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Editorial & Opinion on creationism, feminism and cream teas PAGES 6-7
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Sport talk with Cardiff’s student boxing sensation Joe Hyton PAGE 34
EXCLUSIVE
CON MAN TARGETS CARDIFF MUSLIMS
PHOTOS: Graeme Porteous
SEE WHEN ON PAGE 3
ISSUE 810 March 20 2006
CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY free word - EST. 1972
CAR: Blue Vectra
Victims tricked into handing over cash by fraudster’s sob story By Dan Ridler News Editor
UNION ELECTIONS
CAST YOUR VOTES NOW
MUSLIMS IN CARDIFF are being targeted by a fraudster preying on their generous faith to extort money from unsuspecting by-passers. The con man, who claims to be a Muslim himself and goes by the name of Salim, is described as Arabic in appearance, with dark hair and eyes, slightly chubby with grey hair and estimated to be in his early forties. He has approached several students in a blue Vauxhall Vectra, tending to approach individual males, and is believed to operate at all times of day. His opening gambit to his potential victims is to ask them their faith; as he pulls up alongside a target he calls out of the window “Muslim, brother?”
It is then that he proceeds to try to lure his target into giving him money. Claiming he is from London and cannot afford to get back, he asks the well-intentioned mark to lend as much as they can spare to aid his plight. As a show of supposed trust he offers them an out-dated phone and the fascia of his car stereo, both virtually worthless by themselves. While nobody has accepted these offers, it has persuaded several generous victims of the severity of his fictional situation, who have then gone on to give the man their money. It seems, however, that he is not returning to London, but that he pockets the cash and continues to hunt for other innocent victims for his fraud. The man has come to public attention after Behroze Savul, a
final year electrical engineering student, was approached twice by him in two weeks. The first time he was approached on Salisbury Road Mr Savul gave the man £20 to help him with his alleged trip home. By the second time however, Mr Savul recognised the fraudster. He recounts: “I shouted at him ‘I know you’ and he just changed the subject and raced off.” “He was a very good actor. He spoke English but he couldn’t communicate very well and he had a definite Arab twang to his accent.” Mr Saval was not the only person to be tricked by the fraudster: several people have been caught by his scam in the last few weeks, including Cardiff University accountancy graduate Amran Iqbal.
Story continued on Page 2
ATM: Getting cash
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March 20 2006
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At
a glance March 20 2006 News Editorial & Opinion Letters Mickelodeon Taf Od Politics Media Grab! Health Dear Amber Science/Environment Jobs & Money Television Five Min Fun Listings Scopes Sport
1 6 8 9 11 12 13 15 16 17 18 20 21 29 30 32 33
EDITOR Tom Wellingham DEPUTY EDITOR Will Dean ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan CREATIVE EDITOR Graeme Porteous NEWS Charissa Coulthard, Caroline Farwell, Dan Ridler, Perri Lewis POLITICS Andrew Mickel, Andy Rennison EDITORIAL AND OPINION Sophie Robehmed, James Emtage SPORT Ed Jones, Tim Lewis LISTINGS Will Schmit, Alice Curitz TELEVISION TV Gareth, TV Grace, TV Holly, TV John, TV Jane LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB Megan Connor, Lisa Hocken TAF-OD Lois Dafydd SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT Ceri Morgan MEDIA Heather Casey HEALTH Vanessa Roche, Laura Murphy JOBS AND MONEY Nicola Menage PROBLEM PAGE Amber Duval SCOPES Christina Lane FIVE MIN FUN The Cookie Monster HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson, James Perou SUB-EDITORS Catherine Gee, Charlotte White, Holly Marshall PROOF READERS Sarah Crosbie, Robert Knowles, Sophie Robinson, Kate Ivory, Rachel McWhinney, Wendy Woodhead, Kieran Harwood, Jess Anderson, Alana Lewis, Abigail Wise, Joanne Grew, Tom Hamilton, CONTRIBUTORS Helen Thompson, Rachel Clare, Kerry-Lynne Doyle, Ian Craig, Katie Kennedy, Adam Millward, Lindle Markwell, Aline Ungewiss, Kayleigh Excell, James Skinner, Alice Blake, Richard Lilly, Chris White, Christopher Leigh, Kathryn Harries, Andy Rennison, Nadia Bonjour, Jess Anderson, Daniel Coe, Tim Hewish, Clare Gilliland, James Millard George Pawley, Sean Price, Charlene Hellsten, Toan Ravenscroft ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN ADVERTISING 02920 781 474 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com WEB www.gairrhydd.com LOCATION 4th Floor Students’ Union
THE HATE MAIL ON SUNDAY By Helen Thompson Reporter THE MAIL ON SUNDAY has been accused of encouraging Islamophobia after it attempted to bribe student journalists to look for evidence of extremism within student Islamic societies. Journalists on the newspaper London Student, and University College London’s magazine Pi, were offered £100 to infiltrate the meetings of any specifically Muslim society. The offer came in an email from casual reporter and ex-UCL student Sophie Borland, who wrote that the
Story continued from Page 1 Mr. Iqbal said that the man was ‘essentially giving Muslims a bad name,’ and ‘has to be stopped.’ He is planning to post notices about the fraudster’s activities in local mosques in the hope that this will warn Muslims so that they do not fall prey to the same tricks. The police have been informed of the man’s presence, and police liaison
officer PC Robert Keohane warned students not to lend money to anybody they don’t know.. ‘We wouldn’t advise giving money to anybody under these circumstances’ he said. ‘Clearly this man is praying on good nature and on the Muslim faith.’ The police have urged anybody else approached by the man to contact them immediately.
Universally Challenged UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE trials were held last Thursday for potential contestants on the show. The competition was open to all undergraduate and postgraduate students and was held in the student union. Neither Cardiff University
nor any other Welsh University has ever won the competition. Oxford University has won the past four years in a row. Other winners have included Cambridge University, Durham, the Open University and Imperial College London.
CARDIFF ?
much more than £100 in the event that their findings could be used as the basis for a story. Lay and Jayanetti decided to continue the negotiations with the Mail in order to expose the newspaper’s tactics, but claim that they never intended to target the societies. When they admitted this to Borland, she warned Jayanetti that he may be jeopardising his future career by questioning the newspaper’s morals. She said: “Do you want to get into national newspapers, essentially? My advice to you would not be to criticise them and to cooperate with them.” NUS President Kat Fletcher condemned the Mail on Sunday’s
actions, saying: “This kind of sensationalist journalism... is encouraging discrimination towards certain religious groups and students on campus by playing on fears... and placing a cloud over perfectly legitimate student Islamic societies.” Cardiff’s Islamic society president commented: “Anyone’s more than welcome to come to our meetings; we have no secrecy at all. “If someone wants to spy on us they can; they’re not going to find anything. As a society we are as transparent as we can be. “I can’t speak on behalf of all the students, but the majority of Muslim students just want to get on with their education in a safe environment.”
STUDENTS IN EASY OPTION SHOCKER By Rachel Clare Reporter
SHOCKING RESEARCH unveiled this week found that one in six students had copied from friends and one in ten have admitted to looking for essays on the Internet. The most extensive poll ever undertaken on student cheating at British universities, commissioned by the Times Higher, also found that four in ten students know someone that has tried to pass off someone else’s work as their own. The poll of 1,022 undergraduates at 119 institutions also found that male students are more likely than girls to copy work from their peers. As many as 45 per cent of men and 29 per cent of women students admitted to cheating when doing group project work. A lot more students have revealed that they will copy ideas rather than actual text. Encouragingly, only three per cent of students admitted to copying text word for word from a book or online source. In response to the findings, Jean Underwood, an expert on plagiarism based at Nottingham Trent University, said: “Society has to see plagiarism as
a real issue, rather like drink driving. It is only when the majority see this as unacceptable that it will be brought under control.” The poll also showed that the majority of students know that what they are doing by plagiarising is wrong, with 95% of students considering handing in an essay found online or from a book plagiarism. Three quarters of students considered copying from a friend plagiarism. The results of this poll come just days after a top lecturer at Oxford University warned students that continuing plagiarism will seriously threaten the validity of degrees in the workplace.
CHEATING: Rife
LOCAL FOCUS A soapbox for the views of Cardiff residents
Name: Naran Location: Premier, Cathays Terrace Title: Shop Assistant PRINTED: SHARMANS OF PETERBOROUGH
paper’s editor hoped to discover evidence that extremism is rife within student populations. The National Union of Students has accused the Mail on Sunday of ‘fanning the flames of Islamophobia’ and subjecting Muslim students to the possibility of ‘racism, fear and hostility’. The email to London Student news editors Kat Lay and Chaminda Jayanetti said: “[Look for] anything that suggests that extremism is taking hold. “It doesn’t matter what form it takes, just as long as it gives any indication of extremism.” Along with education correspondent Glen Owen, Borland suggested that the students would receive
How long has Premier been open and how long have you been working here? Just over a year, and I’ve been working here all that time.
I’m doing the London Marathon and lots of people have offered to support me, it’s great. We haven’t had any particularly funny moments – not yet anyway.
What percentage of your customers are students? Around 80% probably.
What are your most popular items? I’d say pasta and pasta sauce.
What do you think of the students that come into the shop? They are really friendly, definitely friendly.
Do you have any bargains or special offers at the moment? We have beer and wine promotions, they are popular. And our bread is
definitely a bargain. What are your opening hours? From 7am to 10pm all week. Is there a message you’d like to give to the students of Cardiff? You’re all welcome here! We love them coming in, and I think we get on really well as part of the community. By Jo Dingle
News
March 20 2005
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MEATING DEADLINES TCH THE D I D
O TY D G R I
Union launches burger bar as police crack down on street traders
Hot dogs By Ian Craig Reporter
By Katie Kennedy Reporter IN THE wake of the recent police crackdown on illegal burger vendors on the streets of Cardiff, the Union is responding to demand by launching its very own in house burger bar trading from two locations within Solus. Launching at Fat Friday this week, the burger bar - which will be operated by Diamond Catering who also provide food for the Union’s CF10 venue - will be offering hot snacks such as hot dogs and burgers as well as vegetarian options. The long-anticipated burger bar follows
President Pete Goodman’s election manifesto pledge to provide a reasonably priced, cost-effective and, above all, safe alternative to the unlicensed burger vans often found operating at the bottom of the Union steps. Pete Goodman commented: “The burger bar is a very exciting development in the Union. It has been demanded by the students for a long time, and I’m happy that the Union is delivering.” gair rhydd’s ‘Ditch the Dirty Dog’ campaign was launched last week when we highlighted the health risks which students run when making use of the illegal traders after a night out.
PHOTO: James Perou
Graduation limitation By Kerry-Lynne Doyle Reporter HUNDREDS of final year Cardiff University students could be graduating without their extended families this year, after the university announced new ticket rules. In previous years graduates were guaranteed two tickets for their graduation ceremony, but were allowed to write a letter to the registry to request extra tickets for other guests. However, final-year students have discovered that the procedure for requesting tickets had changed this year and that spare tickets would only be distributed on the actual day of the ceremony. “I am completely appalled,” said one final-year English Literature student. “A lot of my friends graduated last year and requested extra tickets and they all received the amount of tickets
they wanted. “It’s really disappointing to think that what seemed like a simple procedure last year is not possible for my graduation.” Despite anger from students, the university has defended the move. A spokesperson for Cardiff University said: “The guest ticket policy for the July 2006 graduation ceremonies is unchanged from previous years. “In previous years we invited graduates to apply in writing for any spare tickets that became available, but this application process has resulted in raised expectations that we frequently cannot accommodate. “In order to avoid raised expectations and disappointment, this year we will be advising graduates of the availability of any spare tickets via the graduation website. “The spare tickets will then be allocated on the day of the ceremony on a first come first served basis.”
Eight dogs were killed at a farm near Pontypridd when a fire was started by a puppy. The South Wales Fire and Rescue Service were called to Cwm Heldeg Isaf farm in Cilfynydd at 8:30am on Saturday March 11 when the farm kennels caught fire. It is believed that the fire was started when a puppy knocked over an item in the barn. Although two fire crews were able to bring the blaze under control, they were unable to prevent the deaths of seven week-old puppies and one dog. A further three puppies were given oxygen treatment for smoke inhalation. South Wales Police Inspector Steve Morris said: “We won’t be looking for anyone else in connection with the fire.”.
Cheep deal By Adam Millward Reporter A car number plate which spells out HN51 FLU that has been labelled the ‘Bird flu’ registration has failed to sell for £4,999 on eBay. This is the second time the unusual car registration has been up for grabs at the online auction, but with the original starting bid fixed at £8,999, the plate received nothing but considerable interest, receiving over 10,000 hits. Current owner Craig Whitcombe, 25, from Gabalfa, explained that he and a friend spotted the unusual registration on the DVLA website, and decided to go halves on the £1000 price tag. “We thought it would be funny to buy it and cash in on the frenzy that’s going on with bird flu at the moment.” But the failure of the entrepreneurial venture does not seem to have dented Craig’s spirits: “If it doesn’t sell it doesn’t sell, I’ll still have a great number plate to go on my car.”
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NEW NUS WALES PRESIDENT gair rhydd speaks to the new NUS Wales President, who was elected by only 22 people By Lindle Markwell Reporter THE PRESIDENT OF UWIC’s Students’ Union has been elected as the future President of NUS Wales. Jamie McIndo rose to victory after securing 22 votes from the 34 delegates present at NUS Wales’ annual conference in Llandrindod Wells, Powys last Saturday Despite winning the position, McIndo was in fact the only candidate running and told gair rhydd that he was ‘definitely disappointed’ about the 12 votes to reopen the nomination process (RON). He maintained that the vote had been representative of the 250,000 members of NUS Wales that he will be representing. Bethan Thomas, the current Women’s Officer at NUS Wales, had also been in the race for candidacy, but she dropped out just five days before the vote. McIndo said: “For Bethan to drop out was sad in a way, but
HE T W O KN MS O T P M SY ! Severe headaches ! Stiff neck ! Dislike of bright lights ! Fever and vomiting ! Drowsy and less responsive ! Rash - develops anywhere on the body ! Seizures or fits may be seen
her heart wouldn’t have been in it.” It is likely that McIndo’s lost votes were those of Bethan’s supporters as she had been nominated to run by 11 different people. But, when asked if he thought Bethan could have won, McIndo simply replied: “I believe it would have been very close.” NUS Wales has had a rocky year after former President James Knight resigned in October and was succeeded by Dylan Williams. James Knight cited bullying and victimisation as reasons for leaving, and the newly elected President has clearly given the circumstances of Knight’s departure due consideration before signing himself up for the same position of responsibility. “Things were thrown at him because of his political involvement. It escalated into one of his problems,” said McIndo. “At present I don’t particularly have any political stance and in my opinion that’s the best position to have. “Politics doesn’t have a place
in this sort of job because you have to represent the people who are mandated to you. “ McIndo’s participation in NUS conferences only began when he took up his first sabbatical role as Education and Welfare Officer at UWIC after finishing his course in Leisure and Sport Management. He maintains that he has had no involvement with any political societies or groups, and admits: “I was one of those last year who wasn’t happy with NUS Wales.” But, the future leader has a lot of respect for the current President: “Dylan has been like a breath of fresh air, he has unified Wales in terms of NUS.” McIndo’s own aspirations for NUS Wales are of unity, fighting the funding situation in Wales, and keeping a cap on top-up fees. At the same conference Becky Church, former President of Swansea Students’ Union, was elected to the post of Deputy President. Both candidates will take up their new positions at the beginning of July this year.
Cardiff Ear today, meningitis alert gone tomorrow A FIRST YEAR Business student at Cardiff University has been admitted to hospital with suspected meningitis. The unnamed student, who lives at home, was admitted last Tuesday and students are being advised to be extra vigilant. The National Public Health Service has been informed and is issuing close contacts of the student with antibiotics.
THE
TEST’ R E L B ‘TUM
If you or a friend falls ill and gets a rash, do the ‘tumbler test’. If the glass tumbler is pressed firmly against the rash and the marks do not fade, seek medical help immediately – this may be a septicaemic rash, a symptom of meningitis.
By Katie Kennedy Reporter A MOTHER has appeared in Cardiff Crown Court after biting off a part of her neighbour’s ear in a drunken brawl. Marciana Snook, 29, of Grangetown attacked her friend and neighbour Maria Kelly after an argument about Mrs Snook slamming a door in her home in September last year. The court was told that the two neighbours had been drinking before the fight started and it eventually ended on the floor with the pair swearing and pulling each other’s hair. Mrs Snook, who has one daughter, pleaded guilty to the charge of unlawful wounding.
When her husband returned to the house, he found the missing piece of the ear and put it in the freezer, later this was found to have Mrs Snook’s DNA on. Prosecution lawyer Andrew Morse, said: “The complainant is disfigured, and says she’s very selfconscious because she gets a lot of people looking at her when she goes shopping.” Judge David Wynn Morgan said to Mrs Snook: “It goes without saying that what you did to the complainant was terrible. “It has destroyed what was left of her confidence and made her extremely apprehensive with other people.” She has been sentenced to 12 months in jail, 150 hours of community service and is banned from contact with Ms Kelly.
News
March 20 2006
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World News in Brief By James Skinner
Keeping it Kosher By Aline Ungewiss Reporter AFTER PRESSURE from Tel Aviv’s chief rabbi, the fast food chain McDonald’s has changed its golden ‘M’ shaped sign to include the word ‘kosher’. The new move is to show the non-dairy products on its menu in branches across Israel.
In a first for McDonald’s, the golden arches of the two branches will have new blue backgrounds, replacing the trademark red ones. The chief rabbi, Israel Meir Lau, refused to sign kosher certificates for McDonalds branches as the religious law for Jews forbids them to mix meat and dairy products in a meal. The rabbi was also concerned
: S Y O BAD B New York cops face trial for double lives COP: E ppolito
’s book
that tourists or young people visiting one kosher branch would immediately jump to the conclusion that all McDonald’s branches contain non-dairy products on their menu. The company agreed to change its brand sign in order to prevent confusion between kosher and non-kosher, preventing Jews from breaking their religious codes.
The company has become more careful after accusations of racism two years ago for banning the use of Arabic by its staff in Israel, as well as pressure by religious campaigners because it employed Jews on the Sabbath. International chains generally struggle to make their mark in Israel as they are unable to compete with local outlets.
By Katie Kennedy Reporter TWO FORMER police officers have gone on trial in New York for allegedly leading double lives working for the mafia. The long awaited trial of the decorated police detectives is already being called the most sensational court case in years, with Hollywood closely watching the turn of events. At least five books are already being written about the case and the rights have been sold for one Hollywood film. Prosecutor Mitra Hormozi told the jury: “The two men were not traditional mobsters. They were better. They could get away with murder because these two men were New York City police detectives.” The prosecutor claimed the pair
FRENCH STUDENTS protested in their thousands last week against controversial new labour laws. The two-year job contract law for the under 26s allows employers to
sack young people without giving them a reason. The newly introduced First Employment Contract has enraged students and it is thought it could erode job stability in a country where more than 20 per cent of 1825 year olds are unemployed. Last Tuesday, police clashed with students when the protests turned violent outside Sorbonne University in Paris.
Student protests also took place in Marseilles and Bordeaux with an estimated 7000 to 15000 student turnout in each city. Police in Paris are on high alert as schools and universities in the capital are disrupted, with trade unions calling upon students to take to the streets. President Jacques Chirac has responded to the protests by asking for negotiations, but he stressed the
A WOMAN from Norway said she ‘thought she was in heaven’ after discovering that her water supply was instead offering her plentiful amounts of beer. An employee of the bar two floors below had mistakenly connected a new barrel to the wrong pipe. The mix-up was especially sweetened as Norwegian beer prices are among the highest in the world.
Buddah boy missing A JUNGLE in southern Nepal was the site of a massive search operation when a 15 year-old boy, believed by many to be the ‘reincarnation’ of Buddha, went missing. Hundreds of people including police and family members scoured the jungles of Bara in search of Ram Bahadur Banjan. He disappeared last Saturday after his clothes were discovered at a site where he had been meditating for ten months, in which time he purportedly consumed no food or water.
made $4,000 (£2,300) monthly for keeping the Lucchese Mafia clan informed of prospective police searches and investigations, and assisting with murders. Stephen Caracappa, 64, and Louis Eppolito, 57, are protesting their innocence. The trial though is said to be full of irony. Carcappa helped create the police department that fights mafia Chef quits crime and Eppolito has written an autobiography called Mafia Cop: SINGER ISAAC Hayes, who voices The Story of an Honest Cop Whose Chef in the cartoon series South Family Was the Mob. Park, has decided to leave the show The key witness Anthony after ten years following an ‘inappro“Gaspipe” Casso, who allegedly priate ridicule’ of religion. paid the detectives for their servicDespite featuring taboo subjects es, will be missing. He is currentsuch as peadophilia and terrorism, ly serving a prison sentence of the show became too much for Hayes more than 300 years after enterwhen the cartoon’s creators quesing the witness protection protioned the authenticity of the Church of gramme only then to be convictScientology, to which Hayes himself ed of new drug offences. belongs.
Fight for your right By Rachel Clare and Kayleigh Excell Reporters
Beer on tap
importance of the law that intends to combat unemployment. Union officials say they will not enter into talks until the contested law is suspended. The legislation was introduced to help poorer young people who faced a lack of employment opportunities, but this has proved unpopular with the French middle class.
GIVE ME A REASON: Protestors
Yellow snow storm METEOROLOGICAL OFFICIALS in South Korea were recently perplexed when yellow snow fell in the capital and elsewhere in the country. “I have never seen yellow snow falling before,” said one official. Potentially a health hazard, it seems that the snow contained dust or sand from the deserts of northern China.
pPassenger pranks MOTORISTS IN the United States have resorted to placing inflatable dolls in passenger seats to avoid fines for driving alone in car pool lanes. American police have confiscated various sex toys and also caught drivers using their dogs to trick officers into thinking they were carrying a passenger. Drivers are cruising bus queues seeking passengers before entering what are known in the US as “high occupancy vehicle” lanes.e
Editorial & Opinion
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Union Elections
I
t’s your Union. Or so the democracy-promoting slogan would have you believe. It mostly belongs to the few who choose to play a part in its functioning at student council, and predominantly to the officers of the Students’ Union Executive. The sabbatical team makes decisions every day that directly affect thousands of students. Electing the right person for the job is among the most important decisions to face students. It is difficult not to have noticed the parade of election candidates surrounding the Union building, and many campaigns are based on little more than populist gimmickry. It is easy simply to vote for the person who has been most visible. When you’re stuck with them for a whole year, it’s worth taking the time to read each candidate’s manifesto and make and informed decision. As George Bernard Shaw said, “Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.” (Medical) Trials and Tribulations
There is an element of calculated risk in day-to-day life, as anyone who has crossed Newport Road will testify. Taking part in medical trials may seem tempting - they do pay well but, with new drugs’ unpredictable effects, it’s simply not worth it. The six men in intensive care as a result of testing drugs designed to treat leukaemia gambled and lost. So, advice for hard-up students: get a job you layabout.
T
here are men who refer to some women as 'slappers,' which is a derogatory term. It denotes a female who is perceived as having loose sexual morals, a female who has had numerous sexual partners, a female who exposes her flesh liberally, a female who looks like sex and generally gets a lot of it. It is a term of abuse and one that is used by both male and female persons directed, on the whole, towards females. Worryingly though, it would not be so ridiculous a notion, in this time and place, to replace the word 'slapper' with the words 'empowered woman' without changing the original meaning much. This is a sad misguided reality that contributes to oppressive female stereotyping. In twenty-first century Britain it has become increasingly acceptable for women to make their own independent choices about what they wear, whom they sleep with and how they participate in society generally. It is apparent that many women choose to exercise such freedoms by behaving in ways that would qualify them as 'slappers' under this broad criteria. A woman's right to make her own choices should not be disputed. But there is the occasional need for those choices to be reconsidered in terms of the effect they have on an individual’s place in the world and the place of women as a whole.
It is alarming how some women have delusions of empowerment Many women, in a natural attempt to be found attractive by the opposite sex, pander to this idea of what men want by hitting the clubs and pubs looking like tits on toast, ready to be munched. None of this is surprising for it is inevitable. Yet it is alarming how some women have delusions of empowerment, when in truth the reality of a women's choice to join the Bare Body Brigade (BBB),
leaves them further locked into a system of male sexual expectation. It demeans a woman’s own sexual potential to allow her sexuality, or at least her representation of it, to be determined almost entirely by another person’s idea of it. It is controversial in this part of the world to talk of female liberation, as if we are all entirely liberated. It ignores the fact that female oppression doesn’t exist. What is hugely depressing is the realization that it is now women themselves who perpetuate female subordination. They subscribe to male ideals of female sexuality, thus subordinating themselves and they cut each other down, often mercilessly. This may be explained by a kind of brutal competitiveness that women are increasingly displaying towards one another, and is subsequently becoming the established dynamic between many women in this culture. This is an entirely separate issue however and one that requires its own debate.
It is now women who perpetuate female subordination To enjoy flashing a bit of skin in order to both express one's own sexuality and appeal to that of others’ is valid, enjoyable and yes, empowering even, but at present the balance is way off keel. We have the situation now where many women, young women in particular, walk the winter streets, freezing from skimpy clothing, in order to appeal to men. These women are cold because their desire to be found sexually attractive overrides their basic need for warmth. This is wrong, surely? I suspect this trend will cease to be the case, at least in part, only when the popular images of perceived empowered women, those being a disconcertingly high number of former or current page three models, are replaced by women who cultivate and demonstrate their sexuality entirely on their own terms. To all those freezing members of the BBB, I suggest you put a coat on tonight. It is bitter out in the cold.
IMAGING: Anna Robinson
T
rust, one of the most valuable commodities in a modern life ruled by mendacious politicians and businessmen. The man in question is obviously a bit on the dim side. He claimed that he was surviving on his last drop of petrol, yet drove around the same area targeting the same group of people. How long was he going to keep that up? The targeting of generous students by a conniving con artist who used the implicit trust of his shared religion to persuade young Muslims to hand over money is both conniving and sad. How can these shysters sleep? The more times trust is broken by conmen like this the more society becomes mistrustful of itself. While this may be a good thing in bringing duplicitous politicians to account it makes us all less likely to help those in genuine need. You can never be sure if someone is in actual need, so think about it a bit before you go to a cash machine and hand them a crisp note. On the other hand, if anyone in a white van offers you some cut-price speakers politely tell them to ‘eff off’.
Freedom of expression? Or an expression of desperation? Alice Blake argues its time women stopped exposing so much flesh
SLAPPER: Incoming
by alex wallis
FREE WORD
THE BARE BODY BRIGADE
Al’s World
gair rhydd
It’s your lucky day! By Richard Lilly
L
ife’s great isn’t it. Take today for example, I’ve just won a fortune on the UK National Lottery, I’ve inherited 12 Million US dollars from an estranged uncle who made it rich in the oilfields of Nigeria, and to top it off I’ve just met an incredibly honest lawyer online who wants to give me $2 million to help him get some unclaimed funds out of his former employee’s bank. Sod the degree, I’m moving to Rio. Now I know most of you might not believe the whole-hearted truth of these messages that we receive daily in our spam-boxes, but I’m
pretty sure that there must be an infinitely tiny proportion of people who do go along with it, pass on their bank details, and get shafted. I kind of feel sorry for the wannabe con-men of wherever these messages emanate, as it must get incredibly boring thinking up implausible situations whereby you can con some gormless punter out of their bank details. If it works once though, sat behind your computer thousands of miles from anywhere, who or what’s going to stop you resending the message to half of the addresses on Hotmail? It’s a lot easier than most jobs. I have this vision of a poorly-lit back-room in a seedy third-world city
where lots of sweaty clerks are typing furiously at their dirty PCs and wondering when the fans might start working again. There is a noise at the door and in comes the boss smoking a cheap cigarette, the workers cower down and try to type with more vigour. “Where is your new piece?”demands the boss to a nervous-looking young typist, “Well… I… I thought that I’d use the old ‘conflict-diamond-trader-wholeft-$10-million-in–a-bank-accountbefore-dying-in-a-plane-crash’ theme, but I just can’t find the motivation.” “Why you worthless scum,” shouts the boss, “I told you never to
stray from the ‘Dubai-property-millionaire-with-cancer-looking-for-anhonest-beneficiary’ line. Get working properly you useless bastard. That’s the last time I employ journalism students to do mans’ work!” The clerk reluctantly gets back to work, and as he does so, a shout from another part of the room announces that some fool in the Netherlands has just fallen for the ‘Sudan-oil-explorationist-who-diedleaving-his-family-needing-a-helpfulstranger’ tag. The boss laughs, briefly detaching the cigarette from his lips; “We’ll eat well tonight”… I would go on with this little fantasy, but I appear to have just won the lottery again…
March 20 2006
Editorial & Opinion
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Education not creation When science is unscientific, it’s no wonder that people look to the supernatural. Chris White on creationism
A
that’s how science works. In fact, when the theory that became the Big Bang was first proposed by Georges Lemaître in 1927 it was almost immediately discarded precisely because of an initial lack of evidence. Such claims come from ignorance of science and of the scientific method. (Either that or certain people have been reading Derrida and are trying to apply the ‘any-interpretation-isvalid’ principle of postmodern literary criticism to the natural world.) Rather than sneering at those who do not accept evolutionary theory, Dawkins might do better explaining the science to them, as the Royal Society’s Steve Jones attempts to do next month with his lecture Why Creationism is Wrong. Dawkins’ popular science books describing his work are very good, but are not enough: it’s hard to get people with an opposing viewpoint to read them. During a recent late-night discussion with a Christian preacher David - I suggested that if he actually read some science it might disabuse him of his creationist position. I quoted from John Milton’s Areopagitica: “Who ever knew Truth put to the worse in a free and open encounter?” David told us he wouldn’t be doing that, since he finds Dawkins ‘offensive’; probably the most commonlyused thought-terminating cliché of our time. Creationism’s new, recast pseudoscience, intelligent design, was recently banned from US schools’ science curricula after a federal judge ruled that is a predominantly religious theory and violates the establishment clause of the First Amendment to the Constitution. While he is probably correct, it should never have come that far. ID shouldn’t be taught in science classes, not because it is a religious theory, but because it simply isn’t a very good one: it makes no definite predictions and is not testable by experiment, for starters. By all means go crazy with intelligent design in philosophy classes; it can lead to some interesting discussions; just don’t call it science. Existing curricula contribute more than their fair share to widespread misunderstanding of science. The sub-
ject isn’t taught in schools; it is indoctrinated. Concepts at GCSE level are either grossly oversimplified (Big Bang) or simply not explained (Darwinism), usually accompanied by a teacher feebly conceding that all will reveal itself in the fullness of A-levels. This is also a lie. Nor has the Internet been an entirely good thing for education. Wikipedia articles are the knowledge equivalent of a dirty Saturday-night kebab: it might seem better than nothing, but you can never really be sure where it’s come from. The encyclopaedia that anyone can edit is particularly pernicious; both symptomatic of and perpetuating ill-informed learning. A study by Nature magazine found Wikipedia’s science entries to be over 30% more error-ridden than the Encyclopaedia Britannica. It’s hardly surprising for a site to which anyone can contribute.
The basic scenario is thus: Person X, erroneously believing that he understands a complex subject, writes it up for Wikipedia. This passes through uncorrected, for there are no experts at hand, and is then spread to an unknowable number of readers. With the subject in question not completely understood, it becomes more likely that the driving idea is rejected out of hand. David the Preacher dismissed the Big Bang, as he believed it to be analogous to a conventional explosion. Why one should then assume that the situation is a dichotomy and that Darwin wasn’t entirely correct then Creationism must be the answer is a mystery. (Though it’s fundamentally indifferent to Atheists rejecting Judeo-Christian narrative and subsequently assuming that there can therefore be no god.) In his Independent on Sunday column, Michael Bywater once recount-
ed having discussed ideas with a friend as though they were species; the fittest, the right one, will survive. If that analogy holds then evolutionary theory is something of a panda: perfectly capable of survival but unwilling to breed. It remains to be seen whether Steve Jones’s lecture will create the same media spectacle as those rare occasions when pandas actually bother to have sex. No; the defence of science has been left to others. In fact, writers seem to be putting in the lion’s share, albeit in a vastly unscientific way. It was sci-fi author Iain M Banks that first wryly pointed out the irony in creationism as per Genesis having evolved into intelligent design. The most fun to be had, however, is in taking the Old Testament as aetiological – as stories concocted to explain the (contemporarily) unexplainable – and then inventing a story to explain the story. My personal favourite is another of Douglas Adams’ (ahem) creations. In his 1998 speech Is there an artificial God? He suggested that early Man evolved to find a world that fits him rather well (precisely because he evolved to the environment) and assumes that it was built specifically for him; he then invents a Creator: a much more powerful version of himself, the only thing around that invents anything. Adams compares this to “a puddle […] thinking, ‘This is an interesting world I find myself in – an interesting hole – I find myself in – fits me rather well, doesn’t it? In fact it fits me staggeringly well, must have been made to have me in it!’ This is such a powerful idea that as the sun rises in the sky and the air heats up and as, gradually, the puddle gets smaller and smaller, it’s still frantically hanging on to the notion that everything’s going to be alright.” When I suggested to this to David, he rather predictably found it offensive. I have my own Genesis interpretation, and something of a reconciliation attempt. Owing to some odd mistranslation, it wasn’t clear that Adam was in fact unicellular. Alas, it’s just a theory, and I have no evidence.
By Christopher Leigh
upholds the noble traditions of cream tea preparation and service, sends a frisson of excitement to my stomach and salivary apprehension to my taste buds. Unfortunately, the poorer proponents of the art tend to muddy the culinary waters of the pool so that it’s hard to know where to go for a really stonking cream tea. However, fear not my listening brethren, I am about to tell you how to achieve the Holy Grail. Read on and be enlightened. The irresistible duality of the
dish means it’s hard to know which element should be given prime importance. I mean, what is a scone without the tea needed to lubricate the palette for adequate gustation? But then again, a lone cup of tea simply longs to be given a healthy mouthful of spongy carbohydrate to chase down. Ah well, ‘tis not important. What is important is the quality of ingredient. Firstly, the tea should be prepared in a pot wrapped in a woolly jacket, leaf tea too and none of this
dreadful putting the water and milk in at the same time nonsense. A finger of cold milk should sit at the bottom of each guest’s china cup ready to coalesce with the tea after a few minutes of brewing. Another matter of utmost importance is the use of saucers to save the nonasbestos of hand. The scones should be hot and plain. No raisins, no cheese, just a simple carriage for the union of cream and jam from plate to face. Mentioning the jam, it should be
strawberry for reasons of tradition and prettiness. The clotted cream should be refrigerator-cool and it should be noted that butter has no place in this dish. Now here goes. In its role as surrogate butter, the cream should hit the scone first. Dollop some from the pot onto the halved scone on your plate and then add a knifeful of jam to top it off. Bite. Chew. Drink tea and be merry.That’s it, simple really but the best things in life always are.
IMAGING: Will Dean
torture device might be an odd thing to want to blink into existence, but given a free choice of anything to pluck out of fiction and into the real world, it’d be the Total Perspective Vortex from Douglas Adams’ The Restaurant at the End of the Universe every time. It drives its victim insane by showing them the unfathomable vastness of the Universe, and their tiny, insignificant place within it. Useful, I’d bet, to try to show the arrogance of believing that such a vast cosmos was made for the benefit of mankind. Creationism is growing on both sides of the Atlantic; British students of medicine and of biology are failing exams for quoting scripture as scientific fact and in the US 45% believe that God created Man in the last 10,000 years. Part of the responsibility for the rejection of Darwinian evolution must lie with scientists. Creationists are on a crusade, and science is turning the other cheek; but only in supercilious derision, dismissing the opposition without a hint of counterargument. Debate between geneticist Richard Dawkins and Michael Behe, the leading proponent of intelligent design – creationists’ (ahem) evolved argument – might as well be: Dawkins: “Man evolved from lower species.” Behe: “But… irreducible complexity!” Dawkins: “Your mother.” Dawkins showed himself to be as dogmatic as he accuses the religious of being, with his recent broadside against faith in which he claimed that it is the ‘root of all evil’ (rather than an excuse for tribalist violence derived from its (mis)use for definition-byexclusion). A quick look both at the atrocities of secular regimes and the pacifism of Buddhist Tibet will quickly refute his claim. Simply put: there’s no evidence. And that little nugget, coupled with “it’s just a theory” (just a theory? Pardon?) and applied either to natural selection or Big Bang cosmology seems to be creationists’ favourite phrase. Clearly there is evidence;
DOUBLE HELIX: Not the Tower of Babel
The perfect cream tea...
T
he thing that really pulls at the heartstrings of this expatriate Englishman is the rosy memory of taking cream teas on hot Cornish summer days. Aberystwyth or Llanberis may be beautiful places for scoffing a few scones but indulging in this most guilty of pleasures must always remain an English delight. Finding an establishment, which
Letters
Page 8
March 20 2006
letters@gairrhydd.com
gair rhydd letters pages Hello, I hope you are well. As there are so many letters this week, I only have a small space to fill. Oh well, shit happens. There is still plenty of debate to be had, including; Iraq, the Woodville, Fun Factory, Coke, Andrew Mickel, People and Planet and Tesco - what more could you want? Enjoy. Menon.
Yellow Fever I LOVE the Woodville. It’s great. Good location, nice atmosphere and not unattractive staff. I have many good (if a little hazy) memories of it from my three years at Cardiff University. I am a particular fan of the ‘Scream Burger’, as even though it is quite expensive, it feeds two people. I am also very interested in the concept of the whole galaxy muffin/burger thing. I mean, it does sound fairly disgusting but you can tell a lot of thought went into it. Whoever came up with the yellow card system deserves recognition. You really only need one per friendship group if that. (It depends how sociable you are feeling). Basically, to sum things up, I’m a big fan of the Woodville. So you can imagine my shock/distress on discovering it has been painted a colour that can only be described as baby diarrhoea. To emphasise the horror that is, this colour is accompanied by clashing shades of pale yellow! Why has this been allowed to happen? Distressed third year
Wonderful Woodville PERHAPS THE old adage, ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’ is appropriate here. I wonder why you feel the need to write into a letters page about a pub that, so far, you have only walked past. Possibly opinion should have been reserved until you have managed to set foot inside its walls, especially if you love it as much as you claim. I’ll agree the colour is not as playschooly as it was previously but you
have to grow up some time. Take a look inside and I dare you to not be impressed by the results. The jukebox is sparkly, shiny and packed to the gills with cracking music, the sofas are comfy and now have material on them rather than just leather and there’s lamps and curtains and things. According to one staff member ‘you can’t polish a turd’ but they have certainly had a damn good try. Next time write a letter about something that actually matters. Yours, Woody barmaid
Shun Factory I AM in complete agreement with Bex’s letter from last week. Fun Factory is the worse excuse for an alternative night that I’ve ever been to. When did the Baywatch theme tune (Oct 05) fit the bill as alternative? As a first year student I’ve been disappointed by the limited crap on offer in Cardiff for those of us who like rock/alternative music. Alternative clubs are being infected by people who hardly know how to respond to a heavy bass riff! Why the hell do they come? I doubt very much that the union would lose money if they made Fun Factory properly alternative as there are hundreds of patrons out there just waiting to have a decent night out! If you don’t believe me take a look at the new student website where an entire thread was dedicated to the alternative night in Cardiff by prospective students of our great uni. A word of advice to the girls; rock and alternative nights are not for posers. Plus pretty indie boys with better bone structure than yourselves are hardly going to grope your bum like on
Text: 07791165837 The rumour that dom is in love with rory is true. i should know!
Chav didnt set off the fire alarm.
Lost- IMG Football, plz return if found.
Chav obviosuly would never set a fire alarm off at 2 in the morning.
Pipes, ive done the same! we should meet up and abuse ourselves together.
Where has the fit red head girl from costa gone?
Sod tesco and the local shops- long live lidl!
Random men in my bed, i love bradfrod and bingley.
Oh no! Not the brum bum love glove!
Gooders. I would SO let you do me. I want you hard and fast.
Through space and time... HYPER YAP!
Mushroom mushroom!
letter of the week Coalition or war? HAVING READ Steffan Thomas’ letter in gair rhydd last week, I feel compelled to respond. As one who was present at the AGM (indeed, I spoke in opposition to the motion in question), I can only wonder whether Steffan was paying attention, or whether his is one of the most closed minds I have come across in twenty-six years. Thomas demands the withdrawal of Coalition forces, but, as was pointed out at the AGM, the Iraqi Government, which has the power to demand our withdrawal, has made no such request. Thomas declares: “The peacekeeping force should not include a Wednesday night. Therefore do us a favour and don’t show UP! As for the DJ, he needs to be reacquainted with the music and to stop playing the same old drivel Monday after Monday! Please let us have a proper alternative! Yours Angst-ridden bitch
Blood Feud? I WOULD LIKE to thank Andrew Mickel for giving coverage to the (now very evidently contentious) issue of the Coke Boycott. I think it is important that both arguments are aired and healthy debate should be encouraged. Andy has clearly given a lot of thought to the particular matter and certainly couldn’t be accused of apathy. I disagree with him. In my opinion a person’s right to live will always supersede my comparatively trivial right to choice of sugary beverage. However, I respect that his view is just as important as mine and he does offer some arguments against boycotting that shouldn’t be dismissed. I would implore interested readers to research the different viewpoints and make an informed decision for themselves. There are a couple of points from Andy’s letter in last weeks gair rhydd that I would like to draw attention to: Firstly, regarding the AGM vote for the Coke boycott, Andy implies that the vote may not have been entirely democratic (“It is, in my opinion, a decision that has been hoisted upon the students of this university”). Not all the students are represented in AGM, in the same way that not all eligible voters in this country are represented in an election - because some don’t exercise their right to vote. But such is the nature of democracy - you have to speak for your voice to be heard. Maybe Andy has a point though. Maybe the AGM system should be altered for fairer society representation, and this is possibly a point for discussion. However, how the AGM is run is not up to any individual society and therefore all we can do is work in accordance with the current system. Secondly, I think your portrayal of People & Planet as a society solely hell
British or American forces.” I demand, who appointed you judge over the nations? If he wishes to treat the new, democratic Iraqi state with respect, he should respect their wish that the Coalition troops remain until the country is made stable. As far as I am aware, there are no countries queuing up to take on peacekeeping duties after a Coalition withdrawal (should Thomas know differently, I’d like to know who they are). As the winning side at the AGM stressed, the alternative to the Coalition presence is civil war. I, for one, do not wish to see hundreds of thousands dead just so I can go up to Bush and Blair to say “see, I told you so.” bent on boycotting stuff and generally trying to make students’ lives miserable is unfair. Anti-consumerist activism is a very small element of our campaigning that has been blown out of proportion and sadly detracts attention from our many more significant, positive campaigns (you should come along to one of the meetings Andy, I can assure you that Wal-Mart and Rolls Royce haven’t been mentioned in a single one that I’ve been to.) In reality most of our energy goes into campaigning for positive change at a fundamental level to try and address the obscene imbalance of living standards in our world, be it by fighting to make AIDS drugs more accessible to third world people or calling for farmers to be able to trade on a more level playing field. We don’t claim to be the ‘moral guardians’ of anyone, we’re merely a group of students who see our planet falling to pieces around us and find it difficult to just sit and watch. We’re not the saviours of the world, we know that as individuals we probably won’t implement huge change, but is that justification for apathy, or just giving up? Finally, obviously we’re going to be a little defensive when we’ve been so vigorously attacked in recent weeks, but we’re not looking for a fight (or ‘blood feud’) and we never have been. Judging from the unnecessarily aggressive tone in your last letter the only person I suspect who is, Andy, is you. Regards, John, People & Planet
Tesco Tirade DISGRUNTLED second year students aside, we support the article ‘Every Little Hurts’ (Issue 807) and thought we’d clarify a few reasons why. The reason why it is hard to find students that are pro-Tesco is that those who have lived in the Cathays community for more than one semester are adequately serviced by the shops that are here. Let’s not forget about the non-student population, who will be here long after we have all graduated. Writing ‘forcing the smaller local
While the Socialist Workers’ Party may want to play politics with the lives of Iraqis, the students of Cardiff University do not, as they showed at the AGM. Oh, and if you want proof of an anti-democratic campaign by Steffan Thomas and his ilk, I would point to a call for academic departments to sever any links with the defence industry they might have buried in a motion opposing top-up fees. A call I did not spot until it was pointed out by a speaker on the motion. The sanctimonious hypocrisy of these people sickens me to the core. Yours sincerely, Gerard Charmley
shops’ may seem like the only argument to you (Disgruntled second year student, issue 808), but the people whose livelihoods that Tesco will have destroyed in three months don’t need another argument. Moving from a small village to a capital city, it is nice to know you can still feel a sense of local community when picking up your shopping. When was the last time someone in Tesco remembered your name and the cigarettes that you smoke? Instead we are bombarded with ‘parrot-like’ banter such as “do you have a Clubcard?” And: “Do you want any help with your packing?” The staff really don’t give a toss and are just waiting to clock off in two hours - take our word for it, we’ve both worked there. As for ‘knowing’ that your food is fresher and of a higher quality from Tesco, we thought you might like to know a Good Health magazine investigation found Tesco stocking 33 dayold grapes. For a healthy three-minute walk away from Tesco, or next door on Albany Road, you can find perfectly good greengrocers who, at no extra cost, will pop your apples in a brown paper bag rather than three layers of plastic. “All’s fair in love and war.” I wouldn’t exactly call it fair, not when you have a £50m advertising account. Yours, Two anonymous ex-Tesco workers (because at Tesco, that’s all you ever are)
Please email letters to
letters@gairrhydd.com Fancy a moan about student life? Want to get your point across to the Cardiff student population? Then you’re in the right place! Email us your letters on the above address. We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but bear in mind we have space restrictions, tight deadlines to meet and some standards of decency remaining. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not neccessarily the views of Letters Desk, Cardiff University Students’ Union or gair rhydd.
Comment
March 20 2006
Page 9
columnist@gairrhydd.com
MICKELODEON
Warning: from next week Andrew Mickel will be replaced by a branch of Tesco
Strike one
L
ecturers have a pretty tough lot in life. Instead of joining the fun of the real world, they have to watch countless numbers of nubile new students come in every year, underlining how old and saggy life has become. Now, to add insult to injury, no one can be bothered to give them a decent pay increase. Plus it peed down last week on the first day of strike action, which I’m reading as a sign that God isn’t on their side. There’s little to dispute with the fact that lecturers do get something of a raw deal. They were promised that their wages would be increased when extra government cash came through for the university, and the pitiful amount that many are paid is a disgrace. I don’t know about you, but I feel slightly uncomfortable making a shopping trip to Lidl with any of my lecturers. It’s certainly exacerbated by the data released last week that showed our Vice-Chancellor, being the modest fellow he is, took a pay increase of 61% last year. So, in short, I for one don’t have a problem with them having a strike. Hell, it just means I don’t have to feel bad for missing lectures on that particular Tuesday.
I feel slightly uncomfortable making a shopping trip to Lidl with my lecturers But that doesn’t excuse certain aspects of the current actions taken by the AUT. If you look at the union’s website (www.aut.org.uk) the organisers seem more concerned in getting positively orgasmic over how much they’ve been able to disrupt things, rather than aiming for any actual positive outcome from the action. Some individual members have also started to get a little too involved in the excitement. Whilst many lecturers who support the action in general are sickened by the idea of boycotting assessment that would actually affect any student’s graduation, others are less concerned about the very reason they are here in the first place. One AUT member told me last week that I should put my own selfish interests aside. Yeah, that would be my own selfish interest in graduating, which I’ve spent four years here working towards. It’s the same problem with the AUT’s attitude as an organisation as a whole: if they do give a toss about the fact we’ve had to pay a lot of
STRIKING LECTURERS: Well, almost. Also, when did they get STA Travel in the Ukraine? money to be here and deserve to graduate, they’re certainly keeping it pretty quiet. The whole issue is seriously exacerbated by the lack of information given out. The university has provided next to no information, with AUT strike details hidden away on the website. My department only sent out one email, the day before the strike. AUT members, meanwhile, seem to be largely in disarray as to what is happening. Whilst one lecturer has happily given marked coursework back, another is holding on to it on the grounds of an assessment boycott. Given the marks I’m getting back this may not be a bad thing. But, at the very least, the idea of a united front in terms of action is complete fiction. If most lecturers do decide to mark exam scripts and coursework by the end of the year, then the Uni just has to hold its nerve. Given how quickly the strikers threw in the towel two years ago then hopefully all we should have to do is wait. But considering the mixed messages that have been given out by the AUT so far there’s no guarantee that it will turn out that way. At the very least, the broad support from students that lecturers had for the first strike seems likely to vanish faster than a striking lecturer in a rainstorm when it becomes clear what the outcome of the boycott will be. If the selfish elements amongst the AUT could be reined in, and a clear roadmap be made to reassure students what is going to happen, they could win back support for the actions. As it is, the union is just going to back itself into a corner with no support from anyone, and the underpaid will still be stuck with the raw deal they have now.
Electile dysfunction
O
ne of the biggest events in the Union year is the election of a new Executive, but you won’t read anything about it in the gair rhydd. Thanks to the absurdities of the Union’s constitution we can’t write anything about individual candidates during the election. This has obviously been set up with the thinking that we can’t promote one candidate more than another. Other papers don’t have this problem; the Oxford Student can even pick their favourites. For us it means that the candidates, as they have done this year, can construct them from
solid gold guff and there’s nothing we can say about it. If a candidate proposed banning all chairs from the Union, then we could only dutifully report this fact, and that would be the end of that. I’ll return to the topic once the polls are shut, but in the meantime, make sure you ask the candidates how on Earth they plan on doing many of their policies. If it’s an impressive-sounding claim, then in many cases it means that plans are already in motion by the Union and will be in place by the time the candidate is in office.
MICHAEL GAMBON: As good as Nana Moon. Fact.
DRUG TRIALS & TRIBULATIONS THE VICTIMS of the drug trial that has gone horribly wrong in London this week should have a special resonance for students. As a means of earning a few grand for taking a couple weeks off, kicking back in a drug trial centre and having everything done for you, I know plenty of people who’ve taken part in them and bankrolled a fair chunk of the year off the back of it. Of course, last week shows how things can go awry, but it’s so notable because of the very fact that this sort of thing doesn’t happen every day. I know that I wouldn’t do a drugs trial. Not that my body’s a temple; it’s more a synagogue in the West Bank. But this one example shouldn’t suddenly put people off the idea of making money the easy way.
I LOVE YOU PEOPLE HAVE been accusing Mickelodeon of being negative, rude and angry. Well balls to you, you fat sack of crap: like Julie Andrews on crack, here are a few wonderful things in the world to cheer your day. Southend-on-Sea XFM limescale Czechs Krishnan Guru-Murphy toucans labradors ER santa costumes laundry baskets the look of grim determination on the faces of people looking at ambulances speeding to emergencies the East London line shipping forecasts making it safely across the bridge next to the Union £1 corner shop cake trays Hungry Horse pubs Annie Mac strikethrough fire escapes the woman who signs on Points West the word ‘tabernacle’ Lakeside the Shortwave Set One Hit Wonder Weekends on VH1 Susan Kennedy a book my Grandma knitted me
NOISE: Unfathomable love garden centre coffee shops hearing about Moldova pea fields hats passports isle of man pound coins the Salisbury Road Post Office The Tavistock TOTP Reloaded Invader Zim pizza pie pizza pie Michael Gambon the fact that, like The Day Today, ABC News now uses square globes the post grad bar properly applied speech marks Cineworld the LWT theme tune Mint Royale the idents they play before films at Vue that lifts made by Schindler are ‘Schindler’s lifts’ free newspapers Nana Moon (RIP) the letter W
Taf-Od
Mawrth 20 2006
Tud 11
tafod@gairrhydd.com
BLWCH I GYMRY 2011 Gan Kathryn Harries Golygydd Taf-Od
YN 2011 BYDD Y Cymry’n gallu nodi eu hunaniaeth genedlaethol ar y Cyfrifiad am y tro cyntaf. Yn ôl y Swyddfa Ystadegau Cenedlaethol bydd y cwestiwn sy’n ymwneud â hunaniaeth genedlaethol yn gofyn a yw’r unigolyn yn cysylltu’i hunan â Chymru, Lloegr, yr Alban neu Iwerddon. Daw’r newid hwn i’r Cyfrifiad yn dilyn cwynion nad oedd blwch ‘Cymry’ yn 2001 er bod ‘Albanaidd’ yn cael ei gynnwys, a gwrthododd rhai Cymry lenwi’r ffurflen. Mae Sue Essex, Gweinidog Cyllid a Materion Cyhoeddus yn Llywodraeth y Cynulliad, yn cydnabod gwerth y Cyfrifiad. ‘Mae’r Cyfrifiad yn darddiad allweddol o wybodaeth ar gyfer llywodraeth leol a chanolog a’n cael ei ddefnyddio i greu polisïau, cynlluniau ac i ddosbarthu adnoddau’n effeithiol,’ meddai. ‘Cyflwynodd Llywodraeth y Cynulliad nifer o atebion i’r broses ymgynghorol a bydd yn parhau i gydweithio gyda’r Swyddfa Ystadegau i sicrhau y bydd Cyfrifiad 2011 yn adlewyrchu buddiannau Cymru.’ Yn ogystal ag ychwanegu blwch
Newid i Gyfrifiad 2001: cynnwys blwch ‘Cymry’ yn 2011 ‘Cymry’, mae disgwyl i Gyfrifiad 2011 gynnwys cwestiynau newydd am yr iaith Gymraeg. Roedd cwestiwn yng Nghyfrifiad 2001 i ofyn a yw’r unigolyn yn gallu siarad, darllen, ysgrifennu a deall y Gymraeg. Ond mae’r Swyddfa Ystadegau’n
ystyried cynnwys cwestiwn sy’n gofyn pa mor aml y bydd siaradwyr Cymraeg yn ei defnyddio. Er bod Owen John Thomas o Blaid Cymru yn dymuno mwy o bwyslais ar yr iaith Gymraeg, nid yw am weld unrhyw newid yn y diffiniad o Gymry
Cymraeg fel y gall Cyfrifiad 2011 gael i gymharu â Chyfrifiadau 1991, 2001 a 2011. ‘Dylai penderfyniadau yngl_n â’r iaith Gymraeg aros gyda Llywodraeth y Cynulliad neu Fwrdd yr Iaith Gymraeg,’ meddai.
Mae Elfyn Llwyd, Arweinydd Plaid Cymru yn Nhy’r Cyffredin, hefyd yn croesawu’r sylw ychwanegol i hunaniaeth Gymreig. ‘Dwi’n falch bod y Swyddfa Ystadegau wedi dod i benderfyniad,’ meddai. ‘Yn 2001, gorfodwyd y Cymry i alw’u hunain yn Brydeinig.’ Ond mae’n pwysleisio ei bod hi’n angenrheidiol i’r Cyfrifiad ofyn mwy o gwestiynau am y Gymraeg er mwyn adlewyrchu gwir sefyllfa’r iaith. ‘Ry’n ni angen gwybod y nifer o siaradwyr Cymraeg sy’n byw mewn ardaloedd ym Mhrydain, y tu allan i Gymru,’ meddai. ‘Mae Llywodraeth y Cynulliad, Bwrdd yr Iaith a Phlaid Cymru’n cytuno y byddai’r wybodaeth honno’n werthfawr ar gyfer asesu faint o Gymry Cymraeg sy’n gadael Cymru.’ ‘Er mwyn darganfod i ba raddau mai’r Gymraeg yn iaith fyw a ffyniannus, ry’n ni angen gwybod pa mor aml ac i ba safon mae pobl yn ei defnyddio. Mae’n ymddangos bod gwybodaeth fel hon yn cael ei hanwybyddu ac, unwaith eto, byddwn ni’n derbyn canlyniadau amwys a chamarweiniol [o’r Cyfrifiad].’ Mae’n edrych yn debygol y bydd mwy o newidiadau i’r Cyfrifiad cyn ei ddosbarthu yn 2011.
Tom yn Taclo Tlodi’r NOFEL DDADLEUOL Trydydd Byd Gan Kathryn Harries Golygydd Taf-Od
Gan Kathryn Harries Golygydd Taf-Od DANGOS MENTER busnes yw’r ffordd orau o leddfu tlodi’r Trydydd Byd. Dyna neges Tom Cairnes, 27 oed, o Aberystwyth. Newidiodd ei swydd fel ymgynghorydd rheoli yn Efrog Newydd i weithio gyda’r Cenhedloedd Unedig yn Sierra Leone, sef ail wlad dlota’r byd. Ers symud i brifddinas y wlad, Freetown, yn 2004, mae Tom wedi goruchwylio datblygiad 400 o gwmnïau cydweithredol amaethyddol gyda’r Cenhedloedd Unedig. Ond ei gam nesaf yw sefydlu cronfa ecwiti preifat er mwyn annog cwmnïau rhyngwladol i fuddsoddi yn Sierra Leone. ‘Mae’r wlad yn dechrau ailgodi ar ei thraed ar ôl dioddef effeithiau trychinebus y rhyfel cartref a orffennodd yn 2001 ar ôl brwydro gwaedlyd a welodd golli 200,000 o fywydau,’ eglura Tom. ‘Mae yna gyfleoedd da ar gyfer buddsoddi yn y wlad hon. Mae yna dir amaethyddol cyfoethog yno, gweithwyr llafur rhad a pharod a gr_p o reolwyr â sgiliau da o blith y Diaspora sy’n awyddus i ddychwelyd adref i gyfrannu at dwf y wlad. ‘Mae’n bosib nad y Cenhedloedd Unedig neu asiantaethau’r llywodraeth yw’r cyfryngau gorau ar gyfer taclo tlodi,’ meddai Tom. ‘Y sector preifat sy’n galluogi diwydiant i gynhyrchu a chreu swyddi ac mae gan bobl Sierra Leone ei hun bob cymhelliad dros ailadeiladu’r wlad.’ Er bod Tom yn gweld eisiau ei
deulu yn y Deyrnas Unedig, mae’n mwynhau chwarae rhan yn nhwf Sierra Leone. Mae ganddo fywyd llawn yno, ac yntau wedi meistroli’r iaith Creol leol, Krio, a gwneud digonedd o ffrindiau o blith y bobl ddwad sydd yn y wlad a’r cymunedau lleol. ‘Mae ysbryd pobl y wlad hon yn rhyfeddol. Maen nhw wedi gorfod wynebu a goroesi cymaint o galedi ac yn byw mewn tlodi enbyd, heb drydan na dwr . Ysbeidiol yw’r rhan fwyaf o’r anghenion sylfaenol, a hynny yn y dinasoedd yn unig, ond lle bynnag yr ydym yn mynd mae pobl yn gwenu ac yn chwerthin. Does dim amheuaeth bod eu bywyd yn anoddach, ond mae pobl yn goroesi gyda’r ddynoliaeth ryfedda’.’ Mae Tom yn falch iawn o’i wreiddiau Cymreig hefyd ac wedi creu dolen gyswllt rhwng ei gyn ysgol gynradd yn Nhal-y-bont, ger Aberystwyth ac ysgol gynradd yn Freetown, sydd â’r enw priodol ‘Cardiff Preparatory School’. ‘Pan ddywedais wrth ddosbarth o blant 8-10 oed bod gennym olau a d_r sy’n rhedeg gartref, roeddent yn meddwl bod Tal-y-bont yn ddinas enfawr,’ meddai Tom. ‘Bydd hi’n beth amser nes bod holl wlad Sierra Leone yn cael dwr glân sy’n rhedeg a gwasanaethau sylfaenol eraill.’ Portreadir bywyd Tom yn Sierra Leone mewn rhaglen ddogfen ar S4C, sef y gyntaf yn y gyfres newydd ‘Wynebau Newydd’, i’w darlledu am 9:05pm ar 23 Mawrth.
ENYNNODD NOFEL arloesol yn y Gymraeg o’r enw ‘Ffawd, Cywilydd a Chelwyddau’ gan Llwyd Owen ymateb cymysg yn Eisteddfod Genedlaethol Eryri a’r Cyffiniau 2005. Daeth y nofel, sy’n rhoi darlun o fywyd dinesig Caerdydd, yn ail yng Ngwobr Goffa Daniel Owen. Iaith lafar Caerdydd sydd yn y nofel, yn fratiaith llawn Saesneg a
rhegfeydd, ac yn ôl beirniaid y gystadleuaeth dyna’r rheswm na chipiodd y wobr gyntaf. ‘Es i ddim allan o fy ffordd i greu dadl,’ meddai’r nofelydd Llwyd Owen. ‘Dyw iaith lafar pobl ddim yn berffaith. Mae hynny’n cael ei adlewyrchu yn yr arddull a dwi’n ymddiheuro dim am hynny.’ Cred Llwyd Owen fod angen am fwy o lyfrau Cymraeg sy’n defnyddio iaith bob dydd er mwyn iddynt apelio at oedolion ifanc a cheisio denu darllenwyr newydd i’r Gymraeg.
Nofel arloesol Gymraeg
Politics
Page 12
March 20 2006
politics@gairrhydd.com
Old Tories, new tricks
Politics continues its analysis of the top three political parties: this week, Cameron’s Tories come under the spotlight for examination
By Andy Rennison Deputy Political Editor
T
he Tories are on the warpath. Popping up amongst the middle order of headlines just last week was Shadow Defence Secretary Liam Fox, claiming that Argentina is once again threatening the Falklands. Well hoorah with big brass knobs on. Let’s paint over the rust and send down the fleet – where’s the Admiral? Take him off that ventilator, prop him up and let’s smash those filthy Argies! Hold on, there is one slight complication. Mike Summers, from the Falklands Island Council, says the possibility of an invasion is ‘almost laughable’. Since he’s 8,000 miles closer to the issue than Dr Fox, I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt. Okay, so we can put the Harriers back in their boxes for now, as this isn’t a particularly serious matter. But it does show that confidence is high enough in the Tory camp to incite international conflict. At the heart of this buoyancy is the word ‘change’. Change is seen to be sweeping the Conservative regime, blowing away the snobbery cobwebs and moulding an opposition fit to govern one and all. Cameron is apparently leading this youthful charge, his fullbodied mane rippling as the wind rushes past at breakneck speed. Big C’s importance to this Tory rev-
olution was indeed underlined earlier this month, when former leadership contender Ken Clarke admitted that there would have been a ‘blood bath’ if he had tried to achieve the kind of change young David is bringing in. Hang on a second though: Ken Clarke? That flabby pensioner-elect, the self-labelled ‘big beast’? He seems
It seems clear there is little truly new about the aesthetics of the Conservative benches a little rusty to be speaking for his party during this new era of stupendous upheaval; you’d have thought that three failed attempts at leadership would have inclined him to sod off. Yet it gets worse. Amid a variety of new units set up to move the party forward, the ‘Democracy Task Force’ is being led by none other than Mr Clarke. Never mind whatever the hell a ‘Democracy Task Force’ is, the key issue is that ol’ Kenneth has the chair of it. Maybe my alarm bells are ringing a bit too loudly – I mean, he is only one wrinkly stalwart interrupting a sea of vibrant Tory newness, right? Eh, no. There is more than one Conservative
task force. Michael Heseltine – that’s Lord Heseltine to me and you – has been given the job of getting the urban masses to vote Tory, heading a new cities task force. I’m aware that this particular Lord has some experience in helping the likes of Liverpool out of the doldrums over two decades ago, and fair play to him for that achievement. But this guy is retired, he’s 73 this Tuesday, and he’s worth around £250 million at the last count. To me, that’s an ill-suited CV for someone trying to get their ear to the street and sort out Britain’s crumbling inner cities. And yet, just when you think Cameron couldn’t hark back any further to the depths of Tory history, he does. Heading up the task force for Social Justice is the Right Honourable MP for Chingford and Woodford Green, Mr Iain Duncan Smith. What is the thinking behind this? I mean, as an MP you can keep him sitting quietly on the backbenches, but don’t make him any more prominent than that. Considering the widespread public indifference he received as leader, it would be social justice indeed to wipe poor IDS off the political radar. It’s bad enough that William Hague is now Shadow Foreign Secretary, but at least he got to contest a general election as Tory chief. So it seems clear that there is little truly new about the aesthetics of the
Conservative benches, despite the fresh-faced, moisturised Mr Cameron. The question is whether or not this is a case of old dogs but new tricks, or simply more of the same Conservatism. Nobody can know for sure whether modernity will infect the Tories and overcome its well-established ranks. Though I’ll bet that if you ask a 73 year-old Lord to change his political principles, he’ll give you a damn good
thrashing. You cannot blame Cameron for employing the services of those with track records behind them; you don’t discover a new generation of hip-hop Tories overnight. But, somewhere, a hidden PR monkey is fashioning this illusion of a newborn Tory transformation, and that monkey should not be fooling anyone.
HESELTINE: 73 this week and still has something to say
THE VOICE FROM WITHIN By Tim Hewish Conservative Party Member
H
ome Counties Conservatism is a very different experience from the Welsh variety. Having been brought up in Buckinghamshire, the ‘Tory Blue County’, I was in for a shock when I moved to Cardiff. In Freshers’ week I walked up to the table marked ‘Tory Party’, and was somewhat reluctant to put my name down, as the people representing the party looked like two geeks who spent too much time face-down in political textbooks. The ‘I love Boris’ badges went down well, but considering he was my former neighbour in Henleyupon-Thames, I thought to myself: what relevance does BJ have to Wales? I put my name down and thought little of it until just before Christmas, when David Davis came to town. I’d have preferred Santa Claus, but I suppose he wasn’t a bad second. Meeting the university’s supporters of the party, I found about eight people who sadly fell immediately into their above stereotypes. Upon
quizzing them on who they wanted to win the leadership contest all sided with Cameron and cited that a ‘compassionate Conservative’ was what ‘we’ needed. What those alliterative words mean, I’m not totally sure. To quote the official website, ‘Conservatives are not ideologies, that is why in each generation we
change, applying our values for new challenges’. This has me at pains because ideology is exactly what politics needs. Well, what else can we believe in? It is needed because without it, your party has no base, no structure. Labour found this with the vote on education, with Blair having alienat-
ed his ‘Old Labour’ members and destined to rely on Tory votes to push his bill through. Some wings of the Tory party welcome this move as Cameron’s support is like that of Robert Peel, who transformed the Tory party into the Conservative party, and believed firmly in ‘not opposing for opposition’s sake’. This is a mature concept as it supports the view that what is best for Britain should prevail, not simply one party’s agenda.
Cameron needs support from all wings of his party if he is to succeed and gain office
BO JO: Has he got news for you?
But like all political greats he had enemies; Peel was branded a person who ‘ratted on the Tories’ and who had ‘stabbed them in the back’ over Roman Catholic Emancipation and the Corn Laws to name but a few. Today, the right of the party feels Cameron has done the same to them, but whereas Peel brought them suc-
cess and long years in Government many feel Cameron may simply be all talk and no walk. Cameron needs support from all wings of his party if he is to succeed and gain office. However, there are murmurs that we need ‘one nation Conservatism’, such as the ideology used by Disraeli, not ‘compassionate Conservatism’, which holds little substance. ‘One nation’ is all about all classes working together and all regions, not just the elite ruling the waves. There is also a common view that the Tories are ‘anti-Welsh’ because we do not support the calls for devolution. Our belief is that a fragmented Britain isn’t a successful one, and we can support a strong Wales without such moves. With the Hustings meeting this Wednesday I urge supporters of the party to listen to what the candidates have to say on the Tory view for Wales and vote accordingly. The National Assembly elections start in May 2007 and 20 of the seats are via the proportional representation vote; this is a great opportunity to move forwards showing that Conservatism in Wales is not just for eight geeky people, but for the whole nation.
Media
March 20 2006
Page 13
media@gairrhydd.com
MEDIA TO BECOME ‘FAST FOOD’ Metro-sexual Rupert Murdoch predicts a future of media consumption at the expense of print journalists
By Kayleigh Excell Media Reporter
By Adam Millward Media Reporter
M
edia mogul Rupert Murdoch forcasted a ‘fast food’ future at a conference held in London this week for The Worshipful Company of Stationers and Newspaper Makers. The News Corp executive who owns Sky, the Sun, the Times and Fox, to name a just a few, expressed his concern that modern technology will force newspapers into decline. He called the arrival of the net the “second great age of discovery,” and compared Internet pioneers to the global explorers Columbus and Cabot. In his speech entitled ‘The Dawn of a New Age of Discovery: Media 2006’ Murdoch predicted that: “Media becomes like fast food - people will consume it on the go, watching news, sport and film clips as they travel to and from work on mobiles or handheld wireless devices like Sony's PSP, or others already in test by our satellite companies.” Murdoch's prominent message was that, in order to survive, media organisations need to move with the times and embrace modern technology. He saw that, if ignored, the internet could spell the end of the road for media barons as bloggers take over, commenting: “Power is moving away from the old elite in our industry; the editors, the chief executives...” The speech comes after last June's warning from Murdoch’s right-hand man Peter Chernin, that young people are shunning newspapers. Murdoch made clear his awareness of the changing needs of media audiences: “A new generation of media consumers has risen demanding content delivered
C
MURDOCH: Step away from the newspaper and get blogging when they want it, how they want it, and very much as they want it... This new media audience - and we are talking here of tens of millions of young people around the world - is already using technology, especially the web, to inform, entertain and above all to educate themselves.” News Corp’s Myspace.com, a social networking community for bloggers world-wide, is evidence of Murdoch's successful delve into internet technology. MySpace.com was created in 1996 by Intermix media and cost News Corp a massive £331m. The expense has paid off, the site now draws in 35 million users and is among the top 100 most visited sites on the web. MySpace, which is credited with propelling Artic Monkeys into fame, is among the webs fastest growing sites. Murdoch, who at first was said to be
uncomfortable with the web, has now adopted a 'change or die' attitude stating: “Today one of our great challenges is to understand and seize the opportunities presented by the web… It is a creative, destructive, technology that is still in its infancy, yet breaking and remaking everything it its path.” The web versus newspaper battle is a long running one and if Murdoch’s forecast of a ‘fast food’ media culture takes form newspapers world-wide will be pressured to invest a great deal of effort into building great web-sites. However, he made clear that there is still hope for traditional journalism: “Great journalism will always attract readers. The words, pictures and graphics that are the stuff of journalism have to be brilliantly packaged; they must feed the mind and move the heart.”
paper. Metro consists of a refreshing mix of international, national and local news, written in a concise, easy-to-read style and claims to have ‘no political axe to grind’. It includes features on travel, entertainment, night life, sport and health and it has a
oined as the ‘world’s most widely read free newspaper’, Metro is one newspaper that is certainly going places and this week it has come to Cardiff. Metro, a free ‘urban’ newspaper began in 1999 and was aimed at the expansive commuter population in London. After initially struggling to raise income, the turning point came after three years of publication and since 2004, profits have raised 20% per annum and Metro has spread into 15 major cities. Managing director, Steve Auckland, has announced he is: “A big believer in regional newspapers,” despite the fact that the majority of the localised press M ETRO: Rea d all about are struggling to make it ends meet. Auckland puts Metro’s success down to marketing: “We’re in a fast-growing website. Auckland believes that: “the unique position because we’ve got a young, urbanite audience and challenge for Metro is always to advertisers are really keen to get keep fresh” and for the studentinto that market… We do clearly friendly sum of nothing, it sounds pick where we are going – we don’t like a good deal. Metro is available at major train want grandmas picking [Metro] and bus stations across Cardiff up.” Cardiff will be joining esteemed from 6am-10am, Monday to Friday. Metro has a circulation of company, from cities as far North as Glasgow to Dublin in Ireland to 25,000 daily copies, printed and Bath in the South. This is the first distributed from Trinity Mirror Welsh city to distribute the news- Cardiff business.
SKYPE OUT YOUR PHONE BILL ONLINE
By Nadia Bonjour Media Reporter
W
ireless broadband telephony is one of the latest phenomenons in the communication world. A threat to current telephone operators, wireless broadband telephony is becoming increasingly popular as internet users become more and more comfortable with using their net connections. Saving money whilst on the phone is the main attraction that internet phoning offers. Developing at a fast rate, internet phoning has become the cheap substitute to fixed-line calls. Internet phoning can work in three different ways, making it more accessible to a larger group of people. Options range from carrying out calls from computer-to-computer, with the help of headsets, to having the possibility of doing them from computer-to-phone, either to a fixed line or mobile line, and finally the opportunity to carry out calls from a fixed line using VoIP (voice over internet protocol).
Programmes such as Skype are further promoting the popularity and fashion of internet phoning by providing an attractive and easy-to-use platform for users. It is currently the most famous software enabling broadband telephony via a computer.
Skype’s mission is to provide a “simple and friendly communications tool” Created in 2003 by Scandinavians Niklas Zennström and Janus Friis, who also founded the world’s most popular internet software – KaZaA, developed Skype based on ‘peer-topeer’ principles. Skype’s mission is to provide a “simple, reliable and friendly communications tool” that will allow people to carry out “unlimited calls using an internet connection.” Effectively, that is what it is successfully doing. Skype is the essential ‘platform’
software enabling connections to be established between users. Besides requiring a computer possessing an internet connection, a microphone headset will be needed as well as the additional VoIP software, which will actually enable the connection between callers. Then Skype, or other similar software, needs to be downloaded and installed on the computer. Adopting a similar layout to Windows MSN Messenger, Skype provides the opportunity to create an address book, adding fellow Skypeusers as well as displaying your status and your friends’ status. When two users are connected at the same time, they will be displayed as being online, and similarly to MSN, it is a matter of clicking on their symbol, requesting to start a conversation and wait for a connection to be established to then start talking, free of charge for the length of time you want. It is also possible to SkypeOut, meaning carry out a call from a computer to a phone, whether it is a landline or mobile. Although this is not
free of charge, the cost still remains lower and more attractive than regular phone rates. Payments are done through a credit card where it becomes a matter of creating an account on Skype and topping-up the desired amount, whenever needed. To ‘Skype’ and ‘SkypeOut’ are now featuring more frequently into everyday lingo. This cheap and friendly alternative to traditional phoning services is bound to take the media world by storm, never mind hit phone companies with a blow. Predicted to be the ‘next revolution’ in telephony, Skype has all the attributes to succeed in our everincreasingly media focused society. If you want more information or details regarding Skype and wireless broadband telephony, SKYPE: A te lephony revo useful addresses are: lution www.skype.com or www.fcc.gov/voip/
grab!
March 20 2006
Page 15
competitions@gairrhydd.com
WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!
PRAWN CRACKER ANYONE? WHILE SERVING up a pre-cooked sweet and sour on a makeshift desk in your room isn’t too much trouble, romantic meals for two aren’t rife in shabby student pads. Faced with the economic temptation of whipping up value noodles in a kitchen that even night-lights can’t romanticise, it’s not often students get to sample quality oriental cooking in opulent surroundings. That is, unless they’re treated to a slap-up meal in the Pearl of the Orient, Cardiff’s premier oriental restaurant. Since students either can’t cook or won’t cook decent oriental food (and often don’t have a clean wok to do it in) the Pearl of the Orient have teamed up with gair rhydd to give away a romantic meal for two.
DO YOU KNOW THIS PERSON? FOLLOWING THE success of last year’s After Shock event at the Students’ Union, After Shock are back in town with a brand new give away. Sadly, this time there aren’t any crazy After Shock dudes wearing silver boiler suits and shocking pink hair. However, there are some great prizes to give away, including a bottle of After Shock if you can identify the person pictured opposite! This enthusiastic chap was well up for a night of After Shock-style fun last year and doesn’t he look like a top bloke? If you think you know him (by the way he’s on the right - pictured with an After Shock rep) email us at the usual address and you could win your very own bottle of After
Shock. As always, After Shock have students on the agenda this year, bringing a multitude of sensational flavours to the Students’ Union. Whether it be the warming cinnamon spice of After Shock Red, or the icy cold bite of After Shock Blue that tickles your taste buds, the entire range is available at the Students’ Union. Maybe you’ll pick the tongue-tingling menthol rush of After Shock Green, the electric energy of After Shock Silver or the glow of After Shock Black. There’s a sensation to suit every palette. We have some great After Shock prizes to give away - simply email us with your entries by the end of the week.
One lucky reader and their guest will win a three-course meal at the restaurant, situated in Cardiff Bay’s Mermaid Quay development. Since opening in April 2001, the restaurant’s specialist chefs have given customers a true taste of the orient by whipping up countless mouthwatering dishes. From classic aromatic crispy duck to Malaysian whole baked fish served on a bed of banana leaves, the extensive menu of Cantonese, Pekinese, Malaysian and Szechwan cuisine will satisfy anyone’s taste-buds. The restaurant’s contemporary interiors complete the fine dining experience: alongside an aquatic themed bar well-stocked with a fine range of wines, champagnes, beers and lagers, an open plan layout and stunning water feature create the ultimate relaxed atmosphere.
If you fancy being spoiled (or are seriously malnourished) why not enter our competition? To be in with a chance of winning an evening meal for two at the Pearl of the Orient, simply email us at the usual address with the answer to the following question: Where is the Pearl of the Orient located? For further information and menus, please visit www.thepearloftheorient.com or call the restaurant on 029 2049 8080.
MOTOWN BABY! IF YOU’RE one of those people who regularly sings into your hairbrush or goes for a boogie about the house when the coast is clear (and let’s face it - that’s all of us) now’s the time to get your tickets for Dancing in the Streets, the latest hot musical to hit Cardiff. Coming to Wales Millennium Centre straight from the West End, Dancing in the Streets is a spectacular show that transports you back in time to celebrate the golden years of Motown. If you’re a sucker for a bit of Marvin Gaye, the Temptations and the Supremes, you can look forward to an evening of fun when the talented Dancing in the Streets cast hit the Donald Gordon Theatre. Recreating classic hits including Baby Love, My Girl and Reach Out, the company and band will have you dancing in the aisles! To celebrate Dancing in the Streets’ arrival in Cardiff, Wales Millennium Centre have teamed up with gair rhydd to give away four tickets for the opening night of the show on Thursday March 30, 2006. If you’d like to be our lucky winner, enter by emailing us at the usual address, with the answer to this question: The Dancing in the Streets cast will be performing chart-busting hits originally made famous by The Temptations, Stevie Wonder and Marvin Gaye. Which famous record label do these artists once share? The closing date for entries is March 25; please include your full address. Dancing in the Streets is appearing at Wales Millennium Centre from 30 March – 1 April 2006. To book tickets call 08700 40 2000 or visit www.wmc.org.uk.
FOLLOWING LAST week’s sporty special I thought it was only fair that I let you indulge in some luxury prizes. This week we’re giving away top-notch grub at the Pearl of the Orient, plus the chance to sing along to the hottest musical in town. And if these competitions don’t grab you, what with exams and coursework deadlines looming in sight, I’m also sparing a bottle of After Shock to keep you guys alive and kicking. You be good now… These lucky sods are getting their paws on some top prizes… Well done to NEIL YOUNG, HANNAH JONES, ANNA DAVIES and HANNAH JEBB – your Nick McDonell novels are ready and waiting. Congrats also to LAURA EVANS, our Edward Scissorhands winner. Keep your eyes peeled for more winners next week in our final issue of the term.
WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!
Health
Page 16
March 20 2006
health@gairrhydd.com
Pill popping people Modern lifestyles often prevent us from getting all our RDAs so more people are turning to supplements to fill the gap. Health looks at the ups and the downs of this growing trend By Jess Anderson Health Correspondent THE UK IS obsessed with health and well-being. We are bombarded by choices for a healthier lifestyle, from the Akins diet to Pilates, gym membership to detox, and everything in between. The use of natural remedies has been steadily increasing, as people want to take greater care of themselves without resorting to more conventional forms of medicine. Vitamin and mineral supplements are one area of natural healthcare that has seen a lot of growth over the last few years, with more than one in three British people taking a daily supplement of some sort. Most of us get all the nutrients our bodies need by eating a varied and balanced diet. The term recommended daily allowance (RDA) refers to the amount of essential vitamins and minerals we need to avoid a deficiency. Most of us meet these requirements by eating a varied and balanced diet, and have no need to take supplements. However, there are some good reasons for doing so. Some groups of people have special needs, and require supplements to achieve the RDA of certain nutrients. For example, a vitamin D deficiency is common in people who rarely go outdoors, in babies and young children, in vegans, and in the elderly. Women who are prone to having heavy periods are often anaemic and need an iron supplement to make up for what their body loses.
Too much of one mineral can stop the body absorbing another properly Folic acid is essential during pregnancy and helps to reduce the risk of the unborn child developing conditions such as spina bifida. Another reason for taking supplements is to make up for an inadequate dietary intake.
PILLS: Once you pop, you just can’t As nutritionist James Connell says, “the pace of modern life often does not allow for the consistent consumption of a balanced diet, and the processes involved in the manufacturing, cooking and storing of food can sometimes compromise the nutrient content of the meals we eat.” Because of this, many people choose to take supplements as a safeguard. There is also research which suggests particular supplements are very good for us; for example, a recent study showed that vitamin E supplements can reduce the incidence of heart disease by up to 40 percent. However, there is also a major downside to taking vitamin and mineral supplements. Research into the negative effects has led to their safety becoming a cause of concern for many doctors and nutrition experts. An excessive intake of certain nutri-
Decisions decisions AT THE end of the day, taking vitamin and mineral supplements is a matter of personal choice for each individual. Research has shown that there are both positive and negative effects to both courses of action, and it is of course up to you which research you choose to listen to and believe. In either case, the British Nutrition Foundation advise eating a varied and balanced diet rich in fruit and vegetables. this should provide you with most of the nutri-
ents your body needs to stay healthy. If you do want to take a daily multivitamin supplement, then feel free to do so as these have not been linked to any particular health-related problem or adverse side effect. However, if you want to take more than a daily dose of zinc, for example, make sure that you stick within the RDA provided unless advised otherwise by a qualified practitioner.
stop ents has been shown to have harmful side-effects. For example, zinc has been linked to damage caused to people’s immune systems. In addition, the health of people who take a variety of supplements is at risk, because taking too much of one
mineral can prevent the body absorbing another properly. In 2002 the European Food Safety Authority released a report following intensive investigation into the supplements available for the public to buy. The report concluded that the
majority of vitamins and minerals are safe if our intake does not exceed the recommended safe upper limit (SUL). However, safe upper limits were suggested for eight common supplements, and an additional 23 received guidance levels. As a result of the report, the European Food Supplements Directive was passed, with the aim of protecting consumers from unsafe products and excessive doses. The new legislation came in last August, making around 300 common ingredients illegal and restricting the sale of certain products. The Food Standards Agency (FSA) also issued its own report, in 2003, which set SULs or guidance levels on 31 vitamins and minerals and gave warnings about particular supplements. Many nutrition experts welcomed the new legislation, saying it was long overdue in a market that had previously been poorly controlled. However, there was also professional opposition to the report such as from the Health Food Manufacturers Association (HFMA), who believe it was “flawed to the extent that it could [have] lead to unnecessary bans on some key nutrients.” Adding to the confusion is the fact that many nutrition experts believe that the risks of supplements have been overstated. Dr. Robert Verkerk, executive director of the Alliance for Natural Health (ANH), says that there is very little evidence that long-term supplementation is harmful, yet there is good evidence that it is beneficial.
Problem Page
March 20 2006
Page 17
problempage@gairrhydd.com
Amber Duval DISPENSER OF FILTH AND / OR LIFE ADVICE
This week: the penultimate part of the saucy saga that is Vested Interests... Hello, girls, boys and in-betweeners! Well, it’s a sad thing to say, but this week’s page contains the penultimate of the Vested Interests saga, so make sure you pick up next week’s issue to see how it ends (you can be of no doubt that it’ll be messy). Thanks for your problems this week; it gives me great satisfaction to help you all out. However, I am a busy lady so don’t take the piss (it’s hard enough to wee with an infected urethra as it is...) But if you’re desperate (ffnarr), then do email: problempage@gairrhydd.com. Lots of love from Amber - here for you! xxx PS I am currently looking for a hair-job accomplice. Any takers?
Eggman! Dear Amber, THIS IS A true story. I thought you might be able to help. Last weekend I became aware of a strong eggy smell in my bedroom. I had been slightly conscious of a similar smell before, but never one of this force and unpleasantness. I decided to tackle the problem by putting in a new refill for my air
freshener plug. I thought this would solve the matter. I was wrong - the pungent odour remained. Anyway, I decided to try to avoid spending much time in my room. So imagine my disgust when I noticed the smell again, but this time whilst in a shop, far from the eggy hellhouse that my room had become. I decided that my clothes, having been stored in my room, must have picked up the whiff from there. I quickly bought some Febreeze and applied it liberally to my clothes.
Suck er! Dear Amber, HELLO MY NAME is Lewis Davidson. I suck. Help me. Anon (ish). AMBER SAYS: Dear Lewis/Anon, Yeah, it’s hard being a loser. I mean, who would send me such an email? I am a very busy person and I don’t have time to listen to you whingeing at me via email, or in fact via anything unless it’s your mouth and it’s affixed to one of my nipples/my minge. I only logged into my email account to see if my DVD of Up the Bum in Nagasaki II: Gary’s Realisation was on its way to me from the depths of a sex shop in Amsterdam I used to frequent before I became banned from flying on any kind of aircraft due to the occasion of October the 18 2004 when I put a cactus up the pilot’s nose as he came into my mimsy and he lost control of the plane. Anyway, I digress. The point is that there is no point sending me emails which make neither a valid cry for help nor make me laugh (this, as you may have gathered, did neither). I have to go for my Hollywood wax in half an hour and I’m also booked in a the Genito-Urinary clinic at 4pm which doesn’t leave me much time
to do anything, so if you don’t mind, stop wasting my time as I’ve got syphilis to kill. I hope that this helps, and if it doesn’t then tough shit. Oh yeah, by the way, if you’re really called Lewis Davidson that’s an alright name - I can see it on the back of a non-porn porny film on late night channel five. Love from Amber xxx
The next shock came when my housemate commented on the smell when we were sat having lunch. This made me even more self-conscious. Then, this afternoon, in spite of the Febreeze soaking I had given my clothes, I was still breathing the eggy air. I struggle to concentrate on political thought reading at the best of times. But when, every few seconds, I found myself obsessively sniffing parts of my body for any signs of eggyness, it was close to
impossible, I can tell you. Especially when I found myself looking at every passing person, to see if they showed any signs of noticing an eggy smell in the air. I am now deeply concerned and more than a little paranoid. Can you help me? The D-Man
Old and Bold!
She recently started inviting a fellow over for dinner and a movie, and he picks her up from the retirement home and then drives her back. Do you think this means she is having sex? Please tell me no, I don’t want another mother.
Dear Amber, I HAVE DISCOVERED, when doing my Sylvie’s (my grandmother) laundry when I went home last weekend that she wears thong underwear! I am just freaking out! They are all lacy and silky. She has several varieties: red, black, seethrough and crotchless. She is 91 and she lives in a retirement home. I would say, (without being pervy, of course, because that is very wrong) she is good shape for her age: probably only a size twelve but with rather large boobs - well, she did have seven children!
Vested Interests EROTIC FICTION - PART #3
Cut out and keep!
CACTUS: I wouldn’t
As the Parson opened the vestry door to let Lucy out, he felt somehow not satisfied with the small amount of frottage they had just indulged in. “I feel somehow dissatisfied with that small amount of frottage,” he said to himself. Lucy began to wash her smock in the font, just washing at the place where his manhood had been resting not two minutes ago. The water made her smock become see-through, and at the sight of her small pink nipples like small pink flowers, his manhood grew large and powerful. He moved behind Lucy and carefully placed
AMBER SAYS: Dear D, I know what you mean about that egg smell. As soon as I opened
Love from Anne, Carbuncle Street. AMBER SAYS: Dear Anne, Well, it looks like you’ve answered your own question. I mean, if I were living with you and every night I went out with someone and was away for a few hours and came back and told you how I’d been for ‘dinner’ and to the ‘cinema’, you wouldn’t believe me, would you? You would know that his member between her thighs as she bent over the font. “Oh Parson,” she said, “What are you doing? Why have you got the church candle in your pocket?” “Lucy,” said the Parson, “ I think you haven’t been christened.” “Of course I have,” said Lucy. “The old vicar did it before you arrived in the village. Are you going to light that candle in your pocket, Parson?” “Yes, Lucy, I am. I think that the last vicar didn’t christen you properly - I must re-do it. I will light the ‘candle’.” As he said this he gently shoved his member between her clefts of bum and began to move backwards and forwards. “In the name of the father...” “Oh Parson, is this a real christening? Have you lit the candle?” “Oooooooohhhh!” said the Parson.
your email it wafted out of my computer. It’s fucking vile is what it is. It smells like Lisa Riley shitting out several out of date pickled eggs that she consumed in the corner shop after wanking over Razzle: 40 and Naughty. And she didn’t pay for it. The corner shop is not a library! Anyway, I digress. It is likely you have insulted the code of egg, and are now being haunted by a dead egg’s smell as punishment. Love from Amber xxx quite obviously I would have spent the time felching, giving irrumation, dogging and probably, if it was a good date, maybe give a hair job, wouldn’t you? So why is it any different for your granny? She has needs, you know. If it makes you upset to think about this, then imagine Cilla Black with her tongue up Barry Gibb’s bum while Peter Stringfellow, in a thong, bends over to watch. Hopefully that will upset you so much that your gran’s sex life will be small fry. By the way, good on you doing your granny’s laundry. Just ignore any suspicious white stains. Hope that this helps, Love from Amber xxx
“Yes,” said Lucy, “I thought you’d lit the candle; there’s wax dripping all down my leg.” © Amber Duval 2006 TO BE CONTINUED... MAKE SURE YOU GRAB NEXT WEEK’S COPY TO READ THE END OF THE SAGA...
Need help? Email Amber: problempage@gairrhydd.com
Science & Environment
Page 18
March 20 2006
science@gairrhydd.com
OIL SPILL IN ALASKA Oil pipeline bursts whilst Bush prospects for more reserves in the area
By Ceri Morgan Environment Editor
An Alaskan federal judge ordered Exxon to pay $6.75bn (£3.9bn) in damges in 2004. The captain of the vessel admitted in court to drinking vodka before boarding the vessel, but was acquitted of operating a ship while intoxicated. Accidents and leaks have periodically occurred along the pipeline that takes crude oil from Prudhoe Bay in the north across two mountain ranges to the port of Valdez on the shores of the North Pacific.
A
BURST PIPELINE in Alaska which went undetected for more than three days has caused the Arctic region’s worst ever oil spill. More than 250,000 gallons of crude oil spilled over an area used by migrating caribou herds. This adds strength to questions raised by environmentalists about the Bush administration’s plans for more oil exploration in Alaska. Initial estimates by BP put the spill at around 30,000 gallons. However Alaska’s Department of Environmental Conservation has put the latest estimate at 265,000 gallons of crude oil. “This historic oil spill is a catastrophe for the environment,” Natalie Brandon, of the Alaskan wilderness league said in a statement.
This is the largest spill of crude oil we have a record of “Tone-deaf politicians in Congress should now stop trying to push for more drilling through sneaky manouvres... The fact the oil spill occurred in a caribou crossing area in Prudhoe Bay is a painful reminder of the reality of unchecked oil and gas development across Alaska’s North Slope.” The spill covers about two acres of the snow-covered tundra in the sparse-
This is not the first time the region has experienced an oil disaster
PIPELINE: Big and long ly populated region on Alaska’s north coast. Officials say the source of the spill was internal corrosion in the pipeline. It remains unclear when the leak started. “I can confirm this is the largest spill of crude oil we have record of,” said Linda Giguere, from Alaska’s
state department of environmental conservation. The Alaska Wilderness League urged lawmakers to shelve a Republican-led project to allow drilling for oil in Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. They say oil exploration would endanger a pristine habitat for polar bears, migratory birds
and other animals. Supporters of drilling in Alaska say it offers an alternative source of energy to the Middle East, and therefore could improve national security. This is not the first time the region has experienced a massive oil disaster. Exactly 17 years ago this week, the Exxon Valdez tanker ran aground in Prince William Sound, near Anchorage, contaminating around 1,300 miles of coastline. The spill was responsible for the deaths of an estimated 250,000 seabirds, 2,800 sea otters, 300 seals, 250 bald eagles, up to 22 whales and an unspecified number of salmon and herring.
CARIBOU: Affected
In the 1970s saboteurs blew up a section of pipeline shortly after it opened, starting a major spillage. Then five years ago a hunter accidentally fired into the pipeline, causing $7m (£3.6m) dollars worth of damage. Recently the Bush administration has allowed petrochemical companies to prospect for oil and gas in an area covering 389,000 acres. Environmental groups responded by filing a federal lawsuit two weeks ago. In it they contend that the Department of the Interior has violated the Endangered Species Act and other laws, in an area known for its flocks of migratory geese. Many prominent energy analysts and Washington politicians also argue that the likely yield in unexplored areas of the North Slope is not large enough to justify the intrusion. However many Alaskan politicians are in favour of expanding exploration in the region as it could bring muchneeded jobs and other benefits to the local economy. The impending report on this lastest spill will no doubt influence any decisions concerning Alaska’s oil future.
Jobs & Money
Page 20
March 20 2006
jobs@gairrhydd.com
From the pub to the gym Recent surveys show a decline in the ‘steryotypical’ student lifestyle, Jobs asks, are students really more health conscious or simply too skint to drink? By Nicola Menage Jobs and Money Editor
T
he stereotypical student reputation as lazy, lager-swigging louts could soon be replaced by a healthier, teetotal image, according to a recent survey. Research undertaken by the National Union of Student Services showed that one in four students are now teetotal. It also showed higher numbers of students interested in sport and healthy eating. A major annual survey of student lifestyle also showed a sharp decline in the number of students going to the pub. This Unite survey, carried out by Mori, a market and public research agency, showed a 13 percentage point fall in students going to the pub as a leisure activity, compared with five years ago. According to the survey, the pub is now a minority activity, only one percent ahead of sport and exercise as a way of spending spare time. Nick Emms of NUS Services said that nowadays there is a clear trend
away from pub-going, something that has become “more pronounced in the past four or five years”. He argued that this trend was due to students becoming more “health conscious” and expecting a much wider range of social activities. A spokesperson from the University of London Union also commented: “The student population is more diverse and young people are used to a wider range of entertainments than drinking in pubs” The University of London Union’s weekly schedule of activities include ‘yoga sculpt,’ pilates, aerobikings and boxercise. President of Durham Student Union, Nick Pickles, also commented that there was a nationwide decline of drinks being sold across the bar. The question is whether this is a general change in youth culture or whether there are more practical reasons for why students are not drinking as much and are spending less time at the pub? Vice President for Welfare at the National Union of Students, Veronica
King believes the main cause of this decline is because of the issue students now have to face with regards to their finances. That is, they now have less money and less time. “When so much time is taken earning money, it adds to the pressure on
academic work, with leisure activities most likely to suffer.” She added: “You are more likely to find a student working behind a bar than drinking in front on one these days.” With the average pint costing £2.30
STUDENT COMMENTS “I have heard quite a few people say that they are going teetotal or are giving up alcohol for lent. But I don’t envisage a dramatic change because drinking is so much a part of the student culture. Why do you think student campaigners go out every night? They go because it is such an good way of targeting a majority of the student body.” “Of the students I have encountered who are cutting down on alcohol it is usually third-years who physically can’t fit in a night out due to work pressure.”
Rent or buy?
A
ccommodation costs can prove a significant problem for students, taking large chunks out of our treasured student loans each term. Whilst Cardiff remains a relatively cheap place to study, students from Universities in more expensive areas such as London often have to fork out over a hundred pounds a week for accommodation. Yet Bath Building society have proposed a solution to this problem, suggesting that students become landlords and rent out spare rooms to cover the cost of the mortgage. Under a new scheme undergraduates can take out 100 per cent mortgages on properties worth up to £250,000. The package is aimed at students in both Bath and Bristol, but could be expanded to other university cities. But student bosses said they were “initially sceptical” about the scheme. The University’s student union president, Tamara Johnson said: “with more and more students facing debt and with top-up fees being introduced in the autumn, we have concerns about the increased financial burden that a student could experience. It could distract students from their studies as they potentially pick up legal responsibilities as a landlord.” This story follows a rise in the number of students staying at home to study, re-confirming the
fact that accommodation costs may be proving too much for some students. According to the second Times Higher Educational Supplement (THES) and SODEXHO University Lifestyle Survey, eighteen percent of all students now live at home and some travel up to four hours a day to their chosen university. NUS Vice President Welfare Veronica King said: “We are not surprised more students are studying closer to home considering the huge expense of rent and bills on top of tuition fees and other basic living costs.” She is also concerned that this choice could affect students’ education, commenting: “Our concerns are that these students are choosing an institution which might not be suitable for their needs or aspirations just because it is close to home. They might even be forced to reconsider their preferred subject if it isn’t available at their local college or university. These students are often unable to take part in extra-curricular activities offered by the Students’ Union such as volunteering and clubs and societies. How are these students expected to learn the “soft skills” that graduate recruiters were bemoaning a few months ago when they are stuck on a train trying to get to a lecture? The Birmingham University Guild of Students has recently introduced a ‘home student’ officer, a topic which is expected to be discussed at this years NUS AGM.
and the cost of bar or club entry averaging four pounds, binge drinking and nights out can prove an expensive past time. Drinking three pints three times a week works out as over eighty pounds per month, pocket money many students could do with keeping pocketed.
“I decided to give up alcohol for a few weeks, purely to save money, and i did end up saving quite a bit - around £30 to £40 a week. I’m glad i did it because even though i do now drink when i go out, it got me out of the habit of drinking in the day time which has saved me quite a lot” HEALTHY OPTION: Or lack of proper clothes?
Award-Winning Television
March 20 - 26 2006
Page 21
tvgareth@coversblown.com
This Weeks Simons among the Simpletons: March 20th-26th
Amstell Standing Better than Mark ever did...
HOT
Sick Does anything quite beat the unmitigated euphoria experienced when ralphing your entire day’s nutrients into a toilet bowl after one too many XXXXs in Gassy Jacks? Isn’t it best when you can actually feel the mushy chunder rising up inside your throat? Mmm!
Soaps Emmerdale (ITV1 Weekdays) recently took top honours at the can’t-remember-can’t-be-botheredto-check Soap Awards. But why did it win this prestigious award? Firstly: no gangsters. Eastenders, with it’s implausible number of renegade Guy Ritchie offcuts is now so far up it’s miserable arse nobody can take it serious. Secondly: no stomach churning cuts between high tension and people spilling tea on their laps like in Coronation Street. There isn’t an implausible number of covenly old farts in the ‘Dale as there is in Weatherfield. Thirdly: no attractive people whatsoever. Admittedly the eye candy in Hollyoaks detracts from the fact the writers haven’t come up with a good idea since the show began, but do us a favour, I’ll take the uglyas-sin Dingles for dinner any day.
W
orst to best, best to worst. The beauty of television, especially unscripted television, as we all know, lies suggestively in it’s unpredictabiity. Never Mind the Buzzcocks (Monday BBC2 9pm) has never exactly been a yardstick of comedic genius. Hell, eight in every ten shows is a Mark Lamarr ‘look at me, ma, no talent!’ egofest, which is about as much fun as a Bengalese tiger pooing on your wedding cake. However, like King Canute discovered when he drowned in his own humilty and choking on sea salt and plankton, the tide sure can turn. Planted firmly in the same category as Peep Show, The Mighty Boosh, the Hollyoaks Omnibus, The Sin City poster, the Kanye West album and eight pack of Oranjeboom, Simon Amstell has long been a bastian of soopadoopa student hip-dom. Anyone currently going ‘bleh’? Amstell is the co-conspirator behind the epitome of scything hangover television Popworld, and he is great. If TV Desk inexplicably found ourselves actually on television we’d be a piss-poor version of him. But the comparisons would do. He’s sarcastic, arrogant, honest, and most importantly given the credentials of the average dunderhead who’s sat infront of him, intelligent to a humourously superior
Fudge Tunnel 36
degree. Brilliant. Sample Simon Amstell quote to the Arctic Monkeys: “My friend’s all think I’m cool because I say I like the Arctic Monkeys.” AM: “So what do you think of our music?” SA: “I think it’s crap.” So anyway, he’s going to be the guest host of Never Mind the Buzzcocks this week. Wahey! Plus, after the drivelling shambles that was Jonathan “Ross” Woss’s guest stint last week, the sarky indieboy-afro-ed wiseguy won’t just wipe the floor with the speechimpeded twat, he’ll hopefully
cement his potential in the light entertainment major leagues, and stop floundering on T-freaking-4. No news on the guests yet, but expect the usual drones of in-atnumber-32-in-the-charts Britpop pondscum, ditzy pop slags who ‘hilariously’ forget their own song lyrics, and desperately unfunny toilet circuit stand up comics who invariably make one rubbish gag about Duran Duran in the first round, which goes down like a lead balloon and then say nothing for the rest of the show. “Okay, so that’s half an hour out of seven days’ worth of entertainment, is that all you have to offer you lovely wonderful beautiful TV people?” Well if you’re asking, we’re dancing, yo check this out: From Monday right through to Friday (and presumably next week) Ch4 are repeating the first series of Green Wing in its entirety. Which is good if you missed it the first time, and also good if you watched it all anyway like we did, as the repeats are clearly gearing up for the TV debut of series two. Ooooh. Anyone who’s been to see the utterly shite remake of The Hills Have Eyes at the cinema might have caught the trailers for series two. Times vary for the repeats , but unlucky if you’ve only got S4C though, because they’re showing either football or rugby highlights every night this week at approximately the same time. Happy viewing! xxxxx
DVDS TO RENT/BUY In Goth We Trust One of the most underrated (not least by the networks which cancelled its ass after only one season) series ever to terrorise and generally confuse the world gets a longoverdue DVD release on Monday 20. The name might not mean anything to you beyond Marilyn Manson and Trent Reznor, but American Gothic was, and still is, one of the more inventive takes on the domestic drama premise. Taking a fairly dull theme of a father trying to regain his relationship with his son, and then turning the whole idea on it’s head, by adding nutcase subplots, a ludicrous premise about whether certain family members are the devil or not, and locating the whole show in a Twin Peaks-style American small town. It’s all very wierd, but utterly infectius and stars
a very young Lucas Black, of Jarhead and Friday Night Lights fame. Elsewhere, the new Harry Potter cash cow hits the shelves of your local DVD store. I think it’s Goblet of Fire this time around, but to be honest they’re all the same to me. Happy viewing! xxx
NOT
Footballers’ Wives Is it trashy television, or tongue-in-cheek postmodern take on trashy television, exploiting the tabloids by baiting cultural figures and double crossing the irony, by becoming trashy itself? Oh, the many debates! Does anyone actually give a damn? NO!
Film There’s far too much sport on this week, and thus the films are shunted off the schedules. Who wants to watch quality cinema when there’s table tennis on? Anyway, a film to look out for is the premiere of Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever (five 10pm) starring Antonio Banderas, which is somehow even more shit than its title.
Sport You’re spoilt for choice if you dig second-rate Olympians gunning to win tainted gold medals in boring sports. The BBC have nailed the whole event, so if you fancy watching Mountain Biking (Wed 11.30pm) or Hockey (Fri 11.40pm) Don’t forget to set you alarms for 5am on Monday morning for some early morning Bowls. It’s the Commonwealth!
Radio Radio 3’s Night Waves (Thursday 9.30pm) has got an exclusive interview with political economist Francis Fukuyama concerning his new book After The Neocons: America at the Crossroads. His surname sounds a bit like Fuck Your Mama. Meanwhile, back on planet serious Bob Harris Country (Radio 2 Thursday 7pm) has redneck bottle-smashing hick Corb Lund in the studio. Corb Lund is a hillbilly country superstar in the vain of Hank III, and to a lesser extent, Otis Lee Crenshaw, and promises good-time bar-brawl Country ‘n’ Western with an alternative twist. Yee-haw. Bob Harris Country, incidentally, sounds like a ‘zone’ in a theme park, doesn’t it?
Monday
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March 20 - 26 2006
em@il.com
ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977
11:45pm Lady Chatterley's Lover Boromir in Jodpurs 12:30am Kenneth Williams Fantabulosa! 1:50am Kenneth Williams in his Own Words 2:20am Celtic Connections 3:20am BBC Proms 2005 7:00pm The Sky at Night 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Indian Independence: Days That Shook the World 9:00pm The Chatterley Affair 10:30pm Under the Spotlight 11:10pm Charlie Brooker's Screen Wipe 11:40pm Ten Commandments Number one: do not mosh at Fun Factory to the Smiths. 12:35am The Chatterley Affair 2:05am Charlie Brooker's Screen Wipe 2:35am Under the Spotlight 3:15am The Sky at Night I’d like to take this moment to introduce myself, I’m TV Ellen, your new and friendly TV listings person. I enjoy walks in the country, kittens in mittens or a variety of knitwear (I’m not fussed) and when people I don’t like walk into lampposts. And watching you sleep. Licking your face a little.
Honk
Toot
E M I T
6:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 7:00am The Games: Live from the Athletes' Village 1:00pm Switched 1:30pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 2:25pm The Games: Live 3:30pm The Games: Live at the Heats 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:35pm Friends 6:05pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 10:00pm The Games: Inside Track 10:30pm The Games: Live from the Athletes' Village 10:30pm The Games: Live from the Athletes' Village 12:30am Conan the Barbarian 2:55am Smallville: Superman the Early Years 3:35am Queer as Folk 4:20am Switched 4:45am Fool Around... with the Cheeky Girls Take them out back, get a magnum. Put them out of their misery
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6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am Faireez 7:30am Cardcaptors 7:55am Sonic Underground Sonic the hedgehog infiltrates the Italian mafia 8:30am Babar 8:55am Fun Song Factory 9:00am Time to Dance 9:10am Teleshopping 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am Emmerdale 10:55am Sally Jessy Raphael 11:40am Judge Judy 12:30pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Coronation Street 2:00pm Emmerdale 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Ricki Lake Show 3:50pm The Montel Williams Show 4:40pm The Oprah Winfrey Show 5:35pm Judge Judy 6:50pm Ask a Silly Question 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm Coronation Street Secrets: Weddings 8:30pm Airline USA 9:00pm Love in a Foreign Climate 10:00pm Rules of Engagement 12:25am Coronation Street 12:55am Coronation Street 1:25am Play Sudoku 4:00am Teleshopping
6:00am Old Bear Stories 6:10am Aussie Antics 6:15am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:40am Hi-5 7:15am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:25am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:35am Make Way for Noddy 7:50am Say It with Noddy 7:55am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:10am Peppa Pig 8:15am Bird Bath 8:30am Titch 8:40am The Clangers 8:50am Franny's Feet 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00pm Home and Away 12:30pm BrainTeaser Why is Family Guy so good and American Dad so pants. 1:40pm Star Trek: Voyager 2:40pm Star Trek: Voyager 3:35pm five news update 3:40pm The Pilot's Wife Is blatently shagging the gardener 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men Insert family guy joke. 7:00pm five news 7:15pm The Gadget Show 8:00pm The Child Who's Older than Her Grandmother: Extraordinary People I tried to work out how this is possible. My brain exploded. 9:00pm The Seven Year Old Surgeon: Extraordinary People when I was seven I was still sucking my thumb. And he’s a surgeon. Cunt. 10:00pm Prison Break 11:00pm Mafia 12:00am Dark Angel 12:55am NASCAR NEXTEL Cup: UAW Daimler Chrysler Cup 400 1:45am USPGA Golf 2:35am Boxing Classic Gandhi Vs Hitler3:20am NBA Action 3:50am Motorsport Mundial 4:30am Football Argentina
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6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Just Shoot Me 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am 3 Minute Wonder My last boyfriend 9:25am Water Stories 9:30am The Unteachables 10:20am Let's Talk Sex No, my last boyfriend would say. Lets talk about Keroac and Bowie instead.11:10am Going Cold Turkey 12:00pm News at Noon 12:30pm 3 Minute Wonder “Twice in one day, are you mad” my last boyfriend would say. 12:35pm ER 1:25pm This Happy Breed Pygmys on Prozac 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm Richard and Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: Last Orders 8:00pm Dispatches 9:00pm The Games: Live 10:00pm ER 11:05pm Green Wing New series, how excited am I! 12:10am Ghost Squad Kurt Cobain, Elvis Presley and The Ghost of Christmas Past investigate a murder in downtown Brooklyn. 1:10am Coming Up: Re-ignited 1:40am World Cup Skiing 3:30am Freesports on 4 4:00am Maths Mansion 4:10am Maths Mansion 4:20am Maths Mansion 4:30am Maths Mansion A mansion full of prime numbers recreate Battle Royale. I’m very hungry. 4:40am Maths Mansion 4:50am Maths MansionYou can’t divide 85 by 7! Your necklace is beeping! NOOO 5:00am Tackling Technology 5:15am Tackling Technology 5:30am Ancient Egypt 5:45am King Jamie and the Angel 6:00am The Cubeez
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6:00am GMTV News Hour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30pm ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30pm Loose Women women talk about their lives post pregnancy 2:30pm Agatha Christie's Poirot 3:30pm Pocoyo 3:40pm Blips 3:50pm Rugrats 4:00pm Atomic Betty 4:10pm Bernard 4:25pm My Parents Are Aliens I think the dad in this is strangely erotic. My friend saw him smoking a spliff at Glastonbury. Wish he was my dad. 5:00pm The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm Wales This Week 8:30pm Coronation Street 9:00pm The Best Man Conor Oberst 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Supernatural 12:00am Champions League Weekly 12:30am Tonight with Trevor McDonald 1:00am Quizmania 3:15am Have I Been Here Before? People with Amnesia are taken to childhood locations. 3:40am House Price Challenge 4:10am I Want That House 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News Things I like this week: Invader Zim. Hanniball! the Musical. Joaquin Phoniex. Things I hate this week: Fearne Britten and her early morning prozac smile, she is about as much a rock chick as I am a virgin. Also I hate the Duke of Edinburgh Award and all those who do it. I hate you and all that you stand for, you fresh air loving scout bothering weirdos.
five 7.50am
PRIME-
STUDENT SAVER
12:00am Honey We're Killing the Kids 12:55am Wedding Stories 1:55am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 2:25am Ideal 2:55am Anthea Turner: the Perfect Housewife Anthea does her bit to set feminism back 50 years. 7:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron Tanya loves it in the face 8:00pm Little Shopping Horrors! 9:00pm Dog Borstal 10:00pm Two Pints Outtakes 10:30pm Little Britain is no longer FUNNY. Its all about the Mighty Boosh 11:00pm Snuff Box 11:30pm Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 12:00am Cubby Couch 12:30am Dog Borstal 1:25am Paparazzi 2:25am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 2:55am Wedding Stories The true story of a man who wanted to marry a goat to prove to the world that there’s commitment in bestiality. I kid you not. It was reported in world news the other week.
6:00am Breakfast National toll booth worker remberance day. 9:00am CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays:Big Cook Little Cook 9:25am Postman Pat 9:40am Little Robots 9:50am Tweenies 10:15am Something Special 10:30am BBC Primary Geography 10:40am BBC Primary Geography 11:00am Look and Read 11:20am Look and Read 11:40am Look and Read 12:00pm The Daily Politics 12:30pm Working Lunch 1:00pm Commonwealth Games 2006 3:00pm Through the Keyhole 3:30pm Escape to the Country 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Flog It! 7:00pm Around the World in 80 Treasures 7:30pm Commonwealth Games 2006: Games Today 9:00pm Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9:30pm Man Stroke Woman Peter Burns. Just his face for half an hour. 10:00pm The Office 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm 50 Cent: Money Machine I threw a coke bottle at this man at Reading. So far the highlight of my life. My life has been shallow. 11:50pm Gypsy Wars 12:50am Dear Television a drama series about a girl whose television strokes her face whilst she’s sleeping. I apparently have a thing about manipulating peoples faces whilst they sleep. 1:00am BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel:France Inside Out 3:30am Work Talk: France 4:30am Eurografters: France 5:00am Le Francais au Pluriel Alright it was a documentary series about how I used to stroke peoples faces when they were sleeping. And blame it on their televisions.
five 3.40pm
Say It With Noddy
PRIMETIME
7:00am Commonwealth Games 2006: Games Report 7:50am Commonwealth Games 2006 12:30pm Commonwealth Games 2006: Games Report 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours Zeke reveals the secret of his silence. Katya questions Karl's motives where Susan is concerned. Stingray takes positive action. 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Monk 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm ChuckleVision 3:45pm Pitt and Kantrop 4:05pm What's New Scooby-Doo? Scooby realises that shaggy has been putting rohypnol in his scooby snacks. 4:30pm Grange Hill 4:55pm Blue Peter 5:25pm Newsround Extra 5:35pm Neighbours You know you’re gonna sit around in your underwear watching the repeat, lamenting the loss of your innocence when you heard how babies were made. From your parents. After you caught them. I’ll stop. 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm Open All Hours 7:30pm Real Story with Fiona Bruce. Fiona investigates whether those toll bridge people at the Severn Bridge have toilets in there booths. Seriously i need to know. Where do they pee? 8:00pm Match of the Day Live: FA Cup Quarter-Final 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Scrum 4 11:15pm Commonwealth Games 2006 They just dont go. They have been medically altered so they dont need to wee for five hours at a time. And then they eventually explode.
The Pilot’s Wife
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PRIMETIME
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6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Just Shoot Me 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am Water Stories 9:30am The Unteachables 10:20am Let's Talk Sex 11:10am Going Cold Turkey 12:00pm News at Noon 12:30pm Planed Plant Bach:Triongl 12:45pm Planed Plant Bach:Gel a FFion 1:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Rala Rwdins 1:15pm Frasier 1:40pm Deal or No Deal 2:25pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Planed Plant (4.005.00):Ceidwad Y Ddraig 4:25pm Rygbi 100 Per Cent 4:50pm Ffeil 5:00pm Richard and Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Rownd a Rownd 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Ffermio 9:00pm Cefn Gwlad 9:30pm Y Clwb Rygbi 10:00pm Sgorio 11:05pm The Games: Live 12:05am Invasion 1:05am Dispatches 2:05am Next Friday 4:00am Maths Mansion 4:10am Maths Mansion
Tuesday
March 20 - 26 2006
Page 23
shit@.tvpagesthisweek.com
My Place in the Sun
BBC2 9pm
Ch4 12.30pm
PRIMETIME
19.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 20.00 Little Shopping Horrors! 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Two Pints Outtakes 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Ideal 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 The Smoking Room 24.00 Twisted Tales 24.30 BBC Three New Film Makers Awards 2005 01.00 Torn Remember Natalie Imbruglia? Where’s she got to then? She’s a bit like Lloyd Grossman in that she’s strangely disappeared (although I have noticed his face is on jars of sauce in the supermarket so I’m hoping he’s still alive (or maybe he’s in the sauce, eewww), but I feel more people are likely to be lamenting the loss of Lloyd rather than Natalie to be honest. 01.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.00 Two Pints Outtakes 02.30 Ideal 03.00 The Smoking Room 03.30 Twisted Tales 04.00 Close My apologies if there’s a big bit of sports babbble in the listings today but TV Gareth left them and I thought perhaps we were trying to cater for the *
19.00 Counter Culture 19.30 Counter Culture 20.00 The World 20.30 Thoroughly Modern Antiques 21.00 Time right now it is 12.34 in the afternoon and I’m still in my pyjamas doing TV listings and I’m thinking about food but I know I don’t really have any and this seems to be somewhat of a problem. 22.00 Our Brand Is Crisis 23.30 Ten Commandments Don’t eat blue food. No natural food is blue. At least I think so, but I may be wrong.I know Smarties are blue and they’re not natural. Don’t smoke in petrol stations, veeerrrry dangerous (but why can’t you use your mobile in petrol stations? I don’t get that, it’s not like they give out highly flammable rays or anything, do they?). 24.25 Thoroughly Modern Antiques How does that work? I don’t get it. 24.55 Time 01.55 Counter Culture 02.25 Counter Culture 02.55 Ready Meals: Britain in a Box I think the most tasty parts of Britain would have to be Cheddar gorge, as I love cheese and... what? What do you love Jane?
Ch4 2.50am
6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Sabrina 7:30am Transformers Energon 8:00am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:30am Mummies Alive 9:00am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Airline 2:00pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Ricki Lake Show 3:50pm The Montel Williams Show 4:40pm The Oprah Winfrey Show 5:35pm Judge Judy 6:50pm Movies Now 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm Surface 9:00pm Another 48 HRS 10:55pm Harry Hill's TV Burp 11:25pm Another 48 HRS 1:20am Orange Playlist 1:45am Dare 4:00am Teleshopping
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation five 9pm
6:00am The Cubeez 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Just Shoot Me 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am 3 Minute Wonder 9:25am Water Stories 9:30am The Unteachables 10:20am Let's Talk Sex 11:10am Going Cold Turkey 11:35am Going Cold Turkey 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am My Place in the Sun 12:55am ER 1:45pm Went the Day Well? 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm Richard and Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: Last Orders 8:00pm You Are What You Eat 8:30pm It's Me or the Dog 9:00pm The Games: Live 10:00pm No Angels 11:05pm Green Wing 12:10pm 888.com Poker Nations Cup 1:40am ER 2:25am Coming Up: Money Can Buy You Love 2:50am A Changed Man 3:15am Countdown 4:00am All About Us 4:15am All About Us 4:30am All About Us 4:45am All About Us 5:00am All About Us 5:15am Say What You Think 5:30am The Time of My Life 5:45am The Time of My Life Well, you can bet your bottom dollar that it isn’t right now buster. I had more fun pulling the lump of congealed shampoo and matted hair out of the plughole this morning. It was fun. Listings are literally gay.
PRIMETIME
6:00 GMTV 7:00 GMTV Today 8:35 LK Today 9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show You Walked Out On My Baby Sons - Two Decades Later Can They Forgive Me? 10:30 This Morning 12:30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30 Loose Women 2:30 Agatha Christie's Poirot Yellow Iris 3:30 Pocoyo Let's Go Camping 3:40 Blips Builder 3:50 Rugrats The Dog Broomer 4:05 Prove It 4:25 My Parents are Aliens Secrets and Lies 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 Wales Tonight 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 The Ferret 8:00 Celebrity Fit Club 9:00 The Best Man 10:30 ITV News 11:00 Wilson 0:00 Quizmania 4:00 Mum's on Strike 4:35 I Want That House Revisited 5:00 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News I was watching ‘Cribs’ the other day, classic time-wasting TV, and I observed that for some strange reason all the American celebrities (or not as some of them I’ve never heard of)don’t have anything in their fridges other than water, Coke and loads of different sauces. But there’s no food for them to put them on…spooky. They always have at least two living rooms, one of which they don’t use, ditto for the dining room, a bar and either a pool or some other sportsrelated area. Oh and on average, 3 cars. So you don’t need to watch it now do you? RIGHT. TV Grace here. This isn’t my page, it’s TV Jane’s. She’s not here so I’m free to prostitute myself all over the darn TV pages. And I will, you punks. Oh yes. Yes I will. On a seperate point, whatever happened to Eagle-Eye Cherry?
PRIMETIM
6:00am: Breakfast 9:00 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Big Cook Little Cook 9:25 Postman Pat 9:40 Little Robots 9:50 Tweenies 10:15 Something Special 10:30 Around Scotland There are hills and grass and lakes and snow and coldness, or so I believe from the pictures as I have never been, poor TV Jane. 10:50 Science Clips 11:00 Science Clips 11:10 Science Clips 11:20 Trade Secrets 11:30 What the Stuarts Did for Us 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch. The latest business, consumer and workplace news from across the country 1:00 Commonwealth Games 2006 3:00 Through the Keyhole 3:30 Escape to the Country 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Flog It! 7:00 The Good Life. The Early Birds 7:30 Commonwealth Games 2006: Games Today 9:00 Jimmy's Farm 10:00 Thin Ice 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 The Apprentice 12:25am: Sign Zone: Boris Johnson and the Dream of Rome Boris dresses up as a gladiator and battles it out with fellow MPs like a real man should rather than all this wearing a suit business and sitting in a room with green seats (as good old Chantelle would call it), that’s just boring, no wonder us kids aren’t so keen on politics these days. 1:25 Sign Zone: Hairy Bikers' Cookbook if you’re a hairy biker all you eat is fry-ups surely and drink lots of tea? It can’t take a whole book to explain fry-ups and tea can it? Then again, this may be rather useful. 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision English 2 4:00 Key Stage 3
PRIME-
7:00am: Commonwealth Games 2006: Games Report 7:40 Commonwealth Games 2006 Digital Widescreen) 7.40 Athletics/Swimming.11.45 Boxing 12:30pm: Commonwealth Games 2006: Games Report 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Harold takes his tormenting of Paul to new levels. Dylan's business venture gets off to a bumpy start. Will Ned save Elle from public humiliation, we hope not as this would destroy our viewing of her public humiliation, which I would imagine to be extremely satisfying. I don’t know what the public humiliation is by the way, so if she ends up being battered by people throwing stones and calling her a whore don’t think I’d enjoy that, because that’s not very nice. 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Monk. Mr Monk and the Missing Granny 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: ChuckleVision 3:40 Pitt and Kantrop 4:05 What's New Scooby Doo? 4:30 Grange Hill 5:00 Serious Amazon Diaries 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Watchdog 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Holby City 9:00 Whistleblower The spin-off of Hornblower has suffered a dramatic fall in ratings 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Rail Cops 11:05 Commonwealth Games 2006 11.05 Athletics 2.45 Diving 3.15Bowls/Basketball/Boxing. 5.00 Hockey 6.30 Weightlifting
A Changed Man
6:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 7:00am The Games: Live from the Athletes' Village 1:00pm Switched 1:30pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 2:25pm The Games: Live 3:30pm The Games: Live at the Heats 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:35pm Friends 6:05pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm The OC 10:00pm The Games: Inside Track 10:30pm The Games: Live from the Athletes' Village 11:00pm No Angels 12:05pm The Games: Live from the Athletes' Village 12:35pm Peep Show 1:05am The OC 2:00am The Games: Inside Track 2:30am Point Pleasant 3:15am Peep Show
6:00am Old Bear Stories 6:10am Aussie Antics 6:15am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:40am Hi-5 7:15am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:25am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:35am Make Way for Noddy 7:50am Say It with Noddy 7:55am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:10am Peppa Pig 8:15am Bird Bath 8:30am Titch 8:40am The Clangers 8:50am Franny's Feet 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:40pm Star Trek: Voyager 2:35pm Star Trek: Voyager 3:30pm five news update 3:40pm The End of Eden 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Brian Sewell's Grand Tour 8:00pm Build a New Life in the Country 9:00pm CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 10:00pm CSI: Miami 11:00pm Prison Break 12:00pm Dark Angel 12:55pm NBA Basketball 3:30am Football Argentina Highlights 4:20am Portuguese Football Continued from BBC3: the sporty types amongst the readers, why we would want to do that I really don’t know as we don’t attempt to cater for the rest of you really so why should the sporty people be spoilt? Here here Jane. Sport makes you sweat. Sweat smells. Fact.
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6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Just Shoot Me 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am 3 Minute Wonder 9:05am Ysgolion (Schools) (9.30-12.00):Life Stuff: From the Top 9:30am The Unteachables 10:20am Let's Talk Sex 11:10am Going Cold Turkey 11:35am Campyfan 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach:Triongl 12:45am Planed Plant Bach:Tomos A'i Ffrindiau 12:50am Planed Plant Bach:Sali Mali 1:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Pei Pwmpen 1:15pm Checking Into History 1:30pm Supernanny US 2:25pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Planed Plant:Sion Neu Sian 4:15pm Planed Plant:Ofn O'r Oes a Fu 4:30pm Planed Plant:Campyfan 4:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil
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Wednesday
Page 24
March 20 - 26 2006
voteTVDesk@apathy.meh
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19.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 20.00 Little Shopping Horrors! 21.00 Trauma Uncut 21.30 Desperate Midwives The other day I saw this and a woman gave birth to a stillborn baby and the midwife just said ‘gutted mate’, and that was it. It was awesome. This didn’t really happen, but it would be pretty great TV if it did. 22.00 The Apprentice: You're Fired The winner of this gets a job which pays a wage of about £100,000 a year, which gives us all hope seeing as they’re all a bunch of complete mongs who just remembered more than I did at GCSE Business Studies. 22.30 Film: "American Psycho" The frankly cack film of Brett Easton Ellis’ frankly awesome novel. Kind of misses the point when it glossily skips the whole ‘Cheeseandrat upavagina’ scene. 24.10 Conflicts 24.40 BBC Three New Film Makers Awards 2005 01.10 Dog Borstal 02.05 Wedding Stories 03.05 The Trouble with Gay Men For me the main problem is the whole bumming thing. 04.05 Close
19.00 Time 20.00 The World 20.30 Michelangelo: Closer to the Master 21.00 Tory! Tory! Tory! 22.00 Our Friends in the North Presented by TV Willy and that new northern guy from Eastenders, tackling the issues important to Northerners, such as whippets and gravy. That’s only the beginning of the TV Gareth/ Jimmy Saville/ Worzel Gummidge backlash Will. Watch your Northern Back. 23.15 The Alan Clark Diaries 23.45 The Alan Clark Diaries 24.15 Tory! Tory! Tory! Oi! Oi! Oi! 01.20 Michelangelo: Closer to the Master I don’t think Michaelangelo has ever been that close to the master because our lives never overlapped. 01.50 Illuminations: Treasures of the Middle Ages Mositurising cream and Best Of Compilatons I’d imagne. 02.20 The Alan Clark Diaries 02.50 The Alan Clark Diaries 03.20 Tory! Tory! Tory! Tory-mania this evening it would seem. Good to see they’ve tucked it away on BBC4 though; where Television programmes come to die. 04.20 Close
6:00 GMTV2 9:25 Coronation Street 9:55 Emmerdale 10:25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10 Judge Judy 12:30 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30 Airline 2:00 Coronation Street 2:30 Emmerdale 3:00 The Ricki Lake Show 3:50 The Montel Williams Show 4:40 The Oprah Winfrey Show 5:35 Judge Judy 6:50 Pop the Question 7:00 Married with Children. One Down, Two to Go 7:30 Spin City. The Kidney's All Right. Make sure you too give your kidney some praise every now and then, but unlike this silly fool, praise them both equally, or one may fail. Do the same for your livers, never underestimate the power of a vital organ. 8:00 Nanny 911 8:50 Movies Now 9:00 Poor Little Rich Girls 10:00 Coronation Street Word on the street is ‘Tricky Dicky’ Hillman is on his way back. I heard it from Les Battersby. 10:30 Footballers' Wives 11:35 Supersize Surgery 0:05 The Ricki Lake Show 0:55 Married with Children. One Down, Two to Go 1:20 Dare 4:00 Teleshopping
6:00 E4 Music: Uninterrupted 7:00 The Games: Live From The Athletes' Village 1:00 Switched 1:30 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Sacred 2:25 The Games: Live 3:30 The Games: Live At The Heats 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One At The Beach 5:35 Friends: The One With The Jellyfish 6:05 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Sacred 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends: The One At The Beach 8:30 Friends: The One With The Jellyfish 9:00 Invasion: Redemption 10:00 The Games: Inside Track 10:30 The Games: Live From The Athletes' Village 11:00 Desperate Housewives: One More Kiss 12:00 The Games: Live From The Athletes' Village 12:30 Hollyoaks Let Loose 1:35 The Next Joe Millionaire 2:30 The Games: Inside Track 2:55 Switched 3:15 Switched 3:35 The Next Joe Millionaire 4:20 Switched 4:40 Switched 5:00 Fool Around... With My Girlfriend’s Aunt’s Dog’s Drinking Bowl Because you just know that some mong would.
06.00 Old Bear Stories 06.10 Aussie Antics 06.15 Bear in the Big Blue House 06.40 Hi-5 07.15 Roobarb and Custard Too 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.35 Make Way for Noddy 07.50 Say It With Noddy 07.55 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.10 Peppa Pig 08.15 Bird Bath 08.30 Titch 08.40 The Clangers All you ever hear is clang-clang-fucking-clang. Have to admire the services to helping out TV Desk that the Five early morning team provide though, what with cramming in fourteen different programs with reasonably long titles, before 9 o clock. Whereas the BBC give us bollocks like three hours of ‘breakfast’. I want stuff like Franny’s Feet. Which is convenient what with... 08.50 Franny's Feet being up next. 09.00 The Wright Stuff One day I might try to join every TV program to create the illusion of there being one long story going on. However for the time being I’ll make way for... 10.30 Trisha Goddard and just type some more balls. 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.40 Star Trek: Voyager 14.35 Star Trek: Voyager 15.30 five news update 15.40 Film: "Vanished without a Trace" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Two and a Half Men 19.00 five news 19.15 Movie Lounge 20.00 Film: "Charlie's Angels" 22.00 Film: "Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever" 23.45 Dumber and Dumberest 24.15 Poker Night If you’re lucky Yeehaa. 01.45 NHL Ice Hockey 04.15 Ironman Triathlon 05.05 Boxing Classic
PRIMETIME
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6:00 Cubeez: Hop, Skip & Jump 6:10 The Hoobs: Hang Ups 6:35 The Hoobs: Swinging 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends: The One Where Paul's The Man 8:00 Just Shoot Me: Guess Who's Coming To Blush 8:25 Will & Grace: Crouching Father, Hidden Husband 8:50 Frasier: Dinner Party 9:20 3 Minute Wonder: Squat Street 9:25 Water Stories 9:30 The Unteachables 10:20 Let's Talk Sex 11:10 Going Cold Turkey 11:35 Going Cold Turkey 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 My Place In The Sun 1:05 Er: An Intern's Guide To The Galaxy 2:00 The Spy In Black 3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons: Bart Gets An Elephant An elephant? Crazy. Slowly but surely I am showing my housemates that The Simpsons isn’t really that good anymore, primarily by, every time they laugh, doing a stupid sarcastic guffaw and getting them to associate their hatred of me, with The Simpsons. Like the same way Fun Factory got me to hate the whole of the Human Race through association. 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder: Last Orders: The Narrowboat Coffin 8:00 Relocation, Relocation 9:00 The Games: Live 10:00 Desperate Housewives: Coming Home 11:05 Coldplay: Video Exclusive 11:10 Green Wing 12:15 The Ghost Squad: Hardcore 1:20 Coming Up: Fierce 1:45 World Cup Skiing 3:40 Er: Time Of Death 4:25 Er: White Guy, Dark Hair 5:15 Countdown 6:00 Close
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6:00 GMTV 7:00 GMTV Today 8:35 LK Today9:25 The Jeremy Kyle Show. I Won't Let My Son Come Between Us 10:30 This Morning 12:25 Budget 2006 - An ITV News Special 2:00 Loose Women 2:30 Agatha Christie's Poirot Case of the Missing Will 3:30 Pocoyo. The Key to It All. Well whoever gave Pocoyo a skeleton key really wasn’t thinking were they? He’s got a duck and a dog and his best mate is an elephant, most kids would be happy with that. But oh no, the little Spanish bastard needs the key. I didn’t get house keys until I went to senior school and here he is with a key to ‘IT ALL’!!3:40 Blips Hiker 3:50 Rugrats Aunt Miriam 4:00 Art Attack 4:25 My Parents are Aliens Just My Luck 5:00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00 Wales Tonight 6:30 ITV Evening News; Weather 6:50 Budget Broadcast by the Chancellor of the Exchequer Here’s hoping for a scarf-indoors-tax. 7:00 Emmerdale 7:30 Coronation Street 8:00 The Bill 9:00 Taggart Law 10:30 ITV News 11:00 Never to be Forgotten 11:30 Screen Gems 0:05 Sure Fans United What do these programs mean? I realise that me asking this doesn’t put you in a great position, as it’s supposed to be my ‘job’ to inform you of what’s on TV. This is the first time I have properly realised this. I feel like I have been letting you down. Just like you let me down everytime you buy a CD. 0:30 Quizmania 4:05 The Jeremy Kyle Show 5:00 ITV Nightscreen 5:30 ITV Early Morning News
BBC4 7pm
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6:00am: Breakfast 9:00 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Big Cook Little Cook 9:25 Postman Pat 9:40 Little Robots 9:50 Tweenies 10:15 Something Special 10:30 FILM: Guns of Hate I know what love guns are, they’re penises obviously. But what, in that case, are Guns of Hate? Let’s ask imdb... “TRIPLE-TROUBLE For Fighting Tim! - Framed for murder! Hunted by killers! - A desperate girl's gun in his back!”. When the fuck did imdb get ADD? 11:30 The Budget 2:30pm: Lifeline 2:45 How I Made My Property Fortune 3:00 Through the Keyhole 3:30 Escape to the Country 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Flog It! 7:00 The Culture Show Culture y’say? Seems like an excuse for a list of music to me. This weeks playlist: Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, Los Campefuckingsinos, SleaterKinney, some more Bikini Kill and ‘Almost Crimes’ and ‘7/4 (Shoreline)’ by Broken Social Scene over and over again. 7:30 Commonwealth Games 2006: Games Today The League Cup of athletics. 9:00 The Apprentice 10:00 The Armstrongs 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Budget Statement by the Chancellor 11:25 Desi DNA That sounds great, I think I’ll watch it. Very poor BBC, very poor. I expect better. 11:55 The Apprentice: You're Fired 12:30am: Sign Zone: Pets Are People 1:00 Sign Zone: Tales from the Palaces 1:30 Sign Zone: A Passion for Churches 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision: Science 2 4:00 A Picture of Britain 5:00 Coast
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7:00am: Commonwealth Games 2006: Games Report 7:25 Commonwealth Games 2006 7.30 Heptathlon javelin 7.35 Women's 200m round 2 8.15 Men's high jump final 8.20 Men's 200m round 2 8.48 Men's long jump final 8.55 Women's 3,000m 9.15 Women's shot final 9.20 Heptathlon 800m 9.38 Men's 800m semis 10.10 Men's 400m final 10.20 Diving 11.15 Boxing quarter-finals 12:30pm: Commonwealth Games 2006: Games Report 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Paul is crippled by anxiety. Harold fears the man he's become. Lyn denies her principles to work for Paul 2:05 Commonwealth Games 2006 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: ChuckleVision 3:40 Pitt and Kantrop 4:05 What's New Scooby-Doo? 4:30 Grange Hill 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Disaster Masters 7:30 Child of Our Time: the Children's Stories 8:00 Match of the Day Live: FA Cup Quarter-Final. Chelsea v Newcastle. TV Gareth predicts: 3-0 Chelsea. 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35 Budget Broadcast by the Chancellor of the Exchequer 10:40 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:45 One Foot in the Grave 11:15 C’wealth Games 2006 11.30 Mountain Biking/Women's Hockey 2.00 Boxing 3.00 Boxing/Mountain Biking 5.45 Badminton/Bowls/Table Tennis
Let’s Talk Sex
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6:00 E4 Music: Uninterrupted 7:00 The Games: Live From The Athletes' Village 1:00 Switched 1:30 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Sacred 2:25 The Games: Live 3:30 The Games: Live At The Heats 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One At The Beach 5:35 Friends: The One With The Jellyfish 6:05 Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Sacred 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends: The One At The Beach 8:30 Friends: The One With The Jellyfish 9:00 Invasion: Redemption 10:00 The Games: Inside Track 10:30 The Games: Live From The Athletes' Village 11:00 Desperate Housewives: One More Kiss 12:00 The Games: Live From The Athletes' Village 12:30 Hollyoaks Let Loose 1:35 The Next Joe Millionaire 2:30 The Games: Inside Track 2:55 Switched 3:15 Switched 3:35 The Next Joe Millionaire 4:20 Switched 4:40 Switched 5:00 Fool Around... With My Girlfriend’s Aunt’s Dog’s Drinking Bowl Ever get that strange feeling of deja vu?
Thursday
March 20 - 26 2006
Page 25
stevensegal@stillfunnythisweek.com
8:00pm Anthea Turner: the Perfect Housewife 9:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm The Real Hustle 11:00pm Kick Ass Miracles 11:30pm Dog Borstal 12:25pm BBC Three New Film Makers Awards 2005 Barry Chunk, with his film Baden Powell ate My Leg is up against Tony Truckerby-Funk, who directed his first film Breschnev Bunk Party! late last year. Both excellent. 12:55pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 1:50am Anthea Turner: the Perfect Housewife 2:50am I Love Being Mad Is this “mad” in the “oh wow I’m so wacky Big Brother audition “mad” or the “I’ve just told my friends to fuck off and i’m going to sit in my room listening to Vera Lynn records and glue my wrists together and then sniff the glue and then rearrange my underwear into chronological order and then eat babies and then jump headfirst into a cactus “mad”. If it’s the latter, then I like being mad too. If it’s the former, then fuck you.
7:00pm Sounds of the Sixties 7:10pm The Avengers 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Baker Street Babylon: The Bizarre Afterlife of Sherlock Holmes Either this is a fun sounding drama serial about Shezzer Holmes checking into the great Victorian London in the sky, and solving otherworldly crime capers; or it’ll be some megamegawank dull-arse documentary about what happened to something boring Arthur Conan-Doyle did after he died. Since this is BBC4... 9:00pm Time Shift:Apes in Hollywood 9:40pm Hollywood UK 10:30pm QI 11:00pm The Mark Steel Lecture 11:30pm Ten Commandments 12:30pm Ten Commandments 1:30am Baker Street Babylon: The Bizarre Afterlife of Sherlock Holmes 2:00am Time Shift:Apes in Hollywood King Kong, Dunston Checks In, Bigfoot and the Hendersons, Planets of the Apes, Every Which Way But Loose, Billy Ray Cyrus 2:40am The Mark Steel Lecture
6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Sabrina 7:30am Transformers Energon 8:00am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:30am Mummies Alive 9:00am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Airline 2:00pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Ricki Lake Show 3:50pm The Montel Williams Show 4:40pm The Oprah Winfrey Show 5:35pm Judge Judy 6:50pm Ask a Silly Question 7:00pm Celebrity Fit Club 8:00pm My Teen's a Nightmare - I'm Moving Out 9:00pm Real Crime: Kenny Noye - A Face from the Past 10:00pm Celebrity Surgery Who's Had What Done? 10:30pm Footballers' Wives Extra Time 11:15pm Supernatural
Sounds of the Sixties
BBC3 7pm
6:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 7:00am The Games: Live from the Athletes' Village 1:00pm Switched 1:30pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 2:25pm The Games: Live 3:30pm The Games: Live at the Heats 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:35pm Friends 6:05pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm ER 10:00pm The Games: Inside Track 10:30pm My Name Is Earl 11:00pm The Games: Live from the Athletes' Village 12:30pm 8 Out of 10 Cats 1:00am Porn: A Family Business 1:35am ER 2:30am My Name Is Earl 3:00am The Games: Inside Track 3:25am Switched
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6:00am Old Bear Stories 6:10am Aussie Antics 6:15am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:40am Hi-5 7:15am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:25am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:35am Make Way for Noddy 7:50am Say It With Noddy 7:55am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:10am Peppa Pig 8:15am Bird Bath 8:30am Titch 8:40am The Clangers 8:50am Franny's Feet 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:40pm Star Trek: Voyager 2:35pm Star Trek: Voyager 3:30pm September Gun 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men This is gay. Literally! 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Rogue Raiders Bears 8:00pm How Not to Decorate 9:00pm Killer Instinct 10:00pm House 11:00pm The Seven Year Old Surgeon: Extraordinary People No offence, I’m sure this kid’s a medical genius, but if I was going to have open heart surgery, I wouldn’t have someone who’s eight years away from even being able to buy a lottery ticket legally slicing me open with a scalpel. Wouldn’t he have to stand on a stepladder to reach my chest anyway? 12:00pm Golazo Football Show 12:50pm Dutch Football 2:20am Portuguese Football 3:50am Football Argentina
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6:00am The Cubeez 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Fiends 8:00am Just Shoot Me 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am 3 Minute Wonder 9:25am Water Stories 9:30am The Unteachables 10:20am 99 Ways to Lose your Virginity No 36: Chinese Water Torture. 11:10am Going Cold Turkey 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am ER 1:25pm Odette 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm Richard and Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: Last Orders 8:00pm A Place in the Sun 8:30pm No Going Back: A New Life in France 9:00pm The Games: Live 10:00pm His Big White Self 11:55pm Green Wing 1:05am Coming Up: Victoria 1:35am Some Voices Whose voices though? Jasper Carrot? Tony Bennett? Tom Cruise? Graeme Greene? Holly Hunter? David Gray? Reese Witherspoon? Tony Curtis? Lee Sharpe? Gordon Burns? Harriet Harman? Beverly Allett? The Jools Holland Big Band feat. Marc Almond? Jessica Biel? Barry Venison? Clive Anderson? Sheldon Turnipseed? Jackson Browne? Henry Kelly? Frankie Muniz? William Peterson? Ice Cube? Tony Hadley? Tom O’ Connor? Mark Goodier? Seamus Heaney? Mr Belding? 3:15am Robinson Crusoe: The True Story 4:15am Dispatches 5:15am Countdown
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6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30pm Loose Women 2:30pm Agatha Christie's Poirot 3:30pm Pocoyo 3:40pm Blips Doo...doo.. dit. Doo...dit. 3:50pm Rugrats 3:55pm Sonic X 4:25pm My Parents are Aliens 5:00pm The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 6:50pm Budget Response by the Shadow Chancellor Apparently this was originally going to be a response to the budget by the gladiator Shadow, but he’s a drug taking motherfucker. 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Great Welsh Roads The M4 is my personal favourite Welsh road. Mainly because it leads straight out of Wales. Or into Wales, if you’re that way inclined. 8:00pm The Bill 9:00pm Footballers' Wives 10:00pm Poor Little Rich Girls 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Poor Little Rich Girls 11:30pm Waterfront 12:00pm Free Ride 12:30pm Quizmania 4:10am Britain's Best Back Gardens I broke a wine bottle in my back garden yesterday, so it’s probably not going to be mine. Most likely to cut your foot gardens, maybe. I feel sick. 4:35am Moving Day Darren Day this week demonstrates the “sidle” 5:00am ITV Nightscreen
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6:00am Breakfast 9:00am CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays:Big Cook Little Cook 9:25am Postman Pat 9:40am Little Robots 9:50am Tweenies 10:15am Something Special 10:30am Watch 10:45am Something Special 11:00am Razzledazzle 11:20am BBC Primary History 11:30am Aiming for Excellence 12:00am The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:00pm Commonwealth Games 2006 3:00pm Through the Keyhole I saw the episode of this the other week with the midget who played R2D2 on it? Everything in his house was small. Who else was it ever going to be?! 3:30pm Escape to the Country 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Flog It! 6:30pm Commonwealth Games 2006: Games Today 8:00pm Match of the Day Live: FA Cup Quarter-Final 10:00pm Have I Got Old News for You 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm Budget Response by the Conservative Party Imagine if this was a budget response in the same way videogames get re-released as “budget” ie- cost effective packaging etc. This would just be David Cameron sat infront of Michael Portillo’s cameraphone jabbering on about the country’s economy in a pub garden. 11:25pm The Culture Show 11:55pm Don't Watch That Watch This! ----> ooo0ooo0oo 12:30pm Sign Zone:Panorama 1:15am Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Schools:GCSE Bitesize
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7:00am Commonwealth Games 2006: Games Report 7:25am Commonwealth Games 2006 12:30am Commonwealth Games 2006: Games Report 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Doctors 3:05pm Animal Park 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:ChuckleVision 3:40pm Pitt and Kantrop 4:05pm What's New Scooby Doo? 4:30pm Grange Hill 5:00pm Serious Amazon The former Gladiator goes back to school to learn quadratic equations. On an unrelated note, Jonathan Demme’s new concert film about Neil Young looks really good doesn’t it, mmmm yes. 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm Run for Glory The annual Wednesday night dash to get to the toilets in Club X - live. 7:30pm EastEnders 8:00pm Waterloo Road 9:00pm The Family Man 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Budget Response by the Conservative Party “Blah blah blah it’s all a load of crap because it wasn’t down to us etc” 10:40pm Question Time 11:40pm Commonwealth Games 2006 11:45pm: Frog tossing 12:15am Ankle Parking 1:40pm Ink 1:50 Tree Groping
How Not to Decorate
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6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Just Shoot Me 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:15am Sweet Tooth 9:25am Ysgolion 9.3012.00:Going Cold Turkey 9:50am The Unteachables 10:40am 99 Ways to Lose your Virginity 11:30am Bitesize Cemeg 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach:Triongl 12:45am Planed Plant Bach:Mr Men and Little Miss 12:50am Planed Plant Bach:Binca 1:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Amser Stori 1:05pm Planed Plant Bach:Clwb Cleber 1:15pm 3 Minute Wonder: Tales of the Creepy Crooked... 1:20pm A Place in the Sun 1:55pm No Going Back: A New Life in France 2:25pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Planed Plant:Dennis a
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Friday
Page 26
March 20 - 26 2006
fog@fweck.com
Apha,Bravo,Charlie, Delta, Echo, Foxtrot, Golf, Hotel, India, Juliet, Kilo,
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7:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 8:00pm Trauma 8:30pm The Real Hustle 9:00pm Wedding Stories 10:00pm EastEnders 11:00pm Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 11:30pm Ideal 12:00pm The Colin and Edith Show Isn’t this a radio show? Where am I? What the fuck is going on? I knew I should’ve stayed in bed this morning. 12:55pm The Real Hustle 1:25am Kick Ass Miracles Graeme. Yes, the IT whizz is a bloody kick ass miracle. Not only has he saved us a shed load of time and effort, he also allowed me to put Tippex on his face. He was passed out at the time due to excessive consumption of alcohol, the little tinker. Who would have thought? 1:55am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 2:25am Snuff Box 2:55am The Ferocious Mr Fix It
X-Ray, Yankee, Zulu. YES.
7:00pm Tory! Tory! Tory! 8:00pm The World 8:30pm The Cinema Show 9:00pm Ivor Cutler: Looking for Truth with a Pin 10:00pm The Chatterley Affair 11:30pm The Avengers 12:20pm The Mark Steel Lecture 12:50pm The Cinema Show 1:20am Ivor Cutler: Looking for Truth with a Pin Now it is time for a pointless list children of the night. This week I am going to list the things I should have done by now but I haven’t. 1) Join a netball team (as if) 2) Marry a man who looks like Steven Seagal. 3) Drive over a large branch. 4) Touch an Elephant 5) Stop being a ridiculous loserwho can’t finish a television page in less than two hours because i’m too busy making cups of tea or asking boys if I can put make-up on them. Fact. I was going to add that I’ve never milked a goat but then I remembered that I actually had, several times. You know you’re old when you forget things as momentous as that.
6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am Entertainment Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1:30pm Loose Women 2:30pm Agatha Christie's Poirot 3:30pm Pocoyo 3:40pm Blips If some Blips are Blobs and some Blobs like Blippity Blop Bobbits, them how many Blips are Blobs? 3:50pm Rugrats 4:00pm Finders Keepers 4:30pm Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 5:00pm The Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 6:50pm Budget Response by the Liberal Democrats 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8:30pm A Touch of Frost 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Party Conference Broadcast 11:05pm Hair I once had three hairclips stuck in my knotted, matted hair for a whole week. Even washing didn’t dislodge the blighters. Why I am telling you this I have no idea. Oh yes I do. It is very late and i’ve just spent the last three hours literally arsing around and now I want to go home and I have to write in some kind of Dickensian sweatshop while you students worry if you’ve lost your American Pie boxset. Did you know I can recite the phonetic alphabet on command? 11:30pm Orange Playlist 12:05pm Quizmania 4:05am The Jeremy Kyle Show 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News
Lima, Mike, November, Oscar,
6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Sabrina 7:30am Transformers Energon 8:00am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:30am Mummies Alive 9:00am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am Sally Jessy Raphael 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Airline 2:00pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Ricki Lake Show 3:50pm The Montel Williams Show 4:40pm The Oprah Winfrey Show 5:35pm Judge Judy 6:50pm Movies Now 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm Planet's Funniest Animals 8:30pm American Idol 10:00pm American Idol 10:30pm Test Drive My Girlfriend What kind of retard would let that slobbering jizz-monkey Paul Danan anywhere near their girlfriend? I saw him humping someone’s leg once. Maybe.11:00pm Coronation Street 11:30pm Footballers' Wives Extra Time 12:15pm The Ricki Lake Show
ITV1 11.05am
6:00am The Cubeez 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Just Shoot Me 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am 3 Minute Wonder: The Bench 9:25am Water Stories 9:30am Adopt Me - I'm a Teenager 10:20am Giving Up the Weed 11:10am The Big Drugs Debate DRUGS ARE BAD. 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Small Railway Journeys 12:45am ER 1:35pm Sea of Sand Last time I went to Barry island it was called a beach. 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm Richard and Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:35pm 30 Minutes 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Will and Grace 9:00pm The Games: Live 10:35pm 8 Out of 10 Cats 11:10pm My Name Is Earl 11:40pm Green Wing 12:50pm 888.com Poker Nations Cup 2:20am World Cup Snowboard 4:10am Trans World Sport 5:00am Grudge Match 5:10am Countdown 5:55am Animated Tales of the World “What about it?” “Argh! fucking stupid computer” “What?” I apologise. I had attempted to transcribe any dialogue between myself and TV John. Unfortunately I’ve had more interesting conversations with myself. I did however see John attempt to search for “sexy pics of Frankie Muniz” on the internet. Yes, that’s right, I SAW.
Papa, Quebec, Romeo, Sierra, Tango, Uniform,
6:00am E4 Music:Uninterrupted 7:00am The Games: Live from the Athletes' Village 1:00pm Switched 1:30pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 2:25pm The Games: Live 3:30pm The Games: Live at the Heats 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:35pm Friends 6:05pm Smallville: Superman the Early Year 7:00pm Hollyoaks7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Supernanny 10:00pm Friends 10:30pm The Games: Inside Track 11:00pm The Games: Live from the Athletes' Village 12:30pm Porn: A Family Business 1:05am Porn: A Family Business 1:40am Kanye West: Live and Orchestral at Abbey Road This morning it was gloriously sunny. The problem with winter sun is that if you wear sunglasses you run the risk of looking like a twat. I opted for the twat route and wore my Kanye West shades. I’ll never be as cool as him.2:40am The Games: Inside Track 3:05am Porn: A Family Business 3:30am Supernanny 4:30am Switched 4:50am Fool
6:00am Old Bear Stories 6:10am Aussie Antics 6:15am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:40am Hi-5 7:15am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:25am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:35am Make Way for Noddy 7:50am Say It With Noddy 7:55am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:10am Peppa Pig 8:15am Bird Bath 8:30am Titch 8:40am The Clangers 8:50am Franny's Feet 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:40pm Star Trek: Voyager 2:35pm Star Trek: Voyager 3:25pm The Patricia Neal Story: an Act of Love 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away Today’s episode is dedicated to the charming band I saw the other night who covered this in their, erm, “set”. 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:30pm Built for the Kill: Swamp Monsters 8:00pm Nigel Marven's Creepy Crawlies 9:00pm The 1970s: That Was the Decade That Was...was what? Chubby? Thirty years ago? Stackheeled? 10:00pm Law and Order 11:00pm Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 12:00pm John Barnes' Football Night 1:00am Boxing: Fight of the Week 1:40am Kick Boxing: Now Is the Time: Night of Combat 2:30am 101 Greatest Knockouts 3:00am Poker Night: Partypoker.com European Open 4:30am World Supercross Grand Prix
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6:00am Breakfast 9:00am CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays:Big Cook Little Cook 9:25am Postman Pat 9:40am Little Robots 9:50am Tweenies 10:15am Something Special 10:30am BBC Primary History 10:50am BBC Primary Geography 11:10am BBC Primary Geography 11:30am Razzledazzle 11:50am Focus 12:00am The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:00pm Commonwealth Games 2006 3:00pm Through the Keyhole 3:30pm Escape to the Country 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Flog It! 7:00pm Scrum V Live 9:00pm A Very British Olympics 10:00pm My Appalling School Report 10:30pm Newsnight 11:00pm Newsnight Review 11:35pm Budget Response by the Liberal Democrats 11:40pm Loudon Wainwright III at the BBC 12:45pm Sign Zone:The Best of Top Gear 1:45am Dear Television 2:00am Ever Wondered? 2:30am Open Advice - Study to Succeed 3:00am A Question of Identity Berlin and Berliners Talking of capital cities, my housemate thought that the capital of the Czech Republic was “Russia”. Oh dear. 4:00am Insights into Violence Talking heads discuss violence. Key findings include: Violence hurts and if you punch someone they are likely to twat you one back. 4:30am Driving while Black 5:00am Containing the Pacific 5:30am The Euro Beat Not to be confused with Culture Beat, who had a hit with Mr Vain back in ninety-something.
BBC2 9pm
Hair
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7:00am Commonwealth Games 2006: Games Report 7:25am Commonwealth Games 2006 12:30am Commonwealth Games 2006: Games Report 12:55am Live FA Cup SemiFinal Draw 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Monk 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:ChuckleVision 3:40pm Pitt and Kantrop 4:05pm Zombie Hotel 4:30pm Living It 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00 A Question of Sport In my opinion the TV coverage is far too sporty at the moment. The only people who are interested in sport are those who play a sport of their own. Research indicates that 90% of sportsmen (and women) would rather inject themselves with steroids and run up and down the stairs than watch a full night of television. (Please note: I am lying) So who, may we ask, benefits from this excessive sports coverage? 7:30pm Stars in Fast Cars 8:00pm EastEnders 9:00pm Hustle 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Budget Response by the Liberal Democrats 10:40pm Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11:40pm Commonwealth Games 2006
A Very British Olympics
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Tory! Tory Tory!
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Victor, Whiskey...
6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Just Shoot Me 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am Water Stories 9:30am Ysgolion (Schools) (9.30-12.00):Going Cold Turkey 10:20am Giving Up the Weed 11:10am The Big Drugs Debate 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach 12:45am Planed Plant Bach 12:50am Planed Plant Bach Pwy 1:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Sam Tan 1:15pm 3 Minute Wonder 1:20pm It's Me or the Dog 1:55pm You Are What You Eat 2:25pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Planed Plant:Beyblade 4:25pm Planed Plant:Paparazzi 4:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil 5:00pm Richard and Judy 5:55pm Budget Response by Plaid Cymru - The Party of Wales 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Uned 5 7:25pm Ymateb i'r Gyllideb: Plaid Cymru - The Party of Wales 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Ymateb i'r Gyllideb: Democratiaid Rhyddfrydol 8:05pm Pobol y Cwm
Saturday
March 20 - 26 2006
Page 27
urgh@hate.com
7:00pm Three's Outtakes 7:10pm Honey We're Killing the Kids Revisited 7:40pm The Apprentice 8:40pm The Apprentice: You're Fired 9:10pm Copycat 11:10pm Dog Borstal 12:05pm Paparazzi 2:05am Spendaholics 3:00am The Real Hustle 3:30am Kick Ass Miracles Hello. TV John here. I’ve had a really rubbish day today (16/03/06) which started off pretty badly and was subsequently marred further by brainless shoplifters, a windswept gale of drizzly rain, forgetting to buy a copy of Big Trouble in Little China, and TV Grace announcing her plans to swan off to another country. I think I just want to go to bed now and never wake up. On the plus side, I went to a party last weekend and didn’t leave in a drunken stupor without saying goodbye, so I suppose things are looking up. In a not-really kind of way. Oh, I’d like to recommend the folk duo Show of Hands, for anyone barking enough to listen.
6:00am CBeebies:Tikkabilla 6:30am The Story Makers 6:50am Open a Door Vivisection frolics for kids. Oh, it doesn’t say deer. 7:00am Breakfast 8:30am CBBC:Looney Tunes 8:35am Fairly Odd Parents 9:00am Show Me the Truck 11:00am Top of the Pops Reloaded 11:45am Sportsround 12:00am Conference 2006 2:00pm See Hear 2:45pm Badger Country 2:55pm Wildlife on Two 3:25pm The Alamo Overrated John Wayne shite. 6:10pm Gardeners' World Specials 7:10pm Planet Earth 8:10pm Around the World in 80 Treasures 9:10pm A Night in Brick Lane: Brick Lane Brick Lane, if I remember correctly, is in trendy swinging London, beloved by idiot ex-student journalists and cock-faced twunts. I don’t remember that because I’ve been there by the way. 10:05pm A Night in Brick Lane: Banglatown Banquet 11:00pm Commonwealth Games 2006 11:50pm Never Mind the Buzzcocks 12:20pm Theft of the Crown Jewels: Days That Shook the World 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest:The Next Big Thing 2:30am Invasion of the Plague Carriers 2:45am What Have the 60s Ever Done for Us? 3:00am A Life of Time 3:30am The Vernacular Tradition 4:00am Just Seventeen: The Geometry of Patterns 4:30am Galois' Enduring Legacy 5:30am Landscape Mysteries
P R I M E T I M E
P R I M E T I M E
7:00am Commonwealth Games 2006: Games Report 7:25am Commonwealth Games 2006 12:00am BBC News; Weather 12:10am Football Focus 1:30pm Commonwealth Games 2006 4:30pm Wales on Saturday 5:25pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 5:45pm All Time Greatest Movie Songs The usual fodder, I’m sure - Huey Lewis and the News: The Power of Love, Limahl: Never Ending Story. Bill Medley and Jennnifer Warnes: (I’ve had ) The Time of My Life, Godspeed You Black Emperor!: East Hastings etc. 6:45pm Only Fools and Horses 7:45pm The National Lottery Jet Set 8:20pm Casualty Matt Jay, formally of Busted, was in an episode of this six years ago, playing a drug dealer in an episode called If You Go Down to the Wards Today. See what they did there? 9:10pm New Tricks 10:10pm BBC News; Weather 10:30pm Match of the Day 11:50pm Commonwealth Games 2006 Hmmm, BBC1 has very little to say for itself this weekend aside from the Commonweath Games it seems. Shit sandwich. Sports TV Desk think should be reinstated to the Commonwealth Games: Using Australia as a holding ground for thieves and deviants, Flogging slaves, planting flags in the ground and saying “this’ll do nicely”, galleon sailing, stealing tea from Asians, drinking the subsequent tea and going “ahhhh” after the first sip, raping and pillaging, and burning small villages in the name of the monarchy.
7:00pm Vivaldi's Women He had one for every season, apparently. It’s where The Four Seasons got it’s inspiration from, because he was boning four lassies on the trot. 8:00pm Vivaldi Gloria 8:30pm Dodie Smith 9:30pm The Cinema Show 10:00pm Osama 11:20pm Bollywood Shorts 12:00pm Ten Commandments 1> Thou shalt drink black coffee. Commandments 2 through 10> Thou shalt not drink inferior coffees (amend to suit different coffees on the Starbucks menu) 12:55pm Ivor Cutler: Looking for Truth with a Pin Ivor Cutler ws one of those maverick outsider artists, who treads such a fine line between genius and banality. Anyway, he’s dead. But this tribute, which looks into the Scottish poet/singer/insert your own interpretations of what a rambling old fool talking about breasts and saying ‘mammy’ a lot is actually about, and pays tribute to his undoubtedly original charm. Anyone interested in the “work” of Cutler, I suggest the album Ludo as a good place to start. And end.
Kick Ass Miracles
BBC3 3.30am
6:00am Boohbah 6:10am Pocoyo 6:25am Fun Song Factory 6:35am Jo Jo's Circus 7:00am Dora the Explorer 7:25am House of Mouse 7:55am Dave the Barbarian 8:25am SpongeBob SquarePants 8:50am Avatar 9:25am Holly and Stephen's Saturday Showdown 11:30am cd:uk 12:30am ITV News; Weather 12:35am ITV Wales News and Weather 12:40am Planet's Funniest Animals 12:50am The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 1:50pm The Ultimate Heist: Making Inside Man The not-very-entertaining-looking and needlessly long bank robbery tripe starring Clive Owen gets a crummy ITV1 preview show. Rubbish, especially when it’s followed by... 2:20pm The Rockford Files Intellectual ‘no-guns’ doofus Jim Rockford solves another pointless crime from his dilapidated trailer park office. 3:20pm Support Your Local Sheriff! Use a rickshaw! 5:00pm ITV Wales News and Weather 5:15pm ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 5:30pm You've Been Framed! 6:00pm Harry Hill's TV Burp 6:30pm Ice Age 2: Behind The Scenes 6:40pm Ice Age 8:10pm Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 9:10pm Celebrity Stars in Their Eyes 10:10pm Parkinson 11:10pm ITV News 11:25pm Narrow Margin The gair rhydd, every week treading that line between informative and blasphemous. 2:05am Quizmania 3:05am People's Court 4:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning
6:00am Ni Ni's Treehouse 7:20am MacDonald's Farm 7:40am Bag People 8:10am Woodpecker's Tale 8:25am Mags and Mo 8:40am Babar 9:00am Time to Dance Don’t have a clue what this is about, but it shares it’s name with the title of a song by Panic! At The Disco. See you down the front at the union. ETC. 9:10am Teleshopping 9:25am Emmerdale Omnibus 12:10am Coronation Street Omnibus 2:30pm Emmerdale Secrets: Double Acts 3:30pm Make Me Rich 4:00pm Holiday Showdown 5:00pm Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 6:00pm Movies Now 6:10pm Celebrity Fit Club 7:10pm Surface 8:10pm Nanny 911 9:00pm Movies Now 9:10pm Jurassic Park III 10:55pm Test Drive My Girlfriend 11:25pm Booty Call 2:05am Dare 3:30am Emmerdale Omnibus
Eraser Ch4 10.50pm
6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am French Football: Le Championnat 7:30am World Cup Skiing 8:00am The Morning Line 8:55am T4:Totally Frank 9:20am T4:Pure T4 9:55am T4:Popworld 10:45am T4: Chantelle: Living the Dream This week, Preston: Living in someone elses shadow. God he’s such a dickhead. 11:15am T4:The Games: Live 12:55am T4:Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing from Redcar and Newbury 4:05pm Countdown 4:55pm A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 5:55pm Supernanny 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:25pm Deal or No Deal TV Gareth will no doubt be pleased, and probably not surprised that this has made the jump to primetime. TV Gareth has in the past claimed to have watched almost every single episode of DOND, can he keep the record up? 8:10pm Bremner, Bird and Fortune 9:10pm The Games: Champions of Champions 10:50pm Eraser Arnie guff not to be confused with David Lynch’s Eraserhead. Or in fact, any other good film. 12:55pm 4 Music:The Album Chart Show 2:30am 4 Music:Moby: Live in Concert 3:30am 4 Music:Michael Jackson's Moments <Insert hilarious paedophile gag here> 3:35am 4 Music:The Hives: Live in Concert Shite in concert too, from what I remember. 4:35am Punk'd 4:55am Microcosmos
6:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted Well, for an hour or so, and then you get this shit... 7:00am The Games: Live from the Athletes' Village 1:20pm The Album Chart Show 1:55pm The Games: Live Final 3:30pm The Games: Live at the Heats 4:30pm Fiends 5:00pm Fiends 5:30pm Fiends 6:00pm Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands 7:00pm Beauty and the Geek 8:00pm Fiends 8:35pm Fiends 9:10pm My Name Is Earl 9:40pm My Name Is Earl 10:10pm My Name Is Earl 10:45pm The Games: Inside Track 11:15pm Conan the Barbarian 2:40am Porn: A Family Business 3:15am My Name Is Earl 3:45am My Name Is Earl 4:10am Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands 5:10am Switched 5:30am Switched La la-la la laa.
6:00am Sunrise 6:55am Jay Jay the Jet Plane 7:25am The Save-Ums! 7:40am The Save-Ums! 7:50am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:05am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:20am Franklin 8:50am George Shrinks 9:25am Don't Blame the Koalas 9:55am The Adventures of Sinbad 10:50am Blue Water High 11:20am The Gadget Show 12:10am Sophia Loren: Her Own Story Once upon a time there was an overrated fashionista tart called Sophia... 3:00pm Hercules and the Circle of Fire Homoerotica meets pyromania for early afternoon frolics on five. Put that on the DVD cover. 4:30pm Charmed 5:20pm Everybody Hates Chris Double bill of the quite-good sounding Malcom in the Middle . Fresh Prince of Bel Air hybrid loosely based on the childhood of Chris Rock. No seriously... 5:50pm Everybody Hates Chris Hopefully this’ll not be like Everybody Loves Raymond, which took approximately six seasons to squeeze in it’s first joke. 6:15pm Charmed 7:00pm Guns of the Magnificent Seven 9:00pm five news and sport 9:10pm CSI:NY More ludicrous melodrama and overacting from Gary “Of Mice and Men: Sinise. Brill-o. 10:10pm Law and Order: Criminal Intent 11:10pm Fort Apache, The Bronx 2:30am Law and Order: Criminal Intent 3:15am The Wright Stuff 4:25am The Wright Stuff
029 20229977
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P R I M E T I M E
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BBC2 5.30am
PRIMETIME
Landscape Mysteries
BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!
6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am French Football: Le Championnat 7:30am World Cup Skiing 8:00am The Morning Line 8:55am Scrapheap Challenge: The Scrappy Races 9:55am Cynhadledd y Blaid Lafur 11:55am Chantelle: Living the Dream 12:25am Chantelle: Living the Dream 12:55am The OC 1:50pm Grudge Match 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing from Redcar and Newbury 4:05pm Water Stories 4:10pm Countdown 5:00pm Newyddion 5:10pm Y Clwb Rygbi 7:25pm Y Clwb Pel-Droed 8:00pm Newyddion a Chwaraeon 8:15pm Noson Lawen 9:15pm David Lloyd George 10:15pm The Games: Champions of Champions 11:50pm Bremner, Bird and Fortune 12:55pm Frasier The words “oasis” and “middle of a big desert of cack” spring to mind. 2:25am 888.com Poker Nations Cup
STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977
Sunday
Page 28
March 20 - 26 2006
students@listeningtomrscruffshocker.co.uk
STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977
6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Planet's Funniest Animals. 10.00 Nanny 911. 10.50 Movies Now. 11.00 Emmerdale Omnibus. 1.45 FILM: Jurassic Park 4.10 Coronation Street Omnibus 6.30 American Idol. 7.20 American Idol. 8.10 American Idol. 9.00 Supernatural Spooky shit. With the emphasis squarely on “shit” 10.00 FILM: 3000 Miles to Graceland Barmy Kurt Russel “thriller” involving a bank heist during an Elvis convention, with a preposturous number of guest stars including tasty man-sandwich Christian Slater and permatan pioneer Thomas Haden Church. 0.30 Coronation Street 1.00 FILM: Manhunter Starring CSI’s William Peterson in one of his earliest film roles, no doubt looking completely ridiculous. 3.15 Play Sudoku. 4.00 Teleshopping Goose news: I’ve written a letter to the ASA concerning the misrepresentation of geese in the media, and am awaiting their response. I’ve demanded an apology on behalf of the geese.
6:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am The All Star Wake Up Call 9:00am The All Star Wake Up Call 10:00am Whatever... You Want 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Chantelle's Zero To Hero 1:00pm Chantelle's Zero To Hero 2:10pm Popworld 3:00pm Young, Sexy And Hollywood 3:55pm Beauty And The Geek 5:00pm Friends: The One With Frank Jr. 5:30pm Friends: The One With The Flashback 6:00pm The O.C.: The Disconnect 7:00pm Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Lexmas 8:00pm Er: All About Christmas Eve 9:00pm Invasion: Power 10:00pm Desperate Housewives: That's Good, That's Bad 10:55pm My Name Is Earl: Cost Dad The Election 11:25pm Smallville: Superman The Early Years: Lexmas 12:20am The O.C.: The Disconnect 1:15am Er: All About Christmas Eve 2:05am My Name Is Earl: Cost Dad The Election 2:30am Beauty And The Geek
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06.00 Old Bear Stories 06.10 Aussie Antics 06.15 Bear in the Big Blue House 06.40 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 07.10 The SaveUms! 07.20 The Save-Ums! 07.40 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 07.55 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.15 Franklin 08.45 George Shrinks 09.20 Snobs 09.50 Michaela's Wild Challenge 10.25 Heroes of History 10.55 The New Tomorrow 11.25 Arthur's Trip to India 11.55 Rooted 12.20 Divine Designs 12.55 five news update 13.00 Wildlife Down Under with Nick Baker 13.35 Film: Crash Dive 15.40 Film: The Adventures of Robin Hood" 17.35 Film: Knight in Camelot 19.20 five news and sport 19.30 Film: Look Who's Talking Too Unnecessary talking-baby sequal which achieves the impossible by being even less funny than the first one. Starring Ted Danson. 21.00 Film: Maid in Manhattan One of the worst films I’ve ever seen - and, unbelieveable but true, written by John Hughes of The Breakfast Club and Ferris Bueller fame. Twat. 23.05 Celebrities Without Slap Sorry I just can’t come up with a witty enough comment about slapping celebrities. Make one up yourselves, you can’t expect me to do everything for you. 24.05 Winter X Games 2006 24.55 Ironman Triathlon 01.30 NCAA Basketball 03.00 Golf: Jebel Ali Challenge 03.50 Motorsport Mundial 04.30 Dutch Football I’ll believe in anything. I’ll believe in anthing. I’ll believe in anything. I’ll believe in anything
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5:55am Making It: Tom Goes Kiteboarding 6:00am Animated Tales Of The World: The Tree With The Golden Apples 6:15am The Hoobs: Cool 6:40am Transworld Sport 7:35am World Cup Skiing 8:30am Cheltenham Festival Preview 8:55am T4: One Tree Hill: We Might As Well Be Strangers 9:55am T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:25pm T4: Shipwrecked 2006: Battle Of The Islands 1:30pm T4: The O.C.: The Disconnect 2:30pm T4: Fiends: The One With The Red Sweater 3:00pm Hard-Fi: Video Exclusive 3:05pm Carry On Doctor 4:50pm Scrapheap Challenge: The Scrappy Races: Hill Climbers 5:50pm Time Team 8/13: Castle In The Round 6:45pm Desperate Housewives: The Sun Won't Set 7:35pm Channel 4 News 8:00pm Invasion Which is ironically followed by... 9:00pm The World's Greatest Actor Chuck Norris had better be pushing the boundaries of the top top 10. Deputy Editor Will: Steven Seagal. TV Grace: Corey Feldman. News: Robert De Niro and Johnny Depp (missing the point somewhat). Others to look out for include Giovanni Ribisi, Christopher Lambert, Dolph Lundgren and Sean Penn. 1:00am Hard-Fi: Video Exclusive Check it out, you can’t watch this bollocks on any other channel! 1:05am The Album Chart Show 1:35am Freesports On 4: Snowboarding 2:05am Kotv 2:35am French Football: Le Championnat 4:25am Scrapheap Challenge: Hill Climber 5:25am Countdown
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19.00 The Sun 20.00 Time The time currently is exactly midnight. My day off work technically starts now, and I’m still wasting it. 21.00 The Fine Art of Whistling By “fine”, I’m presuming they mean “hideous”. and by “art” they mean “despicable act” 22.00 Film: Bloody Kids Myra Hindley, Ian Huntley, Thomas Hamilton, Fred West and John Wayne Gacy lead an ensemble cast. Sorry. 23.30 Mark Lawson Talks to P D James I though there weredead. P D James, I mean. It’d be a bit Weekend at Bernies if Mark Lawson was dead. 24.30 Sun and Moon 01.00 The Sun Mate - I’ve just watched a show featuring the sun AND the moon, why would I want to watch this substandard tripe? 02.00 The sky at Night 02.30 BBC Proms 2005 03.30 Sun and Moon 04.00 Close Top music this week: Wolf Parade, Teddy Thompson, a 3cd Fairport Convention best of, Panic! at the Disco, Deathstars and Halloween, Alaska.
BBC4 10pm
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19.00 Anthea Turner: the Perfect Housewife 20.00 Honey We're Killing the Kids 21.00 Wedding Stories 22.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.30 When Comedy Changed Forever That would be after the gair rhydd printed some controversial cartoons with with an ignorant headline. 23.25 The Real Hustle 23.55 Wedding Stories I’ve got a fifty pound bet with my sister that I’ll get married before her. Anyone who fancies paying for a trip to San Francisco for me to meet a lovely gay man with flowers behind his ear who’ll take me on the tram and show me where the love is and/or where Dirty Harry was filmed. I’m not sure where I’m going with this. 24.55 Honey We're Killing the Kids 01.50 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.. and a kick in the teeth if you’re anything to do with this tawdry shite. 02.20 The Real Hustle 02.50 Anthea Turner: the Perfect Housewife 03.50 Close
6.00 GMTV. 6.00 News. 6.10 The Sunday Programme 7.25 Toonattik 9.25 The Championship 10.30 F1: Bahrain Grand Prix Live 13.30 ITV News; Weather 13.35 ITV Wales News and Weather 13.40 Wales Soccer Sunday 14.10 American Idol Who needs a Sunday afternoon walk in the park feeding the geese when you can watch a version of Pop Idol that doesn’t matter because we can’t vote and they’ll probably never release a record in the UK? 15.50 American Idol 16.40 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries. Risky 17.10 Planet's Funniest Animals. 17.30 Britain's Best Back Gardens 18.00 Celtic Monsters This week: John Hartson. 18.25 ITV Wales News and Weather 18.40 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 The Royal. Loved and Lost 21.00 Midsomer Murders. Down Among the Dead Men 23.00 ITV News. 23.10 The South Bank Show. John Rutter. Who’s a gay version of that guy who was in Bad Santa and 10 Simple Rules... 0.10 F1: Bahrain Grand Prix Highlights 1.10 Quizmania 2.35 The Jeremy Kyle Show 3.35 Redcoats 4.00 People's Court 5.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News So anyway, this week I went to my Gran’s funeral. Not strictly a laughing matter, but whilst at the wake, I found out her neighbour Simon almost secured Phil Daniels’ role in Quadrophenia and was in a Lee Cooper advert in the eighties. He also is on the drugs committee that’s responsible for Rhypynol turning drinks blue, so well done that man.
Bloody Kids
P R I M E T I M E
6:00am: CBeebies: Tikkabilla. 6:30 The Story Makers. 6:50 Open a Door. 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes. 7:05 The Fairly Odd Parents. 7:30 Smile. 10:00 Sunday Style. 11:30 The Flying Gardener 11:40 FILM: Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea. 13:25 FILM: International Velvet. 15:30 Flog It! 16:30 Animal Park 17:30 Bill Oddie Goes Wild in Cape Town 18:10 Natural World. 19:00 Crufts 2006 Awesome. Although redundant having watched Best in Show the other week, I still have a soft spot for Crufts, especially after there was a Bruce Springsteen dog a few years back 21:00 Best of Top Gear. 22:00 Petrolheads 22:30 Match of the Day 2 23:30 American Dad. Threat Levels. 23:50 Family Guy 2:15am: Athletics: World Indoor Championships. 1:15 Joins BBC News 24 2:00 Get Reading, Get Writing: Why? So that one day you can be 23 years old and writing a column in a student magazine. 3:00 Reading Skills. 4:00 Ask the Authors “Dear Elizabeth Wurtzel, I read your book Prozac Nation when I was 17, and what I’d really like to know is, why are you such a self obsessed shitter, so can’t write for toffee, and somehow thinks it’s unspeakably hip and happening to carp on about how pseduomiserable your life is, you stinking thicko?” 5:00 Getting Published. Anyone interesting in publishing my magnum opus, working title Bruce Springsteen’s Cat, which is a heartwarming black comedy about suicide, destined to be a hybrid of The Catcher in The Rye and Twin Peaks? Email me asap.
five 1.35pm
P R I M E T I M E
6:00am: Breakfast. 7:35 Match of the Day 9:00 Sunday AM. 10:00 The Heaven and Earth Show. 11:00 Countryfile. 12:00: The Politics Show. 13:00 EastEnders. 14:25 Six Nations Grandstand 17:10 EastEnders. 17:40 Songs of Praise. 18:15 Last of the Summer Wine 18:45 Antiques Roadshow. 19:35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather. 20:00 Mayo This is either an hour of light entertainment with Simon Mayo, or it’s sixty minutes of info-tainment about mayonnaise. Either way, we’re all winners. 21:00 Planet Earth. 22:00 BBC News; Weather 22:15 Panorama. 22:55 Rail Cops 13:25 FILM: Someone to Watch over Me Not to be confused with the Gary Glitter biopic “Someone to Wank Over Me” 1:15am: Sign Zone: Holby City 2:15 Sign Zone: Panorama. 3:00 Sign Zone: A Passion for Churches. Featuring Danny Brunswick, from Bradford, who collects miniture churches and puts them on his head. There’s also Alexander Smythe, who has visited every single church in the United Kingdom and crapped in the vestry. 3:30 Sign Zone: How to Live Longer No. 45 - Don’t stay up until half past three to watch shite like Holby City and this documentary. People who stay up to watch this... well put it this way, I wouldn’t want to be near them whilst they’re operating heavy machinery. 4:15 Joins BBC News 24. It’s nice to know that the BBC literally have not changed their Sunday scheduling in over twenty years. It’s as British as gangbanging and herbal medicine.
Crash Dive
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Midsomer Murders
BBC1 3pm
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029 20229977
Fainting Goats
P R I M E T I M E
BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!
06:15 The Hoobs 06:40 Transworld Sport 07:35 World Cup Skiing 08:30 Cheltenham Festival Preview08:55 Hollyoaks 09:25 Hollyoaks 09:55 Hollyoaks 10:30 Hollyoaks 11:00 Hollyoaks 11:30 One Tree Hill 12:30 Yr Wythnos 13:00 Maniffesto 13:30 Rownd a Rownd 14:00 Rownd a Rownd 14:30 Film: Anne of the Flies 16:00 FILM: The Titfield Thunderbolt 17:30 Newyddion 17:35 Pobol Y Cwm Ombinus 19:30 Elystan 20:00 Dechranau Canu Dechnau Canmol 20:30 Cefyn Gwlad 21:00 Treflan 22:05 Newyddion 22:15 The Road to Guantanamo 00:05 The Actors Apparently good comedy with Dylan Moran and Michael Caine. “So it’s probably good” - Dep Ed. Will.01:45 FILM: Sex and Lucia
Five Minute Fun
March 20 2006
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eatmysudokuoflove@gairrhydd.com
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Barber’s tool Mark left by a wound Fertile desert spot Work hard Unite Boot string Slimy garden creature - - - Mears, survival guru New Tall building Rub out Begin Photo book Domestic animal Football target Pile Pig meat Grime Reporter’s exclusive Mature Swerve suddenly
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Natural fabric Post Intense light beam Slightly drunk Dutch shoe? Forest offical Rural road Martial art Not asleep By way of Permit Hot drink Spider’s trap Late night snack Chesspiece Burden Mumble Site, location Pulse rhythmically Hold tightly Coniferous tree
HALL OF SHAME W
hy oh why would you do some of the things that we get sent pictures of? Needless to say that, although they can’t all be printed, it’s good to see you students looking on the brighter side of life. Keep’em coming in.
Text 07791 165 837
Stool pigeon
Us neither.
“Why not cum on his back?”
So do we
All work and no play makes Jane take too much speed
That’s just mean
Page 30
s g n i t Lis
Recommended
March 20 2006
listings@gairrhydd.com
The ‘cheesier-than-stilton’ listings with This Week: A Welsh band-fest, some listings P ic k e of th k We e
Dir ty Perfect
@ Barfly Thurs. March 23 7.30pm/£5 Brookes recommends
S
omething strange is happening in The Valleys. Whisper it, but the Welsh music scene might be on the verge of something of a revival. With so many elder statesmen having either parted ways or slipped into a routine of monotony it’s time for a vital shot in the arm. With the likes of The Automatic, Bullet For My Valentine and drum ‘n’ bass maestro High Contrast already proving there’s more to Wales than Stereophonics and Charlotte Church, the floodgates appear to have been opened. Enter Dirty Perfect and The Poppies. Cardiff’s own Dirty Perfect are an alt-rock group with
A Midsummer Night’s Dream
@ St. David
The Secret Machines
Sat. March 25 7.30pm/£10
@ S.U Tues. March 21
Harris recommends
T
7pm / £12.50 Listings recommend
A
fter a minor lull in gigs at our faithful Students’ Union, it seems set to explode once more, as the Secret Machines blast their way to Solus this Tuesday. Revealing a sharp songwriting instinct and unfolding a distinct indie rock influence, the Secret Machines unveil singular scenarios and refined tunes within the alternative pop/rock scene. Drummer Benjamin Curtis, Josh Garza, and Brandon Curtis (vocals, bass) formed the Secret Machines in the midst of summer of 2000, in Dallas, Texas. The trio swiftly man-
s Hall
aged to nestle nicely into their own sound, mostly due to common musical experiences. Before forming the Machines, the Curtis brothers played with the punk rock squad UFOFU; in addition, Brandon's also a regular headliner of the Dallas underground music scene, namely through his active participation in projects such as Captain Audio alongside Garza. After several months of rehearsals and recording sessions in Chicago with engineer Brian Deck, the Machines released their debut disc, the EP, in March of 2002. After touring throughout much of 2002, the band returned to their adopted hometown of New York
City and began recording the debut full-length for Reprise with producer Jeff Blenkinsopp. The album Now Here is Nowhere was released in May of 2004. With gigs such as The Kooks, The Zutons, The Ordinary Boys, The Rakes, OK Go, and the recently announced Automatic gig (see bottom of the page) coming up at the Students’ Union, it may be time to get those giggin’ shoes back on and head on down. With Quench magazine recommending this gig and claiming that their new album is nothing other than ‘breathtaking, awe-inspiring, and jaw dropping’, you’ll want to get yourself a ticket.
his performance of A Midsummer Night’s Dream with Mendelssohn’s complete incidental music, is a collaboration of the City of London Sinfonia and the Royal Shakespeare Company, marrying Shakespeare’s comedy of magic and intrigue with Mendelssohn’s original score. At the age of 17, the young Felix Mendelssohn-Bartholdy wrote his Midsummer Night’s Dream overture in one month, giving its first public performance in 1827. It was known that he had a great respect for that particular Shakespeare play, having been exposed to it at a young age, and after some years he completed his score following a commission from King Friedrich Wilhelm II in 1843. Some of the pieces from his Overture are now well known in their own right, including the
an uncontrollable pop spasm, the results are wonderfully enjoyable and powerful punk records much like grunge troubadours Pavement, just check out new single Quarterback Hairdo. In their short career they’ve already toured Britain with the likes of fellow up and comers Humanzi and recently played at Club NME in London. Now it’s their turn to head the bill. Joining them will be the charming young three piece, The Poppies. If you’ve never turned your ear to Welsh language music before then The Poppies may just be the right place to start. By recording versions of their songs in both Welsh and English they have seemingly hit upon a solution to stay true to their roots as well as achieve the commercial success they deserve. Despite having only released one full single they still walked away with a Pop Factory Award late last year. Having already achieved Radio 1 airplay as well as regular rotation on our very own Xpress Radio, things are certainly going well for both groups. This will be a great showcase for these two new bands, so catch them for next to nothing and in the intimate surroundings of the Barfly whilst you still can.
Nocturne, Scherzo and Wedding March, which is that very same wedding ceremony staple. The combination of Shakespeare and Mendelssohn first received its British debut in 1856, but the CLS and RSC are currently in the middle of a nationwide tour, stopping at Cardiff for what promises to be a night of great theatre. Listings saw a separate RSC production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream last year, and can say that it was impressive, with spectacular sets and staging that brought out the ethereal elements of the play, good comedic acting and of course those pesky, trouble-making fairies stealing the show in their sparkly, otherworldly costumes. Mendelssohn’s music was written to emphasise key elements of the play, such as the magic of the fairies, with motifs repeated throughout the score representing the re-immergence of these themes. The CLC and RSC production has so far received rave reviews from publications such as the Times: “The play was acted with great flair and much good humour by members of the Royal Shakespeare Company … Brilliant orchestral playing from the City of London Sinfonia complemented this fine production”, and it is definitely worth a look.
Coming Up
Ok Go - Mon 27 March @ Students’ Union ... Panic! At The Disco - Weds 19 April @ Great Hall ... Arctic Monkeys - Fri 21 April @ Newport Centre ... Ordinary Boys - Sun 30 April @ Students’ Union ... Snow Patrol - Weds 3 May @ Students’ Union ... Dylan Moran - Sun 6 May @ St. David’s Hall ... Boy Kill Boy / The Automatic - Mon 7 May @ Great Hall ... The Zutons - Mon 21 May @ Great Hall
Th e Zu ton s
March 20 2006
Day By Day
Page 31
listings@gairrhydd.com
with Harris & Brookes and Shakespeare with the sound of music ...
Monday20/03
Tuesday21/03
PickOf The Day Student Elections @ Cardiff University Today is the first opportunity for you to vote in this years student elections.While it may just irritate you, it also determines how your Students’ Union is run, so if you’ve ever been to the Taf, read the gair rhydd, been to library, then get voting. See posters for the times and locations.
PickOf The Day Student Elections @ Cardiff University Today is the last opportunity for you to vote in this years student elections.While it may just irritate you, it also determines how your Student Union is run so get voting. See posters for the times and locations.
Fun Factory @ Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am. Free entry with NUS. £3 otherwise. X Factory @ The Taf Legendary X-press DJs. 9pm-1am FREE New Noise @ Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. And more afterwards, presumably. Milk @ Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu-jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasional chocolate! Check it out. 8pm-2am. Free Stereogum @ The Union Rock, metal, punk and electro. The Union in town that is. 9pm. £2 with flyer. I-Candy @ Tiger Tiger 5 rooms, 5 bars, 2 dancing rooms, private booths. Tonight: Valentines Black and White Ball 9.30pm. £3/4 NUS. Monday Live @ Buffalo Bar The latest rock and indie tunes. 9pm - 2am. £2/3. Parked @ The Social (Salsbury Rd) New weekly live indie music night. 8pm. £2 before 9pm. Live @ Barfly The Holloways / 28 Costumes / WhoKilledFrank. For the Holloways, think Libertine-style shambling guitars moulded with shuffling ska bass lines, singalong mockney choruses and unpretentious uplifting laddish lyrics. Instant melodies and head spinning positivity guaranteed. 7.30pm. £5.
Live @ S.U The Secret Machines. See facing page for further details. Comedy Club @ CF10, SU The weekly comedy night in CF10. See the posters around the Union for this weeks line up. 8-11pm £4 NUS Soul Motion@ Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing. 7pm-2am. Free. Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach Once upon a time... (No, that's not right) A long time ago, in a galaxy... (That's not right either) Many years ago (somewhere in 198?), Cardiff University Rock Society started a small rock disco... 9pm. £2.50 Live @ Barfly Echomind / Alfa 9 / Palace Fires / Eftiem. Based in South Wales, Echomind formed in December of 2002, the band then consisting of Drummer Mike Barry, Bassist Mike Day, Guitarist Simon O'Brien and Lead singer Gareth Whitby. With a unique blend of hard hitting chorus', melodic harmonies and infectious lyrics this is a band to look out for in the future music scene. 7.30pm. £5. Kate Williams Quartet @ St. David’s Hall This award-winning pianist/composer brings her rich and varied jazz to the Hall in a concert which includes works by McCoy Tyner, Chick Corea, Lennie Tristano and Mulgrew Mille. 8pm. £10.
Friday 24/03
Saturday25/03
Fat Friday @ Solus, SU If you go you will drink, and drinking makes you fat. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv. The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, Retro, Legendary Sounds (downstairs) 10.30pm – 2.30am. £3.50/ £4. Mad4It! @ Barfly Join Mike TV for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever. 10.30pm-2am. £3. Chaos @ Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm. Full Fat @ Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. Free entry before 11pm. Audio Velvet @ Buffalo Bar Weekly party action of new music mixed with beat driven mayhem from the past, present and future. 8pm. £2/3. Live @ Barfly Archie Bronson Outfit / Clearlake / Broken Sleep. Discovered by Domino label boss, Laurence Bell, in his local watering hole - a distinctly off the track hostelry - Archie Bronson Outfit are one of the most unique and brilliantly out-of-step British bands in years. Archie Bronson Outfit have arrived at their own markedly British rock cocktail – a taut, lean sound, as subtle as it is powerful. 7.30pm. £5. Live @ Hard Rock Cafe Plastic Spider. Like the ones you get in party bags, or Christmas crackers maybe? I’m not sure.9pm. £FREE. Pick Of The Day I Can’t Stop Loving You @ New Theatre First we saw the film Ray, detailing the fascinating life and music of Ray Charles. Now, direct from New York, comes a spectacular musical event celebrating the music of this great legend of popular music in a show that caused a sensation when it appeared in London’s West End last year. 7.30pm. £8.
Come Play @ Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room. TRAFFIC (DJ and clubbing socitey) playing house music in the other. 10pm. £3.50. Blueprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.Latin in the Xpress Lounge. 10pm-2am. £3.50 Fly Swatter @ Barfly All the best alternative music from yesteryear lined up with current dance floor fillers to make your weekend throb with brilliance.10.30pm. £3 NUS. Hellbent! @ The Model Inn, Quay Street The only city centre rock night on a Saturday. 9pm - 2am. Delinquent @ Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4. Clwb Cariad @ Clwb Ifor Bach Contemporary Welsh Sounds (downstairs) £4/3 10pm – 2.30am. Live @ Barfly Shit Disco / Oversol / Santa Carla. Shit Disco are a band from Glasgow. They like the fun. They are a band of circumstance, not style. To a man they prefer dancing to mincing. You can dance to them too if you like. Otherwise you can watch them dance while they play their music. 7.30pm.£5. A Midsummer Night’s Dream Shakespeare meets Mendelssohn. Sonnets meet musicals. Interested? See the facing page for further details of this event. Pick Of The Day LMS Battle of the Bands @ Clwb Ifor Bach The bands in the final are May Contain Nuts / White Mike / The Rebecca Riots / Cellar Door. Cardiff University Live Society present the final of their Battle of the Bands. 7.30pm. £tbc
Wednesday22/03
Rubber Duck @ Solus, SU You can come here to have the odd drink. By odd I mean something like snakebites, or turbo shandies. Mixing is good.10pm. £3. Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Popscene mob run riot with a splattering of guile, style and the best new music: aucous 'indie' and the like, heavily laden with guitars throughout. 9.30pm. £3. Traffic @ Philharmonic Cardiff’s DJ and club bing sociiety takes over the decks, playing house music until 1 in the morning. 9pm. Panic @ Barfly The very latest and great Indie hits. A brand spanking new FREE ENTRY clubnight. 10.30pm. Eay the DJ @ Buffalo Bar Resident DJs. FREE. Roots Hall @ Moloko Resident DJs / Phoenix Emily / DJ Truth. 8pm. FREE. Live @ Barfly Mistys Big Adventure / The Retro Spankees / Imperial Vipers. An utterly eccentric dollop of smile inducing fun… grinningly good. 7.30pm. £5. Pick Of The Day Comedy @ St. David’s Hall Laughing Matters presents Omid Djalili. One of Britain’s freshest and most original comics brings his smash hit show to the Hall, following enormous success at the Edinburgh Festival. His Edinburgh show enjoyed record-breaking ticket sales and transferred to London for a hugely successful season. 8pm. £15. On the Edge: The Big Crunch @ Chapter Arts Centre Saddam Hussein finds his way - albeit obliquely, into Neil Rhodes’ intense, sinister drama. Directed by David Prince. 8pm. £3 (on door).
Sunday26/03
Cleverdick Quiz @ The Taf, SU They provide the questions, you provide the answers. In my case, the wrong ones. MedClub Quiz @ MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm. Pub Quiz @ Woodville Yet another Sunday night quiz to ponder over. 7pm. Acoustic Night @ Moloko 7pm-2am. £1. Open Mic @ Buffalo Bar Live acoustic acts, songwriters, bands and performers every week. 8pm. £2. Pick Of The Day Live @ Barfly Christopher Rees / Angie and the Bear / Lone Pine / Jon Whitley. Some chilled-out lunchtime tunes courtesy of the Barfly and JD (that’s Jack Daniels). 2pm. £4. Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Johnny Mental / The Threat / Beneath The Shadows / Lydia Deetz. Hard hitting heavy metal hailing from South Wales. Finalists in Scuzz TVs Demo-lition Competition 2004, as partly judged by Max Cavalera (Soulfly) and Benji (Skindred). 7.30pm. £5. Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Meltdown presents Nickie Charles and band / Ben Lee Tyler / Threatmantics. It's the first gig of our third decade, and still the barriers between genres melt down (tonight dance, indie folk, rock, and roots music) and still we celebrate new talent (Nickie Charles, Threatmantics), and established talent from Cardiff and beyond. 8pm. £2.50 Cardiff Choral Celebration @ St. David’s Hall Concert in aid of the 2008 Cardiff National Eisteddfod. Contact venue for details. The Fourth Chair @ The Social Some great improvised comedy.7.30pm. £FREE.
Thursday23/03
Livewire @ Barfly Firing up every metal cylinder, punk piston, and hardcore harddrive. Good music, no dress code, and idiot free... Did I mention its FREE ENTRY Cheapskates @ Metros Now on Thursday nights. Alternative & cheese. Does exactly what it say on the tin, with drinks being cheaper than a bag of McCains. Double and a mixer cost 99p. 9pm-2am. Aperture @ Moloko Resident DJs / High Contrast / True Meaning / Specific / DJ Focus / DJ Haze / DJ Cujo / Carnage / Fresco / West One. 8pm. FREE before 11pm. Clubnight @ La Tropicana Hip Hop and R &B student night. 10pm. Cookie Puss @ Buffalo Bar The real deal mix of non re-issue funk 45s, soul melodies, afro, freakbeat and a nice bit of jazz. 9pm. £2/3. Loco @ La Tantra Open until 4am. Raise the Roof @ Journeys New and local live music - different genres each week. Pick Of The Day Live @ Barfly The Dirty Perfect / The Poppies / Viva Machine. See facing page for further details of this gig. Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Mugstar/ King Alexander and Ak Ak Ak. Liverpudlian noise monkeys. Mugstar are going to be a treat, let-me-tellyou.Influenced by bands like Oneida, Neu, Shellac, My Bloody Valentine and Sun Ra Their performances are amazing, ferocious and amazing. Apparently. 8pm. £5. Live @ Coal Exchange Stiff Little Fingers. Original 70s punks from Belfast still fronted by the iconic Jake Burns. 7.30pm. £15.
VENUES Students’ Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com The Point, Cardiff Bay 029 2046 0873. www.thepointcardiffbay.com
‘Scopes & Jobs
Page 32
March 20 2006
jobs@gairrhydd.com
Helping the needy with Shinequa Spleen
LIBRA - Sept. 24 - Oct. 23 This week you should give up trying to get the attentions of the sexual muffin that you’ve been hankering after for so long. If I were you, which I’m not but you see what I’m getting at, I’d put my face in a waffle iron. This way you’re buttery and delicious, and go well with maple syrup but most importantly – you’re waffley versatile. Lucky method of suicide: Hanging. AQUARIUS - Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 You feel like you're slowly being crushed by a giant hamster with a garlic presser, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would free you from the restraints of that demonic hamster? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my local Astral Travel Agency. They can usually be found on level 8 of your friendly neighbourhood crack house. CANCER - June 23 - July 23 No no, no no no no, no no no no, no no there’s no limit. Have you ever considered a career in parachute pants? Any career can be done in parachute pants. Wear your lucky underwear everyday this week. The moon is shining on the floor, this signifies you will spend all your money on booze. The term ‘rain on my parade’ will have a new meaning on Wednesday when Saturn takes a piss on your head. ARIES - Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 Due to a minor lymph-node infection, punctured kidney and a deflated lung, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You'll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music and line dancing. Hide your shameful new hobby by pretending to be a world renowned lounge singer. Alternatively, grow a Gandalf beard. GEMINI - May 22 - Jun 22 Why are you still wearing those pants? Take them off right now! There are times in a person’s life when getting drunk just isn’t a good idea, these times are rare for most, but not for Geminians. Venus is having a fanny all this week because Jupiter keeps drinking milk from the carton. On Saturday Harold Bishop will attempt to suffocate you with his chins. PISCES - Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 You are being followed by a drunken, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver beltbuckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt and a Carmen Miranda hat. Don’t take it personally; to him everyone’s a spunked up cuntmonkey. He’s got tourettes. Still, try and look on the bright side. If you’re nice to him maybe he won’t kill you. LEO - July 24 - Aug 23 This week you will become Pope. Exactly one hour before your Popeish equivalent of a coronation your balls will drop. After a few trips around the block in your Popemobile you will return to find a full-blown rave occurring in a snow globe on your mantelpiece. A forty year-old coke-head covered in
UV paint will sneak out of the rave to drop an acid in your cocoa. The chimney will swallow your original name causing you to realise that you don’t want to be pope anymore. TAURUS - Apr. 21 - May 21 This week your parents will find your drug stash. Unfortunately it was still up your crack when they discovered your drugs ring. Luckily for you it turns out that what you thought was the most potent form of cocaine known to man is actually a mixture of chalk and sherbet. What you thought was a splif was tapeworm. Best get that checked out or you could have made the best friend you’ll ever have. CAPRICORN - Dec. 22 - Jan. 20 Have you noticed those weird looks from your housemates? Well, its because your starting to look like a fat pet. You know the one I mean, like a normal rabbit that has been on steroid-based drinks, prone to anger and unable to please anyone sexually. To get over this obesity, try going on a crash diet. Shaka laka baby shaka laka baby. Come shaka laka with me. SCORPIO - Oct. 24 - Nov. 22 An eclipse on Neptune points to a dark week ahead, so, this week grow your fringe really really long and comb it over one eye! Dye it mainly black but with a hint of blonde or pink here and there. Now go buy many black clothes that are so tight you have to sew yourself into them. This week stay away from smiling, polite conversation, fun of any description, drinks, drugs and party poppers. Take time to really get to grips with annoying intelligent and upstanding people, fight the machine while chewin on a McDonald’s, and hang outside Blue Banana with the legions of other pretentious ‘alternative’ wankers. SAGITTARIUS - Nov. 23 - Dec. 21 Sagittarius sort of sounds like sacrilegious doesn’t it? The dictionary defines sacrilegious as an outrage on consecrated person or thing. Does sacrilegious mean anything to you? Ha! I can almost taste the beads of sweat dripping off your palms… Yes, I’m on to you sonny Jim. Last Wednesday my crystal balls filled with creamy mist and alerted me to your sacrilegious antics. You thought nobody could see you when you relieved yourself on a grave stone... well, you were wrong. VIRGO - Aug. 24 - Sept. 23 Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly tramp. You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, come Wednesday. I won’t go into to too much detail, as it may spoil the moment for you, but I never knew a stapler could cause THAT kind of reaction! You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without ejaculating. Lucky condom brand: Trojan.
Swydd/Job:
Team Members
Swydd/Job:
P/T Cust Service Advisors x 10
Ardal/Area:
Llanishen, Cardiff
Ardal/Area:
Central Cardiff
Tal/Wage:
From £5.50 per hour
Tal/Wage:
Up to £14,925 pro rata
Oriau/Hours:
Various shifts available
Oriau/Hours:
Evenings and Saturdays
Parhad/Duration: Start date 23/03/06
Parhad/Duration: Ongoing
Manylion/Details: Children’s activity centre is look-
Manylion/Details: Part time customer service advi-
ing for personable team mem-
sors with excellent communica
bers to promote a culture that
tion skills required to contact
offers quality service. Must like
customers. Hours Thu/Fri 4-8pm
children.
& Sat 9am-4.30pm.
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
094
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
091
Swydd/Job:
Fundraisers
Swydd/Job:
Bartenders & Waiting Staff x 30
Ardal/Area:
Cardiff
Ardal/Area:
Central Cardiff
Tal/Wage:
£7.80/hour plus bonus scheme
Tal/Wage:
£5.05-£5.50 per hour
Oriau/Hours:
Minimum of 3 shifts per week
Oriau/Hours:
Flexible hours
Parhad/Duration: Ongoing
Parhad/Duration: Ongoing
Manylion/Details: Teams of door to door charity
Manylion/Details: Independent café bar requires
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
fundraisers required. You should
bright, energetic people with an
be confident & lively, preferably
eye for detail & a passion for
with sales exp. Mon-Fri 3.30-
fabulous customer service. No
9pm, Sat 12.30-6pm. Min 3
exp necessary as training pro
shifts/week.
vided.
095
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
097
UNISTAFF JOBSHOP is a great FREE service for students. We are here to help you find part-time work while you study. Work is available within the University and Students' Union as well as with local companies. You can choose from one-off assignments or more regular part-time work. Once registered with us, you will receive regular free updates of new vacancies as they come in via email. The Jobshop is based on the ground floor of the Students' Union (opening hours 10am-4pm Monday-Friday). Telephone: 029 20781535, Email: jobshop@cf.ac.uk
Car Owner Drivers Required
Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza! Call Andrew on 02920 229977 for more information.
Deloitte IMG
March 20 2006
Page 33
weloveimg@gairrhydd.com
THE FULL IMG BREAKFAST DELOITTE IMG NETBALL TABLES IMG Netball
Premiership P
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
7
7
0
0
95
21
1
Cardiff A
2
Carbs A
7
6
0
1
41
18
3
Socsi A
7
5
0
2
36
15
4
Cardiff B
7
3
1
3
-2
10
5
Law B
7
2
0
5
-21
6
6
Stringfellows A
7
2
0
5
-40
6
7
SAWSA
7
1
1
5
-59
4
8
Medics A **
7
1
0
6
-77
-3
IMG Netball
Division One P
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
1
Law A
6
6
0
0
63
18
2
Pharmacy A
6
4
1
2
20
13
3
Economics
6
4
0
2
30
12
4
Carbs B
6
3
1
2
15
10
5
English Soc
6
2
0
4
4
6
6
Chem Soc
6
2
0
4
-24
6
7
Dynamo Tigers
6
2
0
4
-25
6
8
German Soc
6
0
0
6
-85
0
IMG Netball
Division Two
PLEASE NOTE: LAST WEEK’S FOOTBALL WAS POSTPONED DUE TO WATERLOGGED PITCHES Take note of the fixtures below. Matches continue as normal on Wednesday and the postponed games will be played at the end of Phase 2.
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
6
6
0
0
67
18
1
Stringfellows B
2
Pharmacy B
6
4
0
2
38
12
3
Socsi B
6
3
1
2
27
10
4
Christ Union
6
3
0
3
32
9
Wed 22 Mar
Fixtures- Sat 18 Mar Christ Union Socsi B Pharmacy B Medics B
v v v v
Gym Gym S’fellows B Engin Girls Optometry
Results- Wed 15 Mar Socsi A 14 Medics A 8 Cardiff B 11 SAWSA 5
-
11 17 12 19
Law B S’fellows A Carbs A Cardiff A
Law A 15 Economics 8 Pharmacy A 15 Chem Soc 6
-
1 German Soc 12 Carbs B 5 English Soc 7 Dynamo Tig.
Carbs Locomotive Cardiff Uni Law A
v v v v
Pharm AC Arse’Alona Chem Soc Economics
History Law B Zoology Automotive
v v v v
Hurricanes Ab. Fantastic Dragons Gym Gym
English Soc JOMEC AFC Euros Psycho Ath.
v v v v
AFC Momed Dynamo Cen. Myg Myg Real Havana
Euros Lang Dental Utd Japsoc Real Madras
v v v v
Plan’kos Architecture Inter Me-Nan AFC Cathays
IMG Football
Premiership P
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
2
0
0
4
6
1
Arse’Alona
2
2
Carbs
2
2
0
0
2
6
3
Locomotive
2
1
0
1
1
3
4
Economics
2
1
0
1
0
3
5
Chem Soc
2
1
0
1
-2
3
6
Cardiff Uni
2
0
1
1
-1
1
7
Law A
2
0
1
1
-2
1
8
Pharm AC
2
0
0
2
-2
0
IMG Football
Division One P
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
1
History
2
2
0
0
6
6
2
Ab. Fantastic
2
2
0
0
5
6
NETBALL NATTER
3
Gym Gym
2
1
0
1
7
3
4
Law B
2
1
0
1
1
3
5
Zoology
2
1
0
1
-2
3
The Full IMG Breakfast catches up with three delighted captains after their teams achieved title success
6
Dragons
2
1
0
1
-7
3
7
Automotive
2
0
0
2
-5
0
8
Hurricanes
2
0
0
2
-5
0
Premiership CHAMPIONS: Cardiff A.
P
IMG Football Fixtures
IMG Netball
DELOITTE IMG FOOTBALL ROUND 2
CAPTAIN: Immacolata Stone
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT WINNING THE TITLE? “We’re really happy about winning the Premiership. We had to work a lot harder this year to retain the title- it felt better this time”. WHICH GAME THIS SEASON WAS MOST MEMORABLE? “Carbs A and Socsi A in Phase 2 were tough games. The Socsi A game was special because we played well in front of a big crowd”.
IMG Football
Division Two P
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
2
0
0
7
6
1
AFC Momed
2
2
English Soc
2
2
0
0
4
6
3
AFC Euros
2
1
0
1
2
3
4
Real Havana
2
1
0
0
1
3
5
Dynamo Cen.
2
1
0
1
0
3
6
JOMEC
2
0
1
1
-1
1
5
Engin Girls
6
3
0
3
23
9
6
Optometry
6
2
1
3
-39
7
7
Gym Gym **
6
1
0
5
-63
-6
7
Psycho Ath.
2
0
0
1
-1
1
8
Medics B ****
6
1
0
5
-86
-9
8
Myg Myg
2
0
0
2
-8
0
IMG RUGBY TABLE IMG Rugby
(5/3/06) P
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
5
5
0
0
202
15
1
Carbs 1
2
Masts
5
4
1
0
111
13
3
Engin
6
4
0
2
39
12
4
Carbs 2
6
3
1
2
-64
10
5
Stoma
6
3
0
3
38
9
6
Pharmacy
5
2
1
2
15
7
7
SAWSA
7
2
1
4
3
7
8
Gym Gym
5
2
0
3
-37
6
9
Medics
6
1
0
5
-188
3
10
Law
4
0
0
4
-92
0
IMG Rugby Results
IMG Rugby Fixtures
RESULTS WILL APPEAR HERE WHEN THEY BECOME AVAILABLE. RUGBY MATCHES ON WEDNESDAY WERE POSTPONED.
THERE ARE NO FIXTURES IN PRINT THIS WEEK DUE TO REASONS BEYOND OUR CONTROL. SEE PATRICK FOR MORE INFORMATION. SORRY.
HOW ARE YOU PLANNING TO CELEBRATE? “We are planning to celebrate this Wednesday in Rubber Duck”.
Division One CHAMPIONS: Law A
CAPTAIN: Beth Heley
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT WINNING THE TITLE? “We’re very pleased about winning the title. The matches were enjoyable and the standard of IMG Netball has certainly gone up.” WHICH GAME THIS SEASON WAS MOST MEMORABLE? “The most memorable game was against Carbs A in Phase 1. It was a very tense match and we won by a small margin.” HOW ARE YOU PLANNING TO CELEBRATE? “We went to the Law Ball last week and we are all going to the IMG Ball in May”.
Division Two CHAMPIONS: S’fellows B
CAPTAIN: Aimee Hetherington
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT WINNING THE TITLE? “We’re obviously pleased to win a title, considering we’re a new team. It’s great to win Division Two in our first year”.
IMG Football
Division Three P
W
D
L
Diff
Pts
2
0
0
4
6
1
Euros Lang
2
2
Architecture
2
1
1
0
1
4
3
Plan’kos
2
1
0
1
3
3
4
Japsoc
2
1
0
1
2
3
5
Real Madras
2
1
0
1
-1
3
6
AFC Cathays
2
0
2
0
0
2
7
Inter Me-Nan
2
0
1
1
-4
1
8
Dental Utd
2
0
0
2
-5
0
AHEAD OF THE GAME
FOOTBALL:
English Soc v Momed could be the game to watch. As both teams currently have six points, this Division Two match should be tight and tense with everything to play for. Elsewhere, in Division Three, Euros Languages will be under pressure to maintain their 100% Phase 2 record against 3rd placed Plan’kos.
NETBALL: As the IMG Netball season draws to a close, there are
WHICH GAME THIS SEASON WAS MOST MEMORABLE? “Pharmacy B in Phase 2, a crunch match. We were losing the game with five minutes left and we did brilliantly to come back and win”.
still a few scores to be settled in Division Two. The one to watch could be Socsi B v S’fellows B. Socsi B are fighting for second place, whereas Stringellows B are going for seven straight Phase 2 wins.
HOW ARE YOU PLANNING TO CELEBRATE? “A big social this Wednesday followed by a night in Rubber Duck.
ANY QUERIES, ANY PROBLEMS EMAIL weloveimg@gairrhydd.com
Sport
Page 34
March 20 2006
sport@gairrhydd.com
Charity Match
BOXING CLEVER The gair rhydd talks injuries, knockout punches and fighting in Dublin with Cardiff’s biggest student boxing sensation Joseph Hylton
By Daniel Coe Kickboxing Reporter
By Tim Lewis Sport Editor
FOR THE SECOND YEAR running the Cardiff University Kickboxing Club held its own inhouse tournament in aid of Cancer Research. Members of the club had been in training for weeks for the light-continuous competition. There were four categories: male advanced, male beginner, female advanced and female beginner, with first and second place in each category. The winners and runner-ups were: Female Beginner 1st Joss Sommerville, 2nd Heather Sykes. Female advanced: 1st Anna Owen, 2nd Jen Trickey. Male Beginner: 1st Chris Thomas, 2nd Tom Brand. Male Advanced: 1st Rich Hewett, 2nd Sam Gubb. Without knowing who was matched against who until the day of the competition, the anticipation was high. Big was pitted against little and speed against power. There were sweeps, flying kicks, punches and double turning kicks in almost every match, the action was intense and a fantastic competition to watch. With only one injury on the day, the broken little toe of Kayleigh Borrow, all the competitors came through unscathed. All who participated were sponsored to compete and those who came to watch, over thirty, donated a sizeable amount of money towards Cancer Research. As well as the tournament there was a raffle with prizes ranging from a full kickboxing kit in the winners size to bottles of wine, again with all proceeds going to charity. The organisers of the tournament, Andrew White and Daniel Coe were both very happy with how the day went, highlighting the skill level of the university’s kickboxers. “We were very pleased with the turnout of those who came to watch and the generosity of those involved. Overall a great day and a good deal of money raised for charity,” said White as the tournament finished. On the day £163 was raised from donations and raffle money alone, with at least three times that amount expected when all the sponsorship money is collected.
CARDIFF HEAVYWEIGHT boxer Joseph Hylton has completed a magnificent double of university tournament wins in Dublin earlier this month despite suffering a partially dislocated shoulder in the final. Hylton, a second year physiotherapy student, added the title of British and Irish University Champion to the British University Championship he won in December. He began boxing five years ago and at 6ft 3in and 86kg he is perfectly built for the university heavyweight division. “I had done a lot of kickboxing and martial arts before, so always had an interest from an early age,” says Joseph. At home Joseph trains at Braunstone ABC in Leicester and is coached by former World Champion Chris Pyatt. “Chris is fantastic,” says Hylton, “He looks at every fighter individually and works out what is best for their style. The training is great and even when he can’t be with me for a fight I know what he would be saying to help me.”
FIERCE: Great to watch
WORK: Physio by day
“I just want to carry on boxing and see how good I can get”
Joseph Hylton on his plans for the future
In Cardiff he trains at St. Joseph’s gym under the guidance of Gareth Powell and Paul Clarke and says they have played a big part in his success. In December Hylton took part in the British University Championship held
BIG PUNCH: Knock-out blow at Talybont. “I was expecting it to be in Coventry or Glasgow. But when I found out it was in Cardiff I took it as a sign,” he explains. Complications during the weekend meant that it ended in a straight final between Hylton and Jamie Thomas representing Leeds University. It didn’t take long for Hylton to prove his ability, destroying Thomas in the first round. He says: “I took my time to get into the fight, but I then started to relax and began to wear him down. “He got quite tired and then managed to catch him with a hard right hand and put him down.” The win was ideal preparation for the British and Irish Universities event
in March: the Irish boxers provide a step up in quality from the British Championships. “A lot of the Irish guys tend to be boxing from a young age so they can really fight,” says Hylton. There were disputes over the venue and at one point it seemed like the tournament would not go ahead. Hylton was relieved when it was announced the tournament was to be held at the National Boxing Arena in Dublin. He praises the AU for their support: “The AU were brilliant, they sorted out all my flights and accommodation over there and it really helped.” Despite undertaking a full-time degree, he trained six days a week in preperation for his second tournament of the year. “It was quite difficult to fit the training in around my course, we are in 9-5 everyday and it is very intense. “Usually I would have to get up really early in the morning to go running or swimming, I would be training six days a week and three of those would be working on my boxing,” he says. After knocking his opponent out in the semi-final, Hylton was the underdog going into the final against Kevin Reed of the University of Cork. “I was a bit cautious of him, I just knew I had to take my time and not rush things,” he says, “I wouldn’t say I get scared but I definitely get nervous. It’s a nervous excitement that flows through you.” Everything seemed to be going to plan in the first round as Hylton began to take control of the fight. As the end of the first round approached, a screwed left jab from Hylton caused his shoulder to partially dislocate. “My shoulder popped out and I was desperately trying to get it back in, the referee gave me an eight count which I was quite grateful for because other-
wise I wouldn’t have been able to get it back in,” he says. “I stupidly carried on when being a physio I know I should have stopped,” he says. The fight continued into the second round but the injury reoccurred within two minutes of the restart. “The doctor came over and tried to put it back in, he couldn’t get it back in for ages but just as the fight was about to be stopped it slipped back in.” “I knew I had to stop Reed because he was going to be coming after me, I could see him in his corner getting all excited.” “It was in the back of my mind that I had come all this way and I didn’t want to lose by an injury.”
“My shoulder popped out and I was desperately trying to get it back in, the ref gave me an eight count”
Joseph Hylton on his injury in the second round
Although in a great deal of pain he rufused to throw in the towel. Even with his obvious disadvantage he proved far too strong for his Irish opponent, “I waited for him to come at me, missed with a few before landing a hard right hand and knocked him out,” he says. He has big plans for the future, “I just want to carry on boxing and see how good I can get.” “I am really enjoying my physiotherapy course at the moment and maybe in the future I could combine the two.” “I am lucky that I have great friends and family who have supported me and a lot of thanks must go to them.”
Sport
March 20 2006
Page 35
sport@gairrhydd.com
COURT OUT Bath Ladies’ Netball.........47 Cardiff Ladies’ Netball......43 CARDIFF NETBALLERS narrowly missed out on a place in the BUSA semi-finals after a gallant performance against reigning champions Bath. Bath dominated the match from the very beginning, using their experience to gain a 10-3 lead. Cardiff fought back thanks to some superb spatial awareness from wing-attack Philippa Turner. The first quarter ended with Bath in front 14-8. Bath continued to stretch their lead, pulling the gap to nine goals at the start of the second quarter. An unfortunate injury caused Cardiff to reshape their line up with defenders Sam Lyons and Rebecca Oatley swapping positions at goal-defence and goalkeeper. This seemed to spur Cardiff on and flying interceptions from both Lyons and Oatley enabled Cardiff to fight back to within three goals at half time. The first half ended 24-21, giving Cardiff an excellent chance of a second half comeback. Both sides showed their skill and flair in the third quarter with some great moves. Shooters Sophie Vaughn and Rosie Buse combined fluidly to
keep Cardiff in the game. The quarter ended 37-34. Cardiff’s defence of Kirsty Smith, Sam Lyons and Rebecca Oatley continued to shine making brilliant interceptions. Cardiff created a run of form scoring three goals in quick succession, only to be interrupted by Bath calling a time-out. Cardiff did not let this get to them and managed to pull the game level at 42-42.
CARDIFF: Very unlucky
Tee total
By James Millard Golf Reporter
Bath Men’s golf ...............3 Cardiff Men’s golf.............3 GOLF CONTINUES to be one of the most over achieving teams in Cardiff University. The golf 1st team progressed to the quarter finals of the BUSA knockouts after beating an impressive Bath side in a nail biting sudden death play off. Played at Bath Golf Club, the match was heavily in Bath’s favour, considering the course is situated right next to the university’s hall of residence. An overnight storm saturated the course and forced the club’s green keepers to stage the match off temporary greens, which were up to five times smaller than the proper ones.
This meant accurate iron play was placed at a premium. Out first for Cardiff, Elliot Shaw met the Somerset senior Adam Meads who beat Shaw 1 up. After a poor start which left him five down after five holes, Shaw took the game right to the wire birdying
six out of the closing 11 holes. Billy Hemstock then drew Cardiff level with a 2/1 victory. Hemstock’s opponent hit his ball out of bounds and then failed to save par on the seventeenth hole, gifting the Cardiff man an important point. With both sides recording points in the third and fourth games, the match hung in the balance at 2-2. After Bath claimed the fifth match, Cardiff required a point to extend the match further. Dave Thomas responded fiercely with a good par on the eighteenth and when his opponent three putted the match was tied three a piece. Each team then had to nominate a player to compete in a sudden death playoff. Hemstock, who has been in some good form recently, stepped forward to face Ross Jones who plays off a handicap of plus two. With neither player seeming to want victory in the opening two holes, Jones holed an outrageous par putt from 30 feet to secure a half meaning play would go on to a fourth extra hole. Hemstock, who had been playing the better of the two, followed his drive with a solid nine iron to within twenty feet of the cup. Underpressure from an ever increasing crowd, Hemstock holed the snaky putt for an amazing win. Cardiff will now face Birmingham University at Little Aston golf club for a place in the BUSA Championship finals at Woodhall Spa.
By Charlene Hellsten Basketball Reporter Cambridge ladies’...........45 Cardiff ladies’ .................37 THE FINAL of the BUSA trophy brought Cardiff a tough opposition that they just couldn’t break down ending the game eight points down. With the Captain Charlene Hellsten back playing after injury and the team’s coach absent, Cardiff lacked strong leadership from the bench. This was evident on court as the team struggled to show a strong performance. Cambridge are one of the strongest ladies’ basketball teams in BUSA and started the game as favourites. Cambridge started the game with a strong full court defence leaving Cardiff, relying on long passes to get over the half way line. This gave Cambridge the lead through turnover points made by easy lay-ups. With a low scoring first quarter of 12 – 8 to Cambridge, Cardiff kept their heads high and showed strong hustles on the key leaving Cambridge in violation of the 24 second shot clock on numerous occasions. Cardiff relied on fast breaks and drives to the basket to rack up some
Princess Will By George Pawley Sport Reporter Cardiff Ladies’ Hockey.........4 Birmingham Ladies’ 2nds....2 A FIRST HALF HAT-TRICK from Amelia Williams gave Cardiff Women’s 1sts a commanding lead in the BUSA Hockey Trophy semifinal at Talybont. The three goals from Williams saw Cardiff take a deserved lead at the half way stage and set up the win . The home side were up within two minutes as a short corner was played to Donna McCormack, whose shot was tucked in at the far post for a dream start. Cardiff’s second short corner brought their second goal, after Birmingham had stolen a scrappy equaliser. This time, a clever McCormack dummy tricked the opposition defence and in similar style to the first, Williams was able to knock the ball
over the line from close range. Cardiff ended the half in perfect style as their quality in possession was turned into a 3 - 1 lead. An incisive break from Tamara Fateh set Amelia Williams through to convert her hat-trick, as she angled her run from the right-wing and slotted the ball past the advancing ‘keeper. However, an excellent solo goal from Tamara Fateh put pay to any hopes of a recovery shortly after the interval. A short corner, from which Cardiff had been profiting from all game, was hit to Fateh, whose skill and control took out two Birmingham defenders before she cracked home a fizzing angled drive making the score 4-1. Birmingham pulled one goal back with half an hour left giving them the slightest glimmer of hope. Skipper Becky Wheeler commented; “very proud of all my players and now we can look forward to the final next week.” PHOTO: James Perou
“Each team had to nominate a player to compete in sudden death play-off holes. Hemstock stepped up”
Captain Carys Jenkins was inspirational as she encouraged her team and fought for every ball. Unfortunately, Cardiff again fell behind and the game finished 47-43. Captain Jenkins was obviously disappointed with the result but took positives from the game. She said, “It was a brilliant performance by all our players. The work rate was outstanding. I am confident that we will come back stronger next year.”
PHOTO: Clare Gilliand
By Clare Gilliland Netball Reporter
Slam Dunk
CARDIFF: Comfortably through
points taking the lead for a short while in the second period. Emma Gough took the authority at half time with some encouragement for the team. This lifted spirits for a short while as defence remained strong, yet both teams failed to score until deep into the third quarter. With foul trouble occurring for Cambridge in the fourth quarter Cardiff failed to take full advantage and came away losing one of their own players. Consistent shooting from the impressive Ellie Price managed to claw back some valuable points for a determined Cardiff side. Rebounding was left to Price and Jenna Roe who struggled against the height advantage of Cambridge’s two forwards. The end of the fourth quarter brought an extremely close game until Cardiff began to lose their shape and passion. This allowed the opposition to build a slender lead and eventually gave Cambridge victory. The low score of the game reflects the excellent defence played by both teams and leaves Cardiff with hope for future tournaments. Cardiff now head into the Welsh cup with aspirations of victory after a tremendously successful season.
Blues for the twos By Sean Price Sport Reporter Brunel Netball 2nds ......39 Cardiff Netball 2nds ......29 AFTER DEFEATING a very competent Bath side in their previous outing, Cardiff headed to Brunel for the quarter final of the BUSA plate competition with high hopes. However, the travelling and unfamiliar surroundings proved initially distracting as Brunel gained an early lead. As the match wore on, Cardiff wiped out the home advantage as both sides wrestled for control of the encounter. Shooters Katy Smith and Sophie Davies proved to be on form on the day as they kept the scoreboard ticking over. Brunel though, proved that they were equally as potent in attack and made the tireless defensive partnership of Ros Parker and Lucy Monk work hard to keep them at bay. Despite their valiant efforts, Cardiff eventually succumbed to the superior athleticism of their opponents and slipped away in the last quarter, allowing Brunel to gain a hard fought, if slightly flattering, ten goal victory.
BOXING:
Exclusive Joseph Hylton interview
Page 34
NETBALL:
IMG and BUSA Coverage
PLUS:
Kickboxing and Hockey
Pages 33 & 35
Pages 34 & 35
gair rhydd
Sport By Toan Ravenscroft Football Reporter Cardiff 1sts..........................2 Southampton Solent.............1 CARDIFF BOOKED their place in the BUSA semi-finals after securing a 21 victory over Southampton Solent at Llanrumney. Following a delayed start, Solent were never in contention throughout the first half as Cardiff seemed to ooze quality. Cardiff’s midfield players dominated the midfield and created numerous chances for the ever-impressive James Cain and Eifion Roberts. One Cardiff move, spanning 70 yards, easily sliced the Solent defence open. The visitors failed to cope with the slick, one-touch football being played by the hosts. Cardiff continued to pile on the pressure and they were almost rewarded shortly afterwards. Cain directed a deft chip marginally wide following an immaculate first touch. However, the inevitable goal soon arrived. After a break down the right involving Ross Herrick, Alberto Gonzalez and Roberts were inadequately dealt with, Ravenscroft drove home through the legs of the keeper. Cardiff never looked back and continued to create chance after chance in the first 45 minutes. Crucially, they failed to extend their lead and the score remained 1-0 at the interval. However, a revitalised Solent emerged for the second half. In the 62nd minute, an inswinging Solent corner caused trouble in Cardiff’s six-yard box. An equaliser was converted off a striker’s chest, providing the visitors with much needed hope. However Cardiff did not wallow in misery and swiftly restored their lead in the 70th minute as Stairmand was bustled over in the box. Lucas duly converted this gilt-edged opportunity as he fired home to give Cardiff a 2-1 lead and their first real view of the semi-finals. Solent rang the changes, ending with a five-man attack and the keeper patrolling the halfway line, but Cardiff stayed strong and the introduction of Dom Connor kept the pressure up. “It was a great team performance,” said Mark Lucas. “It wasn’t about individual stars. I think we’re getting better and better all the time and I am looking forward to Wednesday’s game” He finished by thanking the fans and calling upon any interested supporters to come down to Llanrumney on Wednesday at 2pm, as Cardiff face an unbeaten Worcester side at home in the semi-finals. GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF UNIVERSITY ■ ELECTIONS LA LA LA ■ CHEESE: “THATS THE LAST TIME I TAKE MY TROUSERS OFF IN THE OFFICE” ■ MENON AND AU VICE THE UNLIKELY COUPLE? ■ MENON: “I WAS DRUNK AND IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO” ■ NEWS IN PRO PLUS FIT ■ NEWS EDITOR IN PENIS SHOCKER - “THEY CAN SUCK MY COCK” ■ OFFICE DECIMATED AS ELECTIONS TAKE THEIR TOLL ■ MICKEL GETS READY TO TAKE ON THE SURVIVORS ■ TV WILLY IMPRESSES NEWS MONKEYS BY BURPING AND SCRATCHING BALLS