Quench - Issue 24 by Cardiff Student Media

D O N ’ T PA N I C QUENCH GET A HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY

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W I T H M A R T I N F R E E M A N , B I L L N I G H Y, S A M R O C K W E L L A N D D I R E C T O R G A RT H J E N N I N G S

M O T L E Y C R U E G I V E U S A L E S S O N I N R AW K PLUS - KAISER CHIEFS LIVE - KINGDOM OF HEAVEN - SEXY FOODS - THE CAFFEINE CRAWL

Contents Quench Cardiff University

05 06 07 08 17 18 22 32 36 42 44 48 50 52 53 55

quench@gairrhydd.com

Best Student Publication 2005

Best Student Magazine Runner Up 2004

Geordie is a Tosser in OTP Debate decides the fate of the Royals Mr Chuffy: The world’s his lobster... Interviews: Six pints of bitter, please... Which Simpsons character is Gay? Features: Cocaine Killed my Community Fashion: Bored of the Beckhams Music: Download competition! Film are turning into a penguin. Stop it. Digital: Jade’s Empire? No thanks, Love. Books: Owen Sheers. No sheep jokes here. Going Out: Big G on pure caffienated bliss Food: Afro. Dizzy. Yaks Cult Classics: Is it ok to like Bis? Televizzle: Sore Tatiana’s and an aching Brunt Bastian Springs: Smoky Akon crisps

Executive editor Gary Andrews Quench editor James Anthony

Monkey editor Will Dean Assisitant to editor Elaine Morgan Arts Debbie Green, Natalie Slater Blind Date Lisa O’Brien Books Kerry-Lynne Doyle, James Skinner Columnists Bastian Springs, Katie Brunt Cult Classics Catherine Gee Debate Bethany Whiteside Digital Simeon Rosser-Trokas Fashion Perri Lewis Features Emma Langley, Hannah Perry Film Craig Driver, Alan Woolley, Catherine Gee Food Mari Ropstad Gay Ian Loynd Going Out Dave Adams Interviews Will Dean, Xandria Horton Mr Chuffy Himself Music Sam Coare, Jon Davies One Trick Pony Geordie Photography Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson Travel Sarah Cummins, Laura Tovey Contributors Dan Ridler, Carly Sharples, Nik Thakkar, Rick Pearson, Tom Dynes, Kaisa Pankakoski, Ruth Mansfield, Charlotte Howells, Clare Hooker, James Woodroof, Harold Shiel, David Sutheran, Tom Brookes, Colm Loughlin, Jimi Williams, Ewen Hosie, Jadine Wringe, Ellen Waddell, Tom Scott, Ryan Owen, Sarah Bayes, Cecilia Cran, Kim O’Connor, Jade Empire, Gemma Ellis, Claire Bonham, Will Shmit, Mark kelly Photographers and illustrators John Briggs, Gemma Green, Charlotte Harries, Proof readers Empress Alys Southwood, Kim O’Connor, Sarah Cummins, Rachel Browne, Bethany Whiteside, Chris White Cover design Will Dean, James Anthony Thought of the week: Don’t tell the folks at Good Morning Wales you listened to the Today programme, live on air. Oh you did already?

Quench 09 05 05

QED IN OXFORD this week, the United Kingdom’s future lawyers, politicians and high court judges launched themselves from Magdalen Bridge into the River Cherwell, severally breaking legs, ankles, ribs, a neck, and some even incurring spinal damage. Apparently, many gave themselves severe lacerations as well, since the Cherwell is full of rubbish (read: trolleys, syringes and shattered glass). All this in aid of annual Oxford University May Day celebrations. I’m not a pagan, nor a Satanist or a free-love spiritualist with a penchant for showing physical appreciation for trees. Neither am I a rich ‘rah-rah’ student with more money than depth perception. But I was exposed to The Wicker Man as a child, which aside from giving me a fixation with Britt Ekland’s pert behind, gave me a morbid fear of evil pagan hippies. This put the willies up me at Glastonbury in later years. Not the new, Diet Glastonbury With Added Middle-Class, but the proper oldschool Glastonbury with reeking hippies who would walk through blazing sulphur and brimstone just to get to a poi display or face-painting teepee. I’m sure those kind of individuals burn policemen. The upshot of this is that I have no idea how I’m supposed to celebrate May Day, or indeed, what it is that I am celebrating. If The Wicker Man is to be believed, I need to find a rabbit, stick it in an old primary school desk and be sexually assaulted by a rotund ginger barmaid with a ruddy face. Then, I need to talk a hermit into selling me his part of the beach. Actually, that may have been Local Hero. Which one was Mark Knopfler in? I do know how May Day is not celebrated. It is not celebrated by jumping off a 20ft bridge into two feet of tepid water. That kind of behaviour makes hiding a rabbit in a desk look like proving Bosonic string theory using Lego. Oxford Uni probably do a degree in that as well, but only if you’re parents are well-heeled Freemasons.

One Trick Pony

Quench 09 05 05

(Overrated) ( TV polls ) Top 100 comedy sketches, top 100 worst songs, top 50 albums, top 20 randomly-selected ‘TV personality’ judges that aren’t as funny as they think they are and wind up trying to tell me what I should/shouldn’t be listening to/watching/laughing at. If most of these were voted for by the viewers I wouldn’t have such a problem with them, but they aren’t. The ‘top’ of whatever category they deal with is decided by a panel of supposed experts, and leaves no accounting for the viewers’ own taste. The message is clear: ‘This is the best film/20th worst song". I happen to like The Shaman’s Ebeneezer Goode, thanks. Don’t tell me it’s shit. It’s lazy, unimaginative programming only appreciated by idiots, and the we’d be better off without it. Jackass, Dirty Sánchez and now Kenny vs Spenny. I’m sure they all spawned from somebody who saw You’ve Been Framed, or its US equivalent, and missed the point entirely. The latter is actually funny, chiefly because it’s accidental, and other people’s mishaps are inherently hilarious. We’ve all been laughing at the misfortune of others since the dawn of civilisation; Germans call it Schadenfreude. Jackass-type shows, on the other hand, are people deliberately creating situations in which they’re likely to hurt themselves. That’s not funny TV, it’s just foolish. As for Dirty Sánchez, grown men stapling their own bollocks isn’t funny either, it is in fact puerile. There is an exception: Takeshi’s Castle – the contestants know that they’re liable to twat their head off a rock, but the element of chance is retained, thus bringing back the laughs.

( Jackass-ism )

(Underrated) ( Sleep ) Consider this an offical retraction of everything I said in ‘overrated’ at the start of the year. Sleep is precious. Since we’re at the end of the year and work is piling up like a complete bastard, it’s getting rarer and rarer. This is partially due to spending Friday nights slaving away until the wee hours, only to get up for a Saturday day school early the following morning. Maybe this is just grumpy-fourth-year talk, but I miss my lie-ins. To ensure a decent night’s kip the following items are required: a decent set of earplugs, copious quantities of whisky and beer, and an anti-aircraft missile, something like a Stinger would work. An anti-aircraft missile? Yes indeed. To deal with the cunting police helicopter that’s been hovering over an adjacent street for last hour, at 5am. Or maybe better earplugs. It may not be underrated in its ability to avoid having to shit out of a window into the street and avoid nasty diseases and what have you, that’s pretty much a given, but it’s also an excellent thinking spot. It’s the best, sometimes the only place to catch up on some reading and the perfect location for a bit of quiet time. Most of my Archimeded-esque ‘eureka’ moments have come in the little boys’ room (without help from any of the little boys). For every single uniwork-related problem this year, a resolution has sprung fully formed into my brain from the comfort of the lav. Einstein used to spend most of time staring out of his flat’s window. Not wanting to knock his achievments, but if he’d spent more time in his bathroom he might have found the questions to his answers. ( The Toilet )

One Trick Pony

( L e g e n d )

hen the Three Little Pigs decided to forgo their local construction industry, choosing instead to build their own houses, they chose as their basic materials straw, sticks and bricks. Though unknown to them, they had another option: litter. ‘Peter’, from New York, fed up with his humdrum existence, chose to live on the streets. Instead of sitting in a shop doorway getting mindlessly pissed, occasionally muttering something about ‘spare change’ he has constructed a shelter in an abandoned part of the city, made of out coke crates and an advertising hoarding, and he earns a living collecting recyclable materials that have been discarded by the local people.

I’m sure that, if his principal source of income ever dries up he could write a book called ‘Interior Design for Weirdoes’ – his pad has a properly decorated interior, complete with shelving unit, and art on the walls. Well, it’s actually a Heineken advert, but it’s better than nothing. I dread to think where he makes toilet, but you’ve got to admire his ingenuity. New York is one of the most culturally and racially diverse cities in the world, and so it’s enturely plausible that Peter is actually descended from Wombles. If this isn’t a shining example of ‘making good use of the things that you find, things that the everyday folk leave behind’, then I don’t know what is.

Peter the Tramp

WOMBLING: free

( T o s s e r )

othing. Not a sausage. Not a single, solitary twatting idea launching itself at my brain. Any inspiration, divine or otherwise, completely lacking. Normally, this is a piece of the proverbial piss to write; the words fall to the screen like dew to the pasture, to paraphrase Pablo Neruda. So many people behave like complete fuckwits that contenders for the Toss Spot are plentiful. That, however, can be a problem. Who to choose? There are so many Tossers in the world, so many deserving of magazine-based derision. So it is that I find myself in the Quench office pondering over my selection, incapable of making a simple decision. I considered Eidur Gudjohnson for his diving antics getting Xabi Alonso

booked in the Chelsea vs. Liverpool first leg, until I was chastised for writing a ‘boy column’. The defence that ‘I have testicles’ didn’t wash. Then I flirted with the idea of a politician, my usual favourites, but it’s a bit easy and obvious during an election period, and you all already know that Michael Howard’s a cunt, you don’t need me to tell you. It eventually transpired that two of my colleagues suggested that I brand myself a Tosser (their respect for me, clearly, is awesome) on account of my severely crippling writer’s block. So here I am. It’s kind of appropriate, since I was my own first Legend (which should really invoke comments along the line of ‘Tosser’ anyway). Things coming full circle and all that shite. And I kick cats. Smile

ME "I have never told a lie" – Tony Bliar, clearly lying.

final thoughts (...)

"Can you imagine another five years of Mr Blair?" – Crap Tory campaign slogan. Yes we can, and it’s better than five years of Howard. Now knob off.

Debate

For Queen or for Country... Should we be grateful or should they be dead? FOR

AGAINST

Bethany Whiteside

Dan Ridler

eople seem to hate the Royals because it’s the thing to do. God forbid should anybody stick up for them and point out the honours of tradition and heritage. It’s most definitely the history student inside that’s led to this defence of the Windsor family. I love the Queen because I’m a sucker for images of children waving Union Jacks, the fact the Royal Family stayed in London during the Blitz, and the anthem Rule Britannia. I love knowing useless but zany facts like how Anne Boleyn, wife of Henry VIII was considered a witch as she had six fingers on her left hand and that John I died after stuffing himself on peaches and cider. Just as their ancestors provide amusement over past eccentrities, so do today’s family, more than ever, provide much needed entertainment in the form of incestual, political and cultural scandal. If nothing else, people like their existence for venting anger and opinions on. Strange as it may seem, the Queen is actually a source of comfort to many. Lying awake, terrified that the BNP will one day rule the masses, it’s good to know that the Queen alone has emergency powers by which she can dispell them and call a General Election. The majority of the British and Commonwealth populations voted to keep the Queen. Where the alternatve appears to be handing more power over to the inevitably ambitious and power-crazed politican, retaining the Queen as figurehead seems a safe bet. Yes, she and her relatives live a life of utter luxury, but they are also more subject to rigid social controls and public criticism than any one else in the UK. In addition, they have to spend every day of their lives smiling and employing polite small talk, pretending to love conversing with snotty nosed children and dull corporate big-wigs. They don’t have a life; they are born into a duty which anyone would be loathe to take up. The Queen is a symbol of national pride, which as a side issue has great repercussions for the economy. “Long live the Queen!” is one caption that has been uttered the world over, and shall continue to be.

family where the parents both have the same grandmother, the children are alcoholic mad dog owning grumpy serial divorcees and the grandchildren are A-level dropout pot smoking morons. That’s the image our Royal Family portrays to the world. I despise the Royal Family because I despise seeing valuble state tax revenue thrown away keeping a bunch of inbred German imbeciles alive and in the lap of luxury. Funds that could pay doctors, funds that could buy school books, funds that could be ploughed into universities. Funds that could do anything other than pay for fancy dress costumes for that little ginger twat Harry. What do they actually do? Wonder around the world in a hap - hazard fashion insulting various far eastern leaders with mindless comments and falling asleep in international presenations. And get wheeled out in various mind numbing events to prove that they’re still alive. Oh, and they go on all expenses paid skiing trips to the finest resorts but still have the nerve to be moody with the press. Oh, I’m sorry Charles, was the champagne too warm for you? Caviar too chewy? Now, for some reason, it doesn’t fill me with the greatest sense of warm fuzziness that the Queen has ultimate powers to dissolve parliament. Why? Because I feel that historical precedent (yep, I do history too) proves that leaving total power to the genetic lottery is an idiotic thing to do. Nobody should have that sort of ultimate power in any country that pertains to be a democracy. The Royals are a waste of space. I somehow doubt anyone decides that they’re going to invest in the UK because of some incontinent fuddy duddy at the top of the chain. Our economy is strong for a million and one reasons, but the Royals are not one of them. I’m not proud of the Queen. I cringe at the sound of our national anthem. Everybody else sings about how wonderful their country is, we sing about an old woman. God save the Queen? Long live the revolution!

Mr Chuffy

lowestformofwit@gr.co.ck

Quench 09 05 05

Mr Chuffy Investigates... The evil catalyst for all violence everywhere in the world and complete opposite to dead pope John Paul II: The media

ranny mugged dead for aubergine… one-eyed donkey burnt in satanic ritual to Blunkett… Muslim cleric beaten with piccolo…Mars Bar stolen in cold light of day. “I’m sorry mummy the media made me do it”. Did it? Did it? DID IT? Well yes, probably. As we enter the next stage of time, the pre-media age is being replaced by the carn-age of the media age. The media, which had previously been held captive in a West Midlands safari park, was accidentally released when it falsely promised zoo keepers that it would “be back in a bit” as was “only popping out to buy a Milky Bar from the Co-op”. Prior to a free media Britain was a Bohemian land of freedom, where banks were made of paper and children were looked at without repercussions. However, left to roam the streets, the media has been causing a whole Chessington World of Adventure of trouble. Only last Tuesday Radio 4 was left with a bloody nose following an unprovoked attack by Blue Peter wielding a paper mache samurai sword prepared earlier. In a pre-meditated retaliation, Radio 4, accompanied by Radio 1, 2, 5 and the classically trained 3 waited round the back of Television Centre for the hit children’s programme to leave and then set upon the show with sticks and a tank. Cast into the Thames, police say Blue Peter would have died if not for a maternal mallard mistaking the show for a lost duckling. Violence in the media is even evident in the Welsh Capital, with unsubstantiated reports of a supermarket brawl between University Media Officer Gary Andrews and celebrity Northern hussy Sara Cox. The dispute, thought to centre upon vests, spilled out into the car park, with a nearby whore and a Peugot 205 damaged in the altercation. The link between violence in the media and all society’s problems are unequivocally explicit. Having watched

controversial Kubrick film Clockwork Orange, Eugene Meatpacker now works in a factory making flannels. “I’ve got a GCSE in home economics and everything”, a disillusioned Meatpacker told Quench. Influence is global-wide, with the outbreak of the Second World War correlating significantly with a particularly unsavoury disagreement involving cardigans in radio soap The Archers and had in fact nothing whatsoever to do with Poland as bearded people have often claimed. The music industry is culpable for loads of stuff, with 90s boy-band 911 thought by wrong people to be the inspiration behind the September 11 terrorist atrocities. The forthcoming release by confectionary namesake rapper Eminem of a CD shaped like a murder has caused massive controversy, with politicians concerned that listeners may attempt to recreate Violated the shape with people. In the States, new-fangled popular music is repeatedly implicated in school shootings. Redneck central Mississippi recently endured such a shooting with blame levelled on evil death metal gothic rockers ‘Monkey See, Monkey Do’. Quench spoke to the assailant’s distraught mother via carrier pigeon. “He was just a normal kid before he started listening to music. He used to love going out and shooting animals. I remember on his 11 birthday when we bought him a bazooka he was so happy. We killed an entire pride of lions that day.” Band lead singer Amarillo Codpiece often wears black and recently moved to an abandoned Auschwitz gas chamber. Public school-educated Codpiece only dates 17 Century absolutist monarchs and has been romantically linked to the rotten corpse of Sun King Louis XIV. The band claimed hit single go on kill everyone in the school,

go on I dare you had been grossly misunderstood, since the song was intended as a sarcastic satirical satire on media interpretation of music. The joke backfired when a mildly discontented vigilante mob burned Codpiece dead on a cross. Still unconvinced? The well clever world of science has confirmed causation between media violence and violence. Perennial teenage crime merchant and no-hoper Derren Offal was removed from juvenile detention by crime boffins who exposed the felon to continual videos of ass beating and face whacking for eight years. Within two days of his release Offal had kicked a pigeon. He missed but had he made contact he would have almost certainly killed the defenceless animal to death. Its guts would have been splashed across the pavement, with the animal flaying around for a few moments of futility until his big criminal feet crushed the bird’s fragile skull. Crime-know-it-alls estimate that within an hour of the killing ritual he would have almost certainly gone on to rape a puffin. The media has bred a society insatiable in its lust for violence. New quiz show Who Wants To be A Yorkshire Ripper? hosted by Keith Harris and Orville will hit our screens in the autumn. Metaphorical media violence is corrupting immeasurably, with Professor of Synonymity and Euphamistics, Rigourmortis Tonk, campaigning against the implicit images of violence in boxing. There is some hope for society, with a new anti-violence movement wielding national influence. Whilst directing motion picture Schindler’s List, Steven Speilberg was under immense pressure to miss out the Holocaust bit and the group has already achieved military success in encouraging Iraq stationed soldiers to use marshmallow bullets in any televised shootings. At present the group are frantically attempting to re-catch the media with a giant net and return the delinquent medium to captivity, saving literally no lives at all.

Interviews

interviews@gairrhydd.com

Mötley G N I * F** Crüe Mötley Crüe returned in 2005 after a decade away from rock decadence. Sam Coare was on hand to bear the brunt of vocalist Vince Neil

f Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee embody the appeal of rock ‘n’ roll, with their highly documented tales of drink, drugs and women, then the story of Vince Neil taints the Mötley story in tragedy. Having been with the band since its formation in 1981, Vince has unceremoniously quit (or been fired, depending on who you speak to) no less than twice, served 30 days in jail and paid out over $2.6 million in compensation for his part in the drunken car crash that killed Hanoi Rock’s drummer Razzle, and tragically lost a daughter at the tender age of four. There certainly isn’t a quiet chapter in the Mötley Crüe story to be found. Why, therefore, do I find it surprising that after some ten phone calls to various hotels, tour managers and personal assistants across Denver, Colorado, there’s still no word from Vince. This is, after all, the band who infamously cancelled a European tour

due to ‘Snow on the rooftops’ following the death of bassist and song writer Nikki Sixx from a heroin overdose. In true Crüe style, Sixx was brought back to life, thanking his medical staff with a big “Fuck You”. After an hour of trying, I finally reach Vince, bemoaning the Colorado weather. "It’s cold, cold and snowing. It’s warm everywhere else in the country but here". The explosive entity that is Mötley Crüe formed in the early 1980s, and across their twenty five year history have battled addiction, relationship break-ups, illness, injury and death. It speaks volumes to say that the band are lucky to be here today. Having not just survived, the band are back rereleasing expanded versions of their back catalogue along with a revamped greatest hits compilation, which as Neil explains, has already gone platinum and double-platinum in the US and Canada respectively.

Mötley Crüe: Clockwise from left Tommy Lee, Mick Mars, Vince Neil, Nikki Sixx

Currently on the US leg of their Red, White and Crüe tour, the original lineup has been put back together for the umpteenth time. "It [reforming] actually came from Europe," explains Vince. "Promoters were seeing who fans really wanted to see, and Mötley Crüe kept coming up. It happened at a time where I was just finishing a tour (promoting his solo work), Nikki was finishing a tour (with side-project Brides of Destruction) and Mick (Mars, the Crüe’s guitarist) was getting better. It was at a time where we could all actually commit to 100% Mötley Crüe and not have anything else going on”. Given the well documented interband disputes that have been running almost as long as the band, the reformation came as a surprise to many. Not to Vince, however. "Was I sur-

Quench 09 05 05 prised? Well, I dunno, I guess I was in a way. Like I said, we all had different things going on. I wasn’t ready to commit to the band as everyone else wasn’t 100% either. I didn’t wanna do this if, in a month’s time, somebody decides they don’t wanna do this anymore". And of the problems that hampered the band throughout the 1990s? "There haven’t been problems in a long time. It’s you press that keep these things going. You’ll take a story from ten years ago and make people believe it happened yesterday. Me and Tommy have been friends for thirty years. It’s like being brothers, being married. It’s a relationship, and people argue in real life." A fair defence, but as it unravels, I can’t help but dwell that he himself brought up the issue of Tommy and his relationship as if it were some premeditated press release. This wouldn’t be Neil’s last press-rant. Having chatted our way through the subject of the new greatest-hits release Red White and Crüe, tracklisting is something that Neil states "doesn’t mean that much to me", we discuss the varying changes in the band now, compared to at their height of success twenty years ago. Is there still a place for Mötley Crüe in the world? Neil remains adamant: "Obviously. Everything’s selling out, our tour’s going on for two and a half years, so if there was no place for Mötley Crüe we wouldn’t be here right now." Surely though, the ‘fire, chicks and hairspray’ Neil once described Mötely Crüe as being about is dated somewhat? "Well, I didn’t say that, I think that was a Nikki quote, so ask him." Even though this wasn’t the case (Nikki refuted this claim in an interview with MTV), was I about to argue with one of the most notorious bands on the planet? I search my notes for a more amicable topic. Neil, however, wasn’t finished. "Hairspray man, I don’t understand why you guys keep on with this hairspray thing, it doesn’t make any FUCKING sense. We did a glam

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thing on ONE record, that was it. That was Theatre of Pain, and you guys keep pigeon-holing the band for one fucking record we did when the glam thing was going on. The very next record, Girls Girls Girls, was about motorcycles and strip clubs. NOTHING to do with hairspray. Mötley Crüe is about Mötley Crüe. We’re not a set image, we’re just four individuals and we’re a great band who like to have fun. Yeah, we like chicks, we like booze, and it’s how we wanna live, not how others expect us to." Topic closed. And fast. Cue frantic removal of various questions that would have put an equally abrupt ending to our conversation as a whole. Rather foolishly, I still can’t help ask if Neil’s invitation of settling an old score with Axl Rose remains as open as The Dirt (the acclaimed biography of the band’s career) boasts. "Dude, that was TWENTY years ago. If someone pulls your fucking hair in kindergarten would you still wanna kick his ass? Fuck, it’s called getting on with your life." We close by looking forward, not back. "We’ll finish this tour, take a little time off and work on the new record. We’ve actually got some time off in July, so we’ll throw some idea down then." And as if Neil can’t put the bands past behind them enough, then there’s the movie adaptation of The Dirt. "We’ve just made our changes to the scripts, and movies are a very slow process, so don’t expect anything soon," I’m informed. "We’re the executive producers, so everything has to be agreed and approved by us. Casting hasn’t even been done.” I can’t resist asking who Neil would cast to play his particularly colourful live. He laughs, saying: "I don’t really care. I think Val Kilmer would be good. If he can do Jim Morrison, he can certainly do me.”

Fire, Chicks and Hairspray? Why do you keep on with that? It makes no F***ING sense

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Red, White and Crüe is available now. Mötley Crüe play the Cardiff International Arena on Saturday 18th June

The Crüe’s new album THE QUENCH VERDICT

MÖTLEY CRÜE Red, White and Crüe Mercury

The most notorious band in the world release a doubledisc compilation spanning their entire career. The oft-overlooked debut Too Fast For Love gets a healthy airing, but predictably it’s the material from career highlights Dr Feelgood and Girls Girls Girls that shine like jewels in the rough that surrounds them. Wild Side and Same Ol’ Situation still haven’t lost any of the pop-rock sensibilities that add a swagger to the Crüe’s pompous guitar strides. Kickstart my heart reaffirms its position as the Crüe’s defining track, and coupled with the title tracks from the Dr Feelgood and Girls Girls Girls albums roar with a sound that made late 80s rock such an appealing, if not somewhat guilty, indulgence. Sadly, like much of the studio work such gems are taken from, the album is filled with far too much filler. The new tracks fail to do justice to the Mötley Crüe name, while its double-disc nature condemns it to a life of endless skipping to those defining tracks. Enjoyable, but highly unnecessary, its single-sided Greatest Hits cousin of two years prior delivers a greater insight into such a prestigous band. 7/10 Sam Coare

Interview

Nighy night

BILL NIGHY talks to Craig Driver about The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the English Channel, and Harold Pinter

Bill Nighy as Slartibartfast, creator of worlds, in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy they communicate with one another it’s very familiar and regular and normal.” For Nighy the books are a landmark in the long and fine tradition of great English comedy. “It also has an essential Englishness that I really

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maybe some more rain in California.” When pressed as to why exactly the English Channel deserves such treatment Nighy responds in a perfectly dry tone. “I think it’s not good for our manners to be stuck out there. We should be dragged back to the mainland and made to muck in with the rest of them. And learn some new languages, which we disgracefully never do.” When eventually pressed into what he would do if he knew the Earth was to be destroyed in twelve minutes his response is a perfect summary that Adams’ himself would have dearly been proud. “I’d put the kettle on for a cup of tea. I’d put on a Stones record, don’t ask me which one, although if you forced me Sticky Fingers. Then I’d phone my dogs to say goodbye, formally of course. I’d reach for the Complete Works of Harold Pinter, and I’d read myself a couple of Harold poems which I’m sure would cheer me up. I’d check my hair, you don’t want to go with your hair in a mess, you know what I’m saying? And then I’d kick back and relax.” For this English Gent the desire to “kick back and relax” seems only too easy. He may be a star on the ascendancy but at heart he’s undoubtedly an aging beatnick. For the role of Slartibartfast you couldn’t really ask for a better man.

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ill Nighy is a man on a mission. After countless years of TV appearances in such Sunday middle England fare as Bergerac, Kavanagh QC, and Peak Practice the man better known as the ageing rocker in Love Actually is maturing nicely into a fully fledged star of the silver screen. In undertaking the role of erstwhile creator of planets, Slartibartfast, in the big-screen adaption of Douglas Adams’ cult creation The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Nighy has seemingly at last joined the big league. When questioned whether this prospect daunted him Nighy seems suitably noncholant. “I had to come to the conclusion that it’s better to be happy than right in this situation as Slartibartfast does. I’d settle for that. I just hope all those fans out there who are so protective will understand this is an adaptation not a reproduction. The whole experience was a groove - a very pleasant experience.” Nighy is seemingly relaxed about the whole debacle. This is a man after all who played the Bellboy in the risque 1978 Elizabeth taylor vehicle The Bitch. This is not a gentleman easily fazed by the opinion or views of others. He is, despite his defence of the film, an avid reader of the novel serialisation by Adams. “I think one of the most pleasing things about the book, and one of the central jokes throughout is that you have these extraordinary people in extraordinary places doing extraordinary things but when

I’d put on a Stones Record. Then I’d phone my dogs to say goodbye, formally

recognise. That kind of delivery and the irony and wryness of it is perhaps something I would aspire to. Adams manages to make it allegorical with out making you want to kill yourself or burn the book. He manages to pull that trick off, all the way through you’re subliminally receiving that information and it’s entertaining and also true.” High brow chitter chatter aside, as Slartibartfast, creator of planets, Nighy is called upon to build a new Earth. When asked which part of the world he would change if given the chance he is suitably English in his response. “I think I might lose the English Channel. And I’m toying with the idea of making it a little cooler in the Middle East. It might not work but hey, nothing else seems to have. And

Office clown

Interview 11

MARTIN FREEMAN talks to Craig Driver about taking on The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, crappy dressing gowns, and f**king Americans spired that that wasn’t what was required. What was required was a different take on it, and once I got the part I just knew that if they liked what I did in the audition then that was pretty much what I should try and bring to the film.” Freeman has no need to worry. Simon Jones may have brought a pristine sense of English fumbling to the role but Freeman

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hen Tim finally snuggled up to Dawn for the Christmas special of The Office it marked the end of a glorious period in Martin Freeman’s life. It could have easily sparked a freefall into obscurity. Thankfully Freeman is a wisened fellow and this month marks his big screen debut proper as he steps into the shoes of Arthur Dent, the last human alive, in Douglas Adams’ The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. What with the frenetic nuttiness that follows Adams’ cult tale of galactic stupidity you’d be forgiven for thinking Freeman felt somewhat apprehesnive. Luckily he found refuge in his love of Adams’ work.“I went back to the books. I didn’t revisit the radio or the television series because I grew up knowing the television series and I knew what Simon Jones (Arthur in the original BBC television series) did with it, and very fine it was too.” When it was announced that Freeman was to take on the role of Arthur Dent there were a few raised brows among the hardcore Adamites. Freeman was up against some pretty stern competition for the role of Arthur Dent. When asked how he felt about the rumours that Bruce Willis auditioned fiercly for the part Freeman is suitably nonchalant in his reply. “Well that would make sense seeming as I did go up for Die Hard.” Freeman though is adamant that his Arthur Dent is a new breed. A postmodern man lost amongst the cosmos. That didn’t stop him worrying that he would never match up to Simon Jones’ portaryal. “When it tran-

I did go up for Die Hard...

takes this template and infuses Arthur with a large heap of post millenial blues and perrrenial sarcasm. There was a worry that the increased use of CGI graphics would suffocate the spirit of Adams’ vision. Freeman is quick to dismiss any such notion. “There was a lot of

lovely CGI work in the film but not a lot of it encroached upon the actors. There was a bit where we go through the vortex, but for the most part all the stuff that was there was there at the time. The Vogons were there, and the other strange aliens, so it didn’t really hamper us I don’t think. The CG stuff is truly breathtaking, it looks fantastic. But we didn’t have to contend with too much of it. It was either normal human beings or puppets. So as long as it was something tangible and 3D, something you could react and interact with, that was easier.” Apart from the continual interaction with all things technical Freeman had to contend with the very English costume that is Arthur’s iconic dressing gown. Freeman is partly put out at the suggestion that his costume was slightly less glamorous than those of his fellow cast. “It’s good in one way and bad in another. You can just go to lunch and lie down and no-one worries about your costume getting creased. But Sam, Zooey and Mos Def all had pretty cool costumes. I mean don’t get me wrong I love them all but, fucking hell, they’re American aren’t they? I’m sure Sam probably looked at me and thought I was a lucky sod, because he had to put his wig on and button himself up and all I had to do was put pyjamas on. But you do get a bit envious after a while, because everyone else looks a bit glam and a bit spacey. At the end of four months you do feel like a bit of a slob.” For all the protestations at the quality of his cinematic garments Freeman seems to have taken to his new status as leading man of the silver screen with ease. Dawn would be so very proud.

Mos Def, Martin Freeman, and Sam Rockwell get jiggy with it galactic style

Interview

Rock-a-fella

SAM ROCKWELL talks about creamy potatoes, Judas Iscariot and his new role in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Craig Driver hitches a ride... Rockwell insists it was never really a problem. “I was raised on Monty Python and Sanford & Son, so I had a mixture of things. I loved what the Brits did with Sanford & Son - the

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is more of a pint and football guy rather than a Tea and cricket guy which is a step forward.” Like his fellow cast members Rockwell wasn’t lost on the political, albeit at times cleverly disguised, connotations of Douglas Adams’ vision. For Rockwell the film became more of a rites of passage than a simple acting gig. “It’s funny, the whole burning of the world aspect to it. What’s special for me is that I looked at Clinton and Bush a bit more closely. Douglas Adams looks and plays with the notion of religion and society. In this film and the world around me i was more concerned with politics and in particular the messed up world of American politics. I was a lot more active in these elections than before.” While such insistence may sound like the usual movie spiel Rockwell, it seems, never failed to have his share of fun on set. Particularly with the nearby filming of Big Brother on the very same film stage. “While we were filming they had the Big Brother house on the next lot full of crazy contestants wasting their lives. I ended up throwing a cheese and mayonnaise potato at the Big Brother house whilst wearing a bright, shiny, day-glow cape and eating some really spicy chicken wings.” It would seem that all those hardcore Adamites fearing the worst really need not worry. As far as Zaphod is concerned Sam Rockwell has pretty much got him nailed to a tee.

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am Rockwell is a man in demand. Over the forthcoming year he will be Sam Mendes’ leading man in Jarhead, the brutal adaptation of Anthony Swofford’s best selling novel detailing his experiences in Desert Storm. Following that Rockwell is appearing in Jesse Peretz’s eagerly awaited family drama Snow Angels. For now though the man best known as George Clooney’s buddy is taking on the role of Galactic President Zaphod Beeblebrox in the big screen adaptation of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Thankfully he seems to relish the challenge. “I felt a real sense of priviledge. Even though I was more a fan of Dr. Who when I was younger. To play this guy is like playing Judas Iscariot. He’s such a livewire that I couldn’t really say no.” Despite taking to the role of an inter-galactic prat rather easily Rockwell did find some problems with the addition of Zaphod’s extra head added to aid his planetary responsibilities “We did some CGI second head stuff and the prosthetic stuff was pretty wild. We had a 10 pound Matthew McConaughey stuck to my neck, and the CGI effect was dots on my neck and I had to walk around with my head thrown right back. It was tough for the rest of the guys I think, to have to react to that. That was an interesting dilemma for an actor, having two heads.” Though Rockwell found it easy to undertake such a crucial role in such a critical film how did he feel surrounded by a very British cast.

The CGI head’s pretty wild, I had 10lbs of Matthew McConaughey stuck to my neck

accents were amazing. What’s great about British humour is that it’s so unsophisticated it’s sophisticated, and vice versa. I think that’s what makes Monty Python special and what makes Douglas Adams’ material so special. I’ve always loved the British sense of humour. I mean the good thing about this movie is that Martin’s Arthur Dent

T r a v e l

travel@gairrhydd.com

Quench 09 05 05

The hitchhiker’s guide S

Team 1

tartled out of our sleep at 4.30am we donned our trusty ‘stop for charity’ tshirts and set out into the cold. We waited for our first hitch for about an hour, before being picked up by the BMW driver who went by the name of Graham, who assured us that he wasn’t a creep (cough cough). Did we get far? No. We were picked up quite quickly at Bristol by a Bob Pinciotti doppelganger without the wig in a camper van who took us to Chippenham. Did we get much further? No. Following Bob we hitched a lift with pipe-smoking, mountain climbing John – for about two junctions. Grr. Our next lift was with a businessman a la David Brent, whose ancient jungle CD was our soundtrack for the trip to Bracknell. The dude dropped us off on the frickin’ motorway. Two hours later we decided to walk along the M4 – are we morons? Yes. But it got us a lift with a sexy policewoman. Ok, so she wasn’t that sexy, and she thought we were insane before deciding that we were just exceptionally daft. Did we learn our lesson to stop hitching on the motorway…um no. Another two lifts got us as far as Maidstone, where we had Hula Hoops thrown at us. Finally we were given a lift, but it still took us another two cars after that to get to Dover. The ferry was pretty, and floated on the Channel. And that is where our luck ran out. Nobody told us this, but most lorries only have space for one passenger, and most refuse to take two people because of the police and insurance blah-di-blah. Excuses excuses. So once we got to Calais it was dark, there was hardly any traffic, and we were stuck. At about one, we gave up and sought out a motel, and the next day we took the train…we got a spoon though, and itchhikers are a bad business proposition it was made of wood! Carly Sharples and Nik for taxi drivers. With this in mind, Kerry "Planet" Jarvie and I embarrassingly told the taxi driver who pulled up outside the Blackweir on a freezing Cardiff morning that, while we would love a lift on our mammoth journey to Amsterdam, we could not pay him for his kindness. Luckily for us, he informed us that he was on a social visit to pick up his daughter and offered us a lift free of charge. Our next lift came in the unlikely shape of a fifteen-stone wrestler named Daisy. While Daisy’s main passion was in the ring, he also professed to be quite the driver, informing us that he had once travelled from Newport to Amsterdam in the staggering time of 6 hours. Thisstory would have been more believable if he hadn’t have told it as the lorry rocketed along at its top speed of 45mph. Waving goodbye to Daisy and his boy-racer lifestyle, we boarded the ferry at 1.00pm. An hour later every French lorry driver had told us, in perfect English, that they could not speak the language. Impassioned charades ensued, involving a thumb and various lorry sounds, but their expressions remained blank. Luckily, an English lorry driver with less than perfect knowledge of the vernacular obliged. What this guy may have lacked in language skills, however, he more than compensated for in business brains. Aside from the 11 tonnes of steel in the back of his lorry that he officially carried, our driver informed us that he was running a racket in Lenor. This softener-smuggling tycoon then proceeded to show us all 4 bottles that he was planning to sell for twice the price on the continent, assuring us that "the Dutch go mad for their fabric softener." Leaving the Al Capone of the washing world behind, we arrived in Amsterdam to be informed that we finished second overall. This signified a memorable end to an amazing journey, where Amnesty International raised thousands; a hundred students had the cheapest holiday of their lives; and one shrewd racketeer earned a fiver. Rick Pearson

One quiet weekend in April, students from all over the country raised money for Amnesty International by taking part in the ultimate mission: a race to hitchhike to Amsterdam. Two teams of intrepid travellers from Cardiff tell us their stories of police, Lenor and wrestlers named Daisy.

Team 2 H

T r a v e l 15

to Amsterdam KEY Team 1* Team 2 (more or less...) *This is an artist’s (hah!) impression and may not represent any actual journey undertaken by any actual person

It’s all in the angle of the thumb

“Oh, f*** it, let’s take the train”

Excess Baggage Battle of The Home Towns: Middlesex

Natalia Kekic JOMEC and Sociology Middelsex in three wo rds Middle Class ghetto Things you never knew about Middlesex There was a hold up in my local bank and Keira Kn ightly comes from Middlesex Best bar: Winkers - a little

bit of a drive but the be st place to strut your stu ff amongst all the Hollyo aks wannabes Best shop: The End a great alternative to the Topshop production line Worst bar: The Listen Innsad old men getting pla stered Worst club: Trinity - un derage kids going through the obligator y grunge phase Worst Shop: Kasandra - Cheap sho es most probably fallen off the back of a lorry Must visit: the 'Come dy Bunker'- a small and sup rising find that manages to pull in the likes of Lee Evans, Harry Hill and Al Murra y Posh or Pants? Probably posh

Postcards from Chile By Tom Dynes h the ideal opportunialeigh provided me wit ent during my gap fer ty to do something dif . ile Ch in r yea ale was as much a ch Funding the experienc elf. After writing to hunits lenge as the actual trip ily and and begging my fam dreds of companies a final As 0. ,00 £2 se to rai friends, I managed make to ts es rty asking gu boost I organised a pa rsuading a DJ to provide pe a donation as well as money charge. Raising the his services free of d the an n tio fac tis sa al of gave me a great de nearer. r adventure seemed eve s I helped out in a comnth mo ee thr my During ilean bridges in a small Ch munity project to build to the locals and even ing village. I loved chatt well as some Spanish. As managed to learn making d an le op pe ng sti meeting lots of intere much a me en dition has giv new friends, the expe . life on more positive outlook hard to choose from the in Looking back now it’s I’ve experienced: diving unforgettable moments tiful sunrises and sunau blue glacial lakes, be

Tr a v e l

Still stuck for something to do this summer? Youth charity Raleigh International organises three month project-based expeditions throughout the year to developing countries such as Namibia, Malaysia, Costa Rica and Fiji. From building much needed facilities to stepping into Bellamy’s shoes and tracking an endangered species, there’s something for everyone. In the adventure project phase, volunteers have the opportunity to spend three weeks in the wilderness, trekking through a variety of landscapes and sleeping beneath starfilled skies. Alongside experiencing different cultures and meeting new people, Raleigh expeditions help you to acquire new skills widely sought by many employers and will help you stand out from the crowd when applying for future jobs. No longer will you be lost for words in a job interview when a future employer asks you what your most rewarding or challenging experience has been. Check out the postcard below for Tom Dynes experience in Chile. www.raleighinternational.org.uk James Phipps on 0207 282 2823

and the sets, panoramic views cooking like more simple things been able on a camp fire. I have things I e nc to see and experie , and definever thought I would Raleigh a nitely recommend e who is expedition to anyon prob. It is one of the best, ge looking for a challen . ne do r eve have ably the best, thing I

G a y

gay@gairrhydd.com

Quench 09 05 05

GOD Around BLESS the world AMERICA

Simpsons ‘out’ character

ult US cartoon show The Simpsons reveals it’s first openly gay character to the British public this month. For years fans have speculated as to the identity of the character. Bookmakers’ favourites include Mr Burns, Waylon Smithers, Sideshow Bob and Homer Simpson, no less. In ‘There’s Something About Marrying’, Homer is ordained and chooses to perform countless samesex marriages. One character, inspired by his actions, comes out as gay and asks to be blessed with the idol of their affections. Naturally, turmoil prevails.

ractures within the Anglican church have reached an unprecidented high due to the The Simpsons is renowned for its ordaination of the first gay bishop bravery in dealing with sensitive in the US. issues. Characters include born-again Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Christians, murderers and ethnic Rowan Williams, has called upon minority groups. the Canadian and US churches to Middle America made an unsurpris- ‘repent’. ing attempt to ban the episode The North American branches already aired in the US - labelling it as were asked to leave the Anglican ‘deliberately bucking the public mood Consultative Council when church which is overwhelmingly against gay leaders met to discuss the issue marriage’. in Northern Ireland. Their position Gay rights groups have described is to be re-evaluated in 2008, the inclusion of an openly gay charac- effectively taking away their ‘memter a ‘ray of light’. bership’ to the Anglican Do you know who it is yet? Details Communion for three years. at the bottom of the page. Gene Robinson, bishop of new Hampshire, was appointed in 2003 sparking world-wide debate. The African church protested most noticably. Primates have issued a stateBremerhaven’s Zoo Am Meer plans ment saying the “standard of to forcibly separate the rare Humboldt Christian teaching on matters of human sexuality” had been “seripenguins and introduce four new ously undermined by the recent females to the group. developments in North America”. Gay rights activists insist that the It is clear that the concerns of males - who have been attempting to the Anglican faith over homosexualhave intercourse with each other ity will not be diluted in the near have a right to form couples without future. Peter Tatchell, spokesperhuman interference. son for OutRage!, said, “Dr Only in Germany... WIlliams appears prepared to maintain church unity at any price. Even at the price of betraying gay people and liberal humanitarian values.”

Gay rights gone too far?

The gay character to come out this month in The Simpsons is Patty Bouvier - Marge’s sister.

ay rights groups have condemned a German zoo over plans to test the sexual orientation of six male penguins.

Features

features@gairrhydd.com

Quench 09 05 05

Do you know Charlie?

Is cocaine the new cool? Kaisa Pankakoski investigates

he emerging group of cocaine users is in higher education students. Why is this new trend of snorting coke at weekends happening and what are the consequences to the future academics? "In my opinion you only live once so you’ve got to try everything. Otherwise you have wasted the short time you have in this world. So I tried coke," says Jack, a final year university student. He is not alone. Cocaine use in the UK has been rising gradually over the past ten years. It used to be the drug for rich and famous people, with a sexy and glamorous media image. Today cocaine, in the opinion of many higher education students, belongs to a "good night out." University students in general are recreational users, normally sharing a gram or two. They take cocaine infrequently and in small amounts, during social occasions with friends. According to the Economist, street prices of Class A drugs in the UK have fallen steadily in recent years. Competition and improved transfer connections in the cocaine market have made prices drop from £200 per gram in the 1980s to £40-£50 per gram today.

Quench DOES NOT condone the use of any illegal substances

This allows a wider range of users to buy it. Cocaine is available everywhere at an affordable price, which gives an incentive to try it. In general, the first line a student takes is free. Jack is constantly offered cocaine. "I normally do not pay for coke. People like to share their stuff because it is a bit sad to take it alone." There has been a progressive increase in the number of students presenting to counselling and student health services due to drug misuse according to a recent report. It reveals that five per cent of all higher education students aged 16-24 have taken cocaine within the past year. "Drug use is a common feature of student life", says the Head of the

“It can lead to depression, suicide attempts, self harm, debt and crime.” Counselling Service at University of Cardiff, John Cowley. However, he says that it is not a significant feature of their work with students at Cardiff. The reality is that the number of cocaine users is probably higher than reported as many students tend to live "a double life" and not reveal their habit to outsiders. Andy,

a research student agrees: "Taking coke affected my marks as I got a bit paranoid and was scared to go to lectures in case people would notice what I was doing in my free time. I know many people at uni who take drugs. You just do not talk about it to the people outside the coke scene." "Cocaine can be taken in many forms" says Paul Kay, the Substance Misuse Administrator from Royal College of General Practioners (RCGP). "It is difficult to describe the consequences of the use due to that. Short time effects are loss of appetite, irritability and mood swings. Pupils of eyes dilate and the person becomes unreliable. Chronic using leads to negative thinking and lack of self esteem, believing that we are ‘not good enough’. It can lead to depression, suicide attempts, self harm, debt and crime". The majority of university students still manage to lead a normal life and complete their studies in time. It is the question whether they have the willpower to keep the addictive habit in check, and not start bingeing. Some do not.

CASE STUDIES: "I normally end up talking endlessly to people that I do not even know that well." Jack*, 22 is a final year Business Studies student. He is an occasional user who takes cocaine a couple of times a year. “I take just a few lines a night so I would not consider myself one of the nose-rotted coke fiends that you see around here. At the moment I am financially struggling, which means that I am not wasting my money just to snort it up my nose. “The upside of taking cocaine is that you all of a sudden feel more sociable. It gives you energy to be interested in other people’s stories as well as believe that they want to hear everything about your own life. “The cocaine that you find in the city where I live is not of very good quality so the effect it has on you really depends on what you manage to get. I normally end up talking endlessly to people that I do not even know that well and regret it the next day. “I am not a regular coke user so I would not say that it would affect or control my life in any way. I have never been pressurised to take cocaine. “I would recommend good quality coke to my friends who have no experience with drugs, but more likely I would recommend MDMA powder. I would not mind if my own children took cocaine if they were as mature and sensible as I am today.” "I loved cocaine because it gives you the energy and self esteem boost." Chloe*, 24, is a MA Sociology student who used to take cocaine regularly. “After my A-levels I spent a gap year in Columbia. A friend of mine had tried cocaine and I immediately felt that I would like to try it too. One night in a club a guy offered a line. “I started taking cocaine a few nights a week or more. On an average night I would take three to six lines but of course it is a lot purer than in the UK so it is hard to estimate the amount of cocaine I took. “When I returned to the UK and started university I was taking coke once a month. The nights included heavy drinking too. “I loved cocaine because it gives you the energy and self esteem boost. You feel like everything in the world is great, you have no worries and just want to party.

“Now that I look back, I realise that there are many downsides. You are not relaxed at all and that kind of stress must be hard on the heart. My mouth and tongue were always full of blisters because coke makes you want to chew and grind your teeth. It sometimes hurt so much that I did not want to speak. “Also, coke makes you feel more sober. You end up drinking a lot more

DANIELLA: quite big, not clever than you should without realising it yourself. “The biggest downside is probably the fact that it takes you, insidiously, to a different ‘world’. You do not realise that you are hooked or that you are behaving at all in a weird way. I did lots of things that I would have not done had I not been taking so much coke, it made me quite aggressive too while I was sober.

THE FACTS! Cocaine is extracted from the leaves of the coca plant, which grows in South American mountains. The drug comes in two main forms; cocaine hydrochloride powder, which is usually snorted and crack, which is either smoked or injected. It is a Class A drug. Other substances included in Class A are ecstasy, heroin, methadone and LSD.

Features 19 “The next day was always horrible, I always got a ‘moral hangover’, I just felt that I had wasted my money, health and time the previous night. “When I graduated two years ago, I decided to stop taking drugs. However, even now when I go out, get drunk and am in a group of people who do coke, I have to either leave or do coke. And of course I do not want to leave...” "I have done most of the Class A drugs and will eventually stop." Andy*, 25, is postgraduate research student. He is a recreational cocaine user. “I had always been against taking any kinds of drugs. I had had a random spliff but that was it. Until I broke up with my long-term girlfriend that is. I was in my final year at uni, stressed, broken hearted and self-destructive. I was ready to take any substance that could make me feel better and forget who or where I was. I was offered coke several times before that and this time I accepted. It felt wonderful. I kept on partying until the sun came up and felt strong and happy again. “After that nothing could stop my partying. I was on top of the world. I had a mad party stage for six months. I spent most weekends taking coke or other substances. Coke makes you confident, some people become arrogant though. I have the money to buy it and would not consider myself a junkie or an addict. “I have done most of the Class A drugs and will eventually stop, maybe when I finally want to get a family and settle down. “There is just one thing I regret that I have done while on coke. I went to an after party to a mate’s house and was persuaded to do acid. I would never touch it again. I was tripping for days, it totally messed my head and I had to go through counselling to sort myself out. It is good to experience different things as then you know more. Drugs have opened up my mind. The effects last roughly 30 minutes when smoked. When combined with alcohol, the mix forms cocaethylene in the body, a compound which increases the effect and puts more stress on the heart.

Quench maintains that doing coke is illegal, addictive and hazardous to your health. It’s generally an all round BAD IDEA

Features

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Quench 09 05 05

Written in the Stars W

ear red this Friday and your true love will arrive. A surprise package brings good fortune. The letter ‘T’ could lead you to a career promotion this week. Have you ever read this or something similar before? I’ve never been one to follow my horoscope religiously, but I have to admit that I do occasionally glance to see what Mystic Meg or Russell Grant think destiny will bring me. I discovered that, as a typical Aries, I am supposed to be adventurous, ambitious, impulsive, enthusiastic and always welcome challenges. Apparently, I also get impatient if I don’t get quick results. I have to admit that this is very true. If faced with a challenge my approach is to get on with it and expect an instant result. This apparently is to do with my sign being the first sign of the zodiac; I like to get things started and lead the way. So maybe the stars can accurately predict people’s characteristics, but how does astrology actually work? How can someone tell us about ourselves and our future just by our sign in the zodiac? For a start, there is far more to a person than just their zodiac sign - the works of astrology go a lot deeper than the few sentences you read in your morning paper. But while most people know what their zodiac sign is, not so many will be aware of their individual birth chart, or even be aware of what a birth chart actually is. Birth charts are what astrologers calculate in order to find out about a person and their journey in life. Planets are of huge importance in your life. A birth chart plots where all the different planets of the solar system were located at the exact moment of your birth in order that the chart can derive the messages of the universe at the

Can horoscopes really predict the future? Ruth Mansfield investigates astrology

moment you were born. Each of the planets in astrology represent a different function of our psyche, so by locating where the planets were at a person’s birth, an astrologer can find many insights and functions into the workings of a person’s inner self such as a potential energy or a desire to do something. The sign that the planet occupies in their chart indicates the kind of strategies that a person may use to accomplish these tenets. Meanwhile, the areas of a person’s life where this tenet is most likely to be played out are indicated by the ‘house’ that the planet occupies. An astrological ‘house’ is a term used to describe another set of twelve sectors of the sky similar to the twelve signs. Each house has a different meaning, for example the first house signifies personal appearance and the seventh house signifies co-operation and opposition. An arrow on your birth chart will point to your Ascendant and this Ascendant marks the ‘cusp’ or beginning of the first house in your house system, and runs counter clockwise around your circular birth chart, with each line marking the cusp of your next house. The zodiac sign of your Ascendant or first house represents the

kind of image that you regularly display to the people around you. The Ascendant changes its zodiac sign every two hours whereas the sun only changes its zodiac sign every month. This means that your Ascendant sign may be different to your sun sign but also represents a much more personal view of you. When the cusp of a house is within a certain sign, that sign is said to “rule” that house. So, for example, if the cusp of your seventh house appears in the Cancer sign on your birth chart then this means that the sign of Cancer rules the co-operation and opposition part of your life and how you relate to people.

In order to determine future events in your life an astrologer will calculate where the planets are positioned at this future time and how they relate to the planets’ positions in your birth chart. These positions of the planets at various times in your life indicate when certain events in your life will occur and how you can deal with them. When you read the horoscope for your zodiac sign you’re actually only reading a few experiences which could occur to people born under your sign. To get a much more personal horoscope, your birth chart needs to be calculated so the positions of the planets from your exact time of birth can be compared to their present positions and therefore make the reading more unique to you. So astrology is far more complicated than many of us first thought. But when did this art of studying people’s birth charts and signs actually begin? And how did the entire phenomenon start?

The horoscope all started in the 1500s when early man deduced that changes in the points from which the Sun rose were linked to the changes in the year and the seasons. Watching and observing the sky became an important part of life. The positions of the points from which the sun rose started to be recorded along with the different phases of the moon and the cycles of the planets. When these recordings were compared to events which had happened on Earth, some links were found. The changes in activities in the sky coincided with major events such as wars and floods, as well as with smaller events that were occurring in personal lives. These findings were the beginnings of astrology. The movements of the sun, moon and planets were now observed to try and predict what events were going to happen in

Anthony Blair D.O.B 6th May, 1853 Born At 06:10 BST

Blair: Still smiling for another term, say astrologers With the election result falling on Blair’s birthday and one of his lucky Jupiter points being picked up, he’ll find himself in a third term in office but will not sail through with the majority he wants. Blair will have two hits of Neptune squaring his Sun in Mid August - late September and December which will mean all-time low points

Features 21 the future. Although not seen as a religion by the people, astrology was seen as providing a sense of security in the unpredictable world ahead. By the 15th century, it was practiced by most people and being used for decision making. By the early sixteenth century, it began to be taught in universities and practiced in most courts. However, there was a decline in the use of astrology towards the end of the sixteenth century because it was met with hostility from religious leaders who saw astrology as competition. Increasingly, people were turning towards astrology to provide explanations for uncertainties in the world as well as or instead of turning to religion. Religious leaders argued that predicting the future in this way was denying power to God and indeed many works were written against astrology. Today, by contrast, horoscopes and astrology have become very much a part of modern culture; day in, day out people casually turn to the horoscope page to find out what lies in store for them with regards to life, love, money and much else. Although some astrologers may state they can predict your absolute future, many stress that astrology can only simply suggest opportunities and challenges which lie ahead for a person, or describe characteristics of a person from their stars. So while our total future cannot be predicted, we can be advised of steps to ensure we gain the best from an opportunity that may be placed in front of us. There is more to astrology than often thought. Horoscopes are not just a column in a magazine or newspaper, but a serious and recognised science, art and discipline.

Fashion

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Quench 09 05 05

Fashion’s famous Fashion Desk explores the ever-growing world of celebrity fashion By Charlotte Howells Deputy Fashion Editor

he ever-growing proliferation of glorified celebrities turning their hand to designing or perfumery has now become a norm, with everyone from David Beckham to Kylie creating a fashion range cash-cow of some sort. But how much does a footballer actually know about childrens’ clothes, or a singer about perfumes? Very little I would guess. Celebrity ranges are insulting to the truly talented, to those who have trained their whole lives to pursue a fashion career. It is probable that the biggest, and only, role the celebrity had in the production process was nodding at the readymade creation presented to them.

But if this is the case, then why are people buying into celebrity merchandise? If it’s association with the star you want, then why not patronise the actual thing they are supposed to be good at, i.e. singing, or football, rather than sporting a foul smelling perfume you know they wouldn’t be smelt dead in. Wearing JLo clothes, JLo perfume and JLo bling won’t make you into Jennifer Lopez, it simply shows you for the uncreative slave-to-celebrity that you are. In a world where even Pamela Anderson has her own clothing line it is hard to see what image celebrity clothes-wearers are trying to project. It has become clear that celebrities are no longer just people, they have used their inflated status to turn themselves into a walking, talk-

ing brand. David Beckham recently said of his M&S clothing line: “Designing clothes is something I have always wanted to do”. Really? Come off it David, by the looks of it, making money is something you have always wanted to do.

Beckham: footballer or designer?

Beckham brands for big business

lothes design is a fairly unsurprising business venture for the failed-singer renowned for looking stylish. ‘VB’ will be launched next year by Rock and Republic, a label inspired by edgy rock styles. Its ‘supremely sexy fit denim’ has been a hit with stars like Cameron Diaz, Brittany Murphy, Usher, Avril Lavigne and Naomi Watts. Beckham is determined that her limited collection of five Beckham: anyone notice a recurring theme? styles will work; she has

C e l e b r i t y - e n d o r s e d p ro d u c t s

even put her singing career on hold to promote the new line. She says: “I’m using my brain for the first time in a long time. For the first time in my career, I’m doing what I love and know something about.” Her exit from singing will surely be music to the ears of many. Clare Hooker, Deputy Fashion Editor

(from left to right) Curious, by Britney Spears; Lamb, by Gwen Steffani; Rocawear, by Jay Z; Shady Unlimited, by Eminem; Glow, by Jennifer Lopez

Fashion Prince Harry

hair shrink Delving into the world of celebrity hair like Nicky Clarke with a big spade

P Donatella Versace

onatella Versace has an obvious Hair Shrink scalp. All the hair nasties are there. Overdone colour? Check. Overcooked condition? Check. Ageing overflowing length? Check. It would be easy to hike to the high moral hair ground, but that would be missing the meaning of a woman like Donatella. For Donatella is a breed apart. She is, most definitely, not one of us. She is a member of the Euro-bitches with Euroriches set, a world of Gulfstreams and gold lamé where the platinum hair matches the platinum credit cards. Donatella et al. aren’t meant to look normal, they’re meant to orbit an other-

rince Harry has, what is known in the trade, as Statement Hair. It’s not a hairstyle in a conventional sense, but a mission of intent. And his intention is clear. He wants to flash his rebelliousness like a badge of dishonour and disassociate himself from the rigidity of

Royal life. His HRHairness says, ‘I’m the spare and I can smoke a spliff, drink a snakebite and spike my hair if I like because poor old Wills is the one who has to shoulder the real burden.’ Which is true; he does have less of a straitjacket of expectation and more freedom of expression. But Harry’s hair is not as much of a statement of individuality as he’d like to think. In fact, it’s a style the world and his teenager have; messy, unkempt and destroyed. Its ubiquity turns it into conformity, a uniform of Generation Gap. If Harry truly wants to break away from the fold, he should grow it into a surfer bob and add some blond low-lights for good black sheep measure. Failing that he could always grow a few dreads to really get Daddy fuming. Hair Shrink says if Harry has inherited The Windsor Baldness Gene in five years’ time none of this will actually matter because he’ll look like every other dull, middle-aged accountant from the Home Counties anyway.

worldly sphere of vulgar glitz and glamour. Reality should never encroach. That would spoil the Hello! spread. Stick her in a tabard in a service cafe on the M1 and her hair would make her look like every other overdone wannabe this side of Milan. As it is, overdone strangely suits her, seems appropriate even. It bestows upon her a goddess status, a Medusa with straighteners. And, as we all know, goddesses aren’t like us, otherwise we’d all have bleachedto-oblivion hair, tantastic rawhides and yachts docked off St Tropez.

amela Anderson’s hair sets out her sybaritism straight off. No apologies. No easing you in. Bam! It’s there as bold as tarts. You know it will show you a good time and do things to you you’ve only ever dreamed of; it’ll be wild, wanton, dirty. And come the morning after it will look exactly the same; brassy, straggly, like it’s had the best orgasm of its life. Just-stepped-out-of-a-sex-session is her hair’s modus vivendi. That’s its job. Anderson’s hair is a pander to a particular audience. She is the cheerleader of the blonded, blanded, big-breasted brigade beloved by men who buy her calendars and slo-mo Baywatch. She doesn’t want to fiddle with the formula, disappoint her congregation, so the hair remains untouched. Change would rile McAnderson PLC shareholders and her stock would plummet. The quandary is simple: re-style and alienate her core fan base or stagnate in Groundhair Day forever. Judging by Pammy’s previous form it seems certain she’ll stick to the hair of a Triple-X cartoon. It may be passable now, but at 70 she’ll look like a Barbie that’s been left too close to a radiator and melted. By then, dignity will have long left the building.

Pamela Anderson

Reviews

THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY Dir: Garth Jennings Cast: Martin Freeman, Sam Rockwell, Mos Def, Bill Nighy

ouglas Adams’ cult opus has been many things over the years. It has shifted from a radio series to a novel serialisation to a television series and now it has finally evolved into a fully fledged, big event, motion picture film. Arthur Dent (Martin Freeman) is not having a good day. His house is about to be demolished and his life is seemingly insignificant. His day gets even worse when his best friend Ford Prefect (Mos Def) saves him as planet Earth is completely destroyed. As a result Arthur and Ford team up with Galactic President and über-prat Zaphod Beeblebrox (Sam Rockwell) in search of the ultimate question when the ultimate answer of ‘42’ turns out to be insufficient. Kitschy, low-brow, and perfectly understated, the film premise is an insanely quirky non-sensical off-beat philosophical pilgrimage. It never strays far from the template of Adams’ original vision. Director Garth Jennings twists and stretches Adams’ narrative creating visuals and eliciting performances that harness the dexterity of the script and enhances its connotations. The warm-hearted centre of the original is taken on a hazy and amphetamine riddled deluge of hilarious set pieces and garish exhibitionism that remains resolutely English throughout.

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With its retro-futuristic stylising and wilful surrealism, Hitchhiker’s is primarily a heady re-interpretation rather than a befuddled reproduction. Jennings’ film is a chaotic visual piece layered with delicate and contemplative humour. All the best jokes remain intact, from the falling whale to the Vogon poetry reading. New additions to the film such as the church of Humma Kavula may offend true Adamites but they merely serve to move the story into a modern age.

A fantastically tart rush of galactic hilarity Jennings and his motley crew obviously have a loamy gift for drive-in satisfaction, and their gentle handling of what is essentially a preposterous story serve perfectly to produce a film light on touch and hilarious in execution. Design details such as the neon retro stylising of the guide and the curvaceous cyber cuteness of Marvin the Paranoid Android, voiced by a suitably nonchalant Alan Rickman, elevate the film above many of the inane criticisms levelled by concerned fans brimming with archaic stoicism. The film is shot through with pop culture references and bold acts of garish exhibitionism such as the gargantuan tracking-back, cut-away, moment of Earth’s destruction. Reminscent of Gilliam at his most inventive and Lucas at his most bold

the film sizzles with a ferocious confidence. The variety and quality of talent on display throughout is a testament to the influence and reach of Adams’ work. Freeman, as perennial worrier Arthur, is perfectly at ease in the role of last human alive while Rockwell as Zaphod exudes the stubborn glee of a gloriously irreverent half-wit lost amongst the cosmos. Mos Def as Ford Prefect may not harbour the incessant tenacity of David Dixon in the original Television series, but he is perfectly eccentric in his be-spectacled urban chic. Only Zooey Deschanel as Trillian seems adrift amongst the comic debris but then Adams never was adept at writing women very well. Hardcore fans will bitch and whine over the loss of the finer subtleties, but those very same people forget that Hitchhiker’s was never intended to be a static concept. Like all the greatest comedies, Hitchhiker’s is universal, timeless, and capable of interminable evolution. Hitchhiker’s never pretends to be a consummate whole, at times delving too far into its own idiosyncratic fumbling. It is nonetheless a warm and intelligent attempt to convey the fantastically tart rush of galactic hilarity, pioneered by Adams and his operatic guile. Craig Driver

26 M u s i c

music@gairrhydd.com

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GAVIN DEGRAW Chariot J Records

Touring with Avril Lavinge suggests Degraw to be some sort of angst ridden teen punk. You couldn’t be further from the truth. Chariot is a masterclass of songwriting, each track snugly sound-tracking episodes of One Tree Hill and the O.C. Degraw has penned some romantic gems, with enough bottled up emotion and heartbreak to keep any emo boy safely tucked away in their room for weeks. As far as singer-songwriters go, this guy is the cream of the proverbial crop. 9/10 James Woodroof

THE AFTERNOONS Rocket Summer Saturday Records

Pretty band, pretty album. Not pretty in the sense that your heart skips a beat and your legs turn to jelly. More a sense that if you cut off the head then it may very well be an improvement for all concerned. This is subgenre Beach Boys adrift on a raft of insignificant pop. Obvious references are Teenage Fanclub and the lesser work of any band formed under the banner of Creation Records. Tracks such as Baby, You Know The Deal and Coast Road with their savvy melodies retain some sense of potential but when your overall sound is reminiscent of regurgitated cotton candy you can't help but be a tad inconsequential. Not dead by any means but definitely short of substance. 6/10 Craig Driver

ONEIDA The Wedding

Jagjaguwar/ Rough Trade

A change of direction for the Oneida crew, drafting in strings and ambience and throwing out grime and garage rock. A similar shift to their friends and ex-‘partners in grime’ Liars (with whom they had a split album) but with a more positive outcome. This album is almost tantric at times, like on Spirits with its tribal drums and monklike vocals. A good album to forget all your problems to. 7/10 Harold Shiel

GARBAGE Bleed Like Me A&E Records

Shirley Manson: by far one of the most complicated females of 90s mainstream rock is back with her boys, and at full throttle. Or is she? Fans beware, this is no Version 2.0. Garbage have endeavoured returning to their edgier roots since 2001’s rather eclectic beautifulgarbage, note the emphasis on the word endeavoured. Okay, so it’s not the band at their best, but hey it’s still Garbage. For an album that almost never made it, are we grateful? Hell yes! Plus check out the one and only Dave Grohl drumming on frenetic opener Bad Boyfriend. 7/10 Nik Thakkar

MUDVAYNE Lost and found Epic (Sony)

Exhibiting the lack of imagination which results in naming nearly all their songs with single words, Mudvayne’s third offering is a sorry attempt at a shock to the heart for the dying "heavy metal" genre. Frankly, the sooner we see the back of those fucking annoying double bass-drum pedals, the better. Ooh look, the bleak and ‘upsetting’ cover has a boy walking in the wilderness with his teddy. Piss off. Unless its Vic Rattlehead from the cover of the old Megadeth albums, with his jaw riveted shut, doing something to an ashen virgin with a famished rat and the cardboard tube from a roll of Bounty, then it just ain’t fucking metal kids, alright? 3/10 James Anthony

METRIC Old World Underground, Where are you now? Everloving Records

High-rise tower blocks and lo-fi guitar squeals combine on Metric's chunky new album. This is music to strut the catwalk to as you wrap yet another slaughtered fox around your anorexic neck. The tunes maybe catchy and the sweet and husky vocals enchanting but there is an underlying feeling that the faux-pas council estate beats are not entirely born of experience. Standout tracks Combat Baby and Dead Disco are appropriately thumping but for every gem there is undeniable driftwood. This is art school disco taken to a logical and yet diparaging conclusion. Too much mascara posing and not enough genuine bump and grind. 6/10 Craig Driver

A l b u m s 27

HOT HOT HEAT: The ‘cool fringe get- together’ didn’t quite take off as planned.

HOT HOT HEAT Elevator Sire

Short, sharp bursts of warm, bouncy rockery – check; from Canada – check (THE place to be from since The Arcade Fire: darlings of cool-kids the world over, replaced Celine ‘shitter than death’ Dion as Canada’s biggest musical export), quirky artwork check. It’s a wonder this album isn’t perfect. Hot Hot Heat’s second album proper is a nice lesson in how to write quaint love songs with a twist. "Running with scissors wasn’t smart, I tripped and cut open your heart" wails Bays on Shame On You one of the album’s finest moments. Sadly not quite as instantly memorable as some of their previous work but nevertheless this is a damn fine record. 8/10 Harold Shiel

BLACK COUGAR SHOCK UNIT Godzilla Tripwire Newest Industries

I woke up this morning, a bleary eyed mess of hair, with ‘sleep’ the size of baseballs dripping from my eyes. I put Godzilla Tripwire into the stereo to get the juices flowing again. As punkmetal dirge after hair-rock ditty poured into my ears, I fear a tear was shed. Like if McFly’s dads, who remember

the "good old days" of ‘classic’ metal, reworked Aerosmith in a toilet, Black Cougar Shock Unit should definitely stop. At least there’s only fifteen songs. 2/10 Harold Sheil

VITALIC Ok Cowboy

returns with a striking continuation of form from 2003's Music for the Mature B-boy, throwing ingenious cuts and scratches, jazzy breaks and absorbing grooves all over this album. The MC talents of Abdominable and new recruit MC D-Sisive breath life into the beats, bouncing off each other on tracks like Separated at Birth and the catchy-like-the-'flu 3 Feet Deep. There's a nod towards more atmospheric Shadow territory in Black Cloud, showing the confidence of a producer with the talent to make UK hip hop sit up and take note. Excellent. 9/10 David Sutheran

Citizen Records

If you were disappointed by the recent Daft Punk album then this is for you. Its the kind of music that gets played at parties that you’ll never get invited to. You know the ones I mean: everyone is pretty, takes the best drugs and no-one gurns. Opening with the slow, carousel like chime of Polkamatic, Vitalic has created an album of sonic blasts, dirty beats and rawkus guitars. My Friend Dario simply will not fail to make at least one part of your body move and No Fun recalls the kind of excitement that the Prodigy used to inspire. Why does French dance music kick so much arse? 9/10 Jon Davies

DJ FORMAT If You Can't Join'Em. Beat 'Em

THE FEATURES Exhibit A

Temptation/Island

Ah, you must be The Features, pleased to meet you, do come in. So the album's called Exhibit A right? I see what you've done there by sending the promo-copy in a real-life evidence bag, very clever. I dig what you've done with the record too. Sub-Kings of Leon vocals, two-minute length tracks – very New York, MTV will love it. And whoa, what's with the neo-new wave keyboard lines guys? The kids will go crazy. So what makes you fellas any different from the other bona fide rock icons currently strutting over the airwaves? You have a song that sounds like Hot Hot Heat? Awesome! Thanks guys, we'll call you. 1/10

Pias Recordings

Brighton based beat-smith DJ Format

FISCHERSPOONER Odyssey EMI

Before listening to this, take that Scissor Sisters record that you love so much, and set fire to it. Burn that fucking hollow soulless paragon of pseudo camp, because you don’t need it any more. This is the album that SS could have made if they’d thought for more than half an hour before making their "isn’t-itso-delicious-to-be-a-pretentious-ass" eponymous debut. Rather than peddle third rate flagrant Bee Gees impressions, Odyssey is a complex, layered and honest offering that actually succeeds in being fun. There, I’ve saved you from a life of endless vodkaand-cranberry mixers via blowjobs round the back of Minsky’s because the Scissor Sisters told you it was ‘cool.’ 7/10 James Anthony

28 S i n g l e s

Silent but violent: Chris lets one slip

NEW ORDER Jetstream London

Whilst this isn’t a classic and I’ve no idea what a Jetstream lover is (answers on a postcard), New Order just seem to have the formula for writing great pop songs. Over the group’s bubbly synths, the guest vocals from Ana Matronic help to ensure that Jetstream doesn’t disappoint. 7/10 Tom Brookes

SYSTEM OF A DOWN B.Y.O.B. Sony

SOAD sound like an awful comedy band. B.Y.O.B. is a hideous collage of ridiculous, inexplicable changes (one bad metal cliché for another) and dumb, dumb vocals ("Blast off, it’s party time") sung in a series of stupid voices. Maybe this mess-of-a-band’s popularity is a joke and was contrived to make me confused – here’s hoping. 1/10 Colm Loughlin

RYAN ADAMS AND THE CARDINALS Let It Ride Mercury

Fairly innocuous, twangy country track from the man commonly and quite offensively confused with Mr Bryan ‘Everything I Do’ Adams. The melody is pretty, set to lyrics about Delta Queens, endless moonlights and stranger’s angels. Can’t help but want to dosey-doe. 6/10 Katie Brunt

INSTRUCTION Breakdown Geffen

A big slice of idiot metal from America’s newest bunch of New-numetal nu-merchants. “You fucking piece of shit,” says the sample at the beginning of this song. Not a good way to win fans, you might think. Well, nor is releasing this puddle of drivel as a single. Ah well. 3/10 Harold Shiel

THE RIFLES When I’m Alone

Xtra Mile Stella holding men of Britain unite and admit it Lyla is chod. Self-doubt is rarely as fiercely delivered as it is here where its familiar guitar riff makes it instantly memorable. It’s time to leave the Gallagher’s behind for something a little more inspiring. 8/10 Samuel Strang

COLDPLAY Speed of Sound EMI

Speed of Sound hasn’t strayed far from the sound achieved in 2002’s A Rush of Blood to the Head. The song runs in a similar vein to that of Clocks building a solid platform for the rest of the album. Coldplay’s new album is called X and Y - the prospect of algebra has never sounded quite so appealing. 7 /10 Jimi Williams

FLEEING NEW YORK Up Up Up Up

AMBERSHADES My Darling

In the vein of recent highly-lauded prospects such as Kaiser Chiefs, Bloc Party et al., Fleeing New York deliver a highly competent two-and-a-half minutes of danceable indie rock. The lead singer’s vocals hit off each other marvellously and the simple, churning riff carries the proceedings along at a great pace. The single also features an excellent B-side At Night, an emotional and toe-tappingly proficient tune that wouldn’t be out of place in an OC montage. 7/10

Pop-rock that alludes to the classicism of Big Star and The Fannies but, being ultra-sanitised and mostly tedious, falls woefully short. This sounds not unlike lo-fi jokers Thee Bakery if they got an expensive producer in (that is to say tuneless AND bland). 2/10

Stuckup

Ewen Hosie

KAISER CHIEFS Everyday I Love You Less and Less B-Unique

It seems the Kaiser Chiefs have released the same song three times, each time a little shitter than the last. Of course I could make a joke with the song's title. But I won't. Because I can't remember which one I just listened to. 3/10 Jadine Wringe

Jack & Danny

Colm Loughlin

THE GLITTERATI You Got Nothing on Me Atlantic

You Got Nothing On Me starts out innocuously enough with a fast drum solo, before ascending to an impressively manic wail of ‘rawk’ guitars and glamtastic charm. Featuring the kind of chorus that finds its way into your head, sets up squatters’ rights and refuses to go away, Paul Gautrey’s drawling refrain of “you got nuthin’ on meee” is undeniably catchy stuff. Recommended. 7/10 Ewen Hosie

Photos: Charlotte Harries

L i v e 29

KAISER CHIEF’S RICKY WILSON: Everyday he loves you less and less. Miserable git.

KAISER CHIEFS/ NINE BLACK ALPS Great Hall

Saturday 21st April Kaiser Chiefs support band Nine Black Alps show they’re star quality, belting out songs catchy enough to impress this slightly apathetic crowd. Word of mouth means several hardcore fans know the lyrics back to front, but the rest are waiting for the main attraction of this sold out show. When the Kaiser Chiefs take to the stage Ricky Wilson embodies the kind of charisma front men would kill for, never missing a chance to dance wildly or display his admirable singing talents despite nearly having to cancel due to a throat infection. When he can’t quite make the chorus for I Predict A Riot the crowd are feverishly willing to help, whilst he chooses to interact with them through the medium of crowd surfing. The Kaiser Chiefs have the ability to incite feelings of awe as they bring album Employment to life, resurrecting some of the blander songs such as Time Honoured Tradition into little masterpieces, while at the same time making you feel like they are thoroughly enjoying themselves. They bravely finish with an unknown song, showcasing that they are not two hit wonders waiting for the inevitable backlash of a quick rise to fame but a force to be reckoned with. Ellen Waddell

unforgiving Hole) proves exhausting. If you are left feeling underwhelmed with the current crop of oh-so-hip NME picks that are in proliferation at the moment then it is imperative you discover this band. Ewan Hosie

30 L i v e

BOOM BIP/KID CARPET Clwb Ifor Bach Saturday 16th April

Equally laid back and complex, Boom Bip has been creating some very interesting music recently. The trouble with complex music is that it can turn into a shambles when translated to a live performance. Fortunately, dull knob-twiddling muso behaviour was avoided and a quality live show was put on. Slow Graffiti provided their characteristically schizophrenic line-up of local support acts, much to everyone’s amusement. I could have done without all the laptop tinkering between songs and being accosted coming out of Burger King after the show by Leon from SFDB was plain embarrassing. Other than that, the whole night was linked. Tom Scott

GUAPO, SUNNYVALE NOISE SUB-ELEMENT, SCARECROW The Toucan Club

THE CORAL Bristol Academy

Sunday 17th April

Sunday 24th April

Scouse scallies The Coral return to the road to promote their eagerly anticipated third album proper, The Invisible Invasion. Golden oldies are few and far between, but the fantastic Dreaming of You sends us scruffy haired greebos wild. The rugged, yet stylish, James Skelly dressed in a woollen cardigan, oozes confidence and charm. Poetic melodies on the radio gems (like the sea-shanty jaunt of In the Morning), and the dark, wistful clanging on the murky tracks (Simon Diamond) demonstrate The Coral's grand ability of mingling psychedelia and the pogo stick. The inspiration for the 'family' Coral is beyond our meagre comprehension, "Will you dance with the lepers in the madman's house?" (Arabian Sands), but the results are mind-blowing even if you're mushroom free. The seven-piece are a testament to Liverpool, the musical city which has clearly given them so much. James Woodroof.

65DAYSOFSTATIC/STRAY BORDERS/PART ROCKET Barfly Sunday 24th April

Thunderous. Unpredictable. Overwhelming. Just three words that prove insufficient in conveying just how good 65daysofstatic are tonight. Before their appearance though, there is capable support from openers Part Rocket and Stray Borders. Part Rocket is a one-off, playing a commendable (and lengthy) two-song set. Heavy on the atmospherics, the band are hard to pin down, with noticeable progressive rock, industrial and emo influences. Stray Borders are not so impressively diverse however,

and although both aggressive and musically capable the screeching vocals and familiar loud/quiet dynamic unfortunately fail to set the crowd alight. When 65daysofstatic do eventually take the stage to an appreciative, noisy reception from the crowd they launch straight into an excellent rendition of recent single Retreat! Retreat! which proves one of the night’s highlights; an emotional cavalcade of crunching guitars and brooding angst that manages the fine feat of being both alarmingly loud and beautifully serene. The set is punishing on the band, whose erratic movements and technical precision (an element especially evident during the

Tonight is testament to the tireless efforts of ‘Lesson Number One’ (a local gig-promoting team). First we are treated to the first ever gig by Scarecrows who feature two ex-members of Murder of Rosa Luxemburg. They peddle a good line in Kinsellaesque sweeping niceness and are met with a deservedly warm reception. They are followed by SVNS-E who combine mental pre-recorded beats with driven guitars and dirty basslines. Finally tonight’s main event rolls around. A vast gong looms over the drumkit just aching to burst the eardrums of all present. To the stage come three men; a Robert Downey Jr. lookalike with fetish-boots and a bass guitar, a short, thin, bearded man wearing a vest and carrying a pair of drumsticks. Then a blue-facepainted ghoul sidles up to the keyboard and begins the proceedings. What follows is a sermon from the high-altar of prog. The music is mesmerising and you can’t help but stare at the crazed leprechaun lurking behind the drums as he succeeds in manipulating his face like a Gavin Arvizo reconstruction. Who knows how long they play, as every minute is exceptional. A glorious evening’s entertainment. Harold Shiel

BRANT BJORK AND THE BRO’S/ WINNEBAGO DEAL Barfly Friday 29th April

Fighting through the billowing smoke of the Barfly, Winnebago Deal’s disappointing Dead Gone gets a spit-shine and scrubs up as well as a spotty, penny-sweet thieving ten year old after his mum’s taken her spittle-covered hanky to his face. If only a career could be made purely through live performances. I almost felt sorry for those who ambitiously dived to buy their studio pap. Almost. Time now for a quick chemistry lesson. When Ex-Kyuss meets Ex-Fu Manchu, stoner-rock perfection is created. The Bro’s bounce perfectly off each other, with hearty bass lines clashing with indulgent fret work to produce a blues-laden sound the streets of New Orleans would welcome. The hedonistic soundtrack to a drug-addled youth. Someone tell my parents I’m quitting uni: I’m off to be a hippy. Sam Coare

HARD-FI Barfly

Monday 25th April

Over their short career Hard-Fi have been compared to everyone, from comedy rude-boy Ali G to punk gods The Clash. But given tonight’s show it’s clear they fall somewhere in betweenBlur to be precise. With their geezer swagger and mild social commentary (“this is for everyone with a shit job!”) you almost expect Phil Daniels to bound on stage

for a good ol’ cockney knees up and a quick rendition of Parklife. Whilst this would have been lovely (in a bizarre sort of way), it doesn’t happen and we instead get a particularly uninspired cover of Seven Nation Army. On the basis of singles like Cash Machine and recent Top-20 hit Tied Up Too Tight, Hard-Fi are clearly a talented band and their dub-tinged rock could take them far. However, if you’re believing the hype and expecting them to deliver the next London Calling anytime soon, you’ve got a long wait. Tom Brookes

MARTHA WAINWRIGHT Barfly Wednesday 27th April

The Barfly is rammed, which really isn’t a good sign: Popularity and quality rarely coincide. Example: I’ve been to see the actually quite good Features here twice and there’ve been more humans on stage than off it. Martha’s fans are of a certain age – which says a lot. These unlucky-in-loveangst-ballads sound tailor made for the middle-age, middle-class coffee table set, and, given their low-volume inoffensiveness, lend themselves to chattering (which, in reality, is pretty offensive). Martha’s insipid crooning does, however, raise an important question: Why is folk so consistently misunderstood? The ridiculous assumption that employing a mid-tempo, an acoustic guitar, and some pretend meaningful lyrics, will work, makes it so infuriating.

L i v e 31 THE D4 Barfly

Friday 22nd April

The year is 2005. In terms of ‘cool’, New Zealand retro rockers are out and arty, smart-y British bands are in. On the basis of this rather fickle statement, The D4’s gig should be completely empty. However it isn’t, and while like many, this reviewer loves Britain’s current crop of new bands, sometimes you’ve just got to go with it and dive into the moshpit like it was 2002 all over again. Within opener Get Loose the crowd have been completely deafened, drummer Beaver has ripped his shirt off, and guitarist Dion has leapt into the crowd. New songs sound suspiciously like their predecessors, but with a group like The D4 it’s not what you play, but how well you play it and the exuberant crowd and near stage invasion are testament to this. The D4 aren’t going to be welcomed back by the music press darlings with open arms, what with rock posing and guitar riffs currently being as popular as MRSA in a children’s ward, but with shows this fun no one in their right mind is going to care. Rock ‘n’ Roll! Tom Brookes

Colm Loughlin

BATTLE Barfly Photo: Gemma Green

Saturday 23rd April

BATTLE: Personally my favourite Battle has to be the Battle of Verdun, 1916

Considering East Sussex's Battle didn't release their first single until two days after this gig, to see the Barfly near-full is a pleasant surprise. Battle are named after their home town near Hastings, which admittedly works better than me calling a band Oldham. After stints supporting Bloc Party and The Subways in and around London town, this was Battle's first headline tour. Switching between keyboard and Rickenbacker, singer Jason Banvandan looks every inch the part of post-Bloc Party early 80s cardigan-wearing front man. In fact the 80s indie comparisons are more resonant than that, Jamie Ellis’ twitchy guitar lines are swiped from The Cure, while Tendency, a Bunnymen-esque tirade against a night on the tiles, morphs from sounding like Gay Bar into a searing platform for the young band's talents. With the help of some generosity from a certain IPC-owned publication, 2005 could be a huge year for Battle. Will Dean

Music

Download Competition F

resh on the back of last issue’s guide to the best festivals this summer has to offer, Quench Music is offering you and a friend the chance to take in the rockfest of the year.... Headlined by Feeder, Black Sabbath and System of a Down, as well as boasting performances by Velvet Revolver, Slayer and Anthrax, the three day event promises to be the heaviest lineup to date. Fancy being there? Well, Quench Music is offering two weekend tickets, including camping and car parking charges, to one lucky winner. For good measure, we’ll even throw in a few CDs of main stage acts, some festival merchandise and enough Snickers to get you through the weekend (As well as possibly making you sick). So, how do you get your hands on this fantastic prize? Simply answer the following question, which we’re sure you’ll find astonishingly hard (There’s always Google for the rest of you...) Q. Which infamous rock venue is this years festival being held at? Send your answers to music@gairrhydd.com by Saturday May 17, putting ‘Download Competition’ in the subject line. For those of you in the stone age of pre-internet technologies, a scrap of paper into the GR office is more than acceptable. please include your name and contact details. Oh, and the answer wouldn’t go amiss either.

THE DISTILLERS wow the crowds at last years Download Festial

Film

film@gairrhydd.com

Quench 09 05 05

King of Hear t s KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

Dir: Sir Ridley Scott Cast: Orlando Bloom, Jeremy Irons, Liam Neeson Rel. May 6th, 145 mins

ingdom of Heaven is the latest epic offering from director Ridley Scott and follows the quest of French blacksmith Balian (Bloom) as he travels to Jerusalem on a crusade with his father Godfrey, brilliantly portrayed by Liam Neeson. Although there have been previous attempts to get a movie about the Crusades onto the big screen, Christians vs. Muslims has always been a tricky subject. Ridley Scott manages to approach the topic with an even keel, portraying Saladin as a wise and noble adversary to repel the invading Europeans. Mercifully Orlando Bloom rises to the challenge of playing a heroic character and manages to pull it off with certain flair. Much less wimpy than he was in Troy, he personifies Balian as a man who believes in the greater good of mankind but struggles with his acceptance of God. From simple blacksmith to inspiring leader he

brings his character to life with a formidable presence. Playing the part of King Baldwin is the superb Edward Norton, who provides a gentle ghostlike voice for the leper King of Jerusalem.

Thunderous calvary charges and sweeping decapitations Unlike Gladiator, there is a distinct lack of memorable quotes so you can’t impress housemates or those in the street with your recital of the Kingdom of Heaven equivalent of "My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North…" There is a rather disappointing end to some key characters though, Balian’s arch nemesis, a Templar Knight called Guy de Lusignans, doesn’t get the kicking he deserves and

there is a distinct absence of any real climatic show down. In addition to this Jeremy Irons’ Tiberias also departs without any real ceremony, which is unfortunate as he is a very likeable character. The action is well up to scratch, with a good, solid amount of blood and more than a few people charging about engulfed in flames. The battles that take place on a grand scale are also impressive, with thunderous calvary charges and sweeping decapitations. Overall there is no dramatic change from Scott’s usual style. The fight scenes are well choreographed, the soundtrack full of stirring choir solos and the scenery filmed with a muted dark-hued colour palette and moodily tinted skies. If you are a fan of Gladiator then you can’t fail to enjoy this highly watchable Crusade epic.

Alan Woolley

F i l m

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS

Dir: Peter Berg Cast: Billy Bob Thornton, Lucas Black, Tim McGraw Rel. 13th May, 117 mins

riday Night Lights has been marketed as fairly generic sports movie nonsense, perhaps in the vein of Remember the Titans. This though is a real film, and not of the garden variety; profoundly upsetting and pointed in its criticism, it’s concerned not just with football, but with the people who play it and the people it affects. This adaptation of Buzz Bissinger’s non-fiction book about one season in the football town of Odessa, Texas, contains just the right mix of grunting, cheerleading and backbiting, and expectations. Berg, whose track record of Very Bad Things and The Rundown directs like he spent a year shadowing Oliver Stone. Kinetic, with constant zooms, dissynchronous cuts and extreme close-ups, the mood he creates is one of melancholy and hopelessness, a hellish void that the characters cannot escape. Billy Bob Thornton is superb as Coach Gary Gaines. Sympathetic and level-headed, a bastion of sanity in a world that’s spiraling into oblivion. His obligatory half-time locker room speech becomes a last-ditch attempt to refocus the kids’ perspectives before their lives have a chance to come crashing down with the team’s defeat. The tender yet entirely unsentimental relationships between Gaines and his players, particularly quarterback Mike Winchell (Lucas Black) and James “Boobie” Miles (Derek Luke), the injured runningback, resemble actual interactions between a high school student and a mentor. Nathaniel McButtercup

ICE CUBE: Advising your children to jump onto helicopters

MEAN CREEK

xXx2: The Next Level

Dir: Jacob Aaron Estes Cast: Rory Culkin, Ryan Kelley, Josh Peck Rel: Out Now, 87 mins acob Aaron Estes writes and directs this coming-of-age film that has stand out performances and doesn’t pull its punches. Like a fusion between Stand By Me and Bully, Mean Creek is concerned with six youngsters who take a moral stance against a bully. Sam (Rory Culkin) is unreasonably beaten up by the school bully George (Josh Peck) and his brother Rocky plots their revenge. Understated Sam, protective Rocky, withdrawn Clyde, quiet Millie, and irritable Marty, all invite misunderstood George on a boating trip with the intention of stripping him and making him walk home naked. As the day goes by we start to have some sympathy for George, and the plan is temporarily aborted. Tensions are raised as George turns nasty and tragedy waits for all. Jacob Aaron Estes’ anonymous and subtle direction creates a realistic and believable world giving a documentary feel to the film. The ensemble cast provide the characters an unexpected depth with their honesty and naturalistic performances. Mean Creek is a debut that is a charming and endearing picture, with a poignant conclusion which is intelligent but not without conscience. Ryan Owen

MEAN CREEK: Without a paddle

Dir: Lee Tamahori Cast: Ice Cube, Samuel L. Jackson, Willem Dafoe, Xzibit Rel: Out Now, 101 mins apper Ice Cube joins the growing franchise as the new xXx but this time has to save his own president when an assassination attempt is discovered. This film provides every wannabe gangster’s wet dream: fighting with a cause. Although possibly not in the defence of George Bush. Designed to appeal to teenage boys only director Lee Tamahori has stuck to the testosterone recipe book to the letter. Much like every Bond film there is a good sexy lady and a bad sexy lady, along with cars that could single-handedly punch a new hole in the ozone layer. Explosions and murders are inside the first minute and a general consensus that if you’ve been to university you cannot possibly be cool. Ice Cube manages to deliver what is required of him in the role of the agent-with-attitude, but nothing more. Unsurprisingly the scene-stealers are Willem Dafoe and Samuel L. Jackson, although Xzibit gives a good turn in a warehouse West Coast Customs would give up their MTV spot for. Teenage boys will be salivating at the prospect of this film but unless you want to turn your brain off for two hours it may be wise to steer clear. Catherine Gee

The DVDon

Reviews you cant refuse

Paul Giamatti, so good in American Splendor, is fantastic here curling his lip and downing his bottle of wine. A tad overwrought Sideways still remains a heartfelt study of the middle age mental spread. A gentle and harmonic meditation on loneliness. The Don Says: “I am content with my age. If i feel the claw of death i simply drink the urine of a fevered hog”

HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS, rel. Out Now Zhang Yimou’s follow up to the excellent Hero follows the story of Zhang Ziyi as she finds herself in the midst of civil war up against the mysterious rebel sect The House of Flying Daggers. Awesome swordplay and high-wire acrobatics combine in a heady mix of love, war, and stunning grace. Simply stunning. The Don Says: “People should not fly. All creatures, except the speckled ferret, should stay grounded. ”

GARDEN STATE, rel. Out Now Zach Braff (star of criminally underrated comedy series Scrubs) makes his directorial debut in this tale of twenty something incertitude. Natalie Portman, Ian Holm, and the excellent Peter Sarsgaard provide the emotional crux as Braff struggles and explores with a life quickly growing stale. Reminiscent of Mike Nichol’s The Graduate this is a beautiful film built from the heart. The Don Says: “I admire a man who faces his pain and triumphs. Pain is a beautiful and profitable thing”

SIDEWAYS, rel. Out Now Alexander Payne’s summer tale of middle age crisis covers drinking, sex, narcissism, and pessimism yet never forgets to be wry, witty, and sly.

SPACEBALLS: SPECIAL EDITION, rel. May 9th Mel Brooks spoofs Star Wars in this pan-galactic parody of all things sci-fi. Never as funny as The Producers or

Film

Young Frankenstein it still remains a joyfully crazed debacle. The Don Says: “My brother had space balls. He lost one in a fight with an Ewok”

THE CANNELONI SPECIAL THE BIG RED ONE: THE RECONSTRUCTION, Rel. Out Now

am Fuller’s beast of a war film is somewhat returned to its true vision by film historian Richard Schickel. Recreating the real life experiences of Fuller and lead actor Lee Marvin The Big Red One is a lowbudget, high-octane, ballsy attempt to trace the seeds of war and its intoxicating madness. This reconstructed version lifts the original release from its crutches allowing it to breathe and spit. An excellent film that is brutal, honest, and raw. The Don Says: “A film of brittle dignity and lots and lots and lots and lots of blood and caranage”

GAIR RHYDD TOP 10 FILM SEASON IN ASSOCIATION WITH

The Gair Rhydd Top 10 Film Season continues over the next two weeks with two hyper-masculine kinetic masterpieces. Quentin Tarantino’s ultra violent fashionista flick RESERVOIR DOGS is showing on MAY 12TH. The following week we have Bryan Singer’s crime noir par excellence THE USUAL SUSPECTS on MAY 17TH. Both films are being shown in conjunction with CARDIFF UGC cinemas. Both screenings are open to everyone and admission is only £3 with a valid NUS card. If you don’t fancy paying for the pleasure then we at FILMDESK are here to help. We have five pairs of tickets for each screening. To win a pair of tickets to both films all you have to do is answer the following question and send it to grfilmdesk@hotmail.com as soon as possible. Q: Which glamour puss did Benicio Del Toro allegedly have a fling with in a lift at the 2004 Oscars?

Interview

Hitchhiker’s Paradise

As Douglas Adams’ The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy arrives on the silver screen, Craig Driver talks to Director Garth Jennings and Executive Producer Robbie Stamp about crazy fans, mammoth expectation, and nasal cavities.

Director Garth Jennings work to life was somewhat daunting. “Our initial reaction when we read the script was all these memories came flooding back of this thing that we’d grown up with and loved so much. The second reaction was that we couldn’t do this because there were loads of people like us who were fans, who take it incredibly seriously and that’s too daunting a task.”

“

resist it. To be honest once I got started, even just drawing the odd little picture, the idea of these hungry fans like ourselves, who were waiting to pounce, became abstract. That was until you asked me just now, and I’m really frightened again right now.” The danger of tinkering with a much loved radio series and television series was always at the forefront of Stamp’s mind. Stamp and Jennings were adamant that they would only go ahead with the project with permission from Adams’ family and close friends. “I talked with Douglas Adams’ family as to whether or not they wanted us, if we possibly could, to make the movie happen. They felt very strongly, because Douglas had so desperately wanted there to be a movie, that it would be a vindication of everything Douglas believed in if we could make a great movie. And so we set about doing it. This was always Douglas’ dream. Towards the end of his life he was getting extremely frustrated by it not happening.”

“

irector Garth Jennings is better known as the directing member of the pop video svengalis Hammer & Tongues. Best known for Blur, Moloko, and REM promos - they did the brilliant video for Blur’s Coffee and TV featuring a hopelessly lost milk carton - they’ve also put Jarvis Cocker in a stairlift, Joan Collins in a bathtub and Supergrass in gigantic puppet suits all in the name of the music video. Such a kinetic wonderkid would seem an obscure choice to helm the gargantuan task of bringing Douglas Adams’ galactic opus The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy to the big screen. With the help of Executive Producer, and long time friend of Adams’, Robbie Stamp, they have managed to create something remarkable. Despite the excellent source material Robbie Stamp is quick to point out that the task of converting Adams’ work to the big screen was never going to be easy. “It’s been a 25 year saga getting this movie made, I’ve personally been involved about nine years. Sadly Douglas Adams died four years ago this May, of a heart attack aged only 49, and at that stage I was left as the last executive producer. I worked with Disney, with Spyglass Entertainment and with [producer] Jay Roach to try and revive the whole thing.” It was at this point that the young pop wizard Jennings and his producer friend Nick Goldsmith were enlisted to help out. “We got a script together, and were lucky enough to meet Garth and Nick. They worked on a boat on a canal which, ironically, was just ten minutes from where Douglas used to live. And we started a relationship over tea and chocolate biscuits, which is a very good English way to start a relationship. We took it from there, and I really knew the movie had finally found the people who were going to bring it home.” For Jennings, a lifetime fan of Adams’ work, the task of bringing his

We started a relationship over tea and chocolate biscuits...

When asked if the massive expectation ever induced swathes of doubt during filming Jennings concedes that it was at first a little intimidating. “That was my initial reaction, but then when you start to wonder how you would design Marvin, or how I was going to do a Vogon poetry scene, then you suddenly realise it’s the best job in the whole world and you can’t

“

This sense of the responsibility in completing Adams’ dream was never far from the mind of Stamp. “That was very, very important to me, we all feel that responsibility to Douglas, his family and the fans very keenly and one of the crucial moments for all of us was the family seeing it, Douglas’s daughter Polly and her take on it. And they all loved it. They genuinely loved it and had they not been able to look us in the eye that would have been an awful moment, it really would. I was very keen that they should be involved, that they should be comfortable and happy with what we were doing. The decision to go ahead was primarily based on discussions with them. Had they said they didn’t want it to happen it wouldn’t have happened. But they’re delighted. Having ten-year-old Polly say ‘it’s cool’. I can live with that.” Stamp and Jennings are also keen to stress the point that the film up there on the big screen is primarily Adams’ vision as he wished. “Douglas left us with a blue print for what could actually be left out. The additional storylines and characters in the movie, Humma Kavula for instance, are entirely Douglas’ creations. They were additions that he wrote into the screenplay himself.” Even the casting decisions were influenced by Adams’ list of desired actors. As Stamp states, the list was long and plentiful. “Over the years Adams came up with a number of casting ideas that he thought would fit: Michael, Keaton, Robin Williams, Jeff Goldblum as Ford. A whole host of people. The only character that he ever stated must be wholly English is Arthur. That, for him, was the most important thing and I think that in Martin we’ve found an Arthur for the new millennium.”

Interview 37 tum. The design of the Heart of Gold ship was based on a tea cup on Garth’s office desk, while the cast in the pub were actually hired from an agency called ‘Uglies’. They were great. We really wanted that scene to be special. Actually that scene; the Barfly lady in that scene is the lady who played Trillian in the original TV series. We didn’t realise until we’d cast her.” Now that the film is in cinemas Stamp and Jennings are prepared for the backlash but remain adamant that they have been respectful. “I’ve been on the fansites and I’ve had to sit on my hands a lot of the time and not respond to some of the stuff said. We totally understand that people are extremely possessive and feel a sense of ownership with this story.” Stamp states that he, “spoke to Adams at length the night before he died” and believes he would be happy with the film. The fate of Hitchhikers’ would seem to be in safe hands. For all those hardcore Adamites fretting their spotty brows; relax, breathe, and enjoy yet another installment of Arthur Dent and his galactic adventures. Just remember above all things don’t forget your bath towel.

“

Garth Jennings (front) with his fellow Hammer and Tongues buddies

For Stamp this strict adherence to Adams’ wish, down to the smallest detail, was paramount throughout the film. “The one thing that we really wanted to keep in was the whale scene. That, for me, is the perfect summary of what Douglas was about. You have this whale contemplating the philosophical relationship between language and existence, you have the pure comedy of a blue whale falling through the sky heading towards the ground wondering it if it will make friends with him, and then you have the beautiful imagery of a thermonuclear missile inexplicably turning into a blue whale and a bowl of petunas. That, for us, was the litmus test. If that scene didn’t work then the whole thing would fail. We had people on the cutting room floor taking wagers on whether or not it would stay in the picture.”

The entrance to Humma Kavula’s temple is actually a cast of Douglas’ nasal cavity

It was this sense of wishing to stay close to Adams’ original vision that stayed with Jennings throughout. “When Nick and I first read the script our reaction was not to make something that was trying to compete with the current trend for CGI heavy movies. It would have been such a shame for it to try and outdo The Matrix or something like that. We wanted to do it in a more inventive way, have it be more old Star Wars than new Star Wars.” When asked if they expected the hardcore fans to spit bile at the film Stamp is quick to state that it was those very fans who helped in the finer details of the film. “Whenever we needed advice we had a long list of Hitchhiker supremos who we’d ring and ask for advice. If Sam wanted to eat some cereal around the set we’d ring again and check what cereal Zaphod would eat. In half an hour we’d have someone on the line saying ‘StarBix’ was acceptable.” This pervading sense of geeky saturation can also be found in some of the finer visual points of the film. “There are little references throughout the movie to Douglas. The entrance to Humma Kavula’s temple is actually a cast of Douglas’ nasal cavity; his sep-

Garth Jennings (right) on set with Martin Freeman and Marvin the paranoid Android

F i l m

Film Desk’s Ryan Owen takes a look at the best of the 2005 Animated Encounters Film Festival

INSPIRATIONAL INTERNATIONAL

2005 ANIMATION FESTIVAL

3 1

BIRTHDAY BOY

(2004)

Dir: Sejong Park Australia, 9mins 30sec

GET IN THE CAR

(2003)

Dir: Grey Holfeld Australia, 5mins 42sec

Birthday Boy is a beautiful short by Sejong Park, where Little Manuk dreams of his father’s life as a soldier. He returns home to find a parcel, and opens it mistakenly as a birthday present, to find his father’s possessions returned.

Children vomit far and wide in this anecdote of a family drive as arguments about personal space and a random hopping moose causes havoc. Classic 50s animation styles clash with a modern sheen. Family drama at its most precise.

SADDAM AND OSAMA (2003) Dir: David Wachtenheim USA, 3mins 40sec

Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden evade US troops with their magical powers in this political satire. In the South Park tradition this short readily mocks Jews, turns Saddam into pork scratchings, and President Bush into a monkey.

IN THE ROUGH

(2004)

Dir: Paul Taylor

USA, 4mins 50sec Hilarious short by Paul Taylor, in the vein of The Oggs animation. Brog the caveman discovers that a bachelor's life is a hard one, after being kicked out of his cave. Outside he battles monsters, face-hugging leeches and sets fire to his beard.

RYAN

(2004)

Dir: Chris Landreth Canada, 13mins 54sec

A truly great Oscar winning short. Chris Landreth’s talent shines in this accomplished piece. We see him interview a pioneer of Canadian animation about his alcoholic decline via an animation technique linked to the emotional crux of the scene.

BOZHESTVO

(2003)

Dir: Konstantin Bronzit Russia,4mins 30sec

This short borders on realism but segues into a preoccupation with bottoms as we see a God trying to stop a fly going up his golden backside.Surrealism and realism combine in a strangely hypnotic tale of ancient adventure.

GOPHER BROKE

(2004)

Dir: Jeff Fowler USA, 4mins 18sec

A hungry Gopher hatches a clever plan to get a quick snack, but other intuitive animals smash his plan. A hilarious Oscar nominated Pixarlooking short, where we see a poor little gopher implanted on a cow’s uber-behind.

A STEP ASIDE

GUARD DOG

(2003)

Dir: Sergey Ainutdinov Russia, 10mins An abstract funny tale of sorts between a hunter and the hunted, which goes back to the roots of animation with grey-shading. The animals try to alter fate by saving an injured hunter, only for him to return to his hunting ways. (2004)

Dir: Bill Plympton USA, 2005 5mins

This film answers the eternal question ‘Why do dogs bark?’ This Oscar nominated short is sublime with its erratic visuals of a panting dog. In five short minutes it even has time to see a Ronald McDonald costumeclad owner be ravaged by a bull.

Arts

Round The Horne Revisited - New Theatre

For those unaware of its existence, Round the Horne was a successful BBC comedy radio production that was a cleverly-written precursor to the now-common sketch show. Although largely a product of its time, with a near-constant reliance on innuendo (well, with Kenneth Williams in the fray, it was to be expected) it still retains its wit, and the characters are memorable. A staged interpretation of the show is an interesting prospect, and allows for cleverly implemented injections of visual humour that the original show lacked for obvious reasons, while the set design is innovative in its surrealistic interpretation of a BBC radio recording session. All the actors here are on fine form, and do an excellent job of interpreting the various creations of the original cast. Stephen Matthews’ performance as Kenneth Williams is uncanny in its replication of his original, idiosyncratic mannerisms, while Stephen Critchlow’s Ken Horne is achingly cool in the delivery of his witticisms. Round the Horne is worth discovering, and this production proves an excellent introduction although do be prepared for a few flat jokes (many of which are, however, amusingly selfdeprecated) and a relatively ‘mature’ crowd. Ewen Hosie

Chuckle-o-meter:

Quench 09 05 05

arts@gairrhydd.com

The Morals of Modern Day Myths - The Sherman WHEN I HEARD that this play was for over 16s only I knew it held promise. The play opens with an ambitious film writer/director who is suffering from a severe case of writer’s block. One day at the peak of his artistic frustration he offers four young writers a year’s internship with the company. The only proviso being, they come up with a great story at the end of it. The play follows one of the young writers as she desperately searches for a ideas. Whilst seeking creative inspiration at her local she meets a man with a great story and decides to use it. The play unfolds: there are nine stories within the whole play, each

taking a satirical look at the myths surrounding modern day relationships. The six members of cast worked well together, managing to play forty seven different characters convincingly. The production was impressive, fast paced and very entertaining. Cecilia Cran

Mr Nick’s Big Comedy Bastard, St Peter’s Hall It’s nearing 9pm on a Tuesday night in Comedy Club as I prepare for another evening of laughter and too much cheap wine. However, something is different tonight. This evening I find myself on the otherside of the curtain. Relax, dear reader, a performer I know I am not. I’m backstage with the new addition to Comedy Club’s weekly line up, and for students, they ain’t bad. We are all familiar with the perils of amateur dramatics - bad accents, over-acted angst and plenty of ‘getting in to character’ backstage. This danger becomes even greater when you discover all their material is selfwritten. Could Cardiff really produce its own footlights, or are they just face wipes? Don’t get me wrong, the bad accents, and over-acting are still present – but it’s all done in the name of comedy. I first saw Mr Nick’s Big Comedy Bastard performing as part of RAG week. Although the venue was small and stage difficult to see they bettered many of the proffessional comedians that night. I cannot express my joy at seeing what Blue Peter would actually be like if the BBC let So Solid Crew on as hosts: That Shit is Off the Hook. When congratulating them

after, feeling a little like a pathetic groupie, I was shocked to discover they were all students. Why did I not know there was such a wealth of comedy within the university I could have followed long before? So, as the lights dim, I begin to become nervous for them. A crowd of 200 awaits on the other side of these curtains and a forgiving audience they are not. I ask Mr Nick, the leader, how he’s feeling. He tells me he’s a little gassy today. I take a step back and allow them to warm up. Getting into character? Emotional recalll? No. Instead a round of “I was born out of wedlock” prepare this comedy troop for the evening’s proceedings. The compare begins the night with her usual deluge of contrived and ambigous…humour? “You’re not funny” shouts an audience member over the stony silence. My stomach turns hoping Mr Nick’s won’t be met with this kind of reaction. They take to the stage. Two seconds later, a line about painting slaves as badgers has the audience in stitches. Sit back and laugh. Sarah Bayes

Chuckle-o-meter:

g39

f the idea of visiting an art gallery conjures up memories of teachers screeching ‘don’t touch’ and a lot of pictures of old people, then fear not. g39 puts the focus on contemporary visual art produced by up and coming artists in an informal setting. The gallery is the project of an artist-run initiative called ‘contemporary temporary artspace’. Their

Who can say what weird and wonderful things you’ll find emphasis is on installation, photography, video and sculpture by British, and specifically Welsh artists. The g39 is actually a converted shop and, reassuringly, can be explored in a lunch hour (or a Wednesday afternoon – come on guys, you have to do something with

Trigger wasn’t all that Trigger Happy at g39

Elephants, big boxes and stair lifts - in an art gallery? your spare time). Besides, who can say what weird and wonderful things you’ll find inside? When we visited, an elephant was about to climb some logs and an eerie video installation featuring a stair lift captured our attention as part of the ‘Beginning, Middle & End’ exhibition. The gallery itself provides a permanent space for exhibitions, but installations in temporary venues are also a feature of the g39 philosophy. In the past, disused shop units, warehouses and billboards have been transformed into spaces for experimental art. Planned for September is a project called ‘Contained’ and it sure sounds like a fun way to culture oneself. As part of the Cardiff Centenary celebrations, g39 will install metal shipping containers around the city centre. Inside the containers will be innovative artworks by Welsh and international artists. The idea is that you walk around the city, checking out the various mini-galleries in your own time and without the pressure of visiting an art gallery. And possibly the best thing is that it won’t cost you a penny. Give it a try, you might even have fun. Kim O’Connor

Wyndham Arcade Mill Lane, Cardiff 02920 255 www.g39. 5 4 1

org

Arts

Whats On?

Cardiff Dance Festival 2005! The Cardiff Dance Festival will run throughout May, June and July. From international ballet and experimental performance, to contemporary dance, this festival presents the perfect way to prance into the summer.

" Welsh Independent Dance !" @ Chapter, 19 - 22 May " Northern Ballet Theatre !" @ New Theatre, 24 - 28 May " Alternative Routes !" @ Diversions Dance House 26 -28 May " Earthfall !" @ Chapter, 8 - 11, 14 - 18 June " Goat Island !" @ Chapter, 6 - 7 June " Andrea Servera !" @ Diversions Dance House, 12 - 13 June " Toni Mira !" @ Diversions Dance House, 14 - 15 June " Transitions !" @ The Sherman Theatre, 16 June " Diversions !" @ Diversions Dance House, 17 June " Sean Tuan John !" @ Diversions Dance House, 18 June " Ursula Mawson-Raffait !" @ Chapter 23 - 25 June " The Australian Ballet !" @ Wales Millenium Centre, 13 - 16 June " Welsh Independent Dance !" @ Chapter, 14 -18 June

D i g i t a l

digital@gairrhydd.com

Quench 09 05 05

Kung Fu can’t save you from big magical lizards, fact

Full of Eastern Promise Unravelling Eastern mysteries with Jade Empire on Xbox

PGs eh? You either love them or hate them, right? No, wrong. There was a time in the gaming world when loyalties were starkly divided between those who loved pretending that they were a level 50 mage whose only weakness was an enchanted shinbone or some such, and those who’d rather have their testicles caught in a mousetrap than endure such tedium. But times have changed for the better. RPGs are no longer endless dungeon romps for the clinically geeky. Final Fantasy VII showed us breathtaking graphics and thoroughly engaging storylines that pushed the boundaries of gaming forward into mainstream enjoyment. Ever since then, RPGs have been getting bigger, better and ever more engaging to the casual and hardcore gamer alike and Jade Empire from Bioware is one of the genre’s crowning glories. Jade Empire is loosely based on the legends of China; although Bioware has been careful to stress that it's not actually ancient China.

This allows them to play around with all manner of elements ranging from geography to the inclusion of technology (often magic-powered) such as aircraft. Your character starts out as the star student of a martial arts school in a remote village, and in typical RPG style, you and your companions are quickly caught up in Much Bigger Things - to wit, ghouls, fire bombings, and balance of heaven and earth - and sally forth to travel around the Jade Empire putting things right. Putting things right, in this context, involves interacting with a wide range of fantastically scripted and voiced characters, each with their own personality quirks and many of whom will ask you to do things for them. Some of these missions might involve just talking to people, using your personality traits (charm, intuition or intimidation) and Bioware's superbly detailed dialogue system to get what you want; others involve kicking some heads in to get your way. Many missions will actually conflict directly with each other, so you

have to choose which side to take, and those decisions will directly affect your path through the story. Fans of previous Bioware games will be familiar with this concept - for those coming to Jade Empire from action titles or with more familiarity with Japanese style RPGs, it's quite a revelation to have so much choice in terms of the storyline. of course it would be churlish to pretend that any game is perfect, but the only real fault in jade empire is a slightly simplistic combat system, should you care? NO. This game has a great script, an imaginative fantasy world, interesting and varied characters, loads of missions, moral dilemmas and a wide open, branching storyline. Then take a moment to consider the stunning graphics and a fabulous musical score and realise that Jade Empire is an AAA title that you should, nay, must own!

Best of the Web

Digital

Shred it! Shred it all!

Coursework? Revision? Exams? You’re far better off wasting your time on the net es, it’s that time of year once again where work should take precedence over your life, well nuts to that! Instead let’s take a look at some of the finest bilge that the web has to offer.

http://www.ssiworld.com/watch/wa tch-en.htm Or as it’s better known Watch It Shred. Quite why no-one has done this before now is beyond comprehension. There are very few things in life that feel sweeter than watching some cruelly sharp and powerful blades mince and destroy random things. From plastic toys to whole PCs nothing escapes the shredder’s wroth, the perfect distraction from learning.

www.savetoby.com Save Toby is one of the strangest (non-pornographic) websites that you are likely to come across. Toby is the cutest, cuddliest, fluffiest bunny in existence. Look at his perky ears, his big brown eyes and his little nose, aww! What a shame that come June Toby is for the chop. Yes thats right, he’s one dead rabbit. the thing is Toby was a rescue rabbit and despite his new owner’s best intentions, he can’t afford to keep him This is where you come in. If you care about all creatures great and small, and I’m sure you do, then you can donate some money and keep Toby safe, fed and watered. I’m not sure what the little sod eats, but apparently his needs come to the grand total of $50,000 US. Frankly I’m not sure that he deserves it. The pictures of him plated up, in the saucepan and even on the chopping board only encourage me to look forawrd to his demise, greed is bad don’t you know. So instead of working, how about contributing to the death of an innocent little animal, yes a fine plan indeed. But before the outrage about animal rights begins, rest assured that the whole thing is just a high quality hoax. What a pity!

Books

books@gairrhydd.com

Quench 09 05 05

Books does the Baylit Festival

FFORDE: Read from his last novel

PHOTO: Mari Roberts

he literary glitterati descended upon Cardiff Bay last month to participate in Baylit 2005. High profile names including Will Self, Jasper Fforde, John Humphreys and Dick King-Smith all appeared at the Festival to talk about their work between April 16 and April 24.

The Festival, run by academi, also featured the stars of the Welsh literary scene. Gillian Clarke was unveiled as the first Capital Poet to celebrate Cardiff’s centenary and recent Books interviewee Catrin Collier discussed why ‘chick lit’ is marginalised with Cardiff author Lynne Barrett-Lee. The Festival was kicked off with the long list of the nominations for Welsh Book of the Year 2005. Three of the nominated authors, Trezza Azzopardi, John Williams and Owen Sheers, took the stage with broadcaster/writer Jon Gower to discuss their work. Another highlight of the launch was John Humphreys’ discussion of his latest book Lost for Words: The Use and Abuse of the English Language, his crusade to save the English language. Jasper Fforde read from his latest novel Something Rotten, Howard Marks performed his one man show An

PHOTO: John Briggs

Kerry-Lynne Doyle takes us through the highlights of the Festival and talks to Richard Gwyn about his role at Baylit

Book of the Year nominees Audience with Mr Nice and Will Self showed his genius by reading and discussing his third collection of stories Dr Muktie and Other Tales of Woe. All in all the event was the perfect showcase and intellectual meeting place for the current Welsh and UK literary scene. Baylit 2005 ensured that Cadiff was firmly established as a thriving and varied hotbed of literature.

Poet and author Richard Gwyn on poetry and Welsh fiction How does it feel to take part in Baylit? Baylit was good this year: there were some great writers there so I was pleased to take part, although the preview of the novel was only a very minor event. The Colour of a Dog Running Away is your first novel after four poetry collections. Was it a challenge moving from writing poetry to a novel? I had been thinking about a novel for a long time and had written some introductory pages in 1997 so the idea was there. But, to be honest I didn’t think my concentration span was big enough to finish a novel. Then I reasoned that if I could write a PhD thesis I could probably write a novel. In the end I wrote a 500 page book and my editor suggested cutting it down to 350, so I needn’t have worried. The biggest challenge for someone like myself, used to writing poetry and very short fiction, was first what to do with all the freedom that the form offers, and second how to maintain a character’s consistency of thought and idiom across the whole distance.

Because it was a first novel I was keen to experiment with different ways of presenting material. I was used to working within quite strict constraints and, of course the novel allows you to do and say practically anything, so I had to write a lot of drafts. It was an education.

time when a lot is happening in the literatures of both the languages of Wales. I believe the coming years will see the blossoming of a remarkable period for Welsh writing, as occurred in Scotland in the 1990s. For anyone new to Welsh fiction, where would you recommend they start? For me, the two outstanding contemporary Welsh novelists are Trezza Azzopardi and Niall Griffiths. What are your tips for any budding authors and poets? For fiction writers: love your characters (if you don’t, nobody else will give a toss about them). Poets: Be in command of every line you write and always read your work out loud.

You recently edited Pterodactyl's Wing, a collection of works by Welsh poets written in English. Is promoting the voices of Welsh writing important to you? Definitely. I am poetry editor of Parthian, so I get to see a lot of new work. I get to read fair bit of new fiction. I am fortunate to be working at a

And finally, describe The Colour of a Dog Running Away in 20 words. Mystery postcard boy meets girl passion ecstasy outcast on rooftops cathar cultists in reincarnated chemically stimulated Barcelona redemption song.

Sheer talent

Books 45

Kerry-Lynne Doyle chats to Welsh Book of the Year 2005 nominee and poet Owen Sheers

He has worked on the Big Breakfast, presents for BBC Wales and Andrew Motion named him in the Times as the poet to watch in the new millennium. Not bad for a guy only just into his thirties. When I meet Owen at the launch of the Baylit Festival, he is personable and strikingly genuine. Asked about how it feels to be nominated for Welsh Book of the Year he is remarkably modest. "I’m thrilled and very fortunate really. I know everyone says this but there is such an excellent long list of good books this year. All of the books stand well on a national, not just a Welsh, level." The Dust Diaries documents the life of Sheers’ great-great uncle Arthur Cripps, a missionary in Southern Rhodesia (modern Zimbabwe) in the early 1900s. When asked what researching and writing the book was like, Owen remarks how the two were inextricably intertwined. "I was very fortunate with the research. I started in the Bodleian where an amazing story unfolded

before me. I was very conscious of showing my sources when writing. I wanted to do him justice and liked getting into the material. I didn’t even know I would write a book when I first went to Zimbabwe." Owen went to Zimbabwe in 1998 and finished writing the novel in January 2003: "most of it was written in the last six months. When you get into the groove of writing you feel like your life has stalled." Talking about his poetry, Owen says that growing up in the Black Mountains and Abergavenny is crucial to his work. Not speaking Welsh is one issue which appears in The Blue Book. He laughs, "I am a blip. Everyone else speaks Welsh in my family". Talking about his forthcoming collection, which will be published by Seren in October, Sheers says it will focus more on pervasive thought. After studying at Oxford, Owen went on to study MA Creative Writing at East Anglia where he was under the wing of Andrew Motion. "Oxford stopped me writing. In retrospect it gave me an understanding of the jigsaw of the canon and how different genres fitted together. East Anglia let writing be part of my life. Doing an MA in Creative Writing is a great way to see whether you can be a writer." PHOTO: John Briggs

wen Sheers has a lot to be proud of. After his first poetry collection The Blue Book was nominated for the Forward Prize Best First Collection and Welsh Book of the Year in 2001, his first novel, The Dust Diaries, has been nominated for Welsh Book of the Year 2005.

SHEERS: Talking at Baylit Asked to name the poets he admires he cites R.S. Thomas, Dannie Abse, Robert Minhinnick, Keith Douglas and Elizabeth Bishop. Authors he admires include Milan Kundera: “I really like the games he

MOTION: A fan of Sheers’ poetry plays with the fact/fiction debate. It was a real interest of mine particularly when writing The Dust Diaries." Alongside his writing and work on television, Owen is also a keen athlete. When I ask him whether it is important to his work to lead a varied life, his response is definite. "Louis McKee said something about poets needing to be interested in politics, sport, women/men and I agree. To write about life you’ve got to be connected to it. Sport has always been important to me. I was here for the Grand Slam and the shared emotion of 70,000 people was amazing. I’m really against the Ivory Tower idea that you need to lock yourself away to write." As the interview comes to a close, I ask Owen for his advice for anyone wanting to write. "I’m still learning. Keep learning and getting better. Become an honest editor of your own work. Your drawer is the best editing tool you can have; leave your work in there for a few weeks and you can then look at it with an honest perspective after the fury of writing it. My biggest piece of advice is to read. You can’t write without reading.’ When the interview ends we chat and he thanks me for my time. I am left impressed and refreshed by this rising star of the Welsh literary scene.

Books

Book Bag

IT’S NOT A RUNNER BEAN Mark Steel

The Do-Not Press his book screams ‘nice bloke down the pub’. Steel writes in a very conversational and, it must be said, very funny style. He is as at ease lamenting everyday foibles as he is bigger political themes (although his views are predictable in the extreme). But he doesn’t really commit to anything. He mentions his political activism only in passing as he does his radio and writing careers. I recognise this is probably the point (it’s a chronological biography) but that’s no excuse. If you’re familiar with Mark Steel this won’t be anything more than a mild throw-away distraction and if you haven’t watched the Mark Steel lectures or read Reasons To Be Cheerful (apparently Bob Monkhouse was a big fan).

Colm Loughlin

MONKHOUSE: A big fan

FATHER JOE Tony Hendra

St George’s Press manating from a pioneer of the satirical form, Father Joe is a semi-autobiographical account of one man’s struggle for self-fulfilment that is, somewhat ironically, devoid of any humour. HENDRA: Created Tap Tony Hendra, who found his comedic feet with National Lampoon, Spinal Tap and brilliant Spitting Image, has produced a seemingly heartfelt version of his battles with religion which falls disappointingly short in terms of entertainment. Hendra follows a journey, where awakening Catholicism and subsequent loss of faith, is difficult to empathise with. In Father Joe he has created a saint in a man. I use the word created tentatively, for his monastic character seems more fictional than real, with an overtly compassionate nature that I can only assume is hyperbolic. While my disappointment in this book may come down to my cynical nature and atheist stance, I feel that what could have been an eclectic tale of one man’s downward spiral becomes a sermon on the importance of worshipping God by ‘finding oneself’. While I hold no contempt for those who find pleasure in religion, its account does make for a rather lacklustre read.

Gemma Ellis

THE ROUGH GUIDE TO ETHICAL SHOPPING Duncan Clark

Rough Guides his book provides a clear and comprehensive run-down of pertinent issues for the aspiring ethical consumer. It examines every type of consumption, from fish to fuel, earrings to ethical investing and seeks to educate, rather than instruct, the reader.

The reader could be forgiven for expecting Clark to give predictable moral lectures, such as ‘buy local produce’ and ‘don’t support companies with sweat shops in the Third World’. There is actually a lot more to it than that. The issues are examined from every angle. The focus is on understanding ethical consumerism and the reader is left to draw their own conclusions from their new, informed position. It’s refreshing to read something which acknowledges the complexity of the subject rather than just assuming that big business is bad. The Guide is unbiased and worth reading. Hannah Perry

BIG BANG Simon Singh

Fourth Estate n the first three minutes after the Big Bang, most of the hydrogen and helium in the cosmos were created. Most of us accept statements like this if they are spoken by old white-haired physicists. But how the hell do we know that? If this question interests you, this is your ideal book. Singh neatly sets out our current knowledge of how the universe started, as well as outlining how the Big Bang theory developed over the years. Along the way he recounts how Aristarchus measured the diameter of the Sun in the third century BC (yes, BC), how Copernicus and Galileo discovered the Sun was at the centre of the universe; how Cassini proved the speed of light was finite in the 1670s and how Lemaître set out the basis for the Big Bang model in the 1920s. It makes fascinating reading as Singh includes enough personal information and humorous anecdotes to offset some of the duller parts. Singh also has a knack for conveying complex theories in plain ways (even if he occasionally oversimplifies). A highly enjoyable COPERNICUS: Cool guy and edifying read.

Mark Kelly

Going Out

experience. Still, it’s the only coffee house that serves your drink with a complimentary biscuit, which is never a bad thing, and the coffee itself is definitely drinkable. Sadly, Aroma suffers from its close proximity to Martyz Kitchen (Crwys Road). Although small enough to have problems swinging a modestly-sized feline, Martyz nevertheless offers a good range of food. Paninis, bruschettas, salads and breakfasts - they're all here, along with a mouth-watering selection of deserts. And waitress service and a bill at the end makes it perfectly possible to waste entire days in this place. As ever, of course, the proof of the pudding is in the coffee, and it doesn't disappoint. The wellmixed blend of beans makes for a more-than-agreeable drinking experience. Those really in the know, howev-

Harold Bishop: coffee-related er, legend

however, will ignore the coffee and head straight for the milkshakes, which, given the quality of the coffee, is high praise indeed. For a lot of students in the rabbit warren that is the backstreets of Cathays, Hoffi Coffee (Woodville Road) is probably a regular haunt. Its name translates literally as 'Like Coffee' and boy we certainly do. It's quite possible that this place may serve the best cappuccinos and lattes this side

This is very nearly coffee perfection, until you open your eyes and realise you’re trudging down Park Place, rather than Madison Avenue of the Severn Bridge, and the cakes are pure indulgence. The only thing letting it down is the slightly limited food menu and a slight lack of atmosphere on a wet Tuesday afternoons, but it's more than adequate to do the gair rhydd crossword spend time revising in a relaxed atmosphere. A quick mention must be given to O’Brien’s in the union (Seren Las and Graduate Centre). It may be a little pricey, have slow service and less than optimum coffee drinking surroundings, but if you’re around the union and need a boost before lectures there really is little to better it. Smoother than Sinatra in his pomp, it goes down easier than Jodie Marsh on a first date. In fact, this is very nearly coffee perfection, until you open your eyes and realise you’re

trudging to lectures down Park Place in the rain, as opposed to strolling down Maddison Avenue But all these places are lacking the je ne sais quoi needed to reach coffee nirvana. Fortunately such a placeexists, and its name is A Shot in the Dark. The array of food and drink on offer is only just matched by Martyz, but there are several aspects that just put this place at the top of any coffee lover’s list. The first is the fair-trade coffee itself - a wonderful blend that smells like heaven and tastes like it belongs to a higher plain of reality. King of all coffees is the ‘Shot in the Dark’, which takes a normal Americano back and throws in a couple of extra shots of espresso for good measure. As it’s such a short walk to the Trevithick building it’s little wonder many engineers often seem so wide-eyed. But if you’re going to make an afternoon of it, the food gives you ample excuse to lie back on the sofas and relax. Doorstep sandwiches, cakes, pasta salad and a mouth-watering tapas menu are all on hand to whet the appetite. And if you're feeling a little too wired after excessive coffee drinking, the Chilean house wine, both red and white, is very gluggable indeed. Beware of entering into this place; you may never want to leave.

Photos by Adam Gasson

F o o d

food@gairrhydd.com

Quench 09 05 05

If music be the food of love...

...Let’s have a bite of your maracas

As spring approaches and we all get our kit off, Claire Bonham and French chef Patrick Lucien show you how to capitalise on all that excess sexual energy

ove is a many splendid thing... love lifts us up where we belong.... all we need is love... Yep, it’s that time of year again spring! As the weather hots up so does our appetite for love. To make sure this spring brings you more than just warmer weather follow our handy guide and you won’t get it wrong. The link between food and passion has been explored for years anyone who has seen 9 1/2 Weeks knows how far a bit of whipped cream can go but if the state of your kitchen is anything to go by, smothering your loved one in chicken shish while your flat mate listens in the front room is about as far from sensual as you can get. But this doesn’t mean you can’t create a love haven and have your own passion - fuelled food frenzy. Getting in the mood is a pretty important part of a successful romantic evening, here we enter the world of edible aphrodisiacs. Throughout the ages the genitals of particularly

randy animals have been prized for their magically potent effects. The Kama Sutra suggests a ram’s or goat’s testicle boiled in sweetened milk, and sparrows’ eggs with butter and honey is supposed to make you insatiable. But for the less adventurous of us there’s always the traditional oysters, mussels, asparagus, fennel, pine nuts, and chocolate to name a few. Even the banana contains an alkaloid that acts on the brain to increase self-confidence and sex drive. Some foods are considered aphrodisiacs simply by their appearance, others by their certain qualities of minerals. Six oysters contain five times the government’s recommended daily allowance of zinc, and zinc is essential in reproducing sexual hormones. So do aphrodisiacs even work? The answer is questionable but no one can deny the effect certain foods can have. A dozen oysters and champagne is far more likely to get you

No need to be a pro to seduce someone into bed

going than plate of egg and chips. Just the idea of someone preparing you a romantic evening is an aphrodisiac in itself, and with foods like chocolate and caviar on the list we can’t really complain. With a bit of imagination you can have all the luxury of a French brasserie in your own living room. Cook your loved one a meal and transform your bedroom, with some candles and sexy music (if you can bear it). It may be predictable but you’ll be there to reap the benefits. The food you choose to cook says a lot about you, it’s often the first sensual signal you offer. So it’s important to strike a balance between the licking and sucking potential of à la carte moules marinières and the plain old spaghetti bolognese. Try and make sure at least one course is eaten with fingers - either start with something like Thai king prawns, or finish with chocolatedipped fruit. You could eat the whole meal with your hands, but scooping risotto out of the pan might be a bad idea. The most important thing is originality and inventiveness, it’s not cooking by numbers. As long as you’ve tried to incorporate some of the aphrodisiac ingredients, and have shown a bit of flair, you can’t really go wrong.Even going for a picnic with a hamper full of your favourite foods is far more fun than sitting in a dull restaurant. To help your evening go smoothly French chef Patrick Lucien has devised an aphrodisiac fool proof menu that is cheap and easy and will most definitely get you in the mood.

Mmmm... white chocolate!

Food

and allow to cool completely. Save the pan, do not wash it. Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees. Combine butter, mustard, rosemary, garlic and a dash of salt and pepper. Slather the butter mixture onto the lamb. Gently press the pine nuts onto the lamb to cover the mixture. Place the lamb in same pan you seared it in and put it into the 400degree oven for 15 minutes for medium to rare. Let the lamb rest on cutting board for five minutes then cut the chops between each bone. Arrange on a plate and pour the juices from the pan onto the lamb. Loversâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; note: feed them to each other and let your partner lick your fingers clean. White chocolate mousse Steamed asparagus

Pine nut encrusted rack of lamb

Take a bunch of asparagus and hold each one individually at both ends. Bend them until they snap. This point will be where the asparagus starts to taste woody. Put the asparagus ends in salty boiling water and boil them for a few minutes, but do not over cook them. Make sure they are blanched. Meanwhile, either follow the instructions on the back of a hollandaise sauce packet from Tesco or, if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d prefer, just melt knobs of butter onto the blanched asparagus.

2 racks of lamb (14 oz each) Salt (preferable sea salt) Freshly ground black pepper 1/2 cup pine nuts 2 tablespoons butter at room temperature 2 tablespoons of Dijon mustard 2 tablespoons of chopped rosemary 1 tablespoon of minced garlic Season the lamb meat with salt and pepper. Heat a large ovenproof skillet on high and sear meat for about four minutes. Remove lamb from skillet

200g bar of white chocolate, 8 passion fruits, 1/2 cup hot water 2 1/2 cups whipped cream 3 egg whites 2 teaspoons sugar Melt the chocolate. Whisk vigorously while gradually adding hot water to obtain a smooth paste, and remove from heat. Fold whipped cream into chocolate mixture and stir until well mixed. Break passion fruit in half, and empty contents into a bowl. Use a little water to help rinse the juice out of the skins. Mix with hands to soften pulp. Strain through a sieve. In a separate bowl, beat egg whites until they are foamy and carefully fold in the chocolate mixture and the passion fruit so that it remains fluffy. Refrigerate for one hour and serve in tall glasses or a shell made of chocolate. Envie de chair (Flesh wanted)1 1 measure of gin 1/3 measure of Cointreau 1/4 measure of dry Vermouth 2 dashes of grapefruit juice 1 dash of lime juice 1 or 2 teaspoons of ginger Put everything into a shaker with ice and shake well. Strain into a cocktail glass frosted with lime and ginger.

C u l t C l a s s i c s

classics@gairrhydd.com

Quench 09 05 05

You can’t go too far wrong with Simon Pegg and his gang when in need of a little light exam relief THE SECRET VAMPIRE...

BIG TRAIN

MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA

Bis

Created by: Graham Linehan

Arthur Golden

I thought I’d watched just about every sport under the sun but then, courtesy of Simon Pegg and co, came the World Starring Championships. Just one of many comedy moments that makes up the true brilliance that is Big Train. Although not to everyone’s taste but with subtlety and, on most occasions, extremely absurd Pythonesque humour, it had me and my friends wetting ourselves for weeks at a time. Mention Big Train to a fan and somewhere along the line (in my experience almost instantaneously) they will recall jockeys. Anyone who can create cult comedy out of jockeys deserves to be noticed, in my opinion. Other moments that stand out have to be that of Ming the Merciless

Memoirs of a Geisha is a beautifully written mesmerising story. Written about the geisha Sayuri, it documents her life and her transformation into a successful geisha in a ruthless world. Golden’s writing is so subtle and convincing it is often easy to forget that the story is not being played out in front of your eyes. I was, initially, concerned that because I knew nothing about geishas, I would not understand the novel. However, the images are so evocative and any technicalities are explained so fully that I often forgot that I was a novice to the subject. Sayuri’s tales of being taken from her home, parted from her sister and her awful treatment in the early years of her life are truly heartbreaking. Her encounters with Hatsumomo, a successful geisha who eventually becomes her rival, are equally saddening. The novel also touches upon the emotional side of being a geisha. Sayuri is faced with a conflict between her genuine love for one man and the favour of Nobu-san, a man so influential that she cannot spurn his advances. Overall, if you want a tale that includes love, divided loyalties, bullying and friendship and a book that will transport you to another world Memoirs of a Geisha is for you. It is a tale written so eloquently and to so sensitively that you really will not want to put it down.

Chemikal Underground Records (1996)

Taking inspiration from the amateurish antics of Blur and Huggy Bear, Bis were one of the most beautifully strange phenomenon of the late ‘90s indie music scene. Aggressively primitive and defiantly childish, Bis claimed to be at the forefront of “the Teen-C Revolution” which translated as young adults wishing and acting like they were still in primary school. Following the release of the Transmissions on the Teen-C Tip EP, the band moved to the Glasgowbased indie label Chemikal Underground releasing The Secret Vampire Soundtrack early in 1996. Containing only four songs, the EP crosses D.I.Y. aesthetics with the incessant bounce of New Wave dance pop. Always quirky and gleefully precious Bis never dared to be anything but irreverent and playfully indulgent. Standout bubblegum gem Kandy Pop features the insanely catchy chant ‘Push it down, pull it up’ layered over a sugar coated slipstream of jutting guitar and fizzing keyboards. The three other tracks Teen-c Power, Secret Vampires, and Diska complete the eclectic but essential quartet. At the time of their split in 2003 they were composing music to go along with the Powerpuff Girls video game. Need anything more be said? Original to the point of obscurity Bis will always be admired and essential if not always remembered. Craig Driver

Starring: Simon Pegg (1998-2002)

doing his household chores and the new owner of the Ritz trying to change the name of the famous hotel to the Titz. To be fair, you only have to look at the writers and the cast, and what they have previously done and gone on to star in to see how funny this is likely to be; with such series as Spaced, Nighty Night, Father Ted, and Brass Eye all as notches on their battered bedposts. As ridiculous as its concepts may be, it really is impossible not to laugh at the witty scripts and grade A directing. Pegg and co’s touches surely make this one of the best comedies to grace our screens in recent times. Pure genius. Will Schmit

Vintage (1998)

Kerry-Lynne Doyle

Television Tu n n e l V ision

By Katie Brunt Television Editor o how was it for you? Dr Tatiana’s Sex Advice To All Creation (Channel 4 last week) sure had me reaching for the proverbial sick bucket. Am I now a more rounded person for knowing exactly what a cow’s penis looks like, and how the banana slug (more Coleman’s mustard if you ask me) likes to eat its own member? And don’t even get me started on the shove-hand-up-cow’s-arse scene. Part of the hilarity was seeing Dr Tatiana aka plummy Oxford graduate Olivia Judson, in her crisp white power suit, when the man removed his hand from up said cow’s arse along with heaps of poo – she didn’t even flinch, not even a morsel of disgust on her face. Good girl. The gory facts were great, Tatiana was palatable, and even the sight of a bit of turd and semen was manageable; but the last

Quench 09 05 05

tv@gairrhydd.com straw for me was those fecking musical interludes featuring hopefully embarrassed ‘actors’ dressed as asexual bdelloid rotifers and such-like, singing and prancing around like someone in a particularly low-budget Scissor Sisters video. Top marks for new icebreaking facts, bottom of the class for shite animal sex reconstructions set to song.

DR. TATIANA: Will see you (and your fancy dress slug) now

ans of mine will know that, due to my crucially central role at gair rhydd and Quench as TV editor, I do indeed watch a fair bit on the small screen. I watch several truly great programmes (Desperate Housewives, No Angels, The Wright Stuff, The O.C – mock at your peril) but, alas I also

When the man removed his hand from the cow’s arse – she didn’t even flinch, not even a morsel of disgust on her face. Good girl trudge through a fair bit of tripe. This week the drivel has been coming in the form of four females known as the Loose Women (ITV1 2pm daily). Now, I don’t know how many of you have noticed, but these assorted bunch have had a bit of a style revamp following the last series, which means Kaye Adams’s hair coordinates with Kerry Katona’s blouse, and Coleen Nolan’s bracelet blends delicately with Jane MacDonald’s eye shadow. It’s spigging ridiculous! (Yes I also watch Neighbours, hence the Stingray swear word.) Also, I’m convinced the scenery changes colour too in accordance with the girls’

accessories. You’ve got no excuse not to have a gander; Loose Women comes on just as Neighbours finishes, and so gives you the perfect opportunity to mock the ladies whilst simultaneously delaying revision by another whole hour. ther bits of hogwash I inspect weekly are, unfortunately, the commercials. There are some gems of course (notably the return of Tim Vincent in the new Specsavers ad and the Boots ones where balloons suddenly inflate from within various bathroom items-tickles me every time), but with these come the ghastly adverts that make you want to beat yourself with a wet fish. Take for example the insurance claim adverts. You know the ones: "I’m a trained labourer, but one day I was given the wrong ladder to climb a building and although this was a really twattish thing to do, I went up it anyway and then I fell and I hurt my head really badly and now I want some compensation please, thank you." And "I’m a fat heifer but I squeezed my flabby arse into a chair at work and it broke under my enormous weight, I want some dosh to get some liposuction." People please, get these imbeciles off our screens to make room for those with brains.

JENNY POWELL: Loose woman.....pnaaaaaaar

54 B l i n d

D a t e blinddate@gairrhydd.com

Quench 09 05 05

Did he tickle her fancy? The date @ Charlotte Skelton

Ben Tickler

19-year-old 2nd year Zoology student looking to tame rough and rugged indie boy.

21- year-old Economics student seeking outgoing girl, who’s up for a laugh.

1. What was your first impression of Ben? Attractive, friendly and easy to talk to. 2. Did sparks fly? There was a bit of a spark, we got on very well. 3. Did you have a lot in common? Yes, we had an in depth conversation about Neighbours. 4. Did you go out after the date? Yeah we met up later in Molokos. 5. Will you see each other again? Hopefully, it would be nice to. 6. Did you enjoy your date, was it what you had hoped for? Yeah. I had a good time, it was better than I expected. 7. Sum up your date in three words. Fun, drunken, free.

Rate your date out of 5

1. What was your first impression of Charlotte? Pretty girl, very approachable, easy to talk to. 2. Did sparks fly? There was a bit of a spark but nothing major. 3. Did you have a lot to talk about or were you constantly looking at your watch? Really easy conversation, fun and enjoyable evening, I had a a really good time. 4. Did you swap numbers? Yes, I asked for her number. 5. Will you see each other again? Maybe, I’m not sure at the moment. 6. Did you enjoy your date, was it what you had hoped for? Definitely, really fun evening, not a typical blind date. 7. Describe your date in three words. Fun, enjoyable, interesting.

Rate your date out of 5

Free food and booze plus the chance to meet your love match, what more could you ask for? Interested? Then contact me at blinddate@gairrhydd.com or text me on 07746503742...what’s the worst that could happen?

S exual H ealth A w areness G roup. Free condoms alwa always available available from outside the ShAg Office. New New member s alwa always welcome. welcome.

If you go into heat, package your meat.

Tom Waits for no man, except in the......

Quench 09 05 05

Vinyl

Resting

with Bastian Springs

Place

s a young child I used to happily sit in the living room of my house with Mother Springs and a jumbo-sized rusk. One of my favourite animated cartoons of the time was American animation series The Chipmunks. Now imagine my surprise when I heard Alvin (it may have been Theodore actually), my favourite chipmunk, blaring out of my wireless. For the heinous mis-use of a talented rodent, Akon finds himself in this week’s Resting Place. Also in this week’s bargain bin of the banal is 70s crooner Tony Christie, previously famous for sounding a bit like Tom Jones, except without the songs. Christie gets in on account of being number one for 32 weeks, and as Bryan well knows, it gets to a point where you become a thorn in the public’s eardrum. This point By Bastian Springs Adams was in February. Gentleman, let’s get ready to rumble...

Tubthumping

Record #9 - Akon - Lonely Crime: Animal molestation

nd they don't get much smoother than this chap. Not only is the original king of silken textured crooning Bobby Vinton (of 'Blue Velvet' fame) sampled to within an inch of his dignified life, but the softcore wishy-washy bum kiss musical production wouldn't sound too out of of place excreting from a swans arse either. Aliaune Thiam, who prefers

to use a pseduonym that sounds like a brand of correction fluid, first barked some samples of his wear on the utterly dreadful, repetitive dirge that was 'Locked Up', is now "Lonely" too. Who does he think he is, the Album Camus of Westwood-orientated slick shit? Aside from the obvious diseased rodent effects, this lyrically redundant, flatulent ode to having to spend a couple of nights

away from the cristal defines and then redefines just what it is to be a terrible piece of music in the year 2005. What's worse is that by the time you lean back, put away your copy of Quench in the 'to read on the bog' pile, the bargain-bin-Usher Akon will have wormed his slimey, sickly charms, and sold more records than anybody else in a country of nearly 60 million people. We're all to blame.

AKON (left) DISEASED RODENT (right)

Record #8 - Tony Kay “featuring” Peter Kay - (I’m On My Way To) Amarillo Crime: Killing off the already undead

Peter Kay: ‘Wahey I’m not funny’

bet when Tony Christie woke up one morning in March this year, he couldn't believe a song he originally sang in 1972 was at number one. Now, as he wakes up on a warm May bank holiday, I bet he wished he'd been a fucking roadsweeper all his life. I leave you this week with a joke I heard the other day: A woman goes into a doctors surgery with a serious problem. "It's an emergency" she tells the receptionist,

"It's driving me mad". The receptionist offers her an immediate appointment and she rushes into the doctor's room. The doctor asks her to take a seat and she sits cross-legged on a chair. "What seems to be the problem?" He asks. "Well," says the lady "I've got this problem where every time I open my legs, I can hear the sounds of Tony Christie singing 'Amarillo' resonating out of my vagina!" The doctor writes this down, and

nods his head. "It's really worrying me - look" she continues, as she uncrosses her legs and opens them wide on the chair. Suddenly the sounds of "Ooooh Anne Marie she waits for me!" fills the room, before the lady sheds a tear and closes her legs up again. The doctor leans over to her, and pats her on the shoulder. "I wouldn't worry too much" he says "It seems that every cunt's singing it".

Who’s up next week? Kula Shaker? Mel C? Towers of London? U2? Until then, rest in peace xxx Challenge Bastian to a ‘who knows more about shit music duel’... bastian@gairrhydd.com

Going Out

goingout@gairrhydd.com

Quench 09 05 05

Those who know gair rhydd editor Gary Andrews will be aware that he is powered solely by coffee. This week, he’s hijacked Going Out to bring you d his guide to the myria coffee shops around Cathays and Roath. “Hello, I’m Gary, and I’m a caffeine-aholic...

nce upon a time, when you thought coffee shops you thought mothers with pushchairs and old couples sitting at stained tables, drinking what was more or less just lukewarm water with brown grit in it. Now, inspired partly by Friends and partly by the continental café culture, Cathays and Roath are likely to contain almost as many coffee shops as pubs, each offering a veritable smorgasbord of choice, from lattes to mochas, all with the option of paninis and muffins to accompany them. No longer solely used to drag you

Drinkers in Coffee No.1, Gary Andrews not pictured

through all night dissertation sessions, the lowering in price of filter coffee and the plethora of different styles has meant that coffee has become a way of life; the new beer, if you will. But there‘s coffee and then there’s coffee, and with so many small shops to choose from, the quality is bound to vary. With this in mind I embarked on a mission of not-so-epic proportions in an effort to discover the best coffee house in Cardiff.

Although not big enough to swing a modestly sized feline, it’s nevertheless possible to waste entire days in this place Large chain companies such as Starbucks and Coffee Republic have been ignored in this quest – after all, you can visit them in almost any city in Britain and many of you either know what the coffee tastes like or avoid them on principle. Coffee is all about individuality, and Cardiff’s caffeine pushers have this abundance. First up is AJ’s Coffee House (City Road). It’s a very different beast from other coffee shops, with light-coloured walls and well lit by long blue striplights hanging from the ceiling. There’s a huge stack of CDs behind the counter ranging from jazz to rave-

to indie, and there’s a distinctly American feel to the place. Sadly, however, the one thing that lets this place down is the coffee itself. Bitter and grainy, it can be a bit of an unpleasant experience after a night out and, combined with the metallic furniture, doesn’t exactly entice you into spending an afternoon lounging around with a constant supply of cappucinos. Still in Roath, we find Coffee No.1. Formerly Atlantic Coffee, this popular retreat for both students and stressed shoppers has since been taken over by the slowly expanding No.1 brand that, until a couple of years ago, was just a small shop near Central station. The name may have changed but everything else is pretty much the same. The food is tasty, the coffee is smooth and goes down all too quickly and there's even a garden outside for those lazy summer days. A very solid coffee house that's difficult to fault in any way. Café Aroma, near the top of Crwys Road, suffers from a bit of an identity crisis. The décor says sedate and laid-back with plenty of smartly varnished wood and leather sofas. But right in the middle of the place is a big plasma TV playing a dodgy music channel. It might have worked if it was a video equivalent of Radio Two, but constant replays of Meatloaf make it very difficult to fully enjoy the