Volume 108 Number 1 by Gargoyle Humor Magazine

Vol. CVIII No. 1 Fall 2016

Table of Contents 1. Moral Panic 2. This Page 3. That Page 4. Philosophy Volume CVIII, Number 1 Fall 2016

5. Mail 6. Oblong Table

Caleb P. Nusbaum . . . . . . . . . . . . [Sit Master]

7. Oblong Jousting

James Mackin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Never Slackin’

8. Made That Bitch Famous

Jenny Ghose . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Millipede Father Alex Boscolo . . . . . . . . . . . . . Internet of Swings Matthew Benson . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Bendaughter Ilma Bilic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Snifflelifagus E.A. Chavis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . MC Delta G Luke Collard . . . . . . . . . . Wait, He Graduated Claire Denson . . . . . . . . . . . A Formidable Shitter Marjorie Graber . . . . . . . . Pocket Full of Twigs Colleen Hillard . . . . . . . . . . . . Pepperonie Babie Ellen James . . . . . . . . . . . . Gourd Have Mercy Andrew Keating . . . . . . . . . Diarrhea Anne Frank Jeremy Kruman . . . . . . . . . Still Barely Human Nick LaCerva . . . . . . . . . Pinstriped Poontang

Ben Leigh . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . “Jawn” Sarah Neff . . . . . . . . . . . . . . My Nama Neff Tanner Petch . . . . . . . . . . . .Tanner Petch Sarah Posner . . . . . . . Malfunctioning Toaster Akash Ramanujam . . . . . . . Happy Pill Bug Duncan Reitz . . . . . . . . . . . . Bad Fireman Michael Rosenberg . . . . . . . . . . . Cornferno Simone Shemshideni . . . . . . . . Ssssssshhhhh Fiona Tien . . . . . . . . . . . . . Q Batteries D Wang Zhao . . . . . . . . . . . ey b0ss Direct all complaints, comments, submissions, and proclamations to

The Gargoyle 420 Maynard Ann Arbor, MI 48104

gargmail@umich.edu Visit us at: www.gargmag.com

9. Spicy Meatballs 10. Ross Pre-Admit 11. Brought To You By 12. Weeaboo 13. Otaku 14. Part 1 15. Part 1 The Sequel 16. The Sensuality of Touch 17. Pure And Good Content 18. Pumpkin Spice King 19. We Talk Politics 20. MGargoyle 21. Immediate Superlike 22. Earthquake! 23. Alternative Psychiatry 24. Sellin’ Out

Fall 2016

Philosophy by Caleb P. Nusbaum, editor-in-chief

Well friends, another Fall semester is upon us. Sidewalks are bracing themselves for the yearly onslaught of vomit (it’s very stressful - that’s how they get cracked), professors are tricking out their tweed jackets with fre$h elbow patches, and unoriginal squirrel jokes are brewing in the minds of every goddamn Freshman. Normally this section is where the chief editor waxes poetic about the history of our fine publication. So: The Gargoyle is a very old magazine. It’s mad funny. Arthur Miller (the Death of a Salesman guy) wrote for us, so that’s pretty cool. You should read it, and maybe even consider dropping in on a meeting or two, Fridays at 6:00 pm at 420 Maynard. Now that that’s out of the way, I want to talk about cranes. The editorial staff of the Gargoyle humor magazine has taken an official position against cranes in Ann Arbor. We are sick of their unnerving presence and the psychological grip

they exert over us. Have you ever seen a crane moving from one location to another? I didn’t think so. One day they are not there, and the next day they simply are. How do they get there? Do they grow from the ground like some travesty of bamboo plants? Are they hurled from the heavens like the bolts of Zeus himself ? They stand motionless with their blinking lights, mocking us, practically daring us to crack the enigma of their existence. They are an affront to nature and whichever god(s) you believe in. Several times I have walked near a crane and felt a sudden urge to kill my entire family. This must end. Also, how the fuck do cranes stand up anyway? I’m no architecturologist or anything, but it seems to me that something that tall and skinny and unbalanced ought to fall down very quickly, and maybe make a cool explosion. The only explanation is that some advanced technology is holding them up. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen the base of a crane. Once I tried, but when I got within a certain distance I found myself turning the wrong corner for no apparent reason. Clearly

the cranes, or their unseen masters, do not wish to be exposed. This brings us to ask, why is the University undertaking so many construction projects? Answer: they are being directed by the infernal cranes to create an environment more suitable to crane-kind. I tell you, this is where it starts. Before we know it we’ll wake up and it will be cranes in every direction, as far as the eye can see. It is dawning on me that there may be nothing we can do to stop this. However, I intend to fight in any way that I can. My first name has three letters in common with the word “crane,” so I will be legally changing it to Doug. I encourage all of our readers to contribute to the cause. Look for “No Cranes, No Pains” bumper stickers on our website shortly - $5.00 each or 3 for $12.00. Because this is the Philosophy section you might think this is all a silly thought exercise. I assure you it is not. This shit is for real. Stay the hell away from cranes. The big metal things that is. The birds are okay, although females can be aggressive when they’re guarding eggs. So don’t do anything stupid. - Doug P. Nusbaum

HEY YOU. JOIN THE GARGOYLE Are you interested in any of the following? Humor Writing

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please direct all hate mail to The Gargoyle 420 Maynard -Ann Arbor, MI 48104 & direct suspicious packages to gargmail@umich.edu Dear Gargoyle, I wanted to write to tell you that your publication saved my marriage. My wife and I are very busy people, so we don’t always have time to go to the store before we run out of toilet paper. And by ol’ Murphy’s Law, I’m always dropping a deuce when we run out. What’s a man to do? As it happens, he can surreptitiously wipe his hairy ass on the bath towel. What can I say? It gets the job done! Unfortunately, my wife has taken notice. Don’t think I don’t notice the period blood on the washcloth, Cheryl! Anyway, she confronted me about the towel and we’ve been showering apart ever since. That is, until I picked up your latest issue to add to my Crapper Collection™. I’m sure you see where I’m going with this. We ran out of toilet paper, yada yada, and I was just about to guiltily grab the bath towel, when your magazine caught my eye. I tore out a couple pages to wipe my ass—worked like a charm! My wife loves me again. We’ve been making passionate love ever since. She even gave me the divorce papers to use when I run out of Garg pages! Thanks Gargoyle, Loving your Shitty Magazine

culture, and it would serve you well to keep that in mind before telling children that their oddities are somehow acceptable. That shit is for behind closed doors. Love your shit. Keep it weird, Kati Dear Kati, You seem to be confusing our abstract depiction of the grip Capitalism exerts on the common people with anal vore. A common misconception. Clearly fine art is beyond your grasp.

Dear LySM, We hope you noticed our transition to extra luxuriant aloeinfused paper. We weren’t sure if the expense would be justified, but now we know it was. It feels good to help people. Dear Gargoyle, As a naturally anxious mother of 8, I was horrified to find your publication in my youngest son’s backpack. Not only did your illustrations trigger my fight-or-flight reflex, but your prose was very obviously written by, at most, 3 people in alternating, poorly-rendered personas. Your political commentary was shallow and demonstrated a clear lack of understanding of anything relating to the function and duties of federal or state government. I’m disgusted with the thought of my children growing up and going to a university where people like you are considered the intellectual crowd. Your publication has inspired my life with more fear for the future of this country than any political movement could have achieved. Love your shit. Keep it weird, Kati Dear Gargoyle, I’m normally the quiet type, but I noticed something in your last issue that I simply couldn’t ignore. I’m into most tasteful fetishes, but your coverage of anal vore promotes a type of behavior that is damaging to our youth and presents a very real, existential threat to American culture. Don’t get me wrong, I’d abso-fucking-lutely eat a dude given the chance. But I wouldn’t tell anyone about it, and I certainly wouldn’t celebrate it. Self-hatred is one of the most sacred pillars of Western

Fall 2016

THE COSTCO CRUSADERS Written by Nicholas LaCerva

hud! Two idiots named Bobby and Phil tumbled through a hole in the bottom of the dumpster that they were previously digging through for food. Concussed and reeking of garbage, they found themselves tumbling through a dark tunnel. “Ow, that hurt! Bobby, I told you that the dumpster at the Renaissance Fair wasn’t the best place to find food!” “Well soooorry Phil, but I just wasn’t going to let you bring me back to Waffle House. Hey, are we going down a tunnel right now?” “It certainly seems like it! Let’s just hope this tunnel doesn’t bring us somewhere crazy, like back in time to the year 523 in Medieval Britain!” “Yeah, that would be a real bummer!” When the two idiots reached the end of the tunnel, they had been transported to the year 523 in Medieval Britain. They found themselves in the middle of a surprisingly well-lit and technologically advanced wholesale store. The tunnel had taken them

directly to the store’s entrance, amidst a series of cash registers and shopping carts. Bobby and Phil took in the smells of mutton samples. “Whoa, where are we?” said Phil. “I have no idea,” said Bobby,

“but I must say that the lute music sets a nice atmosphere.” “Dude, that’s a lyre,” said Phil. “While you try to get cultured, I’m going to go ask that guy where we are.” The two idiots walked up to a man who was wearing a very puffy red tunic that was somehow still too tight on him. He was the store’s greeter, and he was shouting about bargains to customers who paid him no attention in return.

“Hey, Shakespeare-looking-dude, could you tell me and my friend where we are?” said Phil. “Why, my fine gentleman, you are in Medieval Costco, the finest membership-only warehouse club in the entire Kingdom of Wessex! Since this seems to be your first time here, I’ll give you a tour, free of charge!” “See, dude!” Bobby said. “This is way better than the Waffle House!” “Well, I must agree,” said Phil, “because the clientele here does seem to be much more finely dressed. Except for that drunk, naked guy over there, of course. Hey, Shakespeare dude, is he supposed to be naked?” “What? Where?” said the greeter, “Oh, not him again! Helenaaaa! Put some clothes on that court jester! Sorry about that, kids. That kind of thing happens here from time to time.” “Don’t worry, I’m used to it. That’s how my mom’s boyfriends usually look when they leave the house in the morning,” said Bobby. “Jeez Bobby, why do you always have to say things like that?” asked Phil. “Anyway, what kind of things do you sell here?” “Well,” said the greeter, “We’ve got everything you could ever want. Over there is our weapons section. Our standard rate for chain maces is 5 for a shilling. And we’ve got a deal on sabers: Buy one, get one 25 percent off !” “Ahhh! I’ve been impaled!” shouted a man getting stabbed by a saber. “Actually make that 50 percent off,” said the greeter. “Man, what a deal. I wish I had exchanged my money for some medieval cash while at the Renaissance Fair!” said Bobby. “That all sounds nice,” said Phil, “but do you have anything for more expensive tastes like mine? You know, like some luxury goods?” “I know just what you’re looking for,” said the greeter, “Here is the first bowel movement of our beloved King Arthur completely encased in bronze. His second bowel movement is generally referred to as the

‘Knights of the Round Table.’” “Ooh! Sick medieval burn!” said Bobby. Bobby went for a high-five, but the greeter was too busy contemplating the broken political system of his tumultuous era. “What else you got?” said Phil. “Well, we’ve got necklaces made out of teeth, wine goblets made out of skulls, and rock candy made out of real rocks!” “Why would people want to chew on

witches? Follow me.” The two idiots and the greeter walked over to see three witches: two of them were very beautiful, whereas the third one was most certainly an elderly man in a witch costume. “Yeah, so this section is a little off the books… but these two are fifty shillings, and this one,” said the greeter as he pointed at the elderly transvestite, “this one will cost you onehundred.” “Why in the name of Sir Gawain is that one more expensive?” asked Phil. “Well, when this one was locked up in the county prison, it actually choked one of the guards and nearly strangled him to death. So… if you’re into that kind of thing you’re going to have to pay a little extra.” “I’ll pass,” the two idiots said in unison. “Have it your way,” said the greeter. The three stared at each other in silence for a few seconds. “Well, would you like to buy anything?” “Yeah,” said Bobby. “I’ve changed my mind. I’ll take the little witch fella.”

“When the two idiots reached the end of the tunnel, they had been transported to the year 523 in Medieval Britain. They found themselves in the middle of a surprisingly well-lit and technologically advanced wholesale store.”

Fall 2016

rocks?” said Bobby. “Well how do you think we got all the teeth for the teeth necklaces? Come on, kid, try to keep up.” “So, besides you and the naked court jesters, who else works here?” said Phil. “Do you have wizards and witches working at the deli?” “Ha!” laughed the greeter. “As if we’d ever let the witches work! Don’t you know that we sell the

Tony di Napoli’s Authentic Italian Restaurant and Accredited University For a Master’s Degree in Physiology or some of the freshest Prosciutto this side of the Huron, come to Tony di Napoli’s! We’ve got eggplant parmigiana and life lessons just like Mama used to make.

If you want to go back to school without sacrificing access to 24/7 Italian food subsidized by the U.S government through questionable but not quite llegal non-profit shell companies, come to Tony di Napoli’s. That’s some nice ignorance you got there. It’d be a shame if something were to...happen to it. Make your mama proud. Join a nice Italian school. Fall 2016

Contact Dean of Students/ Night Cook Michele Rosello for enrollment and reservations! 9

Econ 207 Problem Set Professor: Andrew Keating 1. Suppose you own a sweatshop in Vietnam. The supply of labor can be represented by W = 5 – .10Q. Each worker can produce 200 unlicensed Spongebob T-shirts per hour, and the demand for counterfeit merchandise is represented by P = 10 – 0.5C. Assume that the only costs for production are wages. a) At what wage do workers produce the optimal amount of shitty knockoff T-shirts? b) A pesky local government official has become aware of hazardous work conditions. You can pay off the government inspectors once a month for $20, or you can bribe a police officer $200 to have the government official die in an “accident.” If you expect your factory to be inspected for one year, which option should you choose? c) Oh no! The factory just caught on fire, and you didn’t build enough doors! You have to rehire a labor force, and the new labor supply curve is W= 5 - .09Q. Find the productivity-optimizing wage. 2. Now, let’s say you’re one of the workers from Question 1. Your wife burned to death in the fire, so your children have to drop out of school and work in a factory or face starvation. However, national GDP is increasing at an unprecedented rate! Discuss how relieved this makes you feel. 3. You operate a steel mill in Texas. Suppose the minimum wage is $7.50 per hour, and the cost of the frequent workers’ compensation payouts at your factory is $100,000 per year. a) Suppose you don’t want to pay your workers a living wage, so you decide to hire immigrant children instead for $2 per hour and no longer provide workers’ compensation. Calculate the incredible savings! b) One of your workers complains about the hazardous conditions. Using information from the readings, discuss how you might use his illegal immigrant status to coerce him into silence. 4. You run a waste processing facility near an elementary school. The revenue per ton of pungent, poisonous fumes that you emit can be modeled by R = $50,000 – 50Q. The marginal cost of processing is fixed at $3,000. a) How much toxic waste do you launch downwind into Kerby Elementary School? b) Suppose that the PTA brings about a class-action lawsuit because their children have become brain damaged. After the settlement, you must pay $8,000 to the families of each child proven to have been affected by the pollution. What is your new profit-maximizing output? c) Suppose that ten years down the line, the government gives you a tax credit of $9,000 per ton of fumes emitted as part of a new jobs program to employ mentally disabled workers, so you hire the children you disabled, who now have no other career options. Discuss the cruel irony.

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Pollack’s Food Reviews - Wendy’s “Nothing beats classic American soul food. But for those on a budget, Wendy’s is no name to scoff at.”

othing contributes more to student life and the University Provost’s stipend than the literal bread and butter of this institution: fast food chains. Now that school is back in session, it’s time to do another mandatory review of the highest-bidding restaurant. For the 5th consecutive year, I will be reviewing the most respected and oldest still-existing entity from Ohio: Wendy’s. Nothing beats classic American soul food. But for those on a budget, Wendy’s is no name to scoff at. And given their contributions to the university in just the last year, we literally couldn’t afford to not promote them. And with their Hot & Fresh Wendy’s Double Baconator™ starting at $4.99, they practically promote themselves. And yet, here we go. Sitting down to have my Hot & Fresh Wendy’s Double Baconator™, the first thing I noticed was the subtly and carefully constructed ambience of the cafeteria. The faint smell of cleaning fluid, used by our wonderfully diverse custodial staff, imparts a gentle feeling of safety, inviting me as if to say “welcome, you are hoMe here.” My first bite into the semen-less burger was, in short, an experience of its own. The patty, which can only legally be described as “meat,” had a consistency similar to many other burgers that I have enjoyed in my lifetime. Some of said burgers were the best I’ve ever had. Like these burgers, the Hot & Fresh Wendy’s Double Baconator™ had some of the qualities one looks for in any eating experience. Those qualities that may be found in this burger include: taste, lettuce, nutrients, mass, calories, and mouthfeel. In fact,

Fall 2016

none of the qualities of my favorite burger in the world were missing in this Hot & Fresh Wendy’s Double Baconator™. Also, the bread was fine. Upon finishing the burger, I couldn’t help but notice the lack of nausea that I normally feel with so many other foods that I eat, whether from Panda Express or the back room Sitting down to have my Hot & Fresh Wendy’s Double of South U Pizza where Baconator™ they keep the good shit. The relief that came to me from this feeling (or lack thereof) is what makes me so excited to announce the newest line of Wendy’s products: The Novocarne Menu. It’s all the classic Wendy’s meals that you know and love, but without any of the nausea or regret. How do they do it, you ask? Wendy’s has partnered with Novocaine©, the largest producer of Procaine in the American Midwest, to give you local anestheticinfused burgers, sides, shakes, and even water. No longer will the excuse of “I fucking hate myself every time I shove that disgusting shit in my mouth” work, because you won’t feel a thing for up to 6 hours after your meal! (Disclaimer: if the effects last for more than 6 hours, contact your physician immediately. It is likely due to a rare but most likely fatal lapse in Wendy’s meat quality control.) All in all, I would say this is the most pleasurable Wendy’s experience I’ve ever had. If I had to give the food a rating, I would give it a 12.5.

Final Rating: Yummy / Great 11

Fonzasaur

Type: Dragon Ability: Percussive Maintenance (increases Attack and Speed of allied Electric types)

Aycharsee

Type: Whatever you want it to be Ability: Ceiling Shatter (increases Attack one level for each female Pokémon in play)

Kastyervoat

Type: Normal Ability: Lesser of 2 Evils (Depending on which move it uses, either poisons or paralyzes itself)

Bildwall

Type: Rock/Flying Ability: Meltdown (self destructs when opponents dodge this Pokémon’s attack moves)

iGun

Type: Steel/Psychic Ability: Stand Ground (increased Accuracy on Dark types)

Squirrel with a Knife Type: Normal/Steel Ability: has a knife

Larry David

Type: Normal Ability: Kvetch (causes enemy PokĂŠmon to flee after 5 turns)

My Horrible Cheating ExWife Karen

Type: Poison/Ice Ability: Alimony (takes 1/3 of your earnings from battles)

ART Expose yourself to some culture, asshole. :

Duncan Reitz

Tanner Petch

Sarah Neff 14

JXM

Ilma Bilic

Fall 2016

Sarah Neff

Getting Up Close and Personal with a Pro Snuggler transcribed by Caleb P. Nusbaum

r. Marlon Krilgis is a 40-year veteran of the professional cuddling industry. Gargoyle journalist Hubert Nudnik snuggled up to him for an exclusive interview. Nudnik: First of all, thank you for agreeing to conduct this interview on such short notice. Krilgis: It’s my pleasure. No muddle can stop a cuddle, as they say. N: So, what made you decide to become a cuddler?

position. The remainder of the interview is conducted in this fashion. N: Mmm… this is nice. I feel like your body is perfectly shaped to fit mine. K: Well, when you’ve been at this as long as I have, you start to pick up on the subtle stuff. Notice how my gut cushions your tailbone from my belt buckle? You won’t see a cuddler doing that nowadays. They just bend 150 degrees at the waist and call it a day. No finesse to it.

enough to do it. I remember it so clearly. Ray Thomas was begging her not to go. He stopped short of restraining her with his signature four-limb lock. But Sue, bless her heart, she just couldn’t bear to see a client in need go un-cuddled. The client fell asleep during the session, and he… he rolled over, and the rest is history. I… [pause] I should have been there. I should have checked on Sue but I was running overtime with an old widow, one of my regulars, and… [long pause] I’m sorry, you’ve opened some old scars. But it’s good to talk about it.

N: So, do you think the spirit of cuddling has K: Well, for most of my youth, I was sure I been lost? N: We can change the subject if you’d prefer. wanted to be a sheep farmer. I actually ended up getting a Ph. D. in agricultural science. I K: No doubt about it. Kids these days think K: Yeah, I don’t like to think about Sue too worked in the farming industry much. for a few years until I realized I really just liked hugging the N: Do you have any advice for sheep! And you know, humans “Every client is unique, so you need to young people starting out in the aren’t that far from sheep – tailor the cuddling method to whoever cuddling industry today? they’re just less hairy and they you’re with, not like these modern don’t bite. Usually. [laughs] K: One, buy a turtleneck sweater. It doesn’t have to be expensive, cuddlers who all do the same thing.” N: [laughs] So you really feel just a cozy one with a nonlike cuddling is your calling? threatening color. You’d be amazed at how far that’ll get you. Two, don’t take they can just waltz into a client’s bed with a K: Truly. [pause, deep breath] You know… if I anything in this business for granted. Cuddle damn t-shirt, do a basic one-arm wraparound, hadn’t started cuddling as a career I don’t think as often as you can and don’t get complacent. and that’s all there is to it. Honestly, I haven’t I’d be the man I am today, if I were even here If you can’t get jobs, practice on large dogs. seen a decent cuddle job since the turn of the at all. Three, be willing to cuddle anybody, anytime, century. Man, this is making me feel old. any place. Once you’re more established, you N: Can you elaborate on that? N: Can you recall a period that you would can afford to get a little choosy with clients, but point to as an example of professional cuddling for the first five years or so, be prepared for a lot K: Cuddling shapes you into a more in its prime? of dirty couches and sweaty backs. I’d say 3 out thoughtful person, I think. It’s like painting – of 4 cuddlers don’t make it past the five-year you have to focus real deeply on the technique, K: ’84… that was a good year for cuddling. mark. This line of work is rewarding, but it ain’t on all the intricacies of the cuddler-client Some of the best cuddlers were operating in merciful. [laughs] interaction. Every client is unique, so you need ’84… Raymond Thomas, Eileen Frink, and to tailor the cuddling method to whoever you’re good old Sue Groton, may God rest her soul. N: I never knew how cutthroat cuddling could with, not like these modern cuddlers who all You should have seen how we cuddled. And ’68. be. do the same thing. You could get essentially I was just a kid then but I’ve heard the stories. the same effect from one of those Japanese K: Damn straight. But I have job security. A lot of cuddling was happening outdoors body pillows that weirdos buy. This might No one cuddles like me. I’m the last of a dying or on shag carpeting. Of course the cuddlers sound sappy but I think cuddling is a beautiful breed. and their clients were all zonked out on LSD. language. [sighs] A wordless language of touch. I wish I could have experienced that myself. Nudnik requests that recorder leaves room so [laughs] N: You’ve mentioned how the techniques he can continue cuddling with Dr. Krilgis in of cuddling have changed since you started N: I’m sorry to hear about Sue. May I ask how private. Recorder obliges. End interview. out. Could you demonstrate one of those she passed? techniques? K: She took an assignment to cuddle a Dr. Krilgis and Nudnik lie down on the 450-pound man. She was the only one brave carpet, Dr. Krilgis assumes the big spoon

Fall 2016

sue funded b s i is y h T

The Gargoyle’s Guide To Avoiding Voter Registration This time of year got you down? Try our handy strategies to avoid doing your civic duty! 1. Tell them you’re in the country illegally 2. Tell them gay rights are so 2014 3. Turn your head 360 degrees 4. Say “No, but I’m registered to vape” and scooter away 5. Ask them if they’re registered to spend the afterlife in the Lord’s kingdom 6. Drop out 7. “Sorry, I’m Catholic” 8. Pretend you’re calling your one night stand to tell them you have herpes 9. Start coughing up blood 10. “I know you are, but what am I” 11. When they try to get your attention, jump and start sobbing hysterically 12. Oblige, but insist on filling out the form with your Reagan pen that you got during his 1984 presidential campaign 13. Stay on North Campus

Fall 2016

Text by Colleen Hillard Art by Duncan Reitz 19

A Very Special Announcement Mark Schlissel <goblue69@umich.edu> to the Gargoyle

Inbox

Nov 1

To all Members of the Campus Community™, One of the greatest things about University of Michigan is our diversity. Students and faculty of all different backgrounds walk our campus, yet we are united as one. One of the greatest ways we are a united student and faculty body is through our MWords. One of the greatest examples of an MWord is “MCard.” Another great one is “MDining.” Why do we use these terms? “Card” and “Dining” are just plain words, but we create an atmosphere of greatness and unity when we preface such words with our great block M. It has come to my attention in my hours spent anxiously pacing our great Ingalls Mall in the wee hours of the night that many students do not know how to properly pronounce MWords. While we are all unique and that’s what makes us great, I feel it is important that we are all on the same page on this matter. Time and again, I hear one or more of you great students saying “Em-Card.” If that were correct, they would be called EmCards instead of MCards. And before you bring up Natalie Emcard, let me nip that in the bud: Ms. Emcard is a fucking liar. Truly cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. I have no idea how she even got on this campus, let alone got featured on our great, world-class identification cards. As soon as we discovered the transgression that she had committed, we shipped her off to the Dearborn campus as punishment, but a great amount of damage has clearly already been done. But I digress. The correct pronunciation is “M’Card.” One great tool for remembering this is to think of how a chivalrous gentleman greets his lover: “m’lady.” I often find myself saying this with my own lovely wife, Monica. She especially thinks it’s great when I tip my tyrolean hat as I say it. A great added benefit of this pronunciation is that it enforces that this is YOUR card. This is YOUR dining hall. What makes U of M so great is that it really belongs to you, the students. My office is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week for those who are struggling in making this transition and would like to come in and take some of the weight off their shoulders. I guarantee that my great staff will be there at all times, even in my absence as I take my nightly jog through Baits I and sob, wiping my eyes with the tuition money that could have been put towards some really great renovations. Thank you, M’Students. President M’Ark Schlissel P.S. If at the end of the semester I’m still hearing “Em-Print,” I’m cutting all of you entitled bastards’ printing allowances to $5 for the year. That’s 83.3 sheets. Use them wisely.

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Glaurung, 1,251 less than one mile below, deep in the cursed vaults

About Glaurung Umich Chemistry â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;17 Older-than-time invader of the human realm looking for a sexy, young blonde sacrifice. Loves goat flesh, hoarding precious metals, and traveling the world. Knights and gold diggers (see above) need not apply. NO HOOKUPS

Fall 2016

Building an Identity

wo blue skyscrapers with faces are standing next to each other. They’re just sitting there and looking around a little Skyscraper 1: So… how’s it going Key Tower?

I don’t hear some Jewish businessman yelling about how he hates his wife. Complaining about your problems is the best way to solve them. If you talk about butterflies and rainbows all the time you’re not gonna be ready for when life really plows you.

Skyscraper 2: Really 200 Public Square? That’s how you’re gonna start this day? How’s it going?

S1: So what you’re saying is that I should become a pessimist if I want to be happier?

S1: I don’t know man… I guess I just wanted to see how you’re doing. S2: Every day with you man, how’s it going? What’s the weather like on your side of the block? Seen any cool birds lately? Well, if you really wanna know I’ll tell you. Mark in accounting just had diarrhea on the third floor restroom, Debra in marketing just spilled coffee all over the newly furnished lounge, and two RadioShack employees are banging in the storage room. Happy you asked? [Skyscraper 1 sniffles and starts to cry] S2: Aww jeez man don’t cry… don’t be such a… [sigh] OK, what’s going on with you 200 Public Square? S1: Well… They just set up a new Starbucks in me, they fixed the elevator, and they’re installing a hot tub next to my hotel’s pool! S2: See, 200 Public Square, this is why I hate talking to you. You’re such a bummer. You’re supposed to complain about the bad stuff happening to you, not talk about the good stuff. It’s just the way life works. S1: Well why do you think that? Why does everything have to be so negative? S2: Haven’t you been listening to the people inside you? Just yesterday, I heard three different people in a law firm say that they wanted to kill themselves, but hey, I don’t see anyone hopping out of my windows. Not a moment goes by where

S2: Precisely what I’m saying. S1: Well, there are some annoying kids who run through my revolving doors all the time. S2: OK, that’s a good start, but give me more. Show me some real anger. S1: Well, about fifty birds crapped on my roof yesterday, and that pissed me off pretty badly. S2: Good, that’s good! S1: And also, it’s just that sometimes I get so fed up with this city! Every day, I wake up and the first thing I see is a homeless man eating out of a garbage can, and that’s a thing you just can’t unsee! And it’s every day! I just want to pack up and move to some place that’s a little more pure, like Oklahoma! S2: Uh… what? 200 Public Square, is that really how you feel? You want to be a country skyscraper? S1: Yeah, I just dream about ripping my beams straight out of the ground and marching to freedom! S2: But 200 Public Square, I don’t think you can do that. I mean, like, I don’t think you can physically do that. S1: Oh yeah?

written by Caleb Nusbaum Just watch me! Oklahoma or bust, bitches! [200 Public Square rips himself out of the ground and leaves. 200 Public Square’s spot is replaced by a pink building labeled Sexytime Inc. that is then connected to the Key Tower via a catwalk. Key Tower smiles and starts flirting with the new building]

“It’s a cat asstrophy” AN UNSQUASHED SQUASH CONTEMPLATES LIFE Fall 2016

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