication of what might have been. Roll on the extended DVD.

SIM ECKSTEIN

movies. In one scene it even brilliantly raisies your hopes that there will be a lawnmower sheep splatting extravaganza before very obviously dashing them on the rocks.

“The films success is that it deliv-

Everything you would want from a zombie sheep flick

” The snappy dialogue that is so associated with Tarantino films is shockingly absent

When describing this film, comparisons to Peter Jackson’s Brain Dead and Bad Taste are unavoidable, after all they are all comedy splat horror movies made in New Zealand…I mean, how many of those are there? Indeed, there are quite a few nods to the aforementioned cult classics, but Black Sheep is careful to avoid being simply an ovine homage to these

ers everything you would want from a zombie sheep flick. There’s intestines being pulled out, penises being chewed off, giant sheep being cut up by propellers, it’s all there. In one set piece we see a field of foreign agricultural business men descended upon by a flock of zombified sheep as wave after wave of these soulless soon to be mutton steaks tear apart suited

Japanese executives. It’s nothing if not pure entertainment.

However because the film doesn’t quite have the originality of Brain Dead, or the low budget home made feel of Bad Taste, it will never be as entertaining. Another short falling of the film is that Nathan Meister is just slightly too annoying; as nervous and neurotic as Woody Allen but without any of the charm. Add to this the gormless love interest and the characters get a bit testing.

”

Although Black Sheep isn’t destined to be an eternally loved cult classic, it’s an enjoyable (or perhaps gut wrenching) experience, which is just as gory as it should be…and after all, there’s even some sheep shagging jokes.

WILL HITCHINS

Hey, Wha’ Happened?

It’s difficult to say exactly what it is that makes Christopher Guest’s films so funny. It could be the razor sharp one liners, all of which are delivered with Bernard Manning like precision, and remarkably the majority of which were improvised (Guest’s scripts normally consist of about fifteen pages of ‘loose’ ideas).

Perhaps it is the perfectly observed characters, all exaggerated just the right amount, which are played by a weather-beaten ensemble cast that make the films what they are as much as the script itself. Or it could be the wonderfully written songs, from Big Bottoms to Lick My love Pump to Old Joes Place; which although complete parody also sound exactly like they could (or rather should) have been genuine releases.

Christopher Guest is not however, the most varied director; this could perhaps be attributed to the fact that he has produced relatively few films, or simply that he sticks (rightly in my opinion) to the ‘if it ain’t broke’ formula. Normally the films will see a documentary crew examining the innards of a certain situation, be it the high stress world of amateur dramatics (Waiting for Guffman) or the preposterously over the top world of professional dog shows (Best in Show).

Director... Christopher Guest

KEY FILM:

THIS IS SPINAL TAP

Say what you will about This is Spinal Tap, there is no denying its influence. It undeniably changed almost all comedy which would follow it. (Ricky Gervais cites it as the primary influence over the Office). As with all Guest films it is endlessly quotable with almost every line being a gem in itself; and the sheer amount of references and homage’s to it in other movies and pop culture is staggering. Shrouded in all manner of myth and legend, rumour has it that when Ozzy Osborne first watched the film he thought it was a real documentary. It was in fact not directed by Guest but by Rob Reiner, who plays Marty DiBergi as a documentary maker filming the ups and downs of the British rock giants

“

” Dying is easy. Playing a lesbian is hard

MY FAVOURITE: A MIGHTY WIND

ONE TO MISS: FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION

On his most recent film, Christopher Guest opted for a slightly different style, in that this film wasn’t actually a mocumentar though it still felt like one and herein lay the problem. Although it still has the wonderfully funny cast of his former films, there aren’t as many laugh out loud moments, the great lines somehow getting buried in the medium (“Dying is easy. Playing a lesbian is hard”). The plot centers on a small low budget film which gets tipped for Oscar glory and the resulting affect on the egotistical cast (Ricky Gervais makes an appearance with his usual shtick). Worth a watch but it wont change your life.

Some other memorable quotes from the quick shooting minds of Guest and co:

“As long as there’s, you know, sex and drugs, I can do without the rock and roll”

“What day did the Lord create Spinal Tap, and couldn’t he have rested on that day too?”

Although not a household name to be uttered in the same breath as Spielberg or Scorsese, Christopher Guest has had quite a remarkable impact bearing in mind the few number of films he has actually produced, and is widely regarded as the original proponent of the Mocumentary genre.

This is essentially Spinal Tap but with folk music, and in fact see’s the original Spinal Tap line up of Christopher Guest, Harry Shearer and Michael McKean play the Folksmen a reunited folk trio. It works better for me perhaps because the cast (almost all of who appear in This is Spinal Tap) are that much older and know each other so well that the improvisation and dialogue is just unbeatable. A highlight is Fred Willard’s buffoon of a band agent come TV games show host, who comes out with some of the best one liners ever committed to celluloid.

DVD Releases

TELL NO ONE (NE LE DIS À PERSONNE)

Dir: Gullaume Canet

Starring: Francois Cluzet, Marrie-Josee Croze,

Out now, 125 mins

Synopsis: Alexandre’s wife has been dead for more than eight years now. Though he finds solace in his work as a doctor, Alex is still haunted by the day that she was murdered. One day he receives and anonymous email seemingly confirming that she is still alive, sparking him into a frantic search to find the truth.

ZODIAC

Dir: David Fincher

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark Ruffalo, Robert Downey Jr

Out Now, 158 mins

Synopsis: Robert Graysmith, a newspaper cartoonist, becomes obsessed with the case of a serial killer who terrorised the San Francisco Bay Area in the 1960s and 70s after his paper receives cryptic letters and messages from the ‘Zodiac’.

Despite the fact that the self styled Zodiac is only credited with five official killings between December 1968 and October 1969, his shadow hung over the residents of San Francisco for more than a decade.

The film centres around three men (and three impressive performances) whose lives become consumed by the case; Detective Dave Toschi (Ruffalo) who leads the police investigation and newspaper cartoonist Robert Graysmith (Gyllenhaal) who also pursues the case through some

Tell No One is thriller in the classic mould. Fast paced and well shot, Guillaume Canet’s film tells of Dr. Alexandre Beck’s (François Cluzet) search for his supposedly dead wife despite continuing accusations that he is the culprit. Boasting a magnificent performance from Cluzet, Tell No One blends Hollywood pacing and excitement levels with the arresting French cinematic style. Engaging and enjoyable throughout, this film’s success serves to highlight that European cinema is not just about art house films that no one can understand and that there is a genuine alternative to mainstream Hollywood cinema if one chooses to look for it. If all the alternatives are all this good, we’d be fools not to.

SIM ECKSTEIN

“There’s such a fine line between stupid and clever”

obsessive off-the-clock research with help from his papers crime writer Paul Avery (Downey Jr.).

With Se7en under his belt, its clear that Fincher knows how to handle the serial killer genre, but somehow this film manages to engulf you to the point that you leave the cinema feeling as if you have just conducted your own investigation, having examined every detail in the same neurotic manner as Robert Graysmith. Clocking in at 158 minutes, there was the potential to have some serious fidgeting going on in the seat next to me (my film going companion has the attention span of a pea) but the film lures you in with each brutal murder. As you struggle to weigh up the toll the investigation is taking on those involved, and your desire for them to persevere regardless grows, it is impossible for even the most scatty of people not to be captivated.

If you missed this one on the big screen, the DVD is probably worth investigating. However, as is often the case, a little patience will reward you with an extended addition, which will include extensive extra features including huge documentaries, so you will get the chance to check and double check the case details, and draw your own conclusions on the identity of the Zodiac.

The DVD

Warner have been pimping the release of this one harder than Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver, sadly though, devoid of a legal copy I cannot review the extra features. However, I watched the movie again last night and these are my thoughts as watched on the small screen.

When I saw 300 hundred in the cinema after weeks of online masturbation to teasers and trailers and a five minute released clip, it was quite an ejaculation. We can all agree that it was a complete throw away movie and, try as the script

writers may to crow bar in themes of ‘freedom’, it was just a bloody good lads film. Blood, sex, violence, lads. Problem is it just doesn’t quite translate to the TV. Most of us do not have a 42inch plasma screen with blu ray DVD player, and therefore the look of the movie doesn’t have the ‘kick you in the balls’ epic scale that it once did.

So, although the battles are still beautifully bloody and brutal, the film feels more like Up Pompeii than Gladiator. Thus we are left with the plot and acting alone, and this is, it’s fair to say, a problem.

When you take away the Dolby and the all-encompassing screen, the sound of metal piercing through flesh and of arrows piercing armour, and the roars of the crowd screaming “THIS IS SPARTA”, you take away the soul of the film.

This then, is unfortunately a DVD

Films that should have been: Mandela: The Long Road to Freedom

It’s not so much IF this film will be made, but WHEN. It is inevitable that in about ten years there will be a utterly average to fair, warts ‘n’ all biopic of the great hero of South African civil rights. However I imagine a somewhat different from my version.

In Nelson: The Long Road to Freedom Eddy Murphy will play the great man himself as a shouty boisterous civil rights leader with a heart of gold but a disposition towards toilet humour. Added on top of this he will be incredibly accident-prone and get into all manner of high jinx involving white women in public places.

Now if this isn’t enough, I have had the miraculous casting initiative to get Eddie Murphy to also play his mad terrorist wife Winnie Mandela. He will be dressed up in all manner of prosthetics but still those unmistakable Eddie eyes will twinkle through. And what’s more she won’t be a trim woman.

without a soul. Long live Leonidas, as long as he’s in Cineworld.

WILL HITCHINS

Now we need casting for the big baddie, Eugene Terreblanche, leader of one of the key white supremacist movements of the time. Who better to play an unsympathetic bigot than Alan Rickman in full Sheriff of Nottingham mode. Snarling, growling and generally being racist.

In an interesting revisiting of his former role, Robin Williams will play a sympathetic Prison guard through Mandela’s twenty five year incarceration, much as he did Patch Adams in 1998. There will also be a number of crowd pleasing cameos ranging from

Alan Titchmarsh and the groundforce team to women fighting for their own cause, namely Girl Power. Yes, that’s right, the Spice Girls have been roped in to appear and there are currently plans being proposed to finish the film with a musical number. Perhaps the ladies singing Goodbye at Mr Mandela’s funeral. We all know how the story ends of course but by heck it will be one hell of a hilarious ride for all the family.

WILL HITCHINS

BLADE RUNNER

(1982)

Based on Phillip K Dick’s novel ‘Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?’, Blade Runner is an all time classic piece of cinema. Undoubtably improving on the somewhat turgid novel, Ridley Scott’s perfectly realized distopian landscape (reportedly based on Port Talbot) makes Blade Runner as visually spectacular as it is intellectually arresting. Spawning one of the most debated mysteries in movie history (is Deckard a replicant or not?) the film started a wave of Dick adaptations. Who’d have thought that a film noir/sci fi film would work so well.

with which Jackson et al adapted and edited the story. The benchmark for difficult adaptations.

HIGH FIDELITY (2000)

“ All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. T ime to die. (BLADE RUNNER)

THE

LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY (2001 – 2003)

When constructing any list of this sort there are some films that pick themselves. Admittedly, this is three films, but in my defence, they are only one bo ok (so there). Simply put, Jackson’s critically and commercially acclaimed trilogy of movies should not have been filmable. A book well over a thousand pages long in its entirety, The Lord of the Rings would have been well over the 20 hour mark. The success of these films then is largely down to the skill

It would be rude not to include the film that inspired this very feature, but High Fidelity more than deserves its place because it’s really bloody good. Largely similar to its literary inspiration, High Fidelity is the worldweary, sharp-witted film that the book demanded it to be. With Cusack putting in one of his finest performances as the self-pitying, fast-talking Rob Gordon, it’s a film that you can watch again and again that feels more like an old friend than a movie (or maybe that’s just me).

”

ADAPTATION

(2002)

I know what you’re thinking; how can anyone in their right mind put Nick Cage in a Top 5 feature? The answer: when it’s written by Charlie Kaufman. Adaptation is as clever a film as you’d ever want to see. Charting the struggles of Kaufman as he tries to adapt Susan Orlean’s ‘The Orchid Thief’, the film interrogates not only the process of adaptation itself, but also the script writing process in general. True to form, Kaufman even shares

the writing credits with his fictionalized brother, the mentalist.

APOCALYPSE NOW (1979)

Another cinematic must see, Apocalypse Now is one of several adaptations of Conrad’s ‘Heart of Darkness’. Switched from Africa to Cambodia, Francis Ford Coppola’s movie has everything that you could want; a great tag line (“the horror, the horror”), a great cast, a great soundtrack, and a fat, bald Marlon Brando. Perfect.

SIM ECKSTEIN

Hungry for more? Check out Books p.50 for the films that didn’t quite make it into the top 5

Cult Classics take a look at... Movie Icons

Many individuals in film have achevied a cult status through

their works and their lives

Marilyn Monroe

If you had to be elected into cult status, the most votes would go to Marilyn Monroe most probably.

She has one of the most recogniseable faces and names in all acting history, and even undiscovered tribal regions somewhere in the Amazon rainforest have probably heard of her.

Born Norma Jean Mortenson, her life certainly wasn’t flashing up all over Hollywood immediately. She worked in factories, spraying aeroplanes; hardly the life of the rich and famous.

Soon after being spotted by a scout for her potential as a model, Monroe became one of he most recognised faces in America, appearing on various magazine covers, and became famed for her platinum blonde hair, and curvaceous figure.

Her career was full of ups, with her appearing in countless films (one classic being Some Like It Hot) and even famously singing Happy Birthday to then president John F. Kennedy.

James Dean

Rebel Rebel Rebel! Ok, so that’s the line from a Bowie song, but it encapsulates James Dean immediately.

Famed for his role in the classic film, Rebel Without A Cause, James Dean only had a short acting career, due the tragic car accident which claimed his life. However, this did not in any way stop the rise of one of the best known faces in movie history.

Will Ferrell (?)

Although not the most obvious choice, in my opinion Will Ferrell is the archetypal cult actor of the twenty-first century.

This was demonstrated quite clear ly when he received two posthumous academy awards, something that has never happened to any other actor.

He has appeared as a reference in countless songs, most famously in the song American Pie, and has even been referenced by Jay-Z! James Dean spanned all the boundaries in place today and is admired by almost everyone!

Her death came as a shock, and was surrounded by conspiracy theories as to whether she died at her own hand, or that of the US government.

Regardless, her legacy is timeless, and will continue to inspire generations to come!

Edward Clay

Dean’s iconic appeal was grounded in the youth of the time, who connected with him and his lifestyle. He became a poster icon for a generation, adorning walls of young women (and men), and even today he is still admired. So it is very safe to say that despite only appearing in three motion picture films, Dean did enough to secure his place in film history.

The shortness of his career and the earliness of his death, combined with his charismatic performances, has led to James Dean gaining a cult status he well and truly deserves.

Gareth J. S. Mogg

On paper he possibly should not be as successful an actor as he has become and yet, as part of the “Frat Pack”(other members including Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughan, and Steve Carell), he has gained a massive following of devoted fans. His audience never seems to tire of his obnoxious characters and plots which always seem to follow the same pattern; Ferrell plays a highly successful sleaze, proves to be an unlikely hit with the ladies and then becomes a better person after a string of soul-searching events (á la Anchorman/Blades of Glory/Talladega Nights, etc).

In the last few years the films he has appeared in would perhaps be deemed by many as too mainstream for Ferrell to achieve “Cult Classic” status. He also cropped up in minor roles in Austin Powers, Wedding Crashers and Starsky and Hutch

However, for those who remember him as part of the Saturday Night Live team during the mid-nineties will recognise Ferrell’s particular brand of comedy in his more recent films. What started off as a small, cult following quickly developed into a more popular fan base after his appearance as Frank “the Tank” Ricard in Old School (2003).

Laura Gibbons

e oice is you

Hobsonʼs Choice

The New Theatre 2-6 October

First performed in 1916, Hobson’s Choice is a time old classic of a demanding father who struggles to deal with his even more demanding daughters.

The comedic elements of the play are just so because of their ground ing in the post-Victorian literary and cultural reality; after all, anyone who has ever seen The Taming of the Shrew (Ten Things I Hate About You) or King Lear will be familiar with the story of a tyrannous but well meaning father who prohibits the marriage of his daughters, only to be gazumped by them and made to eat his words.

In this incantation, Hobson (John Savident – or Fred Elliott in Corrie to you and me), a successful boot maker in Manchester, makes the fatal mistake of underes timating his eldest daugh

This week has been a great week for Arts, with theatre, art and even a banjo-playing gypsy quartet thrown into the mix. We also have the first appearance of our new feature, ʻI have never...ʼ especially for all you Arts virgins... donʼt worry, weʼll be gentle.

union crosses the boundary of class and propriety and causes a rift in the Hobson family. As the second and third acts unfurl, Maggie manages to teach her father a lesson, ar- range

nation of good acting and atmospheric set design make a good breast at bringing this play to life. The chemistry between Maggie and William (Backhouse and Charles) was great, but even with the magnanimous comic presence of John Savident, the production was slow at times and felt a bit lengthy. The third act, where Hobson is finally made to admit his wrong and accept Maggie and William’s union, reminded me of those warnings you get on the front of cigarette packets: necessary but largely ineffectual.

“ The third act reminded me of those warnings you get on the front of cigarette packets: necessary but largely ineffectual

ter Maggie (Carolyn Backhouse). Undetermined, underappreciated and unpaid for her work, Maggie coerces her way into marriage with the talented but worker William Mossop (Dylan Charles), with whom she sets up a rival business to her father’s. This

the marriage and settlement of her two sisters and turn William from workman to businessman in the process.

Behind this rather slapstick and banal plot sequence is, however, a more resonant message about class and gender, and the judgements and assumptions people make based on those two things.

This message is just as relevant today as it was when Hobson’s Choice was first performed nearly 100 years ago, and a combi-

Despite this fact, the performance as a whole was consistently entertaining and the score in particular, comprised of some emotive big-band pieces, was fantastic. It may just be that the subtleties of this aged family comedy do not modern stage; whateverstill manage to make

Important 20th Centu-

ry and Contemporary

Welsh Art Exhibition

Martin Tinney Gallery

21st September - 20th October

This inspirational and poignant exhibition proves that Welsh art is something special. Realist works mix with more abstract and expressionist pieces, and it’s not all about oil and watercolour, either. Pastels, ink and wash, red chalk and even ‘relief construction’ (recycled wood and household paint) are all put to good use.

As you might expect, mountain landscapes are depicted in every colour from baby pink to black, and these combine with common landmarks like waterworks, terraced houses and factories. Several of the images of valleys and the sea use

sweeping, vibrant blocks of colour to create an overall impression of lushness.

John Piper’s St David’s, Dyfed is a striking combination of golden church spires bathed in bottle green light, while Sling, Llanddona, Anglesey by Sir Kyffin Williams, with its depiction of grey and white cottages, perfectly captures the spirit of a close-knit Welsh village. John Elwyn’s Ceredigion Farm is painted using orange and grey oils, and the result is an image with a distinctly European feel, defamiliarising Wales for the viewer.

Nick Evans’ portrayal of a grimacing miner, painted almost entirely in black, is a sombre reminder of the oppressive, uncertain nature of this occupation. But the stand-out piece was Ceri Richards’ And Death Shall Have No Dominion, where an owl places a sprig of fresh flowers onto a skeleton. This kind of thoughtful detail pervades the entire collection.

Tash Prest-Smith

I Have Never... Been to Chapter Arts Centre.

The Devilʼs Violin

Chapter Arts Centre

7 October

Aviolinist. A cellist. A banjoist and a storyteller: What a combination for my first trip to the Chapter Arts Centre.

A raucous, all singing, all dancing celebration of Welsh gypsy culture, The Devil’s Violin made me feel like I was five again being told a story -but this time the stories were a little different…They were exotic tales of witches, princesses, temptation, lust, betrayal and unreserved gory death, and were truly compelling.

Utterly farcical and grotesque at times, but set against a tense backdrop of accompanying music that fluctuated from exhilarating highs to ominous lows in the stroke of a violin. The effect was mesmerising.

It may not be my usual form of entertainment; but any preconceptions I had in coming to the Chapter Arts were turned upside down in just over two hours – by the end of the show I found myself singing along with the rest.

Grace Le Breton

Whatʼs On

COMEDY

Russell Howard

Sherman Theatre 16 October

7.30pm

Quirky comedian Howard returns with a brand new stand-up show following his sell-out spring tour. Join him for an evening of infectious, eccentric banter.

COMEDY DRAMA

The Servant of Two Masters New Theatre 16-20 October

7.30pm

This classic eighteenth-century farce stars Les Dennis as Truffaldino. Check this out if you’re a fan of knockabout humour involving disguise, deception and romance.

ART EXHIBITION

Gatecrash

The Gate

29 September-3 November

This exhibition features work by local artists VOGA (Vale of Glamorgan artists), and will include oil and acrylic paintings, digital prints and 3D wall hangings.

CLASSICAL MUSIC

The Four Seasons by Candlelight St David’s Hall 28 October

7.30pm

Designed for those who love all things Baroque, dramatic and generally opulent. Yes, that’s right, the orchestra will be in ‘full period costume’. Vivaldi, Bach and Pachelbel are on the menu.

DRAMA

Cargo

Chapter Arts Centre 10 October

8pm

Part of the ‘On the Edge’ season at Chapter, this contemporary play by D.J. Britton, has never been performed in this country before. This is a moving examination of language, politics and the clash of cultural perceptions.

James Dickinson Innes, The Heavy Cloud, Arenig

TFrom the page to the screen

Kicking off a running feature on big screen adaptations of novels, Books explores the relationship between both mediums

his summer has seen a spate of films that have been adapted or inspired by established works of fiction, most notably Spiderman 3, Harry Potter and Atonement. The winter season also looks to be flooded by further literary adaptations, such as Brick Lane, Beowulf, Stardust and the beginning of the cinematic adventure for the His Dark Materials series with the release of The Golden Compass.

Since the dawn of cinema, novelto-screen adaptations have been commonplace-films that originated as novels are nearly as regular as those which were developed from original screenplays. Contemporary Hollywood now more than ever seems content with developing familiar texts, characters and themes rather than investing in new and innovative works.

Filmmakers have always been confronted with seemingly impossible difficulties when translating the novel onto the big screen. Early efforts saw translations trying to fit every element and aspect of the novel onto the screen, resulting in films which often stretched well over the eight hour mark. The issue of fidelity to the original texts soon became something that filmmakers were more comfortable with bending to their

needs, as interpretation rather than literal adaptation became more commonplace.

Filmmakers are now more adequate in dealing with difficult aspects of a novel such as internal monologue or stream-of-consciousness by introducing voice-overs, new characters or even self-reflexivity.

Whilst a successful adaptation can delight fans of literature and cinema, when someone gets it wrong they are most definitely made aware of it, not only in the press but also more increasingly in the vicious and vitriolic world of internet message boards. Few adaptations have united both bibliophiles and cinephiles, but the select minority of the triumphant adaptations such as The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Fight Club, The Shawshank Redemption, The Big Sleep and To Kill a Mockingbird are works which will go down in history in terms of both mediums. However, there are instances of mediocre reads being transformed into good films as is the case with Jurassic

Films that originated as novels are as regular as those developed from original screenplays

Park or Blade Runner (Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep).

There is always the case, however, of a great read being given a disgraceful big screen treatment, as was the case with The Beach, where one wonders whether Danny Boyle took the time to actually read the novel or just employ someone to Hollywoodise and distort the original text. There is also the instance of the original work interpreted beyond recognition by the filmmaker, as seems to happen mainly with Bret Easton Ellis novels, to embarrassing effect with American Psycho but to interesting and enjoyable effect in the case of The Rules of Attraction

Perhaps the most readily adapted texts by modern Hollywood are comic books and graphic novels. V for Vendetta and Sin City have both been made into fantastic films, whilst the recent cinematic regres sion of Batman back to the dark and gritty aesthetics and themes of the eighties is a welcome direction, far away from the madefor-children nipple-suit days of the mid nineties. Hollywood looks to continue this love affair with the comic book industry with a sequel to Batman Begins being released next year, along with the first major big screen outing for Ironman, whilst the year after that sees the cinematic reworking of the Watchmen series.

Along with the aforementioned releases, other rumours ready to whet audiences’ appetites are the big screen versions of Chuck Palahniuk’s Choke and Invisible Monsters, whilst Peter Jackson, Rachel Weisz and Ryan Gosling have been attached to the film version of Alice Sebold’s The Lovely Bones.

Whatever your taste in literature, Hollywood is never scarce of literary adaptations, so keep an eye out for that version of your favourite book, and get ready to jump with joy or curse the name of its director.

Tom Williams

Christmas Comes Early for July

My Secret: A Postsecret Book

FFrank Warren Orion

rank Warren started the Postsecret phenomenon in 2004, and as of the publication of this latest collection of secrets has received more than fifty thousand artfully decorated postcards from all around the world. Following on from the success of the last collection, which was a bestseller, this collection focuses on secrets mailed in by people in their late teens and twenties, most of whom are students.

There are a plethora of problems and secrets on display ranging from eating disorders to mental health issues to drug problems and issues of child abuse. The voyeuristic yet emotive and empathetic experience of reading these secrets is aided by the original artwork that the postcards display, be they draw-

Award winning filmmaker and novelist Miranda July has scooped the £23,000 2007 Frank O’Connor award for her collection of short stories No One Belongs Here More Than You.

The collection, reviewed in Books earlier this term, was described by one of the judges, Pat Cotter as, “a book of original genius, a book which we believe will endure for a long time.”

July’s work in cinema has received many an accolade; her debut feature film Me, You and Everyone we Know was awarded a special Jury prize at Sundance and also scooped four awards at that year’s Cannes.

Like the film, the short stories deal

ings or photographs or makeshift collages. Inserted amongst the collection are quotes from people all around the world who testify that the Postsecretproject has changed their lives, allowing them a channel of release that has otherwise been hard for them to locate.

Upon browsing, the book may seem like an emo kid’s playground, but that notion is soon dismissed by the deep yet sometimes lighthearted issues that arise. From “I told my family, the school nurse and my optometrist that I couldn’t see the last rows just so that I would get glasses like my friends” to “I’m afraid to live a Christian life because I might miss out on all the fun”, this collection offers a snapshot of a particular point in an anonymous person’s life. A

with ordinary people who experience small moments which change their lives, both in the way they live them, and in the way they think about them. Both July’s unique narrative voice and her approach to life, love and relationships are the reason she so impressed the panel and saw off competition from Etgar Keret and Charlotte Grimshaw comfortably.

Although a relatively new decoration, the Frank O’Conner award will surely have a say in boosting July further into the spotlight; previous winners of the prize have included Yiyun Li and Haruki Marukami, two cult authors who have no doubt benefited from this up and coming award.

thought-provoking and often tragic read, My Secret is worth buying if not only for the amazing amateur art work exhibited.

The Postsecret phenomenon has grown from a cult website to a multimedia phenomenon. With the release of two books already and no doubt many more to come, and also exhibitions of the postcards, Warren has built an empire which has racked up more than 50 million hits on the website and bestseller status with the first book.

Remaining charitable throughout the success of Postsecret, Warren continues to support suicide helplines and centres and stays true to his original mantra; that of providing an ear for those who need to be heard.

Tom Williams

If you have any ideas for features or want to review the latest releases, come along to a Quench meeting or get in touch at:

books@gairrhydd.com

Digital Love...

THeavenly Sword

SCEE

PS3

he story is that of Nariko the outcast; an incredible battle maiden despised by her clansmen for being born a woman instead of the male saviour she was prophesized to be. Legend told of one who could wield the Heavenly Sword and rescue the clan from the tyrannical rule of the evil King Bohan. Regardless of gender, she is involuntarily thrust into the role shortly after the game begins.

Heavenly Swords technological prowess is undeniable. This game is beautiful, unbelievably so, but where it truly excels, where it will be recognized as a very important milestone for videogames, is its fantastic motion capture implementation. The technique creates an unprecedented fluidity in animation. Andy Serkis of LOTR fame not only oozes out of King Bohan with astonishing realism, but provides dramatic direction that is second to none, thus creating one of the most cinematic experiences in a videogame ever.

As one would expect, Heavenly Sword relies heavily on its combat. In fact, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that eighty percent of the game is

My life coach has suggested I start considering my career options given that my chances of landing a job in my preferred field, cow punching (http:// tinyurl.com/3cxh8p) is “negligible”. With that in mind I took MI6’s online test to discover whether I had what it takes to be an operative. I was delighted to find that after answering a few vague questions on my ability to maintain my cover I could in fact join the ranks of faceless

just that, the other twenty being brief archery sections. Much like other hack and slash titles such as God of War, Heavenly Sword sees you stringing together combos to wreak devastating amounts of death and destruction upon your foes and their surroundings.

Whilst the fights themselves get extremely repetitive by the end of the short six hour game, the combat system never does. It starts out surprisingly deep and grows throughout, adding new combos and tricks to your arsenal as you progress. The archery is equally as fantastic, allowing you to add ‘aftertouch’ (essentially guiding your arrows and other projectiles) by tilting the sixaxis post-launch.

The sad truth behind Heavenly Sword is that its own hype will likely be its biggest downfall. So much depended on it being incredible that its greatness will be still be a disappointment, its minor let downs painfully accentuated. Nevertheless, it’s a game worthy of everyone’s attention. Even if it is short lived, Heavenly Sword delivers beautifully crafted characters, a captivating story, awe inspiring aesthetic achievements and most important of all, a genuinely fun game to play.

Joe O’Connell

This week: the worst game I have ever, ever played

individuals who drive white Fiat Unos, slip ricin into drinks and generally be a professional bastard for Britain. I must admit that I wasn’t too pleased at not meeting the requirements of their current vacancies as I am not a resident of Finchley or Beeston, but I sent them my CV anyway adding on my covering letter that for the right price I may be willing to relocate and ‘brown myself up’ I’ll let you know how I get on.

EJuiced 2: Hot Import Nights

xciting as high-speed runs through Rome or a drift at the base of the Eiffel Tower may sound, the venues featured in Juiced 2 just don’t convey that adrenalinepumping experience.

The events in the game are broken down into two basic types of race, circuit and drift competitions, although the two do not overlap each other, for example in a circuit event you cannot drift around corners and hairpins. If you try to do so too much speed is lost and someone will usually overtake you. Although drifting is not possible around corners, power-sliding is and this is how you fill your nitrous-oxide (NOZ) meter which is stored and available to use at any time in the race once you have amassed it. There are a few hybrid events such as Drift Obliterator, Drift King etc. that do a good job of keeping things interesting but even these events get repetitive relatively early on in the game.

A new and possibly unique addition to Juiced 2 is the ability to “spook” out other racers in events. This is achieved by tailing your opponent until the spook meter shown above their car is full, which causes them to wig out and somewhat unrealistically swerve into the nearest wall, allowing you to take their position.

BCustomization focuses mainly on the visual aspects of the car such as bodywork and decals, whilst tuning and performance take a backseat. The customization interface is not very interesting for people that prefer to modify the performance of the car so they actually perform better in events.

The rubber band AI that is used in Juiced 2 makes the game a little more challenging and at times the computer-controlled racers have the upper-hand and often will beat you through corners and some straights when it seems unlikely that they should, or could do so, which brings down the realistic elements of the game.

Juiced 2 Hot Import Nights is a straightforward street racer with far too much attitude and not nearly enough substance - this sequel has plenty of action, even if it isn’t as hot as it claims. It has good looking environments and event tracks, although the tracks themselves are sometimes too tight to manouvre around at fast speeds, and the vehicles are rendered to a satisfactory level and fall apart near perfectly during impacts and collisions, but they’re nowhere near as well refined or smooth as some of the best 360 racers. Bhanu Singh

oogie’s actual parents are Dance Dance Revolution and the TV show Stars in Their Eyes. When Boogie was still in Stars in Their Eyes dry-ice filled womb Boogie’s parents went for an ultrasound. They discovered that Boogie had a rare untreatable birth defect, kind of like autism but for games. This meant that if anyone who hadn’t watched High School the Musical forty-seven times or more played Boogie, he would become uncooperative and would punish them severely, making them feel like a drunk twofingered leper by having them repeat the same, shitter than the original, cover of Kelis’s ‘Milkshake’ until they got so frustrated that they bit through their own lip and drew blood. When Boogie got older everyone in his school knew he was different; the microphone he carried everywhere he went didn’t help him fit in. “You’ve got a pointless novelty add on!!” the other games at his school would tease. “It’s an essential part of my game!” he would reply. But the other games were right, it was a pointless thing. You needed two hands to hold the Wii remote and nunchuck (which was the only way to play the Boogie anywhere near competently) and only multi-limbed Hindu deities like Ganesh could hold the microphone as well as the pads. Unfortunately for Boogie, whenever Ganesh wasn’t busy looking after all the lovely Hindus in the world the only game he wanted to play was Mario Strikers because he was really good at it and Boogie, in his own words was “infuriating pleb-fodder”. So in the end no one played Boogie other than nine year old girls who liked Bratz dolls and weird grown-ups whose rooms were full of teddy bears and posters of Justin Timberlake.

Dom Mukwamba-Sendall

Blind Da

HHello singletons!

Are you fed up of snogging unsuitables in sticky-floored Solus? Left wistful and teary-eyed by James Blunt? Sick of spending lonely nights sobbing into your pillow? Fear not, for Ms. Plush is here!

No. 1: e

The Taf

PIʼm your guide to dating in Cardiff: supplying you with tips, stories and advice - not to mention my bloody fantastic matchmaking skills! So, until the results from our first Blind Date come back, allow me to introduce you to the Plush sessions: a definitive guide to student romance...

Sharking Guide:

erhaps the most obvious choice for the unattached student with a desperate glint in his eye, this fantastic establishment is in fact a minefield of social cliques.

Thought you’d left all that behind in College? Ha! no way my poor clueless friend. Firstly there’s the question of when to go (monday: scuzzy indie kids, wednesday: fancy dressed jocks), and then where to sit: perched on the bar with the leery beer swiggers? Skirting awkwardly round skinny greaseballs playing pool?

girls who like beefy lads, the gym can also be a bounty of long legged hotties warming up for various thigh-challenging aerobics classes. You can banish any images of Eric Prydz-inspired gym antics, though, the realists among us know it’s mostly filled with sweaty-crotched fatties. Yum. But, if sweaty crotches are your thing then head on down to Cardiff’s very own...

St Maryʼs Street

The ʻCafébarsʼ

My personal favourites, these little hotspots are alive with a more mature species of Cardiff local, yuppies and sloany students with trendy pullovers. Wipe that cappucino foam off your nose, though,it’s a hard transition to make from eating cold beans from the tin to sipping lattes in squeaky leather armchairs.

The possibilities are endless but the potential for disaster is even greater: The Taf is definitely best avoided by the faint-hearted singleton.

Which brings us nicely on to...

The Gym

Not just a perving paradise for

Saturday nights see the zoo-like carnage of tanked up welsh boyos and and their fake-tan streaked female counterparts: a truly disturbing display of the havoc that a few Stellas and a 2am visit to Chippy Lane can wreak. Whether you choose chavvy ’Spoons, the smoky underbelly of Aqua or the over 30s’ favourite Flares, be sure to go with an open mind, vom-proof shoes and rockbottom expectations of meeting your soulmate.

And so endeth lesson 1... good luck kids, and if you don’t have any joy in the meantime remember blind dates start next issue: we’re ready and open for business!

A classier side of Cardiff’s sharking options can be found in numerous jazzily-wallpapered establishments:

Interested in a blind date? Then email me, Ms. Plush - your very own sultry love goddess...

The Gym: a great place to pick up

Prime totty awaits on St Mary’s street

From WAGs to riches

Matt Cutler on the WAG culture infiltrating sport and the superstars who are under-the-thumb.

The WAG culture is part and parcel of sport these days.

The media let us know every nook and cranny into the private lives of any celebrity, the sporting world being no exception. When sports stars hit the front pages as well as the back, it’s a sign that trouble is brewing.

Ever since the 2006 World Cup, where player’s wives and girlfriends seemed to attract more attention than the England team, Britain has been in the throes of a WAG obsession. Typically found wearing skimpy hotpants and oversized sunglasses, they seem to be forever in the public eye.

Although England’s World Cup performance was disappointingly brief, it soon became clear that the WAG phenomenon was here to stay.

known about the subject just over a month ago. The Sunderland manager slated the current climate where top football players are under-the-thumb of media-conscious succubi who are detrimental to their careers.

When Keane tried to attract players to his club, he became increasingly frustrated that more and more footballers are becoming concerned with helping their wives maintain healthy shopping habits rather than their careers.

“They say they are not comfortable doing it - well don’t do it. Obviously it is their partners doing it and they are being dragged along. And these so called big stars are people we are supposed to be looking up to. Well, they are weak. They are soft.”

Roy Keane made his feelings

Church: hands off

Keane is not an outspoken former professional on a tirade against women. Coming out against America’s hottest property, Sir Alex Ferguson recently hinted that David Beckham was never the same player once he married Posh

Spice.

“He [Beckham] used to go into work with the academy coaches at nighttime. He was a fantastic young lad. Getting married into that entertainment scene was a difficult thing. From that moment his life was never going to be the same. He is such a big celebrity, football is only a small part. The big part is his persona.”

But why should having a famous girlfriend be such an unfavourable consequence? Players considering smaller cities undesirable for their career due to their wives’ habit for shopping. Professionals should be making moves to further their careers as opposed to doing what their partners want.

Having a famous spouse also means that sportsmen and women are living a lifestyle which is forever in the papers and distracting from the basics of their jobs. Recent father Gavin Henson has never been the same player who nailed that last minute kick in the Six Nations to get the better of England nearly 3 years ago. Is this the Church-factor infiltrating his rugby career?

Let’s hope for his sake, her recent baby makes her become a stay-athome Mum who let’s him just play rugby to his heart’s content.